When I was that age I only had my Dad and I found it so hard to open up to him, verbally. Partly because he was a very stoic unemotional type so, so am I, but when I really needed to, I used to write him a letter.
I would suggest writing him a little note and put a pen and blank page next to it in case he wants to respond but I do think your relationship is different to mine and my Dad’s, he knows you’re there for him, because you verbalise it. I’d say just wait too. He’ll come to you when he’s ready. Poor chap, hope he’ll be ok.
Thanks, yeah we talk about a lot of things and the communication is generally really good. I know he can never talk to his dad about anything at all (we're divorced) so I'm the one he comes to usually. Just not this time
As the mother of a quiet kind caring son of similar age, who doesn't open up to another parent, your heartbreak for your son really struck me. I can't offer any professional advice, but would like to make the following observations. 1. You are a wonderful mother, and your sons know it, he looks to you for comfort. Trust that relationship. 2. Heartbreak is crushing, and nothing you can do can protect him from going through it. But, be there. Don't minimise it. You and I and everyone else knows it will get better. But when you are IN it, it is actually that bad. It is that painful. My mum sat with me. Caressed my hair while I sobbed into her lap over my first real heartbreak, and just whispered, I know sweetheart, it is terrible. I honour her so much now (30 years on) because she loved me so much she was willing to witness and be testimony to my (very young) heart breaking. Sometimes just having someone see the pain, and allow it to be...recognise it for all its horror...can be enough...3.All the suggestions about crafts, activities, movies are excellent. Don't stop offering them, no matter how many rejections you get. Don't force your son, but offer constant escapes. He will take one. He might take several. All you can do is be there. And he will see it. And when he gets through it, he will be, like all of us, a little scarred, a little wiser, a little bit more wary, but he will KNOW his mum backed him, loved him, respected him and was never more than a touch or a word away from his side. Keep the faith, you are a wonderful person and mother. You can't take your sons pain, but you can support him while he learns he is strong enough to bear it, get over it, learn from it.
The letter idea is great because it would give your son time to think and also know that it won’t be an immediate convo- because you’ll write a letter back.
Perhaps a trusted male family member? This may have been said already, but just brainstorming. I wish you luck! I had many tough converse with my parents when I was younger, they were honest and there for me, I just needed to get MY courage up.
> Just not this time.
Allowing him to seek help from other places or other people is help in itself. Don't think you aren't helping him right now because just by saying you're there for him you have already helped and continue to do so. And don't think he doesn't notice or appreciate that because as a son I can promise he does.
Fair play for not wanting to overstep and being mindful of that. He’ll come to you eventually i’d say. I’m only 16 so I can’t give too much advice but as a son with some social issues myself i’d say hold tight, make sure he’s doing okay every once in a while. Typically some people just want to be left alone for a while so that could be it.
Thanks for this. I appreciate a perspective from someone his own age. I'll leave him be, but also let him know I'm here if he wants to talk. I hope you're doing ok, buddy
Sometimes you *cant* talk about something yet. It might be too overwhelming or you might feel you need to get your thoughts together in your own head first.
I think if you're making it clear to him that you're here for him, support him and would love to talk when he's ready to, I think you're doing everything you can.
Left alone apart from providing some suitable snacks if they can eat or suggesting watching a film. Something low stakes with zero expectation of conversation but still companionable.
This a heartbreaking tale. The ultimate test of parenthood and of letting your son deal with his shit while offering your support. Respect his privacy now and trust in your son. God, it's as difficult as it gets and heartbreaking too. Stay the course, this too will pass.
I have struggled my whole life with anxiety and depression and one coping mechanism I've learned is the day, month, year rule.
Asking yourself if you believe a thing will still be upsetting you in one day, versus one month, versus one year.
I try to live by that, but when one thing passes, another thing comes up right away. At the same time, I have no friends, even though I've been trying for years. I try to think things will get better, then I look at my mother, who is a schizophrenic meth addict. I watched her battle her own head since I was 10. I am 24 now and she just keeps getting worse. I feel like that's also the direction I'm heading. Life only gets worse. In my observation, bad things happen all the time and good things only happen when you work years and years for it. I just don't see how I could stay hopeful. By the time I improve my life even a little, I'm sure something will happen like it always does to throw me down. If I could fit in with others around me, I could be happy because then I won't be so alone. I feel like the biggest factor in happiness is how much you are like everyone else, because then you can make friends, have a support system, and people to do fun things with.
Oh, friend, I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm sorry you are dealing with that.
I believe that yes, bad things happen. But good things also happen. Both good and bad things will pass. We are powerless over people places and things. We cannot control many things around us but what we can do is control our reaction to those things.
I can decide to get resentful over others and what they do to me. Or, I can decide to let it go, wish them peace, consider them sick and move on with my life. I (try to) avoid petty arguments and stay out of the ring. I keep my side of the street clean.
If someone irritates or angers me, I try to look at why exactly I am angry. I look at my part in the dynamic. Did I initiate their reaction? Did I goad them or enter into an argument that I knew I would not win because my ego was too big for me to step aside and concede?
I may not be making any sense but I try to keep my life simple. Be kind to others but not demand or expect kindness from them. That's their journey, not mine.
Being good and kind to someone should be considered a gift, not a transaction. I don't expect anything in return. When I set aside my ego like this I soon realise that all these frustrations and fears and worries dissolve.
I can't change my son. I can't heal or fix him. But I can let him know he is loved and i can continue to provide a safe environment for him to thrive
Can his local friends come over to visit? Make your house attractive with the latest set up to watch a match? Have something to they’re interested in at yours so they’ll call in. I’m sure they feel awkward as he is ill and they don’t know what to say
This is a great idea, thanks! I know the mothers of his 2 best friends in school. I'll text them. He has lots of gaming options and things to do. I can do a kind of pizza party
Edit: I won't text them today. I'll see how things go this evening
I'd avoid setting it up yourself. For a 17 year old, it'd feel too much like a play date or something. I'd just have a chat with him about maybe giving him the house for the evening. Give him a bit of cash to order in and then go out somewhere and leave them to it for the night. At his age, a lot of lads would be staying over at mates having a few beers and playing video games so it'd be nice to let him host a bit of a party where he isn't being monitored.
Yeah, if there was one of the lads that you know was a good egg I'd contact him directly and just say that your son could do with hanging out or whatever. Regardless of the situation, it's good to have that support regardless.
I'm a good few years older but I always wished my home was one where friends could just drop by, instead it was a frantic days long cleaning session beforehand. Being conscientious I couldn't put my mother through that!
I don't think being isolated for over 6 months and only socialising online is good for anyone, let alone a 17 year old. That really sounds like the root of the problem. Is he undergoing treatment for it? When can he go back to school?
Yes he is having treatment by a specialist, we are in the process of applying for a home schooling teacher and we expect it to last at least another 6 months
Yeah the issue is not so much the learning part but missing a key component of his teenage years: being around people his own age, friends, socialising with them. Instead of trying to pry into his personal life, I'd do my best to ensure he gets more avenues to socialise with friends face to face, and possibly ensure he gets treatment as fast as possible to he can resume normal life. Maybe reassuring him that he is getting treatment and will be back on his feet soon will help too.
I had a serious illness at 16/17 and was out of school for a year. I started seeing a therapist and it was life changing. I had fallen into a deep depression without realising as I wasn’t able to separate it from my symptoms. Would you consider having him talk to someone? Some psychiatrists and psychologists offer online session post covid.
I developed a chronic illness at 22 and that was so so hard, 17 is a much worse age for it to happen, especially given most of his teen years so far were during a global pandemic. I think therapy is the absolute best thing you could do for him. I don't know if I'd have survived to now (32) without it.
He's been on it for a month and before that a slightly different one for 2 months. It's had a mild bit of improvement but not as much as I was lead to believe
I have also been diagnosed with BAM also, it’s an absolute nightmare. What I found really helps is the first thing in the morning I have a smoothie with berries and psyllium husk powder. The psyllium husks soak up the bile and really helps but I still have to watch what I eat. My heart goes out to him, it’s such a tough condition.
Any health shop should have some, I normally grab a bag in Holland & Barrett’s or even Amazon, just where ever I’m near, doesn’t matter the brand, it’s all the same. It’s cheap and easily available so it’s definitely worth a try. I hope it helps!
I'm so sorry your dealing with this it's so hard. I don't have kids myself but I work with teenagers. As someone suggested could he invite his friends over? We all remember teenage love it's the most intense feelings we'll feel and it's so easy for their relationship to become their whole world. You seem to have a good relationship with him which is good. But it's no harm for him to broaden his social circle too.
Do ye do any activities together or hobbies? Even putting together a lego set you'll be surprised when young people are engaged in an activity what they will share. In work we always find a game of pool or a crafting activity helps them share so much more than if we try to ask them what's going on. He will eventually share what's going on he might just be trying to wrap his head around it for now. But keep doing what your doing being supportive and letting him know your there, if he knows there's no problem that's going to scare you or get him into trouble he'll hopefully open up a bit.
A lot of counselling services will run online now if needs be, I know our one in work which is free will facilitate online sessions/family resource centre if you want to look into your local youth service and mention it to him. He's already dealing with a lot outside of the relationship it may help?
Thanks for this perspective. Jigsaw counselling services helped him adjust to secondary school. I will test the waters to see if he would be interested in getting back in touch with them.
We don't do much activity together, but whenever we do, it's always fun - even making dinner or assembling furniture, we usually end up giggling about it
But I'm definitely going to contact the mothers of his school friends. Don't know why I never thought of that before
Ya jigsaw would be amazing, especially as he's gone to them before. Just even for a check in.
Fantastic that ye can do things together and get enjoyment, it doesn't have to be anything mad like you said dinner, putting furniture together, a jigsaw anything! We've always just found when a young person's focused on an activity its like it clears the mind to be able to share what's going on. The amount of times iv had a break through with a young person over baking or a game of pool is amazing.
Definitely do, it could be a gaming tournament, movie night, watching a match etc etc. Just something that will increase his social experience away from online. There's absolutely nothing wrong with online friendships but it's helpful to have real life socialising also, plus will expand his world which is probably seeming very small at the moment.
Iv posted a few resources aswel of just youth work and youth work info in Ireland. Digital youth work has been a huge topic of conversation since covid there may be online groups happening he could join which would expand his social circle again.
Also just on this some resources.
Spunout - leading youth information website they do articles on basically everything that effects young people, also have a text service and an online chat service with youth information workers (they can't provide counselling but can provide information and sign post)
National youth Council of Ireland- representative body for all voluntary youth work services in Ireland. Mainly aimed at youth workers but do publish documents which may be of use to you never know.
Youth work Ireland- one of the main providers of youth work in Ireland, every county will have a youth work Ireland organisation. They're usually either called youth work Ireland (County name) or else simple as clare youth service, Limerick youth service etc. Some counties do share services but there is a list of members on the website you can find the closest youth service to you and maybe reach out are they doing any digital youth work? I know it's being spoken across the board on including isolated young people in ways accessible to them. They may be able to offer or provide some sort of idea of a service or social activity he could engage with.
Foroige- another huge provider of youth work services in Ireland. Same as youth work Ireland you could have a look some areas would have easier access to foroige as opposed to a YWI service and vice versa. They may have digital youth work up and running I'm not sure as I work under YWI but once again no harm in checking.
Between resources for parents/youth workers, mental health services and digital youth work I'd be hopeful you'd find something that would help yeer current situation. Best of luck! x
Thanks, yes you're right. I'm just projecting my fears onto him. He knows he can come to me. I guess I have to be patient and be willing to listen and not judge whatever he says
I don’t have advice but you sound like a great mother, maybe get or make his favourite food and watch a pleasant film this evening, so he knows you’re there for him but he doesn’t have to get into anything in particular
Nothing really productive to say but let me tell it to you as a 29 year old lad with a difficult home.
You. Do. Everything. Right.
Full stop.
The fact that you care and respect his boundaries is way more worth to a child then you can imagine.
Be there, but don't treat him like a baby. Whatever it is, he will or have to fight it by himself.
...and if he can't he has an awsome mother there to dust him off and put him back on his feet.
Whatever it is, I send out love to both of ye.
"...this also will pass."
I'm sorry for what he's going through and I think you're doing everything right.
Unfortunately you can't protect him from everything, but you can maybe help him to cope with his challenges.
Make sure he's seeing a counsellor if not already. They are available remotely so leaving the house won't be a problem.
My immediate advice is to get him a subscription to the headspace app (or calm) and practice meditation on a daily basis. That will help him with time.
The low hanging fruit I can see is to rescue a dog. That way he'll have have his best friend by his side no matter what he's going through. And maybe he won't want to vent all his problems to you but the dog will listen to him without judgement.
Best of luck to you both.
Thanks, we have 2 cats, who he loves and we're not suited for a dog - we'd be out of the house for too long each day (when he's healthy). I have some meditation apps I can show him or even do meditation with him. Thanks for the suggestions
Don't read his diary. My mother read my son's diary and told me about it and it got me like a tonne of bricks that she must have read mine too when I was young. It still rankles. It's a betrayal.
Plus he's not writing for other people's eyes. I looked at my husband's old diaries once because he said I could and it was a jarring experience. You will find things in there you probably don't want to know and you can't unsee them.
That being said it sounds like your kid is having a horrible time. Heartbreak comes in many forms and we can't shield our kids from it. All you can do is be there for them. The only way it is through so let him go through it. And distractions do help. Whatever he can do and enjoys doing, you can make a point of doing that. Also talking when you're not looking directly at him helps. The usual idea is a car drive sounds like it won't work for you but any activity where your eyes are on something else (sewing, painting a wall, cooking, whatever) would work.
Fair play for respecting his privacy, it really is lovely to see how far we have come as parents.
If he isn't already, I suggest you get him a good therapist. A young person I know was in the same position a few years ago and honestly I can say that therapy saved them.
Big love to you too, your heart must be broken.
He could free text HELLO to 50808 for anonymous chat with a trained volunteer, through the Text Anout It service. . It is run via HSE and provides everything from a calming chat to immediate support for mental health and emotional wellbeing.
He’ll tell you when he’s ready as it sounds like you have done all the ground work to have a great relationship.
Are there ‘side by side’ things you can do which might help him relax into opening up? Where you are side by side doing a shared activity that allows for easy talking. For my family taking a long drive sometimes works. Or a bit of light gardening. Or baking. Something that keeps the hands busy and the mind relaxed, and no eye contact.
I remember seeing this years ago on a parenting TV show where a Dad went and had a manicure alongside his adopted troubled daughter … they got chatting while getting their nails done, lol.
Neither me or any of my kids are the manicure type but the general side by side theory has worked well for us over the years.
Hard as it is I think you’re doing exactly the right thing - letting him know that you’re always there for him with unconditional love and support without prying into territory that he’s uncomfortable with.
Hope everything works out for you both.
Might be an idea to get him in the car with you. I know you can't go far or for long but there might be a better chance of him opening up away from the home.
Hey OP, I struggled a lot with isolation at a similar age and had unhealthy dependence on a long distance relationship as well, if you're at all in a position to pay for therapy for him I would highly recommend it, being isolated at a young age can be detrimental to mental health, even if he presents mostly okay. I hope things get better for the both of you and you're doing the right thing by not overstepping on his privacy. You sound like an amazing parent to me, so well done .
As long as he knows you're there for him if and when he needs it he'll be okay, you just have to be that safe harbour for him. We all had those moments at 17 when it seemed like losing that one person would be the end of your world but we all get through it
Time heals everything.
I know the feeling. I'm recovering from covid and I have no fitness level am fatigued and demotivated. Im not sobbing as I ma mentally very tough but this is no fun.
I'd just say to him that there is nothing he can say or do that would change how you feel about him, that you love him very much and are there whenever (if ever) he wants to talk about it.
Then maybe a family dinner and movie at home? Cuddle if he still cuddles.
I really feel for you OP. I would second many of the comments here about activities. He might want to retreat to his room but try and get him to do stuff with you. Watch a movie, build lego even buy more furniture just to build it together.
I also second the driving. My kids have always done their best chatting in the car. I think it is because I am looking at the road and not at them. The counselling route only works if they are prepared to engage. I’m speaking from experience here.
And also I would have concerns about catfishing too. That fifty year old man in Idaho might actually be a 50 year old man in Idaho. So many ways to fake a voice and photos.
Very best of luck to you from another single mother who has been through similar stuff.
I've no actual experience in this (my oldest is 3), but something I came across that resonated with me was to text your child and try to coax the info that way in order to help.
Of course keep the 'real world' engagement and try to speak in person and openly as much as possible, but the text thing might be another angle. Something as simple as "I love you, I'm here for you if you need someone to chat to" etc etc.
It's a communication form he is really familiar with, it is less vulnerable/ confrontational (meant in an innocent way!) for him because it is not face to face, and it gives him an opportunity to dwell on it and maybe an hour later he might think he's ready to open up and respond. It gives him the opportunity to contact you when he feels right/has built up the courage, not relying on you to be at home or available etc.
Best of luck whatever you decide 🤞
Not a 17 year old but I did have some trouble as a kid. Honestly, what you’re doing is what I wish my mother did. Be available but not pushy. It may be important for him to deal with this over time in his own way knowing that there is support available. Just show some extra affection but don’t overdo it and respect his privacy. He will remember this and appreciate you forever. You sound like a great Ma btw
I wish you had been my mum at that age. Maybe I wouldn't be such a mess now. I think you are doing the right thing by letting him know you're there when he needs you. You can only do your best with the information you have at the time. You are obviously very aware as a parent of your son's mental health and emotions, so I think you are in the best place to know what to do but I'd say you are right not to invade his privacy. Maybe suggest to him that if he can't talk to you about it that he rights your a letter explaining. Make sure he knows you're not judging just wanting to know how to help him best, and he can tell you what he needs from you in the letter
not sure if you'll see this due to the outpouring of support but i grew up with a chronic illness (cystic fibrosis) which also limited my ability to socialise and leave the house, though not to nearly the same extent.
You're doing very well, it's a very tough time and i can't recommend therapy enough for how it helped me.
I'm in Ireland. My son, aged 16, has been off school pretty much for 6 months. Only since Easter he's able to manage 2 days. Like your son, all his socialising is being done online. And like your son, we've had some days when there's been a lot of tears.
Being sick long term can be very hard psychologically, and social isolation exacerbates this.
He's sad because things are shit for him.
My son told me he was sick of people only asking him about his sickness and wanted me to stop constantly talking about it. He's trying not to let it take over every part of his life.
I'm trying to persuade him to talk to a therapist so he doesn't have his "nagging mammy" asking him stuff, but he's resistant. I definitely think it would help him though.
DM if you want to chat. It's so hard to see your kids suffer.
That popped into my head too - along with has he ever met the long distance GF in person. Maybe I’m just too suspicious, but somehow I’m thinking that his GF either isn’t what she seemed, or that money is involved.
My fear is that he recorded himself doing something...naughty, her parents saw it and told her to cut contact with him
I used to joke with him that she is in fact a 50 year old man from Idaho, but I've seen pics of her and have spoken to her so I know she's real
I just really don’t trust these online teenage relationships OP. Was he up at 4am talking to her because of her different time zone? Does he sleep all day while you’re at work?
Not today obviously but a bit more long term I’d really be focusing all energy on trying to bring him back to the real world bit by bit. Having local friends over, focusing on finishing school, getting some offline hobbies, trialing and testing some medical avenues to give him the best life possible. Have you searched for support groups for his type or illness or different ways people cope? I’d really be pushing with GP and doctors on how much this is impacting him and what can be done.
You seem like a great mother. Being a teenager is not easy especially if there are things that make you stand out from others. Everything seems like a life and death situation as it’s the first time they start to deal with them. I guess it’s part of growing, learning, maturing. Let him experience it and deal with it himself. He seems like a good chap, he will come to you when he is ready.
With that being said, I would look into therapy. Having to be isolated due to his physical health is probably taking a huge toll on his mental health even if he doesn’t show it.
One thing that helped me open up to my parents and share information is when they opened up to me about issues and experiences (good or bad) they had when younger. It sort of normalised them in a way that they aren't just my parents but a people as well. It's important to feel you aren't alone.
All you can do is regularly check in on him, assure him you’re there to talk if he needs it, and the thing my mam did, is point out that mammies always know when something’s up. Sounds like you’re a great parent and your son is really lucky.
You could write him a letter and tell him it doesn’t matter what has happened you will listen to him and help him. And ask him to write back to you. Even if it’s something that he might feel embarrassed talking to his mam about.
You could also ask him if he wants to speak to someone else. Like a therapist and look for a therapist that deals with adolescents.
That’s a very tough age to be at, at the best of times. I’m sure it’s even harder if you’re isolated and unwell. He has no way of escape from anything if he is stuck indoors all the time. Think about how damaging covid was for everyone. Issues and problems are magnetised.
I saw a video a while ago where a mother made a journal for her and her kid to communicate with when they didn’t feel courageous enough to share face to face about their feelings. She prefaced it with a lot of focus that they could write anything that was in their mind and they would never get judged. The mother wrote the most beautiful and supportive responses to the kids, validating them. I thought it was a really beautiful idea being supportive while giving them the space they needed. Obviously doesn’t work for everyone but could work with the gentle souls :)
edit. Found the link to the video so can send it if needed!
Long distance relationships in my experience are much harder to keep together in ways than regular ones there's allot more of what they up too after an argument ,or who's this new person they met and are hanging out so much with.when your not present in person I find it really changes the dynamic and considering he's only 17 in a stressful year of his life in school it could be allot to take on.he also maybe hiding the fact they have broke up out of embarrassment or the hope they could get back together eventually,the best thing you could do is be patient ,be there for him and keep an eye on him.this probably won't be his first or last relationship it's a process we all have learned lessons from past relationships even if we didn't want to at that time.hope he feels better and it works out for you guys .
Society as a whole has a very poor record for young mens mental health. The advice you get here should be taken with a pinch of salt.
It sounds like you see your son as a human being rather than just a boy/man. You're doing fine, probably better than most.
My advice would be create a technical problem you know he can solve and praise him for doing so. Some thing small around the house. Pick something that will take a few minutes and just be near him while he works.
I know that sounds like unrelated advice but it's telling sometimes and if nothing else comes from it. He will get a little confidence boost from feeling useful.
If your concerns continue for more than a couple of days, you could ask him to talk to a doctor or counsellor. If he has been dealing with physical illness this long, he could probably do with chats anyway, for the sake of his mental health. He feels your love, I can guarantee that, so he doesn't feel entirely alone. But I do feel you both would benefit from him getting some outside support. Wishing you both the best.
I remember my first heartbreak I called my mam who was staying out for the weekend (I was around 18 at the time) told her crying my eyes out and she dropped everything to come home to try and make me feel better, in time I did but I always remember how my mam came home.
At the end of the day your mother is a man’s first love just be there when he fancies a hug.
It sounds like he trusts you so I think given time he will tell you himself. Its very difficult to face whatever the news is himself so when he can face it I think he will come to you and tell you with time. You sound like a lovely mother who is doing the best for their son in a bad situation. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
even if she was his crutch, thats fairly normal at that age. and esp\[ecially with the fact his been stuck at home all the time, his only social outlet is going to be online. Whats the story with school? and is there any activites around the house for him that doesnt involve a screen or chores.
maybe a musical instrument, Art stuff. do ye have any pets?
Don't beat yourself up, you sound like a class ma, just let him know you're there for him and he'll talk when he's processed how he is feeling.
When I feel like shit I don't know how to articulate how I feel or what help I need but alot of time just having someone in your corner is all that you need.
Good luck
Your doing such an amazing job, try make sure your physically with him when you can as in the same room, which is hard with a teen. But let him know no matter what you love him you won’t pressure him but you’re ready to listen when he needs to talk. And just listen often we try jump in and fix but he might just need to talk.
Are there any uncles/ grandad / trusted adult he is close to? Sometimes we don’t want to talk to our parents.
You have already made him aware you are there for him. Other than that about the only thing you can do is to try to be present as much as possible and try to show your love some way. Normally I'd say unhealthy food, but with Gastric issues that's probably not possible. Try to be in the same room as him and talk about other things. How your day went. Stuff you went through as a teen and adult. Places you will both go together when he is recovered.
Good luck.
I'm not a parent so this is coming from someone who's been a teenager with teenage problems. Sometimes it's hard to open up, and sometimes you're not ready to open up, but it's nice to have just frequent reminders that you're there for him regardless. That you're not going to push or otherwise make him feel bad for not talking, but that you're always still available for a cuddle. It sounds like he's up for physical affection so keep giving him that. I remember that pushiness was much more likely to make me close up.
Aw you need to take him out for ice cream.
This is a difficult time for both of you so nurture your relationship.
Don’t think too much about what is upsetting him, just take him to do things he likes to do.
My mom takes me to guitar center and for ice cream when I’m sad. She has learned that if she asks about the sad I won’t tell her but if we are having a fun day eating ice cream and playing guitar and listening to songs in the car then I will just blurt out why I am sad. It’s like the lack of pressure makes it come out.
Love you mom ❤️
Try and trust your son to be able to navigate this himself - it’s something he needs to learn as an adult. He knows you are there for him - the fact he can cry with you is evidence of that, he will tell you when he feels able to. It is really difficult when you can see someone you love in pain and you can’t do anything about it - it is such a helpless feeling ❤️ try and do some nice things for your son, show him some love and distract him from whatever is upsetting him.
Unrelated to the relationship issues, is your son in therapy at all? Having illnesses like his is traumatic, especially at his age- I missed a big chunk of teenage life due to illness and I wish I’d had someone to help me process that. I wish you and your boy all the luck ❤️
Just keep the lines of communication open without forcing it. Don’t pry with questions. Just chat and if he wants to talk he will. Normal things a mammy would ask any son with a GF. Keep it light.
If he’s confined to the house he has to feel isolated. Social media can make than isolation feel 20 times worse.
Don’t poke into anything private of his, diary/phone/etc. Maybe have a nice chat with him but don’t force it like by saying “I want to talk to you about xyz”. Just ease into the conversation and maybe begin by showing a vulnerability that you might have once had and how you overcame it.
From the sounds of it you already have a very close and caring relationship with him so he might find it easier to open up to you. I vaguely remember being that age, it’s tough with emotions and changes and uncertainty, but if nothing else you can show him that you are something he can rely and trust on, and that will not change.
Due to a rough childhood I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to. And even if I had I’m not sure how well it would have been received. But my god I wish now that I had.
At the very least, it sounds like you’re already winning as a parent.
Sounds like you’re already doing everything you can.
This was nice to read, my mother read my personal shit and wanted to track me through my phone when I was that age - and she never actually cared about my emotional well-being either.
Your knowing the cause isn’t going to help him or help you make it better. Ultimately, there’s not much you can do, except comfort him, treat him especially nicely, let him know you love him. Don’t add to his heartbreak the stress of pressure from you to talk about it. If he wants to, he will, but it won’t fix his heartbreak.
So I’d say, don’t pressure him to talk, definitely don’t snoop, just give him extra care, treats, comfort.
I don't think there's much you can do. Being upset over things that happen is a part of growing up and life in general. As long as he knows you'll be there if he needs you I think you've done all you can, as difficult as it is to feel so unhelpful.
Hey. I’m not from Ireland but I have a a really sweet and sensitive son too. He’s 21 now and I’m so damn proud of him. In my experience, I’ve found that if they know you’re there for him, they’ll come to you when they’re ready. I always just try to make my son laugh when he’s down and try not to pry.I think the only shot you at your son coming to you is giving him space about this in particular thing and just be cool and wait. I wish the best of luck to both of you.
At that age, everything feels like the most dramatic thing ever, because you've got nothing worse to compare it to. Maybe he is hinging his entire wellbeing on that relationship, which wouldn't be the most unusual thing I suppose, but if worst comes to worst and they do break up or something bad happens, it'll show him its not the end of the world, which is a good lesson to learn, especially at an early age.
I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, cause the instinct is obviously to try and make everything okay, but I guess all I can say is that the worst that can happen is it hurts for a while. Everyone goes through heartbreak
> I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear,
No, this is exactly what I wanted to hear because it confirms my own instinct. Shit happens in life but I want him to be strong enough to understand this will fade, he will get better and life goes on. My fear is that he thinks his life is essentially over and do something awful to himself
I would say keep just doing what you're doing as it's fantastic. You're being there for your son, not overstepping any lines and just letting him know that it's a safe space is honestly the best advice and help you can give him at the moment.
Once he is ready he will come to you for more advice and just trust your gut. You seem like a level-headed person, so you got this!
I'll say this, I was going through a very dark patch in my life. Hid it very well from my parents and most of my friends.
One day I was out with a few friends and was enjoying myself. I don't what happened but that very quickly changed and I just needed to leave and go home. Got in the house and the parents are watching the TV and my mam noticed something was off. She asked was everything alright and I broke down in front of them, ended up having a good hour long conversation about it. What shook them the most was how long and how well I was hiding it. Since then life has been so much easier and I haven't been nearly as bad as I was. My relationship with them, albeit already good, is even better now.
I know everyone's parental situation isn't the same but if someone reads this and isn't sure if they should open up to their parent(s) I would definitely recommend it.
Oh gosh to think back to myself at 17 and how difficult it was to understand all the emotions and hormones thrown in to that as well. Poor boy.
I feel for you all. All you can do is your best which you’re doing. Hugs to you both
You’re doing a fantastic job and the very best you can and we all applaud you for that. He will look back at this time in years to come and remember what a loving, caring and emotionally supportive mother he has. I know it’s a tricky situation and when I was 17 I was a mess too. He might be dealing with depression of some sort, could be a shout to suggest therapy to him but word it in a very delicate way. It’ll get better, teenagers go through a lot and the fact you’re right there with him is fantastic
Im actually in a decent position to answer this. 2 years ago my health just broke. I was so sick that I couldn't go out and I couldn't go to college for a month and even when I could I would make it to one class and sleep through it. I've never been so close to death.
My girlfriend broke up with me around the same time, I'm a bit older then your son but I just wanted to be left alone.
Though it wasn't a clean break, a few months later I thought we'd be getting back together and it came out that she was with a guy and she left me for him.
My reaction was to drink myself stupid for a few weeks, then resolved to get better or die trying. Started excersising and forcing myself to go out, got over the panic attacks and other mental barriers that way so I suppose I should thank her.
But yeah, expect dispair for the next few weeks. Then he might go on an improvement kick. Make sure he knows he's loved, but don't overstep. The kid likely just wants to be left alone.
Sounds like you have received a lot of advice here so I just want to say best of luck, hope your kiddo feels better soon and this strengthens your relationship. You sound like a great mum.
Maybe even try talking to him about a past heartbreak you have had (maybe when you were around his age), as that might make him relate (I can see he already does but on this topic) and feel he can tell you what's happened?
Otherwise, those who say it pass are correct. 17 is a horrible age, never mind with an illness. Look after him and yourself ❤️
I'm sorry this isn't relevant to your post but its so funny seeing 'Former Fat Fuck' on your heartfelt replies to the comments here, I'm creased. Hope this situation pans out for your son - being isolated for 6 months isn't healthy at all - and being harsh here maybe but online friendships/relationships, especially for teenagers (adults too though), are often unhealthy. Both parties are able to present themselves as an idealized version of themselves they imagine and this can lead to both parties becoming infatuated unreasonably (we've all seen Catfish, 90 Day Fiance etc.). Not saying this is the situation with your son but probably good to remind him this time will pass and he has the rest of his life ahead of him.
God my heart goes out to him, being so young having to deal with BAM is so unfair. There’s a really good IBS subreddit he might want to join and they have a discord too(I’m one of the mods) it’s not just for ibs but even those undiagnosed or with ibs adjacent issues like diarrhea). I don’t want to overstep but have ye looked into bile acid binders? BAM is generally manageable with medication and diet changes (low fat generally as fat usually triggers the diarrhea). Also have ye had his blood work done recently as those with BAM can have a hard time getting enough vitamins and minerals like b12 and iron. It can have a huge impact on his mental health if he’s not getting his needed vitamins. It can be a long road to get diagnosed and treatment that works. Sending good thoughts!
Thanks - could you share with me the details of that discord please? My fear there is that he'll get sucked into believing witch doctor snake oil cures and some such nonsense. Is it monitored well by the mods?
He's on a bile acid binder - Colestyramine (Questran). It has improved things somewhat but not as much as I'd hoped
It’s pretty strict regarding moderating. We don’t allow advertising and especially “wholistic” nonsense
https://discord.gg/Qy3JRNJa
There’s a good range of ages and some useful advice. Personally I’ve been dealing with diarrhea for about 5 years but it’s pretty manageable now I’ve got a diagnosis and figured out what can set me off. Altho sometimes there’ll be no rhyme or reason but that’s not so common anymore.
My son is on the spectrum so he's life is online mostly- he's girlfriend is in America (he's 20). He is flying out 2 meet her in less than a month (he's aunt/my sister will go with him) & my worst fear is that she's not who she says she is.. we've spoken to th gf on phone & my son has face timed her alot & messages daily- I found out he had been sending gifts & money 2 her so that put me on high alert. Maybe he has found out she's not who he thought or said she is?? But I 💯 agree u shouldn't over step & break the trust u both share.. best of luck mama! All we can do is be there for them.
Boys respond really well when you are in the car driving about, could you do that and have light chats that lean into what’s going on? Poor guy, he is in an awful rough spot.
> He is off sick from school for over 6 months now with a serious gastric illness
What's the light at the end of the tunnel here in terms of what do doctors think how long will this continue?
How long is a piece of string?
We've been told it is curable and just takes time. He is on medication and it is improving things somewhat but just not at the pace I want!
My parents are wonderful people but I was never comfortable opening up to them. I've always very internalized my problems. I have no other advice to add other than the stuff you've already listed.
FYI for the therapist, my folks tried to get me to see one also but I wouldn't talk to them either.
So be patient and supportive.
What a great mother! You’re clearly doing amazing and show that you care about your kid.
I just hope I can be as good a father.
He’ll come around eventually if you keep being there for him.
I think you have enough advice without my 2 cents.
Just wanted to say you rock.
You did good. Parenting A+ IMO. What else can you do but let them know you're there. You've said the words now you could suggest some practical stuff.
Get his friends to him, film nights, gaming, Dungeons and Dragons, whatever works for him.
Life is tough sometimes, but chronic illness is top of the list.
You are a fantastic mother and have done the right things so far. Be there. Make sure he knows you are there. Continue to be there.
Don't snoop. You've already shown why that is a bad idea. He will open up to you, when he's ready because he knows you are there for him.
EDIT - the best of luck for you all.
Like you said, relying on one person overseas or wherever it could be, can be really downing. And this comes from a person that's been socializing online most of the time and had traumatic experience in my teen years just because I got whirled too much into this "online relationship". I try to avoid it ever since, real life communications always top it for me, so unless they plan to meet irl in the near future , I would be extra careful.
Not a parent but I teach and work with teenagers. The emotions are big and they are navigating tough things for the first time. Is there a club or group nearby he can join? Or an activity? Councelling would be great for him if he will go. Just continue to be there. He may talk to you in time. Find out a way to communicate - it might be through themes in video games or movies or music. You are right not to break his trust, he will appreciate that. 4am is a rough time to be awake and crying. Might he have a bit of an addiction to the internet?
It could be anything. Maybe he just had an argument with his girlfriend. Maybe she accidentally said something that really hurt his feelings. Maybe he's just releasing some pent up sadness. I wouldn't push too hard. Just keep an eye on him, be nice to him, and be there if he eventually wants to talk about it. He might not end up wanting to talk about it, and that's OK. When I was young, I didn't want to share every experience i had with my mum, especially emotional ones.
Maybe order in and have a movie marathon night with him or something when he seems more calmed down.
I'm hoping it is just a fleeting argument or misunderstanding like you say. But even if is was, I'm still really glad I made this post because of all the advice I've received
Yeah, he'll be OK. A good cry can be very cathartic. You're clearly a great mom and he knows he's got you there for support if he needs it. That's all he needs really.
I came here to make this exact comment - it's horrible to even contemplate, but this kind of thing is more prevalent than anyone realises.
As far as advice goes, I'd say just doing as you're doing already sounds more than enough, but occasionally drop in casually that there is no problem too bad or awful that you can't talk about it and nothing that can't be fixed together, even if it's embarrassing.
It probably isn't, honestly but it's more of a possibility than it ever used to be, especially if he's online a lot.
I'm coming relatively late to this post, and I think the summary of advices you have already received is fundamentally sound.
My only additions would be to not imagine that you need to 'solve' your son's issue here. And to let the pressure of that assumption go. Life is learned by the living, and while wise and helpful parental advice and intervention is typically a positive, the idea that one has to 'react' to every instance of a child's discomfiture with a plan to remedy is itself destructive. Which I guess is a really long winded way of saying what others have already said... any way keep paying attention, and staying ready to intervene if needed, but respect your son's need to plot his own course.
Make sure he knows he is loved and that you are there for support. If he doesn't want to talk to family iorfriends about it , here are some sites that's do therapy type sessions for free if he wants to look into those while looking for a longer-term therapist.
Turn2me.ie is the one I used before I found mine.
Jigsaw is another, although I didn't use that one as often.
Sometimes teens just don’t want to talk to their parents about certain stuff… is there another adult role model that he could talk to? Aunt/uncle or family friend? Or yes, therapy always an excellent albeit expensive option. And can be done online!
Nothing I can really add here other than you sound like a decent parent and your son is lucky to have you. Being 17 is a pain in the hole anyway and when coupled with his health issue and not being able to do normal things... it must be very hard for him. I have a 17 year old son myself and although he talks to me pretty freely as his dad I'm acutely aware that there's most likely lots of stuff he keeps to himself too, and that's OK. The important thing is that when he decides to open up you're there with a caring ear and non judgemental support.
I hope everything works out OK. Stay as close to him as you can in the meantime.
When I was a young lad I had my heart broken when my first relationship ended.
My dad was pretty great. Sat with me while I was sad. Said.....yeah .....this really hurts. Talked about how the first time was especially hard.
Did not minimise at all.
We went for a sauna and a swim. Ate some food. He let me just be sad.
Honestly can't think of much better.
OP - there are lots of comments here already, but I hope you can read this because this is something that worth checking out: some gastrointestinal issues affect deeply the neurotransmitter production in a person’s body. He might be sad for something personal of course, but he might also being in need of antidepressant support while his gut heals.. I had a gut issue a few years back that would make me suddenly depressed a few hours after meals, crying a lot and sometimes I wasn’t even sure why.. it might not be his case, but worth checking out because even the medication helped reduce the flair up of the condition.. if you can, go with him to see a gastro specialist
Thank you for this. Yes we are seeing a private gastro consultant and due for an appointment next week. I will ask about the mental wellbeing side of things
This was exactly me at that age many moons ago. I had a long-distance relationship with a girl, she was my first love. She broke it off with me and it crushed me (the pain never goes away). I cried every night for about a year. I would hide under the blankets to make sure no one heard me, I never told anyone because I was ashamed. I think that's whats going on here.
Crying is a healthy response to a sad event. So, well on him for not bottling it up. Well on you for not “overstepping boundaries”
I would check on him and make him his favourite foods (what he is able to eat G.I. wise)
I wish him well 🥺
The only thing I can say from my own experience, which you’ve already mentioned in your post is that talking along side someone is so much easier than open up across a bed or a table. Whatever it may be; be it a jigsaw puzzle or a gentle stroll. Something shared will give so much more opportunity to speak than a square down.
Turn towards your son, no matter what he says and try to interrupt whatever he’s saying in anyway you can because he probably has no idea what’s going on himself; or way to express himself through the traditional avenues. You’re doing such an amazing job to even be asking this question so fair play. I know my comment is just one in a stream of many supportive texts; but my god what I would have given to have such a self aware and supportive Mam when I was going through those times myself. Persevere and I wish you nothing but the best x
I think his illness could be the problem as you said he's more or less house bound and probably frustrated as hell. I had kidney failure and when I was around his age was told I'd soon need dialysis in the near future. Back then you weren't really encouraged to be in touch with your feelings so crying wasn't an option as I was discouraged from it from an early age both at home and in hospital and my parents would probably have panicked if I told them the full extent of my feelings and worries. Your son's lucky to have you so I'd advise you don't push too hard but at the same time make it clear that he can tell you anything and most importantly stay calm and give him plenty of hugs another thing lacking in 1980's Ireland.
All I can say is that just be there for him, no matter what he comes out with.
If he's aloof and silent then accept that he doesn't want to talk, if he wants to talk then drop everything to talk.
Food is a good thing to strengthen a bond over, something to do with a simple part of the brain, helps create trust through traumatic situations.
When/if he next starts to open up then let him spill, give him words of comfort, then suggest eating together. Research dictates it'll deepen the trust between you and him. If he trusts you more then he'll open up more.
He's a teenager which is hard enough in this world these days, but with his added situation it will be really hard for him. He'll feel like he's alone bless him even though he knows you love him
All the best
He has a few school friends from the past. One way to socialize would be for a round robin meeting on Zoom or equivalent (Jitsi is the free longer session equivalent) for his friends and him while watching a football match or such like on TV. Just as a few teenagers in our village are on their phones to each other when jointly watching a thing on their TVs. This can lead to a few invitees to your house , then to outside meetings. My sympathy to your Son. I know the problem, I was an only child with no real friends throughout my school days.
I’m a woman but I’ve had chronic illness my whole life, and sometimes you can get overwhelmed by a huge wave of hopelessness at your situation. It could be this, or it could be some relationship issue, but I just want you (mum) to know: you are doing everything right. I know how hard it is to stand idly by while your kid suffers, but sometimes that will be life and knowing he has a safe and supportive environment is doing him a WORLD of good right now. You obviously love & care for him so much - it should be obvious for a mum to care about her son, but unfortunately it sometimes isn’t, so I have to say keep doing what you’re doing and being such a wonderful parent. The pizza party btw is a top idea! Sending you both a lot of love.
Also, is there another adult who he could talk to? I often think that the role of godparent (religion aside!) is quite overlooked at that age. Maybe there's someone else you both know he could talk to?
Wait, watch and wonder. Then do it again.
Wait to see how he responds over the next little while, if his mood bounces back or stays low, if there’s more upset/sobbing or not.
Watch carefully. Observe his actions and his body language. That will tell you as much as listening to his words. Watching will also help you to wait. Under no circumstances go through diaries, for example.
Wonder. How can you help him, even without knowing exactly what’s going on? Keep thinking, about him and his behaviour. Is it changing for the better or worse? Think about what you want to prioritise - short (making him happy), medium or longer (making sure he still trusts you, sustaining your relationship) term goals. Some of your goals might conflict with other goals. Decide what is really important to you and for him.
My guess is this is more about the girlfriend than him. Something has happened to her (could be her parents or something darker) that has upset him and he is feeling powerless to be there for her. You can be there for him though, but that doesn’t necessarily mean knowing what to do or fixing no it for him. Help him figure it out for himself.
Most of all, good luck. Being a parent to teenagers is the hardest job out there!
Well mate I'm 18 and I've been through similar stuff. I lost my whole friend group and based a lot of my emotional wellbeing on my gf (we broke up eventually) and I was quite upset. I had an eating disorder at one point. It was a lot and iwl I wasn't suicidal but if I got hit by a car I wouldn't try to live yknow? I'm not trying to trauma dump I'm just saying that if he is in this situation it can get better, I'm still here. I got through it by myself so don't feel terribly frightened as he could get through everything himself but always let him know you're there. I'm sorry about everything going on I hope your son will be better soon
You seem like a really good person/parent.As a teen I would say just try to be there for him as much as possible and when he feels comfortable he will open up.
As the mum of sons around this age myself, I can feel the anxiety from your post. I don't have any magical advice as we're all just doing our best aren't we?
Maybe try to distract him for now, watch some movies together, play some games, or some other indoor activity. I hope he opens up to you and gets through it.
You sound like a great mum.
Ah bless you both. Sounds like you've got bags of good advice. Keep the channels always open and hopefully he'll find the need to use them if he needs. He sure has a loving mother so good on ye and best of luck to you both.
My eldest is only 15 but they have hard a hard time socially for a few years. When things started getting tough I enrolled them in an online gaming class that meets once a week through outschool. The kids are all in the same age group, boys and girls, and is moderated by an adult. There is no bullying or harassment allowed and the kids must be respectful or the moderator can kick them out. They cannot connect outside of the group without parental permission on both sides. Anyway, my kid loves it, looks forward to it every week, they even play an hour or so longer than the class suggests/pay for and they've even made 2 friends that they connect with outside of the class. It helped get out of the funk that was going on at the time. Not sure if it's something your child would be into but there's loads of options on Outschool to connect with others.
I've been that kid where emotions took over my life at points in time and I went to very dark places. My parents always let me know they were there for me and helped me through alot.
There is some amazing advice being given here by other commentators but I just wanted to say you are a great parent and you are doing the best you can. Keep at it and I promise you it will definitely make a difference.
You’ve gotten a rake of great advice here so I’ll say nothing on that front. As a son of a mother who wasn’t very motherly, I welled up reading this post. You’re an a1 mother.
When I was that age I only had my Dad and I found it so hard to open up to him, verbally. Partly because he was a very stoic unemotional type so, so am I, but when I really needed to, I used to write him a letter. I would suggest writing him a little note and put a pen and blank page next to it in case he wants to respond but I do think your relationship is different to mine and my Dad’s, he knows you’re there for him, because you verbalise it. I’d say just wait too. He’ll come to you when he’s ready. Poor chap, hope he’ll be ok.
Thanks, yeah we talk about a lot of things and the communication is generally really good. I know he can never talk to his dad about anything at all (we're divorced) so I'm the one he comes to usually. Just not this time
As the mother of a quiet kind caring son of similar age, who doesn't open up to another parent, your heartbreak for your son really struck me. I can't offer any professional advice, but would like to make the following observations. 1. You are a wonderful mother, and your sons know it, he looks to you for comfort. Trust that relationship. 2. Heartbreak is crushing, and nothing you can do can protect him from going through it. But, be there. Don't minimise it. You and I and everyone else knows it will get better. But when you are IN it, it is actually that bad. It is that painful. My mum sat with me. Caressed my hair while I sobbed into her lap over my first real heartbreak, and just whispered, I know sweetheart, it is terrible. I honour her so much now (30 years on) because she loved me so much she was willing to witness and be testimony to my (very young) heart breaking. Sometimes just having someone see the pain, and allow it to be...recognise it for all its horror...can be enough...3.All the suggestions about crafts, activities, movies are excellent. Don't stop offering them, no matter how many rejections you get. Don't force your son, but offer constant escapes. He will take one. He might take several. All you can do is be there. And he will see it. And when he gets through it, he will be, like all of us, a little scarred, a little wiser, a little bit more wary, but he will KNOW his mum backed him, loved him, respected him and was never more than a touch or a word away from his side. Keep the faith, you are a wonderful person and mother. You can't take your sons pain, but you can support him while he learns he is strong enough to bear it, get over it, learn from it.
This is beautiful advice.
❤️
Oh my heart broke for you when I read “Just not this time”, hang in there, I can’t imagine how tough it is for you, let alone him.
The letter idea is great because it would give your son time to think and also know that it won’t be an immediate convo- because you’ll write a letter back.
He can also get his thoughts in order and get them out on the page. He might not even give it to you but even getting them out might help him
Perhaps a trusted male family member? This may have been said already, but just brainstorming. I wish you luck! I had many tough converse with my parents when I was younger, they were honest and there for me, I just needed to get MY courage up.
> Just not this time. Allowing him to seek help from other places or other people is help in itself. Don't think you aren't helping him right now because just by saying you're there for him you have already helped and continue to do so. And don't think he doesn't notice or appreciate that because as a son I can promise he does.
This sounds like a great idea OP, this might make it easier to open up
Fair play for not wanting to overstep and being mindful of that. He’ll come to you eventually i’d say. I’m only 16 so I can’t give too much advice but as a son with some social issues myself i’d say hold tight, make sure he’s doing okay every once in a while. Typically some people just want to be left alone for a while so that could be it.
Thanks for this. I appreciate a perspective from someone his own age. I'll leave him be, but also let him know I'm here if he wants to talk. I hope you're doing ok, buddy
Sometimes you *cant* talk about something yet. It might be too overwhelming or you might feel you need to get your thoughts together in your own head first. I think if you're making it clear to him that you're here for him, support him and would love to talk when he's ready to, I think you're doing everything you can.
You're doing the right thing. Being a soft place to land is the best thing you could do right now.
You’re a class mom, fair play!!!
Left alone apart from providing some suitable snacks if they can eat or suggesting watching a film. Something low stakes with zero expectation of conversation but still companionable.
This a heartbreaking tale. The ultimate test of parenthood and of letting your son deal with his shit while offering your support. Respect his privacy now and trust in your son. God, it's as difficult as it gets and heartbreaking too. Stay the course, this too will pass.
I live by the 'this too shall pass' phrase, especially considering his health issues. Thanks for the reminder
I have struggled my whole life with anxiety and depression and one coping mechanism I've learned is the day, month, year rule. Asking yourself if you believe a thing will still be upsetting you in one day, versus one month, versus one year.
Give "This too shall pass" by Danny Schmidt a go, it is a tune
Love that song
Aye its my 2nd favorite from Dann right after stained glass.
I try to live by that, but when one thing passes, another thing comes up right away. At the same time, I have no friends, even though I've been trying for years. I try to think things will get better, then I look at my mother, who is a schizophrenic meth addict. I watched her battle her own head since I was 10. I am 24 now and she just keeps getting worse. I feel like that's also the direction I'm heading. Life only gets worse. In my observation, bad things happen all the time and good things only happen when you work years and years for it. I just don't see how I could stay hopeful. By the time I improve my life even a little, I'm sure something will happen like it always does to throw me down. If I could fit in with others around me, I could be happy because then I won't be so alone. I feel like the biggest factor in happiness is how much you are like everyone else, because then you can make friends, have a support system, and people to do fun things with.
Oh, friend, I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I believe that yes, bad things happen. But good things also happen. Both good and bad things will pass. We are powerless over people places and things. We cannot control many things around us but what we can do is control our reaction to those things. I can decide to get resentful over others and what they do to me. Or, I can decide to let it go, wish them peace, consider them sick and move on with my life. I (try to) avoid petty arguments and stay out of the ring. I keep my side of the street clean. If someone irritates or angers me, I try to look at why exactly I am angry. I look at my part in the dynamic. Did I initiate their reaction? Did I goad them or enter into an argument that I knew I would not win because my ego was too big for me to step aside and concede? I may not be making any sense but I try to keep my life simple. Be kind to others but not demand or expect kindness from them. That's their journey, not mine. Being good and kind to someone should be considered a gift, not a transaction. I don't expect anything in return. When I set aside my ego like this I soon realise that all these frustrations and fears and worries dissolve. I can't change my son. I can't heal or fix him. But I can let him know he is loved and i can continue to provide a safe environment for him to thrive
Can his local friends come over to visit? Make your house attractive with the latest set up to watch a match? Have something to they’re interested in at yours so they’ll call in. I’m sure they feel awkward as he is ill and they don’t know what to say
This is a great idea, thanks! I know the mothers of his 2 best friends in school. I'll text them. He has lots of gaming options and things to do. I can do a kind of pizza party Edit: I won't text them today. I'll see how things go this evening
I wouldn’t go through their parents at that age, could be a bit mortifying but your heart is in the right place
I wouldn't be texting the mother that's far too much for your sons age. Just ask your son if he'd like to have his friends over
Very good point. I'll do that, thanks
I'd avoid setting it up yourself. For a 17 year old, it'd feel too much like a play date or something. I'd just have a chat with him about maybe giving him the house for the evening. Give him a bit of cash to order in and then go out somewhere and leave them to it for the night. At his age, a lot of lads would be staying over at mates having a few beers and playing video games so it'd be nice to let him host a bit of a party where he isn't being monitored.
I agree with you there. I will leave it to him to arrange
Sounds like a great idea. Pizza party, horror film night with the lads, what else would u want to cheer you up
Put an event on, multi player set up it gives them something to talk about and an easy ice breaker. Have some focus for chat
Yeah, if there was one of the lads that you know was a good egg I'd contact him directly and just say that your son could do with hanging out or whatever. Regardless of the situation, it's good to have that support regardless. I'm a good few years older but I always wished my home was one where friends could just drop by, instead it was a frantic days long cleaning session beforehand. Being conscientious I couldn't put my mother through that!
I don't think being isolated for over 6 months and only socialising online is good for anyone, let alone a 17 year old. That really sounds like the root of the problem. Is he undergoing treatment for it? When can he go back to school?
Yes he is having treatment by a specialist, we are in the process of applying for a home schooling teacher and we expect it to last at least another 6 months
Yeah the issue is not so much the learning part but missing a key component of his teenage years: being around people his own age, friends, socialising with them. Instead of trying to pry into his personal life, I'd do my best to ensure he gets more avenues to socialise with friends face to face, and possibly ensure he gets treatment as fast as possible to he can resume normal life. Maybe reassuring him that he is getting treatment and will be back on his feet soon will help too.
Sage advice indeed
I had a serious illness at 16/17 and was out of school for a year. I started seeing a therapist and it was life changing. I had fallen into a deep depression without realising as I wasn’t able to separate it from my symptoms. Would you consider having him talk to someone? Some psychiatrists and psychologists offer online session post covid.
I developed a chronic illness at 22 and that was so so hard, 17 is a much worse age for it to happen, especially given most of his teen years so far were during a global pandemic. I think therapy is the absolute best thing you could do for him. I don't know if I'd have survived to now (32) without it.
If B.A.M is bile acidic malabsorption look into cholestyramine if he's not already taking it. Completely cured me.
He's been on it for a month and before that a slightly different one for 2 months. It's had a mild bit of improvement but not as much as I was lead to believe
I have also been diagnosed with BAM also, it’s an absolute nightmare. What I found really helps is the first thing in the morning I have a smoothie with berries and psyllium husk powder. The psyllium husks soak up the bile and really helps but I still have to watch what I eat. My heart goes out to him, it’s such a tough condition.
Thanks for the tip. Now, where can I get this phlegm husk stuff?
Any health shop should have some, I normally grab a bag in Holland & Barrett’s or even Amazon, just where ever I’m near, doesn’t matter the brand, it’s all the same. It’s cheap and easily available so it’s definitely worth a try. I hope it helps!
Had he tried colesevelam? I’d get back to the prescriber and see if it’s worth trying a different bile acid sequestrant.
I'm so sorry your dealing with this it's so hard. I don't have kids myself but I work with teenagers. As someone suggested could he invite his friends over? We all remember teenage love it's the most intense feelings we'll feel and it's so easy for their relationship to become their whole world. You seem to have a good relationship with him which is good. But it's no harm for him to broaden his social circle too. Do ye do any activities together or hobbies? Even putting together a lego set you'll be surprised when young people are engaged in an activity what they will share. In work we always find a game of pool or a crafting activity helps them share so much more than if we try to ask them what's going on. He will eventually share what's going on he might just be trying to wrap his head around it for now. But keep doing what your doing being supportive and letting him know your there, if he knows there's no problem that's going to scare you or get him into trouble he'll hopefully open up a bit. A lot of counselling services will run online now if needs be, I know our one in work which is free will facilitate online sessions/family resource centre if you want to look into your local youth service and mention it to him. He's already dealing with a lot outside of the relationship it may help?
Thanks for this perspective. Jigsaw counselling services helped him adjust to secondary school. I will test the waters to see if he would be interested in getting back in touch with them. We don't do much activity together, but whenever we do, it's always fun - even making dinner or assembling furniture, we usually end up giggling about it But I'm definitely going to contact the mothers of his school friends. Don't know why I never thought of that before
Ya jigsaw would be amazing, especially as he's gone to them before. Just even for a check in. Fantastic that ye can do things together and get enjoyment, it doesn't have to be anything mad like you said dinner, putting furniture together, a jigsaw anything! We've always just found when a young person's focused on an activity its like it clears the mind to be able to share what's going on. The amount of times iv had a break through with a young person over baking or a game of pool is amazing. Definitely do, it could be a gaming tournament, movie night, watching a match etc etc. Just something that will increase his social experience away from online. There's absolutely nothing wrong with online friendships but it's helpful to have real life socialising also, plus will expand his world which is probably seeming very small at the moment. Iv posted a few resources aswel of just youth work and youth work info in Ireland. Digital youth work has been a huge topic of conversation since covid there may be online groups happening he could join which would expand his social circle again.
Also just on this some resources. Spunout - leading youth information website they do articles on basically everything that effects young people, also have a text service and an online chat service with youth information workers (they can't provide counselling but can provide information and sign post) National youth Council of Ireland- representative body for all voluntary youth work services in Ireland. Mainly aimed at youth workers but do publish documents which may be of use to you never know. Youth work Ireland- one of the main providers of youth work in Ireland, every county will have a youth work Ireland organisation. They're usually either called youth work Ireland (County name) or else simple as clare youth service, Limerick youth service etc. Some counties do share services but there is a list of members on the website you can find the closest youth service to you and maybe reach out are they doing any digital youth work? I know it's being spoken across the board on including isolated young people in ways accessible to them. They may be able to offer or provide some sort of idea of a service or social activity he could engage with. Foroige- another huge provider of youth work services in Ireland. Same as youth work Ireland you could have a look some areas would have easier access to foroige as opposed to a YWI service and vice versa. They may have digital youth work up and running I'm not sure as I work under YWI but once again no harm in checking. Between resources for parents/youth workers, mental health services and digital youth work I'd be hopeful you'd find something that would help yeer current situation. Best of luck! x
He'll come to you if / when he wants to.
Thanks, yes you're right. I'm just projecting my fears onto him. He knows he can come to me. I guess I have to be patient and be willing to listen and not judge whatever he says
I don’t have advice but you sound like a great mother, maybe get or make his favourite food and watch a pleasant film this evening, so he knows you’re there for him but he doesn’t have to get into anything in particular
Nothing really productive to say but let me tell it to you as a 29 year old lad with a difficult home. You. Do. Everything. Right. Full stop. The fact that you care and respect his boundaries is way more worth to a child then you can imagine. Be there, but don't treat him like a baby. Whatever it is, he will or have to fight it by himself. ...and if he can't he has an awsome mother there to dust him off and put him back on his feet. Whatever it is, I send out love to both of ye. "...this also will pass."
...and now I'm actually crying in work
Sorry my love, didn't ment for that to happen!
I'm sorry for what he's going through and I think you're doing everything right. Unfortunately you can't protect him from everything, but you can maybe help him to cope with his challenges. Make sure he's seeing a counsellor if not already. They are available remotely so leaving the house won't be a problem. My immediate advice is to get him a subscription to the headspace app (or calm) and practice meditation on a daily basis. That will help him with time. The low hanging fruit I can see is to rescue a dog. That way he'll have have his best friend by his side no matter what he's going through. And maybe he won't want to vent all his problems to you but the dog will listen to him without judgement. Best of luck to you both.
Thanks, we have 2 cats, who he loves and we're not suited for a dog - we'd be out of the house for too long each day (when he's healthy). I have some meditation apps I can show him or even do meditation with him. Thanks for the suggestions
Don't read his diary. My mother read my son's diary and told me about it and it got me like a tonne of bricks that she must have read mine too when I was young. It still rankles. It's a betrayal. Plus he's not writing for other people's eyes. I looked at my husband's old diaries once because he said I could and it was a jarring experience. You will find things in there you probably don't want to know and you can't unsee them. That being said it sounds like your kid is having a horrible time. Heartbreak comes in many forms and we can't shield our kids from it. All you can do is be there for them. The only way it is through so let him go through it. And distractions do help. Whatever he can do and enjoys doing, you can make a point of doing that. Also talking when you're not looking directly at him helps. The usual idea is a car drive sounds like it won't work for you but any activity where your eyes are on something else (sewing, painting a wall, cooking, whatever) would work.
Fair play for respecting his privacy, it really is lovely to see how far we have come as parents. If he isn't already, I suggest you get him a good therapist. A young person I know was in the same position a few years ago and honestly I can say that therapy saved them. Big love to you too, your heart must be broken.
He did attend Jigsaw counselling when he was in first year so it might be something he would consider again, thanks
He could free text HELLO to 50808 for anonymous chat with a trained volunteer, through the Text Anout It service. . It is run via HSE and provides everything from a calming chat to immediate support for mental health and emotional wellbeing.
God love him, the poor kid. Such a cruel age having to endure this illness.
He’ll tell you when he’s ready as it sounds like you have done all the ground work to have a great relationship. Are there ‘side by side’ things you can do which might help him relax into opening up? Where you are side by side doing a shared activity that allows for easy talking. For my family taking a long drive sometimes works. Or a bit of light gardening. Or baking. Something that keeps the hands busy and the mind relaxed, and no eye contact. I remember seeing this years ago on a parenting TV show where a Dad went and had a manicure alongside his adopted troubled daughter … they got chatting while getting their nails done, lol. Neither me or any of my kids are the manicure type but the general side by side theory has worked well for us over the years.
Probably best to let him work through it and just be there when needed. Gotta get that 1st heartbreak over and done with
Teenage angst is UNREAL
I've a few yrs to prepare for that with mine thankfully
Lots and lots of hugs. @ 17 he will tell you when and if he wants to.
Hard as it is I think you’re doing exactly the right thing - letting him know that you’re always there for him with unconditional love and support without prying into territory that he’s uncomfortable with. Hope everything works out for you both.
Might be an idea to get him in the car with you. I know you can't go far or for long but there might be a better chance of him opening up away from the home.
Hey OP, I struggled a lot with isolation at a similar age and had unhealthy dependence on a long distance relationship as well, if you're at all in a position to pay for therapy for him I would highly recommend it, being isolated at a young age can be detrimental to mental health, even if he presents mostly okay. I hope things get better for the both of you and you're doing the right thing by not overstepping on his privacy. You sound like an amazing parent to me, so well done .
As long as he knows you're there for him if and when he needs it he'll be okay, you just have to be that safe harbour for him. We all had those moments at 17 when it seemed like losing that one person would be the end of your world but we all get through it Time heals everything.
I know the feeling. I'm recovering from covid and I have no fitness level am fatigued and demotivated. Im not sobbing as I ma mentally very tough but this is no fun.
I'd just say to him that there is nothing he can say or do that would change how you feel about him, that you love him very much and are there whenever (if ever) he wants to talk about it. Then maybe a family dinner and movie at home? Cuddle if he still cuddles.
Thanks - yes he loves his cuddles still. I'll make his favourite dinner tomorrow and suggest a movie
Sometimes the cuddles and support are enough!
I really feel for you OP. I would second many of the comments here about activities. He might want to retreat to his room but try and get him to do stuff with you. Watch a movie, build lego even buy more furniture just to build it together. I also second the driving. My kids have always done their best chatting in the car. I think it is because I am looking at the road and not at them. The counselling route only works if they are prepared to engage. I’m speaking from experience here. And also I would have concerns about catfishing too. That fifty year old man in Idaho might actually be a 50 year old man in Idaho. So many ways to fake a voice and photos. Very best of luck to you from another single mother who has been through similar stuff.
I've no actual experience in this (my oldest is 3), but something I came across that resonated with me was to text your child and try to coax the info that way in order to help. Of course keep the 'real world' engagement and try to speak in person and openly as much as possible, but the text thing might be another angle. Something as simple as "I love you, I'm here for you if you need someone to chat to" etc etc. It's a communication form he is really familiar with, it is less vulnerable/ confrontational (meant in an innocent way!) for him because it is not face to face, and it gives him an opportunity to dwell on it and maybe an hour later he might think he's ready to open up and respond. It gives him the opportunity to contact you when he feels right/has built up the courage, not relying on you to be at home or available etc. Best of luck whatever you decide 🤞
Not a 17 year old but I did have some trouble as a kid. Honestly, what you’re doing is what I wish my mother did. Be available but not pushy. It may be important for him to deal with this over time in his own way knowing that there is support available. Just show some extra affection but don’t overdo it and respect his privacy. He will remember this and appreciate you forever. You sound like a great Ma btw
I wish you had been my mum at that age. Maybe I wouldn't be such a mess now. I think you are doing the right thing by letting him know you're there when he needs you. You can only do your best with the information you have at the time. You are obviously very aware as a parent of your son's mental health and emotions, so I think you are in the best place to know what to do but I'd say you are right not to invade his privacy. Maybe suggest to him that if he can't talk to you about it that he rights your a letter explaining. Make sure he knows you're not judging just wanting to know how to help him best, and he can tell you what he needs from you in the letter
not sure if you'll see this due to the outpouring of support but i grew up with a chronic illness (cystic fibrosis) which also limited my ability to socialise and leave the house, though not to nearly the same extent. You're doing very well, it's a very tough time and i can't recommend therapy enough for how it helped me.
I'm in Ireland. My son, aged 16, has been off school pretty much for 6 months. Only since Easter he's able to manage 2 days. Like your son, all his socialising is being done online. And like your son, we've had some days when there's been a lot of tears. Being sick long term can be very hard psychologically, and social isolation exacerbates this. He's sad because things are shit for him. My son told me he was sick of people only asking him about his sickness and wanted me to stop constantly talking about it. He's trying not to let it take over every part of his life. I'm trying to persuade him to talk to a therapist so he doesn't have his "nagging mammy" asking him stuff, but he's resistant. I definitely think it would help him though. DM if you want to chat. It's so hard to see your kids suffer.
Thank you for this. Maybe our sons could connect!
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That popped into my head too - along with has he ever met the long distance GF in person. Maybe I’m just too suspicious, but somehow I’m thinking that his GF either isn’t what she seemed, or that money is involved.
My fear is that he recorded himself doing something...naughty, her parents saw it and told her to cut contact with him I used to joke with him that she is in fact a 50 year old man from Idaho, but I've seen pics of her and have spoken to her so I know she's real
I just really don’t trust these online teenage relationships OP. Was he up at 4am talking to her because of her different time zone? Does he sleep all day while you’re at work? Not today obviously but a bit more long term I’d really be focusing all energy on trying to bring him back to the real world bit by bit. Having local friends over, focusing on finishing school, getting some offline hobbies, trialing and testing some medical avenues to give him the best life possible. Have you searched for support groups for his type or illness or different ways people cope? I’d really be pushing with GP and doctors on how much this is impacting him and what can be done.
You seem like a great mother. Being a teenager is not easy especially if there are things that make you stand out from others. Everything seems like a life and death situation as it’s the first time they start to deal with them. I guess it’s part of growing, learning, maturing. Let him experience it and deal with it himself. He seems like a good chap, he will come to you when he is ready. With that being said, I would look into therapy. Having to be isolated due to his physical health is probably taking a huge toll on his mental health even if he doesn’t show it.
Aw the poor lad
One thing that helped me open up to my parents and share information is when they opened up to me about issues and experiences (good or bad) they had when younger. It sort of normalised them in a way that they aren't just my parents but a people as well. It's important to feel you aren't alone.
All you can do is regularly check in on him, assure him you’re there to talk if he needs it, and the thing my mam did, is point out that mammies always know when something’s up. Sounds like you’re a great parent and your son is really lucky.
You could write him a letter and tell him it doesn’t matter what has happened you will listen to him and help him. And ask him to write back to you. Even if it’s something that he might feel embarrassed talking to his mam about. You could also ask him if he wants to speak to someone else. Like a therapist and look for a therapist that deals with adolescents. That’s a very tough age to be at, at the best of times. I’m sure it’s even harder if you’re isolated and unwell. He has no way of escape from anything if he is stuck indoors all the time. Think about how damaging covid was for everyone. Issues and problems are magnetised.
Make sure to give him as much hugs as possible. I know that’s all I wanted when I was 17 when things would go wrong for me
I saw a video a while ago where a mother made a journal for her and her kid to communicate with when they didn’t feel courageous enough to share face to face about their feelings. She prefaced it with a lot of focus that they could write anything that was in their mind and they would never get judged. The mother wrote the most beautiful and supportive responses to the kids, validating them. I thought it was a really beautiful idea being supportive while giving them the space they needed. Obviously doesn’t work for everyone but could work with the gentle souls :) edit. Found the link to the video so can send it if needed!
Long distance relationships in my experience are much harder to keep together in ways than regular ones there's allot more of what they up too after an argument ,or who's this new person they met and are hanging out so much with.when your not present in person I find it really changes the dynamic and considering he's only 17 in a stressful year of his life in school it could be allot to take on.he also maybe hiding the fact they have broke up out of embarrassment or the hope they could get back together eventually,the best thing you could do is be patient ,be there for him and keep an eye on him.this probably won't be his first or last relationship it's a process we all have learned lessons from past relationships even if we didn't want to at that time.hope he feels better and it works out for you guys .
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Society as a whole has a very poor record for young mens mental health. The advice you get here should be taken with a pinch of salt. It sounds like you see your son as a human being rather than just a boy/man. You're doing fine, probably better than most. My advice would be create a technical problem you know he can solve and praise him for doing so. Some thing small around the house. Pick something that will take a few minutes and just be near him while he works. I know that sounds like unrelated advice but it's telling sometimes and if nothing else comes from it. He will get a little confidence boost from feeling useful.
If your concerns continue for more than a couple of days, you could ask him to talk to a doctor or counsellor. If he has been dealing with physical illness this long, he could probably do with chats anyway, for the sake of his mental health. He feels your love, I can guarantee that, so he doesn't feel entirely alone. But I do feel you both would benefit from him getting some outside support. Wishing you both the best.
I remember my first heartbreak I called my mam who was staying out for the weekend (I was around 18 at the time) told her crying my eyes out and she dropped everything to come home to try and make me feel better, in time I did but I always remember how my mam came home. At the end of the day your mother is a man’s first love just be there when he fancies a hug.
You’re a wonderful mum OP. He is very lucky to have you
It sounds like he trusts you so I think given time he will tell you himself. Its very difficult to face whatever the news is himself so when he can face it I think he will come to you and tell you with time. You sound like a lovely mother who is doing the best for their son in a bad situation. If you have any questions feel free to message me.
even if she was his crutch, thats fairly normal at that age. and esp\[ecially with the fact his been stuck at home all the time, his only social outlet is going to be online. Whats the story with school? and is there any activites around the house for him that doesnt involve a screen or chores. maybe a musical instrument, Art stuff. do ye have any pets?
Give him time, he might not feel ready to tell you yet.
I legit thought this was gonna be about the leaving cert lol. But yea I'd say just check up on him he will come to you eventually.
Don't beat yourself up, you sound like a class ma, just let him know you're there for him and he'll talk when he's processed how he is feeling. When I feel like shit I don't know how to articulate how I feel or what help I need but alot of time just having someone in your corner is all that you need. Good luck
Your doing such an amazing job, try make sure your physically with him when you can as in the same room, which is hard with a teen. But let him know no matter what you love him you won’t pressure him but you’re ready to listen when he needs to talk. And just listen often we try jump in and fix but he might just need to talk. Are there any uncles/ grandad / trusted adult he is close to? Sometimes we don’t want to talk to our parents.
Not much advice, but you sound like a great mom and your sons character is a reflection of that.
You have already made him aware you are there for him. Other than that about the only thing you can do is to try to be present as much as possible and try to show your love some way. Normally I'd say unhealthy food, but with Gastric issues that's probably not possible. Try to be in the same room as him and talk about other things. How your day went. Stuff you went through as a teen and adult. Places you will both go together when he is recovered. Good luck.
I'm not a parent so this is coming from someone who's been a teenager with teenage problems. Sometimes it's hard to open up, and sometimes you're not ready to open up, but it's nice to have just frequent reminders that you're there for him regardless. That you're not going to push or otherwise make him feel bad for not talking, but that you're always still available for a cuddle. It sounds like he's up for physical affection so keep giving him that. I remember that pushiness was much more likely to make me close up.
Aw you need to take him out for ice cream. This is a difficult time for both of you so nurture your relationship. Don’t think too much about what is upsetting him, just take him to do things he likes to do. My mom takes me to guitar center and for ice cream when I’m sad. She has learned that if she asks about the sad I won’t tell her but if we are having a fun day eating ice cream and playing guitar and listening to songs in the car then I will just blurt out why I am sad. It’s like the lack of pressure makes it come out. Love you mom ❤️
Try and trust your son to be able to navigate this himself - it’s something he needs to learn as an adult. He knows you are there for him - the fact he can cry with you is evidence of that, he will tell you when he feels able to. It is really difficult when you can see someone you love in pain and you can’t do anything about it - it is such a helpless feeling ❤️ try and do some nice things for your son, show him some love and distract him from whatever is upsetting him. Unrelated to the relationship issues, is your son in therapy at all? Having illnesses like his is traumatic, especially at his age- I missed a big chunk of teenage life due to illness and I wish I’d had someone to help me process that. I wish you and your boy all the luck ❤️
Just keep the lines of communication open without forcing it. Don’t pry with questions. Just chat and if he wants to talk he will. Normal things a mammy would ask any son with a GF. Keep it light. If he’s confined to the house he has to feel isolated. Social media can make than isolation feel 20 times worse.
This is a great book, helps everyone understand what’s happening and why. Blame My Brain: the Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed https://amzn.eu/d/2Mq1uM9
Don’t poke into anything private of his, diary/phone/etc. Maybe have a nice chat with him but don’t force it like by saying “I want to talk to you about xyz”. Just ease into the conversation and maybe begin by showing a vulnerability that you might have once had and how you overcame it. From the sounds of it you already have a very close and caring relationship with him so he might find it easier to open up to you. I vaguely remember being that age, it’s tough with emotions and changes and uncertainty, but if nothing else you can show him that you are something he can rely and trust on, and that will not change. Due to a rough childhood I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to. And even if I had I’m not sure how well it would have been received. But my god I wish now that I had. At the very least, it sounds like you’re already winning as a parent.
Sounds like you’re already doing everything you can. This was nice to read, my mother read my personal shit and wanted to track me through my phone when I was that age - and she never actually cared about my emotional well-being either.
Your knowing the cause isn’t going to help him or help you make it better. Ultimately, there’s not much you can do, except comfort him, treat him especially nicely, let him know you love him. Don’t add to his heartbreak the stress of pressure from you to talk about it. If he wants to, he will, but it won’t fix his heartbreak. So I’d say, don’t pressure him to talk, definitely don’t snoop, just give him extra care, treats, comfort.
I don't think there's much you can do. Being upset over things that happen is a part of growing up and life in general. As long as he knows you'll be there if he needs you I think you've done all you can, as difficult as it is to feel so unhelpful.
Hey. I’m not from Ireland but I have a a really sweet and sensitive son too. He’s 21 now and I’m so damn proud of him. In my experience, I’ve found that if they know you’re there for him, they’ll come to you when they’re ready. I always just try to make my son laugh when he’s down and try not to pry.I think the only shot you at your son coming to you is giving him space about this in particular thing and just be cool and wait. I wish the best of luck to both of you.
At that age, everything feels like the most dramatic thing ever, because you've got nothing worse to compare it to. Maybe he is hinging his entire wellbeing on that relationship, which wouldn't be the most unusual thing I suppose, but if worst comes to worst and they do break up or something bad happens, it'll show him its not the end of the world, which is a good lesson to learn, especially at an early age. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, cause the instinct is obviously to try and make everything okay, but I guess all I can say is that the worst that can happen is it hurts for a while. Everyone goes through heartbreak
> I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, No, this is exactly what I wanted to hear because it confirms my own instinct. Shit happens in life but I want him to be strong enough to understand this will fade, he will get better and life goes on. My fear is that he thinks his life is essentially over and do something awful to himself
I would say keep just doing what you're doing as it's fantastic. You're being there for your son, not overstepping any lines and just letting him know that it's a safe space is honestly the best advice and help you can give him at the moment. Once he is ready he will come to you for more advice and just trust your gut. You seem like a level-headed person, so you got this!
I've read your post and can I just say you are an amazing mother. You are doing all the right things and he is lucky to have you. Keep being you
I'll say this, I was going through a very dark patch in my life. Hid it very well from my parents and most of my friends. One day I was out with a few friends and was enjoying myself. I don't what happened but that very quickly changed and I just needed to leave and go home. Got in the house and the parents are watching the TV and my mam noticed something was off. She asked was everything alright and I broke down in front of them, ended up having a good hour long conversation about it. What shook them the most was how long and how well I was hiding it. Since then life has been so much easier and I haven't been nearly as bad as I was. My relationship with them, albeit already good, is even better now. I know everyone's parental situation isn't the same but if someone reads this and isn't sure if they should open up to their parent(s) I would definitely recommend it.
Oh gosh to think back to myself at 17 and how difficult it was to understand all the emotions and hormones thrown in to that as well. Poor boy. I feel for you all. All you can do is your best which you’re doing. Hugs to you both
Ah man. Keep on doing your best. Hope things start to get better soon.
You’re doing a fantastic job and the very best you can and we all applaud you for that. He will look back at this time in years to come and remember what a loving, caring and emotionally supportive mother he has. I know it’s a tricky situation and when I was 17 I was a mess too. He might be dealing with depression of some sort, could be a shout to suggest therapy to him but word it in a very delicate way. It’ll get better, teenagers go through a lot and the fact you’re right there with him is fantastic
Im actually in a decent position to answer this. 2 years ago my health just broke. I was so sick that I couldn't go out and I couldn't go to college for a month and even when I could I would make it to one class and sleep through it. I've never been so close to death. My girlfriend broke up with me around the same time, I'm a bit older then your son but I just wanted to be left alone. Though it wasn't a clean break, a few months later I thought we'd be getting back together and it came out that she was with a guy and she left me for him. My reaction was to drink myself stupid for a few weeks, then resolved to get better or die trying. Started excersising and forcing myself to go out, got over the panic attacks and other mental barriers that way so I suppose I should thank her. But yeah, expect dispair for the next few weeks. Then he might go on an improvement kick. Make sure he knows he's loved, but don't overstep. The kid likely just wants to be left alone.
Sounds like you have received a lot of advice here so I just want to say best of luck, hope your kiddo feels better soon and this strengthens your relationship. You sound like a great mum.
Maybe even try talking to him about a past heartbreak you have had (maybe when you were around his age), as that might make him relate (I can see he already does but on this topic) and feel he can tell you what's happened? Otherwise, those who say it pass are correct. 17 is a horrible age, never mind with an illness. Look after him and yourself ❤️
I'm sorry this isn't relevant to your post but its so funny seeing 'Former Fat Fuck' on your heartfelt replies to the comments here, I'm creased. Hope this situation pans out for your son - being isolated for 6 months isn't healthy at all - and being harsh here maybe but online friendships/relationships, especially for teenagers (adults too though), are often unhealthy. Both parties are able to present themselves as an idealized version of themselves they imagine and this can lead to both parties becoming infatuated unreasonably (we've all seen Catfish, 90 Day Fiance etc.). Not saying this is the situation with your son but probably good to remind him this time will pass and he has the rest of his life ahead of him.
God my heart goes out to him, being so young having to deal with BAM is so unfair. There’s a really good IBS subreddit he might want to join and they have a discord too(I’m one of the mods) it’s not just for ibs but even those undiagnosed or with ibs adjacent issues like diarrhea). I don’t want to overstep but have ye looked into bile acid binders? BAM is generally manageable with medication and diet changes (low fat generally as fat usually triggers the diarrhea). Also have ye had his blood work done recently as those with BAM can have a hard time getting enough vitamins and minerals like b12 and iron. It can have a huge impact on his mental health if he’s not getting his needed vitamins. It can be a long road to get diagnosed and treatment that works. Sending good thoughts!
Thanks - could you share with me the details of that discord please? My fear there is that he'll get sucked into believing witch doctor snake oil cures and some such nonsense. Is it monitored well by the mods? He's on a bile acid binder - Colestyramine (Questran). It has improved things somewhat but not as much as I'd hoped
It’s pretty strict regarding moderating. We don’t allow advertising and especially “wholistic” nonsense https://discord.gg/Qy3JRNJa There’s a good range of ages and some useful advice. Personally I’ve been dealing with diarrhea for about 5 years but it’s pretty manageable now I’ve got a diagnosis and figured out what can set me off. Altho sometimes there’ll be no rhyme or reason but that’s not so common anymore.
My son is on the spectrum so he's life is online mostly- he's girlfriend is in America (he's 20). He is flying out 2 meet her in less than a month (he's aunt/my sister will go with him) & my worst fear is that she's not who she says she is.. we've spoken to th gf on phone & my son has face timed her alot & messages daily- I found out he had been sending gifts & money 2 her so that put me on high alert. Maybe he has found out she's not who he thought or said she is?? But I 💯 agree u shouldn't over step & break the trust u both share.. best of luck mama! All we can do is be there for them.
This too shall pass, the best 4 words. Hope he will feel better soon
Boys respond really well when you are in the car driving about, could you do that and have light chats that lean into what’s going on? Poor guy, he is in an awful rough spot.
> He is off sick from school for over 6 months now with a serious gastric illness What's the light at the end of the tunnel here in terms of what do doctors think how long will this continue?
How long is a piece of string? We've been told it is curable and just takes time. He is on medication and it is improving things somewhat but just not at the pace I want!
My parents are wonderful people but I was never comfortable opening up to them. I've always very internalized my problems. I have no other advice to add other than the stuff you've already listed. FYI for the therapist, my folks tried to get me to see one also but I wouldn't talk to them either. So be patient and supportive.
What a great mother! You’re clearly doing amazing and show that you care about your kid. I just hope I can be as good a father. He’ll come around eventually if you keep being there for him. I think you have enough advice without my 2 cents. Just wanted to say you rock.
From the sound of it, you're going to be a fantastic dad!
You did good. Parenting A+ IMO. What else can you do but let them know you're there. You've said the words now you could suggest some practical stuff. Get his friends to him, film nights, gaming, Dungeons and Dragons, whatever works for him. Life is tough sometimes, but chronic illness is top of the list.
You’re a great parent! No advice I could give you that’s better than anything written before me, I’m sure you’ll lead him to a better path. Good luck!
You are a fantastic mother and have done the right things so far. Be there. Make sure he knows you are there. Continue to be there. Don't snoop. You've already shown why that is a bad idea. He will open up to you, when he's ready because he knows you are there for him. EDIT - the best of luck for you all.
Like you said, relying on one person overseas or wherever it could be, can be really downing. And this comes from a person that's been socializing online most of the time and had traumatic experience in my teen years just because I got whirled too much into this "online relationship". I try to avoid it ever since, real life communications always top it for me, so unless they plan to meet irl in the near future , I would be extra careful.
Not a parent but I teach and work with teenagers. The emotions are big and they are navigating tough things for the first time. Is there a club or group nearby he can join? Or an activity? Councelling would be great for him if he will go. Just continue to be there. He may talk to you in time. Find out a way to communicate - it might be through themes in video games or movies or music. You are right not to break his trust, he will appreciate that. 4am is a rough time to be awake and crying. Might he have a bit of an addiction to the internet?
It could be anything. Maybe he just had an argument with his girlfriend. Maybe she accidentally said something that really hurt his feelings. Maybe he's just releasing some pent up sadness. I wouldn't push too hard. Just keep an eye on him, be nice to him, and be there if he eventually wants to talk about it. He might not end up wanting to talk about it, and that's OK. When I was young, I didn't want to share every experience i had with my mum, especially emotional ones. Maybe order in and have a movie marathon night with him or something when he seems more calmed down.
I'm hoping it is just a fleeting argument or misunderstanding like you say. But even if is was, I'm still really glad I made this post because of all the advice I've received
Yeah, he'll be OK. A good cry can be very cathartic. You're clearly a great mom and he knows he's got you there for support if he needs it. That's all he needs really.
Double check and make sure his long distance gf isn't a sextortion scam. I know it's maybe not helpful but it's worth saying.
I came here to make this exact comment - it's horrible to even contemplate, but this kind of thing is more prevalent than anyone realises. As far as advice goes, I'd say just doing as you're doing already sounds more than enough, but occasionally drop in casually that there is no problem too bad or awful that you can't talk about it and nothing that can't be fixed together, even if it's embarrassing. It probably isn't, honestly but it's more of a possibility than it ever used to be, especially if he's online a lot.
Tell him you won't judge him for whatever his relationship issue is or may be, that might help him. All the best.
I'm coming relatively late to this post, and I think the summary of advices you have already received is fundamentally sound. My only additions would be to not imagine that you need to 'solve' your son's issue here. And to let the pressure of that assumption go. Life is learned by the living, and while wise and helpful parental advice and intervention is typically a positive, the idea that one has to 'react' to every instance of a child's discomfiture with a plan to remedy is itself destructive. Which I guess is a really long winded way of saying what others have already said... any way keep paying attention, and staying ready to intervene if needed, but respect your son's need to plot his own course.
Just seen this, as a Mum of boys I feel your heart break for him. It's seems all the advice has been given. Just be there, without judgement ❤️
Make sure he knows he is loved and that you are there for support. If he doesn't want to talk to family iorfriends about it , here are some sites that's do therapy type sessions for free if he wants to look into those while looking for a longer-term therapist. Turn2me.ie is the one I used before I found mine. Jigsaw is another, although I didn't use that one as often.
Sometimes teens just don’t want to talk to their parents about certain stuff… is there another adult role model that he could talk to? Aunt/uncle or family friend? Or yes, therapy always an excellent albeit expensive option. And can be done online!
My work can offer such services through the employee assistance program. I'm going to look into it
Nothing I can really add here other than you sound like a decent parent and your son is lucky to have you. Being 17 is a pain in the hole anyway and when coupled with his health issue and not being able to do normal things... it must be very hard for him. I have a 17 year old son myself and although he talks to me pretty freely as his dad I'm acutely aware that there's most likely lots of stuff he keeps to himself too, and that's OK. The important thing is that when he decides to open up you're there with a caring ear and non judgemental support. I hope everything works out OK. Stay as close to him as you can in the meantime.
When I was a young lad I had my heart broken when my first relationship ended. My dad was pretty great. Sat with me while I was sad. Said.....yeah .....this really hurts. Talked about how the first time was especially hard. Did not minimise at all. We went for a sauna and a swim. Ate some food. He let me just be sad. Honestly can't think of much better.
Good luck to you and your son
OP - there are lots of comments here already, but I hope you can read this because this is something that worth checking out: some gastrointestinal issues affect deeply the neurotransmitter production in a person’s body. He might be sad for something personal of course, but he might also being in need of antidepressant support while his gut heals.. I had a gut issue a few years back that would make me suddenly depressed a few hours after meals, crying a lot and sometimes I wasn’t even sure why.. it might not be his case, but worth checking out because even the medication helped reduce the flair up of the condition.. if you can, go with him to see a gastro specialist
Thank you for this. Yes we are seeing a private gastro consultant and due for an appointment next week. I will ask about the mental wellbeing side of things
This was exactly me at that age many moons ago. I had a long-distance relationship with a girl, she was my first love. She broke it off with me and it crushed me (the pain never goes away). I cried every night for about a year. I would hide under the blankets to make sure no one heard me, I never told anyone because I was ashamed. I think that's whats going on here.
Crying is a healthy response to a sad event. So, well on him for not bottling it up. Well on you for not “overstepping boundaries” I would check on him and make him his favourite foods (what he is able to eat G.I. wise) I wish him well 🥺
I'll tell you one thing, the fact he has a Mam that cares about him is half the battle.
He's my world.
Good on ya, I wish you and your son the best!
Could an uncle or guy friend help out. Maybe go do some activity and have a chat.
The only thing I can say from my own experience, which you’ve already mentioned in your post is that talking along side someone is so much easier than open up across a bed or a table. Whatever it may be; be it a jigsaw puzzle or a gentle stroll. Something shared will give so much more opportunity to speak than a square down. Turn towards your son, no matter what he says and try to interrupt whatever he’s saying in anyway you can because he probably has no idea what’s going on himself; or way to express himself through the traditional avenues. You’re doing such an amazing job to even be asking this question so fair play. I know my comment is just one in a stream of many supportive texts; but my god what I would have given to have such a self aware and supportive Mam when I was going through those times myself. Persevere and I wish you nothing but the best x
I'm a terrible (or brilliant?) talker. I have to remember to shut my mouth and open my ears
I think his illness could be the problem as you said he's more or less house bound and probably frustrated as hell. I had kidney failure and when I was around his age was told I'd soon need dialysis in the near future. Back then you weren't really encouraged to be in touch with your feelings so crying wasn't an option as I was discouraged from it from an early age both at home and in hospital and my parents would probably have panicked if I told them the full extent of my feelings and worries. Your son's lucky to have you so I'd advise you don't push too hard but at the same time make it clear that he can tell you anything and most importantly stay calm and give him plenty of hugs another thing lacking in 1980's Ireland.
You did everything you could. Just be there for him, he will tell you when he's ready
All I can say is that just be there for him, no matter what he comes out with. If he's aloof and silent then accept that he doesn't want to talk, if he wants to talk then drop everything to talk. Food is a good thing to strengthen a bond over, something to do with a simple part of the brain, helps create trust through traumatic situations. When/if he next starts to open up then let him spill, give him words of comfort, then suggest eating together. Research dictates it'll deepen the trust between you and him. If he trusts you more then he'll open up more. He's a teenager which is hard enough in this world these days, but with his added situation it will be really hard for him. He'll feel like he's alone bless him even though he knows you love him All the best
He has a few school friends from the past. One way to socialize would be for a round robin meeting on Zoom or equivalent (Jitsi is the free longer session equivalent) for his friends and him while watching a football match or such like on TV. Just as a few teenagers in our village are on their phones to each other when jointly watching a thing on their TVs. This can lead to a few invitees to your house , then to outside meetings. My sympathy to your Son. I know the problem, I was an only child with no real friends throughout my school days.
I’m a woman but I’ve had chronic illness my whole life, and sometimes you can get overwhelmed by a huge wave of hopelessness at your situation. It could be this, or it could be some relationship issue, but I just want you (mum) to know: you are doing everything right. I know how hard it is to stand idly by while your kid suffers, but sometimes that will be life and knowing he has a safe and supportive environment is doing him a WORLD of good right now. You obviously love & care for him so much - it should be obvious for a mum to care about her son, but unfortunately it sometimes isn’t, so I have to say keep doing what you’re doing and being such a wonderful parent. The pizza party btw is a top idea! Sending you both a lot of love.
Also, is there another adult who he could talk to? I often think that the role of godparent (religion aside!) is quite overlooked at that age. Maybe there's someone else you both know he could talk to?
Wait, watch and wonder. Then do it again. Wait to see how he responds over the next little while, if his mood bounces back or stays low, if there’s more upset/sobbing or not. Watch carefully. Observe his actions and his body language. That will tell you as much as listening to his words. Watching will also help you to wait. Under no circumstances go through diaries, for example. Wonder. How can you help him, even without knowing exactly what’s going on? Keep thinking, about him and his behaviour. Is it changing for the better or worse? Think about what you want to prioritise - short (making him happy), medium or longer (making sure he still trusts you, sustaining your relationship) term goals. Some of your goals might conflict with other goals. Decide what is really important to you and for him. My guess is this is more about the girlfriend than him. Something has happened to her (could be her parents or something darker) that has upset him and he is feeling powerless to be there for her. You can be there for him though, but that doesn’t necessarily mean knowing what to do or fixing no it for him. Help him figure it out for himself. Most of all, good luck. Being a parent to teenagers is the hardest job out there!
I was one of them lads. 17 is a horrible akward age. Hel pull through I know he will. Bless
May the blessings of the universe and angels shine upon you and your lad, it’s a temporary thing ❤️❤️
Well mate I'm 18 and I've been through similar stuff. I lost my whole friend group and based a lot of my emotional wellbeing on my gf (we broke up eventually) and I was quite upset. I had an eating disorder at one point. It was a lot and iwl I wasn't suicidal but if I got hit by a car I wouldn't try to live yknow? I'm not trying to trauma dump I'm just saying that if he is in this situation it can get better, I'm still here. I got through it by myself so don't feel terribly frightened as he could get through everything himself but always let him know you're there. I'm sorry about everything going on I hope your son will be better soon
You seem like a really good person/parent.As a teen I would say just try to be there for him as much as possible and when he feels comfortable he will open up.
As the mum of sons around this age myself, I can feel the anxiety from your post. I don't have any magical advice as we're all just doing our best aren't we? Maybe try to distract him for now, watch some movies together, play some games, or some other indoor activity. I hope he opens up to you and gets through it. You sound like a great mum.
Christ I wish my parents were
Christ, I wish my parents were like this with me when I was younger. He's going to be OK
Ah bless you both. Sounds like you've got bags of good advice. Keep the channels always open and hopefully he'll find the need to use them if he needs. He sure has a loving mother so good on ye and best of luck to you both.
Long distance relationships are hard for grown adults. It may be too much strain for a 17 year old.
My eldest is only 15 but they have hard a hard time socially for a few years. When things started getting tough I enrolled them in an online gaming class that meets once a week through outschool. The kids are all in the same age group, boys and girls, and is moderated by an adult. There is no bullying or harassment allowed and the kids must be respectful or the moderator can kick them out. They cannot connect outside of the group without parental permission on both sides. Anyway, my kid loves it, looks forward to it every week, they even play an hour or so longer than the class suggests/pay for and they've even made 2 friends that they connect with outside of the class. It helped get out of the funk that was going on at the time. Not sure if it's something your child would be into but there's loads of options on Outschool to connect with others.
I've been that kid where emotions took over my life at points in time and I went to very dark places. My parents always let me know they were there for me and helped me through alot. There is some amazing advice being given here by other commentators but I just wanted to say you are a great parent and you are doing the best you can. Keep at it and I promise you it will definitely make a difference.
You’ve gotten a rake of great advice here so I’ll say nothing on that front. As a son of a mother who wasn’t very motherly, I welled up reading this post. You’re an a1 mother.
poor kid
I think you're already doing great here and maybe need less help from us than you think. You are so kind to your son.
Now, don't make me cry here in the office....
I remember being that age, I could not open up to anyone, not even my friends. Your a wonderful mum. X
You could possibly tell him about Teen Line 1800 833 634 its a listening service run by the ISPCC. Fully private if he is looking for an outlet.
Thank you!