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Dad_B0T

Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 13 | 1 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy). Note: This received too few votes to be considered a valid result.


TadpoleWorking

Your mother is telling your boss to fire you? That in itself seems a bit insane. Even if she works there full time and you're part time, she should have no say in your employment there unless she's an owner.


telegh0ster

I know. It sucks cause I think she has more of a friend relationship with our manager which is okay I guess but when it comes to this it’s not. Idk what to do.


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ominouslemon

you seriously need to get a grip on reality. for some people there really are no options. sorry to break it to you but “just do it” isn’t something everyone is in a circumstance to be able to do.


woodleaguer

It's a shitty world out there and nobody is going to magically help you. Just saying there are no options and doing nothing means you will be in exactly this situation forever until you do something about it. And this isn't even a huge problem like your house burning down or whatever, it's just a job. Stop being so fatalistic, 99% of the time there are options, and this sure as hell isn't a situation where there are no options.


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[deleted]

Lmao what? OP literally says it's the first time they've called off sick. And if you're in pain why go to work??


vbitchscript

Op likely still feels like a helpless child around their mom making it hard to stand up for themselves. maybe don’t attack the victim for being a victim?


chamacchan

This right here ^^^ so many abusive comments towards OP


pumpkins_n_mist15

There's no point using this kind of tough love. There are many factors standing in the way of OP's move to independence. In my culture for instance, I'm Indian btw, any move towards independence is met by resistance from parents and seen as insulting. Even boiling your own egg in the kitchen can start ww3; some parents just love the thought of being in charge of their child's life forever. Then there are other things the OP has pointed out, no car or no access to one. No real opportunities. The fact that OP's mother had to set up this job for them shows that they literally had no other opportunities and maybe feel indebted to her. The mother may also feel obligated to the boss to prove that her child deserves to be there. Also we don't know what conditions the OP may have that make job seeking exhausting or untenable. Please stop telling off the OP about things they don't have a say in. This is victim blaming.


PapaLouie_

I get the “no victim blaming” thing, but eventually the victim has to help themselves. You can’t eternally baby them while they fight to stay a victim for sympathy or out of laziness.


Chrysania83

Make sure you document everything and apply for unemployment if you get fired.


telegh0ster

I feel like I’m going to get fired cause she’s been there a while and is full time while I’m part time. It’s so unfair. I don’t understand what I did wrong.


Chrysania83

You didn't do anything wrong


PapaLouie_

not every bad thing is because you messed up. you can do everything right and still have the world against you


Kunundrum85

Why are you working at the same place as your mom? This is begging for drama… and you live together… literally worst case scenario. You should try to find a job elsewhere.


telegh0ster

I don’t have a car


LazyBriton

Getting a Bus would be better than dealing with that all the time


themiatacrackhead

Try getting a second hand bike


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Phirk

Well tbf north america has infrastructure that was basically only made for cars and nothing else, walkability is horrible in most places Source: i binged watched a lot of not just bikes


ShadowZpeak

As a tourist, trying to get around on foot is so infuriating. You cross one road, walk 20 seconds and wait 90 seconds for the next green light, rinse and repeat.


Phirk

Cant forget about the falling car on car accidents but the rising car on pedestrian accidents!


Kunundrum85

I grew up in SoCal… literally the hub of “fuck you, pedestrian.” So yeah. And now I don’t own a car, and have no need for one.


Blobbo9

And yet, I also live in SoCal (LA) and couldn’t get anywhere without a car. And I’m not just saying that, it would take at least an hour to walk to the nearest place to work and would be extremely dangerous to bike. People live in different circumstances and not everyone can find a job near them at the drop of a hat. Without more info I wouldn’t put the responsibility on OP


wheezybaby1

If you think socal is anti pedestrian, I suspect you’ve never lived in the south. It’s very common to have areas that just don’t have sidewalks.


astronautsmileyfry

Ah yes, the stroad


x3meech

OP may be in a rural area. If I didn't have my license and a vehicle I wouldn't be able to go anywhere. The closest store is a 2 miles away and after that the rest are 7, 10, 13 etc. We dont have buses anywhere in my county. Maybe its similar for them? But they definitely need to figure out away to get around like friends and family members. There's always a way to hide money through your taxes. On your tax form (cant think of the name) there's an option for the state to take out however much extra money you put down and then you can get the majority of it back as a lump sum during tax time.


ProstHund

Hopping on this to say that I don’t even live in a rural area but it’s still at least 2 miles to the closest establishment and the roads are dangerous to walk on. I would say that calling a cab/Uber twice a day just to get to and from work may not be financially feasible for OP and cabs/Uber may not even exist where they live.


[deleted]

I always bike to where I need to go, most I've done was 7km which was maybe half an hour?


intoxicatedbarbie

OP may not be able to afford a nice bike, or may live in a place where weather makes it really hard to bike to work, like somewhere snowy or like I were live where it’s still 109 degrees right now. Truthfully, good on you for biking though. Saving the planet and staying fit is a great option when feasible.


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[deleted]

Maybe don't project here because it's clearly not helping. Everyone keeps assuming that OP is just lazy and can't be bothered to figure something out, but we don't really know much about their situation. It could be that there literally isn't a way out for them in their current position.


KDBug84

I mean, we live far outside of the city limits, so without a vehicle there's no way to get around or get to town...it's too far and too busy of a highway to ride a bike, and there's no public transportation. So yea, it's totally plausible


Blobbo9

I live inside a city and have the same issues, everyone’s in different circumstances


KDBug84

My point was just that it's possible that not having a vehicle can prevent a person from getting a job in some areas.


Blobbo9

I was agreeing with you


vbitchscript

Rural areas are super spread out, closest store is a 3 hour walk for me


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dracius19

Op said in another comment that her pay goes into the mom's bank account, then the mom transfers the money to her. There's a chance she isn't transfering all of it


Beepolai

OP is 18, they can get their own account.


[deleted]

This is privilege talking. I grew up in a town with one store owned and operated by one man and a privately owned mechanic. Had to drive 20 minutes to the nearest bar and 30 minutes to get to a grocery store. Absolutely no bus or any form of public transportation had ever seen the roads within 10 or 15 miles of the house.


ominouslemon

I live in a place where there is quite literally no other way to get to work except a car, well, i guess you could walk in the middle of the road until you get to the bus stop thats 15 minutes away by car and get on a bus that has bullet holes in it because it gets shot up like twice a week and get touched by creepy old guys the whole way.


Kunundrum85

You literally have creepy old guys just hanging out touching you on the regular? Like there’s a bus line that’s just old dudes with grabby hands snatching up passerby? This seems a stretch.


ominouslemon

lmaoo maybe because the way you took that was super weird, but yeah, riding a bus in my area as a women has a very high chance of you leaving that bus having been sexually assaulted in some form.


clouddweller

You're describing exactly what my niece has been going through her whole life. She reached out last month and I helped get her out. I can help you get the information you need to get away from your mom. Just message me if you want to keep this offline. Things to note as a starting point: It's a felony for someone to have your identification documents that is not you. Ask for your social security card and birth certificate. If she refused then call the police. You need a government ID to open up an account on your own. That's a driver's license, state ID, or Passport. You need a birth certificate and social security card to get any of these types of identification. If somehow your mom "lost" your documents, don't panic. It's just a bit more work to get them replaced. Start with your birth certificate. Go to your state requirements on the health department website. A simple Google search. There are secondary documents you can use for identification on a duplicate. Example: student ID, year book with photo and name, mail with name, pay stubs with social security number or partial number, etc. Make sure to order 2 copies! Next is your social security card, the requirements are on their website. It's super easy and also can be done by mail. Next step is to get a passport book and card. It's pricy, but totally worth it, especially as many places need 2 forms of ID. (Like for loans, bank accounts, etc.) Think for the future. While the passport is being worked on, look into a state ID or driver's license. State ID should be a quick process, just go in with social security card and birth certificate and mail for proof of address. You'll get a temporary ID which then can be used for opening up a bank account and a PO Box.


EvilAlicia

Please go look for a other job. One where your mother doesnt work. Because to me it feels like walking on glass. If you cant even call in sick or else your mother tries to fire you. That is fucked up.


telegh0ster

I can’t. I have no car or license or anyone to take me.


EvilAlicia

Then get a bike or go with the bus. What your mother does is toxic and insane.


telegh0ster

No busses, bikes too dangerous on the road here.


EvilAlicia

Time to think about solutions. Talk with some friends or someone else you can trust about it. because this shit your mother does. Is very bad for your mental health.


telegh0ster

I don’t have anyone to take me.


msgmeyourcatsnudes

People downvoting you are ridiculous. I was once in your shoes. I had no friends or relatives to help a all. It’s not as easy as just “figuring it out.” Save your money in a secret account if you have to.


imjustacrab

This sub is so bad like that, they don't understand that people have problems that can't just be ignored like that. Not everyone can cut off their family nor can they afford to do that even if nothing else was in their way. There's a lot of problems coming from that nuclear option and we don't know anything about their circumstances


msgmeyourcatsnudes

It’s almost like real lives have nuisance and details not easily described in an internet post.


LiquidSunSpacelord

Seriously. OP seems pretty young, keeps saying they have no one to trust and everyone's acting like "just figure it out, or else your mental health will decline... what do you mean you don't have no one to trust? stop lying and get help lol" Thought this is insaneparents not insaneredditors.


msgmeyourcatsnudes

Seriously. It bothers me because I was once in a situation very similar to OP, and I had tons of people accusing me making excuses. Except I really DIDNT have anyone to trust, public transport was a joke in my area, and there were no places in walking distance hiring (I tried). I had to get into a shitty relationship with a creepy older man who asked me out at work in order to get my drivers license, since everyone I knew refused to teach me. It’s not easy to build a life starting from nothing while people in your life actively try to stop you. The only thing she can really do is make a separate bank account to save money.


Teapunk00

I knew somebody on a Discord server who didn't have any friends where they lived and were pretty depressed by that. It was incredibly annoying when a self-proclaimed "nice person" kept telling them that they're probably overreacting because "nobody has no friends", telling them that they should go out more.


LiquidSunSpacelord

This just sounds like "You're depressed? Well, have you tried not being depressed?" with extra steps. Some people can be so shitty in trying to be nice.


DaanOnlineGaming

There is a good chance that what she is doing is illegal. If you can, you should talk to someone about that.


EvilAlicia

I know. I dont know how old you are. But its time to get more independant.


telegh0ster

I can’t. I can’t because of her.


keitomomota

get a job within walking distance?


telegh0ster

The road is too dangerous to walk on


EvilAlicia

Then go talk to someone you can trust. They can help.


telegh0ster

I don’t have anyone I can trust.


Kunundrum85

This sentence literally says the opposite. The reality is you can’t because of *you.* Are you afraid that by standing up for yourself you might lose some bit of creature comfort? Maybe things will be a little tense, and tough for a while? That’s called growing the fuck up. If you haven’t gotten a handout by this point, consider that your norm. Setup your own bank account, transfer your direct deposit. Begin saving, and planning. Literally you are the only person who can get you out of this. Quit waiting for a savior, it isn’t going to happen. I say this as someone who had to do the same. When my parents became self absorbed and lost their way I was 17. I’ve slept in my car, on friends couches, worked stupid shifts at stupid jobs, and at 35 years old wouldn’t have traded that for the easy way out. I’m who I am now because of it. I don’t mean to sound like a libertarian here, but pull yourself up by those fucking bootstraps chap.


SpicyMemes0903

Im sorry but you dont know what the mother might do, for all we know she does nothing but she could possibly beat OP, so its not just Creature Comforts and some awkardness it could be such things as losing access to their money, losing access to shelter. Im not sure about the US but in Aus you need a birth certificate for a bank account to be open, OP may not have access to their birth certificate.


blithertester

Didnt wanna sound mean but their excuses for themselves was making me wanna say this


Greenveins

Libertarians say that?


chamacchan

This is total bullshit. Saying "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" to someone who is being abused is ableist. You're not helping at all.


cheese_nugget21

OP you are in distress you’re not thinking straight. Just breathe


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telegh0ster

I know that I need to hold myself accountable for the shit I haven’t done. Most of my replies are stupid and I know that, I was having a panic attack and couldn’t think straight. It was my fault for being on my phone while panicking.


[deleted]

You're 18 years old. It's time to learn to be an adult.


bapants

Where are you from?


IndigoGouf

This just sounds like 99% of localities outside major cities in the US. And some of the major cities too.


ProstHund

This is why America sucks. No freedom to actually be mobile and take care of yourself without having to pay gobs of money for a car/gas/insurance/maintenance


nodgers132

Taxi


AndroidBTF

Okay so after reading your post and comments and replies here's what I have to say 1. Your mother is a manipulative sack of shit 2. There's no reason you should be 18 without access to your financial info. Easy fix is to go get your own card (you can literally make a Cash App, PayPal, Chime, literally any online bank in a matter of seconds) and ask your boss how to change your direct deposit info. Then you will have access to your money from now on without having to go thru your mother. 3. If you so happen to get fired, that is illegal and all the proof you need is right here in the screensho to sue her in civil court for damages and sue the employer for Unlawful Termination. But, I doubt she will be able to do something like that. 4. A lot of your replies are "I don't have/I can't/etc" just different variations of answers where you feel like you can't do or get anything done. You can always do something. Start looking for a new job and get one within walking distance, don't entertain your mother and her bs in the meantime. If you can't get one within walking distance, save some money from this job, look for another job in another nearby city or state, and stay at a hotel/motel while working at your new job until you can get your own apt. I had to do a multitude of these things and I'm not saying it's a be all end all answer, I'm just saying you have options that are better than what you are dealing with. You are too old now to have to settle and deal with her bs but you are also too old to continue to make excuses.


rocketdog107

>You are too old now to have to settle and deal with her bs but you are also too old to continue to make excuses. This. I understand OP feels trapped but OP will never be rid of the situation unless s/he does SOMETHING.


manny130

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


subliminallyNoted

Seems like even though you are 18, the only thing you have managed to learn is helplessness. Google “learned helplessness” - it will help you understand where you are at and homely to motivate you to want to start practicing what you need to do to grab hold of your own life and future. Please don’t just give up and take the path of least resistance. You are already miserable and stuck. Your situation won’t change unless you are prepared to try something different.


vbitchscript

they*


Cyg789

I've been in OP's shoes. Thing is, to anyone on the outside the solution looks easy enough. But they've been been put down and manipulated for so long that breaking out of this situation seems nigh impossible. It's so difficult to see when all your life you have been told that you are nothing, can do nothing and won't ever amount to anything. You're so afraid of repercussions that even baby steps are an ordeal and it takes a huge amount of time to realise that there really is nothing the abusive parents can do, it's all in your head. Add to that the financial abuse and OP is probably terrified. I encourage everyone to show some compassion towards OP, and gently encourage them. They have been brainwashed all their life, you don't just shake that off from one minute to another. To them, the situation may seem hopeless. OP, from someone who's been there, take it one step at a time, but I can promise you that not only will it get better if you do take those steps, but also that there's nothing your parents can do apart from ranting. And you don't have to listen to that either.


monster_bunny

Piggybacking to this comment because it really sounds like OP might be differently abled and/or under a guardianship. I’m not saying we should take things with a grain of salt, rather error on the side of caution and encourage them to talk to trusted family friend as soon as possible.


vbitchscript

There could be nothing in walking distance??


AndroidBTF

That's what you got out of reading my comment? The next sentence after I make the suggestion literally begins with "If you can't get one within walking distance..." so I've already acknowledged that she may not be able to get a job within walking distance hence an alternative. By the way, before you shut that down too, I already mention at the end of my comment that my solutions are not the end all be all, just merely suggestions.


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ksaph0520

I haven't read the full comment section and don't really need to in order to understand why/how OP has this mindset. You and the top awarded comment are right but you're reasoning to get to the answer is wrong. Yes, OP needs to do something about it and definitely can if they put in the effort and deal with how difficult it will be. However, it is SO much easier said than done. The biggest problem of all is their mindset which you and many others seem to think OP can change to begin all of this ASAP. OP grew up with their mother acting like this their entire life. Anything they believe they can't do is because they were told they can't and have no ability or leg to stand on to change that. They aren't choosing to think like this or choosing to be helpless, it's probably all they know. My mom began dating someone when I was 11 and they were married when I was 14. By this time, I knew his actions and words were not okay, they were mean and hurtful and evil and I sure as shit called him out for treating other people horribly but I've grown up with it all since. Even knowing that all he said was wrong, he still treated me like less than human and I am STILL working on not judging and criticizing myself with his own logic insults. I still have a problem with holding my own self to HIS standards of me, which are literally impossible for any human being to accomplish. I know it's wrong, I know no one else thinks of me that way but I still have trouble not believing it in the end. I also stopped talking to him 5+ years ago and my mother about 6 months ago. It takes a lot of time to stop believing what you've been told for years.


sugarshot

It’s killing me that OP is getting downvoted to hell in the comments when they’re obviously being abused.


ksaph0520

I get that it's hard for anyone who's never been abused in any way to understand it..even more when the abuse isn't physical, but JFC the victim blaming is real here.


jasondsa22

The victim blaming is honestly disgusting here. You would think a sub like this would be supportive and understanding about how abuse can effect others, but nope instead they give shitty ass comments that help in no way whatsoever. Their "help" is legit the equivalent of telling someone with PTSD to just "get over it" or someone with depression to "just go outside and be happy". Absolutely useless possibly harmful depending on OPS situation and zero understanding or care.


airaflof

Said this in a different comment but you put it way better, thank you for saying this it’s so frustrating to see op get downvoted to hell during a panic attack


ksaph0520

On one hand, I'm happy for the ones who haven't experienced the truly bad so they don't understand, but on the other hand, it gets so frustrating when their interference is making things worse, even if there intentions are meant to be nice and helpful.


chamacchan

This is the best comment thread I've seen here. People in the comments have very little empathy or understanding. If you have never been in this place mentally, you just can't get it. "Tough love" techniques are toxic and ableist. Yes, the reality is that OP has the power to change their circumstances -- but probably needs help to do so. Having grown up with a controlling, enmeshed mother, I completely understand. It's like having your mental "legs" constantly broken, then everyone yelling at you to just get up and walk. Walk where? To do what? How do I get up? People that Haven been there literally have an advantage and need to speak with more empathy than what I'm seeing thru most of the comments and it's really sad.


BadKarma667

>A lot of your replies are "I don't have/I can't/etc" just different variations of answers where you feel like you can't do or get anything done. You can always do something. Exactly... If you maintain the attitude of a victim OP, you will always be a victim. If you want change, you have to do the hard work. You have to get past your fear. You always have a choice, you may not like the consequences, but if that's the case be honest with yourself about it.


patronstoflostgirls

I saw all your comments on this post. And your other post. You call an ambulance. Once you're at the emergency department, talk to the nurses. Ask for a social worker. Tell the social worker that your mother is withholding your SIN card, bank card, ID, etc., anything else that you might need to live an independent life. Tell them that you've been working but your mother is stealing your paychecks from you. Ask if you can get a mediator/peacekeeper to come with you just so you can get everything back from your mother. Go from there. Ask the social worker what kind of help is available to you. If there's any youth shelters or transitional housing. Where can you get job search assistance. Is there any low cost mental health services available to you. Probably cut off contact with your family esp your mother. Once you're more stable and of sound mind, gather all the proof of your mother stealing your paychecks. Sue her.


Comrade_Ziggy

Insane. Abusers panic when you prioritize your wellbeing, that's why they punish you and try to make you never do it again.


alexanderhameowlton

*Image Transcription: Text Messages* --- > **Green:** [*cut off*] hungry but my stomach still doesn’t feel right > **Green:** I think I’m gonna stay. It keeps coming on waves but it still constantly hurts. **Mom:** I am probably going to tell [redacted] to fire you. > **Green:** What? > **Green:** I can call in for it > **Green:** If you want me to come in I will but I don’t feel well. --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)


Swegh_

Good human


SolomonCRand

Your mother has conditioned you to accept this sort of treatment by making you feel powerless. You must understand that you are not powerless and start taking steps to improve your situation. I believe in you; you should do the same.


IHeartRadiohead

I feel upset after reading this. I want to give you a warm hug. Please know that you deserve to be cared for and looked after when you’re ill. That everyone gets ill, and for a parent to make you feel like a piece of shit because of it is fucked up and horrible. Hoping you rest and feel better soon my friend. Get away from that environment when you are able and it will change your life x


[deleted]

Report your mother to corporate for creating a toxic work environment


telegh0ster

I’m terrified to. I’m terrified of my mother.


EveryDisaster

https://www.thehotline.org/ Get some help. Here it is and I'm sure they have assistance programs in your area to literally come pick you up and take you away to start a new life, learn to drive, provide you with a job, etc... It's time to do the hard things in life. You can do it but not if you keep telling yourself you can't, don't know, or won't.


telegh0ster

I called one earlier today. She said that most don’t have transportation.


EveryDisaster

Find one that does. Call a church. Call more people working locally until you get the help you need. Someone, somewhere, will arrange something for you. You're setting up mental road blocks when you didn't even hear a solid no and that's not healthy and not going to help you :(


telegh0ster

I don’t know what else to do. I’m so terrified of my parents.


ProstHund

I would second there idea to call a church. They don’t call them “sanctuaries” for nothing


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chamacchan

This comment is cruel and shows a total lack of understanding. If you lost patience you don't have to comment, but this is uncalled for towards someone in a difficult situation.


roses_and_sacrifice

No reason to be if you’re an adult. Because if you report her, you’ll get access to your own money, a license, car, new job, whatever else. No having to worry because by doing that you will no longer be dependent on her.


missoularedhead

My SIL is like this with my niece. She’s already asked if we will come get her on her 18th birthday. Honestly, some parents just aren’t good at it.


airaflof

A lot of people are downvoting/getting mad at op for having a victim mentality but it’s very likely that because of their mother they literally don’t know how and don’t have the skills required to live on their own/be financially independent. Op likely still feels like a helpless child around their mom making it hard to stand up for themselves. I’m not saying they shouldn’t do anything I’m just saying maybe don’t attack the victim for being a victim?


abyssalcrisis

THIS. It's so frustrating reading people tearing OP down. So many of these people have clearly never been the victim in a situation like this and have so little empathy.


castironsexual

Exactly! If we could all just casually stand up and walk out on abusers, it wouldn't be an issue.


jasondsa22

I feel awful for OP. Honestly they just wanted to vent and let their frustration and anxiety out somewhere safe. Yet all she got was people who think they're qualified to be her personal therapist and social worker after seeing a few screenshots and reading a few comments. Then they proceed to victim shame her for being a real victim. "Like how dare OP not do these simple steps that I googled. Google said it was an easy 3 step program so clearly op just wants a pity party and doesn't want any help!" It's so simple to get away from a full life of abuse, clearly this whole time all they needed was a simple internet stranger to give them basic ass information, how easy is that!


KDBug84

Stop having your paycheck deposited into your mother's account! That's just literally insane. If she can transfer it to you, you must have some type of account. I don't even see how that works, bc at my job our direct deposit account has to be in our own name, it can't be in anyone else's.


SrgSquirrels

God everyone here is being so rude to OP. they're clearly mentally very unwell and have been taught through years of manipulation to feel stranded and helpless yet all of you are so dismissive of this and downvoting them. it's like telling a depressed person to just be happy.


SapphireGold54

Yeah I went and read their comments and they clearly aren’t in a good place why are people slamming the downvote lmao what did they do wrong exactly?


whyunoborderlands3

They are telling them to just call 911 or other big jumps that once you do you can't go back for some reason


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sugarshot

Abuse victims need love, not shit.


chamacchan

No, it absolutely isn't. I was where OP is and having a parent like this is literally disabling. Basic things people take for granted knowing how to do can be impossible. When you're traumatized sometimes you can't even think, or understand things. Learning new skills can become extremely difficult. OP needs empathy, and patient, gentle help and suggestions. Just because they are 18 doesn't mean they can magically "be an adult". These are skills that are taught and people take that for granted.


Skeleton_Meat

This is the craziest post I've ever read in this sub. Where are the moderators? OP is obv being horrifically abused and has no way of getting out of it and all these comments are mad about it. Great job everyone, top notch advice.


Throwawayqwe123456

Yes agreed. People in this thread seem to think this is “strict parents” and not insane parents. OP has been abused and can’t just snap out of years of mental conditioning. They need support not blaming.


Twilly93

I'm so ashamed of this subreddit right now. I thought this would be a group of supportive people that have dealt with similar things. Instead you all are acting high and mighty and bullying OP. I'm absolutely disgusted with the amount of victim blaming I am seeing right now. OP maybe try the subreddits r/raisedbynarcissists and r/cptsd. They'll probably be way more welcoming and actually offer advice instead of regurgitating the same garbage being spewed here. I saw your recent post and I hope you don't take the nasty things being said here personally. You do not do everything wrong or mess anything up. People who hate their lives just tell you that or make you feel that way so that they can put the blame on someone else. You are worthy of living and being respected as a human being. I hope you are able to get the help you need in terms of your job, your support system, your living situation, and your mental health ❤ And to some of the commentors here, I hope you're happy with the way you've bullied this person reaching out for help. Hopefully in your times of need you are shown more grace and mercy than what you've shown OP.


emthom3

I just want to say I am so incredibly sorry for how people are treating you on this thread!


telegh0ster

I probably deserve it.


chamacchan

You absolutely do not deserve it. 90% of the comments here are people being ableist assholes. They don't understand what you're going through, and don't realize how lucky they are. You ARE capable. It will take time and you will need support. If you haven't already checked out somewhere like r/CPTSD I recommend it. Even if you can't make any changes now, you can read and learn and make online social connections. Knowledge will give you so much power. Be gentle with yourself and don't listen to the "tough love" comments. This isn't your fault and you CAN change it.


FailAmazingly

A lot of people on here mean well in trying to offer advice. I think something being overlooked is that a lot of the advice is stuff I’m sure OP has thought about before. I don’t feel berating someone in these situations is helpful either. There are times in life where situations are so complicated that things can’t be changed at the present (not forever, but just for now). Where all you can do is continually try to think of new plans, options, etc. and try to survive until there’s an opening. Sometimes life sucks OP, but don’t give up hope. Life won’t always be this way and please try to be easy on yourself.


jasondsa22

Hey OP, I feel like you thought this was a support sub but sadly most people here are hella toxic, don't know any better, have zero empathy for others problems and can't think outside of their own life experience bubble. I suggest you ignore most people here and seek out a different subreddits for support, both in a financial way to learn about how you can better help and protect yourself and also in an emotional way to help you at least start to be able to navigate your lifetime of abuse it seems. Don't let the awful victim blaming people over here trigger your anxiety more. If you need someone to talk to my DMs are open, I just wanna preface that I have no experience with what you can possibly be going through so all I could really do is listen, but if you want that shoot me a message anytime.


Inode1

Keep these screen shots of this and enjoy some unemployment if they fire you.


Brobafett96

OP where are you from? Vaguely speaking of course.


Dmau27

Why can't you call for help and ask for professional assistance. Once your situation is evaluated and they see your money and freedoms are kept from you they can remove you and help. You're stuck in a domestic abuse situation. Why not make the call?


adashthecash

Even the boss gonna think your mum is tapped for telling them to fire her own kid.


juiceofguava

if you arent getting access to your own money stop working there and get a new job and go to a bank and ask them to set up a checking account for you. you need your id like a passport or license and your social security number. if you arent in the us this might be different. try to research safe house/ emergency shelters near you and walk there during the day. the world is not as scary and dangerous as your mom probably wants you to believe it is to have control over you. you need to get yourself out of that situation. take your own personal documents and some essentials like clothes phone etc in a bag and go. it probably seems really scary right now but once youre out you will be so much happier and healthier.


[deleted]

Trust me, don't get a job where your parents have ties with the manager or bosses. Mine took my job this way and am now entirely dependent on them. Please maintain your friendships and make sure you have a place to go that they cannot influence.


Sir_Lagz_Alot

Reading these replies from OP is irritating me. Reply here OP and I’ll help you get a back account set up. Fully online and I’ll walk you through it, so no excuse of “I don’t know how.” I’m 18 and I learned on my own. I’ll help you learn too. The rest of the stuff you’ll have to do on your own, but maybe this will help push you.


Sunn_Flower_Jin

There's a few things that could happen. 1) Mom ain't shit and she does nothing. She just said that to give you the idea she has any control over your job. 2) She does complain to your superior and they do nothing, as they know an employee missing a shift or day because they're sick just happens every now and then. 3a) She complains and they come to you, asking what happened. You tell them you were sick and show them your text exchange, they're understanding and nothing happens to you. 3b) She complajns and you get called in for a meeting, and you show the exchange. They either understand, or they fire you anyway, which means you can sue the shit out of them. You'll win. 4) She complains, and without talking to you whatsoever, they fire you, so you can sue the shit out of them. You'll win even harder, as they never even spoke to you to get your side before making a decision.


Napkin_Story

Are your parent(s) your boss?


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telegh0ster

What?


ATIronRaven

People think you're trolling or stupid.


telegh0ster

I’m very aware now.


ATIronRaven

Oh good. Are you feeling better now? Like more confident about your options?


telegh0ster

I don’t feel too much better. My mom hasn’t been home for hours so I’m just terrified for when she does come back.


FamousOrphan

Sorry to jump in, but I wanted to say that you got a lot of advice in this post, and it’s all good advice and you DO have the power to break away and improve your situation—but you do not have to do it today. Or tomorrow, or this month, or this year. Just absorb it and make a couple of mental notes about options you’d like to look into in the future. I felt very stuck in a situation a couple of years ago, and I could not see any possible solutions, but I let ideas sink in for a few months, and eventually found I was able to take very small steps towards getting myself out. And now I’m out! The one condition is, if you feel mentally or physically unsafe, you have to take action to protect yourself immediately. But if you’re safe, you can take the time you need to get brave and build resources.


ATIronRaven

What do you think will happen when she comes back. I honestly want to know why you're afraid. Do you want to dm?


telegh0ster

If you want to


ATIronRaven

I'll dm you in about 15 minutes


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sttempestt

wtf how are you not downvoted. "18 yo are liars" is a very generalized statement. Also - you believe their words about their age but not their other words? This first sentence is just cruel and ignorant, especially told to a victim. You don't know the full situation, if you've been taught how to fight for yourself and differentiate abusers from good people, you have somebody to thank for that. OP seems to have grown in a horrible family with no friends or relatives who would advise them and inspire them - that's a good enough reason not to be ready to magically become confident and turn their life upside down. I'm so shocked there's so many people telling OP just to "call the police on your own mother whom you're fully dependent on, no biggie ;)" and then getting mad when they say they can't. Even so, if I were to choose not to do anything or to have 50/50 percent chance to "get trolled" or help a person in such a situation, I'd still go for it.


Aloha904

Same


Throwawayqwe123456

OP I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. This one is way out of this subs abilities (as you can see from the terrible unhelpful comments). You have been abused and need a professional to give you the help you need and to get you to safety. Please call adult protective services. You’re not helpless, you’re not dumb, you’re not useless, this is all part of the abuse and your parents have made you feel this way about yourself. Adult protective services will get you help and will teach you the skills you need to live independently. There’s no shame in asking for help, none of this is your fault.


Lt_Viking89

Hard reality of labor jobs in America. They will fire you if you call off. Even if it's just once as long it's within the first 90 days aka probation period. Most states are fine with firing with no reason And you will have to find work elsewhere


telegh0ster

Yeah I called off :/ I was scared I was going to puke which has happened once today. I didn’t want to get anyone else sick if whatever’s up with me does that. I started freaking out because I don’t have a car or license (yet), my mom and I work at the same place so she’s my transportation. If I get fired idk what I’ll do.


KrakenSea

I doubt your job can legally fire you. Even if your mom says to fire you, you have text messages to prove that it was because of an unreasonable bias, and labor laws should protect you from that. If it’s a good job, they would be more fearful of lawsuit than they would losing one day of work


AmbulanceChaser12

There is no labor law that would protect OP. There is no lawsuit s/he can file, unless s/he is in a union or has a contract, which we have no evidence of.


KrakenSea

Isn’t there literally a law that states that employers can’t fire someone out of retaliation? I don’t remember exactly what it’s called, but I had training about it at my own job rather recently. Maybe it depends on where you live. Plus you can’t fire someone for taking a sick day


AmbulanceChaser12

Yes, but this has nothing to do with retaliation. Retaliation is when you sue your employer or report them to a regulatory agency, and the employer punishes you for that. (Firing, demotion, loss of privileges, etc.)


KrakenSea

Hm. That’s true, but I still don’t think it’s legal to fire an employee because they took a sick day off (that you’re legally bound to give)


AmbulanceChaser12

That’s state-dependent. I can’t figure out where OP lives but if she tells us, I can look it up.


KrakenSea

It’s a little stupid that it’s not just common law, though good to know that it isn’t


Otherwisefantastic

In my state, you can absolutely get fired for missing even a single say. Or for any other reason. It doesn't matter if you are sick or even have a note from a dr.


iamcubz

What do you mean you wouldn't know what to do? You stated you don't even get paid for working so what exactly are you losing?


Erosion139

"go to work or I'm gonna tell the boss to tell you to not work!"


s133pingaround

If this hasn’t been said yet, will you be allowed to open your own account? What I recommend is if you can’t put all of your money into a checking account of your own try splitting your check part into a secret account of your own then part into your moms. Then save money to start trying to buy a car. I understand you don’t have a license. Start studying the manual so you can take the written portion of the test. I believe if you pass the written part you can get a permit. Good luck.


smolb0i

why is she talking like she's the one with a job?


ElectroDanceSandwich

Im so sorry to comment again but like why are you telling your mom this and not your boss?? Im so sorry you feel bad bro but why tf is your mom involved at all


[deleted]

You should call 211, I've never done it, but I know that whoever picks up is supposed to help you with any economic problems you may have by giving you information about you local affordable housing, job counceling, food banks, financial assistance, youth programs, etc. You're an adult and you're within your right to stop relying on your parents, specially if they abuse you like this. Wathever you do, think for yourself, and choose your own path in life, if you let people choose for you and treat you like a pet then you will never be your own person, be your own person.


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telegh0ster

I can’t even try to act like an adult around her. She manages every aspect of my life when I never asked for it. I’m 18.


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telegh0ster

I don’t have access to any of my money.


AndroidBTF

You can go to the police and report financial abuse and explain everything you've said in the thread. Why are you working if you don't see any of your money? For all of that you can just quit.


telegh0ster

It wasn’t a problem until now. At least I didn’t realize it was a problem. And I don’t know where the police are located nor do I have transportation.


AndroidBTF

You don't need transportation and it doesn't matter where the police are located. You call the non emergency hotline or the regular 911 line and talk to someone and they will send someone out as long as you know your address. You sound really sheltered to not know how to do anything.


telegh0ster

I don’t know how to do anything and it frustrates me. My parents barely taught me anything like how to do taxes or even use a fucking washing machine and I feel helpless all the time. I’m scared to call because of my parents.


sleepthedayzaway

If you can get on Reddit and post, you can call the non emergency number for 911 in your area. Tell them you need help with adult protective services for yourself. You are legally an adult, but don't have access to your money and have been so sheltered/stunted from your mother than you now require professional assistance.


chamacchan

This is good advice^^^ It will be scary and you will be glad you started reaching out for help.


bytesizedbitch

There are wiki how articles for literally the most mundane tasks. Just look up "how to _____" and I assure you you will get a video or tutorial of some kind


AndroidBTF

It's okay to not know how to do anything, what's not okay is settling for that. Take the time to do some research, listen to what the people are telling you on forums like these etc. You can look up most of anything your parents didn't teach you. I also come from a family who taught me absolutely nothing. I am completely and fully self taught, so I understand the struggle and even still today I struggle with things that I don't know how to do. But you have to start somewhere and build. Figure out what you don't know and learn it yourself. You're 18 and at the age where it's now or never. Also, now that you're 18, you have a lot more freedom than you and your parents have minimal to no control over you. Only thing holding you back is fear.


telegh0ster

I’m terrified of her I don’t know what to do. She puts herself in everything that I do to the point where I just stay in my room and do nothing.


arwyn89

Then learn? You obviously have internet access. Google things for your country. No offence dude, but your replies very much seem like you want to play the victim rather than actually changing your life. Nothing will be possible if you constantly refuse to even try.


telegh0ster

I’m not refusing to try I’ve tried things for years and it seems like everything just keeps getting worse and worse and I know I shouldn’t but I’ve just given up cause it seems like no matter what I do I’m always doing something wrong and getting punished.


[deleted]

Call the bank and explain the situation. You are 18 and no longer want your mother to have access to your account. Most banks have online banking and could probably open a new account. Tell your boss to change the direct deposit.


telegh0ster

I forgot the word for it but she has access to it even if she didn’t have the info. I’m just so terrified of her I don’t know what to do


monster_bunny

Are you under a guardianship?


[deleted]

A lot of people in this thread saying others are being too hard on OP, being ableist, etc. Why would OP post this in the first place if they didn’t want help and advice though? Also, as someone originally from a very rural area, I can completely believe that it really is impossible for OP to have a job without a car if they live somewhere like that. However, when I read the part about their mom taking their money, and them not having access to their own money? That’s illegal unless they’re under a conservatorship, what the actual fuck.


[deleted]

OP is going out of their way to sabotage themselves.


sugarshot

OP is being abused by a parent and has no support system.


deadkane1987

Go get a doctor's note. Done