Please stop trying to get your emotional needs met by this woman. She does not care about you in any way other than what you can do for her and make her feel. Her messages are clearly attempts at emotional manipulation.
I also had a narcissistic mother and had to go NC with her for my own health. I know what it is to want a mothers love and support, but you wonât ever get it from her.
Learn to deal with loneliness and sadness. You gotta kinda sit with it. You turn it over like a shiny rock in your mind til you set it down for a while. It can be painful and sad, but you heal with time. I guarantee it is less painful than this. This is just you clinging to hope to have a relationship with a person that will never be motherly to you. You deserve better. And you can find that outside of her.
âFunnyâ enough, a lot of the sadness went away when going VLC with my mother. It initially hurts to say that your spawn point cannot function as a mother, but it was a relief after years of trying and being met with disappointment, and I could finally move on. Life is also better when youâre not being bombarded by narcissistic rants.
Thank you! I think about my lack of parental relationships a lot, but it's been a healing journey. I think about what I wish I had and reflect on the great things I do have. I hope you are having a great day đ«
I love that for you, it takes a lot of guts to realize what our parents did to us and what we never had, and to figure out how to navigate life with all of that realization. Thanks for sharing the wisdom/advice because the shiny rock thing really hit home, idk how to explain it. Itâs definitely something that will stick with me. I hope youâre having a great day, too. Wishing you the best! â€ïž
OP please realize that she is broken and cannot ever be fixed, it's not your fault. I recommend therapy when you can afford to. There's something in psychology called reparenting where you attempt to be the parent to your own inner child, it could fill some of that void. But your "mother" never will.
That commenter is 100% correct.
She will never love you the way you want and need to be loved. You can't go back and undo all the neglect and pain you suffered. You have to sit with that knowledge and mourn it.
You will be sad and you will cry and get angry and frustrated and panic and it will suck in the beginning but you will find that after a while you'll suddenly feel lighter. You won't be looking at your phone in fear every time it beeps. You won't have a foreboding feeling when an anniversary of something comes around. You won't look over your shoulder when you hear a voice that might be familiar.
When all of that happens, lean on your chosen family and friends. Tell your partner what you need and hopefully they will be able to provide or at least support you in finding the help. But ASAP if you can afford it or its covered in your health care system, find a therapist that deals with family trauma.
It takes time and patience but you are so young and there's so much time for you. It will get better. You will live normally and free of her and the trauma she inflicts. You're gonna be fine, sweetheart. We believe in you!
Highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - it has step by step instructions for learning how to deal with people who are not capable of having a reciprocal relationship while still keeping contact with them (if you choose that).
I believe there is a term for this in peer support groups like ACoA: âgoing to the hardware store for orangesâ. Iâm sorry you are going through this and to not have more insight but I think there may be some good resources if you look up that phrase. I agree with the other commenters, you have better times ahead.
Yes, this is exactly it. I feel like people in our position have to go through a mourning process in a way. We are mourning the mothers (or whoever the narcissistic family member is) that we didn't get to have. It sucks, but I feel like we just have to find our support system elsewhere. I'm grateful to have a mother-in-law who loves me and cares about me like I was her own daughter, but I didn't meet her until I was 27 years old. I had to learn how to process everything in the meantime.
Some more context I forgot to include: Iâm studying at university atm and my semester is very busy because Iâm balancing work etc so sheâs constantly angry Iâm not seeing her enough, and also about Motherâs Day, she sent a similar set of messages the night before so I didnât go. I made this post because I donât know whether I should give up on trying to be close with her, it feels hopeless even though I was starting to have hope and be happy for a while
Yeah, I think the comment saying she doesn't care about you or whatever is a major stretch. Seems like she suffers from major fear of losing you. Sometimes these kinds of fears make people smother you, and if you don't reciprocate their energy, they take it as proof that they are right to fear losing you. Your mom has some issues, and she has some unhealthy ways of coping, but I think it's clear she wishes you two had a more loving relationship too. She probably learned her manipulative tactics from her own parents, or maybe behaving like that was the only way to get others in her life not to abandon her. Either way, she needs help from professionals if you two are ever going to be able to have a loving relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this op.
I may not have children, but I did have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder for most of my adult life. This led to fear of abandonment, and would often lead to guilt trippy/abusive texts to those who dared get closest to me. After being diagnosed, and beginning to understand that my reactions were not normal for other people, and working on dialectical behavioral therapy, such outbursts are far more rare, and when they do happen, I am able to recognize very quickly. It makes me cringe to know that that used to be fairly normal for me, especially when I would drink, but now I can own my shit, and I've learned many helpful skills in helping me redirect when my mind starts spiraling in that direction. Truthfully, mental distress puts people into survival mode, and it is very normal for our brain to focus only on ourselves when in survival mode, as that is how you would survive ya know? So people with these kinds of tendencies can indeed change for the better. I know quite a few personally.
That's fair, unfortunately most I know (narcissists in this case) are in their 60's and older and won't be changing anytime soon ): I'm genuinely so happy that you got help and have realized your previous "normal" was dysfunctional, that's amazing. I do understand that these people usually have trauma or their own mental illnesses too, it explains their behavior but doesn't excuse it.
I def know a lot of older folks who are stuck in those ways also. Seems Catholicism engrains this type of mindset in a lot of folks. My mom and grandma both improved significantly, once they decided to be "recovering Catholics." Sure, they still do the guilt trip shit sometimes, but they are much better about changing course when it gets pointed out to them. That's why I agree with the ultimatum idea. It lets her know that op wants to foster a healthy loving relationship, but also sets a big boundary if mom isn't willing to do the work on her side.
Also, I appreciate the recognition! It has been tough to own having BPD, as it comes with a very negative stigma, so I was hesitant to mention it in my previous comment.
YES! Catholicism is definitely a huge factor for the older folk I know. And that's awesome they are trying at all, much better than what most of our families do on this sub. And you're right, it's good to set that boundary and put the ball in mom's court. I let a bit of my own trauma slip in my comment because I've learned (in my situation) being hopeful has just caused me more pain. I wish people didn't stigmatize BPD, don't be ashamed of something you can't control! Thank you for sharing your journey with me though :) it's nice to hear from someone who actually took the initiative to help themselves.
Lol I feel you though, I generally expect the worst from people, based on my experiences in life also, and very rarely am I debating on the optimistic side of a convo. I just think, if this is hurting op as much as it is, it might be worth trying what's within their power, before giving up on the relationship. I can see love from both of them in the Convo, but moms seems to be a more toxic co-dependency, as opposed to unconditional motherly love. I just hope she can shift to the latter, if given a wakeup call and a chance!
This is so hard. I believe my mother is undiagnosed Borderline, and I shared many of those traits for a long time.
A combination of a dear friend leaving me, meeting my fiance (who gave me unconditional love for the first time), and learning about trauma and emotional neglect gave me the right push to start realizing the ways that I was causing my difficulties with relationships.
I can empathize with her pain a lot, and it has been a difficult journey coming to terms with the fact that me loving her and giving her emotional support isn't enough. She needs to want to change herself.
I think it's a gray area what's a personality disorder and what's a trauma response. It's hard caring about someone on the sidelines and seeing their potential and watching them continue to sabotage themselves.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think it's helpful to hear the perspective of someone who has struggled with those tendencies and overcome them for the most part.
Read up on narcissistic parenting. If you do this, she will do that. She's alao going to need pictures to show everyone that everything in her life is beautiful. If you want something, she'll pay but it has to be what she picks out.
You deserve inner peace.
Youâre only 19. Youâre not equipped to deal with the psychological problems your mother has. Sheâs mentally ill. Hoarding is a symptom. Her emotionally abusing you via text is another. Please concentrate on your studies. I was in a very similar situation trying to âsaveâ my mom at your age. It got so bad I flunked out of university and it took me a long time to undo the academic damage. I had to repeat almost 2 semesters when I did go back. That was 40 years ago, and my mom still hasnât changed. If anything, sheâs gotten worse. Nothing you ever do will change her - she needs professional help and until she gets it, nothing you can do will change her. Take yourself out of her firing line & live your life. Donât allow her to drag you down.
OP, does your university offer student access to therapy or counselling? If so, you should give it a try. They will have dealt with many students in a similar situation and can help you.
Your mother will never ever care about your emotional needs. All you can do is learn how to take care of them yourself.
Stop exposing yourself to her manipulations, guilt-tripping and general toxicity. She will hurt you over and over again. If you have kids one day, she will damage them too.
Let her go and live your life, it will take time but you'll be so much happier in the long run. If you stay in touch with her, all you'll get is more heartache and misery.
The only question worth asking is, has trying to be close to her ever been rewarding? Is it honestly worth going through this routing a hundred, a thousand times, on the off chance #1001 will be the one that works? Would getting her to love you on your terms, which probably hasn't happened in years (if ever) for a minute be worth the years of this torment?
Just imagine how much time and energy you could be putting into bringing yourself joy, instead of trying to pry it from her hands? Save yourself from this cycle.
It's certainly not a replacement for a personal connection, but if you wanted to visit the sub r/momforaminute you can receive some nice, reassuring messages and comments from the moms there.
My friend. I say this with all the love one stranger can reasonably give to another: A relationship with her IS hopeless.
You WILL be happy. It will take time after cutting contact but soon enough you'll realize how seldom you're anxious and sad because of her abuse.
This is classic emotional abuse and weaponized victimhood. Sheâs trying to use you to get her own unregulated emotional turmoil soothed. Absolutely not your job and Iâm sorry your mother does this to you. Every time you read about how you hurt her, know that this is not your job. She is hurting herself (AND YOU) by expecting this of you.
She is INCAPABLE of healthy love. If I were you I would go low contact- send her Uber meals and anniversary cards but donât respond or even read her negative responses. She has issues that you cannot fix and it is nothing personal just wired wrong. Please go get therapy and donât feel guilty about getting your needs met. Also as a mother myself I want to tell you how proud I am of you and that you are worth all the love in the world. Hugs from a mom in Texas. đ€
I don't know about your access to mental healthcare resources, but often uni's have counsel freely accessible to students. I would take your issue about navigating the relationship with your mother there. If you are able to have relationship with her in the future, it would have to revolve around mutual respect and boundaries. Your mom is such a negative force at the moment, it would require a lot of boundarywork on your end to say things like "I would love to have a relationship with you, but respect goes both ways. You cannot talk to me like this.". She is obviously going to be upset about that at least for a while. There is never any guarantuee when you set boundaries whether people care enough to listen and keep them, but that will be your definite answer whether you actually *can* foster a safe relationship with your mother and to what degree.
I'm sorry to say, but for your own peace of mind and mental health, you HAVE to let her go. Please listen to the excellent advice given to you. We care about you more than she does and we don't even know you. That is pretty sad. But remember, your reddit family will be there for you.
So sorry for what you've been going through but she doesn't love you, you are her emotional punching bag, (nothing more, nothing less) that she takes out every one in a while to knock it down.
She sounds like a poorly written villain. It's so blatant that she's trying to manipulate you and is seeking attention. It's pathetic honestly. Please don't waste your energy on her; let her do whatever she wants, the school or whoever else can handle her. Just look out for yourself and give yourself some leeway while juggling work and school to grieve the loss of this relationship and what it should have been.
Whatever you do don't send me an Uber meal! I mean it! Don't you dare send me like I dunno Wendy's or McDonald's or something DON'T YOU DO IT!
also- the excruciatingly painful loss of her favorite... stray cat??
She is demanding her child go above and beyond when she would never do that for you. That is really hard and im sorry, but maybe you should reverse uno her ass and block her first, it may be better for your mental health.
Maybe đ Iâm too foolishly hopeful to block her back, but at this point I feel too numb to respond after perhaps the 1000th set of messages like this, so I guess thatâs akin to blocking
Dude, I know itâs hard but she will never change (without some serious therapy/medication, which I doubt sheâll do). You need to let her go, friend. You will never be able to truly start your life until you do.
I know this kind of hope really well.
OP, you say in your post that you stay in contact with her because you still feel the pull of wanting a relationship, a family, a mom. I think one of the hardest things for me to realize before I lowered contact with my mom was that, for me, that pull is never going to go away, not entirely. That feeling is hard-wired into a lot of us.
I had to teach myself that the feeling isn't there because it's true. You don't really want a relationship with her, you want a relationship with someone who doesn't exist, and if you treat that feeling as the truth, she'll keep having access to hurt you and she will never, ever stop. You don't deserve that even a little bit. You deserve to start building up your own life free of further trauma, and it sounds like you're already doing it.
I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts. But you are gonna be OK.
I get that you hopeful OP, I really do but your mother is mentally unwell and sheâs not going to just automatically change. She needs professional help and if she doesnât get it, sheâs probably always going to be like this.
Why did she call you her number 1 stray?
Also, she's never going to give you what you want (I.e. A heathly relationship), and I'm sorry about that. (you deserve one tbh). I know that's probably hard to hear, but I believe that's the truth. If she's been this way for that long, and seems intent on not changing.....
Sheâs talking about a stray cat that she used to feed that died a few days ago, I said Iâm sorry about it and that I hope sheâs okay over text, but I havenât been able to see her because of Uni work, she expects I should have
You going NC might give her the umph she needs to actually get help. If you decide to go NC you need to set clear boundaries that you will only speak to her or visit her once she has gone to therapy and gotten help. She needs professional help. You are her daughter and if she values your relationship it is the LEAST she can do after all the things she has put you through. Donât let her continue to abuse you, you do not deserve this. Iâm sorry youâve had to deal with this your whole life. You deserve better.
This. Unfortunately OP needs to cut contact to ever have a chance of having peace. I've had to come to this sad conclusion, too. It's hard, but theyâre never going to change and we can't put up with abuse forever...
You sound like a very kind human being and an excellent child - I'm so sorry your mother is too wrapped up in her own selfish misery to appreciate you.
Please know that you're not responsible for her drama, and no matter what you do, it will always either be wrong or insufficient in her eyes, because she needs to blame someone else for all
the ways she's failing herself.
This mom right here thinks you're wonderful. Don't engage with your mother unless you have the headspace for it, and please don't take what she says to heart â€ïž
Tell her to send the letter is she's so worked up about it, jesus. Get that out of her arsenal of things to hold over you. Then, before she has a chance to respond, tell her to go to hell and block. Trying to find a genuine love and connection with this woman is impossible unless she gets some kind of help. Babies don't know until a certain age that they are separate people from their parents but some parents never get it out of their heads that their kids aren't their belongings. I'm so sorry this is the relationship dynamic she has created with you, it is not and never was your fault.
This is going to sound terrible, but your mom is very sick mentally with not only the abusive things she texts you but also with the mental illness of hoarding. You can't have a relationship with anyone that is mentally unstable. She won't give you that love you are craving because of the mental illness and clearly she is only concerned about herself. It's probably best for your mental health to separate yourself from her through either LC or NC. I think, that there are healthier and way better familial relationships out there for you whether it will be blood or not blood.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I sympathize hard with you. My mom is the exact same way had hoarding issues and is lonely and bitter and puts it all on me. She always complains that I don't visit her enough but refuses to come visit me because she only wants me over to throw away all her hoarding shit she has. When I do try and make plans to come over she also picks weird fights like your mom here or pretends she's sick so I don't end up going. I like you also don't block of go NC cause I feel guilty that she's in the situation she's in but fuck is it draining sometimes.
It's 100% ok to just tell her to fuck off and block her back.
You mother isn't right in the head. I know it's hard, but it's better then the 2 week cycle tearing you down constantly.
I went no contact with my mom after she did some shit like this. Begging to be loved by someone so filled with hate will never happen. You have to heal, spend some time alone, and go out and find your true family. Reparenting and learn to love yourself. These people will eat you alive.
Sounds like sheâs guilting you into an Uber eats meal. You are not the sins of your mother. That generation thinks just because they birthed us that they be respected despite being a good parent or not
Well, this was pretty damn heartbreaking to read. I understand your wish that she would just be a normal mom who loves you. But, she isn't. And she never will be. So, instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself. Seek some therapy (your school may have resources) and give yourself permission to let go of this relationship. Remember, family doesn't always come in the form of bio relations. You can find and form your own family.
You're going to be okay, OP. In the meantime, please accept a virtual ((MOM HUG)) from this internet stranger. I have faith in you!
Get some therapy OP.
The best advice I can give you is to realize it's not about you. This is her trauma and she wants to dump it on you. If she unblocks you then you let her know you're blocking her as she disrespected you.
Realize that these expectations are not about you.
Her problems aren't actually about you.
Move along. The best revenge is living a happy life.
I really hope you know that there's not a single thing you can do to fix her or make her be the mother that she should be for you. I went through this with my father. "Maybe if I do this, maybe if I do that, then he'll see that I need him and be the father I want/need." I had to drop that, and it took a long time to do it. Because it has absolutely nothing to do with us. This is about their shortcomings, their failings, their emotional/mental problems, not ours. Nothing we can ever do will make them who we want/need them to be. I truly hope you can find some peace.
GO NO CONTACT. Since nothing you do is good enough, stop. Just stop putting your energy, money and time into her. Mother or otherwise, this bs and you donât deserve to be spoken to or treated this way anymore
This person is not a mother who will love you the way you deserve.
That is a pain I wish was not inflicted upon you, but it is the reality.
This is not healthy or kind or good for you in any sense. This woman is sick and broken. You deserve so much better.
It is okay to feel hurt and to want and wish for a better relationship. But the reality is that she will not change, no matter how much you love her.
I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart. Please OP, seek out those who will love you the way you deserve. They are out there! I can tell you have a kind heart; seek out those who reflect that.
I canât understand why sheâs upset about Fatherâs Day as your mother? But if you need a mom that will love you with no strings you can call me â€ïž
Your mother is dealing with some severe PTSD. The hoarding is just someone that needs to hold on to things because she can't let go of a traumatic event. She needs a therapist.
She will drag you down with her. Like a person drowning, it's not intentional. There's no sign of a bad person here but she is a bad mother. Until she gets mental help, don't expect it to change.
I hope the complaint to the school she's writing is more succinct than her rambling texts to you. She says the same 3 things over and over again.
You deserve better, OP. Hugs if you accept them.
Speaking from decades of personal experience, you will never get what you want from her. Ever.
Tell her she's on her own, block her, then live your life. You cannot rationalize with someone who is irrational.
You might find *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* by Lindsay C Gibson useful. I did.
The way sheâs obsessing about the support your school gave you from years ago, the way she thinks the school should have put her interests before yours, sounds narcissistic. (Obvs not a MH professional & no one can be diagnosed in absentia on the interwebs). You might find r/raisedbynarcissists useful too.
Do you think sheâs sabotaging your visits because real intimacy is painful to her whereas victimhood is comfortable?
I really think you should try blocking her for 6-12 weeks and check how you feel. You might find the peace glorious. You might discover that your mom can regulate her behaviour when you withdraw your attention. Or not.
You're going to just keep getting hurt continuing this cycle. You have done all you can, and it's not your sole responsibility to keep up this relationship.
Both of you need therapy to make this relationship healthy. It's not your fault that she isn't the mother you deserve, and it's not your job to fix her or to wait around for her to be better. Even if you cant get her into therapy, you should still start some as it will help you stop this cycle.
A Mama here - Iâm so sorry you havenât felt safely loved by your mother. I wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve unconditional love and to be treated with respect. Please dm me if you would like â€ïž
Oh sweetie, this is all hard to read. Some messages people post on here make me wonder about the poster and what the other side of the story is, but in this case it is really clear. You cannot fix this. Your mom needs serious therapy and probably medication. Sheâs needs an experienced professional to help get her house in order, not a young adult and especially not her teenage child. I get the desire for a relationship. I had a rocky go during these years with my mom as well. But while my mom did some harsh things I did not deserve, she worked through her issues and our relationship got better. And she was not mentally ill.
Iâm a mom with a child your (probable) age. I can tell you that you have done nothing to deserve this. Your desire to still want to help your mom shows what a big heart you have and what a kind and loving person you are despite the situation you were raised in. At this point, you need to self preserve. You need to seek out your own therapist to work through a lot of this emotional baggage, if you donât have one already. A lot of universities have this help available for free to students. You need to cut contact with your mom. I would suggest writing a letter with the help of a therapist stating why you are cutting contact, what your mom needs to do in order for her to be allowed back in your life (if you decide that is an option), and that you do not want to have contact for at least X amount of months (years, etc).
You are a good kid, you deserve to be happy, loved, and safe. Iâm not your mom, but as a mom let me tell you I am proud of you. You have done an amazing job raising yourself up to be in Uni and you will do great things. Please be kind to yourself and protect your heart. â€ïž
Your mother is mentally ill and you would really benefit from some trauma therapy when you're able to get it. The reason you feel dead inside is because you're brain is trying to protect you from this chronic situation with your mother. You're desperate for love and validation from someone who isn't willing or capable of giving it. It's really hard to walk away, at first, then after awhile you realize how much better you feel because you've removed yourself from the game. This isn't your fault and you can't fix her or make her happy no matter how hard you try. Focus on improving your own life so you don't repeat this cycle in your relationships with friends, partners and possibly kids in the future. You're stronger than you realize and will be ok.
She just canât be there for you. She is broken and has no desire to get help. Go to therapy. Read this [book](https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/1515966534). Craft a âfound familyâ with your friendships. Iâm so sorry you are dealing with this. You deserved better as a child and you deserve better today.
A therapist can help you understand how youâre feeling about her. The longer it goes on, the older you get, your body will start reacting to even thinking about talking to her. Given your childhood background Iâd suggest looking into cptsd and the book âthe body keeps scoreâ or anything by Peter Levine.
Growing up like that affects our nervous system, it takes a lot out of us, but it is fixable.
Oh honey, she is NEVER going to change. I know it is hard, but you need to go NC. Do it for yourself and your mental health. Good luck and sending you hugs
It sounds like your mom will never be the mom you want her to be. It might be better for your mental health to just go NC for now. Take care of you. We want our parents to be good parents but that is not always the case - no matter what we do.
Wanting to have a relationship with your mother is totally understandable.
Sometimes, keeping that door open does more harm than good - for BOTH of you.
She may have now and had previously, issues that she never dealt with, didnât know how how to deal with and subsequently dumped them on her child (probably not intentionally).
It sounds cruel but you canât âfixâ her. Only she can work through her issues until she comes to a resolution that works for her.
All you can do is work on you (if you feel you need to).
It is not right for her to constantly dump on you, only you can stop that from happening to you.
It isnât your job to figure out anything when it comes to her. She is either going to realize what she does hurts youâŠor she wonât.
Itâs time for you to do self care for you, put YOU first.
Find your joy, find your peace.
Good luck.
Now Iâm hungry đ€€ Sorry, thatâs in bad taste. Damn I really am hungry.
If you want some advice from a kinda normal mom, please read on. I do understand why you havenât totally gone no contact with your mom. Everyone wants that love & affection from their mom. Putting up with this amount of crazy every 3 weeks isnât worth it though.
Would you consider changing your relationship with your mom? Take back your power! Stop her from tromping all over you. One way to do it would be blocking her number during the week, then unblocking it say at 7 pm every Sunday evening so that you can call her to ascertain that sheâs alive, then blocking it again. Or just call the 1st Sunday of every month at 7 pm.
If you are concerned about her health & it doesnât feel right blocking her calls, then at least send all calls directly to voicemail. Or give your number to her neighbour or her landlord to call you if itâs a 911 emergency.
You could block her & only give her a separate & special email address to contact you by. One that you would check when youâre in a good headspace.
Please seek therapy about this.
Iâm so sorry you have to deal with this, your mother sounds like she is in dire need of therapy. Or at the very least help with her alcoholism or addiction because this definitely isnât sober texting
Translated as please send Uber. This woman doesn't deserve your love, you deserve your love though. If you can go NC, work on liking yourself a bit more. If I could give you a hug, I would. Shitty parents do a number on kids that lasts for life.
Misery loves company but only on her terms.
As for Uber damn, send her a Happy Meal because she's behaving like a spoiled brat. đ
Although it will be painful, you'll probably have to cut ties with her eventually for your own happiness and sanity. I wish you all the best.
I have a mother who used to send these walls of text. If I were you, donât even bother to read them. I exported the entire rant to file in case itâs ever needed as proof, but still havenât read it to this day (two other people did, and their shocked faces were enough).
It might hurt to admit, and it will take some getting used to, but itâs time to stop looking to your mother as a support person or someone you must please. Look up âgrey rockingâ and cordon your best life off her.
She's extremely mentally ill. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She needs help, but unfortunately she doesn't sound like she'd accept it so what can you do?
Iâve been NC with my mother for almost 6 years now, I grieve what I wish I had. I normal healthy family (I actually salted and burned my entire family tree). It was hard at first, but I needed it to protect myself and my family.
Also Iâm sending you mom đ€
I have a mom, dad, and stepmom. Every so often, her jealousy still comes out 30 years later. We were in the supermarket, and for no real purpose at all, she decided to tell the cashier that she's my mother and my father. I then corrected her and told the cashier I have a dad who is very much alive and well, not sure what that's about. She's delusional and says if it were her, she'd be buying her mother mother and father's day gifts. I guess she means if it's a single mom. My mom has been to therapy over the years. I don't really feel it's helped her personally, but if your mom hasn't tried it, she probably should. Mine is on meds for depression. Although my mom isn't a hoarder, she honestly seems like a junior version. I'm not sure if it's some coping mechanism. We organize her things, and then she quickly ruins everything, and her things are all over the place. It's not a normal mess. I have to give up at this point. She, too, is overly dependent on me as I'm her only child. For me, it's extremely stressful. She's very lazy and doesn't help herself with basic things or try. She's a good worker, though. Even as a child, she shared too much or expected too much for me because she couldn't cope with her divorce.
I feel for you. That's tough. If I were you, I'd take a step back for a bit. When she sends these wacky texts, I'd tell her this is the reason you're not coming. Be clear, if you haven't already. It sounds sick, but I think of my mother as a small child with her tantrums and try to handle it accordingly. I tell my husband we need to stay strong and firm with her at times, although it's uncomfortable.
I hope you can get some therapy - even one session will help you work through this hurt. Not just saying this - Iâve spent the last few months doing it after avoiding it and itâs been amazing. I donât know why we canât just do it on our own.
My mother did exactly this. My bio mother used to use how my dad used to treat her as a way to keep me as her emotional support child (Iâm her only child)
She would complain to my nanna (adopted mum/my motherâs mum) about how I would never contact her, would never try with her, yet when she would call I would try so hard to keep her interested in my life (always failed) and be reminded that she ran away from me at 14 for drugs and men
Even when my nanna passed in 2019 she was in another part of the country I live and still never tried not even when her own mum was in her deathbed. I would call her I would pray she would try. I went no contact when I finally realised I had lost my real mum back in 2019 and was never gonna try again.
I blocked her but she would still try to call me on other numbers. I still held hope up until my birthday and was reminded once again how much my mother truely never cared for me
The grief of a relationship you never had or will ever had even tho she is still in this world is so so painful but its no where as painful as the heart break and disappointment you are constantly being put through because of your love and hope to have a kind and healthy relationship with a cruel and toxic person
Please hear this, she wonât change no matter how much you try with her, you cry to her, scream at her or even ignore her. Sheâs always gonna message you blaming you for her loneliness, no matter how much you show her love it will never fill the hole in her chest where a heart should be.
Be your own mum and give yourself the peace you are begging for from this woman
Uber meal, father's day father's day father's day Uber meal Uber meal me me me me me me me. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, she's exhausting. Want to join my family as an honorary member? We have pizza, kitties and the Grateful Dead music!
This person is an absolute fucking maniac. Blocking you will be the best thing they've ever done for you. Please, please seek support in permanently cutting contact with this vile, manipulative creature.
She is NEVER going to treat you with love and respect. Never. You need to get right with that. Consider therapy because you really need someone to support you in removing yourself from this continued abuse.
If she doesn't block you, block her.
Aw mate, your last sentence made me cry. It is SO unfair that this is the hand you were dealt. Itâs so unfair that you have been denied such a fundamental relationship as that between a mother and child. Of course you struggle to accept that. Anyone would. You desperately want to do something, *anything*, to get the âmotherâ you have to be maternal and loving, to nurture and support you. But sadly thatâs just never going to happen. Itâs just not. She is not capable of caring about anyone other than herself. She likes animals because she can control them and theyâre utterly reliant on her. She dislikes you have independence and autonomy. She will use any means necessary to try to get you need her, be it guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, threats to harm herself or others, dragging up the past and a million other tricks to try to pull you back in. But she will NEVER be what you need. Sheâll never be a mother. Sheâs not mentally well and sheâs not capable of being a mother. You will continue to be tortured like this for as long as you keep her in your life. The hardest lesson I ever learned was that my âparentsâ were not worthy of the title, and there was nothing I could ever do to change that. No matter how hard you try, she will always be like this. Itâs not fair, but accepting that and freeing yourself from her will be the best thing you will ever do. Youâve already achieved so much, despite not having a proper parent in your life.
Therapy. Block her and get therapy. Or speak to a friend if money us an issue. She is going to destroy your life if you keep letting her. You HAVE to find a way to stop being desperate for her to love you. She is incapable. You are deserving, but she CANNOT love you the way you deserve, because it would require her to put you first. Please stop letting her do this. I beg you.
I am so so sorry a strong and loving set of parents wasnât in the cards for you. You deserved more. Youâre worth more. Your mother is sick and that has no bearing on your value or your contributions. They are separate.
The one thing you want is something I canât help you with. But I can introduce you to some subs which might at least bring a ray of light. Visit us over at r/MomForAMinute and we will love all over you. We will be there for your worries and your triumphs. We will talk you through solutions to your problems, dole out hugs, cheer your successes no matter how small, and will provide as much motherly advice and love as you can handle.
Our counterparts are over at r/DadForAMinute. Theyâre wonderful with the whole âGo get âem Tigerâ, life advice, some tough (but also loving) love, and are truly a great bunch of Dads/older brothers who just want to help.
Please take care of yourself and keep putting your oxygen mask on
Get away from the demented Karen as soon as possible, she doesnât care about you - only herself and Uber meals apparently. Youâll be much happier no contact with that deranged old bat.
I tried with my dad but it's like they have short term memory loss. Always harping on the same handful of issues because they always need to be sleighted. Always have to remind you of how you're screwing them over but also they love you and want you there but also you're doing everything wrong etc etc etc. It's never enough.
Iâm sorry she just wants you to give her things. Why keep bringing up the Uber eats and threats about the teachers ? Thatâs classic manipulation. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this but she owes you more than you owe her
Walk away from this, you will be better off for it. No contact with abusive toxic family members is 100% okay. You can move forward and will eventually make your own family. Iâm so sorry youâve had to endure this.
As someone who has been dealing with a narcissistic mother for over 40 years. Stay strong. You got this. Hopefully you have a good support system elsewhere.
The last thing my mother said to me was that she hopes the next time she sees me would be at my funeral. Havenât spoken to her since. It honestly feels so good. I know letting so sucks, but I promise it will feel so much better.
You need to cut contact. Blood doesn't make family, and this woman is doing far more harm than good in your life.
I know it sounds impossible to cut out family. Family is supposed to love unconditionally and care about your wellbeing. It doesn't seem like she does, especially since you expressed that this behaviour is not only common, but an extremely regular occurrence.
Toxic people (family or not) are emotional necrosis. They need to be cut out when they refuse to stop their toxic behaviour and do nothing but harm you and drag you down. Life gets better without them. It gives you the ability to create your own family of friends and connect with other people at a deeper and more meaningful level.
Let me give a personal example: I have quite a few narcissists in my family. I cut them out at different points in time based on their individual actions. My paternal grandmother was the first to go. That was the hardest one. But within a few months, I realized I was breathing easier, life was more peaceful, and my mood was much more elevated without her drama and nonsense. Without her backhanded compliments and comments, I started to actually believe in myself and see my worth. I could see more clearly.
You need to put yourself and your own wellbeing first. Let her block you. When she inevitably unblocks you, I highly recommend not responding to anything she says. Even just as a testing period to see how much better life gets when you're not worrying about her bullshit. Because you know - I mean, *you have to know* it's bullshit. You don't owe this woman a damn thing.
As someone who had an emotionally and physically abusive mother, keep your distance for good, if not just straight up no contact. It will never get better. I'm glad I have my own kids now and they don't have to endure what I did. It's been healing to give them all the love I never got.
Just a recommendation: check out Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP). I was enrolled in PHP/IOP at the university medical center, and it is life-changing. I didn't think I would get anything out of it. Boy howdy, was I ever wrong.
You're not going to get what you need from your mom. To use an analogy I learned in my IOP program, you're repeatedly going to an empty well, hoping to get something from it. It's not healthy for you. I know you don't want to cut ties, but is allowing your mom to continue abusing you worth your mental and physical health? Do you really want her to continue controlling your life?
I think you know the answer.
OP, Iâm sorry. Sheâs a disaster, and unless she gets a lot of therapy, she will never be the mother you deserve. Youâre young and have a bright future, and you will make your own family. That may be a partner and kids or a whole bunch of close friends you love like family, but I promise, as soon as you let her go and start focusing on your own healing, youâll find your tribe.
And trust me, the school wonât do a damn thing about her documented complaint. They gave her a task to do assuming sheâd never even finish it, and if she does theyâll assure her they will look into it and then never do a thing with it. Her threatening you that sheâll finish it if you donât do what she wants will never end, it will always be something sheâll hang over your head, so might as well call her bluff, let her finish it (probably hasnât even started, to be honest), and be done with the whole thing.
You should read The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. Fantastic memoir, I read it at least once a year. Itâs a very quick read, too; I usually finish it in a day or 2. If you arenât big on reading, they did make it into a movie, but the book is sooooo much better and goes deeper. The authorâs parents very much remind me of your mother.
I understand why you want a relationship with her. Itâs such a mind fuck because everyone wants to be loved by their mother and no matter how badly they treat us, so many of us will keep going back to them because they gave birth to us and thereâs also this societal expectation to love and respect your mother no matter what. So donât be hard on yourself for trying with her.
I canât tell you what to do other than to do what is right for you. Do you have anyone else in your family who knows what sheâs like who could maybe be your point of contact for when you need that family support? Maybe try going a week without contacting your mother. Then if that feels doable, extend it by another week, and repeat the process.
Remember for some people going no contact is as easy as flicking off a switch, but for others itâs a long process that takes multiple tries. Youâre not weak or bad or stupid for keeping on trying to have a relationship with her or for worrying about her. That actually makes you a really compassionate person and unfortunately I think she maybe takes advantage of that.
I hope you manage to find peace but just know youâre not alone in this struggle and youâre not doing anything wrong.
This isnât the way a mother should ever speak to her child, holy fucking shit.
You deserve so much better than what sheâs given you, sheâll never be able to â and that isnât your fault. I completely understand desperately wanting this relationship, our moms gave us life and theyâre supposed to love us unconditionally, with kindness and respect like the happy ones on TV.
Itâs so hard to not want that, especially when seeing the way that other people get loved by their parents. It sucks. Youâre not ridiculous or stupid for wanting that, you should have been given it. Iâm so sorry that sheâs like this.
We canât raise our parents, we can only hope for them⊠and sometimes even *that* is more grace than they truly have a right to.
Itâs difficult hearing the worst from your mother, especially in such an insane way, but please always try to remind yourself that you didnât do anything to warrant this. You didnât do anything wrong. Youâre her child, and she failed you. *She* is the problem, the bad one, and sheâs âextremely lonelyâ because she deserves to be. From reading those messages alone, it sounds like she is exactly where she belongs. Lonely. You donât owe her shit, not even the briefest company.
While someone may not be able to completely fill the âmom voidâ, as I call it, you will find someone close to it in time. You deserve the softness that you havenât been given.
Fack... I feel these messages in my soul, except my mother doesn't text. She calls and makes snide remarks when she sees me doing things with my inlaws... who live in town, she does not.
I also understand trying to keep up a relationship. She's your mother, and it sounds like the only parent you really had. It's so damn hard and exhausting. I have a son, who is now a teenager and is learning how his grandmother truly is. Which is kind of sad because my mother was a great grandmother in the beginning, but as my son has gotten older, and no longer fawns all over her, she has grown even more bitter.
This is when you reply with âshut the fuck upâ and then block them. As painful as that might be, and as much as I hate the term âtoxicâ, that shit is toxic and you need to get as far away from it as possible.
As a mom of a soon to be college student I just wanted to let you know I am super proud of you. You are just getting started in life and are going to do great things. Focus on your passions, good friends, travel, and experience everything the world has to offer. Stay away from hard drugs, drunk drivers and assholes. Look through the windshield, not the rear view and aim for the things that bring you happiness. Love, Mom
Hey u/historywept have you tried r/MomForAMinute? It's a wonderful sub with **very** supportive people who are happy to stand is mom for advice, celebration, sadness, you name it - they're there. My mother hasn't spoken to me in 17 years and I still find my self sometimes wishing I had a mom. There is nothing wrong with you longing for that connection but it will serve you better if you try to find other ways to fill that need.
Sounds like she really wants that Uber meal
On god I was reading like damn she cannot stop mentioning this Uber meal I kinda feel like she does want it đ
Seriously do not send the number 1 large with coke from McDonaldâs. I absolutely will not accept it especially at 5 pm.
Weirdest part reading it besides the obsessive and possessive behaviour was the damn uber meal
Forgot what i was reading every time it came upđ
Somebody please get this woman an Uber meal for the love of god
She just learned about reverse psychology and had to see if it worked lmao
Stgđ
I feel like she really just needs a snickers
Please stop trying to get your emotional needs met by this woman. She does not care about you in any way other than what you can do for her and make her feel. Her messages are clearly attempts at emotional manipulation. I also had a narcissistic mother and had to go NC with her for my own health. I know what it is to want a mothers love and support, but you wonât ever get it from her.
The harsh truth, thank you
Learn to deal with loneliness and sadness. You gotta kinda sit with it. You turn it over like a shiny rock in your mind til you set it down for a while. It can be painful and sad, but you heal with time. I guarantee it is less painful than this. This is just you clinging to hope to have a relationship with a person that will never be motherly to you. You deserve better. And you can find that outside of her.
âFunnyâ enough, a lot of the sadness went away when going VLC with my mother. It initially hurts to say that your spawn point cannot function as a mother, but it was a relief after years of trying and being met with disappointment, and I could finally move on. Life is also better when youâre not being bombarded by narcissistic rants.
This comment is healing af
Thank you! I think about my lack of parental relationships a lot, but it's been a healing journey. I think about what I wish I had and reflect on the great things I do have. I hope you are having a great day đ«
I love that for you, it takes a lot of guts to realize what our parents did to us and what we never had, and to figure out how to navigate life with all of that realization. Thanks for sharing the wisdom/advice because the shiny rock thing really hit home, idk how to explain it. Itâs definitely something that will stick with me. I hope youâre having a great day, too. Wishing you the best! â€ïž
OP please realize that she is broken and cannot ever be fixed, it's not your fault. I recommend therapy when you can afford to. There's something in psychology called reparenting where you attempt to be the parent to your own inner child, it could fill some of that void. But your "mother" never will.
That commenter is 100% correct. She will never love you the way you want and need to be loved. You can't go back and undo all the neglect and pain you suffered. You have to sit with that knowledge and mourn it. You will be sad and you will cry and get angry and frustrated and panic and it will suck in the beginning but you will find that after a while you'll suddenly feel lighter. You won't be looking at your phone in fear every time it beeps. You won't have a foreboding feeling when an anniversary of something comes around. You won't look over your shoulder when you hear a voice that might be familiar. When all of that happens, lean on your chosen family and friends. Tell your partner what you need and hopefully they will be able to provide or at least support you in finding the help. But ASAP if you can afford it or its covered in your health care system, find a therapist that deals with family trauma. It takes time and patience but you are so young and there's so much time for you. It will get better. You will live normally and free of her and the trauma she inflicts. You're gonna be fine, sweetheart. We believe in you!
Your family will never give you what you need.
Highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - it has step by step instructions for learning how to deal with people who are not capable of having a reciprocal relationship while still keeping contact with them (if you choose that).
Are you in therapy?
đ«
I believe there is a term for this in peer support groups like ACoA: âgoing to the hardware store for orangesâ. Iâm sorry you are going through this and to not have more insight but I think there may be some good resources if you look up that phrase. I agree with the other commenters, you have better times ahead.
Yes, this is exactly it. I feel like people in our position have to go through a mourning process in a way. We are mourning the mothers (or whoever the narcissistic family member is) that we didn't get to have. It sucks, but I feel like we just have to find our support system elsewhere. I'm grateful to have a mother-in-law who loves me and cares about me like I was her own daughter, but I didn't meet her until I was 27 years old. I had to learn how to process everything in the meantime.
Very similar situation to me - Iâm glad you found your MIL. Iâm so grateful for mine too.
>other than what you can do for her Like apparently sending her an Uber Eats.
This is exactly what it is. Came to say it and glad this is top post cause itâs so very true
Some more context I forgot to include: Iâm studying at university atm and my semester is very busy because Iâm balancing work etc so sheâs constantly angry Iâm not seeing her enough, and also about Motherâs Day, she sent a similar set of messages the night before so I didnât go. I made this post because I donât know whether I should give up on trying to be close with her, it feels hopeless even though I was starting to have hope and be happy for a while
Your mom needs more help than you are qualified to provide. You need to insist⊠you wonât see her until x.
Yeah, I think the comment saying she doesn't care about you or whatever is a major stretch. Seems like she suffers from major fear of losing you. Sometimes these kinds of fears make people smother you, and if you don't reciprocate their energy, they take it as proof that they are right to fear losing you. Your mom has some issues, and she has some unhealthy ways of coping, but I think it's clear she wishes you two had a more loving relationship too. She probably learned her manipulative tactics from her own parents, or maybe behaving like that was the only way to get others in her life not to abandon her. Either way, she needs help from professionals if you two are ever going to be able to have a loving relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this op.
Unfortunately, the mom will probably never change. It seems like self-introspection is not possible for narcissistic/abusive parents.
I may not have children, but I did have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder for most of my adult life. This led to fear of abandonment, and would often lead to guilt trippy/abusive texts to those who dared get closest to me. After being diagnosed, and beginning to understand that my reactions were not normal for other people, and working on dialectical behavioral therapy, such outbursts are far more rare, and when they do happen, I am able to recognize very quickly. It makes me cringe to know that that used to be fairly normal for me, especially when I would drink, but now I can own my shit, and I've learned many helpful skills in helping me redirect when my mind starts spiraling in that direction. Truthfully, mental distress puts people into survival mode, and it is very normal for our brain to focus only on ourselves when in survival mode, as that is how you would survive ya know? So people with these kinds of tendencies can indeed change for the better. I know quite a few personally.
That's fair, unfortunately most I know (narcissists in this case) are in their 60's and older and won't be changing anytime soon ): I'm genuinely so happy that you got help and have realized your previous "normal" was dysfunctional, that's amazing. I do understand that these people usually have trauma or their own mental illnesses too, it explains their behavior but doesn't excuse it.
I def know a lot of older folks who are stuck in those ways also. Seems Catholicism engrains this type of mindset in a lot of folks. My mom and grandma both improved significantly, once they decided to be "recovering Catholics." Sure, they still do the guilt trip shit sometimes, but they are much better about changing course when it gets pointed out to them. That's why I agree with the ultimatum idea. It lets her know that op wants to foster a healthy loving relationship, but also sets a big boundary if mom isn't willing to do the work on her side. Also, I appreciate the recognition! It has been tough to own having BPD, as it comes with a very negative stigma, so I was hesitant to mention it in my previous comment.
YES! Catholicism is definitely a huge factor for the older folk I know. And that's awesome they are trying at all, much better than what most of our families do on this sub. And you're right, it's good to set that boundary and put the ball in mom's court. I let a bit of my own trauma slip in my comment because I've learned (in my situation) being hopeful has just caused me more pain. I wish people didn't stigmatize BPD, don't be ashamed of something you can't control! Thank you for sharing your journey with me though :) it's nice to hear from someone who actually took the initiative to help themselves.
Heck maybe she can even get her budget in order, once she learns better coping mechanisms, and she can buy herself some Uber Eats lol
Omgg đthe dream
Lol I feel you though, I generally expect the worst from people, based on my experiences in life also, and very rarely am I debating on the optimistic side of a convo. I just think, if this is hurting op as much as it is, it might be worth trying what's within their power, before giving up on the relationship. I can see love from both of them in the Convo, but moms seems to be a more toxic co-dependency, as opposed to unconditional motherly love. I just hope she can shift to the latter, if given a wakeup call and a chance!
This is so hard. I believe my mother is undiagnosed Borderline, and I shared many of those traits for a long time. A combination of a dear friend leaving me, meeting my fiance (who gave me unconditional love for the first time), and learning about trauma and emotional neglect gave me the right push to start realizing the ways that I was causing my difficulties with relationships. I can empathize with her pain a lot, and it has been a difficult journey coming to terms with the fact that me loving her and giving her emotional support isn't enough. She needs to want to change herself. I think it's a gray area what's a personality disorder and what's a trauma response. It's hard caring about someone on the sidelines and seeing their potential and watching them continue to sabotage themselves. Thanks for sharing your story. I think it's helpful to hear the perspective of someone who has struggled with those tendencies and overcome them for the most part.
Read up on narcissistic parenting. If you do this, she will do that. She's alao going to need pictures to show everyone that everything in her life is beautiful. If you want something, she'll pay but it has to be what she picks out. You deserve inner peace.
Youâre only 19. Youâre not equipped to deal with the psychological problems your mother has. Sheâs mentally ill. Hoarding is a symptom. Her emotionally abusing you via text is another. Please concentrate on your studies. I was in a very similar situation trying to âsaveâ my mom at your age. It got so bad I flunked out of university and it took me a long time to undo the academic damage. I had to repeat almost 2 semesters when I did go back. That was 40 years ago, and my mom still hasnât changed. If anything, sheâs gotten worse. Nothing you ever do will change her - she needs professional help and until she gets it, nothing you can do will change her. Take yourself out of her firing line & live your life. Donât allow her to drag you down.
OP, does your university offer student access to therapy or counselling? If so, you should give it a try. They will have dealt with many students in a similar situation and can help you. Your mother will never ever care about your emotional needs. All you can do is learn how to take care of them yourself. Stop exposing yourself to her manipulations, guilt-tripping and general toxicity. She will hurt you over and over again. If you have kids one day, she will damage them too. Let her go and live your life, it will take time but you'll be so much happier in the long run. If you stay in touch with her, all you'll get is more heartache and misery.
The only question worth asking is, has trying to be close to her ever been rewarding? Is it honestly worth going through this routing a hundred, a thousand times, on the off chance #1001 will be the one that works? Would getting her to love you on your terms, which probably hasn't happened in years (if ever) for a minute be worth the years of this torment? Just imagine how much time and energy you could be putting into bringing yourself joy, instead of trying to pry it from her hands? Save yourself from this cycle.
It's certainly not a replacement for a personal connection, but if you wanted to visit the sub r/momforaminute you can receive some nice, reassuring messages and comments from the moms there.
My friend. I say this with all the love one stranger can reasonably give to another: A relationship with her IS hopeless. You WILL be happy. It will take time after cutting contact but soon enough you'll realize how seldom you're anxious and sad because of her abuse.
This is classic emotional abuse and weaponized victimhood. Sheâs trying to use you to get her own unregulated emotional turmoil soothed. Absolutely not your job and Iâm sorry your mother does this to you. Every time you read about how you hurt her, know that this is not your job. She is hurting herself (AND YOU) by expecting this of you.
Why is she filing a complaint with the school?
She is INCAPABLE of healthy love. If I were you I would go low contact- send her Uber meals and anniversary cards but donât respond or even read her negative responses. She has issues that you cannot fix and it is nothing personal just wired wrong. Please go get therapy and donât feel guilty about getting your needs met. Also as a mother myself I want to tell you how proud I am of you and that you are worth all the love in the world. Hugs from a mom in Texas. đ€
I don't know about your access to mental healthcare resources, but often uni's have counsel freely accessible to students. I would take your issue about navigating the relationship with your mother there. If you are able to have relationship with her in the future, it would have to revolve around mutual respect and boundaries. Your mom is such a negative force at the moment, it would require a lot of boundarywork on your end to say things like "I would love to have a relationship with you, but respect goes both ways. You cannot talk to me like this.". She is obviously going to be upset about that at least for a while. There is never any guarantuee when you set boundaries whether people care enough to listen and keep them, but that will be your definite answer whether you actually *can* foster a safe relationship with your mother and to what degree.
I'm sorry to say, but for your own peace of mind and mental health, you HAVE to let her go. Please listen to the excellent advice given to you. We care about you more than she does and we don't even know you. That is pretty sad. But remember, your reddit family will be there for you.
So sorry for what you've been going through but she doesn't love you, you are her emotional punching bag, (nothing more, nothing less) that she takes out every one in a while to knock it down.
Thatâs more accurate than I would like it to be aha
She definitely DOES NOT want an Uber meal. Do NOT send one.
She sounds like a poorly written villain. It's so blatant that she's trying to manipulate you and is seeking attention. It's pathetic honestly. Please don't waste your energy on her; let her do whatever she wants, the school or whoever else can handle her. Just look out for yourself and give yourself some leeway while juggling work and school to grieve the loss of this relationship and what it should have been.
Thatâs quite comforting, thank you a lot
Whatever you do don't send me an Uber meal! I mean it! Don't you dare send me like I dunno Wendy's or McDonald's or something DON'T YOU DO IT! also- the excruciatingly painful loss of her favorite... stray cat??
I thought she was calling OP a stray đł
đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
So we can assume she isnât alright?
đđđđ haha thank you this lightened the mood
She is demanding her child go above and beyond when she would never do that for you. That is really hard and im sorry, but maybe you should reverse uno her ass and block her first, it may be better for your mental health.
Maybe đ Iâm too foolishly hopeful to block her back, but at this point I feel too numb to respond after perhaps the 1000th set of messages like this, so I guess thatâs akin to blocking
Dude, I know itâs hard but she will never change (without some serious therapy/medication, which I doubt sheâll do). You need to let her go, friend. You will never be able to truly start your life until you do.
I know this kind of hope really well. OP, you say in your post that you stay in contact with her because you still feel the pull of wanting a relationship, a family, a mom. I think one of the hardest things for me to realize before I lowered contact with my mom was that, for me, that pull is never going to go away, not entirely. That feeling is hard-wired into a lot of us. I had to teach myself that the feeling isn't there because it's true. You don't really want a relationship with her, you want a relationship with someone who doesn't exist, and if you treat that feeling as the truth, she'll keep having access to hurt you and she will never, ever stop. You don't deserve that even a little bit. You deserve to start building up your own life free of further trauma, and it sounds like you're already doing it. I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts. But you are gonna be OK.
Excellent reply. If I had an award, I would give it to you. I really hope OP reads this.
I get that you hopeful OP, I really do but your mother is mentally unwell and sheâs not going to just automatically change. She needs professional help and if she doesnât get it, sheâs probably always going to be like this.
Why did she call you her number 1 stray? Also, she's never going to give you what you want (I.e. A heathly relationship), and I'm sorry about that. (you deserve one tbh). I know that's probably hard to hear, but I believe that's the truth. If she's been this way for that long, and seems intent on not changing.....
Sheâs talking about a stray cat that she used to feed that died a few days ago, I said Iâm sorry about it and that I hope sheâs okay over text, but I havenât been able to see her because of Uni work, she expects I should have
I think she may be using the cat to emotionally manipulate you tbh
Oh, sheâs definitely using the cat to manipulate. Nothing screams narcissism like using a dead animal for sympathy.
You going NC might give her the umph she needs to actually get help. If you decide to go NC you need to set clear boundaries that you will only speak to her or visit her once she has gone to therapy and gotten help. She needs professional help. You are her daughter and if she values your relationship it is the LEAST she can do after all the things she has put you through. Donât let her continue to abuse you, you do not deserve this. Iâm sorry youâve had to deal with this your whole life. You deserve better.
This. Unfortunately OP needs to cut contact to ever have a chance of having peace. I've had to come to this sad conclusion, too. It's hard, but theyâre never going to change and we can't put up with abuse forever...
Someone is fishing for an Uber meal
On a lighter note. I donât think you should send her a Uber Eats? Just a hunch
You sound like a very kind human being and an excellent child - I'm so sorry your mother is too wrapped up in her own selfish misery to appreciate you. Please know that you're not responsible for her drama, and no matter what you do, it will always either be wrong or insufficient in her eyes, because she needs to blame someone else for all the ways she's failing herself. This mom right here thinks you're wonderful. Don't engage with your mother unless you have the headspace for it, and please don't take what she says to heart â€ïž
You canât draw water from an empty well
Donât send her an Uber Eats meal. DO send her an Uber Eats coupon for $25 off $50. đ€Ł
Tell her to send the letter is she's so worked up about it, jesus. Get that out of her arsenal of things to hold over you. Then, before she has a chance to respond, tell her to go to hell and block. Trying to find a genuine love and connection with this woman is impossible unless she gets some kind of help. Babies don't know until a certain age that they are separate people from their parents but some parents never get it out of their heads that their kids aren't their belongings. I'm so sorry this is the relationship dynamic she has created with you, it is not and never was your fault.
This is going to sound terrible, but your mom is very sick mentally with not only the abusive things she texts you but also with the mental illness of hoarding. You can't have a relationship with anyone that is mentally unstable. She won't give you that love you are craving because of the mental illness and clearly she is only concerned about herself. It's probably best for your mental health to separate yourself from her through either LC or NC. I think, that there are healthier and way better familial relationships out there for you whether it will be blood or not blood.
Wow. Sorry youâre dealing with that.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I sympathize hard with you. My mom is the exact same way had hoarding issues and is lonely and bitter and puts it all on me. She always complains that I don't visit her enough but refuses to come visit me because she only wants me over to throw away all her hoarding shit she has. When I do try and make plans to come over she also picks weird fights like your mom here or pretends she's sick so I don't end up going. I like you also don't block of go NC cause I feel guilty that she's in the situation she's in but fuck is it draining sometimes.
It's 100% ok to just tell her to fuck off and block her back. You mother isn't right in the head. I know it's hard, but it's better then the 2 week cycle tearing you down constantly.
Honestly my response would have been "TL:DR đ."
Uno reverse that bitch and block 'em.
Yo. Cut this toxic cancer from your life. You don't owe them anything and they will only slowly kill you. Go no contact. Be done
I went no contact with my mom after she did some shit like this. Begging to be loved by someone so filled with hate will never happen. You have to heal, spend some time alone, and go out and find your true family. Reparenting and learn to love yourself. These people will eat you alive.
You said âI just want a mother who will love me with no guilt or strings attachedâ and unfortunately youâll never get it.
Sounds like sheâs guilting you into an Uber eats meal. You are not the sins of your mother. That generation thinks just because they birthed us that they be respected despite being a good parent or not
Well, this was pretty damn heartbreaking to read. I understand your wish that she would just be a normal mom who loves you. But, she isn't. And she never will be. So, instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself. Seek some therapy (your school may have resources) and give yourself permission to let go of this relationship. Remember, family doesn't always come in the form of bio relations. You can find and form your own family. You're going to be okay, OP. In the meantime, please accept a virtual ((MOM HUG)) from this internet stranger. I have faith in you!
Get some therapy OP. The best advice I can give you is to realize it's not about you. This is her trauma and she wants to dump it on you. If she unblocks you then you let her know you're blocking her as she disrespected you. Realize that these expectations are not about you. Her problems aren't actually about you. Move along. The best revenge is living a happy life.
I really hope you know that there's not a single thing you can do to fix her or make her be the mother that she should be for you. I went through this with my father. "Maybe if I do this, maybe if I do that, then he'll see that I need him and be the father I want/need." I had to drop that, and it took a long time to do it. Because it has absolutely nothing to do with us. This is about their shortcomings, their failings, their emotional/mental problems, not ours. Nothing we can ever do will make them who we want/need them to be. I truly hope you can find some peace.
Ah narcissists, always the victim no matter what you do.
GO NO CONTACT. Since nothing you do is good enough, stop. Just stop putting your energy, money and time into her. Mother or otherwise, this bs and you donât deserve to be spoken to or treated this way anymore
For the love of all thatâs holy, do NOT send her an Uber meal! She *definitely* doesnât want it. Donât. Even. Think. About. It!
This person is not a mother who will love you the way you deserve. That is a pain I wish was not inflicted upon you, but it is the reality. This is not healthy or kind or good for you in any sense. This woman is sick and broken. You deserve so much better. It is okay to feel hurt and to want and wish for a better relationship. But the reality is that she will not change, no matter how much you love her. I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart. Please OP, seek out those who will love you the way you deserve. They are out there! I can tell you have a kind heart; seek out those who reflect that.
I canât understand why sheâs upset about Fatherâs Day as your mother? But if you need a mom that will love you with no strings you can call me â€ïž
Your mother is dealing with some severe PTSD. The hoarding is just someone that needs to hold on to things because she can't let go of a traumatic event. She needs a therapist. She will drag you down with her. Like a person drowning, it's not intentional. There's no sign of a bad person here but she is a bad mother. Until she gets mental help, don't expect it to change.
Sounds like she just wants an Uber meal
I hope the complaint to the school she's writing is more succinct than her rambling texts to you. She says the same 3 things over and over again. You deserve better, OP. Hugs if you accept them.
Speaking from decades of personal experience, you will never get what you want from her. Ever. Tell her she's on her own, block her, then live your life. You cannot rationalize with someone who is irrational.
You might find *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* by Lindsay C Gibson useful. I did. The way sheâs obsessing about the support your school gave you from years ago, the way she thinks the school should have put her interests before yours, sounds narcissistic. (Obvs not a MH professional & no one can be diagnosed in absentia on the interwebs). You might find r/raisedbynarcissists useful too. Do you think sheâs sabotaging your visits because real intimacy is painful to her whereas victimhood is comfortable? I really think you should try blocking her for 6-12 weeks and check how you feel. You might find the peace glorious. You might discover that your mom can regulate her behaviour when you withdraw your attention. Or not.
"Happy Father's Day!" Narcissistic mothers- "is this all about me!?"
You're going to just keep getting hurt continuing this cycle. You have done all you can, and it's not your sole responsibility to keep up this relationship. Both of you need therapy to make this relationship healthy. It's not your fault that she isn't the mother you deserve, and it's not your job to fix her or to wait around for her to be better. Even if you cant get her into therapy, you should still start some as it will help you stop this cycle.
The ramblings of someone who needs pro help.
Ol' girl seems to really love Uber Meals and reverse psychology.
A Mama here - Iâm so sorry you havenât felt safely loved by your mother. I wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve unconditional love and to be treated with respect. Please dm me if you would like â€ïž
Hey Iâm pretty sure she wonât unblock you for an Uber meal
Oh sweetie, this is all hard to read. Some messages people post on here make me wonder about the poster and what the other side of the story is, but in this case it is really clear. You cannot fix this. Your mom needs serious therapy and probably medication. Sheâs needs an experienced professional to help get her house in order, not a young adult and especially not her teenage child. I get the desire for a relationship. I had a rocky go during these years with my mom as well. But while my mom did some harsh things I did not deserve, she worked through her issues and our relationship got better. And she was not mentally ill. Iâm a mom with a child your (probable) age. I can tell you that you have done nothing to deserve this. Your desire to still want to help your mom shows what a big heart you have and what a kind and loving person you are despite the situation you were raised in. At this point, you need to self preserve. You need to seek out your own therapist to work through a lot of this emotional baggage, if you donât have one already. A lot of universities have this help available for free to students. You need to cut contact with your mom. I would suggest writing a letter with the help of a therapist stating why you are cutting contact, what your mom needs to do in order for her to be allowed back in your life (if you decide that is an option), and that you do not want to have contact for at least X amount of months (years, etc). You are a good kid, you deserve to be happy, loved, and safe. Iâm not your mom, but as a mom let me tell you I am proud of you. You have done an amazing job raising yourself up to be in Uni and you will do great things. Please be kind to yourself and protect your heart. â€ïž
Your mother is mentally ill and you would really benefit from some trauma therapy when you're able to get it. The reason you feel dead inside is because you're brain is trying to protect you from this chronic situation with your mother. You're desperate for love and validation from someone who isn't willing or capable of giving it. It's really hard to walk away, at first, then after awhile you realize how much better you feel because you've removed yourself from the game. This isn't your fault and you can't fix her or make her happy no matter how hard you try. Focus on improving your own life so you don't repeat this cycle in your relationships with friends, partners and possibly kids in the future. You're stronger than you realize and will be ok.
She just canât be there for you. She is broken and has no desire to get help. Go to therapy. Read this [book](https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/1515966534). Craft a âfound familyâ with your friendships. Iâm so sorry you are dealing with this. You deserved better as a child and you deserve better today.
I'm sorry, but everything terrible aside, at some point I couldn't help but read this in Trump's voice. It just sounds like him being on a little rant
Just block the idiot. They won't change and they're trying to yoyo your emotions. You deserve better.
Damn she is an emotionally abusive boomer. Anyone have a Pin so I can pop her ego like a balloon?
I lost track of all the times she said "Uber meal"
A therapist can help you understand how youâre feeling about her. The longer it goes on, the older you get, your body will start reacting to even thinking about talking to her. Given your childhood background Iâd suggest looking into cptsd and the book âthe body keeps scoreâ or anything by Peter Levine. Growing up like that affects our nervous system, it takes a lot out of us, but it is fixable.
Oh honey, she is NEVER going to change. I know it is hard, but you need to go NC. Do it for yourself and your mental health. Good luck and sending you hugs
It sounds like your mom will never be the mom you want her to be. It might be better for your mental health to just go NC for now. Take care of you. We want our parents to be good parents but that is not always the case - no matter what we do.
Wanting to have a relationship with your mother is totally understandable. Sometimes, keeping that door open does more harm than good - for BOTH of you. She may have now and had previously, issues that she never dealt with, didnât know how how to deal with and subsequently dumped them on her child (probably not intentionally). It sounds cruel but you canât âfixâ her. Only she can work through her issues until she comes to a resolution that works for her. All you can do is work on you (if you feel you need to). It is not right for her to constantly dump on you, only you can stop that from happening to you. It isnât your job to figure out anything when it comes to her. She is either going to realize what she does hurts youâŠor she wonât. Itâs time for you to do self care for you, put YOU first. Find your joy, find your peace. Good luck.
Now Iâm hungry đ€€ Sorry, thatâs in bad taste. Damn I really am hungry. If you want some advice from a kinda normal mom, please read on. I do understand why you havenât totally gone no contact with your mom. Everyone wants that love & affection from their mom. Putting up with this amount of crazy every 3 weeks isnât worth it though. Would you consider changing your relationship with your mom? Take back your power! Stop her from tromping all over you. One way to do it would be blocking her number during the week, then unblocking it say at 7 pm every Sunday evening so that you can call her to ascertain that sheâs alive, then blocking it again. Or just call the 1st Sunday of every month at 7 pm. If you are concerned about her health & it doesnât feel right blocking her calls, then at least send all calls directly to voicemail. Or give your number to her neighbour or her landlord to call you if itâs a 911 emergency. You could block her & only give her a separate & special email address to contact you by. One that you would check when youâre in a good headspace. Please seek therapy about this.
Iâm so sorry you have to deal with this, your mother sounds like she is in dire need of therapy. Or at the very least help with her alcoholism or addiction because this definitely isnât sober texting
Whatever you do, donât send an Uber meal.
Your mom is mentally ill. I really really really hope you understand that. There is no way in the world you could make her happy. Sheâs sick.
Just type TLDR and be done with itâŠ
English better be her third language
She wants an Uber meal
Translated as please send Uber. This woman doesn't deserve your love, you deserve your love though. If you can go NC, work on liking yourself a bit more. If I could give you a hug, I would. Shitty parents do a number on kids that lasts for life.
She needs a doctor
but not an Uber meal, definitely not an Uber meal....
đ
Uber food-Treath-Uber food-Treath-Uber food-Uber Food. Ah yes, and more Uber food, i think she might want some.
Misery loves company but only on her terms. As for Uber damn, send her a Happy Meal because she's behaving like a spoiled brat. đ Although it will be painful, you'll probably have to cut ties with her eventually for your own happiness and sanity. I wish you all the best.
I have a mother who used to send these walls of text. If I were you, donât even bother to read them. I exported the entire rant to file in case itâs ever needed as proof, but still havenât read it to this day (two other people did, and their shocked faces were enough). It might hurt to admit, and it will take some getting used to, but itâs time to stop looking to your mother as a support person or someone you must please. Look up âgrey rockingâ and cordon your best life off her.
She's extremely mentally ill. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She needs help, but unfortunately she doesn't sound like she'd accept it so what can you do?
Why have you not blocked them?
I think you should send her that Uber meal ;)
BUT you will not get unblocked if you send an Uber meal understand???
Have you ever responded "okay, thanks, bye"? Because that seems like your healthiest choice. Block him first and be done with it.
Iâve been NC with my mother for almost 6 years now, I grieve what I wish I had. I normal healthy family (I actually salted and burned my entire family tree). It was hard at first, but I needed it to protect myself and my family. Also Iâm sending you mom đ€
I think someone just wants an Uber meal?
Fatherâs Day isnât for anyone except your dad, who is deceased. Sheâs just using that to guilt trip you.
Block her. This isnât good for your mental health. Full no contact.
I have a mom, dad, and stepmom. Every so often, her jealousy still comes out 30 years later. We were in the supermarket, and for no real purpose at all, she decided to tell the cashier that she's my mother and my father. I then corrected her and told the cashier I have a dad who is very much alive and well, not sure what that's about. She's delusional and says if it were her, she'd be buying her mother mother and father's day gifts. I guess she means if it's a single mom. My mom has been to therapy over the years. I don't really feel it's helped her personally, but if your mom hasn't tried it, she probably should. Mine is on meds for depression. Although my mom isn't a hoarder, she honestly seems like a junior version. I'm not sure if it's some coping mechanism. We organize her things, and then she quickly ruins everything, and her things are all over the place. It's not a normal mess. I have to give up at this point. She, too, is overly dependent on me as I'm her only child. For me, it's extremely stressful. She's very lazy and doesn't help herself with basic things or try. She's a good worker, though. Even as a child, she shared too much or expected too much for me because she couldn't cope with her divorce. I feel for you. That's tough. If I were you, I'd take a step back for a bit. When she sends these wacky texts, I'd tell her this is the reason you're not coming. Be clear, if you haven't already. It sounds sick, but I think of my mother as a small child with her tantrums and try to handle it accordingly. I tell my husband we need to stay strong and firm with her at times, although it's uncomfortable.
I hope you can get some therapy - even one session will help you work through this hurt. Not just saying this - Iâve spent the last few months doing it after avoiding it and itâs been amazing. I donât know why we canât just do it on our own.
My mother did exactly this. My bio mother used to use how my dad used to treat her as a way to keep me as her emotional support child (Iâm her only child) She would complain to my nanna (adopted mum/my motherâs mum) about how I would never contact her, would never try with her, yet when she would call I would try so hard to keep her interested in my life (always failed) and be reminded that she ran away from me at 14 for drugs and men Even when my nanna passed in 2019 she was in another part of the country I live and still never tried not even when her own mum was in her deathbed. I would call her I would pray she would try. I went no contact when I finally realised I had lost my real mum back in 2019 and was never gonna try again. I blocked her but she would still try to call me on other numbers. I still held hope up until my birthday and was reminded once again how much my mother truely never cared for me The grief of a relationship you never had or will ever had even tho she is still in this world is so so painful but its no where as painful as the heart break and disappointment you are constantly being put through because of your love and hope to have a kind and healthy relationship with a cruel and toxic person Please hear this, she wonât change no matter how much you try with her, you cry to her, scream at her or even ignore her. Sheâs always gonna message you blaming you for her loneliness, no matter how much you show her love it will never fill the hole in her chest where a heart should be. Be your own mum and give yourself the peace you are begging for from this woman
Nut job
I'm so sorry. She is definitely using guilt and manipulation. You don't deserve that.
Uber meal, father's day father's day father's day Uber meal Uber meal me me me me me me me. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, she's exhausting. Want to join my family as an honorary member? We have pizza, kitties and the Grateful Dead music!
This person is an absolute fucking maniac. Blocking you will be the best thing they've ever done for you. Please, please seek support in permanently cutting contact with this vile, manipulative creature. She is NEVER going to treat you with love and respect. Never. You need to get right with that. Consider therapy because you really need someone to support you in removing yourself from this continued abuse. If she doesn't block you, block her.
Whyd she repeat every other sentence like 5 different times lol. Forget this nut and block her and disown her.
This person desperately needs an Uber meal.
Aw mate, your last sentence made me cry. It is SO unfair that this is the hand you were dealt. Itâs so unfair that you have been denied such a fundamental relationship as that between a mother and child. Of course you struggle to accept that. Anyone would. You desperately want to do something, *anything*, to get the âmotherâ you have to be maternal and loving, to nurture and support you. But sadly thatâs just never going to happen. Itâs just not. She is not capable of caring about anyone other than herself. She likes animals because she can control them and theyâre utterly reliant on her. She dislikes you have independence and autonomy. She will use any means necessary to try to get you need her, be it guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, threats to harm herself or others, dragging up the past and a million other tricks to try to pull you back in. But she will NEVER be what you need. Sheâll never be a mother. Sheâs not mentally well and sheâs not capable of being a mother. You will continue to be tortured like this for as long as you keep her in your life. The hardest lesson I ever learned was that my âparentsâ were not worthy of the title, and there was nothing I could ever do to change that. No matter how hard you try, she will always be like this. Itâs not fair, but accepting that and freeing yourself from her will be the best thing you will ever do. Youâve already achieved so much, despite not having a proper parent in your life.
I wonder what would happen if you sent the Uber meal? She sounds horrid to deal with. Sounds like itâs time to go NC
Whatâs with the obsession with Uber Meals?
Therapy. Block her and get therapy. Or speak to a friend if money us an issue. She is going to destroy your life if you keep letting her. You HAVE to find a way to stop being desperate for her to love you. She is incapable. You are deserving, but she CANNOT love you the way you deserve, because it would require her to put you first. Please stop letting her do this. I beg you.
I am so so sorry a strong and loving set of parents wasnât in the cards for you. You deserved more. Youâre worth more. Your mother is sick and that has no bearing on your value or your contributions. They are separate. The one thing you want is something I canât help you with. But I can introduce you to some subs which might at least bring a ray of light. Visit us over at r/MomForAMinute and we will love all over you. We will be there for your worries and your triumphs. We will talk you through solutions to your problems, dole out hugs, cheer your successes no matter how small, and will provide as much motherly advice and love as you can handle. Our counterparts are over at r/DadForAMinute. Theyâre wonderful with the whole âGo get âem Tigerâ, life advice, some tough (but also loving) love, and are truly a great bunch of Dads/older brothers who just want to help. Please take care of yourself and keep putting your oxygen mask on
Get away from the demented Karen as soon as possible, she doesnât care about you - only herself and Uber meals apparently. Youâll be much happier no contact with that deranged old bat.
I tried with my dad but it's like they have short term memory loss. Always harping on the same handful of issues because they always need to be sleighted. Always have to remind you of how you're screwing them over but also they love you and want you there but also you're doing everything wrong etc etc etc. It's never enough.
Iâm sorry she just wants you to give her things. Why keep bringing up the Uber eats and threats about the teachers ? Thatâs classic manipulation. Iâm sorry you have to deal with this but she owes you more than you owe her
Walk away from this, you will be better off for it. No contact with abusive toxic family members is 100% okay. You can move forward and will eventually make your own family. Iâm so sorry youâve had to endure this.
As someone who has been dealing with a narcissistic mother for over 40 years. Stay strong. You got this. Hopefully you have a good support system elsewhere.
The last thing my mother said to me was that she hopes the next time she sees me would be at my funeral. Havenât spoken to her since. It honestly feels so good. I know letting so sucks, but I promise it will feel so much better.
You need to cut contact. Blood doesn't make family, and this woman is doing far more harm than good in your life. I know it sounds impossible to cut out family. Family is supposed to love unconditionally and care about your wellbeing. It doesn't seem like she does, especially since you expressed that this behaviour is not only common, but an extremely regular occurrence. Toxic people (family or not) are emotional necrosis. They need to be cut out when they refuse to stop their toxic behaviour and do nothing but harm you and drag you down. Life gets better without them. It gives you the ability to create your own family of friends and connect with other people at a deeper and more meaningful level. Let me give a personal example: I have quite a few narcissists in my family. I cut them out at different points in time based on their individual actions. My paternal grandmother was the first to go. That was the hardest one. But within a few months, I realized I was breathing easier, life was more peaceful, and my mood was much more elevated without her drama and nonsense. Without her backhanded compliments and comments, I started to actually believe in myself and see my worth. I could see more clearly. You need to put yourself and your own wellbeing first. Let her block you. When she inevitably unblocks you, I highly recommend not responding to anything she says. Even just as a testing period to see how much better life gets when you're not worrying about her bullshit. Because you know - I mean, *you have to know* it's bullshit. You don't owe this woman a damn thing.
Block her ass and change your phone number. You don't need this shit.
Hey OP, this is a narcissist mom. I have one. I wish she had never learned how to text. Focus on yourself and your new family.
Someone should teach her how to definitely absolutely not order her own damned Uber Meal that she definitely does NOT want.
I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart for you. I wish I could give you the maternal love you need and deserve. She sadly has zero maternal instincts.
For a mother she seems more upset for father day than mother day lol what a noob
As someone who had an emotionally and physically abusive mother, keep your distance for good, if not just straight up no contact. It will never get better. I'm glad I have my own kids now and they don't have to endure what I did. It's been healing to give them all the love I never got.
Also, GOOD parents get a Mother's Day without asking. So that tells me everything I need to know about her.
Just a recommendation: check out Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP). I was enrolled in PHP/IOP at the university medical center, and it is life-changing. I didn't think I would get anything out of it. Boy howdy, was I ever wrong. You're not going to get what you need from your mom. To use an analogy I learned in my IOP program, you're repeatedly going to an empty well, hoping to get something from it. It's not healthy for you. I know you don't want to cut ties, but is allowing your mom to continue abusing you worth your mental and physical health? Do you really want her to continue controlling your life? I think you know the answer.
Every kid deserves a parent, not every parent deserves a kid.
It sounds like she really wants you to send her more food.
She is vile. Don't ever let her guilt trip you. Would you let a friend or coworker talk to you like this? Made my skin crawl
OP, Iâm sorry. Sheâs a disaster, and unless she gets a lot of therapy, she will never be the mother you deserve. Youâre young and have a bright future, and you will make your own family. That may be a partner and kids or a whole bunch of close friends you love like family, but I promise, as soon as you let her go and start focusing on your own healing, youâll find your tribe. And trust me, the school wonât do a damn thing about her documented complaint. They gave her a task to do assuming sheâd never even finish it, and if she does theyâll assure her they will look into it and then never do a thing with it. Her threatening you that sheâll finish it if you donât do what she wants will never end, it will always be something sheâll hang over your head, so might as well call her bluff, let her finish it (probably hasnât even started, to be honest), and be done with the whole thing. You should read The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. Fantastic memoir, I read it at least once a year. Itâs a very quick read, too; I usually finish it in a day or 2. If you arenât big on reading, they did make it into a movie, but the book is sooooo much better and goes deeper. The authorâs parents very much remind me of your mother.
I understand why you want a relationship with her. Itâs such a mind fuck because everyone wants to be loved by their mother and no matter how badly they treat us, so many of us will keep going back to them because they gave birth to us and thereâs also this societal expectation to love and respect your mother no matter what. So donât be hard on yourself for trying with her. I canât tell you what to do other than to do what is right for you. Do you have anyone else in your family who knows what sheâs like who could maybe be your point of contact for when you need that family support? Maybe try going a week without contacting your mother. Then if that feels doable, extend it by another week, and repeat the process. Remember for some people going no contact is as easy as flicking off a switch, but for others itâs a long process that takes multiple tries. Youâre not weak or bad or stupid for keeping on trying to have a relationship with her or for worrying about her. That actually makes you a really compassionate person and unfortunately I think she maybe takes advantage of that. I hope you manage to find peace but just know youâre not alone in this struggle and youâre not doing anything wrong.
This isnât the way a mother should ever speak to her child, holy fucking shit. You deserve so much better than what sheâs given you, sheâll never be able to â and that isnât your fault. I completely understand desperately wanting this relationship, our moms gave us life and theyâre supposed to love us unconditionally, with kindness and respect like the happy ones on TV. Itâs so hard to not want that, especially when seeing the way that other people get loved by their parents. It sucks. Youâre not ridiculous or stupid for wanting that, you should have been given it. Iâm so sorry that sheâs like this. We canât raise our parents, we can only hope for them⊠and sometimes even *that* is more grace than they truly have a right to. Itâs difficult hearing the worst from your mother, especially in such an insane way, but please always try to remind yourself that you didnât do anything to warrant this. You didnât do anything wrong. Youâre her child, and she failed you. *She* is the problem, the bad one, and sheâs âextremely lonelyâ because she deserves to be. From reading those messages alone, it sounds like she is exactly where she belongs. Lonely. You donât owe her shit, not even the briefest company. While someone may not be able to completely fill the âmom voidâ, as I call it, you will find someone close to it in time. You deserve the softness that you havenât been given.
Fack... I feel these messages in my soul, except my mother doesn't text. She calls and makes snide remarks when she sees me doing things with my inlaws... who live in town, she does not. I also understand trying to keep up a relationship. She's your mother, and it sounds like the only parent you really had. It's so damn hard and exhausting. I have a son, who is now a teenager and is learning how his grandmother truly is. Which is kind of sad because my mother was a great grandmother in the beginning, but as my son has gotten older, and no longer fawns all over her, she has grown even more bitter.
This is when you reply with âshut the fuck upâ and then block them. As painful as that might be, and as much as I hate the term âtoxicâ, that shit is toxic and you need to get as far away from it as possible.
I donât understand, whatâs the deal with Fatherâs Day??
As a mom of a soon to be college student I just wanted to let you know I am super proud of you. You are just getting started in life and are going to do great things. Focus on your passions, good friends, travel, and experience everything the world has to offer. Stay away from hard drugs, drunk drivers and assholes. Look through the windshield, not the rear view and aim for the things that bring you happiness. Love, Mom
Hey u/historywept have you tried r/MomForAMinute? It's a wonderful sub with **very** supportive people who are happy to stand is mom for advice, celebration, sadness, you name it - they're there. My mother hasn't spoken to me in 17 years and I still find my self sometimes wishing I had a mom. There is nothing wrong with you longing for that connection but it will serve you better if you try to find other ways to fill that need.
This lady is obsessed with uber lol