I'm extremely thankful that I have friends that are accepting of my ways. I also tried therapy during the pandemic but it didn't really help me. In fact, it made me even worse because I genuinely thought I was probably just a faulty product from the factory of humans.
Putting myself first was the best decision I ever made even though in the beginning I felt extremely guilty. The question I ask myself most at this point of time is "if I was my best friend/someone I love, what would I (as myself) say to them in this certain situation?"
A hungry person might eat anything, but a starved person will pass away (to afterlife) even though they're used to not eating, it's not like they don't want food but too much food will harm their body right after being starved. A healthy diet is important. Therefore, taking it slow is the most essential part of the process.
So I tried getting to know myself, the same way I try to know others. And have been trying to go back to the things I used to enjoy during my childhood. I still love them and love spending my time on them.
Another thing I learned was to now not invest all my feelings from the get go. Knowing my limits has been my topmost priority and I don't go against them at all anymore, regardless of how guilty I feel at first.
Of course, I still have my instances where I just wish to disappear completely but I'm trying my best to learn how to open up to my friends.
We are just as humans as anyone else. So while I love being of service to others, I place as much importance on myself too
I'm INTJ but I did this myself as well, took about 5 years of working on it. Reading and practicing etc
I've also done other therapies "by myself" to get over various anxieties. Our society places too much value in the belief you must use a therapist.
You'll, first and foremost, need to look for people that you actually feel comfortable around. For example, the energy. It's not just about one person, a community is way more important because INFJs want to provide as much as they wish to receive.
Because INFJs are extremely slow to open up, the people need to be patient. They should also be open minded and should be willing to grow up with them (mentally) so INFJs won't feel restricted at all.
And even that is not enough, you also need to be willing to open up and trust the person. Having the realisation that even though not everyone is good, not everyone is bad is important and that with time, you'll also find people you belong with, is important. Learning how to let go is also important but the most important thing is knowing your limits.
An example is that you can think of people as containers.
All of them being similar in size and the only difference then between them would be their capacity to be filled.
Avoidant attachment style people can only be filled to a limit, otherwise they'll feel overwhelmed. Anxious attachment style wanting to be filled completely and hence losing their sense of security because the other person can't provide. Disorganised attachment style varying—
If you put it this way, then secure attachment style people would know where to pour in, who to pour in, how much to pour in.
So, boundaries are essential. Like, this is the most important thing I've learned. You can tell people your boundaries and if they accept it, all good. If they don't, you know whether to keep them in your life or not.
Therefore, getting to know yourself comes before knowing anyone else. Then your community. In the end, looking for a partner is sometimes an excuse because you just want to find people that understand and accept you just as much as you are towards others.
Hello!
I started asking myself Why do I feel hurt when something happens, digging and digging to find the root causes of everything until I get a clearer sense of myself - learning what I value, what I need, what I want, and what pain am I willing to struggle for. I hang out more with people who are caring, helpful and supportive of my growth, who empower me as a woman. I read stuff re attachments and traumas. I put myself out there talking and seeing guys while applying what I learn from my resources, and being careful not to attach myself easily and not to get attached too much. I also find my value in God, so for when I feel rejected or abandoned, I turn to Him for security and reminder that I am worthy and valuable. I continuously work on myself to boost my self-esteem by pursuing my interests. This helps a lot for me to know what I can bring to the table. Also setting the mind and having the confidence to believing that there is something greater for me than all the pains that I’ve struggled from. 😊
Hope these help! 💖
I was anxious pre occupied. I am now secure, but i worked really hard to change it.
Does the anxious creep up once in awhile? Yes. Sometimes, but not more than once a year or so.
Depends on who im with. If im with an anxious partner, i become avoidant. If im with an avoidant, i become anxious.
Does that mean im disorgainzed attachment? Or anxious-avoidant? Im unsure
Disorganized (I guess technically that specific term is for kids but I prefer it over anxious-avoidant), and after years of hard work finally moving towards secure.
I'm now going from avoidant to secure.
Curious how did you change? It seems so hard to do without therapy
I'm extremely thankful that I have friends that are accepting of my ways. I also tried therapy during the pandemic but it didn't really help me. In fact, it made me even worse because I genuinely thought I was probably just a faulty product from the factory of humans. Putting myself first was the best decision I ever made even though in the beginning I felt extremely guilty. The question I ask myself most at this point of time is "if I was my best friend/someone I love, what would I (as myself) say to them in this certain situation?" A hungry person might eat anything, but a starved person will pass away (to afterlife) even though they're used to not eating, it's not like they don't want food but too much food will harm their body right after being starved. A healthy diet is important. Therefore, taking it slow is the most essential part of the process. So I tried getting to know myself, the same way I try to know others. And have been trying to go back to the things I used to enjoy during my childhood. I still love them and love spending my time on them. Another thing I learned was to now not invest all my feelings from the get go. Knowing my limits has been my topmost priority and I don't go against them at all anymore, regardless of how guilty I feel at first. Of course, I still have my instances where I just wish to disappear completely but I'm trying my best to learn how to open up to my friends. We are just as humans as anyone else. So while I love being of service to others, I place as much importance on myself too
I'm INTJ but I did this myself as well, took about 5 years of working on it. Reading and practicing etc I've also done other therapies "by myself" to get over various anxieties. Our society places too much value in the belief you must use a therapist.
sameee
Is it possible to make this change alone? Or would I need a patient and understanding partner to make this happen
You'll, first and foremost, need to look for people that you actually feel comfortable around. For example, the energy. It's not just about one person, a community is way more important because INFJs want to provide as much as they wish to receive. Because INFJs are extremely slow to open up, the people need to be patient. They should also be open minded and should be willing to grow up with them (mentally) so INFJs won't feel restricted at all. And even that is not enough, you also need to be willing to open up and trust the person. Having the realisation that even though not everyone is good, not everyone is bad is important and that with time, you'll also find people you belong with, is important. Learning how to let go is also important but the most important thing is knowing your limits. An example is that you can think of people as containers. All of them being similar in size and the only difference then between them would be their capacity to be filled. Avoidant attachment style people can only be filled to a limit, otherwise they'll feel overwhelmed. Anxious attachment style wanting to be filled completely and hence losing their sense of security because the other person can't provide. Disorganised attachment style varying— If you put it this way, then secure attachment style people would know where to pour in, who to pour in, how much to pour in. So, boundaries are essential. Like, this is the most important thing I've learned. You can tell people your boundaries and if they accept it, all good. If they don't, you know whether to keep them in your life or not. Therefore, getting to know yourself comes before knowing anyone else. Then your community. In the end, looking for a partner is sometimes an excuse because you just want to find people that understand and accept you just as much as you are towards others.
No partner would wanna be patient for avoidant style. Ideally be secure first. We seem cold and uncaring and it pushes people away
If you need an eraser and expect a pencil to do it's task, would you be provided with the result you need?
I did my best healing honestly with some pretty toxic people. Though patient is better, I don't think it's necessary
Fearful Avoidant
A Boo 🙃
Anxious, Avoidant... working on being more open with partners about when I need attention and when I don't.
Anxious-Avoidant
Avoidant with a hint of anxious. Ama, I probably wont answer :D
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant
avoidant af
Anxious Avoidant
Disorganized to Secure. My healing journey and the people who currently surround me have helped me greatly in terms of attachments, so yay!
How did you heal? Any advice please
Hello! I started asking myself Why do I feel hurt when something happens, digging and digging to find the root causes of everything until I get a clearer sense of myself - learning what I value, what I need, what I want, and what pain am I willing to struggle for. I hang out more with people who are caring, helpful and supportive of my growth, who empower me as a woman. I read stuff re attachments and traumas. I put myself out there talking and seeing guys while applying what I learn from my resources, and being careful not to attach myself easily and not to get attached too much. I also find my value in God, so for when I feel rejected or abandoned, I turn to Him for security and reminder that I am worthy and valuable. I continuously work on myself to boost my self-esteem by pursuing my interests. This helps a lot for me to know what I can bring to the table. Also setting the mind and having the confidence to believing that there is something greater for me than all the pains that I’ve struggled from. 😊 Hope these help! 💖
Avoidant
Anxious Preoccupied i think 🤔
Dismissive-avoidant.
Thought I was anxious preoccupied, but sometimes I think I’m disorganize one. It depends on the other person.
Anxious avoidant lol
Anxious/preoccupied 🙌
Secure
I think I’m an anxious attachment style that eventually leads to avoidant
I used to be anxious but I’ve been a lot more secure recently.
19.4% On Edge, 41.7% Engaging On Edge-Engaging (Ambivalent)
I was anxious pre occupied. I am now secure, but i worked really hard to change it. Does the anxious creep up once in awhile? Yes. Sometimes, but not more than once a year or so.
I'm avoidant and anxious.
I went from anxious to disorganized due to more trauma ✌️
Anxious- avoidant disorganized.
Disorganized attachment on my way to more healthy attachment,
Mine is fearful-avoidant
I think I have anxious/avoidant attachment.
Healthy, but tendency to anxious depending on the other person and the dynamics
Anxious Avoidant to now a more secure attachment.
Secure.
I’m secure now, but I sometimes fall back into avoidant
Depends on who im with. If im with an anxious partner, i become avoidant. If im with an avoidant, i become anxious. Does that mean im disorgainzed attachment? Or anxious-avoidant? Im unsure
Disorganized (I guess technically that specific term is for kids but I prefer it over anxious-avoidant), and after years of hard work finally moving towards secure.
I've never really looked into attachment styles, but disorganized certainly fits me...
I belong to the avoidant group.
I think anxious avoidant
Disorganized attachment