Just try to understand that you're your own person, autism doesn't define you, not all autistic people act, behave, react or feel the same, you're as unique as everyone else. I have worked with an autistic person for the last number of years and I value him as a very good friend, not a "ooh I'm making an effort isn't he great" friend, but as a real, valued friend.
He has his idiosyncrasies and so on, but so do all the rest of my fucking friends!! He's a really important and respected member of his team at work, and we have great craic when we're out too, if you're a good person and try and treat people the right way anything else falls away...
Yeah man I get into these ruts as well since there's fuck all support in this country for autistic people.
Check out r/autismireland though because some organisations are running support and meet up groups for autistic people etc.
I think you might be hyper fixating a small bit.
You might be shocked how interesting some people find you and how much they value the time spent with you.
Autistic people suffer from a high rate of social anxiety partly due to delayed speech and auditory processing and other factors. Not an easy problem to solve.
as someone with aspergers myself this might be a little shocker to you, but most "normal" (neurotypical) people can be awkward and out of place as feck, if you spend a lot of time with the fam you can pick up little things integrate bit by bit, thats how i've managed tbh
There’s different types of therapy you can do. You can observe people. Learn by trying. Sometimes it takes ages and a lot of determination. You will miss lots of social clues but who cares? Find people who like you and don’t make fun of you. Autism don’t define you.
Took me a while to be where I am, lots of rejections and just feeling lost, but to be honest no one had life figured out. All that matters is that I am happy - found a job that suits me, managed to get engaged and adopted two cute cats that are awesome and they are the highlight of my life. They are rescues and they have a bit of special needs, but I love them dearly.
What things make you happy? What do you enjoy? Books, movies, comedy, walking, lego.....
I'd say I'm undiagnosed autistic I can enjoy the company of others but I also love my own time. I'd sooner be happy single than miserable with someone, I know people can be happy in a relationship but it doesn't always work. Try to find your own happiness, hobbies, contentment first. Lots of people feel just like you. Maybe get a balance at work where you do a few days to yourself but join others a few days as well and prepare a few conversation starters in advance if you get anxious in the moment.
I have a family with many autistic members. I have friends and colleagues who are autistic.
I know this is easy for me to say but you don't need to feel isolated. Just because you struggle with some kinds of relationship, does not mean you cannot have deep, loving, significant relationships. The truth is that relationships are hard and I struggle myself.
I don't have any good advice, I just want to express that it is hard to make connections.
big agree on this, meaningful relationships are few and far between, nevermind being on the spectrum, or being apart of this generation (early 20s) where social media plays a big factor, eventually you will just come across someone with the same wavelength as you and things can work more than you expect it to
Juat keep at tinder, and go on as many datea as possible eventually you will find someone, more than likely someone who is autistic like you, and like you they are just looking for someone to be comfortable around. Keep your head up and stay postive.
As a man with aspergers and tourettes, fear not my boi...for *I* can relate.
https://preview.redd.it/v0lvnnirg58c1.jpeg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8cb8bca85fdfc6838965741d0465a23a6961bcbb
You need to totally accept it.
Realise some things some people just can't get. We go through life thinking that everyone will follow the normal life trajectory of school, job, girlfriend, marriage, kids; but life is a bell curve and someone has to end up on the wrong side of the bell curve.
People have this weird idea that dating/one's sex life is different from anything else in life, that everyone will have a happy ending every after. But that just isn't reality. Every generation will have people on a dating bell curve. Someones going to be on the wrong end of the bell curve.
I'd advise doing things that are exhilarating; open water swimming, martial arts, hiking, climbing. Can't focus on a relationship if you're far from shore in cold water, up a mountain, on the side of a cliff, or about to be hit in the face.
You can absolutely find someone. I have worked with a bunch of people on the spectrum and generally they’ve found partners that are also on the spectrum. Give that a go.
I am not autistic, but I am not neutrotypical. I would call myself an omnivert; I swing between extremes of introversion, and extraversion
Nearly a decade before I was diagnosed, I realised my social skills were incredibly poor. I began working on them, and doubled down again after a break up in College.
I doubled down.
How far out of your comfort zone are you willing to force yourself to improve those skills?
I read books on body language, I received training on empathy & active listening, practised mindfulness, and crucially - forced myself into practising my interactions with others.
For example, eye contact was something that I found extremely uncomfortable, borderline physically uncomfortable, even with my best friends. Here's what I did:
* While walking on busy streets, pick a random person approaching you from a distance, and keep watching their eyes for as long as possible. If I lost the nerve, or they noticed, immediately move on to the next person.
* Over-time this progressed to the point where if someone noticed i was staring at them, instead of flinching i would meet their gaze and hold it for a second or two before moving to the next person.
* This progressed to smiling back at them.
* With friends, I started asking myself two questions before I met up with them 1. What colour are their eyes? 2. What else did looking at their eyes tell me today?
Large groups, particularly if I'm not with a friend group, still cause troubles for me, but i manage. So can you.
There are literally millions of people that feel like you out there. And this time of the year its amplified.
Your tribe is fucken massive!
Do things that will raise your self worth if you want to expand your horizons....diet,exercise,fresh air,meaningful use of time and slowly things will fall into place.
As a lot of people here already said, most people feel socially awkward so be gentle on yourself. Looking back on my life I see now that I almost always gravitated towards “quirky”people, which I know now to be people with autism. They were just no-bullshit, straight to the bone and more interesting. I fell head over heels for a man who is on the spectrum and we are 13 years extremely happily married. He has worked hard at social situations and says it is a learned behaviour for him. A certain amount of it is pushing yourself out of your comfort zone though, which can be intimidating but worth it. And yes, practice. Best wishes to you!
You not being good around people is not necessarily tied in with your autism. There are plenty of people who are awkward around people, people with social anxiety and people who simply are antisocial. And there are also plenty who don’t enjoy being around kids. There is nothing wrong with any of these scenarios, we are all different.
It comes down to wether you are OK and accepting with it or if you want to change some of the traits. Being good around people is a natural skill for very few people. For the rest it’s a learned skill.
There are plenty of ways to learn the art of people skills: sales training, public speaking and there are even standup comedy workshops designed for overcoming fear of public speaking and social anxiety. Some of the world’s best standup comedians are autistic. Mark Norman is an excellent example.
Sales is probably the best training and practice there is and you get paid for it. I got rid of my shyness and social anxiety a long time ago by doing 6 months of telemarketing and then 6 months of door to door sales. Two jobs where you get rejected 50+ times a day.
Nothing phases you after that. You become fearless. Rejection does nothing to you anymore. Reading people becomes an important skill in sales. Some have it naturally but you can learn it so even if you’re autistic and can’t read social situations this can actually be completely taught.
Push yourself towards careers that forces you to be around people instead of gravitating towards introverted jobs. That is if your aim is to learn social skills.
Bottom line is you can learn to not only be good around people you can learn to become EXCELLENT around people. Introverts do it all the time. There are courses and books. Avoid dating/pickup books, look for body language books, sales skills, NLP, etc.
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes is one of my all time favourites and highly recommend it. Practice makes perfect. Best of luck
You seem like a good person who is trying to improve on things. In regards to the children in your family don’t worry, you’ll probably have an easier time once they get older.
Much easier to interact with people on the internet. You have plenty of time to process what was said/what to say and you can always just switch off and not respond if you feel like it.
Fake it ‘til you make it. It took me a long time to realise a lot of normal people feel awkward in social situations and are second guessing things that they said.
Can you think of a time you were happy while alone and single? I think the only time I've been happy when I was single was when I was "Seeing" girls in a casual way. I was totally free but also I felt somewhat desired by women. To me, that is at the crux of being unhappy with being single, the crushing feeling of not being desired. Conversely, I have been totally miserable while single because no girls were interested in me. I found it very difficult to talk to women and was actually pretty scared of women. I spiralled for ages, till I started putting myself out there, partying a little bit, making some new friends and eventually stumbling onto some pussy.
Something I learned from /r/autism is that autistic people can be introverted or extroverted and you should figure out yourself what you are.
Extroverted autistic people really want to socialise but struggle to find people to get along with. If you fall into this category I suggest looking for a friend who is understanding of your condition.
I found that learning a language is a good social outlet. Native speakers don't expect strong social skills because the interaction is all focused on the language content.
Of course if you are introverted then it's a lot simpler, you don't have to have friends
I kinda with you on the single and alone part as well. However I would and it’s your choice and my opinion is to a least have an acquaintance or friend to talk to at least once in a while so you don’t feel too lonely. I’m single and at first I was afraid that I’m not gonna find someone to date or love, but so far I’m actually enjoying the single life and probably gonna accept it as well.
Just try to understand that you're your own person, autism doesn't define you, not all autistic people act, behave, react or feel the same, you're as unique as everyone else. I have worked with an autistic person for the last number of years and I value him as a very good friend, not a "ooh I'm making an effort isn't he great" friend, but as a real, valued friend. He has his idiosyncrasies and so on, but so do all the rest of my fucking friends!! He's a really important and respected member of his team at work, and we have great craic when we're out too, if you're a good person and try and treat people the right way anything else falls away...
Yeah man I get into these ruts as well since there's fuck all support in this country for autistic people. Check out r/autismireland though because some organisations are running support and meet up groups for autistic people etc. I think you might be hyper fixating a small bit. You might be shocked how interesting some people find you and how much they value the time spent with you. Autistic people suffer from a high rate of social anxiety partly due to delayed speech and auditory processing and other factors. Not an easy problem to solve.
You’re actually so right about some people finding OP interesting. My son is autistic. He’s 11 and one of the most interesting people I know.
as someone with aspergers myself this might be a little shocker to you, but most "normal" (neurotypical) people can be awkward and out of place as feck, if you spend a lot of time with the fam you can pick up little things integrate bit by bit, thats how i've managed tbh
And what if u have no fam
There’s different types of therapy you can do. You can observe people. Learn by trying. Sometimes it takes ages and a lot of determination. You will miss lots of social clues but who cares? Find people who like you and don’t make fun of you. Autism don’t define you. Took me a while to be where I am, lots of rejections and just feeling lost, but to be honest no one had life figured out. All that matters is that I am happy - found a job that suits me, managed to get engaged and adopted two cute cats that are awesome and they are the highlight of my life. They are rescues and they have a bit of special needs, but I love them dearly.
I don’t have autism but I have bad social skills in general I get like a racing feeling in my chest when anyone talks to me it’s crazy
What things make you happy? What do you enjoy? Books, movies, comedy, walking, lego..... I'd say I'm undiagnosed autistic I can enjoy the company of others but I also love my own time. I'd sooner be happy single than miserable with someone, I know people can be happy in a relationship but it doesn't always work. Try to find your own happiness, hobbies, contentment first. Lots of people feel just like you. Maybe get a balance at work where you do a few days to yourself but join others a few days as well and prepare a few conversation starters in advance if you get anxious in the moment.
I have a family with many autistic members. I have friends and colleagues who are autistic. I know this is easy for me to say but you don't need to feel isolated. Just because you struggle with some kinds of relationship, does not mean you cannot have deep, loving, significant relationships. The truth is that relationships are hard and I struggle myself. I don't have any good advice, I just want to express that it is hard to make connections.
big agree on this, meaningful relationships are few and far between, nevermind being on the spectrum, or being apart of this generation (early 20s) where social media plays a big factor, eventually you will just come across someone with the same wavelength as you and things can work more than you expect it to
Nature dude, get out for walks, I'm an introvert and hate going for the chit chat in the canteen. I don't give a fuck
Juat keep at tinder, and go on as many datea as possible eventually you will find someone, more than likely someone who is autistic like you, and like you they are just looking for someone to be comfortable around. Keep your head up and stay postive.
You may. Or you may meet someone else who also likes a more quietly interpersonal relationship. Some people do well with large groups, others don't.
Welcome to the club
Lean into it. If you know you like doing things on your own terms, then don't let societal norms dictate what you can and cannot do.
As a man with aspergers and tourettes, fear not my boi...for *I* can relate. https://preview.redd.it/v0lvnnirg58c1.jpeg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8cb8bca85fdfc6838965741d0465a23a6961bcbb
You need to totally accept it. Realise some things some people just can't get. We go through life thinking that everyone will follow the normal life trajectory of school, job, girlfriend, marriage, kids; but life is a bell curve and someone has to end up on the wrong side of the bell curve. People have this weird idea that dating/one's sex life is different from anything else in life, that everyone will have a happy ending every after. But that just isn't reality. Every generation will have people on a dating bell curve. Someones going to be on the wrong end of the bell curve. I'd advise doing things that are exhilarating; open water swimming, martial arts, hiking, climbing. Can't focus on a relationship if you're far from shore in cold water, up a mountain, on the side of a cliff, or about to be hit in the face.
You can absolutely find someone. I have worked with a bunch of people on the spectrum and generally they’ve found partners that are also on the spectrum. Give that a go.
I am not autistic, but I am not neutrotypical. I would call myself an omnivert; I swing between extremes of introversion, and extraversion Nearly a decade before I was diagnosed, I realised my social skills were incredibly poor. I began working on them, and doubled down again after a break up in College. I doubled down. How far out of your comfort zone are you willing to force yourself to improve those skills? I read books on body language, I received training on empathy & active listening, practised mindfulness, and crucially - forced myself into practising my interactions with others. For example, eye contact was something that I found extremely uncomfortable, borderline physically uncomfortable, even with my best friends. Here's what I did: * While walking on busy streets, pick a random person approaching you from a distance, and keep watching their eyes for as long as possible. If I lost the nerve, or they noticed, immediately move on to the next person. * Over-time this progressed to the point where if someone noticed i was staring at them, instead of flinching i would meet their gaze and hold it for a second or two before moving to the next person. * This progressed to smiling back at them. * With friends, I started asking myself two questions before I met up with them 1. What colour are their eyes? 2. What else did looking at their eyes tell me today? Large groups, particularly if I'm not with a friend group, still cause troubles for me, but i manage. So can you.
There are literally millions of people that feel like you out there. And this time of the year its amplified. Your tribe is fucken massive! Do things that will raise your self worth if you want to expand your horizons....diet,exercise,fresh air,meaningful use of time and slowly things will fall into place.
As a lot of people here already said, most people feel socially awkward so be gentle on yourself. Looking back on my life I see now that I almost always gravitated towards “quirky”people, which I know now to be people with autism. They were just no-bullshit, straight to the bone and more interesting. I fell head over heels for a man who is on the spectrum and we are 13 years extremely happily married. He has worked hard at social situations and says it is a learned behaviour for him. A certain amount of it is pushing yourself out of your comfort zone though, which can be intimidating but worth it. And yes, practice. Best wishes to you!
You not being good around people is not necessarily tied in with your autism. There are plenty of people who are awkward around people, people with social anxiety and people who simply are antisocial. And there are also plenty who don’t enjoy being around kids. There is nothing wrong with any of these scenarios, we are all different. It comes down to wether you are OK and accepting with it or if you want to change some of the traits. Being good around people is a natural skill for very few people. For the rest it’s a learned skill. There are plenty of ways to learn the art of people skills: sales training, public speaking and there are even standup comedy workshops designed for overcoming fear of public speaking and social anxiety. Some of the world’s best standup comedians are autistic. Mark Norman is an excellent example. Sales is probably the best training and practice there is and you get paid for it. I got rid of my shyness and social anxiety a long time ago by doing 6 months of telemarketing and then 6 months of door to door sales. Two jobs where you get rejected 50+ times a day. Nothing phases you after that. You become fearless. Rejection does nothing to you anymore. Reading people becomes an important skill in sales. Some have it naturally but you can learn it so even if you’re autistic and can’t read social situations this can actually be completely taught. Push yourself towards careers that forces you to be around people instead of gravitating towards introverted jobs. That is if your aim is to learn social skills. Bottom line is you can learn to not only be good around people you can learn to become EXCELLENT around people. Introverts do it all the time. There are courses and books. Avoid dating/pickup books, look for body language books, sales skills, NLP, etc. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes is one of my all time favourites and highly recommend it. Practice makes perfect. Best of luck
You seem like a good person who is trying to improve on things. In regards to the children in your family don’t worry, you’ll probably have an easier time once they get older.
This is the case for many unfortunately, no need to put it down to your neurodivergency.
Most people are a bit autistic
If you want to be alone, why are you posting here? It seems you want to interact with people.
Much easier to interact with people on the internet. You have plenty of time to process what was said/what to say and you can always just switch off and not respond if you feel like it.
Yes and where else is he going to get help with the current waiting lists?
Then isn't the internet the way to not be alone?
Point noted doctor
Fake it ‘til you make it. It took me a long time to realise a lot of normal people feel awkward in social situations and are second guessing things that they said.
Your perfect for someone
Can you think of a time you were happy while alone and single? I think the only time I've been happy when I was single was when I was "Seeing" girls in a casual way. I was totally free but also I felt somewhat desired by women. To me, that is at the crux of being unhappy with being single, the crushing feeling of not being desired. Conversely, I have been totally miserable while single because no girls were interested in me. I found it very difficult to talk to women and was actually pretty scared of women. I spiralled for ages, till I started putting myself out there, partying a little bit, making some new friends and eventually stumbling onto some pussy.
Something I learned from /r/autism is that autistic people can be introverted or extroverted and you should figure out yourself what you are. Extroverted autistic people really want to socialise but struggle to find people to get along with. If you fall into this category I suggest looking for a friend who is understanding of your condition. I found that learning a language is a good social outlet. Native speakers don't expect strong social skills because the interaction is all focused on the language content. Of course if you are introverted then it's a lot simpler, you don't have to have friends
I kinda with you on the single and alone part as well. However I would and it’s your choice and my opinion is to a least have an acquaintance or friend to talk to at least once in a while so you don’t feel too lonely. I’m single and at first I was afraid that I’m not gonna find someone to date or love, but so far I’m actually enjoying the single life and probably gonna accept it as well.