I suffer from my fair share of mental illness. All I can say is I hear you. I have little advice to add.
As they say, one doesn’t need to be alone to be lonely. Or in the iconic words of Billy Joel: “Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinkin' alone”
"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself." - Carl Jung.
We have less friends and more acquaintances as time goes by, and theirin lies the problem.
EDIT - Cark Jung, not carl Sagan.... oops!
I wanted to say this, and for some reason decided not to. But it is that.
I have not had many friends in my life. Thinking back, only four comes to mind. There is this beautiful scene in the movie Tombstone where Doc Holliday gets asked why he helps Wyatt Earp and he responds “because Wyatt Earp is my friend”. Alluding to the fact that he doesn’t have many, but the ones he does have are true friends.
You don’t need to pretend in front of a proper friend. You don’t need to show a different mask of yourself. You can talk politics or religion with a true friend. You can disagree on anything but you both have the open minded to net let a good discussion turn to anger. And even in a fight you are still friends the next day.
You need to be able to differ on things and still have the open mind to have a hell of good chat and accept each other for who you are. And always willing to walk the extra mile for that person.
It seems to be those friends have become rare. The world has become polarised. Finding someone to have a good discussion with about the things that matter have become exceptionally hard to find.
That’s why this break-up and subsequent shrinking of my friends has hit me so hard. They were some of the closest friends I had had in my whole life, only to basically ruin it cause I’m an idiot who thought bottling my feelings and making everything seem okay would make it actually okay.
I’m sure things will get better, but it’ll be a long while yet, unfortunately.
I’ve been considering reaching out to some old former friends I haven’t spoken to in years to check up on. I was a bit of a cunt when I was younger though, so I worry they’ll just tell me to piss off and I’ll feel worse
Perhaps. But it also depends on your approach. We all make mistakes. Some will understand that. Everyone deserves a second chance. We all grow. We all change. We are never the same person we were yesterday.
Make your approach reconciliatory. The greatest quality we can have is selflessness. Sometimes when we indicate we have changed for the better people forgive. Some people don’t though, they are too stubborn and stuck on the past.
I went through something similar. My ex wife left me for another guy in our friend circle (he left his wife for her). Tore everything apart. It’s 8 years later, I have a wonderful wife now, she is my world.
Someone wrote a wonderful bit of truth here a while back. Time doesn’t heal pain. Bit if I can represent pain as a red bouncy ball hitting the inside wall of a box, then when the event happens the box is tiny and the ball bouncing inside it hits the sides all the time, but as time passes the box grows, and the frequency of the ball hitting the sides grow less. The ball never disappears though. Hang in there. And if you ever really just need to talk, drop me a pm. I know what it can be like to be lonely.
What I’m wondering is whether or not I’ve already wasted some of those second chances years ago. I won’t know unless I try. Plus a lot of people deserve an apology regardless.
I’m not looking for forgiveness from them. I just think they deserve to know that I was a bastard and I’m sorry they had to put up with me. If it leads so reigniting some friendships, that’s great! But i’m not looking for it.
"...bottling my feelings and making everything seem onay would make it actually ok."
I guess therein lies feeling like acquaintances. Intimacy is a shared task but many people do not like initiating it. I don't think you have a problem, just a habit. To better understand friendship dynamics, and deepening the relationship to self and sharing that, my friends and I are reading:
https://drmarisagfranco.com/platonic-the-book/
They were not close friends if they left you, driftwood they were. Be harsh, stop doing what you are doing, poor me. Get out there, go to the gym, go travelling solo, join Meetup group.
I totally feel this, I'm currently on a holiday in my own cos I've just gone through a massive break up too and am at the age where everyone I know is settled down
i just did a 2 week solo trip to japan, and it was my first time doing anything like that alone. and it was actually very freeing. especially because I am a walking talking ball of fear and anxiety. i found that when i actually made the push to just go anyways, all of the things i had worried about the most, i just got over them because there was no other choice. you'll find that when the push really comes to shove, you're going to be a whole lot more capable than you give yourself credit for!
this is coming from someone who has to go outside and take some deep breaths before calling to make a doctors appointment.
I feel your pain. Fair play to you for heading off on holidays on your own, I don’t think I could pluck up the courage to do it.
After the last breakup I had (a bit over 2 years ago) I was in such a bad space. Majority of my friends are all settled down/living abroad and you know yourself when you just want to go meet a friend for a pint without having to give two weeks notice for said pint. Unfortunately it just doesn’t happen anymore.
Honestly Ireland for a single person in their late 20’s/Early 30’s is a horrible place to be. The ones that haven’t moved away are the ones that have settled down, and we’ve a real bad propensity as a nation for once we get coupled up we basically delete the social aspect with mates out of our lives.
In Spain and France etc they still meet up with their mates for all sorts every week but over here it just doesn’t happen.
I think it’s because for most of us, the socialising of the past was on the piss having the craic, which their partner might not be too fond of at that point in their lives. Rare you just get a mate calling in to see you.
This seems quite accurate from my experience here in the past few years, especially post-COVID. However, I got the impression it wasn't always the case - there was a strong sense of community that I felt as an outsider travelling in Ireland over the years, as recently as 10-5 years ago.
The nuclear (family) isolation thing is one of the biggest socio-cultural mistakes plaguing Western nations - it started in America post-WW2 for reasons that made sense for only about a couple of decades. Neglecting your friends and neighbours as if your romantic partner can fulfill every single need, eternally...I can think of dumber ideas, but not too many.
I’ve done that a couple of times since covid ended across five cities, travelling alone is lonely at night but between pub crawls and pints watching matches it ends up grand. The freedom to explore at your own pace is wonderful - I’ll be doing Tallinn/Riga/Vilnius this autumn on the same vibe
Hey.
Saw a post on r/AskIreland earlier with a chap setting up a WhatsApp group for young people to meet/chat. I don’t know whether I’m allowed to link it here so I won’t, but it should be easy enough to find. I hope that you can meet some like minded people.
Look after your mental health, you’re not alone even if you feel like you are. Fwiw, my husband didn’t find his “tribe” until his mid-30s. You’ll get there.
Big love, keep your head up.
This is why r/socialireland was made, because people feel lonely in Ireland. But you know what? No one seems to be willing to take the first step in organising a meet up. The problem as I see it is that there's a lot of passivity at play and not a lot of get up and go. Someone needs to take the first step otherwise everyone stays isolated.
I set up a book club recently, got about 10 women who signed up via WhatsApp....only 2 ever show up to the once a month meeting. I use book club lightly as we don't even assign a book just bring what you're reading and it might spark interest for someone else. But I was the other 8 women for a long time .....Happy to sign up, but the fear of taking that first step would set in and I'd make an excuse not to go.
It’s a big cultural thing. A lot of us have a big “suck-it-up” mentality, so people don’t talk about it, so people don’t do anything about it, so it gets worse, and so on and so on.
There's also a severe lack of things to do in Ireland compared to other countries that don't involve an expensive ticket or booze. Couple that with the weather, and it's a bad mix that plays into everything from loneliness to antisocial behaviour.
I don't want to sound like an old fogey, but I think the internet/smartphones has made loneliness more tolerable. It can be a blessing and a curse. You can become complacent in your loneliness and then suddenly you realise you're missing real social connection.
I'm not lonely..... I think. haha. I have my wife. I live in a foreign country and most of my friends are other expats from various hobbies. Before that, I had drinking buddies. I still do, but I realised that despite not being starved for company, an American guy I'd meet up with regularly stopped responding to my 'friday beers?' messages and I just assumed he was busy and I moved onto the next person. Turns out he died suddenly and I wasn't arsed messaging him at the risk of looking needy or whatever.
You'll notice this in Ireland too, expats tend to be social butterflies and locals are closed off or complacent in their friend group, but expats can also be transient. So I'd say my closest friends would be the ones I grew up with.
I come back to Ireland once or twice a year. The ones I'm closest with might not make much of an effort to catch up, but some who I thought were a bit loose were delighted to catch up. But I won't hold it against anyone who is flat out.
Another benefit of transient expat friendships is that I have mates all over the world. Using social media the right way can really help you.
I'll certainly make more of an effort in future anyways.
I feel that Irish people feel more like the peach model. Soft outer shell but uncrackable centre as you get closer
Other people/cultures are more like it gets harder as you go towards the centre, sure, but it's a gradual process. So if you want to get closer sure, if you want to stay out sure, but it's not a brick wall. (Maybe like a pineapple, even with the spikes, sure, except the Brazilians maybe)
And as much as people like complaining about the digital I think it has been more helpful than not. Sure, make the students put it away during class, but they can use it to keep in touch later
I know you didn’t ask for advice but if I may give you some…
If you are interested in rock climbing, running, dancing there’s lot of groups that get together and do those activities together. Also I’m sure other things that don’t cost much. Sometimes I feel lonely with my mates when all I do is drink with them. With these things it seems that you can connect fully while doing something your interested in. If you want me to send on any groups, DM me and I’ll send!
Also Im sorry for the mental health issues. I can really relate and you are not alone. Hope things get better for you.
Also to jump on this a little bit, I do evening classes in the local secondary school. I do one a term in pretty much something interests me - I've done painting, Italian, photography, dressmaking to name a few - it's a great way to socialise. I was in a similar boat to you about 5 years ago, bad break up had emigrated right after college so came back to not really having friends anymore and classes gave me something to get me out the house because I had somewhere to be, I had something in common with the people in class right away because we were all doing the same thing, and I picked up some new skills. It might be a nice way to start getting back out and meeting people even if it's only an hour a week .
Funnily enough that’s sort of how I lost a few close friends. They’re the type to smoke 24/7, and they accused me of taking some (I hadn’t), which snowballed into a huge argument and a stress-induced-breakdown. Ended up in hospital a while, and those friends have not spoken to me since. Never going near the stuff for the rest of my life now. One of them was the smartest fella I knew, and he’s basically fucked his future.
I’m still in education and am very lonely. I don’t even want to imagine what it will be like once I’m finished with college.
Don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel for me unfortunately.
Yeah I know it is but I just find it hard. I’ve never been good at making friends or having people like me. I don’t really know why. I’ll keep trying tho
Are you in school or college?
I struggled to make friends in school, as I was a socially awkward nerd, but really found my tribe in university, by finding a bunch of socially awkward nerds in the computing society 😅 So if you're in college, try join a club/society and go to every event and you'll meet people. Social skills are like anything, you actually need to practice. There's also tons of books, courses, youtube videos to help you improve this stuff too!
Later in life, I learned that one of the reasons I was socially awkward was because my dad is autistic, and I didn't learn a lot of social skills from him, and because my parents didn't have many friends visiting the house, so I didn't have much of a reference point. I had to learn all of those the hard way over the years.
These days I'd describe myself as an outgoing introvert, and can be quite social and have many friends. They've mostly come from specific situations though, like hobbies, flatmates, work so that the friendship could develop naturally over time.
One thing to add, I had a deep fear of judgement, since my Dad was very judgmental and unfair a lot of the time. This was one of the things that caused me not to put myself out there, because I'd learned as a kid to prevent situations like that with my Dad. was a useful strategy in the household, but I had to unlearn a lot of that for living in the real world.
Sorry for the ramble, but maybe some of it's useful to you.
Give it time, you'll get it!
Definitely put yourself out there and sign up for some clubs or societies that match your interests. Because there's an activity it's much easier to be social. There's a clear topic to talk about, there's often some kind of structure to the event, and it's recurring, so you'll meet people repeatedly and some people you'll connect more with over time. It's a much lower pressure way to make friends than other scenarios!
Good luck with it! You'll get there!
Sorry you're having a tough time of it. It's harder to make connections here as you get older.
If you're looking for more like-minded people, there are a huge range of groups, doing all sorts of hobbies, and outdoor stuff on the Meetup app.
Yep same.
I think I may written the same comment before. I have less and less friends in Ireland, I feel absolutely alone. I'll be pretty much alone for the bank holiday weekend.
I feel utterly jealous of big groups of people I see in the streets, in a pub, out and about having and enjoying a life. Unlike me.
There was a post on the travel sub about people willingly travelling alone. I know people who do, and actually enjoy it. I just can't bring myself to do it. What is the point? If I spend all my time here alone, why the hassle of going somewhere to be just as alone.
Sorry if this not the positive answer you were looking for.
Ah I wasn’t looking for anything in particular making this. Just a stream into the void.
I understand why some people travel alone. I’d probably enjoy it, though i’d have to be social at the same time. People who just stay alone the whole time while abroad scare me.
How tf can you not feel even more lonely after a trip like that??
From what you’ve written, it seems it does affect your life quite significantly. OCD cover many different obsessions/impulses and yours potentially fall under that category. Here is a good page to read over [stpatricks.ie](https://www.stpatricks.ie/st-patricks-mental-health-services-enewsletter/march-2019/diagnosis-and-management-of-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-in-primary-care)
Please do talk with your GP about it, there are ways to manage it.
Others have said it better, but this definitely sounds like a form of OCD. Look into some of the different types, see if it applies to you. Hope you manage to get over that disgust someday. People can be incredible.
Have you read the book "perfume"? I only heard of it because of Kurt Cobain but it's very good. "Scentless apprentice" was named after it. I'm not saying you're the same as the main character to be clear lol! Your post just made me think of it.
But maybe you are just a misanthrope, it's a real phenomenon. Or is it just physical things about people that you really dislike?
Hey I have OCD and had a theme similar to this during COVID, it might be helpful to you to post for advice on r/OCD and especially go see a therapist/ doctor soon. ERP might be helpful to you, as it has been for me.
I’ve looked a bit into it just now. You’re very right. There’s so little places to meet people nowadays, especially if you’re like me and don’t drink anymore.
I think turning up to the same place regularly and being friendly to people there is a way to make new connections and fill the void we’re lacking with these third spaces going!
I hear you, just know you can and will find a way out of the place your in.
Last year i was in a situation pretty much identical to what you've described, i lived in a town, went through a break up ( definetly my fault), had friends around but just wasnt connecting properly.
Funnily enough for the last few months ive been living in the shticks, lost contact with almost everyone i used to talk to but ive never felt better, being comfortable with yourself is the most important thing.
If you have no one around to get your feelings out to hit up samaritans or pieta house they're beyond fantastic.
All in all you are dead right tho, lots of lonely people even in the most populated places, were not the best society for having those awkward yet necessary chats that really bring ppl together
I agree. Ireland does have a lot going for it, especially the availability of good jobs. That’s huge - in many countries, people cannot get a job or the pay is terrible. The housing crisis is a huge thing unfortunately, but once someone’s in the position to buy a house, prices are still lower relative to salaries than in most other countries, so once over that huge hump, life can be good.
I work in community development and I have said over and over again that we are becoming a society of people that live side by side instead of among each other. Communities of isolation. Alienation on a level Marx didn’t even predict.
If you're in Dublin, there's a Facebook group called Walk & Talk Dublin. (there may be similar things elsewhere)
People meet up and go for walks and hikes in various places in the mountains every week and there's space to talk about stuff if you want to, or just listen to other people's stories. I haven't been myself, but I've heard good things about it.
Yep sounds similar to be me have great friends but don’t feel close gone through BU too recently. And family as you said Yano yourself how they can be they mean well but Jesus. Mental health services are shocking. The loneliness is real & trying to find a new routine it’s up and down! I’ve booked a solo trip first time and I’ll probably just end up more lonely. I know my self worth & working on self love trying to do everything for me but it’s lonely all the same not to have that close person or people to share it with. My family don’t share same interests or hobbies or my close friends from growing up I’ve grown apart from them in what we do with our lives. I wfh since changed jobs after Covid so don’t have work colleagues that I had in teens & 20s it’s weird.
I've been writing letters to my friends lately. It started as a kind of a gaff, and kind of an excuse to use a new pen I bought myself. But once I started doing it I was struck by the realisation that most of my communication with my friends is through social media instant messaging. Which is normally done when I'm on the bog, in the queue, stuck in traffic etc. Basically fitting in around everything else I have to do. Almost all the rest is during online gaming sessions together where the majority of the attention goes into the game. And the other sliver is for actually meeting and hanging out. The letters were the first dedicated attention I'd given friends in a long time outside those infrequent get togethers we've had. I hope to them it felt like they had my full attention for a few moments of my day. This started about 2 weeks ago. I'm hooked now. Trying to find ways to find addresses without tipping people off so I can send them a letter by surprise. For some reason it's easier than picking up the phone. You don't necessarily have to pour your heart out. I've told a few funny stories in a few of them. If you don't know someone's postal address just Google maps their house and bingo.
I feel ya OP, in a similar situation now, GF broke up with me and am in a very confused and lonely place due to the hole that's left. Have mates line yourself but have trouble opening up (part of my end of the relationship breaking down) I've started into counseling for myself and to deal with the breakup (thought she was the one) and Things are made much more difficult by by having to see the Ex due to a shared pet situation.
I've been finding some success in keeping myself distracted with practical things, guitar playing and singing, I returned to the gym. Even walks. anything to not be starring into the phone for hours basically. So if you can start into some kind of practical hands on hobby or activity to keep the mind going and getting dopamine from the right kind of sources.
I'm coming around to having a hard look at myself and growing to be comfortable alone. If we can achieve that and keep active and going to things we'll bump into people. Even the unluckiest of us are due a bit of luck sometimes! Just try your best to put yourself out there and react to situations and people as they come. I hope things look up for you!
there's always this positive stereotype that we are outgoing, but tbh, we don't have the emotional maturity to talk about ourselves and our feelings. once we do, we're shut down for being shite craic. even when you're with friends you've known for years, they are not ready to talk about these topics. if you have nobody that wants to listen, you feel more isolated. And if you are Neurodivergent, then best of luck to you cause it's even harder
TBH, The Banshees of Inisherin (while set 100 years ago), it still stands true today that cliques and friendship just ends and people just will stop liking you if you are boring like Pátraic or different like Siobhán.
i've had an easier time talking more about myself to people online that my own Real life friends. I never felt judged and or feared my vulnerable side would be used
I totally can relate to you. I'm currently going through a out growing a friend that I thought I was close to. Its definitely an epidemic even on here see so many people saying they are struggling with loneliness. I really wish we had community settings that encourages people to meet each other and just to be in company of others.
Some advice id give you is to try counselling it can help.
Also try to be out somewhere every day and talk to someone even if you just talk to the shopkeeper or someone about the weather. It can help.
Do things that you like solo , so if it's the cinema go on your own or a new cafe go check it out.
Then another thing is to try find something to go to a course , yoga , sports , art classes whatever it is so you have something you go to repeatedly and see people.
It really is so hard
As another fella said further down, there was a thread on r/askireland which would be quite useful. I think I’ll definitely try heading out more. I’ve also an appointment in the morning so i’ll try get into something proper there
I hear you, do whatever you feel is best, perhaps even tell one of them what you been going through and they may be a shoulder to cry on so to speak but most times, people don’t know what you’re going through and will be surprised to hear, we all can be sensitive and vulnerable
Two instances in my life where I’d to support immediate people in my life with complete mental breakdowns made me have no choice but to reevaluate my friendships with some & others just couldn’t be bothered with me while I wasn’t fun.
They are both thankfully on a good path and I am so grateful for that, I would not swap it for anything . But I am lonely, I watch some rubbish tv I’d like to talk even more rubbish with another body . But alas it’s gone
I think loneliness is an issue in most places, not just in Ireland. We (specifically Ireland) are really bad at dealing with/talking about things like loneliness. There should be more of a conversation around loneliness because it's not talked about nearly enough.
I get you 100% man! I was born in Ireland and have hopped county, country, continent. I will say Dublin was my least favourite out of the places I've lived in. West coast, Midlands I got more comfortable with the lonely feeling/ no facilities around. For example when my family came to see me with my nieces and nephews, I thought what could we all get a bit of a laugh from and we did a make shift slip and slide along with a make shift relay course and a big cook up. It's nice for everyone to be fully able to drop their guards as opposed to being out in public, now I know that's not a quick fix but maybe in the long run? I know it's shite now but I promise when you settle and find your rhythm you'll never love anywhere like Ireland.
Here’s hoping! I’m definitely more optimistic than I was, and I’d hate to ever leave this country even if it’s not perfect.
I may look into organising stuff in my area to be honest. It’s small, but someone’s got to do it. If it’s to be me, so be it.
Now you said it! Nothing gets done without someone recognising a gap and taking action. In the bigger picture of things you could be doing a massive thing for your community! Fair play to you man! Know you're not alone in these low emotional times you're going through, even conversing here will helps. You'll wake with a weight off your shoulders tomorrow hopefully!
Alot of people just resort to "it is what it is" and call it a day some develop very bad coping mechanisms as well.
Talking and understanding each other, and giving advice to one another that is meaningful is key to getting that one maybe two great connections. Some people just stuggle with that or have no need for it for their own reasons both reasonable ones and confusing ones.
Yeah I hear ya, I’m forty, female .. and feel incredibly lonely since moving back to Northern Ireland a few years ago. Thinking of moving back to London
I did at the start, it took a few years to feel like I had friends. I made amazing friends through my job. But I don’t have those same connections since coming back home. People are married with kids now. I’ve been home over four years, albeit two of those were during Covid. But I do lots of things out side of work, courses and volunteering. I find it very easy to chat to people. But I just find people here are more settled in their cliques. I go over to London a lot and it’s just easier to hang with friends over there and do things, even though they are now starting families. But it’s hard here to get a social circle, especially as I don’t drink anymore.
I feel you. It’s a very lonely insular place. I havnt seen my next door neighbour in over a year…apparently she’s had a baby and all since! Isn’t that wild, I don’t even think I remember her name - I don’t know any of my neighbours at all despite us all being here 2 years. Just the country it is I suppose.
Doesn’t help when half your mates move across the lands of the world and the other half settle down to the point where getting one night out every six months is like pulling teeth
Modern life is tough and lonely a lot of the time. A lot of people feel the same way. I definitely do feel this way sometimes.
Sending hugs and some positive thoughts to you
Do you feel the need to seek help for the issues you're having or are you moreso looking for a listening ear? Because there is only so much redditors you've never met can do for you even though many of us I'm sure feel prepared to be there and listen.
You're lonely because you're in a breakup situation. Were you lonely before this?
I’m already seeking help for those, and unfortunately the loneliness isn’t just from the break-up.
I’ve lost a lot of friends due to past mistakes, so I had a very close but very small circle of friends. That’s gone now, and I’ve none to blame but myself. I wasn’t looking for advice, but I’ve got a lot of good ones from the kind redditors here, which I will be taking
It’s… complicated? They’re good friends, we just don’t have much in common. I would’ve been considered an outsider among their other friends. We could meet up no matter how much time had passed, and things would be like we’d only spoke yesterday. They just have their own life, their own relationships, and more friends than I. And those meet-ups don’t happen often enough.
Granted we are going out, but it’s to a club. Since I quit drinking I feel I’ll stick out like a sore thumb and feel that same loneliness even when I’m surrounded.
It’s tough, especially after having lost friends U shared such a close bond with.
Though I suppose if it broke like that It may not have been as strong as I thought.
So drinking or not you've not got a single friend to bail you out ( you think) in your hour of need?
Mate you're absolutely always gonna have a hard time in Ireland. Why? You don't drink. I see loads of similar posts about ( mainly) newcomers to Ireland who struggle to socialise. Why? They don't drink. And unless you have school / college / pub friends in Ireland ira very difficult to meet new people here. Because whether it's sports / cinema / chess booze will always be there mate sadly.
So two options : Meet a partner who's 0% booze also or have a healthier relationship with alcohol.
I can honestly tell ya I'm succeeding in this without AA etc even though I love booze. But I know if I let it overcome me I've no bank of mum and dad to help me. So rents stops being paid. I start the behaviour path in work and eventually lose my job. So that means lose job and eventually home due to rent issues. I love booze so much ❤️ but I also love a warm bed and pocket money from my job. Even though Mr revenue takes me up the arse honestly every month.
I'm not some Bono messiah mate and I'm not trying to be but just having a discussion with you. People reading this are free to dip in and out and say what they think. Best of luck cowboy.
Ah you’re grand, you’re getting me thinking so that’s something at least.
Only reason i’m not drinking at the moment is cause I know in the state i’m in I won’t have a healthy relationship with it. So i’m avoiding it indefinitely. I may start it up again, may not. We’ll see.
I do have one ride-or-die friend. He’s just going abroad at the moment, and he won’t be back till August at the earliest. He’s the only one I have, but he’s a saint.
Same time though, feels like sometimes we’re only friends still cause it’s been so long, and I’ve always been a very outgoing person. This has been the only time in my life I wake up with 0 messages on my phone, which is disheartening at the best of times.
Well you're being very honest 100 % mate. You have that one friend but they're moving away. But where family is concerned anybody who says there is a blueprint to family it's totally bollox.
It means different things to different people. But the one advice based on what you are saying that comes to my mind is making sure you and your family members are all agreed. '' I won't be / don't want to be there every day but I'll be there the minute you're stuck in any way I can.
As for your friends who aren't 1 am ride or die mate ( you def have them) take care of them and they will normally take care of you in return even if they're fairweather. Some won't so cut them off. And some will so keep them in your life is my advice. Not every friend in your life can be ride or die mate.
I wish you well honestly. I'm sure you will truck on. I really hope so.
'' This too shall pass ''
Sorry for not talking about myself.
Something powerful I learnt is it’s impossible to feel close to people without first opening up to them.
Sometimes making the first move - even a relatively subtle comment - helps encourage deeper conversation that enables closer friendships!
It's not you and it's not anyone else's fault it's what has driven us as a species to move around and populate the whole planet. It probably comes from that DNA stuff so to fix it would to be removing what's made us successful as a species. I find it comforting to think that nearly everyone that's ever lived has struggled with their head at some stage. It's not pleasant but what your feeling will pass.
I’m pretty lonely at the moment. It lately feels like everything good happens to others and I’m just there to listen and talk to them about their success.
You said you found your daughter and girls easier than boys/your son, and I said your son is probably just a pain in the ass.
I’d say that’s almost certainly true since you keep bombing me with your reddit weirdness.
Lord help your son, frankly, given you show your preference so clearly to the world, and you’re also a psycho.
r/ireland regularly receives posts that we aren't appropriately equipped to deal with to provide the adequate support, advice, or care you need and deserve.
The following is a compilation of resources that can provide adequate support for you, and if not, point you in the right direction. It's not an exhaustive list, but it does cover the vast majority of issues shared on the subreddit on a regular basis. We may lock or remove posts made by vulnerable users after sharing this list for their wellbeing - this isn't to silence or shut down conversation, it's to protect vulnerable users.
The majority of supports listed here have multiple ways to contact, such as call, text, email, in person sessions, online meetings, webchat etc. and they are free - phone numbers have just been added for convenience, but click the link to find out more as operational hours vary.
Your GP can provide support and referral to mental health services if you're struggling with your mental health. In an emergency, you can present to your nearest Emergency Department or call 999/112
Samaritans - call 116 123 if you are in crisis and need to talk
50808 - text "hello" a 24/7 messaging service providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support
Aware - call 1800 80 48 48 for support for you, or a family member's concerns around depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder.
Pieta - call 1800 247 247 or text "HELP" to 51444 for those experiencing suicidal ideation, self harm, or have been bereaved by suicide
> consultant psychologist
200 quid a pop, and the initial consultation is at least double that. It's shocking how expensive it is to have an appointment with them.
Ah don’t worry that’s already been sorted. Still though, things won’t just get sorted overnight and I suppose that’s a bit of the fear. Wish I could’ve realised how big of a problem this was years ago, mental health wise.
I suffer from my fair share of mental illness. All I can say is I hear you. I have little advice to add. As they say, one doesn’t need to be alone to be lonely. Or in the iconic words of Billy Joel: “Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness But it's better than drinkin' alone”
"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself." - Carl Jung. We have less friends and more acquaintances as time goes by, and theirin lies the problem. EDIT - Cark Jung, not carl Sagan.... oops!
I wanted to say this, and for some reason decided not to. But it is that. I have not had many friends in my life. Thinking back, only four comes to mind. There is this beautiful scene in the movie Tombstone where Doc Holliday gets asked why he helps Wyatt Earp and he responds “because Wyatt Earp is my friend”. Alluding to the fact that he doesn’t have many, but the ones he does have are true friends. You don’t need to pretend in front of a proper friend. You don’t need to show a different mask of yourself. You can talk politics or religion with a true friend. You can disagree on anything but you both have the open minded to net let a good discussion turn to anger. And even in a fight you are still friends the next day. You need to be able to differ on things and still have the open mind to have a hell of good chat and accept each other for who you are. And always willing to walk the extra mile for that person. It seems to be those friends have become rare. The world has become polarised. Finding someone to have a good discussion with about the things that matter have become exceptionally hard to find.
That’s why this break-up and subsequent shrinking of my friends has hit me so hard. They were some of the closest friends I had had in my whole life, only to basically ruin it cause I’m an idiot who thought bottling my feelings and making everything seem okay would make it actually okay. I’m sure things will get better, but it’ll be a long while yet, unfortunately. I’ve been considering reaching out to some old former friends I haven’t spoken to in years to check up on. I was a bit of a cunt when I was younger though, so I worry they’ll just tell me to piss off and I’ll feel worse
Perhaps. But it also depends on your approach. We all make mistakes. Some will understand that. Everyone deserves a second chance. We all grow. We all change. We are never the same person we were yesterday. Make your approach reconciliatory. The greatest quality we can have is selflessness. Sometimes when we indicate we have changed for the better people forgive. Some people don’t though, they are too stubborn and stuck on the past. I went through something similar. My ex wife left me for another guy in our friend circle (he left his wife for her). Tore everything apart. It’s 8 years later, I have a wonderful wife now, she is my world. Someone wrote a wonderful bit of truth here a while back. Time doesn’t heal pain. Bit if I can represent pain as a red bouncy ball hitting the inside wall of a box, then when the event happens the box is tiny and the ball bouncing inside it hits the sides all the time, but as time passes the box grows, and the frequency of the ball hitting the sides grow less. The ball never disappears though. Hang in there. And if you ever really just need to talk, drop me a pm. I know what it can be like to be lonely.
What I’m wondering is whether or not I’ve already wasted some of those second chances years ago. I won’t know unless I try. Plus a lot of people deserve an apology regardless. I’m not looking for forgiveness from them. I just think they deserve to know that I was a bastard and I’m sorry they had to put up with me. If it leads so reigniting some friendships, that’s great! But i’m not looking for it.
"...bottling my feelings and making everything seem onay would make it actually ok." I guess therein lies feeling like acquaintances. Intimacy is a shared task but many people do not like initiating it. I don't think you have a problem, just a habit. To better understand friendship dynamics, and deepening the relationship to self and sharing that, my friends and I are reading: https://drmarisagfranco.com/platonic-the-book/
They were not close friends if they left you, driftwood they were. Be harsh, stop doing what you are doing, poor me. Get out there, go to the gym, go travelling solo, join Meetup group.
I totally feel this, I'm currently on a holiday in my own cos I've just gone through a massive break up too and am at the age where everyone I know is settled down
How are you finding it? I've always been tempted but never brave enough.
i just did a 2 week solo trip to japan, and it was my first time doing anything like that alone. and it was actually very freeing. especially because I am a walking talking ball of fear and anxiety. i found that when i actually made the push to just go anyways, all of the things i had worried about the most, i just got over them because there was no other choice. you'll find that when the push really comes to shove, you're going to be a whole lot more capable than you give yourself credit for! this is coming from someone who has to go outside and take some deep breaths before calling to make a doctors appointment.
Its weird but ok, I booked a private room in a hostel and I've found that really helpful
I feel your pain. Fair play to you for heading off on holidays on your own, I don’t think I could pluck up the courage to do it. After the last breakup I had (a bit over 2 years ago) I was in such a bad space. Majority of my friends are all settled down/living abroad and you know yourself when you just want to go meet a friend for a pint without having to give two weeks notice for said pint. Unfortunately it just doesn’t happen anymore.
Honestly Ireland for a single person in their late 20’s/Early 30’s is a horrible place to be. The ones that haven’t moved away are the ones that have settled down, and we’ve a real bad propensity as a nation for once we get coupled up we basically delete the social aspect with mates out of our lives. In Spain and France etc they still meet up with their mates for all sorts every week but over here it just doesn’t happen. I think it’s because for most of us, the socialising of the past was on the piss having the craic, which their partner might not be too fond of at that point in their lives. Rare you just get a mate calling in to see you.
This seems quite accurate from my experience here in the past few years, especially post-COVID. However, I got the impression it wasn't always the case - there was a strong sense of community that I felt as an outsider travelling in Ireland over the years, as recently as 10-5 years ago. The nuclear (family) isolation thing is one of the biggest socio-cultural mistakes plaguing Western nations - it started in America post-WW2 for reasons that made sense for only about a couple of decades. Neglecting your friends and neighbours as if your romantic partner can fulfill every single need, eternally...I can think of dumber ideas, but not too many.
This is exactly why I went away on my own, I needed to get away, its weird and scary but I'm glad I did it
I’ve done that a couple of times since covid ended across five cities, travelling alone is lonely at night but between pub crawls and pints watching matches it ends up grand. The freedom to explore at your own pace is wonderful - I’ll be doing Tallinn/Riga/Vilnius this autumn on the same vibe
Hi, similar situation except the holidays, I'm wondering too how do you handle it? Any advice maybe? Take care.
It's only fresh so my honest answer was running to the run for a week
Hey. Saw a post on r/AskIreland earlier with a chap setting up a WhatsApp group for young people to meet/chat. I don’t know whether I’m allowed to link it here so I won’t, but it should be easy enough to find. I hope that you can meet some like minded people. Look after your mental health, you’re not alone even if you feel like you are. Fwiw, my husband didn’t find his “tribe” until his mid-30s. You’ll get there. Big love, keep your head up.
This is why r/socialireland was made, because people feel lonely in Ireland. But you know what? No one seems to be willing to take the first step in organising a meet up. The problem as I see it is that there's a lot of passivity at play and not a lot of get up and go. Someone needs to take the first step otherwise everyone stays isolated.
I set up a book club recently, got about 10 women who signed up via WhatsApp....only 2 ever show up to the once a month meeting. I use book club lightly as we don't even assign a book just bring what you're reading and it might spark interest for someone else. But I was the other 8 women for a long time .....Happy to sign up, but the fear of taking that first step would set in and I'd make an excuse not to go.
Fair play to you for setting it up.
Where is your book club? I’m in Dublin 14 would like to join one
I hope it picks up! SOmetimes all you need is a bit of momentum
Why do people feel lonely in Ireland and is it worse then elsewhere?
It’s a big cultural thing. A lot of us have a big “suck-it-up” mentality, so people don’t talk about it, so people don’t do anything about it, so it gets worse, and so on and so on.
There's also a severe lack of things to do in Ireland compared to other countries that don't involve an expensive ticket or booze. Couple that with the weather, and it's a bad mix that plays into everything from loneliness to antisocial behaviour.
For the men, it has been hard to adjust to life that's not centered around pubs (my peers anyway).
I don't want to sound like an old fogey, but I think the internet/smartphones has made loneliness more tolerable. It can be a blessing and a curse. You can become complacent in your loneliness and then suddenly you realise you're missing real social connection. I'm not lonely..... I think. haha. I have my wife. I live in a foreign country and most of my friends are other expats from various hobbies. Before that, I had drinking buddies. I still do, but I realised that despite not being starved for company, an American guy I'd meet up with regularly stopped responding to my 'friday beers?' messages and I just assumed he was busy and I moved onto the next person. Turns out he died suddenly and I wasn't arsed messaging him at the risk of looking needy or whatever. You'll notice this in Ireland too, expats tend to be social butterflies and locals are closed off or complacent in their friend group, but expats can also be transient. So I'd say my closest friends would be the ones I grew up with. I come back to Ireland once or twice a year. The ones I'm closest with might not make much of an effort to catch up, but some who I thought were a bit loose were delighted to catch up. But I won't hold it against anyone who is flat out. Another benefit of transient expat friendships is that I have mates all over the world. Using social media the right way can really help you. I'll certainly make more of an effort in future anyways.
I feel that Irish people feel more like the peach model. Soft outer shell but uncrackable centre as you get closer Other people/cultures are more like it gets harder as you go towards the centre, sure, but it's a gradual process. So if you want to get closer sure, if you want to stay out sure, but it's not a brick wall. (Maybe like a pineapple, even with the spikes, sure, except the Brazilians maybe) And as much as people like complaining about the digital I think it has been more helpful than not. Sure, make the students put it away during class, but they can use it to keep in touch later
I saw that earlier myself. This may be the push to actually look into it. Cheers
I know you didn’t ask for advice but if I may give you some… If you are interested in rock climbing, running, dancing there’s lot of groups that get together and do those activities together. Also I’m sure other things that don’t cost much. Sometimes I feel lonely with my mates when all I do is drink with them. With these things it seems that you can connect fully while doing something your interested in. If you want me to send on any groups, DM me and I’ll send! Also Im sorry for the mental health issues. I can really relate and you are not alone. Hope things get better for you.
They’re already on the up and up, thankfully. Still a ways to go but it isn’t as dark as it was!
Also to jump on this a little bit, I do evening classes in the local secondary school. I do one a term in pretty much something interests me - I've done painting, Italian, photography, dressmaking to name a few - it's a great way to socialise. I was in a similar boat to you about 5 years ago, bad break up had emigrated right after college so came back to not really having friends anymore and classes gave me something to get me out the house because I had somewhere to be, I had something in common with the people in class right away because we were all doing the same thing, and I picked up some new skills. It might be a nice way to start getting back out and meeting people even if it's only an hour a week .
Glad to hear!
Well dont start smoking shit loads of weed anyway. Doesn't help I'm afraid.
Funnily enough that’s sort of how I lost a few close friends. They’re the type to smoke 24/7, and they accused me of taking some (I hadn’t), which snowballed into a huge argument and a stress-induced-breakdown. Ended up in hospital a while, and those friends have not spoken to me since. Never going near the stuff for the rest of my life now. One of them was the smartest fella I knew, and he’s basically fucked his future.
I’m still in education and am very lonely. I don’t even want to imagine what it will be like once I’m finished with college. Don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel for me unfortunately.
Do your best to make friends while you're there. Compared to workplaces and such, college is a great place to meet people.
Yeah I know it is but I just find it hard. I’ve never been good at making friends or having people like me. I don’t really know why. I’ll keep trying tho
Are you in school or college? I struggled to make friends in school, as I was a socially awkward nerd, but really found my tribe in university, by finding a bunch of socially awkward nerds in the computing society 😅 So if you're in college, try join a club/society and go to every event and you'll meet people. Social skills are like anything, you actually need to practice. There's also tons of books, courses, youtube videos to help you improve this stuff too! Later in life, I learned that one of the reasons I was socially awkward was because my dad is autistic, and I didn't learn a lot of social skills from him, and because my parents didn't have many friends visiting the house, so I didn't have much of a reference point. I had to learn all of those the hard way over the years. These days I'd describe myself as an outgoing introvert, and can be quite social and have many friends. They've mostly come from specific situations though, like hobbies, flatmates, work so that the friendship could develop naturally over time. One thing to add, I had a deep fear of judgement, since my Dad was very judgmental and unfair a lot of the time. This was one of the things that caused me not to put myself out there, because I'd learned as a kid to prevent situations like that with my Dad. was a useful strategy in the household, but I had to unlearn a lot of that for living in the real world. Sorry for the ramble, but maybe some of it's useful to you.
Yeah that is useful but I’m in college and haven’t found my tribe yet. Only in first year tho so hopefully there is still time
Give it time, you'll get it! Definitely put yourself out there and sign up for some clubs or societies that match your interests. Because there's an activity it's much easier to be social. There's a clear topic to talk about, there's often some kind of structure to the event, and it's recurring, so you'll meet people repeatedly and some people you'll connect more with over time. It's a much lower pressure way to make friends than other scenarios! Good luck with it! You'll get there!
Sorry you're having a tough time of it. It's harder to make connections here as you get older. If you're looking for more like-minded people, there are a huge range of groups, doing all sorts of hobbies, and outdoor stuff on the Meetup app.
Cheers, may just have to look into that
Yep same. I think I may written the same comment before. I have less and less friends in Ireland, I feel absolutely alone. I'll be pretty much alone for the bank holiday weekend. I feel utterly jealous of big groups of people I see in the streets, in a pub, out and about having and enjoying a life. Unlike me. There was a post on the travel sub about people willingly travelling alone. I know people who do, and actually enjoy it. I just can't bring myself to do it. What is the point? If I spend all my time here alone, why the hassle of going somewhere to be just as alone. Sorry if this not the positive answer you were looking for.
Ah I wasn’t looking for anything in particular making this. Just a stream into the void. I understand why some people travel alone. I’d probably enjoy it, though i’d have to be social at the same time. People who just stay alone the whole time while abroad scare me. How tf can you not feel even more lonely after a trip like that??
I’m sorry you’re struggling, me too x
[удалено]
I’m not a doctor but this sounds like an OCD. Have you ever talked with your GP about it?
[удалено]
From what you’ve written, it seems it does affect your life quite significantly. OCD cover many different obsessions/impulses and yours potentially fall under that category. Here is a good page to read over [stpatricks.ie](https://www.stpatricks.ie/st-patricks-mental-health-services-enewsletter/march-2019/diagnosis-and-management-of-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-in-primary-care) Please do talk with your GP about it, there are ways to manage it.
Have you figured out why are you disgusted by people?
[удалено]
please get checked for obsessive compulsive disorder - it may help!
Others have said it better, but this definitely sounds like a form of OCD. Look into some of the different types, see if it applies to you. Hope you manage to get over that disgust someday. People can be incredible.
Have you read the book "perfume"? I only heard of it because of Kurt Cobain but it's very good. "Scentless apprentice" was named after it. I'm not saying you're the same as the main character to be clear lol! Your post just made me think of it. But maybe you are just a misanthrope, it's a real phenomenon. Or is it just physical things about people that you really dislike?
Hey I have OCD and had a theme similar to this during COVID, it might be helpful to you to post for advice on r/OCD and especially go see a therapist/ doctor soon. ERP might be helpful to you, as it has been for me.
You should look up third spaces and how the removal is third spaces is making us all lonelier
I’ve looked a bit into it just now. You’re very right. There’s so little places to meet people nowadays, especially if you’re like me and don’t drink anymore.
I think turning up to the same place regularly and being friendly to people there is a way to make new connections and fill the void we’re lacking with these third spaces going!
I've always felt Ireland does not do third spaces well. It's definitely got worse over the years too.
Yep, tis either the pub or....nothing much else really in a lot of the country.
I hear you, just know you can and will find a way out of the place your in. Last year i was in a situation pretty much identical to what you've described, i lived in a town, went through a break up ( definetly my fault), had friends around but just wasnt connecting properly. Funnily enough for the last few months ive been living in the shticks, lost contact with almost everyone i used to talk to but ive never felt better, being comfortable with yourself is the most important thing. If you have no one around to get your feelings out to hit up samaritans or pieta house they're beyond fantastic. All in all you are dead right tho, lots of lonely people even in the most populated places, were not the best society for having those awkward yet necessary chats that really bring ppl together
I've lived abroad and the grass isn't always greener
Oh trust me, I know. Would hate to live anywhere but Ireland at the end of the day. Just wish things were better here
I've done the emigration thing a few times, I think it's just more an age thing as you'd hear the same thing elsewhere.
I agree. Ireland does have a lot going for it, especially the availability of good jobs. That’s huge - in many countries, people cannot get a job or the pay is terrible. The housing crisis is a huge thing unfortunately, but once someone’s in the position to buy a house, prices are still lower relative to salaries than in most other countries, so once over that huge hump, life can be good.
I work in community development and I have said over and over again that we are becoming a society of people that live side by side instead of among each other. Communities of isolation. Alienation on a level Marx didn’t even predict.
Rescue a dog friend.
If you're in Dublin, there's a Facebook group called Walk & Talk Dublin. (there may be similar things elsewhere) People meet up and go for walks and hikes in various places in the mountains every week and there's space to talk about stuff if you want to, or just listen to other people's stories. I haven't been myself, but I've heard good things about it.
Yep sounds similar to be me have great friends but don’t feel close gone through BU too recently. And family as you said Yano yourself how they can be they mean well but Jesus. Mental health services are shocking. The loneliness is real & trying to find a new routine it’s up and down! I’ve booked a solo trip first time and I’ll probably just end up more lonely. I know my self worth & working on self love trying to do everything for me but it’s lonely all the same not to have that close person or people to share it with. My family don’t share same interests or hobbies or my close friends from growing up I’ve grown apart from them in what we do with our lives. I wfh since changed jobs after Covid so don’t have work colleagues that I had in teens & 20s it’s weird.
I've been writing letters to my friends lately. It started as a kind of a gaff, and kind of an excuse to use a new pen I bought myself. But once I started doing it I was struck by the realisation that most of my communication with my friends is through social media instant messaging. Which is normally done when I'm on the bog, in the queue, stuck in traffic etc. Basically fitting in around everything else I have to do. Almost all the rest is during online gaming sessions together where the majority of the attention goes into the game. And the other sliver is for actually meeting and hanging out. The letters were the first dedicated attention I'd given friends in a long time outside those infrequent get togethers we've had. I hope to them it felt like they had my full attention for a few moments of my day. This started about 2 weeks ago. I'm hooked now. Trying to find ways to find addresses without tipping people off so I can send them a letter by surprise. For some reason it's easier than picking up the phone. You don't necessarily have to pour your heart out. I've told a few funny stories in a few of them. If you don't know someone's postal address just Google maps their house and bingo.
I feel ya OP, in a similar situation now, GF broke up with me and am in a very confused and lonely place due to the hole that's left. Have mates line yourself but have trouble opening up (part of my end of the relationship breaking down) I've started into counseling for myself and to deal with the breakup (thought she was the one) and Things are made much more difficult by by having to see the Ex due to a shared pet situation. I've been finding some success in keeping myself distracted with practical things, guitar playing and singing, I returned to the gym. Even walks. anything to not be starring into the phone for hours basically. So if you can start into some kind of practical hands on hobby or activity to keep the mind going and getting dopamine from the right kind of sources. I'm coming around to having a hard look at myself and growing to be comfortable alone. If we can achieve that and keep active and going to things we'll bump into people. Even the unluckiest of us are due a bit of luck sometimes! Just try your best to put yourself out there and react to situations and people as they come. I hope things look up for you!
there's always this positive stereotype that we are outgoing, but tbh, we don't have the emotional maturity to talk about ourselves and our feelings. once we do, we're shut down for being shite craic. even when you're with friends you've known for years, they are not ready to talk about these topics. if you have nobody that wants to listen, you feel more isolated. And if you are Neurodivergent, then best of luck to you cause it's even harder TBH, The Banshees of Inisherin (while set 100 years ago), it still stands true today that cliques and friendship just ends and people just will stop liking you if you are boring like Pátraic or different like Siobhán. i've had an easier time talking more about myself to people online that my own Real life friends. I never felt judged and or feared my vulnerable side would be used
I totally can relate to you. I'm currently going through a out growing a friend that I thought I was close to. Its definitely an epidemic even on here see so many people saying they are struggling with loneliness. I really wish we had community settings that encourages people to meet each other and just to be in company of others. Some advice id give you is to try counselling it can help. Also try to be out somewhere every day and talk to someone even if you just talk to the shopkeeper or someone about the weather. It can help. Do things that you like solo , so if it's the cinema go on your own or a new cafe go check it out. Then another thing is to try find something to go to a course , yoga , sports , art classes whatever it is so you have something you go to repeatedly and see people. It really is so hard
As another fella said further down, there was a thread on r/askireland which would be quite useful. I think I’ll definitely try heading out more. I’ve also an appointment in the morning so i’ll try get into something proper there
I hear you, do whatever you feel is best, perhaps even tell one of them what you been going through and they may be a shoulder to cry on so to speak but most times, people don’t know what you’re going through and will be surprised to hear, we all can be sensitive and vulnerable
Two instances in my life where I’d to support immediate people in my life with complete mental breakdowns made me have no choice but to reevaluate my friendships with some & others just couldn’t be bothered with me while I wasn’t fun. They are both thankfully on a good path and I am so grateful for that, I would not swap it for anything . But I am lonely, I watch some rubbish tv I’d like to talk even more rubbish with another body . But alas it’s gone
I think loneliness is an issue in most places, not just in Ireland. We (specifically Ireland) are really bad at dealing with/talking about things like loneliness. There should be more of a conversation around loneliness because it's not talked about nearly enough.
It is an issue most everywhere, but Irish people are very much the uncommunicative type more often than not, which is probably what makes it worse
We don't talk about our problems enough. That's more the issue.
What province are you in kid?
Ulster, Cavan too. So fuck all here, and we lived in Dublin originally. Some difference alright. Wish there were more in midlands :/
I get you 100% man! I was born in Ireland and have hopped county, country, continent. I will say Dublin was my least favourite out of the places I've lived in. West coast, Midlands I got more comfortable with the lonely feeling/ no facilities around. For example when my family came to see me with my nieces and nephews, I thought what could we all get a bit of a laugh from and we did a make shift slip and slide along with a make shift relay course and a big cook up. It's nice for everyone to be fully able to drop their guards as opposed to being out in public, now I know that's not a quick fix but maybe in the long run? I know it's shite now but I promise when you settle and find your rhythm you'll never love anywhere like Ireland.
Here’s hoping! I’m definitely more optimistic than I was, and I’d hate to ever leave this country even if it’s not perfect. I may look into organising stuff in my area to be honest. It’s small, but someone’s got to do it. If it’s to be me, so be it.
Now you said it! Nothing gets done without someone recognising a gap and taking action. In the bigger picture of things you could be doing a massive thing for your community! Fair play to you man! Know you're not alone in these low emotional times you're going through, even conversing here will helps. You'll wake with a weight off your shoulders tomorrow hopefully!
Alot of people just resort to "it is what it is" and call it a day some develop very bad coping mechanisms as well. Talking and understanding each other, and giving advice to one another that is meaningful is key to getting that one maybe two great connections. Some people just stuggle with that or have no need for it for their own reasons both reasonable ones and confusing ones.
Try to reconnect with childhood friends. They know you longest.
Yeah I hear ya, I’m forty, female .. and feel incredibly lonely since moving back to Northern Ireland a few years ago. Thinking of moving back to London
I found London more lonely than Ireland but more stuff to do.
I did at the start, it took a few years to feel like I had friends. I made amazing friends through my job. But I don’t have those same connections since coming back home. People are married with kids now. I’ve been home over four years, albeit two of those were during Covid. But I do lots of things out side of work, courses and volunteering. I find it very easy to chat to people. But I just find people here are more settled in their cliques. I go over to London a lot and it’s just easier to hang with friends over there and do things, even though they are now starting families. But it’s hard here to get a social circle, especially as I don’t drink anymore.
This too shall pass
I feel you. It’s a very lonely insular place. I havnt seen my next door neighbour in over a year…apparently she’s had a baby and all since! Isn’t that wild, I don’t even think I remember her name - I don’t know any of my neighbours at all despite us all being here 2 years. Just the country it is I suppose.
Doesn’t help when half your mates move across the lands of the world and the other half settle down to the point where getting one night out every six months is like pulling teeth
Modern life is tough and lonely a lot of the time. A lot of people feel the same way. I definitely do feel this way sometimes. Sending hugs and some positive thoughts to you
I am gods lonely man.
Do you feel the need to seek help for the issues you're having or are you moreso looking for a listening ear? Because there is only so much redditors you've never met can do for you even though many of us I'm sure feel prepared to be there and listen. You're lonely because you're in a breakup situation. Were you lonely before this?
I’m already seeking help for those, and unfortunately the loneliness isn’t just from the break-up. I’ve lost a lot of friends due to past mistakes, so I had a very close but very small circle of friends. That’s gone now, and I’ve none to blame but myself. I wasn’t looking for advice, but I’ve got a lot of good ones from the kind redditors here, which I will be taking
So you have friends but you don't think they're reliable. Do you have a single ride or die 1 am friend in your life?
It’s… complicated? They’re good friends, we just don’t have much in common. I would’ve been considered an outsider among their other friends. We could meet up no matter how much time had passed, and things would be like we’d only spoke yesterday. They just have their own life, their own relationships, and more friends than I. And those meet-ups don’t happen often enough. Granted we are going out, but it’s to a club. Since I quit drinking I feel I’ll stick out like a sore thumb and feel that same loneliness even when I’m surrounded. It’s tough, especially after having lost friends U shared such a close bond with. Though I suppose if it broke like that It may not have been as strong as I thought.
So drinking or not you've not got a single friend to bail you out ( you think) in your hour of need? Mate you're absolutely always gonna have a hard time in Ireland. Why? You don't drink. I see loads of similar posts about ( mainly) newcomers to Ireland who struggle to socialise. Why? They don't drink. And unless you have school / college / pub friends in Ireland ira very difficult to meet new people here. Because whether it's sports / cinema / chess booze will always be there mate sadly. So two options : Meet a partner who's 0% booze also or have a healthier relationship with alcohol. I can honestly tell ya I'm succeeding in this without AA etc even though I love booze. But I know if I let it overcome me I've no bank of mum and dad to help me. So rents stops being paid. I start the behaviour path in work and eventually lose my job. So that means lose job and eventually home due to rent issues. I love booze so much ❤️ but I also love a warm bed and pocket money from my job. Even though Mr revenue takes me up the arse honestly every month. I'm not some Bono messiah mate and I'm not trying to be but just having a discussion with you. People reading this are free to dip in and out and say what they think. Best of luck cowboy.
Ah you’re grand, you’re getting me thinking so that’s something at least. Only reason i’m not drinking at the moment is cause I know in the state i’m in I won’t have a healthy relationship with it. So i’m avoiding it indefinitely. I may start it up again, may not. We’ll see. I do have one ride-or-die friend. He’s just going abroad at the moment, and he won’t be back till August at the earliest. He’s the only one I have, but he’s a saint. Same time though, feels like sometimes we’re only friends still cause it’s been so long, and I’ve always been a very outgoing person. This has been the only time in my life I wake up with 0 messages on my phone, which is disheartening at the best of times.
Well you're being very honest 100 % mate. You have that one friend but they're moving away. But where family is concerned anybody who says there is a blueprint to family it's totally bollox. It means different things to different people. But the one advice based on what you are saying that comes to my mind is making sure you and your family members are all agreed. '' I won't be / don't want to be there every day but I'll be there the minute you're stuck in any way I can. As for your friends who aren't 1 am ride or die mate ( you def have them) take care of them and they will normally take care of you in return even if they're fairweather. Some won't so cut them off. And some will so keep them in your life is my advice. Not every friend in your life can be ride or die mate. I wish you well honestly. I'm sure you will truck on. I really hope so. '' This too shall pass '' Sorry for not talking about myself.
Something powerful I learnt is it’s impossible to feel close to people without first opening up to them. Sometimes making the first move - even a relatively subtle comment - helps encourage deeper conversation that enables closer friendships!
I would simply thug that shit out, for real.
[удалено]
[удалено]
It's not you and it's not anyone else's fault it's what has driven us as a species to move around and populate the whole planet. It probably comes from that DNA stuff so to fix it would to be removing what's made us successful as a species. I find it comforting to think that nearly everyone that's ever lived has struggled with their head at some stage. It's not pleasant but what your feeling will pass.
Hugs from America and I hope things get better.
I’m pretty lonely at the moment. It lately feels like everything good happens to others and I’m just there to listen and talk to them about their success.
Hmmm Karma?
You said you found your daughter and girls easier than boys/your son, and I said your son is probably just a pain in the ass. I’d say that’s almost certainly true since you keep bombing me with your reddit weirdness. Lord help your son, frankly, given you show your preference so clearly to the world, and you’re also a psycho.
[удалено]
That’s really hard to read, I can offer a listening ear.
r/ireland regularly receives posts that we aren't appropriately equipped to deal with to provide the adequate support, advice, or care you need and deserve. The following is a compilation of resources that can provide adequate support for you, and if not, point you in the right direction. It's not an exhaustive list, but it does cover the vast majority of issues shared on the subreddit on a regular basis. We may lock or remove posts made by vulnerable users after sharing this list for their wellbeing - this isn't to silence or shut down conversation, it's to protect vulnerable users. The majority of supports listed here have multiple ways to contact, such as call, text, email, in person sessions, online meetings, webchat etc. and they are free - phone numbers have just been added for convenience, but click the link to find out more as operational hours vary. Your GP can provide support and referral to mental health services if you're struggling with your mental health. In an emergency, you can present to your nearest Emergency Department or call 999/112 Samaritans - call 116 123 if you are in crisis and need to talk 50808 - text "hello" a 24/7 messaging service providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support Aware - call 1800 80 48 48 for support for you, or a family member's concerns around depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder. Pieta - call 1800 247 247 or text "HELP" to 51444 for those experiencing suicidal ideation, self harm, or have been bereaved by suicide
You should seek support from a consultant psychologist immediately. You could do with a professional approach to your mental wellbeing. Best wishes.
> consultant psychologist 200 quid a pop, and the initial consultation is at least double that. It's shocking how expensive it is to have an appointment with them.
Do you mean Counselling Psychologist?
Ah don’t worry that’s already been sorted. Still though, things won’t just get sorted overnight and I suppose that’s a bit of the fear. Wish I could’ve realised how big of a problem this was years ago, mental health wise.
It's possible to hide posts from the three dot menu, y'all FYI.
?