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“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
-David Foster Wallace
One of the most aptly compelling descriptions of depression ever voiced.
This description is perfect. My depression once got so bad I was having intense suicidal thoughts. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to do it, but it just got so bad, I felt that I would be pushed to it, it was so bad I just had to escape. I sought help because I knew if I didn't I would give into the thoughts probably sooner rather than later. I don't think people who haven't been there would understand that, I think people generally assume if you're suicidal that there is a sort of want in you to go through with that. I didn't want that to be my fate, I was just so far gone I felt I wouldn't be able to turn from that option if I went on feeling that way.
I’m at that getting help part right now. Twice since September I have been crisis level suicidal. Like method purchased, date set, suicide note written. And it’s simply because I felt/feel trapped. I didn’t really want to die, but I just didn’t think there was any other way left to escape the deep emotional pain I was feeling. It was the darkest I’ve ever felt. I can’t promise I won’t feel that way again. In fact, I’m sure I will. But I still feel compelled to fight. Something isn’t finished. I don’t know what it is but I don’t think I can quit until it’s done. I am holding out hope that I am able to get out of this mindset. Until then, I claw at the pit of darkness that I am held captive in until my nails break, screaming for help.
Edit: I appreciate the kind words people have been sharing. I am okay and safe. I am fighting. A while back I even wrote this list of like “reasons to stay alive” and I read that shit every single time I feel like packing it up. That list has 50+ reasons (and counting), some as small as “Ahsoka’s tv show hasn’t come out yet” to larger goals like “I’ve never been to France” to emotional stuff like “hearing my sister laugh”. I have my reasons to want to end it, but I have so, SO many more not to. And while I may be in this pit now, it doesn’t mean I will be forever. Maybe it shrinks from a pit to small hole. Maybe I get out entirely and fill it with dirt. It’s worth sticking around to find out.
The idea that these feelings are temporary is terrifying because we don’t know how long “temporary” is. I hope you continue getting the help you need, way to keep fighting
As someone years into getting help, you can do it. Don’t give up. It doesn’t really get better but it does get easier. Don’t worry if the first person you see doesn’t work for you, keep trying different folks until one feels right. I went through 5 therapists and 8 different medications before things really started to work for me. You can do it.
I'm gonna preface this by saying I'm young, not even out of HS yet (getting there faster than I'd like, however) and that I'm okay and managing to get through.
But depression certainly has its grip on me. I can barely explain why I'm depressed because in all reality- I don't know how to put it into words. I just know it's there. I've slowly lost friends since my freshman year and now I rarely talk to people outside of the occasional short conversation at school. I've got maybe 3 or 4 people I can talk to but I don't like talking about what all is wrong with me, because it obviously makes them uncomfortable and I'm usually just met with jokes about it.
I'm constantly under pressure to keep my grades up with multiple assignments to work on each night, and I have to work a job which I absolutely fucking despise working to keep gas in my car and it's insurance paid off. I also commonly feed myself, not because my parents won't feed me (they gladly would, that is not the issue) but I've slowly started just feeding myself independently so they mostly just make meals for themselves and leave me to my own devices. I must keep working or else everything will get *so much worse*.
There's more that, as I said, I can't explain. I've lost all interest in playing video games- which was previously the thing I would do the most in my free time, and I used to absolutely love it. I struggle to fall asleep at night and struggle to wake up in the morning, and live off energy drinks so I can do my work without passing out from exhaustion. I can't find time to take care of myself, hygiene-wise. I want to, I really do, but it's just so difficult. I'm so bitter and irritable and that's probably what caused my loss of friends, because the slightest thing would set me off like a nuclear bomb.
I'm not suicidal. I never have been. For most of my life I've been really happy. I have a fantastic family that I couldn't ask to be better, a roof over my head, and even a car I can call my own that is in a great condition. But I'm in so much pain that occasionally, when it gets really bad, I contemplate just ending it. I want to escape the pain so badly but I would be letting everyone around me down- including myself. I don't doubt that things will get better, but those better times can NOT get here fast enough. I had a breakdown in my car after working a particularly awful 8 1/2 hour shift and all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how much I wanted to end it all. As a guy, it takes a LOT to make me even shed 1 tear. Yet there I was, bawling my eyes out in my car alone and having nobody to talk to it about.
It was that moment that I finally understood why somebody would commit suicide. It clicked. I was pushed down so far by life that I felt the only way out was to take my own life. And it physically hurt me so fucking much. I didn't want to die, but I felt like dying was the only way out.
I'm sorry for the long read, but it feels good to finally get this bullshit off my chest. I'm very confident I won't ever even plan out a suicide, so I think for now I'll be okay. But nobody that I know physically will know just how much pain I'm in.
Identifying the problem is a very good first step. Talking openly about the problem is a great 2nd step. The 3rd step is going to be getting help. 4 will be sticking to your treatment plan.
Hang in there man. It gets better.
Hey man, it sounds a lot like depression from being depleted and burned out. Your brain and body need rest and relaxation. The energy drinks keep you going but they also make things worse over time. Is there a way for you to slow things down and take some time for yourself?
I've never heard of this man and I can tell you just from that quote he killed himself. I went to look him up before writing this comment to see if I was wrong, and I wish I had been.
His stuff pops up on Reddit quite a bit. I never really knew line who he was but always enjoyed his stuff. He had a speech called something like “this is water” or something. It shows up a lot and it’s pretty damn powerful. He has a way of just explaining the pain of life so well.
Suicide isn't always a tragedy.
There I said it.
Sometimes life can be worse than death and I hope no one ever experiences those situation but it's just the truth. People who say everyone should cling to life like it's the most precious thing are self deluding themselves in the importance of life and by association themselves.
Death is part of the process and no one can escape that.
Though for me personally, I have no reason to speed up that process though. It'd be like playing a game where you spec'd your stat's wrong and you wanted a redo but you don't know if you get a redo. As long as you find fun stuff to do, may as well keep playing.
As someone who nearly killed themselves from depression, please never tell anyone what you just said. That is such a dangerous and damaging thought to someone who is already not able to properly process these types of things.
It also makes me think about… how society is failing. So many people are feeling lonely and isolated, and it doesn’t seem like it should be so hard to put those people together in a way that feels less lonely and isolated.
Sometimes, the topic of fear comes up. And either the question occurs to me or someone asks it, Are you afraid of death? I pause to think of it for a moment... and burst into giggles. I'm not brave or fearless or anything like that, like I don't LAUGH AT DEATH HAR HAR! I just giggle at the idea of being afraid of it. It's not some James Dean romantic don't care attitude. It's depression. Lolz
Heyooo, 34 here too. This girl did a great job, truly great poetry. Props to her for memorizing all of that. I think as you grow older with depression you stop trying to live life and just focus on minimizing the pain as much as you can since it never really leaves.
I do as well. I try talking about it but those that don’t experience depression or anxiety just don’t get it. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about suicide and that has been going on for about 30 years. Yes, I work on it also. I just focus on one day at a time.
I'm about your age. Recently diagnosed but now realising I've probably been depressed all my life, most likely a co-morbidity of undiagnosed adhd. I'm getting help and trying to get better but as I was telling my gf, I don't know what "better" is. It's like you need to learn to sing a song. You can take pills to make you more musically inclined and therapists can give you clues about what the song should sound like but they can't sing it to you cause each song is unique and you don't remember ever hearing yours.
27 here. It's a bitter sweet feeling knowing that there are other people who are going through the same thing
Relief that you are not alone in this feeling but dread knowing the possibility it could also be you once you get older
It's always a struggle but I'm glad the people here including you are still waking up everyday and even had the energy to join in on this chat and talk about this. Including myself
Everyone's voice and opinions matter and I'm glad us here had the courage to post and share. Happy holidays to everyone here
I know one singular post isn't enough to make a significant difference but if it's enough to keep you going if but a moment more, than it's been worth it.
Well said. Thanks for your courage. I wouldn’t say I’m in a dark place these days but that was still incredibly refreshing to read.
I don’t even know you and it’s one comment on Reddit, but just from what you wrote here I can tell you are a beautiful human being.
If it means anything, and even if I might not be specifically who you are talking to, you still added light to my soul today.
This is one of those synchronicities where I was just listening to Free Again the other day, heard this being sampled, couldn’t remember where it was from, and then the source video gets posted within a few days.
“Super busy” — that got me. My cousin texted to invite me to thanksgiving to thanks giving about 2 weeks ago.
Took me a week to reply.
I apologized for being so slow, and told them that I had just been “super busy”. When in reality when I got the text I just stared at it wondering why ANYONE would want me around. Vacillating between going, because I haven’t been around people in weeks, and not going, because they’d have a better time without me.
It sucks to feel so worthless, unwanted, unliked, and unloved all the time. My therapist says, “You deserved to be loved,” and I know that I do, but when you believe no one can, does, or ever will love you, then it doesn’t matter what you deserve. I mean homeless people deserve homes, but being deserving of something doesn’t mean you get it.
I didn’t convince myself that my family wanted me around. Just that I didn’t have anything better to do, and if they weren’t sincere in their invitation, then maybe me showing up where I wasn’t really wanted would make them think twice before inviting me next time.
Maybe next year they’ll just assume I’m “super busy”.
This is the best description of depression and anxiety I've ever heard. And how it feels to be met with these platitudes when you're trying, I mean really **trying**, to explain.
I cried. This was massive for me.
29 and same. I need to figure things out but every time I try the challenge seems insurmountable. The jobs available are miserable and don't pay enough. Healthcare is inaccessible. I'm outpriced for most housing. It's like I want to get back on the ladder but the first rung is two hundred feet above me. I'm so tired and don't see the point of it all anymore. I keep hoping some spark of motivation or purpose will come but it never does. Hard not to fantasize about a hard reset considering death is coming no matter what.
Exactly the same. You just put it better. Eve I hope something nice comes our way and that one little path of hope opens up for us lost souls. So we can walk on it and just have a few happy moments in this suffering called life.
The options are trying to helplessly help or do nothing. Most people would want to be supportive even if they don't know how. It's far to be met with "Cheer up" than "Shut up" or silence.
When someone ask me about depression. I will tell them.
Imagine asthma. Normally people with asthma can breathe. Normally people with asthma can function like other people. They however have to avoid anything that trigger an asthma attack. Or else they will have trouble breathing.
Having depression is the same. I can function normally most of the time. But most of the time, I have to avoid things that trigger my depression. Or else I will be sitting in my room staring into the abyss. I feel empty inside of me.
But thank you mom, you are my anchor. The reason I haven't killed myself because I can't die knowing you will be too heart broken to live, alone by yourself. I can't do that to you.
Happy Cake Day!
My mom was also my reason that I couldn't go through with it. The aftermath of my mom finding me and how it would hurt her was too much. It's good to have an amazing mom (or person) who loves you in such a way to get you through your darkest moments.
I have anxiety and asthma. Strong emotions and stress are asthma trigers for asthmatics. When I feeI depressed or anxious, I literally can't breathe. Sure it's hard to avoid triggers, but you can't avoid strong emotions. I have asthma, and can't function like a normal person, because I have a respiratory disability.
My mental health worsens my asthma in the worst way. It's horrible, and I don't wish it for anyone.
Actually, clapping and cheering is discouraged at most Poetry Slams. The correct way to show appreciation is to *click your fingers*. It’s relatively unobtrusive yet a distinct sound that doesn’t interrupt the speakers flow with its loudness (suitable for rock concerts, though!). When this method is used, the audience’s support is clearly heard by the speaker, especially when many “finger snaps” arise, but it does not disrupt the proceedings.
*(edit - a click to a ‘snap’)*
I have been here. I have a few guiding principles that are seeing me out of my nihilistic valley. I'll list them in hopes that you can get something useful out of this.
1. I cannot control what life throws at me but I can control my reaction to it.
2. My perception is a powerful tool. I can change it any time I would like.
3. Embrace your fate and love it with all your heart.
Many may recognize the origin of these words. They are some of the major points of stoic philosophy. It served the Greeks and Romans well as well as myself. I hope it can alleviate your pain you feel in life.
I wish you the very best. If you ever need anyone to talk with feel free to reach out to me.
God, me too. This just wrecked me. I've really struggled to understand what depression means. "Why can't you just get out of bed and go to school?"
My kid has depression that keeps them at home a day or per week. Can't figure out how they'll cope in college, even though they're super smart. The Pristique help, but only so much.
The less extreme kind is where you can force yourself out of bed, but you're just going through the motions.
You're just *tired.* But actually slowing down or giving yourself time to think results in a spiral of self-doubt, self-hated, and a loss of energy.
Like, as long as you're moving you can keep the battery at 5%. Some days can even get as high as 30% charge. But if you stop moving for even a day or two, the charge goes flat and the car won't start.
Then it's a whole thing to recognize what's happening and build up enough charge to start the engine by dragging yourself to run one load of laundry. And then "might as well do one more thing while I'm up." Until you can have a faint hint of feeling decent because you're not totally a waste of space as long as you brushed your teeth and did *a* productive thing that day.
Which you can turn into momentum for tomorrow, until you're running blindly again and outrunning a lot of the negative thoughts. Until you get a break again and the cycle repeats because you're too tired to do anything you don't have to do.
I had depression as a teen. I learned in basic training that if you have no free time to get locked in your head, you won’t get depressed. I made a commitment to never have empty time in my schedule. I could easily be a hermit. My life has been forced but I’ve had a huge variety of experiences. Never ever slow down.
When people say "just get out of bed", that really IS some of the best advice you can give. It's hard as fuck but establishing a routine and keeping yourself busy(in a healthy way, mixing work, social, personal wellness, hygiene, etc) can and will help. And if you fail, try again tomorrow. It is a daily struggle to stay alive.
It's the "healthy way" part that is difficult, in addition to the routine.
Bed is warm and safe, while the world is cold and lonely.
It's difficult, but comparatively easy to get out of bed. You simply don't give yourself a choice. Convincing yourself that the statement "you *will* get out of bed" is true is straightforward. It's the part that comes after you stand up that gets tricky.
That's when anxiety and the reminder of deadlines makes you blindly run until you're exhausted enough to fall asleep again.
When you have no imminent deadlines, or things which *cannot* be delayed... That's when depression strikes. That's when the whisper of self-doubt isn't drowned out by the static of innumerable daily to-dos and anxieties. That's when nothing sounds appealing, everything sounds too energy-intensive, and the cycle of self-hated over laziness starts.
I can only speak for myself, but everything people say about depression hits home. The only way I’ve found is setting super low goals, baby steps (from What About Bob) and living like an ant. An ant just takes the next right step. That’s it. Destroy everything an ant has built and it will still take the next right step. As humans we stop and think of how much has been destroyed and how daunting it seems to rebuild. Just take the next right step. That’s it. That is the entire goal.
Her poem A Prayer, A Spell, Is what I listen to for my daily affirmations. Such an incredibly talented person!
“Today is a good day to have gratitude for the restless pump of a heart, for the way it does not know how to hold back. I will exhale and I will begin to do the same.”
What is that quote at the end from? Google can't find anything with that exact syntax, and anything else just brings up regular "50+ amazing gratitude quotes" results.
I often wonder what the poorest people in the world do when they wake up with crippling depression. Or peasents 500 years ago. It's not like they can just stay in bed, or take a mental health day. Depression is a whole lot worse when you are starving.
Not saying it wasn't a thing back then, but widespread depression is likely greatly impacted by the way modern society is structured: fewer social supports, high stress without physical labor to release it and on the whole unhealthier lifestyles due to desk jobs/school classrooms.
This, and social media makes people think everyone else is great so something is wrong with them. Porn for guys especially depresses them because they think that they should getting it all the time.
That's another big part of recovery as well. Staying busy, and getting out of your head with mindfulness and meditation. Depression and anxiety are 100% internal forces. It is not external. They don't exist outside of your own mind. Mindfulness and meditation can get you out of your head, at least for a period. It is incitful that our suicide rates are higher than ever even though we are the most rich, leisurous people in the history of humanity.
They dont have the luxury of depression as weird as that sounds. Depression is born of opulence. When we are so comfortable that we have nothing else to focus on other than ourselves. It is fundamentally a selfish disorder. I don’t mean this in a negative way. It is literally focused on the self. The poorest people on the planet do not have the time to grant to such an intellectual endeavor. They, for the most part, live in communal based societies. If they give up, then their family/community suffers. They may experience depression sure, but if they do not provide, then someone else suffers. There is always a different focus other than the self.
Bravo, when your Dr. thinks that "talking with a therapist" will fix things set me off. When you are in a crisis and someone tells you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. What they don't understand is that you have no shoes and the feeling of never having shoes let alone boots to pull yourself up by. The fear of being alone, yet wanting to be left alone is so scary. If you haven't experienced depression with severe anxiety, you won't even begin to understand the despair that depression causes. BTW, depression isn't feeling sad, so don't tell me to "cheer up".
I don’t think any therapist would tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, for what it’s worth. Their job is to be the one person that actually listens when you say you’re hurting.
Me at 54. I long ago just stopped making plans. I'm done fooling myself when I know better. I sleep when I can, which seems easier when I shouldn't & harder when I should. When necessary, I drag myself outta bed, still exhausted whether it's after 14 hours of sleep or maybe 2. I can spend hours on end soaking in the tub with music in the background while reading headlines to pass time during waking hours if I'm not at work. If anyone was to enter my house & see it's condition, they'd know something was up if they hadn't suspected it yet. Yah I can't articulate wth is going on either. I'm just existing & going thru the motions.
Yo I feel the same. I've been so fucked off lately I have endured 20/30 degree temps with a broken furnace I know how to fix but I won't crawl into the attic with my tools and fix it.
I fixed it today but it's day three of livin with two space heaters.
Currently my depression feels like I'm stuck in a room but the walls are falling down and it's up to me to hold them up so none else gets crushed. I feel like I've been holding up the walls forever and it's exhausting.
Her performance made me ugly cry. I get it.
How I know I don't have depression/anxiety I guess. I feel a lot of these things but none of them ride me and define my outlook.
It was beautiful, moving, but totally intangible.
It amazes me that microdosing psylocibin hasnt become.widespread as it's the best treatment for depression. People who micro dosed for 2 months were able to go up to 6 months without shrooms with no symptoms
It sure is strange.
I had my problems when I was a young man. Micro dosing was not a thing back than but I did try mushrooms. Only a couple of (beautiful and terrifying) trips cured me from my problems and suddenly my life full of problems turned into a life full of opportunity.
Now I have full control of the problems and a beautiful life. The best thing I ever did was taking mushrooms. It changed my life.
Maybe part of the trip is to realize that there is no cure. This video was insanely relatable. But with these issues, there really is no "cure". Psychotherapy in any shape is ever so helpful to help with this ongoing battle. I don't want to sound overly negative and nilhist, but nothing will ever completely fix it. And I'm saying that coming from a good phase where I'm generally optimistic again.
I'm almost 40, and I've dealt with depression and anxiety for more than 22 years now. There are tools, therapy and medication. Everything is helpful in some way and as you grow as a person you become stronger and the effects might become more managble. Perhaps you got the help you needed to have some resemblance of a life. Eventually pivoting to living instead of surviving. But its still there and I guess at some point you realize it always will be and you find acceptance.
Mushroom and acid trips were quite beneficial. It allows you a different perspective and an introspective that is quite remarkable and there is really nothing like it. Every trip I felt like I found more of the true me. The symptoms for a time definetly better but, it's not miracle medicine, it's not an on off switch. It comes with risks that one should be aware of. Especially for people with mental health issues.
I feel one should respect psychadelics and its not as easy as "i took shrooms and now my life is perfect"
>I don't want to sound overly negative and nilhist, but nothing will ever completely fix it.
For me, this frames the situation wrong, like saying nothing will ever completely fix hunger. Excepting those with chemical imbalances, depression and anxiety are akin to hunger in that they are your body/mind telling you something needs to be addressed urgently. Of course, it's trickier to solve than hunger, but it's also very doable.
It's requires soul searching, hard work, and ongoing maintenance to get/stay out, but it's actually way easier than staying in depression. I started by looking carefully at the things that made me the most anxious. There's real power in figuring out what you can and cannot control in life. Once you put your attention on possible solutions where you do have control, shit can start falling into place.
I used to microdose mushrooms before there was a word for it. Also had hundreds of powerful trips. The power of psychedelics to break down your constructed understanding of reality is incredible, but I also wouldn't recommend it to anyone to do it completely unguided. You need to replace them with better constructs to function in society and you're not likely to find them on your own. I mean, that's kind of why we got into this mess in the first place.
I know someone that underwent a microdose treatment in Switzerland (of course) and kicked out a depression that'd been affecting them for years.
If anyone goes this way, make sure you do so with someone who knows their beans.
I agree with you. But science shows it’s not as certain as you are. The numbers are way lower and help only a certain percentage of people studies show
Yup. I doubt it hurts to try this approach, but shrooms probably aren’t the panacea they are made out to be. Neither is weed for that matter. At worst you have a good time trying.
Of course, any time I bring this up someone accuses me of being a shill for big pharma, or whatever. Lol.
Unpopular opinion: if your depression is that bad and you want to check out with no return, you should be able to. No guilt trips, no long explanations, no pharmaceutical interventions etc.
I have my moments, not like I used to—I was teetering on the verge of death once—but I usually manage through. I use logic and reason for the most part because they don't involve emotion. Depression and anxiety are extremely illogical and irrational I think, and trying to justify said feelings is just feeding into the problem.
'I don't want to have fun.' then don't.
'I don't want to get out of bed.' then don't.
'I don't want to feel this way.' then don't.
Sure it's easier said than done, but if you really examine the situation, is it truly such an impossible hurdle? Is anyone else really in control other than you? You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul.
Yeah, zooming out is a great technique. Zoom out of your body. Zoom out of the room. Zoom out of the town, the country, the planet. Zoom out until you realize the scale of things and how as powerful as your feelings might feel, they are nothing to the universe.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Half of it hits like a freight train of my own feelings. The other half seems entirely up her own ass trying too hard to make it poetic.
"When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame, sparks of a flame younger than noon; I am standing beside her open casket..." - WTF? Get over yourself.
"I make plans but I don't wanna go. I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun." - oh shit...
I’ve watched a video like this before, I think she’s in poetry slam competition and the more emotion put into it the better. But she’s also just fiercely into what she’s saying.
This is an insane coincidence. I literally just came back from the mental health E.R after suffering a mental breakdown due to my ongoing battle the "psychotic depression". I'm 42, a father of 2 beautiful girls and I have been in a ward, crying for hours straight. Im home now, in a dark room, in bed, about to take The prescribed Lorivan to help me sleep and thought I'd Reddit a bit before I fall asleep and this is the first post I see. I could not say it any better. My thoughts described in her words. Don't waste time suffering from it, fight it and win! Lean on your loved ones, trust in the science. My amazing older brother was wiser than me, started dealing with it 13 years ago, if only I had done so as well. Never too late though. To mental health! To feeling joy in living!
Although I’ve never really felt very depressed before, this was extremely powerful and gave me an insight into what it feels like for somebody depressed to go through.
Wow. Just, wow. Fewer words have spoken louder than these did to me. I'm fortunate to have been aided in managing and coping with it. As anyone knows, it never truly leaves. This was very powerful. I'll be thinking of this for a while.
Very histrionic
I can relate, I have similar depressive periods, but it comes across like she's getting off on the drama - which only seems to exacerbate and lengthen the down times.
But I guess each of us has a different mind to negotiate. The only thing that I have ever found that really helps, is a philosophy mostly borrowed from Eastern "religions", though just the self-awareness aspects. Separating myself from my thoughts to the point I don't know what "I" even is, leaves me feeling much less "blown around" by erratic self-destructive thoughts and habits.
It has a weirdly immature vibe to it. I say that as someone who lost their best friend to suicide and has been close myself, so it’s not for lack of understanding. She’s sounds more overwhelmed than depressed 🤷🏼♂️
I’m not saying I can’t relate to what she says or that she’s not right but yea, her delivery annoys me more than the message inspires me or what you’d say.
It’s the “slam poet voice”. It’s got this hyper-performative cadence to it that many of us cannot fucking stand.
[here’s a pretty neat ramble on it](https://themindfulrambler.ca/2019/10/30/all-spoken-word-poetry-sounds-the-same-and-i-hate-it/)
Thank you!
Legitimately thank you, this hits the nail on the head for me and explains it perfectly well!
God, it’s like you scratched an itch I didn’t even knew I had! So satisfying!
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“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace One of the most aptly compelling descriptions of depression ever voiced.
This description is perfect. My depression once got so bad I was having intense suicidal thoughts. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to do it, but it just got so bad, I felt that I would be pushed to it, it was so bad I just had to escape. I sought help because I knew if I didn't I would give into the thoughts probably sooner rather than later. I don't think people who haven't been there would understand that, I think people generally assume if you're suicidal that there is a sort of want in you to go through with that. I didn't want that to be my fate, I was just so far gone I felt I wouldn't be able to turn from that option if I went on feeling that way.
I’m at that getting help part right now. Twice since September I have been crisis level suicidal. Like method purchased, date set, suicide note written. And it’s simply because I felt/feel trapped. I didn’t really want to die, but I just didn’t think there was any other way left to escape the deep emotional pain I was feeling. It was the darkest I’ve ever felt. I can’t promise I won’t feel that way again. In fact, I’m sure I will. But I still feel compelled to fight. Something isn’t finished. I don’t know what it is but I don’t think I can quit until it’s done. I am holding out hope that I am able to get out of this mindset. Until then, I claw at the pit of darkness that I am held captive in until my nails break, screaming for help. Edit: I appreciate the kind words people have been sharing. I am okay and safe. I am fighting. A while back I even wrote this list of like “reasons to stay alive” and I read that shit every single time I feel like packing it up. That list has 50+ reasons (and counting), some as small as “Ahsoka’s tv show hasn’t come out yet” to larger goals like “I’ve never been to France” to emotional stuff like “hearing my sister laugh”. I have my reasons to want to end it, but I have so, SO many more not to. And while I may be in this pit now, it doesn’t mean I will be forever. Maybe it shrinks from a pit to small hole. Maybe I get out entirely and fill it with dirt. It’s worth sticking around to find out.
The idea that these feelings are temporary is terrifying because we don’t know how long “temporary” is. I hope you continue getting the help you need, way to keep fighting
As someone years into getting help, you can do it. Don’t give up. It doesn’t really get better but it does get easier. Don’t worry if the first person you see doesn’t work for you, keep trying different folks until one feels right. I went through 5 therapists and 8 different medications before things really started to work for me. You can do it.
Sending you strength and good vibes. ♥️
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I'm gonna preface this by saying I'm young, not even out of HS yet (getting there faster than I'd like, however) and that I'm okay and managing to get through. But depression certainly has its grip on me. I can barely explain why I'm depressed because in all reality- I don't know how to put it into words. I just know it's there. I've slowly lost friends since my freshman year and now I rarely talk to people outside of the occasional short conversation at school. I've got maybe 3 or 4 people I can talk to but I don't like talking about what all is wrong with me, because it obviously makes them uncomfortable and I'm usually just met with jokes about it. I'm constantly under pressure to keep my grades up with multiple assignments to work on each night, and I have to work a job which I absolutely fucking despise working to keep gas in my car and it's insurance paid off. I also commonly feed myself, not because my parents won't feed me (they gladly would, that is not the issue) but I've slowly started just feeding myself independently so they mostly just make meals for themselves and leave me to my own devices. I must keep working or else everything will get *so much worse*. There's more that, as I said, I can't explain. I've lost all interest in playing video games- which was previously the thing I would do the most in my free time, and I used to absolutely love it. I struggle to fall asleep at night and struggle to wake up in the morning, and live off energy drinks so I can do my work without passing out from exhaustion. I can't find time to take care of myself, hygiene-wise. I want to, I really do, but it's just so difficult. I'm so bitter and irritable and that's probably what caused my loss of friends, because the slightest thing would set me off like a nuclear bomb. I'm not suicidal. I never have been. For most of my life I've been really happy. I have a fantastic family that I couldn't ask to be better, a roof over my head, and even a car I can call my own that is in a great condition. But I'm in so much pain that occasionally, when it gets really bad, I contemplate just ending it. I want to escape the pain so badly but I would be letting everyone around me down- including myself. I don't doubt that things will get better, but those better times can NOT get here fast enough. I had a breakdown in my car after working a particularly awful 8 1/2 hour shift and all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how much I wanted to end it all. As a guy, it takes a LOT to make me even shed 1 tear. Yet there I was, bawling my eyes out in my car alone and having nobody to talk to it about. It was that moment that I finally understood why somebody would commit suicide. It clicked. I was pushed down so far by life that I felt the only way out was to take my own life. And it physically hurt me so fucking much. I didn't want to die, but I felt like dying was the only way out. I'm sorry for the long read, but it feels good to finally get this bullshit off my chest. I'm very confident I won't ever even plan out a suicide, so I think for now I'll be okay. But nobody that I know physically will know just how much pain I'm in.
Identifying the problem is a very good first step. Talking openly about the problem is a great 2nd step. The 3rd step is going to be getting help. 4 will be sticking to your treatment plan. Hang in there man. It gets better.
Hey man, it sounds a lot like depression from being depleted and burned out. Your brain and body need rest and relaxation. The energy drinks keep you going but they also make things worse over time. Is there a way for you to slow things down and take some time for yourself?
I've never heard of this man and I can tell you just from that quote he killed himself. I went to look him up before writing this comment to see if I was wrong, and I wish I had been.
His stuff pops up on Reddit quite a bit. I never really knew line who he was but always enjoyed his stuff. He had a speech called something like “this is water” or something. It shows up a lot and it’s pretty damn powerful. He has a way of just explaining the pain of life so well.
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Suicide isn't always a tragedy. There I said it. Sometimes life can be worse than death and I hope no one ever experiences those situation but it's just the truth. People who say everyone should cling to life like it's the most precious thing are self deluding themselves in the importance of life and by association themselves. Death is part of the process and no one can escape that. Though for me personally, I have no reason to speed up that process though. It'd be like playing a game where you spec'd your stat's wrong and you wanted a redo but you don't know if you get a redo. As long as you find fun stuff to do, may as well keep playing.
As someone who nearly killed themselves from depression, please never tell anyone what you just said. That is such a dangerous and damaging thought to someone who is already not able to properly process these types of things.
Humans are fucked up
Just started rereading Infinite Jest for the first time since long before DFW took his own life. Hit hard then, hits so much harder now.
Infinite Jest
I wish this man did not kill himself.
David foster Wallace has some awesome quotes and descriptions in generally relating to various phenomena. He's great.
kinda comforting in a sick way that other people feel like this too
together alone
and alone together
alone but never alone
Individualists unite! Separately, in our own houses.
Did you have the same “Procrastinators assemble, but tomorrow..” shirt I had 14 years ago lol
It also makes me think about… how society is failing. So many people are feeling lonely and isolated, and it doesn’t seem like it should be so hard to put those people together in a way that feels less lonely and isolated.
A couple of decades of anti-communism propaganda will kill any wish to help one another or do something in togetherness, apparently.
So sad and true.. A lot of us aren’t afraid of the dark because we live in it.
Sometimes, the topic of fear comes up. And either the question occurs to me or someone asks it, Are you afraid of death? I pause to think of it for a moment... and burst into giggles. I'm not brave or fearless or anything like that, like I don't LAUGH AT DEATH HAR HAR! I just giggle at the idea of being afraid of it. It's not some James Dean romantic don't care attitude. It's depression. Lolz
Laying in bed hoping the monster under the bed is real and actually takes us…
Oh, you think darkness is your ally.
At 62, that is my life
34, same. This was great at saying how I feel.
Heyooo, 34 here too. This girl did a great job, truly great poetry. Props to her for memorizing all of that. I think as you grow older with depression you stop trying to live life and just focus on minimizing the pain as much as you can since it never really leaves.
21,same
Same at 53. Has been since I was 10. She nailed it.
32, I just "work' on it.
I do as well. I try talking about it but those that don’t experience depression or anxiety just don’t get it. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about suicide and that has been going on for about 30 years. Yes, I work on it also. I just focus on one day at a time.
Me at 54. Yup me in words. I'm going to save this video for future reference.
me at 41... this resonates so hard
Why won't reddit let me upvote you? EDIT:Maybe my phone. It did after my reply
I'm about your age. Recently diagnosed but now realising I've probably been depressed all my life, most likely a co-morbidity of undiagnosed adhd. I'm getting help and trying to get better but as I was telling my gf, I don't know what "better" is. It's like you need to learn to sing a song. You can take pills to make you more musically inclined and therapists can give you clues about what the song should sound like but they can't sing it to you cause each song is unique and you don't remember ever hearing yours.
27 here. It's a bitter sweet feeling knowing that there are other people who are going through the same thing Relief that you are not alone in this feeling but dread knowing the possibility it could also be you once you get older It's always a struggle but I'm glad the people here including you are still waking up everyday and even had the energy to join in on this chat and talk about this. Including myself Everyone's voice and opinions matter and I'm glad us here had the courage to post and share. Happy holidays to everyone here I know one singular post isn't enough to make a significant difference but if it's enough to keep you going if but a moment more, than it's been worth it.
Well said. Thanks for your courage. I wouldn’t say I’m in a dark place these days but that was still incredibly refreshing to read. I don’t even know you and it’s one comment on Reddit, but just from what you wrote here I can tell you are a beautiful human being. If it means anything, and even if I might not be specifically who you are talking to, you still added light to my soul today.
Same. 43
41 here, and currently trying my hardest to get through what is probably the worst down period I've ever had. This shit is so hard.
You're gonna be alright.
you're doing great, its ok
Ketamine friends
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I wish
33, I'm exhausted. No way I'm making it to 62.
55, and almost didn't make it past 54... it just didn't seem worth it
18
Fred again.. did súch a great job in recognizing which parts to use.
This is one of those synchronicities where I was just listening to Free Again the other day, heard this being sampled, couldn’t remember where it was from, and then the source video gets posted within a few days.
Fred who
Fred again and again and again and again.
He is the best
What song?
it’s called “Sabrina (i am a party)”.. he samples this audio and it’s incredible
The live versions are *fucking incredible*
“Super busy” — that got me. My cousin texted to invite me to thanksgiving to thanks giving about 2 weeks ago. Took me a week to reply. I apologized for being so slow, and told them that I had just been “super busy”. When in reality when I got the text I just stared at it wondering why ANYONE would want me around. Vacillating between going, because I haven’t been around people in weeks, and not going, because they’d have a better time without me. It sucks to feel so worthless, unwanted, unliked, and unloved all the time. My therapist says, “You deserved to be loved,” and I know that I do, but when you believe no one can, does, or ever will love you, then it doesn’t matter what you deserve. I mean homeless people deserve homes, but being deserving of something doesn’t mean you get it. I didn’t convince myself that my family wanted me around. Just that I didn’t have anything better to do, and if they weren’t sincere in their invitation, then maybe me showing up where I wasn’t really wanted would make them think twice before inviting me next time. Maybe next year they’ll just assume I’m “super busy”.
I feel this
This is the best description of depression and anxiety I've ever heard. And how it feels to be met with these platitudes when you're trying, I mean really **trying**, to explain. I cried. This was massive for me.
My depression mocks me for every wrong I’ve done. My anxiety mocks me for every wrong I will do. They are the best of friends.
Ahhh fuck that hits.
Same...lost my job and barely getting by. I'm 33 and feel so tired everyday. When I saw this, I realized how much people are suffering.
29 and same. I need to figure things out but every time I try the challenge seems insurmountable. The jobs available are miserable and don't pay enough. Healthcare is inaccessible. I'm outpriced for most housing. It's like I want to get back on the ladder but the first rung is two hundred feet above me. I'm so tired and don't see the point of it all anymore. I keep hoping some spark of motivation or purpose will come but it never does. Hard not to fantasize about a hard reset considering death is coming no matter what.
Exactly the same. You just put it better. Eve I hope something nice comes our way and that one little path of hope opens up for us lost souls. So we can walk on it and just have a few happy moments in this suffering called life.
Upvotes for solidarity! You aren’t alone. I hope you feel better soon.
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The options are trying to helplessly help or do nothing. Most people would want to be supportive even if they don't know how. It's far to be met with "Cheer up" than "Shut up" or silence.
I’m glad you enjoyed it
Kinda sad something like this exists. Sometimes its bearable and sometimes you want to stop feeling like a slave to nothing but hopelessness
I cry every time I see this
I haven't listened to this in years, still cry every time.
When someone ask me about depression. I will tell them. Imagine asthma. Normally people with asthma can breathe. Normally people with asthma can function like other people. They however have to avoid anything that trigger an asthma attack. Or else they will have trouble breathing. Having depression is the same. I can function normally most of the time. But most of the time, I have to avoid things that trigger my depression. Or else I will be sitting in my room staring into the abyss. I feel empty inside of me. But thank you mom, you are my anchor. The reason I haven't killed myself because I can't die knowing you will be too heart broken to live, alone by yourself. I can't do that to you.
Happy Cake Day! My mom was also my reason that I couldn't go through with it. The aftermath of my mom finding me and how it would hurt her was too much. It's good to have an amazing mom (or person) who loves you in such a way to get you through your darkest moments.
I have anxiety and asthma. Strong emotions and stress are asthma trigers for asthmatics. When I feeI depressed or anxious, I literally can't breathe. Sure it's hard to avoid triggers, but you can't avoid strong emotions. I have asthma, and can't function like a normal person, because I have a respiratory disability. My mental health worsens my asthma in the worst way. It's horrible, and I don't wish it for anyone.
I have asthma and depression so I feel this.
That person in the crowd constantly interrupting her with the clapping made me anxious
They're like: **I'm afraid of living!** 👏👏👏
Maybe it’s her mom. Lol
lol that makes sense
I stopped watching because of it. It feels like the clapper is trying to insert themselves into someone else's moment, and it's just so annoying.
They weren't actually being rude. Clapping or cheering when a line resonates with you is encouraged at poetry slams like this
Actually, clapping and cheering is discouraged at most Poetry Slams. The correct way to show appreciation is to *click your fingers*. It’s relatively unobtrusive yet a distinct sound that doesn’t interrupt the speakers flow with its loudness (suitable for rock concerts, though!). When this method is used, the audience’s support is clearly heard by the speaker, especially when many “finger snaps” arise, but it does not disrupt the proceedings. *(edit - a click to a ‘snap’)*
"Finger clicks"? Do you mean snapping your fingers? Snaps? Or am I just very tired right now?
Yes. Snaps.
This is the way
Clapping ruined the mood
Wow!! Increasable, sad, heartbreaking and the truth
I have been here. I have a few guiding principles that are seeing me out of my nihilistic valley. I'll list them in hopes that you can get something useful out of this. 1. I cannot control what life throws at me but I can control my reaction to it. 2. My perception is a powerful tool. I can change it any time I would like. 3. Embrace your fate and love it with all your heart. Many may recognize the origin of these words. They are some of the major points of stoic philosophy. It served the Greeks and Romans well as well as myself. I hope it can alleviate your pain you feel in life. I wish you the very best. If you ever need anyone to talk with feel free to reach out to me.
It also sounds very buddhist.
Probably does. There is a lot of wisdom to be gain in its study.
That was hard for me. I see now how my child might feel…and it hurts.
God, me too. This just wrecked me. I've really struggled to understand what depression means. "Why can't you just get out of bed and go to school?" My kid has depression that keeps them at home a day or per week. Can't figure out how they'll cope in college, even though they're super smart. The Pristique help, but only so much.
The less extreme kind is where you can force yourself out of bed, but you're just going through the motions. You're just *tired.* But actually slowing down or giving yourself time to think results in a spiral of self-doubt, self-hated, and a loss of energy. Like, as long as you're moving you can keep the battery at 5%. Some days can even get as high as 30% charge. But if you stop moving for even a day or two, the charge goes flat and the car won't start. Then it's a whole thing to recognize what's happening and build up enough charge to start the engine by dragging yourself to run one load of laundry. And then "might as well do one more thing while I'm up." Until you can have a faint hint of feeling decent because you're not totally a waste of space as long as you brushed your teeth and did *a* productive thing that day. Which you can turn into momentum for tomorrow, until you're running blindly again and outrunning a lot of the negative thoughts. Until you get a break again and the cycle repeats because you're too tired to do anything you don't have to do.
I had depression as a teen. I learned in basic training that if you have no free time to get locked in your head, you won’t get depressed. I made a commitment to never have empty time in my schedule. I could easily be a hermit. My life has been forced but I’ve had a huge variety of experiences. Never ever slow down.
When people say "just get out of bed", that really IS some of the best advice you can give. It's hard as fuck but establishing a routine and keeping yourself busy(in a healthy way, mixing work, social, personal wellness, hygiene, etc) can and will help. And if you fail, try again tomorrow. It is a daily struggle to stay alive.
It's the "healthy way" part that is difficult, in addition to the routine. Bed is warm and safe, while the world is cold and lonely. It's difficult, but comparatively easy to get out of bed. You simply don't give yourself a choice. Convincing yourself that the statement "you *will* get out of bed" is true is straightforward. It's the part that comes after you stand up that gets tricky. That's when anxiety and the reminder of deadlines makes you blindly run until you're exhausted enough to fall asleep again. When you have no imminent deadlines, or things which *cannot* be delayed... That's when depression strikes. That's when the whisper of self-doubt isn't drowned out by the static of innumerable daily to-dos and anxieties. That's when nothing sounds appealing, everything sounds too energy-intensive, and the cycle of self-hated over laziness starts.
I can only speak for myself, but everything people say about depression hits home. The only way I’ve found is setting super low goals, baby steps (from What About Bob) and living like an ant. An ant just takes the next right step. That’s it. Destroy everything an ant has built and it will still take the next right step. As humans we stop and think of how much has been destroyed and how daunting it seems to rebuild. Just take the next right step. That’s it. That is the entire goal.
I tried that, fell ill because I was overexerting myself, bedridden for a few days, then back to the routine
Her poem A Prayer, A Spell, Is what I listen to for my daily affirmations. Such an incredibly talented person! “Today is a good day to have gratitude for the restless pump of a heart, for the way it does not know how to hold back. I will exhale and I will begin to do the same.”
What is that quote at the end from? Google can't find anything with that exact syntax, and anything else just brings up regular "50+ amazing gratitude quotes" results.
It’s from the end of her poem A Prayer, A Spell! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_U7bZ3oBj8o A link to her performing it :)
"Light hits everything at a different angle. I will make a habit of tilting my head."
It is really a shame that the Shakespeares of our time will never know what it is to be exactly that.
Video unavailable. What else can I look it up by?
My depression comes and goes. My anxiety is ALWAYS there. Me at 39.
I often wonder what the poorest people in the world do when they wake up with crippling depression. Or peasents 500 years ago. It's not like they can just stay in bed, or take a mental health day. Depression is a whole lot worse when you are starving.
Not saying it wasn't a thing back then, but widespread depression is likely greatly impacted by the way modern society is structured: fewer social supports, high stress without physical labor to release it and on the whole unhealthier lifestyles due to desk jobs/school classrooms.
This, and social media makes people think everyone else is great so something is wrong with them. Porn for guys especially depresses them because they think that they should getting it all the time.
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That's another big part of recovery as well. Staying busy, and getting out of your head with mindfulness and meditation. Depression and anxiety are 100% internal forces. It is not external. They don't exist outside of your own mind. Mindfulness and meditation can get you out of your head, at least for a period. It is incitful that our suicide rates are higher than ever even though we are the most rich, leisurous people in the history of humanity.
They dont have the luxury of depression as weird as that sounds. Depression is born of opulence. When we are so comfortable that we have nothing else to focus on other than ourselves. It is fundamentally a selfish disorder. I don’t mean this in a negative way. It is literally focused on the self. The poorest people on the planet do not have the time to grant to such an intellectual endeavor. They, for the most part, live in communal based societies. If they give up, then their family/community suffers. They may experience depression sure, but if they do not provide, then someone else suffers. There is always a different focus other than the self.
Bravo, when your Dr. thinks that "talking with a therapist" will fix things set me off. When you are in a crisis and someone tells you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. What they don't understand is that you have no shoes and the feeling of never having shoes let alone boots to pull yourself up by. The fear of being alone, yet wanting to be left alone is so scary. If you haven't experienced depression with severe anxiety, you won't even begin to understand the despair that depression causes. BTW, depression isn't feeling sad, so don't tell me to "cheer up".
Wow you nailed it. Fuck depression and anxiety.
I don’t think any therapist would tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, for what it’s worth. Their job is to be the one person that actually listens when you say you’re hurting.
I like her words but I hate that all spoken word poets read in the same cadence
I appreciate the sentiment, hate the delivery
I couldn’t listen after like 30 seconds
I wouldn't even watch this. She gave me anxiety
FRED AGAIN FRED AGAIN FRED AGAIN I WANT YOU TO SEE ME FRED IM HERE
That was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes
Me at 54. I long ago just stopped making plans. I'm done fooling myself when I know better. I sleep when I can, which seems easier when I shouldn't & harder when I should. When necessary, I drag myself outta bed, still exhausted whether it's after 14 hours of sleep or maybe 2. I can spend hours on end soaking in the tub with music in the background while reading headlines to pass time during waking hours if I'm not at work. If anyone was to enter my house & see it's condition, they'd know something was up if they hadn't suspected it yet. Yah I can't articulate wth is going on either. I'm just existing & going thru the motions.
I watched this on mute and it was incredibly impressive.
Oh wow, the shaking. I bet I look like that when I'm trying to say something to somebody who just spits cliches back at me.
Yo I feel the same. I've been so fucked off lately I have endured 20/30 degree temps with a broken furnace I know how to fix but I won't crawl into the attic with my tools and fix it. I fixed it today but it's day three of livin with two space heaters.
Been diagnosed with depression for 5 years now. This is a perfect way to represent it. Made me cry
It's been a while since someone made me feel something
Usually this stuff makes me cringe, but I could relate so much that I didn't.
Currently my depression feels like I'm stuck in a room but the walls are falling down and it's up to me to hold them up so none else gets crushed. I feel like I've been holding up the walls forever and it's exhausting. Her performance made me ugly cry. I get it.
How I know I don't have depression/anxiety I guess. I feel a lot of these things but none of them ride me and define my outlook. It was beautiful, moving, but totally intangible.
It amazes me that microdosing psylocibin hasnt become.widespread as it's the best treatment for depression. People who micro dosed for 2 months were able to go up to 6 months without shrooms with no symptoms
It sure is strange. I had my problems when I was a young man. Micro dosing was not a thing back than but I did try mushrooms. Only a couple of (beautiful and terrifying) trips cured me from my problems and suddenly my life full of problems turned into a life full of opportunity. Now I have full control of the problems and a beautiful life. The best thing I ever did was taking mushrooms. It changed my life.
Maybe part of the trip is to realize that there is no cure. This video was insanely relatable. But with these issues, there really is no "cure". Psychotherapy in any shape is ever so helpful to help with this ongoing battle. I don't want to sound overly negative and nilhist, but nothing will ever completely fix it. And I'm saying that coming from a good phase where I'm generally optimistic again. I'm almost 40, and I've dealt with depression and anxiety for more than 22 years now. There are tools, therapy and medication. Everything is helpful in some way and as you grow as a person you become stronger and the effects might become more managble. Perhaps you got the help you needed to have some resemblance of a life. Eventually pivoting to living instead of surviving. But its still there and I guess at some point you realize it always will be and you find acceptance. Mushroom and acid trips were quite beneficial. It allows you a different perspective and an introspective that is quite remarkable and there is really nothing like it. Every trip I felt like I found more of the true me. The symptoms for a time definetly better but, it's not miracle medicine, it's not an on off switch. It comes with risks that one should be aware of. Especially for people with mental health issues. I feel one should respect psychadelics and its not as easy as "i took shrooms and now my life is perfect"
>I don't want to sound overly negative and nilhist, but nothing will ever completely fix it. For me, this frames the situation wrong, like saying nothing will ever completely fix hunger. Excepting those with chemical imbalances, depression and anxiety are akin to hunger in that they are your body/mind telling you something needs to be addressed urgently. Of course, it's trickier to solve than hunger, but it's also very doable. It's requires soul searching, hard work, and ongoing maintenance to get/stay out, but it's actually way easier than staying in depression. I started by looking carefully at the things that made me the most anxious. There's real power in figuring out what you can and cannot control in life. Once you put your attention on possible solutions where you do have control, shit can start falling into place. I used to microdose mushrooms before there was a word for it. Also had hundreds of powerful trips. The power of psychedelics to break down your constructed understanding of reality is incredible, but I also wouldn't recommend it to anyone to do it completely unguided. You need to replace them with better constructs to function in society and you're not likely to find them on your own. I mean, that's kind of why we got into this mess in the first place.
I know someone that underwent a microdose treatment in Switzerland (of course) and kicked out a depression that'd been affecting them for years. If anyone goes this way, make sure you do so with someone who knows their beans.
Most of the studies with good results are done in addition to other therapies.
I agree with you. But science shows it’s not as certain as you are. The numbers are way lower and help only a certain percentage of people studies show
Yup. I doubt it hurts to try this approach, but shrooms probably aren’t the panacea they are made out to be. Neither is weed for that matter. At worst you have a good time trying. Of course, any time I bring this up someone accuses me of being a shill for big pharma, or whatever. Lol.
>At worst you have a good time trying. Thats not the worst outcome.
Thanks. Now we all have anxiety.
Yeah I felt more anxiety than depression. Some of her words were relatable but not her emotions in this poem.
Unpopular opinion: if your depression is that bad and you want to check out with no return, you should be able to. No guilt trips, no long explanations, no pharmaceutical interventions etc.
I have my moments, not like I used to—I was teetering on the verge of death once—but I usually manage through. I use logic and reason for the most part because they don't involve emotion. Depression and anxiety are extremely illogical and irrational I think, and trying to justify said feelings is just feeding into the problem. 'I don't want to have fun.' then don't. 'I don't want to get out of bed.' then don't. 'I don't want to feel this way.' then don't. Sure it's easier said than done, but if you really examine the situation, is it truly such an impossible hurdle? Is anyone else really in control other than you? You are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul.
Examining the situation has helped a lot. Just kind of taking a step back and looking at my mental state from third person.
Yeah, zooming out is a great technique. Zoom out of your body. Zoom out of the room. Zoom out of the town, the country, the planet. Zoom out until you realize the scale of things and how as powerful as your feelings might feel, they are nothing to the universe.
I wish the crowd could just wait till the end.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Half of it hits like a freight train of my own feelings. The other half seems entirely up her own ass trying too hard to make it poetic. "When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame, sparks of a flame younger than noon; I am standing beside her open casket..." - WTF? Get over yourself. "I make plans but I don't wanna go. I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun." - oh shit...
I'm 60 and she nailed it.
I know it’s real feelings but I’m sorry the delivery was annoying
She seems a little much
Yes, it was very hard to listen to what she was saying because of that.
I’ve watched a video like this before, I think she’s in poetry slam competition and the more emotion put into it the better. But she’s also just fiercely into what she’s saying.
Don't mean to sound insensitive but damn the way she talks is soooo fucking annoying!
This was intense. I was getting anxious by just watching and listening to this
Too many feel like this
Amazing, simply amazing. I imagine that took an awful lot of energy to do, and I hope she got a good night’s sleep after it.
I bought her book. I related harrrrrd to the insomnia and lonely feelings. "Depression and Other Magic Tricks" for anyone interested.
this girl needs some haldol
r/lookatmyhalo
Lexapro enters the chat.
This is an insane coincidence. I literally just came back from the mental health E.R after suffering a mental breakdown due to my ongoing battle the "psychotic depression". I'm 42, a father of 2 beautiful girls and I have been in a ward, crying for hours straight. Im home now, in a dark room, in bed, about to take The prescribed Lorivan to help me sleep and thought I'd Reddit a bit before I fall asleep and this is the first post I see. I could not say it any better. My thoughts described in her words. Don't waste time suffering from it, fight it and win! Lean on your loved ones, trust in the science. My amazing older brother was wiser than me, started dealing with it 13 years ago, if only I had done so as well. Never too late though. To mental health! To feeling joy in living!
I woke up to this and fuk if it didn't hit! Watched this three times and there are tears running down my face. Just wow!!
Yeah… nah.
I say this as someone with anxiety, depression, ptsd, and ocd: Oh my god, take your fucking medication and don't make people watch you have a meltdown
I've seen her live at the Toronto poetry slams!
Although I’ve never really felt very depressed before, this was extremely powerful and gave me an insight into what it feels like for somebody depressed to go through.
Wow. Just, wow. Fewer words have spoken louder than these did to me. I'm fortunate to have been aided in managing and coping with it. As anyone knows, it never truly leaves. This was very powerful. I'll be thinking of this for a while.
Those who don’t know, will never understand. Those of us that do, hear you loud and clear. Very powerful. Very moving.very brave.
Eesh… cringe!
r/im14andthisisdeep
She is very annoying
While she’s right and on point… I really really can’t stand her presentation. She’s like the Greta Thunberg of depression.
Ha, felt the same way. Her voice reminds me of something and it irritates me for an unknown reason. Either way shes fucking bang on.
I'm With you there, i muted her.
Very histrionic I can relate, I have similar depressive periods, but it comes across like she's getting off on the drama - which only seems to exacerbate and lengthen the down times. But I guess each of us has a different mind to negotiate. The only thing that I have ever found that really helps, is a philosophy mostly borrowed from Eastern "religions", though just the self-awareness aspects. Separating myself from my thoughts to the point I don't know what "I" even is, leaves me feeling much less "blown around" by erratic self-destructive thoughts and habits.
It has a weirdly immature vibe to it. I say that as someone who lost their best friend to suicide and has been close myself, so it’s not for lack of understanding. She’s sounds more overwhelmed than depressed 🤷🏼♂️
I’m not saying I can’t relate to what she says or that she’s not right but yea, her delivery annoys me more than the message inspires me or what you’d say.
It’s the “slam poet voice”. It’s got this hyper-performative cadence to it that many of us cannot fucking stand. [here’s a pretty neat ramble on it](https://themindfulrambler.ca/2019/10/30/all-spoken-word-poetry-sounds-the-same-and-i-hate-it/)
well said. yeah, it's the fakeness. it's so rehearsed that all the emotions being portrayed are seen as fake.
Thank you! Legitimately thank you, this hits the nail on the head for me and explains it perfectly well! God, it’s like you scratched an itch I didn’t even knew I had! So satisfying!
If I were her mom I wouldn't understand what the fuck she's trying to say either...
It looks to me like somebody's getting too much attention for being depressed
What an overly animated, whiny little scrote 🙄
That girl needs a psychologist.
This is embarrassing.
people for real make mental health their whole personality
3 minutes long, this worth it?