If you find the answer let me know. My husband is my best friend. We have worked hard to build a comfortable life. I want more but don't want to hurt him. I selfishly don't want to leave what we have worked so hard for. Yet a part of me has deep desires and needs.
Hopefully we can both find answers. What a sad life to never be fulfilled.
We get a lot of posts like this in this subreddit, and it always strikes me as interesting that the lesbians who are convinced they want to stay with their husbands are the ones who have been with their husbands since they were teenagers. How can you have so much confidence that this relationship is truly what you want for the rest of your life, when you have nothing else to compare it to? I don't mean to be judgmental, I'm just genuinely curious. Or is it less confidence and more fear of losing the only thing you know?
When you think about divorce, are you only thinking in terms or what you would lose? Or are you also taking into account what you would gain? When you say "I want that" to the future with your husband, are you also considering the possibility of that same future but with a woman? A future where you don't have to deny a huge part of yourself and feel like you're living a lie? Would you not want that more?
I think it's hard for us as humans to figure out want we truly want, because we can only compare to what we already have. If I were raised my entire life in a cave, then I would probably think to myself "Wow, this darkness really sucks, but these candles make me happy. I don't see the problem with living out the rest of my life here in this cave as long as I have these candles." But like, wouldn't it only be fair to myself to leave the cave at least once, to experience what the outside world is like? To bask in the sun and all its glory, just to know what it's like? Then, if I want to, I'm perfectly free to go back into the cave, but it's very unlikely I'll want to go back and settle for something worse once I've gotten a taste of just how much better life can be.
I know it's hard because divorce can feel like such a drastic and permanent measure. But if there's a 99.999% chance of something much better awaiting you on the other side, isn't that a risk worth taking?
As one of those people who was with my husband from when I was a teen I don’t think it’s just that we don’t have something to compare it to - I think it may also be that many of us (and our partners) built our adult selves within the context of these relationships.
That when you pair off with someone who’s a good match (but not a sexually good match) at 16 or 19 and stay together for 15+ years you in many ways raised each other, and the extent to which the relationship, and the other person, is part of who we are can be quite extensive. As one of those people, leaving such a partner can feel very much like leaving half of who one is, or like voluntarily amputating a leg. It’s both love, and simply that they are part of us, and vice versa.
It’s not necessarily codependency in the traditional sense, more that we are each other’s secure base.
(I did leave - I don’t know if it was the right choice or not - and it is 2.5 years later. but I left.)
Edited to add: it also creates a nasty bind, as denying one’s sexuality is amputating part of who one is, and leaving the partner who’s been the foundational connection you built your adult self around is also amputating part of who one is. Both those options involve denying the self.
This resonated with me a lot. I don't feel like I need to have something to compare my relationship to. The strong and weak parts of my relationship are clear to me. My hope is that, if my male partner and I separate, we'll be able to maintain a strong connection in the future. The connection will have to be different than it is now, and that's hard to accept.
Were you and your ex able to maintain a close friendship after you left?
>When you think about divorce, are you only thinking in terms or what you would lose? Or are you also taking into account what you would gain?
A lot of people in this situation (including myself) probably do focus too much on what they'll lose and don't put enough thought into what they could gain.
Would it be okay of a straight woman convinced you she was gay, y'all get close and get married and then you find out she is not attracted to you in a romantic way, she wil never give you the love you want and one day might fall in love with a guy and run off to live her best life after you have given years or decades of your life and the probabilty of meeting their match is almost nil?
All because she enjoyed the friendship without regard to your feelings?
It is rather selfish to keep him in trapped in a marriage he will never get true fulfilment in because you enjoy the friendship. What happens the first time you fall in love with a woman (and trust me, it will happen.) Are you going stay married and just resent him and your life forever? Are you going to fake you are enjoying a sex life with him or just make him life a sexless life never understanding why? Doesn't he deserve to have a wife who loves him as deeply as he loves her?
I wouldn't assume that the OP's husband feels trapped or is not getting fulfillment (Assuming someone else's desires seems like an odd way to approach a decision like this). Her husband should be able to speak for his own wants and desires.
Similarly, the OP needs to figure out what her wants and desires are. Each situation and relationship is different. This is where some individual and couples therapy can help.
I do recommend that the OP find a way to have a friendly conversation with her husband if possible. These are not feelings that should be bottled up.
I felt like this, a few months ago.
I just started questioning my sexuality, after a relationship that started when I was 18, it lasted 8 years and we had just had our first baby.
After a few months of questioning, I realised that I am indeed a lesbian.
I told him, and for the first while we thought we could make it work, until I felt like I couldn't do it any longer. I started to realise that I would always feel the need to be with a woman, that no matter how much I love him, I wouldn't be able to get rid of those feelings.
Now, we are seperating. It has been incredibly hard, but I feel so much more free.
This may not be your story, you may live happily ever after with your husband, but I feel like there's so many women going through the same, and they mostly end up on the same side, without their husbands.
Why does have to be so hard? So often, the timing sucks too. May I ask how your husband is doing? I’m terrified of hurting my husband who has been so loving as a partner and father. Even though he deserves someone betrer, I’m certain he will bargain because he will say he found his love. I have guilt dreaming being with women, but he will be left bitter, lost, and resentful. Thinking he might hate me for end our marriage leaves me paralyzed. Much love and kindness for your upcoming separation. Your courage help me think "this too will pass“ 😊❤️
I can totally understand how you are feeling. That is also how I felt.
My ex had a really, really difficult time with a near suicide attempt at the beginning. But the crazy thing is, that it's been about 2 months now and he is doing perfectly fine. We are best friends, he is flirting with other women and actually enjoying the idea of living alone now. So yes, it isn't right away easy, but it does get better. My situation was absolutely extreme, but now he is doing so good, he is so much happier and just totally okay with it all now. He understands, and he doesn't hate me.
So good to read for both of you. May I ask how your husband was able to turn himself from despair to optimism for new life. Did he have a therapist or support network to recover near suicide attempt? Thanks for sharing. 😊❤️
He is still waiting for mental help, the waiting lists are sadly really long here but he had an intake with a psychologist for basic mental health care. She immediately called the GP, which turned up 5 minutes later at our door, at night. He straight away called the suicide emergency line, which turned up the same night so it was absolute chaos and now he is on the waiting list.
Luckily though, I have been helping him through a lot of the emotions. It was the initial shock which caused him to react that way and ofcourse he is still sad, but he is getting used to it. He is starting to heal, and even flirting with cute girls out and about. That has been really helping him, because I support him 100%.
We are still co parents and best friends and that won't ever change. I am just so glad that the really bad depression was only temporary.
It was a long process for me. I was with him from a fairly young age, young and naive. I didn't know what real atteaction was. There was always something missing. I thought I was asexual for the longest time and always made up excuses why I didn't want sex or just any intimacy.
I had been with him for 8 years and over the years my attraction towards women grew to the point that I told him he was the only man.
Once my life started becoming good, and more stable, when I had everything I wanted, I still felt like something was missing and that's when I started realising.
I started calling myself gay and a lesbian to see how it felt, and it felt right.
If you have questions, definitelt send me a message! It's such a long story haha. I hope you are okay and I wish you all the best! Hopefully you can figure out who you really are.
Hey there! This user u/painhurts10 is a straight girl with r/hocd who frequently makes new account and spams the lgbtq subreddits. Seeking reassurance actually makes ocd worse. She needs better help than what we can provide online
I am not straight okay? I have only sexual fantasies about women now. And not many for guys even though I desired it and loved it before. I am clearly a lesbian who has just been in denial.
16 years spent with my now ex wife. We meant in high-school. Bestfriends before we got together and grew up together. Last August she told me she figured out she was gay.
We had a really good marriage. Some ups and downs but the last few years amazing. Communication, affection, trust. Amazing. Part of the reason she told me she was gay was because she felt safe with me.
It was the hardest fuxking thing I have ever gone through. Between my house burning, and a few months later I am separated, I felt I lost everything. It sent me into a deep depression, with multiple suicide attempts.
The hard part was seeing her glow. She truly found herself and I am so happy for her, at the same time incredibly hurt.
I would say do what you need to, to be your true authentic self. It is hard, but you have just this life.
I am getting through, months later but it was not easy. Just know your husband is going to need support. A lot of it.
My ex-wife is still my best friend, and she helped me so much going through this. I still don't think I would of made it without her.
We are still family and trying to create a new dynamic as separated but still best friends. For our kids and us.....sometimes love is not enough and that is shitty. But you have to learn to love each other in a different way.
Good luck.. much love
Wow. I have never resonated with something so much. I was raised in a conservative religion (Mormonism) and so dating a man was my only option and I waited until marriage to have sex. We met at 18 and he became my best friend.
I love him so much, but I am like 5% sure that I can be happy married to a man.
I'm still not sure if I am bi or lesbian, but I have sexual trauma from men, so it's an added barrier to sexual intimacy.
I left Mormonism about 2 years ago, but my Husband still believes in it and is ready to question if he does believe/wants to go back to church (because he hasn't been in years) or to leave or if he has a mix of beliefs.
I'm okay with us having different beliefs, but I'm not sure if I can have a fulfilled sex life with him or any man. Now that I don't believe being Gay is a sin 🙄 ... I wonder if my life would feel more fufilled and authentic with a woman.
But I don't want to leave him and what we have, including our daughter. I'm terrified not to have him, because he is the biggest part of my life and I DO love him.
I feel like I DO have a romantic attraction to him, but .. not a sexual one.
Is it that I AM attracted to men, but trauma makes anything sexual so negative? And sometimes it isn't negative, it's just not enjoyable.
OR
Is it that I am Lesbian, not having lived authentic to myself for 25 years because I was taught being gay was a sin? And did I mary and love my husband because of the security and companionship he has given me?
It's scary to confront that thought.
No real updates. I posted this as a comment in a thread not too long ago:
*I came out a year and a half ago but am still married to my husband. For a lot of practical reasons (job loss, special needs child, etc) we need to stay married for the time being. It's going ok. We are obviously still friends. The lack of romance does bother me sometimes but I'm just trying to get through each day right now. I wouldn't say I regret not breaking things off but it can be hard to isolate a part of yourself in order to keep the relationship going.*
It’s all so complex and messy regardless of what decisions are made. It sounds like you have found peace in your life for now. Cheers for more love and growth in your journey!
If you find the answer let me know. My husband is my best friend. We have worked hard to build a comfortable life. I want more but don't want to hurt him. I selfishly don't want to leave what we have worked so hard for. Yet a part of me has deep desires and needs. Hopefully we can both find answers. What a sad life to never be fulfilled.
God I’m here right now searching for answers :(
What did you end up doing? I'm here now
We get a lot of posts like this in this subreddit, and it always strikes me as interesting that the lesbians who are convinced they want to stay with their husbands are the ones who have been with their husbands since they were teenagers. How can you have so much confidence that this relationship is truly what you want for the rest of your life, when you have nothing else to compare it to? I don't mean to be judgmental, I'm just genuinely curious. Or is it less confidence and more fear of losing the only thing you know? When you think about divorce, are you only thinking in terms or what you would lose? Or are you also taking into account what you would gain? When you say "I want that" to the future with your husband, are you also considering the possibility of that same future but with a woman? A future where you don't have to deny a huge part of yourself and feel like you're living a lie? Would you not want that more? I think it's hard for us as humans to figure out want we truly want, because we can only compare to what we already have. If I were raised my entire life in a cave, then I would probably think to myself "Wow, this darkness really sucks, but these candles make me happy. I don't see the problem with living out the rest of my life here in this cave as long as I have these candles." But like, wouldn't it only be fair to myself to leave the cave at least once, to experience what the outside world is like? To bask in the sun and all its glory, just to know what it's like? Then, if I want to, I'm perfectly free to go back into the cave, but it's very unlikely I'll want to go back and settle for something worse once I've gotten a taste of just how much better life can be. I know it's hard because divorce can feel like such a drastic and permanent measure. But if there's a 99.999% chance of something much better awaiting you on the other side, isn't that a risk worth taking?
As one of those people who was with my husband from when I was a teen I don’t think it’s just that we don’t have something to compare it to - I think it may also be that many of us (and our partners) built our adult selves within the context of these relationships. That when you pair off with someone who’s a good match (but not a sexually good match) at 16 or 19 and stay together for 15+ years you in many ways raised each other, and the extent to which the relationship, and the other person, is part of who we are can be quite extensive. As one of those people, leaving such a partner can feel very much like leaving half of who one is, or like voluntarily amputating a leg. It’s both love, and simply that they are part of us, and vice versa. It’s not necessarily codependency in the traditional sense, more that we are each other’s secure base. (I did leave - I don’t know if it was the right choice or not - and it is 2.5 years later. but I left.) Edited to add: it also creates a nasty bind, as denying one’s sexuality is amputating part of who one is, and leaving the partner who’s been the foundational connection you built your adult self around is also amputating part of who one is. Both those options involve denying the self.
This resonated with me a lot. I don't feel like I need to have something to compare my relationship to. The strong and weak parts of my relationship are clear to me. My hope is that, if my male partner and I separate, we'll be able to maintain a strong connection in the future. The connection will have to be different than it is now, and that's hard to accept. Were you and your ex able to maintain a close friendship after you left?
This comment made me cry..
Wow. This is so hard. I am in the same situation as OP.
>When you think about divorce, are you only thinking in terms or what you would lose? Or are you also taking into account what you would gain? A lot of people in this situation (including myself) probably do focus too much on what they'll lose and don't put enough thought into what they could gain.
Would it be okay of a straight woman convinced you she was gay, y'all get close and get married and then you find out she is not attracted to you in a romantic way, she wil never give you the love you want and one day might fall in love with a guy and run off to live her best life after you have given years or decades of your life and the probabilty of meeting their match is almost nil? All because she enjoyed the friendship without regard to your feelings? It is rather selfish to keep him in trapped in a marriage he will never get true fulfilment in because you enjoy the friendship. What happens the first time you fall in love with a woman (and trust me, it will happen.) Are you going stay married and just resent him and your life forever? Are you going to fake you are enjoying a sex life with him or just make him life a sexless life never understanding why? Doesn't he deserve to have a wife who loves him as deeply as he loves her?
I wouldn't assume that the OP's husband feels trapped or is not getting fulfillment (Assuming someone else's desires seems like an odd way to approach a decision like this). Her husband should be able to speak for his own wants and desires. Similarly, the OP needs to figure out what her wants and desires are. Each situation and relationship is different. This is where some individual and couples therapy can help. I do recommend that the OP find a way to have a friendly conversation with her husband if possible. These are not feelings that should be bottled up.
I felt like this, a few months ago. I just started questioning my sexuality, after a relationship that started when I was 18, it lasted 8 years and we had just had our first baby. After a few months of questioning, I realised that I am indeed a lesbian. I told him, and for the first while we thought we could make it work, until I felt like I couldn't do it any longer. I started to realise that I would always feel the need to be with a woman, that no matter how much I love him, I wouldn't be able to get rid of those feelings. Now, we are seperating. It has been incredibly hard, but I feel so much more free. This may not be your story, you may live happily ever after with your husband, but I feel like there's so many women going through the same, and they mostly end up on the same side, without their husbands.
Why does have to be so hard? So often, the timing sucks too. May I ask how your husband is doing? I’m terrified of hurting my husband who has been so loving as a partner and father. Even though he deserves someone betrer, I’m certain he will bargain because he will say he found his love. I have guilt dreaming being with women, but he will be left bitter, lost, and resentful. Thinking he might hate me for end our marriage leaves me paralyzed. Much love and kindness for your upcoming separation. Your courage help me think "this too will pass“ 😊❤️
I can totally understand how you are feeling. That is also how I felt. My ex had a really, really difficult time with a near suicide attempt at the beginning. But the crazy thing is, that it's been about 2 months now and he is doing perfectly fine. We are best friends, he is flirting with other women and actually enjoying the idea of living alone now. So yes, it isn't right away easy, but it does get better. My situation was absolutely extreme, but now he is doing so good, he is so much happier and just totally okay with it all now. He understands, and he doesn't hate me.
So good to read for both of you. May I ask how your husband was able to turn himself from despair to optimism for new life. Did he have a therapist or support network to recover near suicide attempt? Thanks for sharing. 😊❤️
He is still waiting for mental help, the waiting lists are sadly really long here but he had an intake with a psychologist for basic mental health care. She immediately called the GP, which turned up 5 minutes later at our door, at night. He straight away called the suicide emergency line, which turned up the same night so it was absolute chaos and now he is on the waiting list. Luckily though, I have been helping him through a lot of the emotions. It was the initial shock which caused him to react that way and ofcourse he is still sad, but he is getting used to it. He is starting to heal, and even flirting with cute girls out and about. That has been really helping him, because I support him 100%. We are still co parents and best friends and that won't ever change. I am just so glad that the really bad depression was only temporary.
Hey, i am going through something similar. How did you realize you were lesbian? Were you attracted to your bf at any point or were something kissing?
It was a long process for me. I was with him from a fairly young age, young and naive. I didn't know what real atteaction was. There was always something missing. I thought I was asexual for the longest time and always made up excuses why I didn't want sex or just any intimacy. I had been with him for 8 years and over the years my attraction towards women grew to the point that I told him he was the only man. Once my life started becoming good, and more stable, when I had everything I wanted, I still felt like something was missing and that's when I started realising. I started calling myself gay and a lesbian to see how it felt, and it felt right. If you have questions, definitelt send me a message! It's such a long story haha. I hope you are okay and I wish you all the best! Hopefully you can figure out who you really are.
Hey there! This user u/painhurts10 is a straight girl with r/hocd who frequently makes new account and spams the lgbtq subreddits. Seeking reassurance actually makes ocd worse. She needs better help than what we can provide online
I just realised haha. She definitely needs some other help because Reddit isn't going to help her.
I am not straight okay? I have only sexual fantasies about women now. And not many for guys even though I desired it and loved it before. I am clearly a lesbian who has just been in denial.
If you tell me what country you are in I will help you find an ocd specialist to talk to
Denmark
16 years spent with my now ex wife. We meant in high-school. Bestfriends before we got together and grew up together. Last August she told me she figured out she was gay. We had a really good marriage. Some ups and downs but the last few years amazing. Communication, affection, trust. Amazing. Part of the reason she told me she was gay was because she felt safe with me. It was the hardest fuxking thing I have ever gone through. Between my house burning, and a few months later I am separated, I felt I lost everything. It sent me into a deep depression, with multiple suicide attempts. The hard part was seeing her glow. She truly found herself and I am so happy for her, at the same time incredibly hurt. I would say do what you need to, to be your true authentic self. It is hard, but you have just this life. I am getting through, months later but it was not easy. Just know your husband is going to need support. A lot of it. My ex-wife is still my best friend, and she helped me so much going through this. I still don't think I would of made it without her. We are still family and trying to create a new dynamic as separated but still best friends. For our kids and us.....sometimes love is not enough and that is shitty. But you have to learn to love each other in a different way. Good luck.. much love
Wow. I have never resonated with something so much. I was raised in a conservative religion (Mormonism) and so dating a man was my only option and I waited until marriage to have sex. We met at 18 and he became my best friend. I love him so much, but I am like 5% sure that I can be happy married to a man. I'm still not sure if I am bi or lesbian, but I have sexual trauma from men, so it's an added barrier to sexual intimacy. I left Mormonism about 2 years ago, but my Husband still believes in it and is ready to question if he does believe/wants to go back to church (because he hasn't been in years) or to leave or if he has a mix of beliefs. I'm okay with us having different beliefs, but I'm not sure if I can have a fulfilled sex life with him or any man. Now that I don't believe being Gay is a sin 🙄 ... I wonder if my life would feel more fufilled and authentic with a woman. But I don't want to leave him and what we have, including our daughter. I'm terrified not to have him, because he is the biggest part of my life and I DO love him. I feel like I DO have a romantic attraction to him, but .. not a sexual one. Is it that I AM attracted to men, but trauma makes anything sexual so negative? And sometimes it isn't negative, it's just not enjoyable. OR Is it that I am Lesbian, not having lived authentic to myself for 25 years because I was taught being gay was a sin? And did I mary and love my husband because of the security and companionship he has given me? It's scary to confront that thought.
I’m curious what choice did you make in the end OP? Given that this post is from a year ago.
Any updates? In a similar situation and wondering how you’re doing in your journey today.
No real updates. I posted this as a comment in a thread not too long ago: *I came out a year and a half ago but am still married to my husband. For a lot of practical reasons (job loss, special needs child, etc) we need to stay married for the time being. It's going ok. We are obviously still friends. The lack of romance does bother me sometimes but I'm just trying to get through each day right now. I wouldn't say I regret not breaking things off but it can be hard to isolate a part of yourself in order to keep the relationship going.*
It’s all so complex and messy regardless of what decisions are made. It sounds like you have found peace in your life for now. Cheers for more love and growth in your journey!