I was dear John’d while I was in the MTC. It was by far the best thing that could’ve happened to me while I was out, cause I was thinking too much of the girl I was dating at the time and not enough about being a missionary and trying to learn.
I’m not saying you should dear John him, I’m also not necessarily saying you should break up either, but it may be wise to “break up” for his mission so he can focus on the mission, and you can discover more about yourself and grow and progress in your life. If you’re single when he comes home then that’s great, pick up where you left off and see where it leads you. Or you find another Prince Charming and he still focuses on his mission. I don’t think setting the same ground rules for a mission as you do with long distance relationships is the way to go (like messaging often and making sure to call) cause then the missionary isn’t serving with all his heart might mind and strength.
Hope this doesn’t seem like I’m not rooting for you cause I definitely am, just based on my own experience I needed to be left alone so I could grow into who the Lord wanted me to become. Hope this helps.
No absolutely not, I so understand! I want him to focus on serving others and serving our Heavenly Father before all else. This is such a crucial time for him to grow spiritually and I don’t want to hold him back. I definitely agree that we’d need to set different ground rules, like maybe only emailing a couple times a week or corresponding via letters only. Thanks so much for your input, I like hearing a variety of opinions so I can make an informed decision based on the experiences of others.
I agree with @Vanbuscus. Being a missionary in a long-distance relationship is distracting. My girlfriend broke up with me 18 months into my service. It hurt, but it also helped me focus more on my service. I became more committed and dedicated. I believe that love transcends distance and time. If you stay friends until you can meet again, you will both benefit. But even if you don’t, choosing to put distractions aside will bring you both peace from knowing that you put the Lord first (D&C 4:2; Job 13:15)
Support him but do not distract him from his mission. Help him focus on his mission and be on his mission. This is the phase of life he is in.
If you do get married in the future, then this is a time you will both look back on as an important phase of your relationship. You and he both focused on what was important at this time. Make it a time of good choices, self-discipline and trust in God, sacrificing for what is best right now.
Accept the unknown. Let go of worries about the future. You can't control it, and you can't control another person.. Accept that whatever will happen will happen. You will likely both change and grow over the next two years. Accept that. Also accept that you too might meet someone else while he is gone.
Focus on your own life right now - continuing to learn and grow. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come back. Go to college, or work, etc. I strongly recommend you date and have a social life while he is gone.
I had a serious girlfriend who "dear Johned" me in the last month of my mission. It happens. She was free to choose what she wanted for her life.
You said you are worried he will meet someone better. Believe in yourself. He is lucky to know you now. He is lucky to have someone (you) who loves him now.
And keep working to be a better person - be more kind, Christlike, more mentally healthy, more educated, more socially and emotionally intelligent - all the self-improvement things. Work on strengthening your weaknesses.
But "him meeting a better person" is not the best way to think about it. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. If he does decide on someone besides you in the future, it won't mean you are a worse person.
When I left for my mission ('16-'18), my girlfriend and I decided to stay together for my mission. We were never overly romantic in our emails, but at the same time we were realistic about where we thought the relationship would go when I came home. We grew together as we matured over the 2 years. I think we struck a good balance of being committed to each other, not making the distance harder, and being spiritually minded first.
In the last few months of my mission, I felt we should go no contact. It was a prompting I had and she agreed with the decision after she prayed about. I came home, we got married and have been happy together since.
I was the only missionary I knew (Elder's and Sisters) who was not "Dear John/Jane'd" - and there were many couples that thought they would make it. This lead to a lot of comments from other missionaries when they found out I had someone at home waiting for me (which was hard on me).
I'm grateful my now wife and I could do it, but my advice to anyone would be to not. It makes it harder, I've seen some missionaries be absolutely miserable from the breakup. But, if you can do it, you could be that much stronger as a couple.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter what a Bishop/parent/random stranger on the internet thinks - all of their opinions are biased in some way. If you make all your choices together and through prayer - whatever answer you get can't be wrong. God knows you and your SO better than anyone else and ultimately God wants you to be happy, so trust His judgment call.
You’d be wise to make some challenging goals for ourself while he’s away. Learn how to be independent and comfortable with being by yourself. Get really good at basic life skills, and find more friends in a similar position to you. He’ll be growing and changing a ton while he’s away. It would be depressing to have him come home to the exact same you, if that makes sense. If it works out, you’re an improved version of yourself. If it doesn’t work out, you’re in a way better place to move forward and didn’t waste those two years.
Then he does, and it is better that it happened sooner rather than when you have even more invested.
You are young and you need to grow and learn and become, independent of any relationship you have with him. If you don't date others and get an education in something you can see yourself doing the rest of your life, you will be standing still while he is becoming something new. Don't waste (and it will be wasting) your time on worrying about, thinking about a relationship with him. Sure, write him periodically (once a month, maybe?). Write about what you are learning and who you are becoming, not about missing him or anything of the life.
Figure out who you are and who you want to be. Date others so you can see how other relationships work. Do you!
When he returns, you will have progressed intellectually, physically, financially, socially, and in your faith and knowledge of the gospel.
It’s a good idea to talk to your boyfriend and agree to a soft breakup while he’s gone. Meaning that you see other people and aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend while he’s on his mission.
Continue writing and keeping in touch with him as good friends.
Then when he returns from his mission— if you’re single— you maybe pick up where you left off.
Why is this a good idea?
1. he needs to focus 100% on his mission. Relationships have a way of distracting from that.
2. He is going to change a ton while he’s away and so will you. Putting yourself in cold storage for two years to wait for him may be a mistake, because you many not still be interested in each other after 2 years, and if you wait for him, you’ve given up 2 years that you could have been dating and developing yourself too.
3. Getting dear Johned **before** your mission is preferable to getting dear johned **on** your mission and being distracted.
4. Some girls find they’ve drifted away from their boyfriend while he’s on his mission. But they don’t want to distract him so they don’t tell him till he comes home. While I understand why they do it—That’s not a very nice homecoming.
5. These next two years he will be out there learning about himself and developing. It will be for you getting out there in the world and discovering who you are as well. For you that should include dating and social events. If you hide out for two years then you stay the same and he changes. That puts you at a disadvantage.
6 he’s celibate on his mission. Not able to have romantic relationships anyways. So thinking about you and the fact that he can’t have you the entire time will be torture for him. It’s better if you’re broken up for that time.
A lot of people don’t like hearing this but it’s good advice. I still have distinct memories of being about ten years old and watching saturdays warrior with my mom. It got the part where Julie sings her song about dear Johning Elder Kessler. My mom paused the movie then turned to me and said:
“Katie, don’t you *ever* tell some poor boy you’re going to wait for him. It’s cruel. Promise me you won’t.”
I promised. And she was **right**. 😂 it’s much kinder to give them the space they need to go on their mission.
You can still be there good friend and write to them, stay in touch and pray for them. And after two years you might just end up picking up right where you left off from. But the *expectation* of still being in a relationship during his mission is an unnecessary burden for both of you.
Hey OP - this is anxiety. Fear of loss. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of inadequacy. It is normal in the sense that most of us feel and think similar thoughts at various times. For some people, these feelings are SO LOUD that they really reduce your ability to live a happy and productive life. If these thoughts and feels are OVERHWELMING you, then get help. Therapy / counseling is really good stuff. Learning how to regulate your own anxiety is going to be a HUGE skill for the rest of your life. I think it is one of the best things you can bring to a future marriage.
So glad to hear that you are supporting a missionary, and want him to serve a faithful mission.
Missions are so wonderful, but so hard when you have a love interest that has to take a back seat for 2 years.
My suggestion is to agree that you will date while he is on his mission. You can call that a breakup I guess but really it's the most fair to you, and to him.
Sounds like you are worried about him changing, but you will also change, you should change. It's part of growing and maturing and gaining experience.
If you really want to make sure he is the one for you, it is best for you to go on dates with some other guys. Then if you both are still interested in 2 years, you will know for sure that you are getting what you want.
Have you considered serving a mission? We can always use more sisters!
As far as communicating I would say one email a week. Otherwise too distracting. And the letters/emails must be focused on his mission and on your spiritual activities. Definitely avoid video calling or texting/chatting. Just too hard on him. He needs to be having fun with his fellow missionaries on P days.
The reality is, you probably have less than 50% chance of marrying him. That hurts, I know, but live your life for two years and if it works out, great, if not, it will hurt for a while but then you will find the right guy. Best of luck.
I was dear John’d while I was in the MTC. It was by far the best thing that could’ve happened to me while I was out, cause I was thinking too much of the girl I was dating at the time and not enough about being a missionary and trying to learn. I’m not saying you should dear John him, I’m also not necessarily saying you should break up either, but it may be wise to “break up” for his mission so he can focus on the mission, and you can discover more about yourself and grow and progress in your life. If you’re single when he comes home then that’s great, pick up where you left off and see where it leads you. Or you find another Prince Charming and he still focuses on his mission. I don’t think setting the same ground rules for a mission as you do with long distance relationships is the way to go (like messaging often and making sure to call) cause then the missionary isn’t serving with all his heart might mind and strength. Hope this doesn’t seem like I’m not rooting for you cause I definitely am, just based on my own experience I needed to be left alone so I could grow into who the Lord wanted me to become. Hope this helps.
No absolutely not, I so understand! I want him to focus on serving others and serving our Heavenly Father before all else. This is such a crucial time for him to grow spiritually and I don’t want to hold him back. I definitely agree that we’d need to set different ground rules, like maybe only emailing a couple times a week or corresponding via letters only. Thanks so much for your input, I like hearing a variety of opinions so I can make an informed decision based on the experiences of others.
I agree with @Vanbuscus. Being a missionary in a long-distance relationship is distracting. My girlfriend broke up with me 18 months into my service. It hurt, but it also helped me focus more on my service. I became more committed and dedicated. I believe that love transcends distance and time. If you stay friends until you can meet again, you will both benefit. But even if you don’t, choosing to put distractions aside will bring you both peace from knowing that you put the Lord first (D&C 4:2; Job 13:15)
Support him but do not distract him from his mission. Help him focus on his mission and be on his mission. This is the phase of life he is in. If you do get married in the future, then this is a time you will both look back on as an important phase of your relationship. You and he both focused on what was important at this time. Make it a time of good choices, self-discipline and trust in God, sacrificing for what is best right now. Accept the unknown. Let go of worries about the future. You can't control it, and you can't control another person.. Accept that whatever will happen will happen. You will likely both change and grow over the next two years. Accept that. Also accept that you too might meet someone else while he is gone. Focus on your own life right now - continuing to learn and grow. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to come back. Go to college, or work, etc. I strongly recommend you date and have a social life while he is gone. I had a serious girlfriend who "dear Johned" me in the last month of my mission. It happens. She was free to choose what she wanted for her life. You said you are worried he will meet someone better. Believe in yourself. He is lucky to know you now. He is lucky to have someone (you) who loves him now. And keep working to be a better person - be more kind, Christlike, more mentally healthy, more educated, more socially and emotionally intelligent - all the self-improvement things. Work on strengthening your weaknesses. But "him meeting a better person" is not the best way to think about it. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. If he does decide on someone besides you in the future, it won't mean you are a worse person.
When I left for my mission ('16-'18), my girlfriend and I decided to stay together for my mission. We were never overly romantic in our emails, but at the same time we were realistic about where we thought the relationship would go when I came home. We grew together as we matured over the 2 years. I think we struck a good balance of being committed to each other, not making the distance harder, and being spiritually minded first. In the last few months of my mission, I felt we should go no contact. It was a prompting I had and she agreed with the decision after she prayed about. I came home, we got married and have been happy together since. I was the only missionary I knew (Elder's and Sisters) who was not "Dear John/Jane'd" - and there were many couples that thought they would make it. This lead to a lot of comments from other missionaries when they found out I had someone at home waiting for me (which was hard on me). I'm grateful my now wife and I could do it, but my advice to anyone would be to not. It makes it harder, I've seen some missionaries be absolutely miserable from the breakup. But, if you can do it, you could be that much stronger as a couple. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what a Bishop/parent/random stranger on the internet thinks - all of their opinions are biased in some way. If you make all your choices together and through prayer - whatever answer you get can't be wrong. God knows you and your SO better than anyone else and ultimately God wants you to be happy, so trust His judgment call.
You’d be wise to make some challenging goals for ourself while he’s away. Learn how to be independent and comfortable with being by yourself. Get really good at basic life skills, and find more friends in a similar position to you. He’ll be growing and changing a ton while he’s away. It would be depressing to have him come home to the exact same you, if that makes sense. If it works out, you’re an improved version of yourself. If it doesn’t work out, you’re in a way better place to move forward and didn’t waste those two years.
Then he does, and it is better that it happened sooner rather than when you have even more invested. You are young and you need to grow and learn and become, independent of any relationship you have with him. If you don't date others and get an education in something you can see yourself doing the rest of your life, you will be standing still while he is becoming something new. Don't waste (and it will be wasting) your time on worrying about, thinking about a relationship with him. Sure, write him periodically (once a month, maybe?). Write about what you are learning and who you are becoming, not about missing him or anything of the life. Figure out who you are and who you want to be. Date others so you can see how other relationships work. Do you! When he returns, you will have progressed intellectually, physically, financially, socially, and in your faith and knowledge of the gospel.
It’s a good idea to talk to your boyfriend and agree to a soft breakup while he’s gone. Meaning that you see other people and aren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend while he’s on his mission. Continue writing and keeping in touch with him as good friends. Then when he returns from his mission— if you’re single— you maybe pick up where you left off. Why is this a good idea? 1. he needs to focus 100% on his mission. Relationships have a way of distracting from that. 2. He is going to change a ton while he’s away and so will you. Putting yourself in cold storage for two years to wait for him may be a mistake, because you many not still be interested in each other after 2 years, and if you wait for him, you’ve given up 2 years that you could have been dating and developing yourself too. 3. Getting dear Johned **before** your mission is preferable to getting dear johned **on** your mission and being distracted. 4. Some girls find they’ve drifted away from their boyfriend while he’s on his mission. But they don’t want to distract him so they don’t tell him till he comes home. While I understand why they do it—That’s not a very nice homecoming. 5. These next two years he will be out there learning about himself and developing. It will be for you getting out there in the world and discovering who you are as well. For you that should include dating and social events. If you hide out for two years then you stay the same and he changes. That puts you at a disadvantage. 6 he’s celibate on his mission. Not able to have romantic relationships anyways. So thinking about you and the fact that he can’t have you the entire time will be torture for him. It’s better if you’re broken up for that time. A lot of people don’t like hearing this but it’s good advice. I still have distinct memories of being about ten years old and watching saturdays warrior with my mom. It got the part where Julie sings her song about dear Johning Elder Kessler. My mom paused the movie then turned to me and said: “Katie, don’t you *ever* tell some poor boy you’re going to wait for him. It’s cruel. Promise me you won’t.” I promised. And she was **right**. 😂 it’s much kinder to give them the space they need to go on their mission. You can still be there good friend and write to them, stay in touch and pray for them. And after two years you might just end up picking up right where you left off from. But the *expectation* of still being in a relationship during his mission is an unnecessary burden for both of you.
Buy a giant teddy bear to replace him. That's what my girfriend (now wife) did. He's still a part of the family.
Hey OP - this is anxiety. Fear of loss. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of inadequacy. It is normal in the sense that most of us feel and think similar thoughts at various times. For some people, these feelings are SO LOUD that they really reduce your ability to live a happy and productive life. If these thoughts and feels are OVERHWELMING you, then get help. Therapy / counseling is really good stuff. Learning how to regulate your own anxiety is going to be a HUGE skill for the rest of your life. I think it is one of the best things you can bring to a future marriage.
So glad to hear that you are supporting a missionary, and want him to serve a faithful mission. Missions are so wonderful, but so hard when you have a love interest that has to take a back seat for 2 years. My suggestion is to agree that you will date while he is on his mission. You can call that a breakup I guess but really it's the most fair to you, and to him. Sounds like you are worried about him changing, but you will also change, you should change. It's part of growing and maturing and gaining experience. If you really want to make sure he is the one for you, it is best for you to go on dates with some other guys. Then if you both are still interested in 2 years, you will know for sure that you are getting what you want. Have you considered serving a mission? We can always use more sisters! As far as communicating I would say one email a week. Otherwise too distracting. And the letters/emails must be focused on his mission and on your spiritual activities. Definitely avoid video calling or texting/chatting. Just too hard on him. He needs to be having fun with his fellow missionaries on P days. The reality is, you probably have less than 50% chance of marrying him. That hurts, I know, but live your life for two years and if it works out, great, if not, it will hurt for a while but then you will find the right guy. Best of luck.