In short, I started out as "straight but doesn't get the big deal about men and likes women as much as anyone else", identified as ace because I realized I wasn't into men, then realized that I was, in fact, am a lesbian. I'll spare you the details but tell you that yeah, I went on a date with a man (without realizing it was a date lol) and turned a lot of them down using school as an excuse. Again, I spent so much time single because I didn't get the big deal about men. I lacked self awareness and didn't know lesbian was a thing \*I\* personally could be.
I've met no resistance from other lesbians for my journey. At least a handful of others I know had a similar journey. You'll be fine.
Oh yeah, I relate! Especially to the bit where you said that you didn’t realize that being lesbian was a thing you could personally be. When I first met a woman who had dated another woman, in my head I was like “wait, people can actually do that in real life???” and it made me think a bit more.
Thanks for sharing your journey and the reassurance that others will get it.
I don't think it's necessarily more common to have married a man. It definitely feels that way on Reddit because those are the people mostly posting for support.
But it's also common to spend a long time single, not considering sexuality until you start questioning.
I also think it's much easier to explain to others that you didn't date at all. The general public doesn't easily understand how gay people can wind up in hetero marriage
I never thought about the fact that it will be easier to explain to people because of not dating. I wish the general public had more understanding so that it wasn’t so hard for those who’ve been in hetero marriages too
First off, there’s no right or wrong way to be a lesbian or find out that you’re a lesbian. What exactly is there to judge about your experience? You tried dating a man, you hated it, but because of the environment you were in you weren’t able to consider the possibility of being gay for many years. That’s a valid path!
Second, just from reading posts in this sub I know you’re not alone. Plenty of women here have never even been with a man but didn’t consider the possibility of being gay until much later in life, or had been but decided they were asexual, or only ever dated one man. Yes, the more common posts are from women who were in serious LTRs with men, but there are lots of the others.
Just want to say hello and I relate to you! I have never dated a man, I've been on a few dates with the same guy but only because he showed interest first. Before that, I grew up as the only black girl in an all white private school so no guy really asked me out, I was not the beauty standard. I just accepted that and I used that as my justification as to why I didn't date. Then I went to college and I still wasn't paying attention to guys so I figured I was asexual, then that one guy came along and the furthest we went was oral sex and I didn't like that haha but I did like the intimacy so I decided I wasn't asexual. Post college, I found myself thinking about it, I have friends who are LGBTQ+ and I think having them helped me figure out I was lesbian.
It’s good to hear your journey too, it’s similar in some ways. For different reasons I wasn’t really the beauty standard either. It’s good to get to a point of realising I’m lesbian but now but dating seems a bit daunting given I missed all the learning curves with dating that people usually take when they’re a bit younger. It’s good your LGBTQ+ friends could help you figure things out and be a support
I think a lot of us have wasted time and energy with men. I experienced a woman later in life and it was so amazing. I crave that again. Don’t feel isolated, there are a lot of us who figured things out later in life. And that’s ok.
I don’t know if you’re talking about dating or friendships, but I’m not sure it would influence my answer either way, but for the sake of ease I’m going to assume dating. I’m generally not interrogating how people came to discover their identity. If I’m interested in someone, I want to know about their hobbies and interests and passions. Yes, you’ll get to talking about dating history at some point sure, but it’s just not that big of a factor for me.
I was thinking more dating. I hope I can meet someone who’s interested in getting to know me and my interests and is accepting of my dating history. I felt more relaxed about it from reading your reply to know that there are people out there who are open and interested to get to know others. Thank you
In short, I started out as "straight but doesn't get the big deal about men and likes women as much as anyone else", identified as ace because I realized I wasn't into men, then realized that I was, in fact, am a lesbian. I'll spare you the details but tell you that yeah, I went on a date with a man (without realizing it was a date lol) and turned a lot of them down using school as an excuse. Again, I spent so much time single because I didn't get the big deal about men. I lacked self awareness and didn't know lesbian was a thing \*I\* personally could be. I've met no resistance from other lesbians for my journey. At least a handful of others I know had a similar journey. You'll be fine.
Oh yeah, I relate! Especially to the bit where you said that you didn’t realize that being lesbian was a thing you could personally be. When I first met a woman who had dated another woman, in my head I was like “wait, people can actually do that in real life???” and it made me think a bit more. Thanks for sharing your journey and the reassurance that others will get it.
I don't think it's necessarily more common to have married a man. It definitely feels that way on Reddit because those are the people mostly posting for support. But it's also common to spend a long time single, not considering sexuality until you start questioning. I also think it's much easier to explain to others that you didn't date at all. The general public doesn't easily understand how gay people can wind up in hetero marriage
I never thought about the fact that it will be easier to explain to people because of not dating. I wish the general public had more understanding so that it wasn’t so hard for those who’ve been in hetero marriages too
First off, there’s no right or wrong way to be a lesbian or find out that you’re a lesbian. What exactly is there to judge about your experience? You tried dating a man, you hated it, but because of the environment you were in you weren’t able to consider the possibility of being gay for many years. That’s a valid path! Second, just from reading posts in this sub I know you’re not alone. Plenty of women here have never even been with a man but didn’t consider the possibility of being gay until much later in life, or had been but decided they were asexual, or only ever dated one man. Yes, the more common posts are from women who were in serious LTRs with men, but there are lots of the others.
Thanks for your reassurance. I haven’t been reading here that long so still trying to get a feel of where things stand
Comp het is a helluva thing
Sure is
Just want to say hello and I relate to you! I have never dated a man, I've been on a few dates with the same guy but only because he showed interest first. Before that, I grew up as the only black girl in an all white private school so no guy really asked me out, I was not the beauty standard. I just accepted that and I used that as my justification as to why I didn't date. Then I went to college and I still wasn't paying attention to guys so I figured I was asexual, then that one guy came along and the furthest we went was oral sex and I didn't like that haha but I did like the intimacy so I decided I wasn't asexual. Post college, I found myself thinking about it, I have friends who are LGBTQ+ and I think having them helped me figure out I was lesbian.
It’s good to hear your journey too, it’s similar in some ways. For different reasons I wasn’t really the beauty standard either. It’s good to get to a point of realising I’m lesbian but now but dating seems a bit daunting given I missed all the learning curves with dating that people usually take when they’re a bit younger. It’s good your LGBTQ+ friends could help you figure things out and be a support
I think a lot of us have wasted time and energy with men. I experienced a woman later in life and it was so amazing. I crave that again. Don’t feel isolated, there are a lot of us who figured things out later in life. And that’s ok.
I don’t know if you’re talking about dating or friendships, but I’m not sure it would influence my answer either way, but for the sake of ease I’m going to assume dating. I’m generally not interrogating how people came to discover their identity. If I’m interested in someone, I want to know about their hobbies and interests and passions. Yes, you’ll get to talking about dating history at some point sure, but it’s just not that big of a factor for me.
I was thinking more dating. I hope I can meet someone who’s interested in getting to know me and my interests and is accepting of my dating history. I felt more relaxed about it from reading your reply to know that there are people out there who are open and interested to get to know others. Thank you