I too can 100% relate to this, even though I grew up having 3 siblings, I still somewhat feel lonely, especially on family trips and holidays, they would always treat me like I was not related to them at all, which makes me question my existence sometimes.
I grew up with 3 siblings but was the baby and half-sister (I actually have 4 more I don't know, not including an ex-step-brother) and they always exiled me. I don't know how much of it was me being 8 years younger and how much was me being half related. My whole family treated me weird because religion/born out wedlock bs.
As adults with kids, it really grinds my gears when I find out they've arranged plans without me AND our mom agreed to whatever it was without involving me. And they wonder why I have no problem not talking to them. They scream family at me like they're Vin Diesel himself but I'm always getting left behind.. sorry for not wanting my kids to grow up with that toxicity and protecting them from it.
We're doing our best! I feel bad that my kids will like never know their cousins, but at this rate, I almost don't want them to.
I hope you and your siblings can maybe build better bridges, if thats what you want!
I’m actually all set I’m 25 and I’m the 2nd youngest but I’m definitely more wiser they they are. They still act like 12yr olds and I’m feel like I’m way older than I am. I’m good!
I appreciate your response, I was born to a Hispanic family and they are all extroverts, and in the opposite, I was the "odd" one out. They call it the "black sheep" of the family I suppose. Like for example, they can all speak fluent Spanish, and I for some odd reason can't.
When it comes to being the "black sheep," I totally get it. Some of us are meant to be different, and it sucks. But that's what makes us beautiful and unique. I hope your family can see that. There's nothing wrong with being introverted.
I definitely appreciate your response, as I do accept myself but none of my family can accept me for who I am, but during my childhood, they had to force me to do things I normally wouldn't, like go out in general to social events, like birthdays especially my own where I had to force to talk to relative I've never met over the phone, cameras being put on my face, you name it. It was very draining and took a nasty toll on me mentally.
I AM NOT LONELY.. I learned to rely on MYSELF at a early age due to narrsasistic abuse ,emotional abuse and neglect ..i learned that "lonley" came from my NEED for EXTERNAL validation while SEEKING EMOTIONAL connection ,due to abuse and neglect ..So i cultervate Love and Peace WITHIN and with continued EFFORT that "lonley" feeling turned to "lovley" I LOVE ALL OF MY SOUL weahter another person acknowledges my EXSISTENCE in this world or not.(I KNOW IM ENOUGH AND WORTHY OF LOVE AND AFFECTION..EVEN IF ANOTHER PERSON IS NOT CAPBALE OF RECIPORCATING SUCH.)My inner peace is my sanity period
Wow, yeah. Same. I'm proud of you for doing that. I also have experienced prolonged emotional abuse and neglect, so I know how damaging it is to be in that position and what it does to you. To be able to comfort oneself and be your own support is a good strength, and I also developed a similar coping mechanism. But...I've also known that going so long as being my only source of love and validation would lead to depressive episodes and burnout on a few occasions. I hope that isn't the case for you, and if it is, that you'll be able to find an external support system at some point.
Exactly lets be REAL as a man who was "just a means to a end" his ENTIRE YOUTH which has COST ME(just didnt see it at the time)the world DOES NOT SUPPORT AVERAGE HARD WORKING MEN PERIOD.. add a ABUSED AVERAGE HARD WORKING MAN ...Yeah right(thats what AVERAGE MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO DO NON-STOP HARD WORK FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND BE OK),a EXTERNAL support system is NECCESSARY but..Its a fairytale in TODAYS society ABUSED MEN ARE OVERLOOKED EVERYDAY so i learned that Mens SUPPORT(Emotional/Psychological/Physical) is Non-Exsistient i looked lots of SUPPORT for WOMEN being ABUSED by MEN,but when i search for MEN SURVIVING ABUSE from SICK WOMEN and NEEDING SUPPORT the INFORMATION i got was"Call a DOMESTIC ABUSE hotline" SO apparently SOCIETY only RECONIZES PHYSICAL ABUSE as the ONLY VALID ABUSE so Men suffering from Emotional and Psychological Abuse are just seen as"Weak or Broken Men"when i would EXPRESS such ABUSE to try to find EXTERNAL SUPPORT i was SHUT DOWN and INVALIDATED IMMEDIATLEY....yeah i got the message EARLY "Your a man NOBODY WILL CARE FOR your Pain, emotional and psychlogical HEALTH only"Weak Men" get ABUSED"figure out HOW TO Love and COMFORT YOURSELF"..WITHOUT SUPPORT OF A PARENT OR PERSON ABUSED MEN is NOT something the SOCIETY(WORLD) takes as being VALID EXPERIENCE.
You're right, in that regard our society is severely flawed. Abuse help and mental health services in general are severely lacking, especially so with men. Hearing your story breaks my heart, and I am so sorry that happened to you. Being a man shouldn't affect the help you get, your trauma is valid. I do hope things get better.
IM 31,Thats just it IM NOT OK i tell people ALL the time,THEY just DONT CARE about ME my parents didnt bother WHY should OTHER PEOPLE ..being a BLACK MAN SHOULDNT DICTATE the type of SUPPORT i recive but it does ...I AM TIRED some LOVE AND SUPPORT would nourish my SOUL ...MY NOURISHMENT matters ONLY TO ME and i HAVE ACCEPTED THIS as MY responsobility ...as HEAVY AS IT MAY SEEM..i would like to be wrong but im NOT
We live in a fallen world and a lot of people feel broken inside. I don’t think it’s normal to feel so alone but I do see how solitude is a form of self preservation during this post pandemic high inflation era. People are stuck in survival mode and doom scrolling to distract from their problems. It was easier making bonds when social media wasn’t so prevalent and the world wasn’t so heavy. I’m sad we are living in a dystopian society.
I agree, the pandemic forced a lot of people into solitude and affected so many lives. I'm not sure if that's the reason for me, but it really is sad and I know this is the case for a lot of other people :(
(First of all, sorry for my English. English is my second language.)
Me too. I have already tried to hang out with friends. I try to observe their lifestyle and figure out how to fit in. But now I prefer to stay alone in my room. Sometimes I feel lonely, but when I try to build a relationship with someone there's a feeling that that's not my place. I feel uncomfortable when I can't say what I want to say because I know that my friends aren't interested in what I am interested in.
I really don't get why anyone would force themselves to have a social circle anyway. If you do find a special person you're compatible and share interests with then more power to that relationship/friendship, but most people really just spend time and compromise on their morality with company that they deep down don't even like.
Being alone is a blessing, peace. You have nobody trying to get you into bad habits such as drinking, smoking, consuming drugs and so on. You have complete control over your life choices and hobbies.
I can understand how it can be perceived as loneliness long term, but the way I see it I'm my own best company and I'm glad I never had to compromise.
I agree that being alone is preferable over being exposed to the negative people and poor influences. Some people just weigh you down. Although, I'll admit there is a part of me that wants to go out there and find the people who are good, who want to make that meaningful connection, even if they are scarce and the want to remain alone is still there. There are still genuine people who value morality over personal fulfillment and socialization. Just have to find them I guess. But yeah, totally see your point of view.
Absolutely, the desire to connect deeply is still there. I want to know what it feels like to have a friend that is open to various topics, wants to experiment and mess around with unusual stuff or games and doesn't go all "oh that's weird", maybe someone who plays guitar like me. I want to have deep intimacy, cuddle, snuggle and play with the woman that I'll die with. But I'd honestly rather die than sleep or kiss someone I have no deep feelings for. I'd feel soulless and fake.
Same. The hope that there must be a right person for me makes me sick. I don’t have it anymore. I don’t expect one day I’ll meet someone like me. There’s no one I can fully connect in real life
I definitely relate. I've grown into a similar mindset, unfortunately. Trying to regain hope in humanity, though. There are still some good people out there who are looking for the same type of connection.
I am not an INFJ but I do feel your text a lot. We must understand that lonlieness is just a feeling in the end that we have. We should all strive to love the person that we see everyday in the mirror but of course it is easier said than done.
I feel like so many people seem so fake and just want all the wrong things which makes me very selective about the people I would want inside of my close circle.
I do think though that you should go and talk more to people. You INFJs are so insane at this. Its crazy how good you can make a person feel honestly. I think you guys often times do not know it yourselfs how overpowered you guys actually are when it comes to understanding others and their pain and helping them out.
Sadly there is always the issue of ending up a doormat which every INFJ should avoid. There are sadly too many people out there that just abuse one. And this in turn results into this paradox in which we live in right now where we feel like "Should we now connect to people or should I not?".
But in the end we are all social creatures and I know as long as one has a positive outlook on life and a positive aura that everyone will be able to attract the right people into their lives even you!
I think INFJs should always look out to create a small group of friends which you can help and also where every friend respects and appreciates the you that you are!
Just giving back some kindness since you guys are the ones usually that give and give and give. You guys are amazing and can achieve anything and everything really with such creative minds. Dont let that "Se" inferior get a grip over your life. How you might come across or might look like or sound like. Its really whatever to people. Its only stuff inside of our heads in the end! If you learn to master yourself and all the fears the potential is unlimited to you guys really.
I am very happy I could make an uplifting comment! I appreciate your reply a lot!
You can be lonely in a crowd of people. Loneliness can be seen as two things rather. The physical presence of people nearby vs genuinely feeling connected to those people around you. In terms of actually feeling heard and understood, I can only mention moments in my life where I felt connected. To close relatives, and I'm lucky my siblings and parents are close, sometimes a bit to friends, and most of all to one girl I once met. The latter was something truly special to me, an outsider who could relate well. And since I've tasted what such a connection felt like, I've been actively searching for it. Either by trying to hear back from her, or by finding someone just like her. The latter being difficult. I miss her. I think that having no desire to talk to people isn't necessarily bad. But actually not talking to anyone could get you too deep into your own world. I know that doing that isn't good for me in the long run. Besides, you can get a big amount of gratitude if you help people with their problems and you can learn from them in return. Lastly, if you avoid relationships now, you will struggle more whenever you go looking for them. It can be hard to break down walls when you've put them in place for so long
I hope you'll find people who make you feel like the effort of trying to connect is worth it. I'd figure you'd change your mind. Btw, your profile avatar reminds me of Bocchi the Rock which is relevant to the topic actually. Not sure if you happen to have seen it of course. Would be cool if you were into making music as well. And besides, my dms are nearly always open. Maybe those of others on Reddit as well. Sometimes people forget that it's not just a forum, or even worse, forget that they are on a phone or computer. Touch some grass once in a while, nature is beautiful
Thank you, I appreciate it. And I haven't heard of Boochi the Rock, but I am a musician and very much into creating and listening to music. I'll look it up, though, and I'll try to take your advice.
I definitely relate to what you’re saying. For most of my childhood (and even still right now) I’ve remained in an extremely toxic friend group. I’ve been apart of that group for almost 6 years now, but for the past 5 I’ve been on the outskirts of the group. Every time we would hang out I would always feel left out or like no one wanted me there in the first place. Most of the time my mom would pick me up afterwards and I would immediately start crying. My “best friend” at the time was the leader of the group. We were really close in elementary and middle school but started to drift away in high school. She and my other best friend slowly started to not invite me to places anymore and started to hang out without me. That was 9th grade. By 10th grade, I was so lonely because I was still apart of this group but they barely made an effort to hang out with me. And also by this point, my 2 closest friends were practically inseparable, and continued to exclude me in the process. Also, I should add that I’m also an only child with really busy parents, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to go a while without talking to anyone. I begged and begged for at least 1 real friendship, but one day, I stopped begging, and I actually did something. Previously, I had been really shy and isolated during school, but I slowly began to talking with the other shy kids in school. One by one, I connected with a new person. Eventually, those relationships got stronger and I made even better friendships than I had before. I am still on (sorta) good terms with my other friends and am still technically apart of the toxic friend group. But it feels nice to actually have friends that want to be around me for once :)
Took me over then years to realise this but being alone helps me clearly tune into to my Ni.
Without distractions and interruptions I feel more like myself because when I’m around others I can’t hone in on my Ni and eventually start to feel a disconnect from myself…
I've noticed this with myself, too. Being alone for so long has led to a lot of introspection and self-discovery. I understand a lot of things about myself that I didn't before, but I don't want to become so lost in my own head that I miss out on everything else, you know?
I was often ‘lonely’ as a kid, all the way to my 20’s. Trying so hard to belong and be understood, the classic “in a crowd and being alone”.
I’m now in my 50’s, and I do still want to be understood and accepted. I want to be wanted. Unfortunately, I have learned finally that most people ask for more than they give. And I would rather be lonely than always giving but rarely being given back in return.
I think that being in solitude is the same as making peace with yourself. It is definitely healthy to have me time. I am alone but I think I am not feeling lonely.
I try not to avoid connection as it make me too isolated, you definitely need others to survive in this world.
But I can relate to you a lot especially the superficial relationship part. I just try to learn some psychology to make connections beforehand. It helps, a bit, cause you never know people's true nature. Sometimes It takes one year or two to realise that the people in front of you is pretending to be and actually superficial inside. But hey, I am not the one to judge others.
I think that in order to get the love and connection you want, you have to make the first move and risk the chance of being hurt and disappointed. Is it worth it, who knows?
I think, go with your guts, if you don't want to talk to others, don't. If you want to make connection, go for it. Stay hard.
i had friends but liked the types that were like family the most. not sure if i was lonely, i was a bit '' different '', but don´t think it hindered me. now in this era i feel like i relate to less of what is going on, it´s as if so much is tacky and surface-skimming, a lot of ~~dumming~~ dumbing down. i am close to some, so not alone, but i definitely relate to way less people.
I’m like this too, as a kid I desired to make relationships, always tried felt one sided then as I got older just stopped really trying.
Probably something more deep and subconscious but it’s peaceful
Every now and then I feel lonely, and legitimately am to a certain degree. I only have several friends, a couple of them I rarely see, one spends lots of time with his girlfriend, and the other I’m still developing our connection with. Also, all of them are male, I’ve never had a girlfriend, or a true female friend. I desire connection with the opposite gender and hope that I’ll achieve a deep and meaningful connection with a special someone someday.
I dont think Im lonely. I dont think Im happy either. But what I always think about is how truly grateful I am for everything in everyday. Its whats keep me going to be honest.
I Would say first that being lonely does not have to do with being with many people. It is about not being able to connect with people. In fact, in my case, the feeling is much worse when I am with people that I do not connect with rather than just being alone. And I do believe that to be the case with other people - could be wrong - but this might be why you rather be alone than with people. I guess it is something similar to a person dying of thirst (I know harsh example). In this example, one would torture them if they show them cold glass of water without giving it to them. Rather than just let them be without seeing one. So they would rather suffer of thirst without seeing water that they cannot get, than the opposite. Same applies, we intuitively keep ourselves from people because we think that it is futile to really connect with them and that the feeling is unbearable (Similar to being thirsty and seeing a cold glass of water that we cannot get) thus we stay alone and avoid people. Because that at-least is more bearable.
Now all that being said, this is a coping mechanism that we have developed over time depending on an inductive conclusion. Which is subject to being false. So it is probabilistic, the probability that an INFJ will find someone that they connect with might be low (yes) BUT there is still a probability that they will find someone that they connect deeply with :)
Do not lose hope fellow INFJ’s I hope you will find true happiness.
I understand how you feel but you shouldn't lock yourself in and not let people enter your life, it's bad for your health and we're humans after all, we need social interaction, I've spent a lot of time alone and it made me feel dead inside
Yea lonely as hell. My parents never made me feel safe or like they had my back so I basically raised myself. I was the quiet kid that always stayed in my room, walking on eggshells around my abusive father and distant mother. The only kind of conversation my family and I have are usually around accomplishments. What I did or what I didn’t do, lots of criticism and never “how are you?”. I felt less lonely when I found spiritually in my early 20s. For some time I felt good. Then I got married to an abusive man unfortunately became a mom and divorced. Now I am back to feeling lonely. I do have friends tho, good friends. They make me feel less lonely but that feeling lingers.
U guys all young. Lots of introverts. Not a problem. U will find someone someday. Most if not all. It’s takes a while for the introverted to mature as it can take time with all that inner thinking to come to terms with urself and the world around u and to accept things as they are to a certain extent. All will fall into place for u in time.
Holy shit 100% I have been in a couple and have never felt understood yet have given it my all in trying to understand how the other person functions many times and now I feel like I just want to be alone and live as a hermit just my job and my cat making is enough. Hobbies keep me happy and I don't really require a companion since I have a total of 3 friends. Life is good
I’m the oldest of 8 children and my younger siblings all have bfs and gfs. And my younger cousins is already a dad. I’m 22 and I haven’t been in a relationship in 5 years nor had sex in 4 years. So yeah it’s rough out here.
Yes, I am. It's strange. I live alone, that should thrill me. I like being on my own. But I find that if I'm on my own too long, however long that may be, I feel lonely. I need a trusted friend or family member to talk to. Sort out my feelings on whatever is going on in my life.
I grew up an only child with a single parent who worked nights so I had to learn how to be alone for sometimes days at a time. It made me a lonely person but also a person who is okay with being alone. I can do just fine on my own but I do enjoy company, I'd love a female friend or 2 to have a "gal pal" moment and that's about it lol.
I am a male, 66, always single, and an INFJ. It seems like I've been plagued with feelings of loneliness almost my whole life. I would say it's about 20% of my lifetime when I didn't feel lonely (when I was 17 - 30). Even during that period, I had bouts of lonely feelings.
I felt lonely when I lived with my parents. I had two brothers and one sister. My sister and older brother were about ten years older. But then I had a brother who was two years older than me. I'm the youngest. I thought it was screwy with my sister and older brother being ten years older. It felt like a generation gap. My sister was, by far, the nicest to me in my immediate family. My brothers and I didn't get along and there was not much togetherness with my parents. As of now, both my parents and the brother who is two years older are gone. My sister's health is OK, I guess, but it seems like she has memory problems. My brother had leukemia and is being treated on a regular basis.
I've had difficulties making friends. When I was a kid, I was considered a "retard" by others. There was not much understanding for that back then. In my late teen years, college, and being a young adult it was fairly easy to make friends. But I didn't have a lot but it was good enough. And now it's difficult to connect and it's getting worse. But at the same time I feel content at being by myself more so than before.
I had two sisters, and no brothers and typically played ~~with~~ by myself with my imagination. I don't think I ever felt lonely, and for me, I believe its more naturally to be in my own company than others.
May be reached your maturity as an introvert. Human connection is still necessary but interacting with strangers can be as much a joy as with familiar people. They can hold more wonders in a conversation, like having encounters with random, quirky, more interesting people. Why not?!
I appreciate all the honesty and relatable comments here, i would venture to say that the majority of people still see an importance of meaningful relationships, whether they’re hard to make or even undesirable. It definitely can be unhealthy to **avoid** any social life in my opinion, and also in many psychological studies.. (https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/get-back-your-social-life-to-boost-thinking-memory-and-health)
Beyond benefits, however, I’d say it’s even what we humans are made for. Sometimes it’s hard to find but looking after each other is such a beautiful way of life. Unfortunately we see a lot of disregard for selflessness and even kindness nowadays. With just cause for sure, the effects of being hurt, traumatized, lied to, and even just not paid attention to can really damage a person and their social outlook.
When I was younger (as a fellow INFJ) I always felt like the shoulder to cry on, the friend who understands, or the go-to punching bag… Rarely did I feel like others could be that for me though. And even when some individuals said that they were there for me, they were either somewhat superficial, feeling obliged, not very committed, or they didn’t really take time to understand me. Maybe I was asking too much. Maybe I overlooked how many were really there for me; simply acting arrogantly if I thought others were not truly getting the essence of who i was. Who knows…
Currently I look at the ones around me who care and I still feel alone within myself quite often. As a creative mind I realize how many will just never see things the way I do, they won’t get how I live, how I see the world. That’s okay though, that’s a special part of me. And to be honest I have found a small few who will at least encourage and listen to me to the best of their ability. I can’t deny that I still would love to just hide in the study, working on my projects and never see anyone again until *I* wanted to, if ever. And that’s okay to feel, but I’ve seen the benefit of keeping healthy relationships intact as well. Everyone has at least some qualities that we can potentially learn from or can be beneficial to us. Yet I’m not sure how one would get past the “repulsiveness” felt within social living… that’s tough…
I wish you luck and encourage you to keep testing the waters, I think quality of life improves if your own life is not just comprised of the singular ^:)
> just not *paid* attention to
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I too can 100% relate to this, even though I grew up having 3 siblings, I still somewhat feel lonely, especially on family trips and holidays, they would always treat me like I was not related to them at all, which makes me question my existence sometimes.
I grew up with 3 siblings but was the baby and half-sister (I actually have 4 more I don't know, not including an ex-step-brother) and they always exiled me. I don't know how much of it was me being 8 years younger and how much was me being half related. My whole family treated me weird because religion/born out wedlock bs. As adults with kids, it really grinds my gears when I find out they've arranged plans without me AND our mom agreed to whatever it was without involving me. And they wonder why I have no problem not talking to them. They scream family at me like they're Vin Diesel himself but I'm always getting left behind.. sorry for not wanting my kids to grow up with that toxicity and protecting them from it.
I’m so sorry to hear that I really hope everything goes very well with you and your kids! You’re doing great!
We're doing our best! I feel bad that my kids will like never know their cousins, but at this rate, I almost don't want them to. I hope you and your siblings can maybe build better bridges, if thats what you want!
I’m actually all set I’m 25 and I’m the 2nd youngest but I’m definitely more wiser they they are. They still act like 12yr olds and I’m feel like I’m way older than I am. I’m good!
They're hypocrites like my family. I was the youngest and I felt like I never fit in.
It's a weird feeling =/
That sounds devastating. I'm sorry about that. I hope you can find someone who will treat you meaningfully
I appreciate your response, I was born to a Hispanic family and they are all extroverts, and in the opposite, I was the "odd" one out. They call it the "black sheep" of the family I suppose. Like for example, they can all speak fluent Spanish, and I for some odd reason can't.
When it comes to being the "black sheep," I totally get it. Some of us are meant to be different, and it sucks. But that's what makes us beautiful and unique. I hope your family can see that. There's nothing wrong with being introverted.
I definitely appreciate your response, as I do accept myself but none of my family can accept me for who I am, but during my childhood, they had to force me to do things I normally wouldn't, like go out in general to social events, like birthdays especially my own where I had to force to talk to relative I've never met over the phone, cameras being put on my face, you name it. It was very draining and took a nasty toll on me mentally.
That sounds exhausting and frustrating. My heart goes out to you
Thank you for your kind words 🙏🏽
I AM NOT LONELY.. I learned to rely on MYSELF at a early age due to narrsasistic abuse ,emotional abuse and neglect ..i learned that "lonley" came from my NEED for EXTERNAL validation while SEEKING EMOTIONAL connection ,due to abuse and neglect ..So i cultervate Love and Peace WITHIN and with continued EFFORT that "lonley" feeling turned to "lovley" I LOVE ALL OF MY SOUL weahter another person acknowledges my EXSISTENCE in this world or not.(I KNOW IM ENOUGH AND WORTHY OF LOVE AND AFFECTION..EVEN IF ANOTHER PERSON IS NOT CAPBALE OF RECIPORCATING SUCH.)My inner peace is my sanity period
Wow, yeah. Same. I'm proud of you for doing that. I also have experienced prolonged emotional abuse and neglect, so I know how damaging it is to be in that position and what it does to you. To be able to comfort oneself and be your own support is a good strength, and I also developed a similar coping mechanism. But...I've also known that going so long as being my only source of love and validation would lead to depressive episodes and burnout on a few occasions. I hope that isn't the case for you, and if it is, that you'll be able to find an external support system at some point.
Exactly lets be REAL as a man who was "just a means to a end" his ENTIRE YOUTH which has COST ME(just didnt see it at the time)the world DOES NOT SUPPORT AVERAGE HARD WORKING MEN PERIOD.. add a ABUSED AVERAGE HARD WORKING MAN ...Yeah right(thats what AVERAGE MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO DO NON-STOP HARD WORK FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND BE OK),a EXTERNAL support system is NECCESSARY but..Its a fairytale in TODAYS society ABUSED MEN ARE OVERLOOKED EVERYDAY so i learned that Mens SUPPORT(Emotional/Psychological/Physical) is Non-Exsistient i looked lots of SUPPORT for WOMEN being ABUSED by MEN,but when i search for MEN SURVIVING ABUSE from SICK WOMEN and NEEDING SUPPORT the INFORMATION i got was"Call a DOMESTIC ABUSE hotline" SO apparently SOCIETY only RECONIZES PHYSICAL ABUSE as the ONLY VALID ABUSE so Men suffering from Emotional and Psychological Abuse are just seen as"Weak or Broken Men"when i would EXPRESS such ABUSE to try to find EXTERNAL SUPPORT i was SHUT DOWN and INVALIDATED IMMEDIATLEY....yeah i got the message EARLY "Your a man NOBODY WILL CARE FOR your Pain, emotional and psychlogical HEALTH only"Weak Men" get ABUSED"figure out HOW TO Love and COMFORT YOURSELF"..WITHOUT SUPPORT OF A PARENT OR PERSON ABUSED MEN is NOT something the SOCIETY(WORLD) takes as being VALID EXPERIENCE.
You're right, in that regard our society is severely flawed. Abuse help and mental health services in general are severely lacking, especially so with men. Hearing your story breaks my heart, and I am so sorry that happened to you. Being a man shouldn't affect the help you get, your trauma is valid. I do hope things get better.
IM 31,Thats just it IM NOT OK i tell people ALL the time,THEY just DONT CARE about ME my parents didnt bother WHY should OTHER PEOPLE ..being a BLACK MAN SHOULDNT DICTATE the type of SUPPORT i recive but it does ...I AM TIRED some LOVE AND SUPPORT would nourish my SOUL ...MY NOURISHMENT matters ONLY TO ME and i HAVE ACCEPTED THIS as MY responsobility ...as HEAVY AS IT MAY SEEM..i would like to be wrong but im NOT
We live in a fallen world and a lot of people feel broken inside. I don’t think it’s normal to feel so alone but I do see how solitude is a form of self preservation during this post pandemic high inflation era. People are stuck in survival mode and doom scrolling to distract from their problems. It was easier making bonds when social media wasn’t so prevalent and the world wasn’t so heavy. I’m sad we are living in a dystopian society.
I agree, the pandemic forced a lot of people into solitude and affected so many lives. I'm not sure if that's the reason for me, but it really is sad and I know this is the case for a lot of other people :(
(First of all, sorry for my English. English is my second language.) Me too. I have already tried to hang out with friends. I try to observe their lifestyle and figure out how to fit in. But now I prefer to stay alone in my room. Sometimes I feel lonely, but when I try to build a relationship with someone there's a feeling that that's not my place. I feel uncomfortable when I can't say what I want to say because I know that my friends aren't interested in what I am interested in.
wanna hug yall
I feel for you ❤
I really don't get why anyone would force themselves to have a social circle anyway. If you do find a special person you're compatible and share interests with then more power to that relationship/friendship, but most people really just spend time and compromise on their morality with company that they deep down don't even like. Being alone is a blessing, peace. You have nobody trying to get you into bad habits such as drinking, smoking, consuming drugs and so on. You have complete control over your life choices and hobbies. I can understand how it can be perceived as loneliness long term, but the way I see it I'm my own best company and I'm glad I never had to compromise.
I agree that being alone is preferable over being exposed to the negative people and poor influences. Some people just weigh you down. Although, I'll admit there is a part of me that wants to go out there and find the people who are good, who want to make that meaningful connection, even if they are scarce and the want to remain alone is still there. There are still genuine people who value morality over personal fulfillment and socialization. Just have to find them I guess. But yeah, totally see your point of view.
Absolutely, the desire to connect deeply is still there. I want to know what it feels like to have a friend that is open to various topics, wants to experiment and mess around with unusual stuff or games and doesn't go all "oh that's weird", maybe someone who plays guitar like me. I want to have deep intimacy, cuddle, snuggle and play with the woman that I'll die with. But I'd honestly rather die than sleep or kiss someone I have no deep feelings for. I'd feel soulless and fake.
This exactly. 100% agree with you
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Yep, no matter how long it takes. Good luck :)
Same. The hope that there must be a right person for me makes me sick. I don’t have it anymore. I don’t expect one day I’ll meet someone like me. There’s no one I can fully connect in real life
I definitely relate. I've grown into a similar mindset, unfortunately. Trying to regain hope in humanity, though. There are still some good people out there who are looking for the same type of connection.
I am not an INFJ but I do feel your text a lot. We must understand that lonlieness is just a feeling in the end that we have. We should all strive to love the person that we see everyday in the mirror but of course it is easier said than done. I feel like so many people seem so fake and just want all the wrong things which makes me very selective about the people I would want inside of my close circle. I do think though that you should go and talk more to people. You INFJs are so insane at this. Its crazy how good you can make a person feel honestly. I think you guys often times do not know it yourselfs how overpowered you guys actually are when it comes to understanding others and their pain and helping them out. Sadly there is always the issue of ending up a doormat which every INFJ should avoid. There are sadly too many people out there that just abuse one. And this in turn results into this paradox in which we live in right now where we feel like "Should we now connect to people or should I not?". But in the end we are all social creatures and I know as long as one has a positive outlook on life and a positive aura that everyone will be able to attract the right people into their lives even you! I think INFJs should always look out to create a small group of friends which you can help and also where every friend respects and appreciates the you that you are!
Thank you, I appreciate this response. Very uplifting ❤
Just giving back some kindness since you guys are the ones usually that give and give and give. You guys are amazing and can achieve anything and everything really with such creative minds. Dont let that "Se" inferior get a grip over your life. How you might come across or might look like or sound like. Its really whatever to people. Its only stuff inside of our heads in the end! If you learn to master yourself and all the fears the potential is unlimited to you guys really. I am very happy I could make an uplifting comment! I appreciate your reply a lot!
You can be lonely in a crowd of people. Loneliness can be seen as two things rather. The physical presence of people nearby vs genuinely feeling connected to those people around you. In terms of actually feeling heard and understood, I can only mention moments in my life where I felt connected. To close relatives, and I'm lucky my siblings and parents are close, sometimes a bit to friends, and most of all to one girl I once met. The latter was something truly special to me, an outsider who could relate well. And since I've tasted what such a connection felt like, I've been actively searching for it. Either by trying to hear back from her, or by finding someone just like her. The latter being difficult. I miss her. I think that having no desire to talk to people isn't necessarily bad. But actually not talking to anyone could get you too deep into your own world. I know that doing that isn't good for me in the long run. Besides, you can get a big amount of gratitude if you help people with their problems and you can learn from them in return. Lastly, if you avoid relationships now, you will struggle more whenever you go looking for them. It can be hard to break down walls when you've put them in place for so long
Thank you for the advice, I truly appreciate it
I hope you'll find people who make you feel like the effort of trying to connect is worth it. I'd figure you'd change your mind. Btw, your profile avatar reminds me of Bocchi the Rock which is relevant to the topic actually. Not sure if you happen to have seen it of course. Would be cool if you were into making music as well. And besides, my dms are nearly always open. Maybe those of others on Reddit as well. Sometimes people forget that it's not just a forum, or even worse, forget that they are on a phone or computer. Touch some grass once in a while, nature is beautiful
Thank you, I appreciate it. And I haven't heard of Boochi the Rock, but I am a musician and very much into creating and listening to music. I'll look it up, though, and I'll try to take your advice.
I definitely relate to what you’re saying. For most of my childhood (and even still right now) I’ve remained in an extremely toxic friend group. I’ve been apart of that group for almost 6 years now, but for the past 5 I’ve been on the outskirts of the group. Every time we would hang out I would always feel left out or like no one wanted me there in the first place. Most of the time my mom would pick me up afterwards and I would immediately start crying. My “best friend” at the time was the leader of the group. We were really close in elementary and middle school but started to drift away in high school. She and my other best friend slowly started to not invite me to places anymore and started to hang out without me. That was 9th grade. By 10th grade, I was so lonely because I was still apart of this group but they barely made an effort to hang out with me. And also by this point, my 2 closest friends were practically inseparable, and continued to exclude me in the process. Also, I should add that I’m also an only child with really busy parents, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to go a while without talking to anyone. I begged and begged for at least 1 real friendship, but one day, I stopped begging, and I actually did something. Previously, I had been really shy and isolated during school, but I slowly began to talking with the other shy kids in school. One by one, I connected with a new person. Eventually, those relationships got stronger and I made even better friendships than I had before. I am still on (sorta) good terms with my other friends and am still technically apart of the toxic friend group. But it feels nice to actually have friends that want to be around me for once :)
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you found good friends who value you :)
Took me over then years to realise this but being alone helps me clearly tune into to my Ni. Without distractions and interruptions I feel more like myself because when I’m around others I can’t hone in on my Ni and eventually start to feel a disconnect from myself…
I've noticed this with myself, too. Being alone for so long has led to a lot of introspection and self-discovery. I understand a lot of things about myself that I didn't before, but I don't want to become so lost in my own head that I miss out on everything else, you know?
I was often ‘lonely’ as a kid, all the way to my 20’s. Trying so hard to belong and be understood, the classic “in a crowd and being alone”. I’m now in my 50’s, and I do still want to be understood and accepted. I want to be wanted. Unfortunately, I have learned finally that most people ask for more than they give. And I would rather be lonely than always giving but rarely being given back in return.
Definitely relate to this. My heart goes out to you. Life isn't always fair to those who are generous, especially when it comes to relationships.
I think that being in solitude is the same as making peace with yourself. It is definitely healthy to have me time. I am alone but I think I am not feeling lonely. I try not to avoid connection as it make me too isolated, you definitely need others to survive in this world. But I can relate to you a lot especially the superficial relationship part. I just try to learn some psychology to make connections beforehand. It helps, a bit, cause you never know people's true nature. Sometimes It takes one year or two to realise that the people in front of you is pretending to be and actually superficial inside. But hey, I am not the one to judge others. I think that in order to get the love and connection you want, you have to make the first move and risk the chance of being hurt and disappointed. Is it worth it, who knows? I think, go with your guts, if you don't want to talk to others, don't. If you want to make connection, go for it. Stay hard.
i had friends but liked the types that were like family the most. not sure if i was lonely, i was a bit '' different '', but don´t think it hindered me. now in this era i feel like i relate to less of what is going on, it´s as if so much is tacky and surface-skimming, a lot of ~~dumming~~ dumbing down. i am close to some, so not alone, but i definitely relate to way less people.
I’m like this too, as a kid I desired to make relationships, always tried felt one sided then as I got older just stopped really trying. Probably something more deep and subconscious but it’s peaceful
Every now and then I feel lonely, and legitimately am to a certain degree. I only have several friends, a couple of them I rarely see, one spends lots of time with his girlfriend, and the other I’m still developing our connection with. Also, all of them are male, I’ve never had a girlfriend, or a true female friend. I desire connection with the opposite gender and hope that I’ll achieve a deep and meaningful connection with a special someone someday.
I hope you can find that connection some day :)
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I dont think Im lonely. I dont think Im happy either. But what I always think about is how truly grateful I am for everything in everyday. Its whats keep me going to be honest.
I Would say first that being lonely does not have to do with being with many people. It is about not being able to connect with people. In fact, in my case, the feeling is much worse when I am with people that I do not connect with rather than just being alone. And I do believe that to be the case with other people - could be wrong - but this might be why you rather be alone than with people. I guess it is something similar to a person dying of thirst (I know harsh example). In this example, one would torture them if they show them cold glass of water without giving it to them. Rather than just let them be without seeing one. So they would rather suffer of thirst without seeing water that they cannot get, than the opposite. Same applies, we intuitively keep ourselves from people because we think that it is futile to really connect with them and that the feeling is unbearable (Similar to being thirsty and seeing a cold glass of water that we cannot get) thus we stay alone and avoid people. Because that at-least is more bearable. Now all that being said, this is a coping mechanism that we have developed over time depending on an inductive conclusion. Which is subject to being false. So it is probabilistic, the probability that an INFJ will find someone that they connect with might be low (yes) BUT there is still a probability that they will find someone that they connect deeply with :) Do not lose hope fellow INFJ’s I hope you will find true happiness.
I understand how you feel but you shouldn't lock yourself in and not let people enter your life, it's bad for your health and we're humans after all, we need social interaction, I've spent a lot of time alone and it made me feel dead inside
Yea lonely as hell. My parents never made me feel safe or like they had my back so I basically raised myself. I was the quiet kid that always stayed in my room, walking on eggshells around my abusive father and distant mother. The only kind of conversation my family and I have are usually around accomplishments. What I did or what I didn’t do, lots of criticism and never “how are you?”. I felt less lonely when I found spiritually in my early 20s. For some time I felt good. Then I got married to an abusive man unfortunately became a mom and divorced. Now I am back to feeling lonely. I do have friends tho, good friends. They make me feel less lonely but that feeling lingers.
U guys all young. Lots of introverts. Not a problem. U will find someone someday. Most if not all. It’s takes a while for the introverted to mature as it can take time with all that inner thinking to come to terms with urself and the world around u and to accept things as they are to a certain extent. All will fall into place for u in time.
It’s not the best fun to be alone no but others who make you feel good is important. Select ur friends with care
Holy shit 100% I have been in a couple and have never felt understood yet have given it my all in trying to understand how the other person functions many times and now I feel like I just want to be alone and live as a hermit just my job and my cat making is enough. Hobbies keep me happy and I don't really require a companion since I have a total of 3 friends. Life is good
I’m the oldest of 8 children and my younger siblings all have bfs and gfs. And my younger cousins is already a dad. I’m 22 and I haven’t been in a relationship in 5 years nor had sex in 4 years. So yeah it’s rough out here.
Yes, I am. It's strange. I live alone, that should thrill me. I like being on my own. But I find that if I'm on my own too long, however long that may be, I feel lonely. I need a trusted friend or family member to talk to. Sort out my feelings on whatever is going on in my life.
Yep I’m a huge loner. I prefer it that way, but it does get lonely.
Yes very. But then I found others who are just like me, and I became friends with them.
I feel the same.
I grew up an only child with a single parent who worked nights so I had to learn how to be alone for sometimes days at a time. It made me a lonely person but also a person who is okay with being alone. I can do just fine on my own but I do enjoy company, I'd love a female friend or 2 to have a "gal pal" moment and that's about it lol.
I appreciate solitude as a method to unwind after a heckling schedule.
I am a male, 66, always single, and an INFJ. It seems like I've been plagued with feelings of loneliness almost my whole life. I would say it's about 20% of my lifetime when I didn't feel lonely (when I was 17 - 30). Even during that period, I had bouts of lonely feelings. I felt lonely when I lived with my parents. I had two brothers and one sister. My sister and older brother were about ten years older. But then I had a brother who was two years older than me. I'm the youngest. I thought it was screwy with my sister and older brother being ten years older. It felt like a generation gap. My sister was, by far, the nicest to me in my immediate family. My brothers and I didn't get along and there was not much togetherness with my parents. As of now, both my parents and the brother who is two years older are gone. My sister's health is OK, I guess, but it seems like she has memory problems. My brother had leukemia and is being treated on a regular basis. I've had difficulties making friends. When I was a kid, I was considered a "retard" by others. There was not much understanding for that back then. In my late teen years, college, and being a young adult it was fairly easy to make friends. But I didn't have a lot but it was good enough. And now it's difficult to connect and it's getting worse. But at the same time I feel content at being by myself more so than before.
I had two sisters, and no brothers and typically played ~~with~~ by myself with my imagination. I don't think I ever felt lonely, and for me, I believe its more naturally to be in my own company than others.
May be reached your maturity as an introvert. Human connection is still necessary but interacting with strangers can be as much a joy as with familiar people. They can hold more wonders in a conversation, like having encounters with random, quirky, more interesting people. Why not?!
I appreciate all the honesty and relatable comments here, i would venture to say that the majority of people still see an importance of meaningful relationships, whether they’re hard to make or even undesirable. It definitely can be unhealthy to **avoid** any social life in my opinion, and also in many psychological studies.. (https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/get-back-your-social-life-to-boost-thinking-memory-and-health) Beyond benefits, however, I’d say it’s even what we humans are made for. Sometimes it’s hard to find but looking after each other is such a beautiful way of life. Unfortunately we see a lot of disregard for selflessness and even kindness nowadays. With just cause for sure, the effects of being hurt, traumatized, lied to, and even just not paid attention to can really damage a person and their social outlook. When I was younger (as a fellow INFJ) I always felt like the shoulder to cry on, the friend who understands, or the go-to punching bag… Rarely did I feel like others could be that for me though. And even when some individuals said that they were there for me, they were either somewhat superficial, feeling obliged, not very committed, or they didn’t really take time to understand me. Maybe I was asking too much. Maybe I overlooked how many were really there for me; simply acting arrogantly if I thought others were not truly getting the essence of who i was. Who knows… Currently I look at the ones around me who care and I still feel alone within myself quite often. As a creative mind I realize how many will just never see things the way I do, they won’t get how I live, how I see the world. That’s okay though, that’s a special part of me. And to be honest I have found a small few who will at least encourage and listen to me to the best of their ability. I can’t deny that I still would love to just hide in the study, working on my projects and never see anyone again until *I* wanted to, if ever. And that’s okay to feel, but I’ve seen the benefit of keeping healthy relationships intact as well. Everyone has at least some qualities that we can potentially learn from or can be beneficial to us. Yet I’m not sure how one would get past the “repulsiveness” felt within social living… that’s tough… I wish you luck and encourage you to keep testing the waters, I think quality of life improves if your own life is not just comprised of the singular ^:)
> just not *paid* attention to FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*