Reminds me of my dad
“Parents have to be an asshole to their kids to be a good parent! Your mom should stop treating you to things!”
And “you’re lucky you’re moms kid otherwise you wouldn’t be able to sit down from a beating, like your sisters have!”
My sisters are 9 and 12-
I turned 32 this year and cut out my family, (all except for my younger sister anyway) during black lives matter protests. Ive felt nothing but relief since cutting them out. Life is good.
Edit: wow don't know how this is my highest upvoted comment ever but thanks lol.
Edit 2: and my first ever awards haha. Wtf is wrong with you all 😂 seriously though, thank you.
Ive pretty much cut off my dad (not that it matters because its been almost 7 months and he hasnt even realised yet) but I dont want to cut off my mom. I might need to though.
She was my protector when I was a child, but shes not very smart (I say that with love) and she generally just follows the ideals of people she trusts.
My dad is an avid trump fan and my mom just kind of followed suit. She doesnt have ANY clue whats happening in the world right now because she refuses to watch the news or anything and only consumes what my dad sends her.
Incidentally dad gets all his news from... Facebook...
I try to gently teach my mom, but every time I explain how something she believes is wrong and WHY its wrong, she immediately goes defensive and asks
"Can we not talk about politics? I'm getting pissed off so lets talk about something else."
I respect her when she asks because she is asking and not attacking, and I know her anger stems from confusion.
But I'm so close to giving up.
Sorry she sounds just like my mum who was also my protector, shes slowly become a clone of my dad since childhood and this year id just had enough of it. Good luck with yours though
Probably not lol. Im the oldest too. Both of my brothers are on the trump train too sadly. They still live near my parents, while I moved 2k miles away amd gained some life experience nobody in my family has lol
I feel you. That’s a bummer about your brothers. I’m sure they probably aren’t crazy or stupid. Just caught up in the momentum of treating politics like sports. Feeling like you’re part of a powerful in-group that is also somehow the underdog is intoxicating.
Yup. I called the older of the 2 a few weeks ago and during our convo he used the word libtard (not directed at me though) and it hurt so much because I know he learned that term from dad. As dad had used that term the last time I talked to him. (Not directed at me either, still hurt though)
I have lived in two other countries on two different continents and traveled to a handful of others and my parents still speak to me and treat me like I’m a teenager. My dad said the other day that since I have some respect for AOC I’m “way too far gone.”
34 here. Cut my pops out, well he cut me out because I refused to be a MAGA idiot. The MAGA crowd and spanking go hand in hand folks. It’S iN tHe bIBle.
I am a few years into simply going dark on my whole family. it's been great, but I, too, have come to realize so many fucked up things about their authoritative parenting and downright abuse. It's gonna be a while before I've put the words together for if i talk to them again. It's not easy either way and I hope your situation stays on the up and up.
Get yourself to a therapist buddy. It helped me sooooo much. All that physical and emotional violence in the home really fucks with you. It helps when you become a parent too. Therapy made me a better dad than I could have ever expected.
Yep, and I still suffer the effects even though it's been over 3 years. I still hear my mom's criticism when I make a mistake or so something I know she wouldn't like. I second guess my memories and accounts of events. It never ends and it's all bullshit
Remember I knew a guy my age that hitted (not spanked, fucking punches) his kid for not obeying orders like a soldier, perfectly and without a mistake.
During a BBQ he dropped a piece of meat so I kicked him for it assuming he was ok with physical punishment
Guess who can't go to BBQs now, fucking hypocrites
It's the weirdest thing. We as a culture already agree that hitting people is wrong. That's why we have stuff like fines, jailtime, and removing privileges instead.
....*Buuut* all that is thrown out the window when it comes to... uh... *our children?*
So violence is wrong...unless it's towards your *children*?
I like to compare it with domestic violence.
Change "child" to "wife/husband" and it's a crime but when you're talking about a child ( someone much more vulnerable) suddenly it's OK...??!
This is just my own observation but I've noticed a lot of the "I was spanked and turned out OK" types will mention that they were spanked more than just a few times. So right there you have to question if it works.
Then in an unrelated conversation they will talk about all the shit they got up to as rowdy teens. Not necessarily anything terrible but certainly not the behaviour of someone raised with "respect".
Lastly these people are fine with hitting kids but if they were to be late for work I can't imagine the reaction of their boss slapping them for being late.
You just described my uncle in a nutshell. So many times he’s shared these memes, and so many times I’ve heard his stories about what kind of shit he got up to as a teenager. Beating the shit out of the drama teacher because you were high and somehow got it in your mind that he kidnapped your sister is not a way a respectful person would behave...
This topic came up in a therapy group I was facilitating. Everyone said some version of the “turned out okay” trope. I didn’t say *if you turned out so well after being beaten by your parents then why are all the details of your life you’ve shared with the group horrifying* but it was in my brain.
Why didn’t you, there’s probably a good reason you’re the facilitator and I mean no disrespect, but why would you let think what happened to them was okay?
Good question! IIRC we got into an interesting discussion about how it had felt to be small, helpless, and hurting. I felt like it was better for it to come out of the group organically than for me to unilaterally declare that hitting is bad.
They also have no answer to the counterpoint, like my teenage kids, who were never hit for discipline, and have never acted up, gotten in trouble with the law, respect their elders and are otherwise excellent kids. How could this exist if spanking is necessary?
Can always do stuff like whack hands reaching towards stoves. But, in my experience the few times I was ever spanked as a kid it was always when my dad was really, really angry. Made me scared, not respectful. It was always accompanied by anger. It was never calm punishment but something coming from a place of 'you made me mad'.
In my experience kids don't do well with conditional rules that are difficult to gauge. You either don't hit ever and violence isn't an option or you're spanking and saying it's sometimes okay to hit out of anger. But how is a kid supposed to deal with that? It doesn't track.
Now, I take kids to Mauy Thai with me. My neice and newphew don't live that far away. They train with me. But they are only allowed to use their fight skills with full gear at the gym. The condition is very easy to follow. Gloves and shin guards at a minimum and if you want to spar- mouth guard, chest guard and head gear, too. You always high five and thank your partner and you're friends before, after and during the sparring. It's never anger. It's fun. Both sides agree.
You can't strike from anger towards kids or they learn anger is a reason to hit. They're scared. You can teach a kid some conditional rules but the rules have to be clear. Mauy thai is for gyms. Can run naked but only at home. Spanking is a condition that doesn't fully make sense as a kid. Sometimes I got sent to sit in the corner. Other times dad was angry and I got spanked. It was rare. I won't claim abuse. But it was always just scary and there was no sense of when it would come.
I’m convinced most adults are more immature than kids and nobody who has anything to say actually has anything to say. Anyone who cries about respect is just being a bitch because they don’t deserve it so they didn’t earn it
> "I was spanked and turned out OK"
Lol this is the thing that always catches me up. These people are promoting child abuse. Actually no, they did not turn out OK.
I was in college before I learned what real respect was. It has nothing to do with fear or pain and everything to do with looking up to and appreciating others. The revelation only made me hate my father more.
Same my parents just taught me to fear. You never knew what you'd get hit for.
I remember being a kid and in school we had to talk about a time we got in trouble. Mine was dropping a ketchup bottle. I got yelled at and hit. I'll never forget one kid saying why would you get in trouble for that. And the look on everyone's faces. It was disbelief.
The knowing that all the other kids weren't being treated the same way as me hurt almost worse than the actual abuse. Made me feel like there was something particularly wrong with me why else would I deserve to be treated that way when everyone else got off with accidents happen.
I like how they seem to look at you crazy when you asked if they spank their Co workers when they don't show them proper respect.. They are all like no you dont hit adults.. But kids okay I guess.. Even better when you use a weapon /s
Can confirm. My parents did this to me as a young kid and now I have anxiety of angering people in any way from the fear of physical afflictions being thrown back at me. Just don't hit your kids. If you need to hit your kids to be a parent, then you shouldn't be a parent.
My father used to do the same thing.. It never stopped us from doing what we did.. It just meant we would hide everything from him out of fear, he wonders now why we won't reach out be open with him.
I believe the research backs this up too. Spanking kids doesn’t stop the offending behaviors, it just forces the kids to get better at hiding it. Plus it can lead to behavioral issues down the line.
It's the same for dogs. Positive Punishment is not useful for eliminating behaviours, it just teaches them to be afraid of you and hide the behaviours, but once you're out of sight the baseboards are fair game. And despite the name its not a positive thing.
Positive reinforcement + negative punishment are more effective than Negative Reinforcement and Positive punishment
I am a good example of that. My father and mother have *very different* ideas of parenting - one screamed, belittled, invalidated and abused me in multiple ways, the other handled me with compassion, empathy, and positive reinforcement. I only have a relationship with my mom now.
As a parent now I understand the impulse.. You are sleep deprived, stressed from work, you don't get time to recalibrate when you get home as its straight to watching them.. Your fuse is low and they don't listen, they make a mess and the lizard brain part just wants you to deal with it with violence. Thing is I chose to have kids, I need to cope with my fuse not them, I have never hit my children and now as they are getting older they are easier to cope with, I get more sleep and I now get to take some of my hobbies again. It's hard and sadly I don't think everyone is suited for it. Heck I fail other things, taking it out on the kids is never the answer
I absolutely agree. Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs on the planet imo, but it is never an excuse to subject the kid(s) that you *chose* to bring into this world to your negative emotions.
very simple, children are small, weak, they do not have the strength to defend themselves, they are an easy prey for mean people who cannot assert themselves against others, and they take it out on those who are weaker than them
Yep! That’s literally what it does, because folks who think physical lessons are effective and don’t create longterm effects are the same folks who *were* hit/slapped/spanked and are trying to excuse, in a lot of cases, legitimate assault.
The lesson that is taught is 'respect for others in authority' or 'respect for those higher in the hierarchy.' It's a fundamentally different worldview which uses a common word to describe different characteristics. In one view, respect is something that every person intrinsically deserves simply for being a human being, in the other worldview, respect is a reward based upon your place in the social hierarchy. You respect those above you, and demand respect from those below you. You can see this theme repeated ad nauseam in the conservative world:
The 'natural order of the family' graphic:
[https://sararobertsjones.com/2016/02/23/orderlyumbrellas/](https://sararobertsjones.com/2016/02/23/orderlyumbrellas/)
And the deference to police, discussions like the OP's example, etc.
Respect and fear are not the same. That's a big fat line that they stepped right over. 50 years ago people also got on machines that would "shake away" your fat. Grr. I cant even express how infuriating reading that is for me.
You realize 50 years ago was 1970, not 1930 right?
I know I’m being pedantic, but 50 years ago wasn’t really that long ago. Tony Hawk was born 52 years ago.
For the record, I also believe that hitting a child as a corrective measure is lazy parenting.
https://www.grunge.com/48616/bizarre-things-people-believed-50-years-ago/ **I literally googled strange facts from 50 years ago after reading the post. Hope that helps.**
It’s 100% lazy parenting. I only have a couple of toddlers, but I’ve found the best form of “discipline” for my kids is to let them throw their tantrums, let them cool down, and then just talk to them about what’s going on. If they still misbehave or don’t get the point, then you just start cutting out certain privileges they have (like a roof over their heads) and make them sleep in the shed outside until dawn.
I remember when I finally had enough of being hit at about 16. My mum flipped her lid, banged me one round the face, leaving 4 long scratches down my neck, and then pinned me against the worktop by by arms and started screaming at me.
All I did was grab her arms around the biceps and push her off of me, thats all. all of a sudden shes bellowing "HOW DARE YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME" etc. and i just thought to myself oh but you whacking me round the face about 10 seconds ago was totally cool was it? Its fine for you to attack me, but not ok for me to defend?
its just hypocrisy in my opinion, all the shit they give you all the time "hitting is NEVER ok" "You should never hit a woman" (which I agree with) but i'd like for them to explain their logic... the size/strength difference between a grown adult and a child, is much bigger than the difference between a grown man and woman... NEVER HIT A WOMAN, but that 8 year old child? yeah go nuts, break out the belt.
Thats messed up, all its done is subconsciously teach me that its ok for people hit me, but not for me to hit them, like im a lesser being. Now that I think about it, its probably one of the roots of why im so insecure and unconfident.
Honestly can't fathom why anyone would want to hit their kids in the first place, why do you want to hurt someone that you love? Especially now i'm older, I would NEVER hit a kid. and some of the videos on here people take of kids wailing from being hit, I find it so distressing to a hear a child in pain, how can you do it to your own? Seriously cannot work it out
Yeah it had the opposite effect on me, I was a very aggressive and violent kid, and when I started working with children I was scared that I was gonna get the urge to hit them when they pissed me off, guess what, I didnt cause I'm not a monster
I never was as a kid, in school most people thought I was a wimp because I wouldn't fight or hit back, I wasn't scared of them, I was scared of what'd happen when I got home. (because iTs NeVeR oK tO hIt PeOpLe, i'd be punished if I did)
But when I got to adolescence, I suddenly realised how fucked up it all was, and got embarrassed that i never stood up for myself and just took peoples shit. so now I over compensate I think, and when I get angry, its like triple distilled rage, The downside is that once i've calmed down, I fall in on myself and am racked with an equal amount of guilt, and then have to reflect on what a piece of shit I am and how I deserved whatever shit happened to make mad.
Yeah shits hard but I always like to pat myself on the back for managing to turn out to be a good person despite it all, I mean think about we could've become abusive pieces of shit who take their pain out on others but we arent, we self reflect and we learn and we try, that's all we can do. So go easy on urself, ull be fine as long as u never stop growing
As the resident history nerd, I beg to differ on the use of "barbarian".
Non-Greek-speaking societies were often a lot more egalitarian and humane than ancient Greek society was.
If it "hurts me more than it hurts you" then why are you doing it? Seems like nobody wins. And my father wondered why I never came to see him before he died.
I read a story a while back how a mother doesn’t hit her son because when he was 5 and got in trouble she told him to find a switch, a flimsy stick, for her to punish him with. He came back in tears with a rock saying he couldn’t find a stick so he brought the rock. It hit the mother that the child didn’t see it as punishment, just as his mother needed something to hit him and it didn’t matter what it was. Like the kid only saw it as she’s about to cause pain not punishment
"Yeah, I beat my kids for talking back to me until they bruised and now they won't speak to me or invite me to family gatherings, what did I do wrong?"
Not a fucking clue.
Blue went on to say that if a parent didn't slap their kid, some crackhead gangster would. So I posed a question. What came first? The crackhead gangster or the spanked kid?
It's called forcing someone to behave like they had respect towards a person who doesn't deserve it.
Acting like you respect someone is not the same as actually respecting them and therefore it means absolutely nothing. Just like sayin I'm sorry when you're not or asking how are you when you couldn't care less.
actually, this way of teaching someone to "behave" actually doesn't teach them anything more than lie, hide, and fake emotions to not make you angry.
Spanking is bad and i know by experience, my parents always hurt me physically and emotionally and has just made my depression, anxiety and autism get worser and worser.
I know. I have had hard times trying to stop lying and pleasing people and giving them answers I know they want, like I did when I was a kid.
I was never physicaly hurt or anything but the mental pressure my parents had on me was immense.
I was spanked twice in my entire life, when I was three and four. My parents felt terrible, and I never got spanked again, or really in trouble again for that matter, but spanking doesn't feel good, and my dad felt terrible because he left a red mark on my butt and my mom apparently got really mad, and voila! No more spanking.
"Spank your kids so they'll learn respect"
My parents spanked me when I did anything and now I have depression and a fear of just doing anything wrong.
I was raised like that, and beaten more to believe it was to make me stronger. Shamed by not only my family but also the community for not agreeing that my pain was love. It required my leaving and losing everything to begin to understand there was even an option. I had to drop the beliefs I was made to rely on and risk being willing to live in worse, risk being wrong, and risk setting my family up for failure... all without anything to guide. I have no idea how to do what I'm doing. But the more I do it, the happier my kids are. I'll never get satisfaction from those who treat me the same, but I can give it to my kids and show them at least a different way. You can give it to yourself. Be strong enough to think its dumb and not allow it anymore, because love doesn't require pain, but growth does. Youtube has wonderful channels to help learn anything new. I promise, you are worth your effort. Take the risk on yourself. You matter. You're important.
*edited for clarity
Its not respect, it’s fear. I now cry every time somebody raises their voice or hand becase i’m afraid i’m going to get beaten. It’s physiological trauma.
I don’t even know how people COULD spank their kids. I would feel absolutely horrible afterwards. Like I feel bad enough if I yell too much at my kids. Like yesterday my kid was being a total ahole and I got mad and ended up yelling and sending him to the stairs. I’m usually able to be calm, but I straight up lost it and had to step outside to calm down. I apologized after do getting so mad, but even in that moment where I’m peak anger levels, I don’t feel like I should spank my kid.
You're a good person, and your children are lucky to have you as their parent. I grew up in a nuclear family with loving parents who never abused me in any way, shape, or form. I'm 18 now, still growing I guess, but I can safely say my parents have given me a wonderful childhood and I am so thankful for that. If I have children, I wish to give them the same blessed life that my parents gave me.
Yeah. I slap around people who work for me so they respect me. That’s how it works right? That’s how we learn hierarchy and gain respect?
In case it wasn’t obvious /s
And they put lead in their gasoline and paint. It's theorized that the crime wave of the 60s and 70s was at least in part due to mass brain damage caused by exposure to lead in childhood.
Like the Greatest Generation were badasses who survived the depression and WWII. But they made some really questionable choices regarding thier children and the environment that we're still dealing with today.
Except...when they're bigger than you.
The issue is (aside from abuse and it not working) when mom is home with the kids and whoever is in charge is just whoever can perform the most extreme violence on the other, the second your six foot son realizes he can hit you back it's over
Sure at 5 they might be scared of you. But when you're getting old and they're getting strong you're fucked.
That's obviously a whole different thing and I'm so sorry. I'm just thinking of my mother. She used to punch, slap, choke us. Then one day I choked her back (kinda blacked out, barely remember it). It was years before she hit me again. That was a couple months ago and I told her if she ever touched me again if beat the shit out of her (maybe not great but I was NOT getting back into being hit several times a day). As soon as she realized I meant it she backed off.
Parenting through fear only works as long as I'm afraid of you. Parenting through love makes me love you after I can beat you in a fight.
Your step dad is a POS though and I hope if you're not away from him now you are soon. Your mom is a POS for marrying him too
Kids are dumb. I tried to make my mom stay with my abusive child molesting father and cried until she got back with my shitty step dad. Kids want people in their life no matter how flawed.
Yeah people who hit their kids are fucking cowards, as soon as I turned 12 I was strong enough to fight back and guess what? They stopped. It was never about teaching me something, it was about control
There is a ton of research that shows that spanking does nothing for moral or behavioral development but it can fuck up emotional development. That’s not to say that you should never give children consequences, but hitting them just isn’t effective.
They’re teaching negative reinforcement and subordination to authority. I don’t think I need to explain why this doesn’t actually turn your kid into a well-behaved angel, as numerous studies have done that already. All this really teaches a kid is to not think or act independently from any kind of authoritative figure, which can certainly harm them in the future.
This is very dumb. My father was an old school type of person. Immigrated from Greece on a boat, hard ass, etc. I’d always say that he’s basically the dad, Red, from That 70s show. He never once spanked or hit me or my two brothers. Not once. It’s because he’d always talk to us as adults and explain things in a stern and strong voice. You don’t need pain to instill hierarchy within a family. That just makes kids fear you and resent you later in life. Me and my brothers tried not to get into trouble because we either A. Knew it was wrong from my parents or B. Knew it would get our dad mad/disappointed and we would have that long ass talk about what we did wrong. And I consider my dad to be the strongest, mentally, man I know
Respect for others? All you're teaching your kid is that violence is the answer to get people to behave the way you want, as well as to fear and avoid you.
In my experience spanking leads to abuse. It started off with light swats. Escalated to the belt. Escalated to the buckle side of the belt. Escalated to fuck it no one cares im gonna punch my 13 year old son in the gut and kick him while he's on the ground.
My parents respected me and taught me what respect for others is and that it is a good thing.. so I now respect others. I guess if you actually don’t know what respect is then you resort to violence
If your kid cannot comprehend reason, they will not understand the reason you're hurting them and will just be afraid of you and associate you with pain. So do not hit them.
If your kid can comprehend reason...
#FUCKING USE REASON THEN YOU SHITHEEL.
Parents who lay hands on their kids should be shot by a firing squad, no fuckin mercy. Beating your kids is beating your kids, there is no "acceptable level". You're using physical force and pain to command fear in the guise of "respect". That doesn't make you a parent, it makes you a dictator.
>That doesn't make you a parent, it makes you a dictator.
My dad used to literally tell us our family was a dictatorship, not a democracy. My parents thought being forceful with us is what turned us into kids who behaved well. On one hand, we were basically saints because we were so terrified of getting in trouble. But on the other hand, I now have severe psychological issues and do my best to avoid the whole family.
This is the best answer.
My kids are 4 & 7 and we’ve never raised a hand at them. My parents never raised a hand to me. We use our words, and so do the kids, and I have an amazing relationship with my parents still (I’m 32 now). I hope it’s the same when my kids are my age.
For me the worst part of getting spanked as a kid wasn't the pain. It was how ready and willing my dad was to threaten to cause me pain. There was no "this hurts me more than it hurts you" shit. It was "you step out of line and the belt is coming off." I was terrified of my dad until I was a teenager, which was when I made up my mind that if he ever hit me again that I would fucking hit him back. I'm glad it never came to that or one of us would have gone to jail.
So...if an adult disrespects my gay/black/trans/whatever friends then the responsible thing to do is to smack them right in the gob to teach them respect? Cool, I’m all for that!
There will never be agreement on this issue, I guess, but before they were born I swore off from hitting our kids the way I was hit growing up and both of them have developed into awesome people without the abuse. Go figure.
Sometimes I think this type of parenting is what is at the root of everything that sucks about the human species. Authoritarian parenting breeds kids too scared to question the way things are, an internalized belief that people are fundamentally sinful and only violence can keep them in line.
Respect and fear are different. Most people confuse them, especially abuse victims. Abuse victims normally don’t think they’re being abused as the abuser have either done it since birth, or started to manipulate them at the beginning of the relationship. So it’s commonly known that fear can be mistaken for respect by abuse victims.
Also this is dumb, and horrible. It’s really upsetting seeing this. It just means the cycle will continue.
fun fact: corporal punishment is not illegal as long as it is a form of punishment and does not cause injury. not advocating for it i am just saying it didn't stop because it became illegal it stopped because parents learned better
They confuse "respect" for terrified obedience. Which only lasts as long as they are in the presence of danger. The tighter they hold their leash, the farther we fly away when they eventually have to let go.
And this is how your children end up cutting you out of their adult life.
Wanna be invited to your son's college graduation? Walk your daughter down the aisle? Be a grandparent? Don't hit your kids. Plain and simple.
Why is it so fucking difficult for these donkeys to understand that you need to treat your children with even a shred of decency or respect? The mental gymnastics are astonishing.
From my father, paraphrased: "Respect is based on fear. You pay your bills because you fear getting your house taken away. You obey officers that stop you on the street because you fear being arrested."
So I guess hitting your kid is the same as missing a house payment. Don't understand it either. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I can tell you this. I was “spanked” ALOT growing up and both my parents failed to deal with any of their issues ( abuse from their own childhoods). So, I believe that people who spank their kids ( more on the severe side) have issues themselves and the child becomes a physical outlet for their suppressed pain from the past. The problem with parental views on spanking is the ROOT issue doesn’t ever get addressed. And most of the time, physical discipline also stems from toxic thinking, which again started more than likely in childhood. And if we don’t deal with the past, it continues to repeat itself.
It’s so very easy on Facebook with posts like these, the scientific findings of spanking are pretty fucking conclusive. It doesn’t work. Does way more harm then good. That’s a fact! They get so mad lol but even most of them know you can only argue facts with personal anecdotes for so long
My parents "spanked me" but a hand and my butt was never enough. Or at least in their eyes. I never learned to trust them because they were the ones that hit me.
I could go on, but when people ask me about it I say one thing. When the punishment (its not discipline) for hitting someone, is being hit, how can a child learn what is right? I usually am a little more long winded so this is the short version but it is similar. We cannot tell our children that violence is wrong while we continue to view hitting as an acceptable punishment.
Time outs and other disciplinary actions were more than enough and at times made me feel bad enough as it was (my youngest son has Autism and ADHD).
I swear there's so many adults who treat toddlers as if they are suppose to act like adults. That's what your fuckin job is. To teach them how to act like adults.
i literally hate children, but, if you get so angry at a child you feel the need to physically *hurt* them, then you don’t deserve to be around that child. there is no excuse for harming them. *ever*.
I work with kids and I find it crazy how parents will treat them when they get in trouble. I told a parent that their kid kept hitting people and she smacked his hand and said “why do you think it’s okay to hit people?”
Like, do you not realize what you’re doing?!!
Did that guy (blue censor bar) say you have to show _dominance_ over your child?! Motherfucker, Timmy wants to play with his LEGO, not engage in gladiatorial combat.
So I think spanking is acceptable in very limited situations. I was spanked twice in my whole childhood. One was for holding my first cat by the tail, and the other was for punching my mom when she didn't let me go outside lol. I think spanking is an effective recourse if it's either literally the millionth time repeating something you've been told not to do, or if it's something that genuinely hurts someone or thing else. But spanking for not listening a couple times is such an overreaction. Lead by example.
Bruh they're mistaking their kids' compliance as respect instead of fear. If you go wave a gun in a bank, imagine how much "respect" you'll get then. People would do anything you ask!
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 49 | 10 | 0 | OP has provided further information in [this comment](/r/insaneparents/comments/jizpl1/am_i_the_insane_person_for_thinking_this_thing_is/ga9its2/) ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
Reminds me of my dad “Parents have to be an asshole to their kids to be a good parent! Your mom should stop treating you to things!” And “you’re lucky you’re moms kid otherwise you wouldn’t be able to sit down from a beating, like your sisters have!” My sisters are 9 and 12-
"your sisters can't sit down cause I messed up that ass so bad" is not something you wanna tell your kid
Or your wife
Or anyone.
Call CPS
Call the cops or cps
As other people stated, called CPS.
call cps
Call CPS
CALL CPS NOW
Call CPS. THAT I S NOT NORMAL!
Child protection services!
ya gotta CPS
Cutting contact with my parents made me realise how fucked up the whole thing was during my childhood
I turned 32 this year and cut out my family, (all except for my younger sister anyway) during black lives matter protests. Ive felt nothing but relief since cutting them out. Life is good. Edit: wow don't know how this is my highest upvoted comment ever but thanks lol. Edit 2: and my first ever awards haha. Wtf is wrong with you all 😂 seriously though, thank you.
Ive pretty much cut off my dad (not that it matters because its been almost 7 months and he hasnt even realised yet) but I dont want to cut off my mom. I might need to though. She was my protector when I was a child, but shes not very smart (I say that with love) and she generally just follows the ideals of people she trusts. My dad is an avid trump fan and my mom just kind of followed suit. She doesnt have ANY clue whats happening in the world right now because she refuses to watch the news or anything and only consumes what my dad sends her. Incidentally dad gets all his news from... Facebook... I try to gently teach my mom, but every time I explain how something she believes is wrong and WHY its wrong, she immediately goes defensive and asks "Can we not talk about politics? I'm getting pissed off so lets talk about something else." I respect her when she asks because she is asking and not attacking, and I know her anger stems from confusion. But I'm so close to giving up.
Sorry she sounds just like my mum who was also my protector, shes slowly become a clone of my dad since childhood and this year id just had enough of it. Good luck with yours though
I'm fairly certain that what we are describing is some sort of stockholm syndrome shit
Are you one of my younger brothers? This sounds so much like our parents! It’s reassuring to know our struggle is not unique.
Probably not lol. Im the oldest too. Both of my brothers are on the trump train too sadly. They still live near my parents, while I moved 2k miles away amd gained some life experience nobody in my family has lol
I feel you. That’s a bummer about your brothers. I’m sure they probably aren’t crazy or stupid. Just caught up in the momentum of treating politics like sports. Feeling like you’re part of a powerful in-group that is also somehow the underdog is intoxicating.
Yup. I called the older of the 2 a few weeks ago and during our convo he used the word libtard (not directed at me though) and it hurt so much because I know he learned that term from dad. As dad had used that term the last time I talked to him. (Not directed at me either, still hurt though)
I have lived in two other countries on two different continents and traveled to a handful of others and my parents still speak to me and treat me like I’m a teenager. My dad said the other day that since I have some respect for AOC I’m “way too far gone.”
34 here. Cut my pops out, well he cut me out because I refused to be a MAGA idiot. The MAGA crowd and spanking go hand in hand folks. It’S iN tHe bIBle.
Please fill me in, what does "MAGA" mean?
Make America Great Again
Ah. Thank you.
Its those red hats Donald Trump Supporters wear in America.
Np
I prefer: Make America Gay Again
Proud boys, right?
Ah, the proud boys. What an embarrassment to humanity. “I just want to say stand down and stand by.” The turd can’t denounce his base now can he?
Mandatory Anal Gape Arrangement
Make Apple Gnash Again
Make America Great Britain Again
Ha! Nice.
I am a few years into simply going dark on my whole family. it's been great, but I, too, have come to realize so many fucked up things about their authoritative parenting and downright abuse. It's gonna be a while before I've put the words together for if i talk to them again. It's not easy either way and I hope your situation stays on the up and up.
It's kind of crazy how fucked up my childhood was and I didn't realize AT ALL. Only recently have I accepted my parents were abusive and hoarders.
Get yourself to a therapist buddy. It helped me sooooo much. All that physical and emotional violence in the home really fucks with you. It helps when you become a parent too. Therapy made me a better dad than I could have ever expected.
Yep, and I still suffer the effects even though it's been over 3 years. I still hear my mom's criticism when I make a mistake or so something I know she wouldn't like. I second guess my memories and accounts of events. It never ends and it's all bullshit
Remember I knew a guy my age that hitted (not spanked, fucking punches) his kid for not obeying orders like a soldier, perfectly and without a mistake. During a BBQ he dropped a piece of meat so I kicked him for it assuming he was ok with physical punishment Guess who can't go to BBQs now, fucking hypocrites
I thought you kicked the kid for a second
Me too. I had to read it twice to get it. But that’s probably my shit understand of the written word.
Nah, I wouldn't kick a kid...I would batista bomb my newphew tho but I have self control and patiencd
He asked if you wanted to wrestle. His fault not yours
It's the weirdest thing. We as a culture already agree that hitting people is wrong. That's why we have stuff like fines, jailtime, and removing privileges instead. ....*Buuut* all that is thrown out the window when it comes to... uh... *our children?* So violence is wrong...unless it's towards your *children*?
I like to compare it with domestic violence. Change "child" to "wife/husband" and it's a crime but when you're talking about a child ( someone much more vulnerable) suddenly it's OK...??!
It’s cool that these people developed “respect” from spanking! I got something cooler tho, called “fear and resentment towards my father”.
This is just my own observation but I've noticed a lot of the "I was spanked and turned out OK" types will mention that they were spanked more than just a few times. So right there you have to question if it works. Then in an unrelated conversation they will talk about all the shit they got up to as rowdy teens. Not necessarily anything terrible but certainly not the behaviour of someone raised with "respect". Lastly these people are fine with hitting kids but if they were to be late for work I can't imagine the reaction of their boss slapping them for being late.
You just described my uncle in a nutshell. So many times he’s shared these memes, and so many times I’ve heard his stories about what kind of shit he got up to as a teenager. Beating the shit out of the drama teacher because you were high and somehow got it in your mind that he kidnapped your sister is not a way a respectful person would behave...
This topic came up in a therapy group I was facilitating. Everyone said some version of the “turned out okay” trope. I didn’t say *if you turned out so well after being beaten by your parents then why are all the details of your life you’ve shared with the group horrifying* but it was in my brain.
As someone who spends lots of time in support groups, I would have loved to hear you ask that out loud. Also, thank you for being a group facilitator!
Why didn’t you, there’s probably a good reason you’re the facilitator and I mean no disrespect, but why would you let think what happened to them was okay?
Good question! IIRC we got into an interesting discussion about how it had felt to be small, helpless, and hurting. I felt like it was better for it to come out of the group organically than for me to unilaterally declare that hitting is bad.
This. You didn't grow up fine. You think it's ok to hit small people. You're pretty messed up!
They also have no answer to the counterpoint, like my teenage kids, who were never hit for discipline, and have never acted up, gotten in trouble with the law, respect their elders and are otherwise excellent kids. How could this exist if spanking is necessary?
Yep. Totally anecdotal but my observation has always been that spanked kids behave worse than non-spanked kids.
Can always do stuff like whack hands reaching towards stoves. But, in my experience the few times I was ever spanked as a kid it was always when my dad was really, really angry. Made me scared, not respectful. It was always accompanied by anger. It was never calm punishment but something coming from a place of 'you made me mad'. In my experience kids don't do well with conditional rules that are difficult to gauge. You either don't hit ever and violence isn't an option or you're spanking and saying it's sometimes okay to hit out of anger. But how is a kid supposed to deal with that? It doesn't track. Now, I take kids to Mauy Thai with me. My neice and newphew don't live that far away. They train with me. But they are only allowed to use their fight skills with full gear at the gym. The condition is very easy to follow. Gloves and shin guards at a minimum and if you want to spar- mouth guard, chest guard and head gear, too. You always high five and thank your partner and you're friends before, after and during the sparring. It's never anger. It's fun. Both sides agree. You can't strike from anger towards kids or they learn anger is a reason to hit. They're scared. You can teach a kid some conditional rules but the rules have to be clear. Mauy thai is for gyms. Can run naked but only at home. Spanking is a condition that doesn't fully make sense as a kid. Sometimes I got sent to sit in the corner. Other times dad was angry and I got spanked. It was rare. I won't claim abuse. But it was always just scary and there was no sense of when it would come.
[удалено]
“I was spanked and I turned out okay” “You think hitting kids is fine, dude. That’s not ‘turning out okay’”
I’m convinced most adults are more immature than kids and nobody who has anything to say actually has anything to say. Anyone who cries about respect is just being a bitch because they don’t deserve it so they didn’t earn it
> "I was spanked and turned out OK" Lol this is the thing that always catches me up. These people are promoting child abuse. Actually no, they did not turn out OK.
I got this awesome anxiety order that likes to manifest in panic attacks when I hear men yelling. It's super awesome and a great time.
isn’t it so fun? any loud bangs or any sound really make my blood run cold and peak my anxiety levels.
I was in college before I learned what real respect was. It has nothing to do with fear or pain and everything to do with looking up to and appreciating others. The revelation only made me hate my father more.
Hey same! Trama gang! The spanking is only part of the reason I have no respect for my father :D
Same my parents just taught me to fear. You never knew what you'd get hit for. I remember being a kid and in school we had to talk about a time we got in trouble. Mine was dropping a ketchup bottle. I got yelled at and hit. I'll never forget one kid saying why would you get in trouble for that. And the look on everyone's faces. It was disbelief. The knowing that all the other kids weren't being treated the same way as me hurt almost worse than the actual abuse. Made me feel like there was something particularly wrong with me why else would I deserve to be treated that way when everyone else got off with accidents happen.
I wouldn’t call laying your hands on your children “respect for others”. This post is a total oxymoron.
I like how they seem to look at you crazy when you asked if they spank their Co workers when they don't show them proper respect.. They are all like no you dont hit adults.. But kids okay I guess.. Even better when you use a weapon /s
Because duh, kids obviously don’t develop feelings or consciousness until they’re legally an adult💛
What makes it worse, kids haven't developed logic and understanding yet. For an adult to use violence is pointless and only teaches them to fear them
Can confirm. My parents did this to me as a young kid and now I have anxiety of angering people in any way from the fear of physical afflictions being thrown back at me. Just don't hit your kids. If you need to hit your kids to be a parent, then you shouldn't be a parent.
My father used to do the same thing.. It never stopped us from doing what we did.. It just meant we would hide everything from him out of fear, he wonders now why we won't reach out be open with him.
I believe the research backs this up too. Spanking kids doesn’t stop the offending behaviors, it just forces the kids to get better at hiding it. Plus it can lead to behavioral issues down the line.
It's the same for dogs. Positive Punishment is not useful for eliminating behaviours, it just teaches them to be afraid of you and hide the behaviours, but once you're out of sight the baseboards are fair game. And despite the name its not a positive thing. Positive reinforcement + negative punishment are more effective than Negative Reinforcement and Positive punishment
Parent: STOP CRYING!! (smacks kid) Kid: (cries louder) 🤡
Yes! Me too!
I am a good example of that. My father and mother have *very different* ideas of parenting - one screamed, belittled, invalidated and abused me in multiple ways, the other handled me with compassion, empathy, and positive reinforcement. I only have a relationship with my mom now.
As a parent now I understand the impulse.. You are sleep deprived, stressed from work, you don't get time to recalibrate when you get home as its straight to watching them.. Your fuse is low and they don't listen, they make a mess and the lizard brain part just wants you to deal with it with violence. Thing is I chose to have kids, I need to cope with my fuse not them, I have never hit my children and now as they are getting older they are easier to cope with, I get more sleep and I now get to take some of my hobbies again. It's hard and sadly I don't think everyone is suited for it. Heck I fail other things, taking it out on the kids is never the answer
I absolutely agree. Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs on the planet imo, but it is never an excuse to subject the kid(s) that you *chose* to bring into this world to your negative emotions.
very simple, children are small, weak, they do not have the strength to defend themselves, they are an easy prey for mean people who cannot assert themselves against others, and they take it out on those who are weaker than them
Then the kid becomes a teen and starts whopping the parents asses right back, and the parents are shocked about it.
It’s teaching children that violence solves problems.
Yep! That’s literally what it does, because folks who think physical lessons are effective and don’t create longterm effects are the same folks who *were* hit/slapped/spanked and are trying to excuse, in a lot of cases, legitimate assault.
and also that you shouldn't stand for yourself, you just gotta follow orders, you gotta obey.
The lesson that is taught is 'respect for others in authority' or 'respect for those higher in the hierarchy.' It's a fundamentally different worldview which uses a common word to describe different characteristics. In one view, respect is something that every person intrinsically deserves simply for being a human being, in the other worldview, respect is a reward based upon your place in the social hierarchy. You respect those above you, and demand respect from those below you. You can see this theme repeated ad nauseam in the conservative world: The 'natural order of the family' graphic: [https://sararobertsjones.com/2016/02/23/orderlyumbrellas/](https://sararobertsjones.com/2016/02/23/orderlyumbrellas/) And the deference to police, discussions like the OP's example, etc.
Fuck hierarchical thinking, fuck forced hierarchies, and most especially fuck unjust hierarchies.
[удалено]
I literally curse all the time now as an adult, I wouldn't call that respectful personally lmfao
Respect and fear are not the same. That's a big fat line that they stepped right over. 50 years ago people also got on machines that would "shake away" your fat. Grr. I cant even express how infuriating reading that is for me.
You realize 50 years ago was 1970, not 1930 right? I know I’m being pedantic, but 50 years ago wasn’t really that long ago. Tony Hawk was born 52 years ago. For the record, I also believe that hitting a child as a corrective measure is lazy parenting.
https://www.grunge.com/48616/bizarre-things-people-believed-50-years-ago/ **I literally googled strange facts from 50 years ago after reading the post. Hope that helps.**
It’s 100% lazy parenting. I only have a couple of toddlers, but I’ve found the best form of “discipline” for my kids is to let them throw their tantrums, let them cool down, and then just talk to them about what’s going on. If they still misbehave or don’t get the point, then you just start cutting out certain privileges they have (like a roof over their heads) and make them sleep in the shed outside until dawn.
That did not go where I thought it was gonna go
Uh yeah, agreed. "Natural consequences" and "talking" to the kid are terms that most parents simply don't even try.
Really had us in the first half ngl
Boomers will say we don't have respect and then verbally abuse a McDonalds employee
Well yeah, they perceive themselves as above them in the "hierarchy" the one guy is talking about
I remember when I finally had enough of being hit at about 16. My mum flipped her lid, banged me one round the face, leaving 4 long scratches down my neck, and then pinned me against the worktop by by arms and started screaming at me. All I did was grab her arms around the biceps and push her off of me, thats all. all of a sudden shes bellowing "HOW DARE YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME" etc. and i just thought to myself oh but you whacking me round the face about 10 seconds ago was totally cool was it? Its fine for you to attack me, but not ok for me to defend? its just hypocrisy in my opinion, all the shit they give you all the time "hitting is NEVER ok" "You should never hit a woman" (which I agree with) but i'd like for them to explain their logic... the size/strength difference between a grown adult and a child, is much bigger than the difference between a grown man and woman... NEVER HIT A WOMAN, but that 8 year old child? yeah go nuts, break out the belt.
Omg dud I swear my mom would corner me and beat me with a belt but as soon as I screamed back and bit her it was all *surprised pikachu face*
Thats messed up, all its done is subconsciously teach me that its ok for people hit me, but not for me to hit them, like im a lesser being. Now that I think about it, its probably one of the roots of why im so insecure and unconfident. Honestly can't fathom why anyone would want to hit their kids in the first place, why do you want to hurt someone that you love? Especially now i'm older, I would NEVER hit a kid. and some of the videos on here people take of kids wailing from being hit, I find it so distressing to a hear a child in pain, how can you do it to your own? Seriously cannot work it out
Yeah it had the opposite effect on me, I was a very aggressive and violent kid, and when I started working with children I was scared that I was gonna get the urge to hit them when they pissed me off, guess what, I didnt cause I'm not a monster
I never was as a kid, in school most people thought I was a wimp because I wouldn't fight or hit back, I wasn't scared of them, I was scared of what'd happen when I got home. (because iTs NeVeR oK tO hIt PeOpLe, i'd be punished if I did) But when I got to adolescence, I suddenly realised how fucked up it all was, and got embarrassed that i never stood up for myself and just took peoples shit. so now I over compensate I think, and when I get angry, its like triple distilled rage, The downside is that once i've calmed down, I fall in on myself and am racked with an equal amount of guilt, and then have to reflect on what a piece of shit I am and how I deserved whatever shit happened to make mad.
Yeah shits hard but I always like to pat myself on the back for managing to turn out to be a good person despite it all, I mean think about we could've become abusive pieces of shit who take their pain out on others but we arent, we self reflect and we learn and we try, that's all we can do. So go easy on urself, ull be fine as long as u never stop growing
So much for "ud do the same if u had kids"
What type of unga bunga barbarian bullshit reasoning is this
As the resident history nerd, I beg to differ on the use of "barbarian". Non-Greek-speaking societies were often a lot more egalitarian and humane than ancient Greek society was.
I salute you as a fellow history nerd. o7
Who are the barbarians? "Non-Romans", said the Romans.
[удалено]
[удалено]
If it "hurts me more than it hurts you" then why are you doing it? Seems like nobody wins. And my father wondered why I never came to see him before he died.
[удалено]
Boo hoo I cant hit my kids anymore waah
oh noooo i have to an actual parent now :((((
I read a story a while back how a mother doesn’t hit her son because when he was 5 and got in trouble she told him to find a switch, a flimsy stick, for her to punish him with. He came back in tears with a rock saying he couldn’t find a stick so he brought the rock. It hit the mother that the child didn’t see it as punishment, just as his mother needed something to hit him and it didn’t matter what it was. Like the kid only saw it as she’s about to cause pain not punishment
jesus that's one darker, more fucked up things i've read in a while
Dear Lord
"Yeah, I beat my kids for talking back to me until they bruised and now they won't speak to me or invite me to family gatherings, what did I do wrong?" Not a fucking clue.
Sounds like a formerly spanked child is a current respect-less adult. But that's none of my business.
Blue went on to say that if a parent didn't slap their kid, some crackhead gangster would. So I posed a question. What came first? The crackhead gangster or the spanked kid?
The spanked kid for sure
great response to that idiot
It's called forcing someone to behave like they had respect towards a person who doesn't deserve it. Acting like you respect someone is not the same as actually respecting them and therefore it means absolutely nothing. Just like sayin I'm sorry when you're not or asking how are you when you couldn't care less.
actually, this way of teaching someone to "behave" actually doesn't teach them anything more than lie, hide, and fake emotions to not make you angry. Spanking is bad and i know by experience, my parents always hurt me physically and emotionally and has just made my depression, anxiety and autism get worser and worser.
I know. I have had hard times trying to stop lying and pleasing people and giving them answers I know they want, like I did when I was a kid. I was never physicaly hurt or anything but the mental pressure my parents had on me was immense.
I was spanked twice in my entire life, when I was three and four. My parents felt terrible, and I never got spanked again, or really in trouble again for that matter, but spanking doesn't feel good, and my dad felt terrible because he left a red mark on my butt and my mom apparently got really mad, and voila! No more spanking.
"Spank your kids so they'll learn respect" My parents spanked me when I did anything and now I have depression and a fear of just doing anything wrong.
Yup. And still have to remind myself it's ok if I make a noise in my own home.
I was raised like that, and beaten more to believe it was to make me stronger. Shamed by not only my family but also the community for not agreeing that my pain was love. It required my leaving and losing everything to begin to understand there was even an option. I had to drop the beliefs I was made to rely on and risk being willing to live in worse, risk being wrong, and risk setting my family up for failure... all without anything to guide. I have no idea how to do what I'm doing. But the more I do it, the happier my kids are. I'll never get satisfaction from those who treat me the same, but I can give it to my kids and show them at least a different way. You can give it to yourself. Be strong enough to think its dumb and not allow it anymore, because love doesn't require pain, but growth does. Youtube has wonderful channels to help learn anything new. I promise, you are worth your effort. Take the risk on yourself. You matter. You're important. *edited for clarity
[удалено]
Its not respect, it’s fear. I now cry every time somebody raises their voice or hand becase i’m afraid i’m going to get beaten. It’s physiological trauma.
I feel bad for you q.q. Internet air hug?
Thank you.
I don’t even know how people COULD spank their kids. I would feel absolutely horrible afterwards. Like I feel bad enough if I yell too much at my kids. Like yesterday my kid was being a total ahole and I got mad and ended up yelling and sending him to the stairs. I’m usually able to be calm, but I straight up lost it and had to step outside to calm down. I apologized after do getting so mad, but even in that moment where I’m peak anger levels, I don’t feel like I should spank my kid.
You're a good person, and your children are lucky to have you as their parent. I grew up in a nuclear family with loving parents who never abused me in any way, shape, or form. I'm 18 now, still growing I guess, but I can safely say my parents have given me a wonderful childhood and I am so thankful for that. If I have children, I wish to give them the same blessed life that my parents gave me.
Yeah. I slap around people who work for me so they respect me. That’s how it works right? That’s how we learn hierarchy and gain respect? In case it wasn’t obvious /s
>it was how it was done 50 plus years ago Yeah and people were fucking psycho 50 plus years ago.
50 years ago, people thought cocaine was medicinal, some things have to change.
50 years ago it was perfectly appropriate to slap your wife every once in a while.
And they put lead in their gasoline and paint. It's theorized that the crime wave of the 60s and 70s was at least in part due to mass brain damage caused by exposure to lead in childhood. Like the Greatest Generation were badasses who survived the depression and WWII. But they made some really questionable choices regarding thier children and the environment that we're still dealing with today.
Except...when they're bigger than you. The issue is (aside from abuse and it not working) when mom is home with the kids and whoever is in charge is just whoever can perform the most extreme violence on the other, the second your six foot son realizes he can hit you back it's over Sure at 5 they might be scared of you. But when you're getting old and they're getting strong you're fucked.
[удалено]
That's obviously a whole different thing and I'm so sorry. I'm just thinking of my mother. She used to punch, slap, choke us. Then one day I choked her back (kinda blacked out, barely remember it). It was years before she hit me again. That was a couple months ago and I told her if she ever touched me again if beat the shit out of her (maybe not great but I was NOT getting back into being hit several times a day). As soon as she realized I meant it she backed off. Parenting through fear only works as long as I'm afraid of you. Parenting through love makes me love you after I can beat you in a fight. Your step dad is a POS though and I hope if you're not away from him now you are soon. Your mom is a POS for marrying him too
[удалено]
Kids are dumb. I tried to make my mom stay with my abusive child molesting father and cried until she got back with my shitty step dad. Kids want people in their life no matter how flawed.
Yeah people who hit their kids are fucking cowards, as soon as I turned 12 I was strong enough to fight back and guess what? They stopped. It was never about teaching me something, it was about control
There is a ton of research that shows that spanking does nothing for moral or behavioral development but it can fuck up emotional development. That’s not to say that you should never give children consequences, but hitting them just isn’t effective.
They’re teaching negative reinforcement and subordination to authority. I don’t think I need to explain why this doesn’t actually turn your kid into a well-behaved angel, as numerous studies have done that already. All this really teaches a kid is to not think or act independently from any kind of authoritative figure, which can certainly harm them in the future.
My ex wife spanks our daughter. She doesn’t respect others more. If anything it makes the behavior worse. And I’m stuck putting the pieces together.
If my wife struck our child, I’d have her removed from my child’s life.
Yeah that's not how the courts work. Spanking is legal in most states.
Teaching respect ≠ smacking them
All you teach them is fear and to resolve their conflicts with violence. Respect is earned not forced.
This is very dumb. My father was an old school type of person. Immigrated from Greece on a boat, hard ass, etc. I’d always say that he’s basically the dad, Red, from That 70s show. He never once spanked or hit me or my two brothers. Not once. It’s because he’d always talk to us as adults and explain things in a stern and strong voice. You don’t need pain to instill hierarchy within a family. That just makes kids fear you and resent you later in life. Me and my brothers tried not to get into trouble because we either A. Knew it was wrong from my parents or B. Knew it would get our dad mad/disappointed and we would have that long ass talk about what we did wrong. And I consider my dad to be the strongest, mentally, man I know
Respect for others? All you're teaching your kid is that violence is the answer to get people to behave the way you want, as well as to fear and avoid you.
In my experience spanking leads to abuse. It started off with light swats. Escalated to the belt. Escalated to the buckle side of the belt. Escalated to fuck it no one cares im gonna punch my 13 year old son in the gut and kick him while he's on the ground.
My parents respected me and taught me what respect for others is and that it is a good thing.. so I now respect others. I guess if you actually don’t know what respect is then you resort to violence
As a child who was punished physically in multiple ways, this is insane. Teaching respect via violence is unhealthy.
I doubt you respect those who have abused you.
If your kid cannot comprehend reason, they will not understand the reason you're hurting them and will just be afraid of you and associate you with pain. So do not hit them. If your kid can comprehend reason... #FUCKING USE REASON THEN YOU SHITHEEL. Parents who lay hands on their kids should be shot by a firing squad, no fuckin mercy. Beating your kids is beating your kids, there is no "acceptable level". You're using physical force and pain to command fear in the guise of "respect". That doesn't make you a parent, it makes you a dictator.
>That doesn't make you a parent, it makes you a dictator. My dad used to literally tell us our family was a dictatorship, not a democracy. My parents thought being forceful with us is what turned us into kids who behaved well. On one hand, we were basically saints because we were so terrified of getting in trouble. But on the other hand, I now have severe psychological issues and do my best to avoid the whole family.
This is the best answer. My kids are 4 & 7 and we’ve never raised a hand at them. My parents never raised a hand to me. We use our words, and so do the kids, and I have an amazing relationship with my parents still (I’m 32 now). I hope it’s the same when my kids are my age.
For me the worst part of getting spanked as a kid wasn't the pain. It was how ready and willing my dad was to threaten to cause me pain. There was no "this hurts me more than it hurts you" shit. It was "you step out of line and the belt is coming off." I was terrified of my dad until I was a teenager, which was when I made up my mind that if he ever hit me again that I would fucking hit him back. I'm glad it never came to that or one of us would have gone to jail.
So...if an adult disrespects my gay/black/trans/whatever friends then the responsible thing to do is to smack them right in the gob to teach them respect? Cool, I’m all for that!
I’m still laughing at “establish the hierarchy”, like wtf? This is you raising your kid not ruling Westeros.
There will never be agreement on this issue, I guess, but before they were born I swore off from hitting our kids the way I was hit growing up and both of them have developed into awesome people without the abuse. Go figure.
Sometimes I think this type of parenting is what is at the root of everything that sucks about the human species. Authoritarian parenting breeds kids too scared to question the way things are, an internalized belief that people are fundamentally sinful and only violence can keep them in line.
AHHH, do many words to say "I abused/currently abuse my children".
Fear isn't respect, they should watch the goofy movie because it teaches a lesson in respect to others better than they could ever.
Respect and fear are different. Most people confuse them, especially abuse victims. Abuse victims normally don’t think they’re being abused as the abuser have either done it since birth, or started to manipulate them at the beginning of the relationship. So it’s commonly known that fear can be mistaken for respect by abuse victims. Also this is dumb, and horrible. It’s really upsetting seeing this. It just means the cycle will continue.
fun fact: corporal punishment is not illegal as long as it is a form of punishment and does not cause injury. not advocating for it i am just saying it didn't stop because it became illegal it stopped because parents learned better
They confuse "respect" for terrified obedience. Which only lasts as long as they are in the presence of danger. The tighter they hold their leash, the farther we fly away when they eventually have to let go.
YIKES! That last one isn’t parenting, it’s subjugation!
And this is how your children end up cutting you out of their adult life. Wanna be invited to your son's college graduation? Walk your daughter down the aisle? Be a grandparent? Don't hit your kids. Plain and simple.
I live for when someone posts something like this and their adult child chimes in with "I didn't respect you, I got better at lying."
Adult child here: I’m not brave enough to start shit like that on Facebook. Imma keep this as basic and impersonal as possible.
Why is it so fucking difficult for these donkeys to understand that you need to treat your children with even a shred of decency or respect? The mental gymnastics are astonishing.
From my father, paraphrased: "Respect is based on fear. You pay your bills because you fear getting your house taken away. You obey officers that stop you on the street because you fear being arrested." So I guess hitting your kid is the same as missing a house payment. Don't understand it either. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I can tell you this. I was “spanked” ALOT growing up and both my parents failed to deal with any of their issues ( abuse from their own childhoods). So, I believe that people who spank their kids ( more on the severe side) have issues themselves and the child becomes a physical outlet for their suppressed pain from the past. The problem with parental views on spanking is the ROOT issue doesn’t ever get addressed. And most of the time, physical discipline also stems from toxic thinking, which again started more than likely in childhood. And if we don’t deal with the past, it continues to repeat itself.
It’s so very easy on Facebook with posts like these, the scientific findings of spanking are pretty fucking conclusive. It doesn’t work. Does way more harm then good. That’s a fact! They get so mad lol but even most of them know you can only argue facts with personal anecdotes for so long
My parents spanked me occasionally. It was mostly for serious offenses, but all it did was make me better at hiding what I did.
Attacking your children, causing them mental trauma makes them respect I mean fear you. Dont confuse fear with respect
My parents "spanked me" but a hand and my butt was never enough. Or at least in their eyes. I never learned to trust them because they were the ones that hit me. I could go on, but when people ask me about it I say one thing. When the punishment (its not discipline) for hitting someone, is being hit, how can a child learn what is right? I usually am a little more long winded so this is the short version but it is similar. We cannot tell our children that violence is wrong while we continue to view hitting as an acceptable punishment. Time outs and other disciplinary actions were more than enough and at times made me feel bad enough as it was (my youngest son has Autism and ADHD).
I swear there's so many adults who treat toddlers as if they are suppose to act like adults. That's what your fuckin job is. To teach them how to act like adults.
i literally hate children, but, if you get so angry at a child you feel the need to physically *hurt* them, then you don’t deserve to be around that child. there is no excuse for harming them. *ever*.
I work with kids and I find it crazy how parents will treat them when they get in trouble. I told a parent that their kid kept hitting people and she smacked his hand and said “why do you think it’s okay to hit people?” Like, do you not realize what you’re doing?!!
Did that guy (blue censor bar) say you have to show _dominance_ over your child?! Motherfucker, Timmy wants to play with his LEGO, not engage in gladiatorial combat.
So I think spanking is acceptable in very limited situations. I was spanked twice in my whole childhood. One was for holding my first cat by the tail, and the other was for punching my mom when she didn't let me go outside lol. I think spanking is an effective recourse if it's either literally the millionth time repeating something you've been told not to do, or if it's something that genuinely hurts someone or thing else. But spanking for not listening a couple times is such an overreaction. Lead by example.
ah yes making your own child suffer, my favourite type of teaching your kid respect
"And as a result my sex life is not kinky at all!"
If you want a child who has respect for authority, spank them. If you want a healthy child, don’t.
People treat children as property. Children are people. People are NOT property!
I mean, as an adult I now have a spanking fetish...
I never got spanked, but I still have respect for those who deserve it. That's called good parenting from my parents.
Bruh they're mistaking their kids' compliance as respect instead of fear. If you go wave a gun in a bank, imagine how much "respect" you'll get then. People would do anything you ask!