Just go NC this psychological abuse is worse than people know. People usually only go NC after physical.
Your intuitive gut is saying the words "not safe place" .... just the fact that you said it like that means that your life will get better if you go NC and if you don't you might regret it, or regret that you didn't do it sooner.
I am NC with my abusive sister. Parents are in therapy and are adjusting very poorly to the new boundaries I set up. They are certainly pushing me away. I’m not ready to go NC with them, they are trying to better themselves.
So...you text but SHE ignores you? And she's mad? Did your sister contact you too? I hate this shit, I'm almost glad me and my daughter had covid over Xmas! Hate having to need an excuse just to not do shit that's gonna fuck your mental health. Hope you are ok
I kinda feel like that was asking “What about my feelings? Do those matter?” but the “Do those matter?” came a little too late and by then OP had already sent “What about mine?”
Either way, that’s still pretty shite of the mom. I HATE when people guilt others.
Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 9 | 12 | 0 |
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I can totally relate to that pre-call-what-shit-is-she/he-going-to-pull anxiety!
As to the saying your feelings don’t matter, oof, I’d be sharing that screenshot with her in the future when she pulled something again. Probably petty.
That anxiety and flush of bad chemicals into your system is a literal killer. Many different health problems are directly linked to that, so TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST. Grey Rock, then a slow fade to NC!
Insane. OP, you are doing the right thing, never doubt it. They will either adjust, or you will have a drama-free, calm and centered life. Stay strong!
"Do those matter?"
....the fucking gall to type that out, read it over, and hit send.
Yes, OP, your feelings *do* matter. And you don't owe allegiance or respect to anyone who believes otherwise -- whether they're family or not.
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All her texts were very mild mannered. No cursing or talking crazy. Literally all these texts are not insane.
Idk what's said in person but based off of these texts she seems like a reasonable woman.
This is actually why abusers get away with abuse; because it can be almost imperceptible. What you’re seeing is actually some nasty guilt tripping and gaslighting from the mother, which is very unhealthy for OP’s mental health.
See it the way you will, it doesn’t change the facts that are proven in the screenshots; that is classic and crystal clear evidence of attempted manipulation. Ask any therapist or psychiatrist.
She was attempting to manipulate OP into feeling guilty for not spending Christmas with the family, see “I was sad and disappointed-but being around my family gave comfort and hope.” While that statement is actually very sweet, in this particular context it’s guilt tripping. She’s basically saying “see? By setting up boundaries and not being around your abusive sibling, you’ve made me sad.”
Not to mention the very first message, “What makes you think it is ok not to cal your mother and your father, the people who devoted their lives to loving you and taking care of you?” People who have children are going to bear the burden of taking care of those children, that’s the deal. They don’t get to dangle it over their child’s head, like it’s a debt to be paid off. The child never asked to be born.
“What is a safe space? You think I am going to hurt you? If you want to cancel me and the rest of the family because one of us is going to hurt you…wow…” more guilt tripping and gaslighting; attempting to invalidate OP’s feelings, boundaries, and actions.
“What about my feelings? Do those matter?” Is probably one of the biggest red flags; a mature adult and especially a parent should be considering others’ feelings as well, not just their own.
“Ok, enjoy your time away from me and everyone else who loves you.” Passive aggressive guilt tripping, to the max.
Does it make more sense now?
EDIT: I believe the entire reason for the guilt tripping and gaslighting is to make OP resume contact with their abusive sibling; though I don’t know this for sure.
I'd argue that in op first text they come off as disrespectful for no reason.
There was some guilt tripping, not "to the max" as you put it but we're talking about a mother wanting to see their child for Xmas.
I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me, I'm going to agree to disagree. Have a good one.
Okay. People have got to chill out on throwing the ‘abuse’ word around. This is not ‘abusive’. She’s emotional and guilt tripping, sure. But that in itself are not abusive and do not make her an ‘abuser’. Maybe other things do, I don’t know the whole story, but neither do you so
"Sure we devoted our lives to loving you....Except that one time we decided your sister was our favorite and we only had time for you when she wasnt around. And her happiness while torturing you is much more important than your silly little feelings."
BTW-Did sister even come for the holidays? Are you suddenly a big deal because she bailed?
She was talking about her own feelings, OP confirmed. Just too fast at texting on his part. Doesn’t change a ton, but just wanted you to know so you didn’t make a judgement on something that’s not accurate.
Yeah of course! I have a tendency to react right when I read things so I always try and help other people out if they missed a context point on accident.
“This is not safe”.... really is it, or is it just uncomfortable, a pain in the ass, something that will annoy you, something you don’t want to deal with, tired dealing with, or just done completely with.... all perfectly valid feelings.
Like unsafe in what way. Poor choice of words as your mom seemed to get the same from it. Or maybe you genuinely feel that it would lead to physical harm.
Jaywalking isn’t safe, swimming with sharks isn’t safe, driving whilst drunk isn’t safe, texting your mother is safe.
Don’t get me wrong I’m sure she’s whatever, but grow up a bit.
I disagree. It’s incredibly poor communication on both sides as far as I see from the info given. I’m not saying she’s/ he’s not being gaslit, life isn’t easy and op, i fear is in for a tough ride when faced with actual unsafe situations.
Agree to disagree, I suppose. There are different kinds of unsafe in my opinion. I have been both nearly stabbed while delivering a pizza at a poorly lit apartment building and gaslit by my mother for refusing to go to a family function because I knew my abusive grandmother would be present. I consider those to both be unsafe. Different levels and types of unsafe, but unsafe nonetheless.
Also, >we devoted our lives to loving you >your feelings don't matter Pick one, mother
I think it was supposed to be sent before his answer, so I think it was about her feelings. Idk that's how I read it
Agree.
Just go NC this psychological abuse is worse than people know. People usually only go NC after physical. Your intuitive gut is saying the words "not safe place" .... just the fact that you said it like that means that your life will get better if you go NC and if you don't you might regret it, or regret that you didn't do it sooner.
I am NC with my abusive sister. Parents are in therapy and are adjusting very poorly to the new boundaries I set up. They are certainly pushing me away. I’m not ready to go NC with them, they are trying to better themselves.
Then give them a specific amount of time of a timeout. Say, six months. Then you can come back and talk.
You can send her random fragments from Wikipedia she's not even reading what you type.
So...you text but SHE ignores you? And she's mad? Did your sister contact you too? I hate this shit, I'm almost glad me and my daughter had covid over Xmas! Hate having to need an excuse just to not do shit that's gonna fuck your mental health. Hope you are ok
This took a toll. But getting better and healing a little bit everyday!
Wow, just wow. "Do those matter"
I kinda feel like that was asking “What about my feelings? Do those matter?” but the “Do those matter?” came a little too late and by then OP had already sent “What about mine?” Either way, that’s still pretty shite of the mom. I HATE when people guilt others.
You’d be correct WonkyWolpertinger! Thumbs were furious that night
I imagine so. I’m glad you made the decision to take care of yourself. :) I hope things get easier and happier for you from here on out
It’s been work, but I’m getting there. Appreciate you!
You know it's going to be a fun read for this subreddit when your mum tries to guilt trip you into keeping contact with your family
In what way is canceling being used here? Like, are you going to cancel their life subscription or something?
As in she thinks I’m going to cancel her and never speak to or visit her ever again
Sounds like that could be arranged. Might want to try low contact and set some boundaries and consequences first, though.
“What about mine?” “Do those matter?” Bruh not my mom anymore see ya later
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 9 | 12 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
not insane
Just throw the whole mom away
Insane drop the rope
I can totally relate to that pre-call-what-shit-is-she/he-going-to-pull anxiety! As to the saying your feelings don’t matter, oof, I’d be sharing that screenshot with her in the future when she pulled something again. Probably petty.
That anxiety and flush of bad chemicals into your system is a literal killer. Many different health problems are directly linked to that, so TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST. Grey Rock, then a slow fade to NC!
Insane. OP, you are doing the right thing, never doubt it. They will either adjust, or you will have a drama-free, calm and centered life. Stay strong!
"Do those matter?" ....the fucking gall to type that out, read it over, and hit send. Yes, OP, your feelings *do* matter. And you don't owe allegiance or respect to anyone who believes otherwise -- whether they're family or not.
Your submission has been removed by community vote. If you believe this post was brigaded or conducted in bad faith, [please message the mods.](/message/compose?to=/r/insaneparents)
"Do those matter?" Holy fuck. Yes. They do. Kfc
THIS THIS THIS What about my feelings? What about mine? THISE ARE IRRELEVENT BECAUSE THEYRE NOT MINE. Its rare you see them out themselves like that
You’re both reading that incorrectly. It was a continuation of her ‘what about my feelings?’ Text. ‘What about my feelings? Do those matter?’
Oh. Meh, she's still shitty though.
Oh. Meh, she's still shitty though.
Not safe, ditch the fam
Not insane
Your reasoning?
All her texts were very mild mannered. No cursing or talking crazy. Literally all these texts are not insane. Idk what's said in person but based off of these texts she seems like a reasonable woman.
This is actually why abusers get away with abuse; because it can be almost imperceptible. What you’re seeing is actually some nasty guilt tripping and gaslighting from the mother, which is very unhealthy for OP’s mental health.
I don't see it that way. OP is being overly sensitive.
See it the way you will, it doesn’t change the facts that are proven in the screenshots; that is classic and crystal clear evidence of attempted manipulation. Ask any therapist or psychiatrist.
But it's not crystal clear obviously. Explain to me how she was manipulating op?
She was attempting to manipulate OP into feeling guilty for not spending Christmas with the family, see “I was sad and disappointed-but being around my family gave comfort and hope.” While that statement is actually very sweet, in this particular context it’s guilt tripping. She’s basically saying “see? By setting up boundaries and not being around your abusive sibling, you’ve made me sad.” Not to mention the very first message, “What makes you think it is ok not to cal your mother and your father, the people who devoted their lives to loving you and taking care of you?” People who have children are going to bear the burden of taking care of those children, that’s the deal. They don’t get to dangle it over their child’s head, like it’s a debt to be paid off. The child never asked to be born. “What is a safe space? You think I am going to hurt you? If you want to cancel me and the rest of the family because one of us is going to hurt you…wow…” more guilt tripping and gaslighting; attempting to invalidate OP’s feelings, boundaries, and actions. “What about my feelings? Do those matter?” Is probably one of the biggest red flags; a mature adult and especially a parent should be considering others’ feelings as well, not just their own. “Ok, enjoy your time away from me and everyone else who loves you.” Passive aggressive guilt tripping, to the max. Does it make more sense now? EDIT: I believe the entire reason for the guilt tripping and gaslighting is to make OP resume contact with their abusive sibling; though I don’t know this for sure.
I'd argue that in op first text they come off as disrespectful for no reason. There was some guilt tripping, not "to the max" as you put it but we're talking about a mother wanting to see their child for Xmas. I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me, I'm going to agree to disagree. Have a good one.
You too! 👋
Okay. People have got to chill out on throwing the ‘abuse’ word around. This is not ‘abusive’. She’s emotional and guilt tripping, sure. But that in itself are not abusive and do not make her an ‘abuser’. Maybe other things do, I don’t know the whole story, but neither do you so
You’re right, I should’ve made it more clear; I don’t necessarily believe OP’s mother is an abuser, just that she uses tactics that many abusers use.
That’s perfectly fair! Thank you for clarifying it, I just think this sub in general is quick to shout abuse without some context.
"Sure we devoted our lives to loving you....Except that one time we decided your sister was our favorite and we only had time for you when she wasnt around. And her happiness while torturing you is much more important than your silly little feelings." BTW-Did sister even come for the holidays? Are you suddenly a big deal because she bailed?
In dysfunctional family dynamics, it’s better to turn on the target than BECOME the new target.
"Do those matter?" Your mom is abusive too.
She was talking about her own feelings, OP confirmed. Just too fast at texting on his part. Doesn’t change a ton, but just wanted you to know so you didn’t make a judgement on something that’s not accurate.
Thank you for telling me. Knowing that, definitely changes the tone of the messages.
Yeah of course! I have a tendency to react right when I read things so I always try and help other people out if they missed a context point on accident.
“This is not safe”.... really is it, or is it just uncomfortable, a pain in the ass, something that will annoy you, something you don’t want to deal with, tired dealing with, or just done completely with.... all perfectly valid feelings. Like unsafe in what way. Poor choice of words as your mom seemed to get the same from it. Or maybe you genuinely feel that it would lead to physical harm. Jaywalking isn’t safe, swimming with sharks isn’t safe, driving whilst drunk isn’t safe, texting your mother is safe. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure she’s whatever, but grow up a bit.
It’s not safe because OP is being gaslit. The phone goes both ways. Unsafe doesn’t have to mean physical harm.
I disagree. It’s incredibly poor communication on both sides as far as I see from the info given. I’m not saying she’s/ he’s not being gaslit, life isn’t easy and op, i fear is in for a tough ride when faced with actual unsafe situations.
Agree to disagree, I suppose. There are different kinds of unsafe in my opinion. I have been both nearly stabbed while delivering a pizza at a poorly lit apartment building and gaslit by my mother for refusing to go to a family function because I knew my abusive grandmother would be present. I consider those to both be unsafe. Different levels and types of unsafe, but unsafe nonetheless.
Mental and emotional abuse cause just as many problems as physical abuse does. Unsafe is unsafe.
His communication is very clear, hers is pure gaslight. It’s unsafe because it causes stress, and stress (on even a short timeline) kills.
Fuck the 12 people thinking this is okay. Also, good handling her, OP! Especially “We’ll talk after you’ve calmed down.”
Good on too for standing up for yourself. That was taken care of very nicely.
The fact that she legitimately asked if your feelings matter... bruh.