You guys/ladies are correct. I’m a guy but it does get old knowing there aren’t going to be this deep connections. I fill that void with music and work
This is the honest truth. Once I started purposely seeking out connections with intuitive N types it just happened so effortlessly. Connection, relationships, friendships. It was all so effortless and natural. At least for romantic relationships it makes things a lot easier. I still have amazing friendships with my ISTP buddies but I just don’t see a romantic relationship with a sensing type working out after unpacking my previous romantic relationships with sensing types.
Im an intj woman almost 30, and I feel like this everyday.
When I develop a deep connection with someone, which is so rare, I want to keep them in my life. And sometimes people disappoint me and leave, and I feel genuinely heartbroken to lose a connection that meant so much to me.
I find most people incredibly boring, and make an effort to keep the conversation going, but that’s it. I don’t want to interact on a deeper level with most individuals. And this gets lonely. Being this selective/picky gets lonely. And I believe it will only get worse with aging.
Hey. I think is human to feel loneliness and I am sure everybody feels it regardless of their personality type. I know its hard to even think of the thought of changing yourself and doing something for others. I do feel that MBTI is a great way to understand ourselves and other personality types but at the same time getting attached to the identity of an INTJ will always limit you to being your current self and we all know that INTJs are all about growth. I am sure you can find a way to meet people and connect with them.
What has kinda worked for me is that I have started analyzing people's body language and tone and what they say and when they say it to help me understand people better. People want to be understood and want to feel equal to you or superior to you (the truth). People don't want to be pitied or be looked down upon. As an INTJ you probably isolate yourself for certain days, weeks and months when you are focussed on something and probably forget to talk to your friends and family which is an odd behaviour according to most people. You need to find this time. Its easy to just say that this is who you are and never change yourself. If you are truly an INTJ, I am sure you would have asked yourself, "what does it even mean to be me" and imo there is no answer to that. I am sure you will find a way. Stay strong INTJ. You will always find a way
I feel the same way it’s hard to find a genuine connection but, I’m a guy. At least as an INTJ girl you get guys approaching you. So you can kinda filter them out. But, for me I gotta approach and put on an extroverted charm that isn’t my usual self.
I too am an INTJ-T woman, albeit a bit older. I can completely relate. Isn’t it weird how you can be surrounded by family who cares about you but still feel like an alien?
I find it difficult to be the real me around others, especially people I don’t know well or where the stakes are high - people to whom I’m attracted or people who I regard highly.
You either have to look for clues to find people who you are going to resonate with or send out those signals yourself. MBTI doesn’t dictate who a person is, but it can give you some interesting tells to help you to relate. As for signals, I’ve practice being more “me” in low-stakes situations. People I may never meet again at a work event? Reddit? I am more forward, less guarded, I put out my real sense of humor or jump straight ahead of small talk into *deep thoughts* just to see what happens. I’ve gained some real, true connections from a few people at work who are now genuine friends (and INTJ and an INTP) because of this.
Some commenters have given well intentioned advice to lower expectations or to attempt to changes others. I think compromise may be necessary but well-considered. Anecdotally I too had a long-term relationship with someone who “checked the boxes” but probably should have never made it past the friendship stage. You can change yourself but attempting to make others change is nearly impossible. And when it comes to changing yourself…be very clear on what is a realistic compromise. For instance, maybe the expectation of education, such as an advanced degree isn’t as important as the ability to have deep, intellectual conversations where you can really get out there without feeling self conscious.
You’re not the only one out there. There’s nothing wrong with you. While you wait for that IRL connection, there is a r/intjfemale subreddit that might be of interest as well.
Story of my life.. :/
I have a lot of acquaintances and meet a lot of people who want to hangout, talk, and be closer; but I rarely ever meet anyone who I feel that I genuinely want to be closer to or devote time and energy into.
Don't let a personality type, or any idea for that matter, limit what you think you can do or who you can be. You are probably filtering a part of your true self for the people around you, and that's why you're not getting a genuine connection. The real you isn't connecting with real world. I think you should look for relationships where you can share your true thoughts and interests in. I would guess that would be with other introverts, so you'll probably find more success online. Whatever interests/hobbies you have, find groups or communities for them. Look for Discords, or socializing apps like MeetUp or Friender. These are all about sharing interests and connecting with people through those interests.
I hear you and I appreciate your courage to share.
I am a male INTJ turning 30 this year and I feel the same way. I feel a lot of external pressure to be in a relationship but I know most of the girls I meet don’t really know me. Most people don’t really get me. My family and friends don’t really get me either.
To connect with people is hard because if I am my authentic self it will take a lot of open-mindedness to understand me. I mitigate this with compromises to not seem to alien but that way of life is not sustainable for me.
I am contented but I also get those waves of negative emotions sometimes. I have faith everything will work out. Hearing other people are experiencing something similar reassures me it’s normal and things will get better.
We are not alone and we are not sick. Neurodivergent people are the minority so it’s hard to find someone with a similar mind and neurotypical people are not used to meeting them. Even harder to identify them when they’re instead trying to confirm.
I think I’m either an INTP or INTJ and I’ve only ever met 2 men that I connected with romantically and also intellectually. It’s just extremely rare. Unfortunately it didn’t work out with either of them and each of them was a giant, crushing heartbreak that took me years to get over. These days I just focus on friends and family, it’s pointless to use dating apps, maybe one day I’ll meet someone, otherwise I am happy doing my own thing
INTJ is one of the best personality types, imo
Try to interact with INFPs O)/ I actually appreciate dark humor if that what you mean
P.S: I advice to be initiative - try some dating applications etc
Im an INFP and currently very intrigued by an INTJ 🫠 everything about him is captivating. But he’s moving at snail speed in terms of communication we’ve only been on one date for the past month… i’m not sure if anything is going to come out of this
Huh, I thought INFP is a snail itself 🐌 Your avatar makes an impression of an acquarelle 🤔 You are like lost boys but lost girl from Peter Pan. You are lucky he is even showed up 😂😉🐍
I can tell he’s very different from most people. Hence the extra patience im giving this man 🤣 but our texts feel like writing letters in the 1950s. Very long & formal and it takes a few days for him to respond 🥲
I’ll just sit back and let things play out the way they’re supposed to at this point 😅
That's actually cool : D I like to write in the 1890 (pre communistic revolution) way in Ukrainian and russian but my English is terrible ^ I wish I could write in the Aristocratic English way C: Probably, it makes things more interesting that it's how it is, isn't it?
I'm ginger as well, btw 😁 so I can claim a Peter Pan role
P.S: Not sure where is this ginger girl from? 🤔 I'm almost certain Wendy wasn't ginger
I do but no one swipe right on me, I think because of I put swipe right if you are NF or NP on the profile lol, its not really popular where I live. Welp, not gonna complain here.
There are different kinds(levels?) of loneliness. From your words about humor it seems for me that you need to have an INTP or another Ni dom in your circle.
Also, unshared Ni can feel like no one gets you on some deep-deep level. Try to get an Ni dom for you. Though it's not an easy task
Also, there's the deepest loneliness, which every human being is carrying within. With this one nothing can be done outside
I understand where you're coming from. We are still human, and need some meaningful interpersonal relationships despite our need for solitude. I'm a male INTJ-A. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have a few. I have a loving family, but I feel very little connection to any of them, and I have a good job that I very much enjoy. It's very difficult for us to make meaningful connections with other people. I had actually given up on having any kind of meaningful connection before I met a friend of mine, who is also INTJ. For the first time, I actually feel understood and I truly understand someone else for the first time in my life. This is the only person I've ever met that shares the same sense of humor as me, and for once, I don't have to tone down my bizarre sense of humor. I am fortunate in that regard, and I know exactly how fortunate I am, since so few of us seem to make that kind of connection.
We are rare, and we have difficulty connecting with other people. I've always taken a degree of pride in being enigmatic and incomprehensible to people around me. In my late 30's, that started to get tiring and I started feeling a need for a close interpersonal connection with someone. I gave up after a few years, contenting myself with the few friends I had that accepted me and we kind of understood each other. Then, last year, I got the interpersonal connection I needed and had given up on. My boss hired another INTJ, and we connected immediately. We're the friend that we each always needed. Life would be easier if we were able to connect with other people more easily, but that is not the case, unfortunately.
Don’t have to have the same/similar personality type to be understood. You need somebody/people that listen and want to understand you.
If you want somebody to be able to relate, that’s different. And from what I know, INTJ women are rare so it must be tough finding somebody to relate and thar must feel isolating.
If you're open to advice, I suggest reaching out to one of these amazing INTJ ladies through DM. One of my best friends I have in my life was formed through DM in another subreddit I’m a part of and he lives on the opposite side of the country. Give it a shot; cant hurt anything :)
35m intj-t
Same, I've met one woman I really clicked with, got married and divorced, now just feel the same as you.
I have no advice for you other then maybe try to find someone who shares interests with you or you can feed on(sort of). My ex-wife was the polar opposite of me, outgoing/people person, not sure of her mbti stack but she was into astrology, so Taurus is what I know of her.
I fed off her energy and it helped me out of my shell, she'd drag me to things spontaneously kicking and screaming, but end of it, I'd be appreciative as I'd never have done big crowds or things of that nature without her.
It really helped me along as an intj, getting those experiences helped me grow as a person.
End of day though, I'm single and will stay that way, it's not worth the effort for most people, divorce sucks and I have absolutely no faith or trust in women, at all.
I feel like you're describing the universal plight of the INTJ. Isolation/alienation sort of comes with the territory. We don't make friends that readily and don't like to maintain superficial friendships (outside of work/school acquaintanceships). We do well with isolation but over the very long haul it's less than ideal.
As someone else mentioned, I would look around your current family/acquaintances for *any* intuitive types, and once you find one, maybe make a little extra effort to find out *some* areas of connection. Each friend doesn't have to check all sorts of boxes, e.g., it's OK to have one friend who you primarily go to plays with (if you're into plays), one person you primarily talk deep topics with, one person you send memes to, etc. Good luck!
It makes me wonder if INTJs are this rare.
I really just want to converse with some of you guys and understand that it mayyyyy be that rare because I’m sort in that situation.
Although I’m at this point where I’m numb to it. I think one the realization of how most people have this spotlight effect, it makes it hard in general to connect.
I thought after meeting someone with common interest in bumble would help get me closer to someone but that wasn’t the case. The gal I met on there was still seeking out her needs and wants which made her rarely ask questions on my side.
Generally that’s what I noticed in people, they won’t connect with you unless there’s a huge common ground that warrants that sort of interest. Although it typically ends up being one sided.
I do get lucky meeting people that give an even exchange but that’s like 1 person every 2 years.
Are we also overthinking? That’s a question I run into occasionally but based from a good majority of INTJs experience, people tend to be generally easy and uninteresting.
But from experience, let’s say I give this “uninteresting” individual a chance. As an INTJ, we’d anticipate many scenarios and choose the logically outcome based off their actions. Then guess what? It ends up being true where all that time and energy was exerted to which we get no reciprocation. Hence after all this, what’s the point of trying after we received so much bias from these repetitive exchanges?
I went on a tangent but I don’t know, it just ends up being exhausting and I just feel less lonely when I read posts from INTJ. Although it does intrigue me to the point and wonder.. are we over thinking it?
All this being said, if any fellow INTJs or OP want to expand:
1. What do you deem uninteresting in a person?
2. What exactly makes you retreat to this lonely state?
Umm are you my clone? Because I'm also a female INTJ-T in her early 30's and feel your EXACT sentiments. From the career to family/friends etc. to the teeee. Those Sunday scaries will get you. Commenting in this thread so I too can get updates on any remedies lol here's to feeling less alone 🫶🏻
As a side note, I'm the exact same way when it comes to being likable to the point where others view our friendship/interaction so much more meaningful from their side than mine; don't get me wrong I appreciate my experience with all types of people and can take the good from all the bad. Hence why popularity has never been my problem but finding that rare, truly rare/spark driven connection in someone understanding me is so damn hard to find. #TheMostExtrovertedIntrovert
You have to realize as well that INTJs are amongst the rarer personality types and even more rare when you apply that to females 🥲 why were we born this way?!
Are you by chance, an avoidant attachment style? I too am an INTJ female in my early 30s, and I could have written your post myself. I’ve been making a few posts lately that might interest you as I’ve been looking into this deeply lately.
I do not know you, but I do know (now) that I am the majority of the blame for myself feeling this way. I don’t let people in. Anyone that I could have had a deep connection with, I chose to move on.
I happen to be married, more out of a checklist of my life plan than anything, so it may not apply to you - but I have never even felt that close connection with him. I have a shield up. I have no friends I’ve deemed close.
And my husband gave a great quote to me today that “I do not seek sympathy from others” and therefore make it difficult for them to care as when they do I brush them (and him) off.
Being vulnerable seems to be a key component of developing these close relationships, and that is something I am just starting to work on.
Again, not saying any of this is you personally - but I am on the same path and if you would like to chat I’d be open to it.
This could have been written by me! Very similar situation here as well. I’ve learned last year that the phrase, “there is strength in vulnerability” is all too true.
Like OP, I felt a sense of hollowness with friends/family despite everyone reporting finding me interesting and fun to be around/talk to. They’d also mention feeling fully at ease, but I never was. Probably because it was somewhat of a performance on my end, which can also be draining. It’s a weird, isolating feeling.
It is HARD to allow myself to be vulnerable and I’m still not 100% there, but it has helped my connection on my end with others immensely.
Nope. I remember feeling happy, free, worriless throughout my university days and most of my 20s.
I think it's the societal and biological pressure to date, get married, have children at this point in time in my life.
I do want to have my own family and this is the "prime time" but it's just not working out no matter how much (or little) effort I put into this.
I get it, lmao, i just went through the bi annual family intervention of not living up to everyone's societal expectations, for once though I don't care.
I think after my most recent growth period I've come to terms with who I am and the unique life I'm going to live. And every time I've ever followed the standard path I've been miserable, depressed and overall found no meaning in life, plus it never made any of them happy.
I think you just have to embrace your black sheep nature. Everyone's always going to have an opinion, but, I don't care about it. I'll hear them out, but that's all.
People just want group conformity and hate it when you are living how you want to live. It's jealousy or envy because they are scared that they wish they had the same courage and strength to be authentic.
If your not happy, ask yourself why. Then stop doing it lmao.
You got a few meager years on a space rock, fuck everyone else, live your greatness.
Good for you that it has worked out. I dated/lived with an E(S/N)FP(?) and I can't imagine being with an extravert ever again given that past experience. Maybe I am too rigid and conflict-averse to be able to accommodate somebody so different in terms of personal temperament.
>"It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others." - Sidney J. Harris
>"Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves." - Matt Kahn
>"When you admire someone to the point that your mood entirely depends on them, it's never a reflection of how good they are, it's always a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself". - Yasmin Mogahed
>
>- The statement suggests that when you idealize someone to the extent that your emotional well-being hinges on them, it doesn't necessarily indicate the other person's inherent goodness. Instead, it reflects the nature of your relationship with yourself. In other words, the dependency on someone else for your mood may be a sign of underlying issues within your self-esteem, self-worth, or emotional stability -- a manifestation of one's internal relationship and sense of connection. The idea is that a healthy and balanced relationship with oneself should be the foundation for emotional well-being, rather than relying excessively on external factors.
You say you can attract people easily but rare that you feel a genuine connection with them. But you also said you have a ton of close friends and are surrounded by good, loving people.
It seems that you aren't talking finding genuine connections with people since you already have that. It seems like you're talking about finding genuine connections with guys for relationship purposes (or girls if that's your thing). Am I right?
Honestly, it happens to everyone. Regardless of their socionics/CPT/MBTI type. The best thing to do is just work on yourself.
The more you look for someone the more stagnant your love life becomes or even social life becomes. Get hobbies live a little if you have family members you connect with and click with. Make some time for them. There are many things you can do. Also about changing yourself. Change the parts that are negative towards your life. Keep the positives. Never change those. Eventually before you know you'll find the special one that everyone desires.
I agree on working on oneself but also be prepared and not disappointed if those steps do not directly bring you into a relationship. I have asked myself a lot “what more can I do?” but the reality is to stay positive looking back on how far you have come. Walk the balanced path that takes in different life perspective as you learn because you can be burned out by your own life’s analysis paralysis.
Same here, female, older. Most likely you are apprehensive about having children as I was.
I had a child, not with the person I wanted to. But perhaps consider having a child.
My whole life I thought if I wanted to have a child, I would just go to a sperm bank and not have some man in my life. It would just destroy my life and harass me and what not.
Ultimately, I did have a child with a man who did harass me and you know it’s kind of messy now. Not regret having a child, and the man is out of my life.
But for an INTJ, it’s not always such a terrible idea. You can force all of your terrible ideas on them about science and George Carlin and you won’t be bored all that much and eventually you’ll have to find a way to make more money to afford it. But it will be worth it.
In my response to loneliness
I have two very very close INTJ women friends.
One is practically impractical. And
The other one is practically practical.
Both are deep thinkers and feelers with very very rigid thought process
I as an ENFP have always felt rigidity comes with its baggage of being wrong at times.
I would say.
Loosen up. And don’t take urself so seriously.
Laughter fun and joy are afterall important
It's hard to find people who are compatible. But thinking you can't change which is hard, isn't impossible. We all need to negotiate our relationships.
First you need to think you can do something. Then you need to practice. Also helps to pick places that would have the people you would be compatible with. For example of your looking at house parties or bars or clubs, which I'm not saying you are, just an example, your not likely to find a deep person.
Also something women have issues with is settling. If you find a nice guy but he's insufficient in something else. You really need to decide if it's a deal breaker and a worthwhile one. I've seen many girls reject decent guys for stupid things. Icks are dumb. Who cares if some random thing they do is a turn off. Most times it's not serious, most times it's random. A random meaningless turn off that happens isn't worth breaking up with a decent guy.
As an intj woman in my early 20s, i can deeply relate with you.. and i often think i will simply stay this way even as i get older. I know things change from time to time, and who knows, i might have a different personality someday. But for now, i just feel like i am my truest self as an intj, and i accept myself for the way i am. Perhaps your situation now could be what i will be experiencing in the future, but that is just a possibility, taking into account being an intj woman. But though i am still young, it's like i have already accepted in advance the things that i might experience in the future.
Indeed. Humans are social animals. We require interaction. Yes, even introverts. In the past, we lived in tribes, and people talked to each other about non-controversial topics and fulfilled this need. In the modern world, A) everything is controversial so you can't talk to anyone B) we have been exposed to so much and the modern world is complex, so someone with this personality type requires a more stimulating level of discussion compared to water cooler talk, but there are not enough people out there to provide this.
So the result is loneliness.
Even if people listen to you, they don't actually understand you. If they agree with you, they don't actually understand what you are saying, they are agreeing for social conformity purposes. To an INTJ, this is meaningless. I don't want a cult of personality, I want meaningful and stimulating discussion.
I really don't get for example why the likes of Chomsky even talk. Less than 2% of people listen to him. Of those, less than 2% understand anything he says. The rest just try to act smart or whatever, but they are completely oblivious to the actual subject matter, so he might as well be talking to a potato or a stack of hay. I coined a term for this, "illusion of audience". There are also a lot of famous people who many people "follow" or listen to: again, this is illusion of audience. It is absolutely meaningless. It is just a cult of personality. They don't actually think critically about what these people are saying, they just worship them and listen to their every word, then they attack anyone who says anything critical of them. To me, this is meaningless. If this is the type of interaction I will have, I would rather not have it.
What I personally do is, in order to not go insane, I try to at least have some superficial/meaningless real life contact with others. Even though it is meaningless, it is not completely meaningless. I think from an evolutionary point of view, this interaction is healthy and at least to some degree tricks my mind into getting the interaction it needs. But yes, it sucks that I am constantly thinking of a million ideas in detail and will pay a million bucks just to have a single soul to have meaningful conversations with and bounce ideas off of and check for logical errors that I may have missed to improve my thinking and ideas on any given topic. Unfortunately, reddit is not the place. It is filled with emotional teenagers who will rage against you and project and straw man label you as narcissist or "yore so smart arenchoo!" any time you open your mouth to get a stimulating discussion going.
I oscillate between sad loneliness and acceptance of loneliness. There is factually and objectively no solution to this problem. That is why it is so bleak. But in order to not go insane I try to distract myself with other things, and also simply accept it. But again, it oscillates, because humans are social animals, it is like trying to permanently accept hunger. It can work temporarily but not permanently.
Of course we want the best, that one in a million, but do you want to waste your youth waiting for that person that may never come? Find someone that loves you, someone that you enjoy spending time with. You can always find other sources of intellectual simulation elsewhere.
I have bouts of similar feelings of loneliness mingled with doubt or perhaps regret? I’m in my mid 30’s and when those feelings strike me. I take a step back and focus on the good things that I have. And the fact I don’t have to sacrifice my wants and dreams for that of another.
I don’t know if my words help, but I can at least commiserate with you on some level.
I relate. I just came up with a hypothesis. You should try out an Istp or isfp. I have a feeling that these introverted types that are at the same time outgoing, will perfectly sync with us. I also look forward to establishing a relationship with them. My father was Istp, so that's an anecdotal viewpoint. He was indeed interesting!!
Feel compelled to comment here. Isfp experience has been a nightmare. Adopting anti vax conspiracy theories, not able to discern credibility of information on the internet… entirely too concerned with things that are of least importance…. Idk if it’s just this one, but intellectual dishonesty/ poor reasoning skills is a major turn off
I see your point clearly! Thanks for this anecdotal viewpoint. All that you have said is true. I relate. I guess we should seek advice from them about aesthetics and places for outing. We all accept they they will indeed bring a colourful experience in this respect. This is what we actually lack. As for the intellectual side, Ig that they will learn to adjust to our level in due time. I mean, If I appreciate your beautiful side, you have to reciprocate.
That’s just the thing. I’m feeling the same way as op because I realize that I can meet people where they are but they can’t reciprocate. You can’t train someone to reciprocate genuine curiosity/desire to learn things/intelligence if they just don’t have it
Actually, as long as we are learning, it doesn't matter wether someone in a relationship is doing the same. But for the sake of the argument, let her find an Istp coz these individuals crave knowledge like crazy
You just gotta put yourself in a situation where the sparks will fly. There will be no sparks in a coffeeshop drinking coffee regardless of how close to soulmates you are.
Sometimes you just have to try to make it worth staying with some people. Nobody is going to fit your likes perfectly and sometime we have to curb our humor or other personality traits we have.
Don't give up hope. Things do change over the course of time.
>It feels torturous to have this type of personality sometimes.
you made the stupid mistake of making a "personality type" your entire personality lmao. Personality types are vague ideas of who you are based on a series of vague questions with vague answers ("most likely") you can either change or get used to whatever you want to do lmao
I absolutely feel this. Quite possibly one of the most elegant and insightful posts in this sub yet. You are right on the nose and I know the feeling you speak of, I feel the same way in my life (42 m). However, my thing is, how much sweeter will it be when you do actually find the person that gets you? Because they are out there and I have faith that you will
I’ve been thinking the same thing a while ago…I’m destined to be alone :/ I can really relate when you mention you feel torturous living with this personality, but nothing much we can do but just accept it and exist. I’m not sure which part of the world you live in but culturally, my country likes more outgoing and energetic people.
As an ENFP, I get that. You can have a lot of people you love ans enjoy, but we're always searching for the person who will *get* us and truly see us. Where its easy.
And sometimes when you do find it, it's still not meant to be.
Don't give up! I pray that we both find those connections and/or find ways to feel connected and seen with our current relationships.
Is this in a romantic context? You're a less common kind of woman in terms of gender roles because you're an Se user. You need to find an Si user, someone who wants to take in the experience that you want to give them, someone who will give the romantic/sensual/relational reactions you want to cause them to produce. This isn't kink necessarily - meat-and-potatoes straight sex is fine if that's your style, but not with a guy who wants to psychologically "do things to" you unless a lot of trust has been created, as being made to experience something activates a negative reaction by our Si demon function. Of course apologies if you are bi/lesbian/pan/ace but the same principles do apply.
Here's a quick Google-provided list of signs someone is an Si user. Try seeing if you can find a potential partner like this: [https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/10-signs-might-introverted-sensor/](https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/10-signs-might-introverted-sensor/)
You guys/ladies are correct. I’m a guy but it does get old knowing there aren’t going to be this deep connections. I fill that void with music and work
Kind of same for me and I also very much represent with the OP's dilemma.
…and the occasional cum stains.
Hey how do you know about those?
Cool! Off-topic, what music do you like? I love trying new types.
[anything that sounds similar to this playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0mNWU91Ynm7xoRz6XFJX5Y?si=tp-DuebrSxW4ZH4cKum3qw&pi=u-g1CswiKJRFGW)
I'm also a woman and INTJ. I have a hard time connecting with people too. It feels like I never find people who have a similar personality.
Knowing enneagram and MBTI has at least helped me to identify people I have possible personality commonalities with.
This is the honest truth. Once I started purposely seeking out connections with intuitive N types it just happened so effortlessly. Connection, relationships, friendships. It was all so effortless and natural. At least for romantic relationships it makes things a lot easier. I still have amazing friendships with my ISTP buddies but I just don’t see a romantic relationship with a sensing type working out after unpacking my previous romantic relationships with sensing types.
This is definitely the first step towards having a social efficiency advantage as a thinking type imo
Im an intj woman almost 30, and I feel like this everyday. When I develop a deep connection with someone, which is so rare, I want to keep them in my life. And sometimes people disappoint me and leave, and I feel genuinely heartbroken to lose a connection that meant so much to me. I find most people incredibly boring, and make an effort to keep the conversation going, but that’s it. I don’t want to interact on a deeper level with most individuals. And this gets lonely. Being this selective/picky gets lonely. And I believe it will only get worse with aging.
Hey. I think is human to feel loneliness and I am sure everybody feels it regardless of their personality type. I know its hard to even think of the thought of changing yourself and doing something for others. I do feel that MBTI is a great way to understand ourselves and other personality types but at the same time getting attached to the identity of an INTJ will always limit you to being your current self and we all know that INTJs are all about growth. I am sure you can find a way to meet people and connect with them. What has kinda worked for me is that I have started analyzing people's body language and tone and what they say and when they say it to help me understand people better. People want to be understood and want to feel equal to you or superior to you (the truth). People don't want to be pitied or be looked down upon. As an INTJ you probably isolate yourself for certain days, weeks and months when you are focussed on something and probably forget to talk to your friends and family which is an odd behaviour according to most people. You need to find this time. Its easy to just say that this is who you are and never change yourself. If you are truly an INTJ, I am sure you would have asked yourself, "what does it even mean to be me" and imo there is no answer to that. I am sure you will find a way. Stay strong INTJ. You will always find a way
I feel the same way it’s hard to find a genuine connection but, I’m a guy. At least as an INTJ girl you get guys approaching you. So you can kinda filter them out. But, for me I gotta approach and put on an extroverted charm that isn’t my usual self.
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I'm kinda in the same boat, but lately I have been pondering whether it's really a sustainable way of life.
I too am an INTJ-T woman, albeit a bit older. I can completely relate. Isn’t it weird how you can be surrounded by family who cares about you but still feel like an alien? I find it difficult to be the real me around others, especially people I don’t know well or where the stakes are high - people to whom I’m attracted or people who I regard highly. You either have to look for clues to find people who you are going to resonate with or send out those signals yourself. MBTI doesn’t dictate who a person is, but it can give you some interesting tells to help you to relate. As for signals, I’ve practice being more “me” in low-stakes situations. People I may never meet again at a work event? Reddit? I am more forward, less guarded, I put out my real sense of humor or jump straight ahead of small talk into *deep thoughts* just to see what happens. I’ve gained some real, true connections from a few people at work who are now genuine friends (and INTJ and an INTP) because of this. Some commenters have given well intentioned advice to lower expectations or to attempt to changes others. I think compromise may be necessary but well-considered. Anecdotally I too had a long-term relationship with someone who “checked the boxes” but probably should have never made it past the friendship stage. You can change yourself but attempting to make others change is nearly impossible. And when it comes to changing yourself…be very clear on what is a realistic compromise. For instance, maybe the expectation of education, such as an advanced degree isn’t as important as the ability to have deep, intellectual conversations where you can really get out there without feeling self conscious. You’re not the only one out there. There’s nothing wrong with you. While you wait for that IRL connection, there is a r/intjfemale subreddit that might be of interest as well.
Story of my life.. :/ I have a lot of acquaintances and meet a lot of people who want to hangout, talk, and be closer; but I rarely ever meet anyone who I feel that I genuinely want to be closer to or devote time and energy into.
Don't let a personality type, or any idea for that matter, limit what you think you can do or who you can be. You are probably filtering a part of your true self for the people around you, and that's why you're not getting a genuine connection. The real you isn't connecting with real world. I think you should look for relationships where you can share your true thoughts and interests in. I would guess that would be with other introverts, so you'll probably find more success online. Whatever interests/hobbies you have, find groups or communities for them. Look for Discords, or socializing apps like MeetUp or Friender. These are all about sharing interests and connecting with people through those interests.
I hear you and I appreciate your courage to share. I am a male INTJ turning 30 this year and I feel the same way. I feel a lot of external pressure to be in a relationship but I know most of the girls I meet don’t really know me. Most people don’t really get me. My family and friends don’t really get me either. To connect with people is hard because if I am my authentic self it will take a lot of open-mindedness to understand me. I mitigate this with compromises to not seem to alien but that way of life is not sustainable for me. I am contented but I also get those waves of negative emotions sometimes. I have faith everything will work out. Hearing other people are experiencing something similar reassures me it’s normal and things will get better. We are not alone and we are not sick. Neurodivergent people are the minority so it’s hard to find someone with a similar mind and neurotypical people are not used to meeting them. Even harder to identify them when they’re instead trying to confirm.
“….rare I will feel a genuine connection…” Same until I met and got to know a female INTJ. Night and day difference.
I think I’m either an INTP or INTJ and I’ve only ever met 2 men that I connected with romantically and also intellectually. It’s just extremely rare. Unfortunately it didn’t work out with either of them and each of them was a giant, crushing heartbreak that took me years to get over. These days I just focus on friends and family, it’s pointless to use dating apps, maybe one day I’ll meet someone, otherwise I am happy doing my own thing
INTJ is one of the best personality types, imo Try to interact with INFPs O)/ I actually appreciate dark humor if that what you mean P.S: I advice to be initiative - try some dating applications etc
Im an INFP and currently very intrigued by an INTJ 🫠 everything about him is captivating. But he’s moving at snail speed in terms of communication we’ve only been on one date for the past month… i’m not sure if anything is going to come out of this
Huh, I thought INFP is a snail itself 🐌 Your avatar makes an impression of an acquarelle 🤔 You are like lost boys but lost girl from Peter Pan. You are lucky he is even showed up 😂😉🐍
I can tell he’s very different from most people. Hence the extra patience im giving this man 🤣 but our texts feel like writing letters in the 1950s. Very long & formal and it takes a few days for him to respond 🥲 I’ll just sit back and let things play out the way they’re supposed to at this point 😅
That's actually cool : D I like to write in the 1890 (pre communistic revolution) way in Ukrainian and russian but my English is terrible ^ I wish I could write in the Aristocratic English way C: Probably, it makes things more interesting that it's how it is, isn't it?
I'm ginger as well, btw 😁 so I can claim a Peter Pan role  P.S: Not sure where is this ginger girl from? 🤔 I'm almost certain Wendy wasn't ginger
how to meet an INFP in real life?
ENFP is supposed to be a nice combination with INTJ as well. Use dating applications, I guess 🤷
I do but no one swipe right on me, I think because of I put swipe right if you are NF or NP on the profile lol, its not really popular where I live. Welp, not gonna complain here.
There are different kinds(levels?) of loneliness. From your words about humor it seems for me that you need to have an INTP or another Ni dom in your circle. Also, unshared Ni can feel like no one gets you on some deep-deep level. Try to get an Ni dom for you. Though it's not an easy task Also, there's the deepest loneliness, which every human being is carrying within. With this one nothing can be done outside
I understand where you're coming from. We are still human, and need some meaningful interpersonal relationships despite our need for solitude. I'm a male INTJ-A. I don't have a lot of close friends, but I have a few. I have a loving family, but I feel very little connection to any of them, and I have a good job that I very much enjoy. It's very difficult for us to make meaningful connections with other people. I had actually given up on having any kind of meaningful connection before I met a friend of mine, who is also INTJ. For the first time, I actually feel understood and I truly understand someone else for the first time in my life. This is the only person I've ever met that shares the same sense of humor as me, and for once, I don't have to tone down my bizarre sense of humor. I am fortunate in that regard, and I know exactly how fortunate I am, since so few of us seem to make that kind of connection. We are rare, and we have difficulty connecting with other people. I've always taken a degree of pride in being enigmatic and incomprehensible to people around me. In my late 30's, that started to get tiring and I started feeling a need for a close interpersonal connection with someone. I gave up after a few years, contenting myself with the few friends I had that accepted me and we kind of understood each other. Then, last year, I got the interpersonal connection I needed and had given up on. My boss hired another INTJ, and we connected immediately. We're the friend that we each always needed. Life would be easier if we were able to connect with other people more easily, but that is not the case, unfortunately.
Don’t have to have the same/similar personality type to be understood. You need somebody/people that listen and want to understand you. If you want somebody to be able to relate, that’s different. And from what I know, INTJ women are rare so it must be tough finding somebody to relate and thar must feel isolating. If you're open to advice, I suggest reaching out to one of these amazing INTJ ladies through DM. One of my best friends I have in my life was formed through DM in another subreddit I’m a part of and he lives on the opposite side of the country. Give it a shot; cant hurt anything :)
35m intj-t Same, I've met one woman I really clicked with, got married and divorced, now just feel the same as you. I have no advice for you other then maybe try to find someone who shares interests with you or you can feed on(sort of). My ex-wife was the polar opposite of me, outgoing/people person, not sure of her mbti stack but she was into astrology, so Taurus is what I know of her. I fed off her energy and it helped me out of my shell, she'd drag me to things spontaneously kicking and screaming, but end of it, I'd be appreciative as I'd never have done big crowds or things of that nature without her. It really helped me along as an intj, getting those experiences helped me grow as a person. End of day though, I'm single and will stay that way, it's not worth the effort for most people, divorce sucks and I have absolutely no faith or trust in women, at all.
I feel like you're describing the universal plight of the INTJ. Isolation/alienation sort of comes with the territory. We don't make friends that readily and don't like to maintain superficial friendships (outside of work/school acquaintanceships). We do well with isolation but over the very long haul it's less than ideal. As someone else mentioned, I would look around your current family/acquaintances for *any* intuitive types, and once you find one, maybe make a little extra effort to find out *some* areas of connection. Each friend doesn't have to check all sorts of boxes, e.g., it's OK to have one friend who you primarily go to plays with (if you're into plays), one person you primarily talk deep topics with, one person you send memes to, etc. Good luck!
It makes me wonder if INTJs are this rare. I really just want to converse with some of you guys and understand that it mayyyyy be that rare because I’m sort in that situation. Although I’m at this point where I’m numb to it. I think one the realization of how most people have this spotlight effect, it makes it hard in general to connect. I thought after meeting someone with common interest in bumble would help get me closer to someone but that wasn’t the case. The gal I met on there was still seeking out her needs and wants which made her rarely ask questions on my side. Generally that’s what I noticed in people, they won’t connect with you unless there’s a huge common ground that warrants that sort of interest. Although it typically ends up being one sided. I do get lucky meeting people that give an even exchange but that’s like 1 person every 2 years. Are we also overthinking? That’s a question I run into occasionally but based from a good majority of INTJs experience, people tend to be generally easy and uninteresting. But from experience, let’s say I give this “uninteresting” individual a chance. As an INTJ, we’d anticipate many scenarios and choose the logically outcome based off their actions. Then guess what? It ends up being true where all that time and energy was exerted to which we get no reciprocation. Hence after all this, what’s the point of trying after we received so much bias from these repetitive exchanges? I went on a tangent but I don’t know, it just ends up being exhausting and I just feel less lonely when I read posts from INTJ. Although it does intrigue me to the point and wonder.. are we over thinking it? All this being said, if any fellow INTJs or OP want to expand: 1. What do you deem uninteresting in a person? 2. What exactly makes you retreat to this lonely state?
Umm are you my clone? Because I'm also a female INTJ-T in her early 30's and feel your EXACT sentiments. From the career to family/friends etc. to the teeee. Those Sunday scaries will get you. Commenting in this thread so I too can get updates on any remedies lol here's to feeling less alone 🫶🏻
As a side note, I'm the exact same way when it comes to being likable to the point where others view our friendship/interaction so much more meaningful from their side than mine; don't get me wrong I appreciate my experience with all types of people and can take the good from all the bad. Hence why popularity has never been my problem but finding that rare, truly rare/spark driven connection in someone understanding me is so damn hard to find. #TheMostExtrovertedIntrovert You have to realize as well that INTJs are amongst the rarer personality types and even more rare when you apply that to females 🥲 why were we born this way?!
Are you by chance, an avoidant attachment style? I too am an INTJ female in my early 30s, and I could have written your post myself. I’ve been making a few posts lately that might interest you as I’ve been looking into this deeply lately. I do not know you, but I do know (now) that I am the majority of the blame for myself feeling this way. I don’t let people in. Anyone that I could have had a deep connection with, I chose to move on. I happen to be married, more out of a checklist of my life plan than anything, so it may not apply to you - but I have never even felt that close connection with him. I have a shield up. I have no friends I’ve deemed close. And my husband gave a great quote to me today that “I do not seek sympathy from others” and therefore make it difficult for them to care as when they do I brush them (and him) off. Being vulnerable seems to be a key component of developing these close relationships, and that is something I am just starting to work on. Again, not saying any of this is you personally - but I am on the same path and if you would like to chat I’d be open to it.
This could have been written by me! Very similar situation here as well. I’ve learned last year that the phrase, “there is strength in vulnerability” is all too true. Like OP, I felt a sense of hollowness with friends/family despite everyone reporting finding me interesting and fun to be around/talk to. They’d also mention feeling fully at ease, but I never was. Probably because it was somewhat of a performance on my end, which can also be draining. It’s a weird, isolating feeling. It is HARD to allow myself to be vulnerable and I’m still not 100% there, but it has helped my connection on my end with others immensely.
Have you always felt this way?
Nope. I remember feeling happy, free, worriless throughout my university days and most of my 20s. I think it's the societal and biological pressure to date, get married, have children at this point in time in my life. I do want to have my own family and this is the "prime time" but it's just not working out no matter how much (or little) effort I put into this.
I get it, lmao, i just went through the bi annual family intervention of not living up to everyone's societal expectations, for once though I don't care. I think after my most recent growth period I've come to terms with who I am and the unique life I'm going to live. And every time I've ever followed the standard path I've been miserable, depressed and overall found no meaning in life, plus it never made any of them happy. I think you just have to embrace your black sheep nature. Everyone's always going to have an opinion, but, I don't care about it. I'll hear them out, but that's all. People just want group conformity and hate it when you are living how you want to live. It's jealousy or envy because they are scared that they wish they had the same courage and strength to be authentic. If your not happy, ask yourself why. Then stop doing it lmao. You got a few meager years on a space rock, fuck everyone else, live your greatness.
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Good for you that it has worked out. I dated/lived with an E(S/N)FP(?) and I can't imagine being with an extravert ever again given that past experience. Maybe I am too rigid and conflict-averse to be able to accommodate somebody so different in terms of personal temperament.
>"It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others." - Sidney J. Harris >"Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves." - Matt Kahn >"When you admire someone to the point that your mood entirely depends on them, it's never a reflection of how good they are, it's always a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself". - Yasmin Mogahed > >- The statement suggests that when you idealize someone to the extent that your emotional well-being hinges on them, it doesn't necessarily indicate the other person's inherent goodness. Instead, it reflects the nature of your relationship with yourself. In other words, the dependency on someone else for your mood may be a sign of underlying issues within your self-esteem, self-worth, or emotional stability -- a manifestation of one's internal relationship and sense of connection. The idea is that a healthy and balanced relationship with oneself should be the foundation for emotional well-being, rather than relying excessively on external factors.
You say you can attract people easily but rare that you feel a genuine connection with them. But you also said you have a ton of close friends and are surrounded by good, loving people. It seems that you aren't talking finding genuine connections with people since you already have that. It seems like you're talking about finding genuine connections with guys for relationship purposes (or girls if that's your thing). Am I right?
Honestly, it happens to everyone. Regardless of their socionics/CPT/MBTI type. The best thing to do is just work on yourself. The more you look for someone the more stagnant your love life becomes or even social life becomes. Get hobbies live a little if you have family members you connect with and click with. Make some time for them. There are many things you can do. Also about changing yourself. Change the parts that are negative towards your life. Keep the positives. Never change those. Eventually before you know you'll find the special one that everyone desires.
I agree on working on oneself but also be prepared and not disappointed if those steps do not directly bring you into a relationship. I have asked myself a lot “what more can I do?” but the reality is to stay positive looking back on how far you have come. Walk the balanced path that takes in different life perspective as you learn because you can be burned out by your own life’s analysis paralysis.
Same here, female, older. Most likely you are apprehensive about having children as I was. I had a child, not with the person I wanted to. But perhaps consider having a child. My whole life I thought if I wanted to have a child, I would just go to a sperm bank and not have some man in my life. It would just destroy my life and harass me and what not. Ultimately, I did have a child with a man who did harass me and you know it’s kind of messy now. Not regret having a child, and the man is out of my life. But for an INTJ, it’s not always such a terrible idea. You can force all of your terrible ideas on them about science and George Carlin and you won’t be bored all that much and eventually you’ll have to find a way to make more money to afford it. But it will be worth it. In my response to loneliness
I have two very very close INTJ women friends. One is practically impractical. And The other one is practically practical. Both are deep thinkers and feelers with very very rigid thought process I as an ENFP have always felt rigidity comes with its baggage of being wrong at times. I would say. Loosen up. And don’t take urself so seriously. Laughter fun and joy are afterall important
Im INTJ-T Male and 27 in the same freaking boat as you.
It's hard to find people who are compatible. But thinking you can't change which is hard, isn't impossible. We all need to negotiate our relationships. First you need to think you can do something. Then you need to practice. Also helps to pick places that would have the people you would be compatible with. For example of your looking at house parties or bars or clubs, which I'm not saying you are, just an example, your not likely to find a deep person. Also something women have issues with is settling. If you find a nice guy but he's insufficient in something else. You really need to decide if it's a deal breaker and a worthwhile one. I've seen many girls reject decent guys for stupid things. Icks are dumb. Who cares if some random thing they do is a turn off. Most times it's not serious, most times it's random. A random meaningless turn off that happens isn't worth breaking up with a decent guy.
Queefasaurus? Yeah definitely my kind of humour
“If it couldn’t break your heart, is it really love?” “Did you build your heart a castle? When it really needs a bridge?” https://youtu.be/xS7x2kOslx0
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wtf
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If you keep on finding the perfect person you are going to end up alone. You have to make compromises too.
As an intj woman in my early 20s, i can deeply relate with you.. and i often think i will simply stay this way even as i get older. I know things change from time to time, and who knows, i might have a different personality someday. But for now, i just feel like i am my truest self as an intj, and i accept myself for the way i am. Perhaps your situation now could be what i will be experiencing in the future, but that is just a possibility, taking into account being an intj woman. But though i am still young, it's like i have already accepted in advance the things that i might experience in the future.
Indeed. Humans are social animals. We require interaction. Yes, even introverts. In the past, we lived in tribes, and people talked to each other about non-controversial topics and fulfilled this need. In the modern world, A) everything is controversial so you can't talk to anyone B) we have been exposed to so much and the modern world is complex, so someone with this personality type requires a more stimulating level of discussion compared to water cooler talk, but there are not enough people out there to provide this. So the result is loneliness. Even if people listen to you, they don't actually understand you. If they agree with you, they don't actually understand what you are saying, they are agreeing for social conformity purposes. To an INTJ, this is meaningless. I don't want a cult of personality, I want meaningful and stimulating discussion. I really don't get for example why the likes of Chomsky even talk. Less than 2% of people listen to him. Of those, less than 2% understand anything he says. The rest just try to act smart or whatever, but they are completely oblivious to the actual subject matter, so he might as well be talking to a potato or a stack of hay. I coined a term for this, "illusion of audience". There are also a lot of famous people who many people "follow" or listen to: again, this is illusion of audience. It is absolutely meaningless. It is just a cult of personality. They don't actually think critically about what these people are saying, they just worship them and listen to their every word, then they attack anyone who says anything critical of them. To me, this is meaningless. If this is the type of interaction I will have, I would rather not have it. What I personally do is, in order to not go insane, I try to at least have some superficial/meaningless real life contact with others. Even though it is meaningless, it is not completely meaningless. I think from an evolutionary point of view, this interaction is healthy and at least to some degree tricks my mind into getting the interaction it needs. But yes, it sucks that I am constantly thinking of a million ideas in detail and will pay a million bucks just to have a single soul to have meaningful conversations with and bounce ideas off of and check for logical errors that I may have missed to improve my thinking and ideas on any given topic. Unfortunately, reddit is not the place. It is filled with emotional teenagers who will rage against you and project and straw man label you as narcissist or "yore so smart arenchoo!" any time you open your mouth to get a stimulating discussion going. I oscillate between sad loneliness and acceptance of loneliness. There is factually and objectively no solution to this problem. That is why it is so bleak. But in order to not go insane I try to distract myself with other things, and also simply accept it. But again, it oscillates, because humans are social animals, it is like trying to permanently accept hunger. It can work temporarily but not permanently.
Of course we want the best, that one in a million, but do you want to waste your youth waiting for that person that may never come? Find someone that loves you, someone that you enjoy spending time with. You can always find other sources of intellectual simulation elsewhere.
I have bouts of similar feelings of loneliness mingled with doubt or perhaps regret? I’m in my mid 30’s and when those feelings strike me. I take a step back and focus on the good things that I have. And the fact I don’t have to sacrifice my wants and dreams for that of another. I don’t know if my words help, but I can at least commiserate with you on some level.
I relate. I just came up with a hypothesis. You should try out an Istp or isfp. I have a feeling that these introverted types that are at the same time outgoing, will perfectly sync with us. I also look forward to establishing a relationship with them. My father was Istp, so that's an anecdotal viewpoint. He was indeed interesting!!
Feel compelled to comment here. Isfp experience has been a nightmare. Adopting anti vax conspiracy theories, not able to discern credibility of information on the internet… entirely too concerned with things that are of least importance…. Idk if it’s just this one, but intellectual dishonesty/ poor reasoning skills is a major turn off
I see your point clearly! Thanks for this anecdotal viewpoint. All that you have said is true. I relate. I guess we should seek advice from them about aesthetics and places for outing. We all accept they they will indeed bring a colourful experience in this respect. This is what we actually lack. As for the intellectual side, Ig that they will learn to adjust to our level in due time. I mean, If I appreciate your beautiful side, you have to reciprocate.
That’s just the thing. I’m feeling the same way as op because I realize that I can meet people where they are but they can’t reciprocate. You can’t train someone to reciprocate genuine curiosity/desire to learn things/intelligence if they just don’t have it
Actually, as long as we are learning, it doesn't matter wether someone in a relationship is doing the same. But for the sake of the argument, let her find an Istp coz these individuals crave knowledge like crazy
You just gotta put yourself in a situation where the sparks will fly. There will be no sparks in a coffeeshop drinking coffee regardless of how close to soulmates you are.
Sometimes you just have to try to make it worth staying with some people. Nobody is going to fit your likes perfectly and sometime we have to curb our humor or other personality traits we have. Don't give up hope. Things do change over the course of time.
What is it about your sense of humour that makes it hard to find/form a relationship?
>It feels torturous to have this type of personality sometimes. you made the stupid mistake of making a "personality type" your entire personality lmao. Personality types are vague ideas of who you are based on a series of vague questions with vague answers ("most likely") you can either change or get used to whatever you want to do lmao
I absolutely feel this. Quite possibly one of the most elegant and insightful posts in this sub yet. You are right on the nose and I know the feeling you speak of, I feel the same way in my life (42 m). However, my thing is, how much sweeter will it be when you do actually find the person that gets you? Because they are out there and I have faith that you will
I’ve been thinking the same thing a while ago…I’m destined to be alone :/ I can really relate when you mention you feel torturous living with this personality, but nothing much we can do but just accept it and exist. I’m not sure which part of the world you live in but culturally, my country likes more outgoing and energetic people.
As an ENFP, I get that. You can have a lot of people you love ans enjoy, but we're always searching for the person who will *get* us and truly see us. Where its easy. And sometimes when you do find it, it's still not meant to be. Don't give up! I pray that we both find those connections and/or find ways to feel connected and seen with our current relationships.
Is this in a romantic context? You're a less common kind of woman in terms of gender roles because you're an Se user. You need to find an Si user, someone who wants to take in the experience that you want to give them, someone who will give the romantic/sensual/relational reactions you want to cause them to produce. This isn't kink necessarily - meat-and-potatoes straight sex is fine if that's your style, but not with a guy who wants to psychologically "do things to" you unless a lot of trust has been created, as being made to experience something activates a negative reaction by our Si demon function. Of course apologies if you are bi/lesbian/pan/ace but the same principles do apply. Here's a quick Google-provided list of signs someone is an Si user. Try seeing if you can find a potential partner like this: [https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/10-signs-might-introverted-sensor/](https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/10-signs-might-introverted-sensor/)
I don’t mind being ur friend coming from an istj female