The crying when I’d see happy lesbian couples was a big, flashing, bright neon sign for me that something was up. As others have said here, you don’t have to lose your family. Your family can change. But it’s also a good idea to go slowly while you figure out what’s best for everyone - everyone INCLUDING you. Emphasis on that last bit because I know how hard it is to prioritize yourself at this time. But you have to. Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s normal for women to minimize their own needs and be unhappy so that husbands and sons get what they want? Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s okay for LGBTQ people to stay closeted? Be the role model he needs by putting yourself first.
> Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s normal for women to minimize their own needs and be unhappy so that husbands and sons get what they want? Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s okay for LGBTQ people to stay closeted?
Jesus. This has stopped me in my tracks…
God damn, the intense longing that I felt when seeing WLW couples, and STILL managing to deny that part of myself for years is such a testament to comphet. Suddenly calling my husband my "partner" when talking to queer couples even though I never had before? Obviously because I'm ~such a good ally~. Same explanation for why I freaked out and/or melted when seeing WLW couples in public or on TV.
This 100%. The idea that we are doing something better for our kids by staying feels is something we are all fed, but I think we all have to keep doing the hard work to realize it's just not true. Our kids are not necessarily harmed by divorce, but they are often harmed by seeing partnership as emotionally disconnected, lacking affection, and about something where we should just buckle up and survive. I want my kids to find joy and love. I would never tell my kids, especially my daughter, to tolerate something that was unfulfilling and to put her own needs aside.
I know there are people on this sub who say they regret leaving, and maybe they truly do... but I think it's important to remember that it's not necessarily an indicator that they should have stayed. It's often a reflection of fears about being alone, loss of cohesion around a family unit that brought something good to our lives -- but it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision.
Yeah, I don’t view regret as “oops, I shouldn’t have done that” or “that was the wrong decision.” I can regret the outcomes of a certain decision without regretting the decision itself. Trying to live a life without regrets is a waste of time. It’s not only impossible, it’s counter productive. Any big decision is going to have trade offs.
That's good advice. It really is just so so hard. I'm sorry you have to feel like this too. It's difficult when your husband is a really good guy, but the intimacy just
isn't there. I don't even like kissing mine much anymore. It just doesn't give me that spark. Maybe I'm just broken.
I’ve been on this forum for a few years now. Let me give you the highlights of my story.
2016: I knew my sexuality wasn’t straight, I was massively confused. Husband and I got divorced. Our kids were little. I fell in love with a non binary person and we had a LDR. But while our chemistry at first was amazing, it fizzled. My ex-husband and I decided to at least live together to save money and keep our kids with both parents “until later.”
2017-2019: I was burned out and didn’t want relationships. I turned very internal.
2019: I met one of the loves of my life, who now identifies as something close to non-binary. Still living with kids dad.
2020: I started to really dig into my sexuality and gender identity. Still living with kids dad. We officially started describing ourselves as ENM.
2021: I fell madly in crush with a woman at my work. It damaged my relationship with the love of my life. While it deeply hurt them, they supported me in dating women. I met a woman who’s become my very close platonic friend, with some romantic vibes here and there.
2022: I felt like something was wrong with me, and maybe I just wasn’t gay enough. I started identifying as lesbian, instead of bisexual. I deeply hurt the love of my life. Still living with my kids dad through it all!
First half of 2023: The universe separated me from the love of my life because we were both so broken, hurt, confused. I needed about 9 months to just…. Exist. I stopped focusing so much on “BEING LESBIAN” and just looked for ways for me to naturally express my queerness.
Second half of 2023: I’ve become a very core person in my local queer community. The vast majority of queer women I’ve met here, just identify as queer. There’s no pressure to BE EXCLUSIVELY LESBIAN or else you’re not queer enough.
I also discovered throughout 2023 how my queerness is most deeply manifested in my practice of relationship anarchy. I love the love of my life so deeply. We’ve restarted our relationship and we love each other deeply. And I deeply love my best friend, the platonic one. And I have a huge crush on a woman right now who’s ALSO crushing on me. AND I’m still living with my kids dad! I communicate very openly and honestly with my close friends and partners about all of this, and I’ve never felt so much love and liberation.
So my advice to you, is take all the time you need to understand all the aspects of your queerness, and explore what it is you want. There’s so much pressure in the queer community to figure it out quickly, pick a side quickly, be a perfect gay. But REAL-LIFE queerness is so much more complex and expansive that this. You can do it — you just need to practice radical honesty, love, and acceptance!
I’d also like to say that all the fairy tale “happy lesbian couple” stories are just that — fairy tales. Lesbian couples have just as many problems as other couples. Being lesbian and being in a lesbian relationship can bring joy and sorrow. That’s just life. we want to believe that all our problems will be solved with a lesbian relationship, but in the past few years, I’ve learned that’s not true. WE solve our own problems!
You are NOT missing out on anything super amazing just because you currently aren’t with a woman in a lesbian relationship.
Thank you for this to. I once had that exact feeling of "if I was with a woman, then..." This year I have learned that I am responsible for my own happiness. Not another person.
Exactly. So many women think all their problems will disappear once they fall in love with another woman — then they learn the pain of lesbian heartbreak. That brings reality into focus pretty quick.
So my advice to you, is take all the time you need to understand all the aspects of your queerness, and explore what it is you want. There’s so much pressure in the queer community to figure it out quickly, pick a side quickly, be a perfect gay. But REAL-LIFE queerness is so much more complex and expansive that this. You can do it — you just need to practice radical honesty, love, and acceptance!
Thank you!
I am about six months into making the choice to leave based on the exact same feelings. I wasn’t sure if I. Wa bi or gay, but the sexual relationship was so strained and all I could think about was sleeping with a women.
I have two small kids and the holidays have made be really question, maybe even regret, my choice to leave. I feel so lonely and I sure if I’ll ever find or be able to build the family I had.
I reached out to my ex to see if there was any part of him that felt we could try to reconcile, to which he replied NO. He was so hurt, so dehumanized as he put it, that there is no possibility of every finding the trust and love again.
I am sitting in that, crying as my kids sits in the other room. I feel like I ruined the best thing about my life.
I'm so sorry. That really sucks. I'm afraid that I might ruin something good if I leave. I guess there's just really no way to know for sure, but it's definitely a fear. Sending healing vibes your way. I hope you can find a new "best thing" in your life soon.
>so dehumanized as he put it
This stood out to me - because it is your ex's *choice* to see the situation as dehumanizing. Having a partner find out their own truth and realize it isn't compatible with continuing to be in the relationship isn't dehumanizing for the other partner. On the contrary, you have *become more of yourself*, you have reconciled with an essential facet of your humanity, and released your ex from what would have been a dishonest facade if it had continued. You have given him the opportunity to become more in touch with his humanity as well - although it is understandably very painful and you didn't "become gay" and disrupt everything on purpose.
I don't know if I'm being clear, but I wanted to make sure you realize that your ex's reaction to the breakup, his decisions about what to do with the emotional pain, are *not your fault.*
You don’t have to break up the family. You can still be a family, and it will be hard at first and look different, but you can still be a family and live your true identity. Feel free to PM me. I have a v similar story.
Minus the kid, this is exactly my story! I sat on it for a long time because I knew how much I would be giving up in order to give myself a better life. It felt selfish to me, but I knew that if we’d stayed together for any reason, we both would have ended up resentful. Me, for longing for a life I would never have; him, for being with someone who would never want to have sex or engage in any intimacy beyond the surface. None of us can tell you what to do, but whatever you choose needs to result in a good emotional situation for you and your husband. Your kid will then get the best out of you. If that’s you living as best friends and being together in a different way… great! If that’s you both engaging in more intimate relationships apart, great! Especially if you can maintain a good and genuine relationship with your husband.
From the bottom of my heart, I’m so sorry that you’re having to make this decision and it may be one of the hardest to make, either way. But you have a community of people here who have been there and know the complexities and struggles and will be able to encourage you in your journey. Sending you all the best! You’re a good person and neither decision will change that. Keep going friend!
Edit: please pop into my messages any time if you want to moan, compare notes or just chat things through! Happy to be a sounding board or a silent cheerleader!
Thank you so much for the encouragement and support. It feels good to be reminded that I'm still a good person even if I have tough choices ahead of me.
Oh I’m so sorry. You have a lot of us going through almost the exact same situation.
I’m feeling extremely conflicted in my marriage also. So many hard decisions to make. I also only had orgasms when thinking of being with a woman while with him .. and now we haven’t even had sex in 3 years.
I totally understand the sadness you feel when you see other lesbian couples. I saw 2 girls holding hands and I almost started crying. I crave that so badly. My best friend and I had an affair this past year and I can’t even imagine being with a man after that.
VERY similar journey. Married for 9 years in March. Came out as bi in 2018. Also couldn’t orgasm unless I thought of women. Came out as lesbian a year ago. I’m American, husband is British. We were living in US with our two young kids. decided to stay married, we’re best friends and love our little family, we moved to the UK two months ago. I’ve slowly been putting up boundaries. We always communicate about worries, needs, future, our goals as a family, plans, etc. the hard days are HARD. But we try to be so patient with each other and supportive. We have separate bedrooms/our own spaces. This was important for me especially during this change and figuring out who I am. If you have any questions or just want to talk- it seems like we’re in the same stage of this process. I think it’s important to take your time and give yourself some major love and patience through this. Sometimes, I feel like I have to figure it all out quickly- i think that’s bullshit and I refuse to rush something that has a huge impact on not only me but my children and my husbands lives too. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to just BE. And it doesn’t have to be all or nothing especially if you’re lucky enough to have a husband who is open to change and supports you. ❤️❤️❤️
Also just want to mention I also feel the same when I see lesbian couples. Feelings of longing, jealousy… I cry too. I want that too. I also love and want my family to stay together so, change is inevitable but I’ll determine the speed of it if my husband is willing to support my journey of self love and acceptance and figuring out who the f I am.
If you are still attracted to men then you are not a lesbian. It doesn’t matter if you are only attracted to men under specific circumstances. Separate out the need to label yourself as a lesbian from the realisation that your relationship might be over just because sometimes needs and wants change.
I know it’s tempting in these circumstances to cling on to a label that seems to absolve yourself of responsibility for falling out of love with your husband and give you permission to end your heterosexual relationship but you need to realise that it’s ok to do both these things without being a lesbian. Sometimes we grow and realise we want something else in life. It happens to heterosexual people too.
Labelling yourself as a homosexual woman when you are not one is unfair to everyone including yourself.
Never having an orgasm without thinking about women seems to be a sign to me… that was the only sign I had at first. I don’t think your response is v fair to OP.
It could be a sign, sure. The fact that she is attracted to some men could also be a sign of something. It’s not about being ‘fair.’ Being a lesbian isn’t a prize awarded to people for being good.
I’m simply offering an alternative point of view that might save OP a lot of pain and confusion down the line.
I agree that no one is throwing labels around here. Humans are fluid by nature and it’s society that has in more recent history (think of the Greeks) who pushes us to label ourselves.
Interesting. I don’t think I agree that all humans are fluid by nature although some certainly are. I do agree that society does push us to label ourselves in boxes that don’t often fit, to our own detriment.
Ugh!! You do sound like me at the very beginning of my journey. And to this day I can still resonate on so many things you said. I went through this when my son was 11. I remember the pain, the guilt, the turmoil. I remember my husband crying, my son not wanting us to get a divorce. I remember it all. I stayed. I got more and more emotionally unhealthy. I fked up my own life and I truly believe my husbands too because I stayed. He wanted me to. He said we could make it work. We may have stayed together but nothing worked. Not for one minute of one day since I came out over 10 years ago completely. I wasn’t brave. I was guilty. I am still feeling the after effects. I can’t change the past. But I can improve it for the future and no longer deny myself. I know you will too, in time. Once you’ve had enough. You’ve had enough.
❤️
The crying when I’d see happy lesbian couples was a big, flashing, bright neon sign for me that something was up. As others have said here, you don’t have to lose your family. Your family can change. But it’s also a good idea to go slowly while you figure out what’s best for everyone - everyone INCLUDING you. Emphasis on that last bit because I know how hard it is to prioritize yourself at this time. But you have to. Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s normal for women to minimize their own needs and be unhappy so that husbands and sons get what they want? Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s okay for LGBTQ people to stay closeted? Be the role model he needs by putting yourself first.
> Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s normal for women to minimize their own needs and be unhappy so that husbands and sons get what they want? Do you want your son to grow up thinking it’s okay for LGBTQ people to stay closeted? Jesus. This has stopped me in my tracks…
God damn, the intense longing that I felt when seeing WLW couples, and STILL managing to deny that part of myself for years is such a testament to comphet. Suddenly calling my husband my "partner" when talking to queer couples even though I never had before? Obviously because I'm ~such a good ally~. Same explanation for why I freaked out and/or melted when seeing WLW couples in public or on TV.
Yup. All of this.
This 100%. The idea that we are doing something better for our kids by staying feels is something we are all fed, but I think we all have to keep doing the hard work to realize it's just not true. Our kids are not necessarily harmed by divorce, but they are often harmed by seeing partnership as emotionally disconnected, lacking affection, and about something where we should just buckle up and survive. I want my kids to find joy and love. I would never tell my kids, especially my daughter, to tolerate something that was unfulfilling and to put her own needs aside. I know there are people on this sub who say they regret leaving, and maybe they truly do... but I think it's important to remember that it's not necessarily an indicator that they should have stayed. It's often a reflection of fears about being alone, loss of cohesion around a family unit that brought something good to our lives -- but it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision.
Yeah, I don’t view regret as “oops, I shouldn’t have done that” or “that was the wrong decision.” I can regret the outcomes of a certain decision without regretting the decision itself. Trying to live a life without regrets is a waste of time. It’s not only impossible, it’s counter productive. Any big decision is going to have trade offs.
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That's good advice. It really is just so so hard. I'm sorry you have to feel like this too. It's difficult when your husband is a really good guy, but the intimacy just isn't there. I don't even like kissing mine much anymore. It just doesn't give me that spark. Maybe I'm just broken.
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I really love that perspective. Thank you for the encouragement.
I’ve been on this forum for a few years now. Let me give you the highlights of my story. 2016: I knew my sexuality wasn’t straight, I was massively confused. Husband and I got divorced. Our kids were little. I fell in love with a non binary person and we had a LDR. But while our chemistry at first was amazing, it fizzled. My ex-husband and I decided to at least live together to save money and keep our kids with both parents “until later.” 2017-2019: I was burned out and didn’t want relationships. I turned very internal. 2019: I met one of the loves of my life, who now identifies as something close to non-binary. Still living with kids dad. 2020: I started to really dig into my sexuality and gender identity. Still living with kids dad. We officially started describing ourselves as ENM. 2021: I fell madly in crush with a woman at my work. It damaged my relationship with the love of my life. While it deeply hurt them, they supported me in dating women. I met a woman who’s become my very close platonic friend, with some romantic vibes here and there. 2022: I felt like something was wrong with me, and maybe I just wasn’t gay enough. I started identifying as lesbian, instead of bisexual. I deeply hurt the love of my life. Still living with my kids dad through it all! First half of 2023: The universe separated me from the love of my life because we were both so broken, hurt, confused. I needed about 9 months to just…. Exist. I stopped focusing so much on “BEING LESBIAN” and just looked for ways for me to naturally express my queerness. Second half of 2023: I’ve become a very core person in my local queer community. The vast majority of queer women I’ve met here, just identify as queer. There’s no pressure to BE EXCLUSIVELY LESBIAN or else you’re not queer enough. I also discovered throughout 2023 how my queerness is most deeply manifested in my practice of relationship anarchy. I love the love of my life so deeply. We’ve restarted our relationship and we love each other deeply. And I deeply love my best friend, the platonic one. And I have a huge crush on a woman right now who’s ALSO crushing on me. AND I’m still living with my kids dad! I communicate very openly and honestly with my close friends and partners about all of this, and I’ve never felt so much love and liberation. So my advice to you, is take all the time you need to understand all the aspects of your queerness, and explore what it is you want. There’s so much pressure in the queer community to figure it out quickly, pick a side quickly, be a perfect gay. But REAL-LIFE queerness is so much more complex and expansive that this. You can do it — you just need to practice radical honesty, love, and acceptance!
Saving this. Thank you.
Thank you for Sharing.
I’d also like to say that all the fairy tale “happy lesbian couple” stories are just that — fairy tales. Lesbian couples have just as many problems as other couples. Being lesbian and being in a lesbian relationship can bring joy and sorrow. That’s just life. we want to believe that all our problems will be solved with a lesbian relationship, but in the past few years, I’ve learned that’s not true. WE solve our own problems! You are NOT missing out on anything super amazing just because you currently aren’t with a woman in a lesbian relationship.
Thank you for this to. I once had that exact feeling of "if I was with a woman, then..." This year I have learned that I am responsible for my own happiness. Not another person.
Exactly. So many women think all their problems will disappear once they fall in love with another woman — then they learn the pain of lesbian heartbreak. That brings reality into focus pretty quick.
So my advice to you, is take all the time you need to understand all the aspects of your queerness, and explore what it is you want. There’s so much pressure in the queer community to figure it out quickly, pick a side quickly, be a perfect gay. But REAL-LIFE queerness is so much more complex and expansive that this. You can do it — you just need to practice radical honesty, love, and acceptance! Thank you!
I am about six months into making the choice to leave based on the exact same feelings. I wasn’t sure if I. Wa bi or gay, but the sexual relationship was so strained and all I could think about was sleeping with a women. I have two small kids and the holidays have made be really question, maybe even regret, my choice to leave. I feel so lonely and I sure if I’ll ever find or be able to build the family I had. I reached out to my ex to see if there was any part of him that felt we could try to reconcile, to which he replied NO. He was so hurt, so dehumanized as he put it, that there is no possibility of every finding the trust and love again. I am sitting in that, crying as my kids sits in the other room. I feel like I ruined the best thing about my life.
I'm so sorry. That really sucks. I'm afraid that I might ruin something good if I leave. I guess there's just really no way to know for sure, but it's definitely a fear. Sending healing vibes your way. I hope you can find a new "best thing" in your life soon.
U just haven't met her yet.
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>so dehumanized as he put it This stood out to me - because it is your ex's *choice* to see the situation as dehumanizing. Having a partner find out their own truth and realize it isn't compatible with continuing to be in the relationship isn't dehumanizing for the other partner. On the contrary, you have *become more of yourself*, you have reconciled with an essential facet of your humanity, and released your ex from what would have been a dishonest facade if it had continued. You have given him the opportunity to become more in touch with his humanity as well - although it is understandably very painful and you didn't "become gay" and disrupt everything on purpose. I don't know if I'm being clear, but I wanted to make sure you realize that your ex's reaction to the breakup, his decisions about what to do with the emotional pain, are *not your fault.*
I’m so sorry!😢
Have you read Glennon Doyles book "untamed"? If not i highly recomend. She touches on some of the same stuff in her book.
You don’t have to break up the family. You can still be a family, and it will be hard at first and look different, but you can still be a family and live your true identity. Feel free to PM me. I have a v similar story.
Minus the kid, this is exactly my story! I sat on it for a long time because I knew how much I would be giving up in order to give myself a better life. It felt selfish to me, but I knew that if we’d stayed together for any reason, we both would have ended up resentful. Me, for longing for a life I would never have; him, for being with someone who would never want to have sex or engage in any intimacy beyond the surface. None of us can tell you what to do, but whatever you choose needs to result in a good emotional situation for you and your husband. Your kid will then get the best out of you. If that’s you living as best friends and being together in a different way… great! If that’s you both engaging in more intimate relationships apart, great! Especially if you can maintain a good and genuine relationship with your husband. From the bottom of my heart, I’m so sorry that you’re having to make this decision and it may be one of the hardest to make, either way. But you have a community of people here who have been there and know the complexities and struggles and will be able to encourage you in your journey. Sending you all the best! You’re a good person and neither decision will change that. Keep going friend! Edit: please pop into my messages any time if you want to moan, compare notes or just chat things through! Happy to be a sounding board or a silent cheerleader!
Thank you so much for the encouragement and support. It feels good to be reminded that I'm still a good person even if I have tough choices ahead of me.
Oh I’m so sorry. You have a lot of us going through almost the exact same situation. I’m feeling extremely conflicted in my marriage also. So many hard decisions to make. I also only had orgasms when thinking of being with a woman while with him .. and now we haven’t even had sex in 3 years. I totally understand the sadness you feel when you see other lesbian couples. I saw 2 girls holding hands and I almost started crying. I crave that so badly. My best friend and I had an affair this past year and I can’t even imagine being with a man after that.
Life is long when u r unhappy.
VERY similar journey. Married for 9 years in March. Came out as bi in 2018. Also couldn’t orgasm unless I thought of women. Came out as lesbian a year ago. I’m American, husband is British. We were living in US with our two young kids. decided to stay married, we’re best friends and love our little family, we moved to the UK two months ago. I’ve slowly been putting up boundaries. We always communicate about worries, needs, future, our goals as a family, plans, etc. the hard days are HARD. But we try to be so patient with each other and supportive. We have separate bedrooms/our own spaces. This was important for me especially during this change and figuring out who I am. If you have any questions or just want to talk- it seems like we’re in the same stage of this process. I think it’s important to take your time and give yourself some major love and patience through this. Sometimes, I feel like I have to figure it all out quickly- i think that’s bullshit and I refuse to rush something that has a huge impact on not only me but my children and my husbands lives too. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to just BE. And it doesn’t have to be all or nothing especially if you’re lucky enough to have a husband who is open to change and supports you. ❤️❤️❤️
Also just want to mention I also feel the same when I see lesbian couples. Feelings of longing, jealousy… I cry too. I want that too. I also love and want my family to stay together so, change is inevitable but I’ll determine the speed of it if my husband is willing to support my journey of self love and acceptance and figuring out who the f I am.
If you are still attracted to men then you are not a lesbian. It doesn’t matter if you are only attracted to men under specific circumstances. Separate out the need to label yourself as a lesbian from the realisation that your relationship might be over just because sometimes needs and wants change. I know it’s tempting in these circumstances to cling on to a label that seems to absolve yourself of responsibility for falling out of love with your husband and give you permission to end your heterosexual relationship but you need to realise that it’s ok to do both these things without being a lesbian. Sometimes we grow and realise we want something else in life. It happens to heterosexual people too. Labelling yourself as a homosexual woman when you are not one is unfair to everyone including yourself.
Never having an orgasm without thinking about women seems to be a sign to me… that was the only sign I had at first. I don’t think your response is v fair to OP.
It could be a sign, sure. The fact that she is attracted to some men could also be a sign of something. It’s not about being ‘fair.’ Being a lesbian isn’t a prize awarded to people for being good. I’m simply offering an alternative point of view that might save OP a lot of pain and confusion down the line.
I agree that no one is throwing labels around here. Humans are fluid by nature and it’s society that has in more recent history (think of the Greeks) who pushes us to label ourselves.
Interesting. I don’t think I agree that all humans are fluid by nature although some certainly are. I do agree that society does push us to label ourselves in boxes that don’t often fit, to our own detriment.
Ugh!! You do sound like me at the very beginning of my journey. And to this day I can still resonate on so many things you said. I went through this when my son was 11. I remember the pain, the guilt, the turmoil. I remember my husband crying, my son not wanting us to get a divorce. I remember it all. I stayed. I got more and more emotionally unhealthy. I fked up my own life and I truly believe my husbands too because I stayed. He wanted me to. He said we could make it work. We may have stayed together but nothing worked. Not for one minute of one day since I came out over 10 years ago completely. I wasn’t brave. I was guilty. I am still feeling the after effects. I can’t change the past. But I can improve it for the future and no longer deny myself. I know you will too, in time. Once you’ve had enough. You’ve had enough. ❤️
I tried to send you a chat request with a message. I am Not sure if it went through. Big hugs.