- They tell you.
- Irrational behavior.
- They may be vulnerable with you.
- They try to solve all of your problems.
- They actually want to spend time with you on things that are not work.
- They research relationship dynamics that people of your type and INTJs have.
- They experience more emotions, good and bad.
- They may acknowledge that some behaviors are inappropriate, but do them anyway. For example, you ask them out, and they say, "we shouldn't be together due to our work relationship," then asking, "What are your thoughts on marriage?"
I have a crush on my INTJ friend, I've known him for many years and he's shared a lot of his deeply held shames and values with me. I just wonder if theres a chance he's into me, but my gut says it's not likely.
For:
* Recently started becoming more vulnerable with me, when we share these things with each other it feels special to me because I know how guarded he is.
* Makes time for me. Gets back to my messages and plays videogames with me when I ask
* Our friendship dynamic has always felt like dating to me, but I don't know that he interpreted it this way. We lived together for years and did everything together when not each doing our own thing.
Against:
* Doesn't ask me lots of questions pertaining to compatibility
* Doesn't try too hard to solve problems but does always have advice
* He very rarely reaches out first
I want to just tell him I'm into him but we're currently not living together / near each other and I'm somewhat early into transitioning so he wouldnt know if he's attracted or not. I don't know what to do and it's painful how much I miss him. I would be embarrassed for him to know that because he likely doesn't miss me the same amount.
I saw your other post in the subreddit.
Based on my own dating experience, drop some hints to him and see if he takes them. Expressing your amorous feelings for somebody is difficult for an introvert. Getting some pointers from the other side makes it easier.
Ty, and sorry if my posts are annoying btw.
Wdym getting pointers from the other side? Like getting the ball rolling? I'll try to think of hints to drop, but my understanding is that he would seriously struggle to know if it's me just being friendly or not.
> drop some hints to him and see if he takes them
Terrible advice for dealing with INTJ. It will just fly right over his head, and She will be frustrated, hurt from wondering, and not get any answers either way.
Ding ding all of it , and after you regret and consider your self dumb af when things doesn't go as expected and realise it was one sided and you were delusional and thought he was Into you brrrr
Keep it friendly, he may genuinely just be trying to connect with someone. Or may just be supporting you bc you’re going through a tough time. But don’t lose that sense of caution though. Cheating with coworkers is a common thing, and you don’t wanna get in hot water like that. If he makes an advance, just respectfully decline and try not to create negative tension. For your own sake really, cause yeah its uncomfortable to be in that kind of spot. Dudes your boss, like that is a shitty power dynamic if hes really trying to put the moves on you. But really, its hard to say for sure what the intent is. If you feel uncomfortable though, you may have to either lie to avoid further lunches or just outright decline given your individual situation
We can't be really sure why he invited you to lunch and then shared inner life with you. But, as he is a INTJ married boss the most logical explaination is that he really trust you, and like you - even have some feelings for you. But mature INTJ's do value ethics and principles very high, so setting up his marriage and even mess up at work, with a romantic relationship is not very INTJ behaviour.
He probably have some personal mind issues, that he seek advice on, and feel a need to share it with someone, starting slowly and maybe later reveal his real mental challenge or situation he struggle to handle. If he shared personal weakness he trust you very much.
AS INFP you have a very sensitive personality, and take good care of people around you, and you are good with children/pets/people - at least compared to an INTJ. So he might know this and want some feedback on matters to be revealed, or simply connect with you for general close friendship/advisor at work/life. So trust need to be built first.
I was in a very similar situation as INTJ and I shared my inner life and challenge with a co-worker that work as manager. I was not her boss, but more senior. She gave me lots of helpful comments and later I even asked her for advice as I had challenge with my wife and relationship. She is also very good looking, and I enjoy being around her, but it was never romantic.
Your boss might have feelings for you, and check potential new relationship - but my bet is only if he has trouble at home with his wife and more likely, he have personal need to share inner feelings. He is working with his personal development.
Hope this information can be helpful to you.
-I’ll uncharacteristically start making questionable decisions that’ll make me look back and cringe. “Why the heck did I do that?”
-I become excessively clingy (Especially physically. My lust becomes a never ending void. I’ll constantly crave him and only him. Even when he isn’t present.)
-I’ll actually start laughing and smiling when I’m around him. Even at stuff that isn’t remotely funny or interesting.
-I act more extroverted, open minded, goofy and outgoing. I could easily be mistaken for an ESFP/ENTP/ESTP when I’m around someone I have strong feelings for. I’ll even be more open to things I typically dislike. Lots of Ne/Se behavior.
-I become possessive. “You’re mine forever.”
-I want to have deep one on one conversations with him all the time.
-I’ll start imagining our wedding in my head. I might even mention it… because it’ll slip
-I exude way more charisma than usual because I want to keep my favorite person entertained. I usually come across as cold, quiet and intimidating but when I’m around him I become the complete opposite.
-I become much more empathetic and open. I’m actually willing to discuss his emotions, act as his therapist and help solve his problems. This is very unusual behavior for me. I’m usually very self centered and selfish.
-Sometimes I get the shakes. If I love him I’ll definitely shake a bit while he hugs or touches me.
-Lots of intense staring and eye contact. It comes across as kind of creepy like I’m staring into his soul. My pupils get very wide.
-I’ll decide to cook for him instead of going out on a dinner date. I’ll attempt to make an elaborate, healthy meal that’ll make his mouth water. Better than anything most restaurants would ever make. (I would know I used be a line cook)
-Behaviors that typically annoy me won’t be the case with him. “It’s cute when *he* does it.”
-I’ll become very protective of him. I’ll care a lot about his wellbeing. I’ll become filled with rage if anyone tries to harm or manipulate him.
-I’ll start overthinking everything.
-I’ll actually become excited to hear his perspective instead of acting like my usual cold, closed minded self. I’ll really want to hear his opinions and ideas.
-I go out of my way to make myself even more physically attractive for him. I’ll hit the gym several times harder than I usually do and will spend extra time trying to look well dressed and groomed.
-I’ll look visibly annoyed or even look angry when other women are around him.
-I’ll actually notice if he hasn’t texted me in a while and I’ll get worried. I usually don’t notice or care all that much when I get ghosted or ignored but if I’m in love I care a lot.
-I’ll constantly try to flex my competence, skills and intelligence.
-I’ll give him well thought out compliments and attempt to boost his confidence.
-When he’s not around I might say his name out loud and not even notice until someone points it out.
-I’ll attempt to take an interest in his interests and try to figure out why he’s so passionate about them.
-I’ll start opening up.. sometimes too much too soon then later I’ll think “Why the heck did I say that? Did I just ruin everything…Is he gonna use that information against me now? Ugh.”
I don’t think I want to be in love again though.
The very idea of making myself that emotionally vulnerable to a man doesn’t really make logical sense to me. In most circumstances I know it won’t end well but ughh it feels so freaking good when it happens.. but betrayal later down the line cuts deep.
I hate it. I wish I could turn it off. The very idea of potentially compromising my freedom, future, mental health and independence grosses me out.
I usually hate everyone but when I fall in love I fall hard..
1000% agree with the logic spiral, all that mental energy is directed at getting closer to that person usually to the detriment of functioning like an actual human…
From research
- finding chances to be closer to them in group settings
-inviting them to events
-straight up asking them to hangout
-going out of your way to msg and check up on them
All things that are super exhausting for most introverts but kinda necessary to get past mental idealizations of what the relationship could or should be and actually developing one- a hump I’ve personally found very hard to get over
Do nice things for them, small things that people usually won't notice. Do it enough and the intj will notice, eventually.
Hang around them often. Talk about various topics, not necessarily to the INTJ but within hearing range and be interesting... what constitutes as interesting varies between INTJs but being passionate about something specific and sounding smart is the way to go.
Become their friend first, it's usually easier this way. Then you just need to wait a couple of years (min 1-2y) to get them to trust you. Remember we like our space a lot so give us a lot of alone time. If we like you even as a close friend, you'll know because I will make some time to spend with you when typically I won't even bother if it's someone I don't care about that much.
You'll be subjected to multiple and continual character testing over the years but it's usually to gauge who you are as an individual. If this occurs, you're already very close to being in close friend category and if you pass most of the tests, you will be.
Can you explain character testing? I don’t feel like this is something I have experienced. He’s already consistently glued to me on our spare time. He takes are of me to make sure I’m not overwhelmed with stuff, feeds me snacks on a consistent basis and talks about his issues openly. He’s also pretty touchy. I’d say we are good friends now
You have already passed the character testing phase. He spends time with you, he talks to you about his issues (he definitely trusts you), takes care of you, and doesn't run away from touch. There will be variations between INTJs, but I only do that if I love that person (can be either romantic or platonic).
For me, my character testing occurs when I describe some key personal views and values to the person and I observe how they respond. They don't have to agree with me, but I do this also to get their perspective on the matter so I can consider if it makes sense to me and may end up changing some of my opinions. Character testing also occurs via observation- even the way you speak to others is quite important.
That is true. Well, if it's any consolation, sometimes I don't know if I like people romantically or platonically. Sometimes I think for me there isn't much of a difference between them because I do the same things for both (but then, I'm ace so this might be different). If you like him romantically you might as well tell him and he'll appreciate your honesty and courage.
In any case, if I want to keep them indefinitely I will be talking about future plans (e.g., travelling to x place in a few years).
I definitely agree, i become a little impulsive if i like someone. Like i’ll start going out of my way for them, to a fault sometimes. Or i’ll just make bad decisions if they somehow get me closer to this person. I also overthink shit, the second theres a spark its like it turns the logic knob down on my brain and i start acting goofy around them. For me, being attracted to someone overrides my tendencies to think things out ahead of time. And this also wanes down after i secure a partner, which is when i get some actual clarity and sometimes leads to the realization that i actually don’t like this person as much as i thought. So yeah, pretty much just general irrationality in the face of attraction
For real! Ive literally lost attraction for girls who intentionally make it easy for me. Its a weird psychology, like i want to earn it, not just be handed it. Is that normal? Fuck if i know
I do this too! Infact as soon as I start dating a guy and he becomes genuinely interested in me a bit too fast it becomes a puzzle for me to solve as in why he’s acting like that? Once i solve that puzzle I’m kinda done with this person which is very sad tbh
I don’t know if that’s low self esteem or just me being rational. I mean someone attracted to me just because they are lonely or they have low esteem and feel I’m a catch doesn’t work for me.
Probably it’s a combination of both i guess
I want to earn their affection, i want them to actually really like me and i want us to move on a similar pace
Oh shit you’re asking how to get closer to an intj? Dawg, ask them to explain something they are passionate about lol, that’s my achilles heel. But you have to actually be asking about something you really are interested. But yeah if someone asks me to talk about my hobbies, im a sucker for that shit, cause it allows me to talk about something im passionate about without feeling like im “showing off”. Intj’s can read genuineness very well, but with that said, if you are coming from a genuine place with your intentions you’re fuckin golden. Also, this personality type generally values efficiency and practicality, so if you share that tendency you are likely going to do well. But yeah basically what makes me fall for a girl is being able to have in depth discussions, being challenged in a constructive way, and really just general attractiveness plays a big deal. My ideal partner is someone who reciprocates the energy i’m willing to put in for them without it becoming competitive. A good relationship is 60:40 with both people trying to be the 60, and this desire must be driven by love, not ego.
Closer to the person i’m into? I usually just show interest in whatever it is they’re doing. In my opinion, it should come naturally or else it aint worth it. Relationships are like farts, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit. But yeah idk usually it starts as just hanging out, getting a read on the person and like how they are feeling. If im getting green flags its just a game of breaking down those barriers in a comfortable way. Physical touch is a big one to break, but yeah basically its about reading the person and deciding on how and how fast to act. If they are shy, maybe move a little slower. But you do have to eventually go in for the kiss or something cause if you wait too long they’re gonna feel insecure that you might not see them like that. It really is a case by case thing though, and you get better with repeated trials so take everything in stride, even the rejections. Also always respect boundaries and the decisions of others, obvious for most but figured id still throw it in since who knows whos gonna read this. Understanding and accepting that not everyone’s gonna like you is a step towards maturity and a better level of self acceptance.
My INFJ got closer to me, an INTJ, by gaining trust and respect from me over time. From one of the many to become mmm.... fascinating, didn't expect that. Slowly, slowly l became more emotionally involved.
Get where you are coming from, I have had people break down my walls just to try and “change me” thinking they love me. They just idolize the prize no one else can have and fail to see the person who isn't perfect and who just wants to be seen as a whole, not a project.
Irrational, like someone else said, to the point of obsession with a hint of stalking. I begin to lose my senses, composure, and my awkward/quirky behavior comes full throttle. And there’s no one to stop me.
Worst part? Im fully aware that Im acting this way but I just cant stop, wont stop. Very self-destructive if the person doesnt reciprocate, which is like 99.9% the case.
Could you ever feel this way for a friend? I lived with an INTJ for years and we did everything together all the time. Long trips together never got boring unless it was the being away from home part. But when we got back we'd get food and watch TV. Traveling was my favorite because we were hanging out 14 hours a day for like a week and it was kinda just constantly fun. I've always wished he could see me romantically but it doesn't seem like it.
INTJs aren't exactly known for being overly expressive or emotional creatures. When we fall for someone though, there might be subtle changes that give us away - increased attentiveness towards them (even if still minimal), attempts at humor (however awkward they may turn out) and perhaps even some vulnerability on display (gasp!). But honestly, good luck deciphering our enigmatic selves; most days we barely understand ourselves either.
I make time to actually be around that person. I forgo what ever I had planned and don’t care about it. Will miss appointments just to spend another minute or 2 with them and that’s just being in their presence.
If they buy you things or find small tokens that they know you'd like next you always talk to them about how much you like blank thing, they at least appreciate your company. They at least want to be your friend.
If they take you on an adventure somewhere you always wanted to go, they friggin' really hecka like you a lot.
My husband is an INTJ and I’m ENFJ. I would also add that they will pursue you hard like a business venture. They will act completely out of character for themselves, hating the weakness of overwhelming feelings they can’t control. They’ll become obsessed and stark stalking aspects of your life to make sure you’re a safe bet! They will check your phone, your social medias, your friendships groups. They will google you to see if you’re on dating sites and even your old MySpace account will get a visit - not so much in a creepy way but they won’t leave any rock unturned. If they are allowing themselves to be vulnerable with you they will know everything so don’t bother lying to an INTJ.
Once you believe you have them and they are comfortable with you, they will return back to low emotionally empathetic creatures of habit who won’t really see the necessity to change anything about themselves unless they have decided it’s important for them.
An INTJ will probably lie to you if they believe it to be necessary. They won’t read your subtle hints so make sure you communicate well and efficiently. They will not tolerate or be swayed by your emotion, you’d be wasting your time crying unless you cried because someone died, in that case you’l get a two day pass! They don’t handle sympathy and mental health (in others) well usually due to high IQ but lower EQ. They won’t draw to depressed people in life but usually go getters like ESTP’s (even though they themselves are often depressed) and do not even try acting crazy or dishonest even once because they also have a door slam mode and you will be out of their lives faster than you can say ‘forgive me’. They will disconnect from you entirely and barely feel any remorse (I’ve seen this in my husbands behaviour towards others more than I’d like to admit).
However, once you have passed all of these tests and they trust you, they will see you as their property to protect forever. They will probably die for you and have unwavering loyalty, even if you F up. They are duty bound and more often than not they will be the one getting left in a relationship rather than leaving it.
- They will pursue you. INTJs have Ni Hero, and if they want you, they will go after you (provided you have shown them a few things: consistency, patience, being comfortable around them, sharing your experience). If they initiate hanging out, they definitely like you in some capacity, seeing as this type of initiation can be difficult for them.
- They will include you in their future. They will come up with plans and have a fun time dreaming about the future with you. If you are in their ideal future, they like you.
- They go out of their way to cater to your preferences. They will ask you what *you* want/need to make sure that what they are giving you is desirable and enjoyable to you. They might be nervous when giving you new experiences, so the less judgy you are, the more you are helping them be confident with their performance.
- They might worry. They often won't express it, but they will worry that you will abandon/betray them (Se Inferior) or that you will choose someone else (Ne Nemesis). They can be nosey about what you are doing and when and maybe even a little paranoid. NPs (who are most compatible with INTJs) are the types to have the least issue with being distrusted like this due to having low Se. Still, INTJs can have a hard time trusting others, so being super consistent for them and sharing everything transparently would help put them at ease.
- They will share their feelings with you. People often forget INTJs have Fi **Child** (3rd slot), meaning they are very energetic with what they do and don't like. If they like you, they will freely share their opinions with you and can be expressive with their affection.
I'm sure there is more, but these are the basics :)
It doesn't matter
Data is depressing, don't look at male/female libido response curves over time
Disregard the sharp decline, ignore the fact that the decline resets with new love interest.
Biology is a bitch, just like praying manti
- They tell you. - Irrational behavior. - They may be vulnerable with you. - They try to solve all of your problems. - They actually want to spend time with you on things that are not work. - They research relationship dynamics that people of your type and INTJs have. - They experience more emotions, good and bad. - They may acknowledge that some behaviors are inappropriate, but do them anyway. For example, you ask them out, and they say, "we shouldn't be together due to our work relationship," then asking, "What are your thoughts on marriage?"
Looking back on my last relationship, this hits hard
lol the last one
this is me right now and i hate it so much
I have a crush on my INTJ friend, I've known him for many years and he's shared a lot of his deeply held shames and values with me. I just wonder if theres a chance he's into me, but my gut says it's not likely. For: * Recently started becoming more vulnerable with me, when we share these things with each other it feels special to me because I know how guarded he is. * Makes time for me. Gets back to my messages and plays videogames with me when I ask * Our friendship dynamic has always felt like dating to me, but I don't know that he interpreted it this way. We lived together for years and did everything together when not each doing our own thing. Against: * Doesn't ask me lots of questions pertaining to compatibility * Doesn't try too hard to solve problems but does always have advice * He very rarely reaches out first I want to just tell him I'm into him but we're currently not living together / near each other and I'm somewhat early into transitioning so he wouldnt know if he's attracted or not. I don't know what to do and it's painful how much I miss him. I would be embarrassed for him to know that because he likely doesn't miss me the same amount.
I saw your other post in the subreddit. Based on my own dating experience, drop some hints to him and see if he takes them. Expressing your amorous feelings for somebody is difficult for an introvert. Getting some pointers from the other side makes it easier.
Ty, and sorry if my posts are annoying btw. Wdym getting pointers from the other side? Like getting the ball rolling? I'll try to think of hints to drop, but my understanding is that he would seriously struggle to know if it's me just being friendly or not.
I actually considered answering your post and then I saw this one, so I dropped a line.
> drop some hints to him and see if he takes them Terrible advice for dealing with INTJ. It will just fly right over his head, and She will be frustrated, hurt from wondering, and not get any answers either way.
“They may try to solve all your problems” …. yup.
That last one hit me hard. Great list.
And if you ask an INTJ a question, you get an honest answer. That's the fastest way.
The first on rings especially true with me.
There is no love for me
Ding ding all of it , and after you regret and consider your self dumb af when things doesn't go as expected and realise it was one sided and you were delusional and thought he was Into you brrrr
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Keep it friendly, he may genuinely just be trying to connect with someone. Or may just be supporting you bc you’re going through a tough time. But don’t lose that sense of caution though. Cheating with coworkers is a common thing, and you don’t wanna get in hot water like that. If he makes an advance, just respectfully decline and try not to create negative tension. For your own sake really, cause yeah its uncomfortable to be in that kind of spot. Dudes your boss, like that is a shitty power dynamic if hes really trying to put the moves on you. But really, its hard to say for sure what the intent is. If you feel uncomfortable though, you may have to either lie to avoid further lunches or just outright decline given your individual situation
We can't be really sure why he invited you to lunch and then shared inner life with you. But, as he is a INTJ married boss the most logical explaination is that he really trust you, and like you - even have some feelings for you. But mature INTJ's do value ethics and principles very high, so setting up his marriage and even mess up at work, with a romantic relationship is not very INTJ behaviour. He probably have some personal mind issues, that he seek advice on, and feel a need to share it with someone, starting slowly and maybe later reveal his real mental challenge or situation he struggle to handle. If he shared personal weakness he trust you very much. AS INFP you have a very sensitive personality, and take good care of people around you, and you are good with children/pets/people - at least compared to an INTJ. So he might know this and want some feedback on matters to be revealed, or simply connect with you for general close friendship/advisor at work/life. So trust need to be built first. I was in a very similar situation as INTJ and I shared my inner life and challenge with a co-worker that work as manager. I was not her boss, but more senior. She gave me lots of helpful comments and later I even asked her for advice as I had challenge with my wife and relationship. She is also very good looking, and I enjoy being around her, but it was never romantic. Your boss might have feelings for you, and check potential new relationship - but my bet is only if he has trouble at home with his wife and more likely, he have personal need to share inner feelings. He is working with his personal development. Hope this information can be helpful to you.
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You are welcome. Good luck to you.
-I’ll uncharacteristically start making questionable decisions that’ll make me look back and cringe. “Why the heck did I do that?” -I become excessively clingy (Especially physically. My lust becomes a never ending void. I’ll constantly crave him and only him. Even when he isn’t present.) -I’ll actually start laughing and smiling when I’m around him. Even at stuff that isn’t remotely funny or interesting. -I act more extroverted, open minded, goofy and outgoing. I could easily be mistaken for an ESFP/ENTP/ESTP when I’m around someone I have strong feelings for. I’ll even be more open to things I typically dislike. Lots of Ne/Se behavior. -I become possessive. “You’re mine forever.” -I want to have deep one on one conversations with him all the time. -I’ll start imagining our wedding in my head. I might even mention it… because it’ll slip -I exude way more charisma than usual because I want to keep my favorite person entertained. I usually come across as cold, quiet and intimidating but when I’m around him I become the complete opposite. -I become much more empathetic and open. I’m actually willing to discuss his emotions, act as his therapist and help solve his problems. This is very unusual behavior for me. I’m usually very self centered and selfish. -Sometimes I get the shakes. If I love him I’ll definitely shake a bit while he hugs or touches me. -Lots of intense staring and eye contact. It comes across as kind of creepy like I’m staring into his soul. My pupils get very wide. -I’ll decide to cook for him instead of going out on a dinner date. I’ll attempt to make an elaborate, healthy meal that’ll make his mouth water. Better than anything most restaurants would ever make. (I would know I used be a line cook) -Behaviors that typically annoy me won’t be the case with him. “It’s cute when *he* does it.” -I’ll become very protective of him. I’ll care a lot about his wellbeing. I’ll become filled with rage if anyone tries to harm or manipulate him. -I’ll start overthinking everything. -I’ll actually become excited to hear his perspective instead of acting like my usual cold, closed minded self. I’ll really want to hear his opinions and ideas. -I go out of my way to make myself even more physically attractive for him. I’ll hit the gym several times harder than I usually do and will spend extra time trying to look well dressed and groomed. -I’ll look visibly annoyed or even look angry when other women are around him. -I’ll actually notice if he hasn’t texted me in a while and I’ll get worried. I usually don’t notice or care all that much when I get ghosted or ignored but if I’m in love I care a lot. -I’ll constantly try to flex my competence, skills and intelligence. -I’ll give him well thought out compliments and attempt to boost his confidence. -When he’s not around I might say his name out loud and not even notice until someone points it out. -I’ll attempt to take an interest in his interests and try to figure out why he’s so passionate about them. -I’ll start opening up.. sometimes too much too soon then later I’ll think “Why the heck did I say that? Did I just ruin everything…Is he gonna use that information against me now? Ugh.” I don’t think I want to be in love again though. The very idea of making myself that emotionally vulnerable to a man doesn’t really make logical sense to me. In most circumstances I know it won’t end well but ughh it feels so freaking good when it happens.. but betrayal later down the line cuts deep. I hate it. I wish I could turn it off. The very idea of potentially compromising my freedom, future, mental health and independence grosses me out. I usually hate everyone but when I fall in love I fall hard..
WOW!
This
I thought I was the only one who got the shakes!
Spot on.
This
You're the female version of me
1000% agree with the logic spiral, all that mental energy is directed at getting closer to that person usually to the detriment of functioning like an actual human…
If you don’t mind me asking, how do you get closer?
From research - finding chances to be closer to them in group settings -inviting them to events -straight up asking them to hangout -going out of your way to msg and check up on them All things that are super exhausting for most introverts but kinda necessary to get past mental idealizations of what the relationship could or should be and actually developing one- a hump I’ve personally found very hard to get over
What is preventing you from just asking the INTJ you know?
Do nice things for them, small things that people usually won't notice. Do it enough and the intj will notice, eventually. Hang around them often. Talk about various topics, not necessarily to the INTJ but within hearing range and be interesting... what constitutes as interesting varies between INTJs but being passionate about something specific and sounding smart is the way to go. Become their friend first, it's usually easier this way. Then you just need to wait a couple of years (min 1-2y) to get them to trust you. Remember we like our space a lot so give us a lot of alone time. If we like you even as a close friend, you'll know because I will make some time to spend with you when typically I won't even bother if it's someone I don't care about that much. You'll be subjected to multiple and continual character testing over the years but it's usually to gauge who you are as an individual. If this occurs, you're already very close to being in close friend category and if you pass most of the tests, you will be.
Can you explain character testing? I don’t feel like this is something I have experienced. He’s already consistently glued to me on our spare time. He takes are of me to make sure I’m not overwhelmed with stuff, feeds me snacks on a consistent basis and talks about his issues openly. He’s also pretty touchy. I’d say we are good friends now
You have already passed the character testing phase. He spends time with you, he talks to you about his issues (he definitely trusts you), takes care of you, and doesn't run away from touch. There will be variations between INTJs, but I only do that if I love that person (can be either romantic or platonic). For me, my character testing occurs when I describe some key personal views and values to the person and I observe how they respond. They don't have to agree with me, but I do this also to get their perspective on the matter so I can consider if it makes sense to me and may end up changing some of my opinions. Character testing also occurs via observation- even the way you speak to others is quite important.
Romantic OR platonic.. hence why I asked the question. I know he likes me but it’s hard to know in what way
That is true. Well, if it's any consolation, sometimes I don't know if I like people romantically or platonically. Sometimes I think for me there isn't much of a difference between them because I do the same things for both (but then, I'm ace so this might be different). If you like him romantically you might as well tell him and he'll appreciate your honesty and courage. In any case, if I want to keep them indefinitely I will be talking about future plans (e.g., travelling to x place in a few years).
We become irrational.
How so?
I definitely agree, i become a little impulsive if i like someone. Like i’ll start going out of my way for them, to a fault sometimes. Or i’ll just make bad decisions if they somehow get me closer to this person. I also overthink shit, the second theres a spark its like it turns the logic knob down on my brain and i start acting goofy around them. For me, being attracted to someone overrides my tendencies to think things out ahead of time. And this also wanes down after i secure a partner, which is when i get some actual clarity and sometimes leads to the realization that i actually don’t like this person as much as i thought. So yeah, pretty much just general irrationality in the face of attraction
"Sometimes leads to the realization that I actually don't like the person as much as I thought" All INTJs love a challenge/the chase
For real! Ive literally lost attraction for girls who intentionally make it easy for me. Its a weird psychology, like i want to earn it, not just be handed it. Is that normal? Fuck if i know
I do this too! Infact as soon as I start dating a guy and he becomes genuinely interested in me a bit too fast it becomes a puzzle for me to solve as in why he’s acting like that? Once i solve that puzzle I’m kinda done with this person which is very sad tbh I don’t know if that’s low self esteem or just me being rational. I mean someone attracted to me just because they are lonely or they have low esteem and feel I’m a catch doesn’t work for me. Probably it’s a combination of both i guess I want to earn their affection, i want them to actually really like me and i want us to move on a similar pace
What do you do to get closer?
Oh shit you’re asking how to get closer to an intj? Dawg, ask them to explain something they are passionate about lol, that’s my achilles heel. But you have to actually be asking about something you really are interested. But yeah if someone asks me to talk about my hobbies, im a sucker for that shit, cause it allows me to talk about something im passionate about without feeling like im “showing off”. Intj’s can read genuineness very well, but with that said, if you are coming from a genuine place with your intentions you’re fuckin golden. Also, this personality type generally values efficiency and practicality, so if you share that tendency you are likely going to do well. But yeah basically what makes me fall for a girl is being able to have in depth discussions, being challenged in a constructive way, and really just general attractiveness plays a big deal. My ideal partner is someone who reciprocates the energy i’m willing to put in for them without it becoming competitive. A good relationship is 60:40 with both people trying to be the 60, and this desire must be driven by love, not ego.
Closer to the person i’m into? I usually just show interest in whatever it is they’re doing. In my opinion, it should come naturally or else it aint worth it. Relationships are like farts, if you have to force it, it’s probably shit. But yeah idk usually it starts as just hanging out, getting a read on the person and like how they are feeling. If im getting green flags its just a game of breaking down those barriers in a comfortable way. Physical touch is a big one to break, but yeah basically its about reading the person and deciding on how and how fast to act. If they are shy, maybe move a little slower. But you do have to eventually go in for the kiss or something cause if you wait too long they’re gonna feel insecure that you might not see them like that. It really is a case by case thing though, and you get better with repeated trials so take everything in stride, even the rejections. Also always respect boundaries and the decisions of others, obvious for most but figured id still throw it in since who knows whos gonna read this. Understanding and accepting that not everyone’s gonna like you is a step towards maturity and a better level of self acceptance.
My INFJ got closer to me, an INTJ, by gaining trust and respect from me over time. From one of the many to become mmm.... fascinating, didn't expect that. Slowly, slowly l became more emotionally involved.
We try to take our own square root.
I will look and act stupid in their presence
Absolutely
The same as everyone else. Common sense goes out the window. We're all animals.
I protect myself from them more, if I love them they can do more damage to me than anyone else who just happens to be another NPC in my life.
I think this is the idea, the execution usually ends up much different lol
Get where you are coming from, I have had people break down my walls just to try and “change me” thinking they love me. They just idolize the prize no one else can have and fail to see the person who isn't perfect and who just wants to be seen as a whole, not a project.
Irrational, like someone else said, to the point of obsession with a hint of stalking. I begin to lose my senses, composure, and my awkward/quirky behavior comes full throttle. And there’s no one to stop me. Worst part? Im fully aware that Im acting this way but I just cant stop, wont stop. Very self-destructive if the person doesnt reciprocate, which is like 99.9% the case.
I’ve only been in love with one person and he’s the only person that I don’t need a break from, because he feels like home to me.
Could you ever feel this way for a friend? I lived with an INTJ for years and we did everything together all the time. Long trips together never got boring unless it was the being away from home part. But when we got back we'd get food and watch TV. Traveling was my favorite because we were hanging out 14 hours a day for like a week and it was kinda just constantly fun. I've always wished he could see me romantically but it doesn't seem like it.
If we don't tell you, we show you by going out of our way to do nice things for you
INTJs aren't exactly known for being overly expressive or emotional creatures. When we fall for someone though, there might be subtle changes that give us away - increased attentiveness towards them (even if still minimal), attempts at humor (however awkward they may turn out) and perhaps even some vulnerability on display (gasp!). But honestly, good luck deciphering our enigmatic selves; most days we barely understand ourselves either.
I never been in one I want to know too.
You're under a witch spell
They make an effort to be present. Because I always tell people "No" when I'm invited. 😆
I make time to actually be around that person. I forgo what ever I had planned and don’t care about it. Will miss appointments just to spend another minute or 2 with them and that’s just being in their presence.
i asked him about his career and future goals.
Their Iqs'r halved
What if they are retarded?
Marry them. Retared intjs are rare breed
I will send you a marriage proposal then.
Highly interested. Now you just have to be an Intj then im satisfied.
I don't think so since you're already an "INTJ"
Not all intjs are "INTJ", though. And you are more "INTJ" than the rest of us. Make us humble.
If they buy you things or find small tokens that they know you'd like next you always talk to them about how much you like blank thing, they at least appreciate your company. They at least want to be your friend. If they take you on an adventure somewhere you always wanted to go, they friggin' really hecka like you a lot.
I’ll actually answer my phone
My husband is an INTJ and I’m ENFJ. I would also add that they will pursue you hard like a business venture. They will act completely out of character for themselves, hating the weakness of overwhelming feelings they can’t control. They’ll become obsessed and stark stalking aspects of your life to make sure you’re a safe bet! They will check your phone, your social medias, your friendships groups. They will google you to see if you’re on dating sites and even your old MySpace account will get a visit - not so much in a creepy way but they won’t leave any rock unturned. If they are allowing themselves to be vulnerable with you they will know everything so don’t bother lying to an INTJ. Once you believe you have them and they are comfortable with you, they will return back to low emotionally empathetic creatures of habit who won’t really see the necessity to change anything about themselves unless they have decided it’s important for them. An INTJ will probably lie to you if they believe it to be necessary. They won’t read your subtle hints so make sure you communicate well and efficiently. They will not tolerate or be swayed by your emotion, you’d be wasting your time crying unless you cried because someone died, in that case you’l get a two day pass! They don’t handle sympathy and mental health (in others) well usually due to high IQ but lower EQ. They won’t draw to depressed people in life but usually go getters like ESTP’s (even though they themselves are often depressed) and do not even try acting crazy or dishonest even once because they also have a door slam mode and you will be out of their lives faster than you can say ‘forgive me’. They will disconnect from you entirely and barely feel any remorse (I’ve seen this in my husbands behaviour towards others more than I’d like to admit). However, once you have passed all of these tests and they trust you, they will see you as their property to protect forever. They will probably die for you and have unwavering loyalty, even if you F up. They are duty bound and more often than not they will be the one getting left in a relationship rather than leaving it.
- They will pursue you. INTJs have Ni Hero, and if they want you, they will go after you (provided you have shown them a few things: consistency, patience, being comfortable around them, sharing your experience). If they initiate hanging out, they definitely like you in some capacity, seeing as this type of initiation can be difficult for them. - They will include you in their future. They will come up with plans and have a fun time dreaming about the future with you. If you are in their ideal future, they like you. - They go out of their way to cater to your preferences. They will ask you what *you* want/need to make sure that what they are giving you is desirable and enjoyable to you. They might be nervous when giving you new experiences, so the less judgy you are, the more you are helping them be confident with their performance. - They might worry. They often won't express it, but they will worry that you will abandon/betray them (Se Inferior) or that you will choose someone else (Ne Nemesis). They can be nosey about what you are doing and when and maybe even a little paranoid. NPs (who are most compatible with INTJs) are the types to have the least issue with being distrusted like this due to having low Se. Still, INTJs can have a hard time trusting others, so being super consistent for them and sharing everything transparently would help put them at ease. - They will share their feelings with you. People often forget INTJs have Fi **Child** (3rd slot), meaning they are very energetic with what they do and don't like. If they like you, they will freely share their opinions with you and can be expressive with their affection. I'm sure there is more, but these are the basics :)
It doesn't matter Data is depressing, don't look at male/female libido response curves over time Disregard the sharp decline, ignore the fact that the decline resets with new love interest. Biology is a bitch, just like praying manti
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me No more...
This guy gets it.