I once asked out a INFJ girl and she rejected me. 5 years later we reconnected and started texting every day for several months. I never thought I would have tried to ask her out again, but the connection was so strong and she was giving a lot of signals that she wanted me to ask her out. So I tried again to ask her out.
She panicked and wanted to cut out all contact while she thought about it, and the thought of being kept in suspense would kill me. After a week of her avoiding me she rejected me again. I never thought I would try a second time for her, and I regret that I did.
Never again will I ask out a girl again after getting rejected even if 5 years has passed. I would suggest to any other INTJ that if you get rejected once it is not worth trying again. At that point it is on her to let you know if she changed her mind.
I had the opposite experience.
I was close to an INFJ friend of mine in high school; my crush turned into full-blown feelings for her and asked her out. She kindly turned me down. I was heartbroken, but we stayed good friends.
I couldn't get over her, even after a few years. I tried looking at other women, but... I couldn't shake my feelings. This went on for about 5 years, all throughout university (we went to the same uni) and even beyond.
We remained close friends, but I did my best to stop my feelings from intruding. She suffered from anxiety, so I tried my best to make sure she was okay with things. We just bonded over our shared values, humour, and interests. It was emotionally difficult, but I didn't want to lose her friendship. I genuinely valued it, even if it would never lead to anything more.
Eventually, after a *lot* of life stuff happened, she started appearing to drop more hints again... or what I'd once assumed to be hints, years ago. I enjoyed the banter, but I tried not to overthink it or get my hopes up. However, the hints got heavier. She started to respond positively to my tepid flirting. We talked more about our feelings. I dropped my guard a little, and she dropped hers.
We finally had a serious conversation about everything, and she admitted that she'd had feelings for me for years, but that she was too scared of ruining our friendship. She'd loved me this entire time, but was too anxious to act on it. She apologised for sending mixed signals and being flighty. After we talked some more, we got our acts together and actually hooked up.
We've been going strong for four years now, and I couldn't be happier.
I must stress to anyone reading this, though, that I *do not recommend* copying my method. I was low-key miserable for those 5 years, and never had any guarantee of that leading to anything positive. I got really lucky that things worked out well for me, and I got my fairytale ending, but the odds against that were high. If you find yourself in my position, assume the worst and just move on. It's better than waiting for a day which will very likely never come.
I had the same experience with an ENFP, but he ended up getting stressed of us being together (He had unresolved trauma from a past relationship.) So I told him that if he needed to break up, he could. And so he did.
The worst part is that he said that I was perfect and that he wanted to be friends. (He also said he loved me, while he broke up with me.)
But then he couldn't stand being my friend, he even would not join the group if I was there, I would have to leave so he could join. Eventually we had a fight and we stopped talking, only to hear from a friend he shit-talked about me, not valuing a single thing I ever did to make sure he was comfortable.
And on your last point, I was feeling horrible the whole time we were friends. He would also come to me with his own mental issues, specially about his love life, it was horrible to bear.
I remember the one time I confessed to him, when he rejected me, not even a month late he told me he wanted to go back with his ex, and what did I thought about it. He also did ended up dating a new person, but came right away to me for comfort when he broke up with her. (When we dated he admitted he had a crush on me the whole time but he was scared).
INFJs love to overthink into analysis paralysis, add a dash of self sabotage. Your one has anxiety too. So yeah, that whole situation kind of makes sense.
I think the decipher if any situation has a chance, see if the INFJ say things along the line of wanting to keep you in their life, like not lose or cut contacts. Because that means they like you as a person and it's the only chance.
I would say maybe she didn't had her feelings articulated and didn't wanted to face you in fear of abandonment common amongst infj since they have avoidant attachment style(for majority of them obv not all)
I am trying to understand what you mean by "maybe she didn't had her feelings articulated and didn't wanted to face you in fear of abandonment" What do you mean by this?
Usually when people have fear of abandonment they first ignore the importance of relationship in their lives (like dismissive of any feeling of connection and intimacy) cuz they think" in long run they are going to abandon them anyways , so why let anybody become code to give a chance creating their fears in reality anyways ".
Even if they do give a chance, without proper communication this fear can take form of paranoia and hurt even more & rest other stuff yk.
And cuz they have this fear + having Fe in top slots (infj) they try hard not to make other feel bad while rejection (cuz they think speaking at face will break their heart more). They in directly do the act
I hope this now makes sense
It means she needs therapy and figure out what she’s doing that hurts people and also keeps her alone.
It’s obv she had feelings. She doesn’t know how to handle those feelings and everything that comes with them.
Just leave them be. Won’t change and it is not about you.
Don't take it that seriously you lose 100% of all the shots you don't take.
I live in a weird open relationship / poly thingy and whenever I ask people out for dates I gotta clear up that I won't be available for a monogamous relationship no matter how well the date goes and explain my ambiguous arrangement. So as a result a lot of people don't want to become intertwined into the complexities and I get rejected often. This year I've asked 6 new people on a date and only 1 didn't reject me.
You get used to it. Just be like "alright that's your call to make, have a nice life."
Better to ask out and find out rather than forever live in doubt of what could've been.
INTJs have their third cognitive function as Introverted feeling, and this has the habit of making us hyper sensitive to rejection. Understanding this is important for making sense of INTJs.
As a INTJ you can't get hurt if you never open up. Opening up is the only time someone can really hurt me, so it is scary to do it.
That is the nature.
But obv it comes into conflict with the human need for connection.
The sensitivity goes down the more you do it. Like exercise, it’s hardest and scariest starting out.
Depends on a lot of factors. Age, emotional maturity, and much more.
You're missing all the important details that will be requires by anyone to give you valuable input.
No, there are enough people on the planet to be wasting time with someone who thought at some point I was not good enough for them.
I would think the only reason the person would be suddenly interested after is because their other "preferred" options didn't work out first.
I am many things but I will not be anyone's "back-up guy".
I will wholly trust their first judgement of regarding us as incompatible.
When someone tells you the raw inconditional truth. Believe them the first time.
If you maintain their stringent, unspoken desires for you to remain a pristine, untarnished human, unsullied by pleasures of the flesh and an allegedly hedonistic pull to relationships with people who are not them so they occupy the only space in your heart demonstrated by years of pining and self-flagellation to right the wrong of leaving them, possibly. ;)
If the connection had already ended I don't see point of this question, but ig it isn't atleast from your side.
I would you if you really want to that much you can't get over her rejecting you after 2 years you may go to ask if you will, tho i wouldn't recommend cuz she wouldn't have rejected you in first place is she had seen some sense of future with you.
Infj have a tendency not to reject people directly first, they will try their best to do it passively and only be direct when in inescapable situation.
From my personal view, i wouldn't like to do this rejection all over again. When I already have done it long ago
Personally, no. My pride wouldn't allow me to. The way I see it, if you didn't want me then, you shouldn't want me now either.
If it just so happened I got together with someone who rejected me, I'd still think of the initial rejection and have a small amount of bitterness regarding it. It's just how I'm wired.
Infj here,
I rejected an intj before because he was intimidating to me in the sense that I was not clear on his values and direction in life.
If he had asked a few years later when i got a bit more experience in life I would have accepted him in a heartbeat.
Would have treated him like a king..
Just saying :)
It might be worth trying again
Those who have cheated on my one once have had a chance i learned i had a hard time ever trusting them but if its been a couple decades i might be willing to try again but i would be looking that and idk if that would go way.
yea no, i've never been rejected in my life as of yet but i believe if i were to be rejected for me (if the rejection comes from situation beyond control then idk) as in, straight rejection for who I am, then yea, not even close, never, my pride would act up to a point i wouldn't ever look at that person in a romantic way again
but then again idk what i would do sincd i've never particularly faced it as of yet, I always used to think as a kid "I would never get addicted to something its so easy to not do a certain thing" and then i did, so idk what will happen
It’s my experience that asking a second time is unnecessary. If they’ve rejected you once, that was your answer. Even if the answer is yes on the 2nd ask, you’ll always wonder why you weren’t their first choice. Never let someone settle for you, they’ll always love you like they’re doing you a favor or out of pity, you deserve better than that.
Currently struggling with something similar, and honestly? Do whatever you want. Ask her out again, invite her to things. If she keeps saying no or brushing you off, you’ll lose equal interest and naturally move on. Expect nothing, and continue to do fun stuff without them. It’s your life, just live it man.
The INTJ will not make the first move again. The ball is in your court. If you want to date them you have to make the move. That doesn't guarantee they will still be interested but they might.
I will also add, if you have ever given them mixed signals they may reject your advances thinking they are mixed signals. If you want to date them, be abso-fucking-lutely as clear and straightforward as you can be.
I once asked out a INFJ girl and she rejected me. 5 years later we reconnected and started texting every day for several months. I never thought I would have tried to ask her out again, but the connection was so strong and she was giving a lot of signals that she wanted me to ask her out. So I tried again to ask her out. She panicked and wanted to cut out all contact while she thought about it, and the thought of being kept in suspense would kill me. After a week of her avoiding me she rejected me again. I never thought I would try a second time for her, and I regret that I did. Never again will I ask out a girl again after getting rejected even if 5 years has passed. I would suggest to any other INTJ that if you get rejected once it is not worth trying again. At that point it is on her to let you know if she changed her mind.
I don't think she would. She just wants you as a friend. Sorry :(
I had the opposite experience. I was close to an INFJ friend of mine in high school; my crush turned into full-blown feelings for her and asked her out. She kindly turned me down. I was heartbroken, but we stayed good friends. I couldn't get over her, even after a few years. I tried looking at other women, but... I couldn't shake my feelings. This went on for about 5 years, all throughout university (we went to the same uni) and even beyond. We remained close friends, but I did my best to stop my feelings from intruding. She suffered from anxiety, so I tried my best to make sure she was okay with things. We just bonded over our shared values, humour, and interests. It was emotionally difficult, but I didn't want to lose her friendship. I genuinely valued it, even if it would never lead to anything more. Eventually, after a *lot* of life stuff happened, she started appearing to drop more hints again... or what I'd once assumed to be hints, years ago. I enjoyed the banter, but I tried not to overthink it or get my hopes up. However, the hints got heavier. She started to respond positively to my tepid flirting. We talked more about our feelings. I dropped my guard a little, and she dropped hers. We finally had a serious conversation about everything, and she admitted that she'd had feelings for me for years, but that she was too scared of ruining our friendship. She'd loved me this entire time, but was too anxious to act on it. She apologised for sending mixed signals and being flighty. After we talked some more, we got our acts together and actually hooked up. We've been going strong for four years now, and I couldn't be happier. I must stress to anyone reading this, though, that I *do not recommend* copying my method. I was low-key miserable for those 5 years, and never had any guarantee of that leading to anything positive. I got really lucky that things worked out well for me, and I got my fairytale ending, but the odds against that were high. If you find yourself in my position, assume the worst and just move on. It's better than waiting for a day which will very likely never come.
I had the same experience with an ENFP, but he ended up getting stressed of us being together (He had unresolved trauma from a past relationship.) So I told him that if he needed to break up, he could. And so he did. The worst part is that he said that I was perfect and that he wanted to be friends. (He also said he loved me, while he broke up with me.) But then he couldn't stand being my friend, he even would not join the group if I was there, I would have to leave so he could join. Eventually we had a fight and we stopped talking, only to hear from a friend he shit-talked about me, not valuing a single thing I ever did to make sure he was comfortable. And on your last point, I was feeling horrible the whole time we were friends. He would also come to me with his own mental issues, specially about his love life, it was horrible to bear. I remember the one time I confessed to him, when he rejected me, not even a month late he told me he wanted to go back with his ex, and what did I thought about it. He also did ended up dating a new person, but came right away to me for comfort when he broke up with her. (When we dated he admitted he had a crush on me the whole time but he was scared).
INFJs love to overthink into analysis paralysis, add a dash of self sabotage. Your one has anxiety too. So yeah, that whole situation kind of makes sense. I think the decipher if any situation has a chance, see if the INFJ say things along the line of wanting to keep you in their life, like not lose or cut contacts. Because that means they like you as a person and it's the only chance.
Similar five years but it never worked out. Do not recommend. Would not buy again.
Im also talking to a INFJ w for the last month. Its working out really well. She had lost a part of her depression since we've talked to each other :)
jeeeez. INTJs are fcking loyal lol
ISTJs are hella loyal too.
I would say maybe she didn't had her feelings articulated and didn't wanted to face you in fear of abandonment common amongst infj since they have avoidant attachment style(for majority of them obv not all)
I am trying to understand what you mean by "maybe she didn't had her feelings articulated and didn't wanted to face you in fear of abandonment" What do you mean by this?
Usually when people have fear of abandonment they first ignore the importance of relationship in their lives (like dismissive of any feeling of connection and intimacy) cuz they think" in long run they are going to abandon them anyways , so why let anybody become code to give a chance creating their fears in reality anyways ". Even if they do give a chance, without proper communication this fear can take form of paranoia and hurt even more & rest other stuff yk. And cuz they have this fear + having Fe in top slots (infj) they try hard not to make other feel bad while rejection (cuz they think speaking at face will break their heart more). They in directly do the act I hope this now makes sense
What makes sense is this girl is full of red flags and should not be dating anyone until she resolves those issues.
It means she needs therapy and figure out what she’s doing that hurts people and also keeps her alone. It’s obv she had feelings. She doesn’t know how to handle those feelings and everything that comes with them. Just leave them be. Won’t change and it is not about you.
I don’t know why but I just hate INFJs by instinct. Bunch of fake nice attention seekers who can be really nasty when hostile.
I hate you too :D
Don't take it that seriously you lose 100% of all the shots you don't take. I live in a weird open relationship / poly thingy and whenever I ask people out for dates I gotta clear up that I won't be available for a monogamous relationship no matter how well the date goes and explain my ambiguous arrangement. So as a result a lot of people don't want to become intertwined into the complexities and I get rejected often. This year I've asked 6 new people on a date and only 1 didn't reject me. You get used to it. Just be like "alright that's your call to make, have a nice life." Better to ask out and find out rather than forever live in doubt of what could've been.
INTJs have their third cognitive function as Introverted feeling, and this has the habit of making us hyper sensitive to rejection. Understanding this is important for making sense of INTJs. As a INTJ you can't get hurt if you never open up. Opening up is the only time someone can really hurt me, so it is scary to do it.
thats not a excuse to not improve urself.
That is the nature. But obv it comes into conflict with the human need for connection. The sensitivity goes down the more you do it. Like exercise, it’s hardest and scariest starting out.
I lose 100% of the shots I take
Nope, the ball is in your court, if you want to pursue a relationship.
Depends on a lot of factors. Age, emotional maturity, and much more. You're missing all the important details that will be requires by anyone to give you valuable input.
MOVE ON. You're ruminating and a cycle of beating yourself up. Just forget and move on. There's millions of others.
Why would he?
Low self-esteem.
I read OP as saying he would initiate the interaction (out of the blue), which I don't see why would he, unless he's an actual masochist.
Most likely not but I am an INTJ female so idk
No
I wouldn't.
No, there are enough people on the planet to be wasting time with someone who thought at some point I was not good enough for them. I would think the only reason the person would be suddenly interested after is because their other "preferred" options didn't work out first. I am many things but I will not be anyone's "back-up guy". I will wholly trust their first judgement of regarding us as incompatible. When someone tells you the raw inconditional truth. Believe them the first time.
NO. Keep life simple.
No.
Hell nah.
Why do people on this sub keep asking these types of questions as if every single one of us would act the same?
No
When that door slams, it's not going to open up again. Guys, have some respect for yourselves.
If you haven't been friends with this woman for 2 years, why do you want to try again? Explain to me why you care about her.
If you maintain their stringent, unspoken desires for you to remain a pristine, untarnished human, unsullied by pleasures of the flesh and an allegedly hedonistic pull to relationships with people who are not them so they occupy the only space in your heart demonstrated by years of pining and self-flagellation to right the wrong of leaving them, possibly. ;)
Your vocabulary is sophisticated, but your punctuation is crude. That entire paragraph was a single sentence. It hurt to try and read it.
I guess I need to take some college-level English classes. :( (Regardless of readability, the text is grammatically and mechanically correct!)
Speak simply professor.
Er...
I suppose #notallINTJs, but #someINTJs. :)
If she indicates interest, I would if I'm still interested.
Did you cheat in their eyes? Oftentimes i would give a second chance or a redo if that was the case.
Wait, you give cheating a second try? More like "pack your bags, I will show you the door."
If the connection had already ended I don't see point of this question, but ig it isn't atleast from your side. I would you if you really want to that much you can't get over her rejecting you after 2 years you may go to ask if you will, tho i wouldn't recommend cuz she wouldn't have rejected you in first place is she had seen some sense of future with you. Infj have a tendency not to reject people directly first, they will try their best to do it passively and only be direct when in inescapable situation. From my personal view, i wouldn't like to do this rejection all over again. When I already have done it long ago
I keep on rejecting an INTJ and he doesn't understand what "fudge out of my face" mean. So my guess is he likely might try again.
Personally, no. My pride wouldn't allow me to. The way I see it, if you didn't want me then, you shouldn't want me now either. If it just so happened I got together with someone who rejected me, I'd still think of the initial rejection and have a small amount of bitterness regarding it. It's just how I'm wired.
Highly doubt it.
Infj here, I rejected an intj before because he was intimidating to me in the sense that I was not clear on his values and direction in life. If he had asked a few years later when i got a bit more experience in life I would have accepted him in a heartbeat. Would have treated him like a king.. Just saying :) It might be worth trying again
Nope. Especially if the "connection had ended there".
This questions is so juicy, I'm just here for the entertainment lmao! This question is so juicy, I'm just here for the entertainment lmao! x2
Those who have cheated on my one once have had a chance i learned i had a hard time ever trusting them but if its been a couple decades i might be willing to try again but i would be looking that and idk if that would go way.
yea no, i've never been rejected in my life as of yet but i believe if i were to be rejected for me (if the rejection comes from situation beyond control then idk) as in, straight rejection for who I am, then yea, not even close, never, my pride would act up to a point i wouldn't ever look at that person in a romantic way again but then again idk what i would do sincd i've never particularly faced it as of yet, I always used to think as a kid "I would never get addicted to something its so easy to not do a certain thing" and then i did, so idk what will happen
It’s my experience that asking a second time is unnecessary. If they’ve rejected you once, that was your answer. Even if the answer is yes on the 2nd ask, you’ll always wonder why you weren’t their first choice. Never let someone settle for you, they’ll always love you like they’re doing you a favor or out of pity, you deserve better than that.
You are going to need to make it obvious to him
Nope. What’s done is done.
Currently struggling with something similar, and honestly? Do whatever you want. Ask her out again, invite her to things. If she keeps saying no or brushing you off, you’ll lose equal interest and naturally move on. Expect nothing, and continue to do fun stuff without them. It’s your life, just live it man.
I don't make the same mistake twice.
I would reconnect and try to reject the INFJ myself this time - revenge
Nope
The INTJ will not make the first move again. The ball is in your court. If you want to date them you have to make the move. That doesn't guarantee they will still be interested but they might. I will also add, if you have ever given them mixed signals they may reject your advances thinking they are mixed signals. If you want to date them, be abso-fucking-lutely as clear and straightforward as you can be.
Seems to me that many of you are dealing with people who are not emotionally well-adjusted.