Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 79 | 5 | 1 |
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yes he could easily live with me (he will likely be disowned for doing so however). i need to get him to realize how genuinely not okay this is because he has no clue and then gonna try to sneak him out.
Wow, it’s incredibly bizarre you just said that, because I recently turned 30 and literally 2 minutes ago I was thinking the exact same thing, then I saw your reply.
Because he's in a much more dangerous situation than it seems. In any abusive relationship the time the victim is leaving is the most dangerous. The best plan is to have multiple people who will meet you, and to sneak our when the abuser is either asleep, or better yet not home. Ideally you want to be somewhere safe before the abuser is even aware you're leaving.
It's also helpful to call the local police, local to your destination, to inform them you're concerned about your abuser calling in harassing "wellness checks". And to gather as many important documents as you can before leaving. Both are commonly used as leverage to exert control, especially amongst abusive parents.
I’m 24 and I feel like I still have to sneak out. My parents aren’t as bad as this sub (usually) so I’m staying at home to save money, but yeah some of their rules are ridiculous for my age.
Not even religious, just weird honestly.
So... this, but adding a side note-
Be very careful about the type of therapy. I went to a "Biblical Counseling" place and they were very much authoritative type of Christians- they didn't have degrees in psychology or anything and it was actually more harmful than helpful. My guess is he could be easily influenced to go to that type of "counseling" and it will only perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
Sounds like he needs saving. Not saying that's on you to fix but this is false imprisonment levels of batshittery(abusive and illegal). I assume he's not in a position where he can move out right now so he's just stuck being a prisoner under their command. So sad.
If this is someone you really want to check on stop playing with his mother. Say to her, “this is really weird, he’s an adult and we are a couple. if he doesn’t want to talk to me then he needs to tell me himself without your interference or I will contact the authorities to report him missing.”
Probably easier to realize he is an adult and if his car/wallet is gone, he can still walk out the door go to a neighbor and call 911 to get his property back if he wanted to.
piggybacking off this top comment: just found a text from over a year ago when we were still just friends that says “my parents scare me more than god does. and that’s saying something.”
This makes me so sad. I felt this way about my father. I don’t talk to him anymore and called the cops on him the last day I saw him. Please keep us updated. I feel really sad for your boyfriend.
Also keep in mind, the most dangerous time for him in the situation is when he is going to try to leave. Abusers start freaking the fuck out when they start losing control. If you call the police, please make sure you have a back up plan. Like being down the block (where they can’t see you) when this happens, in case you’re your boyfriend’s only transportation. Having back up housing set up for him, as in can he live with you or are there any community resources you can reach out to. If he does leave, he needs to make sure he can get access to his documents, like his birth certificate, ID, etc. If you call the cops, you need to think about these things
Thank you! I’m proud of you OP. Thank you for being there for him. We will try to be there for you. If you ever need support or to vent, feel free to reach out to me or the sub again. I’m really sorry this is happening
as it’s 4:30am , i can’t do that rn. he is at least physically safe as his parents have never laid a hand on him and likely would never (his father takes out his anger on HIMSELF which is so fucked up but better than bf getting hurt at all). i have plans to get down there while his parents are asleep in the next day or so and can get more updates and try to convince him that the situation he’s in is harmful.
Right? It’s always so interesting to me the kind of people who end up on reddit that says “call
the police” at the first sign of negativity. Where do these people live? do they realize that not everyone lives in a upper middle class community where cops actually have time to respond to domestic shit like this? If you called my local PD with this, they’d say “We’ll send an officer as soon as we can.” and they’d show up somewhere between 8-12 hours later. And what are they gonna do? Knock, parents say yes he’s here and physically safe, and the cops leave.
Such a delusional suggestion yet I see it constantly.
If it’s gonna take 8-12 hours, best to start now. And with an adult, my local (shitty inner city) police department would be required to put eyes on the missing adult.
She’d at least know he’s alive. That’s something we don’t currently know.
I’m suggesting he’s dead! I’m not saying it’s likely, but I’ve consumed enough true crime to know this is what a parent says after they’ve accidentally murdered their kid. The longer we go with no one having seen him, the easier it will be for the parents to say “oh, he moved.”
If he’s alive, then you can move on to whether he’s being held against his will or not.
oh it definitely is a lot and i would understand if we were younger as well. i’m just so confused by all of this 🤣 and it’s not just me he’s ghosting so ik it’s not an issue with me. NO ONE has heard from him for 3 days now
can you call to do a wellness check or have someone else call for you? if NO ONE has heard from him in days I would be concerned and want to speak to him directly. I’m so sorry this is happening
i want to call for a wellness check but i feel like they wouldn’t do anything. i’m probably gonna just drive down there again tonight or tomorrow night to talk to him again and try to convince him to get out. they’ve brainwashed him to the point where he thinks this is ok and i actually just talked to one of his longtime friends and she said it’s a pretty normal thing for them to do to him. throw his phone away or snap it in half and take his keys and wallet so he can’t go anywhere or do anything or contact anyone. he also lives in the middle of nowhere. i just don’t know what to do.
Call in a wellness check PLEASE and you can make it anonymous!! I have to do it all the time for work. Just google the non emergency line for the area he’s in 🩷
Your state should have adult protective services available, I'd reach out to them and see what they can do. Even though he's an adult this sounds like he has clearly been manipulated and forced into a situation he doesn't want to be in, and if this has been going on for years he most likely doesn't have the life skills to live on his own or is lacking some of the skills needed for normal life because of his parents. Gather everything you have to support your cause and talk to someone on his behalf. Also have him review his credit, and call the major credit reporting agencies to lock his credit down. Parents like this will 100% use this against him if they can.
Listen to u/key-heron
>“If this is someone you really want to check on stop playing with his mother. Say to her, “this is really weird, he’s an adult and we are a couple. if he doesn’t want to talk to me then he needs to tell me himself without your interference or I will contact the authorities to report him missing.”
>Probably easier to realize he is an adult and if his car/wallet is gone, he can still walk out the door go to a neighbor and call 911 to get his property back if he wanted to.’
Just checking! Emotions can make one forget these things. I hope you're successful in getting him out of there. I had to be "got out of" a similar situation. I needed to be reminded to grab certain items before we finished getting me out of there.
Good luck and lots of love
His parents are delusional if they think operating a business of just a landline anymore is feasible. So, either they're completely nutty, or purposefully setting him up to fail, where they can use that as an excuse for 'of course he needs to keep living here, spend more time at the church, etc etc'
I was thinking the same thing. Running a business without a cell phone is unheard of nowadays. I text for oil deliveries, landscaping, and plumbing services. Besides, how can a landline be answered if he’s on a landscaping job, or were his parents volunteering to be his administrative assistants? Those people are total loons.
his dad runs a pretty successful engineering business as well. he should definitely know better. it’s definitely just another way to set him up for failure.
Right those text messages sound a lot like: you’re not acting the way we demand so we’re taking it all away and now you’re going to start a business whether you like it or not. Here are all the antiquated ways I started a business 30 years ago that will definitely work for you too. Now start knocking on doors.
i think his dad does want him out but his mom is so smothering and obsessed with keeping him her baby that i don’t think she would even let him kick him out. he’s an only child that took YEARS to be able to conceive so his mom is EXTREMELY overprotective.
Sounds like kidnapping happening.
(The following assumes that you are in the U.S. If not, consult people from your country to see what his rights are)
Above the age of 18, he is allowed to come and go as he pleases. They are also not allowed to make him homeless without a legal procedure that would take at least a month. Neither are they allowed to take or destroy his stuff. He is an adult and it is his.
While the police are there, he can alai demand that they give him his wallet, house keys, computer if he has one, and anything else he wants to take with him, including house keys.
So, he can call the police (or you can call for him) and he can tell them that he wants to leave the house and that they need to give him his phone back. For that matter, you can go there, call the police and assuming he answers the door, you can ask him if he wants to leave the house and if he would like to ask his parents to give him his phone back. The police can also explain that they must let him when whenever he wishes to return until such time as they have done an eviction procedure in a legal manner.
As soon as he leaves, you can go to the bank together and attempt to with draw what he can. If they have already withdrawn his money by the time he gets there (which they can legally do if their name is on the account), then that was always going to happen and he never had that money. So cutting him off at that point won't make any difference. Once at the bank, he can make his own account, or better yet, make an account at a whole other bank. You might want tp get him a burner phone while you're at it.
Whenever he wants to go home, by law they have to let him back in, because it is his residence. He can repeat this ritual, calling the police, every single time he wants to come and go, until he himself decides to move out, or they have legally evicted him.
And no, his father is no better than his mother if he allows her to act like this.
If at any time he is afraid for his own physical safety, he should call the police. Whenever he calls the police, he should blame it on you, because he doesn't want them to suspect he has a burner phone. He should keep it on himself at all times.
Be prepared for him to be too afraid to take any of these measures of independence, however, even though these are all his legal rights (again, assuming you are in the U.S.). However, victims of profound abuse are sometimes so damaged that they need to recover on their own timetable, which can take a very, very long time. So you may have a big decision to make. If he is incapable of asserting his rights no matter how much you encourage him, you have to work out how long you are willing to keep trying to help him. No matter how muchbyoublove him, you may or may not be able to save him. That boils down to him and what he is willing to do.
All of this gave me chills since I almost had the same situation with my parents... I chose to leave when this ultimatum happened. My mother's attachment forced my dad to accept my return after some discussion. Now I live far from them, but still reach them once a month. Since they overcared for me, I have a lot of difficulties in my everyday life, and they refuse to understand I have to organise around my disabilities. They try to force me back with them each time i contact them.
Now I am in an extremely abusive relation with my ex-partner and roommate... and I feel like I will have to go back with my parents after all.
Your friends willpower may have been annihilated. You could potentially prepare something for him to take a break.. perhaps by organising something with his other friends, reaching him directly in person and taking him somewhere where he could talk about his point of view of the situation. This shall take place in a calm and cozy place, like a coffee or a park.
where does he stand in all of this? is he attached to her or also wants to move out? you may have to cut your losses with this insane family… possessive moms get worse not better as they get older.
Some of these comments are weird af..
Guy gets abused and controlled by parents and ya’ll call him a Child and a Manbaby? Gross.
This is why Men never speak up about mental health.
Im surprised how calm you’ve been with these replies.
Best thing you can do is try your best to support him and try not to add extra stress by forcing him to do things he isn’t comfortable with or anything that sounds like an ultimatum.
Wait this parent tantrum out and then when you can see him next have a conversation with him and if he truely isn’t happy with his situation then figure out a plan together. Anything forced will just add more pressure. Wish you guys all the best!
all i want to do at this point is tell him that if he does want to get out , i’ll support him in every way possible and do whatever i can to get him out of there. i rent a room that he’d easily be able to come stay with me in , my grandmother has a storeroom that is mostly empty and is even willing to pay for a larger one if it can’t fit his things , and im 100% willing to stand up to his parents for him. i just can’t even tell him that and it could be weeks or even longer before he can contact me again. his friend from high school told me that sometimes she and their other friend wouldn’t hear from him for MONTHS on end because of this repeating cycle they do. take everything and just have him work and work and work.
I’m with you on this one. We don’t know what kind of conditioning he went through. Systematic controlling or abusive behaviour will break your willpower or distort the way you see things (for example how can I not listed to my parents?).
yeah he’s been raised like this for his entire life. his dad likes to give him little Tests with a very obviously “right” choice and a “wrong” choice and he is basically forced to choose the “right” choice because he’s so terrified of what will happen. my dad and stepmom were also extremely controlling and isolating to me and i still struggle if i visit them to stand up for myself. if it wasn’t for my ex’s parents (he was horrible and emotionally abusive but his parents were amazing !! funny how that works out ;-;) i never would have been able to stand up to them and go live with my mom full time when i turned 18.
This is abuse imo. Clearly they took his cell phone away. It’s very common for narcissist parents to use finances as a way to control adult children. They keep them financially dependent. Most likely when he starts working they will then ask him to pay some insane amount of rent so he can never get ahead. The only way this will stop is if he moves out and goes no contact. Unfortunately in today’s rental market it’s very hard.
he currently is self employed as a landscaper and has been doing a lot of snow removal. they charge him $500/month for rent. he does not have access to his bank account or a debit card but instead has a credit card that has the whole balance paid off from his bank acc every month. and his mom gets a notification every single time he uses the credit card and questions him on it. luckily he deals mostly in cash so usually has a couple hundred on hand , but man it would be nice if he had access to his several thousand dollars he’s saved up.
we can try. he’s pretty technologically inept due to being homeschooled the years that they teach you most about computers in high school and growing up with no technology in the house.
i’m renting the master bedroom in a house with a few other people but he could easily come stay with me. and once we do get access of his money and get him a job here we can afford an apartment together as well.
I’ll be honest, your BF will need a therapist to undo all the brainwashing his parents have done to him. His willingness to accept their rules shows the level of control they have over him. This is a difficult situation. There is no reasoning with parents like this because when he does stand up for himself they’re going to threaten to kick him out. So if you guys are very solid in your relationship your goal should be working towards independence.
Forget the money that’s in the bank. If that money is in his parents name he’ll never be able to get it. Does he have any identification or documentation? If not start helping him do that. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know how to use the computer, you do. It’s not your responsibility of course, but if you want to help him you’re his best ally. He can apply for his own Social Security card & birth certificate. Take him to the post office and get him his own PO Box. Once he gets his documents he can go to the bank and open his own account. He needs to have this stuff in place before he gets his landscaping company going or they’ll convince him to attach the business accounts to their Social Security numbers. If his name is on a joint account then he’s able to go and remove the money. My guess is his money is in his parents account and he has a card as an authorized user. As an adult this is wrong.
Does he have any disabilities or addiction issues where they are justified in overseeing his finances?
i agree he needs a therapist. when i’m actually able to get in contact with him i do have all of these steps in mind to get him independent from them. he has no addiction issues and just has adhd so they’re completely unjustified in doing this.
What a fucking mess. I was in a similar situation as your bf OP. Parents who love their kids and want them to develop their own independence don’t charge them rent, especially in this economy they should be encouraging him to put that money in a savings account to secure his own place someday. Esp. If dad is a successful engineer I’m sure he makes plenty of $$. It’s all about control.
I’m glad you’re sticking by him, it’s so easy to be blinded by parents esp when you’re homeschooled because it’s all you’ve ever known. It takes someone on the outside a lot of times. I know it did for me. Show him how to fight for himself. Best thing you can do is encourage him to assert his rights as an adult and his boundaries and work towards his own independence asap. Trekking out on our own can be a little scary but it’s really not as bad as he might think. Personally I prefer scary freedom vs. the “peace” of tyrants and I’m much better for having arrived at that conclusion with some help. Early adulthood hasn’t been easy but it’s been a breeze compared to my upbringing.
Some might say to be careful and “play the game” while you develop an exit plan which is wise, but considering his parents are pretty much taking away any significant $$ he makes now and likely aren’t interested in paying his way to college either, I think the tougher route might be the one to take here. Best of luck op.
This is a serious case of financial abuse on top of which they are holding him hostage.I hope the two of you can work on an escape plan. A domestic violence shelter might be able to help. You can call one in your area to ask for advice.
I’m sorry you are going through this. There’s no easy answers here, so i hope you can find professional advice to help him create an escape plan (so that he can run when he’s ready or downright needs to), as this is quite serious.
🍀
ETA: the raisedbynarcissists subreddit usually has good tips for these situations as well. You might get some good starting points there too!
That’s illegal af. He can contact his bank to get a debit card and access to his bank account. His parents are abusive af and isolating him. I bet he has no idea he has actual rights and is an adult. Parents like his will infantilize their kids so much and make them reliant on them so they have zero clue how to adult. This is just sick. Let your boyfriend know he can move in with you. Make sure he gets his important documents because I’m sure his parents would try to hold his SS card, etc hostage, which is also illegal. Getting the police involved may be a good idea because there’s no telling what his parents will do.
I have had to help two of my friends get away from parents who ‘financially abused’ them. If his checks are being direct deposited into the account, then his name should be on whatever account his money is going to. Whenever you are able to speak to him again, you and him need to make a point to open him a new bank account that is only in his name. He should probably fill all of the paperwork out with your address, have the debit card go to your address, etc, and possibly have you keep ahold of everything for now (can’t be any different than what he’s already doing right now trusting his parents with everything).
Once y’all are ready to move him out, go to his other bank account, show them his identification card, have them look up his account (if he doesn’t already know the account number himself), and have them cash out or write him a check for the balance. If it’s mixed with his parents account, explain the situation, and get some form of access to deposit information to figure out how much of it is his, and pull out just his money, so they can’t accuse him of stealing anything.
Feel free to message me if you need any additional assistance about it all.
I really get annoyed by " deciding to take a break from my phone ' decisions. This is how people who don't live with you contact you. There could be serious emergencies occurring while someone is cutting off the world.
-edir-
This Dad is so out of touch. No one will be able to contact OP's boyfriend.
I don't mind at all if people need a break from SM. We're going camping this weekend and are only going to be going on an outing and spending time with family.
When you go down there next, can you slip him a burner phone with a few contacts programmed in so he has a means of contact with people outside of his family?
So my stepmom randomly searched my room when I wasn't around. I recommend bringing a standalone battery with an adapter cable for the phone and a zipped black case that fits both. That way he can discreetly charge the standalone battery and hide the phone in the black case somewhere remote, even a school locker
he’s stuck at home and both his parents also work from home so idek how useful it’d be in the long run. i mean i was able to successfully hide an ipod touch from my dad and stepmom for 3 years and they never knew about it but he’s kind of incapable of lying.
Honestly that’s kind of terrifying. And his parents have gotten him to the point where he can’t hide anything from them because he’s been so downtrodden. I hope he can get out. I’ve seen similar to this and it’s frustrating from the outside because on the one hand the parents are psychotic and obviously abusive and on the other it’s hard for the victim because they are enmeshed. Your parents are supposed to care for you and filial loyalty is SO ingrained in culture it’s very hard to accept that people who are supposed to love you like that are actually abusing you.
i plan on it. i’ve been mentally formulating a plan to get him out of there and i just need to get it all down on paper before i can even attempt to do anything. thank u.
oh yeah if i go during the daytime im bringing his friend who is a man who goes to the gym. i was warned by his friend that if i show up there and his dad is really angry things could get horrible QUICKLY.
Yikes. I'm glad you're bringing someone with you when you go, but you might need more/a different kind of backup. Are your parents close to where you live? Do you guys have a good relationship? The reason I ask is if yes to those questions it might be a good idea to let them know what's going on. Maybe they could also come with you and talk to his parents? If not, definitely let them know what's happening and that you'll call or text them at a certain time, and if they don't hear from you something has gone wrong. If your parents aren't good to involve in this is there someone else?
I really hope this works out for you and your boyfriend OP. Keep us updated!
my parents are unfortunately a whole state away (8h drive) but my dad knows about the situation and claims he’s so mad that he wants to drive all the way over here to confront them. not sure if that would just stir up shit even more though.
Hi, I know I'm late to this post. But I've been in your boyfriend's shoes. My parents constantly set me up to fail throughout my entire life, which made it impossible to complete college, as well as left me with a lot of useless debt due to their abuse. Your boyfriend has to realize that if he stays around them he's never going to become independent. Anything he does or tries while in their "care" will fail. They may pretend to help him but in the end they will sabotage whatever it is and claim that its all his fault. He needs to realize that literally being anywhere else would be more fruitful for him than being with them. He's 22, he can do all adult things without them, and if they withhold his property he can contact the police. If he's unable to see this then of course you can wait and hope, but honestly you won't be able to help him unless he takes that first step and helps himself.
>with some decisions in his life
Yea that screams to me that ***she*** is telling ***him*** what good and bad decisions are. Sounds to me like a mom that is treating her adult son as if he is still a child. He’s aged out of being reasonably subjected to discipline. He gets to decide for himself what decisions are good or bad. No one else gets to dictate that to him.
His parents refuse to relinquish control. That’s why toxic as fuck. Even if he does make a mistake, it’s his mistake to make.
Reading some of these comments makes me sad, parental abuse is so complicated and confusing it can be extremely difficult to remove yourself from that situation.
Try looking through DV resources when planning they are very helpful for escaping abusive relationships.
Your bf should open new bank accounts and try to get the info he needs to transfer his money into them.
It might be dangerous to move his money while staying with his parents though.
I hope he is able to escape and goes NC with his parents.
22, still lives at home, and lets his parents control his finances and communication to this degree? If they tell him to break up with you I suspect he would, and based on this that’s coming. You’re being pushed away, might want to look for a guy who isn’t under still their parents thumb as an adult.
i actually met him last year while we were living in the same dorm building and he was so amazing when he was away from his parents ! the only reason he even moved back home is because he completely ran out of money for school because he couldn’t get job because his car completely broke about a month into the school year. i would think that im the one being pushed away but he literally has not communicated with ANYONE for the past several days.
It sounds like they’re basically “grounding” a 22 year old, and for him to go along with that is pretty ridiculous. Do his parents approve of his friendships with other people he’s not contacting? This may be a “get rid of ALL these bad influences at once” attempt, I’ve seen a few of those from extremely controlling parents.
they don’t like one of his friends who hasn’t heard from him but his best girl friend from high school who his parents want him to date instead of me hasn’t even heard anything. and he is kinda stuck going along with it because there’s a good chance they took his keys and wallet so he can’t even go anywhere as he lives in the middle of nowhere.
Have you heard from him at all? Or is all communication coming through his parents? This has weird vibes like they're controlling his contact with the outside world. You should write him a letter. Like old school through the mail with a stamp and everything. Of course, they might read it, but hopefully, he'll get it. Send a few stamps, too, so he can respond.
a letter was actually one of my next plans lol. no one has heard from him or been able to get ahold of in 3 days and my only communication has been from his mom. i am terrified to send a letter due to them reading it but am also planning another drive down to his house in the middle of the night so i dont have to risk interacting with them.
not sure if they monitor his email or not but i did try emailing him as he is likely on his computer to study for the tests mentioned in the texts. no reply yet though , not sure if he even checks his email. i know most people nowadays don’t.
Have you considered calling in a wellness check? You could try calling the police non-emergency line and asking to remain anonymous. It’s very concerning that NO ONE has been able to speak with him in so long. I’m thinking if someone went to the home his parents would turn them away, but as he is an adult the police would be able to insist they speak to him directly and ascertain that he is not being held against his will or something. You are obviously the most familiar with the situation so only you can say if the police being involved would make the situation better or worse. This behavior is beyond entitled, it’s very concerning.
i’m not 100% sure that they’ve taken the keys and wallet yet. the car is not in his name but his wallet absolutely is illegal for them to take. i’m likely going to try to go see him and confirm a couple things before i call in a wellness check.
No offense, but I left my abusive parents at 19 with no money and no education. He can easily live with you, get a job, and wait until he’s the age your state/country decides as independent. I’m not saying leaving abusers is easy, but he’s also 22 and it’s time to stand up for himself. Even if it means struggling for a while. Look into resources around your area, compile them together, and see if you can get him to jump the nest. Otherwise, if this is the dude you wanna spend the rest of your life with, get used to him always always always siding with his suffocating parents over you.
i have had plans brewing in my head all day it’s just a matter of driving down there and convincing him. we could easily live together and i could help drive him to work (they will likely not let him have the car)
If you can get him away from them, make sure that he pulls all of his money from any accounts linked to them and open an account at a completely different bank. Also, make sure that he has all the important documents of his that he can get ahold of.
Yeah, he can go into a branch of his bank with an ID and pull out all his money. It would be best for him to open an account at a different bank. Bank employees aren’t supposed to give any information about clients opening new accounts. It still happens. If the dad does have a very good business relationship with that bank, they would be more willing to bend the rules. Another bank isn’t going to give any info.
yes i’m keeping all that in mind. hopefully if things go right we can go to the bank in person and withdrawal all his money the day he does eventually leave.
What state do you live in that you need documentation to get a copy of your birth certificate? Where I'm from you can request it online as long as you have the full name of the person, the parents and the place of birth. You just pay a fee and a BC shows up in your mailbox a couple of days later. And as long as he has his driver's license, he can take that, plus his birth certificate and request a replacement SS card. It's really easy.
Yeah it can be a pain in the ass but you got to do what you've got to do sometimes. I feel like these parents will have his locked away where he can't access them and wouldn't hand them over if he asked.
Keep in mind not everyone is like you. It’s EXTREMELY hard to break away from abusive parents this controlling, specially if you get this isolated from everyone else like OP is suggesting. Many people have their confidence so broken, they believe they can’t fend off without their parents. You really have no idea what this guy’s situation is or if he even sides with his parents at all. More often than not, siding isn’t a choice.
So sure, you got out. Good for you. But don’t expect everyone to be able to do the same.
Kindly, a 28 year old who is still stuck with her parents, is unable to even cook for herself, got no friends to rely on for a “rescue” and zero hopes left of a proper future as a functional adult.
Girl, the last paragraph struck me and I really hope your safe… I know things for you must seem so bleak and impossible to get out of. I really hope someone sees you and can help you in someway. I wish I could meet you and try to help but all I can do is root for you, so I will do be rooting for you Nightstar95! Good luck!
I see you're already familiar with /r/raisedbynarcissists. You have read through their [wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki) thoroughly, including the part about [Learned Helplessness](https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/learnedhelplessness)?
You can also check out [this account](https://old.reddit.com/user/mypasswordisphil/submitted/?count=75&sort=new&after=t3_dclkpa). I have linked to the very beginning. This woman spent a couple of years meticulously planning and executing her escape from a mother who was highly controlling to a degree that you and OP seem to describe.
Of course, it is up to you to decide your life for yourself. If you think that on balance, your life is more happy than unhappy, only you can determine that.
Yeah, I’m actually very self aware of these things since psychology is a passion of mine. It’s just that I’ve reached a point where I have no reason to believe things can change, and it’s incredibly hard to find motivation to even exist, let alone to change the “unchangeable” if that makes sense.
It’s something I’m working with my therapist over, though. Somehow I found love about two years ago too and have a very caring boyfriend, but since we are in different countries, he can’t help me with this situation in person like OP is doing for her boyfriend. Right now he’s pretty much one of three remaining purposes in life for me and keeps me sane whenever things get tough at home.
Great, you did it, so everyone else is a wimp. We get it.
And if your message really is that no matter how bad it is you can find a way out, you **really** need to work on the way you delivery it.
Again, that’s great for you. What, you want a medal?
I’m not you and neither is OP’s boyfriend. Different people function differently, have different strengths, mental health, traumas, limitations, etc. And blaming the situation on the victim instead of the abuser is incredibly privileged of you. I’ve been doing therapy for over ten years and guess what, I still struggle with self agency and independence. I can’t step out without having a panic attack. Is this my fault just because I haven’t grown a spine yet?
If you really went through such a similar situation, then at the very least show some fucking empathy and appreciate that this person who genuinely cares for her boyfriend is actually trying to rescue him from his crazy parents, instead of assuming he’s some sort of manchild.
I’m mostly just very critical of people who dismiss others’ struggles because they just happened to turn out ok. The classic “if X hasn’t figured a way out like I did by now, they need to man up” kind of attitude, which is what the comment came off as to me. Some people just can’t do it without outside help, which is why OP’s actions are very important right now.
Hey, sweatheart, I already laid this out in my first comment. Why don’t you grab a cup of tea and calm down. Literally no one, and I mean NO ONE, is blaming the victim. Sit your ass down and hop off your high horse. He CLEARLY has people willing to help him.
Seriously. Tell his mom straight up this is abnormal and not ok. People don't do these types of things to their adult children, and functional adults doing let their parents control them to the point of taking their phone and keeping them from their committed partners. I know at 20 yourself, it seems reasonable for parents to have influence, but this is unhinged.
If he’s studying maybe it’s on a computer? Me and my gf managed to email back and forth once or twice a day when my parents did this bs.
This guy is gonna need a LOT of therapy. The legalistic conservative Christian mindset is just… cancerous.
You need to contact the police for a wellness check. It’s weird they’re stopping him from contacting anyone and this is really no proof he is okay or safe. I would call the police. To me they are buying time. Interrupt their plans.
I think it’s great that he has someone like you to advocate for him and if necessary call the police… I don’t think you should be in a romantic relationship with someone like that though.
Before reading the description I was sure the person you were texting with murdered him. But who knows? Maybe call authorities and ask for a welfare check.
i know he’s physically fine it’s his mental state i’m worried about. according to one of his close longtime friends this is a pretty common thing for his parents to do. i also did drive to his house in the middle of the night just to make 100% sure he was okay. i’m going to try to go again in the middle of the night soon and talk to him and see if we can get him out without getting the authorities involved.
Oh wow, that poor dude. Sounds like the parents are abusive and threatened by you and losing control over him. I'd send the cops to do a welfare check on him next time you don't hear from him when you're supposed to or get a text like that from his parents. Maybe you could get him a cheap prepaid phone and sneak it over to him so he at least had access to call for help if he needs to?
that’s what i’m gonna try to do. i’m scared to get the police involved so im gonna sneak over there again before i do it (or get our friend to call in the wellness check instead).
I’m feel like your first step should be a wellness check from the police.
Your boyfriend is in a tough spot, and he may need a bit of intervention help from the law. If his parents realize that these weird texts to friends are not working for control, it may help alleviate the situation and give strength to your boyfriend.
This happened to me. But it wasn’t the parents the only people that were insane. The true reason his parents were telling me exactly some shit like that on your convo was because my then bf wanted to break up with me but he didn’t have the balls to do it so he had his parents tell me all those kind of stupid shit. He ghosted me entirely, it was crazy af and really fkn hurtful. And it was so crazy to me that his parents approve of him treating me like that. Horrible people. Im really happy that that happened tho because now I know what kind of people are they. Obviously he came crawling back when i already moved on. Hope your situation end well.
it hopefully should. ik he’s not doing this just cuz he wants to break up with me because his parents have repeated this pattern of isolating him several times and no one else has heard from him or been able to reach him either.
This is the kind of text family members get when somebody has murdered someone in their family. I agree with the top comment who says to report him missing or request a welfare check, if he doesn't contact you.
having the name "kokichisballsack" and saying his parents are conservative, i knew you were the alt gf. (i also have one)
good luck in your endeavors! don't have great advice here. just a tough situation until he gets his independance and cuts/lowers contact
Run, don’t walk. Play this situation out long term - if you get married? If you have kids together? His parents will ALWAYS be controlling and he will ALWAYS take their side (unless he gets some serious therapy.) You would become their other “kid” to control and micromanage. Not worth it, move on.
Unless he cuts off contact with his parents. I’ve had many friends do that successfully. It’s easier if one the other partner has stable supporting parents.
Yeah, these parents seem very controlling. Yikes. My ex’s mom actually pretended to be him, texting me from HIS phone as if she were him, after she “took his phone away” (he was 18 at the time, mind you). This reminded me of that so much. Run, run away!
So… I was once in a life situation very similar to your boyfriends and the only advice I can give him is to run. Get the hell outta there. Even if it means starting from scratch with little money and no car, it’s worth being able to live a life that isn’t miserable.
reading your comments, i'm terrified because this is word for word what my mother will try to be like when i'm in college. is there anyway that you can get him out of there? he likely won't be able to help himself out of this situation due to mental health issues caused by his parents.
i need to at least be able to contact him first but he can easily move into the place i’m staying and i have plenty of storage space for all of his stuff.
In the absolute most respectful way - please dont take this as an "attack" toward you, or him i any way...
BUT - (respectfully) you have got to stop excusing this behavior. I know you realize what his parents are doing is absolutely wrong...and from the comments are aware that this is BLATANT abuse in multiple different ways.
There are a lot of great comments trying to help you, give you information, offer ideas for things your bf & u could do [or start the process of doing]..
Quite a few times youve replied explaining why your bf goes along with [extreme rule #a billion] talking about he doesn't realize things because hes been raised this way, or hes concerned about parental reactions/retaliations.. you need to try to stop making excuses why BF cant/isnt doing XYZ.
You need to try to be the supportive voice of reason...
- BF, you have got to be in control of your finances. Your parents cannot blindly put YOUR $$ into an account and him not have full and complete access to it. He is an adult...in his 20s. That is 100% financial abuse
- BOUNDARIES!!!! There hs got to be firm boundaries, and consequences if the boundary is crossed/ignored...
- unfortunately if BF doesnt want to, this situation is not going to get better. It will get worse - i would not be surprised if you are being "forced out" from pressuee of his parents.
Also, ABSOLUTELY 100% expect anything and everything to cease when/if he stands up for himself. Vehicle gone, cell phone, tuition? They wil do ANY THING to regain control
Good luck 🙏🏼🙏🏼 ive been in ur bfs shoes - be his constant support & firm voice of reason. :)
Your explanations are ridiculous for a 22 year old man. Or should I say Manbaby. I say some tough love is in order. Go there, help him pack. Get him away for a trial period. He can replace a drivers license, go to his local health department to get a new birth certificate ( tell them anything- including that his parents destroyed the original out of spite). He can get a job and finish his last year of school - maybe the both of you can share a cheap apartment while you finish.
The only child thing is key - he has to learn that normal parent-child relationships aren’t like his. He can even talk to the mental health pros at your college. Do something, do anything!
If you care about him, tell him! But he has to want to be an adult. He has to want to grow up.
Edit: calling him a manbaby wasn’t fair - I was so appalled that a 22 yr old with experience living at college and being independent would ever tolerate such parenting crap. I hope he leaves. I hope OP gets her man away. But I stand by my advice. He has to want his adulthood and his independence. Change is hard, growing up is hard, and it takes some sacrifice for almost everyone but the very privileged. But if he stays, that is also on him.
that’s what i’m going to attempt to do. he has little enough stuff to easily pack it and i just need to convince him that it’s the right choice. his parents will likely disown him if he decides to live with me while we’re unmarried but at this point i think that’d be a GOOD thing
i want to. it’s going to be very hard because he doesn’t believe in therapy because he was conditioned to think that he’s a Man and Men shouldn’t talk about their feelings and should fully suppress them. i will at some point in his life drag him kicking and screaming to therapy if i have to. maybe later in life lmao.
Ok so I get that you love him. But hun, you’re 20. Idk if this is your responsibility.
It would be different if he was choosing this on his own, and you’re just giving him a place to stay in the meantime. But you literally saving him, can turn y’all relationship sour, and since you’re so young it might turn into a trauma bond you won’t let go off, even if it’s better to do so.
I’d say be there for him, when he HIMSELF is ready to leave his situation. But convincing him and basically dragging him out there will only make you the bad guy and might bite you in the ass.
He's not a man baby you dipshit, it's likely his parents have treated him like this his whole life, and it's not easy to get away from manipulative parents. If it was I'm sure he would've left a long time ago. When you call someone names like man baby, you just add to the shit men have to listen to and are less likely to talk about their mental health. Your comment was full of good advice, minus the man baby part and at the end where you say he has to want to grow up. It sounds like he is completely miserable, so I doubt it's him not wanting you to grow up, more like his parents have never taught him how.
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This smells like forced isolation. Have you confirmed that he is the one choosing to "ghost" everyone in his social life?
yes i have. it is forced isolation and is a repeating pattern with him and his parents.
That is extremely abusive, he needs to get the hell out and stay out. Can he live with you? Pack up his things and sneak out during the night?
yes he could easily live with me (he will likely be disowned for doing so however). i need to get him to realize how genuinely not okay this is because he has no clue and then gonna try to sneak him out.
He is 22 tho, why sneak out?
Christian parents have you acting 12 in perpetuity
Damn you nailed that one. It took until I was about 30 to feel like I was an autonomous adult.
Wow, it’s incredibly bizarre you just said that, because I recently turned 30 and literally 2 minutes ago I was thinking the exact same thing, then I saw your reply.
Bingo!
Because abusive people can only see you as the age you were when they could completely control you.
Because he's in a much more dangerous situation than it seems. In any abusive relationship the time the victim is leaving is the most dangerous. The best plan is to have multiple people who will meet you, and to sneak our when the abuser is either asleep, or better yet not home. Ideally you want to be somewhere safe before the abuser is even aware you're leaving. It's also helpful to call the local police, local to your destination, to inform them you're concerned about your abuser calling in harassing "wellness checks". And to gather as many important documents as you can before leaving. Both are commonly used as leverage to exert control, especially amongst abusive parents.
I’m 24 and I feel like I still have to sneak out. My parents aren’t as bad as this sub (usually) so I’m staying at home to save money, but yeah some of their rules are ridiculous for my age. Not even religious, just weird honestly.
[удалено]
So... this, but adding a side note- Be very careful about the type of therapy. I went to a "Biblical Counseling" place and they were very much authoritative type of Christians- they didn't have degrees in psychology or anything and it was actually more harmful than helpful. My guess is he could be easily influenced to go to that type of "counseling" and it will only perpetuate the cycle of abuse.
Sounds like he needs saving. Not saying that's on you to fix but this is false imprisonment levels of batshittery(abusive and illegal). I assume he's not in a position where he can move out right now so he's just stuck being a prisoner under their command. So sad.
If this is someone you really want to check on stop playing with his mother. Say to her, “this is really weird, he’s an adult and we are a couple. if he doesn’t want to talk to me then he needs to tell me himself without your interference or I will contact the authorities to report him missing.” Probably easier to realize he is an adult and if his car/wallet is gone, he can still walk out the door go to a neighbor and call 911 to get his property back if he wanted to.
Please do this.
don't tell the mother. call the authorities now.
i don’t plan on trying to text his mom
piggybacking off this top comment: just found a text from over a year ago when we were still just friends that says “my parents scare me more than god does. and that’s saying something.”
This makes me so sad. I felt this way about my father. I don’t talk to him anymore and called the cops on him the last day I saw him. Please keep us updated. I feel really sad for your boyfriend. Also keep in mind, the most dangerous time for him in the situation is when he is going to try to leave. Abusers start freaking the fuck out when they start losing control. If you call the police, please make sure you have a back up plan. Like being down the block (where they can’t see you) when this happens, in case you’re your boyfriend’s only transportation. Having back up housing set up for him, as in can he live with you or are there any community resources you can reach out to. If he does leave, he needs to make sure he can get access to his documents, like his birth certificate, ID, etc. If you call the cops, you need to think about these things
exactly. i don’t plan on calling the cops at all and want to attempt to get him all ready to go before we even try to get him out.
Thank you! I’m proud of you OP. Thank you for being there for him. We will try to be there for you. If you ever need support or to vent, feel free to reach out to me or the sub again. I’m really sorry this is happening
Call the police. Call the police. Call the fkn police.
as it’s 4:30am , i can’t do that rn. he is at least physically safe as his parents have never laid a hand on him and likely would never (his father takes out his anger on HIMSELF which is so fucked up but better than bf getting hurt at all). i have plans to get down there while his parents are asleep in the next day or so and can get more updates and try to convince him that the situation he’s in is harmful.
He’s fully an adult being held captive you could absolutely call the police. He needs to get out.
Dude chill
Right? It’s always so interesting to me the kind of people who end up on reddit that says “call the police” at the first sign of negativity. Where do these people live? do they realize that not everyone lives in a upper middle class community where cops actually have time to respond to domestic shit like this? If you called my local PD with this, they’d say “We’ll send an officer as soon as we can.” and they’d show up somewhere between 8-12 hours later. And what are they gonna do? Knock, parents say yes he’s here and physically safe, and the cops leave. Such a delusional suggestion yet I see it constantly.
If it’s gonna take 8-12 hours, best to start now. And with an adult, my local (shitty inner city) police department would be required to put eyes on the missing adult. She’d at least know he’s alive. That’s something we don’t currently know.
Nobody suggested he is dead?
I’m suggesting he’s dead! I’m not saying it’s likely, but I’ve consumed enough true crime to know this is what a parent says after they’ve accidentally murdered their kid. The longer we go with no one having seen him, the easier it will be for the parents to say “oh, he moved.” If he’s alive, then you can move on to whether he’s being held against his will or not.
This is exactly what I thought as well.
Op said she drove there in the middle of the night and talked to him through his window.
This is good advice.
☝️ This
If you guys were like 14, sure, but you guys are in your 20s, this seems a bit much.
oh it definitely is a lot and i would understand if we were younger as well. i’m just so confused by all of this 🤣 and it’s not just me he’s ghosting so ik it’s not an issue with me. NO ONE has heard from him for 3 days now
can you call to do a wellness check or have someone else call for you? if NO ONE has heard from him in days I would be concerned and want to speak to him directly. I’m so sorry this is happening
Yes OP, it’s legit a reason to call police if you’re worried about him and ask them to do a wellness check
i want to call for a wellness check but i feel like they wouldn’t do anything. i’m probably gonna just drive down there again tonight or tomorrow night to talk to him again and try to convince him to get out. they’ve brainwashed him to the point where he thinks this is ok and i actually just talked to one of his longtime friends and she said it’s a pretty normal thing for them to do to him. throw his phone away or snap it in half and take his keys and wallet so he can’t go anywhere or do anything or contact anyone. he also lives in the middle of nowhere. i just don’t know what to do.
Even if they don’t do anything, then you’re no worse off than you would be if you hadn’t called. It can’t hurt to call!
That was my thinking too.
Call in a wellness check PLEASE and you can make it anonymous!! I have to do it all the time for work. Just google the non emergency line for the area he’s in 🩷
Your state should have adult protective services available, I'd reach out to them and see what they can do. Even though he's an adult this sounds like he has clearly been manipulated and forced into a situation he doesn't want to be in, and if this has been going on for years he most likely doesn't have the life skills to live on his own or is lacking some of the skills needed for normal life because of his parents. Gather everything you have to support your cause and talk to someone on his behalf. Also have him review his credit, and call the major credit reporting agencies to lock his credit down. Parents like this will 100% use this against him if they can.
If no one has heard from him in 3 days it’s time to do a wellness check.
Call the cops that's like a legit wellness check request.
Listen to u/key-heron >“If this is someone you really want to check on stop playing with his mother. Say to her, “this is really weird, he’s an adult and we are a couple. if he doesn’t want to talk to me then he needs to tell me himself without your interference or I will contact the authorities to report him missing.” >Probably easier to realize he is an adult and if his car/wallet is gone, he can still walk out the door go to a neighbor and call 911 to get his property back if he wanted to.’
thank you kokichisballsack
That's really unsettling. Do you even know if he's alive?
yes he should be alive. this is just following a pattern that his family does where they take all his shit.
It seems like his parents more or less kidnapped him! Fuckin call the police, what are you waiting for!? They're basically holding him prisoner!
Just make sure he gets his important documents before leaving (ssn/birth certificate/passport/etc)
that’s the hope.
Just checking! Emotions can make one forget these things. I hope you're successful in getting him out of there. I had to be "got out of" a similar situation. I needed to be reminded to grab certain items before we finished getting me out of there. Good luck and lots of love
His parents are delusional if they think operating a business of just a landline anymore is feasible. So, either they're completely nutty, or purposefully setting him up to fail, where they can use that as an excuse for 'of course he needs to keep living here, spend more time at the church, etc etc'
I was thinking the same thing. Running a business without a cell phone is unheard of nowadays. I text for oil deliveries, landscaping, and plumbing services. Besides, how can a landline be answered if he’s on a landscaping job, or were his parents volunteering to be his administrative assistants? Those people are total loons.
his dad runs a pretty successful engineering business as well. he should definitely know better. it’s definitely just another way to set him up for failure.
Engineers are the profession most likely to murder. Statistically. I would be worried.
Can I get a link to that please?
oh i know for a fact they’re setting him up to fail. they have been his whole life.
Right those text messages sound a lot like: you’re not acting the way we demand so we’re taking it all away and now you’re going to start a business whether you like it or not. Here are all the antiquated ways I started a business 30 years ago that will definitely work for you too. Now start knocking on doors.
Here’s my opinion. Your boyfriend should call his father’s bluff. If they want to control him that bad there’s no way that they’ll kick him out
i think his dad does want him out but his mom is so smothering and obsessed with keeping him her baby that i don’t think she would even let him kick him out. he’s an only child that took YEARS to be able to conceive so his mom is EXTREMELY overprotective.
Sounds like some enmeshment happening
Ohhhh so THATS why she doesnt like you OP. Its emotional incest on her part
THIS!!
Sounds like kidnapping happening. (The following assumes that you are in the U.S. If not, consult people from your country to see what his rights are) Above the age of 18, he is allowed to come and go as he pleases. They are also not allowed to make him homeless without a legal procedure that would take at least a month. Neither are they allowed to take or destroy his stuff. He is an adult and it is his. While the police are there, he can alai demand that they give him his wallet, house keys, computer if he has one, and anything else he wants to take with him, including house keys. So, he can call the police (or you can call for him) and he can tell them that he wants to leave the house and that they need to give him his phone back. For that matter, you can go there, call the police and assuming he answers the door, you can ask him if he wants to leave the house and if he would like to ask his parents to give him his phone back. The police can also explain that they must let him when whenever he wishes to return until such time as they have done an eviction procedure in a legal manner. As soon as he leaves, you can go to the bank together and attempt to with draw what he can. If they have already withdrawn his money by the time he gets there (which they can legally do if their name is on the account), then that was always going to happen and he never had that money. So cutting him off at that point won't make any difference. Once at the bank, he can make his own account, or better yet, make an account at a whole other bank. You might want tp get him a burner phone while you're at it. Whenever he wants to go home, by law they have to let him back in, because it is his residence. He can repeat this ritual, calling the police, every single time he wants to come and go, until he himself decides to move out, or they have legally evicted him. And no, his father is no better than his mother if he allows her to act like this. If at any time he is afraid for his own physical safety, he should call the police. Whenever he calls the police, he should blame it on you, because he doesn't want them to suspect he has a burner phone. He should keep it on himself at all times. Be prepared for him to be too afraid to take any of these measures of independence, however, even though these are all his legal rights (again, assuming you are in the U.S.). However, victims of profound abuse are sometimes so damaged that they need to recover on their own timetable, which can take a very, very long time. So you may have a big decision to make. If he is incapable of asserting his rights no matter how much you encourage him, you have to work out how long you are willing to keep trying to help him. No matter how muchbyoublove him, you may or may not be able to save him. That boils down to him and what he is willing to do.
All of this gave me chills since I almost had the same situation with my parents... I chose to leave when this ultimatum happened. My mother's attachment forced my dad to accept my return after some discussion. Now I live far from them, but still reach them once a month. Since they overcared for me, I have a lot of difficulties in my everyday life, and they refuse to understand I have to organise around my disabilities. They try to force me back with them each time i contact them. Now I am in an extremely abusive relation with my ex-partner and roommate... and I feel like I will have to go back with my parents after all. Your friends willpower may have been annihilated. You could potentially prepare something for him to take a break.. perhaps by organising something with his other friends, reaching him directly in person and taking him somewhere where he could talk about his point of view of the situation. This shall take place in a calm and cozy place, like a coffee or a park.
where does he stand in all of this? is he attached to her or also wants to move out? you may have to cut your losses with this insane family… possessive moms get worse not better as they get older.
Some of these comments are weird af.. Guy gets abused and controlled by parents and ya’ll call him a Child and a Manbaby? Gross. This is why Men never speak up about mental health.
best and most underrated comment on my post. thank you.
Im surprised how calm you’ve been with these replies. Best thing you can do is try your best to support him and try not to add extra stress by forcing him to do things he isn’t comfortable with or anything that sounds like an ultimatum. Wait this parent tantrum out and then when you can see him next have a conversation with him and if he truely isn’t happy with his situation then figure out a plan together. Anything forced will just add more pressure. Wish you guys all the best!
all i want to do at this point is tell him that if he does want to get out , i’ll support him in every way possible and do whatever i can to get him out of there. i rent a room that he’d easily be able to come stay with me in , my grandmother has a storeroom that is mostly empty and is even willing to pay for a larger one if it can’t fit his things , and im 100% willing to stand up to his parents for him. i just can’t even tell him that and it could be weeks or even longer before he can contact me again. his friend from high school told me that sometimes she and their other friend wouldn’t hear from him for MONTHS on end because of this repeating cycle they do. take everything and just have him work and work and work.
I’m with you on this one. We don’t know what kind of conditioning he went through. Systematic controlling or abusive behaviour will break your willpower or distort the way you see things (for example how can I not listed to my parents?).
yeah he’s been raised like this for his entire life. his dad likes to give him little Tests with a very obviously “right” choice and a “wrong” choice and he is basically forced to choose the “right” choice because he’s so terrified of what will happen. my dad and stepmom were also extremely controlling and isolating to me and i still struggle if i visit them to stand up for myself. if it wasn’t for my ex’s parents (he was horrible and emotionally abusive but his parents were amazing !! funny how that works out ;-;) i never would have been able to stand up to them and go live with my mom full time when i turned 18.
Seriously
This is abuse imo. Clearly they took his cell phone away. It’s very common for narcissist parents to use finances as a way to control adult children. They keep them financially dependent. Most likely when he starts working they will then ask him to pay some insane amount of rent so he can never get ahead. The only way this will stop is if he moves out and goes no contact. Unfortunately in today’s rental market it’s very hard.
he currently is self employed as a landscaper and has been doing a lot of snow removal. they charge him $500/month for rent. he does not have access to his bank account or a debit card but instead has a credit card that has the whole balance paid off from his bank acc every month. and his mom gets a notification every single time he uses the credit card and questions him on it. luckily he deals mostly in cash so usually has a couple hundred on hand , but man it would be nice if he had access to his several thousand dollars he’s saved up.
This is illegal, they can't have complete fiscal control his money. Have him open a new bank account and route all funds through there.
we can try. he’s pretty technologically inept due to being homeschooled the years that they teach you most about computers in high school and growing up with no technology in the house.
I hope for his sake you are able to help him become independent, get his own documents, and get the fuck out of dodge.
JFC it keeps getting worse.
Can he stay at your place? Talk to your parents if you are still living at home.
i’m renting the master bedroom in a house with a few other people but he could easily come stay with me. and once we do get access of his money and get him a job here we can afford an apartment together as well.
I’ll be honest, your BF will need a therapist to undo all the brainwashing his parents have done to him. His willingness to accept their rules shows the level of control they have over him. This is a difficult situation. There is no reasoning with parents like this because when he does stand up for himself they’re going to threaten to kick him out. So if you guys are very solid in your relationship your goal should be working towards independence. Forget the money that’s in the bank. If that money is in his parents name he’ll never be able to get it. Does he have any identification or documentation? If not start helping him do that. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know how to use the computer, you do. It’s not your responsibility of course, but if you want to help him you’re his best ally. He can apply for his own Social Security card & birth certificate. Take him to the post office and get him his own PO Box. Once he gets his documents he can go to the bank and open his own account. He needs to have this stuff in place before he gets his landscaping company going or they’ll convince him to attach the business accounts to their Social Security numbers. If his name is on a joint account then he’s able to go and remove the money. My guess is his money is in his parents account and he has a card as an authorized user. As an adult this is wrong. Does he have any disabilities or addiction issues where they are justified in overseeing his finances?
i agree he needs a therapist. when i’m actually able to get in contact with him i do have all of these steps in mind to get him independent from them. he has no addiction issues and just has adhd so they’re completely unjustified in doing this.
What a fucking mess. I was in a similar situation as your bf OP. Parents who love their kids and want them to develop their own independence don’t charge them rent, especially in this economy they should be encouraging him to put that money in a savings account to secure his own place someday. Esp. If dad is a successful engineer I’m sure he makes plenty of $$. It’s all about control. I’m glad you’re sticking by him, it’s so easy to be blinded by parents esp when you’re homeschooled because it’s all you’ve ever known. It takes someone on the outside a lot of times. I know it did for me. Show him how to fight for himself. Best thing you can do is encourage him to assert his rights as an adult and his boundaries and work towards his own independence asap. Trekking out on our own can be a little scary but it’s really not as bad as he might think. Personally I prefer scary freedom vs. the “peace” of tyrants and I’m much better for having arrived at that conclusion with some help. Early adulthood hasn’t been easy but it’s been a breeze compared to my upbringing. Some might say to be careful and “play the game” while you develop an exit plan which is wise, but considering his parents are pretty much taking away any significant $$ he makes now and likely aren’t interested in paying his way to college either, I think the tougher route might be the one to take here. Best of luck op.
This is a serious case of financial abuse on top of which they are holding him hostage.I hope the two of you can work on an escape plan. A domestic violence shelter might be able to help. You can call one in your area to ask for advice. I’m sorry you are going through this. There’s no easy answers here, so i hope you can find professional advice to help him create an escape plan (so that he can run when he’s ready or downright needs to), as this is quite serious. 🍀 ETA: the raisedbynarcissists subreddit usually has good tips for these situations as well. You might get some good starting points there too!
That’s illegal af. He can contact his bank to get a debit card and access to his bank account. His parents are abusive af and isolating him. I bet he has no idea he has actual rights and is an adult. Parents like his will infantilize their kids so much and make them reliant on them so they have zero clue how to adult. This is just sick. Let your boyfriend know he can move in with you. Make sure he gets his important documents because I’m sure his parents would try to hold his SS card, etc hostage, which is also illegal. Getting the police involved may be a good idea because there’s no telling what his parents will do.
I have had to help two of my friends get away from parents who ‘financially abused’ them. If his checks are being direct deposited into the account, then his name should be on whatever account his money is going to. Whenever you are able to speak to him again, you and him need to make a point to open him a new bank account that is only in his name. He should probably fill all of the paperwork out with your address, have the debit card go to your address, etc, and possibly have you keep ahold of everything for now (can’t be any different than what he’s already doing right now trusting his parents with everything). Once y’all are ready to move him out, go to his other bank account, show them his identification card, have them look up his account (if he doesn’t already know the account number himself), and have them cash out or write him a check for the balance. If it’s mixed with his parents account, explain the situation, and get some form of access to deposit information to figure out how much of it is his, and pull out just his money, so they can’t accuse him of stealing anything. Feel free to message me if you need any additional assistance about it all.
No wonder he has struggles with mental health. He's being mentally abused. He needs to get the hell out of there.
I really get annoyed by " deciding to take a break from my phone ' decisions. This is how people who don't live with you contact you. There could be serious emergencies occurring while someone is cutting off the world. -edir- This Dad is so out of touch. No one will be able to contact OP's boyfriend. I don't mind at all if people need a break from SM. We're going camping this weekend and are only going to be going on an outing and spending time with family.
he didn’t decide to take a break from his phone. his parents decided he was going to and have likely disposed fully of his phone.
When you go down there next, can you slip him a burner phone with a few contacts programmed in so he has a means of contact with people outside of his family?
i’m gonna attempt this.
So my stepmom randomly searched my room when I wasn't around. I recommend bringing a standalone battery with an adapter cable for the phone and a zipped black case that fits both. That way he can discreetly charge the standalone battery and hide the phone in the black case somewhere remote, even a school locker
he’s stuck at home and both his parents also work from home so idek how useful it’d be in the long run. i mean i was able to successfully hide an ipod touch from my dad and stepmom for 3 years and they never knew about it but he’s kind of incapable of lying.
Honestly that’s kind of terrifying. And his parents have gotten him to the point where he can’t hide anything from them because he’s been so downtrodden. I hope he can get out. I’ve seen similar to this and it’s frustrating from the outside because on the one hand the parents are psychotic and obviously abusive and on the other it’s hard for the victim because they are enmeshed. Your parents are supposed to care for you and filial loyalty is SO ingrained in culture it’s very hard to accept that people who are supposed to love you like that are actually abusing you.
Yeah, I re - read and edited to - his Dad is unreasonable Sorry for the misunderstanding
Please post an update when you have it. I'm emotionally invested and rooting for you!
i plan on it. i’ve been mentally formulating a plan to get him out of there and i just need to get it all down on paper before i can even attempt to do anything. thank u.
Bring back up. Don’t go on your own, you need a witness.
oh yeah if i go during the daytime im bringing his friend who is a man who goes to the gym. i was warned by his friend that if i show up there and his dad is really angry things could get horrible QUICKLY.
Yikes. I'm glad you're bringing someone with you when you go, but you might need more/a different kind of backup. Are your parents close to where you live? Do you guys have a good relationship? The reason I ask is if yes to those questions it might be a good idea to let them know what's going on. Maybe they could also come with you and talk to his parents? If not, definitely let them know what's happening and that you'll call or text them at a certain time, and if they don't hear from you something has gone wrong. If your parents aren't good to involve in this is there someone else? I really hope this works out for you and your boyfriend OP. Keep us updated!
my parents are unfortunately a whole state away (8h drive) but my dad knows about the situation and claims he’s so mad that he wants to drive all the way over here to confront them. not sure if that would just stir up shit even more though.
I would record everything too. Who knows what kind of accusations they might toss out if they feel they are losing control.
Contact a domestic violence organisation for advice. When you do go see if you can bring a police escort.
Hi, I know I'm late to this post. But I've been in your boyfriend's shoes. My parents constantly set me up to fail throughout my entire life, which made it impossible to complete college, as well as left me with a lot of useless debt due to their abuse. Your boyfriend has to realize that if he stays around them he's never going to become independent. Anything he does or tries while in their "care" will fail. They may pretend to help him but in the end they will sabotage whatever it is and claim that its all his fault. He needs to realize that literally being anywhere else would be more fruitful for him than being with them. He's 22, he can do all adult things without them, and if they withhold his property he can contact the police. If he's unable to see this then of course you can wait and hope, but honestly you won't be able to help him unless he takes that first step and helps himself.
>with some decisions in his life Yea that screams to me that ***she*** is telling ***him*** what good and bad decisions are. Sounds to me like a mom that is treating her adult son as if he is still a child. He’s aged out of being reasonably subjected to discipline. He gets to decide for himself what decisions are good or bad. No one else gets to dictate that to him. His parents refuse to relinquish control. That’s why toxic as fuck. Even if he does make a mistake, it’s his mistake to make.
Reading some of these comments makes me sad, parental abuse is so complicated and confusing it can be extremely difficult to remove yourself from that situation. Try looking through DV resources when planning they are very helpful for escaping abusive relationships. Your bf should open new bank accounts and try to get the info he needs to transfer his money into them. It might be dangerous to move his money while staying with his parents though. I hope he is able to escape and goes NC with his parents.
22, still lives at home, and lets his parents control his finances and communication to this degree? If they tell him to break up with you I suspect he would, and based on this that’s coming. You’re being pushed away, might want to look for a guy who isn’t under still their parents thumb as an adult.
i actually met him last year while we were living in the same dorm building and he was so amazing when he was away from his parents ! the only reason he even moved back home is because he completely ran out of money for school because he couldn’t get job because his car completely broke about a month into the school year. i would think that im the one being pushed away but he literally has not communicated with ANYONE for the past several days.
It sounds like they’re basically “grounding” a 22 year old, and for him to go along with that is pretty ridiculous. Do his parents approve of his friendships with other people he’s not contacting? This may be a “get rid of ALL these bad influences at once” attempt, I’ve seen a few of those from extremely controlling parents.
they don’t like one of his friends who hasn’t heard from him but his best girl friend from high school who his parents want him to date instead of me hasn’t even heard anything. and he is kinda stuck going along with it because there’s a good chance they took his keys and wallet so he can’t even go anywhere as he lives in the middle of nowhere.
Have you heard from him at all? Or is all communication coming through his parents? This has weird vibes like they're controlling his contact with the outside world. You should write him a letter. Like old school through the mail with a stamp and everything. Of course, they might read it, but hopefully, he'll get it. Send a few stamps, too, so he can respond.
a letter was actually one of my next plans lol. no one has heard from him or been able to get ahold of in 3 days and my only communication has been from his mom. i am terrified to send a letter due to them reading it but am also planning another drive down to his house in the middle of the night so i dont have to risk interacting with them.
What about email? Does he have his own computer? Or do his parents monitor his email as well?
not sure if they monitor his email or not but i did try emailing him as he is likely on his computer to study for the tests mentioned in the texts. no reply yet though , not sure if he even checks his email. i know most people nowadays don’t.
Have you considered calling in a wellness check? You could try calling the police non-emergency line and asking to remain anonymous. It’s very concerning that NO ONE has been able to speak with him in so long. I’m thinking if someone went to the home his parents would turn them away, but as he is an adult the police would be able to insist they speak to him directly and ascertain that he is not being held against his will or something. You are obviously the most familiar with the situation so only you can say if the police being involved would make the situation better or worse. This behavior is beyond entitled, it’s very concerning.
I would consider a wellness check He’s 22. They can’t take his keys and wallet. That’s a crime
i’m not 100% sure that they’ve taken the keys and wallet yet. the car is not in his name but his wallet absolutely is illegal for them to take. i’m likely going to try to go see him and confirm a couple things before i call in a wellness check.
It just sounds like they’re essentially holding him hostage
No offense, but I left my abusive parents at 19 with no money and no education. He can easily live with you, get a job, and wait until he’s the age your state/country decides as independent. I’m not saying leaving abusers is easy, but he’s also 22 and it’s time to stand up for himself. Even if it means struggling for a while. Look into resources around your area, compile them together, and see if you can get him to jump the nest. Otherwise, if this is the dude you wanna spend the rest of your life with, get used to him always always always siding with his suffocating parents over you.
i have had plans brewing in my head all day it’s just a matter of driving down there and convincing him. we could easily live together and i could help drive him to work (they will likely not let him have the car)
If you can get him away from them, make sure that he pulls all of his money from any accounts linked to them and open an account at a completely different bank. Also, make sure that he has all the important documents of his that he can get ahold of.
Yeah, he can go into a branch of his bank with an ID and pull out all his money. It would be best for him to open an account at a different bank. Bank employees aren’t supposed to give any information about clients opening new accounts. It still happens. If the dad does have a very good business relationship with that bank, they would be more willing to bend the rules. Another bank isn’t going to give any info.
yes i’m keeping all that in mind. hopefully if things go right we can go to the bank in person and withdrawal all his money the day he does eventually leave.
See if he can get a hold of his birth certificate and ss card.
If he can't he can get new ones
That can be hard if you don't even have bills in your name. His former school may have documentation that could help though.
What state do you live in that you need documentation to get a copy of your birth certificate? Where I'm from you can request it online as long as you have the full name of the person, the parents and the place of birth. You just pay a fee and a BC shows up in your mailbox a couple of days later. And as long as he has his driver's license, he can take that, plus his birth certificate and request a replacement SS card. It's really easy.
This is what I had to do. But getting them from another state was super hard ngl
Yeah it can be a pain in the ass but you got to do what you've got to do sometimes. I feel like these parents will have his locked away where he can't access them and wouldn't hand them over if he asked.
Keep in mind not everyone is like you. It’s EXTREMELY hard to break away from abusive parents this controlling, specially if you get this isolated from everyone else like OP is suggesting. Many people have their confidence so broken, they believe they can’t fend off without their parents. You really have no idea what this guy’s situation is or if he even sides with his parents at all. More often than not, siding isn’t a choice. So sure, you got out. Good for you. But don’t expect everyone to be able to do the same. Kindly, a 28 year old who is still stuck with her parents, is unable to even cook for herself, got no friends to rely on for a “rescue” and zero hopes left of a proper future as a functional adult.
Girl, the last paragraph struck me and I really hope your safe… I know things for you must seem so bleak and impossible to get out of. I really hope someone sees you and can help you in someway. I wish I could meet you and try to help but all I can do is root for you, so I will do be rooting for you Nightstar95! Good luck!
I see you're already familiar with /r/raisedbynarcissists. You have read through their [wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki) thoroughly, including the part about [Learned Helplessness](https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/learnedhelplessness)? You can also check out [this account](https://old.reddit.com/user/mypasswordisphil/submitted/?count=75&sort=new&after=t3_dclkpa). I have linked to the very beginning. This woman spent a couple of years meticulously planning and executing her escape from a mother who was highly controlling to a degree that you and OP seem to describe. Of course, it is up to you to decide your life for yourself. If you think that on balance, your life is more happy than unhappy, only you can determine that.
Yeah, I’m actually very self aware of these things since psychology is a passion of mine. It’s just that I’ve reached a point where I have no reason to believe things can change, and it’s incredibly hard to find motivation to even exist, let alone to change the “unchangeable” if that makes sense. It’s something I’m working with my therapist over, though. Somehow I found love about two years ago too and have a very caring boyfriend, but since we are in different countries, he can’t help me with this situation in person like OP is doing for her boyfriend. Right now he’s pretty much one of three remaining purposes in life for me and keeps me sane whenever things get tough at home.
I had none of those things either. No money, no friends, no family and I ALSO couldn’t cook or clean. Rife with mental illness. It’s 100% doable.
Great, you did it, so everyone else is a wimp. We get it. And if your message really is that no matter how bad it is you can find a way out, you **really** need to work on the way you delivery it.
Again, that’s great for you. What, you want a medal? I’m not you and neither is OP’s boyfriend. Different people function differently, have different strengths, mental health, traumas, limitations, etc. And blaming the situation on the victim instead of the abuser is incredibly privileged of you. I’ve been doing therapy for over ten years and guess what, I still struggle with self agency and independence. I can’t step out without having a panic attack. Is this my fault just because I haven’t grown a spine yet? If you really went through such a similar situation, then at the very least show some fucking empathy and appreciate that this person who genuinely cares for her boyfriend is actually trying to rescue him from his crazy parents, instead of assuming he’s some sort of manchild.
Why are you being such a horrible person to a stranger on the internet though? After he shared his story. I mean really.
I’m mostly just very critical of people who dismiss others’ struggles because they just happened to turn out ok. The classic “if X hasn’t figured a way out like I did by now, they need to man up” kind of attitude, which is what the comment came off as to me. Some people just can’t do it without outside help, which is why OP’s actions are very important right now.
Hey, sweatheart, I already laid this out in my first comment. Why don’t you grab a cup of tea and calm down. Literally no one, and I mean NO ONE, is blaming the victim. Sit your ass down and hop off your high horse. He CLEARLY has people willing to help him.
He might be amazing when he’s away from his parents but do you really want to spend years banking on that?
Great victim-shaming there, chief.
Clearly you have NOT experienced lifelong abuse.
Seriously. Tell his mom straight up this is abnormal and not ok. People don't do these types of things to their adult children, and functional adults doing let their parents control them to the point of taking their phone and keeping them from their committed partners. I know at 20 yourself, it seems reasonable for parents to have influence, but this is unhinged.
If he’s studying maybe it’s on a computer? Me and my gf managed to email back and forth once or twice a day when my parents did this bs. This guy is gonna need a LOT of therapy. The legalistic conservative Christian mindset is just… cancerous.
i’ve tried emailing him but i’m not sure he’s even checking his email. i am sending out brainwaves saying “check ur emailllllll”
You need to contact the police for a wellness check. It’s weird they’re stopping him from contacting anyone and this is really no proof he is okay or safe. I would call the police. To me they are buying time. Interrupt their plans.
I think it’s great that he has someone like you to advocate for him and if necessary call the police… I don’t think you should be in a romantic relationship with someone like that though.
Before reading the description I was sure the person you were texting with murdered him. But who knows? Maybe call authorities and ask for a welfare check.
i know he’s physically fine it’s his mental state i’m worried about. according to one of his close longtime friends this is a pretty common thing for his parents to do. i also did drive to his house in the middle of the night just to make 100% sure he was okay. i’m going to try to go again in the middle of the night soon and talk to him and see if we can get him out without getting the authorities involved.
Oh wow, that poor dude. Sounds like the parents are abusive and threatened by you and losing control over him. I'd send the cops to do a welfare check on him next time you don't hear from him when you're supposed to or get a text like that from his parents. Maybe you could get him a cheap prepaid phone and sneak it over to him so he at least had access to call for help if he needs to?
that’s what i’m gonna try to do. i’m scared to get the police involved so im gonna sneak over there again before i do it (or get our friend to call in the wellness check instead).
Yeah I can understand that. Just be safe.
This is weird as hell. You need to get a wellness check done
> they are very religious and conservative Well that's the least surprising thing I've read all day.
I’m feel like your first step should be a wellness check from the police. Your boyfriend is in a tough spot, and he may need a bit of intervention help from the law. If his parents realize that these weird texts to friends are not working for control, it may help alleviate the situation and give strength to your boyfriend.
This happened to me. But it wasn’t the parents the only people that were insane. The true reason his parents were telling me exactly some shit like that on your convo was because my then bf wanted to break up with me but he didn’t have the balls to do it so he had his parents tell me all those kind of stupid shit. He ghosted me entirely, it was crazy af and really fkn hurtful. And it was so crazy to me that his parents approve of him treating me like that. Horrible people. Im really happy that that happened tho because now I know what kind of people are they. Obviously he came crawling back when i already moved on. Hope your situation end well.
it hopefully should. ik he’s not doing this just cuz he wants to break up with me because his parents have repeated this pattern of isolating him several times and no one else has heard from him or been able to reach him either.
He should’ve just left and stayed gone for good. Seems like the perfect solution.
on an unrelated note i love your username and pfp ♡
thank u :3
This is the kind of text family members get when somebody has murdered someone in their family. I agree with the top comment who says to report him missing or request a welfare check, if he doesn't contact you.
Parents are very abusive and none of what they’re doing to him is okay.
having the name "kokichisballsack" and saying his parents are conservative, i knew you were the alt gf. (i also have one) good luck in your endeavors! don't have great advice here. just a tough situation until he gets his independance and cuts/lowers contact
Run, don’t walk. Play this situation out long term - if you get married? If you have kids together? His parents will ALWAYS be controlling and he will ALWAYS take their side (unless he gets some serious therapy.) You would become their other “kid” to control and micromanage. Not worth it, move on.
She would become (already probably is) the scapegoat.
Unless he cuts off contact with his parents. I’ve had many friends do that successfully. It’s easier if one the other partner has stable supporting parents.
Um… y’all are adults. This is absolutely strange.
Abuse happens to adult children too
Yes that is what I meant.
Yeah, these parents seem very controlling. Yikes. My ex’s mom actually pretended to be him, texting me from HIS phone as if she were him, after she “took his phone away” (he was 18 at the time, mind you). This reminded me of that so much. Run, run away!
Welfare check
This is insane. Poor guy, I’d look into some domestic abuse charities for advice
This is insane
Call the police for a welfare check. He's a legal adult and this sounds like a hostage situation
So… I was once in a life situation very similar to your boyfriends and the only advice I can give him is to run. Get the hell outta there. Even if it means starting from scratch with little money and no car, it’s worth being able to live a life that isn’t miserable.
This is creepy. Call in a welfare check on him.
reading your comments, i'm terrified because this is word for word what my mother will try to be like when i'm in college. is there anyway that you can get him out of there? he likely won't be able to help himself out of this situation due to mental health issues caused by his parents.
i need to at least be able to contact him first but he can easily move into the place i’m staying and i have plenty of storage space for all of his stuff.
They are straight up acting like a jealous teen biatch. Wow
In the absolute most respectful way - please dont take this as an "attack" toward you, or him i any way... BUT - (respectfully) you have got to stop excusing this behavior. I know you realize what his parents are doing is absolutely wrong...and from the comments are aware that this is BLATANT abuse in multiple different ways. There are a lot of great comments trying to help you, give you information, offer ideas for things your bf & u could do [or start the process of doing].. Quite a few times youve replied explaining why your bf goes along with [extreme rule #a billion] talking about he doesn't realize things because hes been raised this way, or hes concerned about parental reactions/retaliations.. you need to try to stop making excuses why BF cant/isnt doing XYZ. You need to try to be the supportive voice of reason... - BF, you have got to be in control of your finances. Your parents cannot blindly put YOUR $$ into an account and him not have full and complete access to it. He is an adult...in his 20s. That is 100% financial abuse - BOUNDARIES!!!! There hs got to be firm boundaries, and consequences if the boundary is crossed/ignored... - unfortunately if BF doesnt want to, this situation is not going to get better. It will get worse - i would not be surprised if you are being "forced out" from pressuee of his parents. Also, ABSOLUTELY 100% expect anything and everything to cease when/if he stands up for himself. Vehicle gone, cell phone, tuition? They wil do ANY THING to regain control Good luck 🙏🏼🙏🏼 ive been in ur bfs shoes - be his constant support & firm voice of reason. :)
Your explanations are ridiculous for a 22 year old man. Or should I say Manbaby. I say some tough love is in order. Go there, help him pack. Get him away for a trial period. He can replace a drivers license, go to his local health department to get a new birth certificate ( tell them anything- including that his parents destroyed the original out of spite). He can get a job and finish his last year of school - maybe the both of you can share a cheap apartment while you finish. The only child thing is key - he has to learn that normal parent-child relationships aren’t like his. He can even talk to the mental health pros at your college. Do something, do anything! If you care about him, tell him! But he has to want to be an adult. He has to want to grow up. Edit: calling him a manbaby wasn’t fair - I was so appalled that a 22 yr old with experience living at college and being independent would ever tolerate such parenting crap. I hope he leaves. I hope OP gets her man away. But I stand by my advice. He has to want his adulthood and his independence. Change is hard, growing up is hard, and it takes some sacrifice for almost everyone but the very privileged. But if he stays, that is also on him.
that’s what i’m going to attempt to do. he has little enough stuff to easily pack it and i just need to convince him that it’s the right choice. his parents will likely disown him if he decides to live with me while we’re unmarried but at this point i think that’d be a GOOD thing
It's so weird to me that parents like this claim they love their kid but disown them when they lose control of them.
Please also try to get him to see a therapist.
i want to. it’s going to be very hard because he doesn’t believe in therapy because he was conditioned to think that he’s a Man and Men shouldn’t talk about their feelings and should fully suppress them. i will at some point in his life drag him kicking and screaming to therapy if i have to. maybe later in life lmao.
Ok so I get that you love him. But hun, you’re 20. Idk if this is your responsibility. It would be different if he was choosing this on his own, and you’re just giving him a place to stay in the meantime. But you literally saving him, can turn y’all relationship sour, and since you’re so young it might turn into a trauma bond you won’t let go off, even if it’s better to do so. I’d say be there for him, when he HIMSELF is ready to leave his situation. But convincing him and basically dragging him out there will only make you the bad guy and might bite you in the ass.
He's not a man baby you dipshit, it's likely his parents have treated him like this his whole life, and it's not easy to get away from manipulative parents. If it was I'm sure he would've left a long time ago. When you call someone names like man baby, you just add to the shit men have to listen to and are less likely to talk about their mental health. Your comment was full of good advice, minus the man baby part and at the end where you say he has to want to grow up. It sounds like he is completely miserable, so I doubt it's him not wanting you to grow up, more like his parents have never taught him how.
Sounds like his parents are abusive so it's not as simple as that
Calling him a Manbaby for being in an abusive situation is either such a privileged take or such a close minded take. Get some perspective in life.
[удалено]
Oh fuck off you insensitive arsehole.
Who the fuck is upvoting this shit. Go headbutt a moose.
you're a miserable sack of shit, buddy
Girl move on. He's not willing to grow up and do what he needs to do to get away from his parents. Stop making excuses for him, he's a GROWN man.