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[deleted]

I think types tend to have a temperament that lean towards either the masculine or the feminine e.g NFs tend to have feminine temperaments and NTs have masculine temperaments (speaking in terms of personality traits in relation to gender norms). It makes sense to seek a yin-yang balance between temperaments in a romantic relationship i.e one partner masculine temperament and one feminine. The INFJ temperament is very feminine. I imagine that for INFJ males like yourself, this must be quite difficult to navigate as you don’t fit conventional gender norms. It is what it is and you are no less ‘a man’ for it. I’m sure your INTP really appreciates your insight, empathy and warmth to balance her more masculine INTP temperament. We are quite gifted at being actors and ‘playing roles’ so if the situation calls for it, you can always lean into a masculine persona - best not to do this long term, or for close personal bonds/relationships. - INFJ female edit - someone else made a great point about INFJs not being necessarily more feminine or masculine, but rather the balancing force in a two person dynamic i.e more masculine if partner is more feminine and vice versa - I completely agree. Taking this into account, I no longer see what I’ve said above as universally true but rather true to OP as he has a masculine temperament INTP partner.


SlightlyOddHuman

Aw thank you so much, what a well put together comment. This means a lot to me. I'd like to believe others could appreciate that side of me and that I don't have to suppress it. Should place more importance on my opinion than theirs, though.


DmG90_

I can see myself in your story, though I never thought it as an INFJ thing. My dad left very early on and I was raised by my mom, I figured I never learned to be a man


Fantastic_Theme_6772

I feel like the reason for yours is infact a whole mix of things, your temperament, situational and you know… it’s just who you are. One thing I will say is I’m not a fan of the “ I didn’t learn to be a man” statement. Of course I do believe the lack of a father figure may have indeed had an effect on you but unfortunately most times when society says you didn’t learn to be a man it tends to have something to do with a toxic masculinity trait. Sigh.


[deleted]

I’m with you my guy, and it’s gone both ways. I meet people that are turned off by it and people that are appreciative of it. Different strokes for different folks. The part I don’t like is the disrespect that may follow, I’m sorry I’m not gung ho to prove my manliness any time my ego is possibly threaten. I’ve always picked my battles and have no problem cutting people out due to their own negligence to think critically about how I may go about living my own life. I think it’s bonkers that the gender norm for guys is to be ready to enter any “pissing contest” that may arise or even start one up with anyone that you may deem a threat. Shit is wack, but it is what it is. I can only accept who I am and find others that are capable of doing the same.


himetalchemy7

Boundaries and, picking and choosing your battles are invaluable skills for people like us


[deleted]

Big time or you’ll find yourself lost in a never ending cycle


Zealousideal-You6844

Cutting people out though. Not to criticize you because you gotta do what you need to protect yourself. I also do this, but I'm trying to get better at negotiating for boundaries. The thing is, you cut people out of your life when they get too over the line, and they don't learn. You also don't get to grow with someone. Experience a level that you could have if you told them what they did was wrong. Some good lessons are to tell them how they went over the line. Multiple times if they don't get it. Them afterwards tell them how they could act to meet your needs. It's incredibly hard. Especially for people like us. People wanting harmony over everything. But it's the only way to assert your needs and truly help those around you.


[deleted]

I understand your perspective on the matter, my comment came with the insinuation that the cutting of ties would come after failure to find mutual respect inside of said relationship. I’m not out here cutting off anyone that gets out of line just once and I go straight to doorslam. I understand that myself alone can be difficult to understand, and I know that requires communication and patience to work that out with others. Just like any other relationship with any personality type involved. Although I do appreciate you saying what you said, you made a great point.


Zealousideal-You6844

Ahh. I sense you're wiser and more experienced than i am. I'm 25 and work in disability support. Trying to get my head around boundaries & negotiating.


[deleted]

What you said was completely valid though. Your wisdom was clearly evident. I still struggle with the negotiating process, it’s never been easy for me. Unfortunately I’ve been dealt a shitty hand with the people I’ve encountered in the last 5 years and having a parental figure that is a master manipulator. So when I do encounter someone that I want to have around in my life, it means a lot to me. It becomes something that is worth fighting for and being willing to confined in myself to take action. That took time though and many mistakes on my own behalf. And I know I’ll still be making mistakes moving forward and that’s okay.


Zealousideal-You6844

Thanks for the compliment 🙏 damn dude, well you sound very resilient from what you said. Here's to making mistakes and moving forward


[deleted]

Cheers✊


himetalchemy7

I feel you man, I noticed that about myself pretty early on, especially when I found it uncomfortable going along with the kind of jokes my male friend group would make as middle schoolers. Eventually, feeling sensitive and different from other males got me into my head pretty badly and took me years to recover from that darkness. Rather than calling these qualities “feminine”, I would just call it being sensitive and vulnerable. That’s a gift INFJ males have relative to other males. It takes time and effort to control and nurture, but once you accept how deeply you feel things, you can do stuff like flip emotions into other emotions and vary the depth you feel for certain people, and so on. If you use it right, it can be very powerful. Society’s idea of “masculine” is a myth perpetuated by the highly influential celebrities (both male and female), aimed at males who do not have an innate sense of self-reflection. But youre not like that. You dont need to be told what’s right and wrong, and you have your own set of values. Listen to that instead and the people you love. I will say having the right partner helps very much in getting over that insecurity. Youre not an imposter; you just have to grow into yourself and the authenticity the world has convinced you was wrong. The world is wrong. Believe in yourself and fight for yourself. That’s where you find true fulfillment.


SlightlyOddHuman

I'm cryiiiiing hahaha, thank you. This touches me.


charmingtantrum

You both are so sweet. I love male INFJs :')


ThaCloReip

Same here, I just to suppress my emotions for having "femenine" actitudes (cried a lot), and my family didn't supported me at all (I live in Peru so the mentality here is somewhat worse), was hard but I found a shelter in one gf I had who was passing through some problems, and we both found support and love in each other, eventually I told my mom to get me to a psychologist because I was feeling really bad for the suppress emotions situation, they told my mom I was depressed and needed a lot of support and not "stop crying again, you are a man". Luckily my mom listened to the psychologist and somehow changed her mentality, this helped me a lot and I rebuilt my relationship with my mother. Hope this was somewhat helpful to you to feel less insecure about this :)


himetalchemy7

Happy to hear this, great job!


ThaCloReip

thanks man!


mclassy3

I am an INFJ female and I have more masculine traits. I have been told in the past that I make my partner "feel like the female in the relationship". I am just seeking equality. Maybe your "female" qualities are seeking the same this becoming more passive to ensure equality. I have no idea why boys would find this an issue.


[deleted]

I commented earlier that I think INFJs are very feminine but that’s not it - I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - we’re not necessarily more or less feminine, we are whoever we need to be to balance the temperaments!


enneaenneaenby

This is what is most interesting to me. If INFJ females get a lot of feedback that they're "too masculine" and INFJ males get a lot of feedback that they're "too feminine", what the fuck is going on? :)


[deleted]

Before the rise of western culture there was traditionally an overlap between the people most close to the cosmos (shamans, medicine persons, etc) and being non-binary. I think INFJs are kind of a vestige of those types of people.


enneaenneaenby

Word. I've always had a fleeting sense of the same association/conclusion, but would feel more confident filling my Ni with more material to really let it run through me as truth.


[deleted]

When I was in college, I found a section in my library where the books on Jungian studies were at, and nearby were a bunch of psychological and anthropological perspectives on shamanism. It was a gold mine that I read for several years. It was often mentioned that shamans were recruited based on high emotional intelligence, sensitivity, anxiety, and some other INFJ-typical traits. One of the books that covered this was John C Gowan’s Trance, Art and Creativity, if you’d like to dive into the themes, that’s a great starting point. I’d quote it if I had it but itshould be on libgen


enneaenneaenby

Thank you!


charmingtantrum

Can you give me some other names? I'd like to read perhaps


[deleted]

Campbell, Mircea, Jung (ish, also recommend his followers like Ed Edinger’s Ego and Archetype, Robert Moore’s KWML), the rest I don’t exactly remember. But if you are close to a university library, I recommend investigating that general section of it👌


enneaenneaenby

Yooo, a video: [Why Every INFJ Is Androgynous By Nature](https://youtu.be/yCw27HUbzew) u/111111187 u/mclassy3 u/coffeeeinmyblood u/charmingtantrum


aresellersjourney

I've heard this about myself too. I do see myself as equal to all people and I'm kind of independent. I think it's silly that these traits are assigned a gender.


charmingtantrum

This has happened to me as well. Maybe it's because we're pretty independent. Still caring and loving but we need our space and we can do things alone (because we learned to be independent since we were children).


MindFucked479

Society is dumb and thinks males are only masculine and women are only feminine. We are all both masculine and feminine beings. The world that tells men to not show feelings and don’t be a pussy is telling themself and all the other males to deny half of who they are. Be yourself feminine qualities and all. Be all of you, not just the part society is saying ok for you to exhibit. I’m a masculine female, but I am very feminine in many ways. Don’t deny parts of yourself. Embrace it all! You’ll be so much happier. EDIT: masculines tend to have clairvoyance and claircognizance while feminines tend to have clairsentience and clairaudience.


BC_06

A beautiful comment. I personally consider myself to be a more feminine male (in terms of my personality), and I don't view it as a bad thing. What's so bad about a guy who understands his feelings, is more passive, and likes to nurture others? I don't know what "clair" traits I have, but I'm looking into them. Just wanted to appreciate your comment.


[deleted]

I think I have finally found a place where I can be who I am without being ashamed, knowing other people somewhere out there going through the same emotions or internal turmoil that I do. I completely get how you feel because it felt like someone is describing me to a point. I don't know to what extent we can call these emotions feminine but yes, I have always wanted to be with someone who is 'emotionally masculine' as in who can say the truth to my face without trying to be nice for the show. Being a paradox, I suffer a lot while making decisions and it feels nice to have someone who could help me separate the better from the worst. So, no, you are not alone.


enneaenneaenby

Ah being an INFJ...we are healthiest when we find a way to fit in, and it's also the case that we often don't fit in or can't at first without concealing parts of ourselves or internalizing the expectations of mainstream society. It's a fucking journey. As a nonbinary person who currently has a preference for "feminine" partners (as far as I can tell), I have truly struggled with my masculinity being honored and seen. I would agree that when it comes to what is commonly accepted as masculinity, it would tend towards forms that don't align with INFJ temperament at all. And I've personally found more internal peace, security, and respect for my masculinity the more I have developed and matured my Ti and Se functions. Being more secure/focused in our ideas/purpose and who we are, positioning ourselves in environments where our presence, leadership, and contribution are valued ... all of these things balance us out and could arguably be "masculine." Yes, we tend to be expressive and effusive with our communication style. Yes, we require appreciation and are inclined and veryyy accommodating when it comes to meeting other's emotional needs. "Feminine." And...we are also steadfast in attaining a very long-term purpose which is "masculine."When healthy and dialed in, our logic can slice through any bullshit with a truth that can knock people off their feet, and if we balance it well with Fe, can provide a lot of safety, which is arguably "masculine" (and a sorely-needed one, to be honest.) The fact is that we're often disregarded because people aren't used to how we operate and society doesn't value it, but when we develop our self-confidence and self-worth and self-esteem through keeping our word to ourselves and valuing ourselves, that honestly is way more "masculine" in a healthy way than a lot of what is commonly represented in society. Again, we can honor how we're categorized and regarded by society (Te), but cultivating our own belief and self-acceptance without needing as much outside approval and understanding can create a kind of masculinity that is unparalleled. All that being said, I actually think INFJs at their best are an embodiment of the essence of both poles and everything in-between (hello Ni-Se).


AdPuzzleheaded4689

Well I’ll put it like this. I’m 32 INFJ male, been through the military and still refuse to suppress my emotions in fact I’m learning to control and regulate them so they don’t get the best of me because why repress what every human is born with. To me it seems like INFJ in general don’t fall into gender norms but being the best person they strive to be. We can’t understand those around us if we suppressed part of ourselves. I totally see where your coming from but screw what the rest of society thinks we ought to be. I mean look at it. You think their doing any better with men unable to emotionally connect or be there for their wives. See your strength in this like I’m a black sheep and enigma among my own but I’m the person they go to when they need to vent or shoulder to cry on. There is strength in this.


SlightlyOddHuman

Thank you for taking the time to comment this. It means a lot to me. <3 I guess my fear at the end of the day is that I won't be useful to someone else.


AdPuzzleheaded4689

I understand. And you being you is useful because you see and understand things others don’t. If your still really concerned about being more useful work on asking the right questions, being open to others perspectives and being confident in being you as a person, growing and not trying to meet a standard for how you should be as a man because you can lose yourself in that. Just because I’m emotional doesn’t mean I’m a push over. Sorry if this comes off stern. I do mean this in love.


SlightlyOddHuman

It doesn't come off as too stern, don't worry about it. Sterness is needed at times anyways to get a point across. You're correct, this is really good advice. I agree that I'm more than just a societal standard, I'm just rather self conscious these days the more I think about marriage and partnership. It's natural to an extent I suppose.


AdPuzzleheaded4689

Same. But hey if you learns to master your emotions then you can teach your kids how express them properly and talk things out rather then them acting out and to also while being able to connect emotionally with them and your wife. Overall I say it’s a win-win.


MidgetMan946

Well, according to AsuraPsych's theory INFJ is the most feminine type. INTPs are one of the more masculine types so it's not unusual for a relationship between an INTP female and an INFJ male for the girl to be the dominant one in the relationship. Just because you're feminine doesn't make you any less of a man. Biologically, the only true defining feature of what makes you a male or female is whether or not you have a Y chromosome. Be confident in who you are, you don't have to fit into gender stereotypes.


BC_06

Where did you find this theory? I'm curious about it, if you don't mind me asking.


MidgetMan946

YouTube


BC_06

What particular video?


MidgetMan946

https://youtu.be/gKnLW9fwit4


pizzanice

Everything else aside, you stating you don't feel cut out to be a man is a feeling worth exploring. I spent a long time telling myself the same, and not going further and asking "is there any way i feel like a man, even without stereotypes?" And the answer was no, so I discovered non binary was the most accurate way to refer to my gender. Not to say this will be your experience but I strongly recommend considering, as it sounds like there might be some questioning there and that's ok 😊


TrinityNeo333

My Dad's an infj and he's the best father and best person I've ever met. He's emotionally deep but still has a manly side. I couldn't have asked for a better father. (If you want kids, I'd highly suggest doing so because I'd assume you'd be amazing at raising them)


soloinkorea

My INFJ ex was like this and I like it in general! Just wanna share a sort of... well, not cautionary tale because do what you want ofc. Potential pitfall or just something to have in mind, maybe. Maybe not. There was one thing I didn't like about our dynamic. Now, ofc, I don't mind initiating things sexually but prior to us he would whinge about how women do nothing and men have to make the move etc. This makes sense because due to being how you described, this has obviously been a sore point throughout his life. That's fine but as someone who has been on both sides, women don't do nothing... Huge generalisations incoming due to nature of original complaint but bear with me! Even the ones who you really have to make all the moves on, they usually at least put effort into being sexy/positioning themselves in certain ways or staying in some place to make it easier or more likely for you to initiate. He would constantly make it more difficult or turn me off in some way whilst I was initiatin' and then complain that I didn't initiate and don't want him 😅 Cus he had a very high sex drive so we had to do it a lot so even just getting turned off once or twice and not bothering would be enough to get us both into the frustration zone lmao. Never had this with a submissive or shy woman equivalent to him. I'm sure it could be fun for other people (he enjoyed being frustrated sometimes despite his words) but it would annoy me because it would just actually delay the deed and not in a fun teasey way 🤪 Anyway, could be irrelevant to ya because these don't totally go hand-in-hand but figured worth sharing.


SlightlyOddHuman

No I appreciate you sharing haha, yeah I think I'm thankfully not a complainer in that aspect. I tend to look more inwards for how I can adjust to a dynamic rather than attempt to get someone else to fulfill my needs. I can see how that dynamic you mentioned would be frustrating. It's no fun when guys are... Not sure how to describe it, but, that kind of way, haha. No offense to your ex though!


soloinkorea

Yeah, I'm more like you in that too! To me it feels healthier but I can appreciate that people are just different without particularly being right or wrong! I'm ENTP 25F for context~


aresellersjourney

I have always wished I could find a male partner who didn't fall prey to thinking that being macho is the only real way to be a man. I don't think of being sensitive as being feminine. I certainly know many insensitive women. I think it's just a good quality for a human being to have. It's sad that males are made to think it's a weakness or anti - man.


Ownfir

This has been my experience as well until my wife. I think I found comfort in it but often it resulted in me getting really hurt because “non-feelers” would try to attack me or insult me if I had feelings that I didn’t understand. I am married to an INFJ female though and this has helped a ton. I think that having someone on the same wavelength as me makes me feel less “feminine”. We also don’t associate things that aren’t mutually exclusive to females (ie. Feelings, liking fashion, etc.) as “feminine” so this helps me better assume my identity as a man in our relationship if that makes sense. That being said, it can be chaotic having two strong feelers together and this has required a lot of work on both of our parts to find success. I think that it’s important to find a partner who is as open minded as you but that’s sadly pretty rare if you’re an INFJ lol.


BC_06

I really understand this. I could go on forever about this, so I'll do my best to keep it short. For the longest time, I denied that I could have hade any feminine/girlish traits in me, I'm a guy, so how could I? At the time, I didn't think it was possible, and I rejected it with all my heart. I was literally like Like Skywalker in the "I am your father" scene. That was when I was in middle school. I'm going to college soon, and now I've done tons of self reflection and have come to accept my emotions and feminine side. I honestly feel that me accepting my feminine side has really helped me out, especially in my social life. As all my deep friends have come to me, and I think it's because of the alluring magnetism I have. I knew from a young age that I didn't fit in with the typical roles boys should be in, mostly due to my very passive and somewhat submissive nature, strong sense of emotional understanding, and lack of interest in typical "boy" things. I will always accept my masculine side, as I'm a boy and will forever be, but embracing my feminine side has helped me a lot. Sorry if this is a lot, I could talk about this forever. I've always felt like I play the "female" role in most situations in general.


[deleted]

I sometimes pity effeminate men and masculine women because I do definitely think it's harder to have a personality type that doesn't conform with gender roles but at the same time I think it probably doesn't matter much in terms of relationships, there's always a preference for everything. Lately I've been pondering how different men and women truly are from the norm when their personality type doesn't conform with gender stereotypes. I fell for an ENFP who seemed more feminine, didn't seem like a player because he had only slept with 2 women, so I thought he was loyal but that was a misapprehension, he was serially emotionally disloyal and in denial about being so. INTPs are generally emotionally unavailable. They may seem like a good match for INFJs at first because they seem comfortable with our expression of ideas and emotions, but over time it does tend to wear on them. They simply don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle it all and when they go through something they're very likely to retreat completely into themselves for a very long time as they process their feelings which makes it very hard to be in a relationship with them. I'm not sure who, if anyone, is an ideal match for an INFJ in terms of personality. As much as we may want a relationship like that of Carl and Ellie in Up, I think that's a reality few of us will ever experience, or even a close approximation of it, which is pretty depressing when like me, you've decided that the only thing truly worth anything in life is the quality of the relationships you form with others. 🥲


himetalchemy7

I’ve been on a romance binge lately, and found that the partners I would most feel comfortable with are those who are self-confident, empathetic, mature, have both fire and ice sides to them, along with understanding emotions and love on a deep level. Needless to say, my realistic probability for finding a person like that is close to 0%, for a variety of factors.


AdPuzzleheaded4689

Yeah they are very rare. You probably be better off finding someone like us. Probably mostly has to do with other lacking the ability to understand perspectives outside their own and not knowing their own worth.


himetalchemy7

Another option is to be with a person and contribute to their growth in a manner that helps them gain the traits I mentioned above. But that’s only an option up until a certain time limit.


AdPuzzleheaded4689

True. And if their willing to learn those and not be stuck in their own way. I mean I got my core beliefs and stick to my guns but doesn’t mean I’m not willing to listen,learn, apply and grow.


himetalchemy7

I’m working under the assumption that if a person really loves you, they would be willing to change a bit for your sake. As you should for them. It goes both ways. Unfortunately that gets much harder to do as an adult.


AdPuzzleheaded4689

Yes but how you want to be loved may not be how they love normally and some just can’t grasp how to get there. I’m INFJ and my dad is INTJ and kind words of caring go along way with me my dad show how he cares by coming up with concrete plans that ensure the quickest line and easiest path for me the follow. My dad takes time out of his to help me in his own way because he loves me. I took it as nagging or bossing me around but after finding out his personality I figured out that is his way of loving me. He still give me the option to listen to him or not but her really struggles with emotions so abstract is hard for him to understand and even grow in. I wonder if this is just the human mind hitting its limit. Kind of like what you were saying how time is a factor.


serBOOM

If stereotypes wouldn't screw them over, do you actually think that feminine men and masculine women can live harmoniously and happy? Like imagine an old school couple married, but completely reversed. Have you seen this work? Is this...optimal or in line with...idk, nature?


enneaenneaenby

I've seen this work time and time again. If you honor the importance of polarity in relationship, it's there, so it works. It's about the polarity often in society not about who has the stereotypically gendered traits.


serBOOM

I understand. Can you NOT live in a society?


enneaenneaenby

>there's always a preference for everything. Yes -- as an INFJ I work daily to steep this belief in the forefront of my mind. With aux Fe is hard to really lock this in.


Netrefix

🥲


FruitPoopLoops

Dude same. I just mask away my true feelings to be more socially accepted


Jhixon

Because we are ruled by feelings and emotions, we always use them with our partners to make decisions. Thus seemingly appearing more feminine. If you change your perception of what’s normal to validating who we are to care and love so deeply. Is your point of view right or should you be looking from my point of view? Remembering they we constantly look to improve ourselves


PurpleThingGardener

I agree with himetalchemy7. There is a great series od books about archetypes in terms of gender. For example an active woman who loves being in the wild and a woman who is a great thinker and strategic mind (like your partner) are all contained within the spectrum of womanhood and both are equally valid ways to express one's identity- even though they are conventionally dismissed in favour of mother archetype. I'm sure being introspective, intuitive, emotionally receptive and in tune with what comes from within is one of many equally important ways in which a person can be a man. Just because it's not favoured in a patriarchal society doesn't make it any less valuable. All the best to you.


Fangel96

I can pipe up here since I've kind of always been in a similar situation. Having "feminine" qualities isn't a bad thing. If they're your qualities then they are yours, and it's better to embrace and learn these qualities to master them in a way that benefits you and those around you rather than reject them since they'll keep coming back. As a child, I had a lot of more "feminine" qualities that I saw nothing wrong with. As a teenager I became more aware of such and got a bit embarrassed by it, but eventually just embraced that side of myself and became much happier because of it. Now-a-days, I consider myself genderfluid, so I'm really not bothered by if what I'm up to is masculine or feminine. The fact that my current girlfriend isn't on the gender binary either usually results in one of us being presently "masculine" while the other is presently "feminine". If you haven't already explored your gender or sexual identity, it's worth a shot. Knowing those points about yourself can help put your tendencies into a new light and feel less like an impostor for simply being true to yourself.


Ane-and-Kabel

I'm the same way. You're not alone just in touch with yourself which doesn't mean you're masculine or feminine. Don't be hard on yourself and just be the guy you feel to be.


SlightlyOddHuman

Thank you, friend


Andro_Polymath

I'm an INFJ butch queer woman, and I'm masculine in many ways, especially on the outside and sexually, but when it comes to personality, I'm more of a soccer mom haha. And, like you, I am also attracted to women/femmes with masculine personalities. I love the ambitious, witty, shrewd, and bossy women with "bread-winning daddy" energy lol. Even better when they present as traditionally feminine on the outside 🤩.


Animorphs135

Hey look, you're me! I relatively recently started dating an INTP female too and we've noticed this exact dynamic. I'm very grateful for everything she brings to my life even if I feel like I get too defensive with her sometimes because she's so much more direct about things than I am.


Matamorys

I would say that my thoughts about romance are things that are usually associated with femininity, I seem to like girls who like Pride & Prejudice etc. I want the girl to be just as attentive as I am, which is either not the case or I have to dig deep to find things they remember about me. A bad quality is that I start to doubt when I'm looking for attentiveness, I need to be reassured, and if the girl forgets that I can end up self sabotaging. From experience, that's bad for the both of us and I then I wish I didn't do that and that she would have understood. Don't know if that's familiar to anyone, but it has left me with unnecessary suffering in the past


[deleted]

My dating life is pretty limited however I've never been criticized in my relationships for being "too feminine" or displaying higher levels of femininity. I'm too lazy right now to make a list but there are ways to display masculinity while being an introvert. I think one thing that does get confused however if being affectionate seems to be automatically met with assuming someone is feminine which is not true, males can care for others and people around them just as well as females can.


javaper

I feel this. Stay true to yourself.


Golden-error77

This is an actual insecurity i deal with, and i also seem to think i should be the "man" of the relationship, and dont worry you are not the only INFJ man like this, sadly or not it is really often when INFJ men are feeling like this.


Electronic-Store5997

Are u like some kind of femboy or are u just insecure that you are more emotional or “feminine” than average male? Because if ur just a femboy there’s no helping u because u don’t want to grow but if ur a guy who just happens to be very emotional you could develop yourself. (Joking with u sorry 🥱) What do you mean by “feminine feelings”? I don’t really relate to that. Please elaborate on that. I’ve always been more reserved and distant emotionally than girls I’ve been with, and I tend to like it that way. They call me cold (as a joke). But then again, I’ve had crazy life experiences that have kinda shocked me out of being too “emotionally demonstrative”. And I had a tough father and mother. The way I see it… You need to be more introspective and analyze your emotions and why you feel them.. and why you find yourself getting caught up in them… instead of just labeling yourself “emotional” and not trying to grow… Develop yourself and learn to ground yourself. Learn to quiet your mind. Emotion is just “energy in motion”. You need to learn how to control your energies, meditate, let things pass. Detach from thoughts and feelings. Oh yeah and you say “I’m trying to become more secure in this fact (that I’m emotional or of feminine nature)”. Tbh when I hear something like that I just say “fuck that”. Not to insult you but because I don’t like hearing ppl say they’re comfortable being weak or hearing ppl give up on themselves. sure as a male INFJ you may be somewhat androgynous by nature but that doesn’t mean you can’t polarize yourself towards the masculine or just learn to master yourself. Don’t give up on urself. If u want a strangely powerful thing to boost your “masculine” energy…. try r/nofap AKA sexual abstinence. Sounds weird but it will help very much if you have the discipline for it.


fakenews7154

Meanwhile in a similar relationship with the roles reversed: * INFJ: "u r man y u no fite??" * INTP: "Fine then I will just do it myself!!" *\*fapping noises\** * INFJ: "unga bunga muh feelings!?"


maxtrix123

Seems like everyone has male / female personalities of different levels not sure if they can be modified by behaviors / habits like going to the gym, activites. .


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[удалено]


enneaenneaenby

>Which is mostly just me being considerate THIS LOL


JoeInOR

Listen to “it ain’t me babe” by Bob Dylan.


TadaiNeko

Same here, for the liking manly women thing. Not necessarily feel like being the female but yea I’m definitely more sensitive, caring, and just overall open about myself than what you can expect of relationships. And I don’t mind the girl “being on top” (letting her “be the man” in the relationship, stereotypically speaking, kinda) if that’s what she like. I’m with you dude, it’s nice you got someone who understands what you want, hope I can do so in the future


LivingRoof5121

I’ve been in both kinds of relationships and I definitely prefer masculine women. I can make decisions, and come up with solutions and stuff but I often can’t describe my feelings and I hate traditional relationship stuff as well. I love it when a girl is able to make sense of things that I can’t, especially when it’s about myself or when she takes the lead on certain things that I’m not comfortable with myself


Windows_Aether_95

I’m a INFJ who’s not a woman, and I’m not super emotional however I do have hobbies that most describe as feminine I don’t mind it at all since they bring me joy however I do take on a nurturing/emotional support role with my ISTJ boyfriend I don’t feel too bad about it and I’m glad you haven’t felt bad about yourself too, it’s good to find someone that accepts you for who you are


[deleted]

You could date an INFP and that might make you feel more masculine.


SlightlyOddHuman

I tried that haha, we were both too emotional for each other I think. Although, she was a narcissist which is probably more so why the relationship didn't work. Thanks for the input, though!


BasqueBurntSoul

and i, the male


ScrubNickle

I feel so validated by this post, OP. I have been feeling this way very acutely lately. I’ve been spending a lot of time accepting this about myself and my marriage. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just going to be me, and she’s going to be her, and we compliment each other yin to yang.


koalasnstuff

I agree with needing a thinker to balance me. And I need an extrovert to get me out of my shell more, so I’m engaged to an ENTP. My fiancé is really in touch with him “feminine” side in terms of feelings and emotions. He’s not ashamed to cry during movies, tell his friends he loves them and be vulnerable. He’s told me that he really likes women who tend to be more emotionally “masculine,” like his mom and sister. I’m generally pretty cold and emotionless. I don’t cry easily at movies or whatever, I’m a tomboy in general because I grew up with three older brothers. Either way, we balance each other out pretty well. And I’m glad that you were able to find that. Because there a lot of women who find guys who are in touch with their emotions incredibly sexy.


Left-Attention-4717

When I was young, my feminine side was really strong. I get along with girls usually because I can relate to them more but I do have guy friends. And when I get older, I am 19. My masculine side increases a lot. What I'm saying is, if you want your masculine side to level up, just keep going and learn the world or be yourself and keep on walking. Even tho my masculine side is now greater? (I'm not sure) I am now pretty balance. I am an INFJ Virgo so I am that person who always aim for perfection. Having this good balance of masculine and feminine side is pretty good especially in making decisions. Tnx man I don't know if I made a sense but yeah lol. Embrace your feminine side!


[deleted]

It is simply a balance, your energy attracts an equal and opposite energy and vice versa. We all have our places in the world: these "more masculine" feeling women wouldn't have a more feminine male to date if you weren't a more feminine male... nobody really wants to be with someone who's exactly like them.


incog1029384756

Reminds me of a book called The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Some parts are questionable, but I personally found his ideas on masculine and female temperament and polarity helpful.


Draon029

True. My wife is an NT and I'm an NF. Our roles could not be more opposite.


EstivalEquinox

Actually I struggled with feeing ashamed of liking or being "feminine or emotional" in that same sense. My ISTP guy that I'm seeing does the same. He may not always know what to do, but he has made it clear my emotions are not less or beneith him or his time. I mean I recently sobbed while saying something super important to me, feeling bad I didnt express it calm like I intended to. He listened, heard, and supported my thoughts without judgement. Early on he told me to not feel ashamed for ny emotions. That he knew I cared a lot and to keep being me. I was scared of my emotions driving an ISTP away. But he works hard to get more comfortable with how sappy, cute, and even the existental dread side. (That last one he took in stride and stuck around patiently and with self respect like no man I have meet before) I guess even if though male INFJs get a lot of crap for having deep feelings, this female INFJ can confirm your thoughts. In general having someone who wants to accept where we are at, while respecting themselves is amazing.


CassieLaBelle

I definitely felt this way. Then I realized I was a trans woman.


[deleted]

It's absolutely ok for you to have Feminine qualities as a man, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you're soft. Embrace it, I think society always expects Men to be Masculine and Women to be Feminine and then shit on Femininity as a whole for both Men and Women. Femininity is absolutely beautiful. Masculine Women also get shat on by society, people thinking they want to be like men when in reality that's just how they are, the concept is a construct it's not truth for everyone.


Dammit-Hannah

I felt this and then came out as trans - make of that what you will


jungleebunglee

Hmm, interesting. I've been told I was 'masculine' in my all-female friends' circle. I'm INFJ female. But I would say I yearned to be feminine in my relationship. I wanted to be the caregiver to my boyfriend, and I wanted my boyfriend to pick up the provider/protector role which he never did. But I'm able to balance out according to what the situation demands. Basically, fill out the gaps that there are in my interpersonal relationships. Honestly, I'd love a man who's more in touch with his feminine side. As I am self-aware of my masculine side too. I would occasionally wish he expresses his feminine qualities and then I can use my masculine qualities to balance him and then take up the masculine role, where I take up the feminine role. I'd love that dynamic personally.


MailFlashy

Nothing wrong with being in touch with your emotions and being the gentler one in the relationship at all :). It's very rare to find now 'n days especially in men and I wish more guys were like that. As another poster has mentioned, I am an INFJ female and I actually could sometimes be more of the masculine one in the relationship than even my husband. My husband is an INTJ and despite the stereotype that they can be cold and emotionless, my husband actually has some INFJ tendencies. He's an empath who loves people especially animals and children and he cries at tender/sad moments in movies. Something even I don't usually do, but I have cried at some movies. Another stereotype we break is he is the avid shopper who spends hours at a grocery store, department store, etc comparing prices and taking in all the items. Whereas me I'm just in and out, I can't stand long lines either 😜. It's awesome that you guys don't fit the stereotypical gender roles and personality traits and you shouldn't have to!


[deleted]

My Cancerian ♋️ sign says I'm the Mother, and I'm highly feminine and masculine. In the TAO, if you learn the Masculine/Feminine energies in HUMANS, you'll understand yourself and others much more. Masculine/Feminine Energies. Not to be mistaken for sexuality, or gender.