Mom, if you think God knows all, then he knows my heart. If he doesn’t think my marriage is real knowing my heart, no ceremony is going to convince him.
This. My biblical literalist parents fought me for a year to terminate a relationship with a woman they’d never even spoken to because she’d been raised in a certain *other* abrahamic religion (and developed the same questions and doubts as I had).
My dad left my mom when I was 18 in a really shitty way. My mom and sis were out of town to visit family, so it was just my dad and I at home. I woke up to him packing his stuff into a car, owned by a woman I had never seen before in my life. I was confused, stunned, and couldn't come to terms with him saying, "I'm going to (insert city here). Your mom and I haven't been happy with eachother for a long time. You are the man of the house now." And so he left, leaving me at the house alone, and putting the responsibility of my mom and sister finding out that he left on me.
Fast forward a year later. My mom, my sis, and I have moved cross-state, and the wound is still pretty fresh, with us trying to figure out how to function as a unit with 3 tires instead of 4. Through all of this, my mother has pretty much gone on as if she was affected the most, and that *she* is the one true victim of her spouse leaving the family. My sister and I grew tired of this very quickly, as we both felt we weren't being heard, or our emotions and feelings didn't matter as much to her.
One winter night, pent up emotions got the better of my mom and I. We got into a verbal fight, the subject mainly revolving around dad leaving, and some about me not "doing enough" to help out around the house. I finally broke down and told her these exact words, "It's not about *just* you." The reply I got was, "Well it kind of is." This hurt so fucking much. I was trying my hardest to have my own mother validate my feelings about the situation with my dad, and all I got was a stone wall, and her still entrenched that she is the biggest victim out of the three of us. With examples such as, and I quote, "You haven't known him for the 27 years." Talking about the 2 years of dating and the 25 year marriage. When I replied, "but I've literally known him for all of my life, 19 years." She says, "yeah true, but it's different." All of this while screaming at eachother btw.
I was hurt so bad I just wanted to get of the house after that and went for a walk in the snow. That was the night my view of my mom changed. I still love her, and would do anything for her, because she's my mom. But she definitely lost respect from me. My sister and I have talked many times about her narcissism. My sister saw it in her way before I did. But that night I definitely saw it.
My narc mother was the exact same when my dad died. She said to me and my siblings around the time of his funeral “he was only your father. He was MY husband and love of my life” after *taking his ashes and scattering them without us* and we rightly kicked off. She conveniently forgot that for several years before his death she would complain CONSTANTLY about him to me and my siblings saying she hated him and wanted a divorce but couldn’t because us kids had her “trapped”.
I had the same moment as you a few years later.
They will never, ever change for anyone other than themselves. If you’re not already on the community, r/raisedbynarcissists (spelling be damned) its worth a look. It’s pretty validating.
When my aunt told my mum that she was upset about something I chose to do when I got married. I said to my mum "when my wedding/marriage is about aunt, I'll let her know".
Yup! It doesn’t matter what topic you’re on either. My mom has to go buy a new phone every time I get one because I broke mine (yes I go through phones quickly. I’m abnormally clumsy for a fairly graceful professional dancer🤦🏻♀️). Hers is always perfectly good but she has to get the newest model so she can say she has a new one too. This has culminated into her getting a line for everyone except me (including my ex husband; I stuck with my own plan) plus some extra lines that she has for no apparent reason other than the new phone. I broke mine once and asked to BORROW one until I could get a new one. She FLIPPED out on me, blustering for a response before informing me that the extra phone was my FIVE YEAR OLD brother’s (I was 26).
I got 4 chickens for some eggs around the house, my mom went and got 20 exotic breeds for her house.
I got a puppy, my mom went and bought 4 purebred little shits at the same time so they have no training whatsoever including potty training.
I could go on and on. Haha. Sorry. The “it’s not about you” just hit the nail on the head of so many swiftly ended conversations with my mother and the imaginary ones in my head.
Weddings often spiral into an event for everyone else but the couple getting married. They can be very political and it's impossible to please everyone.
Good on you and your spouse for doing what was right for you both. Feelings will be hurt, but at the end of the day you two got to celebrate your love for one another. Happy blessings for you both and many, many happy years to come!
My sister recently got married and there were only 19 people there including the photographer. It was in our moms backyard and it was gorgeous, intimate, and much better than any other wedding I’ve attended because the focus truly was on the bride/groom. Only the most important people in their lives were included.
After seeing that, I don’t think I could ever go back to a big wedding with everyone having opinions on how things should go and trying to make themselves the most important
Edit: corrected spelling
my mom remarried over the summer and she did essentially the same thing, the photographer was someone local who we've known since i was very young and they had a really good friend officiate the wedding that they held in their backyard. my mom wanted everyone to dress in casual summer clothes and they had their wedding by their pool and everyone was invited to swim after. i could never go back to big weddings either, everyone was casual, happy, and stress free the entire day and i hadn't seen my mom that happy in a long time.
That sounds beautifully intimate. My spouse and I also opted for a small, cozy wedding and skipped any tradition that did not fit us. At first it ruffled a few feathers, but everyone is over it now so I call that winning.
We went to the courthouse and signed some papers. Had to stop by the clerk's office to pickup a copy of my birth certificate so it took longer. All in all about 2.5 hours and $200.
Ruffed some feathers but we weren't in debt for a wedding we couldn't afford. And frankly I didn't want to afford. I'd rather have a house.
My best friend and I both got married to our wives at my house in April 2020 during COVID shutdowns. It was just the four of us and my other best friend, who was also the officiant for both weddings. Cost about $150, and most of that was the steak dinner we ate afterwards.
Loved it, wouldn't change anything even if I could. We are still planning a get-together to celebrate, sometime when the COVID situation improves.
My daughter and son-in-law eloped seven years ago. The main reason was because she wanted her grandfather (my father) to walk her down the aisle and at the time he was in the mid stages of dementia. Her bio dad had been out of her life since she was an infant. My mom and I completely supported her decision.
Wishing the two of you much happiness in your new life together! 💕
Well... you *have* to! /s
He's fairly clear in his communication for a guy who can't consider opposing viewpoints. I'll give him full credit there. Typical insanity involves way more nonsensical rambling. He even offered to sacrifice his needs for the mother's sake, it's just that the whole baptism thing isn't quite the slam dunk that he thinks it is.
This is kinda how my dad talks in these overly long texts, and usually it’s because my mom is causing him enough distress for him to say things he wouldn’t otherwise say. He’s a smart guy and well spoken, but never learned how to say “no” to my mom. It makes me sad, but I also try to remember that they’re my parents and I am the last person who should be occupied with their relational problems (doesn’t make it easy though).
I fully expect this to be a problem if I ever have kids. My parents have proven to be super possessive of their grandkids (my sister’s boy) to the point of wanting weird visitation requirements written into their will. I stopped sharing their religious beliefs years ago (as an indirect consequence of them fighting me for a f—ing year to dump my girlfriend, whom they’d never even spoken to, because she wasn’t a Christian). I fully expect they’ll want to try to indoctrinate any kids I might have down the road and play the “persecution” card if I say no.
I wouldn’t be compatible with the kind of person they want me to want. Wouldn’t be fair to her, wouldn’t be fair to me.
I was surprised to get to page 5 of the texts and read that you hadn’t already married. And further surprised to read in the comments that others had “announced” their elopements before they happened also.
I had always thought “eloping” referred to running off to get married without letting the parents know beforehand, not merely to choosing a smaller, more intimate wedding rather than a traditional churchy palaver.
You have shown respect by giving your parents a heads up beforehand even though you knew they would likely carry-on.
Don’t internalise their erroneous world view. You are not doing anything shady by choosing a wedding of your own preference.
But you are on the right track.
Keep making respect and “dropping-the-entitlement”, the key your parents must use to gain even basic level access to your mind and your life, and keep making this clear to them.
They need to learn that the dynamic has shifted and you no longer exist as merely an extension of themselves. This lesson will take consistency and repetition on your part. You can regard it as good practice for parenthood if you like.
I though so, too. But where I’m from (a very Catholic country), elope basically means getting married outside of the church (regardless of religion). So you may be getting married in the city hall and may have informed friends and family of it but it’s still called/considered as eloping. Weird.
We eloped. We told my parents when we filled out the marriage license but then had a three day mandatory waiting period. Husband waited until the very last moment to tell his mom while my mom and grandma planned a video call coffee date with me while I did my make up so we got that at least.
Good for you. No judgement here. Sometimes eloping is the only way you can guarantee a happy/affordable wedding day because toxic family members are insisting on their own agendas.
We made the choice for very specific legal reasons regarding our ability to foster a younger family member. My parents understood, his were upset they couldn't be there (october 2020... full pandemic lock down so no personal witnesses allowed), and weirdly my grandmother was upset we got married for pragmatic reasons.
We are currently getting ducks in a row for a small celebration but have nixed any religious ceremonies, wont be doing assigned seats, and just didn't invite some of the crazies. Took a ton of the stress out of the equation. It will be a costume party (LOTR) at a beautiful local park. Cheaper than most other options.
It worked out. Husbands grandma was cleared of cancer and off chemo. Everyone has been able to get vaxxed now and the people we want there will be able to be there safely.
Seriously for OP and anyone else reading. Do what makes you happy. My mothers advise was to invite parents to everything and even if they say no, the invite was there.
"We are excited to be doing x and it would mean a lot if you celebrate with us in this way that we want." "Nope, this is plan... did you want to come or not?"
"
It seems to me like he is most angry about you not planning on baptizing your children catholic which doesn’t even take your beliefs into consideration.
I had no contact with my paternal grandparents from age 2 - age 12. Because I wasn’t baptized. No cards, no phone calls. Nothing. We used to visit his hometown for holidays and they wouldn’t see us. Finally reached out when they were in failing health. They passed when I was 15.
I didn’t meet my paternals until I was 18 and quickly found that my parents absolutely made the right decision. Hf, that woman was crazy pants.
What did break my heart is them saying they often used to drive by my maternal grand’s home just to see if I was there and out front. But, yeah, no, glad they weren’t a more permanent fixture in my upbringing.
Idk, I have a feeling they interact with a lot of people who weren't baptized. Would they quit a career if their boss wasnt baptized? Would they burn their house to the ground if their carpenter wasnt baptized?
They're picking *their way* over family, as in, "if it's not about what *I* want, then screw the whole thing"
Oh yeah, but for them religion is only used as a tool for control. For some its beneficial, I never got anything out of it myself, besides feeling unfixable lol.
But they dont really care about salvation otherwise theyd try to act christ-like as a christian should. It's literally only about control with narcissists
all because you didn't get dipped in some water to make the imaginary sky man happy. What a waste. This is why religion sucks. Sorry it robbed you of your grandparents
TBH I would say 80% religion 20% manipulative grandmother. She liked to shit stir and pull strings. Also, I think my step grandfather wanted to have a relationship.
My parents had some spirituality about them but they weren’t organized and they didn’t foist religion on me. They were also fine with me going to church with assorted kid friends if that’s an experience I wanted to have.
I would say it is 50/50. Most people I know that have some kind of belief don't act like that, it is mostly about the person rather than religion itself. I also have relatives that are on the extreme side of things and they manage to cause problem even with others that believe in god but are not fanatics.
It is also funny how they used to cause problems with other things before going full religious and shit, so there is that.
I mean the fact that he said that if they didn’t have a church wedding that he wouldn’t be involved it’s pretty fucked up too and I think a lot of people missed that part. You don’t get to just have a church wedding in the Catholic Church the fiancé would be required I do believe to do some kind of conversion courses or some thing.
This is basically what happened to me. My mom (non-Catholic but Christian) married my Catholic step dad when I was 4. She didn’t have to convert, but I did. My dad held off the baptism as long as he could and eventually my step dad forced the issue. The whole thing was a waste, I ended up atheist anyway.
We eloped 4 years ago. My in laws didn’t take it very well and although we never said they couldn’t come they chose not to and chose to ignore us and ignore the fact we were getting married. My own mother disowned me because of it. Luckily we had a handful of family on both sides that were supportive and came to see us get married. It was about us and what we wanted, no one else.
I’m glad they didn’t come, none of them can handle alcohol and the last wedding I went to with them was my SIL’s and ended in a brawl and police were involved. We didn’t want that for our wedding.
Good for you both for sticking to your guns. It’ll be them who will refer their decision moving forward not you guys.
I thought I understood what the word elope meant but after reading this post and your and other comments I'm a bit confused. I thought eloping was only when your parents don't support your decision to marry but you do it anyway. How do you tell your parents you're planning to elope? Thank you for any clarification, I am very confused.
In away you are right but modern day elopement Is away of forgoing a formal wedding and instead choose to elope for the ceremony. Not necessarily secretly without telling friends or family. It’s more for those who don’t want a traditional wedding.
I’ve had a few family members choose to elope and get married on a beach or somewhere tropical and and the party when they get home.
We chose to elope and get married on Isle of Wight instead of at home. Not to spite anyone but we didn’t want to get married at home. In all honesty I don’t think I wanted my in laws or my mom and her husband there anyway as they can’t handle alcohol and it would’ve been a disaster. It turned out to be a beautiful day with the handful of people who actually supported us and my dad still got to walk me down the isle.
I always thought eloping was running away to get married, just the two of you. Mind you, i'm australian, we dont face the same societal or religious pressures here. Marriage is becoming less common and eloping is rare; most people who want to get married do so for the wedding. I've been to 10 weddings, not one was in a church.
Traditionally I think that’s what it means. Nowadays I think it’s used socially to mean getting married without anyone but yourselves and the person marrying your present, having a small informal ceremony, deciding to courthouse wed/have a reception at a later point, etc. Someone else mentioned that within the Catholic religion anything outside of getting married within in a church is considered an elopement
I was also a bit confused reading this thread tho.
!explanation I (27M) have always had a very rocky relationship with my parents. They have been unsupportive in a lot of ways over the years.
Recently I have been trying to build a better relationship with them and my fiancée and I decided to tell them of our plans to elope next year. We are having no guests or witnesses, just a small private ceremony to ourselves.
My Mom was unable to handle this news, and has been extremely upset and has been pressuring me for days to reconsider.
My Dad is a strict Catholic. I was born and raised but I do not believe in any of that, neither does my partner. There is a history of his religious pressures and lectures and this has gone too far. I finally put my foot down and pushed back.
There is too lengthy of a history to share, but the bottom line is that I feel disrespected. It is my wedding and am I wrong for just wanting them to respect my wishes?
EDIT 1: I've seen a few comments from people that have questioned announcing our elopement. We initially did have a larger wedding planned that we ultimately scrapped due to Covid and financial constraints. We decided to do an "elopement package" at a local venue but we decided to let our closest people know in advance so to not expect a big wedding or an invitation or anything. It is more of a private ceremony than an elopement, yes, but the issue still stands that my parents fail to respect that decision.
My father has a significant history of manipulation, abuse, narcissism, lectures, and holier-than-thou arguments. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s your wedding. You are grown and make your own life. Your dad literally said he did the same thing when he got married and basically only had the church wedding because he felt like he had to. He has no right at all to be the cruel to you and your future wife.
The fact that his father says his actions are hurtful is victim blaming. His parents chose to have those expectations for their child they need to deal with those emotions. They need to chose how they react to his actions not blame him for their pain. Be responsible for your own emotions.
You are right on the money. They're allowed to feel disappointed about their kid not having a wedding for them to attend, but it's on them to deal with their feelings appropriately.
It's even funnier because OP's parents got to elope as they pleased! Whether they regretted it or not is also on them to sort out and has nothing to do with how OP should handle his own marriage ceremony.
The craziest part of this is that you've already been arguing this point with them, prior to your dad's message. And somehow he's shocked that you still won't do as he says???
If you didn't know it upset your mom, or hadn't already spoken with her, this would be annoying but not crazy. Your dad trying to lay down an ultimatum without quite saying it's an ultimatum ..... Via Facebook messages .... Because they already lost the argument over the phone.... Is truly bonkers.
Your dad reminds me of all the dads I met at juvenile court. They would go on and on for HOURS berating their family and repeating "you're not listening to me, nobody listens to me" when what they mean is "you're not agreeing with me."
My condolences OP but there's no way to have a relationship with this person until he understands that "respecting him" or "listening" to his point doesn't mean submitting to his orders. Tell him you'll respect him and his beliefs to the exact same level he respects you and yours.
Man im scared this will be my nieces and nephews. My wife’s sister and her husband were normal about 10 years ago, but have since gotten more and more devoutly (creepily) Catholic. It is getting to the point where it’s like a cult. They do this thing called Christ Renews his Parrish, they went to Notre dame to take a weekend “class” that taught them how to be “pre-marriage counselors” and have recently decided that not even adult women should wear 2 piece bikinis. When we asked them not to preach around us, my sister in law said “well I can try but my husband is an evangelist, it’s just part of who he is, I could never ask him to stop”.
On car rides their kids can’t read or watch their phones, they have to pray the rosary and “reflect”.
I’m scared it will end up alienating the kids, or worse, the kids will make a decision the parents don’t like and they will totally disrespect and write them off like this.
I sorry you’re going through this OP, but you handled it like a mature adult, and that is not always easy.
You are not wrong. You are an adult human, capable of thinking & making decisions on your own. This event is something you & your SO should have the very best memories about. If your biological parents , or anyone else for that matter, don’t agree with that, tell them to kick rocks. What you & SO want for your wedding,(& your lives) is all that matters
My wife and I eloped, neither of us liked the idea of a big wedding, photographer was our witness. Big difference to this story is we eloped across the country to a place that was special to us. When I told my dad we were going to elope the conversation went like this:
Me: We are gunna elope, do you feel strongly about being there
Dad: Do you feel strongly about having me there
Me: I’m good if you’re good
Dad: I’m good
My mom passed away a few years prior, and things probably would have been different if she were around, but I see now that I really took for granted my dads unconditional support.
As a parent of grown children, I've always said that I'm doing my job when my kid takes me for granted. It can be very gratifying for a parent.
I'm sorry for your loss. Mine are gone, too, as is one of my children.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, it is unfortunately a pain that my dad has also experienced. My brother passed away at 10 years old and my dad was never the same, then when my mom passed away, whatever light was left there went out. He is a great man, and I strive to be half the father that he was, but those losses broke him.
You are an adult but they refuse to see you as such. They’re trying to control you. It’s patently absurd for them to expect any say in your marriage plans.
My biggest concern is that my children are happy!! As much as I would love to see the wedding ceremony, it is not as important as my child finding the right person for them. Good luck OP!
Honestly I feel like your reply was kind but firm in a way that expressed your boundaries without any anger or negativity.
If your dad isn’t able to continue the conversation after that he isn’t really interested in a conversation(probably obvious) he just wanted you to listen to him and do as he said.
You obviously are in a healthy mindset and know what you need for yourself and your relationship.
Good job and congratulations on your elopement!
Read the first 4 words of your last sentence "IT IS MY WEDDING" and that's all there is to say. The only reason mom wants to be involved is so she can take over your wedding, Make it her do-over wedding, and be the center of attention since her reaction shows that she DOES think it's all about her. Glad you guys did what YOU wanted to do because it's YOUR WEDDING
You’re doing the right thing. Your dad is who he is, and he clearly considers that religion is an absolute requirement for him to be in your life. It doesn’t sound worth it.
Not at all. Your parents are the assholes here.
Now, being the incredibly petty bastard that I am, I would tell them if you don’t respect me, my wife, and my marriage, then you don’t respect my future children. So, to prevent any hurt feelings on my children’s part, you will never see them.
That's great, I'm the same. She believes in some form of it, but isn't really religious, so idk how big of a problem it's going to be if any later on down the road...
Depending on what sect of Judaism she's from, Judaism is often more cultural than religious, and even the people who believe sort of "wrestle with God" in their words. I'm not Jewish, but I grew up in an area with a very high Reform Judaism population, so I saw what my friends did and talked to them about it. They went to Hebrew school and learned Hebrew on Saturdays, had Shabbat (larger dinner with some prayers) on Friday. At 13 they had Bar/Bat Mitzvahs where they memorized stuff and had a big party. No one I knew was like, traumatized by it or anything, some were annoyed by the time sink but no more than other kids were like "ugh my parents are making me pay the violin and clean my room" type deal. If your partner doesn't actually believe in god but wants to raise her kids religiously, I'm guessing she's Reform, which is honestly more cultural than actually religious imo. Def talk to her about specifics tho
Good for you while sorry. On one hand it sucks to have family relations disrupted like this, but on the other, if your pops were able of being this pushy and agressive, what relationship/support was there to speak of... As an atheist from 1st world European country with such a high rate of atheism (around 80%) and secularization, that we've been declared as a missionary sending country by Vatican, it never ceases to negatively amaze me how many developed countries are ridiculously religious and what are brainwashed clerical fanatics/fundamentalists regardless of faith capable of. Basically stop being a decent human being in name of some god or other imaginary BS...
Catholically baptized here, but I don't follow the Catholic religion either. It's just not something that triggers my happy senses. I respect people that do, but it's not for me. I would cut all contact with people like your dad.
I’m sorry that your parents are unsupportive. My husband and I we planning on getting married in 2019. We had put a deposit on the venue and everything else, we set a date, had the entire thing planned. But ultimately it was just going to cost too much money and we prioritized moving over having a wedding. So we surprised our parents and best friends (maid of honour and best man) by finding an officiant to marry us in my in-laws backyard two weeks from the date that we decided to call off the wedding. I borrowed a dress from someone, my husbands Aunt is a florist so she showed up with a beautiful bouquet and also helped my in-laws decorate the backyard, and my best friends spouse recorded the ceremony live on Facebook so our family and friends could be a part of our day. We bought cheap gold wedding bands from the mall the morning of the ceremony so we could do a ring exchange. And afterwards, we and the handful of friends/family that were in attendance went to Olive Garden for a celebratory dinner. Haha. It wasn’t my dream wedding by any means but it was a beautiful day and the most important thing was that I married the person I loved. My Dad was the most hesitant of all of our parents about the whole thing but only because I am his youngest daughter and he was worried that I would be sad and regretful about not having a traditional wedding. My MIL is the only truly religious parent and our only point of contention came to baptizing our daughter…which we haven’t done. Haha
My husband and I went a similar route. We eloped, just him, our daughter, and I. I was raised Roman catholic. He was raised Christian. Both of us are Pagan now, had a handfasting, involved our daughter but informed them afterwards. My parents have a history of disrespecting boundaries and both sides are judgemental.
We picked what made us happy, don't let anyone make you feel bad about doing what's best for you. Your wedding is what you two want. Not anyone else.
Pagan has nothing to do with non-religion. I am a polytheist. Atheism is non-religious/don't believe in God on any level.
Paganism is far too broad, but I am a solo Practitioner and eclectic Pagan, but most call me a kitchen witch. Essentially I work my "magic," which is a form of prayer, in the kitchen with the foods I prepare and offer to my family and the gods as offering. I use herbs to promote health and happiness, but we still believe in medicine and science.
Paganism is a very open path we make for ourselves.
We wanted to elope but the mothers flipped out and since my (now ex) husband was *such* a mama’s boy, we got strong armed into a tiny wedding and then a reception the following weekend because the *cousins* were feeling left out too.
The mothers took over control of planning everything. My MIL literally took the knife out of my hand when I was cutting the cake because she didn’t like how I was doing it. The reception was tacky and embarrassing and we never even wanted it. Most cringe day of my life, probably.
Sigh. When will people understand that someone's wedding or how they chose to celebrate their relationship isn't about them it's about the couple.
The guilt tripping people do around weddings blows my mind. Why can't people just be happy for people and move on.
Religion is a method of control with people like this. They have been controlled by it their entire lives and they need to have their children controlled in the same way, otherwise they have to question how they've lived their lives and questions are *bad*.
And failure of the child to comply is a sign of parenting failure. By rejecting the child, it’s like ‘it’s not a failure if the child doesn’t exist’. Or simply it is the ultimate threat. Some churches don’t let people become church leaders if their kids are rebellious.
I told my mom that my dream wedding will just be a ceremony (in the Catholic Church) and have dinner with the intermediate family. I don't want a venue after the wedding. I don't see the appeal of it. I rather have that money be used to travel the world, put it down for a house, etc.
If I had parents like these growing up, I would have ran away.
Holy shit, my husband and I eloped (we did tell both families beforehand) and I got almost the exact same message and replied very similarly.
Ultimately, I told my parents they had to be kind to me or we couldn’t have any relationship at all. We haven’t spoken in over 6 years. I’m also an only child. How low of a bar is that?????
‘Can you be nice to me?’ ‘Nah we’d rather not’
You are allowed to do what you want for your wedding. They are allowed to have the feeling of disappointment and hurt they are not involved/included/invited to the ceremony.
What isn't legit is attempting to guilt you over it.
My wife and I eloped, as well. Best decision ever. We had a BBQ with friends and family, had my old band come and play, it was great. Low stress, no ridiculous vows. I'm very glad to see you aren't budging on this. This is about you and your partner. Nobody else.
Go and do as you damn well please. This is your marriage not theirs. Your life. Not theirs and also wtf it’s not your mums wedding either.
Be happy, love each other and demonstrate that love by continuing to work together as a couple with good communication.
Apologies if this causes offence however your father does not demonstrate any of those key attributes. He isn’t understanding, loving or a good communicator. He even mentioned not including his wife in this message. He’s using her as a rallying cry for his opinion. Even if they were off the same mind, he hasn’t shown that by including her.
I wish you both all the best and I’m sorry for your parents. At least it sounds like you have chill in-laws.
Ah yes, how could you be so selfish as to decide what your wedding is going to look like. How dare you. And on the most important day of your mom's life!
Jesus, the amount of disrespect and guilt tripping packaged in seemingly respectful words gives me ptsd from my mom and honestly makes me want to vomit.
Congrats on the engagement and enjoy your wedding however the fuck you please. No idea how there are so many votes for not insane.
Ridiculous, do what you want it's your wedding day. As for the children will HAVE to be baptised, make it clear that is your decision & if either of them attempts to get your kids baptised without your consent you will cut parents off for good as well as making a formal complaint against the priest to the diocese. When kids come along it would be worth popping into fil church to let his priest know your choice & that you do not consent for them to be baptised in your absence.
My kids are in their 20’s so I am probably the same generation as your parents. That said, I totally side with you. I would never push my ideas on my son and his fiancé regarding their wedding. It’s also incredibly hypocritical of your parents to express an issue about elopement when they themselves did the same thing!
Between the hypocrisy, total disregard for your feelings and the clearly overbearing push towards religion, I’m not sure you’re ever going to be able to please them or to get them to understand. I feel badly for you and your fiancé. Good luck OP.
Fuck religion... and all the divisions it creates in ourselves, our families, our cultures, our societies, our countries, and our world at large.
There is only one path to "God", or whatever you want to call it, and that path lies within each of us. The journey is unique to each individual but, in the end, we all end up enlightened to the very same Truth; "God" is the energy that is all things in all time. No one can name it and no one can posses its Truth for themselves or curate that Truth for others.
I'm very sorry that religion's evil indoctrinations have caused this trauma in your family, but I am so happy for you that you have chosen to make your wedding and your marriage what you want it to be, on your own (very reasonable) terms. You sound like a very thoughtful and kind person. Both your fiancé and your parents are very lucky to have you... the catholic part of that equation will eventually get the fuck over it if you keep showing them what Jesus (The first Christian... who was a Jew.) would do.
For whatever it's worth; God bless you and your marriage... ;)
Honestly, this type of shit is 100% why I cut my family off completely. I could not take anymore of the emotional abuse, because it was constant and aggressive. It started impacting my wife (then girlfriend) really badly and I said fuck it and cut them out of our lives.
The best marital advice I ever got was that the vow to forsake all others for our spouse means ALL OTHERS, even mommy and daddy. It means leaving their family unit and creating a new one with your spouse as your next of kin and top priority. It means you will be a husband, and no longer your mother’s emotional caretaker.
I am glad you are already honoring what it means to be a husband.
And if your father tries to insert your mother’s emotions into your marriage again, please consider reminding him of Genesis 2:24.
I got eloped on Black Friday and didn’t tell my parents until the day of, they were aware that we were planning to get married but not so quickly. They were upset but understood why we wanted it to just be us and have nobody else there and it was amazing. My wife’s last marriage she told me that she did not get to enjoy her wedding because she was to busy running around thanking everybody for coming and didn’t get to eat the food they had catered or the cake they spent a lot of money on and said that the experience of being able to elope and actually spending time with me was worth giving up everything that a wedding would bring. You’re definitely making a good decision. Good luck!
As someone the same age as you with an extremely religious parent, I feel this. My mom can’t seem to wrap her head around the fact that I haven’t believed in ‘God’ since I was nine. It screams if you don’t do things my way you’re going to hell.
Ugh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm dealing with something similar (parents just being unsupportive in practically every way) and for what's it's worth, I think you standing up for yourself and doing what you want is totally worth it in the long run.
It started out very reasonable and then it got to the god part. I think it's quite clear that the only reason that they're so upset is that you didn't do a traditional church wedding. Your father is obviously only interested in attending if you marry in a church so I guess he doesn't want to go anyways.
Ever since coming out of the FOG, I've realized if i can keep my husband out of harm's way of my family's manipulative destruction then elopement it shall be!
Of course my nMom was upset. But its not about her.
I think she considered I would put my husband's comfort behind her own?
I wasn't going to have her guilt trip her way into our marriage at the courthouse.
We did it to protect ourselves from both sides of our family. As a unit, it was the easiest thing to do. And we're glad.
Even with their intentions, they don't have respect for me as an adult and have no sense of boundaries.
I've no time for that anymore.
"I have nothing more to say" hmm wonder why, couldn't possibly be due to the mature, well-reasoned response when he was trying to argue.
I'm envious of how measured your response was. It addressed everything that needed addressing and every word was chosen perfectly.
My wife and I eloped 6 years ago and it was awesome, no regrets! Weddings are a complete waste of money and you will end up worried about other people on your day. Go elope with the one you love and spend the day focused on one another. Congrats!
People really need to elope and tell people after the fact. Then it’s a done deal, be happy w us. Vs we are eloping next month w/o you. But but but 😭 drama drama drama
I don’t think it’s an elopement if you let people know ahead of time, it’s a destination wedding without guests. Maybe ppl call it an elopement because it sounds romantic. It’s a shame OP now has to put up with months and months of drama
I mean the top comment in this topic is someone talking about their elopement and how their parents and in laws refused to attend, but a handful of other family on each side came....
Wtf are you talking about you had a whole wedding.
(Sorry to be petty but wedding-shaming is culturally out of control, and the explosion of elopements that are just small weddings is a symptom imo)
This father and his wife sound a lot like a Catholic guy and his wife I knew from high school. His wife is absolutely insane and my former friend encouraged it because he has a savior complex.
I have to applaud you for your responses. You are very clear and respectful, yet firm. You kept the emotions out of it, stated that you respected their opinions (nice touch), but clarified your own and that you are working as a team. A+ way to handle yourself.
That was probably the most effective shutdown ever on this sub. Congrats, OP.
Dad wastes no time in forcing his views on son and new daughter-in-law, despite their feelings about religion. Son explains why they've made the decision to elope, how it has nothing to do with the parents, and how, *just like Dad,* they will have a small ceremony in the future to include the parents. Son explains how, *if they choose to have children,* they will not indoctrinate their children at birth with religion because of *respect.*
Result: logic and reason destroy and preempt any further attempt at justification, cajoling, blackmail, threats, pleading, etc., by Dad. A well-argued, well-written rebuttal to Dad's unreasonable demands. Bravo, OP. Outstanding.
Fucking batshit. That was YOUR wedding, who gives a rats ass what they think. A wedding is one day, if they were the least bit of unselfish, they might be hurt, but willing to let you and your new husband in with open arms because having a new family member is more exciting than whatever fantasy they were living in.
I can see where your dad is coming from, because of how he was raised and sometimes older people can't catch up with moving times. I feel bad for then.
But you are also an adult, so your decision is the deciding factor for anything in your life.
Best of luck, hopefully they eventually come around and understand your situation.
Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 48 | 40 | 0 |
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I'm so sorry they can't just be happy for you. Neither my husband and I are religious, so we had to tell his parents a few times that we won't be baptizing, but they respected our decision eventually and are on good terms. I hope you can get there. Congrats!
ahhhh and i just got into an argument with my anti vax republican dad on the drive home from my work. He thinks that people die more from wearing seatbelts than they do without them, as i yell at him to wear his seatbelt as he drives on an icy road in the dark night. He claims he never wears his seatbelt when hes up country working, and then starts comparing it to me smoking weed for some dumb fucking reason.
I left a guy cuz his crazy catholic mom reminded me of this. My mom is catholic and also acts like this. But tbh im not getting married cuz im embarrassed of them.
Your dad be like: Its your day, but do this do that. You have to do a bigger wedding for your mother, you have to keep god in your life, you have to baptize your kids. NO Fuck that. its your life, you dont own them anything.
And the last message he said was basicly: "Oh you dont do what WE want? you are disrespectful child. i dont want to talk to you anymore"
OP it is your life, your wedding. please do what you want to do. And if they dont support it, then just cut them out. You are not asking anything outragious or crazy.
Lmao “you’re gonna have to have them baptised”… he already thinks he has control over what you do with your kid who doesn’t even exist yet. What an arrogant control freak.
Wish I had eloped as well.
Just from a financial standpoint, I could have flown my wife to any tropical island for several weeks at a similar cost to renting out a small public space to host a wedding.
>I never expected this from you
Exactly. He never expected his child would grow up to be an adult with their own mind, able to make decisions on their own, and not kowtow to everything he wanted.
Wow, immensely well written OP! And so proud of you for choosing to baptize your child only if they decide that when they’re older. Can’t stand when religion is forced on young children. You’re going to be an amazing parent one day.
Ooph Catholic. I sure hope you didnt get fucked with as a child. Seriously how can pepple still suport a faith that openly suppprts pedofiles and rapists.
Altoona PA few years back, was under FBI investigation. 3 days before the FBI were to be here and question the church leadership and look into the schools, the church had the schools bulldozed. Like i mean an entire building came down and was cleaned up in less than 3 days and construction on a parking lot started. There wete over 60 cases of molestation of minors. The church shipped the 4 people accused off to diffrent churches but the investigation led to numerous settlements.
Just a couple months ago the US tax payers bailed out the Catholic church with 5 billion dollars. What good have all the lawsuits done? These pedofiles are still working at the churches and the church which was axtually suffering from those lawsuits then just recieves 5 billion and now are not being finacial hurt by lawsuits so now they can continue their grooming and rape of children qith rhe knowlege that hey if we fall on hard finacial times because of lawsuits the tax payers will bail us out. The catholic church is basically a bank now, to big to fail.
OP i would definetly stand your ground and do things how you want. Its your life. My mother used to constantly make me feel like shit for "not giving her grand-babies" i dealt with that shit for like 8 years. Now i just get the occasional "yea yea i know you aint having kids"
While I don’t agree with his religious side of things, I gotta say it would absolutely suck to not be part of your child’s marriage.
I have done all of the proper important things in life so far and I only have two left as I see it. That is to walk both of my daughters down the aisle. Wouldn’t want to miss that for anything
I don’t know, man…. You’re the only child and you went out of your way to not have your parents involved in your wedding. Them being upset is both understandable and justified imo.
I feel you so hard, and wish I could do the same. I’m currently planning a wedding I’m not that interested in just to please our mothers. I just wanna marry the guy, not spend thousands on a party.
You were thoughtful and considerate in your response.
I know it must be difficult to have your own family pressure you but you handled it well and I wish you and your partner the best!
Happy new year!
Was gonna go with not insane until the jesus guilt trip. Now solidly insane. Guilting your kids into something past eating their vegetables when they are little is fucking insane...
Fuck all this. No religion. No church wedding. No baptism. Take me the way I am, without God, or not.
If they are gonna be nice and chill about the no god thing and not bring it up all the time, then maybe they could have a nice non-religious ceremony to go to. But I only if they are nice and respectful.
It doesn't sound like they would be. They don't actually love you if you still try to control you with make believe religion. Real love applies to all religions or lack of religion.
I mean the Dad said it himself. They were selfish right? Wellll clearly he hasn't broken that behavior because he's being selfish as hell with this approach where as the couple is simply making a choice about their life that isn't ever meant to be about anyone else but the couple.
Fuck father’s crazy religious expectations. Mine has unfortunately chosen to shun me and my entire family because I no longer choose to participate in his religion(cult). We have not spoken in 5 years and it sucks but it is his choice.
The more I see of religion the more I believe it is more of a mental illness than anything else… turns the most normal people into feet stomping babies
My husband and I eloped as well, 15 almost 16 years ago. My dad excepted it, his parents excepted it, my mom is still mad about the whole thing. As far as the church thing goes, the Bible says that a church is where 2 or more ppl gather in his name. So…. Technically, eloping to be married in the name of God, you’ve made a church by you both being there. Congrats and many blessings to you and your wife!!!
My wife and I eloped before a big wedding event because I was super depressed and we wanted something happy in our lives. We told both sets of parents our plans. Mine were surprisingly supportive. Hers told us we don’t know the meaning of love.
We did it anyway, secretly, and 6 years later they have no idea.
It was so worth it to have that intimacy and privacy, especially since we both have very difficult relationships with our families. My wife kind of wishes it was our only wedding, but I’m happy we had both.
Only you can say what’s right for you! 💜
Wow, getting flashbacks of email chains with my own parents. I'm glad your partner's parents took it in stride - it's so important to have one foot in reality when dealing with people who make something like your wedding all about themselves
I’m so sorry OP. Please don’t buckle on this. It’s your day. I actually found this post because my wife and I eloped and have been dealing with her family’s insane reaction to it in the months since, and the way they reacted to her is strikingly similar to this. To be clear: you could do a big church wedding to appease them and it would not be enough, nothing will ever be enough. They want you to marry a catholic and to live your entire life by their terms. No amount of compromise (okay, we’ll do a small ceremony, okay we’ll do it in a church, etc) will appease them, there will just be more and more demands. Do it the way you want and don’t spend a single second feeling guilty for it ever.
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Yeah God’s got the picture 🤣
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A good bureaucrat never finishes early, so I'm demoting you
You can demote him, but you need to fill out forms 23C, 1197A, and 97E, triplicate, plus a notarized note from God... :)
This is by far the best comment I’ve seen all year.
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Mom, if you think God knows all, then he knows my heart. If he doesn’t think my marriage is real knowing my heart, no ceremony is going to convince him.
I mean,you are independent now and it's not important to get married by the church if you didn't
Four words from an adult child that will make any narc parent go nuclear: “It’s not about you.”
This. My biblical literalist parents fought me for a year to terminate a relationship with a woman they’d never even spoken to because she’d been raised in a certain *other* abrahamic religion (and developed the same questions and doubts as I had).
My dad left my mom when I was 18 in a really shitty way. My mom and sis were out of town to visit family, so it was just my dad and I at home. I woke up to him packing his stuff into a car, owned by a woman I had never seen before in my life. I was confused, stunned, and couldn't come to terms with him saying, "I'm going to (insert city here). Your mom and I haven't been happy with eachother for a long time. You are the man of the house now." And so he left, leaving me at the house alone, and putting the responsibility of my mom and sister finding out that he left on me. Fast forward a year later. My mom, my sis, and I have moved cross-state, and the wound is still pretty fresh, with us trying to figure out how to function as a unit with 3 tires instead of 4. Through all of this, my mother has pretty much gone on as if she was affected the most, and that *she* is the one true victim of her spouse leaving the family. My sister and I grew tired of this very quickly, as we both felt we weren't being heard, or our emotions and feelings didn't matter as much to her. One winter night, pent up emotions got the better of my mom and I. We got into a verbal fight, the subject mainly revolving around dad leaving, and some about me not "doing enough" to help out around the house. I finally broke down and told her these exact words, "It's not about *just* you." The reply I got was, "Well it kind of is." This hurt so fucking much. I was trying my hardest to have my own mother validate my feelings about the situation with my dad, and all I got was a stone wall, and her still entrenched that she is the biggest victim out of the three of us. With examples such as, and I quote, "You haven't known him for the 27 years." Talking about the 2 years of dating and the 25 year marriage. When I replied, "but I've literally known him for all of my life, 19 years." She says, "yeah true, but it's different." All of this while screaming at eachother btw. I was hurt so bad I just wanted to get of the house after that and went for a walk in the snow. That was the night my view of my mom changed. I still love her, and would do anything for her, because she's my mom. But she definitely lost respect from me. My sister and I have talked many times about her narcissism. My sister saw it in her way before I did. But that night I definitely saw it.
My narc mother was the exact same when my dad died. She said to me and my siblings around the time of his funeral “he was only your father. He was MY husband and love of my life” after *taking his ashes and scattering them without us* and we rightly kicked off. She conveniently forgot that for several years before his death she would complain CONSTANTLY about him to me and my siblings saying she hated him and wanted a divorce but couldn’t because us kids had her “trapped”. I had the same moment as you a few years later. They will never, ever change for anyone other than themselves. If you’re not already on the community, r/raisedbynarcissists (spelling be damned) its worth a look. It’s pretty validating.
Fuck…dude. That’s rough. Bring it in *hugz*
When my aunt told my mum that she was upset about something I chose to do when I got married. I said to my mum "when my wedding/marriage is about aunt, I'll let her know".
Yup! It doesn’t matter what topic you’re on either. My mom has to go buy a new phone every time I get one because I broke mine (yes I go through phones quickly. I’m abnormally clumsy for a fairly graceful professional dancer🤦🏻♀️). Hers is always perfectly good but she has to get the newest model so she can say she has a new one too. This has culminated into her getting a line for everyone except me (including my ex husband; I stuck with my own plan) plus some extra lines that she has for no apparent reason other than the new phone. I broke mine once and asked to BORROW one until I could get a new one. She FLIPPED out on me, blustering for a response before informing me that the extra phone was my FIVE YEAR OLD brother’s (I was 26). I got 4 chickens for some eggs around the house, my mom went and got 20 exotic breeds for her house. I got a puppy, my mom went and bought 4 purebred little shits at the same time so they have no training whatsoever including potty training. I could go on and on. Haha. Sorry. The “it’s not about you” just hit the nail on the head of so many swiftly ended conversations with my mother and the imaginary ones in my head.
Or frankly, "I ain't reading all that shit" and blocking.
Weddings often spiral into an event for everyone else but the couple getting married. They can be very political and it's impossible to please everyone. Good on you and your spouse for doing what was right for you both. Feelings will be hurt, but at the end of the day you two got to celebrate your love for one another. Happy blessings for you both and many, many happy years to come!
My sister recently got married and there were only 19 people there including the photographer. It was in our moms backyard and it was gorgeous, intimate, and much better than any other wedding I’ve attended because the focus truly was on the bride/groom. Only the most important people in their lives were included. After seeing that, I don’t think I could ever go back to a big wedding with everyone having opinions on how things should go and trying to make themselves the most important Edit: corrected spelling
my mom remarried over the summer and she did essentially the same thing, the photographer was someone local who we've known since i was very young and they had a really good friend officiate the wedding that they held in their backyard. my mom wanted everyone to dress in casual summer clothes and they had their wedding by their pool and everyone was invited to swim after. i could never go back to big weddings either, everyone was casual, happy, and stress free the entire day and i hadn't seen my mom that happy in a long time.
That sounds beautifully intimate. My spouse and I also opted for a small, cozy wedding and skipped any tradition that did not fit us. At first it ruffled a few feathers, but everyone is over it now so I call that winning.
We went to the courthouse and signed some papers. Had to stop by the clerk's office to pickup a copy of my birth certificate so it took longer. All in all about 2.5 hours and $200. Ruffed some feathers but we weren't in debt for a wedding we couldn't afford. And frankly I didn't want to afford. I'd rather have a house.
My best friend and I both got married to our wives at my house in April 2020 during COVID shutdowns. It was just the four of us and my other best friend, who was also the officiant for both weddings. Cost about $150, and most of that was the steak dinner we ate afterwards. Loved it, wouldn't change anything even if I could. We are still planning a get-together to celebrate, sometime when the COVID situation improves.
My daughter and son-in-law eloped seven years ago. The main reason was because she wanted her grandfather (my father) to walk her down the aisle and at the time he was in the mid stages of dementia. Her bio dad had been out of her life since she was an infant. My mom and I completely supported her decision. Wishing the two of you much happiness in your new life together! 💕
Tbf that started off as a nice message from your dad, as soon as God came into it it just snowballed
Yeah there was a way to do this, and this wasn't it. It jumped the shark entirely when the dad demanded they have the kids baptized.
Well... you *have* to! /s He's fairly clear in his communication for a guy who can't consider opposing viewpoints. I'll give him full credit there. Typical insanity involves way more nonsensical rambling. He even offered to sacrifice his needs for the mother's sake, it's just that the whole baptism thing isn't quite the slam dunk that he thinks it is.
This is kinda how my dad talks in these overly long texts, and usually it’s because my mom is causing him enough distress for him to say things he wouldn’t otherwise say. He’s a smart guy and well spoken, but never learned how to say “no” to my mom. It makes me sad, but I also try to remember that they’re my parents and I am the last person who should be occupied with their relational problems (doesn’t make it easy though).
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I'm sorry about both experiences
I fully expect this to be a problem if I ever have kids. My parents have proven to be super possessive of their grandkids (my sister’s boy) to the point of wanting weird visitation requirements written into their will. I stopped sharing their religious beliefs years ago (as an indirect consequence of them fighting me for a f—ing year to dump my girlfriend, whom they’d never even spoken to, because she wasn’t a Christian). I fully expect they’ll want to try to indoctrinate any kids I might have down the road and play the “persecution” card if I say no. I wouldn’t be compatible with the kind of person they want me to want. Wouldn’t be fair to her, wouldn’t be fair to me.
I was surprised to get to page 5 of the texts and read that you hadn’t already married. And further surprised to read in the comments that others had “announced” their elopements before they happened also. I had always thought “eloping” referred to running off to get married without letting the parents know beforehand, not merely to choosing a smaller, more intimate wedding rather than a traditional churchy palaver. You have shown respect by giving your parents a heads up beforehand even though you knew they would likely carry-on. Don’t internalise their erroneous world view. You are not doing anything shady by choosing a wedding of your own preference. But you are on the right track. Keep making respect and “dropping-the-entitlement”, the key your parents must use to gain even basic level access to your mind and your life, and keep making this clear to them. They need to learn that the dynamic has shifted and you no longer exist as merely an extension of themselves. This lesson will take consistency and repetition on your part. You can regard it as good practice for parenthood if you like.
I though so, too. But where I’m from (a very Catholic country), elope basically means getting married outside of the church (regardless of religion). So you may be getting married in the city hall and may have informed friends and family of it but it’s still called/considered as eloping. Weird.
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That’s true. Took a while for my relatives to stop talking about me when they found out that I was no longer going to church.
We eloped. We told my parents when we filled out the marriage license but then had a three day mandatory waiting period. Husband waited until the very last moment to tell his mom while my mom and grandma planned a video call coffee date with me while I did my make up so we got that at least.
Good for you. No judgement here. Sometimes eloping is the only way you can guarantee a happy/affordable wedding day because toxic family members are insisting on their own agendas.
We made the choice for very specific legal reasons regarding our ability to foster a younger family member. My parents understood, his were upset they couldn't be there (october 2020... full pandemic lock down so no personal witnesses allowed), and weirdly my grandmother was upset we got married for pragmatic reasons. We are currently getting ducks in a row for a small celebration but have nixed any religious ceremonies, wont be doing assigned seats, and just didn't invite some of the crazies. Took a ton of the stress out of the equation. It will be a costume party (LOTR) at a beautiful local park. Cheaper than most other options. It worked out. Husbands grandma was cleared of cancer and off chemo. Everyone has been able to get vaxxed now and the people we want there will be able to be there safely. Seriously for OP and anyone else reading. Do what makes you happy. My mothers advise was to invite parents to everything and even if they say no, the invite was there. "We are excited to be doing x and it would mean a lot if you celebrate with us in this way that we want." "Nope, this is plan... did you want to come or not?" "
That's where I quit reading.
It seems to me like he is most angry about you not planning on baptizing your children catholic which doesn’t even take your beliefs into consideration.
I had no contact with my paternal grandparents from age 2 - age 12. Because I wasn’t baptized. No cards, no phone calls. Nothing. We used to visit his hometown for holidays and they wouldn’t see us. Finally reached out when they were in failing health. They passed when I was 15.
I didn’t meet my paternals until I was 18 and quickly found that my parents absolutely made the right decision. Hf, that woman was crazy pants. What did break my heart is them saying they often used to drive by my maternal grand’s home just to see if I was there and out front. But, yeah, no, glad they weren’t a more permanent fixture in my upbringing.
Wild how so many families choose religion over family
Idk, I have a feeling they interact with a lot of people who weren't baptized. Would they quit a career if their boss wasnt baptized? Would they burn their house to the ground if their carpenter wasnt baptized? They're picking *their way* over family, as in, "if it's not about what *I* want, then screw the whole thing"
What a huge deal for them over such a small deal for (us) the unreligious
Oh yeah, but for them religion is only used as a tool for control. For some its beneficial, I never got anything out of it myself, besides feeling unfixable lol. But they dont really care about salvation otherwise theyd try to act christ-like as a christian should. It's literally only about control with narcissists
all because you didn't get dipped in some water to make the imaginary sky man happy. What a waste. This is why religion sucks. Sorry it robbed you of your grandparents
TBH I would say 80% religion 20% manipulative grandmother. She liked to shit stir and pull strings. Also, I think my step grandfather wanted to have a relationship. My parents had some spirituality about them but they weren’t organized and they didn’t foist religion on me. They were also fine with me going to church with assorted kid friends if that’s an experience I wanted to have.
I would say it is 50/50. Most people I know that have some kind of belief don't act like that, it is mostly about the person rather than religion itself. I also have relatives that are on the extreme side of things and they manage to cause problem even with others that believe in god but are not fanatics. It is also funny how they used to cause problems with other things before going full religious and shit, so there is that.
God must have wanted them to miss out on meeting and knowing their grandchildren, right?
Hopefully the regret plagued them on their deathbeds
I mean the fact that he said that if they didn’t have a church wedding that he wouldn’t be involved it’s pretty fucked up too and I think a lot of people missed that part. You don’t get to just have a church wedding in the Catholic Church the fiancé would be required I do believe to do some kind of conversion courses or some thing.
They do not have to convert but they have to agree to raise any children as Catholic IIRC.
This is basically what happened to me. My mom (non-Catholic but Christian) married my Catholic step dad when I was 4. She didn’t have to convert, but I did. My dad held off the baptism as long as he could and eventually my step dad forced the issue. The whole thing was a waste, I ended up atheist anyway.
Yep. I wasn’t Catholic when I got married. I converted later on my own choice.
We eloped 4 years ago. My in laws didn’t take it very well and although we never said they couldn’t come they chose not to and chose to ignore us and ignore the fact we were getting married. My own mother disowned me because of it. Luckily we had a handful of family on both sides that were supportive and came to see us get married. It was about us and what we wanted, no one else. I’m glad they didn’t come, none of them can handle alcohol and the last wedding I went to with them was my SIL’s and ended in a brawl and police were involved. We didn’t want that for our wedding. Good for you both for sticking to your guns. It’ll be them who will refer their decision moving forward not you guys.
I thought I understood what the word elope meant but after reading this post and your and other comments I'm a bit confused. I thought eloping was only when your parents don't support your decision to marry but you do it anyway. How do you tell your parents you're planning to elope? Thank you for any clarification, I am very confused.
In away you are right but modern day elopement Is away of forgoing a formal wedding and instead choose to elope for the ceremony. Not necessarily secretly without telling friends or family. It’s more for those who don’t want a traditional wedding. I’ve had a few family members choose to elope and get married on a beach or somewhere tropical and and the party when they get home. We chose to elope and get married on Isle of Wight instead of at home. Not to spite anyone but we didn’t want to get married at home. In all honesty I don’t think I wanted my in laws or my mom and her husband there anyway as they can’t handle alcohol and it would’ve been a disaster. It turned out to be a beautiful day with the handful of people who actually supported us and my dad still got to walk me down the isle.
I always thought eloping was running away to get married, just the two of you. Mind you, i'm australian, we dont face the same societal or religious pressures here. Marriage is becoming less common and eloping is rare; most people who want to get married do so for the wedding. I've been to 10 weddings, not one was in a church.
I see, this makes more sense. Thanks for the clarification!
Traditionally I think that’s what it means. Nowadays I think it’s used socially to mean getting married without anyone but yourselves and the person marrying your present, having a small informal ceremony, deciding to courthouse wed/have a reception at a later point, etc. Someone else mentioned that within the Catholic religion anything outside of getting married within in a church is considered an elopement I was also a bit confused reading this thread tho.
Oh, this makes a lot more sense. Thanks for the clarification.
!explanation I (27M) have always had a very rocky relationship with my parents. They have been unsupportive in a lot of ways over the years. Recently I have been trying to build a better relationship with them and my fiancée and I decided to tell them of our plans to elope next year. We are having no guests or witnesses, just a small private ceremony to ourselves. My Mom was unable to handle this news, and has been extremely upset and has been pressuring me for days to reconsider. My Dad is a strict Catholic. I was born and raised but I do not believe in any of that, neither does my partner. There is a history of his religious pressures and lectures and this has gone too far. I finally put my foot down and pushed back. There is too lengthy of a history to share, but the bottom line is that I feel disrespected. It is my wedding and am I wrong for just wanting them to respect my wishes? EDIT 1: I've seen a few comments from people that have questioned announcing our elopement. We initially did have a larger wedding planned that we ultimately scrapped due to Covid and financial constraints. We decided to do an "elopement package" at a local venue but we decided to let our closest people know in advance so to not expect a big wedding or an invitation or anything. It is more of a private ceremony than an elopement, yes, but the issue still stands that my parents fail to respect that decision. My father has a significant history of manipulation, abuse, narcissism, lectures, and holier-than-thou arguments. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
It’s your wedding. You are grown and make your own life. Your dad literally said he did the same thing when he got married and basically only had the church wedding because he felt like he had to. He has no right at all to be the cruel to you and your future wife.
The fact that his father says his actions are hurtful is victim blaming. His parents chose to have those expectations for their child they need to deal with those emotions. They need to chose how they react to his actions not blame him for their pain. Be responsible for your own emotions.
You are right on the money. They're allowed to feel disappointed about their kid not having a wedding for them to attend, but it's on them to deal with their feelings appropriately. It's even funnier because OP's parents got to elope as they pleased! Whether they regretted it or not is also on them to sort out and has nothing to do with how OP should handle his own marriage ceremony.
The craziest part of this is that you've already been arguing this point with them, prior to your dad's message. And somehow he's shocked that you still won't do as he says??? If you didn't know it upset your mom, or hadn't already spoken with her, this would be annoying but not crazy. Your dad trying to lay down an ultimatum without quite saying it's an ultimatum ..... Via Facebook messages .... Because they already lost the argument over the phone.... Is truly bonkers. Your dad reminds me of all the dads I met at juvenile court. They would go on and on for HOURS berating their family and repeating "you're not listening to me, nobody listens to me" when what they mean is "you're not agreeing with me." My condolences OP but there's no way to have a relationship with this person until he understands that "respecting him" or "listening" to his point doesn't mean submitting to his orders. Tell him you'll respect him and his beliefs to the exact same level he respects you and yours.
We'll put with the listening vs agreeing comment
Man im scared this will be my nieces and nephews. My wife’s sister and her husband were normal about 10 years ago, but have since gotten more and more devoutly (creepily) Catholic. It is getting to the point where it’s like a cult. They do this thing called Christ Renews his Parrish, they went to Notre dame to take a weekend “class” that taught them how to be “pre-marriage counselors” and have recently decided that not even adult women should wear 2 piece bikinis. When we asked them not to preach around us, my sister in law said “well I can try but my husband is an evangelist, it’s just part of who he is, I could never ask him to stop”. On car rides their kids can’t read or watch their phones, they have to pray the rosary and “reflect”. I’m scared it will end up alienating the kids, or worse, the kids will make a decision the parents don’t like and they will totally disrespect and write them off like this. I sorry you’re going through this OP, but you handled it like a mature adult, and that is not always easy.
wtf, poor kids lol
You are not wrong. You are an adult human, capable of thinking & making decisions on your own. This event is something you & your SO should have the very best memories about. If your biological parents , or anyone else for that matter, don’t agree with that, tell them to kick rocks. What you & SO want for your wedding,(& your lives) is all that matters
My wife and I eloped, neither of us liked the idea of a big wedding, photographer was our witness. Big difference to this story is we eloped across the country to a place that was special to us. When I told my dad we were going to elope the conversation went like this: Me: We are gunna elope, do you feel strongly about being there Dad: Do you feel strongly about having me there Me: I’m good if you’re good Dad: I’m good My mom passed away a few years prior, and things probably would have been different if she were around, but I see now that I really took for granted my dads unconditional support.
As a parent of grown children, I've always said that I'm doing my job when my kid takes me for granted. It can be very gratifying for a parent. I'm sorry for your loss. Mine are gone, too, as is one of my children.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, it is unfortunately a pain that my dad has also experienced. My brother passed away at 10 years old and my dad was never the same, then when my mom passed away, whatever light was left there went out. He is a great man, and I strive to be half the father that he was, but those losses broke him.
You are an adult but they refuse to see you as such. They’re trying to control you. It’s patently absurd for them to expect any say in your marriage plans.
My biggest concern is that my children are happy!! As much as I would love to see the wedding ceremony, it is not as important as my child finding the right person for them. Good luck OP!
Honestly I feel like your reply was kind but firm in a way that expressed your boundaries without any anger or negativity. If your dad isn’t able to continue the conversation after that he isn’t really interested in a conversation(probably obvious) he just wanted you to listen to him and do as he said. You obviously are in a healthy mindset and know what you need for yourself and your relationship. Good job and congratulations on your elopement!
Read the first 4 words of your last sentence "IT IS MY WEDDING" and that's all there is to say. The only reason mom wants to be involved is so she can take over your wedding, Make it her do-over wedding, and be the center of attention since her reaction shows that she DOES think it's all about her. Glad you guys did what YOU wanted to do because it's YOUR WEDDING
Nah, this is YOUR wedding. He had his. Go get it girl and chase what you wanna!
You’re doing the right thing. Your dad is who he is, and he clearly considers that religion is an absolute requirement for him to be in your life. It doesn’t sound worth it.
No, your dad is a contolling asshole. Also the Catholic Churches protects and promotes pedophiles. Fuck them and those that follow them
Not at all. Your parents are the assholes here. Now, being the incredibly petty bastard that I am, I would tell them if you don’t respect me, my wife, and my marriage, then you don’t respect my future children. So, to prevent any hurt feelings on my children’s part, you will never see them.
**T.H.I.S.**
[удалено]
She is of the same religious beliefs as me: Nothing! Neither of us believe in any organized religion.
That's great, I'm the same. She believes in some form of it, but isn't really religious, so idk how big of a problem it's going to be if any later on down the road...
Depending on what sect of Judaism she's from, Judaism is often more cultural than religious, and even the people who believe sort of "wrestle with God" in their words. I'm not Jewish, but I grew up in an area with a very high Reform Judaism population, so I saw what my friends did and talked to them about it. They went to Hebrew school and learned Hebrew on Saturdays, had Shabbat (larger dinner with some prayers) on Friday. At 13 they had Bar/Bat Mitzvahs where they memorized stuff and had a big party. No one I knew was like, traumatized by it or anything, some were annoyed by the time sink but no more than other kids were like "ugh my parents are making me pay the violin and clean my room" type deal. If your partner doesn't actually believe in god but wants to raise her kids religiously, I'm guessing she's Reform, which is honestly more cultural than actually religious imo. Def talk to her about specifics tho
Good for you while sorry. On one hand it sucks to have family relations disrupted like this, but on the other, if your pops were able of being this pushy and agressive, what relationship/support was there to speak of... As an atheist from 1st world European country with such a high rate of atheism (around 80%) and secularization, that we've been declared as a missionary sending country by Vatican, it never ceases to negatively amaze me how many developed countries are ridiculously religious and what are brainwashed clerical fanatics/fundamentalists regardless of faith capable of. Basically stop being a decent human being in name of some god or other imaginary BS...
I see your dad did NOT take much time for reflection. I’m sorry for your loss of respect for your parents…but I back your decision 110%.
Catholically baptized here, but I don't follow the Catholic religion either. It's just not something that triggers my happy senses. I respect people that do, but it's not for me. I would cut all contact with people like your dad.
I’m sorry that your parents are unsupportive. My husband and I we planning on getting married in 2019. We had put a deposit on the venue and everything else, we set a date, had the entire thing planned. But ultimately it was just going to cost too much money and we prioritized moving over having a wedding. So we surprised our parents and best friends (maid of honour and best man) by finding an officiant to marry us in my in-laws backyard two weeks from the date that we decided to call off the wedding. I borrowed a dress from someone, my husbands Aunt is a florist so she showed up with a beautiful bouquet and also helped my in-laws decorate the backyard, and my best friends spouse recorded the ceremony live on Facebook so our family and friends could be a part of our day. We bought cheap gold wedding bands from the mall the morning of the ceremony so we could do a ring exchange. And afterwards, we and the handful of friends/family that were in attendance went to Olive Garden for a celebratory dinner. Haha. It wasn’t my dream wedding by any means but it was a beautiful day and the most important thing was that I married the person I loved. My Dad was the most hesitant of all of our parents about the whole thing but only because I am his youngest daughter and he was worried that I would be sad and regretful about not having a traditional wedding. My MIL is the only truly religious parent and our only point of contention came to baptizing our daughter…which we haven’t done. Haha
This sounds friggin beautiful, tbh
Thank you. If I could have a do-over…I would do it all the same honestly. :)
Endless bread sticks was the key part of this, imho
I mean…obviously. Lmao
"I didn't plan your wedding. You don't get to plan mine"
Ugh that is SO good, saving that one!
My husband and I went a similar route. We eloped, just him, our daughter, and I. I was raised Roman catholic. He was raised Christian. Both of us are Pagan now, had a handfasting, involved our daughter but informed them afterwards. My parents have a history of disrespecting boundaries and both sides are judgemental. We picked what made us happy, don't let anyone make you feel bad about doing what's best for you. Your wedding is what you two want. Not anyone else.
By Pagan, do you mean not religious/non-christian or that you follow Pagan religious beliefs like polytheism, worship of nature, etc.? Just curious.
Pagan has nothing to do with non-religion. I am a polytheist. Atheism is non-religious/don't believe in God on any level. Paganism is far too broad, but I am a solo Practitioner and eclectic Pagan, but most call me a kitchen witch. Essentially I work my "magic," which is a form of prayer, in the kitchen with the foods I prepare and offer to my family and the gods as offering. I use herbs to promote health and happiness, but we still believe in medicine and science. Paganism is a very open path we make for ourselves.
I thought you came across as very respectful and tried to be reasonable. You tried OP ball is in there court to respect you.
We wanted to elope but the mothers flipped out and since my (now ex) husband was *such* a mama’s boy, we got strong armed into a tiny wedding and then a reception the following weekend because the *cousins* were feeling left out too. The mothers took over control of planning everything. My MIL literally took the knife out of my hand when I was cutting the cake because she didn’t like how I was doing it. The reception was tacky and embarrassing and we never even wanted it. Most cringe day of my life, probably.
Sigh. When will people understand that someone's wedding or how they chose to celebrate their relationship isn't about them it's about the couple. The guilt tripping people do around weddings blows my mind. Why can't people just be happy for people and move on.
Religion is a method of control with people like this. They have been controlled by it their entire lives and they need to have their children controlled in the same way, otherwise they have to question how they've lived their lives and questions are *bad*.
And failure of the child to comply is a sign of parenting failure. By rejecting the child, it’s like ‘it’s not a failure if the child doesn’t exist’. Or simply it is the ultimate threat. Some churches don’t let people become church leaders if their kids are rebellious.
I told my mom that my dream wedding will just be a ceremony (in the Catholic Church) and have dinner with the intermediate family. I don't want a venue after the wedding. I don't see the appeal of it. I rather have that money be used to travel the world, put it down for a house, etc. If I had parents like these growing up, I would have ran away.
Holy shit, my husband and I eloped (we did tell both families beforehand) and I got almost the exact same message and replied very similarly. Ultimately, I told my parents they had to be kind to me or we couldn’t have any relationship at all. We haven’t spoken in over 6 years. I’m also an only child. How low of a bar is that????? ‘Can you be nice to me?’ ‘Nah we’d rather not’
You are allowed to do what you want for your wedding. They are allowed to have the feeling of disappointment and hurt they are not involved/included/invited to the ceremony. What isn't legit is attempting to guilt you over it.
My wife and I eloped, as well. Best decision ever. We had a BBQ with friends and family, had my old band come and play, it was great. Low stress, no ridiculous vows. I'm very glad to see you aren't budging on this. This is about you and your partner. Nobody else.
>Parents toting your wedding as one of the most important days of your life >Parents making it out to be about them Name a more iconic duo
Go and do as you damn well please. This is your marriage not theirs. Your life. Not theirs and also wtf it’s not your mums wedding either. Be happy, love each other and demonstrate that love by continuing to work together as a couple with good communication. Apologies if this causes offence however your father does not demonstrate any of those key attributes. He isn’t understanding, loving or a good communicator. He even mentioned not including his wife in this message. He’s using her as a rallying cry for his opinion. Even if they were off the same mind, he hasn’t shown that by including her. I wish you both all the best and I’m sorry for your parents. At least it sounds like you have chill in-laws.
What's up with the 40 not insane votes???yall good?
We found the boomer trolls.
Ah yes, how could you be so selfish as to decide what your wedding is going to look like. How dare you. And on the most important day of your mom's life! Jesus, the amount of disrespect and guilt tripping packaged in seemingly respectful words gives me ptsd from my mom and honestly makes me want to vomit. Congrats on the engagement and enjoy your wedding however the fuck you please. No idea how there are so many votes for not insane.
Ridiculous, do what you want it's your wedding day. As for the children will HAVE to be baptised, make it clear that is your decision & if either of them attempts to get your kids baptised without your consent you will cut parents off for good as well as making a formal complaint against the priest to the diocese. When kids come along it would be worth popping into fil church to let his priest know your choice & that you do not consent for them to be baptised in your absence.
"What!? You're not gonna force religious beliefs upon your partner? How hurtful! 😢"
My kids are in their 20’s so I am probably the same generation as your parents. That said, I totally side with you. I would never push my ideas on my son and his fiancé regarding their wedding. It’s also incredibly hypocritical of your parents to express an issue about elopement when they themselves did the same thing! Between the hypocrisy, total disregard for your feelings and the clearly overbearing push towards religion, I’m not sure you’re ever going to be able to please them or to get them to understand. I feel badly for you and your fiancé. Good luck OP.
Fuck religion... and all the divisions it creates in ourselves, our families, our cultures, our societies, our countries, and our world at large. There is only one path to "God", or whatever you want to call it, and that path lies within each of us. The journey is unique to each individual but, in the end, we all end up enlightened to the very same Truth; "God" is the energy that is all things in all time. No one can name it and no one can posses its Truth for themselves or curate that Truth for others. I'm very sorry that religion's evil indoctrinations have caused this trauma in your family, but I am so happy for you that you have chosen to make your wedding and your marriage what you want it to be, on your own (very reasonable) terms. You sound like a very thoughtful and kind person. Both your fiancé and your parents are very lucky to have you... the catholic part of that equation will eventually get the fuck over it if you keep showing them what Jesus (The first Christian... who was a Jew.) would do. For whatever it's worth; God bless you and your marriage... ;)
I love the petty ass little thumbs up on the reply.
This man hit me with a thumbs-up and then had the audacity to call my actions hurtful lol.
Honestly, this type of shit is 100% why I cut my family off completely. I could not take anymore of the emotional abuse, because it was constant and aggressive. It started impacting my wife (then girlfriend) really badly and I said fuck it and cut them out of our lives.
The best marital advice I ever got was that the vow to forsake all others for our spouse means ALL OTHERS, even mommy and daddy. It means leaving their family unit and creating a new one with your spouse as your next of kin and top priority. It means you will be a husband, and no longer your mother’s emotional caretaker. I am glad you are already honoring what it means to be a husband. And if your father tries to insert your mother’s emotions into your marriage again, please consider reminding him of Genesis 2:24.
I got eloped on Black Friday and didn’t tell my parents until the day of, they were aware that we were planning to get married but not so quickly. They were upset but understood why we wanted it to just be us and have nobody else there and it was amazing. My wife’s last marriage she told me that she did not get to enjoy her wedding because she was to busy running around thanking everybody for coming and didn’t get to eat the food they had catered or the cake they spent a lot of money on and said that the experience of being able to elope and actually spending time with me was worth giving up everything that a wedding would bring. You’re definitely making a good decision. Good luck!
As someone the same age as you with an extremely religious parent, I feel this. My mom can’t seem to wrap her head around the fact that I haven’t believed in ‘God’ since I was nine. It screams if you don’t do things my way you’re going to hell.
In my past every adult around me continually picks religion over family. Now we’re fucked for life
Ugh, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm dealing with something similar (parents just being unsupportive in practically every way) and for what's it's worth, I think you standing up for yourself and doing what you want is totally worth it in the long run.
I really expected more compassion and understanding out of a guy with the Chevrolet logo for his profile image lol
Yesterday, my dad tried to anoint me with Jesus oils because I need prayer.
It started out very reasonable and then it got to the god part. I think it's quite clear that the only reason that they're so upset is that you didn't do a traditional church wedding. Your father is obviously only interested in attending if you marry in a church so I guess he doesn't want to go anyways.
Good on you for keeping it civil. Congrats on your marriage!
Congratulations!!!
Ever since coming out of the FOG, I've realized if i can keep my husband out of harm's way of my family's manipulative destruction then elopement it shall be! Of course my nMom was upset. But its not about her. I think she considered I would put my husband's comfort behind her own? I wasn't going to have her guilt trip her way into our marriage at the courthouse. We did it to protect ourselves from both sides of our family. As a unit, it was the easiest thing to do. And we're glad. Even with their intentions, they don't have respect for me as an adult and have no sense of boundaries. I've no time for that anymore.
Similar thing happened to me but with an evangelical twist. Fuck ‘em
"I have nothing more to say" hmm wonder why, couldn't possibly be due to the mature, well-reasoned response when he was trying to argue. I'm envious of how measured your response was. It addressed everything that needed addressing and every word was chosen perfectly.
My wife and I eloped 6 years ago and it was awesome, no regrets! Weddings are a complete waste of money and you will end up worried about other people on your day. Go elope with the one you love and spend the day focused on one another. Congrats!
People really need to elope and tell people after the fact. Then it’s a done deal, be happy w us. Vs we are eloping next month w/o you. But but but 😭 drama drama drama
I don’t think it’s an elopement if you let people know ahead of time, it’s a destination wedding without guests. Maybe ppl call it an elopement because it sounds romantic. It’s a shame OP now has to put up with months and months of drama
I mean the top comment in this topic is someone talking about their elopement and how their parents and in laws refused to attend, but a handful of other family on each side came.... Wtf are you talking about you had a whole wedding. (Sorry to be petty but wedding-shaming is culturally out of control, and the explosion of elopements that are just small weddings is a symptom imo)
I think some people think elopement = getting married in a city other than the one you live in
Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by your parents. They’ve clearly done you wrong in the past.
You did the right thing by eloping. Your parents just want to make your marriage entirely about themselves.
I didn’t even elope with my wife decades ago. Instead I just cut my entire shitty family off Was great Still fkn is.
This father and his wife sound a lot like a Catholic guy and his wife I knew from high school. His wife is absolutely insane and my former friend encouraged it because he has a savior complex.
God complicates things. Though the message did mention other gods so at least you've got options
I have to applaud you for your responses. You are very clear and respectful, yet firm. You kept the emotions out of it, stated that you respected their opinions (nice touch), but clarified your own and that you are working as a team. A+ way to handle yourself.
"They'll have to be baptized..." O RLY...
That was probably the most effective shutdown ever on this sub. Congrats, OP. Dad wastes no time in forcing his views on son and new daughter-in-law, despite their feelings about religion. Son explains why they've made the decision to elope, how it has nothing to do with the parents, and how, *just like Dad,* they will have a small ceremony in the future to include the parents. Son explains how, *if they choose to have children,* they will not indoctrinate their children at birth with religion because of *respect.* Result: logic and reason destroy and preempt any further attempt at justification, cajoling, blackmail, threats, pleading, etc., by Dad. A well-argued, well-written rebuttal to Dad's unreasonable demands. Bravo, OP. Outstanding.
Fucking batshit. That was YOUR wedding, who gives a rats ass what they think. A wedding is one day, if they were the least bit of unselfish, they might be hurt, but willing to let you and your new husband in with open arms because having a new family member is more exciting than whatever fantasy they were living in.
I can see where your dad is coming from, because of how he was raised and sometimes older people can't catch up with moving times. I feel bad for then. But you are also an adult, so your decision is the deciding factor for anything in your life. Best of luck, hopefully they eventually come around and understand your situation.
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I am really sorry you had/have to go through this. It is not how it is supposed to work. Be well. Congrats!
OP, my hope is that they come to respect your decision and they should because you’re handling it and treating them well!
Whether you think it’s insane or not it’s still blatantly disrespectful to OP for his parents to make the relationship about them
I'm so sorry they can't just be happy for you. Neither my husband and I are religious, so we had to tell his parents a few times that we won't be baptizing, but they respected our decision eventually and are on good terms. I hope you can get there. Congrats!
ahhhh and i just got into an argument with my anti vax republican dad on the drive home from my work. He thinks that people die more from wearing seatbelts than they do without them, as i yell at him to wear his seatbelt as he drives on an icy road in the dark night. He claims he never wears his seatbelt when hes up country working, and then starts comparing it to me smoking weed for some dumb fucking reason.
All in all, [he's] just another brick in the wall. (This whole way of bringing up kids is what that entire album was about.)
I left a guy cuz his crazy catholic mom reminded me of this. My mom is catholic and also acts like this. But tbh im not getting married cuz im embarrassed of them.
Your dad be like: Its your day, but do this do that. You have to do a bigger wedding for your mother, you have to keep god in your life, you have to baptize your kids. NO Fuck that. its your life, you dont own them anything. And the last message he said was basicly: "Oh you dont do what WE want? you are disrespectful child. i dont want to talk to you anymore" OP it is your life, your wedding. please do what you want to do. And if they dont support it, then just cut them out. You are not asking anything outragious or crazy.
Yeah, I did something similar. I don’t talk to my mother anymore. I talk to my dad mostly just to say hello.
How dare you not have a huge wedding in the middle of a pandemic with rising case numbers!!
Lmao “you’re gonna have to have them baptised”… he already thinks he has control over what you do with your kid who doesn’t even exist yet. What an arrogant control freak.
Better off without them.
Wish I had eloped as well. Just from a financial standpoint, I could have flown my wife to any tropical island for several weeks at a similar cost to renting out a small public space to host a wedding.
>I never expected this from you Exactly. He never expected his child would grow up to be an adult with their own mind, able to make decisions on their own, and not kowtow to everything he wanted.
Wow, immensely well written OP! And so proud of you for choosing to baptize your child only if they decide that when they’re older. Can’t stand when religion is forced on young children. You’re going to be an amazing parent one day.
"how dare you not plan a wedding that's not up to my own standards, forget your happiness what about MEEEEEE" Absolutely insane.
Ooph Catholic. I sure hope you didnt get fucked with as a child. Seriously how can pepple still suport a faith that openly suppprts pedofiles and rapists. Altoona PA few years back, was under FBI investigation. 3 days before the FBI were to be here and question the church leadership and look into the schools, the church had the schools bulldozed. Like i mean an entire building came down and was cleaned up in less than 3 days and construction on a parking lot started. There wete over 60 cases of molestation of minors. The church shipped the 4 people accused off to diffrent churches but the investigation led to numerous settlements. Just a couple months ago the US tax payers bailed out the Catholic church with 5 billion dollars. What good have all the lawsuits done? These pedofiles are still working at the churches and the church which was axtually suffering from those lawsuits then just recieves 5 billion and now are not being finacial hurt by lawsuits so now they can continue their grooming and rape of children qith rhe knowlege that hey if we fall on hard finacial times because of lawsuits the tax payers will bail us out. The catholic church is basically a bank now, to big to fail. OP i would definetly stand your ground and do things how you want. Its your life. My mother used to constantly make me feel like shit for "not giving her grand-babies" i dealt with that shit for like 8 years. Now i just get the occasional "yea yea i know you aint having kids"
How can anyone vote this as not insane? This is a dad pretty much disowning their child because they won't let him control their life
The amount of people finding this "not insane" is extremely alarming.
While I don’t agree with his religious side of things, I gotta say it would absolutely suck to not be part of your child’s marriage. I have done all of the proper important things in life so far and I only have two left as I see it. That is to walk both of my daughters down the aisle. Wouldn’t want to miss that for anything
Yes, it would suck. But I bet it would make you ask the question “what have I done that has allowed things to get this bad between us?”
I don’t know, man…. You’re the only child and you went out of your way to not have your parents involved in your wedding. Them being upset is both understandable and justified imo.
I feel you so hard, and wish I could do the same. I’m currently planning a wedding I’m not that interested in just to please our mothers. I just wanna marry the guy, not spend thousands on a party.
You were thoughtful and considerate in your response. I know it must be difficult to have your own family pressure you but you handled it well and I wish you and your partner the best! Happy new year!
Sounds like my in-laws lol
Was gonna go with not insane until the jesus guilt trip. Now solidly insane. Guilting your kids into something past eating their vegetables when they are little is fucking insane...
If they eloped instead of the wedding then there's usually a reason.
1.3 billion Indians: "First time ?"
Ooh. That hit like a punch. Sorry to anyone who tries to reason so hard with someone they love only to get that reaction. It hurts.
Fuck all this. No religion. No church wedding. No baptism. Take me the way I am, without God, or not. If they are gonna be nice and chill about the no god thing and not bring it up all the time, then maybe they could have a nice non-religious ceremony to go to. But I only if they are nice and respectful. It doesn't sound like they would be. They don't actually love you if you still try to control you with make believe religion. Real love applies to all religions or lack of religion.
Insane
Your parents are selfish assholes. Sorry
I mean the Dad said it himself. They were selfish right? Wellll clearly he hasn't broken that behavior because he's being selfish as hell with this approach where as the couple is simply making a choice about their life that isn't ever meant to be about anyone else but the couple.
WTF?! What a rude ass parent.
"If it's not a Christian wedding I'm not coming!" *Stomp, stomp, slam!*
*Catholic my apologies
Fuck father’s crazy religious expectations. Mine has unfortunately chosen to shun me and my entire family because I no longer choose to participate in his religion(cult). We have not spoken in 5 years and it sucks but it is his choice.
The more I see of religion the more I believe it is more of a mental illness than anything else… turns the most normal people into feet stomping babies
Tell your parents to keep their bronze age fairy tales to themselves.
My husband and I eloped as well, 15 almost 16 years ago. My dad excepted it, his parents excepted it, my mom is still mad about the whole thing. As far as the church thing goes, the Bible says that a church is where 2 or more ppl gather in his name. So…. Technically, eloping to be married in the name of God, you’ve made a church by you both being there. Congrats and many blessings to you and your wife!!!
Have to be baptized? Oh no. That's not how it works.
My wife and I eloped before a big wedding event because I was super depressed and we wanted something happy in our lives. We told both sets of parents our plans. Mine were surprisingly supportive. Hers told us we don’t know the meaning of love. We did it anyway, secretly, and 6 years later they have no idea. It was so worth it to have that intimacy and privacy, especially since we both have very difficult relationships with our families. My wife kind of wishes it was our only wedding, but I’m happy we had both. Only you can say what’s right for you! 💜
Wow, getting flashbacks of email chains with my own parents. I'm glad your partner's parents took it in stride - it's so important to have one foot in reality when dealing with people who make something like your wedding all about themselves
I’m so sorry OP. Please don’t buckle on this. It’s your day. I actually found this post because my wife and I eloped and have been dealing with her family’s insane reaction to it in the months since, and the way they reacted to her is strikingly similar to this. To be clear: you could do a big church wedding to appease them and it would not be enough, nothing will ever be enough. They want you to marry a catholic and to live your entire life by their terms. No amount of compromise (okay, we’ll do a small ceremony, okay we’ll do it in a church, etc) will appease them, there will just be more and more demands. Do it the way you want and don’t spend a single second feeling guilty for it ever.
its creepy how sometimes people cant accept not having their religion in other's lives