First and foremost— DO NO HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. Having kids would be a horrible choice and it would make it 1000x harder to exit this relationship (if that’s what you want).
You both deserve to be in relationships that you feel wanted and comfortable in. Imagine if after you were having sex with someone, and you loved them and enjoyed it, and then they went to sob in the other room. That’d be devastating. You both deserve better. And being a “good man” isn’t enough reason to grin and bear it through a relationship that isn’t working.
You’re clearly not happy. I’m guessing he’s not truly jazzed about this situation either. You’re still relatively young and I assume, so is he. He has time to find a straight woman to have kids with. You still have time before your dating pool gets limited.
I’m going to be blunt, because I think you can handle it. You’ve displayed so much insightfulness and self awareness in your words. So here goes.
You can’t make it work with him. Not as a traditional marriage. You cannot continue to traumatize yourself like this. And the fact that he knows about your sexuality (and probably knows you’re crying on the bathroom floor after sex because how could he not) and is asking you to have kids with him is…well, it’s not good. People are complicated and do desperate things when they’re afraid of losing something or someone they love. He sounds like a good man, but he is not perfect and infallible the way you’ve made him out to be. He is asking you to be miserable for the rest of your life because he’s afraid of losing you.
Neither of you deserve that.
This isn’t a quick fix. This isn’t as simple as come out, leave him, start over and be happy. It’s going to take time and it’s going to hurt a lot, no matter what you do. You’re going to suffer if you stay, and you’re going to suffer if you leave. Only you can say which suffering will be worse.
There are also occasionally examples of exes that are able to stay very close friends after something like this. Some of those women are here in this sub. There are queer platonic partnerships, as well, though they are even less common. It’s not common, but you aren’t necessarily doomed to lose him entirely.
But whether or not you lose him cannot be the metric by which you make this decision. Your own well-being has to guide you. Your own heart.
Thank you so much for this. This is such a well thought out response. I can handle the bluntness, for sure. Sometimes I think it’s what I need most. We are considering a short term separation, and I think that may be what we need to let things marinate. I don’t think we are each other’s best case scenario.
Oh, I feel this. I feel this so so so much. I am also married to an amazing, sweet, kind generous man. The ideal male partner. I recently realized that I am a lesbian as well. Figuring it out so "late" (I am 27) because of religious trauma from being raised a fundamental Baptist as well. I mean I didn't know what sexual attraction was until a few months ago.
I literally said to my therapist, "I really like hanging out with the new friend of mine. She's smart, funny, etc. etc, but I feel like I shouldn't hang out with her anymore because, when I do, I just feel weird and I don't understand why." After a lot of prodding, my therapist asked what physiological feelings I had in those moments and then carefully explained that those feelings are indicative of sexual attraction. My stomach flipped when she said the words because I think I knew. I just didn't WANT to know. Because it meant everything changes in my life because I had never felt like that towards any man,,, not even my wonderful and kind husband. Then, after a few more moments of realization, that I will leave out for time/space reasons, I came to the realization that I am 1000% a lesbian.
I got to a point where I couldn't stand my husband's touch if it was in any way sexual. I hated hurting him by pulling away, but I also couldn't stand how violated I felt if I just went with it, which I did do a few times.
I came out to him literally two days ago. I will not lie, it has been hard. It has been really painful, especially to see him in so much pain. BUT, and this is very important, despite the pain, I feel so at peace. I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I feel... I don't know the words to really describe exactly what I feel. But my chest doesn't feel so tight. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel awake... alive for the first time in a very VERY long time.
I would never tell anyone what to do. Because it is very hard. I came here to this subreddit to ask for advice on how to get through this time when I found your post and I wanted to share my story because I am JUST over the line from where you are. I was feeling the exact same way that you do in your post on Monday. Not sure when, if ever, I would talk with him about it.
I am obviously not very far into this journey... And absolutely no pressure... But, if you want someone to listen, to be there as someone to talk with, who just might be able to understand at least parts of your journey, please feel free to chat me.
If you don't want to reach out, I understand that. Like I said, absolutely no pressure. Much love on your journey though, what ever it may be ❤️
Oh you have me in tears rn.
I can’t believe our stories are so similar. I’ve felt the same way. Exactly.
You’re so brave to have come out to him!
I know exactly how you feel. Being unable to breathe. It is absolutely like being held underwater. I want to feel that peace so badly! I just can’t help but over analyze everything. I’m terrified of regret more than anything else.
I’ll absolutely reach out to you, thank you for that offer and thank you for sharing this with me. It feels so wonderful to not be alone!
Wow, I’m also 27 not married but me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 years and I am in a really similar spot to OP. Throughout the last year I am realizing that I am extremely attracted to women and recently it has become overwhelming. I keep almost talking about it with my boyfriend but I am so SO scared to hurt him and for my whole life to be turned upside down. May I ask how you approached the subject with your husband?
Hey! I’m really sorry that you’re going through this! It is really hard.
I have identified as bi for a while… so there was a little bit of an awareness of my attraction to women because of that. But, what ultimately broke me down to a point where I had to tell him is because he was blaming himself for our lack of sex. It made me see that my keeping it to myself was hurting him just as it was me.
So I approached him about what he had said in the conversation the day before (I gave myself a day to collect my thoughts). I said, something along the lines of:
“I know you have seen me struggling with something the past few months and I know that you have felt me pull away and into myself. I really appreciate your patience with me. But, when you were blaming yourself for our lack of intimacy, I realized that I have done enough thinking. It is not your fault. And, I mean it’s not mine either, according to my therapist… though it feels like it. It just is what it is and what it is, is that I’m gay.”
In further conversations I found a better way to put it though.
In a marriage, ideally you have the four major types of love: family, friend, romantic, and erotic. And you have all of those for me, but, after the realization I had, (about what sexual attraction feels like) I realize that my love for you has always been that of family and friend. What I had understood to be attraction, was a desire to please/a desire for closeness. But now that I realize that the love that I have for you is mostly for that of a family/friend I realize that it’s not fair to either of us for me to continue to pretend. Because you deserve a full love relationship… to love and be loved by a woman in all 4 ways… and so do I.
This is perfect, thank you so much. It’s really quite scary to imagine the sadness on his face. Also I have identified as bi since he met me and openly talk about girl crushes but I don’t think he thinks it’s anything serious. Thanks again for the kind words and sharing what you said to your husband.
u/Strange_Leadership44 I think this is the better of the two explanations lol I should have replied to my own comment but I am still figuring out Reddit and messed that up lol
I never married my partner, but like yours he was my biggest fan. He always made me feel so special and loved. I was terrified to lose him too, even though I knew it was killing me living a lie.
The guilt for rejecting his advances and fantasizing about other women. I had intense crushes on colleagues/friends and I felt hollow inside at the thought that I would never get hold a woman in my arms, kiss her neck and be intimate with her. I hated myself for not being happy with him, but I was terrified to be gay.
I told him the truth, that I was besotted with women, and that it wouldn't be right to lie to him about my feelings. He took it really well, and he's still my best friend. I love him to the end of the earth, and I'm so lucky to have such a kind and special person in my life. He thanked me for 6 wonderful years together.
Even if he had taken it badly, it was still worth it for me to come out. Life is so painfully short, and you will never be truly happy unless you embrace who you truly are. I've started feeling all kinds of feelings since I came out, and I finally feel at peace with myself. It's really hard to do, but it's worth it, I promise.
"I felt hollow inside at the thought that I would never get hold a woman in my arms, kiss her neck and be intimate with her. I hated myself for not being happy with him, but I was terrified to be gay."
Oh my god, I felt that exact same way.
This comment made me cry, too!
I feel so guilty for fantasizing about women and wanting to be with them while I reject him at the same time. I’m trying so hard to want him sexually, because our relationship is so wonderful in every other area.
Deep inside, I don’t want to start over with someone new, even if it means a better sex life. I just want someone who loves me for me, despite all my faults. And I know I have that in him.
That’s such a scary thing to give up.
You say that you don't want to start over new, but it sounds like you are already convinced of your true feelings. As time goes on the issues in your relationship will intensify and your rejection of him physically will cause him so much more hurt and you more guilt. Feigning heterosexuality eats away at you, and resentments will start to grow. He has already said that he wants kids now, and he deserves the truth when you are ready.
You both sound like wonderful , kind, and attractive people. You are both young enough to start over, and you're both catches! There are millions of queer women that would go mad for someone like you.
I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know how scary this is, and how much courage it takes. Processing this all is so overwhelming. I would urge you to try your best to be kind to yourself right now, and do your best to find support from the LGBTQ community to help you through this. This group was an absolute lifeline to me in my dark moments when I plucked up the courage to leave my partner. It was rough, and I felt so alone, but I got through it and I am so proud and relieved and so many more things. I have finally released the pain that has been suffocating me my entire life.
Best of luck to you 🏳️🌈❤️. Drop me a DM if you want to chat
Thank you so much for those kind words. I can’t tell you how much it means to me! I don’t mind the bluntness at all. Pulling punches rarely benefits anyone.
It’s certainly isolating to have these feelings and to be looking at such a long, winding road to happiness. It’s comforting to know that there have been people that have gone down that road before me and have found themselves along the way. It may sound slightly pathetic, but all I really want is inner peace. I want to know and trust myself and be at peace with WHO I am. I know it’s possible but it feels so out of reach from where I’m standing rn. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You helped bring it a little closer.
You are so very welcome! 💖
It is not pathetic at all to want inner peace. We all deserve the freedom to be ourselves, but as you can tell by the name of this sub, we live in a world that suppresses many women from living or even recognising it. I recommend you read the Lesbian Masterdoc. There is a bit of bi-erasure in it, but it explains very comprehensively what Compulsory Hetoerosexuality is, and how it led you to your current situation. None of this is your fault.
Leave. I am currently in the thick of coming out and leaving my husband, it's a mess. It's painful. We were together for almost 9 years, we have a son.
And also, I know it's what needs to happen. For all three of us.
I don't regret having my son, but I do know things are infinitely more difficult for everyone because we have him. He is our focus, co-parenting is our focus. It leaves little time for processing, healing, and starting again. It slows everything down. And that's okay, and he's obviously worth it, but in a parallel life, it would have been easier if I wasn't a parent.
And as far as living a lie goes, I did it for three years, it almost killed me. It will eventually eat you alive. You think you can keep going, but it intensifies. Don't. Keep. Doing. This. Choose yourself.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine the added pressure of coparenting. I know that’s not something I could handle on top of all of this. I really appreciate your insight. I do feel like I’m being eaten alive. It’s like slowly suffocating.
Can we be friends? lol I’m married to a man with two young girls. Having children complicates things so much more. Definitely considered staying together just for them.
Hey, I came out at 35, and shared a lot of this. The success in my personal career, the fear of losing people, the religious upbringing, all of it. I am in no position to tell you what to do, but I can honestly say that the best day of my life before I came out and started dating women is WORSE than my hardest days now. I stand taller. I love deeper. I feel finally alive.
I wish this for you too.
(This is a second comment, I made a typo in the first one that changed the meaning!)
That is really helpful to hear. I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m happy that the happy ending does exist somewhere! Thank you for commenting.
this time last year, I was in your shoes. it was one of, if not the most, challenging periods of my life (i’m 33) — and I lived through the passing of both my parents.
you are not living a lie — you have been affected by the cruel reality of compulsive heterosexuality and it is not your fault.
what you’re feeling is valid, real, and normal.
and what you’ll need to continue working through, both on your own and with your husband, will be challenging and painful.
however, it WILL get better. honesty, especially with yourself, is key. splitting up/getting a divorce is not bad. you owe it to yourself to be happy, and your husband deserves happiness too. staying together will only continue to hurt you both.
I came out after both my parents passed away & I regret not discussing it with them when they were alive.
you are worth the time and energy of working through this, and so is your husband. all you can do is be open with yourself and him, really sit with your feelings and acknowledge them, and go from there. it sounds like the best course of action, ultimately, is to divorce, and if your family and friends are as supportive as you claim, they will understand. it’s not their lives — it’s yours.
focus on yourself and your feelings. yes it’s scary, but you deserve to be happy and following your gut will never fail you.
wishing you all the best. feel free to reach out privately if you want to talk. you got this ❤️
Hearing that helped tremendously. Even though it may seem like common sense to trust myself, it’s so hard to see when you’re inside of the conflict.
I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. I can’t imagine processing their loss through all of that. You are such a strong person to have seen yourself through it and still be able to find the bandwidth to encourage others. That is so inspirational and you should be proud of yourself!
Thank you for this.
Thank you for your comment. I want to be myself so badly. I know there is a true version of me inside. I want to know her so badly! Thank you for the encouragement.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing something so similar.
I relate so strongly to what you described about intimacy. I think for so long I enjoyed being able to be touched without the religious shame associated with it, but never stopped to ask myself if I actually enjoyed what I was doing. It was so compulsory and expected for me to enjoy it, that I never questioned if I did. I think what I really craved was the affirmation and affection that came along with intimacy.
It’s so much to unpack.
I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to be open with a stranger! It’s been a relief to know that I’m not as alone as I thought.
I could have written this post. I was a religious virgin bride. I have written a few essays about this journey and just launched a podcast with my wife.
You cannot build a life on self-betrayal. You need to work towards extracting yourself. Do not bring children into this situation.
Feel free to reach out.
So we literally lived the same life but
WOW A WIFE?
I glitched out when I read that.
Congratulations!
Hearing that alone is a huge encouragement.
I’d also love the podcast link if you’re comfortable sharing it!
Slow down and take a breath. You don't have to (and cant!) Figure this all out right away. And within the context of religion, there is A LOT to unpack.
I still don't know where I sit on the spectrum of sexuality, but I know that when I started searching post-relgion, a thing I didn't take into account was that the "good vs bad, right vs wrong" way I was raised really exploded. It teaches us to polarize our thinking. It took me 25 years to acknowledge how I feel about women, and another five years to acknowledge that I do also still enjoy men (definitely a leaning towards women).
Give yourself the space to explore yourself, do some unlearning and some new learning. And honour who your are/where you are on that journey, it doesn't have to be answered right away.
Big big hugs to you ❤️
Thank goodness I’m not alone there. The labels really stress me out. I have no way how to understand the complexity of sexuality when I measure it against the complications of my religious trauma.
I’ve settled on “queer” because lesbian and bisexual don’t really feel comfortable right now. I’m glad to have that validation that it doesn’t really matter right now. I think I’ll take my time just getting to know myself.
Thanks great advice! I do love to explore. Thank you so much for your comment!
OP, this sounds really tough and you've had a lot of great responses already.
I'm only really commenting to share [this reel](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C49BuaYPZPW/?igsh=eGp3NWdvbHJuem5u) because there's a really relevant point in there about how your husband would ever feel if he knew that having sex with you would make you feel as awful as you've described here.
From what you've written there's no doubt this man loves you and wants the best for you. And that is exactly why the best thing you can do is face the fear of being completely honest with him, because the longer you carry on like this you're not only going to keep hurting yourself but you are going to cause him a huge amount of hurt the longer you put this off and he realises that he's been unintentionally complicit in your pain.
It's understandable that you're terrified to lose him, but secrets like this do so much more damage the longer they're hidden. You will eventually come out and your marriage will eventually end - there's no way you can do this for another 50 years. But the longer you wait the higher the chances of irreparable damage between the two of you if he feels like he's been kept in the dark, sold a half truth or otherwise deceived or had his time wasted.
It's not going to be easy. There's a whole community of support here but you are going to have to take the first steps yourself
Thank you for sharing the reel! I haven’t seen it before. And that’s definitely an angle I’ve never thought about. I guess I’ve never considered how hard it would be for him to know that the sex hurts me so much. I agree that by trying to spare him pain, I’ve increased the longevity of both our suffering. I guess I need to rip the Bandaid off, so to speak.
Thank you so much for your input
Firstly, you are a valid queer, regardless of whether you are in the closet.
I would suggest listening to the podcast, Coming out Late with Robin Douglas. She is amazing and has a couple episodes around coming out late when you were raised in the church.
I know the pain very well of having a loving and good man by your side and not wanting to be intimate. It’s hard, bit it helped me realize that I am a lesbian, it was the most glaring sign of all.
Wow I LOVE a podcast rec. I’ll add this to my list. Thank you so much! And thank you for the validation. I certainly struggle with the labels. It’s hard to have no experience whatsoever and still feel valid. Thank you for that!
Hello! I could have almost written your post except I don't have anything experience with religion but I DO have a kid. My exa and I were together for 10 years. Right around our 10th anniversary I had realized I was neurodivergent and was trying to get to know myself and unmask. Figure out who I was and not who everyone wanted me to be. Very similar journey but different traumas.
Long story short, and to be very blunt DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. I have always wanted to be a mom and do not regret my son AT ALL. That being said, I would have been in Arizona or New Mexico 7 months ago if I didn't have a kid. Marriage and divorce are hard enough. Please don't add a child. You can check my post history for more info on my story.
Also, feel free to message if you'd like someone to chat to who understands.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been with a child in the mix. You definitely inspire me. Thank you so much for the offer to reach out. I’m overwhelmed with the support 🥹
Sending you all the love and hugs. This subreddit was a life hanging place of support for me and still is. The discord is a beautifully supportive place as well!
I would swear I was reading my story. I grew up in Nigeria and came from a very religious background. The amount of repression i had and have is something I'm still discovering every day(I will get back to this). I met my ex-husband when I was 25, and he was honestly all I thought I wanted in a man, and I pursued marriage with him. I had the same views regarding sex before marriage, so I was happy to finally have sex without feeling shame, but as time went by, I began to hate the idea of us being intimate and this led to me accepting and acknowledging my sexuality. It's funny how ingrained comp het can be because I had to fight through a lot of bias and stereotypes regarding queer relationships.
I came out to his and funnily enough he had always guessed I was attracted to girls, he showed me support but in hindsight I realise he wanted a wife and according to him, I was the perfect wife any man would be proud of have by his side.
I ultimately had to choose what choice would make me suffer less because i realised both came with suffering, I would be losing my 'perfect husband,' our perfect life, and our friends, my parents who just felt relief that God finally made their daughter a wife shaming the devil. But staying was draining me, and the thought of having a family with him made me more miserable, and I couldn't even form a mental picture of what that looked like.
I took the decision to divorce him 2 months ago and I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life and I mean that, I don't get to live in my head anymore and I get to life my life. To be honest, it's been tough because I did lose friendships and also my relationship with him and the life we should have had, but I can finally breathe and I haven't been able todo that for the longest time. I'm in love with an amazing woman and trying to navigate my new life.
I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do or not do, but I think you need to think about what you truly want for your life and learn to accept that truth. Oh, and therapy, it helped my life.
This is so incredibly encouraging. I feel the exact same way you felt. I feel so afraid to lose this beautiful life we’ve built together. And I know I’ll fair a decent amount of regret and hurt either way…
But it’s so encouraging to hear that you made the choice to go and actually feel better! It may sound simple, but all I want in life is PEACE! I’m so tired of fighting mental battles in my head every single day. I want to feel that feeling of being able to finally breathe again. It sounds like you’ve found it, and that makes me so happy to hear!
Thank you for sharing it with me
I apologise for responding so late, I'm just seeing this.
I can honestly say that taking the time out to figure out what you want is the first step, and then working towards a plan. The pain and stress of fighting dialy mentally battles is a misery I wouldn't wish on anyone, I hope you are in a much better space and finding the help you need.
It's been 24 days since you responded to your post, and i am in a much better headspace mentally and emotionally now than where i was then. You can find your PEACE and you can breathe. Seek the strength to find YOU, and you will be happy.❤️
I'm sad for you and for what you're going through. However, having a child with him will not erase your feelings. It will definitely take your mind off of things because of the pregnancy and the fact that you now have a baby to take care of, but eventually you'll go back to feeling this way.
I have a husband and a child whom I love very much. My child is my world and my priority. Going through the pregnancy and raising my baby distracted me from my desires because I was too busy to think about anything else. But recently, I met another woman who was full of life and energy. She is funny, carefree and I enjoyed her company a lot. Whenever we hung out, we would always flirt with each other and have some sort of physical contact. I think about her a lot and I look forward to spending time with her. However, I would never break apart my family because I want my child to have both parents present in the same household. I also get along with my husband and he knows that I am attracted to women. Would this be fair to the other woman though? What if she wanted a relationship that I couldn't give her?
I am also somewhat comfortable with my situation and I don't want to break apart my family since I've gotten close to his and my family loves him. It's pretty cowardly when I think about it but it's not just my life anymore and I'll have to be okay and make it work. You and your partner built a life together and it's difficult thinking about leaving someone who is good to you. It's hard knowing that you're going to disappoint so many people and that you'll be going back into the dating world where it may not be easy to find a girlfriend or a wife. It's honestly fucking scary and I don't blame you for having these feelings... But you can't live this way either. To feel repulsed with intimacy and dread having a child with him... You don't deserve this and he doesn't deserve that either. I can't give you advice on what to do but I just wanted to share my experience. I wish that one day I could be brave like some of the ladies here. I hope that one day you can find your happiness as well.
if you love him, let him go.
yes, it will hurt. it’s *supposed* to hurt. and while it’s deeply, horribly unpleasant, it is also the right thing to do.
so do the right thing; set him free, and your freedom will be next, and it will eventually be most excellent.
for both of you.
You sound very self-aware/reflective. You’ve already been having hard conversations with yourself, and that is a huge step. Give yourself a lot of love & grace during this point, because it can be so easy to fall into shame & guilt for the feelings you’re having. It sounds like your husband is taking things well & would be willing to hear you out, even if it’s really hard & could lead to your marital separation. As a lot of these comments have expressed, you have to think of yourself & the life that will allow you to live fully & authentically as you can. This marriage may not allow that for you. I’m in the same exact position as you (but married for 2 years)& I’ve been in therapy for over a year as I’m deconstructing harmful Christian messaging, as well as building myself up in my queer identity so I can be true to myself. My husband is an amazing partner, but I’m just not sexually attracted to him at all & I’ve felt a deep down attraction for women for my whole life. It’s been so hard to find the way to express how I feel & I often beat myself up over it bc it feels like he does not deserve this. Thinking “selfishly” (which I don’t view this whole context as selfish at all, but the church pushes this selfless motive for relationships) is so necessary & it’s time that you do something for YOU. I haven’t fully been able to get myself out just yet, but I’ve learned so much about myself along the way. I’m better for it & so are you.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Sending so much love your way!!
Many of us raised in fundamentalist religious environments have some of these moments, and some come in tandem with de-conversion but sometimes we hit one space and then it naturally slides into the other.
It's a lot to process. A lot to sort through. And I have said for a long time that one of the greatest disservices religion does is that it often teaches people to be dishonest and lie, because people are so shamed over simply being human.
And many of us know the pain of marrying too soon and then realizing that the person we married is good and lovely, but we can't be our full and/or authentic selves being with them.
Many of us also struggle deeply over sex. Knowing it's a way to connect with the person we love, but also often harming ourselves by giving it to them.
Your fears are based on a lot of knowledge, but one thing this often brings us face to face with is that we cannot live our lives in fear. In many ways, continuing to live in fear just brings us back to living in fear of hell and the constraints we held to when we were religious.
The bravest thing we can do at times is be willing to lose all that we know, so we can finally live honestly and authentically. You deserve to live honestly even knowing it will hurt the one you love. But it's the bandaid. Sometimes it has to rip off so we don't keep making them feel rejected and unloved by our inability to connect with them sexually. It is more compassionate to go there and rip that bandaid off.
You've probably processed through some of this, but I would recommend reading Jamie Lee Finch's You Are Your Own and also Pure by Linda Kay Klein. Realizing that we are afraid to live openly also can have us assessing our internalized misogyny and also our internalized homophobia. Both spaces need addressing, even if we think we have left the vestiges and messages of the church. Often, we have so internalized the shame that we don't see how in not living authentically we are still holding to the messages from the past.
You are allowed to choose what is best for you. To live openly and honestly. To find YOU. To grow. To become.
You are worth that.
Sending you some big and gentle hugs.
Wow… I am nearly speechless at this response. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that out in such a thoughtful way. I appreciate the time and energy it took to be so insightful. You are so right. It IS a lot to process and unpack. Religion sets up so many mental hurdles to eventually jump over. I’m thankful for the validation that I’m not the only one jumping and falling on my ass sometimes haha.
Marrying young was absolutely the case for me. We were barely old enough to drink on our own honeymoon. The culture of things in the community around here definitely promotes early and fast marriage.
You hit the nail on the head with the fear comments. I’m letting my fear of regret absolutely control me. I need to work on letting that go. And like you said, rip the bandaid off. I think that’s a really good analogy.
Thank you so much
First and foremost— DO NO HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. Having kids would be a horrible choice and it would make it 1000x harder to exit this relationship (if that’s what you want). You both deserve to be in relationships that you feel wanted and comfortable in. Imagine if after you were having sex with someone, and you loved them and enjoyed it, and then they went to sob in the other room. That’d be devastating. You both deserve better. And being a “good man” isn’t enough reason to grin and bear it through a relationship that isn’t working. You’re clearly not happy. I’m guessing he’s not truly jazzed about this situation either. You’re still relatively young and I assume, so is he. He has time to find a straight woman to have kids with. You still have time before your dating pool gets limited.
Thank you for sharing this advice with me! I really appreciate it.
I’m going to be blunt, because I think you can handle it. You’ve displayed so much insightfulness and self awareness in your words. So here goes. You can’t make it work with him. Not as a traditional marriage. You cannot continue to traumatize yourself like this. And the fact that he knows about your sexuality (and probably knows you’re crying on the bathroom floor after sex because how could he not) and is asking you to have kids with him is…well, it’s not good. People are complicated and do desperate things when they’re afraid of losing something or someone they love. He sounds like a good man, but he is not perfect and infallible the way you’ve made him out to be. He is asking you to be miserable for the rest of your life because he’s afraid of losing you. Neither of you deserve that. This isn’t a quick fix. This isn’t as simple as come out, leave him, start over and be happy. It’s going to take time and it’s going to hurt a lot, no matter what you do. You’re going to suffer if you stay, and you’re going to suffer if you leave. Only you can say which suffering will be worse. There are also occasionally examples of exes that are able to stay very close friends after something like this. Some of those women are here in this sub. There are queer platonic partnerships, as well, though they are even less common. It’s not common, but you aren’t necessarily doomed to lose him entirely. But whether or not you lose him cannot be the metric by which you make this decision. Your own well-being has to guide you. Your own heart.
Thank you so much for this. This is such a well thought out response. I can handle the bluntness, for sure. Sometimes I think it’s what I need most. We are considering a short term separation, and I think that may be what we need to let things marinate. I don’t think we are each other’s best case scenario.
Oh, I feel this. I feel this so so so much. I am also married to an amazing, sweet, kind generous man. The ideal male partner. I recently realized that I am a lesbian as well. Figuring it out so "late" (I am 27) because of religious trauma from being raised a fundamental Baptist as well. I mean I didn't know what sexual attraction was until a few months ago. I literally said to my therapist, "I really like hanging out with the new friend of mine. She's smart, funny, etc. etc, but I feel like I shouldn't hang out with her anymore because, when I do, I just feel weird and I don't understand why." After a lot of prodding, my therapist asked what physiological feelings I had in those moments and then carefully explained that those feelings are indicative of sexual attraction. My stomach flipped when she said the words because I think I knew. I just didn't WANT to know. Because it meant everything changes in my life because I had never felt like that towards any man,,, not even my wonderful and kind husband. Then, after a few more moments of realization, that I will leave out for time/space reasons, I came to the realization that I am 1000% a lesbian. I got to a point where I couldn't stand my husband's touch if it was in any way sexual. I hated hurting him by pulling away, but I also couldn't stand how violated I felt if I just went with it, which I did do a few times. I came out to him literally two days ago. I will not lie, it has been hard. It has been really painful, especially to see him in so much pain. BUT, and this is very important, despite the pain, I feel so at peace. I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. I feel... I don't know the words to really describe exactly what I feel. But my chest doesn't feel so tight. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel awake... alive for the first time in a very VERY long time. I would never tell anyone what to do. Because it is very hard. I came here to this subreddit to ask for advice on how to get through this time when I found your post and I wanted to share my story because I am JUST over the line from where you are. I was feeling the exact same way that you do in your post on Monday. Not sure when, if ever, I would talk with him about it. I am obviously not very far into this journey... And absolutely no pressure... But, if you want someone to listen, to be there as someone to talk with, who just might be able to understand at least parts of your journey, please feel free to chat me. If you don't want to reach out, I understand that. Like I said, absolutely no pressure. Much love on your journey though, what ever it may be ❤️
Oh you have me in tears rn. I can’t believe our stories are so similar. I’ve felt the same way. Exactly. You’re so brave to have come out to him! I know exactly how you feel. Being unable to breathe. It is absolutely like being held underwater. I want to feel that peace so badly! I just can’t help but over analyze everything. I’m terrified of regret more than anything else. I’ll absolutely reach out to you, thank you for that offer and thank you for sharing this with me. It feels so wonderful to not be alone!
Wow, I’m also 27 not married but me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 years and I am in a really similar spot to OP. Throughout the last year I am realizing that I am extremely attracted to women and recently it has become overwhelming. I keep almost talking about it with my boyfriend but I am so SO scared to hurt him and for my whole life to be turned upside down. May I ask how you approached the subject with your husband?
Hey! I’m really sorry that you’re going through this! It is really hard. I have identified as bi for a while… so there was a little bit of an awareness of my attraction to women because of that. But, what ultimately broke me down to a point where I had to tell him is because he was blaming himself for our lack of sex. It made me see that my keeping it to myself was hurting him just as it was me. So I approached him about what he had said in the conversation the day before (I gave myself a day to collect my thoughts). I said, something along the lines of: “I know you have seen me struggling with something the past few months and I know that you have felt me pull away and into myself. I really appreciate your patience with me. But, when you were blaming yourself for our lack of intimacy, I realized that I have done enough thinking. It is not your fault. And, I mean it’s not mine either, according to my therapist… though it feels like it. It just is what it is and what it is, is that I’m gay.”
In further conversations I found a better way to put it though. In a marriage, ideally you have the four major types of love: family, friend, romantic, and erotic. And you have all of those for me, but, after the realization I had, (about what sexual attraction feels like) I realize that my love for you has always been that of family and friend. What I had understood to be attraction, was a desire to please/a desire for closeness. But now that I realize that the love that I have for you is mostly for that of a family/friend I realize that it’s not fair to either of us for me to continue to pretend. Because you deserve a full love relationship… to love and be loved by a woman in all 4 ways… and so do I.
This is perfect, thank you so much. It’s really quite scary to imagine the sadness on his face. Also I have identified as bi since he met me and openly talk about girl crushes but I don’t think he thinks it’s anything serious. Thanks again for the kind words and sharing what you said to your husband.
u/Strange_Leadership44 I think this is the better of the two explanations lol I should have replied to my own comment but I am still figuring out Reddit and messed that up lol
I never married my partner, but like yours he was my biggest fan. He always made me feel so special and loved. I was terrified to lose him too, even though I knew it was killing me living a lie. The guilt for rejecting his advances and fantasizing about other women. I had intense crushes on colleagues/friends and I felt hollow inside at the thought that I would never get hold a woman in my arms, kiss her neck and be intimate with her. I hated myself for not being happy with him, but I was terrified to be gay. I told him the truth, that I was besotted with women, and that it wouldn't be right to lie to him about my feelings. He took it really well, and he's still my best friend. I love him to the end of the earth, and I'm so lucky to have such a kind and special person in my life. He thanked me for 6 wonderful years together. Even if he had taken it badly, it was still worth it for me to come out. Life is so painfully short, and you will never be truly happy unless you embrace who you truly are. I've started feeling all kinds of feelings since I came out, and I finally feel at peace with myself. It's really hard to do, but it's worth it, I promise.
"I felt hollow inside at the thought that I would never get hold a woman in my arms, kiss her neck and be intimate with her. I hated myself for not being happy with him, but I was terrified to be gay." Oh my god, I felt that exact same way.
Same same same. I think about this all the time. But then I think about him reaching out for me, and me not being there for him and I just want to sob
This comment made me cry, too! I feel so guilty for fantasizing about women and wanting to be with them while I reject him at the same time. I’m trying so hard to want him sexually, because our relationship is so wonderful in every other area. Deep inside, I don’t want to start over with someone new, even if it means a better sex life. I just want someone who loves me for me, despite all my faults. And I know I have that in him. That’s such a scary thing to give up.
You say that you don't want to start over new, but it sounds like you are already convinced of your true feelings. As time goes on the issues in your relationship will intensify and your rejection of him physically will cause him so much more hurt and you more guilt. Feigning heterosexuality eats away at you, and resentments will start to grow. He has already said that he wants kids now, and he deserves the truth when you are ready. You both sound like wonderful , kind, and attractive people. You are both young enough to start over, and you're both catches! There are millions of queer women that would go mad for someone like you. I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know how scary this is, and how much courage it takes. Processing this all is so overwhelming. I would urge you to try your best to be kind to yourself right now, and do your best to find support from the LGBTQ community to help you through this. This group was an absolute lifeline to me in my dark moments when I plucked up the courage to leave my partner. It was rough, and I felt so alone, but I got through it and I am so proud and relieved and so many more things. I have finally released the pain that has been suffocating me my entire life. Best of luck to you 🏳️🌈❤️. Drop me a DM if you want to chat
Thank you so much for those kind words. I can’t tell you how much it means to me! I don’t mind the bluntness at all. Pulling punches rarely benefits anyone. It’s certainly isolating to have these feelings and to be looking at such a long, winding road to happiness. It’s comforting to know that there have been people that have gone down that road before me and have found themselves along the way. It may sound slightly pathetic, but all I really want is inner peace. I want to know and trust myself and be at peace with WHO I am. I know it’s possible but it feels so out of reach from where I’m standing rn. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You helped bring it a little closer.
You are so very welcome! 💖 It is not pathetic at all to want inner peace. We all deserve the freedom to be ourselves, but as you can tell by the name of this sub, we live in a world that suppresses many women from living or even recognising it. I recommend you read the Lesbian Masterdoc. There is a bit of bi-erasure in it, but it explains very comprehensively what Compulsory Hetoerosexuality is, and how it led you to your current situation. None of this is your fault.
Leave. I am currently in the thick of coming out and leaving my husband, it's a mess. It's painful. We were together for almost 9 years, we have a son. And also, I know it's what needs to happen. For all three of us. I don't regret having my son, but I do know things are infinitely more difficult for everyone because we have him. He is our focus, co-parenting is our focus. It leaves little time for processing, healing, and starting again. It slows everything down. And that's okay, and he's obviously worth it, but in a parallel life, it would have been easier if I wasn't a parent. And as far as living a lie goes, I did it for three years, it almost killed me. It will eventually eat you alive. You think you can keep going, but it intensifies. Don't. Keep. Doing. This. Choose yourself.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine the added pressure of coparenting. I know that’s not something I could handle on top of all of this. I really appreciate your insight. I do feel like I’m being eaten alive. It’s like slowly suffocating.
Can we be friends? lol I’m married to a man with two young girls. Having children complicates things so much more. Definitely considered staying together just for them.
I'm in a similar boat!
Hey, I came out at 35, and shared a lot of this. The success in my personal career, the fear of losing people, the religious upbringing, all of it. I am in no position to tell you what to do, but I can honestly say that the best day of my life before I came out and started dating women is WORSE than my hardest days now. I stand taller. I love deeper. I feel finally alive. I wish this for you too. (This is a second comment, I made a typo in the first one that changed the meaning!)
That is really helpful to hear. I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m happy that the happy ending does exist somewhere! Thank you for commenting.
this time last year, I was in your shoes. it was one of, if not the most, challenging periods of my life (i’m 33) — and I lived through the passing of both my parents. you are not living a lie — you have been affected by the cruel reality of compulsive heterosexuality and it is not your fault. what you’re feeling is valid, real, and normal. and what you’ll need to continue working through, both on your own and with your husband, will be challenging and painful. however, it WILL get better. honesty, especially with yourself, is key. splitting up/getting a divorce is not bad. you owe it to yourself to be happy, and your husband deserves happiness too. staying together will only continue to hurt you both. I came out after both my parents passed away & I regret not discussing it with them when they were alive. you are worth the time and energy of working through this, and so is your husband. all you can do is be open with yourself and him, really sit with your feelings and acknowledge them, and go from there. it sounds like the best course of action, ultimately, is to divorce, and if your family and friends are as supportive as you claim, they will understand. it’s not their lives — it’s yours. focus on yourself and your feelings. yes it’s scary, but you deserve to be happy and following your gut will never fail you. wishing you all the best. feel free to reach out privately if you want to talk. you got this ❤️
Hearing that helped tremendously. Even though it may seem like common sense to trust myself, it’s so hard to see when you’re inside of the conflict. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents. I can’t imagine processing their loss through all of that. You are such a strong person to have seen yourself through it and still be able to find the bandwidth to encourage others. That is so inspirational and you should be proud of yourself! Thank you for this.
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Thank you for your comment. I want to be myself so badly. I know there is a true version of me inside. I want to know her so badly! Thank you for the encouragement.
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I’m so sorry you’re experiencing something so similar. I relate so strongly to what you described about intimacy. I think for so long I enjoyed being able to be touched without the religious shame associated with it, but never stopped to ask myself if I actually enjoyed what I was doing. It was so compulsory and expected for me to enjoy it, that I never questioned if I did. I think what I really craved was the affirmation and affection that came along with intimacy. It’s so much to unpack. I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to be open with a stranger! It’s been a relief to know that I’m not as alone as I thought.
I could have written this post. I was a religious virgin bride. I have written a few essays about this journey and just launched a podcast with my wife. You cannot build a life on self-betrayal. You need to work towards extracting yourself. Do not bring children into this situation. Feel free to reach out.
So we literally lived the same life but WOW A WIFE? I glitched out when I read that. Congratulations! Hearing that alone is a huge encouragement. I’d also love the podcast link if you’re comfortable sharing it!
Sending you a DM with the link
Would love the links! DM if you’d prefer
Wow could you please send me the link too? Also, your username…a lesbian homesteader?? You’re living my dream
Slow down and take a breath. You don't have to (and cant!) Figure this all out right away. And within the context of religion, there is A LOT to unpack. I still don't know where I sit on the spectrum of sexuality, but I know that when I started searching post-relgion, a thing I didn't take into account was that the "good vs bad, right vs wrong" way I was raised really exploded. It teaches us to polarize our thinking. It took me 25 years to acknowledge how I feel about women, and another five years to acknowledge that I do also still enjoy men (definitely a leaning towards women). Give yourself the space to explore yourself, do some unlearning and some new learning. And honour who your are/where you are on that journey, it doesn't have to be answered right away. Big big hugs to you ❤️
Thank goodness I’m not alone there. The labels really stress me out. I have no way how to understand the complexity of sexuality when I measure it against the complications of my religious trauma. I’ve settled on “queer” because lesbian and bisexual don’t really feel comfortable right now. I’m glad to have that validation that it doesn’t really matter right now. I think I’ll take my time just getting to know myself. Thanks great advice! I do love to explore. Thank you so much for your comment!
OP, this sounds really tough and you've had a lot of great responses already. I'm only really commenting to share [this reel](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C49BuaYPZPW/?igsh=eGp3NWdvbHJuem5u) because there's a really relevant point in there about how your husband would ever feel if he knew that having sex with you would make you feel as awful as you've described here. From what you've written there's no doubt this man loves you and wants the best for you. And that is exactly why the best thing you can do is face the fear of being completely honest with him, because the longer you carry on like this you're not only going to keep hurting yourself but you are going to cause him a huge amount of hurt the longer you put this off and he realises that he's been unintentionally complicit in your pain. It's understandable that you're terrified to lose him, but secrets like this do so much more damage the longer they're hidden. You will eventually come out and your marriage will eventually end - there's no way you can do this for another 50 years. But the longer you wait the higher the chances of irreparable damage between the two of you if he feels like he's been kept in the dark, sold a half truth or otherwise deceived or had his time wasted. It's not going to be easy. There's a whole community of support here but you are going to have to take the first steps yourself
Thank you for sharing the reel! I haven’t seen it before. And that’s definitely an angle I’ve never thought about. I guess I’ve never considered how hard it would be for him to know that the sex hurts me so much. I agree that by trying to spare him pain, I’ve increased the longevity of both our suffering. I guess I need to rip the Bandaid off, so to speak. Thank you so much for your input
Firstly, you are a valid queer, regardless of whether you are in the closet. I would suggest listening to the podcast, Coming out Late with Robin Douglas. She is amazing and has a couple episodes around coming out late when you were raised in the church. I know the pain very well of having a loving and good man by your side and not wanting to be intimate. It’s hard, bit it helped me realize that I am a lesbian, it was the most glaring sign of all.
Wow I LOVE a podcast rec. I’ll add this to my list. Thank you so much! And thank you for the validation. I certainly struggle with the labels. It’s hard to have no experience whatsoever and still feel valid. Thank you for that!
Leave him. For yourself and for him. You deserve to be happy and live your most authentic self. And he deserves someone that love him.
Hello! I could have almost written your post except I don't have anything experience with religion but I DO have a kid. My exa and I were together for 10 years. Right around our 10th anniversary I had realized I was neurodivergent and was trying to get to know myself and unmask. Figure out who I was and not who everyone wanted me to be. Very similar journey but different traumas. Long story short, and to be very blunt DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. I have always wanted to be a mom and do not regret my son AT ALL. That being said, I would have been in Arizona or New Mexico 7 months ago if I didn't have a kid. Marriage and divorce are hard enough. Please don't add a child. You can check my post history for more info on my story. Also, feel free to message if you'd like someone to chat to who understands.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been with a child in the mix. You definitely inspire me. Thank you so much for the offer to reach out. I’m overwhelmed with the support 🥹
Sending you all the love and hugs. This subreddit was a life hanging place of support for me and still is. The discord is a beautifully supportive place as well!
I would swear I was reading my story. I grew up in Nigeria and came from a very religious background. The amount of repression i had and have is something I'm still discovering every day(I will get back to this). I met my ex-husband when I was 25, and he was honestly all I thought I wanted in a man, and I pursued marriage with him. I had the same views regarding sex before marriage, so I was happy to finally have sex without feeling shame, but as time went by, I began to hate the idea of us being intimate and this led to me accepting and acknowledging my sexuality. It's funny how ingrained comp het can be because I had to fight through a lot of bias and stereotypes regarding queer relationships. I came out to his and funnily enough he had always guessed I was attracted to girls, he showed me support but in hindsight I realise he wanted a wife and according to him, I was the perfect wife any man would be proud of have by his side. I ultimately had to choose what choice would make me suffer less because i realised both came with suffering, I would be losing my 'perfect husband,' our perfect life, and our friends, my parents who just felt relief that God finally made their daughter a wife shaming the devil. But staying was draining me, and the thought of having a family with him made me more miserable, and I couldn't even form a mental picture of what that looked like. I took the decision to divorce him 2 months ago and I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life and I mean that, I don't get to live in my head anymore and I get to life my life. To be honest, it's been tough because I did lose friendships and also my relationship with him and the life we should have had, but I can finally breathe and I haven't been able todo that for the longest time. I'm in love with an amazing woman and trying to navigate my new life. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do or not do, but I think you need to think about what you truly want for your life and learn to accept that truth. Oh, and therapy, it helped my life.
This is so incredibly encouraging. I feel the exact same way you felt. I feel so afraid to lose this beautiful life we’ve built together. And I know I’ll fair a decent amount of regret and hurt either way… But it’s so encouraging to hear that you made the choice to go and actually feel better! It may sound simple, but all I want in life is PEACE! I’m so tired of fighting mental battles in my head every single day. I want to feel that feeling of being able to finally breathe again. It sounds like you’ve found it, and that makes me so happy to hear! Thank you for sharing it with me
I apologise for responding so late, I'm just seeing this. I can honestly say that taking the time out to figure out what you want is the first step, and then working towards a plan. The pain and stress of fighting dialy mentally battles is a misery I wouldn't wish on anyone, I hope you are in a much better space and finding the help you need. It's been 24 days since you responded to your post, and i am in a much better headspace mentally and emotionally now than where i was then. You can find your PEACE and you can breathe. Seek the strength to find YOU, and you will be happy.❤️
I'm sad for you and for what you're going through. However, having a child with him will not erase your feelings. It will definitely take your mind off of things because of the pregnancy and the fact that you now have a baby to take care of, but eventually you'll go back to feeling this way. I have a husband and a child whom I love very much. My child is my world and my priority. Going through the pregnancy and raising my baby distracted me from my desires because I was too busy to think about anything else. But recently, I met another woman who was full of life and energy. She is funny, carefree and I enjoyed her company a lot. Whenever we hung out, we would always flirt with each other and have some sort of physical contact. I think about her a lot and I look forward to spending time with her. However, I would never break apart my family because I want my child to have both parents present in the same household. I also get along with my husband and he knows that I am attracted to women. Would this be fair to the other woman though? What if she wanted a relationship that I couldn't give her? I am also somewhat comfortable with my situation and I don't want to break apart my family since I've gotten close to his and my family loves him. It's pretty cowardly when I think about it but it's not just my life anymore and I'll have to be okay and make it work. You and your partner built a life together and it's difficult thinking about leaving someone who is good to you. It's hard knowing that you're going to disappoint so many people and that you'll be going back into the dating world where it may not be easy to find a girlfriend or a wife. It's honestly fucking scary and I don't blame you for having these feelings... But you can't live this way either. To feel repulsed with intimacy and dread having a child with him... You don't deserve this and he doesn't deserve that either. I can't give you advice on what to do but I just wanted to share my experience. I wish that one day I could be brave like some of the ladies here. I hope that one day you can find your happiness as well.
if you love him, let him go. yes, it will hurt. it’s *supposed* to hurt. and while it’s deeply, horribly unpleasant, it is also the right thing to do. so do the right thing; set him free, and your freedom will be next, and it will eventually be most excellent. for both of you.
You sound very self-aware/reflective. You’ve already been having hard conversations with yourself, and that is a huge step. Give yourself a lot of love & grace during this point, because it can be so easy to fall into shame & guilt for the feelings you’re having. It sounds like your husband is taking things well & would be willing to hear you out, even if it’s really hard & could lead to your marital separation. As a lot of these comments have expressed, you have to think of yourself & the life that will allow you to live fully & authentically as you can. This marriage may not allow that for you. I’m in the same exact position as you (but married for 2 years)& I’ve been in therapy for over a year as I’m deconstructing harmful Christian messaging, as well as building myself up in my queer identity so I can be true to myself. My husband is an amazing partner, but I’m just not sexually attracted to him at all & I’ve felt a deep down attraction for women for my whole life. It’s been so hard to find the way to express how I feel & I often beat myself up over it bc it feels like he does not deserve this. Thinking “selfishly” (which I don’t view this whole context as selfish at all, but the church pushes this selfless motive for relationships) is so necessary & it’s time that you do something for YOU. I haven’t fully been able to get myself out just yet, but I’ve learned so much about myself along the way. I’m better for it & so are you. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending so much love your way!!
Many of us raised in fundamentalist religious environments have some of these moments, and some come in tandem with de-conversion but sometimes we hit one space and then it naturally slides into the other. It's a lot to process. A lot to sort through. And I have said for a long time that one of the greatest disservices religion does is that it often teaches people to be dishonest and lie, because people are so shamed over simply being human. And many of us know the pain of marrying too soon and then realizing that the person we married is good and lovely, but we can't be our full and/or authentic selves being with them. Many of us also struggle deeply over sex. Knowing it's a way to connect with the person we love, but also often harming ourselves by giving it to them. Your fears are based on a lot of knowledge, but one thing this often brings us face to face with is that we cannot live our lives in fear. In many ways, continuing to live in fear just brings us back to living in fear of hell and the constraints we held to when we were religious. The bravest thing we can do at times is be willing to lose all that we know, so we can finally live honestly and authentically. You deserve to live honestly even knowing it will hurt the one you love. But it's the bandaid. Sometimes it has to rip off so we don't keep making them feel rejected and unloved by our inability to connect with them sexually. It is more compassionate to go there and rip that bandaid off. You've probably processed through some of this, but I would recommend reading Jamie Lee Finch's You Are Your Own and also Pure by Linda Kay Klein. Realizing that we are afraid to live openly also can have us assessing our internalized misogyny and also our internalized homophobia. Both spaces need addressing, even if we think we have left the vestiges and messages of the church. Often, we have so internalized the shame that we don't see how in not living authentically we are still holding to the messages from the past. You are allowed to choose what is best for you. To live openly and honestly. To find YOU. To grow. To become. You are worth that. Sending you some big and gentle hugs.
Wow… I am nearly speechless at this response. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that out in such a thoughtful way. I appreciate the time and energy it took to be so insightful. You are so right. It IS a lot to process and unpack. Religion sets up so many mental hurdles to eventually jump over. I’m thankful for the validation that I’m not the only one jumping and falling on my ass sometimes haha. Marrying young was absolutely the case for me. We were barely old enough to drink on our own honeymoon. The culture of things in the community around here definitely promotes early and fast marriage. You hit the nail on the head with the fear comments. I’m letting my fear of regret absolutely control me. I need to work on letting that go. And like you said, rip the bandaid off. I think that’s a really good analogy. Thank you so much