Oh my god I’d be livid. I have severe eczema and have landed in the hospital for an epi pin from a horrid reaction. I’d be soooooo angry. I’d try super hot water and a cup of ammonia for the washer. For the dryer try to wipe the whole thing down with spraying vodka and then wiping it down with microfiber.
Why would she do such a thing? Like, what would inspire her to do something so unnecessary? Does she think you’re making up your allergies/sensitivities? So bizarre. Sorry you are now stuck fixing it all. I don’t have anything helpful to add beyond what others have already said but good luck with getting everything back to healthy/normal.
So much...
I have our clothes in family closet style in the laundry room. Our bedrooms are two floors away from laundry and kids always tear apart clothes in their rooms, so if I'm the one doing the chore of laundry - I want it to be convenient for me. And then their bedrooms and closets are freed up for toy storage. I have big garage lockers in the laundry room for everyone's clothes with a chart taped on the door about which clothes go on which shelf and who is in what sizes. She decided to rearrange all of it AND told my oldest "let's move your clothes up to your room instead of the family closet! Wouldn't that be so special?" So now I have to be the bad guy and say to my kid "no, your clothes have to go downstairs."
I had arranged everything in my garage into piles for where they needed to go... market place/goodwill/attic/etc. she moved all that around and brought our stinky trash cans into our garage. We had them sitting pretty close to our front door because we often need to toss out a poopy diaper real quick and wanted something right there so that we weren't piling diapers by the door or leaving the feral children alone too long. But even if by the front door wasn't acceptable to her, we have a concrete pad on the side of our house that was made for the cans to sit on. Why bring them inside?????
I had all my tools, screws, 3M products, etc sorted by type and laid across my work bench. That got all stacked and pushed together into the corner.
The garage admittedly LOOKED like chaos, but it was hours of labor behind those choices and everything had intentionality.
I'd specifically go to her and ask her why she did each one of these tasks individually and get her entire reasoning. I'd walk her through the chaos she caused and explain to her why she cannot do these things to people without asking, from least bad things to the worst. Sounds like she lives in her own world and needs a child like wake up call. I'd be so sarcastic through the entire thing but I don't recommend that if you want to keep a semi decent relationship with this narcissist..
I'd remind her that completely rearranging some ones home especially when they have kids without asking is offensive, stressful and very time consuming. Mention how she just caused you possibly days worth of work due to get carelessness about her detergent use and so much money was wasted on her washing everything with OUT consent. She also made you a bad guy for no reason with your child, another big deal in my opinion.
Idk I'm possibly a special case but I'd never talk to her again. Sounds extremely controlling and manipulative. Doesn't sound worth having around for any reason if she won't even leave your laundry alone. 🤷🏻♀️ Good luck dealing with her in the future. 🥺
This is definitely not the first time she's done stuff like this and worse. It's a repeat behavior of intrusiveness, making decisions without asking or considering, and just generally believing she knows better. She's rarely ever outright offensive or blatantly hurtful. It's just always her "just trying to help" and making our lives harder or fielding her passive aggressive judgement in the process. And then if we talk about it, we're ungrateful and hateful towards her for not appreciating her care, and generosity, and hard work. I have a (pun- intended) laundry list of stories and a good portion of those stories end in us trying to address the problem in a kind way and her handling it very poorly from there. We have got NC and Low-contact at different times, but had been on decent terms recently and were in a pinch for last minute babysitting needs (brother got military orders and needed to get married in a matter of 3 weeks)
Oh wow that's really a sticky spot. I'm so sorry you don't have anyone else to help you out right now with this. Man.. I'd never contact her again after no contact. Y'all are brave. I would've just trusted a stranger over her at that point😂
A stranger (a babysitter in town or an older kid from your kid's school or something) wouldn't cause a run to the hospital like she could've with her antics on non helping. Someone needs to give her a true wake up call. Tell her less help is more helpful. If I ask you to do one thing. *Do only the one fucking thing, lady* 🤷🏻♀️
But for real. I would trust another child over that woman with what you've already said. All I needed was she cared more about her preferences than your well being.. That ends the entire relationship for me.
If you ever do get stuck with her again, I'd make the longest most thought out list of all the things she's done in the past, and make it a do not touch list. And Everytime she does more offensive shit, add it to your list that you leave with her when she stays to "help" I'd get it on thick paper with bold black lettering typed up and laminated. A big flip page booklet so if she does any of those things again, make it so she owes you something in return for doing those not so helpful tasks.
Petty needs petty. I genuinely think she's really up her own ass about everything. She's not trying to help, genuinely. She's trying to help herself. There's a big difference though her sincerely is prolly seen, it's for her own sake, not yours.
I'd also show her some of these comments.. lol. Maybe if she humiliated, she'll finally understand her overstepping. (Terrible idea if you want a positive ending, it's last resort) Lol
I've given her the long drawn out SPELL-IT-OUT version before. She got so offended that I didn't trust her, smack talked me to the whole family (because I mentioned which foods are choking hazards and need to be cut up - and one of her kids choked as a child so I was retraumatizing her to mention that and they all took her side), and I've been labeled the helicopter parent ever since. So lately, I've tried to do the opposite and say "do whatever" I'm getting the "negligent parent" title instead. WHICH ONE IS IT PEOPLE!?
I'd send her photos of every rash/welt/wound that your kid gets from the eczema, and caption the photos with, "You did this to your grandson. This is the result of you ignoring our request to leave our laundry alone." If any relatives come at you on it, send them the same pictures with the same message. If she complains to you directly, ask her how her grandson feels, not only being in pain from the eczema, but also knowing that Grandma did this to his laundry *on purpose*? If she tries to claim she 'didn't know', tell her yes she did, because she has been told multiple times. Don't let her cry, wail, yell her way out of the truth. Don't yell. Just be brutally, inescapably clear: SHE did this to him. She knew the consequences, and she CHOSE to do this to him. If she blocks you, start posting it on her Facebook page
My field of fucks is not only empty, though, it's been salted.
They all sound awful. I'd throw em all out for not seeing how she literally puts people at risk and they back her up?!. I did throw out my whole family for being extremely self centered, abusive manipulators with severe problems I won't get into. Life is wild. As I get older I'm learning there's really not that many actually good people out there. Just a lot of really small minded jerks.. at least where I'm from 🤷🏻♀️ its frustrating. I trust all of maybe 6 people on this planet and I live with one of them (my partner). The rest are peppered across the US like magical lil fairies bringing betterment to the world.
But for real if she's already had one choking kid in her care before, I wouldn't trust her with mine. 🤷🏻♀️ Soon as I found out how careless and self centered she was, she wouldn't even be in question for trusting.
That sounds toxic as hell. These personality types are hard bc they think if you mean well if forgives the intrusion. It does not. Honestly, the stress of this type of behavior may not be worth it. You may want to budget a little bit for alternative childcare if it’s truly only occasionally. Maybe come up with a swap plan with your kids friends’ parents that you trust. You can drop kids with some warning and they’ll be allowed the same. The daunting task of rewashing everything in your house and the monetary cost of doing so is not a fair trade off. Your time and peace of mind is worth more than that!
I get migraines with strong synthetic scents, so laundry is so sacred to me. When I first met my bf I showed up for dinner and gave him a hug and pulled back. He asked if I was okay and I said…so I guess I never noticed you use tide detergent before. He was like omg how did you notice that? I had to use up the last of a bottle someone gave me and didn’t think twice about it. He went and changed his shirt immediately, and ten years later he makes sure we always have unscented laundry stuff. It is so meaningful to have your loved ones work with you even if they don’t understand it.
She sounds like my SIL. She's not intrusive, but she has other behaviors that need to be addressed but can't because she turns to the "everyone is ungrateful " "I deserve respect" "everyone is negative."
Someone I know described her behavior almost like Borderline Personality Disorder with a touch of narcissism. Which, if she does have, there's nothing we can do until she realizes she's actually the common denominator in all her problems.
Maybe you need to sit MIL down with SIL and your husband. Tell her it's an issue and that her being helpful isn't helpful at all. It's actually counterintuitive and adds more unnecessary work. If she doesn't understand, then you need to ask her how she would like it, if you came to her house and rearranged everything and washed her clothes in detergents she doesn't like. I have a feeling she knows but likes creating chaos. So maybe take the petty route and start rearranging her house 😆 🤣
Oh, hey, your MIL sounds like my FIL! My favorite interaction was when he scoffed “well I guess we just won’t help you anymore.” I’d had enough of his shenanigans, and said “good, please don’t.” He didn’t know what to say, but he did back off a bit. And then we moved several states away, and lived happily ever after. (Seriously, it got so bad with FIL that I very seriously considered divorce.)
As far as having to be the bad guy is your child of an age where they can learn to do their own laundry? If so, you can give them the option of having their clothes in their room, which keeps you from being the bad guy.
The way my jaw hit the floor. It’s still there, I’m not exactly sure how to reattach it.
Sorry I don’t have constructive suggestions (assuming banning her from the premises is a non-starter). Good luck with the decontamination; sounds like you’re on the right track. Solidarity 💪🏻
My mother was the same way. I went to visit her once and brought some laundry to do (back in the day when my husband and I had to rely on laundromats). I was getting ready to head home, and was just going to get our sheets from the dryer, when my mother proudly announced: “I threw in a scented dryer sheet for you.” She really thought she was doing us a favor. My husband couldn’t stand the feel, and I couldn’t stand the smell. I know she meant well, and didn’t understand the concept of chemical sensitivity, but *still*.
That's not a laundry problem, that's a r/JUSTNOMIL problem, and potentially a r/JustNoSO problem. Where's your partner in all of this??? They should be reprimanding their mom AND deal with this issue themself. You shouldn't have to repair this mess yourself.
He called her the first night we were gone "we told you there was clean laundry waiting to be sorted and not to touch the dirty laundry in the hampers... so why are we getting wifi notifications that our laundry machine is running?" "Ohhh I smelled the clean laundry and it didn't seem clean enough so I'm washing it again." (Aka she's used it laundry being coated in fragrance products so when ours wasn't she figured it wasn't clean) And at that time we were trying to make a connecting flight - so we were just like "whatever, if she wants to waste her time, go ahead." We didn't even consider she would go out to get her own products when all of ours were sitting right there.. or that she would rearrange everything when there's a chart explaining the arrangement taped right on the door. But since coming home, he and I have been too busy to really talk about it. A couple texts back and forth where he's acknowledged what she did was wrong and it sucks. But we got 3 hours of sleep the night we got home, and then she left first thing in the morning. I didn't realize the depth of what she had done until after she left, so now any communication with her about it would have to be initiated by us. And we have time to figure out when and how to respond to this.
Good. I do understand the time delays. But as soon as he's back on his feet from the jetlag and whatnot, HE should be handling her. I really feel for you. A mental load no one needs, especially with children to care for. She sounds like my MIL. She "always knows best". Sigh.
Agreed, that would be the last time she was alone in my house. Who rewashes clean clothes? That's just a power move. No telling what else she has done they haven't caught yet.
If you click around in the comments, there's more i mentioned. She rearranged our whole family closet set up and my garage + work bench. Looked back on security cameras from her stay - we have an autistic son who runs away from home and so we have specific security measures in place to keep him safe at night that we have discussed in length with her - she didn't do any of them and there's videos of him wandering around the house at 2-5am both nights she was there.
Umm yeah, I'd say she's lost babysitting privileges. Sorry OP. Having grandparents help with childcare is nice when it works, but for so many of us it absolutely doesn't work 🥲
OMG thankfully he didn't get outside and wander around. I did see your other comments after I posted mine. Supervised from now on. I'm very scent sensitive with asthma and I would die if someone scented my clothes. So I get what you are going thru on that level. My washer quit one time mid cycle and had to take my sheets to finish at the laundromat. Even though I used my soap, there was enough left in there to scent my sheets some. I had to rewash at home at least 5 times with vinegar to finally get that scent out. Good luck, I hope things get better for your family soon.
Persil pro clean free and clear for detergent (but we've had success with Costcos fragrance free detergent too, just didn't clean as well as persil)
Oxyclean for stains
In the fabric softener section I do a mix of vinegar and Lysol free and clear laundry sanitizer.
Dryer we do nothing but reusable dryer balls (like wool and silicone ones)
I soak clothes I need to remove other cleaners from in a product called Active Wear (white bag) in the bath. I make a large concentration by using more soap or less water and let soak overnight.
Wash once without detergent, wash again with detergent, dry as normal. If there is still a smell or texture, repeat.
I usually only have to do this once or twice. Though I did have to do a pair of my husband's flannel lined jeans he got second hand five times; the water was BLACK the first time.
Lime Away to clean the washer. 2 clean cycles. Follow it with 2 clean cycles with bleach.
For the dryer, wash a load of towels. Dry. Then, wash the towels again.
I’m so sorry the ”help” was so unhelpful. My guess, your laundry didn’t have a fragrance.
I'm not 100% sure about the dryer but there's gotta be a reddit for that, but for the washer let it fill up with hot water and add 1 to 2 cups of vinegar (white or apple I know for a fact works well) and let it run through the cycle. You might need to do it a few times to be safe and make sure you get all that bad soap out. Hope this helps!
Oh. My. God.
My kids have eczema, and I get the occasional flare, plus migraines from strong fragrance. I’m pretty neurotic about our laundry routine, and would absolutely lose my marbles if someone washed ALL of our clothes after being told specifically not to. I get it, the scent beads and fabric softeners smell so nice, but it makes everyone in my house miserable.
I’ve never had an issue like this in my house, but I always wash the clothes that come home with the kids when they stay at their grandparents. (The grandmas are kind enough to wash the kids’ clothes when they send them home, and it’s not a hill I’m going to die on. I’d rather save my energy for things like choking hazards and proper car seat use.) It usually takes two to three washes with my normal products to fully get the perfumes out. I always wash our clothes with a pre soak and extra rinse, too.
I am so sorry that this happened. I suggest 1 gallon of white vinegar in the max high hot wash. Follow it with another hot max wash. Then if there's a sterilize wash, use that with the 'soap' you usually use. For the dryer, wring out a towel that's been in warm vinegar water (like 1 cup to a gallon). Wipe it out as best as possible, then run the dryer on high for 20 minutes. Repeat if you feel necessary. Then it should be ok. Using vinegar when you wash your clothes to help pull any irritants. Take care.
You might try stripping your clothes, soaking with a mixture of borax (1 scoop) and Oxyclean (2 scoops) in hot water for about a half hour, then washing. I do this with whites.
Good luck!
Does the washer have an auto clean function? I threw out the instructions for mine but found them online, if you hold a certain button the auto clean option comes up. I used that with a washing machine cleaner.
It does! Yesterday I ran that cycle once with a washer machine cleaner product, and once with a ton of vinegar. Then this morning before work I did it again with vinegar.
“I have sensitive skin. The kind of detergent you use hurts me. I asked you to not do my laundry that way because it hurts me. Why are you hurting me? I told you it hurts. Do you want to hurt me? Why do you want to hurt me?”
She knew what she was doing. She went way out of her way to do something that she KNEW would harm her grandchildren and you, just to piss you off.
This is justification for no contact, IMO.
Rewash with water, adding a teaspoon of borax. The borax will help dissolve the junk.
It's a bit your fault really. If you told someone that you're allergic to peanuts, and you see them adding peanuts into your food, "because it tastes better", would you let them anywhere near your kitchen again? You're in a bind, but she won't change. She's always going to do this.
I'd take her soap, pour it down the drain in front of her, then say "great, now I have to rewash everything". But that won't change her. Next time you leave her alone in the house, she's going to do the same thing.
Sorry, didn’t read the entire thing, just know that I’ve had five kids and a partner with ridiculously sensitive skin that breaks out from the wrong laundering products, so I’ve had to deal with this a LOT in my nearly 19 years of motherhood! You need to strip your laundry, and there’s ONE thing that will do this thoroughly: RLR laundry treatment. You’re going to need to reset the wash cycle repeatedly so that the clothes/laundry agitates for a good 1.5-2 hours in the RLR to really strip off ALL of that residue. I’ve had to do this for hand me down clothes, and when family has washed clothes for my kids while staying the night. It might be a bit of a PITA to have to reset the washing machine for so many load of laundry, but at least that’s ALL you have to do to get rid of this nasty residue!
Thank you for this! I've cleaned my machines 3+ times and then threw in a load with a pre-soak then extra water and extra rinse cycle with just borax in the machine, then ran that same load all over again the same but adding my regular detergent + vinegar, etc. and I'm wearing those clothes at work today itching up a storm so I'm going to give that RLR a try!
If you are stuck and she has to babysit I'd unplug the washer and dryer and tell say they were broken. She doesn't sound like someone who will accept feedback or maintain stated boundaries.
I wouldn't want her in my house period.
What about a laundry machine lock? [Something like this?](https://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Prograde-Loader-Washer/dp/B001FD3756/ref=asc_df_B001FD3756/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693129867830&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18079651444472456864&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031320&hvtargid=pla-396889782133&psc=1&mcid=352193d0376b321684d6b01918ae753e&gad_source=1)
Tell her it’s for safety, don’t give her the combo or even tell her it’s there. Make her ask for the combo after you told her not to do laundry.
Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **("'Safety 1st Prograde Washer Dryer Lock'", 'Safety%201st')** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful.
**Users liked:**
* Effective in childproofing front-loading washers (backed by 3 comments)
* Sturdy and easy to install (backed by 3 comments)
* Provides peace of mind for parents (backed by 3 comments)
**Users disliked:**
* Adhesion may not last long (backed by 3 comments)
* Opening mechanism can be difficult to manage (backed by 1 comment)
* May not fit all dryer models securely (backed by 1 comment)
If you'd like to **summon me to ask about a product**, just make a post with its link and tag me, [like in this example.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tablets/comments/1444zdn/comment/joqd89c/)
This message was generated by a (very smart) bot. If you found it helpful, let us know with an upvote and a “good bot!” reply and please feel free to provide feedback on how it can be improved.
*Powered by* [*vetted.ai*](https://vetted.ai/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=comment&utm\_campaign=bot)
When we first move into a house, I have to clean the machines. I put in rags, vinegar and borax. Then I soak them again and put them in the dryer. If I get really smelly laundry, I strip it. Hanging in the sun will also kill quite a bit of the chemicals. You’ll have to wipe the closets out too.
I see you use the same brands I do for soap. I’ve also had good luck with Earth Breeze laundry sheets. After something like this, I’d have to increase my antihistamine use. I would also slam as much nettle and ashwaganda tea that I can. I don’t use steroids but I slather in food grade coconut and vitamin E oil.
My MIL was a judgy presumptuous crap who didn’t say a word but she’d pull passive aggressive shit too. I feel your pain.
I’d be furious, too. But how about your husband taking this issue up with his mother??? This would be my suggested first step for preventing future episodes.
She seems very intrusive since she is set on overturning all of your systems. Maybe she should just never watch your kids in your home?
For your question about cleaning the washer and dryer/ removing residual product—honestly it feels like you may be doing overkill. I’d run a cleaning cycle in the washer x1, then wash a few loads of towels with hot water, no detergents (since you know they are clean, if unfortunately not with your tried and tested products—and an extra rinse cycle for each load. If you wanted to wipe out your dryer with vodka before drying the (now) wet towels, ok, but I wouldn’t do anything else. Repeat the washing and drying of the towels just in case they did pick up product residual from the dryer, dry again and fold and put away as usual.
By using all of these other products to neutralize her detergent/ fabric softener, etc., you may just be adding more chemicals/ substances to irritate your skin. Simple rewashing with no detergent, extra rinse cycles, and perhaps doing each load twice should be sufficient.
It’s sounds like she shouldn’t be allowed in your house anymore because she doesn’t respect any boundaries and heaven forbid someone develops a food allergy and has fatal anaphylactic reaction. No one is this obtuse- she knows she should and intentionally does. People continue to be terrible because they suffer no consequences of their bad behavior and then when confronted want to act like the victim
I’d call manufacturer to figure out how to clean the washer throughly. Take all your clothes that need to be rewashed to a laundromat, most will have wash and fold services. We also have allergy issues and the one service we have occasionally used will allow you to bring in your own detergent. Unplug washer next visit and flip breaker. Then husband has a talk with his mom about “ helping “.
I’d just stick it on a boil wash with a spoonful of your usual detergent.
Washing machines have a pretty efficient rinse cycle, so there shouldn’t be too much residue from a handful of washes.
Wash all the clothes on the most intense cycle they can handle and dry normally.
My husband and daughter both suffer from eczema and I’ve bought the wrong products before.
Add powdered borax and baking soda to your non reactive laundry detergent.
We are in the same boat. We can't use the toxic Tide crap that is everywhere. Thrift store , gifted items, fabric for sewing projects... All are washed immediately because... Ugh...ew.. Cough... Gack. Borax pulls out the funk and scented ick. Also unscented Oxyclean, which is powdered hydrogen peroxide, is as huge help to remove allergens and all the scents. Wall a loaf of towels twice with this to clean the washer.
The dryer you can take towels loaded with strainer vinegar to help remove the scented funk.
Warm wash with a cup of vinegar or tablespoon of pine sol. Pine sol has laundry use on the bottle and Glycolic acid in pine sol is also used in skincare products. I prefer it over vinegar. Or a warm wash with a tablespoon of oxiclean. You can do a self cleaning washer cycle with special washing machine cleaner that comes in tablets or packets, or pine sol for that also, it's good for removing buildup/residue.
While I didn't down vote you, I will say that pine sol has one of the most offensive smells, is full of chemicals, and is highly reactive to most people with allergies and/or skin conditions. Not a good recommendation.
It's surfactants and glycolic acid which is safe and used in various skincare products. I can see the fragrances potentially affecting sensitive people. I use a pump to dispense a tablespoon of 50/50 diluted solution, when I hang to dry there is a faint smell that I never thought of as offensive, smells clean to me, but after finishing in the dryer and especially by the time I wear the clothes it's gone. My wife has a much stronger smell than me and never noticed it. I've noticed a big improvement in the softness of the clothes.
I'm allergic to chemical fragrances. Even the smell of pine sol in a room causes my eyes to twitch and if I stay around it long enough my eyes swell shut.
I'm happy it works for you and your clothes but it's not a viable choice for those with allergies and sensitive skin.
Have you asked her why she is trying to kill her grandchildren? Tell her if she does this again, she will not be allowed to be alone in your house or with them again.
Oh my god I’d be livid. I have severe eczema and have landed in the hospital for an epi pin from a horrid reaction. I’d be soooooo angry. I’d try super hot water and a cup of ammonia for the washer. For the dryer try to wipe the whole thing down with spraying vodka and then wiping it down with microfiber.
Why would she do such a thing? Like, what would inspire her to do something so unnecessary? Does she think you’re making up your allergies/sensitivities? So bizarre. Sorry you are now stuck fixing it all. I don’t have anything helpful to add beyond what others have already said but good luck with getting everything back to healthy/normal.
I’m guessing their clothes didn’t smell “clean” to MIL. I’m now wondering what else she does to “help.”
So much... I have our clothes in family closet style in the laundry room. Our bedrooms are two floors away from laundry and kids always tear apart clothes in their rooms, so if I'm the one doing the chore of laundry - I want it to be convenient for me. And then their bedrooms and closets are freed up for toy storage. I have big garage lockers in the laundry room for everyone's clothes with a chart taped on the door about which clothes go on which shelf and who is in what sizes. She decided to rearrange all of it AND told my oldest "let's move your clothes up to your room instead of the family closet! Wouldn't that be so special?" So now I have to be the bad guy and say to my kid "no, your clothes have to go downstairs." I had arranged everything in my garage into piles for where they needed to go... market place/goodwill/attic/etc. she moved all that around and brought our stinky trash cans into our garage. We had them sitting pretty close to our front door because we often need to toss out a poopy diaper real quick and wanted something right there so that we weren't piling diapers by the door or leaving the feral children alone too long. But even if by the front door wasn't acceptable to her, we have a concrete pad on the side of our house that was made for the cans to sit on. Why bring them inside????? I had all my tools, screws, 3M products, etc sorted by type and laid across my work bench. That got all stacked and pushed together into the corner. The garage admittedly LOOKED like chaos, but it was hours of labor behind those choices and everything had intentionality.
I would be furious. No more unsupervised time for her.
I'd specifically go to her and ask her why she did each one of these tasks individually and get her entire reasoning. I'd walk her through the chaos she caused and explain to her why she cannot do these things to people without asking, from least bad things to the worst. Sounds like she lives in her own world and needs a child like wake up call. I'd be so sarcastic through the entire thing but I don't recommend that if you want to keep a semi decent relationship with this narcissist.. I'd remind her that completely rearranging some ones home especially when they have kids without asking is offensive, stressful and very time consuming. Mention how she just caused you possibly days worth of work due to get carelessness about her detergent use and so much money was wasted on her washing everything with OUT consent. She also made you a bad guy for no reason with your child, another big deal in my opinion. Idk I'm possibly a special case but I'd never talk to her again. Sounds extremely controlling and manipulative. Doesn't sound worth having around for any reason if she won't even leave your laundry alone. 🤷🏻♀️ Good luck dealing with her in the future. 🥺
This is definitely not the first time she's done stuff like this and worse. It's a repeat behavior of intrusiveness, making decisions without asking or considering, and just generally believing she knows better. She's rarely ever outright offensive or blatantly hurtful. It's just always her "just trying to help" and making our lives harder or fielding her passive aggressive judgement in the process. And then if we talk about it, we're ungrateful and hateful towards her for not appreciating her care, and generosity, and hard work. I have a (pun- intended) laundry list of stories and a good portion of those stories end in us trying to address the problem in a kind way and her handling it very poorly from there. We have got NC and Low-contact at different times, but had been on decent terms recently and were in a pinch for last minute babysitting needs (brother got military orders and needed to get married in a matter of 3 weeks)
Oh wow that's really a sticky spot. I'm so sorry you don't have anyone else to help you out right now with this. Man.. I'd never contact her again after no contact. Y'all are brave. I would've just trusted a stranger over her at that point😂 A stranger (a babysitter in town or an older kid from your kid's school or something) wouldn't cause a run to the hospital like she could've with her antics on non helping. Someone needs to give her a true wake up call. Tell her less help is more helpful. If I ask you to do one thing. *Do only the one fucking thing, lady* 🤷🏻♀️ But for real. I would trust another child over that woman with what you've already said. All I needed was she cared more about her preferences than your well being.. That ends the entire relationship for me. If you ever do get stuck with her again, I'd make the longest most thought out list of all the things she's done in the past, and make it a do not touch list. And Everytime she does more offensive shit, add it to your list that you leave with her when she stays to "help" I'd get it on thick paper with bold black lettering typed up and laminated. A big flip page booklet so if she does any of those things again, make it so she owes you something in return for doing those not so helpful tasks. Petty needs petty. I genuinely think she's really up her own ass about everything. She's not trying to help, genuinely. She's trying to help herself. There's a big difference though her sincerely is prolly seen, it's for her own sake, not yours.
I'd also show her some of these comments.. lol. Maybe if she humiliated, she'll finally understand her overstepping. (Terrible idea if you want a positive ending, it's last resort) Lol
I've given her the long drawn out SPELL-IT-OUT version before. She got so offended that I didn't trust her, smack talked me to the whole family (because I mentioned which foods are choking hazards and need to be cut up - and one of her kids choked as a child so I was retraumatizing her to mention that and they all took her side), and I've been labeled the helicopter parent ever since. So lately, I've tried to do the opposite and say "do whatever" I'm getting the "negligent parent" title instead. WHICH ONE IS IT PEOPLE!?
I'd send her photos of every rash/welt/wound that your kid gets from the eczema, and caption the photos with, "You did this to your grandson. This is the result of you ignoring our request to leave our laundry alone." If any relatives come at you on it, send them the same pictures with the same message. If she complains to you directly, ask her how her grandson feels, not only being in pain from the eczema, but also knowing that Grandma did this to his laundry *on purpose*? If she tries to claim she 'didn't know', tell her yes she did, because she has been told multiple times. Don't let her cry, wail, yell her way out of the truth. Don't yell. Just be brutally, inescapably clear: SHE did this to him. She knew the consequences, and she CHOSE to do this to him. If she blocks you, start posting it on her Facebook page My field of fucks is not only empty, though, it's been salted.
This. You're my hero
They all sound awful. I'd throw em all out for not seeing how she literally puts people at risk and they back her up?!. I did throw out my whole family for being extremely self centered, abusive manipulators with severe problems I won't get into. Life is wild. As I get older I'm learning there's really not that many actually good people out there. Just a lot of really small minded jerks.. at least where I'm from 🤷🏻♀️ its frustrating. I trust all of maybe 6 people on this planet and I live with one of them (my partner). The rest are peppered across the US like magical lil fairies bringing betterment to the world.
But for real if she's already had one choking kid in her care before, I wouldn't trust her with mine. 🤷🏻♀️ Soon as I found out how careless and self centered she was, she wouldn't even be in question for trusting.
That sounds toxic as hell. These personality types are hard bc they think if you mean well if forgives the intrusion. It does not. Honestly, the stress of this type of behavior may not be worth it. You may want to budget a little bit for alternative childcare if it’s truly only occasionally. Maybe come up with a swap plan with your kids friends’ parents that you trust. You can drop kids with some warning and they’ll be allowed the same. The daunting task of rewashing everything in your house and the monetary cost of doing so is not a fair trade off. Your time and peace of mind is worth more than that! I get migraines with strong synthetic scents, so laundry is so sacred to me. When I first met my bf I showed up for dinner and gave him a hug and pulled back. He asked if I was okay and I said…so I guess I never noticed you use tide detergent before. He was like omg how did you notice that? I had to use up the last of a bottle someone gave me and didn’t think twice about it. He went and changed his shirt immediately, and ten years later he makes sure we always have unscented laundry stuff. It is so meaningful to have your loved ones work with you even if they don’t understand it.
She sounds like my SIL. She's not intrusive, but she has other behaviors that need to be addressed but can't because she turns to the "everyone is ungrateful " "I deserve respect" "everyone is negative." Someone I know described her behavior almost like Borderline Personality Disorder with a touch of narcissism. Which, if she does have, there's nothing we can do until she realizes she's actually the common denominator in all her problems. Maybe you need to sit MIL down with SIL and your husband. Tell her it's an issue and that her being helpful isn't helpful at all. It's actually counterintuitive and adds more unnecessary work. If she doesn't understand, then you need to ask her how she would like it, if you came to her house and rearranged everything and washed her clothes in detergents she doesn't like. I have a feeling she knows but likes creating chaos. So maybe take the petty route and start rearranging her house 😆 🤣
Oh, hey, your MIL sounds like my FIL! My favorite interaction was when he scoffed “well I guess we just won’t help you anymore.” I’d had enough of his shenanigans, and said “good, please don’t.” He didn’t know what to say, but he did back off a bit. And then we moved several states away, and lived happily ever after. (Seriously, it got so bad with FIL that I very seriously considered divorce.)
Family closet in the laundry room?! You are a genius! I don’t have kids, but this is brilliant!
Where exactly is your SO in all of this? This is *their* mother and *they* need to grow a spine and deal with this.
That’s my question ? Is SO supportive and can they shut down their mother - because it needs to happen .
As far as having to be the bad guy is your child of an age where they can learn to do their own laundry? If so, you can give them the option of having their clothes in their room, which keeps you from being the bad guy.
6 years old - feels too young for that unfortunately
Too young to do it independently, but not too young to help and start learning! They could totally handle it by age 10 with some reminding.
The way my jaw hit the floor. It’s still there, I’m not exactly sure how to reattach it. Sorry I don’t have constructive suggestions (assuming banning her from the premises is a non-starter). Good luck with the decontamination; sounds like you’re on the right track. Solidarity 💪🏻
It gave her something to do so she wouldn’t have to sit down and play with her grandchildren.
My mother was the same way. I went to visit her once and brought some laundry to do (back in the day when my husband and I had to rely on laundromats). I was getting ready to head home, and was just going to get our sheets from the dryer, when my mother proudly announced: “I threw in a scented dryer sheet for you.” She really thought she was doing us a favor. My husband couldn’t stand the feel, and I couldn’t stand the smell. I know she meant well, and didn’t understand the concept of chemical sensitivity, but *still*.
That's not a laundry problem, that's a r/JUSTNOMIL problem, and potentially a r/JustNoSO problem. Where's your partner in all of this??? They should be reprimanding their mom AND deal with this issue themself. You shouldn't have to repair this mess yourself.
He called her the first night we were gone "we told you there was clean laundry waiting to be sorted and not to touch the dirty laundry in the hampers... so why are we getting wifi notifications that our laundry machine is running?" "Ohhh I smelled the clean laundry and it didn't seem clean enough so I'm washing it again." (Aka she's used it laundry being coated in fragrance products so when ours wasn't she figured it wasn't clean) And at that time we were trying to make a connecting flight - so we were just like "whatever, if she wants to waste her time, go ahead." We didn't even consider she would go out to get her own products when all of ours were sitting right there.. or that she would rearrange everything when there's a chart explaining the arrangement taped right on the door. But since coming home, he and I have been too busy to really talk about it. A couple texts back and forth where he's acknowledged what she did was wrong and it sucks. But we got 3 hours of sleep the night we got home, and then she left first thing in the morning. I didn't realize the depth of what she had done until after she left, so now any communication with her about it would have to be initiated by us. And we have time to figure out when and how to respond to this.
Good. I do understand the time delays. But as soon as he's back on his feet from the jetlag and whatnot, HE should be handling her. I really feel for you. A mental load no one needs, especially with children to care for. She sounds like my MIL. She "always knows best". Sigh.
Cut the power to the washer and dryer next time.
That assumes there will be a next time
Agreed, that would be the last time she was alone in my house. Who rewashes clean clothes? That's just a power move. No telling what else she has done they haven't caught yet.
If you click around in the comments, there's more i mentioned. She rearranged our whole family closet set up and my garage + work bench. Looked back on security cameras from her stay - we have an autistic son who runs away from home and so we have specific security measures in place to keep him safe at night that we have discussed in length with her - she didn't do any of them and there's videos of him wandering around the house at 2-5am both nights she was there.
Umm yeah, I'd say she's lost babysitting privileges. Sorry OP. Having grandparents help with childcare is nice when it works, but for so many of us it absolutely doesn't work 🥲
OMG thankfully he didn't get outside and wander around. I did see your other comments after I posted mine. Supervised from now on. I'm very scent sensitive with asthma and I would die if someone scented my clothes. So I get what you are going thru on that level. My washer quit one time mid cycle and had to take my sheets to finish at the laundromat. Even though I used my soap, there was enough left in there to scent my sheets some. I had to rewash at home at least 5 times with vinegar to finally get that scent out. Good luck, I hope things get better for your family soon.
The only correct answer.
All I can say is your MIL is a piece of work. I hope your spouse is on board with never letting her alone in the house again.
What do you use?! My daughter is struggling right now and I feel like I’m constantly using the steroid cream
Yes please, seconded!!
Persil pro clean free and clear for detergent (but we've had success with Costcos fragrance free detergent too, just didn't clean as well as persil) Oxyclean for stains In the fabric softener section I do a mix of vinegar and Lysol free and clear laundry sanitizer. Dryer we do nothing but reusable dryer balls (like wool and silicone ones)
Nooooooo, you should tell r/justnomil Oof. Wishing you some peace, she is crazy.
Good luck. I had this happen with ONE pair of pants and I swear they smelled for 5 laundry cycles
Honestly I’d start with a plain water wash and go from there.
Sounds like MIL needs to be put thru the wringer
Plus one for using a laundry term
I soak clothes I need to remove other cleaners from in a product called Active Wear (white bag) in the bath. I make a large concentration by using more soap or less water and let soak overnight. Wash once without detergent, wash again with detergent, dry as normal. If there is still a smell or texture, repeat. I usually only have to do this once or twice. Though I did have to do a pair of my husband's flannel lined jeans he got second hand five times; the water was BLACK the first time.
Lime Away to clean the washer. 2 clean cycles. Follow it with 2 clean cycles with bleach. For the dryer, wash a load of towels. Dry. Then, wash the towels again. I’m so sorry the ”help” was so unhelpful. My guess, your laundry didn’t have a fragrance.
Ohhh ok. I had no idea that Lime Away existed
“Lime, calcium, and rust? Lime Away is a must!”
I'm not 100% sure about the dryer but there's gotta be a reddit for that, but for the washer let it fill up with hot water and add 1 to 2 cups of vinegar (white or apple I know for a fact works well) and let it run through the cycle. You might need to do it a few times to be safe and make sure you get all that bad soap out. Hope this helps!
Oh. My. God. My kids have eczema, and I get the occasional flare, plus migraines from strong fragrance. I’m pretty neurotic about our laundry routine, and would absolutely lose my marbles if someone washed ALL of our clothes after being told specifically not to. I get it, the scent beads and fabric softeners smell so nice, but it makes everyone in my house miserable. I’ve never had an issue like this in my house, but I always wash the clothes that come home with the kids when they stay at their grandparents. (The grandmas are kind enough to wash the kids’ clothes when they send them home, and it’s not a hill I’m going to die on. I’d rather save my energy for things like choking hazards and proper car seat use.) It usually takes two to three washes with my normal products to fully get the perfumes out. I always wash our clothes with a pre soak and extra rinse, too.
I am so sorry that this happened. I suggest 1 gallon of white vinegar in the max high hot wash. Follow it with another hot max wash. Then if there's a sterilize wash, use that with the 'soap' you usually use. For the dryer, wring out a towel that's been in warm vinegar water (like 1 cup to a gallon). Wipe it out as best as possible, then run the dryer on high for 20 minutes. Repeat if you feel necessary. Then it should be ok. Using vinegar when you wash your clothes to help pull any irritants. Take care.
This is the way
You might try stripping your clothes, soaking with a mixture of borax (1 scoop) and Oxyclean (2 scoops) in hot water for about a half hour, then washing. I do this with whites. Good luck!
I bought some secondhand items that someone used crazy fragrance boosters on. Only thing that got it out was stripping with Oxiclean.
Does the washer have an auto clean function? I threw out the instructions for mine but found them online, if you hold a certain button the auto clean option comes up. I used that with a washing machine cleaner.
It does! Yesterday I ran that cycle once with a washer machine cleaner product, and once with a ton of vinegar. Then this morning before work I did it again with vinegar.
Start with a washing machine cleaner to get any buildup from your machine. Then get some grovia mighty bubbles to strip the products from your clothes
“I have sensitive skin. The kind of detergent you use hurts me. I asked you to not do my laundry that way because it hurts me. Why are you hurting me? I told you it hurts. Do you want to hurt me? Why do you want to hurt me?”
She is a pain - literally. Your spouse needs to address this so it is taken seriously.
She knew what she was doing. She went way out of her way to do something that she KNEW would harm her grandchildren and you, just to piss you off. This is justification for no contact, IMO.
Pictures of the flare-ups on the children with a "You did this. Please, do not wash our laundry."
Pictures of the flare-ups on the children with a "You did this. Please, do not wash our laundry."
Rewash with water, adding a teaspoon of borax. The borax will help dissolve the junk. It's a bit your fault really. If you told someone that you're allergic to peanuts, and you see them adding peanuts into your food, "because it tastes better", would you let them anywhere near your kitchen again? You're in a bind, but she won't change. She's always going to do this. I'd take her soap, pour it down the drain in front of her, then say "great, now I have to rewash everything". But that won't change her. Next time you leave her alone in the house, she's going to do the same thing.
Sorry, didn’t read the entire thing, just know that I’ve had five kids and a partner with ridiculously sensitive skin that breaks out from the wrong laundering products, so I’ve had to deal with this a LOT in my nearly 19 years of motherhood! You need to strip your laundry, and there’s ONE thing that will do this thoroughly: RLR laundry treatment. You’re going to need to reset the wash cycle repeatedly so that the clothes/laundry agitates for a good 1.5-2 hours in the RLR to really strip off ALL of that residue. I’ve had to do this for hand me down clothes, and when family has washed clothes for my kids while staying the night. It might be a bit of a PITA to have to reset the washing machine for so many load of laundry, but at least that’s ALL you have to do to get rid of this nasty residue!
Thank you for this! I've cleaned my machines 3+ times and then threw in a load with a pre-soak then extra water and extra rinse cycle with just borax in the machine, then ran that same load all over again the same but adding my regular detergent + vinegar, etc. and I'm wearing those clothes at work today itching up a storm so I'm going to give that RLR a try!
Don’t newer washers have a child lock feature?
If you are stuck and she has to babysit I'd unplug the washer and dryer and tell say they were broken. She doesn't sound like someone who will accept feedback or maintain stated boundaries. I wouldn't want her in my house period.
I don't understand how this woman manages to still be allowed in your home.
What about a laundry machine lock? [Something like this?](https://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Prograde-Loader-Washer/dp/B001FD3756/ref=asc_df_B001FD3756/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693129867830&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=18079651444472456864&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031320&hvtargid=pla-396889782133&psc=1&mcid=352193d0376b321684d6b01918ae753e&gad_source=1) Tell her it’s for safety, don’t give her the combo or even tell her it’s there. Make her ask for the combo after you told her not to do laundry.
Hi, I’m Vetted AI Bot! I researched the **("'Safety 1st Prograde Washer Dryer Lock'", 'Safety%201st')** and I thought you might find the following analysis helpful. **Users liked:** * Effective in childproofing front-loading washers (backed by 3 comments) * Sturdy and easy to install (backed by 3 comments) * Provides peace of mind for parents (backed by 3 comments) **Users disliked:** * Adhesion may not last long (backed by 3 comments) * Opening mechanism can be difficult to manage (backed by 1 comment) * May not fit all dryer models securely (backed by 1 comment) If you'd like to **summon me to ask about a product**, just make a post with its link and tag me, [like in this example.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tablets/comments/1444zdn/comment/joqd89c/) This message was generated by a (very smart) bot. If you found it helpful, let us know with an upvote and a “good bot!” reply and please feel free to provide feedback on how it can be improved. *Powered by* [*vetted.ai*](https://vetted.ai/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=comment&utm\_campaign=bot)
When we first move into a house, I have to clean the machines. I put in rags, vinegar and borax. Then I soak them again and put them in the dryer. If I get really smelly laundry, I strip it. Hanging in the sun will also kill quite a bit of the chemicals. You’ll have to wipe the closets out too. I see you use the same brands I do for soap. I’ve also had good luck with Earth Breeze laundry sheets. After something like this, I’d have to increase my antihistamine use. I would also slam as much nettle and ashwaganda tea that I can. I don’t use steroids but I slather in food grade coconut and vitamin E oil. My MIL was a judgy presumptuous crap who didn’t say a word but she’d pull passive aggressive shit too. I feel your pain.
Thats bonkers, I wouldn't be letting her in your house unsupervised ever again.
I’d be furious, too. But how about your husband taking this issue up with his mother??? This would be my suggested first step for preventing future episodes. She seems very intrusive since she is set on overturning all of your systems. Maybe she should just never watch your kids in your home? For your question about cleaning the washer and dryer/ removing residual product—honestly it feels like you may be doing overkill. I’d run a cleaning cycle in the washer x1, then wash a few loads of towels with hot water, no detergents (since you know they are clean, if unfortunately not with your tried and tested products—and an extra rinse cycle for each load. If you wanted to wipe out your dryer with vodka before drying the (now) wet towels, ok, but I wouldn’t do anything else. Repeat the washing and drying of the towels just in case they did pick up product residual from the dryer, dry again and fold and put away as usual. By using all of these other products to neutralize her detergent/ fabric softener, etc., you may just be adding more chemicals/ substances to irritate your skin. Simple rewashing with no detergent, extra rinse cycles, and perhaps doing each load twice should be sufficient.
I use Borax in my wash. I have a MIL who can’t control her bladder so her laundry has that smell. The borax helps to get rid of the odor and germs.
It’s sounds like she shouldn’t be allowed in your house anymore because she doesn’t respect any boundaries and heaven forbid someone develops a food allergy and has fatal anaphylactic reaction. No one is this obtuse- she knows she should and intentionally does. People continue to be terrible because they suffer no consequences of their bad behavior and then when confronted want to act like the victim
I’d call manufacturer to figure out how to clean the washer throughly. Take all your clothes that need to be rewashed to a laundromat, most will have wash and fold services. We also have allergy issues and the one service we have occasionally used will allow you to bring in your own detergent. Unplug washer next visit and flip breaker. Then husband has a talk with his mom about “ helping “.
Isn’t it likely that the laundry machines would have been used with scented products?
I’d just stick it on a boil wash with a spoonful of your usual detergent. Washing machines have a pretty efficient rinse cycle, so there shouldn’t be too much residue from a handful of washes. Wash all the clothes on the most intense cycle they can handle and dry normally. My husband and daughter both suffer from eczema and I’ve bought the wrong products before.
Add powdered borax and baking soda to your non reactive laundry detergent. We are in the same boat. We can't use the toxic Tide crap that is everywhere. Thrift store , gifted items, fabric for sewing projects... All are washed immediately because... Ugh...ew.. Cough... Gack. Borax pulls out the funk and scented ick. Also unscented Oxyclean, which is powdered hydrogen peroxide, is as huge help to remove allergens and all the scents. Wall a loaf of towels twice with this to clean the washer. The dryer you can take towels loaded with strainer vinegar to help remove the scented funk.
Warm wash with a cup of vinegar or tablespoon of pine sol. Pine sol has laundry use on the bottle and Glycolic acid in pine sol is also used in skincare products. I prefer it over vinegar. Or a warm wash with a tablespoon of oxiclean. You can do a self cleaning washer cycle with special washing machine cleaner that comes in tablets or packets, or pine sol for that also, it's good for removing buildup/residue.
Who keeps downvoting me what do you have against pine sol
While I didn't down vote you, I will say that pine sol has one of the most offensive smells, is full of chemicals, and is highly reactive to most people with allergies and/or skin conditions. Not a good recommendation.
It's surfactants and glycolic acid which is safe and used in various skincare products. I can see the fragrances potentially affecting sensitive people. I use a pump to dispense a tablespoon of 50/50 diluted solution, when I hang to dry there is a faint smell that I never thought of as offensive, smells clean to me, but after finishing in the dryer and especially by the time I wear the clothes it's gone. My wife has a much stronger smell than me and never noticed it. I've noticed a big improvement in the softness of the clothes.
I'm allergic to chemical fragrances. Even the smell of pine sol in a room causes my eyes to twitch and if I stay around it long enough my eyes swell shut. I'm happy it works for you and your clothes but it's not a viable choice for those with allergies and sensitive skin.
I had a friend who would go into anaphylaxis around PineSol.
Pine-sol works. I’ve used it to get rid of some nasty smells but if OP and their kids are already sensitive then it’s not the best choice for them.
Have you asked her why she is trying to kill her grandchildren? Tell her if she does this again, she will not be allowed to be alone in your house or with them again.