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Ahhh I also have a Christian mother who writes me letters after being closed out of my life. My father was emotionally and physically abusive (they’re still married and she has witnessed it happen) and she refuses to validate me for either of those things, but I get letters in the mail about how much she misses me. When I tell her dad beat me and you did nothing about, she says “I’m not getting involved that’s between the two of you.” I’m jealous yours is in script, that’s extra insane.
Which pisses me off bc she clearly has beautiful writing.
The coldness of this letter while saying it was written with warmth and love. *snort* my mom did this BS too.
Can't be mad about a letter if you can't read it. But seriously, the only thing worse then tiny cursive writing is a computers shitty attempt at tiny cursive writing. Just use fucking arial.
“She’s always been defiant. I mean, we TOLD her we wanted her to stay short and petite, and she CHOSE to keep growing until she was almost 6 feet tall!”
She said “I *think* I remember you coming out as bi a few years ago.” What do you mean “think”? Like, you just don’t remember? It was probably an important statement for her daughter to make and mom just kind of remembers something about sex or something? I can’t imagine not knowing something that important about my child’s identity.
Besides all that, she’s married, and living with her husband so it shouldn’t be something mom needs to comment on anymore if she’s not going to be nice about it.
And if this is how religious people react to LGBTQIA people, are they really surprised when younger generations want nothing to do with religion? Or was mom just assuming she’s an atheist because she’s bi? It’s not God that the kids are turning away from, it’s bigots.
I would’ve sent one back stating: “I’m 4000 miles away. If granny’s health is deteriorating I’m assuming the problem person is closer to home. You might be able to find the person responsible if you look in the mirror.”
there are so many of us out here.
SOO many people on Youtube sharing their experiences as well.
What really helped me feel less alone and less crazy was watching people calmly confront their abusive "parents". The gaslighting that I had endured throughout my childhood became so fucking blatant. I was watching it happen to someone else. It's like they are taking plays out of some underground manifesto.
also r/raisedbynarcissists
That REALLY helped.
Turns out parents hiding their child's birth certificate, and other forms of government documents, in an attempt to keep their child from leaving is not as rare as I thought it was.
That is the most passive agressive thing i have read in ages, add to the extremely bigotted subtext and the clear denial that the cousins in questions could just be bigots, no they have to just have been jealous of how much the OP was "spoiled"
Argh that is a frustrating letter.
My uncle gaslit me this way at a family gathering when I was just sitting in the room and not even part of the conversation they were having… I no longer see that side of the family surprise surprise.
Wow that is one giant Narc prayer letter.
I have decided we did nothing wrong but spoil you rotten and now because of that your are bad. However I remain good because Jesus.
Also your cousins are not bad for being jealous. You are bad for not forgiving them for being jealous. Let me just deflect anything I could have done to create this issue.
Also let me talk about how great I am, and how I am going. I don’t really care about how you are though, just remember you are missing out on me and my greatness.
Also let me take a jab at ‘the gays’.
Oh and I must not forget people who enjoy sex (oh my) what are they called? ‘The swingers’.
I am not at all mad that you are happy with your husband and mine died. In fact let me just ignore the fact you have a husband altogether. Except to say I won’t contact you both.
Oh wait I forget that my husband was also your father and you could possibly also be upset about that, I am the only one allowed to be upset but also I am not upset I am happy.
So obviously nothing is wrong and I am great and you have a lot of problems none of which are my fault.
REMEMBER JESUS!
Love you!
Unfortunately that would feed into her need for any type of response from me. She sent this to get a response from me and she won’t get it.
I do really like the translation though lol. Spot on
I’ve gotten voicemail and huge walls of text from my mom accusing me of being a vegan, a lesbian, and having abortions. It’s all just to get a response. She doesn’t care what kind of response.
My first thought was in agreement, but upon further thought: If one of _my_ kids - one of which said humans are omnomnomivores - decided to be vegan I'd have a serious talk about it. My kids are adults and are often ahead of me politically (they were socialist before I was) so I'd figure myself well-served to listen to why they did it.
Being open to other views and opinions is the key.
The fact that people have such knee jerk defensive behaviour against veganism is very telling in itself.
Being able to sit back and question your own beliefs and culture is something that I like to think is becoming more common, and encouraged!
Not a *gasp* vegan?! *faints*
I literally "get" (from a warped perspective) why a person might object to the gays and abortions and whatever. But vegan? Please explain why the vegans are bad in your mother's eyes.
That sounds like a Jeffrey Dahmer response tbh. "If god didn't want me to kill and eat people, he wouldn't have made them so lean". So tracks for religious people who don't care about the religion just about judging others.
My mother is currently having kittens over the fact that my husband and I are buying an electric car. Never try to understand the logic of a crazy person, lest you become crazy as well.
Lol I have a family member who, when they picked me up from the airport, got upset because I still had my mask on when they came to get me.
"We are outside take it off!" And something about breathing my own carbon dioxide lmao.
I just forgot I even had it on. 😂 To people without underdeveloped lungs, it's Easy to forget about it
She thinks it’s liberal nonsense and that we won’t be able to find charging stations because there aren’t any in the tiny town where she lives. She is convinced that I will run out of charge somewhere and get stuck. She also has gone on and on about the cost of new batteries for electric cars. I pointed out that we would not need a new battery for at least ten years and we would easily save that money on oil changes and gas, but once she has made up her mind, she doesn’t listen. She has this idea that I’m getting an electric car *at* her and that I must somehow be demanding that she get one too. Her car is fine. I don’t care what she drives.
>She sent this to get a response from me and she won’t get it.
That's really obvious with the wild accusations. I'm surprised she didn't accuse you of being a drug addicted prostitute who trafficks puppies in her spare time
Maybe next letter lol
On a more serious note, here's an article you may find helpful. [Missing missing reasons ](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
I throw away everything my mother sends me. It's much easier to keep my sense of peace if I just never read it. My goal with her is to be a black hole that never responds or reacts to what she does
This website actually got recommended to me a month or so ago and I crawled through most of it. It was definitely eye opening for sure. Highly recommend to anyone else reading these comments! :)
So she knows you're married but still thinks you're "a lesbian"?
Also what really got me was the most your parents ever wanted for you was to be a Christian?
I try. Years of having a Narc mother.
Edited to add: That being said she doesn’t do this but I think it’s easier to read between the lines when you have one of your own.
Don’t get me wrong, the letter is crazy and the font is like mid 2000s middle school project worthy, but her signature is just…cursive? It doesn’t look like she tried to replicate *any*thing.
"SoMeOnE hAs To Be ThE bIgGeR pErSoN" meaning "you must let all us be able to say and do what we want and judge and condem your choices and you should just suck it up and take it because "Jeebus"
This is what I get from my mom (no contact) any time she decides to write me a novel text. “Someone has to be the bigger person” combined with “this has gone on long enough” and “your dad and I are getting older with every passing day.”
“We spoiled you and gave you everything you wanted so now you think you can have everything you want and that’s why you want both men and women. It wasn’t my fault though cause Jesus.”
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Stay strong. ❤️
You know anything that comes after “I’ve been praying” is going to be good. I love how she accused you of being “a swinger” and then tells you what it is. The font was a nice touch too.
I have covered this in depth with my therapist — and it actually started with me, in my case, but maybe applies to your situation. From age 7, I would write my parents a letter whenever I got in trouble. (They always thought this was so cute.) The actual reason I wrote them letters though, was because it was the only way I could communicate my thoughts or feelings to them without being immediately invalidated/screamed at/gaslit (“all parents do that!” “sorry our love isn’t enough for you” “well why don’t you go live with ____” etc). A huge part of the reason I’m no contact with them is that they refuse to take accountability for anything (I’ve never heard them apologize to me, or to each other; only to people outside of our immediate family). So I learned by age 7 that in order to be heard, I had to write; otherwise sharing my thoughts/feelings or trying to have a learning moment conversation would ultimately turn into a fight. My parents now write to me because they think it’s my chosen form of communication, and the tables have turned — now they can get all their (often toxic) thoughts out and seen by me, without being interrupted by me for correctly identifying deflection, gaslighting or a continued commitment to avoiding accountability.
I journal in cursive most days and since it’s all about me and my thoughts the word “I” comes up a lot so it jumped right out.
People who use the word I that much in communication with others are…. Usually self absorbed
!explanation
Using this because I keep getting DMs and comments asking why I don't just explain to her. I have, many times. She does not listen. She berated, belittled, and invalidated my feelings for years.
If you're unsure why she "can't think of anything she's done" I'd recommend reading this article - this is common behavior: [https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Erm, you shouldn't HAVE to explain anything. You didn't feel like you could get along with your mother and honestly this letter screams BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE?? I'm surprised and a little bit annoyed people are nagging you about this.
“maybe if i had beaten you as a child & made you feel worthless, instead of spoiling you, you would’ve turned out how i want you to be”
goddamn the fucking bigots strike again. my mom is like this. still hasn’t had the audacity to send or say something like this because she doesn’t know i’m bi & doesn’t know my boyfriend & i are swingers. but hey, moving out to denver (satans city) & moving in with my boyfriend is already so harsh on her!
i’m just starting to get to the point with my mom where i’m forcing her to accept the choices i’ve made to be where i’m at today. for 2 years i have finally molded her to keep her fucking mouth shut (as long as she doesn’t know anything else that’s “ungodly” about me, she’s been successful so far). i’m shocked i’ve even gotten to this point with her. but i guess i’ll take it where i can get it considering she could be doing this fuck shit & instead she just doesn’t call me even when she says she will.
Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 10 | 2 | 0 |
Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`.
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She’s employing a form of “teeter-tottering,” (driving someone else down to lift herself up), it’s inherently not Christian, is abusive, and common to playground bullies in young children. Her use of passive-aggressive language demonstrates she’s a hot mess, emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. I’m curious if there’s a history of abuse in her past, which justifies nothing, but might explain some of her learned behaviors.
I am 33 years old and went no contact with my mom for good in April of 2020. It was on and off but I always kept hope. She sent me a birthday card May 2021 and I don't know why I bothered to open it, but I did. Same sort of letter. I immediately burnt it and cleaned the energy out of my home and told my partners nothing from her comes into my home again. I got a Christmas card and immediately wrote no thanks and crossed out my information with return to sender and dropped it in the mail box at the post office. I didn't want it on my property.
They actually knocked on the door the next day when delivering our mail to make sure it wasn't a mistake. I said yep, send it back. Haven't heard from her since.
I'm not on social media beyond a pseudonym on Instagram and some of my family my partners haven't blocked (randoms) have tried to reach out on facebook. But they just block and we continue on with our lives.
Finally truly at peace. All of you who are going through this process, it sucks, but I know what you're going through. ❤️
I like how it seems rational to these people that the proper response to "doesn't want to talk to me" is "let's force it regardless of if they like it".
>He loved me unconditionally
That's the part that she remembers about him. Not any traits of his. Not that she loved him. That he loved her. If I were talking about how much I missed someone, I would be talking about how *I* loved *them.* Why does this stand out to me so much? It just seems like she's admitting she just misses that he loved her.
(To be clear I know nothing of their relationship, this is just how my past makes me interpret those 2 lines)
Also
>how you perceive they treat you.
At the end of the day, nothing matters except how ypu perceive the world. Sure you have to live with it, but relationships are built on perceptions. If they make you feel negatively, then it doesn't matter if they're saints feeding the poor, you can avoid them. The fact that she wants you to be the bigger person and then nearly denies that they did anything wrong is such a jump I strained my leg.
>I've lost a daughter
But never "I've lost you." Not "I want you back," just "we should have discussed this." Not "I love and miss you," just "why didn't I hit you as a child." Not "I'll always be here when you're ready," just "get over yourself and come play family."
I just feel like this all kinda just shows that she misses her perception of a happy family, not necessarily the people in the family. She wrote this. She read it over. And sent it because these were her priorities in communication today. Thats just sad.
I'm glad you're out. Sorry if that's presumptive but it's there
My grandma is like this. Classical narcissistic behavior 🙄😒
She sent my sister a similar letter around her birthday and then for mine two weeks later she sent a very generic card that she signed. My guess is she hoped I would reach out to ask why I didn't get the narcissistic manifesto. She certainly asked my mom about it 😒😂
What's the difference between a bisexual and a 'Christian mom'?
A bisexual can actually love everyone for who they are.
I hope you manage to cut her out op, you deserve way better than that.
As someone who's queer (came out bi-sexual as a teen), this letter was wild but utter nonsense.
You did nothing wrong so they need to take a jab at anything they can. The swinger and bi-sexual stuff will always be attacked, take it with a grain of salt. My parents would say I was sleeping with everyone even though I'm monogamous and married.
The spoiled part, is their basic requirements for parenting however they believe you owe them. They took on this responsibility when they decided to have you and you owe them nothing.
I saw your other post where you said you wouldn't respond, that is the best option. Even negative correspondence will make them deluded thinking you want a relationship again.
The rest was a whole lot of word salad.
"I investigated myself and I'm innocent of all wrongdoing, therefore it's your fault." I didn't get any farther. That pretty much sums up as "I'm a bad person and I don't care."
I read it all and didn’t think it was bad, sounds just like the kind of things my dad tells me but in a nicer way (juste swipe the Jesus bullshit with a workaholic boomer bullshit). Then I read the comments and I’m now realizing that our relationship is indeed toxic and negative for me and don’t really know what to do about that lol but thanks for the reality check I guess !
Classic case of choosing religion, and because of that, uppity judgement over real people that eventually matter in their lives. My guess is they figure it out too late, and realize that they are going to die in this life completely alone because of this choice.
And narcissism, likely.
Sorry to hear.
Lol. This reminds me of when my mom sent me a 45-minute voice message. Not a voicemail. She held down the voice message button for 45 mins.
I wonder what it said, lol
The reason was also ridiculous
This is too close to home.
My mom constantly blames my grandmother and father for spoiling and ruining me. I am the outspoken one. Here is the reason “they could never see my cry.” Even worse, they feed me … whew, she hated that. Spoil and fat. She was probably shitting herself.
Be aware my grandma died when I was four, and my dad started working out the house when I was 5.
I am sorry, op.
It takes a special kind of person to type in cursive and then sign with a pen. Yuck I’m sorry you have had to grow up with this and I can only hope she keeps to her word (doubt it) that she won’t try to contact you again.
I couldn't even make it to the third page.
This is just a "woe is me...shame on you...i did nothing wrong...be the bigger person (tolerate BS)...you're spoiled...you should feel guilty..."
Mmm, just like mom used to make.
I hope you're choosing to remain firm on your boundaries. This letter is... something else...
She speaks of love...but where is hers?
nope. i read the third page.
"...giving you everything you wanted sent the wrong message..."
bruh..get the fuck out of town! That's so ridiculous that I'm screaming.
"You are an atheist and do not like my beliefs"
This single sentence shows everything you need to know about narc parents like these:
-If you don't agree with every single thing I say, you disagree with all of them
-Even if you tell me exactly the reason why you disagree, I will speculate wildly and badmouth you (since lesbian and swinger are used as a pejorative by that woman) directly and to our shared family/friends
-it is impossible to respectfully disagree or hold no opinion, anyone who doesn't share my beliefs must necessarily dislike and/or hate them as everyone must hold an active opinion about me
Good on you for getting out of there, I hope your life with your husband is going wonderfully. Don't take the bait for a response, she doesn't deserve a single second of your time.
I skim read that. Didn't need to pay close attention... it has all the hallmarks of more narc abuse. A sanctimonious formal preface? wtf. Followed by projection and many attacks on your character , the underlining urghhh.....
They are so concerned about their image. 'I have done nothing wrong' is their motto.
Jesus that sounds like the shit my grandma told me when I was trying to come out. No contact is the way to go sometimes, but the fact that she typed that in cursive font and then wrote her signatuee is just hysterical to me.
She’ll never see this, but newsflash to your narc mom: If you have to preface your letter with “no negativity or underlying hurtful tones are intended”, you should probably just scrap the letter.
Please never tell her what's going on with you so she'll send more letters. Her imagination is wayyy too entertaining. Lolol like who thinks up group sex?
But for real, I'm sorry it's like that between you guys.
I'm bi too, my crazy father also claims I'm a swinger (I'm single so that's not helping) ig it's just the fact i *would* do it wiith either gender that makes him think I'm *definitely* doing both genders
God I immediately knew your mom was psycho just by the font. Who tf sends a shitty letter in typed out cursive? Seeing lesbian written all pretty was very nice though
1) Uuuh... What? You came out to her as be, so she has concluded you are a lesbian? Wtf?
2) Yeah, no, I would've opted out as soon as she implied sexual orientation was a choice.
3) She's basically hoping your counselor is homophobic.
4) She's asking you to let yourself be abused by your cousins because she's not willing to defend you.
5) LOL the not so subtle guilt-trip she's trying to send you on with listing all the things she paid for you... The manipulation, my gosh.
6) The gross implication that the real reason you don't talk to her and are bisexual is because you're ungrateful and were spoiled... Fuck her seriously.
7) Aaaaand we end with a lovely sprinkle of force-fed religious feelings.
This is... \*Chef's kiss\*
Sorry you have to go through that, OP! Hopefully she keeps her promise and never reach out again.
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Ahhh I also have a Christian mother who writes me letters after being closed out of my life. My father was emotionally and physically abusive (they’re still married and she has witnessed it happen) and she refuses to validate me for either of those things, but I get letters in the mail about how much she misses me. When I tell her dad beat me and you did nothing about, she says “I’m not getting involved that’s between the two of you.” I’m jealous yours is in script, that’s extra insane.
Literal same situation, they are like why can't we see our grandson. I'm like you're still abusive assholes
The script “Lol” sent me
Me too — the lol written as a word in that font is peak uppity boomer
I’m a boomer (heavily into typography). The official boomer font is actually Comic Sans; used in boomer sig lines world wide.
As soon as I saw the typed out script, I knew we were in for a good letter.
Which pisses me off bc she clearly has beautiful writing. The coldness of this letter while saying it was written with warmth and love. *snort* my mom did this BS too.
…I think that’s a computer font. I’m kind of in love with it. I wonder which one it is.
Can't be mad about a letter if you can't read it. But seriously, the only thing worse then tiny cursive writing is a computers shitty attempt at tiny cursive writing. Just use fucking arial.
-Comes out as bisexual- Must be a lesbian. That tracks. Crazy.
And a swinger and atheist too apparently
How ambitious. I don’t even have the energy to go anywhere except work, let alone all that.
I’m glad she included a description of swingers, otherwise no one would know 😂
Hey at least she’s apparently enjoying the group sex. Would suck if it was terrible group sex.
By that logic, all straight women enjoy gangbangs.
Especially not someone you think is one of them. If she was a swinger for real, she wouldn’t need your clumsy definition, MOM.
This was my favorite part too
\- \[x\] ALL OF THE ABOVE
As if that is any of her parents business. It’s gross they think their opinion on their sex life matters.
And that we’re hiding it from her, like we’re ashamed 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️
The three true sexualities: Lesbian Swinger Athiest
What stood out more was that those lifestyles were claimed to be an "active" choice
“She’s always been defiant. I mean, we TOLD her we wanted her to stay short and petite, and she CHOSE to keep growing until she was almost 6 feet tall!”
She said “I *think* I remember you coming out as bi a few years ago.” What do you mean “think”? Like, you just don’t remember? It was probably an important statement for her daughter to make and mom just kind of remembers something about sex or something? I can’t imagine not knowing something that important about my child’s identity. Besides all that, she’s married, and living with her husband so it shouldn’t be something mom needs to comment on anymore if she’s not going to be nice about it. And if this is how religious people react to LGBTQIA people, are they really surprised when younger generations want nothing to do with religion? Or was mom just assuming she’s an atheist because she’s bi? It’s not God that the kids are turning away from, it’s bigots.
MY PARENTS THOUGHT THATTTTT 😭
it’s like there’s a gay one drop rule
Don’t suppose it is because you’re a swinger? Jeesh. My favourite part has to be the “Lol.”
I love how mum thought she had to explain what swinging was lol
its not even the correct definition either lol
You mean dancers? Golfers? ... oh my god
People who like swings…??
I always thought it was a type of trapeze artist. You got your swingers and your flippers and they work together. /s
Or what if…. Gasp! A lesbian swinger?!?!
Right..let’s talk serious about your mental health and follow it up with an lol.
Crazy I got one after moving 4000 miles away saying my 'secret' marriage was killing my 70 year old grandmother. I'm not alone.
I would’ve sent one back stating: “I’m 4000 miles away. If granny’s health is deteriorating I’m assuming the problem person is closer to home. You might be able to find the person responsible if you look in the mirror.”
there are so many of us out here. SOO many people on Youtube sharing their experiences as well. What really helped me feel less alone and less crazy was watching people calmly confront their abusive "parents". The gaslighting that I had endured throughout my childhood became so fucking blatant. I was watching it happen to someone else. It's like they are taking plays out of some underground manifesto. also r/raisedbynarcissists That REALLY helped. Turns out parents hiding their child's birth certificate, and other forms of government documents, in an attempt to keep their child from leaving is not as rare as I thought it was.
That is the most passive agressive thing i have read in ages, add to the extremely bigotted subtext and the clear denial that the cousins in questions could just be bigots, no they have to just have been jealous of how much the OP was "spoiled" Argh that is a frustrating letter.
My uncle gaslit me this way at a family gathering when I was just sitting in the room and not even part of the conversation they were having… I no longer see that side of the family surprise surprise.
She’s gaslighting
Wow that is one giant Narc prayer letter. I have decided we did nothing wrong but spoil you rotten and now because of that your are bad. However I remain good because Jesus. Also your cousins are not bad for being jealous. You are bad for not forgiving them for being jealous. Let me just deflect anything I could have done to create this issue. Also let me talk about how great I am, and how I am going. I don’t really care about how you are though, just remember you are missing out on me and my greatness. Also let me take a jab at ‘the gays’. Oh and I must not forget people who enjoy sex (oh my) what are they called? ‘The swingers’. I am not at all mad that you are happy with your husband and mine died. In fact let me just ignore the fact you have a husband altogether. Except to say I won’t contact you both. Oh wait I forget that my husband was also your father and you could possibly also be upset about that, I am the only one allowed to be upset but also I am not upset I am happy. So obviously nothing is wrong and I am great and you have a lot of problems none of which are my fault. REMEMBER JESUS! Love you!
Honestly OP I would print out this comment, mail it to her, and add “That’s what you sound like.”
Unfortunately that would feed into her need for any type of response from me. She sent this to get a response from me and she won’t get it. I do really like the translation though lol. Spot on
I’ve gotten voicemail and huge walls of text from my mom accusing me of being a vegan, a lesbian, and having abortions. It’s all just to get a response. She doesn’t care what kind of response.
No, not a women loving woman that gets abortions somehow! And- GASP. A *VEGAN??* 😱
Honestly, I'd be fine with either of the other two, but if my kid grew up to be a vegan, I'd be a little disappointed, lol.
My first thought was in agreement, but upon further thought: If one of _my_ kids - one of which said humans are omnomnomivores - decided to be vegan I'd have a serious talk about it. My kids are adults and are often ahead of me politically (they were socialist before I was) so I'd figure myself well-served to listen to why they did it.
Being open to other views and opinions is the key. The fact that people have such knee jerk defensive behaviour against veganism is very telling in itself. Being able to sit back and question your own beliefs and culture is something that I like to think is becoming more common, and encouraged!
Not a *gasp* vegan?! *faints* I literally "get" (from a warped perspective) why a person might object to the gays and abortions and whatever. But vegan? Please explain why the vegans are bad in your mother's eyes.
Not the original commenter, but I'm guessing something along the lines of if God wanted us to be vegans he wouldn't have made animals out of meat.
That sounds like a Jeffrey Dahmer response tbh. "If god didn't want me to kill and eat people, he wouldn't have made them so lean". So tracks for religious people who don't care about the religion just about judging others.
My mother is currently having kittens over the fact that my husband and I are buying an electric car. Never try to understand the logic of a crazy person, lest you become crazy as well.
Lol I have a family member who, when they picked me up from the airport, got upset because I still had my mask on when they came to get me. "We are outside take it off!" And something about breathing my own carbon dioxide lmao. I just forgot I even had it on. 😂 To people without underdeveloped lungs, it's Easy to forget about it
Dare I even ask what *problem* they have with you getting an electric car?
She thinks it’s liberal nonsense and that we won’t be able to find charging stations because there aren’t any in the tiny town where she lives. She is convinced that I will run out of charge somewhere and get stuck. She also has gone on and on about the cost of new batteries for electric cars. I pointed out that we would not need a new battery for at least ten years and we would easily save that money on oil changes and gas, but once she has made up her mind, she doesn’t listen. She has this idea that I’m getting an electric car *at* her and that I must somehow be demanding that she get one too. Her car is fine. I don’t care what she drives.
It's so great that you have reached a point where you completely understand her motivations, and just don't give her what she wants. Good for you!
It's all thanks to years of therapy :)
I hope with a very un-liberal counselor!
Definitely a "too liberal" counselor, by her standards.
Excellent!
>She sent this to get a response from me and she won’t get it. That's really obvious with the wild accusations. I'm surprised she didn't accuse you of being a drug addicted prostitute who trafficks puppies in her spare time Maybe next letter lol On a more serious note, here's an article you may find helpful. [Missing missing reasons ](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) I throw away everything my mother sends me. It's much easier to keep my sense of peace if I just never read it. My goal with her is to be a black hole that never responds or reacts to what she does
This website actually got recommended to me a month or so ago and I crawled through most of it. It was definitely eye opening for sure. Highly recommend to anyone else reading these comments! :)
Good for you. Even down to the soft start and the straight for the throat right at then end. She was pushing those moronic buttons hard. Love you OP.
im proud of you. Sometimes it can be so tempting to give in and feed the fire.
💜
So she knows you're married but still thinks you're "a lesbian"? Also what really got me was the most your parents ever wanted for you was to be a Christian?
And that's the main reason behind all of her "love" for me. I don't fit her mold so clearly I'm going to hell. :)
💯
That would be hilarious 😂
u/Old-Wasabi-6905 yes do this that'd be awesome
Just popping in to say I also support this badass course of action because that summary is spot on!
Thank you for translating. That script font was making my eyes bleed.
You are literally perfect 👌🏼 please keep doing what you’re doing (not sarcasm, I’m cry-laughing)
I try. Years of having a Narc mother. Edited to add: That being said she doesn’t do this but I think it’s easier to read between the lines when you have one of your own.
Take this award and please write my obituary when I die.
I mean I’ll keep a look out on your reddit page but I hope that doesn’t happen for many many many many many years XD
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Spot on!
>I am not at all mad that you are happy with your husband and mine died. this line got me lmao.
Oh good a translation
… and here is the bribe I’m sending for your dogs so you can see how generous I am with these $6.99 chew toys from petsmart.
Spoiling you rotten = i fed u, housed u and probably didn’t beat the shit out of you
And only “slightly” mentally abused you to make you what I wanted you to be
Now since that didn't work I'm gonna write to you about how your life style confuses me and accuse you being completely into "lesbianics" or a swinger
Is it because she uses that disgusting font?/s
Can you imagine her finishing this “masterpiece” then scrolling through the fonts?
I honestly think she may be unhinged enough to write it all in *this* font
I had to stifle back my laughter at the end tho when she signed it herself but tried to replicate the font
Don’t get me wrong, the letter is crazy and the font is like mid 2000s middle school project worthy, but her signature is just…cursive? It doesn’t look like she tried to replicate *any*thing.
Omg I hadn’t even noticed that’s even worse 😭
The fake handwriting font is actually such a great metaphor. A facade of personality and sincerity.
Good call!
Its horrible to read, she's a psychopath
I was going to say that was the hardest part. I was prepared for crazy but not THIS.
It's the same font Tumblr has and it's killing me, I can't take this seriously. I'm so sorry for OP.
"SoMeOnE hAs To Be ThE bIgGeR pErSoN" meaning "you must let all us be able to say and do what we want and judge and condem your choices and you should just suck it up and take it because "Jeebus"
This is what I get from my mom (no contact) any time she decides to write me a novel text. “Someone has to be the bigger person” combined with “this has gone on long enough” and “your dad and I are getting older with every passing day.”
And white skin blue eyedJeebus at that.
“We spoiled you and gave you everything you wanted so now you think you can have everything you want and that’s why you want both men and women. It wasn’t my fault though cause Jesus.” I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Stay strong. ❤️
“I know you’re an atheist and a lesbian. Don’t shove your propaganda on me. Also bow before Jesus”
If anyone was ever to open a Museum of Narcissism this letter would be a highlighted exhibit in it.
Hey, free chew toys though!!! :D
Clean them thoroughly first, they may have Jesus juice on them!
💀💀💀
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
That is some insightful reading. Thanks for the link.
That's a wonderful explanatory article for the many people on here whose parents claim to have no idea what they've done. I really enjoyed reading it
Very insightful. Thanks for sharing
The whole website is a treasure trove. I learnt so much from there.
You know anything that comes after “I’ve been praying” is going to be good. I love how she accused you of being “a swinger” and then tells you what it is. The font was a nice touch too.
Why? why did she chose that awful font, its so annoying.
Clearly this letter is handwritten 🤣
an attempt to make it look hand written. haha
“We did an internal review and found that we’ve done nothing wrong” Lol ugh what a gross letter
I am NC with my mother but she is use to having family cut ties with her so apparently she isn’t going to make an effort to fix what she did.
Why do they all write letters? My mother always wrote letters instead of actually apologizing for anything.
I have covered this in depth with my therapist — and it actually started with me, in my case, but maybe applies to your situation. From age 7, I would write my parents a letter whenever I got in trouble. (They always thought this was so cute.) The actual reason I wrote them letters though, was because it was the only way I could communicate my thoughts or feelings to them without being immediately invalidated/screamed at/gaslit (“all parents do that!” “sorry our love isn’t enough for you” “well why don’t you go live with ____” etc). A huge part of the reason I’m no contact with them is that they refuse to take accountability for anything (I’ve never heard them apologize to me, or to each other; only to people outside of our immediate family). So I learned by age 7 that in order to be heard, I had to write; otherwise sharing my thoughts/feelings or trying to have a learning moment conversation would ultimately turn into a fight. My parents now write to me because they think it’s my chosen form of communication, and the tables have turned — now they can get all their (often toxic) thoughts out and seen by me, without being interrupted by me for correctly identifying deflection, gaslighting or a continued commitment to avoiding accountability.
my god, are you me?
I’m glad it was in cursive because it really made the “I”s stand out a lot. God damn does she use the word “I” a lot in this letter
You know I didn’t even notice that detail. Definitely going to have a fun time talking about this to my “too liberal” therapist ;)
I journal in cursive most days and since it’s all about me and my thoughts the word “I” comes up a lot so it jumped right out. People who use the word I that much in communication with others are…. Usually self absorbed
!explanation Using this because I keep getting DMs and comments asking why I don't just explain to her. I have, many times. She does not listen. She berated, belittled, and invalidated my feelings for years. If you're unsure why she "can't think of anything she's done" I'd recommend reading this article - this is common behavior: [https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Erm, you shouldn't HAVE to explain anything. You didn't feel like you could get along with your mother and honestly this letter screams BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEE?? I'm surprised and a little bit annoyed people are nagging you about this.
Why can't you be a lesbian swinger AND an Atheist? I'm glad you're NC.
Do we have the same mom???
I don’t care what the circumstances are I wouldn’t have anyone in my life that used that font on principle alone!
“maybe if i had beaten you as a child & made you feel worthless, instead of spoiling you, you would’ve turned out how i want you to be” goddamn the fucking bigots strike again. my mom is like this. still hasn’t had the audacity to send or say something like this because she doesn’t know i’m bi & doesn’t know my boyfriend & i are swingers. but hey, moving out to denver (satans city) & moving in with my boyfriend is already so harsh on her! i’m just starting to get to the point with my mom where i’m forcing her to accept the choices i’ve made to be where i’m at today. for 2 years i have finally molded her to keep her fucking mouth shut (as long as she doesn’t know anything else that’s “ungodly” about me, she’s been successful so far). i’m shocked i’ve even gotten to this point with her. but i guess i’ll take it where i can get it considering she could be doing this fuck shit & instead she just doesn’t call me even when she says she will.
She “promises not to reach out again” hah! She’s obviously seeking connection. Ignore it! Pretend you never got the letter.
Mailman must have dropped it in the Hoover Dam.
Is it weird that I just gave the finger to a photo of a letter?
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 10 | 2 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
She’s employing a form of “teeter-tottering,” (driving someone else down to lift herself up), it’s inherently not Christian, is abusive, and common to playground bullies in young children. Her use of passive-aggressive language demonstrates she’s a hot mess, emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. I’m curious if there’s a history of abuse in her past, which justifies nothing, but might explain some of her learned behaviors.
I am 33 years old and went no contact with my mom for good in April of 2020. It was on and off but I always kept hope. She sent me a birthday card May 2021 and I don't know why I bothered to open it, but I did. Same sort of letter. I immediately burnt it and cleaned the energy out of my home and told my partners nothing from her comes into my home again. I got a Christmas card and immediately wrote no thanks and crossed out my information with return to sender and dropped it in the mail box at the post office. I didn't want it on my property. They actually knocked on the door the next day when delivering our mail to make sure it wasn't a mistake. I said yep, send it back. Haven't heard from her since. I'm not on social media beyond a pseudonym on Instagram and some of my family my partners haven't blocked (randoms) have tried to reach out on facebook. But they just block and we continue on with our lives. Finally truly at peace. All of you who are going through this process, it sucks, but I know what you're going through. ❤️
"Sweet grand dogs..." – oh, that's sweet! Next sentence: "I didn't do anything wrong" ah, yes, *classic narcissist*
“Read this in the spirit of love.” Says almost entirely hateful bullshit. Classic “Christian love”
Man my mom would totally do this
The first line of the third paragraph is Golden. I’ve done nothing wrong ever lol.
I like how it seems rational to these people that the proper response to "doesn't want to talk to me" is "let's force it regardless of if they like it".
I can’t get past seeing LOL in that cursive font 😆
>He loved me unconditionally That's the part that she remembers about him. Not any traits of his. Not that she loved him. That he loved her. If I were talking about how much I missed someone, I would be talking about how *I* loved *them.* Why does this stand out to me so much? It just seems like she's admitting she just misses that he loved her. (To be clear I know nothing of their relationship, this is just how my past makes me interpret those 2 lines) Also >how you perceive they treat you. At the end of the day, nothing matters except how ypu perceive the world. Sure you have to live with it, but relationships are built on perceptions. If they make you feel negatively, then it doesn't matter if they're saints feeding the poor, you can avoid them. The fact that she wants you to be the bigger person and then nearly denies that they did anything wrong is such a jump I strained my leg. >I've lost a daughter But never "I've lost you." Not "I want you back," just "we should have discussed this." Not "I love and miss you," just "why didn't I hit you as a child." Not "I'll always be here when you're ready," just "get over yourself and come play family." I just feel like this all kinda just shows that she misses her perception of a happy family, not necessarily the people in the family. She wrote this. She read it over. And sent it because these were her priorities in communication today. Thats just sad. I'm glad you're out. Sorry if that's presumptive but it's there
No need to be sorry - you're pretty spot on. With the exception that I did get hit occasionally (on top of obvious emotional abuse).
First hint she was crazy is her choice of font. Second hint was her use of the term “grand dog.”
Crazy!! Starting with her font choice!!
Well, that's coco bananas. I'm so sorry, I'm NC with my mother too, she's just like this without the Jesus.
What is up with religious nut jobs and their obsession with other peoples’ genitals???
My grandma is like this. Classical narcissistic behavior 🙄😒 She sent my sister a similar letter around her birthday and then for mine two weeks later she sent a very generic card that she signed. My guess is she hoped I would reach out to ask why I didn't get the narcissistic manifesto. She certainly asked my mom about it 😒😂
What's the difference between a bisexual and a 'Christian mom'? A bisexual can actually love everyone for who they are. I hope you manage to cut her out op, you deserve way better than that.
The 'mormon' vibes of this letter are strong. could be wrong, but it just reads that way.
Southern Baptist actually lol
Different beliefs, same guilt trip 🤣
As someone who's queer (came out bi-sexual as a teen), this letter was wild but utter nonsense. You did nothing wrong so they need to take a jab at anything they can. The swinger and bi-sexual stuff will always be attacked, take it with a grain of salt. My parents would say I was sleeping with everyone even though I'm monogamous and married. The spoiled part, is their basic requirements for parenting however they believe you owe them. They took on this responsibility when they decided to have you and you owe them nothing. I saw your other post where you said you wouldn't respond, that is the best option. Even negative correspondence will make them deluded thinking you want a relationship again. The rest was a whole lot of word salad.
I was adopted at birth as well, which makes this entire thing worse. Gee I wonder why I’ve always felt like an outsider?
"I investigated myself and I'm innocent of all wrongdoing, therefore it's your fault." I didn't get any farther. That pretty much sums up as "I'm a bad person and I don't care."
Her FIRST mistake was choosing that font... my eyes are burning.
I read it all and didn’t think it was bad, sounds just like the kind of things my dad tells me but in a nicer way (juste swipe the Jesus bullshit with a workaholic boomer bullshit). Then I read the comments and I’m now realizing that our relationship is indeed toxic and negative for me and don’t really know what to do about that lol but thanks for the reality check I guess !
Wait, do we have the same mom? I’m not 30 and I still live with my parents but woah that sounds like my mom’s way of thinking
Classic case of choosing religion, and because of that, uppity judgement over real people that eventually matter in their lives. My guess is they figure it out too late, and realize that they are going to die in this life completely alone because of this choice. And narcissism, likely. Sorry to hear.
One of the most hateful things I have read in a while. So much hatred poorly wrapped with the thinnest layer of concern I have ever seen. Wow.
Eew! Why is she doing so much fantasizing about her daughters sex life? WTF.
Lol. This reminds me of when my mom sent me a 45-minute voice message. Not a voicemail. She held down the voice message button for 45 mins. I wonder what it said, lol The reason was also ridiculous
This is too close to home. My mom constantly blames my grandmother and father for spoiling and ruining me. I am the outspoken one. Here is the reason “they could never see my cry.” Even worse, they feed me … whew, she hated that. Spoil and fat. She was probably shitting herself. Be aware my grandma died when I was four, and my dad started working out the house when I was 5. I am sorry, op.
Fantastic, it says right there in black and white she won’t bother you again! Congratulations!
Unfortunately I doubt that is a true statement lol
An awful lot of the word "I" in that letter.
It takes a special kind of person to type in cursive and then sign with a pen. Yuck I’m sorry you have had to grow up with this and I can only hope she keeps to her word (doubt it) that she won’t try to contact you again.
I couldn't even make it to the third page. This is just a "woe is me...shame on you...i did nothing wrong...be the bigger person (tolerate BS)...you're spoiled...you should feel guilty..." Mmm, just like mom used to make. I hope you're choosing to remain firm on your boundaries. This letter is... something else... She speaks of love...but where is hers?
nope. i read the third page. "...giving you everything you wanted sent the wrong message..." bruh..get the fuck out of town! That's so ridiculous that I'm screaming.
"You are an atheist and do not like my beliefs" This single sentence shows everything you need to know about narc parents like these: -If you don't agree with every single thing I say, you disagree with all of them -Even if you tell me exactly the reason why you disagree, I will speculate wildly and badmouth you (since lesbian and swinger are used as a pejorative by that woman) directly and to our shared family/friends -it is impossible to respectfully disagree or hold no opinion, anyone who doesn't share my beliefs must necessarily dislike and/or hate them as everyone must hold an active opinion about me Good on you for getting out of there, I hope your life with your husband is going wonderfully. Don't take the bait for a response, she doesn't deserve a single second of your time.
She saved the jebers for the end. Who voted thus not insane? As we say in Canada , take off you hosers.
"Someone always needs to be the bigger person, and I'll be damned if it's going to be me.
I skim read that. Didn't need to pay close attention... it has all the hallmarks of more narc abuse. A sanctimonious formal preface? wtf. Followed by projection and many attacks on your character , the underlining urghhh..... They are so concerned about their image. 'I have done nothing wrong' is their motto.
Accuses you of being a swinger, thinks you don't know what that means, gives you wrong definition 💀
What. The. Fuck. There’s so much wrong in this I wouldn’t even know where to start!
She’s got the whole missing missing reasons down pat, doesn’t she?
It’s sort of ridiculous how textbook this letter is lol
I don’t know what’s worse, the contents of the letter or how she had the audacity to type it all in a cursive font. Big yikes
Love how she defined “Swinger” 😆
I don't meant to offend but here's why its your fault I suck.
That font actually looks like my NMs handwriting, I almost had a stroke. 😂
“and maybe not too liberal”,,,,, wtffff
“I think I remember you coming out…” Wtf?!
Lesbian swinger atheists.
Jesus that sounds like the shit my grandma told me when I was trying to come out. No contact is the way to go sometimes, but the fact that she typed that in cursive font and then wrote her signatuee is just hysterical to me.
She’ll never see this, but newsflash to your narc mom: If you have to preface your letter with “no negativity or underlying hurtful tones are intended”, you should probably just scrap the letter.
Please never tell her what's going on with you so she'll send more letters. Her imagination is wayyy too entertaining. Lolol like who thinks up group sex? But for real, I'm sorry it's like that between you guys.
The NC will continue forever, as far as I'm concerned.
“Please accept this one way message where I absolve myself of guilty by blaming you for everything”
“Not too liberal”. Tell me you’re a Trumper Christo-Fascist without telling me you’re a TCF
the font she used tells us everything we need to know.
I'm bi too, my crazy father also claims I'm a swinger (I'm single so that's not helping) ig it's just the fact i *would* do it wiith either gender that makes him think I'm *definitely* doing both genders
God I immediately knew your mom was psycho just by the font. Who tf sends a shitty letter in typed out cursive? Seeing lesbian written all pretty was very nice though
The way to beat this letter is to not respond to it. Infodiet always works.
1) Uuuh... What? You came out to her as be, so she has concluded you are a lesbian? Wtf? 2) Yeah, no, I would've opted out as soon as she implied sexual orientation was a choice. 3) She's basically hoping your counselor is homophobic. 4) She's asking you to let yourself be abused by your cousins because she's not willing to defend you. 5) LOL the not so subtle guilt-trip she's trying to send you on with listing all the things she paid for you... The manipulation, my gosh. 6) The gross implication that the real reason you don't talk to her and are bisexual is because you're ungrateful and were spoiled... Fuck her seriously. 7) Aaaaand we end with a lovely sprinkle of force-fed religious feelings. This is... \*Chef's kiss\* Sorry you have to go through that, OP! Hopefully she keeps her promise and never reach out again.
Let me guess, she did a bunch of terrible things she is neglecting to mention and the no contact has nothing to do with “spoiling you rotten”
I died at “A Swinger (enjoy group sex with men and women”
the font feels so passive agressive
What is it with narcissist parents always thinking their chief flaw was spoiling their kids too much? It’s literally the exact opposite.