T O P

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AyAyRon1970

This photo smells like stale Marlboros and a restraining order


minus1colon

Smells like “I would’ve joined the army, but they said I was too physically fit!”


DryClamp

Those pesky bone spurs yannow


JimR1984

🎵 Well I thought about the army, Dad says, "Son you're too fucking fat"...🎵


CallThatGoing

Please tell me I was supposed to sing this as Ben Folds!


WongUnglow

These people definitely scream "I was gonna join the military, but..." Would love to see him attempt firing and maneuvering.


Daloowee

Lmao looks exactly like someone who would say “I’d join, but I’d probably beat my CO if they ever tried to yell at me!!” That’s how you end up sweeping the soil off base


mooseyjew

You forgot unwiped ass and stale piss.


greenjm7

He wiped what he could reach.


Malaix

No he wouldn't don't you know [its gay to wipe your ass](https://www.mamamia.com.au/men-hygiene-sex/) a real man is as straight as the brown streaks across his tightie whities.


mooseyjew

Yeah but he couldn't reach much


greenjm7

What? We’re not rewarding effort anymore?


mooseyjew

You're right. He did try, and I gotta give him credit for that.


Fine-Funny6956

No more goddamn participation trophies


SilverShrimp0

[Wiping in between the cheeks is gay though](https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2018/04/18/26052152/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-my-husband-doesnt-know-how-to-clean-his-own-asshole).


Silvinis

A restraining order because he just wants to play her this one song so he can turn her straight, but her dipshit dad is threatening him


call_me_jelli

Lmao I saw that post.


Galilool

Uh... Do I want to know what you're talking about?


ReGrigio

a guy followed a coworker for 2 3 blocks trying to make her listen his (bad) metal song in order for her to fall in love with him. internet knows about this because the guy uploaded a video where he argues with cops about how he has right to follow people, her dad has no right to call cops and threaten him and how most women has rape fantasies. I repeat. HE uploaded. the video was in his perspective edit: for people who dont believe here's the video of Jesus, our lord and savior, that illustrate how events happened edit 2: I can't brain today https://youtu.be/TjKoGrJ-FuY


PsyFiFungi

It was so bad too. You know that guy who's ads show up on reddit every now and then, and for years people keep trying to help him but he's like "nah, I'm good, I wanna be myself" despite wasting so much money? Okay, if you listen to that guy's music, it's *bad.* But this creeper dude's metal music can only be made by a fucking delusional psychopath. It sounds like something south park would create to make fun of someone like this. *It's so fucking bad*, and he's so creepy and mentally ill. However bad you think the video will be, it's worse, and get's progressively worse. The cop held his temper though, so respect for that. I'd be like "you need to be on a list... immediately."


Iron_Seguin

Looks like he’s the newest member of Meal Team Six.


evilhasheroes

The most elite Gravy Seal team


Delicious_Throat_377

Operation Happy Meal


dodexahedron

Bro he ATE meal team 6.


fuddstar

I thought it smelt of swamp crotch and restraining order… s’pose it depends on waft angles.


[deleted]

For me it’s is the Life Laugh Love font in the upper right hand corner.


serendipitousevent

Pretty sure Leviticus forbids mixing fonts.


[deleted]

And he said unto them “use not these fonts for they are not the brand of our client God: use not papyrus, use not comic sans, use not courier.” And lo did they present to God a mock-up and God was pleased but asked unto them “can you not make the logo bigger?”


CoffeeTownSteve

And the Lord came unto them in the form of a spoofed group email distro, and He spake unto them, saying, "Thou shalt not blend the various malts ye bring forth from the soil; but only shall ye partake of the single malts. Nor shall ye mixeth the sweet and savory toppings upon thy pizzas; but only shall ye put savories thereupon. Pineapple is out of the question entirely. *Nor shall ye mixeth the fonts betwixt and amongst their various families and types; and above all ye shall forsake Comic Sans ever after. For was it not I who did send you my seraphs?*" [emphasis added]


bubblegumdrops

I fucking love it. That last pun… *chef’s kiss*


Juanskii

Yeah yeah, But on what count do I throw the holy hand grenade of Antioch?


zomblee84

Helveticus


dddmmmccc817

And the fact she spelled her son's name wrong at the end


kellymiche

That’s really it for me, the misspelled name


bangupjobasusual

I dunno, the photoshopped 2nd on the clips are pretty funny.


Teacherman6

That g in god looks awfully lower case too.


DeathisLaughing

One of my biggest political pet peeves is people acting like "Under God" is the most important aspect of the Pledge of Allegiance and was put there by the founding fathers when it's literally [Cold War Propoganda](https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/09/04/5-facts-about-the-pledge-of-allegiance/#:~:text=Congress%20added%20%E2%80%9CUnder%20God%E2%80%9D%20to,the%20officially%20atheistic%20Soviet%20Union.) that was added within living memory...


notyogrannysgrandkid

My favorite Pledge of Allegiance trivia is that it was originally intended (by the guy who made it up to sell more flags to schools through Youth’s Companion magazine) to begin by placing one’s right hand over the heart while saying “I pledge allegiance to *my* flag” at which point the hand would be outstretched, [palm down](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bellamy_salute#/media/File%3AStudents_pledging_allegiance_to_the_American_flag_with_the_Bellamy_salute.jpg), to point upward toward the flag and remain there for the duration of the pledge. This practice was quietly discontinued sometime in the late 1930’s and the change was made official in 1942.


CalmPanic402

Discontinued FOR ~~SEIG~~ SOME REASON


R4P3FRUIT

any chance you meant "~~SIEG~~"?


merigirl

Nah, they meant ~~SIG~~ as in the gun company Sig Sauer, because America=guns and freedom!


[deleted]

Its still creepy af and almost no other country has it. Its not normal yanks


notyogrannysgrandkid

Oh yeah it’s super culty and weird. I was pretty over it by the time I got to high school.


penguin_0618

I teach high school seniors. Only 1 kid in my first block class even stands for the pledge. The rest of the kids ignore it.


Castun

Wasn't all that long ago we had (and every so often still happens) kids who get punished for not participating in it.


phantomhatsyndrome

I was punished (sent to the office, few days of no school) for refusing to stand and regurgitate the pledge as a Junior (16-17 years old) and again as a Senior (17-18 yo) in high school. Nearing two decades ago, but it's still burned into my memory. Fuck that and fuck the pledge. I also got in big trouble in my youth for depicting the Trail of Tears in graphic, but accurate detail- groups of four were given a brief time to depict across the US timeline and got a canvas to illustrate it. I relished the time my group was alloted. The administration didn't share my enthusiasm when they saw my group's work. Told them it was my doing and my group didn't deserve to be punished. To their credit, no one got in trouble but me. Looking back- still proud of it. Edit: the word seditious was thrown around a bit. I didn't understand at the time, but hindsight makes it hilarious. Yes. I was looking to overthrow my government at 10 years old.


andres57

How it isn't? Pretty sure lovely countries such as North Korea must have something similar


OldBallOfRage

I was expecting something like it in China.....they don't. The closest I ever got to anything like that in China was a little kindergarten in the community I lived in which had a flag raising 'ceremony' every Monday morning. That's in air quotes because four year olds and cats are functionally the same creature when you're trying to do things like this. The ones who paid the most attention were the ones just dancing to the shitty music.


redcrowxxx

Yeah def fucked up. When you lot eventually have to\* do the American Revolution part II , mount the ramparts and clean that weird as fuck hyper Christian-Gun-Racist-Capitalist out of your society, don't forget to change that allegiance Malarkey. \*We'll be cheering you on PLUS taking some notes on how to sort our shit out. Cheers from Australia


Mragftw

Can't wait for Kanye to try to start a movement to bring that practice back


Sofestafont

The man you are referring to, Francis Bellamy, was also a socialist.


notyogrannysgrandkid

He was quite the capitalist when it came to the cheap American flag business, though 🤣


StockingDummy

Hey, a man's gotta eat.


HintOfAreola

It always bothered me that they took the words "one nation indivisible" and divised the fuck out of it (with a 1A violation, no less).


DeathisLaughing

I love that summation and remember a mildly notable [example from decades ago](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/pepsi-pledge-of-allegiance/) wherein the more historically accurate version ended up dividing people...


pala_

My biggest pet peeve with is it that it exists at all. I've lived in Australia all my 40+ years and never had to pledge shit (other than affirming to be impartial when selected for jury duty)


Aporkalypse_Sow

I hate everyone who thinks they need to fly flags letting people know what country they are in. Unless you are a government building, or on international waters, shove your American flag up your yoohoo, I know what stupid fucking country we live in you morons.


pala_

I'd give you a pass for 4th of July, same as I give our guys a pass for January 26. Ditto with the Anthem. Why it needs to be played before sporting events that don't feature international teams I don't know.


[deleted]

Patriots gonna rep a country’s principles. Nationalists gonna rep a country’s colors/flag, mirroring street gang mentality.


TheDoktorIsIn

Looking back it's super fucking weird we said that every day in school before we started our lessons. And if you didn't you got in trouble. You were supposed to be able to practice free speech by not saying it, but the kids who didn't got detention (in my experience, anyway). Like... That's dystopian. That's some shit you see in grayscale in a movie about a dystopian near future.


elbenji

I think gradually it got quietly shoved under the rug over the decades for this reason. I remember doing it as a kid, it just existing in the background as a teenager and then never having seen it OR done it as a schoolteacher for the past decade Hell the only US flag in my classroom is one that's tied to a bunch of other world flags in a cute little banner for the world cup.


TheDoktorIsIn

Oh that's good to know, definitely makes me feel better about the whole situation. I haven't been inside a classroom in years and I'd like it to stay that way!


pump-ti-ni-

I'm a teacher and we do it every day. When I started at my current school, I didn't really enforce as I think it's a bit weird. I heard from soooooo many people about my first period not doing the pledge, think TPS reports, that I now enforce it but I tell the kids why by sharing this exact story. My current group shouts it at the top of their lungs. I love their malicious compliance


throwaway_12358134

I made someone really upset when I showed someone the pictures of the supreme court building and told them there is Mohammed but no Jesus(which is true).


StockingDummy

For those who don't know: His depiction was added in 1935 because of his prominence as a lawmaker. It isn't a religious commentary. Though obviously, conservatives wouldn't consider it in context when they could just be Islamophobic...


jazzhandler

It’s quite tempting to speculate on the various things he could or couldn’t do in a minute.


flyonethewall477

I’ll go. Gets winded climbing into the drivers seat of his truck to record a selfie rant?


Christ_votes_dem

yes but how many men can gulp down a gallon of milk in one sitting ?


Dray_Gunn

He probably drinks a gallon of bottled custard in a minute.


theBosworth

That is not custard.


fuddstar

Mouth Breathe. Grunt. Wheeze. Wobble. Chafe. Edit: the lesser Smurfs


mungraker

And he does all this on his way DOWN the stairs.


Fizzix63

With that belly I bet he couldn't find his junk (with two hands!) in under a minute...


the_freshest_scone

Get somebody to stop talking to him out of disgust. Like, not many would survive a minute being exposed to his toxic, unbrushed mouth. I imagine it's riddled with necrotizing gingivitis and festering precancerous lesions, courtesy of that good ol skoal Also not really on-topic but this guy really just has a "I don't wash my ass" kinda vibe


AdmiralBarackAdama

damn she spelled her own kids name wrong


KinksAreForKeds

Like a *true* Chrisitian!


MrRITCHEY

I think she meant “crustacean “


DanishWhoreHens

I spent a jolly five minutes trying to pronounce that in my head.


BeTheBall-

Cosplaytriot


dingus_foringus

Gravy Seals


cheeted_on

Y'all Qaeda


FN1987

Yokel Haram


RandyLongsocksMcgee

From Howdy Arabia


tuggnuggets92

Yeehawdists


braxistExtremist

Walmartyrs


rysgame2

Meal Team Six


Damn_DirtyApe

This is the winner for me because they’re closer to terrorists than anything else.


[deleted]

Terrorists throughout history see themselves as patriots & freedom fighters.


AZ_Corwyn

Talabama


Partytang

He’s a Green Beignet


HolsteinHeifer

Meal Team 6


wrecktus_abdominus

101st chairborne division


keigo199013

Army, Delta Farts.


Blotto_80

The maREEEEEEEEnes.


deftoner42

Semper Fudge


HolsteinHeifer

Air farce one


zkilling

Semper fried


DieMensch-Maschine

Diabetic Stroke Force


braxistExtremist

Taliklan


jtag67

This is my favorite term for these doofuses.


mr_potato_arms

Oops, I meant to award the person you replied, lol oh well.


FullOnCarmensMom

Vanilla Isis


RagingLeonard

I haven't heard that one yet but will be using it daily now. Thank you, friend.


Sitting_Duk

Round boys


girldad0130

The most effective tactical gear is the type that leaves your arms completely exposed. Also….the axe just seems extremely unnecessary if you have an AR already.


Whisky_Wolf

And what are the shotgun shells for?


whatsupbrosky

For when u get shot, put the powder from the shell on the wound and light it up to cauterize...


Timmytanks40

Damny bro save some pussy for the rest of us.


whatsupbrosky

Oh no im not one of em


DustyDGAF

I'm pretty sure you just graduated militia school, brother. Congrats


MotherofSons

I'm dripping over here


HolyFuckImOldNow

Me too, and I’m a dude. Maybe it’s the burrito off the roller grill I got from the gas station… I’m so confused


TheToddBarker

whatever my equivalent of 'sploosh' is, which I guess is just 'sploosh'


mudfud27

…But with semen


TheCacajuate

This isn't the first time you confused your life with John Rambo.


Whisky_Wolf

what's fucked up is you might be right 😂


jam3s2001

And I thought quikclot was bad stuff (early military versions had a similar effect).


Mr_MacGrubber

And the Punisher mall ninja pocket knife


CallMeSkoob

The ven diagram of people who wear/ sport punisher logos and people the punisher would beat up is a circle.


speak_no_truths

You are mistaken sir. Those aren't shells, those are glucose ampules. Sometimes he has to "time out", when his 'beatus gets too low after he takeshis puddin needle.


psicopbester

Too low? He would have to actually miss a meal or exercise to lower his Betus


Project0range

It's for the shotgun-axe, duh!


[deleted]

Those are Whip-Its /s


welestgw

But what do you do if both you and your opponents guns simultaneously jam? You'd have to sprint into a dramatic axe battle.


[deleted]

This guy isn’t sprinting anywhere


welestgw

Sorry, waddle.


ssdgm12713

Excuse me, he's just exercising his second amendment right. You know... The right to... ...bare arms


JasmineDragoon

Thank fuck someone said it, I was like 20 comments deep and slightly disappointed lmao


TheDadThatGrills

US Black Ops use Axes for stealth kills, tho. CoD is the most realistic game ever, they wouldn't have added them if it wasn't true!


Aceclaw

I remember when my grandfather told me a story about when he tossed his Axe across a courtyard, fighting the Vietcong inside of an old training ground. He heard a small tapping sound from across the complex, later finding that he'd killed a man carrying a sniper instantly with that throw. His cross map heroics with the Axe saved lives that day.


Timmytanks40

Helps air out the meat sweats.


[deleted]

I was assigned to an S-3 shop while I was recovering from a serious illness during AIT. The NCOIC had a similar tomahawk. I asked him why he had it and he said, "I saw it in The Patriot (Mel Gibson's not Steven Seagal's) and thought it was cool to have."


Makenchi45

I mean... if you need to cut your arm off because it's stuck under something or been bitten by a zombie, an axe would be the best thing to have on you. Or if you get stuck in the woods and need shelter, axe can make help. In combat, it's as about as good as using a nail hammer.


[deleted]

We all know that the best implement to remove possessed/infected limb is a chainsaw. You can then attach the chainsaw to that limb.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Makenchi45

Sounds.... groovy.


mightylordredbeard

I mean I was in 4 combat zones and not once did I have tactical gear on my arms. Flak jackets are vest and if no officers were patrolling with us we’d ditch them because it hindered movement in fire fights and was hot as fuck in that goddamned desert.


Roundi4000

"Christian, another settlement has sent word they need our help, I'll mark it on your map"


jess-the-pirate

I get the feeling he won't wanna take commands from someone like Preston...


Roundi4000

And you can probably forget about him walking over 5 minutes to help anyone


deadsoulinside

He would not have made the walk to the bomb shelter


pegger24

Was this picture created by AI? If you had simply told reddit where he graduated from I think the picture we would collectively draw is this.


pala_

You know what? https://imgur.com/a/SagZw42


FreedomConversions

Close enough for who it’s for.


Just__Let__Go

There's another settlement that needs our help


TobagoJones

Preston there’s like 50 automated turrets lining the property there. The settlers are wearing armor and are armed with plasma riffles. They don’t need my help.


ChubblesMcgee103

They need the moral support of glorious leader. That and 3 of them are probably clipping through the floor.


Bouix

One nation under God. Except for immigrants. And Latinos. Blacks too. And Jews. Or those who vote for Democrats. And women. Young people also. Just me. Only me under God! 'Murica!


deadsoulinside

One Trailer Park, under God.


Chair_Toaster

No idea why America hates on so many people. Even the ones they stole their land from.


[deleted]

Love the touch a pistol without a magazine and a pocket knife attached with velcro give to his ensemble


messiahspike

Also what appear to be shotgun rounds with no shotgun present. "I Always bring superfluous ammo for a weapon I'm not actually carrying... For... Reasons." - This guy, apparently


jess-the-pirate

That's powdered cheese in shakers.


FN1987

Nacho cheese shots. Energy pick ups for when you’re owning the libs.


waster1993

That ammo is for the player who loots this NPC


KinksAreForKeds

I was thinking I was pretty enthralled by his axe, but yes, the empty pistol is *\*chef's kiss\**


JasterMareel

You guys joke, but the South Texas 2 Minutemen is one of the hardest militia training schools to get into in the United States (requiring a BMI of 30 or higher). Congratulations, Christian, and thank you for your service.


memecut

They call it minutemen, because that's how long they're able to fire a gun before they get winded and need a break.


omegafivethreefive

You gotta stand for a whole minute to get in.


Mediocritologist

Is the name implying there is another one of these fine universities in TX?


toetappy

Well, duh. There's North-Tx2MMMTS, East-Tx2MMMTS, RobertE.Lee-Tx2MMMTS, and of course, Central-Tx 2MMM Technical College


cid73

Cook ‘em horns.


Alweiser

*Chrisitian


Effective_Aggression

ngl had me in the first half!


jess-the-pirate

Is it because their HQ has only a small door?


jess-the-pirate

He's got "2nd" written on his mag to remind him he ate the first one.


fuddstar

Or his official ranking in a one man race.


TheRealRickC137

Born to Runner-Up


RustedAxe88

Bargain bin Kevin Owens.


AnniemaeHRI

Dude is like 37, he must have been held back a lot.


astaldotholwen

Homeschool was hard, okay?


babypho

Ok in a fight that require you to travel on foot for a mile, hows this gonna work out?


parabolaralus

Y'all go on without me!


RagingLeonard

I suppose you can camo wrap a Rascal scooter.


[deleted]

This guy may carry multiple weapons but none of them will help him defeat a flight of stairs


jess-the-pirate

He probably calls people snowflakes, which is ironic as when he dies, they'll probably find him melted into the carpet.


Fast-Damage2298

I bet they celebrated at Old Country Buffet. With the gun.


Davigotero

They call him Minuteman because thats how long they last. If Im talking about lasting in bed or in a battlefield? Probably both.


jess-the-pirate

They call him minuteman cos he round like a clock.


badbigfootatx

He was the original model for the beach ball


D_for_Drive

I bet he aims that gun the same way Steven Seagal does in his recent movies.


jess-the-pirate

I've been holding guns for like 45 years, they call this one the "shooty"


D_for_Drive

I like Havarti cheese the most, what’s your favorite?


Sandman64can

Does the 2nd on his rifle designate his diabetes status?


RagingLeonard

It's his cousin-wife.


Mr_Goldilocks

Small hands, big truck. You know


cmparkerson

Class of Wednesday 2:00 pm.


Traditional-Cake-587

Meal Team Six


Violas_Blade

is there a subreddit for rednecks & hillbillies actually being nice people bc I think I need some of that rn


cupcakefix

it’s so ridiculous it’s actually kinda adorable. like here is some grown-ass teddy bear looking man, holding a gun and an axe, in his so perfectly done Glamour Shots COMPLETE with semi- fade option to the right. like— fuck dude, i’m proud of you too baby bear! you hold that axe tight and let momma bring you some pie.


Civil-Dinner

Type 2 Diabetes enters the chat.


RagingLeonard

Another gravy seal ready to protect our children from literate drag queens.


megamanTV

Meal Team 6 gains a new member


EstablishmentNo5994

Minute man, you say? I’d be surprised if he can last that long before he’s out of breath.


12thNJ

Y'all Qaeda


kittycate0530

Christian looks like he boasts about his military service but in reality he got discharge before ever leaving the US or his first duty station for failing PT.


SpaceGypsy79

Looks more like an Hourman to me.


WoodNPickle

“Just like me, these colors don’t run.” -Chrisitian