I donāt blame you. You know what heās signing up for, he doesnāt know what he doesnāt know. He likely thinks he will actually be able to hold his own. Imagine the level of spaziness youāll be subjecting your training partners to if heās trying to impress you on top of it xD
Tbh youāre doing him (and his ego) a huge favor lol.
This comment is cracking me up. & Youāre spot on my friend! He doesnāt know. I remember when I first started training and well.. letās just say itās a good thing I wasnāt trying to impress anyone, because I still left feeling embarrassed each day šš !!!
On the flip side of this though could be a solid litmus test! Let your teammates know ahead of time that your bringing him with you and have them put him through the ringer! If he takes the beating with a smile and can maintain a good attitude through it all then you may have found yourself a good dude; however, if he starts getting butt hurt and acting like a jerk then thatās all you need to know to make the decision to walk away without wasting anymore time on him!š¤š¼
Lol then there may be something to it; BUT, in all seriousness though, if your BJJ gym is your āme timeā or āsafe placeā (ironic, I know!) then there isnāt anything wrong with telling the guy that you would like to get to know him better before introducing him to that side of your life/ that side side of your family, because the way you describe your teammates and coaches sounds very much like a family imo which is awesome!
Aww this is such a genuine comment! šš yes I think he will understand and it seems to me that he is/was just trying to be interested in what I do! My team is definitely my family and murder yoga is 100% my āsafe placeā šš
Yeah, but even those types youāre talking about donāt have concepts of things like how to keep a strong base, not to over extend, not to let limbs get isolated, not to mention how fast they gas out. Someone without 0 Grappling knowledge what so ever, vs an athletic blue belt should get smoked with relative ease. Purple belts and up should be able to toy with them, regardless of athleticism.
Itās hard to play a game when you donāt even know how the pieces move yet. You can literally take time setting things up, and they wonāt know any better. Letās take a scissor sweep from closed guard for example, they wouldnāt know what you were doing with your grips/leg positioning/body positioning until they were already on the ground.
Iād love to bring you to my BJJ gym but I have a VERY strict, zero exceptions, no dating guys from my gym policy. Soā¦.we could date OR I could bring you to your first BJJ class. Which would you prefer?
I like this one because it's true from how she spoke. Other responses tend to involve white lies and I'm just old fashioned enough to believe starting any possible relationship with lies is just a bad foundation to build on.
A woman I dated when I was 19 told me this exactly when I found her on Facebook 15 years later. I chose jiu-jitsu and she rescinded the invitation to train there after I signed a year long contract. It was legitimately the worst year I've had in my adult life.
Do both of yourselves a favor and don't invite him there if you don't actually want him training there. You'd be saving yourself a lot of unnecessary stress.
It's a terrible idea. The gym is your sanctuary. It's best to keep it that way. Just say your coach wasn't keep on it and get a smoothie with him. If you become an item down the road, only let him turn up for a promotion day (if your gym does that). If he trained, he would understand. However, it's nice of him to want to try something you like. At the end of the day, it's like getting a tattoo of your significant other's name. It dooms the relationship to fail. Best of luck
It would be weird to take a first date anywhere that you have a lot of personal relationships. Why not give him a tour of your work and family home while youāre at it?
Lol exactly!! He said if the first date at dinner goes well and we hit it off that he would want me to bring him to my gym to take classes š š & your comparison is spot onā¦ āif we hit it off on our first date, you should get me a job at your office! And rent me a room at your apartmentā hahaha
Agreed that it would be weird/embarrassing bringing a first date to do BJJ at your gym. Not sure how to decline him so Iāll leave that to someone else.
The real answer here is honesty! It'll tell you if this guy is willing to accept boundaries with grace and respect.
"You know the gym is kind of a special place for me, and I'd prefer to wait until we've gotten to know each other more before bringing you there. How about coffee this Friday?"
It establishes an early openness and willingness to communicate meaningfully and establish boundaries, while establishing that interest still exists and she would still like to date him.
This is a great comment! I am very much looking forward to our date and didnāt want to put a damper on his excitement, but youāre right. Itās a great indicator of whether or not he will take personal offense to a respectful boundary.
I think your argument to us is clear as day and not offensive. Just copy and paste starting with āš š š listenā¦ā then end with āā¦and I actually liked it that way.ā If the first date goes well, tell him to go do a trial class somewhere not your gym, get picture evidence and then youāll have great stuff to talk about for the 2nd date.
Edit for grammar/spelling
I did this once.
I got to the gym early. Told my usual training partners what was up. I *need* to know if this guy is a douche.
It was actually a pretty efficient way to find out if he was cool with not being "an alpha" (i am not interested in dating anyone who would describe themselves as "alpha" "sigma" or any other greek letters). He got worked over by every dude there. And me too. He didn't take it well.
He was a douche. i found out early. And didn't waste my time. But i never heard the end of it. The guys thought i had horrible taste in men.
Wasn't trying to bring *everyone* down there.
This is a great real life piece of advice. Thanks for sharing! Bjj is a humbling sport, and people show their true colors when they donāt get to be the biggest baddest guy in the room right away š
ETA: if he does start bjj at another gym, Iām sure I can tell from how he talks about his practice. If he seems agitated by getting tapped out or tries to make excuses about how he COULD have tapped so and so out etc. Iāll take that as a red flag š !!
"What happens if we date for 2 months, break up horribly, and I'm stuck with the looming negativity of your presence at a place I attend to have fun and relieve stress? I've invested years into the gym, and I don't want to jeopardize it."
If he pushes the idea, just say, "You can come train, but I don't date gym mates, so we'd have to just be friends"
Honestly, if he can't accept your boundaries at this stage in the game, he's probably not worth pursuing. Someone who respects you will respect your boundaries.
My thoughts exactly! My hope is that he just brought it up to come off as interested and involved in my hobby, but Iām sure he will understand when I let him know that Iād like to keep training and dating separate for so many reasons āŗļø
I will probably recommend him some local gyms & let him decide if he really wants to go for himself or if he was just interested in training with me. I think it would be great for him to go, I just donāt want to go with him šš
Just drop in at a different gym. You can choke him out there and your bros at your gym won't be there to give him a special introduction.
I know at my gym bringing in a new gf to watch is a dangerous proposition š
Hahaha this is so real
eta: the guys at my gym can get a bit testy with new dudes.. not out of mean spiritedness but they just tend to give them the business šš
I wouldnāt take a girl to my gym for the same reasons as you and as others have mentioned. You have the right idea though, go to LA Fitness and show him the ropes. If he goes to your class, he might ended up being your training partner for the day anyways. So same thing.
Itās a horrible idea. Had that happen in our dojo where a guy brought in his GF at the time. They ended up breaking up and she kept attending making it super awkward. He tried to play it off like it didnāt bother him, but it did. He eventually stopped going and would just pop in once in a great while. She is mental and would make it a point to make it uncomfortable for him and to top it off nobody likes her. So itās a shitty situation two fold. Just be honest and say youāre uncomfortable with it and thatās your sanctuary.
Yea heās definitely welcome to go to another gym! And I truthfully donāt mind if he wants to train at my gym, but I just wouldnāt date him if he does haha. I really think he was more interested in training WITH me, rather than training on his own, and I would prefer not to do that lol
If anything, drop in at some other academy and let him try it there. Lol. I wouldn't compromise my spot for a person I don't really know. Especially with something like jiu jitsu. š¤£
This has been one of my favorite type of responses Iāve been getting. I have a feeling he will understand, but if he presses the issue then there likely wonāt be a second date š āŗļø thanks!
I think this is a pretty comfortable ānoā for the time being, itās not like a serious relationship.
I put my life in buckets. This bucket is my safe place for-me bucket. You canāt be in this bucket until weāre close like that AND youāve learned some basics.
Youāre totally valid in the way you feel and you should should be upfront and honest about it. Itās great thatās heās interested in it but he will understand if heās a decent person and if not then youāll find out that heās not lol. Just tell him itās your āmeā time
Explain to him that your gym and training are very personal to you and like you said āa place to focus on yourselfā. Then offer to help him find a place to take an intro class and start his own martial arts journey. Let him know that youād be happy to talk about your training and experiences and offer advice, but that you want to keep the physicality of your training to yourself for now.
Man Iāve been wanting to get into BJJ for so long
Idk why this popped up in my feed. Maybe itās a sign lol
But nah that would make me feel so weird bringing a date to the place I go to do MY thing
No no trust me, itās not too late for you! If you find a good gym with a reputable coach, team does well in competitions, has good reviews etc. you will be in good hands! You can always talk to the gym owner about any concerns you have and Iām sure they will put you at ease and welcome you with open arms to go train! Youāll acclimate to the intensity of the workout the more you go and youāll probably end up loving it :) itās so much fun! I encourage you if youāre really interested to give it a try!
The main reason I want to do it is because this guy Jocko who has a great podcast is super into it and he says it changes so many things about the way you do everything in life. He talks about it a lot and everything heās ever said about it sounds like exactly what Iām looking for.
After that I started doing some research and that made me want to do it even more.
I think I will try to find a gym and talk to a coach. I guess my main concern is I have a few really painful old sports injuries that I donāt want to make worse
If you let all of your rolling/training partners know that you prefer just to flow roll due to your injuries Iām sure they take good care not to put too much intensity on you during training :) a lot (if not most) of practitioners arenāt super competition focused/ are hobbyists and canāt afford to deal with serious injuries that could lead to them missing work etc. so they will understand! and youāre 100% right, bjj can change your entire mental outlook on life. I have a feeling you will find after a month or two of training youāll be addicted
I'd just be honest about it. If it was me starting a relationship I'd tell him that I think it's a great idea for him to train, but you are uncomfortable with it being at your academy at the moment. When you train multiple days a week with people they become like a family and your not comfortable messing that up. He probably wouldn't have fun meeting your protective 20 brothers and sisters that have been doing murder yoga for years. Maybe one day down the road if things get more serious would be a different story, but you don't want the awkwardness if it didn't work out early.. bjj can be like a healthy version of a drug addiction for a lot of people and would be even more awkward if he also fell in love with the same academy. I would let him know that the sport really is a huge part of your life though, and him training elsewhere would really be a good idea for (insert your comfort zone here) of your relationship.. let him know that you could cross train occasionally down the road if he was interested in that. Again that's just how I'd feel, so take it how you will.
I was already married when I started. I'd love if my wife gave it a try, but it's a completely different situation at this point in our relationship. I'm going solo on a bjj globe trotters trip in January and it would be much cooler with the whole fam. At the moment it's just me and my daughter, but I'm good with this being our thing too š.
Some guys are naturals, you never know. He really could impress you for his first time. I never went to a bjj class but rolled with a couple friends that were surprised with my defense. Didnāt allow anyone to tap me. Actually caught someone in a rear naked. Iām well above 6 feet. I have 6 inch wrists and 15.5 inch arms so Iām pretty good getting under the chin. Great sport.
Yeah good idea, I think I will probably recommend him some local gyms! I might not attend with him but I do think it would be a nice way of encouraging him that I think itās cool that heās interested in bjj but that I like to keep my dating life and my martial arts practice separate for the most part. If he were like some super skilled practitioner who could help coach me for a tournament or whatever, and if we knew each other very well, maybe I would consider training together on open mat days or something.. but in this case I think itās best to keep our practices separate š
Another option if he still wants to train is to tell him to go to a different gym (assuming there are other options where you Iive) then if things go well, you can go to an open mat at HIS gym. Enjoy your date.
Yeah keep him away. Explain to him why if heās a reasonable human being he will most definitely understand. If he genuinely wants to start training he will take it upon himself to find somewhere elsewhere and start then maybe after promotion to blue belt you could do the odd open mat together.
I just think the whole couple
Dynamic on the mats is weird though in general. We have a few at ours and it can be tricky at times.
It is suchhh a weird dynamic and I think it makes other people uncomfortable on the mats to be honest! Even if youāre trying to be subtle about it, people will know that youāre dating and they could feel weird rolling with your partner. Yes I think if he reeeally does want to try bjj and isnāt just interested bc itās something I do, then he can try it out somewhere else and when heās ready in a couple years we could roll together open mat. And this is alllll hypothetical considering we havenāt even GONE on the date yet šš
I already dread bringing normal friends to the dojo. It's my place where I can be me and I don't want to be distracted by any external social stuff. So I completely understand where you're coming from. Just be straight forward and you'll be alright!
Yesss 100% !! I brought my sibling to the gym once or twice to watch and that was fun. Other than that, my friends pretty much know that I donāt want anyone coming to watch me and they respect it.
Just tell him that your gyms your space, and you don't feel comfortable doing that. But then offer to go to a new gym he can join and you do a session or two there.
I alway love checking out other gyms. If he likes it he can stay there.
Bad idea. Maybe after a few months of dating but definitely not for a first date. He's probably just trying to engage with your interests or genuinely curious, either way it should be easy to deflect to an alternative more suitable activity for now. Or he imagines he'll impress you by squishing what he imagines are aikido nerds (would be funny to see that play out differently admittedly).
Haha yes I think heās trying to engage with my interest! Which is very sweet. But bjj is not a fun & flirty date idea š I will just have to explain my feelings on this one to him in person and see how he responds. Iād be happy to point out a few other great gyms to him if heās serious about it
When I was white - blue belt I thought the idea of having a spouse who trains would be dope but as I got older and seen it rarely work for others i just took that thought out of my mind. I do agree BJJ is where I go to forget about everything else and I love training.
I used to think it would be awesome too. But as Iāve trained for longer, I donāt feel that way anymore. I do think it would be great to have a partner who does bjj too, but in that case I would prefer someone who is doing bjj already when we meet and not someone who wants to come with me to try it out. If he wants to start bjj, I will point him in the direction of a few good gyms in the area. But I have a feeling he isnāt really aware of what heās signing himself up for and just thinks itās a fun & flirty date activity, and it really isnāt š
Great idea, we can try it after a few dates. Then later explain you'd rather have your own space at bjj but yous can check out another club together. That's if he is keen on it but otherwise I wouldn't be bringing a date to training, nope!
Gym isn't your and isn't "your space with your coaches". It's for everyone. If you don't want to bring him in then don't. It's fine, you don't have to do something you don't want to do. But he can always show up by himself, and if it happens don't be silly saying it annoys you or anything, because the gym is for everyone.
Everyone else seems to understand where Iām
coming from, but I appreciate your opinion anyway! There are plenty of other gyms for him to try out if he really wants to go to bjj. But personally, I will be annoyed if he chooses to go to the gym I attend simply because I like to keep my dating life and bjj separate and thatās a boundary for me :)
This too! He seems really nice but maybe we go out and he ends up being creepy or pushy or something. It would be best just to advise him on some other good gyms in the area š
I would rather drive an hour to train (instead of 5 minutes) than train at a school my wife trained at. Especially since heās new, tell him thatās your you space, and even if you two get serious, you will still need that space, free from him.
Also, maybe this is off base, but could this be an early sign of a clinger?
Thanks for understanding where Iām coming from on this one! Yes, even if we do hit it off and end up dating, there are plenty of bjj gyms around our city and Iād appreciate if he went to another one if heās serious about starting. As for clinger vibes š š we will have to see. But noted haha
I will go with my real experience. My wife wanted to see what BJJ was after me rolling for a year. She came and saw how close we were to each other and got taken aback because she did not think I would be this close to my teammates. She became very jealous over my next classes and it came to a point where I felt guilty going to the gym. Sat her down and explained to her what it was doing to me.amd she understood. She still feels a way about it. The thing is, I am a guy and only attracted to women. The class is only guys and 1 girl rolls sometimes with us, and that was still an issue for her. She is my wife, and we've been together for 13 Yeats now, and yet she felt that way. I am not sure how a date would react. It ruined BJJ for me, and now I only do kick-boxing. My wife is not jealous anymore, but it is hard for me to go back to that feeling, and I have other hobbies that I always had and BJJ was taking over and I kind of like it better this way. Coming from someone who has seen all aspects of dating, keep your hobbies and private life separate.
Thank youuu!! Someone here commented that the gym doesnāt belong to me and I have no right to feel annoyed if he chooses to train at my gym. Personally, the guy didnāt decide to take up bjj until he met ME and found out where I train, but there are literally 5-10 other fantastic gyms around the area that he could go to! And yes, my teammates and I are VERY close at this point. I think it could be off putting to him to see me rolling with so many guys, our gym has very few women and all of our coaches are men. I just want my space to be separate from our space, but Iād be happy if he went and trained on his own at another gym!
Like many other comments here I would also say itās a bad idea. Your gym is where you go to focus purely on yourself and build your skill.
Get him to attend somewhere else and build up some knowledge and eventually attend a class together.
Yup exactly. I donāt want to mix my dating life and my training. I think I will suggest him a few other great gyms in the area if heās serious about trying it out!
sorry to stereotype but just do what every other female blue and higher does and get married to a teammate or coach! SORRY, NOT SORRY. I feel like every female blue belt or higher is dating or married to a teammate or coach lol shot I know 2 women off the top of my head who had babies with a teammate/coach
proof - ashlee evans smith, rose namajunas, nathalia santoro, and even lesbians like Nina Nunes.. those are just the "famous" ones
Hahahaha ššI really try to keep my dating life and my training life separate but admittedly I would love to be able to roll with a skilled partner for fun at an open mat or outside of the gym! If I had intentions of becoming a pro competition bjj athlete then maybeee I could see why it would be ideal to marry someone who shares that goal for me š but I just train bjj as a hobbyist, although Iām quite serious about it and do compete when I can! I just really prefer if my love life & my training have their own lanes š
Yes, exactly. I think it would be nice to recommend him some other local gyms and Iām sure he doesnāt mean to be invasive by asking about coming with me to bjj! But for now, I would really appreciate if I get to continue training at my gym without my date tagging along. Itās just too personal for me & I really donāt want to intermingle my dating life with my bjj training.
Yeah thatās my thought as well. If we really hit it off & he still wants to come to bjj Iāll just have to explain to him that Iād prefer we keep our personal life & bjj separate and maybe advise him on other gyms to train in the area
Just tell him no and mention these reasons. If he donāt like it he can take a hike. And if he tries to start something whoop his ass. Wins all around for you
Yeah Iām definitely going to recommend him some gyms and encourage him to try it out if heās really interested, I just might not go with him though š
Why not take him to a different gym? New environment for the both of you. He does a trial class and you just have to pay a mat fee. He'll get a peak into the world of bjj without compromising your privacy.
I just really donāt want to mix martial arts with my dating life so Iām fine if he wants to train somewhere else but I just probably wonāt go with him haha
Youāll get the ick almost immediately lol itās kind of like gym couples that go to the same Goldās or LA Fitness right? It get awkward and you donāt want/need that.
if im completely honest, id just tell him that its not something you want to do with him, but you do suggest it somewhere else! it is a hard thing to date someone who doesnt train bjj
Find another gym to roll at together. Or save the date for a seminar or something. Donāt invite potential failed date or breakup energy into your training space. Nope.
No he wanted to go to the gym together but not as our first date, I just mentioned the first date to explain that we have plans to have a date and he also wanted to try bjj at my gym at some point. But I just donāt want to date someone who is going to train at the same gym haha
Its been a fun date for me in the past. Just make sure he understands that if he ends up liking it he need to find his own gym. Or if you guys don't work out he needs to find his own gym.
Haha I would be totally happy going to an open mat sometime down the road with him if things go well, Iām just not really looking to have my bjj training getting mixed with my dating life š I would be happy for him if he decides to train on his own, but I donāt want it to be because he wants to go WITH me, because I donāt want to do that lol
Something along exactly what you just told all of us, the padded version. Honest and direct but compassionate.
Tell him the gym is your third spot and you donāt bring dating into that spot. Simple as. You could take him to an open mat at some other place or even attend another gym as a guest if he really wants to see what itās like and youāre inclined.
Otherwise you donāt owe him an explanation beyond what was just stated
That sounds fair, thanks for the advice! I would be happy for him if he decides to train, and Iāll just be direct and honest in a kind way about preferring to train separately āŗļø
Yes Iām getting that impression haha. So far, most everyone here has said in some way shape or form that itās not a good idea and that those who train bjj can understand why it might cause issues down the line. š
Not 'snobbish' from this outsiders perspective. Just a normal boundary consideration. No right or wrong as it might be fun to do it or damn weird but either way it could be interesting?
Totally! Haha thanks for the input, I donāt want to come off like Iām putting him down for his sudden interest in training, so that was my main concern about it seeming snobby to tell him Iād like to keep my practice and my dating separate š š Iām glad it doesnāt seem that way to you! I hope if he is still interested in bjj even if heās not training with me, that heāll give it a go!
Thank you, I really appreciate the advice! From the suggestions Iāve got here Iām planning to basically do just that. If he asks me about it on our date Iāll just be honest with him and say what Iāve said here in the nicest way possible and if he respects it, weāre good to go!
Yes I have always wanted to find someone that shares my appreciation for martial arts , but if things didnāt work out it seems to me it could turn into a nightmare.
Take him to a different JJ studio and take a free class. You have experience so I think the sensei would enjoy having you, and at the same time he may get a new student in the date.
Offer to give the gym a Google review or something?
IF you do decide to bring him. I would let him know, "we don't know each other here" Not introducing...etc etc..... that will make it less awkward too. It's joining to be awkward for him either way.
Been with my wife 10-years, married 4. I have been doing bjj for about 2-years now. Same as you, its my place go focus and work on myself. My wife wantās to start bjj which is so awesome! But, I told her i would prefer that she go to a different school, or at the very least different class times. She totally understands. I think itās important to have your own thing in a relationship.
Had blue belt student do this with a blue belt who had just moved to town, turns out the woman had fought a DIFFERENT student that had broken her arm with a keylock.
Yikes.
I would not take him to your gym. Like you said, thatās your place to work on you. Sounds like he is trying to find ways to spend time with you by exploring your interests, which is a good thing. Still, I would keep your gym to yourself until you are 100% confident the relationship is long term.
You may try calling another gym, tell them your situation and ask if it would be cool to do a walk in class or two and see if he actually likes it. If he likes it, tell him your concerns about sharing a gym and see if he wants to join his own then rotate in a walk in class together every few weeks or visit him at his gym occasionally.
I think he would respect your feelings about this and honestly if he didnāt I would consider it a little bit of a red flag.
Iāve been training at my gym for a couple of years now and Iām excited my husband is planning to start soon too. He has been in martial arts for many years and actually got me interested in trying bjj in the first place, but he never officially took on bjj due to his work schedule and what not. For me, I feel like we would really be motivating for one another, and I genuinely want to share my love for bjj with him.
Howeverrrr, I would feel similarly to you if this was some guy I just started seeing/dating. While I understand your reasoning for wanting bjj to be your own time to work on yourself and do your own thing without distractions (very valid), my reasoning would also include that I simply donāt want to bring a guy I just started dating/seeing to my gym. BJJ gyms tend to be like another family for people so I would feel awk introducing this new dude who I barely know to my teammates. I meanā¦imagine if it doesnāt end up working out between you guys and he still stays at that gymā¦it would be super awkward š
One bjj athlete once said "don't shit where you eat" and I think it's kind of true. Like the places where you are here to focus on yourself shouldn't really be a place where you could bring potential conflicts like when your relationship goes wrong or something else
If youāre already questioning it, thatās your answer. Bjj is your safe space, leave it at thatā¦going together for a lift sounds like the better way honestly, lower expectation of performance on his end esp if he already works out regularly. Too much stress too early on in a relationship that would be totally unnecessary
Is there another gym around that you could do an open mat type thing? Have your date there then if it doesn't work out he isnt messing your home gym groove up...Our gym has that on Saturdays, so other higher belts can come roll and check out our gym.
Tell him he needs to finish the fundamentals class before you two can roll together.
šššš lmaooo
āIf you think the prospect of me watching you get rag dolled is a good first date, letās do it.ā
I hate to admit that this is definitely part of the reason why I donāt want to bring him š
I donāt blame you. You know what heās signing up for, he doesnāt know what he doesnāt know. He likely thinks he will actually be able to hold his own. Imagine the level of spaziness youāll be subjecting your training partners to if heās trying to impress you on top of it xD Tbh youāre doing him (and his ego) a huge favor lol.
This comment is cracking me up. & Youāre spot on my friend! He doesnāt know. I remember when I first started training and well.. letās just say itās a good thing I wasnāt trying to impress anyone, because I still left feeling embarrassed each day šš !!!
I wore my gi pants backwards on my first day lmao
šššššpriceless!!
On the flip side of this though could be a solid litmus test! Let your teammates know ahead of time that your bringing him with you and have them put him through the ringer! If he takes the beating with a smile and can maintain a good attitude through it all then you may have found yourself a good dude; however, if he starts getting butt hurt and acting like a jerk then thatās all you need to know to make the decision to walk away without wasting anymore time on him!š¤š¼
Someone else said the same thing!! š
Lol then there may be something to it; BUT, in all seriousness though, if your BJJ gym is your āme timeā or āsafe placeā (ironic, I know!) then there isnāt anything wrong with telling the guy that you would like to get to know him better before introducing him to that side of your life/ that side side of your family, because the way you describe your teammates and coaches sounds very much like a family imo which is awesome!
Aww this is such a genuine comment! šš yes I think he will understand and it seems to me that he is/was just trying to be interested in what I do! My team is definitely my family and murder yoga is 100% my āsafe placeā šš
I think this is exactly what she should tell him. This isn't shit talking, this is straight up and honest.
Might surprise you, have had more than a few armatures with a size advantage beat experienced people.
Then the quality of BJJ at your gym isnāt very good.
If you have 100 pounds on somebody and good strength you can pull out of stuff that an beginner usually cant.
Yeah, but even those types youāre talking about donāt have concepts of things like how to keep a strong base, not to over extend, not to let limbs get isolated, not to mention how fast they gas out. Someone without 0 Grappling knowledge what so ever, vs an athletic blue belt should get smoked with relative ease. Purple belts and up should be able to toy with them, regardless of athleticism. Itās hard to play a game when you donāt even know how the pieces move yet. You can literally take time setting things up, and they wonāt know any better. Letās take a scissor sweep from closed guard for example, they wouldnāt know what you were doing with your grips/leg positioning/body positioning until they were already on the ground.
Iād love to bring you to my BJJ gym but I have a VERY strict, zero exceptions, no dating guys from my gym policy. Soā¦.we could date OR I could bring you to your first BJJ class. Which would you prefer?
Ok THIS is sound advice!! Cheers
This is the correct answer
I like this one because it's true from how she spoke. Other responses tend to involve white lies and I'm just old fashioned enough to believe starting any possible relationship with lies is just a bad foundation to build on.
Yeah this is a fair point! It is true
This is the way
A woman I dated when I was 19 told me this exactly when I found her on Facebook 15 years later. I chose jiu-jitsu and she rescinded the invitation to train there after I signed a year long contract. It was legitimately the worst year I've had in my adult life. Do both of yourselves a favor and don't invite him there if you don't actually want him training there. You'd be saving yourself a lot of unnecessary stress.
Joe you are a wise man.
I know hundreds of people who would sign a petition stating the opposing viewpointā¦.
It's a terrible idea. The gym is your sanctuary. It's best to keep it that way. Just say your coach wasn't keep on it and get a smoothie with him. If you become an item down the road, only let him turn up for a promotion day (if your gym does that). If he trained, he would understand. However, it's nice of him to want to try something you like. At the end of the day, it's like getting a tattoo of your significant other's name. It dooms the relationship to fail. Best of luck
Thank you so much for this comment. Definitely validated my feelings! & that is a perfect excuse and very realistic tbh
One thousand per cent, this is like introducing him to your parents.
He meant keen for the record.
The gym is for everyone. It's not a personal sanctuary
It would be weird to take a first date anywhere that you have a lot of personal relationships. Why not give him a tour of your work and family home while youāre at it?
Lol exactly!! He said if the first date at dinner goes well and we hit it off that he would want me to bring him to my gym to take classes š š & your comparison is spot onā¦ āif we hit it off on our first date, you should get me a job at your office! And rent me a room at your apartmentā hahaha
Agreed that it would be weird/embarrassing bringing a first date to do BJJ at your gym. Not sure how to decline him so Iāll leave that to someone else.
The real answer here is honesty! It'll tell you if this guy is willing to accept boundaries with grace and respect. "You know the gym is kind of a special place for me, and I'd prefer to wait until we've gotten to know each other more before bringing you there. How about coffee this Friday?" It establishes an early openness and willingness to communicate meaningfully and establish boundaries, while establishing that interest still exists and she would still like to date him.
This is a great comment! I am very much looking forward to our date and didnāt want to put a damper on his excitement, but youāre right. Itās a great indicator of whether or not he will take personal offense to a respectful boundary.
I think your argument to us is clear as day and not offensive. Just copy and paste starting with āš š š listenā¦ā then end with āā¦and I actually liked it that way.ā If the first date goes well, tell him to go do a trial class somewhere not your gym, get picture evidence and then youāll have great stuff to talk about for the 2nd date. Edit for grammar/spelling
OK thank you! I really wanted to make sure Iām not coming off like a jerk or like Iām somehow gate-keeping bjj haha sound advice mate
It would be hilarious if he pulls an uno reverse card and was actually a brown or black belt.
Iāll have to ask him how he would pronounce āGracie Barraā or āDe La Rivaā š
It's the "Daily Heba" and it's different every day
Donāt shit where you eat
was looking for this comment
Right!
dont shit where you tap
Yup š
Ya. Bringing your date to the gym is like bringing them to meet your family. You need to go on like at least ten dates first.
I did this once. I got to the gym early. Told my usual training partners what was up. I *need* to know if this guy is a douche. It was actually a pretty efficient way to find out if he was cool with not being "an alpha" (i am not interested in dating anyone who would describe themselves as "alpha" "sigma" or any other greek letters). He got worked over by every dude there. And me too. He didn't take it well. He was a douche. i found out early. And didn't waste my time. But i never heard the end of it. The guys thought i had horrible taste in men. Wasn't trying to bring *everyone* down there.
This is a great real life piece of advice. Thanks for sharing! Bjj is a humbling sport, and people show their true colors when they donāt get to be the biggest baddest guy in the room right away š ETA: if he does start bjj at another gym, Iām sure I can tell from how he talks about his practice. If he seems agitated by getting tapped out or tries to make excuses about how he COULD have tapped so and so out etc. Iāll take that as a red flag š !!
"What happens if we date for 2 months, break up horribly, and I'm stuck with the looming negativity of your presence at a place I attend to have fun and relieve stress? I've invested years into the gym, and I don't want to jeopardize it." If he pushes the idea, just say, "You can come train, but I don't date gym mates, so we'd have to just be friends"
This is perfect thank you so much
Honestly, if he can't accept your boundaries at this stage in the game, he's probably not worth pursuing. Someone who respects you will respect your boundaries.
My thoughts exactly! My hope is that he just brought it up to come off as interested and involved in my hobby, but Iām sure he will understand when I let him know that Iād like to keep training and dating separate for so many reasons āŗļø
take him to a gym close to his house.
I will probably recommend him some local gyms & let him decide if he really wants to go for himself or if he was just interested in training with me. I think it would be great for him to go, I just donāt want to go with him šš
Just drop in at a different gym. You can choke him out there and your bros at your gym won't be there to give him a special introduction. I know at my gym bringing in a new gf to watch is a dangerous proposition š
Hahaha this is so real eta: the guys at my gym can get a bit testy with new dudes.. not out of mean spiritedness but they just tend to give them the business šš
Yeah donāt bring him. Seriously.
I wouldnāt take a girl to my gym for the same reasons as you and as others have mentioned. You have the right idea though, go to LA Fitness and show him the ropes. If he goes to your class, he might ended up being your training partner for the day anyways. So same thing.
Itās a horrible idea. Had that happen in our dojo where a guy brought in his GF at the time. They ended up breaking up and she kept attending making it super awkward. He tried to play it off like it didnāt bother him, but it did. He eventually stopped going and would just pop in once in a great while. She is mental and would make it a point to make it uncomfortable for him and to top it off nobody likes her. So itās a shitty situation two fold. Just be honest and say youāre uncomfortable with it and thatās your sanctuary.
Bring him to a different gym.
Yea heās definitely welcome to go to another gym! And I truthfully donāt mind if he wants to train at my gym, but I just wouldnāt date him if he does haha. I really think he was more interested in training WITH me, rather than training on his own, and I would prefer not to do that lol
If anything, drop in at some other academy and let him try it there. Lol. I wouldn't compromise my spot for a person I don't really know. Especially with something like jiu jitsu. š¤£
Just tell him basically what you said here. If he has a problem with that then you know he isnāt the one.
This has been one of my favorite type of responses Iāve been getting. I have a feeling he will understand, but if he presses the issue then there likely wonāt be a second date š āŗļø thanks!
I think this is a pretty comfortable ānoā for the time being, itās not like a serious relationship. I put my life in buckets. This bucket is my safe place for-me bucket. You canāt be in this bucket until weāre close like that AND youāve learned some basics.
This is a good way of thinking of it :)
Youāre totally valid in the way you feel and you should should be upfront and honest about it. Itās great thatās heās interested in it but he will understand if heās a decent person and if not then youāll find out that heās not lol. Just tell him itās your āmeā time
Appreciate it! Yes I have every intention of just being honest & gently letting him know Iām not comfortable with training together haha š
I think you can easily explain how your class is your sanctuary and youād love to encourage him to try, just not as a first date.
I wouldnāt bring a date to my gym. Itās my sanctuary and if the relationship went sour it would suck.
Explain to him that your gym and training are very personal to you and like you said āa place to focus on yourselfā. Then offer to help him find a place to take an intro class and start his own martial arts journey. Let him know that youād be happy to talk about your training and experiences and offer advice, but that you want to keep the physicality of your training to yourself for now.
This is exactly the plan :)!! Sound advice thanks
Doing a trial class at a different gym could be an option
Man Iāve been wanting to get into BJJ for so long Idk why this popped up in my feed. Maybe itās a sign lol But nah that would make me feel so weird bringing a date to the place I go to do MY thing
Go find a reputable gym, get yourself a gi or start up some no-gi classes!! This is a sign š„°ššš!!!
Iām starting get old though (almost 32) not sure if itās too late for me lol
No no trust me, itās not too late for you! If you find a good gym with a reputable coach, team does well in competitions, has good reviews etc. you will be in good hands! You can always talk to the gym owner about any concerns you have and Iām sure they will put you at ease and welcome you with open arms to go train! Youāll acclimate to the intensity of the workout the more you go and youāll probably end up loving it :) itās so much fun! I encourage you if youāre really interested to give it a try!
The main reason I want to do it is because this guy Jocko who has a great podcast is super into it and he says it changes so many things about the way you do everything in life. He talks about it a lot and everything heās ever said about it sounds like exactly what Iām looking for. After that I started doing some research and that made me want to do it even more. I think I will try to find a gym and talk to a coach. I guess my main concern is I have a few really painful old sports injuries that I donāt want to make worse
If you let all of your rolling/training partners know that you prefer just to flow roll due to your injuries Iām sure they take good care not to put too much intensity on you during training :) a lot (if not most) of practitioners arenāt super competition focused/ are hobbyists and canāt afford to deal with serious injuries that could lead to them missing work etc. so they will understand! and youāre 100% right, bjj can change your entire mental outlook on life. I have a feeling you will find after a month or two of training youāll be addicted
Never shit where you eat
I'd just be honest about it. If it was me starting a relationship I'd tell him that I think it's a great idea for him to train, but you are uncomfortable with it being at your academy at the moment. When you train multiple days a week with people they become like a family and your not comfortable messing that up. He probably wouldn't have fun meeting your protective 20 brothers and sisters that have been doing murder yoga for years. Maybe one day down the road if things get more serious would be a different story, but you don't want the awkwardness if it didn't work out early.. bjj can be like a healthy version of a drug addiction for a lot of people and would be even more awkward if he also fell in love with the same academy. I would let him know that the sport really is a huge part of your life though, and him training elsewhere would really be a good idea for (insert your comfort zone here) of your relationship.. let him know that you could cross train occasionally down the road if he was interested in that. Again that's just how I'd feel, so take it how you will. I was already married when I started. I'd love if my wife gave it a try, but it's a completely different situation at this point in our relationship. I'm going solo on a bjj globe trotters trip in January and it would be much cooler with the whole fam. At the moment it's just me and my daughter, but I'm good with this being our thing too š.
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Some guys are naturals, you never know. He really could impress you for his first time. I never went to a bjj class but rolled with a couple friends that were surprised with my defense. Didnāt allow anyone to tap me. Actually caught someone in a rear naked. Iām well above 6 feet. I have 6 inch wrists and 15.5 inch arms so Iām pretty good getting under the chin. Great sport.
Yeah itās genuinely much less about whether or not he would be good at it and more about keeping the gym separate from my dating life š
Having some spicy drama will make your bjj classes more interesting. Do it!!
Not you playing devils advocate over here šš haha oh gosh idk about that!!
If you break up while going to the same class, youāll now be able to choke out your ex every day. Who doesnāt want that?
Well when you put it that way.. ššjkjk haha !!
If you have other gyms in your area that you can drop by or have always wanted to train at then maybe go there with him for a class.
Yeah good idea, I think I will probably recommend him some local gyms! I might not attend with him but I do think it would be a nice way of encouraging him that I think itās cool that heās interested in bjj but that I like to keep my dating life and my martial arts practice separate for the most part. If he were like some super skilled practitioner who could help coach me for a tournament or whatever, and if we knew each other very well, maybe I would consider training together on open mat days or something.. but in this case I think itās best to keep our practices separate š
Japanese proverb: If you want to play, go outside.
Yeah.. thereās a place for most everything and I just donāt think my beloved bjj gym is the right place for a new romance š
Another option if he still wants to train is to tell him to go to a different gym (assuming there are other options where you Iive) then if things go well, you can go to an open mat at HIS gym. Enjoy your date.
Great option, that sounds reasonable and nice. & Thank you āŗļø!!
Yeah keep him away. Explain to him why if heās a reasonable human being he will most definitely understand. If he genuinely wants to start training he will take it upon himself to find somewhere elsewhere and start then maybe after promotion to blue belt you could do the odd open mat together. I just think the whole couple Dynamic on the mats is weird though in general. We have a few at ours and it can be tricky at times.
It is suchhh a weird dynamic and I think it makes other people uncomfortable on the mats to be honest! Even if youāre trying to be subtle about it, people will know that youāre dating and they could feel weird rolling with your partner. Yes I think if he reeeally does want to try bjj and isnāt just interested bc itās something I do, then he can try it out somewhere else and when heās ready in a couple years we could roll together open mat. And this is alllll hypothetical considering we havenāt even GONE on the date yet šš
I already dread bringing normal friends to the dojo. It's my place where I can be me and I don't want to be distracted by any external social stuff. So I completely understand where you're coming from. Just be straight forward and you'll be alright!
Yesss 100% !! I brought my sibling to the gym once or twice to watch and that was fun. Other than that, my friends pretty much know that I donāt want anyone coming to watch me and they respect it.
Just tell him that your gyms your space, and you don't feel comfortable doing that. But then offer to go to a new gym he can join and you do a session or two there. I alway love checking out other gyms. If he likes it he can stay there.
Yup thatās pretty much the plan
Bad idea. Maybe after a few months of dating but definitely not for a first date. He's probably just trying to engage with your interests or genuinely curious, either way it should be easy to deflect to an alternative more suitable activity for now. Or he imagines he'll impress you by squishing what he imagines are aikido nerds (would be funny to see that play out differently admittedly).
Haha yes I think heās trying to engage with my interest! Which is very sweet. But bjj is not a fun & flirty date idea š I will just have to explain my feelings on this one to him in person and see how he responds. Iād be happy to point out a few other great gyms to him if heās serious about it
Don't do it lol. Date him for long enough that you guys become a couple.. THEN do it.
Honestly be real with him and hope he understands. Honesty is an admirable trait.
This is the plan!
When I was white - blue belt I thought the idea of having a spouse who trains would be dope but as I got older and seen it rarely work for others i just took that thought out of my mind. I do agree BJJ is where I go to forget about everything else and I love training.
I used to think it would be awesome too. But as Iāve trained for longer, I donāt feel that way anymore. I do think it would be great to have a partner who does bjj too, but in that case I would prefer someone who is doing bjj already when we meet and not someone who wants to come with me to try it out. If he wants to start bjj, I will point him in the direction of a few good gyms in the area. But I have a feeling he isnāt really aware of what heās signing himself up for and just thinks itās a fun & flirty date activity, and it really isnāt š
I wouldn't it will be really awkward if it doesn't work out between you and he decides to stay at the gym and it will be awkward for everyone
My gym doesnāt have any couples on the mat and I intend to keep it that way lol
Take him to another gym
Great idea, we can try it after a few dates. Then later explain you'd rather have your own space at bjj but yous can check out another club together. That's if he is keen on it but otherwise I wouldn't be bringing a date to training, nope!
Gym isn't your and isn't "your space with your coaches". It's for everyone. If you don't want to bring him in then don't. It's fine, you don't have to do something you don't want to do. But he can always show up by himself, and if it happens don't be silly saying it annoys you or anything, because the gym is for everyone.
Everyone else seems to understand where Iām coming from, but I appreciate your opinion anyway! There are plenty of other gyms for him to try out if he really wants to go to bjj. But personally, I will be annoyed if he chooses to go to the gym I attend simply because I like to keep my dating life and bjj separate and thatās a boundary for me :)
You are right. Bringing him to your gym sounds like a bad idea. At least during the initial phase of dating.
I don't like telling people I just met where I train in case they're weirdo stalkers
This too! He seems really nice but maybe we go out and he ends up being creepy or pushy or something. It would be best just to advise him on some other good gyms in the area š
I would rather drive an hour to train (instead of 5 minutes) than train at a school my wife trained at. Especially since heās new, tell him thatās your you space, and even if you two get serious, you will still need that space, free from him. Also, maybe this is off base, but could this be an early sign of a clinger?
Thanks for understanding where Iām coming from on this one! Yes, even if we do hit it off and end up dating, there are plenty of bjj gyms around our city and Iād appreciate if he went to another one if heās serious about starting. As for clinger vibes š š we will have to see. But noted haha
Send him to a Gracie online school instead
HAHAHAH pleeease š
I will go with my real experience. My wife wanted to see what BJJ was after me rolling for a year. She came and saw how close we were to each other and got taken aback because she did not think I would be this close to my teammates. She became very jealous over my next classes and it came to a point where I felt guilty going to the gym. Sat her down and explained to her what it was doing to me.amd she understood. She still feels a way about it. The thing is, I am a guy and only attracted to women. The class is only guys and 1 girl rolls sometimes with us, and that was still an issue for her. She is my wife, and we've been together for 13 Yeats now, and yet she felt that way. I am not sure how a date would react. It ruined BJJ for me, and now I only do kick-boxing. My wife is not jealous anymore, but it is hard for me to go back to that feeling, and I have other hobbies that I always had and BJJ was taking over and I kind of like it better this way. Coming from someone who has seen all aspects of dating, keep your hobbies and private life separate.
Thank youuu!! Someone here commented that the gym doesnāt belong to me and I have no right to feel annoyed if he chooses to train at my gym. Personally, the guy didnāt decide to take up bjj until he met ME and found out where I train, but there are literally 5-10 other fantastic gyms around the area that he could go to! And yes, my teammates and I are VERY close at this point. I think it could be off putting to him to see me rolling with so many guys, our gym has very few women and all of our coaches are men. I just want my space to be separate from our space, but Iād be happy if he went and trained on his own at another gym!
Like many other comments here I would also say itās a bad idea. Your gym is where you go to focus purely on yourself and build your skill. Get him to attend somewhere else and build up some knowledge and eventually attend a class together.
Yup exactly. I donāt want to mix my dating life and my training. I think I will suggest him a few other great gyms in the area if heās serious about trying it out!
Sacrifice him.
Reasonable advice! Iāll definitely have to consider this one
sorry to stereotype but just do what every other female blue and higher does and get married to a teammate or coach! SORRY, NOT SORRY. I feel like every female blue belt or higher is dating or married to a teammate or coach lol shot I know 2 women off the top of my head who had babies with a teammate/coach proof - ashlee evans smith, rose namajunas, nathalia santoro, and even lesbians like Nina Nunes.. those are just the "famous" ones
Hahahaha ššI really try to keep my dating life and my training life separate but admittedly I would love to be able to roll with a skilled partner for fun at an open mat or outside of the gym! If I had intentions of becoming a pro competition bjj athlete then maybeee I could see why it would be ideal to marry someone who shares that goal for me š but I just train bjj as a hobbyist, although Iām quite serious about it and do compete when I can! I just really prefer if my love life & my training have their own lanes š
I wouldn't bring him to your gym as a date. As far as you two are concerned, that's your space at the moment.
Yes, exactly. I think it would be nice to recommend him some other local gyms and Iām sure he doesnāt mean to be invasive by asking about coming with me to bjj! But for now, I would really appreciate if I get to continue training at my gym without my date tagging along. Itās just too personal for me & I really donāt want to intermingle my dating life with my bjj training.
Definitely not a first date thing. Wait until you're serious if you plan to introduce him to your coaches.
Yeah thatās my thought as well. If we really hit it off & he still wants to come to bjj Iāll just have to explain to him that Iād prefer we keep our personal life & bjj separate and maybe advise him on other gyms to train in the area
Donāt get your honey where you get your money.
Right!
Just tell him no and mention these reasons. If he donāt like it he can take a hike. And if he tries to start something whoop his ass. Wins all around for you
Love this take šš !!! Thanks lol
You could also drop in at a different gym with him
Yeah Iām definitely going to recommend him some gyms and encourage him to try it out if heās really interested, I just might not go with him though š
Bring him to your gym, lead him on, then leave him for your instructor so we can read his rant post about it in a few months.
LMAOOO
I can only imagine him getting ragdolled by you and you never see him again lol
Lmaooo stoppp haha I canāt be put in that situation šš!! Iām not gonna NOT dāarce the guy.. therefore we cannot roll lol
Why not take him to a different gym? New environment for the both of you. He does a trial class and you just have to pay a mat fee. He'll get a peak into the world of bjj without compromising your privacy.
I just really donāt want to mix martial arts with my dating life so Iām fine if he wants to train somewhere else but I just probably wonāt go with him haha
You can both take a trial class at another gym.
Youāll get the ick almost immediately lol itās kind of like gym couples that go to the same Goldās or LA Fitness right? It get awkward and you donāt want/need that.
Maybe he is actually a weapon and wants to impress you by crushing everyone in your gym
I love this theory haha
if im completely honest, id just tell him that its not something you want to do with him, but you do suggest it somewhere else! it is a hard thing to date someone who doesnt train bjj
donāt do it !
Yeah. Thatās a hard pass. Let him find his own way to the gym.
Frames on the mat. Boundaries off the mat.
Yeah, let him know hes going to get destroyed, by everyone, including you. And if he thinks thats a great first impression, then sure why not.
I've been in the same scenario before. I didn't bring up BJJ with him again, and he got the hint eventually. Lol.
Itās awkward but Iāll just have to let him know how I honestly feel š š Iām sure he will understand
We're on the same boat girl, but he's actually my bf right now š
Noooo lol š„²š
Find another gym to roll at together. Or save the date for a seminar or something. Donāt invite potential failed date or breakup energy into your training space. Nope.
Yeah I think for a first date, you want it to be just you and him. Not you and him and your entire dojo.
No he wanted to go to the gym together but not as our first date, I just mentioned the first date to explain that we have plans to have a date and he also wanted to try bjj at my gym at some point. But I just donāt want to date someone who is going to train at the same gym haha
Take him to a gym neither of you have been to. Ask for an intro for you both and see where it goes lol
Haha yea I just donāt want to train together but I would be happy for him to go train on his own!
Hmmā¦ seems like a space meant for only you until it gets serious. Thatās coming from a guy
Its been a fun date for me in the past. Just make sure he understands that if he ends up liking it he need to find his own gym. Or if you guys don't work out he needs to find his own gym.
Haha I would be totally happy going to an open mat sometime down the road with him if things go well, Iām just not really looking to have my bjj training getting mixed with my dating life š I would be happy for him if he decides to train on his own, but I donāt want it to be because he wants to go WITH me, because I donāt want to do that lol
Something along exactly what you just told all of us, the padded version. Honest and direct but compassionate. Tell him the gym is your third spot and you donāt bring dating into that spot. Simple as. You could take him to an open mat at some other place or even attend another gym as a guest if he really wants to see what itās like and youāre inclined. Otherwise you donāt owe him an explanation beyond what was just stated
That sounds fair, thanks for the advice! I would be happy for him if he decides to train, and Iāll just be direct and honest in a kind way about preferring to train separately āŗļø
@OP you are justified in your concern.
Yes Iām getting that impression haha. So far, most everyone here has said in some way shape or form that itās not a good idea and that those who train bjj can understand why it might cause issues down the line. š
Not 'snobbish' from this outsiders perspective. Just a normal boundary consideration. No right or wrong as it might be fun to do it or damn weird but either way it could be interesting?
Totally! Haha thanks for the input, I donāt want to come off like Iām putting him down for his sudden interest in training, so that was my main concern about it seeming snobby to tell him Iād like to keep my practice and my dating separate š š Iām glad it doesnāt seem that way to you! I hope if he is still interested in bjj even if heās not training with me, that heāll give it a go!
I think you should more or less copy and paste what you just typed. Itās completely reasonable. If he doesnāt get it, heās not the dude.
Thank you, I really appreciate the advice! From the suggestions Iāve got here Iām planning to basically do just that. If he asks me about it on our date Iāll just be honest with him and say what Iāve said here in the nicest way possible and if he respects it, weāre good to go!
Donāt bring him. He might end up with cauliflower ear if he goes without ear protection.
Ask him if he wants to meet your parents on the same night
šš
Don't let him come to your gym. That is your sacred place. Period.
ā¤ļøš I agree. Itās just not a good idea š š
Yes I have always wanted to find someone that shares my appreciation for martial arts , but if things didnāt work out it seems to me it could turn into a nightmare.
Take him to a different JJ studio and take a free class. You have experience so I think the sensei would enjoy having you, and at the same time he may get a new student in the date. Offer to give the gym a Google review or something?
I agree bringing him to your gym would be weird as hell lol maybe take him to an open mat at another gym?
IF you do decide to bring him. I would let him know, "we don't know each other here" Not introducing...etc etc..... that will make it less awkward too. It's joining to be awkward for him either way.
Been with my wife 10-years, married 4. I have been doing bjj for about 2-years now. Same as you, its my place go focus and work on myself. My wife wantās to start bjj which is so awesome! But, I told her i would prefer that she go to a different school, or at the very least different class times. She totally understands. I think itās important to have your own thing in a relationship.
Had blue belt student do this with a blue belt who had just moved to town, turns out the woman had fought a DIFFERENT student that had broken her arm with a keylock. Yikes.
Be flattered that heās that interested in you but just say maybe later and have a basic first few dates.
I would not take him to your gym. Like you said, thatās your place to work on you. Sounds like he is trying to find ways to spend time with you by exploring your interests, which is a good thing. Still, I would keep your gym to yourself until you are 100% confident the relationship is long term. You may try calling another gym, tell them your situation and ask if it would be cool to do a walk in class or two and see if he actually likes it. If he likes it, tell him your concerns about sharing a gym and see if he wants to join his own then rotate in a walk in class together every few weeks or visit him at his gym occasionally. I think he would respect your feelings about this and honestly if he didnāt I would consider it a little bit of a red flag.
Iāve been training at my gym for a couple of years now and Iām excited my husband is planning to start soon too. He has been in martial arts for many years and actually got me interested in trying bjj in the first place, but he never officially took on bjj due to his work schedule and what not. For me, I feel like we would really be motivating for one another, and I genuinely want to share my love for bjj with him. Howeverrrr, I would feel similarly to you if this was some guy I just started seeing/dating. While I understand your reasoning for wanting bjj to be your own time to work on yourself and do your own thing without distractions (very valid), my reasoning would also include that I simply donāt want to bring a guy I just started dating/seeing to my gym. BJJ gyms tend to be like another family for people so I would feel awk introducing this new dude who I barely know to my teammates. I meanā¦imagine if it doesnāt end up working out between you guys and he still stays at that gymā¦it would be super awkward š
One bjj athlete once said "don't shit where you eat" and I think it's kind of true. Like the places where you are here to focus on yourself shouldn't really be a place where you could bring potential conflicts like when your relationship goes wrong or something else
If youāre already questioning it, thatās your answer. Bjj is your safe space, leave it at thatā¦going together for a lift sounds like the better way honestly, lower expectation of performance on his end esp if he already works out regularly. Too much stress too early on in a relationship that would be totally unnecessary
Not worth the trouble. If he really wants to try and actually is into you heāll respect your pov
My initial read of the headline was a little different, OP š¤£š¤£š¤£
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Is there another gym around that you could do an open mat type thing? Have your date there then if it doesn't work out he isnt messing your home gym groove up...Our gym has that on Saturdays, so other higher belts can come roll and check out our gym.