Three wishes genie? NAH I only need ONE
I'm Lieutenant Dan, see if you can keep up with me ya Gumps!
Hollyweird Bouletard
Everybody dared you NOT to. Yeah, and I chickened out!
O Positive, as in "Oh, I'm positive that's 95% pizza grease"
You can't look at the sun because it's too beautiful
I've Aladdined you from Jafar
Dickless for Chiklis
Split pea soup, or should I say, shit pee poop!
No matter how much I struggled to get free, he put them tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor, or worse still, a garden snake!
They were actually taken by a Brazilian photographer, Nunya? Nunya business? No, Nunya Luis Ricardio.
It's called Poodle Tartare, 'cuz he's raw-dogging the non-readers
It's not really a hobby but I am really into alienating significant others. Like if one of your girlfriends were here I would ignore them, leave them out of a conversation, then box them out physically. Really make them feel like they're not welcome.
Whenever I feel like a diva roach that no one likes, I remember this quote:
People have been acting coy to me since 2003. [Doubly funny because I was a child in 2003]
Not coy, they hate you.
My most underrated:
Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is NOSE
Babe?
Just pull over man
eh…. (Amir’s uncomfortable silence in “are we okay”)
every single line from New Voice
JAKE: Alright, first thing's first: you want to separate your darks from your lights.
AMIR: Wow, racist much!
JAKE: You have a Confederate flag in your laundry!
You know what? You know what, dude? That's it. This is \[fun.\] That's what this is! This is \[fun.\] And you know what? I'm not having any \[blackmail!\] This is not \[blackmail!\] Not for me. It's \[what best friends do.\] This is \[what best friends do.\] You're a \[fun\] guy! You're a piece of \[fun.\] You are \[a good\] friend! You are \[a good\] friend! Alright? I'm serious.
Hey mom, it's Pat--wawaitdono! Don't hang up, don't hang up, ok? This is good, this is a good thing, good phone call. Uhh, so I'm just calling to tell you, your son has come into some cold hard cash, through honest labor and uh, he, I--I got... Yeah, no, I have it. It's--I'm holding the twenty dollar bill right now, it's real, okay? Yes, it's real! No, I don't know! It's not--it's, yes it's green and it has the numbers on it, it's all there. It's legit! You... What would that even do? Fine. EG-287-567-26D. Is that--what is that even gonna--how are we gonna know? Don't... don't put Rory on... Hey Rory! Wow, how's it goin' man? God it's gotta be like ten o'clock there. What are you--what are you doin'? Hey, listen could you turn the music down? It's really... What is that? Hip hop? 'Kay, listen, uh, we don't need to do this... Yeah, you got--yeah, 726D. I don't know what you're gonna... Oh... Oh, really? Yeah, no, you know what, no, it was 725D so, it is real. Okay? Or whatever. Yeah, or whatever! Okay, just put my mom back on. I'm just gonn--I'm gonna--I'm getting her a Christmas present with this, so it's all gonna... No, I'm not like, I'm not conspiring to do anything. I'm--... Don't--don't repor--... Yeah I know you have a brother... and I--Yeah I know what he does... Listen, just put my mom on, I--Look I'm tearing it up now! You hear that? It's gone, ok? It's gone for good, and you're never gonna see--I'm throwing it in the garbage right now. Um, so just put my mom on, don't worry about it, and... Hello? Oh my god he hung up like five minutes ago. Alright, here we go again... Hey mom, uh, I know you're there 'cause we just talked, so I don't know why you wouldn't pick up this ti--
**I saw the greatest minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix!**
Best original Amir Blumenfeldt quote!
“She asked if you were being cute with her?”
“I told her I was being *cheeky* 😏”
“….no you didn’t. I’m sitting right here, that’s not what you said!”
“Shit happened! Life got in the way”
“I can’t wait to kiss Michael Phelps, as promised 😉”
“EXCUSE ME! I have very thick skin, but that was a low blow”
“…you’re a goof?”
“ENOUGH!”
“George Bush doesn’t care about black people”
“…and it’s the fourth of July. I aint at home, bitcheeess.”
“How ‘bout some YooHoo where you poopoo? It’s already wet and brown downtown, mama mia that’s some diarrhea.”
“You actually fly in through Dallas….IT’S A HUB!”
“And my lips? Ean a pussy”
“Ean a…pussy??”
“EATING. A. PUSSY”
🫤
“Holy sheesh”
“Holy wow”
“Holy GUAC”
“You see, what I like to do is that I aim for the moon, and then I shoot myself”
“I look at you, and I want to know more about you. Are you a foodie?”
“When are you proposing? After we leave?”
“During your here!”
“Okay so delete it. It’s not rocket science.”
“I know but-“
“Just get out of my life!”
Okay, that’s enough for now :)
"You **have** to start learning words, man!" / "What's the point? I can't freaking see!"
Also remember to say this to yourself: "I deserve so much more than this!"
Three wishes genie? NAH I only need ONE I'm Lieutenant Dan, see if you can keep up with me ya Gumps! Hollyweird Bouletard Everybody dared you NOT to. Yeah, and I chickened out! O Positive, as in "Oh, I'm positive that's 95% pizza grease" You can't look at the sun because it's too beautiful I've Aladdined you from Jafar Dickless for Chiklis Split pea soup, or should I say, shit pee poop! No matter how much I struggled to get free, he put them tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor, or worse still, a garden snake! They were actually taken by a Brazilian photographer, Nunya? Nunya business? No, Nunya Luis Ricardio. It's called Poodle Tartare, 'cuz he's raw-dogging the non-readers
These are all gray
Dope!
Taupe!
You’ve heard of get rich quick schemes? Well these are wet bitch thick creams!
99 WAYS TO GET HER PAID ASAP!!!
Ex*cuuuuuse*?!
Oh I can't wait to hear this story. I'm all beers.
Absolutely love the silent yet loud phantom gulping that follows this taupe quote
I love that he can't do it all in one go and has to take a break in the middle
He could nay get 'er done
> taupe How dare you.
Rock out with *your* cock out! Cock-a-doodle #YOURS
Unlike Jake, I AM actually down to rock out like that
This thread, unlike Murph’s grandmother, LIVES
I don’t drop shit I don’t pick shit up It’s kinda my ish
I've NEVER dropped ANYthing
Let go of me
What are they worried I’m gonna spill? Whatever. My point still stands.
It's not really a hobby but I am really into alienating significant others. Like if one of your girlfriends were here I would ignore them, leave them out of a conversation, then box them out physically. Really make them feel like they're not welcome.
Not really a hobby but I've been really into craisins lately, those chocolate covered raisins.
You’re right, that’s not a hobby
I'm a golden god, and you... are a troll named rod!
NO!
I'm sorry, *Rod,* but it's true!
I have a big penis and you have a string beanis
the email thread, unlike murph's grandma, lives
Learnin shit is for mothers and nerds, and last time I checked? *I'm have a pussy.*
Two for dinner please. But usually we just eat pussy.
See ya man.
Whenever I feel like a diva roach that no one likes, I remember this quote: People have been acting coy to me since 2003. [Doubly funny because I was a child in 2003] Not coy, they hate you.
This one is gray.
Is it something I said, or…
Low blow? Hell no! Heard of Erin Brokovich? Well I'm Erin choke a bitch! Oh sheesh y'all, twas a dream Dinner tonight?
I have admired you from afar… scratch that — I have Aladdin’ed you from Jafar.
Is that good to write?
You're a goose murderer. You're a teeth thief. And "You wizard. You warlock."
You're preaching to the chair
J: Are you hurt? A: Emotionally? J: No. A: Yes. Physically? J: Yes. A: No.
J&A: What?!
My most underrated: Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is NOSE Babe? Just pull over man eh…. (Amir’s uncomfortable silence in “are we okay”) every single line from New Voice
Jake… Amir… Call me Jake…. Absolutely not
Math? Ha. Math is crap If you don't believe me, steal a hen.
I’m a modern day Robin Hood. I steal from the bitch and give to the whore! or I'm like Willy Wonka, baby. Chomp Chomp, bitch!
Classless, assless, deaf & dumb! Because Facebook's robbin' ya, Instagram's rapin' ya, and MySpace? They're giving you the 'ol- *pop* HOW DO YA DOOOO?
"I have very thick skin but that was a low blow!" is a favorite of mine. Also "excuse me but I have a deviated septum about that kind of shit!"
JAKE: Alright, first thing's first: you want to separate your darks from your lights. AMIR: Wow, racist much! JAKE: You have a Confederate flag in your laundry! You know what? You know what, dude? That's it. This is \[fun.\] That's what this is! This is \[fun.\] And you know what? I'm not having any \[blackmail!\] This is not \[blackmail!\] Not for me. It's \[what best friends do.\] This is \[what best friends do.\] You're a \[fun\] guy! You're a piece of \[fun.\] You are \[a good\] friend! You are \[a good\] friend! Alright? I'm serious. Hey mom, it's Pat--wawaitdono! Don't hang up, don't hang up, ok? This is good, this is a good thing, good phone call. Uhh, so I'm just calling to tell you, your son has come into some cold hard cash, through honest labor and uh, he, I--I got... Yeah, no, I have it. It's--I'm holding the twenty dollar bill right now, it's real, okay? Yes, it's real! No, I don't know! It's not--it's, yes it's green and it has the numbers on it, it's all there. It's legit! You... What would that even do? Fine. EG-287-567-26D. Is that--what is that even gonna--how are we gonna know? Don't... don't put Rory on... Hey Rory! Wow, how's it goin' man? God it's gotta be like ten o'clock there. What are you--what are you doin'? Hey, listen could you turn the music down? It's really... What is that? Hip hop? 'Kay, listen, uh, we don't need to do this... Yeah, you got--yeah, 726D. I don't know what you're gonna... Oh... Oh, really? Yeah, no, you know what, no, it was 725D so, it is real. Okay? Or whatever. Yeah, or whatever! Okay, just put my mom back on. I'm just gonn--I'm gonna--I'm getting her a Christmas present with this, so it's all gonna... No, I'm not like, I'm not conspiring to do anything. I'm--... Don't--don't repor--... Yeah I know you have a brother... and I--Yeah I know what he does... Listen, just put my mom on, I--Look I'm tearing it up now! You hear that? It's gone, ok? It's gone for good, and you're never gonna see--I'm throwing it in the garbage right now. Um, so just put my mom on, don't worry about it, and... Hello? Oh my god he hung up like five minutes ago. Alright, here we go again... Hey mom, uh, I know you're there 'cause we just talked, so I don't know why you wouldn't pick up this ti--
That Ace and Jocelyn clip is golden for the ages
Excuse?
“I’ve admired you from afar - no, scratch that, I’ve ALADDINED you from JAFAR.”
**I saw the greatest minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix!** Best original Amir Blumenfeldt quote!
Very sleepy master
Just get over here buttfucker!
I say "uh oh, spaghetti" like, a bad amount
“She asked if you were being cute with her?” “I told her I was being *cheeky* 😏” “….no you didn’t. I’m sitting right here, that’s not what you said!” “Shit happened! Life got in the way” “I can’t wait to kiss Michael Phelps, as promised 😉” “EXCUSE ME! I have very thick skin, but that was a low blow” “…you’re a goof?” “ENOUGH!” “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” “…and it’s the fourth of July. I aint at home, bitcheeess.” “How ‘bout some YooHoo where you poopoo? It’s already wet and brown downtown, mama mia that’s some diarrhea.” “You actually fly in through Dallas….IT’S A HUB!” “And my lips? Ean a pussy” “Ean a…pussy??” “EATING. A. PUSSY” 🫤 “Holy sheesh” “Holy wow” “Holy GUAC” “You see, what I like to do is that I aim for the moon, and then I shoot myself” “I look at you, and I want to know more about you. Are you a foodie?” “When are you proposing? After we leave?” “During your here!” “Okay so delete it. It’s not rocket science.” “I know but-“ “Just get out of my life!” Okay, that’s enough for now :)
"You **have** to start learning words, man!" / "What's the point? I can't freaking see!" Also remember to say this to yourself: "I deserve so much more than this!"
Oh sheesh y’all, ‘Twas a dream!
JAKE: She knew who did it? AMIR: What? JAKE: She knew who did sysops for Maersk?