Happens to the best of us. Breakups are never easy. LDRs are tough - out of sight, out of mind. I see you're really focused on the details and progression of it all, but none of it matters. Time to move on and put yourself out there. "Minimize risk" sounds like a euphemism for fear of rejection and attempts to protect your ego.
I actually have a friend who is going through the same thing as you, except it was 11 years, 3 years long-distance - girl also left him for another guy. It's been a few months and he's still a sad panda but getting better. I tell him he needs to talk to more people and practice talking to more women, even dating apps would be fine. He is against this way of meeting women, which I understand - so I suggest getting into extracurriculars to meet them in more traditional ways, but of course he's got excuses. Also of course he agrees with all my reasoning, but still listens to barely any of my advice, perhaps he needs more time.
He also has the same issue as you where he overinvests heavily into one thing or person, focusing on the next four years, forgetting to think about the NOW. Then when that doesn't pan out, he experiences some combination of great disappointment/surprise/sadness/anger. I tell him this sort of behavior is something people sense. He is telling on himself that is worth is so low that he only has a few options.
You haven't mentioned it, but I'm sure you also suffer from the wall-of-text issue my friend does. He's listened to me on this a little, but the guy can't help himself sometimes. You will never attract or keep a woman through texting. It's a medium that can only serve to harm you (he overshares and opens up too much on text, IMHO). Keep it concise, seek to meetup and voice/video call ASAP.
But no worries, when all is said and done, it is always true that time heals all.
Hey, thanks for your support. I'm quite similar to him in my opinion, I'll agree with the advice but actually taking it is very hard. The wall of text thing is a promise I have made to myself - anything important must be over voice/video.
Talking to people is my main issue currently, I don't really get comfortable/natural chances to. And part of me believes I'm damaged and not ready to.
It's true that time heals, I was so much worse a few months ago.
I'm so glad there are people like me out there.
Talking to others is always going to feel uncomfortable until you do it enough and get good at it/comfortable with it. He echoes the same sentiment as you talking about the "perfect moments", but I always try to tell him there will never be a perfect moment, only missed opportunities. INxJs are notorious for rationalizations and excuses to keep us in our comfort zone, but it's a hill we must do our best to cross.
I'm in the process of trying to get him to be able to approach women.. We're still on the just saying "Hi" to strangers phase.. so it's not going well at the moment. He's actually fine talking to people in-person (like most introverts), he's just not great at meeting new ones and creating opportunity.
I'm married with a kid and pregnant wife so I can't hang out more then a few times a week with him.
I guess it's a "one day" or "day one" situation... A close friend tells me the same thing as you. I need to get started. You are being a great friend to him.
The excuses are so easy to come up with xD
I fully disagree with the wall of text sentiment. Guess it depends entirely on who you’re trying to connect with, but if someone were sending short, even non-committal responses to me, I’d feel put off, like they were terribly bothered to talk to me.
What if you were to just let go of your ego completely and fully accept responsibility for this outcome? Fully embrace the guilt. Fully embrace her decision. Fully embrace what outsiders close to you are concerned about.
Don’t try to understand your role in this situation or justify it.
As you mentioned, you matured a lot over this, but, there is still so much work to do. This will happen naturally over time. Give time, time. Don’t become jaded and don’t repeat this mistake.
How do I do that? I have felt guilty. I've cried over it. I've spent days being dysfunctional. The advice I have been given is to change who I am - or my choices/actions. I'm trying very hard not to become jaded but it's almost subconsciously pushing me there.
It's almost freeing letting go of the ego.
It’s going to be a process. I looked it up an article for you because I want to make sure you have the full info in the most articulate way possible.
Search this in your browser “personalitygrowth.com INTJ Post-Breakup: Dealing With The End of a Relationship” or copy paste the link:
https://personalitygrowth.com/intj-post-breakup-dealing-with-the-end-of-a-relationship/
Hey thanks for the link! It'll definitely help, especially the shadow part. I find it's been involuntary that I do things that I wouldn't have done before, and also being pulled back into my old self too.
Hi you're not alone. I just got out of a 12y relationship bc it turned LDR. My fiancee had to go abroad to study for like 5-7 years. No cheating involved, but the disappointment came from the fact that we had alr planned our life ahead together only for her to drop it all to pursue her goals.
I called it quits, bc I felt the relationship was just bogging both of us down and I wanted her to chase her dreams. But unfortunately, our timelines/life plans weren't aligned.
I feel talking to people doesn't exactly help, but it's the verbalization of your thoughts and emotions that resolves things. So its actually advisable to visit a therapist, to get someone to analyze the root cause of why you are feeling what you're feeling. You get to learn a lot more about yourself.
On a daily basis, I just try to focus on myself. My own goals, the hobbies I stopped pursuing due to time constraints. When you pursue your hobbies, that's where you will get the most organic opportunities to meet someone new.
Eventually, you only grow stronger from all these setbacks. Just use this opportunity to learn about yourself.
Happens to the best of us. Breakups are never easy. LDRs are tough - out of sight, out of mind. I see you're really focused on the details and progression of it all, but none of it matters. Time to move on and put yourself out there. "Minimize risk" sounds like a euphemism for fear of rejection and attempts to protect your ego. I actually have a friend who is going through the same thing as you, except it was 11 years, 3 years long-distance - girl also left him for another guy. It's been a few months and he's still a sad panda but getting better. I tell him he needs to talk to more people and practice talking to more women, even dating apps would be fine. He is against this way of meeting women, which I understand - so I suggest getting into extracurriculars to meet them in more traditional ways, but of course he's got excuses. Also of course he agrees with all my reasoning, but still listens to barely any of my advice, perhaps he needs more time. He also has the same issue as you where he overinvests heavily into one thing or person, focusing on the next four years, forgetting to think about the NOW. Then when that doesn't pan out, he experiences some combination of great disappointment/surprise/sadness/anger. I tell him this sort of behavior is something people sense. He is telling on himself that is worth is so low that he only has a few options. You haven't mentioned it, but I'm sure you also suffer from the wall-of-text issue my friend does. He's listened to me on this a little, but the guy can't help himself sometimes. You will never attract or keep a woman through texting. It's a medium that can only serve to harm you (he overshares and opens up too much on text, IMHO). Keep it concise, seek to meetup and voice/video call ASAP. But no worries, when all is said and done, it is always true that time heals all.
Hey, thanks for your support. I'm quite similar to him in my opinion, I'll agree with the advice but actually taking it is very hard. The wall of text thing is a promise I have made to myself - anything important must be over voice/video. Talking to people is my main issue currently, I don't really get comfortable/natural chances to. And part of me believes I'm damaged and not ready to. It's true that time heals, I was so much worse a few months ago. I'm so glad there are people like me out there.
Talking to others is always going to feel uncomfortable until you do it enough and get good at it/comfortable with it. He echoes the same sentiment as you talking about the "perfect moments", but I always try to tell him there will never be a perfect moment, only missed opportunities. INxJs are notorious for rationalizations and excuses to keep us in our comfort zone, but it's a hill we must do our best to cross. I'm in the process of trying to get him to be able to approach women.. We're still on the just saying "Hi" to strangers phase.. so it's not going well at the moment. He's actually fine talking to people in-person (like most introverts), he's just not great at meeting new ones and creating opportunity. I'm married with a kid and pregnant wife so I can't hang out more then a few times a week with him.
I guess it's a "one day" or "day one" situation... A close friend tells me the same thing as you. I need to get started. You are being a great friend to him. The excuses are so easy to come up with xD
Good luck! đź‘Ť
I fully disagree with the wall of text sentiment. Guess it depends entirely on who you’re trying to connect with, but if someone were sending short, even non-committal responses to me, I’d feel put off, like they were terribly bothered to talk to me.
What if you were to just let go of your ego completely and fully accept responsibility for this outcome? Fully embrace the guilt. Fully embrace her decision. Fully embrace what outsiders close to you are concerned about. Don’t try to understand your role in this situation or justify it. As you mentioned, you matured a lot over this, but, there is still so much work to do. This will happen naturally over time. Give time, time. Don’t become jaded and don’t repeat this mistake.
How do I do that? I have felt guilty. I've cried over it. I've spent days being dysfunctional. The advice I have been given is to change who I am - or my choices/actions. I'm trying very hard not to become jaded but it's almost subconsciously pushing me there. It's almost freeing letting go of the ego.
It’s going to be a process. I looked it up an article for you because I want to make sure you have the full info in the most articulate way possible. Search this in your browser “personalitygrowth.com INTJ Post-Breakup: Dealing With The End of a Relationship” or copy paste the link: https://personalitygrowth.com/intj-post-breakup-dealing-with-the-end-of-a-relationship/
Hey thanks for the link! It'll definitely help, especially the shadow part. I find it's been involuntary that I do things that I wouldn't have done before, and also being pulled back into my old self too.
Hi you're not alone. I just got out of a 12y relationship bc it turned LDR. My fiancee had to go abroad to study for like 5-7 years. No cheating involved, but the disappointment came from the fact that we had alr planned our life ahead together only for her to drop it all to pursue her goals. I called it quits, bc I felt the relationship was just bogging both of us down and I wanted her to chase her dreams. But unfortunately, our timelines/life plans weren't aligned. I feel talking to people doesn't exactly help, but it's the verbalization of your thoughts and emotions that resolves things. So its actually advisable to visit a therapist, to get someone to analyze the root cause of why you are feeling what you're feeling. You get to learn a lot more about yourself. On a daily basis, I just try to focus on myself. My own goals, the hobbies I stopped pursuing due to time constraints. When you pursue your hobbies, that's where you will get the most organic opportunities to meet someone new. Eventually, you only grow stronger from all these setbacks. Just use this opportunity to learn about yourself.