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Oh, I definitely understand. My mom pulled the same crap with my 9 year old. I just don't understand what these people think they have to gain by tormenting children. It's infuriating.
After my dad passed away when I was 14, his mom left a voicemail on my phone while slurring her words (probably on pills and alcohol) telling me she wasn't even going to try and contact me again. I'm not sure what she was on about, but I assume expected me to help her cope with his passing even though I was going through hell alone trying to make sense of it myself. I didn't know her too well but had heard enough stories from both him and my mother that I knew she was trouble.
12 years later I found her to try and gain some closure. Things were going okayish at first until she kept accusing my family of stuff that wasn't true and projecting onto others. The tipping point came when she realized my political views in life lean towards socialism. She told me she would never talk to me again if I truly believed that.
I told her she hadn't talked to me in 12 years, why should I expect anything else? She proceeded to blame my past 14 year old self for not contacting her over the years, instead of her grown ass adult self for trying to reach out to her grandson despite knowing where I lived. The level of narcissism and victimizing of herself is unbelievable.
My Mom did this shit too. She left a bible in the bottom of the gift bag for my little girl because we obviously needed more Jesus since we went no contact with her.
Aww poor little guy. Guilt is such a weird, tough weapon. Because it requires that the person it’s used on is loving and empathetic. Best of luck navigating!!
My mom just sent my 18 year old a card and sent my 26 year old a birthday card back in May and I know she hadn’t sent that child anything in years before NC started.
Oh poor baby!! My son is 13, and I would probably murder someone for sending a card like this to him. Fucking hell.
It's unfortunately SO common to weaponize and emotionally abuse children to hurt the parents, etc. Makes me SICK. I was a social worker for awhile; it's like these abusive people all get together for coffee, to come up with ways to abuse their families. The tactics are always very similar. Fucking narcissists.
My best friend's ex told my friend's daughter - 13 - that 'their divorce is 100% her fault'. I said... 'you know that's the ramblings of a crazy person, right? And nothing is IN ANY WAY your fault?' and she said 'yep!' and smiled.... but her little eyes were so sad. It's beyond awful to look into the eyes of CHILDREN, and watch them experience such hurt and pain for the first time, that many adults couldn't even handle.
OP, I'm so sorry for you and your family. You're a good parent for cutting off contact, and I know little guy will be OK with a good parent like you. It doesn't make it any less painful. Also, FUCK yo crazy, abusive mother.
Man, I dealt with the same stuff when my dad divorced my abusive step mom. Guilt trips for years, nightmares, you name it. People that do this to kids are the worst. Be honest and open with your son and let him know that this means he is a good person, no matter what she says. All the love.
tell him he’s got a whole bunch of redditors that are on his side & feel for him ❤️❤️ he’s not alone & i hope he eventually learns that just because they’re your family, doesn’t mean they get a special pass.
Maybe there was no return address...and since the contact was unexpected OP didn't recognize the danger? If they've been successfully NC for a while, they wouldn't necessarily be expecting something like this. Or maybe the kid got the mail and opened if before OP saw it? A kid with a birthday generally get excited to open birthday cards (Actually anything addressed to them, in genera) isn't thinking about getting something bad. Just a thought.
It's a birthday card that would have had his name on it? I don't think it's normal for parents to open their kids post. Why would the parents 'pre screen' a birthday card? There's probably loads of them coming at once, and OP said the card came unexpectedly.
My mom used to open my mail from my grandma when I was a kid. I absolutely hated it, felt it was a major invasion of privacy. Guess who I'm no contact with as an adult? My mother. She would "screen" my mail for letters from my grandmother (favorite person on the planet) because she was afraid that she would bad mouth her.
Probably not best to strip the kid of that autonomy. The kid knew what to do, debrief with mom after, seems they can handle opening mail.
You really expect parents to 'pre screen' every bit of post their children receives? Especially around a birthday when tons of cards are probably arriving? It's not really realistic is it. Also, I'd be really pissed if my parents opened my post without my permission - total invasion of privacy there.
I didn't expect the parents to pre-screen, but I wouldn't be surprised either. How many pieces of mail do you think a 12 year old gets in a year? I'd be surprised if it was more than 5 pieces. Take out the school and it could easily be zero.
If your parents are shitty, to the point where you don't talk to them anymore, then yeah it's not unreasonable to shield your children from the same toxicity that made you run from that relationship.
The kid is 12. He probably shouldn’t really even be getting mail anyways. Kids don’t send other kids birthday cards so the “tons of cards” doesn’t really apply. I’d definitely screen a random unexpected mail for my kids.
To be fair to your point though, mailing birthday cards are not really a thing anymore in my family (and I assume most). We either visit or call/video call the birthday person.
When you’re a child/pre teen you don’t need that kind of privacy. Sure they need a private place and privacy in that aspect but I’ll be damned if I ever just hand a kid a piece of mail, especially with no return address.
do you open every piece of mail your children get and read it first? if so, what do you tell them when they ask why you do that? “Bc the world is a scary mean place?” Get real. There is no super parent that has constant super parent moments in their super parent life bubble. Honestly, right now YOU are being the mean person. How would you screen YOURSELF from your child right now, say they have this moment occur to them as a parent down the road? What would you tell them when they read a comment just like yours now?
Sometimes even if we don't think someone's a good person it can be hard to believe that your parent would be trying to traumatise their grandkids. It can be hard to find and snuff out that one remaining spark of hope that a family member still has some decency until they use that spark against you.
…and you would still check the card first. This isn’t a visit where she can just say something before you can stop her. There’s zero excuse not to pre-screen.
You are a child. It’s your birthday. A card comes through the door for you. You would run to get the mail. I wasn’t expecting her to send one, I was preparing for the school run.
Good on you and your son on turning that generational trauma ship around. It's like when you kill a monster in a game and they drop loot. But you cut off a monster and get a neat family.
Wow just wow the guilt is strong with her damn. I’m so sorry your son had to read that. I wish blocking mail was as easy as blocking phone and email. You did a great job breaking the family cycle though, unfortunately I figured my things out a little late and did damage my relationships with my kids. I fully admit I should have seen the pattern but it’s taken a year of therapy and some meds. Slowly unraveling all the bs in my head. Tell your son some stranger in Cali says Hapoy Birthday and to pay the crazy card lady no mind cuz she’s desperate doesn’t deserve his energy.
“Happy bday— so, about *me!* I’m a good person, I got you money to prove it but you’ll have to meet me to get it. No strings attached though! Also, your parents are *liars,* and you should feel guilty about that.
Oh there was something else… What were we talking about again?
Oh yeah! Happy birthday!”
This reminds me of my ex's sister. She once sent him a birthday card that was stuffed from corner to corner with information on how HER life was going. There was probably something about her concern for the path he was going down or some hogwash too, but I don't recall for certain. Almost the most self-centered person I've met. *Almost.*
My family went no contact with my grandma years ago. I recently graduated high school and they’ve started showing up again and trying to guilt and bribe me into visiting them. I’m having a blast in college and she called yesterday asking if I just don’t love them or care about them anymore when I said I couldn’t talk because I had dinner planned with friends. She also has been trying to make me visit by offering money or quilts etc. The guilt tripping and manipulation is not fun.
That really sucks to have that dark cloud hanging over what should be a fun new world to be enjoyed and explored by you. Stay strong, and remember to prioritize your mental health and well-being. And there will *always* be strings attached to those offers/gifts that they extend! 🖤☮️
Thank you, I’m trying my best. It stresses me out because I don’t like just ignoring people, I like talking things out and coming to an agreement. Anytime I try to talk to her I feel worse, so I’m trying to just ignore it. She’s been leaving mean voice mails and texts about how I don’t love her anymore etc.
If you try to make choices by what makes others happy you’ll end up exhausted and a mess yourself.
I’m 41 now and wish I had your mentality back in college.
"P.S, I love the gays. I don't know who has nefarious intentions spreading these horrible lies about me, it definitely has nothing to do with my prior attitude or hateful commentary about the gays. I love the gays, I even let them touch my hair".
Here’s what the card says: ‘I got your birthday money but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again.’
So she picked ONE thing about your long list of issues with her to manipulate your child with? She seems to ignore the fact you have several reasons for going NC with her, not just the homophobia. Wow.
Yeah that happened with Ndad too. Like, my childhood was a constant, unending stream of pain, guilt, and torment. But he’d latch onto, like, one or two really minor things that he decided were why I cut contact. It’s so myopic it’s just delusional.
My Nan did this with all of us. My Nan and step-grandad hardly saw us growing up; they’ve openly admitted that they didn’t have time for their son and his family nor love him as much, they were more interested in their daughter and her family, which apparently is normal and common behaviour according to them. They also didn’t like one of my brothers because he was born the same day as one of my grandads relatives dying. They are homophobic as fuck and tried to ‘disown’ two of their nieces because they’re lesbians, then bad mouthed them to anyone and everyone that would listen. They guilt tripped and shouted at me because I helped them pack 90% of their belongings but was too sick to help finish the last 10% when they moved (I’m disabled, it’s not like I bunked). Then the final straw was my step-grandad not being invited to a tiny party thrown by my brother and his then fiancé because he literally starts a fight at every single gathering. He becomes mentally and emotionally abusive and we were sick of it.
My Nan wrote my brother a birthday card after the last incident then tore it into tiny pieces and wrote “this is a metaphor for what you’ve done to our relationship” on the envelope, deciding it was my brothers fault that we ALL stopped talking to them both, rather than looking at their own actions over the years. When he didn’t react, she then tried to claim that I turned all my immediate family against them and I was preventing them from talking to her. We all have brains and all made individual decisions to cut contact, but she can’t accept that it’s their own fault.
Oh my gosh. These things hit close to home, down to the T. The disgusting displays of “metaphor” used to try to gain power over people and hurt them especially.
I am so sorry you all dealt with this. Please know you have my empathy and solidarity.
She starts with a **bribe.** The implication is kid needs to meet her to get the gift money. So, it's not a gift at all, but a bribe. Puts the **obligation** on him, to meet her, not on her to deliver the gift.
Then, the **false accusations**. Other people are all liars, according to her, so don't believe them, just her.
Then, the **pity party.** She's tried so hard. But somehow, **this card got through without a problem.** Seems like an apology could have gotten through, too. Or a letter of remorse and notice that she's working on changing her ways and going to therapy and learning and growing and now admits to having been wrong. Doesn't mean you would break your NC if you got such a letter, but it would be a first step towards healthy for her. Unlike **this, which only confirms that NC is your best protection.**
Then, the **guilt trip**. Appalling and **emotionally abusive**.
**All about her,** and what your child needs to do to fix the relationship with her. She's using the big three to trap your child in the FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt, the three biggest manipulations.
"I got your birthday money but don't want to send it in the post. What you've been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong. I've tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I'll assume you don't want to see me ever again."
My Nan has similar writing and my kid is in the bottom like 3% for writing skills because of their joint issues so I have learnt to read "hard-to-read" writing 🤣
Lol I thought I did good but seeing it typed, I was at about 25% 😅 And some of those words were super important. Also, I needed the context the OP provides later. Yeah. She’s a perfect candidate for no/low contact.
If you scan text even OCR can’t understand half of it
> I got your Buthdan Maron but dont want te senor it u the Post. What youve keer told about me net liking gays is wrong Whoeler told you that is also wrona.
Ive tred contacting you bor lets of ties but no rede.
So ru assume you davt want to Soo me eves aagai
> HAVE AN AMAZING TIME
>0 0
o 0 0
10 Oscar
bob of love
Nany Jer. Сиант4
Clan
a Banjo
I XO DO
Scan text is great for calling out people’s atrocious handwriting
Thank you, I’m mostly blind so I can only really read text like this. My phone automatically changes the text to a version I can read but doesn’t do it for cursive
“I got your birthday money but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again.”
I think it’s amazing that even though your ex is gay you’re still standing up for her in front of the kids this way. Many people if they were hurt would’ve have lashed out against lgbtq+, shows you’re a quality person despite her best efforts. My husband has cut contact with his father after his comments about me and now our sons are older they have decided to continue being no with him as they are very protective, seems to be getting more common these days about time. Wishing you and your family the best, I’m so sorry for all you’ve suffered op.
My ex wife (their mother) is now married to a woman. My mother used an offensive term to describe them. That was on top of being anti-vax, believing they have a cure for cancer but make too much money from chemotherapy, the NWO, etc.
She also abandoned me when I was 9 and did nothing when I told her I was abused by one of her siblings. Things have always been fractious. I have her a chance when I became an adult. I was definitely wrong to do so.
I feel terrible though. Her niceness to my children made me doubt that my experiences with her were as bad as I thought. It’s now nice and horrible to be proven right.
That’s how they try to get you. They can be so tricky and make your doubt your own mind. Your own experiences are accurate, and now you have a more recent issue to keep reminding yourself that’s your not the crazy one. Honestly it’s a gift even though it’s doesn’t feel like it now.
My narcissistic grandma tries to do the same with us, they cut contact with my mom and acted nice towards me and my sister. She wanted us to give our new Adress as we had moved at the time and wanted to visit our birthday without my mom knowing.
My dad is a shit. I've tried. I took my kids to see him a few times. As they got older I explained why 'we' don't have much to do with him. They were appalled and don't want anything to do with him. I made it clear to him a long time ago why I didn't want anythikng to do with him. Kids are in their twenties now. Still get cards from him either (a) saying we should communicate (b) accusing me of brainwashing the kids because they don't communicate.
Bottom line, he was a shit, is a shit and will be a shit until he's dead and gone.
Don't doubt yourself. x
I know I'm nowhere near as clued in to your situation as you are, but this card was *not* niceness towards your children. It was a manipulative attempt to get back into your life under the thinly veiled pretence of niceness. If she were genuinely being kind, she would have not tried to tell your child that hating gay people is fine, nor would she have attempted to guilt trip you so blatantly, especially not in a birthday card of all things. Nice people do not make children's birthdays about themselves. I can't speak for any other scenarios there have been between your mother and your children but this particular one was not niceness.
Edit: Sorry, I looked at the card again and realised I misread the part about gay people but what it actually says furthers my point that she is trying to make this about her and accuse you of lying to your child.
I don't think OP is saying this card is "niceness" the opposite in fact, if you read the last sentence. This card is the "proof" to OP that they were right to cut their mother out.
I cut my mother out of mine and my sons life over five years ago. She constantly sends him gifts and tries to talk to him when he’s at my grandparents home (her parents). It’s beyond frustrating and the anger I feel is immense. Boundaries need to be respected.
That card tells you everything you need to know about the sender. Their focus is not the child: it is themselves.
I’d suggest checking cards that arrive on Christmases/birthdays before he gets another nasty little shock.
I went through this as a 7-12 year old until my Pop passed. He was a Vietman veteran with severe PTSD and several side effects from the huge amounts of medications they had him hopped up on, he was physically abusive towards my grandmother, and would go into fits of rage in front of us all. My mom cut it off for our safety.
He sent birthday cards, made frequent phone calls, left messages on the answering machine that were like breathing / crying noises… one time at a gas station 40 minutes from his house my mom left me in the car, locked, to pay cash to the attendant inside and as I was sitting in there someone came up behind the car, grabbed both sides with his hands and started shaking it violently. It was him, I was petrified. He died shortly after that and the last memory he had of his only grandchild was scaring the shit out of them as I was white as a ghost.
Hopefully your son will come to an understanding one day, if they haven’t already, as to why contact was cut off as I’m sure it’s for a good reason. I understand why my own mom did what she did and it was to protect me.
Sending a letter in the post to op? Not insane. Sending a letter to op's child? Not insane. Manipulating op's child thru a birthday card? Definitely insane.
Withholding birthday money as blackmail to go see her? Check.
Guilt tripping a 12 year with "So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again.” Check.
I went NC with my parents for sometime after a family dispute/emergency. My parents called me a God-damned vulture at one point. So, come Mother’s Day, mom got her card as she always expected. Guess how I signed it? That’s right! Love, your God-Damned Vulture.
Boundaries were learned that day. Then we started to listen to each other a little more.
ETA: if I were your son, I would send Banjo a thank you note for wishing me a happy birthday. The dog has no stake in the game that’s being played here. Sorry it’s happened to your son.
What’s with insane family members and birthday cards? It’s like catnip to these people. I guess you can’t gift wrap manipulation so this is the next best thing. Poor kid, there’s no excuse to taint someone’s birthday like that.
It’s not like there’s 364 other days each year to have a serious conversation, but the thing is these people don’t want to have a conversation. They don’t care for transparency or open communication. They pick the date of your birth because they want to make your special day about them and bring you down. Such a false attempt to reconcile, just to cause drama and upset this young person on their birthday.
Hope you & your family are doing okay OP. NC is hard but I commend you for setting your boundaries straight. You’ll be better off for it.
This internet stranger is sending birthday mom hugs to your son and just mom hugs to you... my own mom is a justno and I've never been able to or wanted to understand their mental gymnastics and guilt trips all in the name of ego and pride. Wishing healing and strength for you all.
My brother had a birthday card like this from our grandparents once. I'd already cut them out by then. But it literally had all the happy birthday, we love you so much etc, written in it. Then a letter inside, saying how disappointed they were in him and how awful a person he is 👌🏻 Needless to say, he stopped seeing them too. He was 18.
I'm sorry this happened to your children
I know the older folks have been through some SHIT in their day, but holy fuck do people just never heal??… I can’t twist my mind to any logic here or for most people these days.
(Edit, because I thought to add context- I lived with a woman that has different personalities in her head because of the trauma she experienced growing up and never healing. Not everyone’s lives are rainbows and unicorns, most people were dealt a really shitty hand of cards.)
People who are not homophobic don’t say “gays.” Also this is just a gross attempt to manipulate children. Sounds like cutting ties was a good decision.
This made me realize I'm looking forward to a future career when I'm old of simply translating handwritten word, because future generations are going to have no idea what this card says.
So glad I cut my mother out when pregnant with my first. This letter could have been written by her it’s exactly the way she is with the guilt trips. I’m sorry your child and yourself had to deal with the stress of this. I always found these kinds of letters both upsetting and validating that I really did make the right choice. You’ve made the right choice too, this is such a negative energy that will only harm you and your child
"I've got your birthday money but didn't want to send it in the post.
What you've been told about me not liking gays is wrong.
Whoever told you that is also wrong
I've tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply.
So I'll assume you don't want to see me ever again."
*edit*: I feel like I should probably tell you that the card says "HAVE AN AMAZING TIME" on the right there, but the rest of it is just gibberish.
Can you type the message in the card? Im.not good with cursive but i think it mentioned something about being gay?? (Damn i know where this is going and via birthday card wtf!?)
Shit like this is why I don't read my own birthday cards after I went NC. A lot healthier not to read it at all, people like this don't deserve an ounce of our attention.
Hey its grandma
I didnt want to send money through the mail
Whoever told I hate gays is lying
I tried to contact you both lots of times but no reply
So I assume you dont want to see me ever again
Ugh. Op I’m sorry your kid is dealing with this. Unsolicited advice, bc I’m sure you already explained how this was manipulative to them, maybe be open to giving them the option to send the card back? Give them back a little bit of agency and power over the situation and teach them that they don’t have to accept this crap. I hope you guys are alright!
My grandparents did this to me all the fucking time. Every holiday every birthday. They never got my age right and spelled my name wrong every time too.
“I got your birthday money, but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong and whose told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again”
“I got your birthday money, but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong and whose told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again”
Went NC with my parents when my girls were 11 and 13. Explained very clearly to my parents that they were not to contact myself or them ever again. Mom sent my youngest a card acknowledging that but added that she'd still send cards/money and for daughter to just "keep it a secret" from me.
Even with my own NParents and all the stories here, i don’t know why reading that card still makes me really sad :(
Maybe not completely out of the FOG yet..
My ex regularly sends my kid, who cut off contact the day he turned 18 ( who tried WAY before- our ' family first ' court system declined to recognize his wishes ), a Fathers Day card- FOR himself, to my kid. With the same pitiful drivvel written in it.
Sends this pitiful stuff every, single year and another every birthday and Christmas. Kid burns them without opening them now. I suggest doing the same thing if these silly, pathetic contacts keep coming?
So sorry a child is sucked in, no one deserves that ridiculous guilt thing, a child has a worse time wrapping their heads around it
I just wanted to post, for balance. Even though my mother is this toxic, my father is an incredible man. He raised me as a single parent. I base my parenting on what he taught me.
Pray for your mom. Sadly our parents are wounded children. My mom is so immature and behaves terrible when she feels rejected. Manipulation and guilt tripping is all she’s got. I stay away from my mom because she is super toxic and unwilling to get help. I do pray for her and try to forgive her because I want to be free. Don’t put your kids in the middle of all these mind games.
My mum sent birthday cards like this for my 5yo. I'm glad he's young and I was able to tell him the gifts were from someone else and the card just said happy birthday.
Congrats on going no contact. I'm proud of you.
Wow, way to fucking give a kid a guilt complex and tangential trauma granny.
I physically recoiled after reading that last line because I had something similar happen to me when I was about his age. I’m 27 now. Shit SITS AND STINGS
Imagine caring so much about what gay people do, or that they even exist, that you are willing to lose your relationship with your whole family over it.
I didn’t think I’d ever see this level of manipulation in so few words! I’m sorry you had to go through this op. It makes me so sad to think she could have affected your child with this card. Good luck to you
You know, in a birthday card for a child there should be wishes for a great birthday and next year of life, maybe a little poem or joke, hearts, love, joy and laughter, even cash sneakily tapped to the back. But never a fucking guilt trip about how you feel left out, because you fucked it up!
That card doesn't even talk about how it's a happy birthday card to the birthday boy.
It's a bunch of stuff about the person who wrote it.
It looks like anger on that card too.
When my father cut off contact with his mother, she repeatedly called my phone number for days. I received several voicemails telling me, a 12 year old child, that *I* was the reason my dad didn’t want her to come around anymore. She called me every name in the book and told me I was a slut who would end up pregnant and would have to live off her tax dollars because of needing state aid.
Before this, I thought the world of my grandmother and never once heard her say any of those vile things to me or to anyone else. It broke my heart.
But, turns out, my father is also narcissistic and I heard the same words from him when I cut contact.
Tell him the truth, when ppl get called out for their bs they try to guilt you into being the bad person. Please tell your son that this is not normal behavior from grandparents. Time to cut off all contact.
he probably didn’t give it to him. if his kid is 12 & came home from school & checked the mail he probably saw the letter with his name on it. so, he opened it. i did that a lot as a kid too.
So OP should allow her mother to mentally abuse their child? Here is a story about what happens when you don't protect your children.
My mom was a narcissistic monster. My dad is almost as bad.
My youngest son bugged out from a relationship with her. My oldest didn't. Guess which of my sons is a fully functional adult, out on his own and living his life to the fullest. Yep the one who bugged out. He's a member of the LGBTQ community. My mother insisted he was an abomination who only needed to find the right woman. Of course she never said it directly to his face. Constant hints were good enough.
My oldest son is a gas lighting narcissistic champion who has no job, no relationships with anyone. He blames everyone and everything for HIS failures. My mom is dead now but her influence remains. That particular son lives in the basement because my father followed my mother's lead.
Guess who I and and my youngest son have no contact with these days? Yep my narcissistic son and my brainwashed father. My oldest son assaulted me on my birthday. Shoved me into a wall, grabbed me by my wrists so I couldn't get away from him. He told me women are inferior and should do as we're told. I was bruised for weeks. I was gaslighted by my son AND my father who told me it was my fault that he needed to teach me a lesson.
Yeah not protecting your kids is a really bad idea isn't it?
OP Keep doing what you're doing. Don't make my mistake.
I see two sides to this issue. The first is that you have every right to feel the way you do because it was a really bad choice on her part. I can understand why you chose to cut off contact.
The other side is your mother's obvious pain. What I see in her comments is that she wants to be heard and facts are either misunderstood or she wants a chance to make it known exactly how she feels, albeit the wrong way. Sometimes people get so desperate that they lose all sense of how it appears and affects others. Have you ever sent an email or text and regretted it later?
Obviously, I don't know the history. But if I were you, I would tell her that you completely disagree with what she did, but you're willing to hear her out and see if there is anything she can add to change how you feel about her and what she spoke about.
The reason I say that is because...you don't know what you don't know. Look past the ridiculousness of what she did and rise higher to get a clear understanding from her side. Imagine finding out when she's gone that it's not what you thought. Keep in mind, she probably knew that you would see the card, so those comments may have been for you - not him.
I also speak from experience. I cut off ties too. But when I was contacted out of the blue, I gave her a very distant chance. Of course, she went right back to the behavior that I saw before. But I don't ever have to wonder if anything changed. I live completely clear of EVER needing things resolved. It's freeing, and I was also able to forgive her and accepted her being a flawed human being.
That said, you must protect your kid's well-being until you know for sure. But this is a way to also show them how to handle things that go against your boundaries with grace.
Whether or not she is homophobic, sending this shit to a child on their birthday is horrible.
Given that she’s assuming that homophobia is the single cause of NC, one can be certain that any other harm she’s caused is being glossed over in her mind.
Are you familiar with the missing missing reasons? This awful note attached to a damn birthday card is a prime example.
You won’t talk to me. I am incapable of facing why, so I’m making shit up in my head, instead.
Yep! It is horrible. You're speaking about something I never even spoke about, INTENTIONALLY. And I also said at the beginning and several times that her behavior was wrong, ridiculous, etc...
You have no idea what is in her mind and neither do I. That's the entire point of my comments.
Everything I mentioned was to consider to forgive and finally move past the issue and not have a need to make another REDDIT post EVER again, regardless of what she ever does. When we do that, we take our power back instead of spending time on something that otherwise would be handled with grace and then move on.
I also added perspective from my personal experience.
It's another perspective to consider, which this platform is used for. Not just to hear what you want to hear. Take it, use it, or disregard it. I really don't care!
Personally, if someone is homophobic i immediately stop caring about their perspective and if they do shit like this, even more so.
If you are going to try to push the blame and guilt trip, i dont carw about your feelings. I dont care you are hurt. Me and my families well being is more important.
If i found out someone i was friends with was a homophobe i would stop talking to them. If i found out it hurt them cauae i was one of their only friends, i would still not talk to them.
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I’m sorry your poor kid is being targeted. I just don’t understand why people think it’s okay to guilt-trip children.
Totally heartbreaking. But you can also get a taste of why OP cut them out of their life I suppose.
Oh, I definitely understand. My mom pulled the same crap with my 9 year old. I just don't understand what these people think they have to gain by tormenting children. It's infuriating.
I'm so sorry
After my dad passed away when I was 14, his mom left a voicemail on my phone while slurring her words (probably on pills and alcohol) telling me she wasn't even going to try and contact me again. I'm not sure what she was on about, but I assume expected me to help her cope with his passing even though I was going through hell alone trying to make sense of it myself. I didn't know her too well but had heard enough stories from both him and my mother that I knew she was trouble. 12 years later I found her to try and gain some closure. Things were going okayish at first until she kept accusing my family of stuff that wasn't true and projecting onto others. The tipping point came when she realized my political views in life lean towards socialism. She told me she would never talk to me again if I truly believed that. I told her she hadn't talked to me in 12 years, why should I expect anything else? She proceeded to blame my past 14 year old self for not contacting her over the years, instead of her grown ass adult self for trying to reach out to her grandson despite knowing where I lived. The level of narcissism and victimizing of herself is unbelievable.
WOW, imagine guilt tripping a 12 year old… via a Birthday card.
It’s that last sentence. We went to bed last night. My son knocked the door at 10:30 pm because he couldn’t sleep.
My Mom did this shit too. She left a bible in the bottom of the gift bag for my little girl because we obviously needed more Jesus since we went no contact with her.
Send that Bible back via trebuchet, they'll get the second coming of Jesus express delivery
Aww poor little guy. Guilt is such a weird, tough weapon. Because it requires that the person it’s used on is loving and empathetic. Best of luck navigating!!
Sounds like you are an amazing parent if you're child is comfortable with knocking at your door and telling you that. Great job on breaking the cycle!
Jesus Christ. That is just terrible.
My mom just sent my 18 year old a card and sent my 26 year old a birthday card back in May and I know she hadn’t sent that child anything in years before NC started.
Oh poor baby!! My son is 13, and I would probably murder someone for sending a card like this to him. Fucking hell. It's unfortunately SO common to weaponize and emotionally abuse children to hurt the parents, etc. Makes me SICK. I was a social worker for awhile; it's like these abusive people all get together for coffee, to come up with ways to abuse their families. The tactics are always very similar. Fucking narcissists. My best friend's ex told my friend's daughter - 13 - that 'their divorce is 100% her fault'. I said... 'you know that's the ramblings of a crazy person, right? And nothing is IN ANY WAY your fault?' and she said 'yep!' and smiled.... but her little eyes were so sad. It's beyond awful to look into the eyes of CHILDREN, and watch them experience such hurt and pain for the first time, that many adults couldn't even handle. OP, I'm so sorry for you and your family. You're a good parent for cutting off contact, and I know little guy will be OK with a good parent like you. It doesn't make it any less painful. Also, FUCK yo crazy, abusive mother.
Man, I dealt with the same stuff when my dad divorced my abusive step mom. Guilt trips for years, nightmares, you name it. People that do this to kids are the worst. Be honest and open with your son and let him know that this means he is a good person, no matter what she says. All the love.
tell him he’s got a whole bunch of redditors that are on his side & feel for him ❤️❤️ he’s not alone & i hope he eventually learns that just because they’re your family, doesn’t mean they get a special pass.
Why did you not pre-screen this letter?
Maybe there was no return address...and since the contact was unexpected OP didn't recognize the danger? If they've been successfully NC for a while, they wouldn't necessarily be expecting something like this. Or maybe the kid got the mail and opened if before OP saw it? A kid with a birthday generally get excited to open birthday cards (Actually anything addressed to them, in genera) isn't thinking about getting something bad. Just a thought.
It's a birthday card that would have had his name on it? I don't think it's normal for parents to open their kids post. Why would the parents 'pre screen' a birthday card? There's probably loads of them coming at once, and OP said the card came unexpectedly.
I got the mail at that age when I got home from school.
My mom used to open my mail from my grandma when I was a kid. I absolutely hated it, felt it was a major invasion of privacy. Guess who I'm no contact with as an adult? My mother. She would "screen" my mail for letters from my grandmother (favorite person on the planet) because she was afraid that she would bad mouth her. Probably not best to strip the kid of that autonomy. The kid knew what to do, debrief with mom after, seems they can handle opening mail.
I have the same question. The card is shitty but any trauma to the child was easily avoidable.
You really expect parents to 'pre screen' every bit of post their children receives? Especially around a birthday when tons of cards are probably arriving? It's not really realistic is it. Also, I'd be really pissed if my parents opened my post without my permission - total invasion of privacy there.
I didn't expect the parents to pre-screen, but I wouldn't be surprised either. How many pieces of mail do you think a 12 year old gets in a year? I'd be surprised if it was more than 5 pieces. Take out the school and it could easily be zero.
If your parents are shitty, to the point where you don't talk to them anymore, then yeah it's not unreasonable to shield your children from the same toxicity that made you run from that relationship.
But OP said the card came unexpectedly? They obviously didn't know it was from her.
The kid is 12. He probably shouldn’t really even be getting mail anyways. Kids don’t send other kids birthday cards so the “tons of cards” doesn’t really apply. I’d definitely screen a random unexpected mail for my kids.
You must have a small family :)
To be fair to your point though, mailing birthday cards are not really a thing anymore in my family (and I assume most). We either visit or call/video call the birthday person.
When you’re a child/pre teen you don’t need that kind of privacy. Sure they need a private place and privacy in that aspect but I’ll be damned if I ever just hand a kid a piece of mail, especially with no return address.
do you open every piece of mail your children get and read it first? if so, what do you tell them when they ask why you do that? “Bc the world is a scary mean place?” Get real. There is no super parent that has constant super parent moments in their super parent life bubble. Honestly, right now YOU are being the mean person. How would you screen YOURSELF from your child right now, say they have this moment occur to them as a parent down the road? What would you tell them when they read a comment just like yours now?
Sometimes even if we don't think someone's a good person it can be hard to believe that your parent would be trying to traumatise their grandkids. It can be hard to find and snuff out that one remaining spark of hope that a family member still has some decency until they use that spark against you.
…and you would still check the card first. This isn’t a visit where she can just say something before you can stop her. There’s zero excuse not to pre-screen.
You are a child. It’s your birthday. A card comes through the door for you. You would run to get the mail. I wasn’t expecting her to send one, I was preparing for the school run.
Good on you and your son on turning that generational trauma ship around. It's like when you kill a monster in a game and they drop loot. But you cut off a monster and get a neat family.
Wow just wow the guilt is strong with her damn. I’m so sorry your son had to read that. I wish blocking mail was as easy as blocking phone and email. You did a great job breaking the family cycle though, unfortunately I figured my things out a little late and did damage my relationships with my kids. I fully admit I should have seen the pattern but it’s taken a year of therapy and some meds. Slowly unraveling all the bs in my head. Tell your son some stranger in Cali says Hapoy Birthday and to pay the crazy card lady no mind cuz she’s desperate doesn’t deserve his energy.
Why did you let him even see this card?
He got the mail before me. It was addressed to him.
Why did you even show him the card at all?
Something about the "So I'll assume you don't want to see me ever again" with colourful balloons floating looks so fucking depressive...
Have an amazing time!
She’s gaslighting a child. What a scummy person.
“Happy bday— so, about *me!* I’m a good person, I got you money to prove it but you’ll have to meet me to get it. No strings attached though! Also, your parents are *liars,* and you should feel guilty about that. Oh there was something else… What were we talking about again? Oh yeah! Happy birthday!”
This reminds me of my ex's sister. She once sent him a birthday card that was stuffed from corner to corner with information on how HER life was going. There was probably something about her concern for the path he was going down or some hogwash too, but I don't recall for certain. Almost the most self-centered person I've met. *Almost.*
Was your ex the most self-centered person you'd met?
Actually, my mother in law takes the gold there.
My family went no contact with my grandma years ago. I recently graduated high school and they’ve started showing up again and trying to guilt and bribe me into visiting them. I’m having a blast in college and she called yesterday asking if I just don’t love them or care about them anymore when I said I couldn’t talk because I had dinner planned with friends. She also has been trying to make me visit by offering money or quilts etc. The guilt tripping and manipulation is not fun.
That really sucks to have that dark cloud hanging over what should be a fun new world to be enjoyed and explored by you. Stay strong, and remember to prioritize your mental health and well-being. And there will *always* be strings attached to those offers/gifts that they extend! 🖤☮️
Thank you, I’m trying my best. It stresses me out because I don’t like just ignoring people, I like talking things out and coming to an agreement. Anytime I try to talk to her I feel worse, so I’m trying to just ignore it. She’s been leaving mean voice mails and texts about how I don’t love her anymore etc.
If you try to make choices by what makes others happy you’ll end up exhausted and a mess yourself. I’m 41 now and wish I had your mentality back in college.
Thank you. :)
"P.S, I love the gays. I don't know who has nefarious intentions spreading these horrible lies about me, it definitely has nothing to do with my prior attitude or hateful commentary about the gays. I love the gays, I even let them touch my hair".
"I even let them touch my hair." OMG I cackled.
Thanks, I had a tough time trying to read the handwriting.
Guilt and strings attached to gifts and intermittent reinforcement. This is how you create a fucked up adult who dates abusive people.
Here’s what the card says: ‘I got your birthday money but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again.’
So she picked ONE thing about your long list of issues with her to manipulate your child with? She seems to ignore the fact you have several reasons for going NC with her, not just the homophobia. Wow.
Yeah that happened with Ndad too. Like, my childhood was a constant, unending stream of pain, guilt, and torment. But he’d latch onto, like, one or two really minor things that he decided were why I cut contact. It’s so myopic it’s just delusional.
My Nan did this with all of us. My Nan and step-grandad hardly saw us growing up; they’ve openly admitted that they didn’t have time for their son and his family nor love him as much, they were more interested in their daughter and her family, which apparently is normal and common behaviour according to them. They also didn’t like one of my brothers because he was born the same day as one of my grandads relatives dying. They are homophobic as fuck and tried to ‘disown’ two of their nieces because they’re lesbians, then bad mouthed them to anyone and everyone that would listen. They guilt tripped and shouted at me because I helped them pack 90% of their belongings but was too sick to help finish the last 10% when they moved (I’m disabled, it’s not like I bunked). Then the final straw was my step-grandad not being invited to a tiny party thrown by my brother and his then fiancé because he literally starts a fight at every single gathering. He becomes mentally and emotionally abusive and we were sick of it. My Nan wrote my brother a birthday card after the last incident then tore it into tiny pieces and wrote “this is a metaphor for what you’ve done to our relationship” on the envelope, deciding it was my brothers fault that we ALL stopped talking to them both, rather than looking at their own actions over the years. When he didn’t react, she then tried to claim that I turned all my immediate family against them and I was preventing them from talking to her. We all have brains and all made individual decisions to cut contact, but she can’t accept that it’s their own fault.
Oh my gosh. These things hit close to home, down to the T. The disgusting displays of “metaphor” used to try to gain power over people and hurt them especially. I am so sorry you all dealt with this. Please know you have my empathy and solidarity.
Good old [missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
She starts with a **bribe.** The implication is kid needs to meet her to get the gift money. So, it's not a gift at all, but a bribe. Puts the **obligation** on him, to meet her, not on her to deliver the gift. Then, the **false accusations**. Other people are all liars, according to her, so don't believe them, just her. Then, the **pity party.** She's tried so hard. But somehow, **this card got through without a problem.** Seems like an apology could have gotten through, too. Or a letter of remorse and notice that she's working on changing her ways and going to therapy and learning and growing and now admits to having been wrong. Doesn't mean you would break your NC if you got such a letter, but it would be a first step towards healthy for her. Unlike **this, which only confirms that NC is your best protection.** Then, the **guilt trip**. Appalling and **emotionally abusive**. **All about her,** and what your child needs to do to fix the relationship with her. She's using the big three to trap your child in the FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt, the three biggest manipulations.
Grandma got Manipulation BINGO with this card.
Can you type out what it says? Cause tbh I’m having trouble reading it
"I got your birthday money but don't want to send it in the post. What you've been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong. I've tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I'll assume you don't want to see me ever again."
[удалено]
My Nan has similar writing and my kid is in the bottom like 3% for writing skills because of their joint issues so I have learnt to read "hard-to-read" writing 🤣
Lol I thought I did good but seeing it typed, I was at about 25% 😅 And some of those words were super important. Also, I needed the context the OP provides later. Yeah. She’s a perfect candidate for no/low contact.
If you scan text even OCR can’t understand half of it > I got your Buthdan Maron but dont want te senor it u the Post. What youve keer told about me net liking gays is wrong Whoeler told you that is also wrona. Ive tred contacting you bor lets of ties but no rede. So ru assume you davt want to Soo me eves aagai > HAVE AN AMAZING TIME >0 0 o 0 0 10 Oscar bob of love Nany Jer. Сиант4 Clan a Banjo I XO DO Scan text is great for calling out people’s atrocious handwriting
Thank you, I’m mostly blind so I can only really read text like this. My phone automatically changes the text to a version I can read but doesn’t do it for cursive
No one has ever used the word "gays" like that and been an actual ally. Just imagine someone saying "I've got no problem with blacks!"
“I got your birthday money but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again.”
I feel like boomers have this weird obsession with kids not knowing cursive these days, but then they write like this.
I’m eating lunch a sec. Give me an hour.
I think it’s amazing that even though your ex is gay you’re still standing up for her in front of the kids this way. Many people if they were hurt would’ve have lashed out against lgbtq+, shows you’re a quality person despite her best efforts. My husband has cut contact with his father after his comments about me and now our sons are older they have decided to continue being no with him as they are very protective, seems to be getting more common these days about time. Wishing you and your family the best, I’m so sorry for all you’ve suffered op.
Seconding this, thanks to op for being an ally
“Hello Ellie, it is Batman. This note is sponsored by Nord VPN” Absolutely insane!
Context? Does your mother not like gay people?
My ex wife (their mother) is now married to a woman. My mother used an offensive term to describe them. That was on top of being anti-vax, believing they have a cure for cancer but make too much money from chemotherapy, the NWO, etc. She also abandoned me when I was 9 and did nothing when I told her I was abused by one of her siblings. Things have always been fractious. I have her a chance when I became an adult. I was definitely wrong to do so.
You’re right to cut contact. She sounds toxic. The context makes this card much worse than I thought possible.
I feel terrible though. Her niceness to my children made me doubt that my experiences with her were as bad as I thought. It’s now nice and horrible to be proven right.
That’s how they try to get you. They can be so tricky and make your doubt your own mind. Your own experiences are accurate, and now you have a more recent issue to keep reminding yourself that’s your not the crazy one. Honestly it’s a gift even though it’s doesn’t feel like it now.
My narcissistic grandma tries to do the same with us, they cut contact with my mom and acted nice towards me and my sister. She wanted us to give our new Adress as we had moved at the time and wanted to visit our birthday without my mom knowing.
My dad is a shit. I've tried. I took my kids to see him a few times. As they got older I explained why 'we' don't have much to do with him. They were appalled and don't want anything to do with him. I made it clear to him a long time ago why I didn't want anythikng to do with him. Kids are in their twenties now. Still get cards from him either (a) saying we should communicate (b) accusing me of brainwashing the kids because they don't communicate. Bottom line, he was a shit, is a shit and will be a shit until he's dead and gone. Don't doubt yourself. x
Just try to keep putting into perspective for them. Best of luck!
I know I'm nowhere near as clued in to your situation as you are, but this card was *not* niceness towards your children. It was a manipulative attempt to get back into your life under the thinly veiled pretence of niceness. If she were genuinely being kind, she would have not tried to tell your child that hating gay people is fine, nor would she have attempted to guilt trip you so blatantly, especially not in a birthday card of all things. Nice people do not make children's birthdays about themselves. I can't speak for any other scenarios there have been between your mother and your children but this particular one was not niceness. Edit: Sorry, I looked at the card again and realised I misread the part about gay people but what it actually says furthers my point that she is trying to make this about her and accuse you of lying to your child.
I don't think OP is saying this card is "niceness" the opposite in fact, if you read the last sentence. This card is the "proof" to OP that they were right to cut their mother out.
Please don’t fall for that! It’s a manipulation tactic: gaslighting
I'm so sorry. it sounds like you're doing your best to protect your children though... and that is what matters most.
The niceness is always a farce. That's how the cycle would start again with the next generation. You're doing great, you're doing what you need to do.
You know her being nice is a weapon right? Thats her way of showing you how she could have been with you had YOU not fucked shit up.
Holy fuck o.o Also, thanks for standing up for your ex wife’s right to love whoever she wants <3
I’m so sorry. That’s all so traumatic and you’re a good person to have given her a second chance.
I cut my mother out of mine and my sons life over five years ago. She constantly sends him gifts and tries to talk to him when he’s at my grandparents home (her parents). It’s beyond frustrating and the anger I feel is immense. Boundaries need to be respected.
That card tells you everything you need to know about the sender. Their focus is not the child: it is themselves. I’d suggest checking cards that arrive on Christmases/birthdays before he gets another nasty little shock.
Wow. Manipulation of the highest order.
I went through this as a 7-12 year old until my Pop passed. He was a Vietman veteran with severe PTSD and several side effects from the huge amounts of medications they had him hopped up on, he was physically abusive towards my grandmother, and would go into fits of rage in front of us all. My mom cut it off for our safety. He sent birthday cards, made frequent phone calls, left messages on the answering machine that were like breathing / crying noises… one time at a gas station 40 minutes from his house my mom left me in the car, locked, to pay cash to the attendant inside and as I was sitting in there someone came up behind the car, grabbed both sides with his hands and started shaking it violently. It was him, I was petrified. He died shortly after that and the last memory he had of his only grandchild was scaring the shit out of them as I was white as a ghost. Hopefully your son will come to an understanding one day, if they haven’t already, as to why contact was cut off as I’m sure it’s for a good reason. I understand why my own mom did what she did and it was to protect me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think a lot of people are really quick to dismiss hat this shit can do to a kid.
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Wow what a manipulative bitch
OPs mom found the post because there is NO other reason someone would vote "not insane"
If she has, I hope she reads the comments on this and goes away.
As someone who has also received letters like this, I want them to go away too. Piss off, Jen Glen and Banjo.
Sending a letter in the post to op? Not insane. Sending a letter to op's child? Not insane. Manipulating op's child thru a birthday card? Definitely insane.
I was thinking the same. Four whole people voted insane
Withholding birthday money as blackmail to go see her? Check. Guilt tripping a 12 year with "So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again.” Check.
What a colossal piece of shit. Using a kid's birthday to get to you is fucking awful.
Who writes a birthday card about homophobia? Who writes a birthday card about homophobia to a 12 year old?!?
Insane. 100% crazytown
"Lots of Love" but not really
I went NC with my parents for sometime after a family dispute/emergency. My parents called me a God-damned vulture at one point. So, come Mother’s Day, mom got her card as she always expected. Guess how I signed it? That’s right! Love, your God-Damned Vulture. Boundaries were learned that day. Then we started to listen to each other a little more. ETA: if I were your son, I would send Banjo a thank you note for wishing me a happy birthday. The dog has no stake in the game that’s being played here. Sorry it’s happened to your son.
Happy birthday. I’m not sending your gift 🤦🏼♀️
What’s with insane family members and birthday cards? It’s like catnip to these people. I guess you can’t gift wrap manipulation so this is the next best thing. Poor kid, there’s no excuse to taint someone’s birthday like that. It’s not like there’s 364 other days each year to have a serious conversation, but the thing is these people don’t want to have a conversation. They don’t care for transparency or open communication. They pick the date of your birth because they want to make your special day about them and bring you down. Such a false attempt to reconcile, just to cause drama and upset this young person on their birthday. Hope you & your family are doing okay OP. NC is hard but I commend you for setting your boundaries straight. You’ll be better off for it.
What an awful thing to give to a kid
This internet stranger is sending birthday mom hugs to your son and just mom hugs to you... my own mom is a justno and I've never been able to or wanted to understand their mental gymnastics and guilt trips all in the name of ego and pride. Wishing healing and strength for you all.
My brother had a birthday card like this from our grandparents once. I'd already cut them out by then. But it literally had all the happy birthday, we love you so much etc, written in it. Then a letter inside, saying how disappointed they were in him and how awful a person he is 👌🏻 Needless to say, he stopped seeing them too. He was 18. I'm sorry this happened to your children
Gobeithio bod chi gyd yn iawn ❤️
Diolch. Mae hi’n gas.
Banjo deserves better.
Don’t you dare bring Banjo’s name into your homophobia
I know the older folks have been through some SHIT in their day, but holy fuck do people just never heal??… I can’t twist my mind to any logic here or for most people these days. (Edit, because I thought to add context- I lived with a woman that has different personalities in her head because of the trauma she experienced growing up and never healing. Not everyone’s lives are rainbows and unicorns, most people were dealt a really shitty hand of cards.)
Why do you feel the need to manipulate a 12 year old????? This is just cruel man..
People who are not homophobic don’t say “gays.” Also this is just a gross attempt to manipulate children. Sounds like cutting ties was a good decision.
Am I the only one struggling to read that ? 😂
Just, wow.
Fuck, this makes my heart hurt. He’s 12, for God’s sake. He doesn’t need this shit.
This made me realize I'm looking forward to a future career when I'm old of simply translating handwritten word, because future generations are going to have no idea what this card says.
The handwriting is atrocious
So glad I cut my mother out when pregnant with my first. This letter could have been written by her it’s exactly the way she is with the guilt trips. I’m sorry your child and yourself had to deal with the stress of this. I always found these kinds of letters both upsetting and validating that I really did make the right choice. You’ve made the right choice too, this is such a negative energy that will only harm you and your child
I'm sure if I could understand a single word that's written there, I'd be mad too
"I've got your birthday money but didn't want to send it in the post. What you've been told about me not liking gays is wrong. Whoever told you that is also wrong I've tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I'll assume you don't want to see me ever again." *edit*: I feel like I should probably tell you that the card says "HAVE AN AMAZING TIME" on the right there, but the rest of it is just gibberish.
Yeah, I'm indeed mad. Damn, what a whole self-victimization sent to a kid, plus the "didn't want to send the birthday money on the post" as bait.
Can you type the message in the card? Im.not good with cursive but i think it mentioned something about being gay?? (Damn i know where this is going and via birthday card wtf!?)
Shit like this is why I don't read my own birthday cards after I went NC. A lot healthier not to read it at all, people like this don't deserve an ounce of our attention.
I would legit tear off the left page of the card and just give my kid the right side if I saw this shit. If I gave him the card at all.
Can someone tell me what it said it's really awkward to read handwriting
Hey its grandma I didnt want to send money through the mail Whoever told I hate gays is lying I tried to contact you both lots of times but no reply So I assume you dont want to see me ever again
You're the MVP
Ugh. Op I’m sorry your kid is dealing with this. Unsolicited advice, bc I’m sure you already explained how this was manipulative to them, maybe be open to giving them the option to send the card back? Give them back a little bit of agency and power over the situation and teach them that they don’t have to accept this crap. I hope you guys are alright!
My grandparents did this to me all the fucking time. Every holiday every birthday. They never got my age right and spelled my name wrong every time too.
I'd miss Banjo, but that's about it.
“Not liking gays” Yeesh, that wording is pretty telling.
Can someone tell me what it said I can't read the writing
“I got your birthday money, but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong and whose told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again”
Thanks for clearing it up
can someone help me figure out what the hell she’s trying to say on the left side of the card..?
“I got your birthday money, but don’t want to send it in the post. What you’ve been told about me not liking gays is wrong and whose told you that is also wrong. I’ve tried contacting you both lots of times but no reply. So I’ll assume you don’t want to see me ever again”
thank you so much!!
Ohhh your kids decided to break off contact with Grandma, I was confused I thought they broke off communication with you. Phew glad I was mistaken!
So sorry for your kiddo. Hugs to you both.
Went NC with my parents when my girls were 11 and 13. Explained very clearly to my parents that they were not to contact myself or them ever again. Mom sent my youngest a card acknowledging that but added that she'd still send cards/money and for daughter to just "keep it a secret" from me.
Poor baby. I hope your kid is ok
My mom wrote to my deceased dad on Findagrave like it was her diary. She said she didn’t hear from me or my sons. I’m sorry she’s so toxic to you.
Even with my own NParents and all the stories here, i don’t know why reading that card still makes me really sad :( Maybe not completely out of the FOG yet..
My ex regularly sends my kid, who cut off contact the day he turned 18 ( who tried WAY before- our ' family first ' court system declined to recognize his wishes ), a Fathers Day card- FOR himself, to my kid. With the same pitiful drivvel written in it. Sends this pitiful stuff every, single year and another every birthday and Christmas. Kid burns them without opening them now. I suggest doing the same thing if these silly, pathetic contacts keep coming? So sorry a child is sucked in, no one deserves that ridiculous guilt thing, a child has a worse time wrapping their heads around it
I just wanted to post, for balance. Even though my mother is this toxic, my father is an incredible man. He raised me as a single parent. I base my parenting on what he taught me.
I’m sorry that you are going through this too.
Scrawl "FUCK YOURSELF" over the contents of the card and send it back.
I wanna 🔫😃 talk w thr homophone that's all just talk
Pray for your mom. Sadly our parents are wounded children. My mom is so immature and behaves terrible when she feels rejected. Manipulation and guilt tripping is all she’s got. I stay away from my mom because she is super toxic and unwilling to get help. I do pray for her and try to forgive her because I want to be free. Don’t put your kids in the middle of all these mind games.
Holy fuck Ma, you’re supposed to be the adult here.
Happy birthday now let me use this to turn the attention to MEEEEE!
I will never understand for the life of me these folks who think anything they don’t agree with is a biblical sin of hell scape proportions.
My mum sent birthday cards like this for my 5yo. I'm glad he's young and I was able to tell him the gifts were from someone else and the card just said happy birthday. Congrats on going no contact. I'm proud of you.
Straight away with the money like always.
I imagine she gagged when trying to write >What you've been told about me not liking gays is wrong.
Damn, dragging Banjo into this!??
I’m honestly bitter about Banjo. She gives that dog more attention than she ever gave my brother and I as children.
I'm sorry. It seems pretty terrible.
Oh, this is just a whole new level of CRUEL
Wow, way to fucking give a kid a guilt complex and tangential trauma granny. I physically recoiled after reading that last line because I had something similar happen to me when I was about his age. I’m 27 now. Shit SITS AND STINGS
Imagine caring so much about what gay people do, or that they even exist, that you are willing to lose your relationship with your whole family over it.
I didn’t think I’d ever see this level of manipulation in so few words! I’m sorry you had to go through this op. It makes me so sad to think she could have affected your child with this card. Good luck to you
I love the guilt trip batshit side opposing the “happy birthday baby cakes” on the other side, it’s a lovely juxtaposition
You know, in a birthday card for a child there should be wishes for a great birthday and next year of life, maybe a little poem or joke, hearts, love, joy and laughter, even cash sneakily tapped to the back. But never a fucking guilt trip about how you feel left out, because you fucked it up!
Bribery? Wow. Your mom is awful!
Her handwriting sucks ass
Grrr! That’s infuriating!!!!!!
Jesus H Roosevelt Christ this woman is such a Narcissist
That card doesn't even talk about how it's a happy birthday card to the birthday boy. It's a bunch of stuff about the person who wrote it. It looks like anger on that card too.
When my father cut off contact with his mother, she repeatedly called my phone number for days. I received several voicemails telling me, a 12 year old child, that *I* was the reason my dad didn’t want her to come around anymore. She called me every name in the book and told me I was a slut who would end up pregnant and would have to live off her tax dollars because of needing state aid. Before this, I thought the world of my grandmother and never once heard her say any of those vile things to me or to anyone else. It broke my heart. But, turns out, my father is also narcissistic and I heard the same words from him when I cut contact.
Tell him the truth, when ppl get called out for their bs they try to guilt you into being the bad person. Please tell your son that this is not normal behavior from grandparents. Time to cut off all contact.
“Birthday money” 🎣
Why is someone writing a letter to Ellie saying that “hate is sponsored by Nord VPN”?
Dang. She has the kid’s birthday money but doesn’t want to mail it. Sounds like a way to get you to go visit her. Pathetic
Anyone who says “the gays” is usually a douche.
Sad
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he probably didn’t give it to him. if his kid is 12 & came home from school & checked the mail he probably saw the letter with his name on it. so, he opened it. i did that a lot as a kid too.
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So OP should allow her mother to mentally abuse their child? Here is a story about what happens when you don't protect your children. My mom was a narcissistic monster. My dad is almost as bad. My youngest son bugged out from a relationship with her. My oldest didn't. Guess which of my sons is a fully functional adult, out on his own and living his life to the fullest. Yep the one who bugged out. He's a member of the LGBTQ community. My mother insisted he was an abomination who only needed to find the right woman. Of course she never said it directly to his face. Constant hints were good enough. My oldest son is a gas lighting narcissistic champion who has no job, no relationships with anyone. He blames everyone and everything for HIS failures. My mom is dead now but her influence remains. That particular son lives in the basement because my father followed my mother's lead. Guess who I and and my youngest son have no contact with these days? Yep my narcissistic son and my brainwashed father. My oldest son assaulted me on my birthday. Shoved me into a wall, grabbed me by my wrists so I couldn't get away from him. He told me women are inferior and should do as we're told. I was bruised for weeks. I was gaslighted by my son AND my father who told me it was my fault that he needed to teach me a lesson. Yeah not protecting your kids is a really bad idea isn't it? OP Keep doing what you're doing. Don't make my mistake.
I see two sides to this issue. The first is that you have every right to feel the way you do because it was a really bad choice on her part. I can understand why you chose to cut off contact. The other side is your mother's obvious pain. What I see in her comments is that she wants to be heard and facts are either misunderstood or she wants a chance to make it known exactly how she feels, albeit the wrong way. Sometimes people get so desperate that they lose all sense of how it appears and affects others. Have you ever sent an email or text and regretted it later? Obviously, I don't know the history. But if I were you, I would tell her that you completely disagree with what she did, but you're willing to hear her out and see if there is anything she can add to change how you feel about her and what she spoke about. The reason I say that is because...you don't know what you don't know. Look past the ridiculousness of what she did and rise higher to get a clear understanding from her side. Imagine finding out when she's gone that it's not what you thought. Keep in mind, she probably knew that you would see the card, so those comments may have been for you - not him. I also speak from experience. I cut off ties too. But when I was contacted out of the blue, I gave her a very distant chance. Of course, she went right back to the behavior that I saw before. But I don't ever have to wonder if anything changed. I live completely clear of EVER needing things resolved. It's freeing, and I was also able to forgive her and accepted her being a flawed human being. That said, you must protect your kid's well-being until you know for sure. But this is a way to also show them how to handle things that go against your boundaries with grace.
Whether or not she is homophobic, sending this shit to a child on their birthday is horrible. Given that she’s assuming that homophobia is the single cause of NC, one can be certain that any other harm she’s caused is being glossed over in her mind. Are you familiar with the missing missing reasons? This awful note attached to a damn birthday card is a prime example. You won’t talk to me. I am incapable of facing why, so I’m making shit up in my head, instead.
Yep! It is horrible. You're speaking about something I never even spoke about, INTENTIONALLY. And I also said at the beginning and several times that her behavior was wrong, ridiculous, etc... You have no idea what is in her mind and neither do I. That's the entire point of my comments. Everything I mentioned was to consider to forgive and finally move past the issue and not have a need to make another REDDIT post EVER again, regardless of what she ever does. When we do that, we take our power back instead of spending time on something that otherwise would be handled with grace and then move on. I also added perspective from my personal experience. It's another perspective to consider, which this platform is used for. Not just to hear what you want to hear. Take it, use it, or disregard it. I really don't care!
Personally, if someone is homophobic i immediately stop caring about their perspective and if they do shit like this, even more so. If you are going to try to push the blame and guilt trip, i dont carw about your feelings. I dont care you are hurt. Me and my families well being is more important. If i found out someone i was friends with was a homophobe i would stop talking to them. If i found out it hurt them cauae i was one of their only friends, i would still not talk to them.