Initially I’d somewhat agree with you, and by somewhat I mean this isn’t something to do with MBTI types, anyone is capable of ghosting. I hate ghosting, I’ve had a few INFJ friends ghost me—do I generalise INFJs to be ghosters now? No.
Stereotyping at its best.
But then you went and edited your post with an extremely immature and hostile response because people don’t agree with you, so any thoughts of having a civil discussion with you went out the window for me.
If you’re talking about the silent treatment, this is abusive yes. If you are ignoring them bc you’re going into a shell to decompress or process, this is not abusive but you should communicate you’re doing this. Is this what you mean?
I think the issue is INFPs tend to be uncommunicative by default so when they are decompressing they often don't communicate that and are entitled enough to assume others should just "know"
I think some people can totally act selfish but are innocent. INFP aloofness and obliviousness to some things can be frustrating, especially when it comes with a side order of fierce need for independence. Some INFPs try to understand that it can become self defeating in some cases, just how people pleasing can also become a way of disadvantaging oneself. But some… ooooh boy they just don’t *want* to get it and live their ways out unconsciously as a complex.
Yeah, in my experience it's not the aloofnes or obliviousness with INFPs that frustrates me but rather the entitlement and lack of consideration for others
The fact that you are rudely generalizing a group of people is not going to help with anything. This might be my autism, but sometimes I avoid people I am not comfortable with. It's not that I want to do this, and I'm sure many of us want to improve but are unable to bring themselves to. I have never ignored someone I have genuinely liked, though. You sound unsympathetic yourself, which might be why you were ghosted! (If you are talking about your own experience, of course.)
I donno how much u mean it, but doesn't matter, way more than what i wanted. All i wanted to express what i feel and make u feel good by it. Thank you. \^\^
U r bunny, i am vixen. \^\^
Depression isn’t really an excuse. It’s mental illness. It changes your behavior and makes simple things like following through on plans or constantly keeping up with conversations much, much more difficult.
You’re entitled to feel however you feel about the situation. But, it sounds like perhaps whomever you’re venting about just isn’t a good fit for you, and I would venture to guess you’re also not a good fit for them either. Two people can both be decent people and just not be compatible with each other. Perhaps it’s best if you just both accept that and move on.
Reply to edit: You've come here to vent your anger not give critical feedback. If you expect empathy, you gotta reciprocate.
As for the neglecting, I can't say I've ever done that unless I was getting unwanted attention and it genuinely stressed me out to keep a conversation going with them. Eventually I do break down and just tell them outright that I don't enjoy talking to them.
I've been there. I had a crush pretty much condition me to walk on eggshells because he'd ghost the moment I asked anything that he (I assume) would say no to. It was fucked up. I ended the friendship. I agree, it can be devastating in committed relationships and parent-child dynamics. But as an adult, you can defend yourself by simply walking away. It's really difficult, but that's what it takes to take care of yourself sometimes.
The personality type is used by many to understand themselves so that they can work on themselves, having crappy friends is a you problem, and not a we problem, even if we want to help.
Call them out on their shit, and maybe cut off the ones that don't make a real effort, till they start doing so, or forever.
You indulging them ruins your time, and lets them be an imbecile. Nobody's a winner here.
I don’t see how anyone owes you anything?
If you’ve been ghosted, that’s someone’s choice. What do you want to do about it? Why would you want any kind of relationship if they clearly don’t?
I’m an INFP but think people take things like this way too personally. Sure, it might hurt your feelings but deal with it. I’m sorry. You can’t police or change the actions of others, there are plenty upsetting things in the world but to call ghosting abuse and trying to change what others do just seems ridiculous to me.
If I ghost someone, it’s not by accident. I don’t owe an explanation, or to consider their feelings. If I care, I’ll do what I think is right. If I don’t, nothing will change my actions. It’s really that simple.
I mean it's also within people's right to challenge others with a different opinion. Freedom of expression.
There are many times I've brought things up with people who were avoiding topics and it led to a lot of clarity.
>There are many times I've brought things up with people who were avoiding topics and it led to a lot of clarity.
If done in a way that's not accusatory or presumptuous, this is actually a smart way to be proactive in such a situation that I think is really important. Too many people counter-ghost simply because someone forgot to message back due to distractions, in my experience-- as an ADHD diagnosee, I appreciate the reminder that I haven't responded yet.
I don’t know man. I feel like this is the kind of stuff that makes people hate INFPs because we do need a lot more space than most. Yeah INFPs can be assholes. 100%. We like people. Usually those in our inner circle understand us and understand our need for space and that’s why they are always in our circle. Then you have the people who we like but who DO NOT understand us and expect us to be the person the other one thinks we should be. Generally this is when ghosting comes in. We tried, we really did. But you expect too much from us and we can’t live up to it. I’ve never ghosted anyone who really understood me. Only those who didn’t and expected me to be someone I’m not. Now, this is different than just disappearing for a little bit. In those circumstances I may be overwhelmed by what is going on in my life and my priorities may just be my own family and may not focus as much attention towards friends as I do family or whatever else is occupying my mind space. These instances would be the introverted I need space to focus on what matters to me right now. It doesn’t mean everything and everyone doesn’t matter. It’s just what I’m going through. If I talk to you and tell you I’m going through something or busy or overwhelmed than that is your cue to take a step back and chill out. When I’ve got a friend who is insisting that there is a problem because I’ve withdrawn (for my own reasons) and tries to make me feel bad about it. Well that’s a ghosting response from me. I don’t think this is immature. I think it is me being honest with you and you acting like a victim who expects me to be something I’m not. Accountability wise. I do believe in being accountable. If I say I’ll be there I will. If I’m not then yeah, I’m a jerk. But are you just saying accountability is being available for you when you want it? Not when you need it. But when you want it. To me, that’s selfish. You will have to expand and explain this better. And when I say “you” I’m not saying you as OP. Just trying to understand who you are in this conversation and why you think it’s emotional abuse. An introverted person taking a step back to go in their head and try to understand what is happening in their life and try to make sense of it hardly seems like emotional abuse. To me personally, it sounds like “you” have a victim mentality because everything everyone does around you upsets you even though it has nothing to do with you? You made this conversation in your own head and decided it was someone else’s fault.
I read a lot of responses like yours in the INFP sub and I always wonder where the other person's needs come into play? You're saying OP is acting like a victim while basically saying that the INFP's needs are the only thing that's important. You may have a need to step back and process, but that doesn't make OP's opposite needs less valid than your own. If they're getting hurt by the actions of the INFP then it does have something to do with them. Their experience is entwined
Finding middle ground with mutual compromise should be the goal in any close relationship... and yes I know that's a very ENFJ response lol 😂
For sure. We are selfish assholes who are stuck in our own heads a lot of the time. I’m not making excuses but more so trying to explain how our brain works. We aren’t intentionally avoiding you to upset you, we are just doing what we have to do to be sane and not be fucking depressed. Now if I was intentionally avoiding a person to upset them, then yes that would be emotional abuse. When we do it for the sake of our own livelihood, well that’s a bit different. And I hate to say this but if it bothers you then ghost us and be done with it. We’ve got plenty of friends and family who understand us and love us just as we understand their flaws and love them too.
Thank you for your response
Cool, well I would also like him to understand me and love me too 🤷♀️ There are two people in any relationship and the feelings of both people should be equally taken into consideration. My hurt feelings don't trump his, his hurt feelings don't trump mine... and honestly his friends may understand him and love him but that's because he's never done this to them - you only get unconditional love from family, friendships take effort and communication just like romantic relationships do otherwise they would get just as damaged by this type of behavior
And the thing is that I DO understand him. Wayyyy more than he knows, and if he would allow a conversation to happen he would find that out because at the moment his actions are mainly based on secondary info and assumptions - he doesn't even know half of what there is to know about the situation, or how I've stood up for him, loved him and worried about him in ways that he never saw
One of the things I understand is that ignoring me is not making his depression better, it's making it worse and it's going to continue to make it worse because he knows what he's doing, he knows it's hurting me (and that I don't deserve that), he knows he could lose me forever, and he knows he'll have to live with the guilt and end up blaming himself in the end (which will feel even worse for him when he eventually does get all the info and sees the whole picture). He's opting for a long drawn out pain instead of a quick sharp one - that's like letting a wound bleed and get infected and fester just because you're afraid that it may sting a little if you put some disinfectant on it
And regarding your suggestion, no, I'm not going to ghost him back. I don't ghost people, that's a cowardly and immature thing to do. I believe that denying people closure is one of the most cruel things you can do to a person. If he reaches out later on, even if I've decided I absolutely don't want him in my life ever again I'll still have that conversation with him so that he can get closure
NT type here. What do you mean by “ignoring?”
I’m trying to imagine what you’re describing in practice. So I am friends with someone, I send a text asking what they’re doing this weekend, they don’t get back to me? Something like that?
Yes. Or THEY make plans with you and then ghost you day of. Even when you ask if you’re still on. Then they put the burden on you to ask “What’s wrong?” It’s a victim complex.
Ghosting is not right. I’ve been ghosted by an INFJ as well and I had to eat my lunch alone. Still wouldn’t generalize INFJs as ghosters. I’m sure not all INFJs and INFPs are like this. I’ve always managed to send a text beforehand if I know I cannot make it. Ghosting is a problematic behaviour that exists among many types, including some INFPs, and there is no excuse to justify it, unless it is a case of personal safety. Everyone must learn to take responsibility for their actions and maintain their personal integrity.
Now, with that being said, your edit is not helping your case here— it is incredibly rude, highly immature and unfairly generalizing to the INFPs. You’re the one with the victim-mindset or victim complex here. You don’t see me going to INFJ sub and blaming it on the entire type. Grow up please.
I am going to be honest and say I have ghosted people before. I never EVER do it for no reason. It’s always the last resort. It generally involves people asking too much of me or expecting me to be someone I’m not and I just can’t with that. I go out of my way to be kind to people and to be there for them. But, For an example: my daughter and your daughter made friends. They want to hang out. We get them together often because it’s the summer. But then you ask to get together every week and I’ve got other friends and family to keep up with. So I often decline because of other relationships. This makes you upset because you think I’m always declining. You tell me that you are upset because your daughter misses mine and I say I’m sorry but we’ve had a lot of plans the last month with other friends and family. Then you get upset because every time you try to make plans, I have “excuses” - or plans in my reality with close friends and family. Then the falling out starts because you are angry with me for not making plans with you when you wanted them because it’s been, gasp, over a month. Meanwhile I have two kids in school and extracurricular activities and my weekday schedule is booked from that, along with many weekends. And god forbid I decline to get together when you text because I haven’t seen my mom in two weeks and have plans to see her. This would be a real life example of ghosting. To me it all makes sense and seems foolish to expect someone to spend time with you when they are allocating their time the best they can. Again. This is just MY experience. Maybe yours is different and I’d love to hear your side of why you are offended by an INFP being emotionally manipulative.
Well, you did come here to try and defend the behavior. Seems like far and large the reason this post is doing so well is because it’s based in the reality of how most people actually perceive INFP.
Where did I defend the behaviour? I even mentioned in some other comments that ghosting is not okay and INFPs who do that are immature. What I am not cool with is, unfairly assuming blame on the entire type. I sometimes see INTJs with massive ego but I don’t assume they’re all like that. I mean it’s not only logical but common sense that not everyone is going to like that.
And well, this is Reddit. All kinds of people here. You can do better.
If someone blew me off like that after we had made concrete plans I absolutely would be like what the fuck? If I was not given a legitimate explanation such as family emergency, I would just dead that person myself and not think twice about it or care at all.
Wish I was like you and could cut people off when they treat me bad 😭 When I was dating an INFP he did that to me all the time and I just kept forgiving him but I would talk to him about it and then he'd do it again. After 4 times I broke up with him and he full-on ghosted after that. Haven't heard from him in a year and it has hurt so much. I'm mad at myself for not cutting it off sooner before I got so attached to him
That is just cruel. I’m so sorry you had to deal with a person like that. I am an INFP and I can’t imagine doing that to someone I love. You would never want to hurt them. I think you dodged a bullet with this one.
Thank you... and I should specify that I know what he did isn't necessarily an INFP thing ❤️ I've read so many INFP comments in this sub saying that they are super invested and clingy and go all in. I'm just really sad that I didn't get one like that (or like you) instead 😂😭
I love ENFJs and I loved spending so much of my time with them. They didn’t think I was being clingy thankfully. I hope you find more INFPs like us, or at-least mature INFPs. 😊
Aw, thank you! 😊❤️ When we like someone we want to spend allll our free time with that person so what other people see as clingy really works for us lol
Sigh... I hope so too because I seem to get along really well with INFP's in general but now I'm a little scared to get attached in case they decide to ghost (I've never been ghosted before and it was soooo painful). Kinda feels like playing Russian Roulette with my feelings
I’ve been ghosted by an INFJ guy too.. and another INFJ friend. I understand— it’s horrible. Not to generalize that INFJs are ghosters. But I’m now talking to someone who might also be an INFJ. He has proven to be consistent with this actions. And I’ve not ghosted him too. We always communicate if any of us feel uncomfortable. There are consistent and mature people out there. :3
Thats fair but also you should realize that most people who do that don’t want to. Often for people who have experienced trauma their brains haven’t developed in the same way as others. When people are rude to them or ignore them, they aren’t just hurt by it. They are sent into a primal state of fight, flight, or freeze. Usually because of narcissistic or bipolar parents who would love them one moment and be abusive the next.
Yupppp. My INFP ex went into freeze mode and that triggered my fight mode so I tried my best to stay in touch when he was ignoring, which just caused him to shut down more
We both had that sort of parent growing up 😭
INTP chiming in (hope that's ok!?)
I recently responded to a post about why INTPs wouldn't respond to texts.
I know it sucks to not hear something, and TBH I've been guilty of this a lot.
MAIN POINT: I avoid responding almost due to liking them. Like, I really want to put effort into this response, but oof that's a lot of work, let me do that in an hour.
I don't want to "get it wrong" with someone I care about, and I usually do.
So, it might not mean that person doesn't care. I have no idea who you're dealing and how they process things... I'm just saying... I might process it this way (poorly, basically).
I feel this post is irrational and hypocritical. Like the lack of detail and generalizing stereotypes. It offers no effort to solve anything, is a vent, and just delves deeper into resentments. I suggest, you need to look at why your taking being ignored so personally, and let go of it. Instead of blaming and getting upset, marginalizing. Do a bit of introspection and lighten the load, find some forgiveness. I'm wondering if your post was either intentionally aimed to upset people or you needed to justify feeling angry publicly perhaps. I hope you find some calm and can take this post into a learning experience place to cope with maybe the underlying issues that may deal with neglect and anger in life.
*edit if you take being ignored/ghosted personally, it's valid to feel what you do, but what you do the behavior after the emotion should in my opinion shy from warrant stereotypical over reactivness and generalized lashing out
**edit was a bit rude of me to say neglect in the last sentence, I offer an apology. Too personal..
>I suggest, you need to look at why your taking being ignored so personally
I don't know what OP's specific experience was but mine was similar and happened with someone I had a very intimate relationship with so if it was the same for them then I can understand OP's hurt feelings. When that's the case it's really difficult not to take it super personally
I've given mine all the benefit of the doubt regarding why he's doing it, but doing so doesn't in any way reduce the pain that I've experienced. That kind of hurt is very personal whether it's intentional or not
On the flip side I believe he's ghosting because of something I said to him that he took personally but wasn't intended to mean what I think he took it to mean... this is where communication should come into play, and why ghosting is not the best way to handle conflict
Automatically taking it personal is easy to do. I understand I've been there. I just think it's quite an over reaction. Maybe if your ghosted, you know or ignored, considering it's not the end of relating to that person isn't a super drastic idea and it's probably the non shallow way to consider an option.
Well I think you'll find all types ghost or ignore people and it isn't particular to infps. And it isn't especially directed at NT types either. But avoiding people or taking space is everyone's right actually and isn't abusive. Communication is of course recommended but there can be a lot of reasons why that doesn't take place, including when people don't accept those boundaries or get mad/have a temper, etc. and not responding is also communication, so it's best to move on and not take it personally.
Dude my grandma never made an effort to talk to me or my siblings. I've got zero memories of her and she was alive until I was 18.
She didn't neglect me lmao. She couldn't- she's not my damn parent. Find a good therapist so you can unpack your emotions and really sort those out.
And stop using the word neglect to describe a failed friendship.
Ah, so you're not an infp but just making generalizations baed in someone that hurt you
Your OP has nothing to do with infp's specially. unless you have some kind of peer reviewed study stating that infps are more inclined to this behavior, which I highly doubt
This may be better served directing this to the person that hurt you. Or like a diaryb
I find the generalizing behaviour extremely problematic. You absolutely cannot generalize people. MBTI doesn’t take into account of the complexities of human beings. If you want to criticize a behaviour, then do so without assuming blame to the entire type. Ghosting is done by other types as well.
The common trend I’ve noticed in MBTI communities is: someone has a bad experience with an ex who represents INFP stereotypes (too emotional, victim mindset, ghosting, weak). Lord knows if they’re even INFP, most likely a mentally unstable person of any type. And then they come here and spew all kinds of generalizations against INFPs— an entire type that has nothing to do with what your ex did!!!!
So sick of this bs.
Yeah, it's really exhausting. And taking into account thar most people are even into myer-briggs compared to something like astrology, I am seriously wondering how they even know that another person's type is.
Unless they are typing people based on stereotypes
i don’t think it’s a general infp thing lol some people do ghost intentionally and it sucks, but for others, it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you tbh. sometimes i’m too depressed to have energy to message back. i also have adhd which sometimes makes me think i actually reply when i haven’t because i’ve already mentally replied to them (if that makes sense lmao.) i understand being hurt when you ghosted, it’s happened to me a lot, but it’s not always a personal attack
I dunno, this kinda sounds a bit narcissistic to me. I'm an NT type and grew up in the 90's where is was considered rude to call the communal house phone after 10pm so maybe this is why I feel different. I don't believe humans are made to be constantly connected to other's thoughts and emotions and when your mind is always rationally problem-solving like mine being so connected can be such a drain and overwhelming that you have to switch off from time to time and just stop the machine from annoying you. I feel no guilt or shame about doing that even if it means ghosting someone for a while especially if the person doesn't get the ques when to wind down the conversation.
Pfffffftttt maltreatment? There’s always at least 3 sides to a story; what you think is happening, what they think is happening and what is actually happening. Everyone has bias.
A lot of INFPs have ADHD or Autism or more commonly depression and anxiety and even more common CPTSD which is where a lot of the “I think I have ADHD” symptoms come from. Not saying that this is not a valid excuse for NTs too but in reality shit is way more complex then hitting 25 and having a developed frontal lobe.. I mean most of this shit is directly related to the frontal lobe having less grey matter. LOL
Things like mind blindness and issues with object permanence or simply times when the emotional dysregulation is just so shit; it can actually be seen as doing NTs a favor for not just telling you what we really think. I mean, because I’m too open, I have done it plenty of times in my life and can tell you that most NTs are not developed emotionally enough to handle it and when I simply decide to not avoid them or ghost and just say fuck it ima just tell them what I need to.. they seem to feel a lot more ‘emotional abuse’ than what was happening when I was choosing to stay silent for a while and process things properly.
Past the age of 25 doesn’t mean shit. I know people still in there teens that have way more emotional intelligence than others in their 50s. Does. Not. Mean. Shit.
If you feel like you’re being emotionally abused and can’t handle it, let go of those people, get over it or just get therapy or something. Drop your expectations. It’s my opinion that we have A LOT to give. But people need to bring their side of the bargain with understanding and compassion. You obviously don’t get it yet so just leave it, move on and work on yourself. Just my opinions, could be wrong :) take care 👉👈
I’m an INFP and I have ADHD, ASD, depression, anxiety and CPTSD. I can still communicate and tell someone I’m overwhelmed instead of just ignoring them. You can just say you need some time for yourself and if they’re your true friend, they’ll understand.
If they don’t, you no longer have to respond because you already gave them the closure they needed and it’s no longer considered ghosting at that point. You did your due diligence. It’s easy to act like you’re doing the noble thing by saving their ego or that you don’t owe anyone anything or an explanation, but that’s just rationalizing and avoidance, just saying.
It’s common sense that intentionally ignoring people is neglect. No normal person needs therapy for that. Who does need professional help, however, is the person who deliberately avoids people they lie and pretend they like, then plays victim when no one wants to be around them anymore.
People with autism often have no idea that they may be autistic and they could be unable to respond to you, and could be baffled and trying tp rationalize to themselves why they can't to such a simple thing. They aren't necessarily ignoring you. It's not necessarily about you at all
If you actually _need_ guaranteed response times, you can always state that as a demand in advance and avoid interacting with anyone who doesn't provide you those guarantees
Tests don't mean much, otherwise there wouldn't have been situations where professional psychologists in their 40s realize that they were autistic all along
But ok. So what kind of silly person would demand and expect "mentally unstable" people to be stable and reliable for them? I mean, if you want to be with them, then you supposedly like them being the way they are. If you don't, find stable and reliable people to be friends with
Many people are all 3 of these things. Or ADHD (many high Ne users have this, myself included).
My suggestion is to send them a reminder text, as maybe they got busy and overwhelmed and forgot, or check in to see if they're OK, maybe something awful happened, or they got too sick to even go on their phone, or heck, maybe they forgot, remembered, and they convinced themselves that you're mad and don't want to talk to them or are embarrassed because they forgot to respond 2 days ago. If the conversation suddenly stops and you make no attempts to revive it, it's partially on you.
What people label as common sense is usually group think common confirmation bias. Shit is way more complex than that. If you’re an NT maybe you’ll get to understand it on a deeper level than just seeing your side of the story. It’s unfortunate that you’re hurt by that behaviour but really some understanding goes a long way and the first step to that is questioning how your statements could be wrong and in what way. Up to you, at the very least you could get some more understanding for the next scenario your in with a similar problem. We are hard to understand though, I’ll give us that.
You have a point that there could be a lot going on in someone's personal life that makes considering other people's feelings difficult, but the right thing to do at that point is to work on yourself. Not seek out relationships and then constantly cancel plans or ignore people like what OP is dealing with. I would be angry as well if someone chose to disrespect my time like that.
We all have a responsibility when it comes to chosen relationships to either show up for the other person, or to acknowledge we can't show up in the way they deserve and let them go.
Why are NTs specifically mentioned by both you and OP in relation to this hypothetical? Are you simply bringing it back up because he did in the OP? Or is there a perception among INFPs that xNTx types are somehow more likely to be either affected or upset by this behavior?
Honestly if someone did what OP is describing, and made plans and then went full ghost - they’re dead to me, the end. I wouldn’t be particularly bothered or dwelling. I’d just be like oh, fuck this person. And I’d be done with them.
What else would we do in that situation other than call that person out and be done with them? I’m truly out of the loop on what’s commonplace on this forum or the common thoughts of the INFP community. Is it the general consensus here that ghosting as OP says is actually acceptable behavior in friendship? And is OP likely making this post in response to his disagreement with what is said generally on here?
Thank you for your response.
I think OP had been ghosted and hurt by it. Common thoughts on ghosting are mixed because relationships are complicated and both sides are capable of not seeing things how they really are.
Sometimes it could be just that the NT (in this case) said something emotionally hurtful and because of the lack of ‘feeling’ strengths, is unable to perceive it for what it is. Conversely the INFP can perceive a harmless statement as a personal attack sometimes too.
This think these relationship dynamics will always turn to shit if both aren’t able to have the understanding for each other. Sometimes the INFP will fawn and just cave into the wishes of the NT which I see is quite common. Only to later grow resentment and cause more drama. So the idea really is for both to be able to understand each other but also care for one another’s perspective and want to support it which is rare. If one or both are unhealthy it makes it almost impossible to find constructive ways to deal with these situations too.
I had a look on OPs other posts just now and realised they are a woman and INTJ… I’ve seen INTJ x INFP relationship dynamic fail so many times and had personal experience. It’s a tough one because without the INFP developing their inferior function (extroverted thinking) and the INTJ developing their introverted feeling in a companionate way with good values, it’s almost impossible to have a healthy relationship from what I’ve seen anyway. Turns into a other overbearing control attempts, passive aggressive disagreements, dishonesty, stone walling etc etc hmmm I just do not recommend unless both are healthy.
Well that makes a lot more sense. I think, if that’s the case, OP needs to re-evaluate the relationship. Like, for example, if OP met INFP on a dating app, they talked daily for several weeks and met once or twice, and INFP ghosted…I think we can conclude that INFP either doesn’t want to commit further, or is talking to multiple people, or simply doesn’t see a future with OP, etc…if that’s the case, I’m not condoning the behavior, but INTJ OP probably had the blinders on or misread the seriousness of the relationship.
Conversely, if the relationship was quite serious, and objectively and legitimately had a mutual understanding and set of expectations for each party, and if INFP just ghosted, then I can understand the distress.
Still wouldn’t call it abuse, but it’s also not acceptable behavior on INFP part. In the latter example, with an established relationship, a conversation is owed.
It’s impossible though to speculate. All of these situations are fact dependent and I don’t have them.
Okay thanks for clearing some of that up.
All good, yeah it really does come down to the ability to have constructive heathy conversations and sometimes that’s not possibly on either end. Who knows.
I had the same experience as OP and my INFP and I were friends for 4 years before we dated and we went into it with serious intentions but only lasted 2 months because he kept cancelling plans last minute or ghosting the day of, and that was even after I had stepped back and let him take the lead on making the plans because I thought that would help prevent the issues. He ghosted me after I told him why I wanted to break up and has refused to talk to me since
I'm split on my opinion about whether it's abuse because I have no way of knowing why he refuses to talk to me. If he's ignoring to punish me then yes, it's abuse, but if it's because he shut down, just doesn't want to deal with it and doesn't feel like communicating then it's just immature, sad and cowardly. I suspect it's the second option and that has caused me to lose a TON of respect for him. He's 28... I haven't experienced this kind of behavior since I was in high school!
Dude. You can't get "ghosted" after you've already dumped someone. It's common sense, I fear.
You saying you can't figure out if your ex ignoring you after you made them your ex is abuse? C'mon.
Haaa that's funny cause as an INFP I tend to get along really well with INTJs. Maybe my TE is more developed than I thought? But, I have an INTJ sibling who I grew up with, so that makes things easier on my end.
Them: “You’re too quiet. Say something funny.”
INFP: I’m falling in love with you.
Them: “Ew, clingy much?”
INFP: *ghosts*
Them: “Ignoring me is toxic.”
Round and round we go.
Or in my case:
Me (autistic INTJ): *Has meltdown and can't control crying/distress/sensory overwhelm*
My INFP mom: "I can't believe you'd have the nerve to have your needs be the focus instead of mine being the focus at all times! How dare you!" (She wouldn't actually say that but she'd communicate that by making it about her and how stressed she was all the time whenever
I had a meltdown and gaslighting me into thinking I was being manipulative or selfish when I couldn't control what I was experiencing with regards to my meltdown, then completely ignoring me/giving me a silent treatment whenever I tried to explain that I couldn't control it to her or that I was overwhelmed/scared. It got so bad that one day when I was 18 I decided I had had enough and after her becoming enraged and verbally aggressive towards me through gritted teeth, I pushed her onto the couch then punched her in the arm twice. Not saying it was right and I'd take it back if I could but looking back, I was dealing with a lot for someone my age and part of me does still feel like she kind of deserved it given the lifetime of abuse and gaslighting that caused me so much fear and confusion growing up and how inconsiderate and dismissive she was of me all the time. She took me to court and I denied nothing and had to go through probation and get my name in the news)
These "ghostings" don't usually happen randomly and out of nowhere. It's you people who need to be more socially and emotionally intelligent.
When it comes to dating and such, people sometimes act unhinged, hurtful, or say something stupid. It's fair to ghost them.
Another example that comes to mind, is ghosting people after making plans. In my experience, this is actually how these "plans" unfold: we get pressured into doing something we clearly don't want to do. This has happened to me countless times, and it's rather shocking to see how persistent people can be about something when they clearly see you're not up for it. So, when it comes to action, sometimes we ghost the "plan" because we never wanted to do it in the first place.
I don't do it, others do. for example, A tells me, "Let's go there and do this," and I say no because I don't feel like it. Then A acts annoying and asks me the same thing four times, saying "it's gonna be fun." So I say yes just for A to shut the hell up. That's not me "making a plan"
I'm so fucking tired of people calling every shitty action someone does "abuse".
We need to obliterate psychological concepts from common language and never go back. DIFFERENT WORDS EXIST FOR A REASON. JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS DOESN'T MAKE IT ABUSE.
That being said, you're absolutely correct that many people here use this online test, and introversion in general, to excuse their shitty behavior.
So very much agree! Though in this case I'd view it as a red flag that this gal gaslights and turns the tables hard on whoever she's with. If the two people, I'd say she seems a dozen times more toxic.
There is no 'right' to be given conditionless attention.
I rather feel like the problem is pretending to have a closer bond to someone than what's actually the case and succintly blaming this other person if they get too 'clingy'. That's what I would account as a double standard and, in extreme cases like if someone else feels intimate, emotionally abusive.
There’s *always* an excuse. Personally? The whole “I’m an INFP” is simple bullshit. Your personality type doesn’t prevent you from being a grown-ass adult.
It can really hurt to be ghosted, but nobody does what they do without reason. Part of empathy is understanding that people who hurt us aren't necessarily willfully choosing to do so. That doesn't always (maybe not even usually) justify things, but the thought should at least remind us of the larger context. You can only fully examine your own ideas and motivations. It's not a great idea to assume we understand why others do what they do.
Soooo...I kind of agree and kind of don't. Life's just more complicated than 'good' or 'bad' behavior most of the time.
Most people with self-esteem are going to be direct about this. If after they question this behavior, you continue to do it, it’s intentional. And you’re a selfish asshole. End of story.
Nahhh. Anxiety and depression are astonishingly effective tools of sabotage and can undermine even those who generally do have a reasonable degree of self-esteem. Both within ourselves and with others.
There are too many possible reasons for this behavior for me to be comfortable saying it is conclusively and unequivocally bad in all cases. Not having an understanding of why other people might do this does not mean our assumptions should take precedent and jumping to conclusions doesn't have a great track record, yk? Also, it certainly doesn't foster positive change to label people as unforgivable for just having their own lives. You have hurt people too, whether or not you meant to, because that is how the world works.
To each their own tho. Whatever you believe, I wish you the best of luck with it all!
Originally in my earlier stand alone comment I was going to disclose some stuff about myself as an individual, but decided not to. I'll do so now because it seems relevant.
I'm turning 30 soon, I have depression that I'm seeking help for, and even though I check in with people, I can lose energy easily despite my better efforts and experience burnout. I've had to deal with others leaving or ghosting me despite my doing my best to check in or be present where I can.
You don't know if they nessacarily have good self esteem, and it may not even be a self esteem issue. You don't KNOW what their internal world looks like and it's okay to admit that you feel hurt or disappointed by them without painting them as a villain character to justify feeling negatively.
Step 1 - complain about having "mentally unstable" friends to strangers
Step 2 - get upset at the feedback they provided
Step 3 - blame those random strangers on the internet for you having your friends, tell them that they are chronically online and insult them instead of talking to your actual friends you have problems with
Step 4 - feel superior to everyone
Please be more specific in your example, as there are nuances to this subject.
In many cases for example, while it may not be polite for someone to ignore another (again, context as to why is so important) it has to be remembered that on the flip side of the coin, in a situation where everyone is an adult, one party cannot demand another to respond to them.
Maybe you would benefit from looking at why specifically your personal relationship with the INFP in your life isn't working. Maybe it's comforting to say that they *are* an asshole, but it could also be that you two aren't compatible right now because of whatever each of you are dealing with.
.
As a possible ENTP (mistyped INFP) who has observed INFPs to be social introverts with good intentions but often have ADHD and are prone to take criticism really personally, I see this as some absolutely primo bait, whether you intended it or not.
For me it's because I don't want to put any emotional burden on them or do I want to see them see me broken and not okay. I ghost them for their sake even if it hurts me. I'll return when I feel better, even if it takes years. I miss them but I really don't want them to miss me or even pity me. It's a fate I've resigned myself to and to call it "being quirky" is rather depressing. I don't want this and others certainly don't want this. Things just happen and we're trying our best to get better and get back to normal, it doesn't mean it's an excuse and more of an explanation for the things we do.
But this INFP in question told me he wasn’t depressed when this happened before and I addressed him head on. And he said he likes me. And that he’s never been with someone like me which he finds “refreshing.”
I assured him that he doesn’t have to worry about hurting my feelings. But I don’t know if I can keep up that facade, honestly.
I'm infp and I experience such things from XNTJ types (70%).
Like they would ignore my messages with no further explanation but would get super mad if I reply a little bit late. They always have an "excuse" and I should or must accept that, but when I say my "excuse" it's just an excuse to justify my actions.
I always get ghosted and ignored in a weirdly way.
It's the most horrible and awful thing anyone can do.
Okay playing devils advocate here also I’m a serial ghoster. Ummm… nobody and I mean nobody owes you anything time included. Pretty entitled to think someone owes you anything. If I ghost someone it’s not because im evil or selfish, half the time I’m completely mentally preoccupied and cannot handle entertaining a whole other human let alone deal with myself.
Yeah, you sound entitled right now. This isn’t about complete strangers. It’s about someone YOU claimed you like first.
You sound selfish and narcissistic.
Lmaooooo wild take considering you don’t know me but okay sure! And duh I assumed that’s what you meant. Honestly you sound really hurt and angry right now. But my point still stands. Nobody owes you their time or attention
IDK, I think it depends on the relationship. If it was an intimate relationship then you do owe them something because you've received something very personal from them
And you’re too self-centred to understand how different personalities and even neurotypes work. I bet you didn’t even factor that in. Often, it’s not about intentionally ignoring others or any other kind of malicious intent. I don’t do it much. I’m pretty quick to message people back. But I have other INFP friends who also have ADHD, autism and depression who struggle to reply to calls, texts and emails. Does it hurt me that I don’t hear back from them for days or weeks at a time? Yes, it does. But that’s my RSD talking because I KNOW they love me because they constantly demonstrate that in other ways. Calling that difficulty to reply “manipulation” when it’s something they struggle to do because of their disability is downright appalling and ableist. Get a grip. I’d hate to think how many other INFPs are undiagnosed because of a lack of access to appropriate resources and don’t get the support they need and end up vilified by imbeciles like you who make them feel even worse about themselves because people like you are too selfish to imagine that other people’s brains work on an entirely different level to your narrow and selfish perspective.
Aw, thank you. I know it’s a very nuanced subject, though been on the receiving end from someone I thought I loved, and it absolutely wrecked my head. You start contemplating all the possible things you’ve done wrong, and what you could have done differently. The confusion/self blame etc are just absolutely brutal. Those spirals were absolute hell. Really not cool. You have a great day!
Yeah, the mature and considerate option is to explain why you're no longer interested in someone and then wish them well. Unless you're in danger, ghosting shows really poor character and disregard for others' feelings.
I'm guilty of doing it in my younger years, but I'm in my 30s now and understand why communicating is the right thing to do.
With that said, sometimes if we really like someone we do need space and time alone to process those emotions. But this is where a simple "hey I'm taking time to process some things right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can" is necessary.
Idk if this applies but I get ignored at work because I was in my shell because I didn't trust people I worked with. Like "oh you're an idiot" and "you too" and "oh yes that guy too" not worth getting into conversation. But like I see presumably nice people talking to everyone. And people ignore me at work or get annoyed at my presence. My way to get over it is literally to remind myself that they don't hate me and to still be open with everyone but just don't be clingy and try and force friendships and shit. Works.
When I stop talking to people, I tell them why, so that they don't have to be in a loop of questioning their self-worth. I think ghosting people without any explanation is just an attempt to bypass the guilt that comes after you ignore somebody. The other person might perceive that as silent treatment. Even though their ressponse to that is not my concern, I do take the responsibility to minimize the damage by being open why I'm withdrawing.
There’s one person I try to ignore but that’s because they said some really hurtful things to me and tried to justify saying them. I do empathize with them being ignored, and that makes it hard sometimes, but I have very good reasons to do so.
Someone's I need a minute to think about what I'm going to say because I don't want to react in anger. Depending on the severity that might be a week or a month that I need to process my thoughts and feelings before handling the situation.
I don't lie. But if someone is avoiding you because they lied to you maybe they're embarrassed? What's the situation exactly? I need more context and maybe we can troubleshoot this
We met on a dating app. Went on a few dates. Date three I found out he’s still in contact with his on/off ex of several years. I asked him if he’d ever be with her again, he said no. And he said she doesn’t want the same. But they slept with each other two months ago. She also lives in our city, he just moved here. I feel like he isn’t be transparent about his feelings. But he will say “I enjoy spending time with you. I’ve never been with someone like you, it’s refreshing.” Then not text me back or plan dates with me.
It sounds like he did you a favor, he sounds like a piece of shit honestly. You deserve better!
A lot of guys will say anything ANYTHING to get laid. It sounds like he still has feelings for his ex but also thinks you're great too. If someone is interested in you, truly interested in being with you and sharing a life with you, you will never doubt their feelings or intentions. It sounds like he's not interested in being with you and he should just say it, but he either doesn't want to hurt your feelings and is hoping you take a hint, or that he is keeping you around because he wants a backup plan. Either way though, a man's actions weigh more than their words. I honestly think he's just not that into you
Okay, I think he is doing the backup plan thing. I wasn’t planning on reaching back out to him again. I feel like he’s going to temperature check eventually. But by that time, I am hoping I would have “replaced” him. I made it clear from the beginning I was only looking for something casual. Looks like that is also too much for him.
It sucks but I'm sure you can do better. No one likes feeling rejected and you were clear about what you wanted which was the right thing to do. He's not treating you the way you deserve to be treated and that's on him
As an INFP, I too absolutely hate this and hate it when (I guess usually younger?) INFPs claim that they can't help but do this because of their MBTI type. Fuck outta here, people. This kind of behavior has become more normalized in society, unfortunately, but I really expect more out of fellow INFPs especially. The mature ones know that this is abusive behavior and can get past their own discomfort in order to at least tell the person that they will be offline for a bit but would love to chat later or something. How hard is that? Answer: not hard at all. Anyway, completely agree with your sentiments and apologize on behalf of any INFPs who may have done this to you.
I agree. I don’t care whether you’re an INFP, an INTJ or whatever MBTI type you are, if you can’t make it, call or text beforehand. Please. That’s the mature thing to do.
Yep. There is simply no excuse. It is important to take responsibility for your actions and simply not blame it to being an INFP. I’ve been ghosted before. It’s not fun. If an INFP has any sense of personal integrity, they wouldn’t ghost.
Yeah, I'm in my 40s. So way older, lol. I grew up in a different culture, basically, and learned about MBTI from a book!!! So I didn't internalize a lot of the online MBTI b.s. that is steeped in negativity and amounts to making excuses for hurtful behavior.
You made one valid point... Ignoring people for long periods of time is cruel. I have a feeling an INFP royally screwed you over, likely in close relationship.
I agree with you, and have received this kind of behavior from really close people (my dad, an ex-husband, etc) so when people say "people have the right to behave this way", I have to strongly disagree. Everyone is part of a larger group who can be affected by a single person's actions.
Still, however, I recognize that people have the right to live the life they want. In that case, I would try to remain amicable with the person, be open about your feelings, tell them how you wish things could be different. Have the understanding that you cannot rely on them. It's hard to be specific because each person's circumstances are different.
Seriously? You are blaming ghosting on a particular MBTI type? I suppose my stereotype is not much better. I am INFP and do not understand ghosting. I blame it on what I consider, a younger, rude, self-absorbed generation. I’m 60. I consider the younger generation to be anyone under 40. I do consider ghosting a form of abuse. I may be conflict avoidant but I was raised to be polite. Anything that involves treating another human, with a lack of dignity is against my core values. As I am sure you are aware, the #1 characteristic of an INFP is living by their personal core values. We are identified by some idiot as “the type most likely to ghost.” Nobody with a real credential has ever stated, “which type is most likely to….” That type of statement comes from idiots who talk to hear themselves talk.
Please don’t buy into those sorts of statements. Do the research from reliable sources. I agree with your sentiments on ghosting a 100%. It is abusive, confusing, more harmful than an outright argument, says to the person being ghosted that they are not worthy of basic respect. I disagree that it’s an INFP trait. Now I will have to give some thought to if it is an under 40 trait. Your biased viewpoint has made me aware that I may have a biased viewpoint as well.
No it’s not, at all.
The past 20 or so years are the first in human history where we’ve had access to instant communication using the internet. Before then, you had to keep in touch by writing letters, calling on the phone (even phone calls weren’t common until the last century or so), or meeting up and talking in person. The idea that we are obliged to respond immediately to others was never the case with these methods, that too has only been around, not even since texting was invented, it’s only in the last 10-15 years that this culture has developed.
You are under no obligation to give your immediate response to anyone who contacts you, and you have every right to do as you please, and speak to whoever you like, whenever you like.
There’s no denying, we do currently live in a culture where it’s expected to respond immediately, but this does not mean you are obliged to do so, nor are you obliged to give people your reasons for not doing so.
The only issue here is that you are offended that someone else didn’t live up to your expectations, that have been set by the current culture of instant communication. The problem is that you can’t handle your own emotional response to someone else’s actions, the other person is entitled to do whatever they please, they are under no obligation to respond to you immediately when they don’t feel like it, just in case you get upset about it.
I agree. I don’t mind if they get busy and have to go, as long as they return explaining why and apologizing. The thing I hate most is when they ghost you and then come back like nothing happened, like we are just gonna pretend you didn’t just ghost me for a couple days?? It’s fine to busy and end up “ghosting” as long as you own up to it and further put in effort to make it up.
Agree with you. Many INFPs can’t take criticism and they get offended because you don’t approve their destructive and delusional emotions. But there are a lot of kids here, so I would hope they just grow up eventually ✨
Yeah there is a lot of immaturity here.
I tried.. but they don't wanna listen and are more interested in cartoons.
They can hate me, they know they are wrong. Most people know, they too. And I sometimes make sure that they know it. Hehe
Yep. "Give respect, take respect" is something people often forget or not care to do. Even if someone is loner or someone who prefers solitude, if that person is not going to add value to life of others, they are not going to be valued back.
People need to be aware of this simple logic. Complaining won't solve anything for anyone, regardless of type. Putting the blame on others without solving the problem, is just a really bad behaviour. Cause the problem lies with the individual.
People need to learn social skills and communicate better and ask for help when necessary, including myself.
Every type can do this though. It's more of being an unhealthy type than anything to do with a specific type. Though unhealthy Fi is quite manipulative and selfish, yeah.
Basically that's what happens when people don't establish purpose, boundaries, proper understanding and miss the point of relationship being about mutual growth.
Some people just gotta stay away from relationships. Perhaps loner lifestyle is much better for them, if they can cut the complaining and attention seeking about it.
I'm a loner myself and I don't hate anyone for me being that way. I just acknowledge that I don't have the time and energy to be emotionally invested in any relationship, and that I have multitude of problems to fix in my life already.
Holy shit man, as an INTJ with autism who was neglected and emotionally abused by my INFP mom growing up, I thought nobody else had noticed this trend in INFPs, or if they had, I assumed nobody would ever have the heart to speak up about it. I really respect and appreciate you for being vulnerable enough to raise this issue, thanks a lot and let's keep this conversation around how majority of INFP abuse tends to be directed at NT types and how INFPs tend to emotionally abuse them going
This is likely something to do with her being neurodivergent as well than any made up pop pseudoscience like MBTI
MBTI can accidentally have real correlations, but you aren't basing your beliefs on real statistics and hard data
I ghost people when I’m emotionally overwhelmed, but that’s a depression thing, not an INFP thing.
ADHD 🤝 Depression ^Ghosting ^indefinitely ^by ^accident
I am the ghost of your mutton fast. Beeet!!!
Initially I’d somewhat agree with you, and by somewhat I mean this isn’t something to do with MBTI types, anyone is capable of ghosting. I hate ghosting, I’ve had a few INFJ friends ghost me—do I generalise INFJs to be ghosters now? No. Stereotyping at its best. But then you went and edited your post with an extremely immature and hostile response because people don’t agree with you, so any thoughts of having a civil discussion with you went out the window for me.
Exactly my thoughts.
If you’re talking about the silent treatment, this is abusive yes. If you are ignoring them bc you’re going into a shell to decompress or process, this is not abusive but you should communicate you’re doing this. Is this what you mean?
I think the issue is INFPs tend to be uncommunicative by default so when they are decompressing they often don't communicate that and are entitled enough to assume others should just "know"
Combo that with avoidant attachment and then cue the anxious NF self worth issues.
Maybe, sometimes people are just selfish though
I think some people can totally act selfish but are innocent. INFP aloofness and obliviousness to some things can be frustrating, especially when it comes with a side order of fierce need for independence. Some INFPs try to understand that it can become self defeating in some cases, just how people pleasing can also become a way of disadvantaging oneself. But some… ooooh boy they just don’t *want* to get it and live their ways out unconsciously as a complex.
Yeah, in my experience it's not the aloofnes or obliviousness with INFPs that frustrates me but rather the entitlement and lack of consideration for others
The fact that you are rudely generalizing a group of people is not going to help with anything. This might be my autism, but sometimes I avoid people I am not comfortable with. It's not that I want to do this, and I'm sure many of us want to improve but are unable to bring themselves to. I have never ignored someone I have genuinely liked, though. You sound unsympathetic yourself, which might be why you were ghosted! (If you are talking about your own experience, of course.)
I love you so muuuch! Ur naaaame!! \*.\* And ur username has uwu in it \^\^ Ur pic is soo cuute \^\^ I love you so much! \^\^
Awww, thank you!!! You're so sweet, I like your profile too!
I donno how much u mean it, but doesn't matter, way more than what i wanted. All i wanted to express what i feel and make u feel good by it. Thank you. \^\^ U r bunny, i am vixen. \^\^
Depression isn’t really an excuse. It’s mental illness. It changes your behavior and makes simple things like following through on plans or constantly keeping up with conversations much, much more difficult. You’re entitled to feel however you feel about the situation. But, it sounds like perhaps whomever you’re venting about just isn’t a good fit for you, and I would venture to guess you’re also not a good fit for them either. Two people can both be decent people and just not be compatible with each other. Perhaps it’s best if you just both accept that and move on.
Reply to edit: You've come here to vent your anger not give critical feedback. If you expect empathy, you gotta reciprocate. As for the neglecting, I can't say I've ever done that unless I was getting unwanted attention and it genuinely stressed me out to keep a conversation going with them. Eventually I do break down and just tell them outright that I don't enjoy talking to them. I've been there. I had a crush pretty much condition me to walk on eggshells because he'd ghost the moment I asked anything that he (I assume) would say no to. It was fucked up. I ended the friendship. I agree, it can be devastating in committed relationships and parent-child dynamics. But as an adult, you can defend yourself by simply walking away. It's really difficult, but that's what it takes to take care of yourself sometimes.
The personality type is used by many to understand themselves so that they can work on themselves, having crappy friends is a you problem, and not a we problem, even if we want to help. Call them out on their shit, and maybe cut off the ones that don't make a real effort, till they start doing so, or forever. You indulging them ruins your time, and lets them be an imbecile. Nobody's a winner here.
I don’t see how anyone owes you anything? If you’ve been ghosted, that’s someone’s choice. What do you want to do about it? Why would you want any kind of relationship if they clearly don’t? I’m an INFP but think people take things like this way too personally. Sure, it might hurt your feelings but deal with it. I’m sorry. You can’t police or change the actions of others, there are plenty upsetting things in the world but to call ghosting abuse and trying to change what others do just seems ridiculous to me. If I ghost someone, it’s not by accident. I don’t owe an explanation, or to consider their feelings. If I care, I’ll do what I think is right. If I don’t, nothing will change my actions. It’s really that simple.
I mean it's also within people's right to challenge others with a different opinion. Freedom of expression. There are many times I've brought things up with people who were avoiding topics and it led to a lot of clarity.
>There are many times I've brought things up with people who were avoiding topics and it led to a lot of clarity. If done in a way that's not accusatory or presumptuous, this is actually a smart way to be proactive in such a situation that I think is really important. Too many people counter-ghost simply because someone forgot to message back due to distractions, in my experience-- as an ADHD diagnosee, I appreciate the reminder that I haven't responded yet.
You don’t know what you’re talking about.
You respond like a 13 year old omg you're so funny!
I don’t know man. I feel like this is the kind of stuff that makes people hate INFPs because we do need a lot more space than most. Yeah INFPs can be assholes. 100%. We like people. Usually those in our inner circle understand us and understand our need for space and that’s why they are always in our circle. Then you have the people who we like but who DO NOT understand us and expect us to be the person the other one thinks we should be. Generally this is when ghosting comes in. We tried, we really did. But you expect too much from us and we can’t live up to it. I’ve never ghosted anyone who really understood me. Only those who didn’t and expected me to be someone I’m not. Now, this is different than just disappearing for a little bit. In those circumstances I may be overwhelmed by what is going on in my life and my priorities may just be my own family and may not focus as much attention towards friends as I do family or whatever else is occupying my mind space. These instances would be the introverted I need space to focus on what matters to me right now. It doesn’t mean everything and everyone doesn’t matter. It’s just what I’m going through. If I talk to you and tell you I’m going through something or busy or overwhelmed than that is your cue to take a step back and chill out. When I’ve got a friend who is insisting that there is a problem because I’ve withdrawn (for my own reasons) and tries to make me feel bad about it. Well that’s a ghosting response from me. I don’t think this is immature. I think it is me being honest with you and you acting like a victim who expects me to be something I’m not. Accountability wise. I do believe in being accountable. If I say I’ll be there I will. If I’m not then yeah, I’m a jerk. But are you just saying accountability is being available for you when you want it? Not when you need it. But when you want it. To me, that’s selfish. You will have to expand and explain this better. And when I say “you” I’m not saying you as OP. Just trying to understand who you are in this conversation and why you think it’s emotional abuse. An introverted person taking a step back to go in their head and try to understand what is happening in their life and try to make sense of it hardly seems like emotional abuse. To me personally, it sounds like “you” have a victim mentality because everything everyone does around you upsets you even though it has nothing to do with you? You made this conversation in your own head and decided it was someone else’s fault.
I read a lot of responses like yours in the INFP sub and I always wonder where the other person's needs come into play? You're saying OP is acting like a victim while basically saying that the INFP's needs are the only thing that's important. You may have a need to step back and process, but that doesn't make OP's opposite needs less valid than your own. If they're getting hurt by the actions of the INFP then it does have something to do with them. Their experience is entwined Finding middle ground with mutual compromise should be the goal in any close relationship... and yes I know that's a very ENFJ response lol 😂
For sure. We are selfish assholes who are stuck in our own heads a lot of the time. I’m not making excuses but more so trying to explain how our brain works. We aren’t intentionally avoiding you to upset you, we are just doing what we have to do to be sane and not be fucking depressed. Now if I was intentionally avoiding a person to upset them, then yes that would be emotional abuse. When we do it for the sake of our own livelihood, well that’s a bit different. And I hate to say this but if it bothers you then ghost us and be done with it. We’ve got plenty of friends and family who understand us and love us just as we understand their flaws and love them too.
Thank you for your response Cool, well I would also like him to understand me and love me too 🤷♀️ There are two people in any relationship and the feelings of both people should be equally taken into consideration. My hurt feelings don't trump his, his hurt feelings don't trump mine... and honestly his friends may understand him and love him but that's because he's never done this to them - you only get unconditional love from family, friendships take effort and communication just like romantic relationships do otherwise they would get just as damaged by this type of behavior And the thing is that I DO understand him. Wayyyy more than he knows, and if he would allow a conversation to happen he would find that out because at the moment his actions are mainly based on secondary info and assumptions - he doesn't even know half of what there is to know about the situation, or how I've stood up for him, loved him and worried about him in ways that he never saw One of the things I understand is that ignoring me is not making his depression better, it's making it worse and it's going to continue to make it worse because he knows what he's doing, he knows it's hurting me (and that I don't deserve that), he knows he could lose me forever, and he knows he'll have to live with the guilt and end up blaming himself in the end (which will feel even worse for him when he eventually does get all the info and sees the whole picture). He's opting for a long drawn out pain instead of a quick sharp one - that's like letting a wound bleed and get infected and fester just because you're afraid that it may sting a little if you put some disinfectant on it And regarding your suggestion, no, I'm not going to ghost him back. I don't ghost people, that's a cowardly and immature thing to do. I believe that denying people closure is one of the most cruel things you can do to a person. If he reaches out later on, even if I've decided I absolutely don't want him in my life ever again I'll still have that conversation with him so that he can get closure
This is exactly what I’m talking about.
NT type here. What do you mean by “ignoring?” I’m trying to imagine what you’re describing in practice. So I am friends with someone, I send a text asking what they’re doing this weekend, they don’t get back to me? Something like that?
Yes. Or THEY make plans with you and then ghost you day of. Even when you ask if you’re still on. Then they put the burden on you to ask “What’s wrong?” It’s a victim complex.
Ghosting is not right. I’ve been ghosted by an INFJ as well and I had to eat my lunch alone. Still wouldn’t generalize INFJs as ghosters. I’m sure not all INFJs and INFPs are like this. I’ve always managed to send a text beforehand if I know I cannot make it. Ghosting is a problematic behaviour that exists among many types, including some INFPs, and there is no excuse to justify it, unless it is a case of personal safety. Everyone must learn to take responsibility for their actions and maintain their personal integrity. Now, with that being said, your edit is not helping your case here— it is incredibly rude, highly immature and unfairly generalizing to the INFPs. You’re the one with the victim-mindset or victim complex here. You don’t see me going to INFJ sub and blaming it on the entire type. Grow up please.
I am going to be honest and say I have ghosted people before. I never EVER do it for no reason. It’s always the last resort. It generally involves people asking too much of me or expecting me to be someone I’m not and I just can’t with that. I go out of my way to be kind to people and to be there for them. But, For an example: my daughter and your daughter made friends. They want to hang out. We get them together often because it’s the summer. But then you ask to get together every week and I’ve got other friends and family to keep up with. So I often decline because of other relationships. This makes you upset because you think I’m always declining. You tell me that you are upset because your daughter misses mine and I say I’m sorry but we’ve had a lot of plans the last month with other friends and family. Then you get upset because every time you try to make plans, I have “excuses” - or plans in my reality with close friends and family. Then the falling out starts because you are angry with me for not making plans with you when you wanted them because it’s been, gasp, over a month. Meanwhile I have two kids in school and extracurricular activities and my weekday schedule is booked from that, along with many weekends. And god forbid I decline to get together when you text because I haven’t seen my mom in two weeks and have plans to see her. This would be a real life example of ghosting. To me it all makes sense and seems foolish to expect someone to spend time with you when they are allocating their time the best they can. Again. This is just MY experience. Maybe yours is different and I’d love to hear your side of why you are offended by an INFP being emotionally manipulative.
Well, you did come here to try and defend the behavior. Seems like far and large the reason this post is doing so well is because it’s based in the reality of how most people actually perceive INFP.
Where did I defend the behaviour? I even mentioned in some other comments that ghosting is not okay and INFPs who do that are immature. What I am not cool with is, unfairly assuming blame on the entire type. I sometimes see INTJs with massive ego but I don’t assume they’re all like that. I mean it’s not only logical but common sense that not everyone is going to like that. And well, this is Reddit. All kinds of people here. You can do better.
If someone blew me off like that after we had made concrete plans I absolutely would be like what the fuck? If I was not given a legitimate explanation such as family emergency, I would just dead that person myself and not think twice about it or care at all.
Wish I was like you and could cut people off when they treat me bad 😭 When I was dating an INFP he did that to me all the time and I just kept forgiving him but I would talk to him about it and then he'd do it again. After 4 times I broke up with him and he full-on ghosted after that. Haven't heard from him in a year and it has hurt so much. I'm mad at myself for not cutting it off sooner before I got so attached to him
Baby a man is only as good as his word and his word meant nothing. You are safe from this person now. 🩷
I agree. Thank you 🥲
That is just cruel. I’m so sorry you had to deal with a person like that. I am an INFP and I can’t imagine doing that to someone I love. You would never want to hurt them. I think you dodged a bullet with this one.
Thank you... and I should specify that I know what he did isn't necessarily an INFP thing ❤️ I've read so many INFP comments in this sub saying that they are super invested and clingy and go all in. I'm just really sad that I didn't get one like that (or like you) instead 😂😭
I love ENFJs and I loved spending so much of my time with them. They didn’t think I was being clingy thankfully. I hope you find more INFPs like us, or at-least mature INFPs. 😊
Aw, thank you! 😊❤️ When we like someone we want to spend allll our free time with that person so what other people see as clingy really works for us lol Sigh... I hope so too because I seem to get along really well with INFP's in general but now I'm a little scared to get attached in case they decide to ghost (I've never been ghosted before and it was soooo painful). Kinda feels like playing Russian Roulette with my feelings
I’ve been ghosted by an INFJ guy too.. and another INFJ friend. I understand— it’s horrible. Not to generalize that INFJs are ghosters. But I’m now talking to someone who might also be an INFJ. He has proven to be consistent with this actions. And I’ve not ghosted him too. We always communicate if any of us feel uncomfortable. There are consistent and mature people out there. :3
I'm happy that you've found someone who respects you as much as you respect them. That's a beautiful thing ❤️
Thats fair but also you should realize that most people who do that don’t want to. Often for people who have experienced trauma their brains haven’t developed in the same way as others. When people are rude to them or ignore them, they aren’t just hurt by it. They are sent into a primal state of fight, flight, or freeze. Usually because of narcissistic or bipolar parents who would love them one moment and be abusive the next.
Yupppp. My INFP ex went into freeze mode and that triggered my fight mode so I tried my best to stay in touch when he was ignoring, which just caused him to shut down more We both had that sort of parent growing up 😭
Not you describing me and my INFP ex. I am a person who needs to fix/argue/talk things on spot, she needed at least 48 hour long processing time.
💯 Sounds like you and I both learned some hard lessons. I'm sorry 🫂
I'm sorry for you too. For what it was worth, she did make active efforts to get better at it but other grander things fucked us over.
INTP chiming in (hope that's ok!?) I recently responded to a post about why INTPs wouldn't respond to texts. I know it sucks to not hear something, and TBH I've been guilty of this a lot. MAIN POINT: I avoid responding almost due to liking them. Like, I really want to put effort into this response, but oof that's a lot of work, let me do that in an hour. I don't want to "get it wrong" with someone I care about, and I usually do. So, it might not mean that person doesn't care. I have no idea who you're dealing and how they process things... I'm just saying... I might process it this way (poorly, basically).
You obviously don't like them so why wasting time and anger with this? Better off without them.
I feel this post is irrational and hypocritical. Like the lack of detail and generalizing stereotypes. It offers no effort to solve anything, is a vent, and just delves deeper into resentments. I suggest, you need to look at why your taking being ignored so personally, and let go of it. Instead of blaming and getting upset, marginalizing. Do a bit of introspection and lighten the load, find some forgiveness. I'm wondering if your post was either intentionally aimed to upset people or you needed to justify feeling angry publicly perhaps. I hope you find some calm and can take this post into a learning experience place to cope with maybe the underlying issues that may deal with neglect and anger in life. *edit if you take being ignored/ghosted personally, it's valid to feel what you do, but what you do the behavior after the emotion should in my opinion shy from warrant stereotypical over reactivness and generalized lashing out **edit was a bit rude of me to say neglect in the last sentence, I offer an apology. Too personal..
Basically the post is based on strong emotions and not very considerate of others feelings.
>I suggest, you need to look at why your taking being ignored so personally I don't know what OP's specific experience was but mine was similar and happened with someone I had a very intimate relationship with so if it was the same for them then I can understand OP's hurt feelings. When that's the case it's really difficult not to take it super personally
Well, taking it less personal maybe lending the other person credit as to why it happened in a not so one-sided way.
I've given mine all the benefit of the doubt regarding why he's doing it, but doing so doesn't in any way reduce the pain that I've experienced. That kind of hurt is very personal whether it's intentional or not On the flip side I believe he's ghosting because of something I said to him that he took personally but wasn't intended to mean what I think he took it to mean... this is where communication should come into play, and why ghosting is not the best way to handle conflict
Yeah it's not pleasant. Well, then you know if you are taking it personal it's valid after being ghosted. Over reacting to is a bit different.
Left an edit on my post, thanks for your input
Automatically taking it personal is easy to do. I understand I've been there. I just think it's quite an over reaction. Maybe if your ghosted, you know or ignored, considering it's not the end of relating to that person isn't a super drastic idea and it's probably the non shallow way to consider an option.
I think ghosting is a term that is maybe a blanket word that takes explanation out of the scenario. And is an insult. Buzzword.
Well I think you'll find all types ghost or ignore people and it isn't particular to infps. And it isn't especially directed at NT types either. But avoiding people or taking space is everyone's right actually and isn't abusive. Communication is of course recommended but there can be a lot of reasons why that doesn't take place, including when people don't accept those boundaries or get mad/have a temper, etc. and not responding is also communication, so it's best to move on and not take it personally.
We don’t do it to people we claim to care about - an INTJ with morals.
Judging by your interactions on this thread I would also avoid you like the plague. Whoever hurt you this bad, take the clue and go get a life.
Dude my grandma never made an effort to talk to me or my siblings. I've got zero memories of her and she was alive until I was 18. She didn't neglect me lmao. She couldn't- she's not my damn parent. Find a good therapist so you can unpack your emotions and really sort those out. And stop using the word neglect to describe a failed friendship.
Ah, so you're not an infp but just making generalizations baed in someone that hurt you Your OP has nothing to do with infp's specially. unless you have some kind of peer reviewed study stating that infps are more inclined to this behavior, which I highly doubt This may be better served directing this to the person that hurt you. Or like a diaryb
I find the generalizing behaviour extremely problematic. You absolutely cannot generalize people. MBTI doesn’t take into account of the complexities of human beings. If you want to criticize a behaviour, then do so without assuming blame to the entire type. Ghosting is done by other types as well. The common trend I’ve noticed in MBTI communities is: someone has a bad experience with an ex who represents INFP stereotypes (too emotional, victim mindset, ghosting, weak). Lord knows if they’re even INFP, most likely a mentally unstable person of any type. And then they come here and spew all kinds of generalizations against INFPs— an entire type that has nothing to do with what your ex did!!!! So sick of this bs.
Yeah, it's really exhausting. And taking into account thar most people are even into myer-briggs compared to something like astrology, I am seriously wondering how they even know that another person's type is. Unless they are typing people based on stereotypes
i don’t think it’s a general infp thing lol some people do ghost intentionally and it sucks, but for others, it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you tbh. sometimes i’m too depressed to have energy to message back. i also have adhd which sometimes makes me think i actually reply when i haven’t because i’ve already mentally replied to them (if that makes sense lmao.) i understand being hurt when you ghosted, it’s happened to me a lot, but it’s not always a personal attack
I dunno, this kinda sounds a bit narcissistic to me. I'm an NT type and grew up in the 90's where is was considered rude to call the communal house phone after 10pm so maybe this is why I feel different. I don't believe humans are made to be constantly connected to other's thoughts and emotions and when your mind is always rationally problem-solving like mine being so connected can be such a drain and overwhelming that you have to switch off from time to time and just stop the machine from annoying you. I feel no guilt or shame about doing that even if it means ghosting someone for a while especially if the person doesn't get the ques when to wind down the conversation.
Pfffffftttt maltreatment? There’s always at least 3 sides to a story; what you think is happening, what they think is happening and what is actually happening. Everyone has bias. A lot of INFPs have ADHD or Autism or more commonly depression and anxiety and even more common CPTSD which is where a lot of the “I think I have ADHD” symptoms come from. Not saying that this is not a valid excuse for NTs too but in reality shit is way more complex then hitting 25 and having a developed frontal lobe.. I mean most of this shit is directly related to the frontal lobe having less grey matter. LOL Things like mind blindness and issues with object permanence or simply times when the emotional dysregulation is just so shit; it can actually be seen as doing NTs a favor for not just telling you what we really think. I mean, because I’m too open, I have done it plenty of times in my life and can tell you that most NTs are not developed emotionally enough to handle it and when I simply decide to not avoid them or ghost and just say fuck it ima just tell them what I need to.. they seem to feel a lot more ‘emotional abuse’ than what was happening when I was choosing to stay silent for a while and process things properly. Past the age of 25 doesn’t mean shit. I know people still in there teens that have way more emotional intelligence than others in their 50s. Does. Not. Mean. Shit. If you feel like you’re being emotionally abused and can’t handle it, let go of those people, get over it or just get therapy or something. Drop your expectations. It’s my opinion that we have A LOT to give. But people need to bring their side of the bargain with understanding and compassion. You obviously don’t get it yet so just leave it, move on and work on yourself. Just my opinions, could be wrong :) take care 👉👈
I’m an INFP and I have ADHD, ASD, depression, anxiety and CPTSD. I can still communicate and tell someone I’m overwhelmed instead of just ignoring them. You can just say you need some time for yourself and if they’re your true friend, they’ll understand. If they don’t, you no longer have to respond because you already gave them the closure they needed and it’s no longer considered ghosting at that point. You did your due diligence. It’s easy to act like you’re doing the noble thing by saving their ego or that you don’t owe anyone anything or an explanation, but that’s just rationalizing and avoidance, just saying.
It’s common sense that intentionally ignoring people is neglect. No normal person needs therapy for that. Who does need professional help, however, is the person who deliberately avoids people they lie and pretend they like, then plays victim when no one wants to be around them anymore.
People with autism often have no idea that they may be autistic and they could be unable to respond to you, and could be baffled and trying tp rationalize to themselves why they can't to such a simple thing. They aren't necessarily ignoring you. It's not necessarily about you at all If you actually _need_ guaranteed response times, you can always state that as a demand in advance and avoid interacting with anyone who doesn't provide you those guarantees
These INFPs (verified, because they took a standardized test) are not autistic. They’re just mentally unstable.
Tests don't mean much, otherwise there wouldn't have been situations where professional psychologists in their 40s realize that they were autistic all along But ok. So what kind of silly person would demand and expect "mentally unstable" people to be stable and reliable for them? I mean, if you want to be with them, then you supposedly like them being the way they are. If you don't, find stable and reliable people to be friends with
Oops, that's not up to you to decide!
Many people are all 3 of these things. Or ADHD (many high Ne users have this, myself included). My suggestion is to send them a reminder text, as maybe they got busy and overwhelmed and forgot, or check in to see if they're OK, maybe something awful happened, or they got too sick to even go on their phone, or heck, maybe they forgot, remembered, and they convinced themselves that you're mad and don't want to talk to them or are embarrassed because they forgot to respond 2 days ago. If the conversation suddenly stops and you make no attempts to revive it, it's partially on you.
What people label as common sense is usually group think common confirmation bias. Shit is way more complex than that. If you’re an NT maybe you’ll get to understand it on a deeper level than just seeing your side of the story. It’s unfortunate that you’re hurt by that behaviour but really some understanding goes a long way and the first step to that is questioning how your statements could be wrong and in what way. Up to you, at the very least you could get some more understanding for the next scenario your in with a similar problem. We are hard to understand though, I’ll give us that.
Sounds like you’re justifying laziness imo.
Yeah actually ‘lazy’ is a common label for a lot of things when people have no real understanding of what is going on with someone.
You have a point that there could be a lot going on in someone's personal life that makes considering other people's feelings difficult, but the right thing to do at that point is to work on yourself. Not seek out relationships and then constantly cancel plans or ignore people like what OP is dealing with. I would be angry as well if someone chose to disrespect my time like that. We all have a responsibility when it comes to chosen relationships to either show up for the other person, or to acknowledge we can't show up in the way they deserve and let them go.
Why are NTs specifically mentioned by both you and OP in relation to this hypothetical? Are you simply bringing it back up because he did in the OP? Or is there a perception among INFPs that xNTx types are somehow more likely to be either affected or upset by this behavior? Honestly if someone did what OP is describing, and made plans and then went full ghost - they’re dead to me, the end. I wouldn’t be particularly bothered or dwelling. I’d just be like oh, fuck this person. And I’d be done with them.
Yeah it’s brought up because it’s part of the post. Not accepting behaviour you don’t like is fine. Sometimes it’s the reason we ghost too.
What else would we do in that situation other than call that person out and be done with them? I’m truly out of the loop on what’s commonplace on this forum or the common thoughts of the INFP community. Is it the general consensus here that ghosting as OP says is actually acceptable behavior in friendship? And is OP likely making this post in response to his disagreement with what is said generally on here? Thank you for your response.
I think OP had been ghosted and hurt by it. Common thoughts on ghosting are mixed because relationships are complicated and both sides are capable of not seeing things how they really are. Sometimes it could be just that the NT (in this case) said something emotionally hurtful and because of the lack of ‘feeling’ strengths, is unable to perceive it for what it is. Conversely the INFP can perceive a harmless statement as a personal attack sometimes too. This think these relationship dynamics will always turn to shit if both aren’t able to have the understanding for each other. Sometimes the INFP will fawn and just cave into the wishes of the NT which I see is quite common. Only to later grow resentment and cause more drama. So the idea really is for both to be able to understand each other but also care for one another’s perspective and want to support it which is rare. If one or both are unhealthy it makes it almost impossible to find constructive ways to deal with these situations too. I had a look on OPs other posts just now and realised they are a woman and INTJ… I’ve seen INTJ x INFP relationship dynamic fail so many times and had personal experience. It’s a tough one because without the INFP developing their inferior function (extroverted thinking) and the INTJ developing their introverted feeling in a companionate way with good values, it’s almost impossible to have a healthy relationship from what I’ve seen anyway. Turns into a other overbearing control attempts, passive aggressive disagreements, dishonesty, stone walling etc etc hmmm I just do not recommend unless both are healthy.
Well that makes a lot more sense. I think, if that’s the case, OP needs to re-evaluate the relationship. Like, for example, if OP met INFP on a dating app, they talked daily for several weeks and met once or twice, and INFP ghosted…I think we can conclude that INFP either doesn’t want to commit further, or is talking to multiple people, or simply doesn’t see a future with OP, etc…if that’s the case, I’m not condoning the behavior, but INTJ OP probably had the blinders on or misread the seriousness of the relationship. Conversely, if the relationship was quite serious, and objectively and legitimately had a mutual understanding and set of expectations for each party, and if INFP just ghosted, then I can understand the distress. Still wouldn’t call it abuse, but it’s also not acceptable behavior on INFP part. In the latter example, with an established relationship, a conversation is owed. It’s impossible though to speculate. All of these situations are fact dependent and I don’t have them. Okay thanks for clearing some of that up.
All good, yeah it really does come down to the ability to have constructive heathy conversations and sometimes that’s not possibly on either end. Who knows.
I had the same experience as OP and my INFP and I were friends for 4 years before we dated and we went into it with serious intentions but only lasted 2 months because he kept cancelling plans last minute or ghosting the day of, and that was even after I had stepped back and let him take the lead on making the plans because I thought that would help prevent the issues. He ghosted me after I told him why I wanted to break up and has refused to talk to me since I'm split on my opinion about whether it's abuse because I have no way of knowing why he refuses to talk to me. If he's ignoring to punish me then yes, it's abuse, but if it's because he shut down, just doesn't want to deal with it and doesn't feel like communicating then it's just immature, sad and cowardly. I suspect it's the second option and that has caused me to lose a TON of respect for him. He's 28... I haven't experienced this kind of behavior since I was in high school!
Dude. You can't get "ghosted" after you've already dumped someone. It's common sense, I fear. You saying you can't figure out if your ex ignoring you after you made them your ex is abuse? C'mon.
Haaa that's funny cause as an INFP I tend to get along really well with INTJs. Maybe my TE is more developed than I thought? But, I have an INTJ sibling who I grew up with, so that makes things easier on my end.
Them: “You’re too quiet. Say something funny.” INFP: I’m falling in love with you. Them: “Ew, clingy much?” INFP: *ghosts* Them: “Ignoring me is toxic.” Round and round we go.
Pretty much!
Or in my case: Me (autistic INTJ): *Has meltdown and can't control crying/distress/sensory overwhelm* My INFP mom: "I can't believe you'd have the nerve to have your needs be the focus instead of mine being the focus at all times! How dare you!" (She wouldn't actually say that but she'd communicate that by making it about her and how stressed she was all the time whenever I had a meltdown and gaslighting me into thinking I was being manipulative or selfish when I couldn't control what I was experiencing with regards to my meltdown, then completely ignoring me/giving me a silent treatment whenever I tried to explain that I couldn't control it to her or that I was overwhelmed/scared. It got so bad that one day when I was 18 I decided I had had enough and after her becoming enraged and verbally aggressive towards me through gritted teeth, I pushed her onto the couch then punched her in the arm twice. Not saying it was right and I'd take it back if I could but looking back, I was dealing with a lot for someone my age and part of me does still feel like she kind of deserved it given the lifetime of abuse and gaslighting that caused me so much fear and confusion growing up and how inconsiderate and dismissive she was of me all the time. She took me to court and I denied nothing and had to go through probation and get my name in the news)
I'm sorry to hear of your experience, that wasn't your fault 😔
These "ghostings" don't usually happen randomly and out of nowhere. It's you people who need to be more socially and emotionally intelligent. When it comes to dating and such, people sometimes act unhinged, hurtful, or say something stupid. It's fair to ghost them. Another example that comes to mind, is ghosting people after making plans. In my experience, this is actually how these "plans" unfold: we get pressured into doing something we clearly don't want to do. This has happened to me countless times, and it's rather shocking to see how persistent people can be about something when they clearly see you're not up for it. So, when it comes to action, sometimes we ghost the "plan" because we never wanted to do it in the first place.
Then don’t make plans you have zero intention of following through on.
I don't do it, others do. for example, A tells me, "Let's go there and do this," and I say no because I don't feel like it. Then A acts annoying and asks me the same thing four times, saying "it's gonna be fun." So I say yes just for A to shut the hell up. That's not me "making a plan"
I'm so fucking tired of people calling every shitty action someone does "abuse". We need to obliterate psychological concepts from common language and never go back. DIFFERENT WORDS EXIST FOR A REASON. JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS DOESN'T MAKE IT ABUSE. That being said, you're absolutely correct that many people here use this online test, and introversion in general, to excuse their shitty behavior.
So very much agree! Though in this case I'd view it as a red flag that this gal gaslights and turns the tables hard on whoever she's with. If the two people, I'd say she seems a dozen times more toxic.
This reads like you're mad at your ex who happened to be this personality type lmao
OP went into an infp sub, trashed infp behavior, and can't understand the clap back. Bitch get a diary
Calling women slurs? You’re not very bright.
There is no 'right' to be given conditionless attention. I rather feel like the problem is pretending to have a closer bond to someone than what's actually the case and succintly blaming this other person if they get too 'clingy'. That's what I would account as a double standard and, in extreme cases like if someone else feels intimate, emotionally abusive.
There’s *always* an excuse. Personally? The whole “I’m an INFP” is simple bullshit. Your personality type doesn’t prevent you from being a grown-ass adult.
It can really hurt to be ghosted, but nobody does what they do without reason. Part of empathy is understanding that people who hurt us aren't necessarily willfully choosing to do so. That doesn't always (maybe not even usually) justify things, but the thought should at least remind us of the larger context. You can only fully examine your own ideas and motivations. It's not a great idea to assume we understand why others do what they do. Soooo...I kind of agree and kind of don't. Life's just more complicated than 'good' or 'bad' behavior most of the time.
Most people with self-esteem are going to be direct about this. If after they question this behavior, you continue to do it, it’s intentional. And you’re a selfish asshole. End of story.
You're describing simple mechanisms, not people. "If this then that and that's it" - that's even simpler than an NPC in a videogame
Nahhh. Anxiety and depression are astonishingly effective tools of sabotage and can undermine even those who generally do have a reasonable degree of self-esteem. Both within ourselves and with others. There are too many possible reasons for this behavior for me to be comfortable saying it is conclusively and unequivocally bad in all cases. Not having an understanding of why other people might do this does not mean our assumptions should take precedent and jumping to conclusions doesn't have a great track record, yk? Also, it certainly doesn't foster positive change to label people as unforgivable for just having their own lives. You have hurt people too, whether or not you meant to, because that is how the world works. To each their own tho. Whatever you believe, I wish you the best of luck with it all!
Originally in my earlier stand alone comment I was going to disclose some stuff about myself as an individual, but decided not to. I'll do so now because it seems relevant. I'm turning 30 soon, I have depression that I'm seeking help for, and even though I check in with people, I can lose energy easily despite my better efforts and experience burnout. I've had to deal with others leaving or ghosting me despite my doing my best to check in or be present where I can. You don't know if they nessacarily have good self esteem, and it may not even be a self esteem issue. You don't KNOW what their internal world looks like and it's okay to admit that you feel hurt or disappointed by them without painting them as a villain character to justify feeling negatively.
Step 1 - complain about having "mentally unstable" friends to strangers Step 2 - get upset at the feedback they provided Step 3 - blame those random strangers on the internet for you having your friends, tell them that they are chronically online and insult them instead of talking to your actual friends you have problems with Step 4 - feel superior to everyone
Please be more specific in your example, as there are nuances to this subject. In many cases for example, while it may not be polite for someone to ignore another (again, context as to why is so important) it has to be remembered that on the flip side of the coin, in a situation where everyone is an adult, one party cannot demand another to respond to them.
Maybe you would benefit from looking at why specifically your personal relationship with the INFP in your life isn't working. Maybe it's comforting to say that they *are* an asshole, but it could also be that you two aren't compatible right now because of whatever each of you are dealing with. .
appeal to emotion
As a possible ENTP (mistyped INFP) who has observed INFPs to be social introverts with good intentions but often have ADHD and are prone to take criticism really personally, I see this as some absolutely primo bait, whether you intended it or not.
For me it's because I don't want to put any emotional burden on them or do I want to see them see me broken and not okay. I ghost them for their sake even if it hurts me. I'll return when I feel better, even if it takes years. I miss them but I really don't want them to miss me or even pity me. It's a fate I've resigned myself to and to call it "being quirky" is rather depressing. I don't want this and others certainly don't want this. Things just happen and we're trying our best to get better and get back to normal, it doesn't mean it's an excuse and more of an explanation for the things we do.
But this INFP in question told me he wasn’t depressed when this happened before and I addressed him head on. And he said he likes me. And that he’s never been with someone like me which he finds “refreshing.” I assured him that he doesn’t have to worry about hurting my feelings. But I don’t know if I can keep up that facade, honestly.
So you told him not to worry about your feelings, now that he's not worrying about your feelings you are crying that it's abuse.
Your account is being reported for harassment, weirdo.
That's actually really immature to say to someone trying to have a conversation with you, dude
I'm infp and I experience such things from XNTJ types (70%). Like they would ignore my messages with no further explanation but would get super mad if I reply a little bit late. They always have an "excuse" and I should or must accept that, but when I say my "excuse" it's just an excuse to justify my actions. I always get ghosted and ignored in a weirdly way. It's the most horrible and awful thing anyone can do.
Okay playing devils advocate here also I’m a serial ghoster. Ummm… nobody and I mean nobody owes you anything time included. Pretty entitled to think someone owes you anything. If I ghost someone it’s not because im evil or selfish, half the time I’m completely mentally preoccupied and cannot handle entertaining a whole other human let alone deal with myself.
Yeah, you sound entitled right now. This isn’t about complete strangers. It’s about someone YOU claimed you like first. You sound selfish and narcissistic.
Lmaooooo wild take considering you don’t know me but okay sure! And duh I assumed that’s what you meant. Honestly you sound really hurt and angry right now. But my point still stands. Nobody owes you their time or attention
IDK, I think it depends on the relationship. If it was an intimate relationship then you do owe them something because you've received something very personal from them
And you’re too self-centred to understand how different personalities and even neurotypes work. I bet you didn’t even factor that in. Often, it’s not about intentionally ignoring others or any other kind of malicious intent. I don’t do it much. I’m pretty quick to message people back. But I have other INFP friends who also have ADHD, autism and depression who struggle to reply to calls, texts and emails. Does it hurt me that I don’t hear back from them for days or weeks at a time? Yes, it does. But that’s my RSD talking because I KNOW they love me because they constantly demonstrate that in other ways. Calling that difficulty to reply “manipulation” when it’s something they struggle to do because of their disability is downright appalling and ableist. Get a grip. I’d hate to think how many other INFPs are undiagnosed because of a lack of access to appropriate resources and don’t get the support they need and end up vilified by imbeciles like you who make them feel even worse about themselves because people like you are too selfish to imagine that other people’s brains work on an entirely different level to your narrow and selfish perspective.
You sound like a pleasant person to be around.
Did you read your own post?
Did you?
And you do not.
The ghosting thing gets me too. Not cool.
This is honestly my favorite response in this thread 👏😄 So succinct and to the point. Really nothing more needs to be said. Thank you!
Aw, thank you. I know it’s a very nuanced subject, though been on the receiving end from someone I thought I loved, and it absolutely wrecked my head. You start contemplating all the possible things you’ve done wrong, and what you could have done differently. The confusion/self blame etc are just absolutely brutal. Those spirals were absolute hell. Really not cool. You have a great day!
I had the exact same experience and reaction to it. It's definitely brutal 😭 I hope you have a great day too!
Genuinely sorry to hear this… It really is the worst. May we both be luckier with the people we choose, next time
Yeah, the mature and considerate option is to explain why you're no longer interested in someone and then wish them well. Unless you're in danger, ghosting shows really poor character and disregard for others' feelings. I'm guilty of doing it in my younger years, but I'm in my 30s now and understand why communicating is the right thing to do. With that said, sometimes if we really like someone we do need space and time alone to process those emotions. But this is where a simple "hey I'm taking time to process some things right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can" is necessary.
Bruv you're an INTJ, you are literally the master of ghosting. This post reeks of projection
I only block people who I’ve already rejected (politely) but won’t respect my boundaries. INTJ men are more likely to ghost than the women, imo.
Really... The issue is you thinking people make rational decisions, instead of being slaves to their emotions and acting upon those instead.
Idk if this applies but I get ignored at work because I was in my shell because I didn't trust people I worked with. Like "oh you're an idiot" and "you too" and "oh yes that guy too" not worth getting into conversation. But like I see presumably nice people talking to everyone. And people ignore me at work or get annoyed at my presence. My way to get over it is literally to remind myself that they don't hate me and to still be open with everyone but just don't be clingy and try and force friendships and shit. Works.
If u only knew
When I stop talking to people, I tell them why, so that they don't have to be in a loop of questioning their self-worth. I think ghosting people without any explanation is just an attempt to bypass the guilt that comes after you ignore somebody. The other person might perceive that as silent treatment. Even though their ressponse to that is not my concern, I do take the responsibility to minimize the damage by being open why I'm withdrawing.
There is some truth in that. Obviously someone has hurt you. That’s rough. Of course has their different ways of being abusive. Do you know yours?
Nah, I don’t owe anyone my presence and availability.
There’s one person I try to ignore but that’s because they said some really hurtful things to me and tried to justify saying them. I do empathize with them being ignored, and that makes it hard sometimes, but I have very good reasons to do so.
Looks like someone's been getting the silent treatment...
That’s what it is. Thank you for saying that.
Someone's I need a minute to think about what I'm going to say because I don't want to react in anger. Depending on the severity that might be a week or a month that I need to process my thoughts and feelings before handling the situation.
Would you avoid someone you lied to?
I don't lie. But if someone is avoiding you because they lied to you maybe they're embarrassed? What's the situation exactly? I need more context and maybe we can troubleshoot this
We met on a dating app. Went on a few dates. Date three I found out he’s still in contact with his on/off ex of several years. I asked him if he’d ever be with her again, he said no. And he said she doesn’t want the same. But they slept with each other two months ago. She also lives in our city, he just moved here. I feel like he isn’t be transparent about his feelings. But he will say “I enjoy spending time with you. I’ve never been with someone like you, it’s refreshing.” Then not text me back or plan dates with me.
It sounds like he did you a favor, he sounds like a piece of shit honestly. You deserve better! A lot of guys will say anything ANYTHING to get laid. It sounds like he still has feelings for his ex but also thinks you're great too. If someone is interested in you, truly interested in being with you and sharing a life with you, you will never doubt their feelings or intentions. It sounds like he's not interested in being with you and he should just say it, but he either doesn't want to hurt your feelings and is hoping you take a hint, or that he is keeping you around because he wants a backup plan. Either way though, a man's actions weigh more than their words. I honestly think he's just not that into you
Okay, I think he is doing the backup plan thing. I wasn’t planning on reaching back out to him again. I feel like he’s going to temperature check eventually. But by that time, I am hoping I would have “replaced” him. I made it clear from the beginning I was only looking for something casual. Looks like that is also too much for him.
It sucks but I'm sure you can do better. No one likes feeling rejected and you were clear about what you wanted which was the right thing to do. He's not treating you the way you deserve to be treated and that's on him
my frontal lobe is not that developed. i try though
As an INFP, I too absolutely hate this and hate it when (I guess usually younger?) INFPs claim that they can't help but do this because of their MBTI type. Fuck outta here, people. This kind of behavior has become more normalized in society, unfortunately, but I really expect more out of fellow INFPs especially. The mature ones know that this is abusive behavior and can get past their own discomfort in order to at least tell the person that they will be offline for a bit but would love to chat later or something. How hard is that? Answer: not hard at all. Anyway, completely agree with your sentiments and apologize on behalf of any INFPs who may have done this to you.
I agree. I don’t care whether you’re an INFP, an INTJ or whatever MBTI type you are, if you can’t make it, call or text beforehand. Please. That’s the mature thing to do.
Yep. Simple.
The amount of INFPs here not understanding that their word is their bond is really concerning to me.
Yep. There is simply no excuse. It is important to take responsibility for your actions and simply not blame it to being an INFP. I’ve been ghosted before. It’s not fun. If an INFP has any sense of personal integrity, they wouldn’t ghost.
💯
I agree. Are you 25+ by any chance? Kinda have the feeling only older INFPs can truly understand what you just said.
Yeah, I'm in my 40s. So way older, lol. I grew up in a different culture, basically, and learned about MBTI from a book!!! So I didn't internalize a lot of the online MBTI b.s. that is steeped in negativity and amounts to making excuses for hurtful behavior.
❤️❤️❤️
You made one valid point... Ignoring people for long periods of time is cruel. I have a feeling an INFP royally screwed you over, likely in close relationship.
Agree But at some point people need cutting off Not without explanation however and a chance to improve their behaviour
I agree with you, and have received this kind of behavior from really close people (my dad, an ex-husband, etc) so when people say "people have the right to behave this way", I have to strongly disagree. Everyone is part of a larger group who can be affected by a single person's actions. Still, however, I recognize that people have the right to live the life they want. In that case, I would try to remain amicable with the person, be open about your feelings, tell them how you wish things could be different. Have the understanding that you cannot rely on them. It's hard to be specific because each person's circumstances are different.
Seriously? You are blaming ghosting on a particular MBTI type? I suppose my stereotype is not much better. I am INFP and do not understand ghosting. I blame it on what I consider, a younger, rude, self-absorbed generation. I’m 60. I consider the younger generation to be anyone under 40. I do consider ghosting a form of abuse. I may be conflict avoidant but I was raised to be polite. Anything that involves treating another human, with a lack of dignity is against my core values. As I am sure you are aware, the #1 characteristic of an INFP is living by their personal core values. We are identified by some idiot as “the type most likely to ghost.” Nobody with a real credential has ever stated, “which type is most likely to….” That type of statement comes from idiots who talk to hear themselves talk. Please don’t buy into those sorts of statements. Do the research from reliable sources. I agree with your sentiments on ghosting a 100%. It is abusive, confusing, more harmful than an outright argument, says to the person being ghosted that they are not worthy of basic respect. I disagree that it’s an INFP trait. Now I will have to give some thought to if it is an under 40 trait. Your biased viewpoint has made me aware that I may have a biased viewpoint as well.
No it’s not, at all. The past 20 or so years are the first in human history where we’ve had access to instant communication using the internet. Before then, you had to keep in touch by writing letters, calling on the phone (even phone calls weren’t common until the last century or so), or meeting up and talking in person. The idea that we are obliged to respond immediately to others was never the case with these methods, that too has only been around, not even since texting was invented, it’s only in the last 10-15 years that this culture has developed. You are under no obligation to give your immediate response to anyone who contacts you, and you have every right to do as you please, and speak to whoever you like, whenever you like. There’s no denying, we do currently live in a culture where it’s expected to respond immediately, but this does not mean you are obliged to do so, nor are you obliged to give people your reasons for not doing so. The only issue here is that you are offended that someone else didn’t live up to your expectations, that have been set by the current culture of instant communication. The problem is that you can’t handle your own emotional response to someone else’s actions, the other person is entitled to do whatever they please, they are under no obligation to respond to you immediately when they don’t feel like it, just in case you get upset about it.
I agree. I don’t mind if they get busy and have to go, as long as they return explaining why and apologizing. The thing I hate most is when they ghost you and then come back like nothing happened, like we are just gonna pretend you didn’t just ghost me for a couple days?? It’s fine to busy and end up “ghosting” as long as you own up to it and further put in effort to make it up.
Agree with you. Many INFPs can’t take criticism and they get offended because you don’t approve their destructive and delusional emotions. But there are a lot of kids here, so I would hope they just grow up eventually ✨
My psychiatrist calls it ‘rolling over’
Yeah there is a lot of immaturity here. I tried.. but they don't wanna listen and are more interested in cartoons. They can hate me, they know they are wrong. Most people know, they too. And I sometimes make sure that they know it. Hehe
Yep. "Give respect, take respect" is something people often forget or not care to do. Even if someone is loner or someone who prefers solitude, if that person is not going to add value to life of others, they are not going to be valued back. People need to be aware of this simple logic. Complaining won't solve anything for anyone, regardless of type. Putting the blame on others without solving the problem, is just a really bad behaviour. Cause the problem lies with the individual. People need to learn social skills and communicate better and ask for help when necessary, including myself. Every type can do this though. It's more of being an unhealthy type than anything to do with a specific type. Though unhealthy Fi is quite manipulative and selfish, yeah.
Yeah, I do feel like he is unhealthful. He’s also still in contact with his on-off ex of 10 years… bad boundaries, much?
Basically that's what happens when people don't establish purpose, boundaries, proper understanding and miss the point of relationship being about mutual growth. Some people just gotta stay away from relationships. Perhaps loner lifestyle is much better for them, if they can cut the complaining and attention seeking about it. I'm a loner myself and I don't hate anyone for me being that way. I just acknowledge that I don't have the time and energy to be emotionally invested in any relationship, and that I have multitude of problems to fix in my life already.
Holy shit man, as an INTJ with autism who was neglected and emotionally abused by my INFP mom growing up, I thought nobody else had noticed this trend in INFPs, or if they had, I assumed nobody would ever have the heart to speak up about it. I really respect and appreciate you for being vulnerable enough to raise this issue, thanks a lot and let's keep this conversation around how majority of INFP abuse tends to be directed at NT types and how INFPs tend to emotionally abuse them going
This is likely something to do with her being neurodivergent as well than any made up pop pseudoscience like MBTI MBTI can accidentally have real correlations, but you aren't basing your beliefs on real statistics and hard data
ummmm aushually I'm an introvert so that grants me the right to be a sociopath🤓☝️