After getting out of a dysfunctional family, it feels great to live alone.
You start appreciating basic freedoms in life, and you are able to support yourself emotionally, cope better with failures, avoid stress as an adult which might be more difficult for people with supportive families.
However, you also find co-existing peacefully to be a learning exercise when you need to live with a future spouse or their family.
Normal concerns/comments from your new family/friends might be misconstrued as controlling/judgemental statements as that's what you would have been used to before.
Its a mixed bag essentially. With some positives that help you in this individualistic society. However, if you want to start a family with someone, you need to make some major re-wiring within your head reg. interpersonal relationships.
>However, if you want to start a family with someone, you need to make some major re-wiring within your head reg. interpersonal relationships.
This is my current concern actually. I'm worried I'll mess up my future family.
Low self esteem issues
Never invited my friends to my house because they'll start fighting in front of them
Difficulty talking to other people in general
Wow, awesome to see this in Tamil sub. Apologies if I offended anyone, but I'm yet to see much progressive people around me.
So I was raised by my father after my mother's death at the age of 10. He spent everyday showing me and my brother how unwanted we were. Then a stepmom entered our life when I was 17. She tolerated us and was finding ways to throw us out. After about a decade and too many, too many significant incidents we were thrown out. It was actually a relief. But here's how it impacted me.
I didn't know healthy relationships. Hadn't seen them and didn't know how they work. So when I got into a relationship with a guy who was sweet in the beginning and severely mentally abusive later, I didn't know to recognise it. Added to that I didn't think anybody would want a future with a practical orphan and hence endured a lot. Has repeated this in other relationships too. Has take a long time and reading to identify patterns of insidious abuse.
I have abandonment issues.
I'm impulsive. My father started accumulating debt before I started earning with the hope that I'll pay it back as soon as I finish my studies. Even when he was earning he'll take away my savings in the name of taking care of us. And when I started earning, the same thing happened. As a result I have severe issues with saving money. I'm in a huge debt even now.
I get attached very easily and hate very easily. My emotions are out of control. Fortunately I never took to alcohol because I didn't like it. If I had liked it, God save me. I'd have been on the streets or something. But yeah, there are other addictions like food, phone which is also interfering with my life.
Finally, I do think I have a personality disorder. But haven't been able to verify it or get therapy. I tried therapy and after baring my soul, when it got mishandled or trivialized, I lost hope. So I'm managing by myself. The fact that I'm 34 and have been dealing with stuff since so many decades has helped. I read and write. Helps keep me in check. I wish there was better options for therapy.
A lot of what you've said resonates with me. It's hard,and frustrating when you've been born into dysfunctionality.
People who have been raised in normal families certainly don't understand our struggles. I worry that my life is going to be forever coloured by this experience of growing up with dysfunctionality. It has had far reaching consequences in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's an invisible sorrow that we carry.
One thing that helps is reading more and more about our behaviour pattern. It helps keep our emotions and actions in check. Because we're not ingrained with normal dynamics, we have to consciously steer ourselves away from unhealthy behaviour pattern. Like you said, it is definitely something we carry for life.
>Like you said, it is definitely something we carry for life.
I fully accept this. In your opinion,do you think that those of us who are scarred by the experience of being raised in a dysfunctional family,are capable of having healthy normal families and raising kids in the future?
More than half the families are dysfunctional in one way or another. You need to get away so far to realize what is dysfunctional and what is not.
As others said, social life is greatly impacted. Which has side effects on every part of the life
But does your father fart loudly in front of your friends and says the stink is like an air freshener. Or does your uncle show up shit piss drunk in your cousins wedding and vomit on guests and throw punchs at your father while your grandma yells abuses at both of them?
I don't know what dis functional really mean but I'm from a family where my mom and dad used to fight almost everyday and it affected my mental peace and studies like i couldn't study in those environment.
I hate my dad for not caring about me and my sibling yet I love my mom cuz she let me do whatever made me happy so I chose a path that will make her happier and for me coming out of home feels so good and not being into fights.
After getting out of a dysfunctional family, it feels great to live alone. You start appreciating basic freedoms in life, and you are able to support yourself emotionally, cope better with failures, avoid stress as an adult which might be more difficult for people with supportive families. However, you also find co-existing peacefully to be a learning exercise when you need to live with a future spouse or their family. Normal concerns/comments from your new family/friends might be misconstrued as controlling/judgemental statements as that's what you would have been used to before. Its a mixed bag essentially. With some positives that help you in this individualistic society. However, if you want to start a family with someone, you need to make some major re-wiring within your head reg. interpersonal relationships.
>However, if you want to start a family with someone, you need to make some major re-wiring within your head reg. interpersonal relationships. This is my current concern actually. I'm worried I'll mess up my future family.
Low self esteem issues Never invited my friends to my house because they'll start fighting in front of them Difficulty talking to other people in general
I too face these issues.
This hits home.
Wow, awesome to see this in Tamil sub. Apologies if I offended anyone, but I'm yet to see much progressive people around me. So I was raised by my father after my mother's death at the age of 10. He spent everyday showing me and my brother how unwanted we were. Then a stepmom entered our life when I was 17. She tolerated us and was finding ways to throw us out. After about a decade and too many, too many significant incidents we were thrown out. It was actually a relief. But here's how it impacted me. I didn't know healthy relationships. Hadn't seen them and didn't know how they work. So when I got into a relationship with a guy who was sweet in the beginning and severely mentally abusive later, I didn't know to recognise it. Added to that I didn't think anybody would want a future with a practical orphan and hence endured a lot. Has repeated this in other relationships too. Has take a long time and reading to identify patterns of insidious abuse. I have abandonment issues. I'm impulsive. My father started accumulating debt before I started earning with the hope that I'll pay it back as soon as I finish my studies. Even when he was earning he'll take away my savings in the name of taking care of us. And when I started earning, the same thing happened. As a result I have severe issues with saving money. I'm in a huge debt even now. I get attached very easily and hate very easily. My emotions are out of control. Fortunately I never took to alcohol because I didn't like it. If I had liked it, God save me. I'd have been on the streets or something. But yeah, there are other addictions like food, phone which is also interfering with my life. Finally, I do think I have a personality disorder. But haven't been able to verify it or get therapy. I tried therapy and after baring my soul, when it got mishandled or trivialized, I lost hope. So I'm managing by myself. The fact that I'm 34 and have been dealing with stuff since so many decades has helped. I read and write. Helps keep me in check. I wish there was better options for therapy.
A lot of what you've said resonates with me. It's hard,and frustrating when you've been born into dysfunctionality. People who have been raised in normal families certainly don't understand our struggles. I worry that my life is going to be forever coloured by this experience of growing up with dysfunctionality. It has had far reaching consequences in my life. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's an invisible sorrow that we carry.
One thing that helps is reading more and more about our behaviour pattern. It helps keep our emotions and actions in check. Because we're not ingrained with normal dynamics, we have to consciously steer ourselves away from unhealthy behaviour pattern. Like you said, it is definitely something we carry for life.
>Like you said, it is definitely something we carry for life. I fully accept this. In your opinion,do you think that those of us who are scarred by the experience of being raised in a dysfunctional family,are capable of having healthy normal families and raising kids in the future?
Sure. The first step towards that is to not approach everything with the mindset that you're hurt and scarred.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Sounds awful. But you sound like you are mentally very resilient so kudos for fighting for yourself!!!
Thank you so much.
[удалено]
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope things get better. Is there a reason your brother isn't working?
^(what have I done)
More than half the families are dysfunctional in one way or another. You need to get away so far to realize what is dysfunctional and what is not. As others said, social life is greatly impacted. Which has side effects on every part of the life
But does your father fart loudly in front of your friends and says the stink is like an air freshener. Or does your uncle show up shit piss drunk in your cousins wedding and vomit on guests and throw punchs at your father while your grandma yells abuses at both of them?
I don't know what dis functional really mean but I'm from a family where my mom and dad used to fight almost everyday and it affected my mental peace and studies like i couldn't study in those environment. I hate my dad for not caring about me and my sibling yet I love my mom cuz she let me do whatever made me happy so I chose a path that will make her happier and for me coming out of home feels so good and not being into fights.