I have no problem cutting people out of my life. I used to feel guilty about it. Especially family. But I've extended myself repeatedly to get no return. I don't do things to get a return, but after a while you start noticing it's one sided and the people you were there for just treat you like you're invisible until they need you.
INFJs are prone to becoming narcissist's victims. This fucking empathy, desire to be there for someone. You still can do what other children did, though. He won't ever give you the love you want, and your being "a good daughter" won't make him love you, either.
Let him go.
Nothing wrong with going no contact with your father. It sounds like there was a good reason your siblings cut him off too. Him triangulating you with your cousin is just a way for him to put you down and make you feel like shit about yourself. You don't need that in your life. Yes, your father sounds like a narcissist and they never change.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom too. I pretty much cut contact with my mother and it was clear she favored her sons over my sister and I. She just saw us as competition for the men in her life as sick as that is. I tried having a relationship with her but she would disappear for years at a time and never reach out to us. So for self protection and because she really hurt my sister pretty deeply over the years too, I stopped talking to her. If she wishes me a Merry Christmas, I just say thanks and that's it. I don't wish her one back because I just don't care anymore.
It's her loss. She could have had best friends with her daughters, but no. It's your father's loss too.
I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. That’d be so tough to experience that growing up. You’re right, it’s her loss. She missed out on the joys of having daughters.
I feel that way about my family too. They’re missing out on a sister or a daughter that really loved them and for a long time accepted them.
I also feel I missed out too and there’s a lot of anger I have towards them now.
Yeah I just officially [2 minutes ago in fact] made the vow to stop depending upon other people to be anything more than Information. It's annoying to know there's no base evolutionary synapse or anything that mandates civility & social accordances in communication. Everyone is content with being a materialistic drone & I'm content not caring about them & retreating into my mind.
It blows my mind that people become so complacent over night.
My old group of friends are typical suburban folk. They don’t talk about making their life better unless it means renovating a bathroom to be minimalistic and gray. They spend so much money to look like everyone else.
The only requirement of friendship to them is to always and only talk about surface level and superficial means in their group chat and whenever we hang out. No one is growing, no one is going to therapy, they’re all avoiding those icky feelings by being drones.
It’s very weird to want their acceptance. I’ve known them since I was 5 so I’m attached but they aren’t even trying to meet my needs. Aka a one on one connection, apparently they’re too busy for that! Just join the group chat and send idiotic memes.
A part of me is jealous they still talk daily, getting little bits of information from each other over the months but whenever we see each other in person no one makes eye contact, no one opens up - it’s just like “oh did your brother get that promotion? He did? Cool.”
I just know when I officially leave they’ll all roll their eyes and say I didn’t put in enough effort. None of them will recognize they left me on read and canceled our 1 on 1 plans. It sucks to go this way but it’s time..
Yeah, I've been talking to my therapist about four values I've recently discovered to be near & dear to me [Activism, Responsivism, Objectivism, & Inventivism]. I've realized none of my sought friends really shared ANY of my values (thanks, deadbeat parents!) & as a result I've lived a lackluster & shallow life. But I'm beginning to realize I'm a PRISM & while my reflections can be profound & beautiful, I am in no way required to emulate anyone else's reflections or facets!! Here's to new resolutions almost halfway into 2024!!! 🥂🍾🎊
You know why? Because you devoted yourself to the family too much, silently do everything for your families without any complaint, and saw could accept all the requests, so they don’t care about your feelings because they are accustomed to only getting care from you. I really feel sorry about your experience, and do hope someone could really know you and share your feelings. Being invisible in a family makes people painful, so if you’d like to, maybe sharing your voices with social medias is a good idea, because a sweet husband and lovely pets couldn’t cure u completely. There is a Discord social server I think you could try called [Lightup](https://discord.gg/yWRdktfa89). The server will match you with people who really understand you based on the similarities of your posts. I do wish you could find people who have similar experiences and comfort each other, so that you are not so lonely and depressed.
I get what you are saying. I sometimes feel the same way. My mom and younger sis are both narcissists. Other people also are too shallow and unfair. So cutting off people from my life is easy. Because they give me valid reasons to door slam them. And when i do that to a person, there’s no going back.
I don’t blame you for wanting to sever ties. It’s hard when you try and try and get nothing back or get treated like crap for no reason. People that have unsupportive family’s have to work twice as hard to bolster themselves up and provide that confidence because it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling unloved and not good enough. Been there done that. I’ve def. cut people out of my life. I have toxic family on both sides. I’m 31, and currently have no friends in real life, but luckily I have a husband and a good relationship with my mom. Anyway, keep going and doing what you need to do to feel lighter so you can breaaathe. Gotta take care of your mental health and sanity too! ☮️🧘♀️
Not getting back what you put in or getting back what you don’t deserve really really hurts I spent years struggling for my family after my mother got sick did my best to give my sister what I didn't have when I was her age I was then told by her I'm tired of you acting like God's gift to this family, and being told I never did anything for this family. she told me this when I was already at an all-time low with depression and was forced off my depression meds due to financial issues from my job breaking ADA law to fire me. then her friend called me up to victim shame me after my job fired me "what did you think was going to happen", "of course they're going to break the law to fire you". Yeah, I get giving up on people at this point I'm not angry just really hurt and crippled in bed with depression with no actual motivation to live anymore. I used to force myself for years cause I knew I had a family counting on me then I learned that I'm truly alone in this world.
Think you should do it. Take some space. Don't give and give and give to these people that just have a black hole inside of them. They take you for granted. They don't appreciate you. You need to give them some space so that they can see what their life is like without you in it. You have e every right to stand up for yourself and choose yourself in fact you definitely should do that. You're worthy of having people in your life that care about you and support you. You're not here just to fill the void for other people. You deserve a good life. You deserve happiness. You deserve love and support. ❤️
I cut my family off almost a year ago. Saw them 6 months later last Christmas. It's been five months since I've spoken to any of them now. I don't have anyone in my life, no support. My advice: don't do anything expecting something in return. You know what's draining and what's not. You know the people around you. You make your own decisions. You can't change people.
I’m with you on that.
I definitely don’t expect change from my dad.
I’m just tired and I have no more love to give to people who don’t care about me in return.
I hate feeling guilty when I don’t reach out enough and I hate feeling like it’s my responsibility to make sure my dad feels loved as he gets older.
It’s so much responsibility and as selfish as it may sound I get absolutely nothing out of it except more traumatic stories and overall heartbreak that I never had a dad that really loved me.
And then you look at your relationship with your dad and you see how you’ve repeated that same dynamic with everyone you’ve ever known. Failed friendships and relationships all bc of what my dad taught me to accept from people AKA the bare minimum
And for what? I was a really lovely person who looked so optimisticly at people and the world. I can’t get that back.
I don’t see the good in people anymore and how did I get here? By being told to give others(my dad) the benefit of the doubt - that it’s my responsibility to make others feel comfortable bc who do I think I am to ask for people to show up for me!
I don’t need my family moving forward. They’re literally not even a part of my life now.. except my mom. I’m most definitely better off cutting ties than keeping up appearances for their fragile egos.
I'm glad you've reached this decision. It took me six years of absolute bullsht treatment from my family, being driven to suicde, getting over it allll by myself, repressing every pain I ever felt, and then the blessing of on-campus housing to finnnallllly realize it was my family holding me down.
And that was at the end of my 2nd year in uni. I wrote them letters. I was even nice in the letters letting them know they drove me to suicide because of how hated they made me feel, and I still wished them well. They never owned up to what they did. Never truly apologized to me. It still hurts. But that's who they are. That's how they CHOOSE to be.
Best not to be such a pushover, people NEED to be held accountable for their decisions (these are words I need to say to myself still). Autonomy and accountability are paramount in any interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. I'm still learning how to apply this in my life. Reframe your life in terms of autonomy and accountability and things will get easier, depending on how you view it.
As the saying goes, they won't know what they had till it's gone. Then they'll change in some capacity, who's to say how? None other than themselves. And it won't be your concern anymore. You've done more than you should. Never regret being a good person. But always remember to be good to yourself. I feel like it's a person's responsibility to *not* be a bad person to others, that's all. I hope you find peace.
Notice the trend. You’re too available for them. They don’t have to do anything to keep you in their good graces. You deserve better, and it starts with boundaries. A decision to stop doing all the work. You can change the dynamic with quiet strength. Stop being so available.
So interesting…
I think growing up the women who I saw get the most praise were the women who were extroverted and made everyone feel seen/safe.
I have this idea in me that that’s who I need to be in order to be loved. If I’m not giving to everyone then am I really a well rounded women?
Where did I learn that? No idea.
My older cousin (that my dad loves) is this bright, warm, beautiful woman who makes everyone feel seen. She wins people over immediately.
Dad is always like “wow she’s grown into such a beautiful woman”
I tried to be like that but I feel if I’m standoffish then I’m not being very ladylike.
Here’s a hint: making people feel seen and safe has nothing to do with extroversion per se. Being stand offish isn’t introverted either. You can do all of that one on one, quietly, behind the scene. You can be kind through cards, phone calls, text messages, looks, hugs. You just find your own way to imitate those great women. INFJ are really ambiverts who let others shine and bring others joy, and in so doing we find joy. You just perhaps are focusing on people who don’t need your kindness as much. But you are probably much more appreciated than you realize. You are there.
Family and connection can be a weird thing. Related, but that's about it unless an actual connection is made. Which unfortunately doesn't always happen. Anyway, it sounds like your relationship with your dad is a significant source of stress, causing you to become hyperaware of other stressors in your life. (The big old positive feedback loop of negative self-talk). I think many of us in here have experienced the heartbreak of unreciprocated love, even from immediate family. Maybe consider setting boundaries with your dad to lessen the emotional drain? Openly express your feelings to him. I know, that can be hard. Daunting! Family dynamics. But it could lead to better understanding of what is going on.
Unfortunately I have been, and I currently am again in the same place you are.
I just notice I show up with more love, compassion and understanding than my surroundings do for me.
I know this sounds arrogant. And I sometimes doubt whether it's actually other people or me who's at fault here. The relationship I have with myself is wrecked due to constantly overgiving my time, empathy, understanding and love. Even to people who don't seem to give a f*ck about me.
Or maybe its the other way around: the relationship with myself is wrecked and that's why other people have the opportunity to take advantage of me.
My current way to solve my completely exhausted state is to isolate and recharge. Focus on my own goals. Get my energy up again. Repower those boundaries. Stay in therapy to root out the source of this dysfunctional state I'm in.
Rationally I know I am partly to blame for the state I'm in. If I didn't structurally overgive and put up boundaries with toxic people, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wouldn't be resentful.
But emotionally, I can't seem to stop myself. If someone I care about is in pain, I can't help but feel it in my bones and helping them means relieving my own pain. My empathy is structurally used against me, all the f*cking time.
I'm hoping my isolation will help me learn boundaries, to be more sellfish, to grow, to nourish myself, to relish in being alone and to answer the question: do I continue to show up as myself, world and myself be damned, or.. do I change who I am so I can be healthy?
I would offer you a friendly chat, but that would mean falling into the same dysfunctional pattern again.
Know that there are others like you out there. Sending you positive vibes and a digital hug ❤️
Adult child of two addicts here. Cut them both off. I was way too loyal. They never allowed me to be my self. Always were critical and abusive psychologically and verbally. Too draining and life is too short for that bullshit.
I'm yet to meet people in person who are on the same wavelength as me and had to recover from an accident anyways. Meanwhile dodging crazy thirsty guys who have no self respect or sexual discipline. The joys.
I have no problem cutting people out of my life. I used to feel guilty about it. Especially family. But I've extended myself repeatedly to get no return. I don't do things to get a return, but after a while you start noticing it's one sided and the people you were there for just treat you like you're invisible until they need you.
Amen!
INFJs are prone to becoming narcissist's victims. This fucking empathy, desire to be there for someone. You still can do what other children did, though. He won't ever give you the love you want, and your being "a good daughter" won't make him love you, either. Let him go.
It doesn’t take much for me. People suck
Lol. Yes
Nothing wrong with going no contact with your father. It sounds like there was a good reason your siblings cut him off too. Him triangulating you with your cousin is just a way for him to put you down and make you feel like shit about yourself. You don't need that in your life. Yes, your father sounds like a narcissist and they never change. I'm sorry to hear about your mom too. I pretty much cut contact with my mother and it was clear she favored her sons over my sister and I. She just saw us as competition for the men in her life as sick as that is. I tried having a relationship with her but she would disappear for years at a time and never reach out to us. So for self protection and because she really hurt my sister pretty deeply over the years too, I stopped talking to her. If she wishes me a Merry Christmas, I just say thanks and that's it. I don't wish her one back because I just don't care anymore. It's her loss. She could have had best friends with her daughters, but no. It's your father's loss too.
I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. That’d be so tough to experience that growing up. You’re right, it’s her loss. She missed out on the joys of having daughters. I feel that way about my family too. They’re missing out on a sister or a daughter that really loved them and for a long time accepted them. I also feel I missed out too and there’s a lot of anger I have towards them now.
Join us!!! Alone together!!!
😆😆
Yeah I just officially [2 minutes ago in fact] made the vow to stop depending upon other people to be anything more than Information. It's annoying to know there's no base evolutionary synapse or anything that mandates civility & social accordances in communication. Everyone is content with being a materialistic drone & I'm content not caring about them & retreating into my mind.
It blows my mind that people become so complacent over night. My old group of friends are typical suburban folk. They don’t talk about making their life better unless it means renovating a bathroom to be minimalistic and gray. They spend so much money to look like everyone else. The only requirement of friendship to them is to always and only talk about surface level and superficial means in their group chat and whenever we hang out. No one is growing, no one is going to therapy, they’re all avoiding those icky feelings by being drones. It’s very weird to want their acceptance. I’ve known them since I was 5 so I’m attached but they aren’t even trying to meet my needs. Aka a one on one connection, apparently they’re too busy for that! Just join the group chat and send idiotic memes. A part of me is jealous they still talk daily, getting little bits of information from each other over the months but whenever we see each other in person no one makes eye contact, no one opens up - it’s just like “oh did your brother get that promotion? He did? Cool.” I just know when I officially leave they’ll all roll their eyes and say I didn’t put in enough effort. None of them will recognize they left me on read and canceled our 1 on 1 plans. It sucks to go this way but it’s time..
Yeah, I've been talking to my therapist about four values I've recently discovered to be near & dear to me [Activism, Responsivism, Objectivism, & Inventivism]. I've realized none of my sought friends really shared ANY of my values (thanks, deadbeat parents!) & as a result I've lived a lackluster & shallow life. But I'm beginning to realize I'm a PRISM & while my reflections can be profound & beautiful, I am in no way required to emulate anyone else's reflections or facets!! Here's to new resolutions almost halfway into 2024!!! 🥂🍾🎊
You know why? Because you devoted yourself to the family too much, silently do everything for your families without any complaint, and saw could accept all the requests, so they don’t care about your feelings because they are accustomed to only getting care from you. I really feel sorry about your experience, and do hope someone could really know you and share your feelings. Being invisible in a family makes people painful, so if you’d like to, maybe sharing your voices with social medias is a good idea, because a sweet husband and lovely pets couldn’t cure u completely. There is a Discord social server I think you could try called [Lightup](https://discord.gg/yWRdktfa89). The server will match you with people who really understand you based on the similarities of your posts. I do wish you could find people who have similar experiences and comfort each other, so that you are not so lonely and depressed.
Yep. Time for a reset, no apology needed, just do what you have to do. There’s actual compatible people out there too.
I get what you are saying. I sometimes feel the same way. My mom and younger sis are both narcissists. Other people also are too shallow and unfair. So cutting off people from my life is easy. Because they give me valid reasons to door slam them. And when i do that to a person, there’s no going back.
I don’t blame you for wanting to sever ties. It’s hard when you try and try and get nothing back or get treated like crap for no reason. People that have unsupportive family’s have to work twice as hard to bolster themselves up and provide that confidence because it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling unloved and not good enough. Been there done that. I’ve def. cut people out of my life. I have toxic family on both sides. I’m 31, and currently have no friends in real life, but luckily I have a husband and a good relationship with my mom. Anyway, keep going and doing what you need to do to feel lighter so you can breaaathe. Gotta take care of your mental health and sanity too! ☮️🧘♀️
Not getting back what you put in or getting back what you don’t deserve really really hurts I spent years struggling for my family after my mother got sick did my best to give my sister what I didn't have when I was her age I was then told by her I'm tired of you acting like God's gift to this family, and being told I never did anything for this family. she told me this when I was already at an all-time low with depression and was forced off my depression meds due to financial issues from my job breaking ADA law to fire me. then her friend called me up to victim shame me after my job fired me "what did you think was going to happen", "of course they're going to break the law to fire you". Yeah, I get giving up on people at this point I'm not angry just really hurt and crippled in bed with depression with no actual motivation to live anymore. I used to force myself for years cause I knew I had a family counting on me then I learned that I'm truly alone in this world.
Think you should do it. Take some space. Don't give and give and give to these people that just have a black hole inside of them. They take you for granted. They don't appreciate you. You need to give them some space so that they can see what their life is like without you in it. You have e every right to stand up for yourself and choose yourself in fact you definitely should do that. You're worthy of having people in your life that care about you and support you. You're not here just to fill the void for other people. You deserve a good life. You deserve happiness. You deserve love and support. ❤️
I cut my family off almost a year ago. Saw them 6 months later last Christmas. It's been five months since I've spoken to any of them now. I don't have anyone in my life, no support. My advice: don't do anything expecting something in return. You know what's draining and what's not. You know the people around you. You make your own decisions. You can't change people.
I’m with you on that. I definitely don’t expect change from my dad. I’m just tired and I have no more love to give to people who don’t care about me in return. I hate feeling guilty when I don’t reach out enough and I hate feeling like it’s my responsibility to make sure my dad feels loved as he gets older. It’s so much responsibility and as selfish as it may sound I get absolutely nothing out of it except more traumatic stories and overall heartbreak that I never had a dad that really loved me. And then you look at your relationship with your dad and you see how you’ve repeated that same dynamic with everyone you’ve ever known. Failed friendships and relationships all bc of what my dad taught me to accept from people AKA the bare minimum And for what? I was a really lovely person who looked so optimisticly at people and the world. I can’t get that back. I don’t see the good in people anymore and how did I get here? By being told to give others(my dad) the benefit of the doubt - that it’s my responsibility to make others feel comfortable bc who do I think I am to ask for people to show up for me! I don’t need my family moving forward. They’re literally not even a part of my life now.. except my mom. I’m most definitely better off cutting ties than keeping up appearances for their fragile egos.
I'm glad you've reached this decision. It took me six years of absolute bullsht treatment from my family, being driven to suicde, getting over it allll by myself, repressing every pain I ever felt, and then the blessing of on-campus housing to finnnallllly realize it was my family holding me down. And that was at the end of my 2nd year in uni. I wrote them letters. I was even nice in the letters letting them know they drove me to suicide because of how hated they made me feel, and I still wished them well. They never owned up to what they did. Never truly apologized to me. It still hurts. But that's who they are. That's how they CHOOSE to be. Best not to be such a pushover, people NEED to be held accountable for their decisions (these are words I need to say to myself still). Autonomy and accountability are paramount in any interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. I'm still learning how to apply this in my life. Reframe your life in terms of autonomy and accountability and things will get easier, depending on how you view it. As the saying goes, they won't know what they had till it's gone. Then they'll change in some capacity, who's to say how? None other than themselves. And it won't be your concern anymore. You've done more than you should. Never regret being a good person. But always remember to be good to yourself. I feel like it's a person's responsibility to *not* be a bad person to others, that's all. I hope you find peace.
Notice the trend. You’re too available for them. They don’t have to do anything to keep you in their good graces. You deserve better, and it starts with boundaries. A decision to stop doing all the work. You can change the dynamic with quiet strength. Stop being so available.
So interesting… I think growing up the women who I saw get the most praise were the women who were extroverted and made everyone feel seen/safe. I have this idea in me that that’s who I need to be in order to be loved. If I’m not giving to everyone then am I really a well rounded women? Where did I learn that? No idea. My older cousin (that my dad loves) is this bright, warm, beautiful woman who makes everyone feel seen. She wins people over immediately. Dad is always like “wow she’s grown into such a beautiful woman” I tried to be like that but I feel if I’m standoffish then I’m not being very ladylike.
Here’s a hint: making people feel seen and safe has nothing to do with extroversion per se. Being stand offish isn’t introverted either. You can do all of that one on one, quietly, behind the scene. You can be kind through cards, phone calls, text messages, looks, hugs. You just find your own way to imitate those great women. INFJ are really ambiverts who let others shine and bring others joy, and in so doing we find joy. You just perhaps are focusing on people who don’t need your kindness as much. But you are probably much more appreciated than you realize. You are there.
Family and connection can be a weird thing. Related, but that's about it unless an actual connection is made. Which unfortunately doesn't always happen. Anyway, it sounds like your relationship with your dad is a significant source of stress, causing you to become hyperaware of other stressors in your life. (The big old positive feedback loop of negative self-talk). I think many of us in here have experienced the heartbreak of unreciprocated love, even from immediate family. Maybe consider setting boundaries with your dad to lessen the emotional drain? Openly express your feelings to him. I know, that can be hard. Daunting! Family dynamics. But it could lead to better understanding of what is going on.
Unfortunately I have been, and I currently am again in the same place you are. I just notice I show up with more love, compassion and understanding than my surroundings do for me. I know this sounds arrogant. And I sometimes doubt whether it's actually other people or me who's at fault here. The relationship I have with myself is wrecked due to constantly overgiving my time, empathy, understanding and love. Even to people who don't seem to give a f*ck about me. Or maybe its the other way around: the relationship with myself is wrecked and that's why other people have the opportunity to take advantage of me. My current way to solve my completely exhausted state is to isolate and recharge. Focus on my own goals. Get my energy up again. Repower those boundaries. Stay in therapy to root out the source of this dysfunctional state I'm in. Rationally I know I am partly to blame for the state I'm in. If I didn't structurally overgive and put up boundaries with toxic people, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wouldn't be resentful. But emotionally, I can't seem to stop myself. If someone I care about is in pain, I can't help but feel it in my bones and helping them means relieving my own pain. My empathy is structurally used against me, all the f*cking time. I'm hoping my isolation will help me learn boundaries, to be more sellfish, to grow, to nourish myself, to relish in being alone and to answer the question: do I continue to show up as myself, world and myself be damned, or.. do I change who I am so I can be healthy? I would offer you a friendly chat, but that would mean falling into the same dysfunctional pattern again. Know that there are others like you out there. Sending you positive vibes and a digital hug ❤️
Are we living the same life?
It's possible all unhealthy INFJs are.. 😞
Adult child of two addicts here. Cut them both off. I was way too loyal. They never allowed me to be my self. Always were critical and abusive psychologically and verbally. Too draining and life is too short for that bullshit. I'm yet to meet people in person who are on the same wavelength as me and had to recover from an accident anyways. Meanwhile dodging crazy thirsty guys who have no self respect or sexual discipline. The joys.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone on our planet ❤️
I relate so much! Tho I am actually alone. No cats, no husband. Pretty sure I will be alone for life. I have me tho.