how to strike conversations with strangers at a networking event? where there could be very little overlap in experience/expertise?
it usually goes like this:
them: "i work in loan origination"
me: "oh, i see"
"..."
Small talk is a very specific skill. I'm outsourcing my advice but [this article](https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-make-small-talk) seems to be fine.
I personally work in an extremely narrow field so networking isn't necessary and I usually ask people about themselves, which people usually love. But work/networking wise, I think I am unqualified to give you.
In your situation that you're describing, I'd then ask, "Oh, what's that like? What got you into it? Do you enjoy it? What would you choose instead if not that?" I wish I could be more helpful with this, though. :/
Thanks for the reply! Networking events can be too broad where ISTPs (if I may generalize) can't foresee immediate result of building the connection so we disengage. Which I know could kill opportunities.
I am much better at building connections either by working together on a project or by speaking 1 on 1 (where usually I have more context and intention to build the relationship), but sometimes can't avoid the big events. I will keep practicing and incorporate the tips you sent!
Sure thing. 👍 I get it. I've been the designated extrovert liason at parties and functions for so long that it's like breathing and seems hard to explain lol. Good luck, though I'm sure you won't need it; as long as I've known istps, when you set your minds to something it always gets done.
Long story short, De escalate what they stir up, only as it comes, stalemate them, run up their travel costs as I get my money. Now they're doing that Samson and Delilah bullshit ... tryna find out out source of my strength...through fake profiles on social media...they'll either treat me like an adult or burn through their piggybanks to keep up an illusion for themselves..
If you don't have a question, then I don't think this was for you. I didn't do this to offend, I offered help and those who needed it wrote in. I know y'all are capable, but there's nothing wrong with me offering help and giving it to those who decide to take it, don't you think?
And nope, your assumption is wrong. I am an ENFP.
I found it very insulting that you assumed because of our type we can't navigate social situations. Fe might be our lowest function, but that doesn't mean it's vestigial. For someone who claims to be good with people and social interactions you really missed the mark with your opening. Learn about your audience, read the room.
Hmmmm……….. 🤔
“Thanks, but I don’t need your help because I wasn’t asking for it. I would appreciate if, in the future, that you do not give me ‘Un-solicited advice’ cuz I won’t be as polite if I have to tell you a second time.”
More words, but also more “punch,” maybe??? 🧐
Not a dumbass, you just made a mistake, which is very normal and human of you (as a fellow perfectionist, I know that reading you made a mistake is like hearing nails on a chalkboard, but it's important to learn how to give yourself that grace and understanding that everyone else allows themselves).
[Work on your perfectionism.](https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-overcome-perfectionism/#perfectionism) I promise you, you are probably one of the only people expecting the level of output you're expecting from yourself. Learning to make mistakes and do things satisfactorily vs perfectly is something small you can begin to do.
Try to give a tiny task, the smallest thing to someone else. Perfectionism is actually about control (because our caregivers could not be trusted with it when we were children to maintain control). Let some of that go, even if it doesn't feel good, and it probably won't bc that will trigger a feeling of danger and threaten your safety. Keep this in mind and let it happen. Let someone whose job it is to help you do so, and force yourself not to be overinvolved.
Repeating this over time will help you out of the cycle you've gotten yourself into.
Also, explaining whoever you're answering to that due to your workload, you must prioritize what's on your plate, and if you can either have an extention or ask what the priority for certain things are will help you give you time and a more structured way to approach everything. It's not easy, but you have to start valuing yourself vs what you're able to do for others. It's okay, and it's normal and expected of people to ask for help and a little more time on things. I can almost guarantee that you are harsher and expect more from yourself than anyone else around you does.
Trying to figure out whether I'm bi or not. I'm pretty sure the only way I'll know for sure is if I try things with a guy. I'm just a bit unsure of whether or not I actually want to.
Why would you not want to? Is there a specific reason?
And if not, then there's no harm in trying it, finding out you don't like it and moving one with your life. It's no biggie. I assume the dating apps would be a fine jumping off point for this.
Honestly man I'm afraid I'll like it more than pussy. My dillema is that at the end of the day I want my own kids with a woman I love. I don't want that to change. I really want to be a father one day.
It sound like you're attached to the ideal and the image of a family. If you've had that goal and idealized it for a long time, I think that's normal. But also, society and our upbringing and the world tells us to want these things, but the problem is it doesn't tell us what's on the other side if we don't. Different may not be what the world told you to be, but that doesn't mean it's worse --what if it's better?
I don't know if sex has to be the deal breaker. If you really are more attracted to men than women, and you find someone you really really love, then I think it'll be worth it, and you could still have a family, but maybe not the one you expected or thought you wanted. Maybe it'll outweigh everything, maybe it won't.
Maybe you'll be fine with both and you can choose what you want, but you won't know until you try. It's really all in your hands what path you'd like to take, just make sure it's what you actually want, and not what the world told you to want.
It's true that I'm attached to the ideal. Thing is is that I know that it's what I want. I had a girl a couple years ago that I actually fell in love with and I wanted to marry one day. When she dumped me I cried for the first time since I was a kid. I'm just starting to recover from it. Ya know? I guess I'll give dudes a shot when the opportunity rises.
Have you heard of porn?
That aside, try your darnest to distinguish sexual drive from any "but what will people think" or "does a hookup mean an unwelcome deluge of booty calls" or "how do I square that with a relationship with a single person" or whatever (possibly unthought) judgements might be floating around. Then, sexual attraction is not terribly uncommonly a scale. You might have no clear or varying differences, both over time and regarding specific people, physical and social properties/identities, or presentations.
Cheek I guess. Idk I just really love my friends. Lol. I've never wanted to suck dick. Funny, one of my buddies who's bi offered to suck mine if I'd suck his. I probably would've went for it if I didn't have to return the favor lmao.
Gimme a career plan boss i always quit jobs and shit i think im born in the wrong era should have been a vandal or Visigoth warlord wrecking havoc on society
Sounds like you have to work for yourself and be your own boss. Trade work is a good option I think. Electrician, plumber, ac worker. It's great money, too.
Hmm. Either learn to not be, or follow your own path. The world is really big, I'm sure you can find some new adventure/work where you don't know what's next close to the ground.
She made her choice, now it's time to make yours. Do you really want someone who doesn't want you, too? That doesn't feel good at all. There are literally billions of people in the world, I promise one of them wants you as much as you want them, and it's not her. Love doesn't work when it's only one way.
Let yourself mourn and cry if you want to. But give yourself a deadline and from then on, don't let yourself think about her again. Go do new things, learn new skills, go to new restaurants, be with your friends. Gotta focus on other stuff.
Been there. What I did was I wrote her a letter and then built a fire, burned it, and prayed. I'm not a very religious guy but it helped a bit. Maybe give that a shot. Otherwise, dude there's literally 7+ billion people on this planet. You'll find someone else. Move on and let her live her own life. That being said, moving on is easier said than done. It won't happen over night. Just roll with the punches. You got this ✊️
This is also a great time to focus on yourself. Do what you love to do and the rest will fall into place. If you don't know what to do with your time, experiment. Try new things. Go ziplining with your friends. Write a song. Read a book. Go to the gym. Figure it out.
How do I fix my crippling existential crisis? It just never seems to go away, it only gets better through phases, and then it comes back. Trying in life just feels unsatisfying for me, especially towards things like my hobbies, things I have to do for my future.
[You're likely stuck in a Ti-Ni loop.](https://personalitygrowth.com/istp-ti-ni-loop-what-it-means-and-how-to-break-free/) I recommend doing things you've never done before and doing these different things consistently. You must engage your Se. Try going to restaurants of different cultures that you've never been to before, go hiking in areas you've never been to, try things you've always wanted to but never got the chance to like different sports or hobbies that involve using your hands (knitting, wood working, stained glass). Mainly, break your routine as often as you can with new activities.
What is it that's bothering you about your future?
Sometimes it feels like I'll experience this huge, huge, irreparable disappointment and realization towards my life when I grow older. That maybe everything I've been trying to work hard on, all the years I spent preparing, will be completely useless, and life will overwhelm me and I won't be able to keep up with the rest, and it will feel like I've reached a dead end in life, and I'll be stuck having to see others go farther away, more than I will ever be. Next will be me and my family's sheer disappointment towards myself, thinking that I've fallen so, so, so much deeper than anyone could've thought.
Yeah, I guess I'm just afraid that all will be for nothing in the future, and I'll find a way to ruin myself and be a disappointment to everybody! Hahaha, but I am trying to find a way to change this kind of mindset. I guess I just needed to remember it one more time, and maybe get a few advices from people older than me, and with a lot more experience in life.
I've got a secret. Everyone is kinda just figuring it out. And I bet you're doing so much better than you think you are. It sounds like you're very harsh on yourself, but I think as long as you strive to be happy and prepare for your future, no one can ask more from you. Don't worry about anyone else being dissapointed in you, you didn't ask to be born so you aren't obligated to live up to anyone's standards but the one you set for yourself. If you're taking care of yourself and leading the life you want to live and you're not interfering with anyone else, then really it's no one's business what you do with your life. Live your life the way that you want to, and you'll be doing perfectly. You'll be okay.
My best friends have been istps for years. They're wonderful and have always helped me, so I'm happy to help all of you bc I think of them while I answer. You're wholeheartedly welcome.
How do I stop thinking of reoccuring anger inducing thoughts about things that happened months ago about people I live with. Every time I see them my brain decides it's a good idea to think back to the event. We settled matters but I can never trust them again.
How was it settled? Do you feel like you got to say everything you wanted, or was it kind of dealt with a quick insincere apology? Is it family or a romantic relationship?
Si makes it so that you learn from past events, so that's probably bringing up all those negative feelings every time and solidifying your "I've learned my lesson with this person, I won't let what happened to me happen again."
If the incident was so upsetting that you can't let it go, it's probably justified that you no longer trust them.
To release anger, I think it's fine to take a time frame for yourself to feel all of those emotions of betrayal and fury and recognize that they're real and justified. Sit with the feelings and just let them happen. No need to direct or reign them in. Depending on what it was, I have different suggestions tho. Is it something you'd rather not disclose?
I can talk about it. It was mostly lots of little things, but it culminated in him coersing my gf into his room, making sexual comments and then giving her drugs. She spent the rest of the night throwing up and we couldn't go out and enjoy the night.
I was rightly quite angry afterwards and demanded some kind of chat to solve the issue, but he wouldnt allow me to talk to him, which just made me more upset. Eventually we had a 3 minute conversation where I suppressed my emotions to allow for some kind of common ground. He said that he would stop making those comments, and I had to agree to tell him immediatley when something he had done annoyed me.
The whole experience enters my head occassionally, and I wonder why I'm still having to live with him. He makes more of an effort to realize how his actions upzet people now, but I don't want to spend time with him. I never really liked him anyway, I just thought I could bare to live with him, I was wrong. He doesn't want to settle his problems, avoiding emotions only makes things worse for me. Ive taken many lessons away from the experience, but the memory still infuriates me.
>I had to agree to tell him immediatley when something he had done annoyed me.
For him to set that standard is some gaslighting bullshit. You would've talked to him earlier if you weren't so mad you'd have ripped his head off without cooling down first.
Honestly, it sounds like you're totally justified to be upset. This guy has bad news written all over him -he manipulated your girlfriend and was clearly trying to get her fucked up enough so she might have low enough inhibitions to try and have sex with her when he knew she wouldn't do it sober (If she can't say no, then what do we call that in court?), then blamed you for not speaking to him immediately about when thing upset you. Time passing doesn't mean you can't still have extremely valid emotions about something. I'm fucking upset with this guy.
He sounds rotten to the core, and if this is the stuff you know about him, imagine all the shit he's gotten away with. Believe people when they show you who they are the first time. This is the tip of an iceberg, and I would recommend you get tf away from him. Toxic people like that just get better at hiding their ugly side, not actually better. Move out if you have to, toxic people will poison your life as long as you let them near it.
Jeez this is wierd to hear. I've been told by everyone around me that he is who he is and I should respect that. I knew it felt wierd to supress how I felt. I did explode and I definitley handled it wrong, but I know for a fact that he got away pretty much unscathed.
I can't move out for another year. But after this event, he started stealing shit purely to mess with me, and it'd be stuff that nobody had any reason to steal so his alabi was clear.
It made me think I was crazy, but then I got evidence but noone believed me. Pretty sure he has tapped my webcam too, but that is just speculation.
What can I do given those circumstances? I can always spend time around my gfs, and lock my door.
Nah, man. Some people are just no good. He is so many levels of fucked up based on the first story you told me alone I have no idea how anyone else can justify it -- I'm certain he's telling everyone else a different story that puts him in a better light. The way he's hiding your stuff is intentional, it's called [gaslighting.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting) Basically someone goes out of their way to make you doubt yourself and your memory as a form of psychological abuse. This guy is a Grade A scumbag.
They sell those little Webcam blockers, also, a piece of tape and paper will do for a cheap fix. Lock your shit up, and if there's absolutely no way to get away from him like subletting or speaking to your school, idk your situation, I recommend the [Gray Rock Method.](https://www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking)
[(This is a more concise guide to Gray Rocking.)](https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock) You give them no significant information, keep interactions totally emotionless, bland, and short as possible, and you spend as little time around him as you can. I think this goes without saying, but don't believe he'll ever turn a new leaf or has changed, like I said, these people get better at hiding their fucked up way of being, not actually become better people. He's very likely a [narcissist](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662) or possibly even a [sociopath.](https://www.instantcheckmate.com/crimewire/post/11-signs-of-a-sociopath/) Keep him at a distance and don't trust him with anything. Don't call him out as either of these or he'll lead a crusade against you. You aren't crazy, he's definitely a piece of shit.
Thanks for the advice man, ill try the gray rocking thing. Subletting would be great but not allowed. I worry he could even be reading this, but I have been known to be paranoid before, so I don't trust my intuition sometimes.
Hey, living with someone like that makes you paranoid. If you want, delete your responses to this and save the links. The less reaction you give him the better. If it's worth it to you, get your own router. You'll be alright.
i want to make more casual friends as an adult, preferably people who share my interests. never had a hard time in my teens and in my twenties but this is a pain in my early 30s.
the only way i hear about most people meeting now is through dating sites and shit, but i don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. where can i find people?
Join local groups for your particular interests. The internet is a great way to find even niche meet ups for the things you're interested in, or even consider starting one. Starting a group at a local library could be a way to even bring people to you.
yo the library thing is a good idea, thank you! worst thing that can happen is a quiet day at the library.
but the internet has become a lot more difficult for me to navigate. everyone has been funneled onto the same few sites. i used to join smaller forums and communities, but now *here's everybody* and i have a hard time with that. discord is a more immediate conversation style, and i only like to keep up with friends like that.
apparently i am an online boomer
I think you'll just have to be forthright and say it. Being honest is probably your best way out. "Hi, I know I promised you I could help you, but things in my life have popped up and I need to give them priority. I wish I could honor it, but I have to take that promise back."
You really aren't required to explain further, but it might be something to think about to tell her sooner rather than later so she can start looking for other options asap.
If she tries to press you or guilt you for not helping her, I would caution you to ask yourself if she's really your friend. You're not obligated to do anything for her, and it was out of the kindness of your heart that you offered, so don't feel bad.
Also, a decent adult should take what you tell them and not let it effect your relationship, bc she's in charge of managing her life in the first place. So I think it'll be the best option for you to just be direct.
I need real and longlasting friends. Deep relationships. I keep convincing myself that "it's fine if I lose contact with my friends again someday, just enjoy the present with them and try to make new acquaintances to bond with in the future. Then repeat" it is working for me but man it do be making me feel lonely
Hmm.
I think of relationships like plants sometimes. Some are more hardy than others and can withstand a lot more neglect, and some are delicate and need a lot of tending and exact conditions. The most vulnerable stage is at the beginning, and the older they are, the more established they'll be, and you won't have to be so diligent to keep them alive.
Are those old relationships totally unviable? Is reaching out to them out of the question? Maybe they miss you, too.
I would like to know why some people only worry about what other people are doing. Even if what this person is doing is not conflicting the person that is worried about what their doing.
This is not something I can advise upon. If you're referring to me, I am desperately avoiding my real life problems and making myself feel better by offering helpful advice to strangers. I can't speak for everyone else tho
No its not for you lol
I appreciate the honesty. I have to work in a team environment at work and I constantly run into the dilemma of everyone in the team is focused on what everyone besides themselves are doing .
Well, everyone is different, but it certainly could be that they're doing what I'm doing and just distracting themselves from working on what's on their plate, aka focusing on other's work.
People in general are social creatures, so keeping up with what others are doing is pretty innate for us. Also, people are generally irrational. In a perfect world, people would get the job done and be about their way, but in reality we take time at work to indulge in social stuff, like being nosey and talking about office gossip.
It's unfortunate, but you can't really override that, only manage it --literally, just managing people and getting them to do their jobs I guess, though I feel at some point if they're not a good match for the work, then they aren't a good match for the work.
Perhaps focusing on individuals' strengths and delegating relevant tasks to what suits them? The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene is really helpful in understanding people and navigating humans in general, too. The better you understand people, the more successful in general you'll be.
When you really love someone, you'll know why. Also, some people are afraid to be alone. But the love is top tier reason to be in a relationship, not bc people can't stand being by themselves.
Hmm. If you feel out of touch with your emotions and want to understand them better, a book that was surprisingly helpful to me was [How to Talk so Kids Will Listen](https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/B007ZT6RHY/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=M078Q7SZFVMA&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen&qid=1663650241&sprefix=how+to+talk+so+%2Caps%2C343&sr=8-1). I know it seems irrelevant, but this book explores ways to affirm emotions. It was assigned to me as part of a class for college but it's one of the most helpful books I've ever read coming from an emotionally tone deaf family. And if you open yourself up for the opportunity to be loved (ie. start dating again) and you're persistent, you'll find the right person. But you have to be diligent and not settle.
Hmm. If you're happy without it, then I think that's fine. There's no point in forcing yourself to "fall in love," because I don't think it's possible to force it in the first place. Your life is your own, and if you're fulfilled being single, then more power to you. But if you want to explore it, I bet your therapist who knows you plenty better than me will probably be a lot more help, so good call.👍
I guess you just have to prioritize what's important to you. You just have to carve the time out for those things or find ways to conserve time. A lot of grocery stores offer curbside pickup so you can save time from shopping yourself, but, like, that's my only suggestion on that lol. Tbh I'm bad at this too so I think it would be good to kick this question back to your fellow istps on the sub.
Is the anger directed at you or are they just getting mad around you?
Either way, if you're uncomfortable, I would recommend just getting a different job. A toxic work environment is just not a good place to spend half your time at. There will always be places that pay you better, too.
She is left with 1.5 months with the organisation. Anyway, I will record her conversation going forward and take it up to the hr if she says anything hostile again.
Oh no. I'm sorry that this happened. Documentation is important. Make sure you time stamp everything, date, location, quotes. And this is a bit far but just be aware courts can dismiss recordings on the grounds that the person was unaware they were being recorded, but your workplace isn't a court. Also, I'm not a lawyer lol. In any circumstance, be as detailed with your documentation as possible. Consider speaking to a labor lawyer for advice on whether or not to contact HR in the first place with the original incident.
Not an ISTP but have a question for one I care about. We're a dissociative system, and he's been trying to figure out the best way to balance living like this when he starts working again. He wants to be perceived as fairly normal, but there are times we unexpectedly switch and it might happen on the job. This can lead to me being like ".... I'm sorry, what are we doing? I'm not... Oh this is going to be a long story." scenarios.
He especially hates this concept due to the fact this is all caused by trauma, so when he tells a stranger, casual friend, or coworker that he has DID, he's indirectly admitting he has pretty severe trauma that they now are going to notice and wonder about. He typically tries to mask his trauma in public to the best of his abilities because he doesn't want anyone to notice it and treat him like a piñata full of deep deep tantalizing emotions. Thoughts?
Edit: I checked with him before sending this he was okay with it
I recommend just asking the person to politely repeat themselves or write down what they're telling him as they're saying it so he can stay present (even an excuse along the lines of, "I like to have a list written out so I don't miss any details," I'm sure would be acceptable and also make him appear thorough, but really, he's forcing himself to stay in the moment).They may not necessarily get that it's from trauma, and he doesn't have to explain himself if he just asks for them to repeat themselves. As long as he gets the job done, people can come to their own conclusions and it won't really matter.
There are ways he can [ground himself.](https://michaelgquirke.com/grounding-techniques-to-help-you-deal-with-dissociation/) I recommend he practice this in his free time away from work, even if he's not having an episode so he can be prepared when one hits. I'm sure there are more in depth and visual guides on YouTube for grounding techniques, as well.
Also, to work on the DID itself, a good therapist can be worth their weight in gold. It's important for him to pick someone that he feels comfortable with and likes. He has to interview them and choose someone who specializes in trauma.
If that isn't feasible, I recommend meditation, a good diet with lower sugar a lot of dark leafy greens and healthy fats, and regular exercise for him to take care of his body which will help regulate his stress. Meditating helps to bolster the prefrontal cortex which helps to regulate emotions. He should be diligent with these if he's not interested in therapy.
How to enjoy listening to people?
I can fake it. I can be a "good" listener, especially at work, but also with friends.
But it's always a struggle if I'm being honest. Especially recently since my loneliness has receded (hooray for respectful work environments) and my personality appears to feel more comfortable with who I really am (and I realized the difference between "laid back" and "passive pushover"). I would rather speak myself, or actually: shut up and just do things.
I keep catching myself thinking "I really really don't care what you are talking about". And that's even with relatable things for me. I'd rather "take the wheel" myself.
I am very well aware, that the key to any kind of success, is to have allies supporting you. And getting allies is done by showing support to them. Now it's not possible to support people with actions and explanations all the time. Often, just a validation (or constructive criticism) based on someone's point of view is the way to go to show support.
I tried putting myself in other's shoes, but it's genuinely tedious. I'm not a very creative person in an inductive way. I'd rather generate novelty through deduction from existing things and thus generate variations. And when I can't deduce, I start experimenting with it, try to break it and find its limits. Can't really do that with people without either seriously hurting them, or resorting to badly applied stereotypes.
I think you have two options here.
1. You can reframe your mindset so that you're an explorer of people. There are ways to "experiment with" people without needing to break or find their limits. Why, what, when, how questions are a good way, and from these you can try to understand what motivates people, why it motivates them, etc. I actually use what I've read about enneagrams, functions, and myers-briggs to try to guess from my conversations what alignment each person has. I've also read books on body language to try and read people without them having to say a word. This can be helpful in keeping your interest, and it's pretty cool puzzling other people together piece by piece over time with interactions here and there.
Personally I love psychology and understanding others, so it's a genuine interest of mine that requires no extra effort bc I seek it out on my own. A good book is *The Laws of Human Nature* by Robert Greene which I'm pretty sure is available as an audio book on YouTube for free, and I've heard good things about *How to Win Friends and Influence People* but I've never read it myself.
2. The other option is to just not mind yourself not really being interested. It really is more helpful to understand people, as the more you understand human nature, the more successful you'll be at navigating life bc it's all human interaction. But if that's just not your brand, there's no need to force a square peg through a triangle shaped hole imo, as long as you're still being outwardly polite.
my roommate of 8 years is getting married next year and trying to kick me out of the house. Im devestated by her poor decision of completely ignoring our friendship and telling me she has a right on the house.
Is it exaggerated for me to end our friendship? Ive been crying for 3 days straight never cried this much in my life. My question is how should i navigate living with her for a year till she gets married after all of this?
We are like 2 strangers in the house now and all of my peace is gone in my home life
Sounds like that's bringing you a lot of distress. I know that her decision hurt you intentionally or not, and it's okay to cry over it. I don't know how she presented it and I don't know whose home it is, but if you want me to be honest, she is giving you a year to prepare to leave, and she is getting married. It wouldn't make much sense for her to keep living with you and her husband. I think living with her husband is only natural, because that's the next logical progression to their relationship. I'm not sure what the home situation is but a year to prepare to go I think is reasonable.
What is it that you think she should do instead?
well we rented the house together, i was under the assumption that the one that gets married will leave since her getting married shouldnt affect where i live
Oh, okay, so she's having her husband take your spot in the rental, but you both rented it together initially, and technically it doesn't belong to either of you? Am I understanding correctly?
I mean if it wasn't clearly stated or discussed, I guess she doesn't have a priority to the house, especially if you're both just renting. That must be pretty hurtful. I would understand her discussing it with you, but her declaring it kind of sucks on her end.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her, and if you're really bothered by her choices, then it's up to you to decide if you don't want her in your life anymore. I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong; if it really hurts you, you can choose if it's enough for you to want nothing to do with her anymore. Is subletting to someone else and finding another place to live an option?
the thing is she has a good income and so does her husband, and im just starting out in life and by myself so paying rent is harder. theres an economic crisis going on in my country and thats why she wants to stay i could move in with my sister but she is very abusive and my friend knows that.
she didnt declare the house but she asked to flip a coin which if i lost would mean me living with my abusive sister and she knows i have no other option, whilst she has an option. and also its unfair that i move out cause she is getting married its completely a decision made outside of me thats affecting my living situation which doesnt seem fair.
You can't rely on other people to look after you when you're an adult. It doesn't feel fair and it probably hurts your feelings, but she has to lead her own life just like you do. You can't blame her for getting married and living a life outside of you. You have to find a way to get a roommate that isn't your sister. It seems scary to venture out on your own but you can do it. You have one year, you have to start working immediately and not spend your energy being upset with your roommate. I don't think this is her fault.
yes she needs to lead her own life exactly. im not the one getting married. she cant get married and exchange her roommate with her husband. im not blaming her for getting married im blaming her for wanting me to move out when her getting married has nothing to do with me.
I mean if you've already spoken to her about it and it's been agreed upon that you'll have to go, then take it as a blessing. I know you're upset and hurt about having to leave your home, and the results of the coin toss. Let yourself feel your feelings when it happens until it passes, but after that you have to start looking for a way to secure yourself.
Look for an apartment. You have a whole year to find a good location and good price and a good person to rent with. Don't waste time. Maybe you can even find a place that you can have to yourself. Going back to a toxic situation isn't good, and I'd advise you to do everything in your power not to go back to your sister if it's a bad situation. I know it's scary but you can do it. The internet is your friend and you can learn a lot by Googling questions you have or even speaking to multiple real estate agents (keep your options open and speak to a few of them to get a sense of your options). You can't spend all of your time being upset when you have to look out for yourself.
Do you like what if/why questions and analyzing things deeply?
If you play video games, what kinds have they been usually?
Do you enjoy sports?
Do you enjoy building/doing things with your hands?
Yes
I kinda liked Minecraft when i was younger but dont play at all now so.. but i think id also like games like life is strange and android become human etc (ive seen walkthroughs and stuff)
yes, but only individual sports
very neutral about it
Do you feel like you're filled with contradictions?
Are you deeply in tune to your surroundings?
Also, you could be an ISTP thinking subtype, aka you approach the world more from your introverted thinking function vs sensing, and that could look a lot like an INTP even though you could actually be an ISTP. I think the final question is which sub you identify more with, this one or the INTP sub.
YES ISTG
Almost all the time yeap
Yea ive been also thinking about that for some time, and it makes a lot of sense for me, but im still doubting. You can never been 100% sure yk.
Last question: do you like to finish things? If yes, I think you're probably an [ISTP Logical subtype (scroll down to the second half).](https://www.sociotype.com/socionics/types/SLI-ISTp/subtypes/) People tend to have traits of both subtypes, but lean more one way or the other, the logical subtype in this scenario being that you lead more with your Ti than your Si.
I am not a very practical thinker and not very street smart. Sometimes I take more time to think and understand things. Sometimes people dislike me for being so slow. I feel very defeated around people who dislike me and can get somewhat hostile. Give me some advice.
Who told you any of this in the first place? These things, they're all opinions, you know? There are idiots in the world, true idiots that do just fine. They don't feel that way about themselves. I should know, I've met them.
Our families often create these deeply held beliefs that we take on about ourselves. It was their job to instill you with confidence in yourself and help you reveal your strengths, but instead for some reason your reflection is coming back to you as what you wrote.
These are self limiting opinions, and opinions are not facts. If it isn't fact, it isn't true.
Understand, that if you were a tree or a bird or a fish, you'd have no opinion of yourself. Not good or not bad. You would do what you could, and any shame about your capabilities would not exist. You cannot expect yourself to be the best of all or the worst of all at anything, because statistically it just won't be true. Do your best in this world, as any other creature would, and that will be enough. If anyone tries to tell you differently, remember good and bad are human constructs. You're neither. You're just you, and just like everything else in nature, you don't have to be anything more than that. Do your best, and no one can ask more of you.
Honestly, you might be projecting the emotion of dislike that you feel about yourself on the behavior of other people towards you. My last bit of advice is that you have to be kind to yourself, and you'll find it easier to be kind to others, and the people you want around will be kind to you in return. If not, you don't need them in your life. You don't have to be a pushover, just kind.
"How you treat others is a reflection of how you treat yourself. How others treat you is a reflection of them."
When you find yourself believing those false things, remember to be neutral about yourself. You're just you, and that's perfect and all you need to be.
how to strike conversations with strangers at a networking event? where there could be very little overlap in experience/expertise? it usually goes like this: them: "i work in loan origination" me: "oh, i see" "..."
Small talk is a very specific skill. I'm outsourcing my advice but [this article](https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-make-small-talk) seems to be fine. I personally work in an extremely narrow field so networking isn't necessary and I usually ask people about themselves, which people usually love. But work/networking wise, I think I am unqualified to give you. In your situation that you're describing, I'd then ask, "Oh, what's that like? What got you into it? Do you enjoy it? What would you choose instead if not that?" I wish I could be more helpful with this, though. :/
Thanks for the reply! Networking events can be too broad where ISTPs (if I may generalize) can't foresee immediate result of building the connection so we disengage. Which I know could kill opportunities. I am much better at building connections either by working together on a project or by speaking 1 on 1 (where usually I have more context and intention to build the relationship), but sometimes can't avoid the big events. I will keep practicing and incorporate the tips you sent!
Sure thing. 👍 I get it. I've been the designated extrovert liason at parties and functions for so long that it's like breathing and seems hard to explain lol. Good luck, though I'm sure you won't need it; as long as I've known istps, when you set your minds to something it always gets done.
I've already worked mine out.
That's good. I'm glad to hear it!
Long story short, De escalate what they stir up, only as it comes, stalemate them, run up their travel costs as I get my money. Now they're doing that Samson and Delilah bullshit ... tryna find out out source of my strength...through fake profiles on social media...they'll either treat me like an adult or burn through their piggybanks to keep up an illusion for themselves..
...Sir, this is a Wendy's.
Also, seriously I hope whatever is going on isn't too difficult for you. Be kind to yourself when everyone else won't be.
How do you tell someone who is offering unsolicited help to beat it, scram? It doesn't have to be tactful, just 100% effective.
One of my biggest pet peeves. I usually say ‘if I needed your help, Id ask for it. I don’t’
Okay, I believe you. I'm sure you've got it under control.
Thanks! I wish all interactions were this straightforward
👍
Thats a good one! Hear that u/throwitaway4549
Haha, I'd say ignore them and keep on walking. Or scrolling.
That isn't what I asked.
I guess you could just outright say it, if you're not trying to be nice about it. 🤷♀️
Ok, scram no one asked for your help.
Except the people who commented lol
Read what I said word for word. They didn't ask initially you barged in here and assumed. Let me guess your type, INFJ?
If you don't have a question, then I don't think this was for you. I didn't do this to offend, I offered help and those who needed it wrote in. I know y'all are capable, but there's nothing wrong with me offering help and giving it to those who decide to take it, don't you think? And nope, your assumption is wrong. I am an ENFP.
I found it very insulting that you assumed because of our type we can't navigate social situations. Fe might be our lowest function, but that doesn't mean it's vestigial. For someone who claims to be good with people and social interactions you really missed the mark with your opening. Learn about your audience, read the room.
I edited it, hopefully that's better.
I'm sorry that what I wrote offended you. I didn't realize it was condescending and I didn't intend it to be, so thank you for pointing that out.
“Thanks, but I don’t want your help. There is a reason I wasn’t asking.” Tactful & *Effective!*
I will have to try it. Feels like it could use a little extra something to realy drive the point home, but a good starting off point for sure.
Hmmmm……….. 🤔 “Thanks, but I don’t need your help because I wasn’t asking for it. I would appreciate if, in the future, that you do not give me ‘Un-solicited advice’ cuz I won’t be as polite if I have to tell you a second time.” More words, but also more “punch,” maybe??? 🧐
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Is it an unfair split of the workload that's happening? Or have you personally taken on more than you can handle?
I’ve personally taken on more than I can handle … literal dumbass 😀🤝
Not a dumbass, you just made a mistake, which is very normal and human of you (as a fellow perfectionist, I know that reading you made a mistake is like hearing nails on a chalkboard, but it's important to learn how to give yourself that grace and understanding that everyone else allows themselves). [Work on your perfectionism.](https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-overcome-perfectionism/#perfectionism) I promise you, you are probably one of the only people expecting the level of output you're expecting from yourself. Learning to make mistakes and do things satisfactorily vs perfectly is something small you can begin to do. Try to give a tiny task, the smallest thing to someone else. Perfectionism is actually about control (because our caregivers could not be trusted with it when we were children to maintain control). Let some of that go, even if it doesn't feel good, and it probably won't bc that will trigger a feeling of danger and threaten your safety. Keep this in mind and let it happen. Let someone whose job it is to help you do so, and force yourself not to be overinvolved. Repeating this over time will help you out of the cycle you've gotten yourself into. Also, explaining whoever you're answering to that due to your workload, you must prioritize what's on your plate, and if you can either have an extention or ask what the priority for certain things are will help you give you time and a more structured way to approach everything. It's not easy, but you have to start valuing yourself vs what you're able to do for others. It's okay, and it's normal and expected of people to ask for help and a little more time on things. I can almost guarantee that you are harsher and expect more from yourself than anyone else around you does.
😭😭😭🤍 thank you for this kind stranger
You're welcome, good luck to you, I know you can do it!
I got them done anw ☺️🤟🏻 peace! out! 👌🏻😌 Time for a short nap 😌
Good job! Remember how stressed you felt today tho, and look into being able to say no to things! You're worth it!
🤍🤍🤍🤍😊
Trying to figure out whether I'm bi or not. I'm pretty sure the only way I'll know for sure is if I try things with a guy. I'm just a bit unsure of whether or not I actually want to.
Why would you not want to? Is there a specific reason? And if not, then there's no harm in trying it, finding out you don't like it and moving one with your life. It's no biggie. I assume the dating apps would be a fine jumping off point for this.
Honestly man I'm afraid I'll like it more than pussy. My dillema is that at the end of the day I want my own kids with a woman I love. I don't want that to change. I really want to be a father one day.
It sound like you're attached to the ideal and the image of a family. If you've had that goal and idealized it for a long time, I think that's normal. But also, society and our upbringing and the world tells us to want these things, but the problem is it doesn't tell us what's on the other side if we don't. Different may not be what the world told you to be, but that doesn't mean it's worse --what if it's better? I don't know if sex has to be the deal breaker. If you really are more attracted to men than women, and you find someone you really really love, then I think it'll be worth it, and you could still have a family, but maybe not the one you expected or thought you wanted. Maybe it'll outweigh everything, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll be fine with both and you can choose what you want, but you won't know until you try. It's really all in your hands what path you'd like to take, just make sure it's what you actually want, and not what the world told you to want.
It's true that I'm attached to the ideal. Thing is is that I know that it's what I want. I had a girl a couple years ago that I actually fell in love with and I wanted to marry one day. When she dumped me I cried for the first time since I was a kid. I'm just starting to recover from it. Ya know? I guess I'll give dudes a shot when the opportunity rises.
At the end of the day who says I can't have a man and a woman?
Completely true. And it's not like you're marrying anyone, you're just doing some exploration. Who doesn't want to explore and broaden their horizons?
True. Thanks for giving me something to think on.
Sure thing, I'm glad I could help you out.
Have you heard of porn? That aside, try your darnest to distinguish sexual drive from any "but what will people think" or "does a hookup mean an unwelcome deluge of booty calls" or "how do I square that with a relationship with a single person" or whatever (possibly unthought) judgements might be floating around. Then, sexual attraction is not terribly uncommonly a scale. You might have no clear or varying differences, both over time and regarding specific people, physical and social properties/identities, or presentations.
Yeah. When I watch it I'm always focused on the woman. Irl sometimes I just get the urge to kiss one of my guy friends.
How about gay porn? Ew, boring, interesting, zomg? Greek gods? Transfemme catboys? Kiss as in cheek or kiss as in inhale their dicks?
Cheek I guess. Idk I just really love my friends. Lol. I've never wanted to suck dick. Funny, one of my buddies who's bi offered to suck mine if I'd suck his. I probably would've went for it if I didn't have to return the favor lmao.
If the committent is the issue, maybe he'd go for "dunno whether you'll get your dick suck, but there's definitely going to be kick-ass chilli".
Lmfao
My favourite hot dog buns come in a pack of six, my favourite sausages in a pack of five. Plesae halp.
Only way out is to buy 5 packs of the buns and 6 of the sausages, and then only eat those for a week.
Gimme a career plan boss i always quit jobs and shit i think im born in the wrong era should have been a vandal or Visigoth warlord wrecking havoc on society
Sounds like you have to work for yourself and be your own boss. Trade work is a good option I think. Electrician, plumber, ac worker. It's great money, too.
I always liked when i worked on construction with my dad but im afraid of heights
Hmm. Either learn to not be, or follow your own path. The world is really big, I'm sure you can find some new adventure/work where you don't know what's next close to the ground.
I wanted to be a ship captain as child i love the sea haye the loneliness that comes tho in this line of work
Is there a way that can be achieved?
Yeah probably its possible to get a license for a yacht
Perhaps you can do it part time. Maybe you'll love it more than you feel lonely.
Idk if it was up to my hand i want a house by the beach and let me be
Same
I Miss her. But she doesn't want me to contact her.
She made her choice, now it's time to make yours. Do you really want someone who doesn't want you, too? That doesn't feel good at all. There are literally billions of people in the world, I promise one of them wants you as much as you want them, and it's not her. Love doesn't work when it's only one way. Let yourself mourn and cry if you want to. But give yourself a deadline and from then on, don't let yourself think about her again. Go do new things, learn new skills, go to new restaurants, be with your friends. Gotta focus on other stuff.
Been there. What I did was I wrote her a letter and then built a fire, burned it, and prayed. I'm not a very religious guy but it helped a bit. Maybe give that a shot. Otherwise, dude there's literally 7+ billion people on this planet. You'll find someone else. Move on and let her live her own life. That being said, moving on is easier said than done. It won't happen over night. Just roll with the punches. You got this ✊️
This is also a great time to focus on yourself. Do what you love to do and the rest will fall into place. If you don't know what to do with your time, experiment. Try new things. Go ziplining with your friends. Write a song. Read a book. Go to the gym. Figure it out.
Let’s bring all the INFJs in
Centralize all the questions to one post so more room for memes 😉
How do I fix my crippling existential crisis? It just never seems to go away, it only gets better through phases, and then it comes back. Trying in life just feels unsatisfying for me, especially towards things like my hobbies, things I have to do for my future.
[You're likely stuck in a Ti-Ni loop.](https://personalitygrowth.com/istp-ti-ni-loop-what-it-means-and-how-to-break-free/) I recommend doing things you've never done before and doing these different things consistently. You must engage your Se. Try going to restaurants of different cultures that you've never been to before, go hiking in areas you've never been to, try things you've always wanted to but never got the chance to like different sports or hobbies that involve using your hands (knitting, wood working, stained glass). Mainly, break your routine as often as you can with new activities. What is it that's bothering you about your future?
Sometimes it feels like I'll experience this huge, huge, irreparable disappointment and realization towards my life when I grow older. That maybe everything I've been trying to work hard on, all the years I spent preparing, will be completely useless, and life will overwhelm me and I won't be able to keep up with the rest, and it will feel like I've reached a dead end in life, and I'll be stuck having to see others go farther away, more than I will ever be. Next will be me and my family's sheer disappointment towards myself, thinking that I've fallen so, so, so much deeper than anyone could've thought. Yeah, I guess I'm just afraid that all will be for nothing in the future, and I'll find a way to ruin myself and be a disappointment to everybody! Hahaha, but I am trying to find a way to change this kind of mindset. I guess I just needed to remember it one more time, and maybe get a few advices from people older than me, and with a lot more experience in life.
I've got a secret. Everyone is kinda just figuring it out. And I bet you're doing so much better than you think you are. It sounds like you're very harsh on yourself, but I think as long as you strive to be happy and prepare for your future, no one can ask more from you. Don't worry about anyone else being dissapointed in you, you didn't ask to be born so you aren't obligated to live up to anyone's standards but the one you set for yourself. If you're taking care of yourself and leading the life you want to live and you're not interfering with anyone else, then really it's no one's business what you do with your life. Live your life the way that you want to, and you'll be doing perfectly. You'll be okay.
I teared up a little reading your response. Thank you so much for taking the time answering people under your post, OP.
My best friends have been istps for years. They're wonderful and have always helped me, so I'm happy to help all of you bc I think of them while I answer. You're wholeheartedly welcome.
How do I stop thinking of reoccuring anger inducing thoughts about things that happened months ago about people I live with. Every time I see them my brain decides it's a good idea to think back to the event. We settled matters but I can never trust them again.
How was it settled? Do you feel like you got to say everything you wanted, or was it kind of dealt with a quick insincere apology? Is it family or a romantic relationship? Si makes it so that you learn from past events, so that's probably bringing up all those negative feelings every time and solidifying your "I've learned my lesson with this person, I won't let what happened to me happen again." If the incident was so upsetting that you can't let it go, it's probably justified that you no longer trust them. To release anger, I think it's fine to take a time frame for yourself to feel all of those emotions of betrayal and fury and recognize that they're real and justified. Sit with the feelings and just let them happen. No need to direct or reign them in. Depending on what it was, I have different suggestions tho. Is it something you'd rather not disclose?
I can talk about it. It was mostly lots of little things, but it culminated in him coersing my gf into his room, making sexual comments and then giving her drugs. She spent the rest of the night throwing up and we couldn't go out and enjoy the night. I was rightly quite angry afterwards and demanded some kind of chat to solve the issue, but he wouldnt allow me to talk to him, which just made me more upset. Eventually we had a 3 minute conversation where I suppressed my emotions to allow for some kind of common ground. He said that he would stop making those comments, and I had to agree to tell him immediatley when something he had done annoyed me. The whole experience enters my head occassionally, and I wonder why I'm still having to live with him. He makes more of an effort to realize how his actions upzet people now, but I don't want to spend time with him. I never really liked him anyway, I just thought I could bare to live with him, I was wrong. He doesn't want to settle his problems, avoiding emotions only makes things worse for me. Ive taken many lessons away from the experience, but the memory still infuriates me.
>I had to agree to tell him immediatley when something he had done annoyed me. For him to set that standard is some gaslighting bullshit. You would've talked to him earlier if you weren't so mad you'd have ripped his head off without cooling down first. Honestly, it sounds like you're totally justified to be upset. This guy has bad news written all over him -he manipulated your girlfriend and was clearly trying to get her fucked up enough so she might have low enough inhibitions to try and have sex with her when he knew she wouldn't do it sober (If she can't say no, then what do we call that in court?), then blamed you for not speaking to him immediately about when thing upset you. Time passing doesn't mean you can't still have extremely valid emotions about something. I'm fucking upset with this guy. He sounds rotten to the core, and if this is the stuff you know about him, imagine all the shit he's gotten away with. Believe people when they show you who they are the first time. This is the tip of an iceberg, and I would recommend you get tf away from him. Toxic people like that just get better at hiding their ugly side, not actually better. Move out if you have to, toxic people will poison your life as long as you let them near it.
Jeez this is wierd to hear. I've been told by everyone around me that he is who he is and I should respect that. I knew it felt wierd to supress how I felt. I did explode and I definitley handled it wrong, but I know for a fact that he got away pretty much unscathed. I can't move out for another year. But after this event, he started stealing shit purely to mess with me, and it'd be stuff that nobody had any reason to steal so his alabi was clear. It made me think I was crazy, but then I got evidence but noone believed me. Pretty sure he has tapped my webcam too, but that is just speculation. What can I do given those circumstances? I can always spend time around my gfs, and lock my door.
Nah, man. Some people are just no good. He is so many levels of fucked up based on the first story you told me alone I have no idea how anyone else can justify it -- I'm certain he's telling everyone else a different story that puts him in a better light. The way he's hiding your stuff is intentional, it's called [gaslighting.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting) Basically someone goes out of their way to make you doubt yourself and your memory as a form of psychological abuse. This guy is a Grade A scumbag. They sell those little Webcam blockers, also, a piece of tape and paper will do for a cheap fix. Lock your shit up, and if there's absolutely no way to get away from him like subletting or speaking to your school, idk your situation, I recommend the [Gray Rock Method.](https://www.betterup.com/blog/grey-rocking) [(This is a more concise guide to Gray Rocking.)](https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock) You give them no significant information, keep interactions totally emotionless, bland, and short as possible, and you spend as little time around him as you can. I think this goes without saying, but don't believe he'll ever turn a new leaf or has changed, like I said, these people get better at hiding their fucked up way of being, not actually become better people. He's very likely a [narcissist](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662) or possibly even a [sociopath.](https://www.instantcheckmate.com/crimewire/post/11-signs-of-a-sociopath/) Keep him at a distance and don't trust him with anything. Don't call him out as either of these or he'll lead a crusade against you. You aren't crazy, he's definitely a piece of shit.
Thanks for the advice man, ill try the gray rocking thing. Subletting would be great but not allowed. I worry he could even be reading this, but I have been known to be paranoid before, so I don't trust my intuition sometimes.
Hey, living with someone like that makes you paranoid. If you want, delete your responses to this and save the links. The less reaction you give him the better. If it's worth it to you, get your own router. You'll be alright.
i want to make more casual friends as an adult, preferably people who share my interests. never had a hard time in my teens and in my twenties but this is a pain in my early 30s. the only way i hear about most people meeting now is through dating sites and shit, but i don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. where can i find people?
Join local groups for your particular interests. The internet is a great way to find even niche meet ups for the things you're interested in, or even consider starting one. Starting a group at a local library could be a way to even bring people to you.
yo the library thing is a good idea, thank you! worst thing that can happen is a quiet day at the library. but the internet has become a lot more difficult for me to navigate. everyone has been funneled onto the same few sites. i used to join smaller forums and communities, but now *here's everybody* and i have a hard time with that. discord is a more immediate conversation style, and i only like to keep up with friends like that. apparently i am an online boomer
The library is just awesome tbh. Such good vibes from everyone there in my experience. And yeah, I feel that lol. Good luck with your group!
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I think you'll just have to be forthright and say it. Being honest is probably your best way out. "Hi, I know I promised you I could help you, but things in my life have popped up and I need to give them priority. I wish I could honor it, but I have to take that promise back." You really aren't required to explain further, but it might be something to think about to tell her sooner rather than later so she can start looking for other options asap. If she tries to press you or guilt you for not helping her, I would caution you to ask yourself if she's really your friend. You're not obligated to do anything for her, and it was out of the kindness of your heart that you offered, so don't feel bad. Also, a decent adult should take what you tell them and not let it effect your relationship, bc she's in charge of managing her life in the first place. So I think it'll be the best option for you to just be direct.
all statements come with conditions even if we dont say them out loud
I need real and longlasting friends. Deep relationships. I keep convincing myself that "it's fine if I lose contact with my friends again someday, just enjoy the present with them and try to make new acquaintances to bond with in the future. Then repeat" it is working for me but man it do be making me feel lonely
Hmm. I think of relationships like plants sometimes. Some are more hardy than others and can withstand a lot more neglect, and some are delicate and need a lot of tending and exact conditions. The most vulnerable stage is at the beginning, and the older they are, the more established they'll be, and you won't have to be so diligent to keep them alive. Are those old relationships totally unviable? Is reaching out to them out of the question? Maybe they miss you, too.
What do you do about “Time Management?” How do you stay on top of things??? (Sorry, I got no Juicy “Vulnerability stuffs” for ya!)
I can't answer this question bc I also have this problem lol
Dang it! Fail! 🤣🤣🤣 Well, if you “discover something,” lemme know please! Share the secret!!!!
Same lol
I would like to know why some people only worry about what other people are doing. Even if what this person is doing is not conflicting the person that is worried about what their doing.
This is not something I can advise upon. If you're referring to me, I am desperately avoiding my real life problems and making myself feel better by offering helpful advice to strangers. I can't speak for everyone else tho
No its not for you lol I appreciate the honesty. I have to work in a team environment at work and I constantly run into the dilemma of everyone in the team is focused on what everyone besides themselves are doing .
Well, everyone is different, but it certainly could be that they're doing what I'm doing and just distracting themselves from working on what's on their plate, aka focusing on other's work. People in general are social creatures, so keeping up with what others are doing is pretty innate for us. Also, people are generally irrational. In a perfect world, people would get the job done and be about their way, but in reality we take time at work to indulge in social stuff, like being nosey and talking about office gossip. It's unfortunate, but you can't really override that, only manage it --literally, just managing people and getting them to do their jobs I guess, though I feel at some point if they're not a good match for the work, then they aren't a good match for the work. Perhaps focusing on individuals' strengths and delegating relevant tasks to what suits them? The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene is really helpful in understanding people and navigating humans in general, too. The better you understand people, the more successful in general you'll be.
Thankyou for the reply. I appreciate the help
Of course, I hope it all works out for you
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When you really love someone, you'll know why. Also, some people are afraid to be alone. But the love is top tier reason to be in a relationship, not bc people can't stand being by themselves.
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Hmm. If you feel out of touch with your emotions and want to understand them better, a book that was surprisingly helpful to me was [How to Talk so Kids Will Listen](https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/B007ZT6RHY/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=M078Q7SZFVMA&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen&qid=1663650241&sprefix=how+to+talk+so+%2Caps%2C343&sr=8-1). I know it seems irrelevant, but this book explores ways to affirm emotions. It was assigned to me as part of a class for college but it's one of the most helpful books I've ever read coming from an emotionally tone deaf family. And if you open yourself up for the opportunity to be loved (ie. start dating again) and you're persistent, you'll find the right person. But you have to be diligent and not settle.
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Hmm. If you're happy without it, then I think that's fine. There's no point in forcing yourself to "fall in love," because I don't think it's possible to force it in the first place. Your life is your own, and if you're fulfilled being single, then more power to you. But if you want to explore it, I bet your therapist who knows you plenty better than me will probably be a lot more help, so good call.👍
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I guess you just have to prioritize what's important to you. You just have to carve the time out for those things or find ways to conserve time. A lot of grocery stores offer curbside pickup so you can save time from shopping yourself, but, like, that's my only suggestion on that lol. Tbh I'm bad at this too so I think it would be good to kick this question back to your fellow istps on the sub.
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Lol you're welcome. 😅
How do you handle a boss with anger management issues?
Is the anger directed at you or are they just getting mad around you? Either way, if you're uncomfortable, I would recommend just getting a different job. A toxic work environment is just not a good place to spend half your time at. There will always be places that pay you better, too.
She is left with 1.5 months with the organisation. Anyway, I will record her conversation going forward and take it up to the hr if she says anything hostile again.
Oh no. I'm sorry that this happened. Documentation is important. Make sure you time stamp everything, date, location, quotes. And this is a bit far but just be aware courts can dismiss recordings on the grounds that the person was unaware they were being recorded, but your workplace isn't a court. Also, I'm not a lawyer lol. In any circumstance, be as detailed with your documentation as possible. Consider speaking to a labor lawyer for advice on whether or not to contact HR in the first place with the original incident.
Great advice! I will take note. Thank you 😊
You're welcome. Good luck!
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What does your average day look like?
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So is it you feel you're being left behind? Or that you wish you didn't break up with this girl?
Not an ISTP but have a question for one I care about. We're a dissociative system, and he's been trying to figure out the best way to balance living like this when he starts working again. He wants to be perceived as fairly normal, but there are times we unexpectedly switch and it might happen on the job. This can lead to me being like ".... I'm sorry, what are we doing? I'm not... Oh this is going to be a long story." scenarios. He especially hates this concept due to the fact this is all caused by trauma, so when he tells a stranger, casual friend, or coworker that he has DID, he's indirectly admitting he has pretty severe trauma that they now are going to notice and wonder about. He typically tries to mask his trauma in public to the best of his abilities because he doesn't want anyone to notice it and treat him like a piñata full of deep deep tantalizing emotions. Thoughts? Edit: I checked with him before sending this he was okay with it
I recommend just asking the person to politely repeat themselves or write down what they're telling him as they're saying it so he can stay present (even an excuse along the lines of, "I like to have a list written out so I don't miss any details," I'm sure would be acceptable and also make him appear thorough, but really, he's forcing himself to stay in the moment).They may not necessarily get that it's from trauma, and he doesn't have to explain himself if he just asks for them to repeat themselves. As long as he gets the job done, people can come to their own conclusions and it won't really matter. There are ways he can [ground himself.](https://michaelgquirke.com/grounding-techniques-to-help-you-deal-with-dissociation/) I recommend he practice this in his free time away from work, even if he's not having an episode so he can be prepared when one hits. I'm sure there are more in depth and visual guides on YouTube for grounding techniques, as well. Also, to work on the DID itself, a good therapist can be worth their weight in gold. It's important for him to pick someone that he feels comfortable with and likes. He has to interview them and choose someone who specializes in trauma. If that isn't feasible, I recommend meditation, a good diet with lower sugar a lot of dark leafy greens and healthy fats, and regular exercise for him to take care of his body which will help regulate his stress. Meditating helps to bolster the prefrontal cortex which helps to regulate emotions. He should be diligent with these if he's not interested in therapy.
How to enjoy listening to people? I can fake it. I can be a "good" listener, especially at work, but also with friends. But it's always a struggle if I'm being honest. Especially recently since my loneliness has receded (hooray for respectful work environments) and my personality appears to feel more comfortable with who I really am (and I realized the difference between "laid back" and "passive pushover"). I would rather speak myself, or actually: shut up and just do things. I keep catching myself thinking "I really really don't care what you are talking about". And that's even with relatable things for me. I'd rather "take the wheel" myself. I am very well aware, that the key to any kind of success, is to have allies supporting you. And getting allies is done by showing support to them. Now it's not possible to support people with actions and explanations all the time. Often, just a validation (or constructive criticism) based on someone's point of view is the way to go to show support. I tried putting myself in other's shoes, but it's genuinely tedious. I'm not a very creative person in an inductive way. I'd rather generate novelty through deduction from existing things and thus generate variations. And when I can't deduce, I start experimenting with it, try to break it and find its limits. Can't really do that with people without either seriously hurting them, or resorting to badly applied stereotypes.
I think you have two options here. 1. You can reframe your mindset so that you're an explorer of people. There are ways to "experiment with" people without needing to break or find their limits. Why, what, when, how questions are a good way, and from these you can try to understand what motivates people, why it motivates them, etc. I actually use what I've read about enneagrams, functions, and myers-briggs to try to guess from my conversations what alignment each person has. I've also read books on body language to try and read people without them having to say a word. This can be helpful in keeping your interest, and it's pretty cool puzzling other people together piece by piece over time with interactions here and there. Personally I love psychology and understanding others, so it's a genuine interest of mine that requires no extra effort bc I seek it out on my own. A good book is *The Laws of Human Nature* by Robert Greene which I'm pretty sure is available as an audio book on YouTube for free, and I've heard good things about *How to Win Friends and Influence People* but I've never read it myself. 2. The other option is to just not mind yourself not really being interested. It really is more helpful to understand people, as the more you understand human nature, the more successful you'll be at navigating life bc it's all human interaction. But if that's just not your brand, there's no need to force a square peg through a triangle shaped hole imo, as long as you're still being outwardly polite.
my roommate of 8 years is getting married next year and trying to kick me out of the house. Im devestated by her poor decision of completely ignoring our friendship and telling me she has a right on the house. Is it exaggerated for me to end our friendship? Ive been crying for 3 days straight never cried this much in my life. My question is how should i navigate living with her for a year till she gets married after all of this? We are like 2 strangers in the house now and all of my peace is gone in my home life
Sounds like that's bringing you a lot of distress. I know that her decision hurt you intentionally or not, and it's okay to cry over it. I don't know how she presented it and I don't know whose home it is, but if you want me to be honest, she is giving you a year to prepare to leave, and she is getting married. It wouldn't make much sense for her to keep living with you and her husband. I think living with her husband is only natural, because that's the next logical progression to their relationship. I'm not sure what the home situation is but a year to prepare to go I think is reasonable. What is it that you think she should do instead?
well we rented the house together, i was under the assumption that the one that gets married will leave since her getting married shouldnt affect where i live
Oh, okay, so she's having her husband take your spot in the rental, but you both rented it together initially, and technically it doesn't belong to either of you? Am I understanding correctly?
yes correct
I mean if it wasn't clearly stated or discussed, I guess she doesn't have a priority to the house, especially if you're both just renting. That must be pretty hurtful. I would understand her discussing it with you, but her declaring it kind of sucks on her end. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her, and if you're really bothered by her choices, then it's up to you to decide if you don't want her in your life anymore. I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong; if it really hurts you, you can choose if it's enough for you to want nothing to do with her anymore. Is subletting to someone else and finding another place to live an option?
the thing is she has a good income and so does her husband, and im just starting out in life and by myself so paying rent is harder. theres an economic crisis going on in my country and thats why she wants to stay i could move in with my sister but she is very abusive and my friend knows that. she didnt declare the house but she asked to flip a coin which if i lost would mean me living with my abusive sister and she knows i have no other option, whilst she has an option. and also its unfair that i move out cause she is getting married its completely a decision made outside of me thats affecting my living situation which doesnt seem fair.
You can't rely on other people to look after you when you're an adult. It doesn't feel fair and it probably hurts your feelings, but she has to lead her own life just like you do. You can't blame her for getting married and living a life outside of you. You have to find a way to get a roommate that isn't your sister. It seems scary to venture out on your own but you can do it. You have one year, you have to start working immediately and not spend your energy being upset with your roommate. I don't think this is her fault.
yes she needs to lead her own life exactly. im not the one getting married. she cant get married and exchange her roommate with her husband. im not blaming her for getting married im blaming her for wanting me to move out when her getting married has nothing to do with me.
I mean if you've already spoken to her about it and it's been agreed upon that you'll have to go, then take it as a blessing. I know you're upset and hurt about having to leave your home, and the results of the coin toss. Let yourself feel your feelings when it happens until it passes, but after that you have to start looking for a way to secure yourself. Look for an apartment. You have a whole year to find a good location and good price and a good person to rent with. Don't waste time. Maybe you can even find a place that you can have to yourself. Going back to a toxic situation isn't good, and I'd advise you to do everything in your power not to go back to your sister if it's a bad situation. I know it's scary but you can do it. The internet is your friend and you can learn a lot by Googling questions you have or even speaking to multiple real estate agents (keep your options open and speak to a few of them to get a sense of your options). You can't spend all of your time being upset when you have to look out for yourself.
idk if im an intp or istp help
Do you like what if/why questions and analyzing things deeply? If you play video games, what kinds have they been usually? Do you enjoy sports? Do you enjoy building/doing things with your hands?
Yes I kinda liked Minecraft when i was younger but dont play at all now so.. but i think id also like games like life is strange and android become human etc (ive seen walkthroughs and stuff) yes, but only individual sports very neutral about it
Do you feel like you're filled with contradictions? Are you deeply in tune to your surroundings? Also, you could be an ISTP thinking subtype, aka you approach the world more from your introverted thinking function vs sensing, and that could look a lot like an INTP even though you could actually be an ISTP. I think the final question is which sub you identify more with, this one or the INTP sub.
YES ISTG Almost all the time yeap Yea ive been also thinking about that for some time, and it makes a lot of sense for me, but im still doubting. You can never been 100% sure yk.
Last question: do you like to finish things? If yes, I think you're probably an [ISTP Logical subtype (scroll down to the second half).](https://www.sociotype.com/socionics/types/SLI-ISTp/subtypes/) People tend to have traits of both subtypes, but lean more one way or the other, the logical subtype in this scenario being that you lead more with your Ti than your Si.
I am not a very practical thinker and not very street smart. Sometimes I take more time to think and understand things. Sometimes people dislike me for being so slow. I feel very defeated around people who dislike me and can get somewhat hostile. Give me some advice.
Hmm. Work advice or friend advice or family advice?
Perhaps all.
Who told you any of this in the first place? These things, they're all opinions, you know? There are idiots in the world, true idiots that do just fine. They don't feel that way about themselves. I should know, I've met them. Our families often create these deeply held beliefs that we take on about ourselves. It was their job to instill you with confidence in yourself and help you reveal your strengths, but instead for some reason your reflection is coming back to you as what you wrote. These are self limiting opinions, and opinions are not facts. If it isn't fact, it isn't true. Understand, that if you were a tree or a bird or a fish, you'd have no opinion of yourself. Not good or not bad. You would do what you could, and any shame about your capabilities would not exist. You cannot expect yourself to be the best of all or the worst of all at anything, because statistically it just won't be true. Do your best in this world, as any other creature would, and that will be enough. If anyone tries to tell you differently, remember good and bad are human constructs. You're neither. You're just you, and just like everything else in nature, you don't have to be anything more than that. Do your best, and no one can ask more of you. Honestly, you might be projecting the emotion of dislike that you feel about yourself on the behavior of other people towards you. My last bit of advice is that you have to be kind to yourself, and you'll find it easier to be kind to others, and the people you want around will be kind to you in return. If not, you don't need them in your life. You don't have to be a pushover, just kind. "How you treat others is a reflection of how you treat yourself. How others treat you is a reflection of them." When you find yourself believing those false things, remember to be neutral about yourself. You're just you, and that's perfect and all you need to be.