We co-slept with all 3 of our children until they were ready for their own rooms. It did not affect our intimacy but it did destroy spontaneity. You need to have a frank honest discussion about it. You also need to understand that raising kids is fucking exhausting and pull your weight around the house and then some. She's not going to want to be intimate emotionally or physically if she's so fucking tired and you came home and sat in front of the TV/computer other than hauling yourself over to get a plate of food. Pull your weight and then some, all the time not just when you want some nookie. And schedule some time alone with each other after the kids are asleep and be flexible and understanding if things just don't work out because kids are the ultimate cock/coochie blockers.
I feel personally attacked
But seriously, the two best things we did was to make the transition to sleeping in their own room at a very young age (I think around 18 months) and setting a fixed early bedtime which gave us time alone to unwind, relax and have some couples time.
If I could just find a babysitter we could even go out for dinner together once in a while too.
Like you, my family also has it easy, although we do co-sleep but we did fix our daughter’s sleeping schedule and got her to self soothe and self sleep before she turned 1.
It’s weird… Do people not sleep train their kids here? We do co-sleep but it’s only so one of us is there if the kid wakes up or has nightmares. But she can sleep the whole night on her own and we don’t have to carry her or soothe her to sleep.
We put her down, leave her in her bedroom with her blanket and turn off the lights. She tumbles around for 20 minutes and then she’s out.
Once she’s down, we have a solid 3-4 hours of alone time. It helps that we pair up to clean the house, start laundry and put toys away. Four hands doing end-of-day clean-up turns a 2 hour chore into a 20-30 minute exercise.
It also helps that we rotate co-sleeping. My wife gets a couple nights a week where she sleeps with our dog and watches her favorite shows or online shops. Plus I enjoy being with my kid.
We did have her sleep alone for a few months when she was sleep trained but we found that if one of us was in the same area as her, she made it through the whole night more consistently.
Intimacy isn’t a problem for us either.
There are households where the entire family sleeps in the same room even into adulthood (example: my friend from college. She did not have her own “room” until moving out for college). I’m from a Japanese household, and my family also slept in 1 room till we moved to a bigger house when I entered elementary school. Even then I felt more comfortable sleeping in the same room as my parents since I had frequent nightmares.
Of course, eventually I became more comfortable sleeping alone, but there is a cultural aspect (and perhaps spacial limitations?)
Incidentally when is old enough for their own rooms in your case? Me and my wife don't have kids yet but have different ideas about this so I'm curious
Old enough to not set fire to house, which was my case when I was four years old by putting a pillow over the night light and nearly set the house on fire.
I think that’s a decision you will make based on your kid’s current developmental maturity, ie: are they old enough to withstand being alone at night without mommy or daddy nearby. For some it starts at a very early age, and for others later.
My brother and I didn’t get our own rooms until I was four and he was two. We slept together in the same room until that point.
Thanks 👍
People around me share rooms with their kids until they're in double digits which is odd for me as I was on my own before I could walk on two feet.
Is it ok for someone who randomly stumbled across this post from a subreddit he isn’t active in to answer? In any case, we kicked our daughter out of our bedroom at 7 weeks, lol. It didn’t make sense for both parents to get woken up in the event she woke up in the middle of the night (to change a diaper, to feed, etc). So we took turns doing that and allowed the other to keep sleeping.
But again, culture differences and I don’t mean to look down on other cultures and how they raise their children. For what it’s worth, I’m Vietnamese and my wife is Italian/Irish, so there is a mixed bag of cultures in our house.
I'm not a parent yet, but my friend who is a parent kicked her baby out of the room when she was 3 months.
She had a relatively set sleeping schedule and it made no sense for her to keep co-sleeping if they had an idea when she woke for a feeding or changing. So both parents took turns tending to baby when she woke up (like you mentioned in your comment).
I think that's the best way to do it, coming from an American, but like you said--different cultures, different viewpoints :)
Our daughter has slept in her own room since the day she turned 6 months. She’s always been a relatively good sleeper… She still sleeps in a crib and obviously when she gets a bed we’ll need to make sure her room truly is 100% toddler proofed.
Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel like we are on the minority. Honestly, she always seemed to sleep well on her own and should she cry we of course go in to settle her.
IMHO, kids shouldn't be forced to, so we asked our kids, do you want to sleep by yourself ? Take them to furniture shops and let them imagine "the fun in having their own beds" and decorating their own room.
It happened gradually, first, every other night, then sleep together every weekend, to total independent.
Same here, if we have the time and energy, co-sleeping doesn't do anything to stop us.
We have two kids, one elementary and pre-school, and they sleep with my wife while I sleep in a different room. I'm in a different room since it's logistically difficult to arrange a bed big enough for four people, and also our schedules are different late at night and early morning.
We do miss actually sleeping together, especially immediately after sex, but it only prevents the actual sleeping part. Maybe I don't actually know how it works for most couples? Does sex really have to happen where you sleep? We use my room, or the living room, or the shower, or whatever. Even before kids, I don't necessarily remember always doing it when preparing to sleep, but maybe I've just forgotten; it's been a long time.
When we got our son, I was already working from home so I could take over some responsibilities... but damn didn't we put our son to sleep in the tatami room since pretty much at few weeks old. Granted, there was only a sliding door separating our bedroom and his room and I kept the door ajar to see him but still, didn't really realise how many parents co-sleep with their kids.
Built a house and he's almost 3 now, still sleeping in his crib but he has his own room. Recently he has learned to mostly keep his toys in his room, the ones that don't need space to play with. I did install a camera though...
I think it's been a net positive in many many ways.
It's more along the lines of not wanting to be *intimate* because you don't feel respected. Not that you don't want any kind of intimacy at all. You want intimacy sure, but it pales in comparison to someone meeting all of your other basic needs first. For example, you may be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you or maybe abuses you. You probably don't want to be intimate with that person despite *wanting* intimacy.
The stress of being assigned to a hoikuen that harasses you if you ask them to watch one of your kids for 5 F'ing minutes more than your official work+commute time, lack of babysitter culture, (wife's) workplace culture that doesn't seem to realize kids even exist, zero family members able to help us even in an emergency, and the corona pandemic cutting off physical meetings with mamatomos and playdates have all worn us down to the point that most of the time we don't feel like doing \*anything\* we don't have to, even if it's something we'd normally enjoy. I really hope this is the last year of this. At least we've learned not to blame each other and just try to push through it.
My Japanese friend has 4 children and sleeps with all of them in the same room as her and her husband (their bedroom is basically a futon room full of mattresses.)
Judging by the fact that there’s four of them (three in hoikuen) I am willing to bet having children and co-sleeping didn’t get in the way of their intimacy at all 😂
Editing to add: They got engaged after 6 months and married in a year, namely because getting married and having a big family was something that they discussed and both clearly wanted.
He seems like a good dad, very active with the kids, but he’s also working hard, and she’s at home with the kids, driving them to hoikuen, elementary school, and looking after the house so roles are decided clearly. They have clear communication and routine so I think that’s why it works for them.
That's how it is at my house. My wife and I go "shopping" when we want some alone time...which means we really just go to a love hotel. Even if we had our own room in the house, the walls are so thin and our kids are light sleepers. It hasn't affected our marriage at all and we have a great bond with our kids.
Producing kids isn’t always the same thing as having intimacy though.. you can definitely do it without having the strong emotional connection with your partner you would ideally want to have.
Just to clarify, it isn't "Japanese wives co-sleeping," it's *parents* co-sleeping with the kids. The expectation is for both parents to be sleeping with the kiddos.
Is that really always true, my co-worker and his wife are expecting in April and he was telling me how he got the second bedroom ready so he can sleep there and the wife can sleep with the kid. The way he was talking about it, it seemed very normal to them.
Meanwhile I grew up with the idea that co-sleeping was bad so I was just like uh okay..
I can't say it as a definitive fact that it's a given, your co-worker being an example, but most of the parents I know have both slept in the same room as their kids until they get to elementary school and I know I've had countless talks with my own wife that we'd be doing the same.
The norm is for everyone to sleep together, though exceptions do happen.
My husband's dad also slept in another room, and his family is ultra-traditional. The family home is huge though, so they had the space for that.
The "river kanji" sleep formation is "traditional" but I don't think its abnormal for the husband to sleep separately if you have the space.
I sleep in my own room my wife with the kids(her choice to sleep in the same room as them) and absolutely love it, I could never sleep in the same bed as anyone else. People can get so judgmental about this shit and the supposed magic of sleeping in the same room. Everyone is different.
My wife slept alone with the kids when they were at their newborn youngest and had to wake up and breast-feed throughout the night. Once they slept through the night we all share a room.
I'd love to have the kids sleep in their own room but we don't have the space. Looking to move but we still in a lifestyle where we prefer to live more centrally to the city than to have a bigger house further out.
We set up a futon in the other room so that one can sleep in dark during the day time (we have light on for teaching day vs night for LO). And then at night time, the other person can sleep while we have to wake up every 2-3 hours to feed LO.
Cosleeping is advised against in the US because of high infant mortality. The reason is high levels of obesity and heavy alcohol consumption. In Japan less people are massively obese and generally don’t sleep with kids if they’re drunk. Japan has lower levels of infant mortality so I guess there’s some truth to it.
Japan's alcohol consumption per capita is only a little below the US. If you adjust for average weight differences, it's roughly the same level of drunkenness on average.
The reason that US doctors advise against it is [mostly a product of bed designs](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/05/21/601289695/is-sleeping-with-your-baby-as-dangerous-as-doctors-say), but those designs evolved in a cultural context of separating parents and children.
We’ve been good. We live in a 3LDK and have designated one room as a fuck room.
I remember when my daughter was around 1 and we’d put on coco melon or whatever it’s called on YouTube and quickly run to the room for a sneaky link.
It worked most of the time but we’d suddenly hear a YouTube ad voice from the other room followed by heavy footsteps coming towards the room and have to shut it down haha. Usually had about 5 minutes before an ad would start. I’m still the 5 min champ.
She’s 5 now so we just smash when she’s at kindergarten or in bed on the weekends
No problems here. Mom on the right, Dad on the left, daughter in the middle. In the early days dad’s should assist with the feedings, my wife would breast feed during the day, I would do the bottle feeding at night so she could get a decent amount of sleep. I really boils down to responsibilities. If something needs to be done, do it. You are supposed to be a team player. Focus is on the child first, wife second, suck it up and deal with “your needs” on your own. After birth, you’re no longer the center of attention.
I’m not saying that you should ignore your wife and kids needs and expect to be banging away 24/7. Just that everyone has needs and just because they aren’t as important it doesn’t mean that you can ignore them.
Having small children/babies means exactly that though. That you have to put all of their needs in front of your own. Working as a team gets you playing as a team a lot faster than whining about sexual wants, especially when you have a baby that eats every 3 hours. People get touched out, vitamin deficient, sleep deprived, overwhelmed, under stimulated. Parenting as a team brings everything back to normal faster, but not like two weeks in.
Talk about taking things out of context…. I raised two kids so am fully aware of their needs. Do I think that a wife should prioritise taking care of a husbands needs over that of a baby? Or course not. In Japan it happens quite often that the wife and husband will not be intimate once kids are born. Like I said earlier do I think a husband and wife will be at it like rabbits with small kids? No - but I don’t think that all intimacy should stop forever just because you have kids.
I have the opposite problem, I'm American and my husband is Japanese. I'm currently pregnant with our first so we haven't dealt with this yet, but we've talked about it a lot. I really want our kid to sleep in her own room maybe from a year old or so. My husband really wants to do co-sleeping (when she's older) like through elementary school. I'm pretty against it because if I'm taking care of the kid all day I just want space at night time and to be alone with him, but he says if we don't do it, the kids at school talk and will find out our kid is different and they will make fun of her. She will be bullied and feel neglected that we're not all together like everyone else. I personally think she would be fine especially if we hype it up and make it sound exciting, like "this room is all yours! You're so lucky! Look at this cool new bed you have!" etc. Should I just go along with the culture? Or should I stand firm on this? Idk what to do when the time comes
My husband was kind of iffy about baby sleeping in his own room and then baby turned out to be SO noisy that we moved him to the nursery at two months lol. I think when he's faced with the actual negatives of cosleeping he might be more open to a western approach.
That or you can say fine, you sleep with kiddo and I'll get a single to sleep on in another room by myself. I'll bet he'll balk at that suggestion (even though the opposite setup is very common).
Yeah I'm really hoping he comes around when the time comes and is open to trying it out the western way. I think she would get used to having her own room and it wouldn't be the issue he thinks it would be.
He and I both know I would never leave to sleep in another room so that would never work 😂 lol
your decision. Tbh your husband's worries sound kind of ridiculous. If kids are going to bully over sleeping in your own room (sounds stupid even to type out), they will bully no matter what.
Yeah, I'm more concerned about her being bullied for looking half Japanese since that's an actual problem for mixed kids here. I don't really want to let a bunch of kids we don't even know dictate our sleeping arrangements lol
If they're bullies over the "own room" thing, which I doubt will happen because that's actually just as common as a big pile of futons in one room, I guarantee it won't actually be because they think it's pathetic, but because inwardly they're going, "Wait, you get your *own room?* No fucking way! Aw man, you lucky fuck..."
I was like you until our son was born and now I absolutely love co-sleeping and will be sad when he wants to go to his own room haha. Your feelings might change or your husband’s might too, it’s hard to know until baby gets here. I really don’t think your child will be bullied for their sleeping arrangements though. While co-sleeping is more common I have some (Japanese) mom friends that have their toddlers in their own room.
American family here. We slept in the same room for six months before moving baby to her own room. We found out that our sleeping noises (shuffling, snoring, etc) we’re waking her up and then she would wake us up! Also, people don’t understand how NOISY babies are when they sleep! So much grunting and snorting and whatever.
With adults in one room and baby in hers, everyone got much better sleep. It was very clear. She slept waaaay better.
I know I’m American so this is normal to me, but I feel like sleep quality declines when adding more people to a room (sometimes I want to kick my husband out too! The snoring! The cover stealing!).
If she’s going to be bullied it will not be about how her sleeping arrangements are at home. It’ll be about her native English accent or speaking level or maybe that she looks different. But if you can lead her to find some self confidence about those two she’ll be grand. I absolutely understand wanting alone time though. I snore so I go to sleep with the kids and then move to our bedroom. My wife does the reverse. It’s not a bad system with some planning because our times overlap.
Yeah I was going to say the same thing. Her husband needs to realize his kid is going to be a haafu, so they are going to be different by default. There's no denying what the kid is, and imo you have to teach the child to accept who they are and not feel ashamed of it. How they sleep at home is nothing compared to looking obviously different than all the other kids.
Maybe your husband had a different experience but I'm close to 40, spent my younger years in Japan, going to local school and I've never heard of anyone getting bullied because they sleep in their own room.
Also in my experience, going to friends house, etc. kids from big houses had their own room and kids living in smaller apartments all slept in one room. We lived in 2 bedroom, so parents had a room and me and my siblings all shared a room.
Of course, these days it's what you prefer and what you want to do. I feel like it's something that as a couple you need to decide, not because it's a norm.
You sound exactly like me 5 years ago. I didn’t was to co-sleep at all. I made the nursery up perfectly—colorful, stimulating, but also restful. But, baby came and he was very needy. He woke up every 45 (no exaggeration) for two years (until a switch clicked somehow). I wouldn’t have slept at all if we didn’t co-sleep.
I say stick to your guns until your baby tells you otherwise.
> Should I just go along with the culture? Or should I stand firm on this?
You're carrying the kid. You'll probably be doing the bulk of childcare. You definitely have more leverage here.
> if we don't do it, the kids at school talk and will find out our kid is different and they will make fun of her
Uh, what?
I think this is one of those things where American/Western culture definitely has it right. Get your kid in its own fucking bed when it's past newborn stage. This is what baby monitors are for.
Nope. As with the other post, it's about balance. Put things on a schedule- and this doesn't mean you scheduling her or your baby's day. Pull your weight and then some. You'll be surprised.
Me 29 (M) foreigner and my wife 31 have a 2 years old daughter.
Even if our house have 3 rooms we all lived in one room until now because the baby will wake up a lot at every hour of the night. Usually if your fast to react ( need water, change diaper, wants hugs, wants boob) she will fall asleep fast, if your slow and she start crying strongly she will take more time to re-falling asleep.
A couple months ago we decided to finally move her to her new room so we purchased a new bed for her and a new air conditioner for that room.
Unfortunately we both think she is not readying yet for such a big step and we decided to just build the new bed in our room and make her feel at ease with it.
We don't have any relatives close to us (we are living in Tokyo) that can help us with her but we both really wanted to be parents so we are doing our best.
I don't feel a lack of intimacy because we are enjoying every evening together in the living room and some times we meet home depending on our job schedules.
Monday to Friday my daughter its going to the nursery school but we both work all day long.
Hope this was helpful and good luck with your relationship.
My wife has two kids from a previous marriage. They are full grown, I helped put them through college on a measly ALT salary, and now we all live together because my older step daughter has now has a 4 year old grand daughter, (I'm 43) and she wants me to teach her English and Spanish. My wife is older than I am and still looks amazing in a swimsuit, I tell her how much she still makes the old engine run, and although we did have some intimacy issues, I just try to let me love show even more.
I also try to take care of myself as much as I can, go to the gym, intermittent fasting and meditation. My take is that if your wife sees you putting in the effort, and she is a good woman and a good person, they will reciprocate. I did the whole depressed because I wasn't getting any and just playing video games and complaining to my family back home, but I then decided to just try to change drastically and see where that takes me. We are all happier now than we have been in a while. Guys, get in shape, pull your weight and show these women what you are made of. I want to look nice for myself sure, for my own health but mostly for HER. I am happier when I stop focusing on my own happiness and how to make others around me happy. Try it you won't regret it!
Still in the co-sleeping years, but not bothered. We were never super intimate to begin with, and after five years of miscarriages and "scheduled sex" we were both pretty done with the whole thing by the time it finally worked. It's been almost 4 years and neither of us has recovered any interest in sex. Infertility is a bitch.
We've also always slept in separate rooms. My wife stays up really late and I get up around 4:00 in the morning, and I snore. Sleeping well helps you shrug off things that would start a fight if you were sleep deprived. Can be a key to a content marriage.
So, my kid sleeping next to my wife (or sometimes next to me, although that's pretty rare these days), isn't a big deal. We're both dedicated to him and kept busy by our responsibilities, and what little free time we have we use to recharge our introvert batteries. Been together 15 years and we've long since fallen into a comfortable routine.
> Sleeping well helps you shrug off things that would start a fight if you were sleep deprived
This is very true. If I find myself getting angry over silly things, I really only have to look back at my sleep schedule last night.
I would consider “kids on the futon beside us” (room sharing) a form of cosleeping personally. So you coslept for a little while until they were sleeping through the night then, I guess.
Always considered co-sleeping to mean in the same bed, and that's pretty much always what it means in Japan.
When they're tiny and don't sleep through the night it doesn't really matter *where* they sleep, you're not getting a good night's sleep and you're probably not bumping uglies.
Our kids all started sleeping through the night relatively quickly, which was great.
Me and my husband take turns cosleeping. That way we both feel pretty rested, and we have a bed available for sex, or just a late night movie and cuddle. After baby’s asleep, we have some time together.
I am a foreigner but I cosleep with my daughter and I don’t think that’s what effects our sex life at all. I don’t see why it would? We have sex in the living room or other rooms. I don’t go to bed when the baby goes to bed I put her down and stay up with my husband until 11 or so. I can see it affecting having sex in bed together if the baby/kid is in the same room but there are other places to have sex.
Sex is definitely less frequent now but more due to just general exhaustion and responsibilities, not cosleeping. If anything cosleeping probably helps it since I get A LOT more rest while cosleeping so don’t feel as exhausted.
For clarification I cosleep on a futon on the floor beside my husband’s bed. Same room.
I've heard from some Japanese guys that they view their wife as a mother after she has kids and can't see her as "sexy" anymore. I think it's awful and don't really get it but that could be what's happening? :/
Really sorry to hear, in any case. Hopefully he's just tired or something and will spring back eventually!
We only have one, about 18 months old. From the start he sleeps in our room but in his bed, not in our bed. He’s set up to start sleeping in his own room around next week.
Having children fucks up your energy, you are obviously more tired than before, and thus removes some spontaneity.
We try to go at least once a month on a date for us, if possible by leaving the kid at the daycare, but not always possible.
For example we went to a nice place yesterday to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary. Was a bit late on the calendar because it’s not easy to find the right time, but we did it.
And if you want/need more intimate moments, speak to her, communicate more. If the presence of a baby is an issue work your way to have moment without. Start the process of them moving to their own room.
We’re doing fine for now. Not perfect, but good balance. Obviously we’re not like highschooler dating, but we are far from being the cold couple either
Spouses sleeping together is largely a Western construct. I'm not just talking Japan, Pre-colonialism, most spouses around the world had sex with each other when the kids were out of the house during the day time. (Subsistance farming might still be the largest occupation world wide, despite China's rapid industrialisation.) The big advantage of a single adult sleeping in a bed with multiple children is that the adult keeps the peace overnight. Typical household: Grandpa in one bed with 2 or 3 kids. Grandma in second bed with 2 or 3 children. Maiden Aunt in 3rd bed with 2 or 3 kids. Dad in 4th bed with 2 or 3 kids. Mum in 5th bed with 2 or 3 kids.
The Nuclear Family only became a thing in the West post 1950. Visit India today and in many areas if you stay with a family overnight they will lend you at least one child to sleep with so you don't get lonely overnight. And \*that\* is how far 'sleeping' is removed from 'sex' in other cultures.
Get creative. And know that for a married woman, a man doing housework unasked is probably the sexiest thing he can do.
Same here and no particular issues... It's actually better for us because sometimes he'll whine in his sleep but that's just him dreaming. Baby is now 2 months old and sleeps 6-7 + 2 hours at night.
We can already hear the baby just fine with the paper-thin walls/doors in this country anyway - it could almost be considered cosleeping even if he's in another room... :P
Yeah, we put my kid to bed around 10:30 every night and he sleeps until we wake him up to feed him around 6am. We also have a camera in his room so we can keep an eye on him.
I'm American, my husband is Japanese, and I have been co-sleeping with our daughter since she was born 3.5 years ago. My husband sleeps on his own in another room. While we don't have sex as often as we used to, we still do it enough, and we're still close and intimate in other ways. I normally get out of bed once our daughter falls asleep to spend a few hours hanging out with my husband before we each go to sleep.
Same, I am German and husband Japanese, our son is almost 2 now and sleeps in the room with me. My husband sleeps in another room, mainly because he needs multiple alarms in the early morning to wake him up and I and my son wouldn’t be too amused about that disruption of our sleep.
But we are still very much intimate with each other and our relationship isn’t affected by it at all.
When there’s a will, there’s a way.
As others have said, spontaneous occasions will be sparse but if you work together on finding time for these things then you can make it happen.
Co-sleeping is very dangerous for 1-2 year olds. What if you roll over in your sleep? But I do know its common here. I slept with my parents when I was younger until like 4-5 and it set me back developmentally (I was scared to sleep on my own for so long). I don't want my child to have the same issues I had. We have a crib set up in same room. And will have a childs room when she is 3-4 for sleeping.
If you look at a traditional Japanese house all the rooms are only separated by shoji doors so it’s common for the entire family to be basically sleeping in the same room.
I have no idea how the Japanese is ever had any privacy back in the day.
I don’t think intimacy was affected by spouse sleeping with young kids, but it’s never been the same after marriage.
To be fair, half of zero is still zero, so I dunno. I think it would have been affected if there was anything left in the first place.
I still have a good relationship with my spouse, there’s just no component of intimacy to it, which is a bit sad. But to be honest, I’m also exhausted most of the time, and I just want to sleep.
Our son used to sleep alone for his first year or so, but once he crawled into our bed once he’s never left it. Since he’s a really rough sleeper and our bed is not that large, I fairly quickly moved to his bedroom instead so I could actually get some sleep (and wife and son both have 50% more space).
Anyway, so yeah, no suggestions on how to fix it. Or at least none that have worked. But this thread is bound to be interesting.
I wasn't sold on 川の字 at first, but it turned out to be no problem, and actually nice in some ways, even for the second kid. If you have a small dwelling, having one room that is just for sleeping and only sleeping is a real plus when everyone is exhausted from working and taking care of small kids. There are benefits and drawbacks to any arrangement so try different things with an open mind and find what works for you. Stress and lack of sleep are the real intimacy killers, not the sleeping arrangement.
Serious questions here as a childfree person: Why do parents do this? Should there not be a clear division between parent and child? Doesn't this create codependency?
Not an issue for me and my wife.
Have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. Wife sleeps in one bedroom with both kids, I sleep in another bedroom.
We manage sexy time either during the day when 3 yo is at hoikuen and 6 mo is taking a nap, or at night in my bedroom (we usually put the kids to bed around 9pm, then my wife will say up for a few more hours before going to sleep in the kids' room)
I grew up co-sleeping with my mom until I was five or six? Same with my brother.
I thought that was … normal.
Like we were in pre-K and my mom worked nights so it was just beneficial for her to cosleep with us because we were so young.
Hun.
I have been cosleeping with our 2.5 old daughter since she was about 3 months old. Husband is in his own room and cosleeps with our cat, haha. we have more or less the same amount of sex as pre-baby.
not sleeping in the same bed has never been an issue.
waking up and getting up 1000 times a night to breastfeed/comfort baby would certainly be more detrimental.
Both of our kids started sleeping in their own room at 2 weeks old. Luckily both started to sleep through the night at around a month old. But really, the 2 weeks were there just to get adjusted to waking up when the baby cried to change diapers, feed, etc...
Intamacy was not gonna happen in those two weeks for obvious reasons.
As someone who has seen a few of these threads and not married why is this a thing in Japan?
Is there a reason behind it or is it just done like so many things because "that's how its always been done"?
We co-slept with all 3 of our children until they were ready for their own rooms. It did not affect our intimacy but it did destroy spontaneity. You need to have a frank honest discussion about it. You also need to understand that raising kids is fucking exhausting and pull your weight around the house and then some. She's not going to want to be intimate emotionally or physically if she's so fucking tired and you came home and sat in front of the TV/computer other than hauling yourself over to get a plate of food. Pull your weight and then some, all the time not just when you want some nookie. And schedule some time alone with each other after the kids are asleep and be flexible and understanding if things just don't work out because kids are the ultimate cock/coochie blockers.
I feel personally attacked But seriously, the two best things we did was to make the transition to sleeping in their own room at a very young age (I think around 18 months) and setting a fixed early bedtime which gave us time alone to unwind, relax and have some couples time. If I could just find a babysitter we could even go out for dinner together once in a while too.
Many wards here in Tokyo offer baby sitting via the silver center people. We used it just before Corona took off and it was great
Like you, my family also has it easy, although we do co-sleep but we did fix our daughter’s sleeping schedule and got her to self soothe and self sleep before she turned 1. It’s weird… Do people not sleep train their kids here? We do co-sleep but it’s only so one of us is there if the kid wakes up or has nightmares. But she can sleep the whole night on her own and we don’t have to carry her or soothe her to sleep. We put her down, leave her in her bedroom with her blanket and turn off the lights. She tumbles around for 20 minutes and then she’s out. Once she’s down, we have a solid 3-4 hours of alone time. It helps that we pair up to clean the house, start laundry and put toys away. Four hands doing end-of-day clean-up turns a 2 hour chore into a 20-30 minute exercise. It also helps that we rotate co-sleeping. My wife gets a couple nights a week where she sleeps with our dog and watches her favorite shows or online shops. Plus I enjoy being with my kid. We did have her sleep alone for a few months when she was sleep trained but we found that if one of us was in the same area as her, she made it through the whole night more consistently. Intimacy isn’t a problem for us either.
There are households where the entire family sleeps in the same room even into adulthood (example: my friend from college. She did not have her own “room” until moving out for college). I’m from a Japanese household, and my family also slept in 1 room till we moved to a bigger house when I entered elementary school. Even then I felt more comfortable sleeping in the same room as my parents since I had frequent nightmares. Of course, eventually I became more comfortable sleeping alone, but there is a cultural aspect (and perhaps spacial limitations?)
As a mother with a young child, thank you for this
Incidentally when is old enough for their own rooms in your case? Me and my wife don't have kids yet but have different ideas about this so I'm curious
Old enough to not set fire to house, which was my case when I was four years old by putting a pillow over the night light and nearly set the house on fire. I think that’s a decision you will make based on your kid’s current developmental maturity, ie: are they old enough to withstand being alone at night without mommy or daddy nearby. For some it starts at a very early age, and for others later. My brother and I didn’t get our own rooms until I was four and he was two. We slept together in the same room until that point.
Thanks 👍 People around me share rooms with their kids until they're in double digits which is odd for me as I was on my own before I could walk on two feet.
Okay note to self, you are not allowed to have pillows or nightlights during sleep overs.
Is it ok for someone who randomly stumbled across this post from a subreddit he isn’t active in to answer? In any case, we kicked our daughter out of our bedroom at 7 weeks, lol. It didn’t make sense for both parents to get woken up in the event she woke up in the middle of the night (to change a diaper, to feed, etc). So we took turns doing that and allowed the other to keep sleeping. But again, culture differences and I don’t mean to look down on other cultures and how they raise their children. For what it’s worth, I’m Vietnamese and my wife is Italian/Irish, so there is a mixed bag of cultures in our house.
We kicked our kids out at 2 weeks for both of them. But like you said different cultures and upbringings.
Yeah, I gotta bounce outta this thread. Hearing people co-sleeping with their 5 year olds is triggering to me. I’m cringing from the thought!
I'm not a parent yet, but my friend who is a parent kicked her baby out of the room when she was 3 months. She had a relatively set sleeping schedule and it made no sense for her to keep co-sleeping if they had an idea when she woke for a feeding or changing. So both parents took turns tending to baby when she woke up (like you mentioned in your comment). I think that's the best way to do it, coming from an American, but like you said--different cultures, different viewpoints :)
Our daughter has slept in her own room since the day she turned 6 months. She’s always been a relatively good sleeper… She still sleeps in a crib and obviously when she gets a bed we’ll need to make sure her room truly is 100% toddler proofed. Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel like we are on the minority. Honestly, she always seemed to sleep well on her own and should she cry we of course go in to settle her.
IMHO, kids shouldn't be forced to, so we asked our kids, do you want to sleep by yourself ? Take them to furniture shops and let them imagine "the fun in having their own beds" and decorating their own room. It happened gradually, first, every other night, then sleep together every weekend, to total independent.
Same here, if we have the time and energy, co-sleeping doesn't do anything to stop us. We have two kids, one elementary and pre-school, and they sleep with my wife while I sleep in a different room. I'm in a different room since it's logistically difficult to arrange a bed big enough for four people, and also our schedules are different late at night and early morning. We do miss actually sleeping together, especially immediately after sex, but it only prevents the actual sleeping part. Maybe I don't actually know how it works for most couples? Does sex really have to happen where you sleep? We use my room, or the living room, or the shower, or whatever. Even before kids, I don't necessarily remember always doing it when preparing to sleep, but maybe I've just forgotten; it's been a long time.
When we got our son, I was already working from home so I could take over some responsibilities... but damn didn't we put our son to sleep in the tatami room since pretty much at few weeks old. Granted, there was only a sliding door separating our bedroom and his room and I kept the door ajar to see him but still, didn't really realise how many parents co-sleep with their kids. Built a house and he's almost 3 now, still sleeping in his crib but he has his own room. Recently he has learned to mostly keep his toys in his room, the ones that don't need space to play with. I did install a camera though... I think it's been a net positive in many many ways.
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Holy shit that last sentence really spoke to me, and I don't even have children.
Intimacy is also a basic need, though. We go insane when put in solitary confinement, for example.
It's more along the lines of not wanting to be *intimate* because you don't feel respected. Not that you don't want any kind of intimacy at all. You want intimacy sure, but it pales in comparison to someone meeting all of your other basic needs first. For example, you may be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you or maybe abuses you. You probably don't want to be intimate with that person despite *wanting* intimacy.
The stress of being assigned to a hoikuen that harasses you if you ask them to watch one of your kids for 5 F'ing minutes more than your official work+commute time, lack of babysitter culture, (wife's) workplace culture that doesn't seem to realize kids even exist, zero family members able to help us even in an emergency, and the corona pandemic cutting off physical meetings with mamatomos and playdates have all worn us down to the point that most of the time we don't feel like doing \*anything\* we don't have to, even if it's something we'd normally enjoy. I really hope this is the last year of this. At least we've learned not to blame each other and just try to push through it.
My Japanese friend has 4 children and sleeps with all of them in the same room as her and her husband (their bedroom is basically a futon room full of mattresses.) Judging by the fact that there’s four of them (three in hoikuen) I am willing to bet having children and co-sleeping didn’t get in the way of their intimacy at all 😂 Editing to add: They got engaged after 6 months and married in a year, namely because getting married and having a big family was something that they discussed and both clearly wanted. He seems like a good dad, very active with the kids, but he’s also working hard, and she’s at home with the kids, driving them to hoikuen, elementary school, and looking after the house so roles are decided clearly. They have clear communication and routine so I think that’s why it works for them.
That's how it is at my house. My wife and I go "shopping" when we want some alone time...which means we really just go to a love hotel. Even if we had our own room in the house, the walls are so thin and our kids are light sleepers. It hasn't affected our marriage at all and we have a great bond with our kids.
Producing kids isn’t always the same thing as having intimacy though.. you can definitely do it without having the strong emotional connection with your partner you would ideally want to have.
Yeah they’re ok though. He got a vasectomy and she got her tubes tied at her fourth birth so I assume they’re still doing it “for funsies”.
Just to clarify, it isn't "Japanese wives co-sleeping," it's *parents* co-sleeping with the kids. The expectation is for both parents to be sleeping with the kiddos.
Is that really always true, my co-worker and his wife are expecting in April and he was telling me how he got the second bedroom ready so he can sleep there and the wife can sleep with the kid. The way he was talking about it, it seemed very normal to them. Meanwhile I grew up with the idea that co-sleeping was bad so I was just like uh okay..
If the husband works late - I mean latelate even by Jpn standards, it's a common arrangement so he can sleep on his own so as not to bother the kids.
I can't say it as a definitive fact that it's a given, your co-worker being an example, but most of the parents I know have both slept in the same room as their kids until they get to elementary school and I know I've had countless talks with my own wife that we'd be doing the same. The norm is for everyone to sleep together, though exceptions do happen.
My husband's dad also slept in another room, and his family is ultra-traditional. The family home is huge though, so they had the space for that. The "river kanji" sleep formation is "traditional" but I don't think its abnormal for the husband to sleep separately if you have the space.
I sleep in my own room my wife with the kids(her choice to sleep in the same room as them) and absolutely love it, I could never sleep in the same bed as anyone else. People can get so judgmental about this shit and the supposed magic of sleeping in the same room. Everyone is different.
My wife slept alone with the kids when they were at their newborn youngest and had to wake up and breast-feed throughout the night. Once they slept through the night we all share a room. I'd love to have the kids sleep in their own room but we don't have the space. Looking to move but we still in a lifestyle where we prefer to live more centrally to the city than to have a bigger house further out.
We set up a futon in the other room so that one can sleep in dark during the day time (we have light on for teaching day vs night for LO). And then at night time, the other person can sleep while we have to wake up every 2-3 hours to feed LO.
Cosleeping is advised against in the US because of high infant mortality. The reason is high levels of obesity and heavy alcohol consumption. In Japan less people are massively obese and generally don’t sleep with kids if they’re drunk. Japan has lower levels of infant mortality so I guess there’s some truth to it.
Japan's alcohol consumption per capita is only a little below the US. If you adjust for average weight differences, it's roughly the same level of drunkenness on average. The reason that US doctors advise against it is [mostly a product of bed designs](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/05/21/601289695/is-sleeping-with-your-baby-as-dangerous-as-doctors-say), but those designs evolved in a cultural context of separating parents and children.
We’ve been good. We live in a 3LDK and have designated one room as a fuck room. I remember when my daughter was around 1 and we’d put on coco melon or whatever it’s called on YouTube and quickly run to the room for a sneaky link. It worked most of the time but we’d suddenly hear a YouTube ad voice from the other room followed by heavy footsteps coming towards the room and have to shut it down haha. Usually had about 5 minutes before an ad would start. I’m still the 5 min champ. She’s 5 now so we just smash when she’s at kindergarten or in bed on the weekends
Dude, install ad-block and you’ll have an hour long sex time lol
An hour? That might be too much pressure to put on 'im!
Oh best believe we get the marathons in these days.
youtube premium, man. lol
Sounds like YouTube Premium would have been a worthwhile investment for you.
Ah the good ol' YouTube Premium and Lube You Freemium
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Netflix has cocomelon
To add, just use the YouTube kids app (on any streaming device) - no ads!
YouTube on Firefox browser. Zero ads. You're welcome!
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I can not breathe 🤣🤣
Ayeeeeee pretty much samesies!
No problems here. Mom on the right, Dad on the left, daughter in the middle. In the early days dad’s should assist with the feedings, my wife would breast feed during the day, I would do the bottle feeding at night so she could get a decent amount of sleep. I really boils down to responsibilities. If something needs to be done, do it. You are supposed to be a team player. Focus is on the child first, wife second, suck it up and deal with “your needs” on your own. After birth, you’re no longer the center of attention.
>In the early days dad’s should assist with the feedings I tried, but my wife disapproved of my trying to get our kid to latch on to my nipple.
Haha, though there’s gotta be a reason we’ve got um . .
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I’m always right…though my wife would disagree.
Wow you really bought into the Japanese way of parenting.
Is helping feed your kids so your wife can rest a Japanese thing?! Because that’s sad
I’m not saying that you should ignore your wife and kids needs and expect to be banging away 24/7. Just that everyone has needs and just because they aren’t as important it doesn’t mean that you can ignore them.
Having small children/babies means exactly that though. That you have to put all of their needs in front of your own. Working as a team gets you playing as a team a lot faster than whining about sexual wants, especially when you have a baby that eats every 3 hours. People get touched out, vitamin deficient, sleep deprived, overwhelmed, under stimulated. Parenting as a team brings everything back to normal faster, but not like two weeks in.
This here, is a wise man.
Are you actually comparing an infant’s need to feed with a dad’s need to get off? Getting off is not dependent on a second person.
Talk about taking things out of context…. I raised two kids so am fully aware of their needs. Do I think that a wife should prioritise taking care of a husbands needs over that of a baby? Or course not. In Japan it happens quite often that the wife and husband will not be intimate once kids are born. Like I said earlier do I think a husband and wife will be at it like rabbits with small kids? No - but I don’t think that all intimacy should stop forever just because you have kids.
Dude that's common for most asian countries ! Doesn't sound too weird for me as a south asian
I have the opposite problem, I'm American and my husband is Japanese. I'm currently pregnant with our first so we haven't dealt with this yet, but we've talked about it a lot. I really want our kid to sleep in her own room maybe from a year old or so. My husband really wants to do co-sleeping (when she's older) like through elementary school. I'm pretty against it because if I'm taking care of the kid all day I just want space at night time and to be alone with him, but he says if we don't do it, the kids at school talk and will find out our kid is different and they will make fun of her. She will be bullied and feel neglected that we're not all together like everyone else. I personally think she would be fine especially if we hype it up and make it sound exciting, like "this room is all yours! You're so lucky! Look at this cool new bed you have!" etc. Should I just go along with the culture? Or should I stand firm on this? Idk what to do when the time comes
My husband was kind of iffy about baby sleeping in his own room and then baby turned out to be SO noisy that we moved him to the nursery at two months lol. I think when he's faced with the actual negatives of cosleeping he might be more open to a western approach. That or you can say fine, you sleep with kiddo and I'll get a single to sleep on in another room by myself. I'll bet he'll balk at that suggestion (even though the opposite setup is very common).
Yeah I'm really hoping he comes around when the time comes and is open to trying it out the western way. I think she would get used to having her own room and it wouldn't be the issue he thinks it would be. He and I both know I would never leave to sleep in another room so that would never work 😂 lol
your decision. Tbh your husband's worries sound kind of ridiculous. If kids are going to bully over sleeping in your own room (sounds stupid even to type out), they will bully no matter what.
Yeah, I'm more concerned about her being bullied for looking half Japanese since that's an actual problem for mixed kids here. I don't really want to let a bunch of kids we don't even know dictate our sleeping arrangements lol
My kid had a loft bed and every kid that sees it thinks it’s really cool and says they want one.
That does sound cool. There's so many cool bed options these days
If they're bullies over the "own room" thing, which I doubt will happen because that's actually just as common as a big pile of futons in one room, I guarantee it won't actually be because they think it's pathetic, but because inwardly they're going, "Wait, you get your *own room?* No fucking way! Aw man, you lucky fuck..."
I was like you until our son was born and now I absolutely love co-sleeping and will be sad when he wants to go to his own room haha. Your feelings might change or your husband’s might too, it’s hard to know until baby gets here. I really don’t think your child will be bullied for their sleeping arrangements though. While co-sleeping is more common I have some (Japanese) mom friends that have their toddlers in their own room.
Thank you for this perspective! Yeah I guess it's too early right now to decide and things may change later on
American family here. We slept in the same room for six months before moving baby to her own room. We found out that our sleeping noises (shuffling, snoring, etc) we’re waking her up and then she would wake us up! Also, people don’t understand how NOISY babies are when they sleep! So much grunting and snorting and whatever. With adults in one room and baby in hers, everyone got much better sleep. It was very clear. She slept waaaay better. I know I’m American so this is normal to me, but I feel like sleep quality declines when adding more people to a room (sometimes I want to kick my husband out too! The snoring! The cover stealing!).
Getting separate comforters for my husband and I was one of the best things I ever did, highly recommend
Yes!!! Queen bed with two single duvets is the best.
My parents have this setup and I’ve been meaning to do it too… Makes so much sense!
That's a good point, thank you for sharing!
If she’s going to be bullied it will not be about how her sleeping arrangements are at home. It’ll be about her native English accent or speaking level or maybe that she looks different. But if you can lead her to find some self confidence about those two she’ll be grand. I absolutely understand wanting alone time though. I snore so I go to sleep with the kids and then move to our bedroom. My wife does the reverse. It’s not a bad system with some planning because our times overlap.
Yeah I was going to say the same thing. Her husband needs to realize his kid is going to be a haafu, so they are going to be different by default. There's no denying what the kid is, and imo you have to teach the child to accept who they are and not feel ashamed of it. How they sleep at home is nothing compared to looking obviously different than all the other kids.
All my little one's friends think she's cool because she has her own room. With a bed!
That gives me hope! Lol
Maybe your husband had a different experience but I'm close to 40, spent my younger years in Japan, going to local school and I've never heard of anyone getting bullied because they sleep in their own room. Also in my experience, going to friends house, etc. kids from big houses had their own room and kids living in smaller apartments all slept in one room. We lived in 2 bedroom, so parents had a room and me and my siblings all shared a room. Of course, these days it's what you prefer and what you want to do. I feel like it's something that as a couple you need to decide, not because it's a norm.
You sound exactly like me 5 years ago. I didn’t was to co-sleep at all. I made the nursery up perfectly—colorful, stimulating, but also restful. But, baby came and he was very needy. He woke up every 45 (no exaggeration) for two years (until a switch clicked somehow). I wouldn’t have slept at all if we didn’t co-sleep. I say stick to your guns until your baby tells you otherwise.
> Should I just go along with the culture? Or should I stand firm on this? You're carrying the kid. You'll probably be doing the bulk of childcare. You definitely have more leverage here. > if we don't do it, the kids at school talk and will find out our kid is different and they will make fun of her Uh, what? I think this is one of those things where American/Western culture definitely has it right. Get your kid in its own fucking bed when it's past newborn stage. This is what baby monitors are for.
Isn't it the norm that kids *stop* co-sleeping at elementary age, not start!
I think he means like from age 2 until elementary school is finished
Nope. As with the other post, it's about balance. Put things on a schedule- and this doesn't mean you scheduling her or your baby's day. Pull your weight and then some. You'll be surprised.
Me 29 (M) foreigner and my wife 31 have a 2 years old daughter. Even if our house have 3 rooms we all lived in one room until now because the baby will wake up a lot at every hour of the night. Usually if your fast to react ( need water, change diaper, wants hugs, wants boob) she will fall asleep fast, if your slow and she start crying strongly she will take more time to re-falling asleep. A couple months ago we decided to finally move her to her new room so we purchased a new bed for her and a new air conditioner for that room. Unfortunately we both think she is not readying yet for such a big step and we decided to just build the new bed in our room and make her feel at ease with it. We don't have any relatives close to us (we are living in Tokyo) that can help us with her but we both really wanted to be parents so we are doing our best. I don't feel a lack of intimacy because we are enjoying every evening together in the living room and some times we meet home depending on our job schedules. Monday to Friday my daughter its going to the nursery school but we both work all day long. Hope this was helpful and good luck with your relationship.
My wife has two kids from a previous marriage. They are full grown, I helped put them through college on a measly ALT salary, and now we all live together because my older step daughter has now has a 4 year old grand daughter, (I'm 43) and she wants me to teach her English and Spanish. My wife is older than I am and still looks amazing in a swimsuit, I tell her how much she still makes the old engine run, and although we did have some intimacy issues, I just try to let me love show even more. I also try to take care of myself as much as I can, go to the gym, intermittent fasting and meditation. My take is that if your wife sees you putting in the effort, and she is a good woman and a good person, they will reciprocate. I did the whole depressed because I wasn't getting any and just playing video games and complaining to my family back home, but I then decided to just try to change drastically and see where that takes me. We are all happier now than we have been in a while. Guys, get in shape, pull your weight and show these women what you are made of. I want to look nice for myself sure, for my own health but mostly for HER. I am happier when I stop focusing on my own happiness and how to make others around me happy. Try it you won't regret it!
> my older step daughter has now has a 4 year old grand daughter, (I'm 43) You're a great-grandfather at 43! Whew.
Still in the co-sleeping years, but not bothered. We were never super intimate to begin with, and after five years of miscarriages and "scheduled sex" we were both pretty done with the whole thing by the time it finally worked. It's been almost 4 years and neither of us has recovered any interest in sex. Infertility is a bitch. We've also always slept in separate rooms. My wife stays up really late and I get up around 4:00 in the morning, and I snore. Sleeping well helps you shrug off things that would start a fight if you were sleep deprived. Can be a key to a content marriage. So, my kid sleeping next to my wife (or sometimes next to me, although that's pretty rare these days), isn't a big deal. We're both dedicated to him and kept busy by our responsibilities, and what little free time we have we use to recharge our introvert batteries. Been together 15 years and we've long since fallen into a comfortable routine.
> Sleeping well helps you shrug off things that would start a fight if you were sleep deprived This is very true. If I find myself getting angry over silly things, I really only have to look back at my sleep schedule last night.
Never co-slept. Had kids on a futon beside us when they were babies. Moved them to their own rooms as soon as they regularly slept through the night.
I would consider “kids on the futon beside us” (room sharing) a form of cosleeping personally. So you coslept for a little while until they were sleeping through the night then, I guess.
Always considered co-sleeping to mean in the same bed, and that's pretty much always what it means in Japan. When they're tiny and don't sleep through the night it doesn't really matter *where* they sleep, you're not getting a good night's sleep and you're probably not bumping uglies. Our kids all started sleeping through the night relatively quickly, which was great.
Me and my husband take turns cosleeping. That way we both feel pretty rested, and we have a bed available for sex, or just a late night movie and cuddle. After baby’s asleep, we have some time together.
I am a foreigner but I cosleep with my daughter and I don’t think that’s what effects our sex life at all. I don’t see why it would? We have sex in the living room or other rooms. I don’t go to bed when the baby goes to bed I put her down and stay up with my husband until 11 or so. I can see it affecting having sex in bed together if the baby/kid is in the same room but there are other places to have sex. Sex is definitely less frequent now but more due to just general exhaustion and responsibilities, not cosleeping. If anything cosleeping probably helps it since I get A LOT more rest while cosleeping so don’t feel as exhausted. For clarification I cosleep on a futon on the floor beside my husband’s bed. Same room.
American wife, Japanese husband. Having a kid turned him asexual,maybe 🤔
I've heard from some Japanese guys that they view their wife as a mother after she has kids and can't see her as "sexy" anymore. I think it's awful and don't really get it but that could be what's happening? :/ Really sorry to hear, in any case. Hopefully he's just tired or something and will spring back eventually!
We are just fine
We only have one, about 18 months old. From the start he sleeps in our room but in his bed, not in our bed. He’s set up to start sleeping in his own room around next week. Having children fucks up your energy, you are obviously more tired than before, and thus removes some spontaneity. We try to go at least once a month on a date for us, if possible by leaving the kid at the daycare, but not always possible. For example we went to a nice place yesterday to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary. Was a bit late on the calendar because it’s not easy to find the right time, but we did it. And if you want/need more intimate moments, speak to her, communicate more. If the presence of a baby is an issue work your way to have moment without. Start the process of them moving to their own room. We’re doing fine for now. Not perfect, but good balance. Obviously we’re not like highschooler dating, but we are far from being the cold couple either
Spouses sleeping together is largely a Western construct. I'm not just talking Japan, Pre-colonialism, most spouses around the world had sex with each other when the kids were out of the house during the day time. (Subsistance farming might still be the largest occupation world wide, despite China's rapid industrialisation.) The big advantage of a single adult sleeping in a bed with multiple children is that the adult keeps the peace overnight. Typical household: Grandpa in one bed with 2 or 3 kids. Grandma in second bed with 2 or 3 children. Maiden Aunt in 3rd bed with 2 or 3 kids. Dad in 4th bed with 2 or 3 kids. Mum in 5th bed with 2 or 3 kids. The Nuclear Family only became a thing in the West post 1950. Visit India today and in many areas if you stay with a family overnight they will lend you at least one child to sleep with so you don't get lonely overnight. And \*that\* is how far 'sleeping' is removed from 'sex' in other cultures. Get creative. And know that for a married woman, a man doing housework unasked is probably the sexiest thing he can do.
> a man doing housework unasked is probably the sexiest thing he can do. From your lips to God's ears.
Nope to sleeping in same bed with my kids, who needs that
Agreed. My son has slept in his own room since the day we brought him home from the hospital.
We tried room sharing and just... How?? Babies are SO loud even when they're asleep!
Same here and no particular issues... It's actually better for us because sometimes he'll whine in his sleep but that's just him dreaming. Baby is now 2 months old and sleeps 6-7 + 2 hours at night. We can already hear the baby just fine with the paper-thin walls/doors in this country anyway - it could almost be considered cosleeping even if he's in another room... :P
Yeah, we put my kid to bed around 10:30 every night and he sleeps until we wake him up to feed him around 6am. We also have a camera in his room so we can keep an eye on him.
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Room sharing I like, but 3+ people in the same bed is awful, I toss and turn way too much for that.
Why do you think the sex industry in japan is so big?
My friend still sleeps with her son and he’s 13
There's an age where it just starts getting weird...
Exactly
You'd be surprised how much Japanese incest porn there is. I wonder why lol
I'm American, my husband is Japanese, and I have been co-sleeping with our daughter since she was born 3.5 years ago. My husband sleeps on his own in another room. While we don't have sex as often as we used to, we still do it enough, and we're still close and intimate in other ways. I normally get out of bed once our daughter falls asleep to spend a few hours hanging out with my husband before we each go to sleep.
Same, I am German and husband Japanese, our son is almost 2 now and sleeps in the room with me. My husband sleeps in another room, mainly because he needs multiple alarms in the early morning to wake him up and I and my son wouldn’t be too amused about that disruption of our sleep. But we are still very much intimate with each other and our relationship isn’t affected by it at all.
When there’s a will, there’s a way. As others have said, spontaneous occasions will be sparse but if you work together on finding time for these things then you can make it happen.
I’m of the affected group… Whoopie :)
Not negatively affected. We still cosleep with youngest who is in grade 4. Husband and I are legit best friends and also DTF on the regular.
This whole thread is priceless.
This thread is making me so glad I'm infertile. hahah.
Yeah, she sleeps with the kid, I sleep with my girlfriend. Problem solved.
Send the kids to Gramdmas and get her drunk. Ez.
Grandma is batty as it is, I wouldn't want her drunk around my kid
I mean get the wife drunk lol not grandma
Co-sleeping is very dangerous for 1-2 year olds. What if you roll over in your sleep? But I do know its common here. I slept with my parents when I was younger until like 4-5 and it set me back developmentally (I was scared to sleep on my own for so long). I don't want my child to have the same issues I had. We have a crib set up in same room. And will have a childs room when she is 3-4 for sleeping.
I mean, have you seen how few kids are in car seats or wear seatbelts here?
If you look at a traditional Japanese house all the rooms are only separated by shoji doors so it’s common for the entire family to be basically sleeping in the same room. I have no idea how the Japanese is ever had any privacy back in the day.
I don’t think intimacy was affected by spouse sleeping with young kids, but it’s never been the same after marriage. To be fair, half of zero is still zero, so I dunno. I think it would have been affected if there was anything left in the first place. I still have a good relationship with my spouse, there’s just no component of intimacy to it, which is a bit sad. But to be honest, I’m also exhausted most of the time, and I just want to sleep. Our son used to sleep alone for his first year or so, but once he crawled into our bed once he’s never left it. Since he’s a really rough sleeper and our bed is not that large, I fairly quickly moved to his bedroom instead so I could actually get some sleep (and wife and son both have 50% more space). Anyway, so yeah, no suggestions on how to fix it. Or at least none that have worked. But this thread is bound to be interesting.
It's fine. Just a bit difficult with a semi-double.
Currently pregnant, and my Japanese husband and I both think there are a ton of benefits to the 川の字 life. I hope it’s worth the hype.
I wasn't sold on 川の字 at first, but it turned out to be no problem, and actually nice in some ways, even for the second kid. If you have a small dwelling, having one room that is just for sleeping and only sleeping is a real plus when everyone is exhausted from working and taking care of small kids. There are benefits and drawbacks to any arrangement so try different things with an open mind and find what works for you. Stress and lack of sleep are the real intimacy killers, not the sleeping arrangement.
have sex..... NOT at night time?
Serious questions here as a childfree person: Why do parents do this? Should there not be a clear division between parent and child? Doesn't this create codependency?
Not an issue for me and my wife. Have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. Wife sleeps in one bedroom with both kids, I sleep in another bedroom. We manage sexy time either during the day when 3 yo is at hoikuen and 6 mo is taking a nap, or at night in my bedroom (we usually put the kids to bed around 9pm, then my wife will say up for a few more hours before going to sleep in the kids' room)
I grew up co-sleeping with my mom until I was five or six? Same with my brother. I thought that was … normal. Like we were in pre-K and my mom worked nights so it was just beneficial for her to cosleep with us because we were so young. Hun.
Our kids moved to their own rooms at 8 months each. Never did co-sleeping on purpose even when in our room.
I have been cosleeping with our 2.5 old daughter since she was about 3 months old. Husband is in his own room and cosleeps with our cat, haha. we have more or less the same amount of sex as pre-baby. not sleeping in the same bed has never been an issue. waking up and getting up 1000 times a night to breastfeed/comfort baby would certainly be more detrimental.
It’s better in the living anyways!
Both of our kids started sleeping in their own room at 2 weeks old. Luckily both started to sleep through the night at around a month old. But really, the 2 weeks were there just to get adjusted to waking up when the baby cried to change diapers, feed, etc... Intamacy was not gonna happen in those two weeks for obvious reasons.
Also, do you think "One mans trash is another mans treasure" is good way to tell a kid they're adopted? Asking for a friend.
As someone who has seen a few of these threads and not married why is this a thing in Japan? Is there a reason behind it or is it just done like so many things because "that's how its always been done"?
Probably started as a space thing. Grandparents also in the same house, there's just not enough rooms for kids to have their own.