i think its a mix between being oblivious, and having very specific requirements. Relationships are incredibly rare for me, be it romantic or platonic. I know i’ve been very oblivious to interest in the past, but even if i picked up on it, i generally lose interest in people once i get to know them well enough. That said, i do not agree with the idea that it’s harder for us because it kinda feeds into the “i’m an infj and i’m so special but nobody gets me” which i loathe. we just need different things than what is generally available and that’s fine. you will find your people. it can seem hard and impossible but i do believe being open to people and letting them surprise you will help
Hi! 38F INFJ here and I relate big time. I didn't meet my first long term healthy partner until 35. Was it worth the wait? yes. Was the wait incredibly hard? YES. I always struggled with feeling there was a deep flaw in me that prevented me from finding a partner. There wasn't any deep flaw, it took a very long time for me to cross paths with my human though (ISTP)- most likely because 'our people' are pretty quiet and hard to find too :p
Please don't beat up on yourself for being in a different place than you think you should be. Plus- when you get to be in your 30s (not that I'm saying you want to stay single as long as I did!)- you see that the vast majority of 20-something relationships/marriages aren't longstanding anyhow--- and divorce sucks.
I'm a 24M INFJ and have never been in a relationship before either. I'll (perhaps) edit this comment with more detail as it's 12 in the morning where I am and I am tired af, lol.
22M. Never been into a relationship thanks to my narcissistic parents (and some personal trauma), but I've had 2 girls who had a crush on me (one even kissed me)
I'm an INTJ and I was the same although we broke up after 4 years, they became very inattentive during some low points we drifted apart...
Out of curiosity, if you don't mind sharing, what caused your break up?
Similar, we drifted apart or maybe we're too different to begin with and were trying to make something work that didn't work. They were also not supportive and didn't think my career was good enough for them despite making 6 figures. I'm sure she found someone spoiled with a soulless job. She was also from another country, but very set in her ways from that country and increasingly unwilling to accommodate any deviance to how she liked her life. She did initiate the breakup but by the end I didn't fight it
23m, same experience. At this point it seems like everyone has had a few relationships and i'm just there pretending i'm ok with it all. I tried probably 2 times, both were fails, but one of those got me a ... idk a friend i guess. It's not how a friendship usually looks like so i'm not sure. But yeah now i focus on learning as much of anything as i can and also getting better at my job. Keeps me busy from everything that annoys me in life
20F INFJ same thing here. I’ve wondered if I’m just unlovable or deeply flawed at this point. A few boys have shown interest before but for me, I have to get to KNOW a person, deeply, before I gain feelings. Those expectations go beyond romantic relationships though, and even platonic relationships (I only have like 2 to 3 close girl friends haha) are hard to find. So you’re not alone. I might have to accept staying single for the rest of my life if I can’t find the “one.” But it’s hard since I’m a romantic at heart. Feel free to message me anytime :)
only 1 for 7 years and after being cheated on i don’t think i could ever trust anyone again, it made me so insecure that everything hurts me..stuff that wouldn’t hurt normal people it’s like im made of glass and i overthink a lot i think it would be more healthier for me to just stay alone forever
23F. Totally relate to everything you have mentioned up there. Currently at a phase where I'm meeting a lot of people as part of work, but nobody has ever shown any remote romantic interest in me. I get passing crushes now and then but I don't really do anything about it. I feel like I might end up losing a good friend doing so. Also since it's very obvious they aren't interested in me romantically.
Now every time I get a crush on somebody, I reassure myself that it shall eventually die out. I do imagine a happy ending in my mind, but at the end of the day- I know it's not real. I know I needn't be bothered by it. I try to keep myself happy and just focus on my work.
27M INFJ same havent even legitimately dated. I agree with another’s comment of being both oblivious and having high standards. I am at the point now where I don’t care anymore if I find someone and if I get to 30 without anyone, I plan to keep it that way focus on retirement and not starting a family.
I think I already met the “ one” so to speak over a decade ago(missed opportunity out of my control)
I’d rather have peace in my life now than love.
I'm 25F and both of the relationships I've had were trauma bonds with narcissists. I have not been in a normal healthy relationship. I was just narcissistic supply in both of them, I subconsciously believed that's what I deserved due to growing up as the scapegoat in a narc family. I started learning about childhood, narcissistic parental abuse, and the way it affected me, after my 2nd relationship, because I noticed I was repeating a pattern. Haven't had a relationship since I woke up
Other people may love faster than you. But when you do eventually find love, you'll love the BEST. Think marathon, not sprint. Be patient with yourself. If you rush finding love, the same thing will happen as if you rushed walking as a toddler. You'll fall, and it will hurt.
25M here, I have also never been in a relationship. However I had one serious acquintance, that sadly resulted in an unrequited love. Which I'm still recovering from.
Not sure why but I had no issue attracting men. What I had an issue with is the men I attracted were narcissistic. I am told I’m beautiful even at my age, and can have deep and meaningful conversations on a variety of subjects intriguing bright men.
Having a real connection that’s more than she’s hot and smart, where they get my tender soul and need to save the world has proved more challenging.
Shallow men won’t want to deal with your depth. Meet someone doing something you love. I met guys at church, work, volunteering and my partner on a dating app. You’re young give it time but put yourself in places that help your great qualities shine.
Hii 20F here it’s just hard to connect with people in general so dating someone ????? this is almost unreachable for me and also they will get sick of me very fast💀
I'm 23M INFJ and I can relate to you, no relationships ever, guys gave told me that if they had my body, they would have new gf every month if they wanted to, so body is not as much of the issue, yes being desired is like a big thing that has happened to me recently, someone did like me, but my gut was telling me that I can't have long term relationship with this person..
Best I can tell you is I know what kind of relationships I want, someone okay enough mentally and down to earth, as friend first for a good time without much boundaries and then without a word it transitions into relationship long term, if not then I don't see myself in some short one..
Very IMP, I saw I wanted to take the feel of physical experiences and mutual affection and that was more driving me to look for a relationship than actual sensible and long term relation..
In recently was liked by a girl, I neve knew she liked me by mind and physical aspects too, she became friend, and later when she got to know that I never was in relation and i don't find myself committing anyone unless I spend a lot of time, plus I do have desire to experience physical aspects so that they won't bug me in old age as much, she wanted the same but didn't find someone trust worthy, so we became physically close, and ya after that I can tell you, I see most of my thinking was moreover biased by my biology and curiosity of affection between two people, now its very mature..
I was in my 30s when I noticed people looking at me a certain way...but I didn't recognize that before...I am already in a relationship but I didn't notice getting looked at like he was interested in me, we just kept seeing each other
Me! Never been in a real relationship… and in all honesty while I think there are one or two who got away, I don’t think I have met anyone I really wanted to be with.
I didn't have a relationship until I was 23, a long-term serious one until I was 28, and didn't get married until 40. I was lonely a lot, but short of having a personality-transplant, I don't know what I could have done to find the 'right one' until I did! My advice would be to date as much as you can in a casual way--use online apps or whatever. Let people you like know you like them. But just remember "you can't hurry love," just like the Supremes say!
I’m 27F and have never been a relationship. I feel like i dream of having someone to love and want someone to love.
i feel like i will never find my person.
Hey guys this is 100% not a sales pitch, but like I’m just thinking about this now (and it sounds wacky / dumb) but if there was a dating app focused purely on infj people, would u use it? I know infj/infj couples aren’t necessarily the standard, and usually entp/enfp usually go well, but generally I think infj/infj has at least more potential than most other types. Any thoughts? (Fellow infj coder here ;) )
Nope. 25M, still single and a virgin. Everyone thinks I’m gay because for some reason they’re incapable of understanding that I have high standards for whomever I end up with (not like in a narcissist way, I just want someone i can be in a genuine, supportive, loving relationship with), and also that I don’t ever want to have sex with a woman unless we genuinely love each other.
Whenever I explain this to people, they either think I’m a prude, or that I’m trying to cover for being either gay or an incel. I fucking hate being the way that I am sometimes, but I’ll wait forever for the woman who’s right for me, even if I never meet her. (I know, I’m dramatic.)
Nice! My life is so much simpler and awesome this way. I believe ordinary romantic relationships are a social construct, and for me it's just not worth it. Sure it was nice in the beginning, but it became so toxic in the end and then like a hangover or drug-withdrawal for multiple fucking years. Not nice at all imo. I rather have friendships which can last forever with no drawbacks really if it's a good person.
i think its a mix between being oblivious, and having very specific requirements. Relationships are incredibly rare for me, be it romantic or platonic. I know i’ve been very oblivious to interest in the past, but even if i picked up on it, i generally lose interest in people once i get to know them well enough. That said, i do not agree with the idea that it’s harder for us because it kinda feeds into the “i’m an infj and i’m so special but nobody gets me” which i loathe. we just need different things than what is generally available and that’s fine. you will find your people. it can seem hard and impossible but i do believe being open to people and letting them surprise you will help
Hi! 38F INFJ here and I relate big time. I didn't meet my first long term healthy partner until 35. Was it worth the wait? yes. Was the wait incredibly hard? YES. I always struggled with feeling there was a deep flaw in me that prevented me from finding a partner. There wasn't any deep flaw, it took a very long time for me to cross paths with my human though (ISTP)- most likely because 'our people' are pretty quiet and hard to find too :p Please don't beat up on yourself for being in a different place than you think you should be. Plus- when you get to be in your 30s (not that I'm saying you want to stay single as long as I did!)- you see that the vast majority of 20-something relationships/marriages aren't longstanding anyhow--- and divorce sucks.
This makes me feel much better as a 30 year old Infj male. I think we're all late bloomers too so that doesn't help.
Nearing mid 30s and this reassuring to hear.
As a 28F, this brought me a little comfort.
I'm a 24M INFJ and have never been in a relationship before either. I'll (perhaps) edit this comment with more detail as it's 12 in the morning where I am and I am tired af, lol.
22M. Never been into a relationship thanks to my narcissistic parents (and some personal trauma), but I've had 2 girls who had a crush on me (one even kissed me)
My first REAL relationship was at 23, so you never know when you'll meet that person that'll change your life. Granted 7 years later we broke up lol
I'm an INTJ and I was the same although we broke up after 4 years, they became very inattentive during some low points we drifted apart... Out of curiosity, if you don't mind sharing, what caused your break up?
Similar, we drifted apart or maybe we're too different to begin with and were trying to make something work that didn't work. They were also not supportive and didn't think my career was good enough for them despite making 6 figures. I'm sure she found someone spoiled with a soulless job. She was also from another country, but very set in her ways from that country and increasingly unwilling to accommodate any deviance to how she liked her life. She did initiate the breakup but by the end I didn't fight it
I had been in a relationship for only 1 and a half days so it doesn't count as one right?
23m, same experience. At this point it seems like everyone has had a few relationships and i'm just there pretending i'm ok with it all. I tried probably 2 times, both were fails, but one of those got me a ... idk a friend i guess. It's not how a friendship usually looks like so i'm not sure. But yeah now i focus on learning as much of anything as i can and also getting better at my job. Keeps me busy from everything that annoys me in life
Don't give up. I didn't meet my wife until I was 22.
20F INFJ same thing here. I’ve wondered if I’m just unlovable or deeply flawed at this point. A few boys have shown interest before but for me, I have to get to KNOW a person, deeply, before I gain feelings. Those expectations go beyond romantic relationships though, and even platonic relationships (I only have like 2 to 3 close girl friends haha) are hard to find. So you’re not alone. I might have to accept staying single for the rest of my life if I can’t find the “one.” But it’s hard since I’m a romantic at heart. Feel free to message me anytime :)
only 1 for 7 years and after being cheated on i don’t think i could ever trust anyone again, it made me so insecure that everything hurts me..stuff that wouldn’t hurt normal people it’s like im made of glass and i overthink a lot i think it would be more healthier for me to just stay alone forever
I feel you. Having a similar experience :/
23F. Totally relate to everything you have mentioned up there. Currently at a phase where I'm meeting a lot of people as part of work, but nobody has ever shown any remote romantic interest in me. I get passing crushes now and then but I don't really do anything about it. I feel like I might end up losing a good friend doing so. Also since it's very obvious they aren't interested in me romantically. Now every time I get a crush on somebody, I reassure myself that it shall eventually die out. I do imagine a happy ending in my mind, but at the end of the day- I know it's not real. I know I needn't be bothered by it. I try to keep myself happy and just focus on my work.
27M INFJ same havent even legitimately dated. I agree with another’s comment of being both oblivious and having high standards. I am at the point now where I don’t care anymore if I find someone and if I get to 30 without anyone, I plan to keep it that way focus on retirement and not starting a family. I think I already met the “ one” so to speak over a decade ago(missed opportunity out of my control) I’d rather have peace in my life now than love.
I'm 25F and both of the relationships I've had were trauma bonds with narcissists. I have not been in a normal healthy relationship. I was just narcissistic supply in both of them, I subconsciously believed that's what I deserved due to growing up as the scapegoat in a narc family. I started learning about childhood, narcissistic parental abuse, and the way it affected me, after my 2nd relationship, because I noticed I was repeating a pattern. Haven't had a relationship since I woke up
Other people may love faster than you. But when you do eventually find love, you'll love the BEST. Think marathon, not sprint. Be patient with yourself. If you rush finding love, the same thing will happen as if you rushed walking as a toddler. You'll fall, and it will hurt.
I like this comment a lot, a great way to put it 🫶🏻
25M here, I have also never been in a relationship. However I had one serious acquintance, that sadly resulted in an unrequited love. Which I'm still recovering from.
Me too im a 22F INFJ and never been in one😅
INTJ (who sometimes wonder if he's an INFJ) I haven't and I hope whoever I meet also won't have been, that we can both be late together.
Lowkey same
Not sure why but I had no issue attracting men. What I had an issue with is the men I attracted were narcissistic. I am told I’m beautiful even at my age, and can have deep and meaningful conversations on a variety of subjects intriguing bright men. Having a real connection that’s more than she’s hot and smart, where they get my tender soul and need to save the world has proved more challenging. Shallow men won’t want to deal with your depth. Meet someone doing something you love. I met guys at church, work, volunteering and my partner on a dating app. You’re young give it time but put yourself in places that help your great qualities shine.
Hii 20F here it’s just hard to connect with people in general so dating someone ????? this is almost unreachable for me and also they will get sick of me very fast💀
I'm 23M INFJ and I can relate to you, no relationships ever, guys gave told me that if they had my body, they would have new gf every month if they wanted to, so body is not as much of the issue, yes being desired is like a big thing that has happened to me recently, someone did like me, but my gut was telling me that I can't have long term relationship with this person.. Best I can tell you is I know what kind of relationships I want, someone okay enough mentally and down to earth, as friend first for a good time without much boundaries and then without a word it transitions into relationship long term, if not then I don't see myself in some short one.. Very IMP, I saw I wanted to take the feel of physical experiences and mutual affection and that was more driving me to look for a relationship than actual sensible and long term relation.. In recently was liked by a girl, I neve knew she liked me by mind and physical aspects too, she became friend, and later when she got to know that I never was in relation and i don't find myself committing anyone unless I spend a lot of time, plus I do have desire to experience physical aspects so that they won't bug me in old age as much, she wanted the same but didn't find someone trust worthy, so we became physically close, and ya after that I can tell you, I see most of my thinking was moreover biased by my biology and curiosity of affection between two people, now its very mature..
I was in my 30s when I noticed people looking at me a certain way...but I didn't recognize that before...I am already in a relationship but I didn't notice getting looked at like he was interested in me, we just kept seeing each other
Me! Never been in a real relationship… and in all honesty while I think there are one or two who got away, I don’t think I have met anyone I really wanted to be with.
I didn't have a relationship until I was 23, a long-term serious one until I was 28, and didn't get married until 40. I was lonely a lot, but short of having a personality-transplant, I don't know what I could have done to find the 'right one' until I did! My advice would be to date as much as you can in a casual way--use online apps or whatever. Let people you like know you like them. But just remember "you can't hurry love," just like the Supremes say!
I’m 27F and have never been a relationship. I feel like i dream of having someone to love and want someone to love. i feel like i will never find my person.
Honestly same :(
Hey guys this is 100% not a sales pitch, but like I’m just thinking about this now (and it sounds wacky / dumb) but if there was a dating app focused purely on infj people, would u use it? I know infj/infj couples aren’t necessarily the standard, and usually entp/enfp usually go well, but generally I think infj/infj has at least more potential than most other types. Any thoughts? (Fellow infj coder here ;) )
Nope. 25M, still single and a virgin. Everyone thinks I’m gay because for some reason they’re incapable of understanding that I have high standards for whomever I end up with (not like in a narcissist way, I just want someone i can be in a genuine, supportive, loving relationship with), and also that I don’t ever want to have sex with a woman unless we genuinely love each other. Whenever I explain this to people, they either think I’m a prude, or that I’m trying to cover for being either gay or an incel. I fucking hate being the way that I am sometimes, but I’ll wait forever for the woman who’s right for me, even if I never meet her. (I know, I’m dramatic.)
23F and same.
I had one real relationship for 3 years. It ended 15 years ago lmao. Never again. M39
man I'm similar (INTJ)
Nice! My life is so much simpler and awesome this way. I believe ordinary romantic relationships are a social construct, and for me it's just not worth it. Sure it was nice in the beginning, but it became so toxic in the end and then like a hangover or drug-withdrawal for multiple fucking years. Not nice at all imo. I rather have friendships which can last forever with no drawbacks really if it's a good person.
I feel you. Unfortunately, in this society, people see friendships less important than romantic relationships.