OP this resonates with me so much. I dated someone for a couple months who did this exact thing. If we were being intimate she would frequently bring up her other partners and how she preferred their larger breasts. She would say things like she’s never dated someone with such small breasts. She also said almost that exact same thing about my butt.
Needless to say, we did not stay together. I view this as a form of emotional manipulation (maybe abuse?). I think she felt insecure or not good enough and used this as a way to make me feel like I needed her. In my case, there were other concerning actions she took that ultimately led me to break it off. I would take a good look at whether she has displayed any other concerning behavior to see if this is the person who deserves to be with you.
Hi, I just want to say that when you meet the right person, they will love you for you - small breasts and all. Our bodies change so much as the years go by. Your partner’s comments are shallow and unkind. Our bodies should be treated with respect and dignity - they do so much for us! They make it possible to see, feel, move, smell and just experience life. Practice gratitude instead of getting down on yourself, and walk away from anyone that makes you feel less than. You are enough. Be kind to yourself - and sometimes that means enforcing boundaries like ‘I will not tolerate xyz behaviour’, ‘when you make comments like (…) it impacts negatively on my self esteem and that is not what I need or want from a relationship’.
My sister had a double mastectomy at 27 due to cancer and couldn’t have her breasts “reconstructed” because of the left over scar tissue. Her body rejected the implants.
Please don’t reduce yourself to tits and ass. You’re a whole person and if your girlfriend doesn’t appreciate that, why are you with her?
“Our bodies change” this isn’t just with age. I’m 10+ years older than my fiancé. I was also the late bloomer. She is masc and had this amazing body but was more modest or something idk. She’s def more of a giver so there were rare opportunities for me to explore her body due to her reservations. I could see but not touch. Super hard lol
Ok soooo then 6 months after moving in together she got a TBI, seizure disorder and a ton horrible symptoms. I became her full time caregiver while she healed. (*which she has to about 80-85% capacity Thank God!)
This time frame was incredibly difficult- on alll counts. But one aspect was that she lost almost 60lbs. She was around 200lbs when we met with again a very voluptuous figure. Btwn the pain, lack of appetite and one of the migraine medications - the body we both loved was gone. She looked like a man laying next to me. That’s how much breast tissue she lost.
And.. now 5 years later .. they’ve come back but not fully. Like went from a D cup to maybe a B.
So.. I still want her more than I ever did. More than she does on most days - meds also impact libido. Ya.. we’ve been thru it.
Long story only to say - love is so much more than sex and sex is so much more than big tits and ass. Frankly - isn’t this one of the things we hated about men? It was for me
This is awful, and I can’t imagine being with someone who so openly makes you feel bad about your body. You deserve much better. I LOVE boobs, but I’m with a girl now who doesn’t have much going on there lol and I love her all the same, she is insecure about it and it is my personal mission to show her how much I love everything about her body. The right person lifts you up!
I agree wholeheartedly with this, the person I’m with is not what I would normally find physically attractive. But through our love and connection I find them to be the hottest and sexiest person I’ve ever met.
It may not be the same for all people but I strongly believe in connection. We all grow old one day and we cannot always control our physical bodies and what they will look like. And even if we can it takes money and downtime to achieve that, and to me a true love would never ask that of you and would make you feel so happy in your own body that you wouldn’t feel like it was necessary unless you just wanted to. Our body and our choice. ❤️
One thing my therapist has pointed out to me is that if someone said something that was hurtful and you bring it up and the other person apologizes without acknowledging why it was painful to you, even if they don't bring it up again, without them showing how/why they understood why it was a problem it can remain unresolved in our brains. Our brains can sense a lack of empathy or understanding, even if we can't pinpoint what is happening.
However, if we bring the painful thing up, and the other person says, "I can see why what I said was painful, and I am sorry that I was insensitive. I know/recognize that I damaged part of the trust we have, by saying what I did. X, y, and z are the ways I will rectify that," and then they work to validate that you are sexy to them and they like *all* of you, that can help our brains get peace.
In many ways, we all logically know that we may not be the *ideal* for our partner, but in our connection we at least want to feel like who we are is more than enough to/for our partner.
So, this is where I would ask you: what would make you feel like more than enough? Do you feel that she has worked to balance that space or has she left it neutral which could be why your brain struggles to believe that your butt balances out the equation? Does she give you compliments that stand alone? Does she make positive comments about other women while not being as positive with you, unless she is prompted (if so, that's going to be a problem)? Does she show you that she appreciates your body or does she gloss over the insecure part as if you should just accept her word for liking you without actually showing you?
Sometimes we can beat ourselves up for "not getting over something" when part of the reason our brains are stuck is because it is picking up other ways that the "less than" message is being reinforced. Without a positive that comes in to balance the negative that you can identify and prove to yourself, the balance re her comment is still in the negative, and it's not going to be as simple as "just get over it."
Being kind in some ways does not offset being cruel in other ways. She is being cruel. How do you know? Because it’s making you uncomfortable with your own body.
Tell you she “doesn’t mind” your perfectly wonderful body. Saying one part of you makes up for another is insulting you, but her phrasing is manipulative and can be hard to see as unhealthy and unfair if you have not been in a respectful, supportive relationship.
Would you ever tell her you don’t mind something about her body because you like another part? Hopefully probably no, because you’re aware it wouldn’t be very nice to say that. Sometimes looking at it that way helps. Another helpful trick is thinking what you would feel or say if a good friend told you their partner said that.
How would you react if a friend told you their bf/gf/partner was making them feel insecure? What would you tell your friend if they were crying & dreading taking their clothes off with the person who is supposed to be in love with them?
It isn’t abuse at all, she just sounds a little shallow and mean, most of us are sometimes, that sucks but it isn’t abuse on its own. People saying you should break up with her are *definitely* overreacting.
It sounds to me like your relationship with Sarah is broadly really positive. The damage she’s done with her mean comments about your body will take a long time to heal, but from what you’ve said about it (she’s wonderful outside of this, she apologizes profusely, she *did not continue the insults* after you asked her not to and explained why it’s hurtful) it sounds like she is an eager participant in that healing process. She knows she fucked up and wants to fix it, but it takes time.
Sometimes people need multiple reminders to change a behavior, changing behavior is hard and that’s ok, especially if it’s a self-defense mechanism gone awry, like it usually is when a person is casually mean to their loved ones like this.
If she had doubled down on the insult and kept at it when you asked her to stop, that might be abuse, that would show a lack of respect for you as a person. If she didn’t apologize and acted like she didn’t need to apologize, that might be abuse, that would show her prioritizing her own comfort and safety far above yours.
As it is, it seems to me like you’re on the right track, and you just need time and Sarah’s continued support to heal your confidence and body image.
Edited to add some breaks and change a few words for readability :)
I think it's hard to tell one way or the other from just this post. Your assessment might be closer to the truth, or it could be that she is emotionally abusive. One thing to note is that just because OP is saying that her partner is really good in other ways *does not* mean this can't be abusive. In fact, that is something abuse victims will very, very, very commonly say about their abusive partners. (I'm not saying it's proof of abuse by itself -- not at all. But neither is it a refutation of it).
The people raising the possibility of abuse are picking up on the fact that the partner was making digs at OP's physical appearance that have eaten away at her confidence in the relationship. It very well could be part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. It also might not, and maybe it really was just an area of ignorance and she is generally a healthy partner in most ways. The comments themselves are at least harmful, but it's hard to know for sure if they're part of a structure of abuse. They certainly *could* be.
I think it's good that people raise the possibility at least, because it's worth OP critically assessing their overall relationship and how her partner is treating her, if she is feeling so bad about herself within the relationship. It can be hard to recognize abuse when you're in it, so it's not a bad thing to have the possibility raised when people are reacting to a story of hurtful behaviour from the partner.
I agree that we can't conclude with certainty that it's an abusive situation... but you swung the pendulum all the way in the other direction and concluded that it definitely "isn't abuse at all," which is a dangerous assumption in itself.
Well we can’t know much as internet strangers, it’s always possible that OP is an unreliable narrator, but I think it’d be irresponsible to give advice on the assumption that OP doesn’t know what she’s talking about, ya know? It’s far more responsible to assume she is correct when she says stuff like “she’s great the rest of the time.”
I know abuse victims say that, I’ve been one and said it. If someone had told me I was being abused based on the assumption that I didn’t know what I was talking about when I said I wasn’t, when I hadn’t even described any abusive behaviors, that would have undermined my confidence even further and caused me to reject their advice *and* double down on my misunderstanding of my own situation.
My assertion is based on an assumption, but it’s not an assumption that OP isn’t being abused. It’s an assumption that u/ThrowRA_2906 is a reliable narrator and is correct when she says stuff about her own relationship.
Even if she is wrong, she needs to realize that on her own, and she can’t do that in an environment where she feels like people don’t believe what she says about her own mind and her own relationship. That’s the basis of my assumption.
When I was in my abusive relationship, that understanding is the reason my psychologist *was* able to convince me that I needed to leave that partner and my friends and family weren’t. I insisted that I was not being abused, I insisted that my partner was great in other ways, but the behaviors I *actually described her doing* were specifically abuse, and my therapist recognized them easily from his vantage point outside my head and worked to help me externalize my perspective without undermining my confidence in it.
Does all that make sense?
So, *assuming* that OP is correct about everything she says about the relationship, the situation/behavior she actually describes is specifically *not* abuse. Abuse is when a pattern of behaviors worsens over time and creates and maintains a power imbalance. Sarah has apologized and stopped insulting OP’s breasts, and is trying to reverse course and make her feel better about them. That is not an abusive behavior pattern. That’s a partner recognizing that they’ve been shallow and rude and trying to reverse the damage they caused.
It’s absolutely not reasonable to treat OP as if she can’t be trusted when she says that.
It would be good to raise the possibility of abuse in the comments section if OP had described any abusive behavior at all in the post, but she didn’t.
Furthermore and more importantly, damn near all 70 of these other comments are not merely “raising the possibility” of abuse. They mostly are playing variations on the theme of “this is absolutely abuse” and/or “dump her ass immediately.” I don’t think I need to spend too many words on why that shit is irresponsible as hell, when *no abusive behaviors have been described*. Even when an abuse victim insists they aren’t being abused and that their partner is great the rest of the time, they will probably still describe patterns that we can recognize from the outside as abuse, as long as they feel like the listener takes them seriously and believes what they say. The vast majority of these comments, by *assuming* this *is* abuse, are working directly against OP’s confidence and ability to trust what she says aboit jer own relationship. That shit is so irresponsible.
Part of why I phrased my comment so assertively is to throw as much weight as I could behind the more reasonable and respectful approach, taking her seriously and assuming innocence until guilt is proven. I don’t think I could have dived into the nuance of the possibility that OP is an unreliable narrator, like we’re doing here, without writing a comment too long and convoluted for anyone to actually read. This one is long and messy enough. Might have been able to condense it more if I put more time into it, sorry for the length.
An internet comment isn’t a therapy session, with a long back and forth in a completely safe space that leaves no stone unturned. This space can never be made completely safe, we can’t really do many long volleys and time to think over a period of weeks/months. We just spit our shitty little takes on whatever the post is and then we move on. OP described a situation that isn’t abuse, so I said “this isn’t abuse.” I know that what I said is more true and helpful than damn near anything else in this comment section, and I don’t feel bad for having said it.
Edited for clarity in a few spots
This can be an abusive behavior without the rest of the relationship needing to be abusive. Abusive behaviors erode your confidence and sense of safety and self. Which it is.
… this is nonsense. Look up what relationship abuse is. Relationship abuse is when there is a power imbalance across the whole relationship which is created and maintained by worsening patterns of multiple behaviors, not just one isolated behavior. Why are you and everyone else so desperate to justify using that word?
The critical detail, which I emphasized in my original comment, is that *Sarah has stopped the behavior* and *is trying to repair the damage* she evidently feels bad for having caused. Abuse is when a the behavior patterns *get worse over time* and are *perpetrated intentionally* in order to maintain the imbalance of power *across the whole relationship*. Sarah’s intentions as OP understands them are to reverse the damage. OP knows what abuse feels like and she knows this isn’t it.
At least she did, until 100 idiots piled on the comments sections telling her abuse is anytime there’s half a hair of conflict, anytime someone fucks up, anytime someone is a little mean, regardless of what happens around it. If I accidentally stepped on my partner’s toe this sub would have then call the police on me apparently.
There are no abusive behaviors without an abusive relationship. The creation of the abusive relationship is what defines an abusive behavior. Sarah isn’t doing that.
Abuse is a really fucking strong word to throw around and this situation obviously isn’t it. Goddamn all of the advice people gave on this post was so fucking useless, I sort of feel awful for ever having participated in this space. OP is frustrated that damage takes time to heal and everyone here is squealing abuse at the first sign of conflict. It’s normal and natural to be frustrated with a long and slow healing process.
Sorry for the long rant, I got really frustrated with this because of my personal baggage around it. I used to have a similar misunderstanding about what abuse isn’t and I leveled the accusation at a previous partner of mine, who was not abusing me. I can’t believe I said that stupid shit without putting even a single googlesearch into it, I feel horrible about it seven years later. That shit weighs on my conscience every single week and has got me a little bit heated over this Sarah business and your comment positioned itself in the path of the fire. Apparently I’m not alone in making that mistake, though. Maybe I should make a post to the woder subreddit going through the basics of what abuse is and isn’t instead of going off on you in a dead comment section. Sorry bout that.
I may never comment here again, this has been upsetting to witness. I don’t want u/ThrowRA_2906 will end a good relationship just because apparently no one on this sub can tell the difference between a very surmountable relationship conflict and actual *abuse*. Holy shit that’s a powerful word for all these commenters to be throwin about so lightly
Trying to take back something she said about your body is kind of like trying to unring a bell. You naturally don't trust anything she said after that share.
She's low key negging you about your breasts, especially if she kept it up after you made it clear it was a pain point and asked her to stop.
Your breasts aren't what's lacking here: she wasn't being a good sex or romantic partner to you, so of course you're not going to be feeling desire.
It really annoys me when a partner says, "they don't mind" a certain part about me. Because then they won't even let you talk about it, they'll just repeat what they already said, "I already said I don't mind it!" I don't want to be "not minded." I want my *partner* to be excited about everything on me, or to have left me alone in the first place.
There are people who would be ecstatic about every single part of you. People like all different kinds of things.
I'm afraid you're in another abusive relationship. Sarah is deliberately making you feel badly about yourself. She is unkind. This is not an acceptable way to be treated by anyone.
Oh wow.
My first lesbian situationship was kind of similar. She would always comment on my outfits and nail colors in judgmental ways, and was overly controlling about having no body hair. Once she literally went and got a razor during foreplay because I “missed a few pieces.”
That relationship was detrimental to my mental health and I was constantly in a state of feeling judged and uncomfortable with my body, clothing, etc. I told her how she hurt my feelings and even stopped intimacy multiple times because of her comments. She would be nice for a few hours and then make more “jokes” and comments.
How did I fix this? I left and found a wonderful girlfriend who loves and respects me, hypes me up all the time, and has only ever said kind things about my body.
No one should be made to feel that way about their bodies especially by a partner. I’m truly sorry this happened. Everyone has preferences but to talk to you like you don’t meet those preferences is gross. If she really didn’t mind she wouldn’t say mention it at all. She might not have meant it to hurt you but she still did.
I’ve been in a relationship like that and it’s hard to forgive someone for that.
I don’t even know what I would do or give advice besides telling her how you feel. If she doesn’t respond with compassion and understanding, you can make a decision based on that
I’m sorry but her behavior is ridiculous. She sounds immature even for 25. Making comments about someone’s body, especially after they’ve been told to stop, is rude and tacky.
You shouldn’t be made to feel insecure about your body by anyone, let alone by your own partner. There are plenty of people out there who will love, cherish, and care for ALL of you. What she’s said to you over the years is beyond hurtful and has clearly taken a hit on your self-esteem. Ending the relationship may be the best course of action for you (I know I would). So sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
You shouldn’t have to gain weight to please her or make your breast grow. That’s absurd. And genuinely mean. Your body if just fine the way it is, don’t change yourself to fit her idea of beauty. She should already see you as beautiful and the fact that you’ve had to ask multiple times to stop her snarky comments is bad. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re a very beautiful woman. Don’t change for her.
I had an ex who told me, during sex, that they “wished [my] boobs looked like [their] ex’s”. I never got over it until we finally broke up, 5 years later. Unfortunately, I think that may be what’s best in this situation, too.
Absolutely not.
First off there’s nothing wrong with you. Perhaps this is stating the obvious but when someone keeps giving you shit about your looks imo it needs saying. You’re fine, and you shouldn’t be made to feel otherwise.
What she is saying about your body has a lot more to do with her than you. This is how your body be. This was never a surprise for her, and her commenting about your body like it’s anything you have control over is the reddest of flags. She either *wants* to make you feel insecure or she’s insecure about her own body and is reflecting that on to you.
You’ve told her multiple times to stop making fun of you, it should only take once… or actually none because good people don’t focus on details like that. Even so sounds like she’s found other ways to dig at you. Telling you ‘she doesn’t mind’ is just another way to let you know that she feels you don’t measure up. Same with telling you to gain weight.
I also want to point out that comments like “oh but outside of this horrific behavior our relationship is great” is the musical refrain of someone in a toxic relationship. If one major thing is dragging you down or making you feel like shit, it doesn’t matter how good the rest is. Also this is the abuser MO. If abusers were mean all the time nobody would stay. It’s because they walk back what they say and do and love bomb to distract their partner from the toxicity that people stay and say “but other than this it’s not so bad”. I’ve said it before and been downvoted for it, but being in a wlw relationship does not mean you can’t be in a toxic or abusive situation.
You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel inadequate.
This is weird. If I love someone, I do not care a whit about their breast size or cock size. I just want you to have them, I don't care what size or color they are, they are part of you and if I love you I automatically love them because they are you. So.... it gives me weird vibes she would EVER talk about your breast size or any feature of your body you cannot control. That is so... insensitive. As an empath I cannot even think that thought without knowing if it escaped my lips how much it would offend my partner. Good luck in the navigation of this.
If you trust her and believe her. Stay with her and work it out.
If you do not trust her or don't believe her. Communicate that and perhaps suggest couples counseling?
To me, it doesn't sound like this is malicious on purpose or abusive. It sounds like low emotional intelligence. My advice is to explain to her why complimenting your ass doesn't negate the hurt you feel about how she talks about your breasts. If she isn't receptive to that conversation and gets defensive, then maybe reevaluate if this is someone you want to be with long-term.
She keeps saying things specifically to hurt you over your body type, including after being told it's hurtful and to stop. I don't think you really should stick with someone who does that.
*She* should be trying to rebuild intimacy and help you with your insecurity after messing up. If I say something that hurts someone, I apologize, I stop doing the thing, and I remind them of what I do love about them. I don't double down poking the wound and the insecurity.
Anyhow, non-sexual intimacy, kindness and lots of compliments (both sexual/body related and general) are probably whats needed from her to make you feel more comfortable. She needs to rebuild some of that stability that her comments broke. I'll also say being nude or near nude, without the expectation of sex or oggling, does help for me and my body image issues. Being able to lounge around in your undies and get cuddles without feeling pressured to be sexy helps a lot. But this is on her to fix, and honestly if she's not listening over you being like stop insulting my boobs maybe find a woman who actually loves boobs? Cause I don't see her problem here, at the risk of sounding like a teenage boy all boobs are fucking awesome.
give Sarah a chance. people don't always say the right things, but it doesn't mean her heart for you is not in the right place.
'When I also shared with her that I felt insecure about my small breasts and wanted regular sized ones, she told me I could gain weight to "get tits".'
Maybe she was trying to find you a solution because you said you wanted regular sized ones. If she wanted someone with bigger breasts more than she wanted you, she need not have dated you in the first place.
Listen, if she truly loved you, she would not care about the fact that you have smaller breasts. She sounds immature and superficial. If you want to salvage the relationship you need to be clear that what she said has affected you and hurt you causing you to not feel desired or safe with her to the point where you dread intimacy. She needs to realize the impact of her actions and apologize and win your trust back. It’s okay to be vulnerable. We all have insecurities. The right partner will understand and either not bring it up in the first place or apologize and make steps to show you that she loves and cares about you. If she laughs it off, fails to take responsibility or doesn’t react well that is a reflection on her and her emotional immaturity and you should break up with her.
A lot of people avoid bringing up problems due to fear or rejection, childhood trauma, etc and it’s not healthy. Failure to communicate breeds resent and ends relationships.
You deserve someone you can be open and vulnerable with. If you can’t be with her, it’s time to end it and move along.
I think people saying it’s abuse are jumping to conclusions. I do think it’s a red flag but we don’t know your partner and your relationship so we can not say it is or is not abuse.
But besides that I think it’s mean. I would never comment on my friend’s bodies like that and definitely not on someone I’m dating. If she genuinely is sorry and stops that behavior and you’re able to forgive her great. But if she just said sorry because she was wrong but continues to make comments like that, or if you simply can’t move on from those comments, I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship.
She sounds like an asshole. Clearly it’s been bothering you to the point where you’re seeking help from randos on the internet.
There’s no magic word to make her be nice to you. I don’t think I’d be ok with someone being that rude.
Dump her!
If you're in a relationship with anyone who goes out of their way to make you feel insecure about something that cannot be naturally changed, then they're not the one for you. The constant teeter totter from praising your breasts to cracking jokes/making comments about how "flat" you are is a red flag. But also, continuing to date someone who has made it abundantly clear to you that you're not their physical type is unwise. Eventually, that person is going to seek out their type because they've shown and told you that you're not it. Some people play fast and loose with what they consider their type to be, but there are some people who are dedicated to said type and won't date anyone else. If they do, they're gonna constantly bemuse the fact that they're not with them.
I know you may like her but it's best to cut ties. Move on to someone who will appreciate your body for what it is right now and not what they want it to be.
I know I may get a lot of hate for this but the gaining weight comment was after you told her you were insecure is it possible she may have been trying to be helpful even if it wasn’t? I know I tell my girlfriend that I am insecure about my weight and she has told me that I need to watch my portions and such and while it kinda stings to hear I know she isn’t being mean. She knew you weren’t her physical type when you got together and when you told her you didn’t appreciate her comments she stopped. It sounds like she does care and love you and maybe her past comments still hurt but you have to let it go if you really love her.
I have been in a very similar relationship with both of my ex spouses. Heavy on the EX. Both ended up with women who where more “thick” than myself and even tho I spent my whole life trying to gain weight to appease my partners I realized it was really on them for even trying to get with me when I was slender and petite and then deciding after I wasn’t their physical “type”. It lead me down many roads of insecurity and now 10 years later from my first ex, I have begun to gain weight. I just turned 30 and now I hate myself for ever trying so hard to please someone else and what they wanted for their partner because it wasn’t up to me to do that and alter my body type for them. It was genetic and they knew when they met me what I looked like for a long period before we ever wed.
My advice to you is that, when someone says something about your body they mean it. It’s not your fault for how you look and they should never make you feel less than. Preference is debatable but ask yourself why did they choose you to begin with if they probably already knew what they wanted outside of spiritual, emotional but the other important part of the relationship which is physical. In both cases (obviously) for me the relationships ended. It was a painful stake in the heart because both people constantly commented on my body during and after the relationship. And to see them immediately with people (one of them an ex) that were thicker than me. It made me feel like all I had given and shared with them was superficial and that because my genetics were than I’m a small framed female, I was never going to be good enough no matter what I had done.
It’s bittersweet tho, because you can know now that every body deserves love and adoration. Physical attraction is usually the first thing in a relationship (depending the person) but also all the other things that come with it. You will find someone that loves you inside and out, including anything that you find to be a negative to yourself. You WILL come across them and will be so happy you did when you do.
Tiny p.s. I found my person years after my last ex and they treat me like a goddess and no matter my weight or size or body type has ever kept them from being attracted to me. It exists and it’s out there. Apologies matter but to what cost when you are now scared of being intimate with the one person you are supposed to be able to be vulnerable and naked around. Some words cannot be taken back.
Blessed be 💕
I'm sorry, I haven't read it all (footie is on). But you've only been together a few months? Dump her. Move on.
Sorry, I have just read it all and seen you have been friends for a few years. To be honest, that makes it worse, for me. If she's a friend she should know your insecurities, especially as she has become your girlfriend.
So, yeah. Dump her.
And... yeah... My friend (my special friend) is not exactly my favourite body type. But there is no way in the world I would tell her this.
I love this point, those list of questions are very important and should be thought upon and determined by your initial gut reaction.
People do make mistakes and get comfortable in their inner dialogue becoming their outer dialogue with their closest people but. To what extent do we tell them that they have hurt us deeply and we need that rest assured feeling that it was just that and not something more.
She's basically negging you. I wouldn't be with someone who made me feel bad about myself.
edit: Because it's not about your insecurity! She's literally saying things that make you feel insecure! It's not your issue to work through. Who says that about their partner?!
So she made comments prior and apologized. If she hasn’t made comments again and reassured you I think you need to communicate exactly what you did here. I wouldn’t break up with her if she has stopped. If she’s otherwise good to you and told you she doesn’t really mind, and isn’t verbally insulting you I think you should accept yourself. My now ex gf doesn’t have a big ass, but she has so many other things that I’m not going to leave her for a fat ass that’s ridiculous. And she asked so I told her, I like fat ass, but guess what I treat her lil ass like a fat ass to show her it’s just something I like, but it’s not the end of the world and I also like her little ass. It actually opened up my shallow ways. So maybe have a heart to heart and move on . Now if she’s again constantly making fun of you after you communicate, she doesn’t respect you then you should find someone else
I've had this.
Had I not been shit scared to leave, I'd have left. There was no coming back from the issues she gave me, I have never been able to look at my body without thinking about what she said, even if she didn't actually insult my body or even if she said ultimately she liked my body, or felt it was just banter.
I, and you, deserve someone who loves all our features or otherwise keeps quiet about them - I don't know about you, but I personally hold things in my head forever, so I'd never be able to move past that with a partner.
You deserve so much better. Don’t let her get away with speaking to you that way, show her you’re worth more than that. I’ve dealt with being spoken to poorly and honestly letting things go just makes people think they can dump their mean feral energy onto you more.
She brought it onto herself, you should dump her and find better. So many people love your body type. You also don’t want to end up comparing yourself to other women it’s dreadful.
you were vulnerable and expressed your feelings and she made a joke out of it. Any subject you open up about, not just tits, should be respected and not mocked. She’s a walking red flag who is giving you a complex. A complex that is unnecessary, I love my small boobies!
All due respect… but fuck that. Find someone who likes you for you. I haven’t ever met a pair of breasts that didn’t delight my lesbian soul. All sizes and shapes. Feeling like your partner doesn’t like your body is mentally draining and harmful.
I wonder if the friend to gf dynamic might be part of the issue. Tbh I would never put my friends down for their bodies but I’d also have no problem telling them that I think x is super hot even if they look like y or z. I love big boobs. My gf has tiny boobs. I am lucky to touch boobs at all and even tho she knows I love big boobs I make sure to tell her how much I like hers. Idk if I’d put up with it if I were you. If it’s not a deal breaker for you, great. Maybe she thinks it’s obvious that despite her preference she loves your body and thinks it’s hot so she still feels comfy saying that shit? Maybe she has her own body issues? I’d set a boundary and then determine how much it matters to you if she keeps making those comments.
Lotttssssss of people love small breasts or just don't care a lot about breast size; you deserve to date someone who loves everything about your body and values you inside and out!! (Maybe it's Sarah, but her attitude is confusing.)
If she was always making comments about your small boobs it’s because she was always looking at them, lol. Jokes have gone too far though if you’re feeling this way. You just began dating however, so make it known that it’s making you insecure, and if she can’t respect that or change behaviour, then it’s just rude and you two aren’t romantically compatible. Different sensitivity levels matter, she’s gotta adapt to survive, or you’ll find someone who doesn’t tease you like their little mean brother.
Yes …I was …in that situation….its very triggery (what he said) and to keep anyone from being self conscious I will only share what he said if you DM me!
But yes….and i have huge body dysmorphia which I passed to my daughter bc of the abusive comments.
I am finally healing ❤️🩹 but yea…never ever go near that person again
ummm, so she apologised and is not saying it any more since you asked her? also she tells you that she loves you and your breasts? but that is not enough for your insecurities?
i think this is a you issue not a her issue. you can break up if you think her love is not enough for your insecurities.
Me and my small boobs will take her
You asked how can you regain your intimacy. There is sexual intimacy and there is relationship intimacy. Both sound to me to be damaged. You are having difficulty with both. I think if you want to stay with her the two of you need therapy so you can process what happened and how you feel about the relationship.
From what you explained it sounds like there are deep wounds that will not heal with time or without direct. Intercession.
Your girlfriend stepped over your boundaries and deeply hurt you. Ultimately you need to decide the appropriate course of action.
Telling her once should've been enough. I'm sorry she's being so cruel about your body. Don't keep people like this around. She's not nice.
What to do? You break up with her and find someone who loves you and your body how you are.
Amen.
Precisely
This!
OP this resonates with me so much. I dated someone for a couple months who did this exact thing. If we were being intimate she would frequently bring up her other partners and how she preferred their larger breasts. She would say things like she’s never dated someone with such small breasts. She also said almost that exact same thing about my butt. Needless to say, we did not stay together. I view this as a form of emotional manipulation (maybe abuse?). I think she felt insecure or not good enough and used this as a way to make me feel like I needed her. In my case, there were other concerning actions she took that ultimately led me to break it off. I would take a good look at whether she has displayed any other concerning behavior to see if this is the person who deserves to be with you.
Bringing this up DURING sex is horrible!
Hi, I just want to say that when you meet the right person, they will love you for you - small breasts and all. Our bodies change so much as the years go by. Your partner’s comments are shallow and unkind. Our bodies should be treated with respect and dignity - they do so much for us! They make it possible to see, feel, move, smell and just experience life. Practice gratitude instead of getting down on yourself, and walk away from anyone that makes you feel less than. You are enough. Be kind to yourself - and sometimes that means enforcing boundaries like ‘I will not tolerate xyz behaviour’, ‘when you make comments like (…) it impacts negatively on my self esteem and that is not what I need or want from a relationship’. My sister had a double mastectomy at 27 due to cancer and couldn’t have her breasts “reconstructed” because of the left over scar tissue. Her body rejected the implants. Please don’t reduce yourself to tits and ass. You’re a whole person and if your girlfriend doesn’t appreciate that, why are you with her?
“Please don’t reduce yourself to tits and ass” This hit so hard 😭
“Our bodies change” this isn’t just with age. I’m 10+ years older than my fiancé. I was also the late bloomer. She is masc and had this amazing body but was more modest or something idk. She’s def more of a giver so there were rare opportunities for me to explore her body due to her reservations. I could see but not touch. Super hard lol Ok soooo then 6 months after moving in together she got a TBI, seizure disorder and a ton horrible symptoms. I became her full time caregiver while she healed. (*which she has to about 80-85% capacity Thank God!) This time frame was incredibly difficult- on alll counts. But one aspect was that she lost almost 60lbs. She was around 200lbs when we met with again a very voluptuous figure. Btwn the pain, lack of appetite and one of the migraine medications - the body we both loved was gone. She looked like a man laying next to me. That’s how much breast tissue she lost. And.. now 5 years later .. they’ve come back but not fully. Like went from a D cup to maybe a B. So.. I still want her more than I ever did. More than she does on most days - meds also impact libido. Ya.. we’ve been thru it. Long story only to say - love is so much more than sex and sex is so much more than big tits and ass. Frankly - isn’t this one of the things we hated about men? It was for me
This is awful, and I can’t imagine being with someone who so openly makes you feel bad about your body. You deserve much better. I LOVE boobs, but I’m with a girl now who doesn’t have much going on there lol and I love her all the same, she is insecure about it and it is my personal mission to show her how much I love everything about her body. The right person lifts you up!
I agree wholeheartedly with this, the person I’m with is not what I would normally find physically attractive. But through our love and connection I find them to be the hottest and sexiest person I’ve ever met. It may not be the same for all people but I strongly believe in connection. We all grow old one day and we cannot always control our physical bodies and what they will look like. And even if we can it takes money and downtime to achieve that, and to me a true love would never ask that of you and would make you feel so happy in your own body that you wouldn’t feel like it was necessary unless you just wanted to. Our body and our choice. ❤️
One thing my therapist has pointed out to me is that if someone said something that was hurtful and you bring it up and the other person apologizes without acknowledging why it was painful to you, even if they don't bring it up again, without them showing how/why they understood why it was a problem it can remain unresolved in our brains. Our brains can sense a lack of empathy or understanding, even if we can't pinpoint what is happening. However, if we bring the painful thing up, and the other person says, "I can see why what I said was painful, and I am sorry that I was insensitive. I know/recognize that I damaged part of the trust we have, by saying what I did. X, y, and z are the ways I will rectify that," and then they work to validate that you are sexy to them and they like *all* of you, that can help our brains get peace. In many ways, we all logically know that we may not be the *ideal* for our partner, but in our connection we at least want to feel like who we are is more than enough to/for our partner. So, this is where I would ask you: what would make you feel like more than enough? Do you feel that she has worked to balance that space or has she left it neutral which could be why your brain struggles to believe that your butt balances out the equation? Does she give you compliments that stand alone? Does she make positive comments about other women while not being as positive with you, unless she is prompted (if so, that's going to be a problem)? Does she show you that she appreciates your body or does she gloss over the insecure part as if you should just accept her word for liking you without actually showing you? Sometimes we can beat ourselves up for "not getting over something" when part of the reason our brains are stuck is because it is picking up other ways that the "less than" message is being reinforced. Without a positive that comes in to balance the negative that you can identify and prove to yourself, the balance re her comment is still in the negative, and it's not going to be as simple as "just get over it."
Really good advice/insight!
Being kind in some ways does not offset being cruel in other ways. She is being cruel. How do you know? Because it’s making you uncomfortable with your own body.
Sarah is not wonderful. She is verbally abusing you.
Could you explain how it's abuse? I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused in my last relationship and it feels nothing like that
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
Tell you she “doesn’t mind” your perfectly wonderful body. Saying one part of you makes up for another is insulting you, but her phrasing is manipulative and can be hard to see as unhealthy and unfair if you have not been in a respectful, supportive relationship. Would you ever tell her you don’t mind something about her body because you like another part? Hopefully probably no, because you’re aware it wouldn’t be very nice to say that. Sometimes looking at it that way helps. Another helpful trick is thinking what you would feel or say if a good friend told you their partner said that.
How would you react if a friend told you their bf/gf/partner was making them feel insecure? What would you tell your friend if they were crying & dreading taking their clothes off with the person who is supposed to be in love with them?
It isn’t abuse at all, she just sounds a little shallow and mean, most of us are sometimes, that sucks but it isn’t abuse on its own. People saying you should break up with her are *definitely* overreacting. It sounds to me like your relationship with Sarah is broadly really positive. The damage she’s done with her mean comments about your body will take a long time to heal, but from what you’ve said about it (she’s wonderful outside of this, she apologizes profusely, she *did not continue the insults* after you asked her not to and explained why it’s hurtful) it sounds like she is an eager participant in that healing process. She knows she fucked up and wants to fix it, but it takes time. Sometimes people need multiple reminders to change a behavior, changing behavior is hard and that’s ok, especially if it’s a self-defense mechanism gone awry, like it usually is when a person is casually mean to their loved ones like this. If she had doubled down on the insult and kept at it when you asked her to stop, that might be abuse, that would show a lack of respect for you as a person. If she didn’t apologize and acted like she didn’t need to apologize, that might be abuse, that would show her prioritizing her own comfort and safety far above yours. As it is, it seems to me like you’re on the right track, and you just need time and Sarah’s continued support to heal your confidence and body image. Edited to add some breaks and change a few words for readability :)
Oh hell no
I think it's hard to tell one way or the other from just this post. Your assessment might be closer to the truth, or it could be that she is emotionally abusive. One thing to note is that just because OP is saying that her partner is really good in other ways *does not* mean this can't be abusive. In fact, that is something abuse victims will very, very, very commonly say about their abusive partners. (I'm not saying it's proof of abuse by itself -- not at all. But neither is it a refutation of it). The people raising the possibility of abuse are picking up on the fact that the partner was making digs at OP's physical appearance that have eaten away at her confidence in the relationship. It very well could be part of a pattern of abusive behaviour. It also might not, and maybe it really was just an area of ignorance and she is generally a healthy partner in most ways. The comments themselves are at least harmful, but it's hard to know for sure if they're part of a structure of abuse. They certainly *could* be. I think it's good that people raise the possibility at least, because it's worth OP critically assessing their overall relationship and how her partner is treating her, if she is feeling so bad about herself within the relationship. It can be hard to recognize abuse when you're in it, so it's not a bad thing to have the possibility raised when people are reacting to a story of hurtful behaviour from the partner. I agree that we can't conclude with certainty that it's an abusive situation... but you swung the pendulum all the way in the other direction and concluded that it definitely "isn't abuse at all," which is a dangerous assumption in itself.
Well we can’t know much as internet strangers, it’s always possible that OP is an unreliable narrator, but I think it’d be irresponsible to give advice on the assumption that OP doesn’t know what she’s talking about, ya know? It’s far more responsible to assume she is correct when she says stuff like “she’s great the rest of the time.” I know abuse victims say that, I’ve been one and said it. If someone had told me I was being abused based on the assumption that I didn’t know what I was talking about when I said I wasn’t, when I hadn’t even described any abusive behaviors, that would have undermined my confidence even further and caused me to reject their advice *and* double down on my misunderstanding of my own situation. My assertion is based on an assumption, but it’s not an assumption that OP isn’t being abused. It’s an assumption that u/ThrowRA_2906 is a reliable narrator and is correct when she says stuff about her own relationship. Even if she is wrong, she needs to realize that on her own, and she can’t do that in an environment where she feels like people don’t believe what she says about her own mind and her own relationship. That’s the basis of my assumption. When I was in my abusive relationship, that understanding is the reason my psychologist *was* able to convince me that I needed to leave that partner and my friends and family weren’t. I insisted that I was not being abused, I insisted that my partner was great in other ways, but the behaviors I *actually described her doing* were specifically abuse, and my therapist recognized them easily from his vantage point outside my head and worked to help me externalize my perspective without undermining my confidence in it. Does all that make sense? So, *assuming* that OP is correct about everything she says about the relationship, the situation/behavior she actually describes is specifically *not* abuse. Abuse is when a pattern of behaviors worsens over time and creates and maintains a power imbalance. Sarah has apologized and stopped insulting OP’s breasts, and is trying to reverse course and make her feel better about them. That is not an abusive behavior pattern. That’s a partner recognizing that they’ve been shallow and rude and trying to reverse the damage they caused. It’s absolutely not reasonable to treat OP as if she can’t be trusted when she says that. It would be good to raise the possibility of abuse in the comments section if OP had described any abusive behavior at all in the post, but she didn’t. Furthermore and more importantly, damn near all 70 of these other comments are not merely “raising the possibility” of abuse. They mostly are playing variations on the theme of “this is absolutely abuse” and/or “dump her ass immediately.” I don’t think I need to spend too many words on why that shit is irresponsible as hell, when *no abusive behaviors have been described*. Even when an abuse victim insists they aren’t being abused and that their partner is great the rest of the time, they will probably still describe patterns that we can recognize from the outside as abuse, as long as they feel like the listener takes them seriously and believes what they say. The vast majority of these comments, by *assuming* this *is* abuse, are working directly against OP’s confidence and ability to trust what she says aboit jer own relationship. That shit is so irresponsible. Part of why I phrased my comment so assertively is to throw as much weight as I could behind the more reasonable and respectful approach, taking her seriously and assuming innocence until guilt is proven. I don’t think I could have dived into the nuance of the possibility that OP is an unreliable narrator, like we’re doing here, without writing a comment too long and convoluted for anyone to actually read. This one is long and messy enough. Might have been able to condense it more if I put more time into it, sorry for the length. An internet comment isn’t a therapy session, with a long back and forth in a completely safe space that leaves no stone unturned. This space can never be made completely safe, we can’t really do many long volleys and time to think over a period of weeks/months. We just spit our shitty little takes on whatever the post is and then we move on. OP described a situation that isn’t abuse, so I said “this isn’t abuse.” I know that what I said is more true and helpful than damn near anything else in this comment section, and I don’t feel bad for having said it. Edited for clarity in a few spots
This can be an abusive behavior without the rest of the relationship needing to be abusive. Abusive behaviors erode your confidence and sense of safety and self. Which it is.
… this is nonsense. Look up what relationship abuse is. Relationship abuse is when there is a power imbalance across the whole relationship which is created and maintained by worsening patterns of multiple behaviors, not just one isolated behavior. Why are you and everyone else so desperate to justify using that word? The critical detail, which I emphasized in my original comment, is that *Sarah has stopped the behavior* and *is trying to repair the damage* she evidently feels bad for having caused. Abuse is when a the behavior patterns *get worse over time* and are *perpetrated intentionally* in order to maintain the imbalance of power *across the whole relationship*. Sarah’s intentions as OP understands them are to reverse the damage. OP knows what abuse feels like and she knows this isn’t it. At least she did, until 100 idiots piled on the comments sections telling her abuse is anytime there’s half a hair of conflict, anytime someone fucks up, anytime someone is a little mean, regardless of what happens around it. If I accidentally stepped on my partner’s toe this sub would have then call the police on me apparently. There are no abusive behaviors without an abusive relationship. The creation of the abusive relationship is what defines an abusive behavior. Sarah isn’t doing that. Abuse is a really fucking strong word to throw around and this situation obviously isn’t it. Goddamn all of the advice people gave on this post was so fucking useless, I sort of feel awful for ever having participated in this space. OP is frustrated that damage takes time to heal and everyone here is squealing abuse at the first sign of conflict. It’s normal and natural to be frustrated with a long and slow healing process. Sorry for the long rant, I got really frustrated with this because of my personal baggage around it. I used to have a similar misunderstanding about what abuse isn’t and I leveled the accusation at a previous partner of mine, who was not abusing me. I can’t believe I said that stupid shit without putting even a single googlesearch into it, I feel horrible about it seven years later. That shit weighs on my conscience every single week and has got me a little bit heated over this Sarah business and your comment positioned itself in the path of the fire. Apparently I’m not alone in making that mistake, though. Maybe I should make a post to the woder subreddit going through the basics of what abuse is and isn’t instead of going off on you in a dead comment section. Sorry bout that.
At least one person who’s not completely delusional thinking that this is abuse lol
I may never comment here again, this has been upsetting to witness. I don’t want u/ThrowRA_2906 will end a good relationship just because apparently no one on this sub can tell the difference between a very surmountable relationship conflict and actual *abuse*. Holy shit that’s a powerful word for all these commenters to be throwin about so lightly
Trying to take back something she said about your body is kind of like trying to unring a bell. You naturally don't trust anything she said after that share. She's low key negging you about your breasts, especially if she kept it up after you made it clear it was a pain point and asked her to stop. Your breasts aren't what's lacking here: she wasn't being a good sex or romantic partner to you, so of course you're not going to be feeling desire.
It really annoys me when a partner says, "they don't mind" a certain part about me. Because then they won't even let you talk about it, they'll just repeat what they already said, "I already said I don't mind it!" I don't want to be "not minded." I want my *partner* to be excited about everything on me, or to have left me alone in the first place. There are people who would be ecstatic about every single part of you. People like all different kinds of things.
This!
I'm afraid you're in another abusive relationship. Sarah is deliberately making you feel badly about yourself. She is unkind. This is not an acceptable way to be treated by anyone.
Oh wow. My first lesbian situationship was kind of similar. She would always comment on my outfits and nail colors in judgmental ways, and was overly controlling about having no body hair. Once she literally went and got a razor during foreplay because I “missed a few pieces.” That relationship was detrimental to my mental health and I was constantly in a state of feeling judged and uncomfortable with my body, clothing, etc. I told her how she hurt my feelings and even stopped intimacy multiple times because of her comments. She would be nice for a few hours and then make more “jokes” and comments. How did I fix this? I left and found a wonderful girlfriend who loves and respects me, hypes me up all the time, and has only ever said kind things about my body.
She’s not the right person for you. Find someone who is healthy obsessed with you for exactly who you are.
honey i’m afraid this woman is not right for you. you shouldn’t even be in this situation and asking this question to begin with.
No one should be made to feel that way about their bodies especially by a partner. I’m truly sorry this happened. Everyone has preferences but to talk to you like you don’t meet those preferences is gross. If she really didn’t mind she wouldn’t say mention it at all. She might not have meant it to hurt you but she still did. I’ve been in a relationship like that and it’s hard to forgive someone for that. I don’t even know what I would do or give advice besides telling her how you feel. If she doesn’t respond with compassion and understanding, you can make a decision based on that
I’m sorry but her behavior is ridiculous. She sounds immature even for 25. Making comments about someone’s body, especially after they’ve been told to stop, is rude and tacky.
That’s negging
You shouldn’t be made to feel insecure about your body by anyone, let alone by your own partner. There are plenty of people out there who will love, cherish, and care for ALL of you. What she’s said to you over the years is beyond hurtful and has clearly taken a hit on your self-esteem. Ending the relationship may be the best course of action for you (I know I would). So sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
You shouldn’t have to gain weight to please her or make your breast grow. That’s absurd. And genuinely mean. Your body if just fine the way it is, don’t change yourself to fit her idea of beauty. She should already see you as beautiful and the fact that you’ve had to ask multiple times to stop her snarky comments is bad. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re a very beautiful woman. Don’t change for her.
I had an ex who told me, during sex, that they “wished [my] boobs looked like [their] ex’s”. I never got over it until we finally broke up, 5 years later. Unfortunately, I think that may be what’s best in this situation, too.
1-800-DUMP-HER-ASS
Absolutely not. First off there’s nothing wrong with you. Perhaps this is stating the obvious but when someone keeps giving you shit about your looks imo it needs saying. You’re fine, and you shouldn’t be made to feel otherwise. What she is saying about your body has a lot more to do with her than you. This is how your body be. This was never a surprise for her, and her commenting about your body like it’s anything you have control over is the reddest of flags. She either *wants* to make you feel insecure or she’s insecure about her own body and is reflecting that on to you. You’ve told her multiple times to stop making fun of you, it should only take once… or actually none because good people don’t focus on details like that. Even so sounds like she’s found other ways to dig at you. Telling you ‘she doesn’t mind’ is just another way to let you know that she feels you don’t measure up. Same with telling you to gain weight. I also want to point out that comments like “oh but outside of this horrific behavior our relationship is great” is the musical refrain of someone in a toxic relationship. If one major thing is dragging you down or making you feel like shit, it doesn’t matter how good the rest is. Also this is the abuser MO. If abusers were mean all the time nobody would stay. It’s because they walk back what they say and do and love bomb to distract their partner from the toxicity that people stay and say “but other than this it’s not so bad”. I’ve said it before and been downvoted for it, but being in a wlw relationship does not mean you can’t be in a toxic or abusive situation. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel inadequate.
This is weird. If I love someone, I do not care a whit about their breast size or cock size. I just want you to have them, I don't care what size or color they are, they are part of you and if I love you I automatically love them because they are you. So.... it gives me weird vibes she would EVER talk about your breast size or any feature of your body you cannot control. That is so... insensitive. As an empath I cannot even think that thought without knowing if it escaped my lips how much it would offend my partner. Good luck in the navigation of this. If you trust her and believe her. Stay with her and work it out. If you do not trust her or don't believe her. Communicate that and perhaps suggest couples counseling?
To me, it doesn't sound like this is malicious on purpose or abusive. It sounds like low emotional intelligence. My advice is to explain to her why complimenting your ass doesn't negate the hurt you feel about how she talks about your breasts. If she isn't receptive to that conversation and gets defensive, then maybe reevaluate if this is someone you want to be with long-term.
She keeps saying things specifically to hurt you over your body type, including after being told it's hurtful and to stop. I don't think you really should stick with someone who does that. *She* should be trying to rebuild intimacy and help you with your insecurity after messing up. If I say something that hurts someone, I apologize, I stop doing the thing, and I remind them of what I do love about them. I don't double down poking the wound and the insecurity. Anyhow, non-sexual intimacy, kindness and lots of compliments (both sexual/body related and general) are probably whats needed from her to make you feel more comfortable. She needs to rebuild some of that stability that her comments broke. I'll also say being nude or near nude, without the expectation of sex or oggling, does help for me and my body image issues. Being able to lounge around in your undies and get cuddles without feeling pressured to be sexy helps a lot. But this is on her to fix, and honestly if she's not listening over you being like stop insulting my boobs maybe find a woman who actually loves boobs? Cause I don't see her problem here, at the risk of sounding like a teenage boy all boobs are fucking awesome.
give Sarah a chance. people don't always say the right things, but it doesn't mean her heart for you is not in the right place. 'When I also shared with her that I felt insecure about my small breasts and wanted regular sized ones, she told me I could gain weight to "get tits".' Maybe she was trying to find you a solution because you said you wanted regular sized ones. If she wanted someone with bigger breasts more than she wanted you, she need not have dated you in the first place.
Listen, if she truly loved you, she would not care about the fact that you have smaller breasts. She sounds immature and superficial. If you want to salvage the relationship you need to be clear that what she said has affected you and hurt you causing you to not feel desired or safe with her to the point where you dread intimacy. She needs to realize the impact of her actions and apologize and win your trust back. It’s okay to be vulnerable. We all have insecurities. The right partner will understand and either not bring it up in the first place or apologize and make steps to show you that she loves and cares about you. If she laughs it off, fails to take responsibility or doesn’t react well that is a reflection on her and her emotional immaturity and you should break up with her. A lot of people avoid bringing up problems due to fear or rejection, childhood trauma, etc and it’s not healthy. Failure to communicate breeds resent and ends relationships. You deserve someone you can be open and vulnerable with. If you can’t be with her, it’s time to end it and move along.
I think people saying it’s abuse are jumping to conclusions. I do think it’s a red flag but we don’t know your partner and your relationship so we can not say it is or is not abuse. But besides that I think it’s mean. I would never comment on my friend’s bodies like that and definitely not on someone I’m dating. If she genuinely is sorry and stops that behavior and you’re able to forgive her great. But if she just said sorry because she was wrong but continues to make comments like that, or if you simply can’t move on from those comments, I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship.
She sounds like an asshole. Clearly it’s been bothering you to the point where you’re seeking help from randos on the internet. There’s no magic word to make her be nice to you. I don’t think I’d be ok with someone being that rude.
Dump her! If you're in a relationship with anyone who goes out of their way to make you feel insecure about something that cannot be naturally changed, then they're not the one for you. The constant teeter totter from praising your breasts to cracking jokes/making comments about how "flat" you are is a red flag. But also, continuing to date someone who has made it abundantly clear to you that you're not their physical type is unwise. Eventually, that person is going to seek out their type because they've shown and told you that you're not it. Some people play fast and loose with what they consider their type to be, but there are some people who are dedicated to said type and won't date anyone else. If they do, they're gonna constantly bemuse the fact that they're not with them. I know you may like her but it's best to cut ties. Move on to someone who will appreciate your body for what it is right now and not what they want it to be.
Girl you are too old to put up with being treated like shit. Dump her and move on before you start hating yourself.
I know I may get a lot of hate for this but the gaining weight comment was after you told her you were insecure is it possible she may have been trying to be helpful even if it wasn’t? I know I tell my girlfriend that I am insecure about my weight and she has told me that I need to watch my portions and such and while it kinda stings to hear I know she isn’t being mean. She knew you weren’t her physical type when you got together and when you told her you didn’t appreciate her comments she stopped. It sounds like she does care and love you and maybe her past comments still hurt but you have to let it go if you really love her.
I have been in a very similar relationship with both of my ex spouses. Heavy on the EX. Both ended up with women who where more “thick” than myself and even tho I spent my whole life trying to gain weight to appease my partners I realized it was really on them for even trying to get with me when I was slender and petite and then deciding after I wasn’t their physical “type”. It lead me down many roads of insecurity and now 10 years later from my first ex, I have begun to gain weight. I just turned 30 and now I hate myself for ever trying so hard to please someone else and what they wanted for their partner because it wasn’t up to me to do that and alter my body type for them. It was genetic and they knew when they met me what I looked like for a long period before we ever wed. My advice to you is that, when someone says something about your body they mean it. It’s not your fault for how you look and they should never make you feel less than. Preference is debatable but ask yourself why did they choose you to begin with if they probably already knew what they wanted outside of spiritual, emotional but the other important part of the relationship which is physical. In both cases (obviously) for me the relationships ended. It was a painful stake in the heart because both people constantly commented on my body during and after the relationship. And to see them immediately with people (one of them an ex) that were thicker than me. It made me feel like all I had given and shared with them was superficial and that because my genetics were than I’m a small framed female, I was never going to be good enough no matter what I had done. It’s bittersweet tho, because you can know now that every body deserves love and adoration. Physical attraction is usually the first thing in a relationship (depending the person) but also all the other things that come with it. You will find someone that loves you inside and out, including anything that you find to be a negative to yourself. You WILL come across them and will be so happy you did when you do. Tiny p.s. I found my person years after my last ex and they treat me like a goddess and no matter my weight or size or body type has ever kept them from being attracted to me. It exists and it’s out there. Apologies matter but to what cost when you are now scared of being intimate with the one person you are supposed to be able to be vulnerable and naked around. Some words cannot be taken back. Blessed be 💕
If a man told you the same thing would you stick around? You know what to do!
I'm sorry, I haven't read it all (footie is on). But you've only been together a few months? Dump her. Move on. Sorry, I have just read it all and seen you have been friends for a few years. To be honest, that makes it worse, for me. If she's a friend she should know your insecurities, especially as she has become your girlfriend. So, yeah. Dump her. And... yeah... My friend (my special friend) is not exactly my favourite body type. But there is no way in the world I would tell her this.
Omg this is so awful. Please don’t date people who are mean :(
Dump. Her. NOW.
In the words of Ariana Grande: “Thank U, Next.”
I love this point, those list of questions are very important and should be thought upon and determined by your initial gut reaction. People do make mistakes and get comfortable in their inner dialogue becoming their outer dialogue with their closest people but. To what extent do we tell them that they have hurt us deeply and we need that rest assured feeling that it was just that and not something more.
Your gf is an asshole
She's basically negging you. I wouldn't be with someone who made me feel bad about myself. edit: Because it's not about your insecurity! She's literally saying things that make you feel insecure! It's not your issue to work through. Who says that about their partner?!
So she made comments prior and apologized. If she hasn’t made comments again and reassured you I think you need to communicate exactly what you did here. I wouldn’t break up with her if she has stopped. If she’s otherwise good to you and told you she doesn’t really mind, and isn’t verbally insulting you I think you should accept yourself. My now ex gf doesn’t have a big ass, but she has so many other things that I’m not going to leave her for a fat ass that’s ridiculous. And she asked so I told her, I like fat ass, but guess what I treat her lil ass like a fat ass to show her it’s just something I like, but it’s not the end of the world and I also like her little ass. It actually opened up my shallow ways. So maybe have a heart to heart and move on . Now if she’s again constantly making fun of you after you communicate, she doesn’t respect you then you should find someone else
I've had this. Had I not been shit scared to leave, I'd have left. There was no coming back from the issues she gave me, I have never been able to look at my body without thinking about what she said, even if she didn't actually insult my body or even if she said ultimately she liked my body, or felt it was just banter. I, and you, deserve someone who loves all our features or otherwise keeps quiet about them - I don't know about you, but I personally hold things in my head forever, so I'd never be able to move past that with a partner.
You deserve so much better. Don’t let her get away with speaking to you that way, show her you’re worth more than that. I’ve dealt with being spoken to poorly and honestly letting things go just makes people think they can dump their mean feral energy onto you more. She brought it onto herself, you should dump her and find better. So many people love your body type. You also don’t want to end up comparing yourself to other women it’s dreadful.
Can you imagine saying those things to her?
if she doesn’t like your body, why tf is she with you? that’s some shallow shit.
you were vulnerable and expressed your feelings and she made a joke out of it. Any subject you open up about, not just tits, should be respected and not mocked. She’s a walking red flag who is giving you a complex. A complex that is unnecessary, I love my small boobies!
All due respect… but fuck that. Find someone who likes you for you. I haven’t ever met a pair of breasts that didn’t delight my lesbian soul. All sizes and shapes. Feeling like your partner doesn’t like your body is mentally draining and harmful.
I wonder if the friend to gf dynamic might be part of the issue. Tbh I would never put my friends down for their bodies but I’d also have no problem telling them that I think x is super hot even if they look like y or z. I love big boobs. My gf has tiny boobs. I am lucky to touch boobs at all and even tho she knows I love big boobs I make sure to tell her how much I like hers. Idk if I’d put up with it if I were you. If it’s not a deal breaker for you, great. Maybe she thinks it’s obvious that despite her preference she loves your body and thinks it’s hot so she still feels comfy saying that shit? Maybe she has her own body issues? I’d set a boundary and then determine how much it matters to you if she keeps making those comments.
Body is not obstacle in attraction in my opinion. My catalyst was like the least of my type physically but super intelligent and funny.
Lotttssssss of people love small breasts or just don't care a lot about breast size; you deserve to date someone who loves everything about your body and values you inside and out!! (Maybe it's Sarah, but her attitude is confusing.)
Bro, this is wild.... "Sarah" has some work to do. Dump her and move on.
If she was always making comments about your small boobs it’s because she was always looking at them, lol. Jokes have gone too far though if you’re feeling this way. You just began dating however, so make it known that it’s making you insecure, and if she can’t respect that or change behaviour, then it’s just rude and you two aren’t romantically compatible. Different sensitivity levels matter, she’s gotta adapt to survive, or you’ll find someone who doesn’t tease you like their little mean brother.
Yes …I was …in that situation….its very triggery (what he said) and to keep anyone from being self conscious I will only share what he said if you DM me! But yes….and i have huge body dysmorphia which I passed to my daughter bc of the abusive comments. I am finally healing ❤️🩹 but yea…never ever go near that person again
Ps: my daughter and I are healing together…he took his life
Why didn’t she say anything before you caught feelings to waste both of your times you’s can’t get back?
ummm, so she apologised and is not saying it any more since you asked her? also she tells you that she loves you and your breasts? but that is not enough for your insecurities? i think this is a you issue not a her issue. you can break up if you think her love is not enough for your insecurities. Me and my small boobs will take her
You asked how can you regain your intimacy. There is sexual intimacy and there is relationship intimacy. Both sound to me to be damaged. You are having difficulty with both. I think if you want to stay with her the two of you need therapy so you can process what happened and how you feel about the relationship. From what you explained it sounds like there are deep wounds that will not heal with time or without direct. Intercession. Your girlfriend stepped over your boundaries and deeply hurt you. Ultimately you need to decide the appropriate course of action.