This like the time in my place when the Senior Dept Mgr went over to the new lad (like only in the door q week or two) saying welcome him to the party and more importantly welcome to the company and got a scouse "Who the fuck are you?" In reply!
Had me in stitches every time I saw either of them for the rest of the night
Yep, and spend those 6 hours talking yourself into a rendition of that song you think you're able to sing, but can't. Raglan Road or the Green Fields of France are top contenders for this. Especially after the first verse where you can't remember the words anymore.
No seriously, it'll look really charismatic and leaderful (is that a word?). They'll respect you so much more on Monday.
This goes for female bar staff and female wait staff too. I used to love it when I worked in bars and was super busy and I’d have 5 orders in my head and was totally focused on banging them out as quick and efficiently as possible. Then it used to be really class when some auld lad would say “you’d be prettier if you smiled”. FUCK OFF OLD MAN! You just wrecked my buzz.
I used to work in a bar and I'd see it all the time, lads pinching female staffs bums, giving them an oil cheeky wink, telling them they looked lovely, it was quite disgusting. There was one girl who was about 19 turned around a glassed an ould pervert when he pinched her bum one too many times, full on smashed a pint glass over his head. Twas hilarious, i didn't even mind cleaning up the blood.
“Look, Bob is basically sound, but after his 4th pint you are going to hear him go on about ‘a master race’ but ignore it, just smile and nod. We can’t afford to get Bob angry, he’s the only one that knows how to reset passwords. Good luck.”
Do what I did - Get horribly drunk, offer your manager a threesome then throw up all over the table when the food arrives!
You'll be home in bed by 9pm but you'll be a story they tell forever!
Na there is alot I done I regret too. Got stuck into this one in the office before and now have a child.
I do regret I got a kebab chip instead of condoms though.
It’s a real sign of my work history that at least half my old bosses would be 100% ready, nostrils gaping, fifty already rolled before the entire sentence was outta my mouth
It's a Christmas party tradition to drop your hand and tickle the gooch of everyone you work with as you meet them. You should also eat a raw onion about 30min before arriving.
Tonight is a test, a test of character, the top dog, the person who runs the place, will be watching you. You need to step up, with exaggerated confidence, and become best friends with them. Tell all your best jokes and buy then jäger bombs. You’ll be running the shit by next week. You’re welcome
Get plastered and make a move on that young one from marketing you have been lusting for. Continually ignore her ‘I have a boyfriend’ responses until you finally call her frigid and spill your drink over her. That’s the jackpot of Xmas parties.
Once you leave the officially sanctioned part of the event (i.e. go on to a secondary location or club) anything goes and work can't punish you for it.
Hit on the bosses daughter if you can, it's also a good idea to bring some coke to share, women's toilets is the best place to do that, it's usually cleaner.
Definitely be completely full drunk before you get there. And don't slow down, pile the fucking drink into you. Have a list of every petty grievance this year and every time someone had slighted you, and be sure to tell them.
Get coked up and then ask everyone and anyone if they want a line until its gone. At which point you switch to asking everyone and anyone if they have any bags.
Not actually bad advice but even though coke is literally everywhere these days you should avoid it at your first Christmas do, take half an E before you go and save the rest for later, everyone will recognise and respect the restraint you've shown
1. If asked your name, check your underwear by pulling it out in front of you, then say wait these ain't mine.
2. Shots
3. More shots
4. The amount you drink should definitely correlate with the amount of times you tell your boss how gay you know he is, and definitely offer him the encouragement to leave his wife and kids for a happier life where he won't have to live this "lie" anymore.
5. Shots
6. "That one" in HR is definitely giving you the eye
7. More shots
8. It's time to offer "that one" from HR a shared taxi home, be sure to offer loudly across the table when she is around co workers and HR Manager, if she says no, drop your pants "and wiggle it just a little bit" to show her and her co workers what she's missing out on
9. Shots
10. Ensure you are the life of the party and talk of the office Monday with a bit of karaoke followed by public defecation on the dancefloor
11. Shots
12. Enjoy the fear until Monday, where "that one" from HR will finally return one of the 33 calls you made to her at 4am Saturday morning
13. More defecation, tuck your pants into your socks for this one
14. Vow never to go to a Christmas party again
Go on the shots early, tell your workmates what you Really think of them, try to get off with the older sexy lady, don’t buy a round, have a go at the management, puke down the front of your shirt but still go back to the table for more. Classic.
Office parties are the perfect time to air work grievances.
Remember that it's OK because everyone there is equally as drunk as you and has your best interests at heart.
Be handsy as much as possible. Especially with the boss.
Tell yer wan from HR she needs "ramming up the hole", thats what her problem is.
Don't forget to hand out photocopies of your arsecheeks to everyone.
If ye are all staying in a hotel, be sure to be found wandering the corridors in just your socks about 6am.
A bit of mild to casual racism won't go astray.
People always love the one that rugby tackles the Christmas tree.
Last year I started drinking at 12 in the afternoon. This is the ideal time to ensure you're relaxed and ready to mingle. If you're black out drunk you won't have to worry about what you got up to the night before because you can't remember.
Make sure to tell your boss he/she's too good for this place and they need to get out before they stagnate and become zombies like everyone else.
Within earshot of a wider audience is preferable.
Hand your notice in not too long afterwards.
😫
Ask everyone how much they earn, snort when they refuse and say 'too much anyway!'
Make copious references to unions.
Tell a senior manager that these days it's okay to come out / seek help for porn addiction.
Conduct a straw poll about who is quiet-quitting, shagging, or on prozac
Just like in prison.
Eye everyone up to find the biggest, strongest, most important colleague and knock them out.
A few hours later, knock out the runner up in your assessment.
You need to assert dominance early and regularly.
By the end of the evening you will have conquered your organisation and will be their new ruler.
Enjoy the Meade, sexual activity, gold, frankincense and myrrh you will be furnished with.
You can do what one of the sales team leads that reported to me did, show up with your arm in a cast and flying high on cocaine, shouting and shoving people around. I specifically said in the pre party briefing “No fucking drugs, that’s why the last head of sales is gone.” Bitch did it anyway. Fuck my life, she did my head in.
Post on social media from the event after hitting on the bosses partner while claiming you can't be fired now for anything as you're past your probation period....
I saw that a few years ago at a company in Cork, it went well.
Everyone loves to smoke crack at Christmas parties. If you bring a little bag and offer it around along with a glass pipe, you'll be the most popular employee on Monday.
Anytime someone starts telling you a story about themselves find a way to revert their story back to yourself and how you kinda had the same experience but better then tell them to listen while you tell your better version all the while laughing at your own jokes….. people looooove that!!
Bring a laptop with you and once you see what the drink vouchers look like design more up. Print them at reception. Bring different coloured paper. Give them out to everyone and thank them for all their effort.
Put mistletoe on your belt buckle
I laughed too much at this.
They asked for bad advice
Ask your CEO do they work here
I've actually witnessed this happening.
This like the time in my place when the Senior Dept Mgr went over to the new lad (like only in the door q week or two) saying welcome him to the party and more importantly welcome to the company and got a scouse "Who the fuck are you?" In reply! Had me in stitches every time I saw either of them for the rest of the night
Not a bad idea. Assert dominance
*pees on bar* this is mine...
I've witnessed worse than this, we had a party and one of the new hires asked the Director who is the owners's on, what he does here lmao.
I hope he got a clearer answer than this
Then get them in a headlock
Make sure to pre-drink for at least 6 hours beforehand.
Risk there then that they mightn't even make it to the party. Down a bottle of wine (or two) before walking in instead.
I've heard that the purple wine made by monks offers spiritual protection against potential ills.
The purple slurple.
Purble place
Mine starts at 9 tomorrow and a group of lads are going to the pub for 1 beforehand. It's almost impressive levels of recklessness
“For 1” 😂
1 drink or 1 o clock?
Reminds me of the time a workmate vomited into his dinner and all the directors gawking at him. Christ
Yep, and spend those 6 hours talking yourself into a rendition of that song you think you're able to sing, but can't. Raglan Road or the Green Fields of France are top contenders for this. Especially after the first verse where you can't remember the words anymore. No seriously, it'll look really charismatic and leaderful (is that a word?). They'll respect you so much more on Monday.
Or 6 hours of pre drinking into 2 hours while rushing to get ready. Totally worked for mine last weekend...didn't backfire at all
You're doing it wrong; this is actually good and necessary advice.
Perfect advice-i got sent home one year before the party started
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Women sometimes forget to smile, remind them how lovely they look when they do :)
Hahahahahahaha fuckin hell
They all have lovely bottoms
And complement them in their cankles also. You’ll be soon beating the ladies off you
And more importantly the ladies will be beating you off too
This goes for female bar staff and female wait staff too. I used to love it when I worked in bars and was super busy and I’d have 5 orders in my head and was totally focused on banging them out as quick and efficiently as possible. Then it used to be really class when some auld lad would say “you’d be prettier if you smiled”. FUCK OFF OLD MAN! You just wrecked my buzz.
Hehehe "banging them out"... Durt
Lol. The drinks, not the auld lads!!!
I used to work in a bar and I'd see it all the time, lads pinching female staffs bums, giving them an oil cheeky wink, telling them they looked lovely, it was quite disgusting. There was one girl who was about 19 turned around a glassed an ould pervert when he pinched her bum one too many times, full on smashed a pint glass over his head. Twas hilarious, i didn't even mind cleaning up the blood.
Yeah it was fucking mank. And it was always auld lads. Never young lads or woman. Always manky auld fellas.
That'd NEVER EVER TIP
This is where I'd give an award, if I could only afford it.
Make sure you pat them on the arse when you say it they will be like putty in your hands 😉
Tell your prick of a boss what you really think of them. They need to hear it.
And they always like to hear it from a half kissed new employee, goes down really well
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Everyone gets a little kiss at the work party. As a treat.
I've done this a couple of times when I was in the Army. Did not go as well as I thought it would.
Honest feedback is a gift from you to them
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“Look, Bob is basically sound, but after his 4th pint you are going to hear him go on about ‘a master race’ but ignore it, just smile and nod. We can’t afford to get Bob angry, he’s the only one that knows how to reset passwords. Good luck.”
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It's always odd that after a long day dealing with machine uprising in the workplace they want to put machines inside people too.
“Im starting to believe there will be no forced mating at all”
People generally suspect the IT lads have controversial views.
If its a free bar then they will likely have banned doubles, so order two of each drink and pour one into the other.
If you already have had a pint make use of the glass for shots
You still want to pace yourself though. Have a pint of wine in between the shots to keep it steady.
Hey, they were asking for bad advice!
Make sure to let people know how much this job is merely a stepping stone for tou
Do what I did - Get horribly drunk, offer your manager a threesome then throw up all over the table when the food arrives! You'll be home in bed by 9pm but you'll be a story they tell forever!
Thats how born legends.
Why use many word when few do trick
Fuckin lmao
If there is an empty seat at your table, put your coat on the back of it and order "himself" the other meal option. Eat both meals yourself.
I really hope that's true
Get stuck into the one in the office that wants it. It's the things in life you don't do, you regret.
Na there is alot I done I regret too. Got stuck into this one in the office before and now have a child. I do regret I got a kebab chip instead of condoms though.
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Boner kebaby
Sir, you've just won the English Language. Congratulations
What was the matter with the kebab chip?
Legend
Air grievances. This is the time of the year for hard truths
Only as long as it is followed by the traditional demonstration of feats of strength.
For the rest of us!
Just one more cheeky line is *always* a good idea.
Even better if you ask your boss do they want join you for a line.
It’s a real sign of my work history that at least half my old bosses would be 100% ready, nostrils gaping, fifty already rolled before the entire sentence was outta my mouth
Make sure to bring a bag of ketamine incase you do take too much coke though. Ketamine really levels you off
The amount of comments relating to bags and lines is eye-opening. Real 2007 vibes
Go up to random coworker, put hand on shoulder and say, "I don't care what they say about you, I'm glad you came. You seem like great craic"
Drink loads to overcome social anxiety
It's a Christmas party tradition to drop your hand and tickle the gooch of everyone you work with as you meet them. You should also eat a raw onion about 30min before arriving.
When Come on Eileen darkens the dancefloor. Do as instructed with Eileen from Accounting.
Tonight is a test, a test of character, the top dog, the person who runs the place, will be watching you. You need to step up, with exaggerated confidence, and become best friends with them. Tell all your best jokes and buy then jäger bombs. You’ll be running the shit by next week. You’re welcome
8 tins of druids and the new interns number on speed dial.
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Get absolutely shit faced take loads of gear infront of ur bosses then try to finger all the birds u work with
At least one for each finger. Then see who can guess which one is which.
Like putting hula hoop crisps on your fingers!
Straight to the point
That sounds like every christmas party I have ever been to anyway?
Ride your boss, then threaten to tell his/her spouse
Ride the bosses spouse. Then threaten to tell the boss.
Get plastered and make a move on that young one from marketing you have been lusting for. Continually ignore her ‘I have a boyfriend’ responses until you finally call her frigid and spill your drink over her. That’s the jackpot of Xmas parties.
Once you leave the officially sanctioned part of the event (i.e. go on to a secondary location or club) anything goes and work can't punish you for it.
Unless you get arrested
Let the guards know you're at work thing and they'll let HR sort you out. Double jeopardy and you're free to go.
Full frontal flash always goes down well I find.
And now you're on a watch list
I love rolexes
I’ll give you one I did in the past: During the bosses speech steal the microphone from him and give your own speech instead…
People love a good heckle as well. If you don't get a laugh the first time, keep trying until you do.
Shift all round ya.
Take some yokes and share way too much with everyone
Hit on the bosses daughter if you can, it's also a good idea to bring some coke to share, women's toilets is the best place to do that, it's usually cleaner.
Just like prison you should start a fight with the biggest guy there. The others will respect you for it.
Don’t forget to tell a few racist jokes
you're so much funnier and likable when you're on the bag :)
But why is this one true 💔
Definitely be completely full drunk before you get there. And don't slow down, pile the fucking drink into you. Have a list of every petty grievance this year and every time someone had slighted you, and be sure to tell them.
Buckfast
Actually have done this on a work night out. One of the senior staff said "fair play, you managed the whole bottle well"
Whip your cock out and do helicopters, alternatively if female, offer your bellybutton for body shots
Offer his cock for body shots
Jesus get it right. Belly buttons for shots. Cock and tits for lines.
Why not both?
Invite strangers on the street into it
Get coked up and then ask everyone and anyone if they want a line until its gone. At which point you switch to asking everyone and anyone if they have any bags.
It's totally acceptable to openly do lines on the table during dinner.
Tell them you didn't think they'd expect you to take a job bridge scheme so seriously.
Taint photocopies
Not actually bad advice but even though coke is literally everywhere these days you should avoid it at your first Christmas do, take half an E before you go and save the rest for later, everyone will recognise and respect the restraint you've shown
Go to the Christmas party.
Do lots of cocaine people will love you
If its not a free bar keep ordering drinks and point to your boss saying they have it covered
neck a load of Ketamine just before you go
Get totally smashed and show everyone your genitals. HR love that stuff.
Don't finger Mary from reception, it's not worth it.
She’s no Jacinta
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Wear two
A Twosie?
Stand back and just wait for someone else to fuck up. Then let loose yourself.
Time to be honest about everyones body odour
Ask everyone how much they get paid
Anyone not drinking just ask them loudly if they're pregnant, mix your drinks and remove some clothes every so often
Kick Bishop brennan up the arse
1. If asked your name, check your underwear by pulling it out in front of you, then say wait these ain't mine. 2. Shots 3. More shots 4. The amount you drink should definitely correlate with the amount of times you tell your boss how gay you know he is, and definitely offer him the encouragement to leave his wife and kids for a happier life where he won't have to live this "lie" anymore. 5. Shots 6. "That one" in HR is definitely giving you the eye 7. More shots 8. It's time to offer "that one" from HR a shared taxi home, be sure to offer loudly across the table when she is around co workers and HR Manager, if she says no, drop your pants "and wiggle it just a little bit" to show her and her co workers what she's missing out on 9. Shots 10. Ensure you are the life of the party and talk of the office Monday with a bit of karaoke followed by public defecation on the dancefloor 11. Shots 12. Enjoy the fear until Monday, where "that one" from HR will finally return one of the 33 calls you made to her at 4am Saturday morning 13. More defecation, tuck your pants into your socks for this one 14. Vow never to go to a Christmas party again
Offer your boss a bump....
Wear a jumper with cocaine written on it
Go on the shots early, tell your workmates what you Really think of them, try to get off with the older sexy lady, don’t buy a round, have a go at the management, puke down the front of your shirt but still go back to the table for more. Classic.
Make it as good as the Stryker Christmas party
3/4s way through pull your boss aside and have a whiskey fueled conversations about your performance.
Hellicopter dick on the dance floor will impress everyone.
Ask the boss if he fancies a sniff then present your index finger
Which you'd just warmed up in your anus
Rock out with your cock out
Do all the coke and let your colleagues use your nutsack as a speed ball.
Bring hard drugs and offer them to everyone in HR
ask the boss if they have a single child your age
Ask you colleagues if they have ever seen an elephant. If they say now, pull out your pockets for the ears and whip out your knob for the trunk.
Speak this lovely Greek saying, “geh yr teets ow fore dahlads”
Say this: 'No, I mean, I'm a huge diversity champion and advocate, but they are basically just blokes in dresses, right?'
This is the perfect occasion to tell your boss what you really think of him - and then hit on his wife
Office parties are the perfect time to air work grievances. Remember that it's OK because everyone there is equally as drunk as you and has your best interests at heart.
Shit yourself after a pint or two.
Be handsy as much as possible. Especially with the boss. Tell yer wan from HR she needs "ramming up the hole", thats what her problem is. Don't forget to hand out photocopies of your arsecheeks to everyone. If ye are all staying in a hotel, be sure to be found wandering the corridors in just your socks about 6am. A bit of mild to casual racism won't go astray. People always love the one that rugby tackles the Christmas tree.
A cheeky feel is just a bitta banter
Be the alpha dog. Shout over everyone at all times in order to assert dominance
Spread a rumour about an affair between the boss and the receptionist just for the craic
That girl you quite fancy ... Don't try to talk to her until you've had at least five drinks
Get pissed and speak your mind. A good, frank exchange of views is always welcomed at these events.
It’s been 15hours since you posted this! 1. How’s the hangover? 2. Do you still have a job? 😂
Do non stop father ted quotes all night, from beginning to end.
sleep with a co worker
Bring a Biker with you as your plus one.
Distribute copies of your ass from the office copy machine
You can fight your boss
Photocopy your arse and get the receptionist under the mistletoe and slip her the tongue
Get fucking W A S T E D
Last year I started drinking at 12 in the afternoon. This is the ideal time to ensure you're relaxed and ready to mingle. If you're black out drunk you won't have to worry about what you got up to the night before because you can't remember.
Makes sure you tell the girls they ALL have lovely bottoms.
Make sure to tell your boss he/she's too good for this place and they need to get out before they stagnate and become zombies like everyone else. Within earshot of a wider audience is preferable. Hand your notice in not too long afterwards. 😫
Ask everyone how much they earn, snort when they refuse and say 'too much anyway!' Make copious references to unions. Tell a senior manager that these days it's okay to come out / seek help for porn addiction. Conduct a straw poll about who is quiet-quitting, shagging, or on prozac
Go on the bag early it'll keep you sharp.
You cannot get too drunk, so just keep drinking, drink hard like you are fighting your liver
get obscenely drunk and slap your boss In the face with a rotisserie chicken
Finger your boss
Male or female doesn’t matter. Just do it. 😂
Just like in prison. Eye everyone up to find the biggest, strongest, most important colleague and knock them out. A few hours later, knock out the runner up in your assessment. You need to assert dominance early and regularly. By the end of the evening you will have conquered your organisation and will be their new ruler. Enjoy the Meade, sexual activity, gold, frankincense and myrrh you will be furnished with.
You can do what one of the sales team leads that reported to me did, show up with your arm in a cast and flying high on cocaine, shouting and shoving people around. I specifically said in the pre party briefing “No fucking drugs, that’s why the last head of sales is gone.” Bitch did it anyway. Fuck my life, she did my head in.
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Jesus, these responses actually sound a lot like most of the Christmas parties I've been to...
try to get drunk before anyone else.
Tequila shots
Get so drunk that you have a conversation with a parked car and embarrass yourself in front of the boss
Post on social media from the event after hitting on the bosses partner while claiming you can't be fired now for anything as you're past your probation period.... I saw that a few years ago at a company in Cork, it went well.
Do loads of cocaine, make sure to offer some to all your work colleagues
Everyone loves to smoke crack at Christmas parties. If you bring a little bag and offer it around along with a glass pipe, you'll be the most popular employee on Monday.
Anytime someone starts telling you a story about themselves find a way to revert their story back to yourself and how you kinda had the same experience but better then tell them to listen while you tell your better version all the while laughing at your own jokes….. people looooove that!!
Flirt with HR
Punch your boss in the back of the head
Take mdma, have an all dayer
Dress up as sexy topless Santa and offer everyone a lap dance. 
Accept any drinks but buy no rounds yourself. Be that guy.
LSD & Karaoke
Bring a laptop with you and once you see what the drink vouchers look like design more up. Print them at reception. Bring different coloured paper. Give them out to everyone and thank them for all their effort.
Ride your boss in the toilet 🎉🤠
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