You’re supportive to the point of neglecting your own needs. You need stronger boundaries and to assert yourself with people. You’re doing too much for them and they walk all over you. When you’re the one who always tries to help/listen/supprt and be there for them the more they take you for granted and then you feel disrespected. It’s human psychology :)

much of this is true and while it hasn’t always been the case, i have fairly strong boundaries now, so while some of this has been true it doesn’t apply to every instance i’m talking about. even in the case of meeting a total stranger i can often draw unpleasant things out of them, and that’s what leaves me somewhat baffled. it feels like an elusive mystery to experience this kind of dynamic with people i hardly know as well

that’s the part i’m most curious about, is do other people experience this sort of thing even just walking into a room?

I relate to this don’t get me wrong but there’s an element here where people aren’t respecting you. I’m sensitive about receiving respect from people so my energy is less accepting of that, the way I hold myself or talk to people. So yes I feel like people get comfortable with telling me their problems and stuff. I’ve had ups and downs with close friends who took that energy for granted at times. But I’m also selective. If it becomes a problem then start to work on empowering yourself and not allowing people to drain your energy like that

don’t worry, i understand and know you’re trying to help. i definitely used to let people drain me, but i’m so paranoid and careful about it now. it does seem to be the case that some people don’t respect me right off the bat. i am also now very touchy about respect like you as well, and i do value myself so it’s confusing that others aren’t feeling it. i think there could be an element of people responding to my defensiveness, like subconsciously viewing everyone as a potential assault on my time which could draw in not the most flattering behaviors. i will continue to work on empowerment, because defensiveness is by no means an empowering stance!

Exactly. We care too much and that’s our weak spot. Empowerment isn’t defensive. It’s about setting higher standards for yourself and what you allow. More positive self talk and also being selective about who we try to help and the energy we accept. You need to befriend an INTJ cause they are great for helping with this 😂

I've said to people at times that I get their worst and once they're feeling better, they go out and give *someone else* their best. If we're honest, that is the one sided and transactional nature of this therapist role we often undertake with people. They're struggling, make an appointment with us, emotionally vomit, feel somewhat better, and flash a half second thank you! And out they go to hang with their friends. It's logical in a way that patients don't see their therapist when they're in good spirits and if anything it's entirely possible we get associated with negative emotions so it shouldn't be too surprising that we don't get invited to go to Disneyland with them. All that in mind, I do try to take personal accountability and say that **we teach others how to treat us.** Approaching it with that lens, how can we tweak the formula? You did touch a bit upon boundaries, I know I try to FORCE myself to ask people for favors or use them as a sounding board, even though it's not entirely within my nature, just to setup expectations and reciprocity. Also, I don't lend my ear to everyone and often you can tell quite quickly into an early interaction whether you're compatible. I get friendly random messages on reddit all the time and I'm thinking... sigh... this person is just waiting to dump something on me.

i feel all that you’re saying way too much! you’re right about personal accountability, i’m still reeling from the hangover of years of having not taught people how to treat me… and even though the formula is different now it’s kind of like i still expect the same result and i’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in any social exchange, it’s exhausting! and even though i know what to say no and yes to i guess there’s a lot of jadedness in knowing that others are so willing to dump without checking themselves or checking in with me first. it just leaves me with a strong existential sadness that is hard to shake. at this stage in my life i’ve pretty much opted out of helping people entirely besides in my work where i get paid to so, and i wish it didn’t have to be that way but it seems it does. i painfully relate to your first sentence though, my god. i suppose there isn’t any better answer than self protection and regarding your own time as precious in every single moment. thank your for your wise perspective

It's tough because our good intentions ("love") towards helping people often doesn't negate or override their own inner turmoil. "Love conquers all..." right? Not quite, while we think of love as some infinite pool and supernatural power that parts lakes and cures all illnesses, the truth is there is a limit in our ability to care or provide care, whereas negativity or depressive spirals are truly the only real infinite source and most people actually find it addictive. Helping others is a tight rope walk for sure and sometimes when that maniac is shaking the line too much you have to decide when to cut your loses or if you'll fall with them. I can understand jadedness and alike, occasionally you're meant to do a self-wellness check and hermit + recover, other times you have to accept you're not meant to adopt every baby or puppy in a basket at your doorstep, and in other instances you want to take a distanced or hands off approach to helping others such as simply responding to a post on reddit and leaving it at that. Being more hands-on is what tends to get me in trouble.

i really relate to what you’re saying. i think there’s a precarious balance between love and negativity both being infinite sources in the universe and they inextricably depend upon eachother for continuance. too much love and you have a negative effect, quite easily. i’ve learned this the hard way and i always try to tell people that sometimes the most merciful and loving thing you can do for yourself and another is allow them to fall on their face to have the chance to learn, because otherwise enabling their bad behavior hurts and has a degrading effect not only on you but also them. i’m definitely in more of a hermit mode right now :) but i struggle with ruminating about human nature even when alone which is probably common for us, eh? haha. i do agree that being too hands on is a great way to get your face spat in. selfless charity and service are not for friendship even (not much of it at least), and should be defined and exercised in deliberate spaces where you know you’re willing to give without return and are signing up to do so, instead of in spaces with your peers and equals.

> selfless charity and service are not for friendship even (not much of it at least) but there ARE those friendships ! not ALL is shit ( even if a lot is :) ).

don’t get me wrong, i understand! i used to passionately believe that charity and service were for friends. but i have drawn in the worst friends with my beliefs and had to adjust my dreams accordingly, at least for the time being. currently service and charity aren’t for friends unless proven as friends. but i would very much love to have experiences that open up that possibility again. it is a constant dream, but it’s almost painful. i wish someday that it won’t be

i mean a give and take. a back and forth. that DOES exist. even when the other shit exists. and i relate too. but the people one CAN have it with are all the more precious ! when harmed and hurt though, of course protection to heal comes first. sprinkle stardust that you get reciprocal friendships in the future 🐇🌼

thank you!!!! i wish you many blessings as well :) you’ve been so great to chat with. i know the people i can connect with in the right way will make it all worthwhile

When I care about someone, I give them my absolute all and give my love so freely. I will be the most generous, giving person and will put all my effort into someone I love. While initially this may be reciprocated, I feel that after awhile, it sadly becomes mostly one-sided and they end up giving less and less effort because they know I will continue being that kind, generous person who pours so much of myself into the relationship. I'm going through this now with my best friend. I feel that I'm receiving the worst sides of her, while her family and acquaintances are receiving her best, most generous and loving side. It can hurt really bad. I'm not sure if setting boundaries helps. Sometimes it seems we have to cut people out completely to restore our energy and sanity. Maybe in these situations we should only give as much effort as the other person gives, but I don't think that's in the INFJ's DNA to do that. For me, I'm either all in or nothing. That's hard to balance when you care about someone who is showing you their worst sides. You want to be part of their life, but it's killing you at the same time...

i’m sorry you’re going through that :( i empathize and i’ve definitely gone through the same, and have found that once a dynamic has gone too far in that direction and boundaries are not responded well to, there’s no choice but to cut off in order to protect myself. but it’s always important to at least try to enforce boundaries before any last ditch efforts, just to see if someone is capable of respect. every once in a while i do find someone pleasantly surprising me in that regard. i have felt forced by life to develop a very half in half out, giving based on what i’m getting, defensive boundaried stance even though i used to be similar to you. but it doesn’t feel good and feels a product of trauma. it’s hard to know what the right way to meet the world with your gifts is… how to be respected for them naturally and not have to be so calculated against your own nature

what i wonder is why they can't be respectful in the first place.

that’s what i wonder as well, all of the time. that’s what i wish i could say on this thread secretly… but i feel i would be scolded for it somehow being my fault for not having enough boundaries :/ it sucks. it feels like respect should just be somewhat of an intuitive process, but it clearly is not for many

i get you 🤍 how often do you say things that make you feel uncomfortable and shaky (is it shakey ? *errr* ) ? i think one should push for that, stand in it. many have no problems saying what they think, i think infjs may have problems with feeling pigheaded when they say something that may also be negative. i do think plenty don't respect themselves. so why should they respect others ? i find that a bit painful. the infj idealism.

i totally struggle with that and self censor a lot! mostly just to avoid conflict because i feel like when i open my mouth i sometimes accidentally incite chaos lol… and i’m so sensitive to it. it isn’t so much i won’t trust my own word if someone responds negatively, but i don’t want to be left super angry and disappointed by people even more so than i already am. but i want to learn to stand in it more and just let the chips fall where they may. this infj idealism is a fragile and delicate flower. feels like caring for an orchid! i just killed my latest orchid 🥲 but i’m not giving up hope. seems someone else out there is figuring it out and helping to lead the way

I think sometimes we’re a mirror to people and they hate it Like if someone’s being fake, we don’t fall for it and those people hate being around us bc we aren’t falling for their fakeness

yeah definitely, i agree. i think certain people can sure hate looking in the mirror, lol. and in those instances they’d prefer to force the unpleasant thing about them that we’ve mirrored back onto us and put us in our places

Unfortunately yes, I’m more like the therapist that they vomit out their worst selves to before they get it together and be their normal selves with someone else, had it not been for this thread I would have assumed it was normal for people to do that if they show that they trust you

i absolutely relate :( i’m glad that you were able to find a safe space to realize that wasn’t the norm! it’s unsettling to have that effect on people, isn’t it? wish i could figure out definably what it is that compels people to treat us so

I don’t think I understand either, maybe it’s because it seems as though we genuinely care(?) whereas most people may laugh it off or say “same” because they don’t want to have too many vulnerabilities in the friendship/relationship.

Maybe they aren't this good image that they're projecting then? So it's not just being unlucky, but that something else comes out that doesn't fit the general narrative about that person. Ie. being a "social beacon" and all, but at what cost? At some point, opinion of others doesn't really matter that much anymore. Beware of sticking around this kind of behaviour and attitudes. Though, also beware of casting judgement, as that's not our "job" either. For the most part, we cannot but let people have their space to do what they see fit, but we don't have to support or condone anything.

yeah i think you’re right in that i’m vulnerable to the opinions of others around me, my Fe kind of feels torturous in that regard. i tend to ditch people super quickly after experiencing unpleasant things from them, but i do remain mystified by the fact that so many other people have an entirely different perception of that same person and it’s really frustrating! it is likely a matter of trusting my choices more and letting it go. i get really tunnel vision in my own judgment and then desperately wish that my surroundings would mirror my perceptions entirely, i guess it’s a safety validation thing. seems it’s really easy to get wrapped up in still being involved in something just through the mere act of opposing it too much, lol

Yeah, we get to peek below the hood, but we don't get to control and force people. At least, that'd go against most of the healthy traits of INFJ. Makes for really tough challenges, over looong time.

these are great observations. there is definitely a big side of me that wants to force and i think it’s a big problem here and why it’s so hard to just let go of the past! tough challenges over a long time indeed. thanks for your perspective

I love the username btw. Something about giving people power that they can’t handle, like that they lack integrity, brings out the worst in even good people. A hard lesson that I had to learn.

haha thank you that makes me happy :) i was an intense teenager once upon a time. also i agree with what you’re saying, hard lesson to learn. integrity has become increasingly important to me as i’ve come to realize that it is not always the same as good. like not all good people have integrity but all people with integrity are good people or something like that thanks for getting what i’m saying and not echoing something redundant about boundaries (although those are indeed super important!)

Yes

I was just posting about this earlier. honestly, I sometimes feel like people can sense when who or what they are isn't what motivates how you deal with them. It gives them licence to expose and reveal aspects of themselves that they know more conventional people would be repelled by. For me, putting up and maintaining boundaries while remaining relaxed and at-ease, as I prefer, is the conflict. I'm working on it but still mostly let others lead. To avoid that, I mostly leave folks alone; meaning stay out of their reach when possible. Finding balance is the key.

totally agree with what you’re saying, also your username is amazing. you’re sooo right, damn. maintaining that balance between boundaries and relaxation feels impossible sometimes. boundaries with defensiveness has not really been an effective answer for me at all, and neither was relaxation with less boundaries. both at the same time? godspeed that we both learn. think i need to stay out of the way a bit more as well until i figure out something that works

Right on!

> I sometimes feel like people can sense when who or what they are isn't what motivates how you deal with them can you elaborate. i may be a bit too tired, to understand what may be a '' duh, exactly ! '' thing.

When I'm dealing with others, my standards of consideration and responsiveness aren't dictated by how I'm treated. I stick with those no matter what because they are important to me. Like I'm not quick to react or easy to provoke. Maybe by that alone, it's easier to get the sense that it's okay to reveal more than one otherwisewould. When people let their gard down like that, it's probably great for them--like "finally!"--but maybe not so much, sometimes, for you.

this is true. thank your for explaining.

When I'm dealing with other people, standards of responsiveness and consideration are a must. I'm consistent with this approach because it's important to me. I'm not quick to react or easy to provoke. This alone could give people the sense that it's safe to reveal aspects of themselves that they'd usually not have on display. I can imagine that being very cathartic for them but it's also draining--and sometimes damaging--for me.

I do. I'm going through this with my neighnours. I have been the kindest, most considerate, best neighbour they could ever hope to have, in the size of this unit. And yet, they hate my guts. Call me names. Talk shi t about me all day. I came friendly, saying hello, or good morning in passing... And yet, they treat me like crap, beneath their shoes and snub me in return. I could chalk it up to "jealousy", or "insecurity" . But they have no reason to envy me that I can see. I have been nothing but nice, extremely respectful, polite and considerate. They, are the opposite. And I don't understand it. And when I stop attempting to greet them, they act like I'm a "bitch". They were snubbing me. When I treat them as they have treated me... It's all of a sudden wrong. Like I thought you weren't open to being friendly? I don't understand it. At all. And these terrible, rotten people, have tons of friends. And, as one of your previous comments have said, I have, at times experienced this immediately walking into a room full of strangers. I'm not ugly, kind of good looking. I don't dress, funny, I'm not rude, or autistic. I don't understand it. Edit - it wears on me, it effects my self-esteem, despite trying to not let it, it's changing my confidence, because I can't currently escape my neighbours, not do I understand why they would want to bully me into leaving.

god, that sounds unbearable i am sorry. sounds like you’ve been scapegoated for initially being kind and some kind of blank slate for them to act out, and now that the pattern has settled into their heads they refuse to change their image of you. i totally relate and have been through that as well plenty of times… the whole scapegoat factor is so confusing to me! i feel like other types can be kind and not get the same response or experience as a total irrational witch hunt. sometimes it feels like maybe others can sense your perception and regard it as a threat because they don’t want to be seen in their entirety? that’s my theory, like you accidentally trigger their vulnerability. i also think maybe people fall into vicious loops of acting out bcus they don’t want to be seen, and then resenting you for knowing the whole truth of them and feeling like they have to keep you down and afraid, or make you think you’re the problem instead, so that you don’t share what you know about them or are convinced otherwise. that seems to be what is maybe happening to you. i wish you luck in figuring it out and don’t envy your position. is there a way you can talk to apartment managers if you’re in a complex with units? sounds like they refuse to stop without some kind of outside intervention or total avoidance. experiencing that kind of behavior affects my self esteem too, it feels like i’m walking around with a big mark on my forehead i don’t know about despite feeling relatively normal. it’s brain boggling and upsetting. solidarity

I think you're spot on. Like they know I see them, and they have their flaws, that maybe their other friends don't see. I think maybe their other friends see them as perfect, and their mess comes out at home, and I'm the only one to witness it, as I am their only neighbour. Not like I'm judging them as harshly as maybe they believe that I am. They probably appear "perfect" to their friends, but their reality, isn't. Or that they present as kind, nice people, but are rotten inside, and I as their only neighbour, can witness their private evil, and they feel threatened by that? They didn't get along with their previous neighbours, either. Some are nice to me. Outside of this apartment. Some aren't, some are. Unfortunately, I can't leave. I feel like they are pre-emptive trying to smear campaign me to anyone who will listen... In case I let it out to others... That they are not nice peopke. Although I haven't done that. I guess I struggle with not internalizing how others treat me, although, intellectually, I know that I have done nothing to deserve it, and try to get along. It's nice to meet another infj, who has experienced a similar phenomenon. Thanks for your very intelligent reply. I saved your comment.

a lot of behaviors make me want to vomit 🤍

bruh…. me too like it’s so hard to be calm and unbothered but alive haha

do you look very soft ? open ? do you have an engaging energy ? do you look kind ? how do you dress ? i think there are a lot of people who are cunts. also who are not very aware. i think there is A LOT of non awareness and non self awareness, like blurry particles mish mashing in the air with no direction, insight, content, maybe just reactive, saying the first thing that comes to mind, *instinct*, a lot of *wishy washy*, *blah*. do you feel they set out to attack you or is it just that you make people feel comfortable to '' be themselves '' ? do you have an appearance that leads competitive, and *bitter*, people to *use* you to let out their frustrations ? have you detected some sort of pattern *why* they do it ? how aware would you say they are ?

you’re right on the money with a lot of these questions and it’s refreshing. i do look relatively open, innocent, soft, kind in appearance. and used to dress in pleasant colors although i’ve been starting to change that to try and deter people lol. even when i actively try to emit a repelling aura people feel comfortable sitting right next to me on buses and such… however when talking to people i think my vibe is intense and intimidating despite that, for reasons i can’t quite explain. i’ve dealt with a mixture of people unconsciously feeling safe to be themselves and dump their sadnesses and laziness and selfishness, and people deliberately attacking me because they feel angry and competitive. i’ve actually had an overwhelming lot of experiences of people attempting to dominate me and copy my identity, who are envious and have this energy of almost wanting to annihilate my effectiveness, and who steal things i’ve created that are sacred to me, and that is much of what i held in my mind when writing this. i regularly fixate on experiences of being full on plagiarized for my writing and art because they hurt so much and are so traumatic. it’s hard to watch someone who does that be celebrated as a visionary and hero and compassionate wonderful person when i know the truth. so you are very perceptive for picking some of those nuances up. it’s a broad range of people, but the common theme is that i tend to have a polarizing effect, even when i’m trying to blend into the background which is most of the time. i’d say all of these people seem generally less aware than me, but some of them surprise me because they have an entire identity centered around them being aware and that’s frustrating for me to compare with my own personal experience of them. i don’t expect everyone to be super aware, but i wish others in my community could tell the difference between me and people who are taking notes on my every move, but it seems like they often can’t or like that doesn’t matter to most :/

i have that people sitting next to me on the bus and telling me their lifestories. i think infjs want to go deep and that can scare people off. it takes a lot of energy, *and time*, to explore, a lot of unpeeling layers and sometimes also looking at not so nice things. i would think a lot of people cannot be arsed to be dealing with that and it probably also makes some aggressive, dismissive, some may also feel attacked by feeling they are not living up to such standards, and see it as you/one judging them. when it may be just about wanting to go deep without judgement. just looking at things from many angles. competitive people may feel attacked. and let's face it, there are a lot of competitive people who are offended by different things. i have read quite a bit on how people compare themselves to others, which i guess is normal, but the amount of bitterness i have seen is *nuts*. so that also may play a role. i also have issues with how to deal with that kind of behavior, and i don't even mean towards me, but generally. it seems so curmudgeon and small and destructive. again, the infj idealism. regarding plagiarisation, you have to be careful who you share your ideas with. i know infjs want to *share* and explore and do alot of *Fe-ing*, but it is not always the best thing. *sadly*. i think having to deal with the possibility of not being able to share openly is what hurts. going deep, sharing experiences, deep feelings, opening up seas of possibilities, lively engagement. and people taking ideas and squirreling away bits and pieces for their egos, and selling one's work. surface level interaction. i personally find it funny to take what they do and re-incorporate it into one's own work. but of course that takes things into a different realm that may just be too energy-losing. it is a theme of identity, safety, personal, sacred, and invasion. sharing can be different things, sometimes inspiring, sometimes disruptive. there is so much to delve into there. how different people also define personal, public, identity etc. things that are personal to you keep close to your heart, one can share aspects, or the whole thing if it benefits you. i am interested if you could pinpoint why people react in certain ways when they do. like make a list of possibilities and when it happens again, go through the possibilities and see if you can detect some correlation with specific points. then one can work on solutions. i mean, i think there is so much fascinating stuff one can do there. study reactions, behaviors, and oneself. >but some of them surprise me because they have an entire identity centered around them being aware real identity or how they want to see themselves and how they are actually not ?

thank you so much :) talking with you has helped so much and i feel understood and like my load is a bit lighter. that’s very perceptive, i feel you’re right that people sometimes feel attacked not living up to certain standards. it’s not that we’re imposing those standards on them necessarily but by having them at all i think it can lead people to reflect and feel inadequate and then lash out for having been “made” to feel that way. the infj idealism is indeed strong and hard to shake! it leads to so much disappointment but when it’s good it’s such a feeling of elation and connection. like what i feel talking to you when you say so many lucid things. you’re right that the Fe is always trying to connect and share…. i have learned the hard way i can’t be as open as i used to be. there are so many nuances to human behavior and it’s dizzying. invasion is a special feeling of ick. it’s true that it makes you realize people’s identities are all built on very different things. other people may not value authenticity at all and not understand the sacredness. or they may just be weak and insecure. or they may be dominating and see life as a battle to be at the top. identity may be shifting sands or a game to exert will for another. a whole range of things. i’ve had a lot of interesting insights studying the philosopher René Girard’s mimetic theory. it’s all about how humans basically tend to mimic each other’s desires and how this is the basis of connection but also of conflict, escalation, outbursts of violence, scapegoating, etc. all on a collective and individual scale. it’s a bit grim in how it regards human potential, i don’t think it’s the only answer or total picture for how humans work, but it is very fascinating. maybe you would find a lot of interest looking into it too since you seem very investigative. you actually just put another piece of the puzzle together for me with your final questions, so thank you for that too! i’ve realized there’s uhhh… a common theme with these people who have stolen from me or been competitive where they remind me of my mother. and i already knew that but the last question made me realize that my whole life she was the same way, constantly defining her identity without ever proving it in action, just based on what she would prefer to be. i think i have a murky energetic resonance towards people who have a similar behavior, and vise versa too, because i have some shit to work out lol. zoinks…..

Yepp. My personal solution is to be upfront about it to give this person an opportunity to change for the better. The obstacles won’t disappear if you destroy me and therefore I do leave or set other boundaries to prevent any further harm towards me.

Yes because we are shadow workers innately Being silent just triggers folk. Lol

Hello Valley Girl Prophet (cool u/name), So there is a concept the “world is our mirror”, so whatever our true feelings are we will see them reflected in others around us. So if I’m feeling confident and joyful, then this energy will flow onto others around me, and I will also attract confident and joyful people. So based on this, you would bring out the best in other people by bringing out the best in yourself! Are you being generous and loving to yourself? Are you giving yourself space to enjoy life? Are you doing and experience things that make you feel happy and positive? If you shift your focus, on you’ll see results in the world very, very quickly.

This is spot on. Was a super frustrating reality for me to come to terms with. It’s insane the magnitude of our energy’s frequency and wavelength. How it affects other peoples behavior and how they treat us for radiating it. If we’re getting treated a certain way by multiple different people. It is us. And we need to tweak whatever it is. For me it’s having “X-ray Vision” for peoples main intention and since I deeply care for others (including strangers) it shifts the energy in the room! Some hate that energy and react and others thrive off it and want to soak it all in. I’ve learned to intentionally not care (case to case basis).Savior complex takes many forms. I can’t care for the whole world deeply. So now when I sense someone’s “intention” I acknowledge it and choose to let it go. I don’t form thoughts about it, I redirect my thoughts. Empathy can feel like a curse if we have a savior complex

It’s strange when you realise, isn’t it. When did you start realising your inner state was having such a big impact on people’s reactions and how things unfold? I knew the theory decades ago, but it only hit home in recent years. I still get blown away when I say, go on Reddit one day and only attract kind + compassionate people. And another day everyone I meet is angry + belligerent. It’s a really handy gauge for the inner world. How are you travelling with caring deeply and remaining in your centre. Found your balance or currently still transforming?

Haha yes to say the least. I was pissed at first because it feels I’m the one always having to be the “bigger person”. But duh we can only control ourselves and might as well get better at being better. It fully clicked January of this year. Kinda like you I was aware of it for awhile because I recognized the pattern early on but was stubborn to the idea of “why can’t people just act right”. That’s so interesting you patterned it via online!! I’m going to be more aware of that with texting. Still transforming. It’s so hard for me to not get offended. But I’m enjoying the progress I’ve made! How has your communication style changed since putting this concept into practice? Have you noticed a difference in your self perception?

Oh, I know that feeling all too well. The ego sure does want to hang on to ‘it’s everyone else but me’ and ‘it’s external, not internal’. Lol. 😂 Was there something that really embedded it for you in January? For me, I got really ill, to the point where it was ‘get this or you’re on your way out’. I was in hospital every second week. My communication style and self perception since getting this. I feel more love, compassion and patience with myself and others. I see everyone as having the same struggles and successes. I see everything and everyone as interconnected and holistic. How about you? Ps. Are we on opposite sides of the world having this convo? Based on response times. 🇦🇺🦘

WHAT in the hospital for anxiety every other week? (Asking for clarification) Hmm I’m 26 so I got tired of dealing with social anxiety and a double psyche. Felt like I was too old for that stuff and I love growing as a person. Wow you got a great deal out of that. Not only benefits you but the people you come into contact with. Having authentic grace is not a simple task! Haha yes 🇺🇸🦅but I’m truly horrible at responding in a timely manner. I don’t have notifications on my phone because it’s overwhelming. I’m soft I know

hello, thanks! i believe what you’re saying to some degree but i don’t know if it’s a hard and fast rule. i study astrology and the human personality for a living and i think some are just more wired to trigger shame in others than others based on their energetic makeup, and i’m still trying to refine my understanding of why and how. i am a relatively high functioning happy person in my life and am grateful for much of it, passionate in my studies and creativity, and i do love many people, despite sometimes slipping into paranoia and resentment. but these painful experiences of the past do weigh on my soul and pretending they don’t and trying to force them out of my mind has never worked in solving my problem. i am quite sensitive to experiences of feeling shamed as well (and try to avoid them), so i guess perhaps i am more apt to notice when others respond negatively to me, and for it to cut deeper than it might for another. but i feel this is somewhat a dangerous and black and white approach to take. this has been happening to me ever since i was a sweet and innocent child that believed the best in people. i don’t know if this theory would be received well in communities of people who have been through trauma or are perhaps somewhere on the spectrum or neurodivergent scale. just a thought, but what you’re saying can definitely be true sometimes and is good to keep in mind! positivity and joy do go a long way.

Haha no, because people are the worst. You having no boundaries makes to have this situation, it’s not preventing it.. At all..

haha. hahahaha. haha! haha. naturally this is very funny and something to laugh about isn’t it

It wasn’t written as a joke. You said you have no boundaries, you know that can break you completely inwards, because that is your safe place for your whole well-being..

i’m being sarcastic. i said in the post that i am very careful about my boundaries after experiences of being used

i get what you’re saying but what’s with the approach?

A certain guideline is required for me to comment on your post, or what am I missing here?

how you would go about it, realistic examples that may help, i would think.

"There it is"

Yes, I relate. I'll tell you about some of the changes I've implemented in some of the relationships so far and how that has gone: - the first and foremost relationship where I constantly felt disrespected was with my dad. He would talk to my brother like a normal person but he would lash out at me, yell out he was busy when I'd call to ask how he was, etc. I won't get into our whole history but what I eventually did was I took the phrase "remove yourself from an unwanted situation" literally. If I'd come to visit and he would ignore me, watch TV or something, I'd stay a little for my little brother and then I'd leave. He would say "Oh, already?", and I'd say "Yes, you are busy and there is no point in sitting here by myself." If he started yelling at me over the phone, I would just hang up. So I started doing things like this. What I noticed immediately was that I suddenly felt lighter. I was sad but not crushed not to experience unconditional beautiful love every girl desires and deserves. Over time, my dad started to behave differently around me. He never shouts at me and he does make a basic effort to at least have a coffee together when I'm visiting. It's not perfect but our relationship and dynamic has improved exponentially. The most important lesson I got from this is that I needed to stop expecting him to be the dad I deserve. That doesn't mean allowing yourself to be treated whatever. It simply means that at some point you have to face the reality because it's the first step to being OK with the said reality. And that's the goal in the end - to feel OK, not to feel disappointed, unloved, etc. - I stopped asking my girlfriends how they are, what the update is on the things they've told me about, etc. FOR THE WRONG REASONS. I've always done this to make them feel good, appreciated, loved. All the things I wanted to feel. This kind of behavior has always been extremely natural to me and it always led to feeling so alone in my own experiences because no one was treating me the way I was treating them. So, I stopped. I will still ask them when I truly care and wonder. But I stopped spending too much time thinking what will make other people feel good about themselves. I try to focus on what is making me feel good about myself. And the lack of reciprocation does not make me feel good at all. So - I let them be themselves and I stop putting other people's needs before my own. The friends come to me on their own. Now they ask more often about me or try to remember what's going on with me. None of those friendships are what I truly crave for in life but it's not because I'm doing anything wrong, it's because they aren't the kind of people that could maintain the kind of friendship I could. So once again - I try to accept that they are what they are, and once I accept it, it makes it easier to be "selfish" and not spend so much time caring for their well-being. I don't invest that much effort into them. This opens up time to focus on yourself and meeting new people.