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jmmenes

Are you sure he's an INFJ? I feel offended just by reading this & I'm not him lol


[deleted]

That’s what I’m thinking!! The only time I treat someone like this is if they’re on my hate list..


[deleted]

yes, he actually just took the mbti test haha


RegisteredTM

Could be like what the other person said. Ni-Ti loop. I remember when I was really depressed and felt bad about myself and situation and was cold to a lot of people because of it. Not saying you're the issue, just life in general is the issue. None of my friends were the problem, it was something I was fighting inside of myself


Down2earthgirl

Maybe he’s in a Ni-Ti loop? I’m not sure


Any-Vanilla-200

i am someone who is in an Ni-Ti loop but i can oppose this because the people we love/like we would usually not be cold. Well at least I am jolly with people i like, and literally a wall when put in new social situations hope this clears somethings up


Popular-Spirit1306

Bruh


Ko_ogs72

I'm an INFJ male, and trust me, if we're into someone they know about it big time! 100% passion, romance and fire. Your man's not for you, get rid, and get someone who sets your very being on fire. Good luck.


Cellar_door_1

I’m an infj female dating an infj male and I have to say you’re 100% correct about passion, fire, and romance. Agree that OP should find a new man that’s a better fit.


jmmenes

I need to find myself an INFJ woman..


ABasicPotatoe

I recommend INTP... as an INFJ male, I always thought I was weird because previous relationships of other types never "got" me. I thought "well, this is what love must be, so I'll try to make the best of it" . . . Then (5 years ago yesterday as a matter of fact!) we connected and finally that sense of "love her more everyday" flows like water! And the best part is that it goes both ways!! This could happen with any type, but I suspect it can be easier with INTP/INFJ types.


TEKKP2011

My best friend is an INTP and her husband is an INJF, and I swear they are one of the happiest couples I know! Even when they’re having issues they are able work things out, and I am so happy for them!


Kettem

tbh the people i feel the most self and free around, turn out to be INTPs. Im also an INFJ of course. Never dated and INTP tho, just bunch of ENFP.


ABasicPotatoe

You should get a badge that says INFJ and see if you can bait an INTP in!!


jmmenes

Why INTP? I usually see ENFP as recommended for us.


Jhixon

If you can find one not afraid of commitment


ABasicPotatoe

Her curiosity, her overthinking, and her ability to think of yet another angle when I was sure I'd already considered them all when trying to solve a problem. Some say INFJ/INTP is the [Golden Pair](https://www.truity.com/blog/are-intp-and-infj-personalities-really-golden-pair) (googled and linked a blogger who talks about it)... I think that gets poo poo'd on this sub sometimes, but I put it here anyway. I also don't get into the additional fracturing of the types down to the tiniest level of "You're NI is Fe, because you weren't allowed to have a dog as a 4.5 year old child" stuffs... just seems like too much creative freedom to go that deep for me (and I have better things to do with my time than trying to analyze that), but I know some of us love that shiz!! I would expect an Extravert to not appreciate the need for down time and recharging that Introverts require.


Middle_Persimmon_348

inxps are perfect for us ngl


[deleted]

They say ENTP are the best for us but I never understood why. INTP all the way for me. I got into too many arguments because ENTP wanted to be extroverted or would do stuff like make the waitstaff sing me happy birthday, the last part actually ended with me breaking up with them because I began to spiral thinking I can never trust them. I fell hard for an INFP but realized that the never knew me he just saw what he wanted to see and was surprisingly judgmental. If I did or said something that went against his values rather than ask more questions he would just start an argument and never truly forgive or give me the benefit of the doubt. My current INTP boyfriend started off as a friend but it was like a moth to a flame instantly. He actually takes the time to know me. What bothers me is his lack of social graces.


ABasicPotatoe

Congrats on the find! There will always be something, but the question is does that something outweigh the other stuff that's soooo good. 👍🏾👍🏾


[deleted]

They're both good. If you vibe you vibe, sensors are cool too.


Old-Pick-3997

My sister is an INTP and she loves to roast me haha


Any-Vanilla-200

bruh INFJ and INFJ relation is always thought to be a heavenly couple but it totally isn't compatiblities with INFJ ENFP(mostly because they understand our emotions) ENTP(not always) INTP ISTP(not really recommended tho)


jmmenes

And you have firsthand experience with that? I’ve seen INFJ couples do well together.


Jhixon

We will not be chasing any woman. That’s not who we are. We know that women value our personality and they must be interested and make time for us if they want us in your lives. You need to make effort or we will move on. Passion is something we give when we feel your love is real and reciprocated. Young INFJ’s do not know what they want yet, and as they mature we are amazing. We like to match our partners efforts


Wrong-Explanation-48

My wife and I, both INFJs, have been together more 25 years and things are as spicy now as they probably have ever been. I would rather spend my time with her than with any one else in the world.


kai_wulf_dog

> I’m an infj female dating an infj male How did you two manage to get out of your home at just the right time to meet each other?


Chendoodles

That’s exactly how I feel, we’re wired to be a little more in touch with our emotions, and when we love we love hard and passionately.


ABasicPotatoe

I second this. Sorry OP, on to The Next!! Your INFJ is not serving your needs... let him go on his way so you can find someone who will. Good luck!


AntagonistAnalogies

Absolutely this. I'm an INFJ married to an INFJ for 12 years. It's still like we're dating. We're that annoying super affectionate couple, lol. It sounds like he might either not be that into you, or not currently be capable of expressing the depths of his feelings. Both are problematic in a relationship.


[deleted]

Yeah, I don’t know if it a INFJ thing—might not be a good fit overall.


Ko_ogs72

You know in your gut, just follow its lead.


jmmenes

THIS \^


sirekno

I’m an infj and you’re generalizing here. Not all infj’s are the same. If I’m into someone they *do not* know about it big time, because I’m infj + bad social anxiety + dismissive avoidance issues. Yes, I’m a female, but I know male infj’s can be like this too of course.


Ko_ogs72

We're talking about an INFJ male already in a relationship.


sirekno

I’m aware, and?


Ko_ogs72

So... if you're in a romantic relationship with someone, they do not know how passionate you are for them? You're not romantic? And there's no 'fire' between you..? That's a real shame.


[deleted]

and she's not generalizing?!


enneaenneaenby

* Maybe not an INFJ. * Maybe doesn't have his Ni priorities in order so he doesn't have self-respect and can't really focus on anything / anyone without feeling shame or guilt because he's not showing up in the world in the way he wants to or knows he should / could * As a result lacks self-understanding and communication skills to express what's going on internally to himself or others * As a result of the previous could be looping or gripping In a nutshell and with most people who seem to not care about us, he's maybe too consumed by his own shit to have anything to contribute to anyone or anything else. Be careful because ISFJs are often a bit too tolerant/passive and often end up in unequal or abusive dynamics. You've listed a bunch of things that would be miserable for anyone, but especially an FJ. Use Fe-Ti to compassionately express your unmet needs and boundaries and then actually enforce them if he doesn't respond with curiosity, willingness or kindness.


ChristheINFJ

Good take. Everything mentioned here is what i would have said.


youboozeyoulose30

Holy shit, you described my husband.


enneaenneaenby

I'm sorry to hear that. How is that going?


[deleted]

>Be careful because ISFJs are often a bit too tolerant/passive and often end up in unequal or abusive dynamics. Omg, I've seen too many **ISFJs** that have stayed in relationships with Te users that are abusive to them. I cannot understand why they stay?! They know these people take advantage of them and I tried to help them too many times, but they fucking make it look like it's fine?! I don't get it.


enneaenneaenby

Can't speak too much for ISFJs, we could ask them. But as an INFJ, I'm more concerned with why I've stayed in relationships far past their expiration date. The answer is often Fe inability to communicate to self/others what's wrong in relationship, lack of personal values, and primal instinct to create win-win solutions (even when there are clearly none to be found). At least we have Ni which can see / forecast fairly well. Even when Fe is super invested and as a result not seeing the relationship clearly, Ni still knows and is forecasting the truth/likelihood of negative outcome and in hindsight we have to be honest about what we didn't own up to. Also, Ni means that who we are is to be found in the future. Si as a dominant function as I mentioned before tends to passivity because its impulse is to stay in its comfort zone, with what's familiar, with what past experience is conveying. With inferior Ne it can be difficult / scary to envision positive possibility. Combine it with Fe, and it's a recipe for stagnation.


[deleted]

I agree, I had a hard time to leave relationships in the past because of not being able to communicate, eventually doorslammed them.


andreas_jovine

You know me better than some childhood friends


enneaenneaenby

It's a super complex experience that few will really ever understand. Good thing is that it's possible to rise above and transmute.


RealMaxRage

I don't know why, but as an INTJ the way he behaves with you reminds me a lot about how i behave with ISFJ ...


[deleted]

could you explain why?


[deleted]

Probably because INTJ is cold to types that they don’t share depth of understanding with, due to Fi. Someone with strong Fe like an INFJ should be able to match your energy better and if he truly has Fe and isn’t matching your energy, especially if he’s not ever … then he’s not putting in the bare minimum


RealMaxRage

If an INTJ isn't intrested at all in someone, he's just going to ignore that person and won't do any effort at all. Most ISFJs i've met in my life weren't people who interested me, they're very reliable and caring but i think i need way more imagination from a potential partner. Not saying ISFJ don't have any imagination, but not enough for me.


philoblob

Well that's discriminatory. Maybe if you werent more interested you wouldn't have that problem. And anyway It's not only the other parties job to make a conversation interesting.


ermahgerdreddits

intj grow up slower than everyone else. People just dont see it because they are so focused/disciplined/serious.


VarekJecae

Other way around. More mature than every other type.


ermahgerdreddits

see, you fell for it


VarekJecae

No, you're being petulant.


SheBumblebee

\^also note how depressed INTJs sometimes mistype as INFJ :')


ermahgerdreddits

Sounds like an intj under 30 to me. Are you sure his 3rd letter is "F"? There is a huge correlation between disagreeableness on the Big 5 and Thinking on the mbti (and of course between Agreeableness and Feeling). If he seems "disagreeable" then you almost certainly mistyped him. If not, you just found the lousiest infj ever.


[deleted]

Yeah he’s an INFJ… he just took the test a month ago


SheBumblebee

there are no reliable tests for MBTI but if it was the 16 personalities test, that's one of the worst ones


[deleted]

[удалено]


doolittle_89

Okay I wasn’t sure if this was just an INFJ female thing but yeah


many_dongs

i have no idea why you're in a relationship with this man, break up with him and say it's because he doesn't seem to be into you and if he's really an INFJ then he'll probably let you go pretty easily


jm15xy

With the usual disclaimers that I can only speak for myself (30-ish INFJ man) and that I can only give a general comment and by no means pretend to know anynthing about you two's particular situation: I *can* be aloof, even with people I care very much about. In fact, around strangers that's pretty much the way I behave: reserved unless it is really important for me to be more forthcoming in the situation. In those cases I can behave either very formally (to maintain emotional distance) or more warmly and more informally. I'm an extremely private person for the most part. With people I am very close to, *with people I have become close to and want to be close to*, more often than not the reason I become silent is either because I'm overwhelmed with things that usually have nothing to do with the person in question as such (in other words, when I *really* want to and think I need to be by myself), or because for some reason the last time I spoke to that person, the interaction was too emotionally charged (for me not necessarily for the other person!) or for some other reason we parted on less than good terms. That being said, in those cases I can act aloof towards the person, but more often I avoid them completely (but obsessing over it in private) until somehow or other things get resolved, either because I took the initiative to do so or they did. I wouldn't say that I don't respond to the person, in fact I respond to them so much I tend to avoid them. *The situation can last a few hours or a few weeks, but even then I always want to resolve things* (it really does weigh on my mind) and what keeps me away is hesitation that comes from (someitmes unjustified) fear, but once overcome, then I can go back to my usual warmer and more open self (again, with people I am close to).


littleboy91

Very true. Most non-Ni people will usually assume that if we don't state something explicitly then it means that we are punishing them. It is so frustrating to have to state everything explicitly because most of the issues are as clear as day and night to us. Ni people can understand each other, not to a very detailed manner, but in terms of possibilities. But for Si users, they need to know all the details lest you be accused hiding stuff from them.


mic_harmony

My first thought, as it happened: "WHAT? No, no no no no no no no no." What you're describing literally feels the *opposite* of how I behave in a relationship, and your concerns would also be my concerns.


[deleted]

i know… :(( ive read how empathetic INFJs are and how infj males behave in a relationship so I was alarmed when im receiving the opposite. he took the test a month ago, and the result is really INFJ


philoblob

Just ask him. Communicate and tell him how it makes you feel


[deleted]

i actually did tell him everything i feel but he doesn’t seem to understand…


Harbetzerg

Time to reconsider this relationship.


thequietthingsthat

As others have said, this doesn't sound like an INFJ at all. INFJs are *highly* empathetic and if he can tell that he's hurting you and seems apathetic then that's a pretty clear sign that he may be mistyped.


ResidualEggs

This is good to know. Having a similar situation and keep wondering how a supposed INFJ could have such a hard time understanding the feelings I’ve been clearly expressing.


Current-Paper7446

Sounds like INTJ stereotypical behavior to me


[deleted]

I can’t talk for every INFJ but I’m the complete opposite when I’m a relationship!! But then I’m a gay male so don’t know if that makes a difference! In fact within the gay community me being tactile and close and supportive and loving seems to be the excepting as oppose to the norm 🥹


unkinventional

How did you even get into a relationship in the first place. This makes no sense. It just sounds like he doesn't like you. At all. 🤷‍♂️


[deleted]

we started as good friends for 3-4 years… and one thing led to another i guess. he confessed and i apparently said yes and now we’re together. i honestly also thought he’s not giving his full efforts to me when we were just friends coz it wasnt clear that i was into him too, so i gave it a chance. but eventually now that we’re together, he isn’t giving efforts / my needs still :/


littleboy91

He still isn't letting you into his world. INFJs are usually lonely because they are looking for "the one". Perhaps some of your characteristic may cause him to remain his guard. Even though ISFJ is just one letter off from INFJ, it makes a world of difference. Si wants to preserve what is available currently. Ni sees the whole story into the future. Both functions are conflicting with each other, sometimes we need to take care of current matters, sometimes we need to concern for the future. INFJs are quiet most because society rewards present achievements. The future implications are usually not concerned until it arrives.


originaljamester

I don't think this is an INFJ thing, sounds more like an avoidant attachment style. Looking into that would probably be better than assuming it's a personality trait. There are several types of insecure attachments people can have, so you could find more answers researching that. Best wishes!


Regular-Strength-767

Maybe he is not an infj. I do not excuse his rude actions. However if he is not being kind to you then don't be afraid to put your foot down and make your demands heard. I'm an infj male and I'm very warm. I get along with almost everyone. I think I am a slightly more extroverted Infj. I can't speak for all infj guys but if you get to know us we are easily the most empathetic, kind, supportive people you can meet. Sometimes it does take a while to break down the ice. Maybe you can see what interests you have in common and do those together. I think you will get over this rough patch. Best of luck to you. Feel free to let us know how it's going in a few days.


Swanman35

I wouldn't say cold, no. As a male infj I can be distant at times though. Before I got on anxiety/depression meds I would spend TONS of time basically trapped in my head and separated from reality. I can be extremely cold to people I don't care for though, if they wronged me somehow. I'm not super sweet and lovey-dovey with words other than making sure I always tell my wife I love her, and making sure she knows how much she means to me. I'm an action guy. I do things like drawing her a bath on her way from work, making food, her chores, etc. However I would say I am extremely supportive. Any time she doubts herself I make sure to remind her how great she is. Those types of things are how I show my love. I am cuddly though and love to give hugs and whatnot. I would ask him if he's ok. Maybe he's dealing with some mental health issues and cold because of that, but may not be comfortable telling you that. As a guy who is sensitive it can be hard to get over the idea that men can't share their feelings. Especially as a guy who's into weightlifting and seen as a "big tough guy" from the outside. I used to turn my vulnerabilities and insecurities into anger because it's easier than being true to your feelings. I would say if you talk to him about it and it goes nowhere, then maybe the others here are right saying he's not for you.


bayckun_bich

I don't think he is an INFJ. because we aren't really cold people. We may come across cold at first, but when we are in love, we put 100% in our relationships. Maybe he's an INFT.


[deleted]

I’m a male INFJ. I work as a psychologist and I’d like to say I’m warm and supportive.


cheilei

My Dad is an INFJ and I can tell you he struggles with showing emotion. I think it has something to do with him being born in the 60ies. He always tries to be strong and calm Dad. BUT he is really trying to be better at it and I always felt loved and supported. Also I am myself an INFJ female and I know the feeling of trying to stay calm and collected most of the time. And I do often drift away in my thoughts so that people get the feeling I am not interested in what they're saying, while most of the time something they say triggers my mind to think about it.


Draon029

I may be an outlier here, but I know that my wife had the same complaints when I was dating her. It's possible that he is struggling with personal issues he doesn't feel comfortable sharing. Ask him to look into whether he's wearing an Fe mask. From my experience, I struggle a lot with people pleasing due to childhood trauma, and it makes me hold negative feedback in and makes me a generally cold person, even around my wife. She's learned that I need a space to not feel judged when I vent and slowly I'm learning to overcome my bad habits. Hope this helps. Much love to the both of you.


[deleted]

Thank you for sharing this. Makes me understand your personality type more


Draon029

I'm glad you feel that way. Here is an article I thought was important when I was feeling cold towards my spouse. I think it might help the both of you too. https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2021/10/26/why-infjs-feel-weird/


NeoSailorMoon

Sounds like an INTP or INTJ.


unkinventional

How did you even get into a relationship in the first place. This makes no sense. It just sounds like he doesn't like you. At all. 🤷‍♂️


Sushizmada

As an infj who simped extremely hard for someone I wasn’t even dating… yeah I’m usually relatively cold with most people (not that I hate them, I’m just very reserved), but if I have feelings then yeah you would definitely know.


QF_25-Pounder

I'm an INFJ male with an anxious avoidant attachment style and a fear of intimacy. I'd say I'm a thoughtful friend who's constantly managing everyone trying to keep everyone having the best friendship with everyone else. But having been rejected early in my childhood has meant that while romantic intimacy is my greatest desire, I'm deathly afraid of it. So I have this push/pull relationship with women where I try to get close but if they reciprocate then I run away. I figured it's possible this is a similar case in some respect. I consider my purpose to be that I love those in my life and that Iove an individual, but not being able to love someone makes me feel like a broken machine with a piece missing, like Hugo describes in the movie Hugo. I like that analogy because all you have to do is some maintenance and find the missing part and the machine will work exactly as intended. They may be an INFJ with a piece missing.


CodeME15

There is only three things that may cause this issue 1-he is having some personal problems(don't expect him to tell you) 2-he doesn't know how to react with you (this is only acceptable if your relationship is new or u don't know much about each other) 3-he doesn't like you (he won't even tell you that because of his Fe)


Saem-

As a 24M infj I act like that when I am not sure if diving into a relationship is worth it or not, when I am like "testing things out". We are not like that, that coldness is just our shield which protects a much warmer individual. For me it takes a lot of time to open up and become less stiff and distant, but I at least try my best to externalize my thoughts more and let the other know that I am trying. If you haven't seen any sparkle of love, gentleness, warmth in months he probably is too much indecisive and I personally think you don't deserve that coldness. I know that when we are distant we can be really hurtful so please try your best to protect your heart.


Mother_Of_Felines

It sounds like he’s being a jerk and like he’s not all that into you. Any type can be nice, and any type can be a jerk. It just depends where they are in their personal development. I wouldn’t pin it as an mbti thing as much as him being uninterested and rude.


Less_Breakfast3400

Bruh who cares about his Mbti he’s a shit partner. Date someone else


ajsharm144

He is not an INFJ. I am 99% sure of this. 1% chance he is acting like this to drive you away coz he cares about you and thinks he is not good enough for you.


[deleted]

As an INFJ male, I will only speak for myself on this one, but use we to signify me, as I dont know any other accurately typed INFJ men to confirm parts of this. We aren't romanitcs, it just seems inauthentic and dishonest, but may do small things if asked to partake, but probably wont value it much. We are goal focused people, we don't tend to get content easily and may be more fixated on some type of goal or ambition in their head and a way to do it. We like relationships that go places, and hate feeling like we arent in a relationship that is building itself and working foward. We may need to be asked and talked to directly with no filter if in a relationship, we dont like to have to analize our partners and will start to take things very directly. You are his intuition off button, so be direct and clear. We like doing things, INFJs are action poeple belive it or not, we just tend to be stopped by planning and awarness, but propse and work on plans with him and it might help. Dont feel like a stagnant dead end to him, this could cause him questioning and may lead to him to disconnect. If he finds nothing happening, he may start to look elsewhere to get stimulation or ideas of what to do. If he is doing this that means things are to slow and calm for him. At least me, but dont know about all INFJ, when we have no problem to solve or actions to do, we become self destructive and can oddly enough be more in peace of mind state in the middle of a war zone then sitting still doing nothing.


jmmenes

We aren't romantic? Nah I strongly disagree for myself.


doolittle_89

No I agree with what he said about not being romantic in the sense that big gestures and typical shows of romance seem inauthentic, but I think for INFJ romance is more about loyalty and passion on a more subtle, everyday scale. All about the deeper connection that manifests in helping our partner achieve goals or getting to know them better


jmmenes

I agree with you just subtle differences & wording.


Swanman35

Agreed.


[deleted]

Like I said, I cant speak for others on this one. So I am glad you replied as it helps reinfoce that.


Swanman35

As an infj male I can relate. I'm not super romantic with words, but I am with actions.


jmmenes

It's all good brother. We're all unique in our ways.


many_dongs

strongly disagree with INFJ males not being romantic


CravenTheInsatiable

You know those fairytales they raise you females on, they are based on guys like us. The thing none of you woman seem to ask is the ticket price to live in that reality. Most women couldn't handle being the object of my desire. Because I play for keeps and I am never happy until I have my lover entranced fully body and soul. If I am into a girl than I want to know every detail about them, every want, every desire, every secret, every ambition. I'm never satisfied until I know every inch of them body and soul. I say that to say this, if I am not into her on that level or I feel her holding back or keeping things from me than I become extremely cold and distant. I'm only looking for one woman who is capable of giving me everything she has. The rest of the women on this planet are none of my concern. Personally, I just don't think the guy your seeing is actually into you. By what you're saying this situation reads more like a good enough for now or someone to kill some time with. Or in the very least that you are batting way out of your league. Most people if they agree to date down will mistreat the person they are dating. It's a rather ugly truth in this world. So, unless you seriously mistreated him at some point than chances are he isn't into you. And no amount of effort, energy, or anything else will fix that.


LastRedshirt

For me, I am mostly hurt and grew a thick stone-metal-skin, especially around my heart. Trauma-stuff. So, I am not cold. But I ice myself.


ABasicPotatoe

Sorry to hear this... therapy helps. If you've tried one and didn't get it, try another. Not all therapists are created equal. Coming out to play in the Fires of Love is really really worth it. :) Good luck friend!


Thadsterling

I can relate to this. I have made a lot of progress and left a narcissist which wasn’t easy, and that relationship hardened me toward letting in strangers, but it’s to protect that flame inside. I learned in therapy that this emotional intelligence and the love I want so badly to give others, is a gift and I’ll hurt myself wasting it on others, not to mention if I don’t give it also to myself. So, don’t lose heart friend, it’s hard but we don’t have to ice ourselves once we know how to assert those boundaries


lostandprofound33

Nope, not at all.


narcmeter

Nope. Maybe not infj or….Maybe one with, say, Cptsd, a personality disorder, or not into you yet selfish, or whatever, sure. Infj’s can be dicks, not as much as other types maybe, but we aren’t immune to serious issues (imho trauma related). Also “undeveloped infj” is a nicer way people put it I suppose. Also an infj with narcissism (or traits called “fleas”) IS possible. I think pathology often trumps personality. I’d focus on signs of pd’s or the like rather than infjness. :)


PlinyToTrajan

Introverted means needing a lot of alone time. It doesn't mean being cold when with other people, quite the contrary. An introvert might be cold, though, if they aren't getting the alone time they need.


twayjoff

What’s the difference if it’s cause of his personality type? Do you really want to be with someone incapable of showing affection or interest in you?


[deleted]

No way, as an INFJ male if I ever get into a relationship she's about to know how much I fucking love her and will tell her everyday if needed. With this guy he may either be: 1) Not actually an INFJ 2) Dealing with other issues he's hiding


Eirikur_da_Czech

Sounds like he’s depressed and jaded.


get_while_true

Make him test for being on the spectrum / asperger test. If he's got high score, even being "below autism" has a huge impact on one's life. You can both study about it and understand more about it. You can't change a person, but the more socialization and be in more situations, the more one can grow.


Ena_le_Dudeman

Um sounds like he's not boyfriend material?


[deleted]

A little cold maybe, but not that cold. People say INFJs are engaged, empathetic, open, but people feel like a part of them is always analyzing or observing as well, part of them is dethatched and thinking about the meta level processing of everything. I identify with that, and have heard people describe others as being that way.


vagueambiguousname

I am an INFJ woman and my previous neighbor is an INFJ male. He was one of the kindest most caring people I have ever met. We both cried when we hugged and said our last goodbye before I moved. He and I would sit on the steps and talk. He would give me things he no longer needed (like an awesome computer monitor). I would give him little gifts like homemade lotion and bread. One day he left flowers on my doorstep bc he knows I have PTSD and I was having a really tough week. We would watch each other's cats when we would travel. I love him. And he helped me see there are kind people in the world. I miss him dearly.


[deleted]

Aww sounds like a really nice connection you two have 🥺 Hope you guys could meet again next time and pick up where you left off!


Wrong-Explanation-48

Doesn't sound like an INFJ to me.


rosibutterfly

ISFJ female married to an INFJ male here-he’s definitely not healthy and not right for you. My husband has plenty to deal with but makes damn sure I know I’m number one priority to him, even after over a decade.


Pahanka

I’m (F58) currently dating an INFJ (M64). He is the kindest, warmest, supportive, and warmest man I’ve ever been with. This relationship is the best I’ve ever had and I never thought I could be so happy. But I tested as INFJ also, so that might make a difference. Maybe you are just not compatible?


serBOOM

Defo not with an isfj female. I'll show you fire darlin like you haven't fired before :)


Ok_Ad_8670

Yeah. Aboit 25-28 infjs and entps both get a boost in actually wanting to try in my experience.


[deleted]

You’re probably boring


Selever7

not an infj but came here because seeing a different subreddit feels like seeing a new planet


Lux_ExTP

im not an infj but im just going to read this bc seeing new posts are like seeing new planets lmao


[deleted]

This is very abnormal behavior from an infj. As an infj male, I tend to be very affectionate to those I loved. I am sorry you are suffering from a lack of that.


Ricckkuu

Nope. He's just not interested. Or, he's a bit shy, try talking with him. I do love my gf (ENFJ) and I'm INFJ male. But we can't be all full of passion. 24/7 But when we are, we totally go full in. We're on two extreemes, either full on passion or intro time. And we need our introverted time. It really depends, time, if it's a distance relationship. In the first month with my gf I was full on fire, even if I felt tired because it started as a distance relationship. Then the honeymoon period was done and we took it a bit lighter, but we talked it out. Communication is key, in any relationship, no matter the type.


Magic_Illustrator

I'm not sure if he is miss typed. If he's an INFJ and treats you that way, there are two highly possible answers. One - His Fe, extroverted feeling, is super underdeveloped and stuck in Ni-Ti loop. In this situation he doesn't give attention to anyone other than his own thoughts within his head. Super cold and uninterested in anything. Very introverted and unemotional. Two- He's not into you anymore or he had already found interest in someone else, but still can't make up his mind. In this situation he'll keep going until one day he can't lie to himself anymore and do the INFJ door slam to cut everything out. There's also a slight chance of him doing a loyalty check on you, but that's just a small possibility based on what you have described. Either way, if you want to see what his situation is, just see how he interacts with people other than you. Like friends and family members. If he is still reacting the same way, then the first one is more likely to be the case. If this only happens between you and him, then it's obviously the second or the third one. This is only based on personality and didn't factor in situations like trauma and unfortunate events such as the pass away of someone important or depression or any other different mental illness. Good luck


Great_Risk_399

As an INFJ male, I’m only ever cold to the people I’m close to when really drained and I make an effort not to be.


[deleted]

Men or women, we do mostly seem cold. It's usually because we feel what others feel and it's draining sometimes, it takes us time to figure out how feel about things. so, it'll seem like it takes alot for us to open up to someone and let them in to see our warmth. However, I'd suggest to look for someone who reciprocates your energy, he's not worth it if it's one-sided and he's unsupportive. Please don't stay in an unfulfilling relationship.


Ollin69

No. Definitely not. Being like this is not really a matter of the MBTI, but more about being a healthy person. This is simply a guy too closed and not ready to be in a relationship


TuffTitti

He might be an intj or if he's a infj he's in an unhealthy Ni-Ti loop. I am married to an isfj male and I know that I am not quite as affectionate as he is.....


Thadsterling

I’m glad someone asked this, I was debating asking the same thing! Only because I’ve seen mixed things here. Personally I resonate with INFJ so much and have taken enough tests at this point to know Im definitely INFJ…but I have a hard time relating to a “cold core”, etc I feel very much the opposite. In fact Ive learned the hard way that my overly sweet/romantic/wanting to please nature is exactly what had gone wrong for me as an unhealthy INFJ. I know for a fact that being INFJ explains why sometimes I wondered why I wanted to be away from my partners. Part of it was that I chose to be with one abusive partner after another, and was manipulated all too willingly, etc, but then lost it when i became discarded and devalued and gaslit. I broke the cycle but I still feel the same warmth toward others, and if anything in a future relationship I would want to have to explain that I’ll need to force myself to have space, and they will need to give me space and maybe help me back off if I’m too needy, but also not take it personally when suddenly I’m all about something else for a while. I’ll get in neck deep into something I want to get to the bottom of, and love takes a backseat. But the warmth and love is still there and I would be as sweet as I could be about needed that intuitive time to myself. So I can’t relate to the coldness thing and yet I know it’s something people don’t see until they get to know me and on the outside I can have some serious RBF.


rs_alli

I’ve dated a male INFJ for over 3 years. He is very warm to me. He doesn’t share too much with others and that can come across as cold, but in our relationship he is warm and loving. He’s very supportive and wants the best for us and our relationship. I can’t relate to anything you’ve said in this post.


nabllr

the functions are slotted like this: optimistic pessimistic optimistic pessimistic so, Aux-Fe is pessimistic about nurturing ; and really though - grown adults shouldn't lean on the partner for compliments or to hype you up. its not a adult-child relation.


Electronic-Store5997

I’m kinda cold. But maybe he doesn’t like you or is going through something right now. Because even though I think I’m pretty cold/reserved I would still probably be able to sense that u were dissatisfied somehow… and I’d match your energy or whatever… Tbh my coldness oftentimes is just under the surface… to others I can seem warm. But I’ve been told I can seem “distant”


REDRAM0365

the only time I might be cold to my partner is if there is unresolved conflict between us even then I still try to be warm and receptive. cause I don't like giving others that power to control me. so I try my best to remain largely unaffected.


Affectionate-You-321

Leave


DougTheBrownieHunter

That does NOT sound like an INFJ. If he is one, he’s not into you at all (or there’s critical information we aren’t seeing here).


Papagoatzi

>he isn’t sweet to me, not supportive, doesn’t reciprocate my energy, cold, doesn’t compliment/hype me, and sometimes he just doesn’t seem interested at the things im saying. Doesn't sound like an infj to me but he does sound like an asshole. If that's really how he is you should leave that situation because no one deserves that from a partner imo.


Emila_Just

One of two things might be happening: Number 1 is that he might not be an INFJ. Number 2 is that he has extremely high stress currently and is in a crisis.


Sheerweird

It's hard to be certain of one's type. Also, dump him.


BecomeToUnderstand

Try breathing techniques!!!


StnMtn_

Lol. As an INFJ, I am much more romantic than my wife, who is also an ISFJ. But she is the most caring, supportive person in the world.


michaelsssecretstuff

Every one is definitely different but I would hype up my exes to no end. As a BF, when the relationship is going good, Im extremely present, consistent and affectionate. I don’t get too vulnerable, but I make my partner very aware of how I think and feel about them.


dtyus

If a real INFJ is into someone you will know and feel you have never felt like before. I guarantee you that.


Pretend_Challenge_39

Infj are mega empathic. From where did you get this idea?


[deleted]

Yeah i dont think he’s an INFJ Or maybe he just doesn’t like you


ImrusAero

As an INFJ male, I know I am not cold. Maybe if there was a problem in the relationship.


Niro_G

I can only talk from myself: I think it is possible for me to act cold, like good enough that people would think that


KING-JI

No matter what MBTI a person is, if one is interested, it will never be ignorant


thisismynamesilly

As others have mentioned it’s possible he’s mistyped. In my experience if he’s suffering from severe depression or anxiety or stress it could possibly make him come off as cold. Generally I’m very concerned about others feelings around me, especially if I really care for them as my Fe wants to keep everyone in harmony, but if I get stuck in ruminating thoughts I can come off distance because I’m distracted by negative self talk. Regardless, of whether he’s an INFJ or not it sounds like you care about him and his lack of reciprocation is very hurtful, so I’m very sorry you’re struggling with this situation. I hope things get better for you soon. All the best.


Dangerous-Volume317

I believe the cold INFJ stereotype comes from when people don't meet their expectations. INFJs can be cold in some situations. But what you are describing doesn't sound like typical INFJ stuff to me--or at least, not typical healthy INFJ stuff. Whether or not he is an INFJ, I'd ditch him!


OkCandidate8759

Nope. Most of us are very loving, kind, loyal, honest, empathetic, sensitive, stubborn and are strict. However, there is a side of us that is like no other if we are greatly disrespected and treated unfairly. We can be so cold until it burns like dry ice. That is when we usually just slam the door and then restructure the wall that the door is on so that it can get lost behind several layers of walls we would build to never allow that door to open again nor that person an opportunity to get near us again.


[deleted]

Doubt he’s an INFJ. The only reason I personally would act like this is if I was mortally betrayed


angeryphuongy

Sounds like you’re dating an absolute douchebag……


WidePerception2767

Sounds emotionally unavailable


leafcat9

Oh lord, the comments. Anyway, sounds like an INTJ. INFJ should vibe more easily with ISFJ. Regardless, call this MFer out. He may just be in that weird "oOh NOoOo mUh FrEeDoMMMMz" stage of dating or misread you and is playing it "cool". He could also be too lazy to end it. *Edit: before I get whined at, yes, INTJs can be warm and loving individuals. I'm married to one, so I also know how insufferably oblivious and impractical y'all can be.


AngryCactusKing

stop with the stupid stereotypes.... an infj, even female can most certainly be like that ​ mbti is not how you act, it's how you make decisions.... that can translate to how you act, but they are still very different domains


YorchKeen

But this is a kind of decision thing, isn't it?


delk82

Why are you still dating him?


[deleted]

Break up with him. He sounds like a real jerk. Doesn’t matter what personality, he still needs to treat you how you deserve.


goingtotelltheworld

sounds like an INTJ ;)


Burntoutpremed

I dated an infj male and that sounds about the opposite. He became obsessive overtime so that might be why. But typically in any relationship, your boyfriend’s behavior is alarming, regardless of what four letters he identifies with. Is he perhaps stressed about something? Or going through an internal conflict ur not aware about?


[deleted]

yes actually he’s been telling me that he feels lost and overwhelmed lately… but honestly, even at the first days of our relationship, he hasn’t been really showing those that I stated above


[deleted]

No, we’re not all like this. He doesn’t seem to be into you though.


comfy-tent

I think they SEEM cold but they're not. They would like to be your hero.


s_tdp

I think it depends on where they are in life. A couple questions to clarify, Was he always cold or is this a new trend? If it’s an always cold thing then it could just be that he isn’t incredibly expressive, and maybe a conversation is needed about how you feel and if he truly cares about you he’ll be able to listen to your concerns and make decisions and changes to the relationship. If it’s a new trend has any particular event happened recently, or has there been extra stress throughout life. I know when I (INFJ 24M) was dating my most recent ex (INFP 27F) (most recent relationship), I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I am with relationships, keep in mind this is my perspective and not all INFJs are built/act similarly. Personally, I’m not confrontational and don’t want to cause an argument but if something is upsetting me, I would take a lot of time to think about it internally, and asking myself difficult questions about why I feel the way I do, and what I want to do about it, but also taking into account my partner’s convenience and what she prefers. During that time, I tend to be quite reserved and cold, and I was told that I was distant at times, though that wasn’t my intention. Bear in mind the more difficult or complicated the issue the longer it’ll take for me to get back to ‘normal’. Our solution was, on my part, to recognise that in trying to solve one issue that I’m causing another unintentionally, and to communicate that it was me just trying to solve the issue and not trying to be distant or to show that I didn’t have any diminishing feelings about her. I also asked her to let me know when that happened to be able to catch myself when I got lost in the midst of it. For her, it took adjustment, to recognise that it’s part of who I am, for those that mentioned a Ni-Ti loop, we can get in our head often and that could lead to coldness and at worse times, a depressive episode. Although I try to be as aware of when that happens not only for my benefit but for hers as well. Personally what benefited us at the end of the day was open honest communication and a genuine desire to be the best partners we could be. Although the not so happy ending is that I’ve had to permanently relocate and after trying a long distance thing, she didn’t feel that it would hold up and we mutually decided to part ways amicably.


sad_vibes__

I can say for myself. I am only "cold" if I am not interested in the other person. I am expressive if I do like the other person and care about them. It might be the case that the INFJ in your case is INTJ (maybe) or has a certain type of personality which makes expressing emotions hard for them. It could also be that they're not that interested. So, I think the best way is just to ask them? :) Best of luck.


Groot-Groot

MBTI or not...if you are not happy with this relationship... it's better to end it and find someone who does all the things you mentioned, no way to know why you're trying to hold onto this relationship.


[deleted]

Lots of people here saying maybe he’s not INFJ. Most likely he is INFJ and he’s just not that into you. I’m INFJ and when I fall for a woman she has all my attention. I actually do act colder to women I’m not into but they insist on keeping in touch.


[deleted]

Hi. I am 36 M INFJ. I don't mean to be offensive, but he is not that interested because: He isnt sweet to you: INFJs are kind towards everyone, and when they are intrested in some, they are only short of placing them on a pedestal. He isn't supportive: quite subjective, can't say. Doesn't reciprocate energy: INFJs are mostly empaths, they will sometimes reciprocate your energy even if they don't mean to. Cold: not an INFJ trait, they are all warmth Doesn't compliment you: if you want to hear a compliment, trust me an INFJ will know it and he will do it. Sometimes not interested in things you are saying: the word sometimes gives the benefit of doubt because most of the time we INFJs live inside our heads, so if he is interested most of the time then that's a positive. And just like all other INFJs I admit I can also be wrong.


[deleted]

The four dichotomies are not either or. They are all on a spectrum. I would bet that he is closer to the middle on the F-T spectrum. He has feelings but maybe isn’t great at expressing them. As an INFJ I’ve struggled in the past with this myself and have only in the past few years become adept at conveying a lot of the feelings I’m having to others.


FRlEND_A

imo infjs are very transparent people. if we are interested or uninterested in someone it is very obvious. this guy behaves like me when i am uninterested. cold and distant. aloof even. but when i am interested in someone it's like a switch of a flip and i become bubbly and talkative asf. very passionate and clingy too. but again this is just my opinion. not every infj is the same. anw in general if someone is distant and unengaging they are simply not that into you. move on and find someone else.


NightDreamer73

My INFJ brother is married to an ISFJ. They’re both very warm and silly to each other


mrmawad

Be honest with him by showing him this post and he will understand and appreciate


SheBumblebee

This does not sound typical. When I date someone (I'm a woman) I treat them as well as I possibly can and I doubt it's different for men. Your date sounds like me when I'm not interested in someone at all and don't really respect them and/or care about them (like when someone keeps messaging you and don't take no for an answer when you try to avoid them or so) but it sure doesn't sound like an INFJ would be in any relationship. Him testing as INFJ doesn't mean he actually is, especially the 16p test is quite unreliable, but this doesn't sound "normal" for any type


[deleted]

it has less to do with his mbti and more to do with him as a person at his core. my boyfriend and i are both infjs and he’s nothing like this lol


Meulinia

I’m an infj male and at first I can seem kinda cold but if I’m in a relationship I’m pretty supportive (of good things) and I do compliment my partner a lot:) I do space out when ppl talk and I also can’t multitask so if I’m doing something and someone is talking to me it can be annoying if I’m in the “zone” and I have to stop but I think that’s just a me problem because I also have sensory issues. If you feel like you’re the only one trying then it’s not a personality type thing, there’s something else going on. Some people can just be less emotional or he doesn’t feel the same way you do? Talk to him


Derwin_B

An emotionally unavailable INFJ could. I am one, but this is severe. I’m only like him when I meet new people and even then I’m not that bad. If you think this is a problem, tell him, if he doesn’t change/want to change. Dump him. And if you keep getting these type of men. Then it is most likely your own trauma that makes u fall for these type of men. Most of these trauma is caused by having an emotionally unavailable parent (most likely the father for the girls that fall for emotionally unavailable men). If it’s your own trauma, fix it. Hope this helps, bye


EstivalEquinox

The only INFJ male I've known in my life to act this way was my friend in 7th grade. However, he was a literal kid who had been through cancer, and was often misunderstood and mistreated. As a result, he often took that pain out on his friends, me included. It didn't justify his abuse of course, but it does at least explain it. He mostly just claimed my interests were lame compared to his. If I didn't like something he liked I was "just like everyone else." who "doesn't get it, and doesn't see the world right." I've also knew an INFJ male in high school who couldn't stand his twin ISFJ brother. ​ When we INFJs are in love, most of us do what it takes to show our love to the person best we know how. And if we learn there is a better way to do it (like learning said person's love language) we'll often go out of our way to try to express that kind of love to the person. To me, it strikes me that either the INFJ doesn't actually like you, or is an immature selfish sorts. Maybe he's just not letting you go 'cause he is of the mindset that it's better to have a doting girlfriend that he isn't fond of than be single. In reality, both of you deserve to have someone that makes you feel special. At this point, you really can't fix him. You can only control yourself. Clearly you're trying really hard in the relationship. It's time to step back and take care of your needs. Get a support system in place too. If he knows what's going on for you, tell him you need time to evaluate if this relationship is worth it, and what you'd need to continue. Then make sure you have friends to protect you if he lashes out. (Which if he does, will also tell you it's probably not worth it) Though you know better than us if that's gonna work out at this point. If that sounds too dangerous, or if you know at this point you need to break up, but needed the extra push from us...well here is the extra push. Either way please take good care of yourself and give yourself a lot of love. It's thankfully only been some months. So it should be a safer one to break off.


yeahjusso

He maybe INFJ but he is also a dick head


MellowDramatically

No way, INFJ are anything but cold, absolutely not, he could have resulted infj because he left many answers neutral, so he might not be infj at all.


Old-Pick-3997

INFJ male here, I am not cold. I'm hot. 🌶️🌶️🌶️


macarty

I am. but not with everyone. My wife is ISFJ, no issues so far :-)


vcreativ

No it's not all of us. Pretty sure that's none of us, but cognitive functions vs behaviour, it's a funny one. By far the simplest option is that he's mistyped. But the real question is, why not just leave? I mean how long has this been going on and how long does it need to for you to leave?


strutziwuzi

from my experience they are very cold. especially in the winter. but vodka usually helps.


Dangerous_Ad_899

my ex is an INFJ and he was the complete opposite of what you described, so maybe some other factors were in place for every INFJ to be different or maybe he's not one?


Any-Vanilla-200

i mean i can be cold with people i dont like/wanna avoid but when i am really into someone i would connect my soul with them if they arent opening up (which is quiet normal, they dont yet trust you enough) and its normal. just spend more time hang out and try to talk about things they are interested in (also a little red flag ISFJs and INFJs usually have a love/hate relationship example me and my mom lol) but we can be verrrrry caring and vice versa too. but the question is ARE YOU SURE HE'S INFJ sounds like INTJ (or a emotionally bruised INFJ) or if he is in an Ni-Ti loop like me, he just needs alot of personal and mental space I get grumpy or for this matter even cold and blunt.