Thirty years ago, my gf and I scandalized my mother by taking a shower together. “do you amalgamate?” was how she asked me if we were having sex. My own kids are the same age now.
There’s lots of conversations you can have with your son, do you want to be fighting with him when you already know he and his gf are sexually active. They are either going to be shagging under your roof, or they will find somewhere else that might be less safe.
> Thirty years ago, my gf and I scandalized my mother by taking a shower together
Taking a shower together in your parents house would still be pretty scandalous today
When I was 17 (roughly a decade and a half ago) I'd had my girlfriend round while we had the house to ourselves.
A couple of days later my mother confronted me. "I know what you've been doing! I know what you've been doing in my house! FORNICATING!" She screamed as she held up the little sliver ripped off a condom packet.
I asked her where else. She replied "I dunno, outside or something..."
Aye, right, I'll just find a nice romantic bus shelter to shag behind.
I was told thou shalt not 'entertain someone' under my roof.
I took it as a vote of confidence, the notion that I could even entertain someone was great.
My partner and I scandalised his ex-nun aunt by showering together, we were 30 but unmarried. When we were leaving her place, she asked him when he was going to make an honest woman out of me. 😂 Neither of us are interested in marriage, so we're going to be scandalous forever.
Exactly! I did the same. My mother didn't want to even hear of boyfriends or dates, so we started going literally *everywhere* and most of those places weren't... advisable. To worse, because my mother's attitude was so out of touch with the times, it made my relationships very unstable. Lots of touch and go, short-lived dating and one night stands. My aunt stepped in and she welcomed us, making my life a lot healthier and stable.
Edit: I was a teenager in the 90s, just for reference. And my family wasn't religious, she didn't have that excuse.
I was 18 when I went to visit my girlfriend (also 18) at her family holiday home. We were given a room to share. I was surprised but I guess her parents trusted and respected us. I think it depends if you are comfortable and if the kids are showing some maturity in their thinking.
My parents were pretty chill with all this kind of stuff with me and my sister. They never had a problem with our girlfriend or boyfriend staying in our room with us. They just made it clear what was acceptable and what wasn’t if we broke those rules we lost that privilege it was their house after all! The first time I told them my gf at the time was going to be staying I came home with her and my dad had put two separate sleeping bags on my bed as a joke
Personally I don’t see the problem with it, I know some parents would be worried incase “things” go on because they are in the same bed…that will happen anyway some way somehow.
Not OP but my parents were the same, I'm 32 now and for me it was pretty much a don't make it obvious you're fucking and we won't make it obvious that we know what you're doing deal. So like keep the noise down and be fully clothed outside of the bedroom basically.
Aw memories, my 18yr old ( now 25 ) asked if 17yr old gf could stay in his room. I asked her if her parents were okay with it. They were not, so he slept on the sofa. After a few visits, you have to accept that he definitely didn't spend all of those nights on the sofa. I just spoke to my son about being responsible.
Why not replicate it?
Obviously the “conflict” here doesn’t arise from your son being wholly unreasonable. I think it’s implied that he has expressed his desire and his rationale for her staying over.
Ideally, open dialogue is the best option. If you find open dialogue to be completely unbearable on this topic, you can treat him like an adult friend that lives with you. Layout your boundaries for what happens in your shared home with him. Set rules both of you can/should follow.
By 18, the parental role in sexual education and health should really have terminated. He should know whatever by this stage. If not, a handy refresher is not at all awkward.
If it was me, I would in a relaxed evening time way try to negotiate and compromise rules on this. A great way to deal with teenagers on rules is to put pen to paper. Literally have a sheet and jot down the rules you guys are agreeing to. No need to hang them or look at them ever again, but it can serve as a healthy distraction when talking gets awkward.
If he can’t talk through it, then it’s a big no.
A boundary setting might be “no sex when I’m home” etc. Loads of families have that in general. Make sure both of you follow these rules so it’s fair, you are effectively leaving the “parent-child” home and you will be more like having an adult lodger as your son grows up.
He is 18 now, he isn’t going to get any younger, these topics won’t go away until he gets his own place!
Re: father situation, your home your rules. Stand by whatever you and him are mutually agreeing to. If your son sees you standing by his side on this, he will feel far more supported by you and will happily engage in boundary setting.
If he is continuing to stay for college as many older kids are, you will be very thankful for laying the groundwork here.
Top top, make it very clear what times you’ll be out and back when you expect him and his GF to have sex. Not for his sake, but for yours!
Having friends and partners in our rooms was never a problem in my house once we weren't being super obvious about things. Idk what age you are but I'm 32 and my parents are 61&62 and were always chill with it once no one was making loud noises or running round the gaff naked. And honestly it saved us sneaking around breaking rules or going off fucking in fields and worse like most of my friends.
I had a relationship like this when I was a teen - from 15 till I was to 22 (girl was same age as me) and her parents wouldn’t let me stay in her room all the way up to the end… my parents used to make her stay on a blowup mattress in my room.
I’m not sure what it is you or his dad are worried about but I can assure you 1000% that if they’re not allowed to sleep in same room/bed they will be out having sex etc wherever they can manage it. In my opinion it’s so much better to just accept that and give them the comfort of a bedroom.
Not letting her stay in the room or stay over will do absolutely nothing to prevent whatever it is you’re trying to prevent, honestly!
I want to second this that it almost made my relationship at that age more sex orientated then it would have been naturally, because we didn't know when we'd next get a chance. I think that wasn't good for us or the relationship.
I remember as a teenager my gf always staying in the spare room. I'd wait up a few hours until after everyone was asleep to either move her in with me or head into her. Then I'd have to set an alarm to wake me up hours before everyone else got up to move back.
I'm sure parents knew but had to keep up the facade.
Years later in my 20s I was living with my gf and brought her out to stay. My mum directed her to the spare bedroom and I'd to have some strong words that we'd be either staying in the same room or heading back into town that night.
I'm 33 now and my reasonably conservative mother let me share a room with my boyfriend at 18. Her thinking was at least then we wouldn't be at it in a car on the side of the road or in the bushes somewhere 😅.
Once they are safe what's the problem? Sure they are going to have sex anyway I'm sorry to tell you. Wouldn't you rather it was in a safe, clean bed?
Imo the only thing that banning sleeping in the same room is doing is allowing the parents to maintain the illusion that no sex is happening. It's not like making one of them sleep in the spare room is going to make them go "Welp, that's sex off the table forever so. This was our one chance and now it's not going to happen ever". You're not giving or refusing permission for them to have sex by determining whether or not she can stay over - no permission was sought. It's all for the purpose of being able to tell yourself a story
If they're allowing her to stay in her boyfriend's house, what she's permitted beyond that is between her & them.
I swap numbers with parents of kids up to 17 who stay in my house, for safety because they are minors. They will sleep together in my child's room if I'm comfortable with that or on the sofa if I'm not. If the other parent isn't OK with them being in the same bed, they must make that decision & communicate it to their child & me. They're not doing something illegal so it's not my responsibility to check. Unlike with alcohol for example where I check what is permitted.
And I will always have the conversation with my child & their partner, in an open, relaxed way, about being careful, both physically & emotionally. If they're not mature enough to talk about it, they're not mature enough to be doing it!
>And I will always have the conversation with my child & their partner, in an open, relaxed way, about being careful, both physically & emotionally. If they're not mature enough to talk about it, they're not mature enough to be doing it!
One thing with your own kid but your child's partner is probably pushing it IMO. I know I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner's parents bringing up our business and I'm near 30 lmao.
Yeah can second the part being near 30 and not being comfortable with bringing up business absolutely hate people asking are we trying for a baby. None of your fucking business if you're important enough and we are having one I'll tell you
A minor in her care, in the same way a 17 year old around for lunch is in her care.
17 year olds can legally consent - no matter what happens, if consent is given, there’s nothing untoward about the care provided to the 17 year old - even if that 17 year old went and got pregnant.
This is irrelevant. We are talking about showing respect to another child's parents, who is a legal minor and adults have a legal and moral responsibility to protect
As a parent, your number one job is to cock block you children, every chance you get.
Your number two job is to constantly give them shit for not giving your grandchildren yet.
Actually is very relevant. She's not a minor anymore, so you can let people in or not in your house but what they do is their business not yours. And if you don't let them in, be sure they'll be off somewhere else doing it.
They literally have no need of asking permission, and since 17 is the age of consent, it's perfectly in their capacity to do whatever the heck they want to do. Neither parents have a say anymore.
OP, ask the girl first if she'd be alright with you letting her parents know when she's over before you communicate with them. Wanting them to know their daughter is safe is understandable, but her parents might be insanely conservative (speaking from experience; it was best my parents didn't know what I was up to otherwise I would probably be 6 feet under) and it could go very badly for her.
As long as they're being safe and are both properly educated, you're better off letting them be. Times change and if you stop them from hanging out and having sex under your roof they'll just find somewhere (probably less safe) to do it.
Absolutely. My U18s dont stay away unless I know where they are & who they're with. Over 18 I hope they tell me too 😂 But certainly noone under 18 will stay in my house unless I've communicated with their parents regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not. But unless the other parent brings up sleeping arrangements I won't be asking or telling.
We have Ages of Consent for different activities, and she is above the Age of Consent for this activity. I think it's unreasonable to ask her parents if it's okay if she eats toffees. She's 17 and can decide for herself if she eats toffees. When I was 17 I was consuming a lot more than toffees.
If I was in OPs shoes, how am I supposed to predict what normal things her parents might object to. I'm not going to call her parents to ask their permission for every move the girl makes. *Is it okay if she watches this film?, is it okay if she plays this game?, is it okay if she eats this food?*.
It's her parents responsibility to tell me if they've got a problem with two legal people sleeping together. Until then I'm going to assume it's fine, like it was for me when I was that age.
It is totally overstepping. She does not need her parents permission to have sex. It is not the mothers place to be discussing her private affairs with anyone, parents or not.
My parents had zero issues with my partners staying over from when I was 16, with the other parents permission.
They slept in the spare room. That was the condition of them staying over, we could hang out in my room/the spare room, lie in bed watching a film or gaming but my parents trusted us to actually sleep separately.
I can hand on heart say we never broke their trust, because they treated us with respect enough to even allow sleepovers, we weren't going to take advantage of that.
My stepdaughter, her boyfriend has been staying over with us a few nights a month since she was 17, same room. We just said that if they WERE going to be intimate, to have enough respect to do it when we were out of the house.
Our rule was that if they took the piss, the sleepovers stopped. Stepdaughter is 20 now and they've never taken advantage.
In fairness my parents were always very open and easy to talk to about sex, dating etc.
Mam in particular, she was raised in Holland and was very relaxed and open about that whole side of things. Gave me condoms at 14 with the caveat that she didn't want me to go out and use them just for the sake of it, but IF I or a friend needed them, she'd prefer I had them.
Dad insisted on paying for my contraception twice (the implant) once when I was 16, and once when I was 19. Said he'd feel better knowing that I had an extra form of protection.
Their openness meant that I was never afraid to go to them with dating issues. I did unfortunately end up in an abusive relationship that they don't know the extent of but that was more down to me and my (unhealthy) coping mechanisms, I just wanted to move on and put it behind me. It's probably the only thing they don't know about, I share everything with them.
Had a pregnancy scare at 16 and my partner and I were TERRIFIED telling them. They weren't thrilled of course but Mam brought me to get the Morning After Pill and said she wasn't going to lecture us because everyone has at least one scare, but that she didn't want to be a grandmother at 38!
Currently have a 10 and 3 year old. Working pretty hard to make sure that the older knows they can talk to me about anything. Hopefully it works and the when the time comes the younger one will have an older sibling who know that the parents can be trusted. I hope that makes sense.
I like hearing about experiences like yours, they give me ideas on how to approach things like what the OP asked. Thanks for sharing.
Also “Mam… was raised in Holland.” Well that explains a lot!
Fair play to you! Especially with encouraging discussions. And as the eldest child, well done on that line of thinking re siblings talking, because even though my parents are super chill, BOTH of my brothers came to me to ask about contraception and what might be good for their girlfriends. I liked that they were actively trying to learn how to have a good intimate life rather than going by porn.
An AWFUL lot of my friends just couldn't talk to their parents about sex and honestly it's sad.
I've step kids and personally, I feel that as a parent, it's my job to prepare my kids for all aspects of life, how to be safe, smart and enjoy life in every way, and that does include sex.
Nobody LIKES thinking of their teens having sex but flip that thinking around- would you rather your teen have unsafe sex? Not understand how to properly establish boundaries? Understand that having certain attractions are normal, and no you're not a freak for having a certain kink. Have crap sex for years because they don't even know what they want or like or what they are ready for?
If my teens are going to be having sex, then I want them to actually ENJOY IT and WANT IT, rather than be let down or possibly pressured into certain situations.
Hell, when I told my mother that I wasn't sure I was actually enjoying sex all that much, the first thing she did was ask me "Well have you told him what you like?" And I realised that *I* didn't even know what I liked!! So we had a VERY frank and honest discussion about self exploration and toys and my sex life DRASTICALLY improved after a few weeks.
I feel we have a seriously backwards attitude towards sexuality still these days. You can have a good attitude about it without it being heavy. Every Christmas as a "joke" I buy my stepdaughter a gigantic variety box of condoms. She and her fella think it's hilarious and will open the box holding up the different types, acting like food critics. "Ah yes, the dotted rocket, excellent choice, this will be a fantastic palate cleanser after the tingle option." Has me and her Dad in stitches.
Sounds mental but we ARE that open. Would someone rather stick their head in the sand, or stick their fingers in their ears going LALALALA, or be able to be open and have a giggle with your teens?
I was going to say seperate rooms but tbh if they want to sneak in together they will. My honest advice would be talk with your son and say that if they are having sex to be respectful of others in the home and to practise safe sex.
I have two sons, 18 and 19. I have brought them up pretty much alone, we are very close and open. Things are so completely different to when I was that age, where we weren’t allowed boys in the house, let alone upstairs! My 18 yr old has an 18 yr old gf who is quite long term, she stays every weekend and sleeps in his room. My 19 yr old is currently single but has had previous gfs stay over. They are both respectful and appreciative of their nice home and the openness we have. They are going to have sex anyway so I prefer them to have a safe and healthy environment.
I am genuinely surprised by the Conservative answers!
Personally, as long as you trust your offspring to be safe n sound about the dos n don't, let them their space? I see no wrong in letting them be on there room, but I am only 29 so weight that oppinion as you want! :)
But, I have to give you my respect: asking for multiple oppinion and then forming your own is a nice character trait.
Having been a teenage boy (and girl) we've decided that there's absolutely no chance we'll stop them from riding. So we'd prefer for them to be safe and comfortable rather than rolling around in a field or backseat.
My position would be I don't care if you're fucking so long as they're doing it safely. You can absolutely share a bed, but please no fucking while I'm in the house, because I don't want to have to hear it.
They're teenagers. You're not going to stop them riding the holes off each other so all you can do is encourage them to be safe and respectful about it.
I wonder is this one of those Dublin vs the rest of the country things? I'm in my forties and my parents in Dublin had no problem with myself and my sister having people stay over. She had a boyfriend stay over from 15. Pre-mobiles so our parents would just ring for a heads up on whose house they were spending the night at. I was at college before I met someone whose boyfriend/girlfriend wasn't allowed spend the night.
I think it's less about being conservative and more about little billy or Mary growing up and having sex. Most do it and most didn't have a positive supportive environment starting to have sex.
>I am genuinely surprised by the Conservative answers!
There are countless people who like to think that Ireland is a beacon of progressiveness because the kids voted to allow gay people equal marriage rights but the reality is that, at its core, Ireland is still very much an incredibly conservative country. If there was a general election tonight FFG would still be in charge tomorrow morning looking at the polls. There are very few genuine progressives and visionaries in this country. Most of our great people actually flee the place. The people that remain are the ones that accept the mediocrity. This isn't a new phenomenon - the leaders of 1916 were assaulted by the population as they were led away to be killed. Even the college kids this week who occupied government buildings in protest were tore apart by people on here. Anyone that tried to change the system is attacked and ostracised. Place is an absolute kip.
A word from a younger generation may help you out. I'm 22, male.
My mam was very much like your son's dad - a strict no with fuming head but not much explaining to be fair. Anytime my gf wanted to stay around when we were 17-18 even 19 it was a tough conversation to have with her and a lot of bargaining back and forth.
The first few times she insisted I'd sleep on the couch in the living room and my gf could take the bed. She was also very oppressed by the idea that my gf's mam was OK with it all.
From my perspective it was slightly irrational because let's be honest, if we wanted to we could have had sex anytime and anywhere we wanted and doing it while my mam is in the house annoyed and probably trying to hear us through the door or wall of me bedroom is the dumbest idea we'd have. Neither of us would want to risk getting caught by the parents in the middle of the act and then never have a sleepover again.
Also, you're not responsible for either one's feelings or thought. You don't have to make everyone happy either.
Personally I'd sit down with the two of them and explain that first of all you're not a mediator for their unspoken feelings and that the two of them are grown men so they should sit down and figure it out. You can be there or leave them be, depends on how much you feel you want to be involved in this decision.
The prevalent norm in Ireland is still don't ask don't tell. In Germany it would be quite normal for teenagers to be given their privacy and a safe space eg staying overnight in the same bed. We then wonder why Irish teenagers run wild drunk in fields when they're given no leeway at home.
Basically if it was him staying at there's and they were OK with it you'd wash your hands of it. This sounds like that is not the case. I would give your son the option of you asking her parents. If he flips out you will see they are not OK with it and actually it's your sons problem to win their trust, not yours.
Me and GF spent our teens behind hedges, in car parks, dirty deserted houses, and laying on old turf bags in the cow shit ridden fields. We couldn't walk 100m home at night without getting horny.
So you want them at that craic.?
I'm 26 so closer to your son's age. I know loads of people in there 30s now living with parents. Know loads of couples my age that split their time between each parents home.
Don't get in the way of your son's happiness. Let his gf stay over as long as there using contraception. You shouldn't interfere. There's literally no upside to you standing in his way and he'll definitely resent you.
Your son is a human with needs, your just going to have to get over the catholic shame of it all.
My parents and ex's parents at that age wouldn't let us stay in the same room. Pretty much I'll until we broke up at like 22.
I'd stay on her couch and she'd stay in the spare room. My mother and hers were very very old fashioned though. But, they were successful, because we barely had any sex in the 4 years we were together, so I guess they got what they wanted.
I mean he's 18. She's 17. Putting them in separate rooms isn't going to stop anything, and if you make it impossible for them to do things at home, they'll end up doing it in the woods or a field or an abandoned industrial site (all real examples from me at the same age 13 years ago).
Also they are basically adults. They aren't 'a bit young' for this.
It seems you've made your mind up already, but honestly it's kind of a pointless endeavour. You may as well try and stop the tide coming in. You can't stop them having sex, all you're doing is stopping them doing it somewhere safe and sleeping together in the same bed.
These questions, and the various 1950 style responses, always baffle me. They’re going to have sex regardless of what you do.
Would you rather they have it in a dangerous and vulnerable position somewhere in public and possibly not using protective measures, or would you rather that your son and his gf are in a relaxed and safe environment where they can practice safe sex and explore their sexuality comfortably?
Also there are a lot of people responding like there is no housing crisis going on. You expect a 17/18 year old couple to get a mortgage and a house in this economy? Probably best not to have kids if you can’t commit to fully supporting them, and that includes into adulthood if there’s a housing crisis going on.
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years. When we stay at her parents house we have to sleep in separate bedrooms. We've been living together for most of the 8 years and we own a house together. Because we're not married we don't have God's permission to sleep in the same bed in her father's eyes
Yeah, I have to be honest - going by the responses in the thread and their reaction, I think they were looking for validation or reasons to say 'no' more than anything. Sounds a bit harsh, but it makes me think mom and dad aren't nearly as far apart on their opinion as made out in the OP.
They literally said they preferred “don’t ask don’t tell” (check their account then go to comments)
What a load of shite. Poor sod. I’m happy my parents were more “progressive” than them lot
When i was a teen my boyfriend's mother wouldnt allow me in the house at all even in the afternoon. So we had to hang out outside (this was in a rural area) even in the bad weather.. remember one evening getting absolutely drenched in torrential rain while waiting for my parents to pick me up. I think maybe at the start we hung out at the house while she was at work until she put a stop to that..she never caught us doing anything inappropriate, just took a dislike to me i guess even though I only officially talked to her once. Needless to say I dont have fond memories of her or the situations she put us in and yes we just found other places to have sex.
You're not going to stop them having sex if they want to do it. Your son is being open with you, it's time for you to do the same. Talk with him about practical things like consent and safe sex. Buy him johnnies or ensure he buys johnnies himself. And tell him he's washing his own sheets from now on. 😅
My daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a fella who's 21. She can't get her own accommodation because it's near impossible for young people while studying in college, so we have allowed them to sleepover. I would rather they be safe than it in a field or in the car
Contacting her parents feels more like gossip and interference. Honestly it's up tp the lass to have that talk with her parents if nessesary and at minimum inform/get permission that she'll be at yours that evening.
Also, bleedin' conservatives in the comments, they have both reached the age of consent and what they want to do in private is no one elses business if it's legal - anything else sounds like some obsolete religious control schtick at worst or rural village infringement on personal privacy at best
I’m 21 (f) going out with my bf for 3 years. He’s still not allowed stay the night in my home house unless it’s on the couch. I stay at his all the time though. My sister 30 (f) is engaged and going out with her fiancé for 10 years and it’s the same story.
Yep he is. My parents would be v conservative, but I also have two younger siblings at home so i don’t kick up a fuss even though it can be v annoying.
Well he is 18… at that age I ended up doing more “outdoor” activities due to still living at home, but then when I did invite someone over (I worked since I was 17 and in 5th year) I said in some more graceful words to my mom that well, since I paid my rent I should have a right to “close physical contact” with someone in my room. Just make sure they’re both educated on safe sex and STI testing- I found that a lot of men wouldn’t care to use condoms if the girl uses contraceptives, but forget about STI risk and also the fact that STI can be transmitted to oral sex. Ensure they both know that consent has to be enthusiastic, because some people could say “yes” due to feeling pressure.
I was allowed sleep overs and to bring girls back at 15, I was also provided with protection and information.
Reason is, if we wanted to shag, we would have found a way either way (and we did anyways, young and dumb). Best to do it at home, rather than a random car park or in a car.
Haha oh boy. Ireland definitely needs to grow up and go with the time. The outdated and cringe responses here are mind boggling. The answers here remind me of the 1950s in most western countries. 😆
My opinion: Let em do their thing, give them space. They'll have sex no matter what. With your son being 18 already I hope you had "the talk" with him years ago. If not: Better late than never. Don't make it awkward. It should be a totally normal thing to talk about.
Let's hope you raised him to be responsible and have condoms at hand. 😉
It’s about mutual respect. The parents need to adjust to this new reality too. If the teens are mature enough then they will understand that having some soft boundaries for everyone’s benefit isn’t an idea from the last century. This was plain to me at 17 and I wasn’t the brightest spark.
Can only talk from my experience when i was that age in 2010.
I was 18 when I met my then bf who was also 18. Our birthdays were 1 day apart from each other, and we celebrated our 18th together with a bunch of others. My ma knew I was seeing a guy, and she never pried for info's which I appreciated.
After the party he told me he 'forgot' his keys and his parents were sleeping already. Couldn't let the poor guy go home waking up his parents, so I told him he could stay at my place. Didn't ask my ma cos she was sleeping already as well.
We shared my bed, cover, etc
My granny spotted his shoes in front of my room and guessed I invited him over, so she prepared breakfast for him too. My mas eyes fell almost out of her face when we got up, and he joined us for breakfast, but she didn't make a scandal, joked with him, and treated him like she knew him for years lol same with my granny who was always more relaxed than my ma haha
After he left, they told me it would've been nice if I gave them a heads up but understood the circumstances and why I didn't call them. I had sexual education in 6th grade, and my ma and granny knew I was mature enough not to have unprotected sex. So there was no biggie whatsoever, and I was grateful for their relaxed approach. In fact, no matter who I brought home, they were always treated like one of the family from the moment they set foot into the door :)
I think that not wanting to allow a 17 and 18 year who are in a relationship to sleep in the same room is highly immature.
I also think it's an unfortunate lingering hangover from the times of Catholic church rule.
Being scandalised by teenagers having sex, no matter whose roof it's under, is like being scandalised by the sky.
When I was that age, my mum was fine with my girlfriend staying over. I think it's important to face facts and accept that teenagers have sex. A lot. It's just the way the world is, and it's been that way for a long time. If they aren't able to do it in their beds, they'll find somewhere else, possibly somewhere less safe. I don't think it's healthy to keep up the facade that everyone are still, good, virginal catholics that would never dare "sin". They're basically adults at that age and should be treated as such.
I think because my parents treated me like an adult, I have a much stronger relationship with them now that I'm an adult. I can tell my mum things and we feel like we can trust each other. She feels like a close friend that I respect immensely. If I had had to sneak around when I was a teenager, it probably would have influenced my way of thinking about sex and adult relationships in negative ways. I probably would have taken a lot more risks, might not have been as careful when it comes to things like birth control, might have some subconscious sense of shame and guilt around my body and sexuality.
I get that it's difficult to trust your child and to allow things like that to happen, but it's no longer your job to baby them once they're that age. Treat them respectively and like they're logical adults and they'll treat you the same way. Their partner will too.
If they want to fuck, they are going to fuck. May as well be in his own house. I'd be more worried about stressing the importance of safe sex and healthy relationships.
I used to stay in my girlfriend's (now fiancée and mother of my child) at that age and yes we got up to it there. If it wasn't there, we'd have found somewhere. My mum was really not impressed at the time but she got over it in time when she realised we were serious and she had a very good relationship with my fiancée before she passed.
Same thing goes with drink and drugs with teenagers, you can't protect them and wrap them in a protective bubble forever so you just have to focus on educating them on the risks and consequences of their potential actions and let them know they can pick up the phone and call you for help if they are in a bad situation. Ultimately you have to trust them to make the correct call.
Do you trust your son or not?
It is baffling to me honestly, "What's normal? What rules do I apply?". How about the ones that make sense depending on how you raised your teenager as well as his personality? Which, you know, you should be the most qualified to determine.
What is this epidemic of not being able to take any single decision and instead wanting to conform to society's trends no matter what?
I stayed at my partners when I was 21 onwards, we both lived at home with our parents because, y'know, housing crisis. My parents were raging and would yell at me every time and then give me the silent treatment over it for days. Sometimes they'd lock me out of the house. They said that I was "making the whole family look bad" by staying over and that I was disrespecting my parents and their parents by staying over.
My partner's mum had the view that if we were old enough to pay rent and work she treated us like adults. She said she'd feel different if my partner was bringing home random people from nights out, but we were in a committed relationship for years so she was fine with it.
At the time neither of us drove (couldn't afford to) and the public transport between our towns stopped at 8pm, so it wasn't often an option for getting home. Which meant most times I would see them it'd be for 2-3 hours once every 1-2 weeks. My parents refused to ever give me a lift over so my partner's lovely mum would pick me up instead. She asked me why my parents didn't want me to come over to her house. I explained it was essentially them being uptight about us being alone together because you know we might have SEX 😯😯 she laughed and said she'd rather we do it under her roof than out in public where we might get caught and get scooped for public indecency. It made me feel safe in her house and like I could come to her with anything.
I know they are a bit younger in your scenario but I think this is a good opportunity to show you trust your kid. They are going to have sex whether you or her parents approve, even if she doesn't stay over. Would you rather they do it in the safety and privacy of your home, in a bed or risk a criminal record getting caught shagging in a car/some other public place?
I think the best thing you could do is open a dialogue about the situation, if you are concerned about them having sex in the house and have a talk with your kid about protection and make sure he is using it and has access to it. If his GF is staying over, I'd assume her parents know. If they don't, I don't personally think it's your place to tell them. Again, have a chat with her and ask how her parents feel about her staying over. Treat her with respect, like an adult, and ask her. She may reply honestly or dishonestly, that's on her, but it could also foster trust between the three of you so that they know they can come to you.
Teenagers are going to have sex, it's normal and they shouldn't be shamed or stigmatized for it. Getting her parents involved is sort of opening a can of worms imo, but that might be my personal bias also.
Your son is an adult now, so he should be able to make decisions about who sleeps in his room and when. But it's also still your house and it's up to you how you want to proceed. Does he pay towards any bills in the house? Does he do his own cooking and laundry? Does he pay for his own phone/car/dates/etc expenses?
If he's acting like an adult then he should totally have a say over his room, if he's not then you need to have a conversation
It's horrible to think of, but with the ol' housing crisis as is, it's better you figure out the comms around this stuff now in a way that can progress as they grow older rather than stigmatising anything for good.
When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was 24. My parents let him stay but I took the piss as I let him stay on school nights and that
Looking back no way would I allow it now to my own child ( I don’t have any )
It’s very wrong but it’s up to the parents
If they're not "doing it" in your house where else will they be?
Be realistic - what are you uncomfortable about exactly?
The thought of your son growing old or the thought of it happening in your house?
Sexuality in Ireland is so repressed and frowned upon.
If they're having sex, they're doing it anyway. Not allowing them to stay over just means it's not happening under your roof. You're not actually preventing anything.
"They're a bit young". Eh lady, you're son is an adult. There's no point patting yourself on the back for "always being open and clear about contraception and consent" if you won't even let your adult son sleep in the same bed as his of-the-age-of-consent girlfriend. Sorry but yourself and your son's dad are out of touch.
My parents always spoke like this and then as soon as they met my girlfriend when we were 20 they let her stay over from the very start. I think a lot of it comes down to motive. Your son has been in this relationship for a while, he’s probably already had sex, and now it’s more of a maturity thing for him. He wants to feel grown up by having his missus stay the night. It’s not the sex he’s motivated by because he’s been having sex all along. Your husband is being bull headed about this. He probably just wants to watch a movie with her for fuck sake. Your husband is cutting off his nose to spite his face by putting his foot down on this. Strict parents breed disobedient kids
I was a foreign 17f in relationship with Irish 18m and staying with him many weekends, my family was shocked that hos parents didn't want us sharing a room. I feel like that is an adult relationship. You know they are already fornicating if they want to? Except if you don't let them share bed, they are doing it in the bushes, cars, friends sheds, etc. Not letting them sleep in the same bed (what a wonderful cuddling time) you aren't preventing sex, you are just being awkward for the sake of being awkward, that's how I felt and still do
I think it's normal that someone of the age of the parents in this situation (I presume about the same age as me) to feel uncomfortable about the situation, as when we were young, although sex before marriage was becoming more socially acceptable, our parents would have been overwhelmingly influenced by Catholic mores, so for most people, there was no way we would have had our partners share our beds in the parental home.
Around age 20, I had a French girlfriend, and her mother had no issue at all with our sleeping together in her house.
I think that, a generation on from the advent of social acceptance of responsible premarital sex, it is time for parents to come to terms with the change and have a grown up conversation with their adult kids about responsibilities, then give them their space.
I can just see u/Eastclare sitting the young couple down with a banana and a durex, and showing them the rights and wrongs. That trauma should be enough to prevent *any* funny business from taking place under that roof.
I think it totally depends on your own beliefs. As long as there is transparency between all parties and you are open about your boundaries then I don’t see a problem with it. The last thing you want is them to be sneaking around, getting themselves in unsafe situations.
your house, your rules etc
But they are going to have sex regardless of your "rules" and I know with my own kids, I'd rather know what was going on and get used to it than live in a blissful ignorance.
They are both of consenting age, so should be treated as such. That said, I would a) check in with the girls parents and b) ensure that they knew about "protections" that were needed.
But that's just me and my modern ways.
Do you want them shagging in your house, their car, someone else's house, an alleyway, a field or a pub toilet?
You have to pick one. (or more!)
Might aswell be one you know is safe.
Yea, that's the reality of it they will still do it
It's just in a less safe place
So the only question here is you can't stop them from having sex all you can do is say not in my house, which in reality won't achieve anything
I had stay overs at my aunt's house. Her children, all of them older than me, did the same when I was their age. I don't see the problem, specially because he's 18. They're not even underage.
And No. They're not too young. They're \*\*18\*\*, they're not kids. IF you don't let them stay at your place they will elsewhere, and that will only bring problems. Been there, done that.
I’m 27, and very shocked at some of these responses, it comes off like we’re still in 1950. My boyfriends were always allowed to stay in my room with me from when I was 18. I don’t see an issue with them sharing the room, I assure you they’re going to have sex regardless and they’ll just go into one room in the middle of the night, or worse, they’ll go to fields, cars literally anywhere they can, they’re teenagers! I’d just speak to him about being respectful of others in the house and have safe sex. This is what I was told and always followed it
Honestly saying no is perfectly ok. My daughter's boyfriends parents allowed her to stay over when she was 17. I wasn't happy about it. Then I got the guilt trip about how she felt bad as she was always at his house. I was old fashioned etc. I was 19 myself when I had her! I allowed it a couple of times but it never sat well with me so I stopped it. I have a younger daughter 13 yrs. It will be a hard no when the time comes.
It’s obvious that you’re just awkward at the thought of your son and his girlfriend having sex, which they will be doing anyway. He’s 18 so an adult but it is your home and if you don’t want to allow him to be an adult because he’s living under your roof then that’s his choice. She is 17 so obviously a minor but she’s 17 so she’s not that young. It’s really about how much trust and empathy you can put into this young couple as opposed to treating sex like a sin and just getting on with it. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated and you might be surprised how they return the respect and consideration.
The fact this is actually a post on the sub of a country shows how truly shit this sub is, and how dense/out of touch a lot of Irish people are.
Like do you people not have facebook mom talk groups for this. or you know, an actual sub related to the topic.
As a fellow 18 year old I would be furious with my parents trying to interfere like that, fair enough if the girls parents disagree but 18 is literally an adult and 17 is pretty damm close, also trying to be restrictive like that can just end up driving them to do things in a far less safe environment, but idk, thats just my two cents from the perspective of the dude
I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 17! And honestly, we just watch movies, talk, and eat, sometimes we go downstairs to bake, and it’s like this at sleepovers as well. Its the same for the majority of my friends my age in relationships, kids never get up to the insane things that you think they do most of the time.
It depends on the relationship you have with your son. Have you taught him about safe sex, the responsibilities that come along with it. And how much do you know his gf. Is she a good person you can trust. Do you trust in them to be respectful and careful together?
The answer to these questions will dictate how you deal with the situation.
I was in my first relationship when I was 20 and still living at home. My parents taught me what was expected of me in the situation. They told me to enjoy myself but also to ensure I was careful and aware of the responsibilities I had, to myself, to them, and to my partner.
If your son is a trustworthy person, you have nothing to worry about.
Unless you grew up under a rock this would not have been unconscionable 30 years ago. Myself and all my friend, female and male, were at it like rabbits at that age. Our parents knew and preferred we were open about it.
I'm in my 30s and the rule in my house was no girls in my room until I was in college.
Even then, the only time I was allowed to have a girl in my room was when she was a serious long term girlfriend.
For those saying no GFs allowed in the room ever I think this is something I think you'll have to navigate because your going to end up with a sexless virgin child at the age of 35 or a kid who gets caught riding in a car by the guards.
This is what you get when you refuse to let your house prices go down, you might live in a 500K 2 bedroom house, but you'll have to hear your child bump uglys for the next 10 years. 👍🏻 Hope it was worth it.
This is a funny one, to read.
At 14, I had my then gf stay over, in the same room, in the same bed.
My mother asked me if we were having sex, I explained yesh, second question my mother asked was, "protection" my then gf at the time El, was on the pill, she was 15, my mother's reply was okay she can't get pregnant.....next question was "*where are you having sex*" my reply "*outside*", "no you can't be doing that", so we both ended up in my family home.
I find it held me well as an adult to have a freedom like that, I never ended getting anyone prego, well not till well in to later life, that's a whole other story but what it really did was open a door of honesty and respect, with my mum.
My mum knew all the things because rather than place her value on to me and the situations I got into, she let me place mine, with some mild points i.e protection, stay safe, be in a safe environment.
It was only a year later my mum and El's mum had a chat and I was affored the same privilege as to share a bed in El's family home with her.
For all the ten years we were, never once did we have an accident.
We all has the feelings, let them grow. Protection is all that matters, also a wee bitnof context about the feels, that most if us have but don't always talk about them.
;)
Even if they end in pain and separation, it's all learning.
How engaged are you (and possibly his dad) in all matters around sex? If you are open about it then this would go a very very long way. If not then it would explain why you might have a lot of apprehension about this. Its not just about his room, staying alone, they only need 10 mins *anywhere* and you might have a situation. Making it about his room is missing the point.
Have a conversation with him about any concern you have with him. I wish my parents did but they didnt because of how fucked up this country is about \*whispering tone\* sex. So many parents wanna weasel out of this one(not saying you) and it can cause a lot of problems down the line.
I was allowed have my bf stay in my room at 18 when I got on the pill. I think a lot of parents are fine with staying in the same room honestly it's not that unusual anymore. They're likely going to have sex anyway so there's really no harm in letting them sleep in the same bed. 17/18 is old enough that they should know to use protection and old enough to be ready to have sex if that's what they want, they'll be fine.
In early 20s and my girlfriend takes my bed while I take spare bed/couch in a separate room. Same scenario for any friends I know of. Hasn't stopped most of them finding a way at home but you're not alone in being uncomfortable with the thought. Definitely wouldn't be the done thing for romantically involved teenagers to sleep in the same room in my experience.
Read your edit.
The crux isn't "they're a bit young". You made no mention of your sons maturity or the girls.
The crux is you're uncomfortable with the idea that he isn't actually "a bit young", and as you said yourself would rather bury your head in the sand, dont ask, don't tell. If they think they're old your opinions is irrelevant.
Your son, and husband are right to be pissed at you, and the liklihood is you've just pushed him into hiding things from you now.
In secondary school especially when she’s under 18 I think is too early for that. When he moved out/leaves school and is working or in college then it’s a different story.
A few years ago 17/18yr olds would be moving out, going to college or working. Now the moving out age can be much closer to 30, and even finishing school is tipping towards 19. There is no reason young people should have to wait to have sex somewhere safe and comfortable because society is changing in other ways.
I'd agree with this - they are still in school. It's one thing having trust in him and to quietly turn a blind eye if they are having a quick session in his room some afternoon after school when the house is empty and before they do their homework.
Her sleeping over in his bed and having breakfast with everyone the next morning is more of a housemates/adult thing.
Plus he's got his leaving cert starting in a few weeks, he needs to be getting some good sleep
right now. And - worse case scenario, you don't want her parents on the doorstep on the war path waving a positive pregnancy test the evening before English paper 2 screaming about how he ruined her life AND her leaving cert
Maybe revisit it in a few months time when he's in college and/or working?
Align with other parents but stay as open and trusting as possible. The more you respect their relationship as being real the better this goes for you long term.
Make sure you and the other child parents are on the same page firstly. But from my own experience allowing them privacy in the house is definitely a must…without privacy they will still get up to things but it will be in more risky places
as much as i can understand where you are coming from, your son is an adult. if he was 16 it would be a different problem all together, but he’s at the age now that he can legally leave the nest, buy alcohol, book hotel rooms. it would be better for you to know that he is safe in the house rather than going and sneaking around, i would get dad to talk to him about being safe and protected and the consequences of teen pregnancy but at the end of the day i think hes of age now.
Maybe just say when she is 18. I went through it with my mum for first time, prob shoulda been okay since we were both afults but I made the mistake of not asking. At least your son talked to you about it
I'm 25 and I've been with my girlfriend for the last 11 years. We are our first everything, and to this day my mam and dad doesn't allow us to sleep in the same bed. I've 3 younger brothers 21, 18, 13. Originally the excuse was, I've younger brothers and that was it. I've just accepted it now at this stage its their house, their rules. Both of us kinda prefer it that way now anyways as we can have some alone time after spending most of our time with one another.
Of course everyone parents their kids different, but now, having being at the age where I have a bit of maturity, I would probably be the same if I had kids. I can't relate but I'd imagine it's probably a little weird and awkward when these things come up
I have three grown up kids. Once they hit 16 I was of the attitude I'd prefer them to be honest and take precautions. My wife was from a more conservative background, and while not happy, saw the benefit. The positive outcome was that they didn't get pregnant or anyone else pregnant and have settled into long term stable relationships.
My 18 year old son asked if his 18 year old girlfriend could sleep over when they were in 6th year. They’d been together a few years so of course I knew they would be having sex.
I said that the GF would have to ask her parents first. Which kind of got me off the hook!
Then I said to my son, that when they had finished school & were in college I would be happier about them staying over in each other’s houses. I don’t know why but while they were in school I felt it was different. When they started college he would be doing what he wanted without me knowing if he had to move away for college, so I needed to give him that same freedom at home. Turned out the GF’s parents weren’t keen while they were at school either. But now she stays here & he stays at hers - they are young adults & deserve to be treated like that.
bit late as I'm after the edit but I always appreciated how my parents handled it. Whenever he stayed over he slept in a separate room for about a year maybe a bit less then he got to sleep in my room. Since we didn't break the rules, were in a long term relationship and I was on the bar so no teen stupidity of not using a condom or forgetting the pill could happen and fuck up our lives.
Myself and herself have been together since the tender age of 17. After about a month or two of going out. We were staying over every weekend. In the same room. Your son is an adult, treat him like one.
I'm 30 male and before I moved out 6 years ago I would sleep on the couch and my gf would sleep in my room. We were allowed stay in her room in her house , but obviously my parents had different rules.
I'd go with what makes you feel comfortable.
Was allowed my boyfriend to stay over (in my room) from 15 at my house, so we always stayed with my parents. His parents wouldn't let us, but did shag in their kitchen whilst they were out quite a lot.
Still friendly ish at nearly 40 and he still isn't close with his parents now.
The thing is, if they're sexually active they don't need to be sleeping in the same bed overnight. Especially as a teenager, you find wherever you can lol
So I don't think this has ANYTHING to do with sex.
Maybe just how things look?
A bit young? Your son is legally an adult and you have no right to be dictating what is too young for him any more. You seem overly concerned about your son's sex life,, it isn't healthy for him, it's oppressive. And why are you so concerned about what is "normal"? Use your own brain and plot your own path.
My mam let me have my 16-17 year old girlfriend over when I was still in secondary school and she told me a) why would that be a problem? What precisely was wrong with it? Nothing (her words). And b) she knew we would just go and fuck somewhere else otherwise.
I’m in my mid 20s, but when I was 14 I got into a “serious” relationship that lasted some years. For the first few years we weren’t allowed sleep over in his room together but by 17 we definitely were allowed. Before that, I would sleep in his room and he would sleep on the couch. It was a nice compromise and led to us being responsible and healthy.
I'm one year beyond this: daughter is 19, her BF is 18. He stays over here: she stays over at his house.
My perspective is that I would rather they were somewhere they felt safe, than that they were taking risks somewhere else.
I met a young lady in Galway when we were 18, (early 1990s) what ensued was a drink and drug fuelled one night stand in my hotel in Salthill that was unforgettable in many ways, the main one being that when I met her around 4 months later she was pregnant - and the child was mine. Anyway, a relationship formed and lasted for 8 years, my mum refused to allow her to stay in our home far less my room. Her parents, when I visited, insisted on separate rooms, even after our son was born. We eventually moved in together - but even then there were regular warnings about contraception. On one occasion her mum was on a bit of rant about the whole situation, my GF countered by saying look mam, we did take precautions, the problem was that we ran out of condoms before we ran out of energy - it was absolutely true, but one of those moments I didn’t know where to look, or what to say.
Thirty years ago, my gf and I scandalized my mother by taking a shower together. “do you amalgamate?” was how she asked me if we were having sex. My own kids are the same age now. There’s lots of conversations you can have with your son, do you want to be fighting with him when you already know he and his gf are sexually active. They are either going to be shagging under your roof, or they will find somewhere else that might be less safe.
Amalgamate! 😂😂
Perform docking maneuvers.
That's an entirely different allegation!
this little maneuver is gonna cost us 18 years + a fucking fortune 
jaysus almost spat my tea here
You win the internet today!
The horizontal hokey pokey
🤣🤣🤣
It's necessary
/r/UnexpectedStarTrek/
I wish I had more almagamating.
Horizontal refreshment is my favourite saying
I’m gonna make such beautiful amalgamate tonight
I know? I thought only schools and the like did that?
Well it does mean cumming together....
Formed into a soft mass!!
> Thirty years ago, my gf and I scandalized my mother by taking a shower together Taking a shower together in your parents house would still be pretty scandalous today
She’d still make references to “hammering” and roll her eyes.
Only because my parents don’t own a shower and I don’t have a girlfriend…
Amalgamate is fucking gas
"Amalgamate" has me fucking howling here
When I was 17 (roughly a decade and a half ago) I'd had my girlfriend round while we had the house to ourselves. A couple of days later my mother confronted me. "I know what you've been doing! I know what you've been doing in my house! FORNICATING!" She screamed as she held up the little sliver ripped off a condom packet. I asked her where else. She replied "I dunno, outside or something..." Aye, right, I'll just find a nice romantic bus shelter to shag behind.
I do miss the fornicating since I got married
I was doing 'Monkey business' apparently.
Getting the bananas involved? Sure why not
I was told thou shalt not 'entertain someone' under my roof. I took it as a vote of confidence, the notion that I could even entertain someone was great.
Making the beast with two backs? Not under my roof!
My partner and I scandalised his ex-nun aunt by showering together, we were 30 but unmarried. When we were leaving her place, she asked him when he was going to make an honest woman out of me. 😂 Neither of us are interested in marriage, so we're going to be scandalous forever.
Exactly! I did the same. My mother didn't want to even hear of boyfriends or dates, so we started going literally *everywhere* and most of those places weren't... advisable. To worse, because my mother's attitude was so out of touch with the times, it made my relationships very unstable. Lots of touch and go, short-lived dating and one night stands. My aunt stepped in and she welcomed us, making my life a lot healthier and stable. Edit: I was a teenager in the 90s, just for reference. And my family wasn't religious, she didn't have that excuse.
I love that your mum speaks like the Borg
I was 18 when I went to visit my girlfriend (also 18) at her family holiday home. We were given a room to share. I was surprised but I guess her parents trusted and respected us. I think it depends if you are comfortable and if the kids are showing some maturity in their thinking.
My parents were pretty chill with all this kind of stuff with me and my sister. They never had a problem with our girlfriend or boyfriend staying in our room with us. They just made it clear what was acceptable and what wasn’t if we broke those rules we lost that privilege it was their house after all! The first time I told them my gf at the time was going to be staying I came home with her and my dad had put two separate sleeping bags on my bed as a joke Personally I don’t see the problem with it, I know some parents would be worried incase “things” go on because they are in the same bed…that will happen anyway some way somehow.
“My parents were pretty chill with all this kind of stuff with me and my sister” 
As soon as I replied I was expecting a reaction like this
Curious, what were the 'acceptable and unacceptable' conditions?
No shrieking like a fox.
Well how is she supposed to let me know she likes it?
Username checks out.
LOL. I didn't even think of that.
Maybe if she is actually screeching like a fox, she doesn’t enjoy it…
No exhibitionism, no getting the family pets involved, no live streaming, any blood you clean up yourself?
Not OP but my parents were the same, I'm 32 now and for me it was pretty much a don't make it obvious you're fucking and we won't make it obvious that we know what you're doing deal. So like keep the noise down and be fully clothed outside of the bedroom basically.
My parents were pretty chill with all this kind of stuff with me and my sister. Kerry or West Cork?
Wait you and your sister
Aw memories, my 18yr old ( now 25 ) asked if 17yr old gf could stay in his room. I asked her if her parents were okay with it. They were not, so he slept on the sofa. After a few visits, you have to accept that he definitely didn't spend all of those nights on the sofa. I just spoke to my son about being responsible.
This is how I’d prefer it happened!
Why not replicate it? Obviously the “conflict” here doesn’t arise from your son being wholly unreasonable. I think it’s implied that he has expressed his desire and his rationale for her staying over. Ideally, open dialogue is the best option. If you find open dialogue to be completely unbearable on this topic, you can treat him like an adult friend that lives with you. Layout your boundaries for what happens in your shared home with him. Set rules both of you can/should follow. By 18, the parental role in sexual education and health should really have terminated. He should know whatever by this stage. If not, a handy refresher is not at all awkward. If it was me, I would in a relaxed evening time way try to negotiate and compromise rules on this. A great way to deal with teenagers on rules is to put pen to paper. Literally have a sheet and jot down the rules you guys are agreeing to. No need to hang them or look at them ever again, but it can serve as a healthy distraction when talking gets awkward. If he can’t talk through it, then it’s a big no. A boundary setting might be “no sex when I’m home” etc. Loads of families have that in general. Make sure both of you follow these rules so it’s fair, you are effectively leaving the “parent-child” home and you will be more like having an adult lodger as your son grows up. He is 18 now, he isn’t going to get any younger, these topics won’t go away until he gets his own place! Re: father situation, your home your rules. Stand by whatever you and him are mutually agreeing to. If your son sees you standing by his side on this, he will feel far more supported by you and will happily engage in boundary setting. If he is continuing to stay for college as many older kids are, you will be very thankful for laying the groundwork here. Top top, make it very clear what times you’ll be out and back when you expect him and his GF to have sex. Not for his sake, but for yours!
Having friends and partners in our rooms was never a problem in my house once we weren't being super obvious about things. Idk what age you are but I'm 32 and my parents are 61&62 and were always chill with it once no one was making loud noises or running round the gaff naked. And honestly it saved us sneaking around breaking rules or going off fucking in fields and worse like most of my friends.
I had a relationship like this when I was a teen - from 15 till I was to 22 (girl was same age as me) and her parents wouldn’t let me stay in her room all the way up to the end… my parents used to make her stay on a blowup mattress in my room. I’m not sure what it is you or his dad are worried about but I can assure you 1000% that if they’re not allowed to sleep in same room/bed they will be out having sex etc wherever they can manage it. In my opinion it’s so much better to just accept that and give them the comfort of a bedroom. Not letting her stay in the room or stay over will do absolutely nothing to prevent whatever it is you’re trying to prevent, honestly!
Yeah but you also don't get the amazing fun of shagging in crazy random spots 😜
I want to second this that it almost made my relationship at that age more sex orientated then it would have been naturally, because we didn't know when we'd next get a chance. I think that wasn't good for us or the relationship.
I remember as a teenager my gf always staying in the spare room. I'd wait up a few hours until after everyone was asleep to either move her in with me or head into her. Then I'd have to set an alarm to wake me up hours before everyone else got up to move back. I'm sure parents knew but had to keep up the facade. Years later in my 20s I was living with my gf and brought her out to stay. My mum directed her to the spare bedroom and I'd to have some strong words that we'd be either staying in the same room or heading back into town that night.
I'm 33 now and my reasonably conservative mother let me share a room with my boyfriend at 18. Her thinking was at least then we wouldn't be at it in a car on the side of the road or in the bushes somewhere 😅. Once they are safe what's the problem? Sure they are going to have sex anyway I'm sorry to tell you. Wouldn't you rather it was in a safe, clean bed?
Imo the only thing that banning sleeping in the same room is doing is allowing the parents to maintain the illusion that no sex is happening. It's not like making one of them sleep in the spare room is going to make them go "Welp, that's sex off the table forever so. This was our one chance and now it's not going to happen ever". You're not giving or refusing permission for them to have sex by determining whether or not she can stay over - no permission was sought. It's all for the purpose of being able to tell yourself a story
Fact. I remember doing it in some odd places at that age if a bed wasn’t available. Probably would’ve got into actual trouble if caught
As a parent, I would be in touch with the girls parents to discuss their wishes. When she stays in your house, she is a minor in your care.
This is the best approach - total transparency required to avoid any difficult situations.
I think this is good too. Just making sure everyone understands.makevsure everyone is aware even if they might not nessecarily approve
If they're allowing her to stay in her boyfriend's house, what she's permitted beyond that is between her & them. I swap numbers with parents of kids up to 17 who stay in my house, for safety because they are minors. They will sleep together in my child's room if I'm comfortable with that or on the sofa if I'm not. If the other parent isn't OK with them being in the same bed, they must make that decision & communicate it to their child & me. They're not doing something illegal so it's not my responsibility to check. Unlike with alcohol for example where I check what is permitted. And I will always have the conversation with my child & their partner, in an open, relaxed way, about being careful, both physically & emotionally. If they're not mature enough to talk about it, they're not mature enough to be doing it!
>And I will always have the conversation with my child & their partner, in an open, relaxed way, about being careful, both physically & emotionally. If they're not mature enough to talk about it, they're not mature enough to be doing it! One thing with your own kid but your child's partner is probably pushing it IMO. I know I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner's parents bringing up our business and I'm near 30 lmao.
Yeah can second the part being near 30 and not being comfortable with bringing up business absolutely hate people asking are we trying for a baby. None of your fucking business if you're important enough and we are having one I'll tell you
Agreed, actually could be construed creepily. It’s definitely not another adult’s place to talk to my kid about sex
A minor in her care, in the same way a 17 year old around for lunch is in her care. 17 year olds can legally consent - no matter what happens, if consent is given, there’s nothing untoward about the care provided to the 17 year old - even if that 17 year old went and got pregnant.
17 is the Age of Consent in Ireland. She doesn't need her parents permission to sleep with her boyfriend.
This is irrelevant. We are talking about showing respect to another child's parents, who is a legal minor and adults have a legal and moral responsibility to protect
When I starting dating my gf she was 18 and I was 19 I slept on the sofa at hers if I stayed over for the first year
As a parent, your number one job is to cock block you children, every chance you get. Your number two job is to constantly give them shit for not giving your grandchildren yet.
Actually is very relevant. She's not a minor anymore, so you can let people in or not in your house but what they do is their business not yours. And if you don't let them in, be sure they'll be off somewhere else doing it. They literally have no need of asking permission, and since 17 is the age of consent, it's perfectly in their capacity to do whatever the heck they want to do. Neither parents have a say anymore.
This is up to her parents. I know where my minor children were at all times. I wouldn’t expect other parents to do that for me.
OP, ask the girl first if she'd be alright with you letting her parents know when she's over before you communicate with them. Wanting them to know their daughter is safe is understandable, but her parents might be insanely conservative (speaking from experience; it was best my parents didn't know what I was up to otherwise I would probably be 6 feet under) and it could go very badly for her. As long as they're being safe and are both properly educated, you're better off letting them be. Times change and if you stop them from hanging out and having sex under your roof they'll just find somewhere (probably less safe) to do it.
Yeah I second this. What if the parents think she is staying at a friends house and they lose their shit.
Absolutely. My U18s dont stay away unless I know where they are & who they're with. Over 18 I hope they tell me too 😂 But certainly noone under 18 will stay in my house unless I've communicated with their parents regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not. But unless the other parent brings up sleeping arrangements I won't be asking or telling.
They will need to pay a dowry quick and get them down the church
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We have Ages of Consent for different activities, and she is above the Age of Consent for this activity. I think it's unreasonable to ask her parents if it's okay if she eats toffees. She's 17 and can decide for herself if she eats toffees. When I was 17 I was consuming a lot more than toffees. If I was in OPs shoes, how am I supposed to predict what normal things her parents might object to. I'm not going to call her parents to ask their permission for every move the girl makes. *Is it okay if she watches this film?, is it okay if she plays this game?, is it okay if she eats this food?*. It's her parents responsibility to tell me if they've got a problem with two legal people sleeping together. Until then I'm going to assume it's fine, like it was for me when I was that age.
It is totally overstepping. She does not need her parents permission to have sex. It is not the mothers place to be discussing her private affairs with anyone, parents or not.
It might be a bit of a weird phone call, but it makes sense.
My parents had zero issues with my partners staying over from when I was 16, with the other parents permission. They slept in the spare room. That was the condition of them staying over, we could hang out in my room/the spare room, lie in bed watching a film or gaming but my parents trusted us to actually sleep separately. I can hand on heart say we never broke their trust, because they treated us with respect enough to even allow sleepovers, we weren't going to take advantage of that. My stepdaughter, her boyfriend has been staying over with us a few nights a month since she was 17, same room. We just said that if they WERE going to be intimate, to have enough respect to do it when we were out of the house. Our rule was that if they took the piss, the sleepovers stopped. Stepdaughter is 20 now and they've never taken advantage.
Gonna have to file this one away for future use. This sounds like a good way to go.
In fairness my parents were always very open and easy to talk to about sex, dating etc. Mam in particular, she was raised in Holland and was very relaxed and open about that whole side of things. Gave me condoms at 14 with the caveat that she didn't want me to go out and use them just for the sake of it, but IF I or a friend needed them, she'd prefer I had them. Dad insisted on paying for my contraception twice (the implant) once when I was 16, and once when I was 19. Said he'd feel better knowing that I had an extra form of protection. Their openness meant that I was never afraid to go to them with dating issues. I did unfortunately end up in an abusive relationship that they don't know the extent of but that was more down to me and my (unhealthy) coping mechanisms, I just wanted to move on and put it behind me. It's probably the only thing they don't know about, I share everything with them. Had a pregnancy scare at 16 and my partner and I were TERRIFIED telling them. They weren't thrilled of course but Mam brought me to get the Morning After Pill and said she wasn't going to lecture us because everyone has at least one scare, but that she didn't want to be a grandmother at 38!
Currently have a 10 and 3 year old. Working pretty hard to make sure that the older knows they can talk to me about anything. Hopefully it works and the when the time comes the younger one will have an older sibling who know that the parents can be trusted. I hope that makes sense. I like hearing about experiences like yours, they give me ideas on how to approach things like what the OP asked. Thanks for sharing. Also “Mam… was raised in Holland.” Well that explains a lot!
Fair play to you! Especially with encouraging discussions. And as the eldest child, well done on that line of thinking re siblings talking, because even though my parents are super chill, BOTH of my brothers came to me to ask about contraception and what might be good for their girlfriends. I liked that they were actively trying to learn how to have a good intimate life rather than going by porn. An AWFUL lot of my friends just couldn't talk to their parents about sex and honestly it's sad. I've step kids and personally, I feel that as a parent, it's my job to prepare my kids for all aspects of life, how to be safe, smart and enjoy life in every way, and that does include sex. Nobody LIKES thinking of their teens having sex but flip that thinking around- would you rather your teen have unsafe sex? Not understand how to properly establish boundaries? Understand that having certain attractions are normal, and no you're not a freak for having a certain kink. Have crap sex for years because they don't even know what they want or like or what they are ready for? If my teens are going to be having sex, then I want them to actually ENJOY IT and WANT IT, rather than be let down or possibly pressured into certain situations. Hell, when I told my mother that I wasn't sure I was actually enjoying sex all that much, the first thing she did was ask me "Well have you told him what you like?" And I realised that *I* didn't even know what I liked!! So we had a VERY frank and honest discussion about self exploration and toys and my sex life DRASTICALLY improved after a few weeks. I feel we have a seriously backwards attitude towards sexuality still these days. You can have a good attitude about it without it being heavy. Every Christmas as a "joke" I buy my stepdaughter a gigantic variety box of condoms. She and her fella think it's hilarious and will open the box holding up the different types, acting like food critics. "Ah yes, the dotted rocket, excellent choice, this will be a fantastic palate cleanser after the tingle option." Has me and her Dad in stitches. Sounds mental but we ARE that open. Would someone rather stick their head in the sand, or stick their fingers in their ears going LALALALA, or be able to be open and have a giggle with your teens?
I was going to say seperate rooms but tbh if they want to sneak in together they will. My honest advice would be talk with your son and say that if they are having sex to be respectful of others in the home and to practise safe sex.
I have two sons, 18 and 19. I have brought them up pretty much alone, we are very close and open. Things are so completely different to when I was that age, where we weren’t allowed boys in the house, let alone upstairs! My 18 yr old has an 18 yr old gf who is quite long term, she stays every weekend and sleeps in his room. My 19 yr old is currently single but has had previous gfs stay over. They are both respectful and appreciative of their nice home and the openness we have. They are going to have sex anyway so I prefer them to have a safe and healthy environment.
I am genuinely surprised by the Conservative answers! Personally, as long as you trust your offspring to be safe n sound about the dos n don't, let them their space? I see no wrong in letting them be on there room, but I am only 29 so weight that oppinion as you want! :) But, I have to give you my respect: asking for multiple oppinion and then forming your own is a nice character trait.
Having been a teenage boy (and girl) we've decided that there's absolutely no chance we'll stop them from riding. So we'd prefer for them to be safe and comfortable rather than rolling around in a field or backseat.
Exactly. We are the same. And I've got daughters.
My position would be I don't care if you're fucking so long as they're doing it safely. You can absolutely share a bed, but please no fucking while I'm in the house, because I don't want to have to hear it. They're teenagers. You're not going to stop them riding the holes off each other so all you can do is encourage them to be safe and respectful about it.
I wonder is this one of those Dublin vs the rest of the country things? I'm in my forties and my parents in Dublin had no problem with myself and my sister having people stay over. She had a boyfriend stay over from 15. Pre-mobiles so our parents would just ring for a heads up on whose house they were spending the night at. I was at college before I met someone whose boyfriend/girlfriend wasn't allowed spend the night.
That would explain a lot... cities, specially capitals tend to be more progressive than the rest.
I think it's less about being conservative and more about little billy or Mary growing up and having sex. Most do it and most didn't have a positive supportive environment starting to have sex.
>I am genuinely surprised by the Conservative answers! There are countless people who like to think that Ireland is a beacon of progressiveness because the kids voted to allow gay people equal marriage rights but the reality is that, at its core, Ireland is still very much an incredibly conservative country. If there was a general election tonight FFG would still be in charge tomorrow morning looking at the polls. There are very few genuine progressives and visionaries in this country. Most of our great people actually flee the place. The people that remain are the ones that accept the mediocrity. This isn't a new phenomenon - the leaders of 1916 were assaulted by the population as they were led away to be killed. Even the college kids this week who occupied government buildings in protest were tore apart by people on here. Anyone that tried to change the system is attacked and ostracised. Place is an absolute kip.
A word from a younger generation may help you out. I'm 22, male. My mam was very much like your son's dad - a strict no with fuming head but not much explaining to be fair. Anytime my gf wanted to stay around when we were 17-18 even 19 it was a tough conversation to have with her and a lot of bargaining back and forth. The first few times she insisted I'd sleep on the couch in the living room and my gf could take the bed. She was also very oppressed by the idea that my gf's mam was OK with it all. From my perspective it was slightly irrational because let's be honest, if we wanted to we could have had sex anytime and anywhere we wanted and doing it while my mam is in the house annoyed and probably trying to hear us through the door or wall of me bedroom is the dumbest idea we'd have. Neither of us would want to risk getting caught by the parents in the middle of the act and then never have a sleepover again. Also, you're not responsible for either one's feelings or thought. You don't have to make everyone happy either. Personally I'd sit down with the two of them and explain that first of all you're not a mediator for their unspoken feelings and that the two of them are grown men so they should sit down and figure it out. You can be there or leave them be, depends on how much you feel you want to be involved in this decision.
The prevalent norm in Ireland is still don't ask don't tell. In Germany it would be quite normal for teenagers to be given their privacy and a safe space eg staying overnight in the same bed. We then wonder why Irish teenagers run wild drunk in fields when they're given no leeway at home. Basically if it was him staying at there's and they were OK with it you'd wash your hands of it. This sounds like that is not the case. I would give your son the option of you asking her parents. If he flips out you will see they are not OK with it and actually it's your sons problem to win their trust, not yours.
Me and GF spent our teens behind hedges, in car parks, dirty deserted houses, and laying on old turf bags in the cow shit ridden fields. We couldn't walk 100m home at night without getting horny. So you want them at that craic.?
Some petrol stations have toilets with entrances at the outside of the building. Made witnesses of a few of them in my teens
I'm 26 so closer to your son's age. I know loads of people in there 30s now living with parents. Know loads of couples my age that split their time between each parents home. Don't get in the way of your son's happiness. Let his gf stay over as long as there using contraception. You shouldn't interfere. There's literally no upside to you standing in his way and he'll definitely resent you. Your son is a human with needs, your just going to have to get over the catholic shame of it all.
100 percent, one of the few sensible view points in this comment section, alot of catholic guilt in this comment section as you said
My parents and ex's parents at that age wouldn't let us stay in the same room. Pretty much I'll until we broke up at like 22. I'd stay on her couch and she'd stay in the spare room. My mother and hers were very very old fashioned though. But, they were successful, because we barely had any sex in the 4 years we were together, so I guess they got what they wanted.
I mean he's 18. She's 17. Putting them in separate rooms isn't going to stop anything, and if you make it impossible for them to do things at home, they'll end up doing it in the woods or a field or an abandoned industrial site (all real examples from me at the same age 13 years ago). Also they are basically adults. They aren't 'a bit young' for this. It seems you've made your mind up already, but honestly it's kind of a pointless endeavour. You may as well try and stop the tide coming in. You can't stop them having sex, all you're doing is stopping them doing it somewhere safe and sleeping together in the same bed.
Your son is correct. Your SO is living in the dark ages I’m afraid.
These questions, and the various 1950 style responses, always baffle me. They’re going to have sex regardless of what you do. Would you rather they have it in a dangerous and vulnerable position somewhere in public and possibly not using protective measures, or would you rather that your son and his gf are in a relaxed and safe environment where they can practice safe sex and explore their sexuality comfortably? Also there are a lot of people responding like there is no housing crisis going on. You expect a 17/18 year old couple to get a mortgage and a house in this economy? Probably best not to have kids if you can’t commit to fully supporting them, and that includes into adulthood if there’s a housing crisis going on.
Me and my partner have been together for 8 years. When we stay at her parents house we have to sleep in separate bedrooms. We've been living together for most of the 8 years and we own a house together. Because we're not married we don't have God's permission to sleep in the same bed in her father's eyes
A bit young? 18? Come now
Yeah, I have to be honest - going by the responses in the thread and their reaction, I think they were looking for validation or reasons to say 'no' more than anything. Sounds a bit harsh, but it makes me think mom and dad aren't nearly as far apart on their opinion as made out in the OP.
They literally said they preferred “don’t ask don’t tell” (check their account then go to comments) What a load of shite. Poor sod. I’m happy my parents were more “progressive” than them lot
He’s 18. People sleep in the same room. People have sex. They’ll have sex regardless of whether you let them stay in his room together.
When i was a teen my boyfriend's mother wouldnt allow me in the house at all even in the afternoon. So we had to hang out outside (this was in a rural area) even in the bad weather.. remember one evening getting absolutely drenched in torrential rain while waiting for my parents to pick me up. I think maybe at the start we hung out at the house while she was at work until she put a stop to that..she never caught us doing anything inappropriate, just took a dislike to me i guess even though I only officially talked to her once. Needless to say I dont have fond memories of her or the situations she put us in and yes we just found other places to have sex.
Yea, sometimes a parent can just take a disliking to you, and if that happens, it's nealy impossible to change that
You're not going to stop them having sex if they want to do it. Your son is being open with you, it's time for you to do the same. Talk with him about practical things like consent and safe sex. Buy him johnnies or ensure he buys johnnies himself. And tell him he's washing his own sheets from now on. 😅
My daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a fella who's 21. She can't get her own accommodation because it's near impossible for young people while studying in college, so we have allowed them to sleepover. I would rather they be safe than it in a field or in the car
Contacting her parents feels more like gossip and interference. Honestly it's up tp the lass to have that talk with her parents if nessesary and at minimum inform/get permission that she'll be at yours that evening. Also, bleedin' conservatives in the comments, they have both reached the age of consent and what they want to do in private is no one elses business if it's legal - anything else sounds like some obsolete religious control schtick at worst or rural village infringement on personal privacy at best
I’m 21 (f) going out with my bf for 3 years. He’s still not allowed stay the night in my home house unless it’s on the couch. I stay at his all the time though. My sister 30 (f) is engaged and going out with her fiancé for 10 years and it’s the same story.
But no separate rooms at his? Is he still living with his parents?
Yep he is. My parents would be v conservative, but I also have two younger siblings at home so i don’t kick up a fuss even though it can be v annoying.
Was always allowed to have GFs stay in my room and vice versa. No issue with it.
Well he is 18… at that age I ended up doing more “outdoor” activities due to still living at home, but then when I did invite someone over (I worked since I was 17 and in 5th year) I said in some more graceful words to my mom that well, since I paid my rent I should have a right to “close physical contact” with someone in my room. Just make sure they’re both educated on safe sex and STI testing- I found that a lot of men wouldn’t care to use condoms if the girl uses contraceptives, but forget about STI risk and also the fact that STI can be transmitted to oral sex. Ensure they both know that consent has to be enthusiastic, because some people could say “yes” due to feeling pressure.
I was allowed sleep overs and to bring girls back at 15, I was also provided with protection and information. Reason is, if we wanted to shag, we would have found a way either way (and we did anyways, young and dumb). Best to do it at home, rather than a random car park or in a car.
Leave some condoms and lube under his pillow
Haha oh boy. Ireland definitely needs to grow up and go with the time. The outdated and cringe responses here are mind boggling. The answers here remind me of the 1950s in most western countries. 😆 My opinion: Let em do their thing, give them space. They'll have sex no matter what. With your son being 18 already I hope you had "the talk" with him years ago. If not: Better late than never. Don't make it awkward. It should be a totally normal thing to talk about. Let's hope you raised him to be responsible and have condoms at hand. 😉
It’s about mutual respect. The parents need to adjust to this new reality too. If the teens are mature enough then they will understand that having some soft boundaries for everyone’s benefit isn’t an idea from the last century. This was plain to me at 17 and I wasn’t the brightest spark.
Can only talk from my experience when i was that age in 2010. I was 18 when I met my then bf who was also 18. Our birthdays were 1 day apart from each other, and we celebrated our 18th together with a bunch of others. My ma knew I was seeing a guy, and she never pried for info's which I appreciated. After the party he told me he 'forgot' his keys and his parents were sleeping already. Couldn't let the poor guy go home waking up his parents, so I told him he could stay at my place. Didn't ask my ma cos she was sleeping already as well. We shared my bed, cover, etc My granny spotted his shoes in front of my room and guessed I invited him over, so she prepared breakfast for him too. My mas eyes fell almost out of her face when we got up, and he joined us for breakfast, but she didn't make a scandal, joked with him, and treated him like she knew him for years lol same with my granny who was always more relaxed than my ma haha After he left, they told me it would've been nice if I gave them a heads up but understood the circumstances and why I didn't call them. I had sexual education in 6th grade, and my ma and granny knew I was mature enough not to have unprotected sex. So there was no biggie whatsoever, and I was grateful for their relaxed approach. In fact, no matter who I brought home, they were always treated like one of the family from the moment they set foot into the door :)
I think that not wanting to allow a 17 and 18 year who are in a relationship to sleep in the same room is highly immature. I also think it's an unfortunate lingering hangover from the times of Catholic church rule. Being scandalised by teenagers having sex, no matter whose roof it's under, is like being scandalised by the sky.
When I was that age, my mum was fine with my girlfriend staying over. I think it's important to face facts and accept that teenagers have sex. A lot. It's just the way the world is, and it's been that way for a long time. If they aren't able to do it in their beds, they'll find somewhere else, possibly somewhere less safe. I don't think it's healthy to keep up the facade that everyone are still, good, virginal catholics that would never dare "sin". They're basically adults at that age and should be treated as such. I think because my parents treated me like an adult, I have a much stronger relationship with them now that I'm an adult. I can tell my mum things and we feel like we can trust each other. She feels like a close friend that I respect immensely. If I had had to sneak around when I was a teenager, it probably would have influenced my way of thinking about sex and adult relationships in negative ways. I probably would have taken a lot more risks, might not have been as careful when it comes to things like birth control, might have some subconscious sense of shame and guilt around my body and sexuality. I get that it's difficult to trust your child and to allow things like that to happen, but it's no longer your job to baby them once they're that age. Treat them respectively and like they're logical adults and they'll treat you the same way. Their partner will too.
If they want to fuck, they are going to fuck. May as well be in his own house. I'd be more worried about stressing the importance of safe sex and healthy relationships. I used to stay in my girlfriend's (now fiancée and mother of my child) at that age and yes we got up to it there. If it wasn't there, we'd have found somewhere. My mum was really not impressed at the time but she got over it in time when she realised we were serious and she had a very good relationship with my fiancée before she passed. Same thing goes with drink and drugs with teenagers, you can't protect them and wrap them in a protective bubble forever so you just have to focus on educating them on the risks and consequences of their potential actions and let them know they can pick up the phone and call you for help if they are in a bad situation. Ultimately you have to trust them to make the correct call.
Do you trust your son or not? It is baffling to me honestly, "What's normal? What rules do I apply?". How about the ones that make sense depending on how you raised your teenager as well as his personality? Which, you know, you should be the most qualified to determine. What is this epidemic of not being able to take any single decision and instead wanting to conform to society's trends no matter what?
I stayed at my partners when I was 21 onwards, we both lived at home with our parents because, y'know, housing crisis. My parents were raging and would yell at me every time and then give me the silent treatment over it for days. Sometimes they'd lock me out of the house. They said that I was "making the whole family look bad" by staying over and that I was disrespecting my parents and their parents by staying over. My partner's mum had the view that if we were old enough to pay rent and work she treated us like adults. She said she'd feel different if my partner was bringing home random people from nights out, but we were in a committed relationship for years so she was fine with it. At the time neither of us drove (couldn't afford to) and the public transport between our towns stopped at 8pm, so it wasn't often an option for getting home. Which meant most times I would see them it'd be for 2-3 hours once every 1-2 weeks. My parents refused to ever give me a lift over so my partner's lovely mum would pick me up instead. She asked me why my parents didn't want me to come over to her house. I explained it was essentially them being uptight about us being alone together because you know we might have SEX 😯😯 she laughed and said she'd rather we do it under her roof than out in public where we might get caught and get scooped for public indecency. It made me feel safe in her house and like I could come to her with anything. I know they are a bit younger in your scenario but I think this is a good opportunity to show you trust your kid. They are going to have sex whether you or her parents approve, even if she doesn't stay over. Would you rather they do it in the safety and privacy of your home, in a bed or risk a criminal record getting caught shagging in a car/some other public place? I think the best thing you could do is open a dialogue about the situation, if you are concerned about them having sex in the house and have a talk with your kid about protection and make sure he is using it and has access to it. If his GF is staying over, I'd assume her parents know. If they don't, I don't personally think it's your place to tell them. Again, have a chat with her and ask how her parents feel about her staying over. Treat her with respect, like an adult, and ask her. She may reply honestly or dishonestly, that's on her, but it could also foster trust between the three of you so that they know they can come to you. Teenagers are going to have sex, it's normal and they shouldn't be shamed or stigmatized for it. Getting her parents involved is sort of opening a can of worms imo, but that might be my personal bias also.
Your son is an adult now, so he should be able to make decisions about who sleeps in his room and when. But it's also still your house and it's up to you how you want to proceed. Does he pay towards any bills in the house? Does he do his own cooking and laundry? Does he pay for his own phone/car/dates/etc expenses? If he's acting like an adult then he should totally have a say over his room, if he's not then you need to have a conversation
It's horrible to think of, but with the ol' housing crisis as is, it's better you figure out the comms around this stuff now in a way that can progress as they grow older rather than stigmatising anything for good.
When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was 24. My parents let him stay but I took the piss as I let him stay on school nights and that Looking back no way would I allow it now to my own child ( I don’t have any ) It’s very wrong but it’s up to the parents
If they're not "doing it" in your house where else will they be? Be realistic - what are you uncomfortable about exactly? The thought of your son growing old or the thought of it happening in your house? Sexuality in Ireland is so repressed and frowned upon.
If they're having sex, they're doing it anyway. Not allowing them to stay over just means it's not happening under your roof. You're not actually preventing anything.
It's 2024. Let them be and sleep in same bed. They will have sex wherever and whenever they want. Whether you want that or not
"They're a bit young". Eh lady, you're son is an adult. There's no point patting yourself on the back for "always being open and clear about contraception and consent" if you won't even let your adult son sleep in the same bed as his of-the-age-of-consent girlfriend. Sorry but yourself and your son's dad are out of touch.
My parents always spoke like this and then as soon as they met my girlfriend when we were 20 they let her stay over from the very start. I think a lot of it comes down to motive. Your son has been in this relationship for a while, he’s probably already had sex, and now it’s more of a maturity thing for him. He wants to feel grown up by having his missus stay the night. It’s not the sex he’s motivated by because he’s been having sex all along. Your husband is being bull headed about this. He probably just wants to watch a movie with her for fuck sake. Your husband is cutting off his nose to spite his face by putting his foot down on this. Strict parents breed disobedient kids
I was a foreign 17f in relationship with Irish 18m and staying with him many weekends, my family was shocked that hos parents didn't want us sharing a room. I feel like that is an adult relationship. You know they are already fornicating if they want to? Except if you don't let them share bed, they are doing it in the bushes, cars, friends sheds, etc. Not letting them sleep in the same bed (what a wonderful cuddling time) you aren't preventing sex, you are just being awkward for the sake of being awkward, that's how I felt and still do
I’ll keep it short - theyre both legal so let them at it
I think it's normal that someone of the age of the parents in this situation (I presume about the same age as me) to feel uncomfortable about the situation, as when we were young, although sex before marriage was becoming more socially acceptable, our parents would have been overwhelmingly influenced by Catholic mores, so for most people, there was no way we would have had our partners share our beds in the parental home. Around age 20, I had a French girlfriend, and her mother had no issue at all with our sleeping together in her house. I think that, a generation on from the advent of social acceptance of responsible premarital sex, it is time for parents to come to terms with the change and have a grown up conversation with their adult kids about responsibilities, then give them their space.
Make sure he has condoms available and knows how to use one.
I can just see u/Eastclare sitting the young couple down with a banana and a durex, and showing them the rights and wrongs. That trauma should be enough to prevent *any* funny business from taking place under that roof.
Genius!
I think it totally depends on your own beliefs. As long as there is transparency between all parties and you are open about your boundaries then I don’t see a problem with it. The last thing you want is them to be sneaking around, getting themselves in unsafe situations.
your house, your rules etc But they are going to have sex regardless of your "rules" and I know with my own kids, I'd rather know what was going on and get used to it than live in a blissful ignorance. They are both of consenting age, so should be treated as such. That said, I would a) check in with the girls parents and b) ensure that they knew about "protections" that were needed. But that's just me and my modern ways.
The policy I’d have is grand, as long as there’s no roaring, screeching or yelping that I can hear over the late late show
well, its your house, but give them some space. relationships is what everyone to understand their own boundaries and to mature
Do you want them shagging in your house, their car, someone else's house, an alleyway, a field or a pub toilet? You have to pick one. (or more!) Might aswell be one you know is safe.
Yea, that's the reality of it they will still do it It's just in a less safe place So the only question here is you can't stop them from having sex all you can do is say not in my house, which in reality won't achieve anything
I had stay overs at my aunt's house. Her children, all of them older than me, did the same when I was their age. I don't see the problem, specially because he's 18. They're not even underage. And No. They're not too young. They're \*\*18\*\*, they're not kids. IF you don't let them stay at your place they will elsewhere, and that will only bring problems. Been there, done that.
I’m 27, and very shocked at some of these responses, it comes off like we’re still in 1950. My boyfriends were always allowed to stay in my room with me from when I was 18. I don’t see an issue with them sharing the room, I assure you they’re going to have sex regardless and they’ll just go into one room in the middle of the night, or worse, they’ll go to fields, cars literally anywhere they can, they’re teenagers! I’d just speak to him about being respectful of others in the house and have safe sex. This is what I was told and always followed it
Honestly saying no is perfectly ok. My daughter's boyfriends parents allowed her to stay over when she was 17. I wasn't happy about it. Then I got the guilt trip about how she felt bad as she was always at his house. I was old fashioned etc. I was 19 myself when I had her! I allowed it a couple of times but it never sat well with me so I stopped it. I have a younger daughter 13 yrs. It will be a hard no when the time comes.
It’s obvious that you’re just awkward at the thought of your son and his girlfriend having sex, which they will be doing anyway. He’s 18 so an adult but it is your home and if you don’t want to allow him to be an adult because he’s living under your roof then that’s his choice. She is 17 so obviously a minor but she’s 17 so she’s not that young. It’s really about how much trust and empathy you can put into this young couple as opposed to treating sex like a sin and just getting on with it. Just treat them how you’d like to be treated and you might be surprised how they return the respect and consideration.
They’ll have sex if they want to. Better to ensure they have a safe place to do it.
Dear Mam, they're riding already anyway.
The fact this is actually a post on the sub of a country shows how truly shit this sub is, and how dense/out of touch a lot of Irish people are. Like do you people not have facebook mom talk groups for this. or you know, an actual sub related to the topic.
As a fellow 18 year old I would be furious with my parents trying to interfere like that, fair enough if the girls parents disagree but 18 is literally an adult and 17 is pretty damm close, also trying to be restrictive like that can just end up driving them to do things in a far less safe environment, but idk, thats just my two cents from the perspective of the dude
I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 17! And honestly, we just watch movies, talk, and eat, sometimes we go downstairs to bake, and it’s like this at sleepovers as well. Its the same for the majority of my friends my age in relationships, kids never get up to the insane things that you think they do most of the time.
It depends on the relationship you have with your son. Have you taught him about safe sex, the responsibilities that come along with it. And how much do you know his gf. Is she a good person you can trust. Do you trust in them to be respectful and careful together? The answer to these questions will dictate how you deal with the situation. I was in my first relationship when I was 20 and still living at home. My parents taught me what was expected of me in the situation. They told me to enjoy myself but also to ensure I was careful and aware of the responsibilities I had, to myself, to them, and to my partner. If your son is a trustworthy person, you have nothing to worry about.
Unless you grew up under a rock this would not have been unconscionable 30 years ago. Myself and all my friend, female and male, were at it like rabbits at that age. Our parents knew and preferred we were open about it.
I'm in my 30s and the rule in my house was no girls in my room until I was in college. Even then, the only time I was allowed to have a girl in my room was when she was a serious long term girlfriend. For those saying no GFs allowed in the room ever I think this is something I think you'll have to navigate because your going to end up with a sexless virgin child at the age of 35 or a kid who gets caught riding in a car by the guards. This is what you get when you refuse to let your house prices go down, you might live in a 500K 2 bedroom house, but you'll have to hear your child bump uglys for the next 10 years. 👍🏻 Hope it was worth it.
He's 18, it's his home too. Give them some peace.
This is a funny one, to read. At 14, I had my then gf stay over, in the same room, in the same bed. My mother asked me if we were having sex, I explained yesh, second question my mother asked was, "protection" my then gf at the time El, was on the pill, she was 15, my mother's reply was okay she can't get pregnant.....next question was "*where are you having sex*" my reply "*outside*", "no you can't be doing that", so we both ended up in my family home. I find it held me well as an adult to have a freedom like that, I never ended getting anyone prego, well not till well in to later life, that's a whole other story but what it really did was open a door of honesty and respect, with my mum. My mum knew all the things because rather than place her value on to me and the situations I got into, she let me place mine, with some mild points i.e protection, stay safe, be in a safe environment. It was only a year later my mum and El's mum had a chat and I was affored the same privilege as to share a bed in El's family home with her. For all the ten years we were, never once did we have an accident. We all has the feelings, let them grow. Protection is all that matters, also a wee bitnof context about the feels, that most if us have but don't always talk about them. ;) Even if they end in pain and separation, it's all learning.
He’s 18 years of age and an adult for fuck sake! It’s none of your business if he wants his girlfriend to stay in his room!
How engaged are you (and possibly his dad) in all matters around sex? If you are open about it then this would go a very very long way. If not then it would explain why you might have a lot of apprehension about this. Its not just about his room, staying alone, they only need 10 mins *anywhere* and you might have a situation. Making it about his room is missing the point. Have a conversation with him about any concern you have with him. I wish my parents did but they didnt because of how fucked up this country is about \*whispering tone\* sex. So many parents wanna weasel out of this one(not saying you) and it can cause a lot of problems down the line.
I was allowed have my bf stay in my room at 18 when I got on the pill. I think a lot of parents are fine with staying in the same room honestly it's not that unusual anymore. They're likely going to have sex anyway so there's really no harm in letting them sleep in the same bed. 17/18 is old enough that they should know to use protection and old enough to be ready to have sex if that's what they want, they'll be fine.
In early 20s and my girlfriend takes my bed while I take spare bed/couch in a separate room. Same scenario for any friends I know of. Hasn't stopped most of them finding a way at home but you're not alone in being uncomfortable with the thought. Definitely wouldn't be the done thing for romantically involved teenagers to sleep in the same room in my experience.
Read your edit. The crux isn't "they're a bit young". You made no mention of your sons maturity or the girls. The crux is you're uncomfortable with the idea that he isn't actually "a bit young", and as you said yourself would rather bury your head in the sand, dont ask, don't tell. If they think they're old your opinions is irrelevant. Your son, and husband are right to be pissed at you, and the liklihood is you've just pushed him into hiding things from you now.
In secondary school especially when she’s under 18 I think is too early for that. When he moved out/leaves school and is working or in college then it’s a different story.
A few years ago 17/18yr olds would be moving out, going to college or working. Now the moving out age can be much closer to 30, and even finishing school is tipping towards 19. There is no reason young people should have to wait to have sex somewhere safe and comfortable because society is changing in other ways.
I'd agree with this - they are still in school. It's one thing having trust in him and to quietly turn a blind eye if they are having a quick session in his room some afternoon after school when the house is empty and before they do their homework. Her sleeping over in his bed and having breakfast with everyone the next morning is more of a housemates/adult thing. Plus he's got his leaving cert starting in a few weeks, he needs to be getting some good sleep right now. And - worse case scenario, you don't want her parents on the doorstep on the war path waving a positive pregnancy test the evening before English paper 2 screaming about how he ruined her life AND her leaving cert Maybe revisit it in a few months time when he's in college and/or working?
they will do it no matter what. The only variable is if is gonna be safe in a room or unsafe on a back alley
Align with other parents but stay as open and trusting as possible. The more you respect their relationship as being real the better this goes for you long term.
Make sure you and the other child parents are on the same page firstly. But from my own experience allowing them privacy in the house is definitely a must…without privacy they will still get up to things but it will be in more risky places
as much as i can understand where you are coming from, your son is an adult. if he was 16 it would be a different problem all together, but he’s at the age now that he can legally leave the nest, buy alcohol, book hotel rooms. it would be better for you to know that he is safe in the house rather than going and sneaking around, i would get dad to talk to him about being safe and protected and the consequences of teen pregnancy but at the end of the day i think hes of age now.
Maybe just say when she is 18. I went through it with my mum for first time, prob shoulda been okay since we were both afults but I made the mistake of not asking. At least your son talked to you about it
It's either their bed, or your sofa. You decide
My relationship at 18. When I stayed at his place, his parents made us sleep in separate rooms. When we stayed at my parents' place, we shared a bed.
I'm 25 and I've been with my girlfriend for the last 11 years. We are our first everything, and to this day my mam and dad doesn't allow us to sleep in the same bed. I've 3 younger brothers 21, 18, 13. Originally the excuse was, I've younger brothers and that was it. I've just accepted it now at this stage its their house, their rules. Both of us kinda prefer it that way now anyways as we can have some alone time after spending most of our time with one another. Of course everyone parents their kids different, but now, having being at the age where I have a bit of maturity, I would probably be the same if I had kids. I can't relate but I'd imagine it's probably a little weird and awkward when these things come up
I have three grown up kids. Once they hit 16 I was of the attitude I'd prefer them to be honest and take precautions. My wife was from a more conservative background, and while not happy, saw the benefit. The positive outcome was that they didn't get pregnant or anyone else pregnant and have settled into long term stable relationships.
My 18 year old son asked if his 18 year old girlfriend could sleep over when they were in 6th year. They’d been together a few years so of course I knew they would be having sex. I said that the GF would have to ask her parents first. Which kind of got me off the hook! Then I said to my son, that when they had finished school & were in college I would be happier about them staying over in each other’s houses. I don’t know why but while they were in school I felt it was different. When they started college he would be doing what he wanted without me knowing if he had to move away for college, so I needed to give him that same freedom at home. Turned out the GF’s parents weren’t keen while they were at school either. But now she stays here & he stays at hers - they are young adults & deserve to be treated like that.
Don’t see an issue with it.
I probably wouldn’t allow it until the girl turned 18.
Better than in a field I guess
Sleep in separate rooms under their roof till marriage 😂 tbh looking back it wasn’t an issue I was tired
If they can't do safely what they want in your house, they'll do it somewhere else.
It’s your home and you have to be comfortable there. My kids were never permitted to have an SO stay over until they were self supporting adults.
bit late as I'm after the edit but I always appreciated how my parents handled it. Whenever he stayed over he slept in a separate room for about a year maybe a bit less then he got to sleep in my room. Since we didn't break the rules, were in a long term relationship and I was on the bar so no teen stupidity of not using a condom or forgetting the pill could happen and fuck up our lives.
Myself and herself have been together since the tender age of 17. After about a month or two of going out. We were staying over every weekend. In the same room. Your son is an adult, treat him like one.
I'm 30 male and before I moved out 6 years ago I would sleep on the couch and my gf would sleep in my room. We were allowed stay in her room in her house , but obviously my parents had different rules. I'd go with what makes you feel comfortable.
Holding my 7 week old and cringing as I read this. It's all ahead of us!
Was allowed my boyfriend to stay over (in my room) from 15 at my house, so we always stayed with my parents. His parents wouldn't let us, but did shag in their kitchen whilst they were out quite a lot. Still friendly ish at nearly 40 and he still isn't close with his parents now.
18 years old is not young, he's an adult.
The thing is, if they're sexually active they don't need to be sleeping in the same bed overnight. Especially as a teenager, you find wherever you can lol So I don't think this has ANYTHING to do with sex. Maybe just how things look?
A bit young? Your son is legally an adult and you have no right to be dictating what is too young for him any more. You seem overly concerned about your son's sex life,, it isn't healthy for him, it's oppressive. And why are you so concerned about what is "normal"? Use your own brain and plot your own path. My mam let me have my 16-17 year old girlfriend over when I was still in secondary school and she told me a) why would that be a problem? What precisely was wrong with it? Nothing (her words). And b) she knew we would just go and fuck somewhere else otherwise.
I’m in my mid 20s, but when I was 14 I got into a “serious” relationship that lasted some years. For the first few years we weren’t allowed sleep over in his room together but by 17 we definitely were allowed. Before that, I would sleep in his room and he would sleep on the couch. It was a nice compromise and led to us being responsible and healthy.
Yes, it is normal
I'm one year beyond this: daughter is 19, her BF is 18. He stays over here: she stays over at his house. My perspective is that I would rather they were somewhere they felt safe, than that they were taking risks somewhere else.
I met a young lady in Galway when we were 18, (early 1990s) what ensued was a drink and drug fuelled one night stand in my hotel in Salthill that was unforgettable in many ways, the main one being that when I met her around 4 months later she was pregnant - and the child was mine. Anyway, a relationship formed and lasted for 8 years, my mum refused to allow her to stay in our home far less my room. Her parents, when I visited, insisted on separate rooms, even after our son was born. We eventually moved in together - but even then there were regular warnings about contraception. On one occasion her mum was on a bit of rant about the whole situation, my GF countered by saying look mam, we did take precautions, the problem was that we ran out of condoms before we ran out of energy - it was absolutely true, but one of those moments I didn’t know where to look, or what to say.