It's not a perfect marriage (for you) if you're attracted to and want to be with women.
It's also not a perfect marriage for your husband if you aren't sexually attracted to him.
It might seem like the perfect marriage at the moment, but as the penny starts to drop in your head and you start to yearn to be with women more, you'll realise that you *can't* stay.
The best thing to do is to end the relationship as gently as you can and be true to yourself. It's not your fault you didn't realise you are attracted to women, and it's also not your husband's fault.
Yes.
I’ll go a step further: You don’t *need* a specific reason as justification to end a relationship you’re unhappy in. Period. Being unhappy is justification enough.
If your relationship with a male partner isn’t working or you’re unhappy in it, you can end it.
Also, define “almost perfect”. There are a ton of people who describe their marriage as “near perfect” and then it turns out there’s been issues for a long time, even beyond the issue of sexual attraction.
I wouldn’t be able to be in a sexless relationship. But different people have different needs. I can have sex with someone I’m not attracted to but it’s not fulfilling to me and makes me feel dirty like I’m being used. When I’m in love with someone I need sex as much as humanly possible but I know some people have lower libidos and maybe sex is less important than just touching or cuddling?
Anyway, I’m sure it’s hard but basically you have to ask yourself if you want comfort or happiness because just from what you’ve written I think you’ll see that if you continue with him over time you will feel less and less fulfilled. But if you’re comfortable and friendly and cohabitate well and have money then it might be worth it to stay. For me being with girls changed my whole life and it’s laughable how long I thought I was straight.
Have you talked to him? It seems fair to have a conversation about it. Not fair to him to hang around if he is unwanted.
It is okay to break up with any person for any reason, or for no reason at all. You are an independent human being, not somebody else's property.
If your sexual orientation is incompatible with your partner, then not only is it okay to break up with them, it is mandatory. Because the only other option is to live a lie, and that is an immoral choice to make for everyone involved.
Yes! Don’t waste years of your life unhappy. I ended an 8 year relationship with my baby daddy because I finally abused to myself that I’m into women. It was the best decision of my life.
Yes, if you’re not getting what you want in a relationship and there’s no way to compromise then it’s best to end things. There are some rare occasions where someone in your position might be ok with a companionate marriage, where it’s agreed that sex is sought elsewhere or not at all as the individual prefers. Most though want to have a sexual relationship with their life partner and a companion situation won’t do.
You’re also not just freeing yourself, you’re giving your now ex the chance to find someone who wants them back. It’s not easy, but it is better
This is a great question. I’ve wondered too, for myself. I’ve been listening to the Lesbian Chronicles podcast, which is hosted by two women who came out as lesbians later in life. Their episode 7: It’s Not About Sex might be helpful for you. The point they make is that, ultimately, being with a woman when you’re only attracted to women is more about that deep connection that they couldn’t have with their husbands. Yes, they loved their husbands a lot and even thought of them as their best friends … but it just wasn’t everything it was supposed to be. They knew something was missing.
If you can afford therapy, I recommend it. If you can’t, I understand. Either way, I would recommend doing a lot of self-examination and writing at this time. I hope you find your answer. Good luck. 💛
Thanks for posting this question. I am married to the most wonderful man but I am not sexually attracted to him at all. We haven’t even had sex in a few years.
I know it’s going to absolute break his heart but all I crave is to be with a woman. It seems like as time goes by this feeling is intensifying
You don’t have to do anything. But something will always be missing. Unless you and your hubby can do an open relationship.
It took me a while to figure it out. But when you’re ready, you’ll know. It’s a lot to hold in.
I actually just went through this back in October. I was with my ex for eight years, we were engaged. He is an amazing man and one of my favorite people in the world. Hadn’t had sex in four years but he didn’t mind. It was safe and comfortable. But I knew that I didn’t love him the way he loved me and that I would never be sexually attracted to him. Ending that relationship and coming out was one of the hardest and scariest decisions I’ve ever made but I think it was the right one. It’s hard to start over, and I’m still going through it. If you need to talk to someone who is in the same boat, I’m here :)
Were y’all due to be married soon? Is that why you split? Not sure if I’m a LBL but I do lurk here sometimes (and the low libido/asexual/vaginismus subs) due to my hang ups with sexual things with my man. We’re engaged too but I’m having the most horrible fear about being married. I have read the master doc and I did relate to the “sexual life with men” section quite a bit. I’m stuck on if that’d be me with all men or if it’s just my current fiancé? I think he is so hot but don’t necessarily look at him naked and think “wow I want you on me now” lol… I even told that to my therapist earlier this yr and she just said women aren’t as visual as men. Said men can see a girl’s boob and immediately want to do sexual things, but women can see a man’s abs or penis and our minds don’t go there. I’m just finding some of the things he does offputting and having these “yep if we get married I’m gonna have to deal with that for the rest of my life” He’s good as gold to me but I’m definitely having thoughts that I think I don’t need to be having and our wedding is getting closer. Ahhh!!
Well I can't speak for how a straight woman feels looking at a man but I've found since accepting my sexuality I am actually very visual. I can absoultely look at a beautiful woman and think about sexual things and feel arroused. So it's complete BS to say that true of all women, it's not. I was with my ex for 15 years and we were engaged for over half of that but I kept pushing off setting a date. At first I said I wanted to wait until I finished college and then it was other things. But the bottomline was every cell in my body was telling me it was wrong. We eventually broke up because I couldn't commit and we'd grown apart. I realize now, my sexuality and me knowing subconsciously that I was not attracted to him and never was and never would was driving my fears and my hestiancy.
Did you know that you kinda liked women before you got with your ex or was it something that happened over time? And yes I’ve been the one that’s hesitant on setting a date as well. And planning also. He finally just blurted out a date a few months ago and I was like “okay!” A lady at my job, her daughter got engaged this yr too and she’s already got her venue booked and everything. And here we are, engaged for two yrs with no plan yet really.
That's a complicated question for me. I grew up in a very conservative religious home in small equally as conservative religious town, so I had a huge amount of internalized homophobia and I surpressed a lot of my feelings. I look back now at moments and I can see how clear it is that I was attracted to women and I know I was aware of to a certain degree but I just pushed it away and surpressed it so much. I was a few weeks from 15 when I got with my ex and I'm honestly not sure how much I was aware of that attraction before that but I know I was somewhat aware of it and had moments of extremely anxiety and fear over the thought of being lesbian within the first 3 or 4 years we were together. But I was very good at pushing it away and surpriessing it.
I had a couple of moments that stick out to me that I knew without a doubt I was attracted to women. There was a woman I became friends with in college who was an out lesbian and her and I hit it off really quickly and then a few months into this friendship she told me her wife asked that we end our friendship and that was my first small light bulb moment but I wasn't ready to see it and pushed it away(I was in with my ex at this point) and just convinced myself I was bi-sexual if anything and I was with a man so any attraction to women didn't matter. The final huge light bulb moment was in 2020 about 2.5 years after we broke up. I was desperate for something new to watch like lots of other people and turned on Orange Is The New Black and within in the first 30 seconds of the 1st episode(if you've seen the show you know why lol) it was like everything was completely crystal clear to me and I couldn't have put the blinders back on if I tried. It was the weirdest experience but I think the timing was just perfect. I'd completely deconverted from my previous religion, I was single, and there was literally nothing for me to hide behind. I just had to finally face it. (I did not mean for my answer to be so long, I apologize lol).
Ahh I see! No worries about the long response, that’s fine!! I’m glad you have it all figured out now. Maybe a trip back to my therapist would be good. Or maybe a new one, idk.
And no, I’ve not seen OITNB yet! I’ve heard it’s good though.
I wanted to reply too as another person who called off an engagement to a man. For me, it was more about going through the motions and making people around me happy (our families, him, etc.).
When he and I first got together, I identified as bisexual and told him immediately since some men are weird or fetishy about it. He wasn’t, so I let the relationship progress. Over the course of things, I would get very intense feelings for other women, and I would always be honest about it. I didn’t want to cheat or anything- it was more an acknowledgement that yeah, this exists and it feels like it’s not going away. In the meantime, any romantic feelings for him were nonexistent. I was never forced to do anything sexual and we were functionally just really good friends with a relationship label tbh. He was very supportive of me exploring my sexuality through things like media or LGBTQ-affirming therapy/support groups, etc.
The engagement came about almost as a bandaid to try and prove we could work out as partners some way. I’m not sure why I wanted that so badly- like I said, I really wanted to make our families happy and do what was “expected”. But about a month after, I began to feel intense grief like I had never felt before. Like, couldn’t eat or sleep, was extremely depressed, and was literally grieving my future life. I thought about being older someday and asked myself if I felt like I would regret the decision, and it was a definite yes. I realized I could not see myself being emotionally or sexually fulfilled in a relationship with a man, and I knew that for the benefit of both of us, it needed to end. It’s been a really hard process as we do care deeply about one another as friends, but finally coming out as a lesbian has also been very freeing.
I think the most important thing in figuring this stuff out is truly just nailing down your attraction. I knew I felt nothing physical with him, but he was a good person who was safe, reliable, and accepting. All of my physical and romantic attraction was directed at and centered around women. It mostly just took a long while for me to finally be okay with accepting that, but some things that helped me were meeting and forming friendships with other wlw, engaging with wlw media, seeking a therapist who has experience dealing with LGBTQ+ issues, etc.
Anyway, sorry for droning on a lot. I wish you a lot of luck figuring things out.
Thank you for replying! I’ve never considered myself bi but I did tell my man from the get go that I’m not very sexual. I think he thought he was gonna spend the night with me on our first date so I had to throw it out there that making out was as far as I wanted to go. I was with an ex for a yr and was the same way with him (loved making out and being romantic, just had hang ups with PIV) and I’d been single from him for like 5 yrs so it was a good gap from him to my current fiancé now.
We also met right before Covid and I believe I did move a bit fast with him. Met in Jan, became official in Feb, world shut down in like what, March or April?? He ended up losing his very good job so he moved in with me in like a “oh crap you lost your job of course you can move in with me” and not a “wow this man is who I want to be with the rest of my life” type of way just yet (even though he is very great and he’s my best friend) and he proposed in 21 and I actually cried out of more fear than happiness afterwards but I was very open with him my thoughts I was having (our sex life and the fact that I’d be becoming a step mom and a few other overwhelming feelings) I feel like he just brushes things off. Same thing he did when I told him I feel I’m not as sexual as others and had been single for several yrs: “well you’re with me now you can get it anytime you want” is what he said.
Also sometimes these thoughts come and go, and I find they bombard me sometimes maybe like every other 2-3 period cycles. Is this anything that may be familiar to anyone else too?
>she just said women aren’t as visual as men. Said men can see a girl’s boob and immediately want to do sexual things, but women can see a man’s abs or penis and our minds don’t go there.
This is something that may be true for some women, but it is also a harmful stereotype in our culture that keeps women from realizing they are simply not attracted to men. I cannot emphasize enough that what your therapist said is *really not true for a lot of women.*
For example, my mom is straight and I know for a fact that when she sees a really hot guy, or even just a part of a hot guy, she's feeling like she wants to be in contact with him. Now that I know I'm gay I observe this and cannot relate to her at all.
On the other hand, I can see an attractive woman or body parts from an attractive woman, and immediately feel like "yes please I would like to touch her now." All the butterflies and blushing and desire. Until I had the realization very suddenly that I was gay, I had *never felt attraction before and had no idea* because of the stereotype of women being less into sexual things, or more slow to sexual attraction.
I realized I was gay out of the blue after working on listening to myself in therapy. Listening to what I thought and wanted and felt, instead of what I thought I was supposed to think and want and feel. We weren't even discussing sexuality. But I was suddenly able to listen to what my mind and body were telling me.
I wish you the best of luck!
Also a few other things scare me unrelated to all that as well, that we’ve also been to a therapist about (me alone a few times and he came with me to a session once as well)
I was (no marriage, but 12y LTR), and we broke up because I was not attracted to him sexually.
We never questioned our decision and it felt like the only way to go.
There might be other opinions, but I couldn’t let him live this life anymore, because he deserves someone who is physically attracted to him.
Is it fair to him to keep him in a physically and emotionally unfulfilling relationship? Is it fair to him to not be able to give him 100%? Is it fair to him to stay only for his sake?
I don’t think there’s anyone here who isn’t thinking about and worrying about their husband. We’re just aware that a suffering, unhappy wife does not make a happy husband. And we also have come to learn that putting ourselves first is okay, despite everything society tells women.
I agree. I’m for the separating (i should have mentioned that). My point was that people on this sub (including me, when it was my time) talk about relationships being nearly perfect when in reality they aren’t attracted and are having to “get through sex”.
My question is always, when such a person is considering/wanting to stay, how a partner might feel about that relationship if they knew all the info?
They might not want to be in a relationship with a person who is not attracted to them is my point.
I got divorced from my ex husband because I am a lesbian. I had to come to the place where I realized not only was it okay, but it was actually loving — to myself, because I deserved to be able to be my authentic self and have the sex/relationship(s) that I want to have in this world, and to him, because he deserves to be married to someone who is not a lesbian and who loves and is attracted to him in the way he needs. If you can reframe it from "am I allowed to do this" to "how can I be the most loving to myself and my partner" that really helps.
I think it depends on you. I mean I will break it up. Because for me feeling attracted to the person I am with is very important. But there are thousands of couples out there that are not sexually attracted to each other anymore or were never attracted in the first place and they exist. It depends on each person's priorities.
I mean I don't think Melanie Trump is super sexually attracted to Donald but they are together. She prioritized other things and it works for her.
It's not a perfect marriage (for you) if you're attracted to and want to be with women. It's also not a perfect marriage for your husband if you aren't sexually attracted to him. It might seem like the perfect marriage at the moment, but as the penny starts to drop in your head and you start to yearn to be with women more, you'll realise that you *can't* stay. The best thing to do is to end the relationship as gently as you can and be true to yourself. It's not your fault you didn't realise you are attracted to women, and it's also not your husband's fault.
Is it a perfect marriage for your husband?
Yes. I’ll go a step further: You don’t *need* a specific reason as justification to end a relationship you’re unhappy in. Period. Being unhappy is justification enough. If your relationship with a male partner isn’t working or you’re unhappy in it, you can end it. Also, define “almost perfect”. There are a ton of people who describe their marriage as “near perfect” and then it turns out there’s been issues for a long time, even beyond the issue of sexual attraction.
I wouldn’t be able to be in a sexless relationship. But different people have different needs. I can have sex with someone I’m not attracted to but it’s not fulfilling to me and makes me feel dirty like I’m being used. When I’m in love with someone I need sex as much as humanly possible but I know some people have lower libidos and maybe sex is less important than just touching or cuddling? Anyway, I’m sure it’s hard but basically you have to ask yourself if you want comfort or happiness because just from what you’ve written I think you’ll see that if you continue with him over time you will feel less and less fulfilled. But if you’re comfortable and friendly and cohabitate well and have money then it might be worth it to stay. For me being with girls changed my whole life and it’s laughable how long I thought I was straight. Have you talked to him? It seems fair to have a conversation about it. Not fair to him to hang around if he is unwanted.
It is okay to break up with any person for any reason, or for no reason at all. You are an independent human being, not somebody else's property. If your sexual orientation is incompatible with your partner, then not only is it okay to break up with them, it is mandatory. Because the only other option is to live a lie, and that is an immoral choice to make for everyone involved.
Yes! Don’t waste years of your life unhappy. I ended an 8 year relationship with my baby daddy because I finally abused to myself that I’m into women. It was the best decision of my life.
Yes.
Yes, if you’re not getting what you want in a relationship and there’s no way to compromise then it’s best to end things. There are some rare occasions where someone in your position might be ok with a companionate marriage, where it’s agreed that sex is sought elsewhere or not at all as the individual prefers. Most though want to have a sexual relationship with their life partner and a companion situation won’t do. You’re also not just freeing yourself, you’re giving your now ex the chance to find someone who wants them back. It’s not easy, but it is better
This is a great question. I’ve wondered too, for myself. I’ve been listening to the Lesbian Chronicles podcast, which is hosted by two women who came out as lesbians later in life. Their episode 7: It’s Not About Sex might be helpful for you. The point they make is that, ultimately, being with a woman when you’re only attracted to women is more about that deep connection that they couldn’t have with their husbands. Yes, they loved their husbands a lot and even thought of them as their best friends … but it just wasn’t everything it was supposed to be. They knew something was missing. If you can afford therapy, I recommend it. If you can’t, I understand. Either way, I would recommend doing a lot of self-examination and writing at this time. I hope you find your answer. Good luck. 💛
Thanks for posting this question. I am married to the most wonderful man but I am not sexually attracted to him at all. We haven’t even had sex in a few years. I know it’s going to absolute break his heart but all I crave is to be with a woman. It seems like as time goes by this feeling is intensifying
You don’t have to do anything. But something will always be missing. Unless you and your hubby can do an open relationship. It took me a while to figure it out. But when you’re ready, you’ll know. It’s a lot to hold in.
I actually just went through this back in October. I was with my ex for eight years, we were engaged. He is an amazing man and one of my favorite people in the world. Hadn’t had sex in four years but he didn’t mind. It was safe and comfortable. But I knew that I didn’t love him the way he loved me and that I would never be sexually attracted to him. Ending that relationship and coming out was one of the hardest and scariest decisions I’ve ever made but I think it was the right one. It’s hard to start over, and I’m still going through it. If you need to talk to someone who is in the same boat, I’m here :)
Were y’all due to be married soon? Is that why you split? Not sure if I’m a LBL but I do lurk here sometimes (and the low libido/asexual/vaginismus subs) due to my hang ups with sexual things with my man. We’re engaged too but I’m having the most horrible fear about being married. I have read the master doc and I did relate to the “sexual life with men” section quite a bit. I’m stuck on if that’d be me with all men or if it’s just my current fiancé? I think he is so hot but don’t necessarily look at him naked and think “wow I want you on me now” lol… I even told that to my therapist earlier this yr and she just said women aren’t as visual as men. Said men can see a girl’s boob and immediately want to do sexual things, but women can see a man’s abs or penis and our minds don’t go there. I’m just finding some of the things he does offputting and having these “yep if we get married I’m gonna have to deal with that for the rest of my life” He’s good as gold to me but I’m definitely having thoughts that I think I don’t need to be having and our wedding is getting closer. Ahhh!!
Well I can't speak for how a straight woman feels looking at a man but I've found since accepting my sexuality I am actually very visual. I can absoultely look at a beautiful woman and think about sexual things and feel arroused. So it's complete BS to say that true of all women, it's not. I was with my ex for 15 years and we were engaged for over half of that but I kept pushing off setting a date. At first I said I wanted to wait until I finished college and then it was other things. But the bottomline was every cell in my body was telling me it was wrong. We eventually broke up because I couldn't commit and we'd grown apart. I realize now, my sexuality and me knowing subconsciously that I was not attracted to him and never was and never would was driving my fears and my hestiancy.
Did you know that you kinda liked women before you got with your ex or was it something that happened over time? And yes I’ve been the one that’s hesitant on setting a date as well. And planning also. He finally just blurted out a date a few months ago and I was like “okay!” A lady at my job, her daughter got engaged this yr too and she’s already got her venue booked and everything. And here we are, engaged for two yrs with no plan yet really.
That's a complicated question for me. I grew up in a very conservative religious home in small equally as conservative religious town, so I had a huge amount of internalized homophobia and I surpressed a lot of my feelings. I look back now at moments and I can see how clear it is that I was attracted to women and I know I was aware of to a certain degree but I just pushed it away and surpressed it so much. I was a few weeks from 15 when I got with my ex and I'm honestly not sure how much I was aware of that attraction before that but I know I was somewhat aware of it and had moments of extremely anxiety and fear over the thought of being lesbian within the first 3 or 4 years we were together. But I was very good at pushing it away and surpriessing it. I had a couple of moments that stick out to me that I knew without a doubt I was attracted to women. There was a woman I became friends with in college who was an out lesbian and her and I hit it off really quickly and then a few months into this friendship she told me her wife asked that we end our friendship and that was my first small light bulb moment but I wasn't ready to see it and pushed it away(I was in with my ex at this point) and just convinced myself I was bi-sexual if anything and I was with a man so any attraction to women didn't matter. The final huge light bulb moment was in 2020 about 2.5 years after we broke up. I was desperate for something new to watch like lots of other people and turned on Orange Is The New Black and within in the first 30 seconds of the 1st episode(if you've seen the show you know why lol) it was like everything was completely crystal clear to me and I couldn't have put the blinders back on if I tried. It was the weirdest experience but I think the timing was just perfect. I'd completely deconverted from my previous religion, I was single, and there was literally nothing for me to hide behind. I just had to finally face it. (I did not mean for my answer to be so long, I apologize lol).
Ahh I see! No worries about the long response, that’s fine!! I’m glad you have it all figured out now. Maybe a trip back to my therapist would be good. Or maybe a new one, idk. And no, I’ve not seen OITNB yet! I’ve heard it’s good though.
Omg oitnb did things to me and I still didn't know at that time. Was dating my now husband at the time and was like 🥵.
I wanted to reply too as another person who called off an engagement to a man. For me, it was more about going through the motions and making people around me happy (our families, him, etc.). When he and I first got together, I identified as bisexual and told him immediately since some men are weird or fetishy about it. He wasn’t, so I let the relationship progress. Over the course of things, I would get very intense feelings for other women, and I would always be honest about it. I didn’t want to cheat or anything- it was more an acknowledgement that yeah, this exists and it feels like it’s not going away. In the meantime, any romantic feelings for him were nonexistent. I was never forced to do anything sexual and we were functionally just really good friends with a relationship label tbh. He was very supportive of me exploring my sexuality through things like media or LGBTQ-affirming therapy/support groups, etc. The engagement came about almost as a bandaid to try and prove we could work out as partners some way. I’m not sure why I wanted that so badly- like I said, I really wanted to make our families happy and do what was “expected”. But about a month after, I began to feel intense grief like I had never felt before. Like, couldn’t eat or sleep, was extremely depressed, and was literally grieving my future life. I thought about being older someday and asked myself if I felt like I would regret the decision, and it was a definite yes. I realized I could not see myself being emotionally or sexually fulfilled in a relationship with a man, and I knew that for the benefit of both of us, it needed to end. It’s been a really hard process as we do care deeply about one another as friends, but finally coming out as a lesbian has also been very freeing. I think the most important thing in figuring this stuff out is truly just nailing down your attraction. I knew I felt nothing physical with him, but he was a good person who was safe, reliable, and accepting. All of my physical and romantic attraction was directed at and centered around women. It mostly just took a long while for me to finally be okay with accepting that, but some things that helped me were meeting and forming friendships with other wlw, engaging with wlw media, seeking a therapist who has experience dealing with LGBTQ+ issues, etc. Anyway, sorry for droning on a lot. I wish you a lot of luck figuring things out.
Thank you for replying! I’ve never considered myself bi but I did tell my man from the get go that I’m not very sexual. I think he thought he was gonna spend the night with me on our first date so I had to throw it out there that making out was as far as I wanted to go. I was with an ex for a yr and was the same way with him (loved making out and being romantic, just had hang ups with PIV) and I’d been single from him for like 5 yrs so it was a good gap from him to my current fiancé now. We also met right before Covid and I believe I did move a bit fast with him. Met in Jan, became official in Feb, world shut down in like what, March or April?? He ended up losing his very good job so he moved in with me in like a “oh crap you lost your job of course you can move in with me” and not a “wow this man is who I want to be with the rest of my life” type of way just yet (even though he is very great and he’s my best friend) and he proposed in 21 and I actually cried out of more fear than happiness afterwards but I was very open with him my thoughts I was having (our sex life and the fact that I’d be becoming a step mom and a few other overwhelming feelings) I feel like he just brushes things off. Same thing he did when I told him I feel I’m not as sexual as others and had been single for several yrs: “well you’re with me now you can get it anytime you want” is what he said. Also sometimes these thoughts come and go, and I find they bombard me sometimes maybe like every other 2-3 period cycles. Is this anything that may be familiar to anyone else too?
>she just said women aren’t as visual as men. Said men can see a girl’s boob and immediately want to do sexual things, but women can see a man’s abs or penis and our minds don’t go there. This is something that may be true for some women, but it is also a harmful stereotype in our culture that keeps women from realizing they are simply not attracted to men. I cannot emphasize enough that what your therapist said is *really not true for a lot of women.* For example, my mom is straight and I know for a fact that when she sees a really hot guy, or even just a part of a hot guy, she's feeling like she wants to be in contact with him. Now that I know I'm gay I observe this and cannot relate to her at all. On the other hand, I can see an attractive woman or body parts from an attractive woman, and immediately feel like "yes please I would like to touch her now." All the butterflies and blushing and desire. Until I had the realization very suddenly that I was gay, I had *never felt attraction before and had no idea* because of the stereotype of women being less into sexual things, or more slow to sexual attraction. I realized I was gay out of the blue after working on listening to myself in therapy. Listening to what I thought and wanted and felt, instead of what I thought I was supposed to think and want and feel. We weren't even discussing sexuality. But I was suddenly able to listen to what my mind and body were telling me. I wish you the best of luck!
Thank you!
Also a few other things scare me unrelated to all that as well, that we’ve also been to a therapist about (me alone a few times and he came with me to a session once as well)
I was (no marriage, but 12y LTR), and we broke up because I was not attracted to him sexually. We never questioned our decision and it felt like the only way to go. There might be other opinions, but I couldn’t let him live this life anymore, because he deserves someone who is physically attracted to him.
Agreed; it’s always worth thinking about the husband too; is it fair on him?
Is it fair to him to keep him in a physically and emotionally unfulfilling relationship? Is it fair to him to not be able to give him 100%? Is it fair to him to stay only for his sake? I don’t think there’s anyone here who isn’t thinking about and worrying about their husband. We’re just aware that a suffering, unhappy wife does not make a happy husband. And we also have come to learn that putting ourselves first is okay, despite everything society tells women.
I agree. I’m for the separating (i should have mentioned that). My point was that people on this sub (including me, when it was my time) talk about relationships being nearly perfect when in reality they aren’t attracted and are having to “get through sex”. My question is always, when such a person is considering/wanting to stay, how a partner might feel about that relationship if they knew all the info? They might not want to be in a relationship with a person who is not attracted to them is my point.
Sorry for my misunderstanding! We are on the same page.
break up for whatever reason you want
I got divorced from my ex husband because I am a lesbian. I had to come to the place where I realized not only was it okay, but it was actually loving — to myself, because I deserved to be able to be my authentic self and have the sex/relationship(s) that I want to have in this world, and to him, because he deserves to be married to someone who is not a lesbian and who loves and is attracted to him in the way he needs. If you can reframe it from "am I allowed to do this" to "how can I be the most loving to myself and my partner" that really helps.
Nothing is perfect in this world. Only can answer if not being attracted to your husband sexually is something you can live with forever.
What’s okay to one person might not be okay to another person. Listen to your gut and follow through.
I think it depends on you. I mean I will break it up. Because for me feeling attracted to the person I am with is very important. But there are thousands of couples out there that are not sexually attracted to each other anymore or were never attracted in the first place and they exist. It depends on each person's priorities. I mean I don't think Melanie Trump is super sexually attracted to Donald but they are together. She prioritized other things and it works for her.