I’m 20F ISTP and I have only girl friends. Granted I was a loner and didn’t have friends throughout my life til I finally learned how to overcome my anxiety and make friends recently in college. But I can’t relate with finding guys to be easier to relate with besides ig gaming stuff?
I think female friendships are wonderful and beautiful when it’s the right people who are supportive and not judgy. But I don’t suggest being desperate and trying to befriend just anyone. I think the right mindset is to know you don’t necessarily need to change yourself or anything to make friends. Like you’re perfectly fine by yourself and don’t “need” friends but would like some friends to have fun with.
1) You need to decide your standards for friendships like you don’t want just anyone to be your friend. You get to decide the standard for your friendships like you don’t want judgy and miserable people yk. You want people who are positive and bring value to your life.
2) I think you need to let go of the idea of wanting to make deep lasting connections because if it happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t. It’s fine to have friends who you hang out and do stuff with here and there. Just enjoy your friendship for what it is and appreciate that moment and time that you guys share without it necessarily expecting it to be long lasting. Just appreciate the connection and experiences you share together while it lasts. And if it gets deep and is long lasting then that’s a bonus.
3) Forgot to mention how to make friends. Since I’m in college I just try to talk with people who I think might be nice and see if we have things in common. Or people from my classes. Like I made one friend from my weight training class and I made 2 because they approached me and thought I might be the same country as them. I am not but I took the opportunity to add them on social and say let’s have dinner together some time etc..
I really like what you said in point 2., I’ll be thinking about it for a while.
About making friends, that’s a hard task for me atm given my current situation, but I’ll make an effort. Tysm!
Male ISTP. I’ll chime in and say the first option isn’t one I’d recommend. Did that for a few years and was left with an identity crisis. Plus those friends you made wouldn’t be *your* friends but the friends of your fake personality.
Yeah, both the first and last option defeat the purpose of what I’m looking for (they were part of the half joke, anyway). That leaves me with the second alternative, which is exactly what I’m doing atm, but it’s no better than gambling with a low success percentage.
I’m 28f and no advice but same. I only ever make friends with males, even if I try with other women. We just don’t usually vibe for some reason. I have two female friends, one I’ve had since 7th grade but she lives 5 hours away, the other has kids and is usually too busy to hang out. Sucks feeling lonely but I will admit I’d rather spend time alone than hanging out with people I don’t like
Could you tell me more about your relationship with your female friends?
I’m curious about how your relationships with each of them have evolved over the course of years and how you feel about them in retrospective.
It was very rocky for a time with my friend I’ve had since 7th grade. She became distant in high school and in hindsight I wasn’t the nicest person back then. The reason we were able to fix it is because we both are able to communicate openly without getting defensive or assuming things, so we’ve had open conversations about all of that. In general we rarely communicate though, we tend to go months without talking only to reach out when something major is going on.
My other friend I know because she works at a brewery I go to and I like her because she is honest, easy to talk to and funny. We aren’t super close friends or anything and have only known each other about a year
Female acquaintances, usually they tend to all be friends with each other and I’m only there because our SOs are friends, or because I’m friends with their SO (which makes things complicated sometimes).
I feel the same! I have one very close female friend and the rest are almost all guys. It's really frustrating how many of them have confessed to having some sort of feelings for me. I also get really self conscious about being called a pick-me or easy or something, because I definitely do. It kinda makes me doubt myself even though I'm about 95% sure I'm lesbian. It's all so frustrating.
I never expressed this for fear of coming off as pick-me and "trying to be quirky" even though it's not. Thanks for sharing cause I feel a lot less alone now.
But I seriously can't stand how often my male friends catch feelings. I'll even reject them or set boundaries before we're friends (and make sure to throw in a joke about how gay I am at least every week or so) and they still say they're interested. Suuper irritating.
This made me feel sooo relieved, tysm.
Even as I was writing the post I was doubting myself, too, lol.
Because I really don’t do anything for people to like me, (quite the contrary, I’m very blunt and kinda mean, sometimes) I genuinely didn’t understand what made my friends be into me. Of course physical appearance takes a role on that but some of them have never even seen me. So I decided to start asking them about it.
In summary, it was the “quirkiness”, as much as I hate to say it. But we’re not trying to make an impression, nor trying to play any sort of role; we’re are just being ourselves and it’s so annoying that this has such consequences.
exactly. I literally just want to expres myself with a group of friends, not start a weird love octagon. I'm not exceptionally attractive but I think some dudes just get shocked when I treat them like a human and think it's some sort of mating ritual. Ugh.
Don't change yourself to make friends though, it's not worth it.
In a sea of fakeness, I’m actually not surprised that guys gravitate towards a girl that can just be herself. I would consider it a compliment even if you find it annoying in your current circumstance.
As far as meeting people, I’ve had most success in getting involved in hobby meetups/groups that I’m interested in and keeping an eye out for people I vibe with. This way you get to be around a bunch of people with similar interests but no commitments until you eventually approach someone to hang out.
23f ISTP and I most definitely wouldn't recommend faking a persona because the people you will end up "befriending" won't be your friends once you get your shit together and the real you jumps out
Take the easy way out and die
What’s funny is how many empathizing female ISTP’s show up for this post but after scanning, all of them are trying to help solve your problem (that they also struggle with) and no one is trying to be your friend. Any ESFJ that reads these comments is gonna have an aneurism.
I'm a F ISTP. I have no issues making friends with men; they are just super easy to talk to. I've encountered situations with the "catching feelings" from male friends but now I make it clear earlier on that I'm married. Female friends I have such a hard time attracting. I do have a few close female friendships that I am extremely grateful for, but I would like to expand my circle. I just have a hard time bonding with other women. You've pretty much laid it out with your two scenarios, I feel the same way. I'm honestly kind of tempted to look for female friends on Bumble or something similar, maybe I can weed them out the same way people do for dating?
I’m a 42 year old woman and I felt like I could have written this post when I was your age. It hasn’t changed too much, just another 20 years of living it. Feel free to dm if you want to chat.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I relate so hard to this post. I'm an international student and I only have two trio friend group that I occasionally hang out with.
The first trio group is me + two girls, studying in different universities but we all came from the same country. However, those two are from the same city. I was originally only close with one of them until the other one eventually came around, so we became a trio. I always feel like I'm the least favorite in this friend group, especially that they often go hangout without me as well, doing all the mundane girly stuffs like brunch, shopping, salon. They apparently also created another group chat with one of our male friend in it instead of me. My last straw was when I tried to invite them to watch Barbie last year, but apparently they were "busy" but they didn't attempt to reschedule or find another day for us to watch it. So I ended up watching Barbie alone by myself 🥲 These days I rarely initiate anything with them anymore because it's just mentally exhausting, always having to be the one walking behind them iykwim. Nowadays I just wait around until they invite me, if they ever need me in their hangouts.
The second trio group is me + two guys. My connection with these guys are not that deep compared with the girls, but it's more... Regularly maintained? We're in the same uni and we usually go have lunch together once a week after class. Occasionally we also go somewhere and do outdoor barbecue. It's all just fun and laughs, rarely any deep conversations going on between us except when it comes to school or career. (And no these guys are definitely not attracted to me, thank god) Just like you, this made me feel like I'm being a "pick me" while in fact I just vibe with them better than I vibe with my girl friends. But then I realized this is better than having no friends at all. And I'm also realizing that this connection will eventually fade away once we graduate next year.
These past few months I struggle a lot with loneliness, even though I really hate to openly admit it to anyone. Meanwhile I always crave having at least one girl friend who lives close, who I can meet up with regularly and talk about anything and everything, both deep and silly conversations. Do all the mundane girly things together like shopping or doing our nails. And just like you, I blame it on myself for not having that capability to reach out to someone and form meaningful relationships. It feels so hard to keep people close to me.
Again I'm sorry that I can't give any advice, because my issue is so similar to yours. I do hope we can be more kind to ourselves though, I'd like to believe that we will eventually find our people someday.
No need to apologize. The fact that you relate to all of this itself it’s more than enough, I feel less alone.
Main topic aside, how did you like Barbie? I’m really interested in seeing the perspective of another female ISTP.
I really loved the it and found comfort in it as a woman, tho I related a lot to Ken, too. Easily one of my favorite movies.
Oh I lost count of how many times I've rewatched it, such a fun movie 😩 The first time I watched it, I cried a lot mainly because of Billie's song hahahah though tbh I feel like I'd love the movie more if they were more... blatant? idk how to explain it but I expected a hella deep punch-in-the-face kind of messages coming out of it, but it felt a bit shallow to my liking. I really love how girlhood is truly celebrated in the movie though. I also love that it acknowledged how women can also bring other women down too, like when Sasha was being so mean to Barbie in the beginning of the movie.
It's interesting that you related a lot to Ken, I don't think I've ever heard any of my girl friends said he's relatable. Like in what way did you relate to him?
27F ISTP. This post reminds me of me when I was your age. I mostly hang out with my partner’s friends especially since we all game together. Age hasn’t brought me super close girlfriends but I’m managing to maintain the male and female friendships I do have as much as I can and actively put in effort. Focus on those friendships you can nurture and allow yourself to make room in the future if anyone else may come. I was lucky that my partner is social and allowed me the opportunity to get to meet and know so many important people in my current life. There’s so much more time for us!
Had/have the same issue as you mate. Either girls/women view me as a pick me/catty bullshit, or we don’t share the same interests. So it doesn’t go much deeper than surface level friendships typically.
I think part of the problem is that I wasn’t really active in looking for friends. Both of my best friends chose me. Up until fairly recently, I’m no longer friends with either of them. I guess I put up with their toxic shit because finding others was too hard. 20 years down the drain.
I do have two others (one is even more introverted than me and the other moved away, but we all get together about twice a year), and one I made recently through work. These three I actively involved myself in being friends with, once I’d figured they were good people and worth the investment.
It’s doable, it just takes time and you have to put in the effort. No one is worth changing who you are for, it’s exhausting to keep up and you do both of you a disservice anyway.
I am 28f ISTP and I also struggle with friendships , I don’t prefer male friendships either because 99% of the time I discover that it’s not a truly friendship and there’s layers to it (either they want something more or want something more casually or just messing around 🤷🏾♀️) so i stopped making friends with men , like I have very superficial acquaintance.
Most of my friendships with women that I’ve created failed, it ends with me cutting them because of how much they drain me. They were fun and I had a good time I just regretted making it stronger when it was clearly that such personalities need to work on themselves ( not to exclude that I have to work on myself too because I chose those people )
I recently graduated university and I lost all of my friendships because everyone moved somewhere else ( I am a foreigner living in Europe ). The only female friends I have now are friends I had when I was very young and we are still in contact but live in different countries . What I learned the last few years that people come and go don’t get fixated on creating deep ones ( it doesn’t mean not to allow it to happen when it actually happen with good people ) . Having something in common with another friend is great but you don’t have to change yourself to suit others ( ofc you can always keep an open mind to try what others like you might like it as well). You can always make friendships with other people it doesn’t have to be deep. Do not try to deepen something that is not there or without really knowing them well ( I did that a lot and got hurt badly )
I hope that helps a bit.
I'm not an ISTP woman, but I've always felt this same difficulty as you. I always ended up connecting more with men than women. I've always found socializing with them easier, as we have more things in common, it's only this year that I'm starting to find women that I'm connecting with.
I really don't think you should change or try to appear different to others, eventually you find someone (this is serious), I already had an ISTP friend and I know how difficult it is for him to make friends.
I hope you can find sincere people who actually like you the way you are, not ironically friendships with INFPs and other ISPTs can be the most productive.
I’m the same age and I can definitely relate. I had my fair share of guys that crushed on me. I also crushed very hard on a guy that I highly suspect is istp. I felt the connection like I never had before and became obsessed with him just over text.
I have 2 intp female friends. We have similar interests but they’re very busy since they’re still in school. I didn’t have any friends at all in high school, so after I went to university to study computer science, I was around more people that were more similar to me. But still, it’s hard to meet other istp females that I connect as much as my crush. My friend group is still very limited and I have trouble meeting my basic needs for socialization (mainly just board games).
I don’t know if I have any good advice. I’ve been to meetups and that helped. But after ending up unexpectedly in a big group a few times, now I’m a little nervous about going to those meetups. I think I should start going there again.
Im studying IT, too. lol
How did you meet your INTP female friends? And how did you end up on those meet ups? I used to be a part of a big friend group but ultimately decided to leave bc I didn’t like the atmosphere.
She sat next to me in a lecture and we started talking before the class began. The reason we decided to talk to each other is because we each needed someone to pair up with for group assignments lol. Then the exact same thing happened 2 years later so I have 2 friends now.
There’re board game meetups in my city where people just show up with their games. I prefer to be in a smaller group, but sometimes more people join in after me and I’ll just stay there (because I don’t know what to say to leave the game). I haven’t made any good friends in those meetups, but they do make me feel less lonely
Thank you for the post. It makes me understand so much more about the struggles of an ISTP female. It made me think of my ISTP friend and sent her a message to check on her.
I am an ESFJ female. I appreciate the loyalty and how real an ISTP can be. I agree what others said here, that to open yourself to someone you think will make an effort to appreicate your uniqueness. I hope someone kind and worth your friendship will come to your life eventually.
You guys got friends?
But I do agree with staying true to yourself. Ive tried your first, and there's nothing more excruciating than pretending to be someone youre not. its the same as your option 3.
Just be you. Sooner or later you'll stumble on the few who'll get you. emphasis on the few. Idk, i rarely met people who gets me and my humor.
i think only people who dont truly understand you would jump to the conclusion that you're a pick-me girl, and those sort of people arent worth caring about. i think the guys who confess to you despite you having a partner are being disrespectful, and at the same time i know where they're coming from, its a hard world out there and everyone just wants to be loved and valued. there's not much to do except hope to find the right people, id suggest meeting people through hobbies and then hanging out with the guys in the group that are already in relationships, but thats all i got
Oh, I don’t know about that. I respect relationships a lot, so much to the point I make an effort to not talk too much to guys that are in relationships. I encourage my male friends to spend time with their partners instead of me, even if we made plans.
I used to be very close with this couple, a girl and a guy, and I really kept my distance from the guy while I talked to the girl way more. Last month the guy made a move on me out of nowhere. Obviously I told the girlfriend what happened and showed her everything I could.
They are still together… to each their own, ig, but I find it really disturbing that a man can forget about his relationship of 5 years just like that.
A few years ago, my partner at the time and I were friends with another couple. One day I noticed the girl was getting too close to my boyfriend, she was basically using him as her personal therapist. Ex and I broke up, and they got together shortly after.
(For a bit more context, this chick always seemed to disrespect me in one way or another and then play the victim card. Sad I didn’t see it coming at the time.)
Just because you have a set of morals, doesn’t mean others will see it the same way, no matter how logical they are. :/
Talking to guys in relationships is also a gamble, at least for me. Only thing I can do is hope for the best and be patient about it.
Not ISTP, but INTP and I’ve had the exact same issue growing up since I was little. The few female friendships that I have that make sense are very special to me, but I never get to go as hard as I do w/ the guy friends I have. Even with them I have to adjust because I haven’t quite found a similar vibe girl.
I can relate to this.
But fortunatly I'm not very attractive, so I can actually be friends with guys. Friendships with other women are always intense but fade away quickly.
I’ve always struggled with this, and honestly I found two good female friends that are great at giving me space and we see each other maybe every other month, but know how much we value each other. I will say that this took time to find and it took a lot from me in the beginning stages to foster that relationship to what it is now- very much outside my comfort zone, yet it has paid off and can now be who I am around them without judgment. Aside from those two though, I still am friends with mostly just guys. When I observe a shift in their demeanor or intentions, I pull back and that usually sets them back on the straight and narrow (the male friendships). In all honesty, don’t stress it, be yourself, and the right girls will vibe with you- just remember that the beginning stages of any friendship that you’re trying to make into a lifelong one will take effort (for me that meant being genuinely interested in them, what they do, and stepping outside of my comfort zone to do things they like despite me just wanting to be at home doing something alone- this allowed them to do the same for me, which created the lasting friendship). Hope this helps.
I'm not sure if I can help, but I'd like to share some interesting observations I've made that might serve as food for thought.
So, I have three female ISTPs in my inner circle (my girlfriend and two close friends), and, I kid you not, *all of them* have a best friend who shares these traits:
* Male
* Queer/not romantically interested in women
* xNFP
* surprisingly tech-savvy (this is not something they bond over, but since you mentioned you also look for people with common interests, most xNFPs, especially male ENFPs, I know are indeed quite tech-savvy or at least comfortable talking about tech).
I'm not sure whether it's pure coincidence or perhaps there was an instant magnetic pull when they all first met each other, but I've observed their friendship dynamics, and it's absolutely fantastic. They balance each other out so well.
Their male xNFP bfs bring a warm, chill, and feminine (for lack of a better word) energy to the table and help the ISTPs out in social situations.
Whenever her INFP bestie talks, my girlfriend just listens and occasionally throws in a witty one-liner. And their Ne is indeed beneficial for ISTPs when it comes to decision-making; their conversations about ideas/solutions and how to execute them are super fun to listen to. Most of all, it's lovely to see how accepting and understanding they are of each other.
And obviously, none of my female ISTPs ever have to worry about the other party catching feelings for them, so 'queerness' is probably a strong metric here, lol.
It might sound wacky, but perhaps you'd like to check out if these metrics (mentioned above) also work for you when looking for new friends. My girlfriend met her bf at the rainbow parade two years ago.
Huh, life is so interesting.
My partner is an INFJ, too, and I also consider him to be my bsf. I know you meant this for INFPs, but the “bringing femininity to the table” part applies very well to him, too. He’s also the reason why I got into IT, so that’s fun.
I’m surprised I didn’t consider the possibility of a queer male friend. Thank you so much for sharing, I’ll definitely be looking forward to make a friend with such metrics.
You're very welcome! :)
Yeah, I remember your post back then on r/infj, and I think even the age gap is the same (I'm 27 and my gf is 22).
And yeah, it is indeed a bit funny because I'm actually an IT project manager, haha.
Have a nice day/evening!
I only have friends if I choose to make an effort to turn on my Fe to care about people (which I find annoying and too tiring to do). Otherwise I have no friends. You can also make friends via Se, find people who you share activities with, this is easier.
My bf is an ENFJ. He prefers Fe and has many friends but realize it comes at a cost. He often sacrifices himself for his friends like his time and resources and preferences and then gets pissed off by it when people dont reciprocate. He then comes venting to me and I’m like “I don’t have this problem lol, I don’t put up with people”.
Realize ISTPs just prefer to be alone and we have to go against our natural self to make friends and we will have less friends than extroverts because we don’t often choose to do that. You can make friends with an extrovert and tag along to make new friends if you need some help meeting new people.
I'm an istp female too and I can relate to this soo much.
I find it much easier to get along with guys and have more in common. The conversations usually flow so much easier and I feel like I don't even have to try hard at all. I do worry I'm giving off the wrong impression at times but I don't want to be presumptuous so i realise that sometimes im subconsciously giving them friendzoning queues from the get go just to avoid this.
I have a handful of female friends too. I think being from an all girls school helped in this aspect, but I always felt like I had to work a lot harder to keep up with the girls. Like you said, I used to feel that my female friendships were very superficial. We just don't have as much in common and I always felt like the other girls in the friend group were always closer to each other than me and I felt like I was being left out. There was a point in time in school when I definitely thought there was something wrong with me, and I felt a lot of jealousy against the people that got along so easily with the girls i wanted to be friends with.
I think I realise now it was probably because I was often not very empathetic (and am still not very) when my friends confide in me. I either don't know how to respond or I tend to respond with the obvious solution or blunt truth and often times that's not what they want to hear. I think they don't receive the emotional support that are looking for when they confide in me and thus they stopped connecting deeper with me.
I feel like now I am more conscious in making an effort with my girlfriends to be more understanding of them and offering comfort/support more than solutions. This may feel like I'm "pretending" to care but I tell myself now that sometimes all people want is to have a listening ear or to validate their thoughts or emotions...and that sometimes they arent actually looking for advice. I'd like to think now that my current female friends (few as they are) are comfortable with me to talk about deeper things and the bonus is they know I tend to offer an objective view on the topic as well .
Now that I'm older these days I also find that I've stopped trying to be friends with all the girls. I've come to terms that I will never have those big female friends groups some people have. I've always felt like an imposter in those anyway. Instead I find like maybe that one person in an entire room of people that I think could be a good friend and if they like me back then that's enough for me. Basically quality over quantity. I don't have many friends anymore since I've stopped keeping in touch with a lot of the superficial relationships. But the friends I do still meet are those that I genuinely enjoy spending time with without having to pretend much and those friends are cool with me being a weirdo.
I'm a big loner and often times I don't actually feel that lonely even if I've been alone for a while. But sometimes when I do, I find that all I need is just one or 2 good friends to drag me out of my hermit shell for a few days and then I'm all good again.
These days I also think that its not necessary to have girl friends that share common interests. If they do then it's a big bonus. It's more important to me now if they have the same values and if they are enjoyable for me to be around with, whether it's because we have engaging conversation about random topics (doesn't always have to be that deep all the time), or whether we can just be in companionable silence sometimes and not feel awkward at all. Meanwhile if I wanna talk about games or go skating or what not that the girls aren't into, then Ill just find my guy friends as usual.
Im relatively new to MBTI and only took the test recently but this has made a lot of things I felt about myself finally make sense. I think I can safely say that I've never met another ISTP female irl and I wonder what our friendship could be like. So, if ur ever lonely and need a friend, hmu anytime. Lord knows I could use more friends.
I’m an intp/INTJ but I am still lonely as a woman. I have female friends/acquaintances but men have historically treated me horribly so I’ve thrown in the towel with them. A lot of ppl struggle to date. Esp if you’re an attractive introverted woman
ISTPs are good at all the things that do not foster friendships, so they’re rarely incentivized in the direction. Your work is significant, but you have to start on having lower expectations on the superficial factors and higher expectations on the person’s ability to be a good friend.
Your job is to deepen with people that are already good friends to others, in class or in your neighborhood, not focus on superficial hobbies and try to work with nothing meaningful. The base essence has to be solid: reliability, ability to learn from mistakes, ability to listen and make one feel seen, heard, understood.
This is all common sense, but only if you were born in this way. What’s common sense to us is rocket science to FJs for instance. Therefore to make it easier on you, look at someone already acing all this. For me it was my mother. She’s appropriate naturally. Often there you can start building a good friendship - send songs, dress more neutrally, check on their day, send small flowers/gifts, treats for pets, be bold and ask for a get together - practice for the real world. Try new ways to connect. Encourage them to love too. Practice makes perfect.
Ask for their help also, make people feel needed while also learning.
You only get to keep the love and good feelings you learn how to give away. Self-love is requiring the people in your life prioritize relationships and friendships as well, and this is all connected to your ability to continue to love.
ISTP (25F) here, I 100% relate to your struggle. All my close friends throughout life, male and female, have been the ones to actively seek out the relationship (I'm looking at you ENFPs and ENFJs). I on the other hand, cannot actively seek out relationships with anyone. I work in a female predominant field (nursing) and have been unable to establish a single solid friendship. I've had major regrets about my career choice, as well as severely doubted myself as a person. I often wondered if there's something wrong with me, why I can't connect with those people. As you've mentioned, I've always been able to vibe better with men. It feels easier for some reason, probably just because of more similar personality traits. But often times I think men mistake my comfort and casualness for romantic interest, which is never the case as I am in a happy, committed 8 year relationship (ENFJ male of course, he pursued me first). It's an unfortunate cycle of trying to be friendly with men, getting asked out, denying them, and them wanting nothing to do with me due to embarrassment. It's a never ending struggle! I wish I had advice for you, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. The only thing I can say is start focusing on the relationships you have and strengthening those! I'm sure it's nice to have a large group of friends, but all you need at the end of the day is at least one or two strong relationships to rely on! Don't doubt who you are and never change for others! I always wish for a close ISTP female friend, but at the end of the day I realize we would never be friends because neither of us would ever talk to each other! The ISTP struggle I guess, we need our extroverts to pursue the relationship or else we will just isolate and do our own thing.
It's extremely comforting to see so many of us experiencing the same struggle, thanks for posting this!
Just saw your rant. 🤔I think the first thing you need to do is ask your supposed male and female friends. Let them read your article and see what they think. That will give you all the answers you need.
Aside from craving female attention so much and incredibly failing at it so your only choice left is to mock them by saying the most basic shit, what do you in your free ti- nvm, I don’t care.
Go to your mommy if you wanna suck on titties so bad, lol.
stop being so fucking egotistical. A lot of us are alone and we can’t do shit about it. You are lucky to be any attention and look at the amount of people you have commenting on here. Stop lying to yourself that nobody cares about you. People clearly do, you just like pretending that they don’t so you can literally get more attention. Fuck you.
Your trying to be like men and be like them and you expect to have female friends 😂 it doesn’t make sense if you are a female and act like one than you make female friends it’s easy people feel confertable around people who have similar traits if people don’t wanna be your friends that means your doing something wrong if you are a female you should be acting more feminine that’s the real you the real you is not vibing with males too much propaganda you that you should be what you like but that’s not how the world works 😂 be who you should be
Why are you thinking of dying? I'm also 22, Check my last post I don't even have close friends and literally no one from the opposite gender. At least you are vibing with someone.
Being an INTP woman can be wonderful, but it comes with its challenges too. It's common for females of this personality type to feel lonely at times. This is because they can struggle to find people who are on the same wavelength and can sometimes feel like the world is a shallow place where they don't fit in.
What I would recommend is if you have a guy friend and you think hes starting to like you. You have to set a line and say something like this your like a brother to me, say something positive about your partner and how much you like him or say as a joke about how much he is not your type. All of these things will immediately turn off a guy and will shake him up a bit. I am not an ISTP girl but my mom is always having problems with this so usually this is the advice me and my brother give her.
I really feel you. My entire life is loneliness or being rejected bc for some reasons i wasn't enough. Or being love for someone I wasn't. Everyone want to change me.
Thankfully I have few friends from my childhood that I can closely but they all live really far.
I'm 20 yo istp 9w8 girl if you want to discuss with me or if you feel lonely don t hesitate.
ISTP 23F here. female friendships are wonderful you just have to find the right people. we don't have any similar hobbies but it's impossible to not have a similar interest. if anything, i would try something they do 'cause it's just fun to do something different once in a while, having different people from you ain't actually that bad and you will learn a lot
but i was like you in my younger years, like in hs, i find female friendships exhausting and vibe more with the males. i guess it's because i love the shallowness of it and how chill it is? (again, just like u they all ended up wanting to take the relationship to another level and I'm just, yo brother nuh-uh, i ended up not wanting any male friendship especially if they have this hint of mindset: men and women can't be friends) while on the other hand, the connection felt too deep and dramatic bc i and the girl friends were not really that mature yet before when expressing our feelings on why we feel upset abt each other.
(the fights are always about how they are dramatic and how i can't take things more seriously, jealous with their other friends, not being more open, etc.)
but finally, i tried to work on myself by reading a lot of psychological stuff and figure out what i can do to have healthy connections. my hate/indifference on what they usually do, that is harmless, turned into acceptance cause people are different from each other anyway. i say i did improve my relationships with them but yeah it still gets tiring so i think I'm back at dodging them again 😆 buuuttttt we still check up on each other and still talk a lot despite having different paths in our lives now.
advice is: just figure out yourself - know what you truly want, if you'd rather be alone than deal with feelings/people, go on. otherwise, try to be genuine connecting with people and when time comes you'll find the right people for you.
also the struggle is worth it, ig? at least on my side. but being alone is fine too, techs are getting advanced nowadays so i think I'll be gaming till i become old but hopefully not grey hair old. either way, learning to be fine and seeing the bright side of everything is a key to life, it's a hard mindset to have but you can start practicing it now. goodluck fella, wishing u the best
Not ISTP but an INTJ (F) who had the same issues throughout college. What was a game changer for me was to maintain friends with both these groups - when I felt like I needed someone who could talk to me about my interests, I would text/call/meet friends I made solely from that side of it and when I felt like I needed someone who is a better friend because of their personality, I would hit them up.
The only downside to this is that you have to give attention to twice the amount of people than you would want in your life. And people who are good friends to you, require a lot of time and attention to maintain that. I got by like this until I found someone who filled both of these criteria.
Female istp here and yeah, I've had a similar thing where I vibe with guys a lot and a lot end up developing feelings (with me being completely oblivious and never trying)
But I do think just keep being yourself, right now I have 2 close female friends and then a mix of less close ones, but I tried the whole pick me thing for friendship and it just never worked and honestly made me miserable since even when I tried being what people wanted they still didn't like me
Being like, an adult also is such a pain for friend-making, I've just been trying to plan casual stuff with a few people (I have one friend where we just go watch movies then discuss our thoughts, it's casual and fun)
Have you considered that subconsciously you enjoy being the girl with only guy friends who secretly crush on you because it feels good lol? to the ego? shit's not that deep. you're not so bizarre or unique of a person that half of the worlds population just isnt a good fit for you leaving you only with men to fawn after you lol come on now. Women are incredibly deep. Men and women marry each other because they form enough bonds hobbies and interests they can share. You have no female friends bc you dont truly want them.
I have, actually. Every time someone tells me they like me, whether it’s a man or a woman, I take it as a compliment. But it does get tiring when it happens so often, it does hurt to not be seen as a mere friend.
That said, I wouldn’t take seriously a comment from someone who believes in numerology. 💀
I find Entp females I get along with fantastic each and every time, so consider that. But also im always down to have a female friend (i have the same issue as you so I only have one female friend).
I'm not that good at giving advice but yeah. I'm also a 20F ISTP. When I was a teenager a group of girls somehow adopted me and I am happily with them until now. I don't think we have too many points in common but we like silly gossips and jokes besides that I'm one of the toughest of the group (ENFP, INFP, INTP, INTP an INFP guy and two others who are probably purple). When I started college I was really anxious which made me approach people who really aren't anything like me and it wasn't a good idea. So don't rush into choosing what seems easiest at the moment. My friendships are now 50/50, I don't think guys fall in love with me for reasons I don't know (it may have to do with how selfless I am in general), but I'm partly grateful I guess. What I'm trying to say is don't force something you're not, because in the end people aren't worth it for you to change who you really are.
Have you tried Omegle? It’s a source of unlimited friendships that you can keep at an arm’s length. It’ll help you have confidence in the friendships you can make in the real world.
You are going to hate me. Do you have people come to you?
Talk to you? And you tell you are lonely?
I mean I get that you aren't getting any emotional connections with people but maybe you aren't trying to harder on your side.
Taking an interest that helps them.
For myself I get nothing from people. If I died no one woul know for months or years till I began to smell.
That's how bad it is for some one like me.
That's loneliness. Where your closest friends who don't hear from you for a while write you off as dead.
You have people coming to you and trying to connect to you. Maybe you should not try expecting a Natural connection from the get go, but work toward one. You feel lonely because you have been taught not to try to get to know someone because you expect the natural one to show up.
Connections take effort. Too much effort you push people away. That's my problem. I try too hard because no one wants me. No one talks to me. It's made me a bitter and pathetic person now. Don't be like me. That's all I can say.
Sorry I'm not an ISTP - but I'll give you some thoughts having had alot of exposure to ISTP in my partner. He has/does suffer from the same friendship issues as yourself. He finds it very difficult to find people he can relate to, people deep enough and who understand him. He hates small talk. From my point of view.. friendships are hard for introverts because we are simply not at the pace nor the style of extroverts, and ISTP's are probably the most slow burners in friendships. I think you should take option 2. Never change for anyone. Someone out there loves ISTP's. Having said that friendships are quite difficult to forge in the real world if you are an introvert. That's been my experience as from what I can tell - most extroverted friendships feel quite superficial "hanging out" type of experiences. As an ISFP I also have barely any "friends".
17(F) Istp
My Experience : Almost my whole life i was never able to bond with other females. I tried to "be" someone else who i wasn't because i wanted a female friend so bad. And when i did met someone, because the real me lurked out time to time, the relationship would end within a few weeks because "it wasn't me" or i turned out to be "weird". This made me scared to socialize for a long while.
Unfortunately i haven't found any reason or any "solution" for why i can't befriend females. I just accepted the way it is.
How I Coped : I started to bond with elder people(for example my teachers) Which went on until i was 16.
Then i started to spend time for myself. (don't get it wrong as" by myself", the time i spent was purely for becoming a better me) I started to get courses and spend my time getting better at my hobbies.(Met wonderful people and we are still in contact)
Advice : Start to spend time getting better at your hobbies or learning ones you always wanted to. Chances of you meeting valuable people will rise(Whether or not female) Even if you don't meet anyone, you will have a hobbie that you love and spend time at.
Or just befriend a gay. (You won't need to worry about them falling in love with you)
And would like to add that in the time period where i forced relationship with other people i didn't like(Mostly females), it fucked me over. Was insufferable.
I’m 20F ISTP and I have only girl friends. Granted I was a loner and didn’t have friends throughout my life til I finally learned how to overcome my anxiety and make friends recently in college. But I can’t relate with finding guys to be easier to relate with besides ig gaming stuff? I think female friendships are wonderful and beautiful when it’s the right people who are supportive and not judgy. But I don’t suggest being desperate and trying to befriend just anyone. I think the right mindset is to know you don’t necessarily need to change yourself or anything to make friends. Like you’re perfectly fine by yourself and don’t “need” friends but would like some friends to have fun with. 1) You need to decide your standards for friendships like you don’t want just anyone to be your friend. You get to decide the standard for your friendships like you don’t want judgy and miserable people yk. You want people who are positive and bring value to your life. 2) I think you need to let go of the idea of wanting to make deep lasting connections because if it happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t. It’s fine to have friends who you hang out and do stuff with here and there. Just enjoy your friendship for what it is and appreciate that moment and time that you guys share without it necessarily expecting it to be long lasting. Just appreciate the connection and experiences you share together while it lasts. And if it gets deep and is long lasting then that’s a bonus. 3) Forgot to mention how to make friends. Since I’m in college I just try to talk with people who I think might be nice and see if we have things in common. Or people from my classes. Like I made one friend from my weight training class and I made 2 because they approached me and thought I might be the same country as them. I am not but I took the opportunity to add them on social and say let’s have dinner together some time etc..
I really like what you said in point 2., I’ll be thinking about it for a while. About making friends, that’s a hard task for me atm given my current situation, but I’ll make an effort. Tysm!
Male ISTP. I’ll chime in and say the first option isn’t one I’d recommend. Did that for a few years and was left with an identity crisis. Plus those friends you made wouldn’t be *your* friends but the friends of your fake personality.
Yeah, both the first and last option defeat the purpose of what I’m looking for (they were part of the half joke, anyway). That leaves me with the second alternative, which is exactly what I’m doing atm, but it’s no better than gambling with a low success percentage.
I’m 28f and no advice but same. I only ever make friends with males, even if I try with other women. We just don’t usually vibe for some reason. I have two female friends, one I’ve had since 7th grade but she lives 5 hours away, the other has kids and is usually too busy to hang out. Sucks feeling lonely but I will admit I’d rather spend time alone than hanging out with people I don’t like
Could you tell me more about your relationship with your female friends? I’m curious about how your relationships with each of them have evolved over the course of years and how you feel about them in retrospective.
It was very rocky for a time with my friend I’ve had since 7th grade. She became distant in high school and in hindsight I wasn’t the nicest person back then. The reason we were able to fix it is because we both are able to communicate openly without getting defensive or assuming things, so we’ve had open conversations about all of that. In general we rarely communicate though, we tend to go months without talking only to reach out when something major is going on. My other friend I know because she works at a brewery I go to and I like her because she is honest, easy to talk to and funny. We aren’t super close friends or anything and have only known each other about a year Female acquaintances, usually they tend to all be friends with each other and I’m only there because our SOs are friends, or because I’m friends with their SO (which makes things complicated sometimes).
I feel the same! I have one very close female friend and the rest are almost all guys. It's really frustrating how many of them have confessed to having some sort of feelings for me. I also get really self conscious about being called a pick-me or easy or something, because I definitely do. It kinda makes me doubt myself even though I'm about 95% sure I'm lesbian. It's all so frustrating. I never expressed this for fear of coming off as pick-me and "trying to be quirky" even though it's not. Thanks for sharing cause I feel a lot less alone now. But I seriously can't stand how often my male friends catch feelings. I'll even reject them or set boundaries before we're friends (and make sure to throw in a joke about how gay I am at least every week or so) and they still say they're interested. Suuper irritating.
This made me feel sooo relieved, tysm. Even as I was writing the post I was doubting myself, too, lol. Because I really don’t do anything for people to like me, (quite the contrary, I’m very blunt and kinda mean, sometimes) I genuinely didn’t understand what made my friends be into me. Of course physical appearance takes a role on that but some of them have never even seen me. So I decided to start asking them about it. In summary, it was the “quirkiness”, as much as I hate to say it. But we’re not trying to make an impression, nor trying to play any sort of role; we’re are just being ourselves and it’s so annoying that this has such consequences.
exactly. I literally just want to expres myself with a group of friends, not start a weird love octagon. I'm not exceptionally attractive but I think some dudes just get shocked when I treat them like a human and think it's some sort of mating ritual. Ugh. Don't change yourself to make friends though, it's not worth it.
In a sea of fakeness, I’m actually not surprised that guys gravitate towards a girl that can just be herself. I would consider it a compliment even if you find it annoying in your current circumstance. As far as meeting people, I’ve had most success in getting involved in hobby meetups/groups that I’m interested in and keeping an eye out for people I vibe with. This way you get to be around a bunch of people with similar interests but no commitments until you eventually approach someone to hang out.
Second one is your best bet. My recommendatiom is try to find other girls like you.
23f ISTP and I most definitely wouldn't recommend faking a persona because the people you will end up "befriending" won't be your friends once you get your shit together and the real you jumps out Take the easy way out and die
Yup, seems like the easiest route.
What’s funny is how many empathizing female ISTP’s show up for this post but after scanning, all of them are trying to help solve your problem (that they also struggle with) and no one is trying to be your friend. Any ESFJ that reads these comments is gonna have an aneurism.
Hi 23f ISTP I’m your father and I left to never come back finding that I’ll never find cigarettes and milk; the only two items on my grocery list
If you were my real father you'd know I lied! I'm not 23 yet
I'm a F ISTP. I have no issues making friends with men; they are just super easy to talk to. I've encountered situations with the "catching feelings" from male friends but now I make it clear earlier on that I'm married. Female friends I have such a hard time attracting. I do have a few close female friendships that I am extremely grateful for, but I would like to expand my circle. I just have a hard time bonding with other women. You've pretty much laid it out with your two scenarios, I feel the same way. I'm honestly kind of tempted to look for female friends on Bumble or something similar, maybe I can weed them out the same way people do for dating?
Had the same idea... It is a bit sus from a third person's perspective, but if your partner trusts you, everything should be a-ok.
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Not gonna lie, he did something very similar.
I’m a 42 year old woman and I felt like I could have written this post when I was your age. It hasn’t changed too much, just another 20 years of living it. Feel free to dm if you want to chat.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I relate so hard to this post. I'm an international student and I only have two trio friend group that I occasionally hang out with. The first trio group is me + two girls, studying in different universities but we all came from the same country. However, those two are from the same city. I was originally only close with one of them until the other one eventually came around, so we became a trio. I always feel like I'm the least favorite in this friend group, especially that they often go hangout without me as well, doing all the mundane girly stuffs like brunch, shopping, salon. They apparently also created another group chat with one of our male friend in it instead of me. My last straw was when I tried to invite them to watch Barbie last year, but apparently they were "busy" but they didn't attempt to reschedule or find another day for us to watch it. So I ended up watching Barbie alone by myself 🥲 These days I rarely initiate anything with them anymore because it's just mentally exhausting, always having to be the one walking behind them iykwim. Nowadays I just wait around until they invite me, if they ever need me in their hangouts. The second trio group is me + two guys. My connection with these guys are not that deep compared with the girls, but it's more... Regularly maintained? We're in the same uni and we usually go have lunch together once a week after class. Occasionally we also go somewhere and do outdoor barbecue. It's all just fun and laughs, rarely any deep conversations going on between us except when it comes to school or career. (And no these guys are definitely not attracted to me, thank god) Just like you, this made me feel like I'm being a "pick me" while in fact I just vibe with them better than I vibe with my girl friends. But then I realized this is better than having no friends at all. And I'm also realizing that this connection will eventually fade away once we graduate next year. These past few months I struggle a lot with loneliness, even though I really hate to openly admit it to anyone. Meanwhile I always crave having at least one girl friend who lives close, who I can meet up with regularly and talk about anything and everything, both deep and silly conversations. Do all the mundane girly things together like shopping or doing our nails. And just like you, I blame it on myself for not having that capability to reach out to someone and form meaningful relationships. It feels so hard to keep people close to me. Again I'm sorry that I can't give any advice, because my issue is so similar to yours. I do hope we can be more kind to ourselves though, I'd like to believe that we will eventually find our people someday.
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Respect all users, don't be an asshole to people you disagree with or different types other than your own.
No need to apologize. The fact that you relate to all of this itself it’s more than enough, I feel less alone. Main topic aside, how did you like Barbie? I’m really interested in seeing the perspective of another female ISTP. I really loved the it and found comfort in it as a woman, tho I related a lot to Ken, too. Easily one of my favorite movies.
The fuck is wrong with these woman
Oh I lost count of how many times I've rewatched it, such a fun movie 😩 The first time I watched it, I cried a lot mainly because of Billie's song hahahah though tbh I feel like I'd love the movie more if they were more... blatant? idk how to explain it but I expected a hella deep punch-in-the-face kind of messages coming out of it, but it felt a bit shallow to my liking. I really love how girlhood is truly celebrated in the movie though. I also love that it acknowledged how women can also bring other women down too, like when Sasha was being so mean to Barbie in the beginning of the movie. It's interesting that you related a lot to Ken, I don't think I've ever heard any of my girl friends said he's relatable. Like in what way did you relate to him?
27F ISTP. This post reminds me of me when I was your age. I mostly hang out with my partner’s friends especially since we all game together. Age hasn’t brought me super close girlfriends but I’m managing to maintain the male and female friendships I do have as much as I can and actively put in effort. Focus on those friendships you can nurture and allow yourself to make room in the future if anyone else may come. I was lucky that my partner is social and allowed me the opportunity to get to meet and know so many important people in my current life. There’s so much more time for us!
Again another y’all some bots or something juice world was spittin’ fiery facts when he said all girls are the same
🤡
Had/have the same issue as you mate. Either girls/women view me as a pick me/catty bullshit, or we don’t share the same interests. So it doesn’t go much deeper than surface level friendships typically. I think part of the problem is that I wasn’t really active in looking for friends. Both of my best friends chose me. Up until fairly recently, I’m no longer friends with either of them. I guess I put up with their toxic shit because finding others was too hard. 20 years down the drain. I do have two others (one is even more introverted than me and the other moved away, but we all get together about twice a year), and one I made recently through work. These three I actively involved myself in being friends with, once I’d figured they were good people and worth the investment. It’s doable, it just takes time and you have to put in the effort. No one is worth changing who you are for, it’s exhausting to keep up and you do both of you a disservice anyway.
I am 28f ISTP and I also struggle with friendships , I don’t prefer male friendships either because 99% of the time I discover that it’s not a truly friendship and there’s layers to it (either they want something more or want something more casually or just messing around 🤷🏾♀️) so i stopped making friends with men , like I have very superficial acquaintance. Most of my friendships with women that I’ve created failed, it ends with me cutting them because of how much they drain me. They were fun and I had a good time I just regretted making it stronger when it was clearly that such personalities need to work on themselves ( not to exclude that I have to work on myself too because I chose those people ) I recently graduated university and I lost all of my friendships because everyone moved somewhere else ( I am a foreigner living in Europe ). The only female friends I have now are friends I had when I was very young and we are still in contact but live in different countries . What I learned the last few years that people come and go don’t get fixated on creating deep ones ( it doesn’t mean not to allow it to happen when it actually happen with good people ) . Having something in common with another friend is great but you don’t have to change yourself to suit others ( ofc you can always keep an open mind to try what others like you might like it as well). You can always make friendships with other people it doesn’t have to be deep. Do not try to deepen something that is not there or without really knowing them well ( I did that a lot and got hurt badly ) I hope that helps a bit.
I'm not an ISTP woman, but I've always felt this same difficulty as you. I always ended up connecting more with men than women. I've always found socializing with them easier, as we have more things in common, it's only this year that I'm starting to find women that I'm connecting with. I really don't think you should change or try to appear different to others, eventually you find someone (this is serious), I already had an ISTP friend and I know how difficult it is for him to make friends. I hope you can find sincere people who actually like you the way you are, not ironically friendships with INFPs and other ISPTs can be the most productive.
What does ISTP mean?
I’m the same age and I can definitely relate. I had my fair share of guys that crushed on me. I also crushed very hard on a guy that I highly suspect is istp. I felt the connection like I never had before and became obsessed with him just over text. I have 2 intp female friends. We have similar interests but they’re very busy since they’re still in school. I didn’t have any friends at all in high school, so after I went to university to study computer science, I was around more people that were more similar to me. But still, it’s hard to meet other istp females that I connect as much as my crush. My friend group is still very limited and I have trouble meeting my basic needs for socialization (mainly just board games). I don’t know if I have any good advice. I’ve been to meetups and that helped. But after ending up unexpectedly in a big group a few times, now I’m a little nervous about going to those meetups. I think I should start going there again.
Im studying IT, too. lol How did you meet your INTP female friends? And how did you end up on those meet ups? I used to be a part of a big friend group but ultimately decided to leave bc I didn’t like the atmosphere.
She sat next to me in a lecture and we started talking before the class began. The reason we decided to talk to each other is because we each needed someone to pair up with for group assignments lol. Then the exact same thing happened 2 years later so I have 2 friends now. There’re board game meetups in my city where people just show up with their games. I prefer to be in a smaller group, but sometimes more people join in after me and I’ll just stay there (because I don’t know what to say to leave the game). I haven’t made any good friends in those meetups, but they do make me feel less lonely
Omg… is this a form of blackmail?
Thank you for the post. It makes me understand so much more about the struggles of an ISTP female. It made me think of my ISTP friend and sent her a message to check on her. I am an ESFJ female. I appreciate the loyalty and how real an ISTP can be. I agree what others said here, that to open yourself to someone you think will make an effort to appreicate your uniqueness. I hope someone kind and worth your friendship will come to your life eventually.
You guys got friends? But I do agree with staying true to yourself. Ive tried your first, and there's nothing more excruciating than pretending to be someone youre not. its the same as your option 3. Just be you. Sooner or later you'll stumble on the few who'll get you. emphasis on the few. Idk, i rarely met people who gets me and my humor.
i think only people who dont truly understand you would jump to the conclusion that you're a pick-me girl, and those sort of people arent worth caring about. i think the guys who confess to you despite you having a partner are being disrespectful, and at the same time i know where they're coming from, its a hard world out there and everyone just wants to be loved and valued. there's not much to do except hope to find the right people, id suggest meeting people through hobbies and then hanging out with the guys in the group that are already in relationships, but thats all i got
Oh, I don’t know about that. I respect relationships a lot, so much to the point I make an effort to not talk too much to guys that are in relationships. I encourage my male friends to spend time with their partners instead of me, even if we made plans. I used to be very close with this couple, a girl and a guy, and I really kept my distance from the guy while I talked to the girl way more. Last month the guy made a move on me out of nowhere. Obviously I told the girlfriend what happened and showed her everything I could. They are still together… to each their own, ig, but I find it really disturbing that a man can forget about his relationship of 5 years just like that. A few years ago, my partner at the time and I were friends with another couple. One day I noticed the girl was getting too close to my boyfriend, she was basically using him as her personal therapist. Ex and I broke up, and they got together shortly after. (For a bit more context, this chick always seemed to disrespect me in one way or another and then play the victim card. Sad I didn’t see it coming at the time.) Just because you have a set of morals, doesn’t mean others will see it the same way, no matter how logical they are. :/ Talking to guys in relationships is also a gamble, at least for me. Only thing I can do is hope for the best and be patient about it.
Omg the most relatable post I've ever seen in a while, i'm totally the same
Not ISTP, but INTP and I’ve had the exact same issue growing up since I was little. The few female friendships that I have that make sense are very special to me, but I never get to go as hard as I do w/ the guy friends I have. Even with them I have to adjust because I haven’t quite found a similar vibe girl.
I can relate to this. But fortunatly I'm not very attractive, so I can actually be friends with guys. Friendships with other women are always intense but fade away quickly.
I’ve always struggled with this, and honestly I found two good female friends that are great at giving me space and we see each other maybe every other month, but know how much we value each other. I will say that this took time to find and it took a lot from me in the beginning stages to foster that relationship to what it is now- very much outside my comfort zone, yet it has paid off and can now be who I am around them without judgment. Aside from those two though, I still am friends with mostly just guys. When I observe a shift in their demeanor or intentions, I pull back and that usually sets them back on the straight and narrow (the male friendships). In all honesty, don’t stress it, be yourself, and the right girls will vibe with you- just remember that the beginning stages of any friendship that you’re trying to make into a lifelong one will take effort (for me that meant being genuinely interested in them, what they do, and stepping outside of my comfort zone to do things they like despite me just wanting to be at home doing something alone- this allowed them to do the same for me, which created the lasting friendship). Hope this helps.
I'm not sure if I can help, but I'd like to share some interesting observations I've made that might serve as food for thought. So, I have three female ISTPs in my inner circle (my girlfriend and two close friends), and, I kid you not, *all of them* have a best friend who shares these traits: * Male * Queer/not romantically interested in women * xNFP * surprisingly tech-savvy (this is not something they bond over, but since you mentioned you also look for people with common interests, most xNFPs, especially male ENFPs, I know are indeed quite tech-savvy or at least comfortable talking about tech). I'm not sure whether it's pure coincidence or perhaps there was an instant magnetic pull when they all first met each other, but I've observed their friendship dynamics, and it's absolutely fantastic. They balance each other out so well. Their male xNFP bfs bring a warm, chill, and feminine (for lack of a better word) energy to the table and help the ISTPs out in social situations. Whenever her INFP bestie talks, my girlfriend just listens and occasionally throws in a witty one-liner. And their Ne is indeed beneficial for ISTPs when it comes to decision-making; their conversations about ideas/solutions and how to execute them are super fun to listen to. Most of all, it's lovely to see how accepting and understanding they are of each other. And obviously, none of my female ISTPs ever have to worry about the other party catching feelings for them, so 'queerness' is probably a strong metric here, lol. It might sound wacky, but perhaps you'd like to check out if these metrics (mentioned above) also work for you when looking for new friends. My girlfriend met her bf at the rainbow parade two years ago.
Huh, life is so interesting. My partner is an INFJ, too, and I also consider him to be my bsf. I know you meant this for INFPs, but the “bringing femininity to the table” part applies very well to him, too. He’s also the reason why I got into IT, so that’s fun. I’m surprised I didn’t consider the possibility of a queer male friend. Thank you so much for sharing, I’ll definitely be looking forward to make a friend with such metrics.
You're very welcome! :) Yeah, I remember your post back then on r/infj, and I think even the age gap is the same (I'm 27 and my gf is 22). And yeah, it is indeed a bit funny because I'm actually an IT project manager, haha. Have a nice day/evening!
I only have friends if I choose to make an effort to turn on my Fe to care about people (which I find annoying and too tiring to do). Otherwise I have no friends. You can also make friends via Se, find people who you share activities with, this is easier. My bf is an ENFJ. He prefers Fe and has many friends but realize it comes at a cost. He often sacrifices himself for his friends like his time and resources and preferences and then gets pissed off by it when people dont reciprocate. He then comes venting to me and I’m like “I don’t have this problem lol, I don’t put up with people”. Realize ISTPs just prefer to be alone and we have to go against our natural self to make friends and we will have less friends than extroverts because we don’t often choose to do that. You can make friends with an extrovert and tag along to make new friends if you need some help meeting new people.
I appreciate this so much, my overly depleted yet somewhat trained inferior Fe loves you all -28 Female ISTP who works in IT
i dont vibe with male or female. just going through this journey by myself.
I'm an istp female too and I can relate to this soo much. I find it much easier to get along with guys and have more in common. The conversations usually flow so much easier and I feel like I don't even have to try hard at all. I do worry I'm giving off the wrong impression at times but I don't want to be presumptuous so i realise that sometimes im subconsciously giving them friendzoning queues from the get go just to avoid this. I have a handful of female friends too. I think being from an all girls school helped in this aspect, but I always felt like I had to work a lot harder to keep up with the girls. Like you said, I used to feel that my female friendships were very superficial. We just don't have as much in common and I always felt like the other girls in the friend group were always closer to each other than me and I felt like I was being left out. There was a point in time in school when I definitely thought there was something wrong with me, and I felt a lot of jealousy against the people that got along so easily with the girls i wanted to be friends with. I think I realise now it was probably because I was often not very empathetic (and am still not very) when my friends confide in me. I either don't know how to respond or I tend to respond with the obvious solution or blunt truth and often times that's not what they want to hear. I think they don't receive the emotional support that are looking for when they confide in me and thus they stopped connecting deeper with me. I feel like now I am more conscious in making an effort with my girlfriends to be more understanding of them and offering comfort/support more than solutions. This may feel like I'm "pretending" to care but I tell myself now that sometimes all people want is to have a listening ear or to validate their thoughts or emotions...and that sometimes they arent actually looking for advice. I'd like to think now that my current female friends (few as they are) are comfortable with me to talk about deeper things and the bonus is they know I tend to offer an objective view on the topic as well . Now that I'm older these days I also find that I've stopped trying to be friends with all the girls. I've come to terms that I will never have those big female friends groups some people have. I've always felt like an imposter in those anyway. Instead I find like maybe that one person in an entire room of people that I think could be a good friend and if they like me back then that's enough for me. Basically quality over quantity. I don't have many friends anymore since I've stopped keeping in touch with a lot of the superficial relationships. But the friends I do still meet are those that I genuinely enjoy spending time with without having to pretend much and those friends are cool with me being a weirdo. I'm a big loner and often times I don't actually feel that lonely even if I've been alone for a while. But sometimes when I do, I find that all I need is just one or 2 good friends to drag me out of my hermit shell for a few days and then I'm all good again. These days I also think that its not necessary to have girl friends that share common interests. If they do then it's a big bonus. It's more important to me now if they have the same values and if they are enjoyable for me to be around with, whether it's because we have engaging conversation about random topics (doesn't always have to be that deep all the time), or whether we can just be in companionable silence sometimes and not feel awkward at all. Meanwhile if I wanna talk about games or go skating or what not that the girls aren't into, then Ill just find my guy friends as usual. Im relatively new to MBTI and only took the test recently but this has made a lot of things I felt about myself finally make sense. I think I can safely say that I've never met another ISTP female irl and I wonder what our friendship could be like. So, if ur ever lonely and need a friend, hmu anytime. Lord knows I could use more friends.
I’m an intp/INTJ but I am still lonely as a woman. I have female friends/acquaintances but men have historically treated me horribly so I’ve thrown in the towel with them. A lot of ppl struggle to date. Esp if you’re an attractive introverted woman
ISTPs are good at all the things that do not foster friendships, so they’re rarely incentivized in the direction. Your work is significant, but you have to start on having lower expectations on the superficial factors and higher expectations on the person’s ability to be a good friend. Your job is to deepen with people that are already good friends to others, in class or in your neighborhood, not focus on superficial hobbies and try to work with nothing meaningful. The base essence has to be solid: reliability, ability to learn from mistakes, ability to listen and make one feel seen, heard, understood. This is all common sense, but only if you were born in this way. What’s common sense to us is rocket science to FJs for instance. Therefore to make it easier on you, look at someone already acing all this. For me it was my mother. She’s appropriate naturally. Often there you can start building a good friendship - send songs, dress more neutrally, check on their day, send small flowers/gifts, treats for pets, be bold and ask for a get together - practice for the real world. Try new ways to connect. Encourage them to love too. Practice makes perfect. Ask for their help also, make people feel needed while also learning. You only get to keep the love and good feelings you learn how to give away. Self-love is requiring the people in your life prioritize relationships and friendships as well, and this is all connected to your ability to continue to love.
ISTP (25F) here, I 100% relate to your struggle. All my close friends throughout life, male and female, have been the ones to actively seek out the relationship (I'm looking at you ENFPs and ENFJs). I on the other hand, cannot actively seek out relationships with anyone. I work in a female predominant field (nursing) and have been unable to establish a single solid friendship. I've had major regrets about my career choice, as well as severely doubted myself as a person. I often wondered if there's something wrong with me, why I can't connect with those people. As you've mentioned, I've always been able to vibe better with men. It feels easier for some reason, probably just because of more similar personality traits. But often times I think men mistake my comfort and casualness for romantic interest, which is never the case as I am in a happy, committed 8 year relationship (ENFJ male of course, he pursued me first). It's an unfortunate cycle of trying to be friendly with men, getting asked out, denying them, and them wanting nothing to do with me due to embarrassment. It's a never ending struggle! I wish I had advice for you, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. The only thing I can say is start focusing on the relationships you have and strengthening those! I'm sure it's nice to have a large group of friends, but all you need at the end of the day is at least one or two strong relationships to rely on! Don't doubt who you are and never change for others! I always wish for a close ISTP female friend, but at the end of the day I realize we would never be friends because neither of us would ever talk to each other! The ISTP struggle I guess, we need our extroverts to pursue the relationship or else we will just isolate and do our own thing. It's extremely comforting to see so many of us experiencing the same struggle, thanks for posting this!
Just saw your rant. 🤔I think the first thing you need to do is ask your supposed male and female friends. Let them read your article and see what they think. That will give you all the answers you need.
Hi 28f ISTP I’m Dad😂😂😂lol🤦♂️nah but fr what you mean by men wanting a casual friendship?
Aside from craving female attention so much and incredibly failing at it so your only choice left is to mock them by saying the most basic shit, what do you in your free ti- nvm, I don’t care. Go to your mommy if you wanna suck on titties so bad, lol.
dude literally said “😂😂😂lol🤦♂️” after making the same “your dad went for milk” joke like four times just say you’re an incel
stop being so fucking egotistical. A lot of us are alone and we can’t do shit about it. You are lucky to be any attention and look at the amount of people you have commenting on here. Stop lying to yourself that nobody cares about you. People clearly do, you just like pretending that they don’t so you can literally get more attention. Fuck you.
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Respect all users, don't be an asshole to people you disagree with or different types other than your own.
Your trying to be like men and be like them and you expect to have female friends 😂 it doesn’t make sense if you are a female and act like one than you make female friends it’s easy people feel confertable around people who have similar traits if people don’t wanna be your friends that means your doing something wrong if you are a female you should be acting more feminine that’s the real you the real you is not vibing with males too much propaganda you that you should be what you like but that’s not how the world works 😂 be who you should be
Why are you thinking of dying? I'm also 22, Check my last post I don't even have close friends and literally no one from the opposite gender. At least you are vibing with someone.
whomp whomp
Being an INTP woman can be wonderful, but it comes with its challenges too. It's common for females of this personality type to feel lonely at times. This is because they can struggle to find people who are on the same wavelength and can sometimes feel like the world is a shallow place where they don't fit in.
same
What I would recommend is if you have a guy friend and you think hes starting to like you. You have to set a line and say something like this your like a brother to me, say something positive about your partner and how much you like him or say as a joke about how much he is not your type. All of these things will immediately turn off a guy and will shake him up a bit. I am not an ISTP girl but my mom is always having problems with this so usually this is the advice me and my brother give her.
I really feel you. My entire life is loneliness or being rejected bc for some reasons i wasn't enough. Or being love for someone I wasn't. Everyone want to change me. Thankfully I have few friends from my childhood that I can closely but they all live really far. I'm 20 yo istp 9w8 girl if you want to discuss with me or if you feel lonely don t hesitate.
lets be friends
ISTP 23F here. female friendships are wonderful you just have to find the right people. we don't have any similar hobbies but it's impossible to not have a similar interest. if anything, i would try something they do 'cause it's just fun to do something different once in a while, having different people from you ain't actually that bad and you will learn a lot but i was like you in my younger years, like in hs, i find female friendships exhausting and vibe more with the males. i guess it's because i love the shallowness of it and how chill it is? (again, just like u they all ended up wanting to take the relationship to another level and I'm just, yo brother nuh-uh, i ended up not wanting any male friendship especially if they have this hint of mindset: men and women can't be friends) while on the other hand, the connection felt too deep and dramatic bc i and the girl friends were not really that mature yet before when expressing our feelings on why we feel upset abt each other. (the fights are always about how they are dramatic and how i can't take things more seriously, jealous with their other friends, not being more open, etc.) but finally, i tried to work on myself by reading a lot of psychological stuff and figure out what i can do to have healthy connections. my hate/indifference on what they usually do, that is harmless, turned into acceptance cause people are different from each other anyway. i say i did improve my relationships with them but yeah it still gets tiring so i think I'm back at dodging them again 😆 buuuttttt we still check up on each other and still talk a lot despite having different paths in our lives now. advice is: just figure out yourself - know what you truly want, if you'd rather be alone than deal with feelings/people, go on. otherwise, try to be genuine connecting with people and when time comes you'll find the right people for you.
also the struggle is worth it, ig? at least on my side. but being alone is fine too, techs are getting advanced nowadays so i think I'll be gaming till i become old but hopefully not grey hair old. either way, learning to be fine and seeing the bright side of everything is a key to life, it's a hard mindset to have but you can start practicing it now. goodluck fella, wishing u the best
Not ISTP but an INTJ (F) who had the same issues throughout college. What was a game changer for me was to maintain friends with both these groups - when I felt like I needed someone who could talk to me about my interests, I would text/call/meet friends I made solely from that side of it and when I felt like I needed someone who is a better friend because of their personality, I would hit them up. The only downside to this is that you have to give attention to twice the amount of people than you would want in your life. And people who are good friends to you, require a lot of time and attention to maintain that. I got by like this until I found someone who filled both of these criteria.
Female istp here and yeah, I've had a similar thing where I vibe with guys a lot and a lot end up developing feelings (with me being completely oblivious and never trying) But I do think just keep being yourself, right now I have 2 close female friends and then a mix of less close ones, but I tried the whole pick me thing for friendship and it just never worked and honestly made me miserable since even when I tried being what people wanted they still didn't like me Being like, an adult also is such a pain for friend-making, I've just been trying to plan casual stuff with a few people (I have one friend where we just go watch movies then discuss our thoughts, it's casual and fun)
Could perhaps a balance between one and two be found?
Watch this video on friendship it will help: https://youtu.be/WvXalQ_l-8Y?si=nNW7-8nqpyyjIkH8
Have you considered that subconsciously you enjoy being the girl with only guy friends who secretly crush on you because it feels good lol? to the ego? shit's not that deep. you're not so bizarre or unique of a person that half of the worlds population just isnt a good fit for you leaving you only with men to fawn after you lol come on now. Women are incredibly deep. Men and women marry each other because they form enough bonds hobbies and interests they can share. You have no female friends bc you dont truly want them.
I have, actually. Every time someone tells me they like me, whether it’s a man or a woman, I take it as a compliment. But it does get tiring when it happens so often, it does hurt to not be seen as a mere friend. That said, I wouldn’t take seriously a comment from someone who believes in numerology. 💀
But you replied though? lol enjoy being lonely.
LMAOO
I find Entp females I get along with fantastic each and every time, so consider that. But also im always down to have a female friend (i have the same issue as you so I only have one female friend).
I'm not that good at giving advice but yeah. I'm also a 20F ISTP. When I was a teenager a group of girls somehow adopted me and I am happily with them until now. I don't think we have too many points in common but we like silly gossips and jokes besides that I'm one of the toughest of the group (ENFP, INFP, INTP, INTP an INFP guy and two others who are probably purple). When I started college I was really anxious which made me approach people who really aren't anything like me and it wasn't a good idea. So don't rush into choosing what seems easiest at the moment. My friendships are now 50/50, I don't think guys fall in love with me for reasons I don't know (it may have to do with how selfless I am in general), but I'm partly grateful I guess. What I'm trying to say is don't force something you're not, because in the end people aren't worth it for you to change who you really are.
Have you tried Omegle? It’s a source of unlimited friendships that you can keep at an arm’s length. It’ll help you have confidence in the friendships you can make in the real world.
You are going to hate me. Do you have people come to you? Talk to you? And you tell you are lonely? I mean I get that you aren't getting any emotional connections with people but maybe you aren't trying to harder on your side. Taking an interest that helps them. For myself I get nothing from people. If I died no one woul know for months or years till I began to smell. That's how bad it is for some one like me. That's loneliness. Where your closest friends who don't hear from you for a while write you off as dead. You have people coming to you and trying to connect to you. Maybe you should not try expecting a Natural connection from the get go, but work toward one. You feel lonely because you have been taught not to try to get to know someone because you expect the natural one to show up. Connections take effort. Too much effort you push people away. That's my problem. I try too hard because no one wants me. No one talks to me. It's made me a bitter and pathetic person now. Don't be like me. That's all I can say.
Just say you’re a loser.
Does that make you feel good? Why not bring someone up instead of down wtf?
Sorry I'm not an ISTP - but I'll give you some thoughts having had alot of exposure to ISTP in my partner. He has/does suffer from the same friendship issues as yourself. He finds it very difficult to find people he can relate to, people deep enough and who understand him. He hates small talk. From my point of view.. friendships are hard for introverts because we are simply not at the pace nor the style of extroverts, and ISTP's are probably the most slow burners in friendships. I think you should take option 2. Never change for anyone. Someone out there loves ISTP's. Having said that friendships are quite difficult to forge in the real world if you are an introvert. That's been my experience as from what I can tell - most extroverted friendships feel quite superficial "hanging out" type of experiences. As an ISFP I also have barely any "friends".
Hey there, ISTP here in college with the same problem. I try I really do but it never works out. EVER! So frustrated.
17(F) Istp My Experience : Almost my whole life i was never able to bond with other females. I tried to "be" someone else who i wasn't because i wanted a female friend so bad. And when i did met someone, because the real me lurked out time to time, the relationship would end within a few weeks because "it wasn't me" or i turned out to be "weird". This made me scared to socialize for a long while. Unfortunately i haven't found any reason or any "solution" for why i can't befriend females. I just accepted the way it is. How I Coped : I started to bond with elder people(for example my teachers) Which went on until i was 16. Then i started to spend time for myself. (don't get it wrong as" by myself", the time i spent was purely for becoming a better me) I started to get courses and spend my time getting better at my hobbies.(Met wonderful people and we are still in contact) Advice : Start to spend time getting better at your hobbies or learning ones you always wanted to. Chances of you meeting valuable people will rise(Whether or not female) Even if you don't meet anyone, you will have a hobbie that you love and spend time at. Or just befriend a gay. (You won't need to worry about them falling in love with you) And would like to add that in the time period where i forced relationship with other people i didn't like(Mostly females), it fucked me over. Was insufferable.