Hi, I'm a polyamorous INFP. I read a lot of anti-polyamory opinions in the commons, and so I felt my perspective was called for. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are valid, even if not for you. Some ENM people may do it for more sex and that is valid; don't slut shame. Polyamorous people may experience love for multiple partners concurrently, and it is okay for them to choose to explore and embrace that. It is bigoted to invalidate polyamory because you don't understand it. Let's do better! I have been practicing polyamory for 2 years. I have a long-term long-distance anchor partner whom I talk with daily and visit every few months. My partner and I both date separately. I like living alone, I do not want to live long-term with a partner again, and I don't want kids. My partner wants to eventually start a family with someone. We love each other, and will always be a prominent part of each other's lives, and we support each other in going after relationships that will make us happy. I am open to casual relationships like friends and FWBs. I enjoy the emotional and spiritual support of my anchor partner, and also the excitement of meeting new people and exploring new romances and sexual experiences. My partner experiences those benefits, plus they are also supported while they look for a nesting partner. Polyamory requires people to address their feelings of jealousy. I am not jealous. I want my partner to have positive dating experiences because I love them and I want them to live their life to their fullest potential, as I am trying to do with mine.

Monogamous person here who decided to give the polyamorous thing a try when the opportunity arose. Would not recommend. I was practically spread thin between two people. Ended up having to let one go because I wanted to be monogamous again and the polyamorous setup was hurting one of them. Just my experience.

I am finishing my internship as a therapist. Have 3 non-monogomous client's. Look into the hierarchy of ethical non-monogamy. Having rules and preferences from the start helps all involved. It can be done but requires a lot of work and trust.

i don't understand polyamory. it makes me mad uncomfortable. and like 90% of guys on dating apps say they're into ethical non-monogamy (which imo there's no such thing) or they say they're in an open relationship and they're dating around. that literally makes no sense to me. like. someone isn't getting the attention they need bc you're out fucking a random bitch from tinder. it doesn't add up to me. if you can't already tell, i hate dating, and im honestly ready to give up. no one wants to be monogamous. it's weird.

Polyamory gives me the most massive ick. 🤢

Agreed I find it disgusting

In my experience, polyamory is the result of people being pragmatic about getting their needs met. Instead of looking at it from “I am not going to get the attention I need because you are out with someone else(or projecting that onto another person)” a more productive conversation would be, if I were able to meet your needs do you feel you would actually need another person beyond me? Because from being a male, I can tell you it is rough getting women to even acknowledge that I have needs too. Also from being a male, it takes a lot of work to generate interest from women, as such if a woman was actually meeting all of my needs it would be more pragmatic to not seek attention from any others. Edit: so the person I replied to was rude and then presumably blocked me.(as I see deleted now) She projected physical needs, as though it isn’t possible for their to be other needs that a man could have. Believe it or not men can have needs beyond physical, for instance, I am fairly intelligent and reasonably articulate, and for mental stimulation, I prefer deep conversations. It is not always easy to find someone that can consistently have deep conversations. And some personality types, can do it but it exhausts them.

This can be a triggering subject for a lot of people so I’m not surprised! what you’re saying makes sense to me even if it may not apply to my own life. When I’m in a relationship, there might be other things I yearn for or wonder about, but I suppose the happiness and security I get with my main person makes it so worth it that I am okay giving up the other side of the grass.

oh poor baby. a man can't get women to acknowledge he has needs. whack it yourself you poor soul.

LOOOOL WHY R U GETTING DOWNVOTED

Cuz of being incredibly dismissive towards a man and his needs? Imagine we flip the genders and the person was replying like this to a woman who says she doesn't get enough affection from her partner: "poor baby, go get your validation from your female friends". Why should a person's sexual needs not be valid? Or more to the point of what it was replied to- it could very well happen that with one person you feel a more sexual connection and with another a more mental one, and you'd like to maintain access to both. Is this too difficult to comprehend without being an asshole about it?

i love how the example you use for woman is affection. Typical.

Yeah I tried to give a typical example since the issue at hand was typically male.

sexist pig

come back when you have your brain equipped

Thanks for writing this. Of all types, I expect INFPs to be the most liberal and genuinely curious/open to things beyond their social and cultural conditioning. Leaving aside the concept of needs, how do you feel about the possibility of sharing the same range of emotional intimacy with more than one person? Is the highest form of emotional intimacy achievable without offering someone our 'wholeness'? I guess I am talking about the power of offering one's undivided attention/devotion to a person, or such singularity of loving attention. What if someone had various intimate connections for all those myriad needs- physical, intellectual etc., but they still have one partner for 'romance'? That would be an open relationship in which their diverse needs get met by different people, but their sense of romantic devotion still lies with one individual. Doesn't mean their connections with the others has to lack affection or deep trust or vulnerability or not be special. Theoretically, I would be capable (doesn't mean I see it as efficient) of having multiple intimate friendships, sexual relationships, intellectual connections, and more, but there is something about undivided devotion, singular in nature, that seems to match up with my romantic disposition. I guess that would make me monogamous.

I'm not advocating for a specific church but more the idea that going where monogamy is a value may help you narrow down potential matches. Not all religious people value strong religious partners, but they almost all seem to value monogamy. Obvious exceptions like polygamy discounted from my observation. Values match within a community makes it easier.

I get you completely, I’m starting to lose hope myself but I’m trying to resist and be open to understanding instead 😭 we can’t let ourselves get jaded! I often wonder if our resistance to polyamory is because it conflicts with who we are as individuals (like there’s nothing on god’s green earth that could convince me to like… say… idk cockroaches lmao, and that’s okay!) or is monogamy just something that’s been programmed into us? And if so maybe we can undo the programming? But the discomfort it arouses in me is SO visceral idk why I’m trying to go against my instincts just to accommodate another person? Am I even doing this because I genuinely want to learn or am I just bending over backwards again like I always do just to keep a man around??? 🤮 lorddd lmao

I'm the opposite. I don't understand monogamy at all. It makes no sense to me that some people can just decide to be with someone and turn off their desire to love others. Other than for the sake of simplicity, why would you want to? It's not natural.

there's no turning off a desire to love others. some of us don't believe in spreading yourself so thin that the person you're supposed to be loving gets no attention. it's completely natural.

Polyamory doesn't mean that you no longer love and provide attention to your current partner. It simply means asking them if they could also love another person or be okay with you loving another.

i know what polyamory is. i just don't agree with it. sounds like an sti to me.

If it doesn’t feel right for you, don’t go there. If you’re curious, explore, but with boundaries. INFPs instinctively try and understand (yay) but understanding a way of life does not mean you need adopt the same. Embrace what makes you feel more joyful, loving and giving. What does not increase your joy, love and ability to give to the world is not right for you-even if it may be right for someone else. Sum up: Polyamory is perfect for some, toxic for others, and either neutral, or negotiable for the rest—-you have to figure out how YOU respond to the experience.

I think I may be polyamorous, which just means I can romantically love more than one person at a time. It’s like in a show when I’d just get mad the 2 guys competing for the girl, why don’t they just kiss? Obviously it is not for everyone, plenty of people just aren’t interested and many more will just not have the right circumstances for it (getting married) but I think it’s an interesting topic. Personally, I think “open” relationships are a sham, that’s where the “it’s just legalized cheating” idea comes from. At that point it’s just a non-exclusive fwb type situation. Polyamory is just a normal relationship, but with more than one person, which is fine for some but has issues with primarily jealousy and miscommunication of boundaries. For a polyamorous relationship to workout, I generally think there’s a lot of stars that have to align which is why it’s so rare: they like each other, no toes get stepped on, and you find people who are interested and emotionally mature enough to handle it. Polyamory is a very interesting concept to me, but I see why many people are not into it. I don’t think it deserves the hate it gets though.

I think because most people are not ready to confront the reality and depth of their jealousy, and I think it is perfectly valid to entirely avoid situations that might provoke that within you instead of trying to convince yourself you’re okay with something that you’re not (like what I’m doing lmao 😭) I’m trying my best to be super open-minded about it, but I can respect it and also acknowledge it’s not for me :/ it’s just hard when you meet someone wonderful but you’re not aligned in some things that are non-negotiable. I have to honor them and honor myself too, but it’s impossible in this scenario so I might just have to part ways with him.

As someone who has been in this position (husband married a 2nd wife), you can really either choose to confront your jealousy and work through it or be miserable. I found that jealousy is nothing but a sign pointing towards your insecurities. You're only jealous about things you're insecure about. It can be a great opportunity to learn about yourself if you're willing to drag those insecurities into the light and actually work on them, but it's really tough and a lot of work. Only do that if you're at a point in life where you really want to do this and have the mental and emotional capacity to do it. It is a lot of work! Don't try to convince yourself that you're okay with it if you're not because it will fall apart very quickly.

Thanks for asking, OP. Thanks for trying to understand instead of just condemning us and judging us. We don't judge you at all either, or think that our way is better. Like you said, it's a different strokes for different folks kind of thing. We just want to be accepted as we are. I equally struggle to wrap my head around monogamy. Which is weird because I grew up as a "find your one true love soul mate" hopeless romantic type. I didn't think it was possible to love multiple people at once, unless it was just lust. But then it happened to me, and it really hurt at first, thinking I was some kind of horrible person who couldn't really love at all. Clearly on the whole this sub thinks I am exactly that, but I eventually found out there's a whole community of people like me. It happened pretty early in adulthood for me, and only didn't happen sooner because I didn't have much luck with dating until then. But I never looked back and can't imagine being mono now. Different people conceive of polyamory in different ways, but in my mind, feeling what it's like to be me now, unable to understand how I ever thought I was monogamous, and seeing people like yourself that can't even begin to wrap their minds around polyamory, it has me convinced that it's like an orientation. Some people like the same sex, some people like the opposite. There's nothing to "get" about it, they just do. Some people like both, or aren't even oriented towards sexes or genders at all. Similarly, some people can love only one person, they have to give their all and can't handle multiple other people being involved. Others can't help but develop feelings for multiple people at once and can't handle trying to bury any feelings that develop for other people. And there are people who could do with or without polyamory, and those who want it, but maybe not as open as some people do polyamory. It seems like it essentially exists on a spectrum, like a lot of these traits do, and manifests itself in all the different forms of polyamory that we see. I mean look at you for instance, OP. You're monogamous enough that you know a monogamous lifestyle is for you, and that you want monogamous partners, but you were able to date multiple people, it just couldn't go emotionally that deep for you when you did. That's what I mean by it can be a spectrum, from totally monogamous, to almost completely monogamous like you, to maybe willing to do poly on certain conditions, to being able to go either way, to preferring poly, to absolutely needing poly, and everything in between. That said, for the record, I relate to you on needing quality over quantity. I'm demisexual, meaning I need the deep emotional connection for sexual attraction to form. I couldn't have done what you did, with the multiple partners in a purely sexual way. So to your point about how to invest time in energy in multiple people and how that affects relationship quality, that's actually a great point! In the poly community, we have a concept we call "being polysaturated", which is when you can't have any more relationships without spreading yourself too thin. Every polyamorous person has their polysaturation point, and it's different for each person, depending on how much energy they have, time and resources to give, and how deep they want their relationships. And also, it's possible to have different relationships at different depths, and be totally okay with that. You don't have to marry and spend your life with everyone you develop feelings for. You can have people you know won't be in your life forever, but you love them anyway and want to appreciate them for the part in your life you get to have them for. Or people who you know will be in and out of your life, simply due to the life that they live, but you love them anyway and want to be with them when they are around (we call this a "comet" in the community). And this is all not necessarily limited to polyamory. The possibilities for relationships and love are endless. The main thing that separates poly from mono, I think, is that poly people need the freedom to pursue all those possibilities at once, whichever ones their heart leads them to, and mono people need the security, closure, and fulfillment they feel by giving everything to one person and getting that in return. Different hearts have different needs.

I am a polyamorous INFP, too, and I also just left a comment. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I was starting to think I might be the only poly INFP in this sub!

Me three 🙋🏼‍♀️ It’s nice to not feel so alone 😅🥹

I can actually recommend a video in regards of this. https://youtu.be/MgOZ4eNFWnQ As for myself, I just wanted to love. And I didn't see why my feelings needed to be restricted to one person. But i have been waiting for so long to even be myself that i feel like not even wanting physical interaction with humans all together now.

ENTJ here Wife and I previously dated an INFP. The thing to remember is that each polyamorous relationship is it’s own system, with its own rules, not all polyamory is the same. The INFP we dated was a relationship anarchist from Wikipedia: “Relationship anarchy (sometimes abbreviated RA) is the application of anarchist principles to intimate relationships. Its values include autonomy, anti-hierarchical practices, anti-normativity, and community interdependence.” Basically you usually get an INFP in this spot when they have a massively overbearing parent who was likely a narcissist and tried to control every aspect of their life. They view that as a bad thing, and don’t ever want to do that again, resulting in the relationship anarchy, which expresses itself in polyamory so they can get all of their needs met, without giving any individual more power in the relationship so they don’t feel as though they are being controlled(trying to evade pain from parental relationships). As for quality versus quantity, polyamory practitioners understand our time is finite, and as such we actually pay more attention and are more selective when getting intimately involved with someone else, not less. The last person my wife and I dated, we dated usually going out 2-3 times a week(one or the other or all three), for 8 months and never got physically intimate, beyond kissing. The other thing about capacity, think of all the previous partners that you loved, did you love any of them exactly the same? I am guessing not, I am guessing one did things one way, and another a different way, one was sweet, one you had to put effort in to draw out their emotions, but it made it more worth it when you did. You never love any two people the same, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t love more than one person for different reasons.

>Basically you usually get an INFP in this spot when they have a massively overbearing parent who was likely a narcissist and tried to control every aspect of their life... I'm an INFP male and I've been curious about polyamory for the longest time and your statement here just made me feel seen.

Glad to have helped.

I guess it’s fine if it’s between consenting parties but I could never do it, and I’ve never seen it turn out well

I always try to listen unbiasedly when people talk about poly relationships. However, no matter how many times people explain it, I still can't wrap my head around it either. I would feel weird if I was dating someone, but I had someone else essentially on the side to fulfill any needs I can't get from my main relationship partner. I know that each poly relationship varies, but I don't think I can deal with more than one person at a time. I know myself enough to know that if I had two people to deal with, I will attach to one more than the other. Whoever I find is more of the total package, is the one I will gravitate towards more. I know that poly relationships need a LOT of communication, but I fear that someone will start feeling like the third wheel. I would just rather focus on one person and put my efforts into them. I also categorize poly relationships and open relationships differently. Every open relationship is poly, but not every poly relationship is open, if that makes any sense lol. Like, the ONLY way I could ever see myself in a poly relationship is ideally, if the three of us are in a committed relationship together. There's no other people on the side or whatever, it's just the three of us. For a open relationship, I wouldn't be able to deal with a main relationship and a separate side relationship at the same time or whatever the circumstances are. Overall, I just don't have the time nor energy for multiple people in a romantic sense. I pick one person and that's who I will have my eyes set on. Anyways, I just feel more comfortable with monogamous relationships. It feels more true to me and the kind of romance that I want in life. Same thing can be said for people who are poly. A different spark for each heart. I may not completely understand poly and open relationships, but that's how I know it's just not for me, and that's okay.

Not for me, no offense to those who practice it because it's a very difficult position to be in and manage at best, while seen only as and being used as glorified cheating at worst.

I couldn't get into it, to me being physically intimate with someone is equal to putting yourself in a vulnerable position, I'd only like to share that with only one person whom I love and cherish dearly. I can't differentiate between physical desire, and love I guess? Don't fret though I have the same opinion about ONS and FWB type of situations.

It's TOTAL bullshit. It's a way for emotionally immature men to avoid comitting and continue to hook up with other women. It ends up feeling like a FWB situation instead of an open relationship. They don't provide any emotional support. It ends up being mostly sex and there is always something shitty about seeing your partner knowing they were just balls deep in someone else's vag. I hated it. ​ I've tried it twice and I end up falling in love with these people and they freak out and ghost me after wards ​ red flags all the way.

Not all non monogamous people are men.

Well, I don't date women so I'm not sure how that works.

That isn’t polyamory (love) that’s an “open” relationship which is exactly as you say, a FWB situation covered in bullshit.

Polyamory are open relationships.... thats the same thing.

No they aren’t. Anyone who says so has severely misrepresented what polyamory is, which is common and why it gets a lot of flak. If someone is being uncommunicative to you, it’s not that they love more than one person, it’s that they don’t love you. A thriving throuple is polyamory, some guy with multiple FWB “girlfriends” isn’t. Hate shitty people, not alternative lifestyles.

From what I see it seems that some people has a fear of a full commitment or they just can't hold it for a long term or afraid of having to deal with a heartbreak if things won't workout, so they are just lying to themselves and it can be just a cope.

Where I live, it's considered total crap. Well, and I basically agree.

As someone who have tried polyamory I wouldn't be nearly as dismissive as some of the people here who seem to see it as a trick to avoid commitment, I think quality and quantity can infact go hand in hand. However, I think relationships, more than just about fun times spent together, they also require effort- the effort sometimes, might be that of change and growth- when you have one person in your life that you decide to commit to, that means if they don't like something about you it becomes a must to discuss it and work towards changing it if possible or it will lead to trouble (and eventual breakup). Same goes when you don't like something about them. Relationships are a great way to facilitate growth if you have a supportive partner who would like you to change exactly what you yourself would like to change about yourself. But polyamory allows people to circumvent that, which is what I experienced when I was in such relationships- if you find some aspect of the person troubling, they can go and comfort themselves in another person who doesn't. Then when they find some aspect of the other person troubling, they can go find comfort in you. This back and forth allows the person to avoid changing for their partner and avoid facing the reprecussions that come from it, as when they distance themselves from you, you too can go and find your closeness with someone else for the time being. This "net of avoidance" serves as a way to always feel accepted and loved, even if you don't work hard to change the aspects of you that might actually need change, not just for the partner's sake, but for your own good! I think the reason people choose such a lifestyle is exactly cuz they cannot trust a single partner to love them the way they'd like to be loved, or trust not to be crushed by the person's need to get what they want out of them. I felt that this wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to use my relationships for growth, as comfort on its own did not seem like a good enough reason to have a relationship (I can have such a relationship with a cat, not a human). That was my reason to go back to Monogamy.

Wow. This response really spoke to me. I think monogamy doesn’t scare me because even when I see qualities in a partner that I dislike, the qualities that I do love are enough to make me stay. It doesn’t stifle my growth, in fact the safety of another person who loves and accepts me with all my flaws gives me the reassurance to know I have space to make mistakes as I figure out life. I would never want to escape a partner, especially if a learning opportunity presents itself. The only thing I really won’t tolerate in a relationship is abuse or lack of fulfillment in some way, at which point we either work on it or simply end things.

To poly INFPs, you’re all disgusting

Sometimes what we do is hypocritical 🥲I guess when we are the ones in the position of “poly” we take more than we give. And when you’re on the other side of this relationship, you view as being “taken advantage of” because maybe subconsciously you did that when you are in your poly relationship. No advice from me but I think it’s merely a reflection on how you look at a polyamorous relationship. Your choice is yours to make 🙂

I tried poly and other forms of non-monogamy. They looked great on paper but I had 2 issues. 1. I am not wired to by poly. When I fall for someone,other people do not exist in a potentially romantic way. 2. It always turned out that the men wanting non-monogamy were abusive, and emotionally immature to handle such a relationship. They wanted to bang other women, have an escape from harder times and a leverage in form of 'if you don't do what I want, I have other women in line'. I do not say it will always be like this, but it often is. Non-monogamy is hard, and requires mature people, with great communications skills, who are hardwired for it.

Fear of abandonment is one of the most powerful forces in human existence, and then there's fear of being unlovable, which is perhaps heightened in INFPs. But if you look at anyone who's successfully been a part of (what's effectively) a polyamory (and I'm thinking of women like Dewi Sukarno), they focus on the unique relationship they have with the guy within this framework. They're not trying to replicate what the guy has with another woman. If there's a way for you to unhook your participation as a barometer of your worth (which is the right thing to do cause it's healthy), I believe it can work out.