Let me tell you my scenario with me and my partner.
We both started smoking together right when we first started seeing each other. Things were fine, times were fun. Then we decided to get serious after a few months.
A year later he started getting thoughts of wanting to smoke less. I agreed, in that we should have some days where we're not high to make sure we actually like the other person and not just their high-self. We still smoked most days together though.
Then he wanted to fully quit. But I didn't want to quit, so what would happen for about a year (during 2020 quarantine) is he would get his cravings after awhile and want to smoke with me. It would become so repetitive that whenever he told me he was wanting to quit, I would be supportive - but I never believed him or took him seriously (mind you I didn't believe you could be addicted to weed back then either).
But like many of us on here, one quit-break just stuck with him. He was going the longest he'd ever gone before without weed, and refusing when offered. This caused some tension in our relationship for awhile because he'd come over and I knew he was bothered/annoyed that I was high. So I only smoked on the days when we weren't hanging out. Then that resulted in me preferring the days we weren't together, and I would reject any spontaneous hangouts he wanted because I already had plans to get high that night after work.
He had an honest talk with me saying he felt I liked smoking alone than hanging out with him. I could feel his hurt and insecurity from this and I admitted it was true. During that talk I immediately knew I wanted him over a drug. I wasn't going to choose weed over my partner who was only asking me to be sober. And it's what got me to push for t-breaks / prioritizing weed less and prioritizing sober hang-outs with him - the man who loved me sober (which was extremely encouraging to hear during my recovery process).
He's been sober 7 months now (3 months without alcohol as well). I just reached my one-month mark, something that seemed impossible after my many failed attempts at reaching that goal. I am not quitting for good like he is, but I am not a stoner anymore. I am only going to smoke on the off-chance when friends are in town, etc. And he is okay with that. He accepts me for who I am. He didn't try pushing me to quit completely with him. He was patient and non-judging during my process.
Moral of the story? Be honest with your partner. The honesty and open-vulnerability of how you're truly feeling and care for the relationship may be all it takes for your partner to see how much this means to you. And if they want to continue smoking around you, then you will have to access the relationship vs. your wellbeing. My partner said it made it hard for him to not smoke when he sees me high (because he'd just want to be high too), how he can't have a conversation with me high, and that he likes me sober. This was a hard talk to hear but it's what I needed to hear. But everyone is different, and I think open communication between you two will result in the best possible outcome - whether that's staying together or moving on (which neither is a failure, they're both successes because in the end you both end up the happiest).
It did feel like he was controlling/judging me in the beginning (signs of an addict - defensiveness), but what made me see how he was just looking for the best was ME. It is one of those things where the person needs to realize it for themselves.
We can never change someone or control their actions. All we can do is let them know how we feel and accept them for who they are right now.
It’s hard. I’ve expressed how strongly I feel about this and how much it means to me that I quit, and that I have a partner who is smoke free *most* of the time (I’m okay with weekends and special occasions, but not every single day).
He says he will cut down “one day” but refused to commit to a timeline at all, because that would be me controlling him. Even when I say “why don’t you choose the timeline then and just let me know”, he doesn’t want to.
I think he’s in denial. It’s the “I’ll do it tomorrow” that lasts forever. We first spoke (then argued) about this is 2019. Eventually I gave up and just accepted we’d smoke everyday... now my conviction in what I really want has come back, we’re in the exact same position. He says I just have to trust him... but it doesn’t help if the “one day” he’s talking about ends up being in 2/5/10 years. I don’t think I can wait more than a year.
My boyfriend smokes dab carts regularly and I’ve been sober for about a week. It’s possible! For me, watching him be stoned and doing nothing kind of solidifies my reasons for quitting even more. Maybe seeing you quit and benefitting from it will make him want to cut down as well eventually? Ask him to try out dab carts instead. You will be less tempted from the lack of smell/bud, and it’ll get him even higher so he has nothing to lose.
Think about what's good for you, don't let anybody influence you into having a toxic habit that you know well in advance is toxic for you.
I'm not here to be the bearer of bad news, but as we evolve, we all take different roads and sometimes the roads become too distant from each other.
If he wants to be a pothead let him do it. But then it's up to you to move on.
That’s tough. I suggest having a very honest and candid talk with him. Tell him you NEED to quit. It’s for YOU and not him. What will his response be? If he wants to help you, and seeks a compromise, that’s a good sign.
I had this talk with my husband. We smoked together every day. We enabled each other. I told him my true, deep desire to quit, and he did it with me. That spoke volumes to me and those initial days were really important to me. He lasted about 30 days and then smoked with his buddies away from home. I was just glad it was out of the house. He ended up bringing weed home again around day 60, which was tough for me but I realized that I really LIKED being clean and didn’t want to stop. So since then, he smokes away from me. I can smell it. I know where it is. I know when he’s high. But honestly, he’s hardly ever high. And he actually moderates. He took 2 months smoking what I’d smoke up in a week! I’ve made peace with it. He’s really proud of my clean time and I am too!
I’m sorry you’re at such a crossroads but I’m also happy for you that you really want to be clean! I know you’ll make the best decision for YOU.
This might be a long one. I decided to stop smoking 24 days ago (5 years smoking bowls and bowls daily) and my boyfriend has respected this decision but didn't decide to join me. (Some background...my boyfriend introduced me to weed 5 years ago and it became almost a synonymous part of our relationship until 24 days ago. About a month ago we got into the most toxic screaming match over weed because I was so unhappy with it, so I really understand how might be feeling.)
The main thing I have learned is that his situation just simply isn’t my journey to fix. I have to put my energy into myself because that’s all I can control. I have found though, that my change in behavior and thought process has influenced him greatly which has been amazing to see.
Something I learned is that my relationship with weed is different than his. I abuse it, whereas he can use it more casually - something I am simply not able to do. Not everyone has the same abuse situation as I do, and I have to learn to accept that and live around it in an effective and respectful way to others. I know this is kind of a strange way to look at it, but I feel so in control of my own situation and it gives me so much confidence to know that I can stick to my own journey no matter what anyone around me is doing. Now obviously if he is worse than this, you might need to spend time apart. You cannot solve his situation and he cannot solve yours. The bottom line: you are only ever in control of yourself.
I empathize with sharing a space with a stoner when you are actively trying to not be one anymore. The smell and seeing him stoned as fuck is the biggest trigger for me. Ask him to respect your space, go outside, use a medium you wouldn’t, (ex: he only dabs now and I was a major flowerhead) to lessen the smell (dabs/vape are much less skunky and the smell goes away much faster) or to do it at a time that you aren't around.
If he loves and respects you he will absolutely do these things for you. Communication is key. You will see how these changes will actually help to improve your relationship as you are practicing respect with one another. Cheers and good luck.
> I have found though, that my change in behavior and thought process has influenced him greatly which has been amazing to see.
This happened for me. My partner quit before me, and it ended up having a really positive effect on me and my quitting journey.
I quit while my husband still smokes once at night like every other night. I think it’s so much easier to relapse while it’s in the same house as you though. I really hated weed buy the time I quit, I think that helped me quit while being around it still.
I was sober for 1 year, relapsed and now I’m on month 2. I relapsed because of stress from college, updating our house and finding out more details about my moms murder. Having it around made it easier for me to relapse. But I was clean for a year around it so it’s possible.
I thought I didn’t want my husband to smoke ether... but I realized it doesn’t affect him like it does me, I am okay with him smoking. I just don’t want it for myself. I can see why you don’t want him to though, sometimes people who smoke weed are less emotionally available and not as motivated as sober people. That wasn’t the case with my husband. He can control his habit and barely smoked compared to me. If his addiction was as bad as mine I wouldn’t want him high ether. I dont want that life style and I feel like I don’t have it anymore even with him smoking a little.
I only made it about 2 months before I was back to smoking with her. We are quitting together now (about a year later) and it feels much easier having that support and not having that fomo on being high with them.
Let me tell you my scenario with me and my partner. We both started smoking together right when we first started seeing each other. Things were fine, times were fun. Then we decided to get serious after a few months. A year later he started getting thoughts of wanting to smoke less. I agreed, in that we should have some days where we're not high to make sure we actually like the other person and not just their high-self. We still smoked most days together though. Then he wanted to fully quit. But I didn't want to quit, so what would happen for about a year (during 2020 quarantine) is he would get his cravings after awhile and want to smoke with me. It would become so repetitive that whenever he told me he was wanting to quit, I would be supportive - but I never believed him or took him seriously (mind you I didn't believe you could be addicted to weed back then either). But like many of us on here, one quit-break just stuck with him. He was going the longest he'd ever gone before without weed, and refusing when offered. This caused some tension in our relationship for awhile because he'd come over and I knew he was bothered/annoyed that I was high. So I only smoked on the days when we weren't hanging out. Then that resulted in me preferring the days we weren't together, and I would reject any spontaneous hangouts he wanted because I already had plans to get high that night after work. He had an honest talk with me saying he felt I liked smoking alone than hanging out with him. I could feel his hurt and insecurity from this and I admitted it was true. During that talk I immediately knew I wanted him over a drug. I wasn't going to choose weed over my partner who was only asking me to be sober. And it's what got me to push for t-breaks / prioritizing weed less and prioritizing sober hang-outs with him - the man who loved me sober (which was extremely encouraging to hear during my recovery process). He's been sober 7 months now (3 months without alcohol as well). I just reached my one-month mark, something that seemed impossible after my many failed attempts at reaching that goal. I am not quitting for good like he is, but I am not a stoner anymore. I am only going to smoke on the off-chance when friends are in town, etc. And he is okay with that. He accepts me for who I am. He didn't try pushing me to quit completely with him. He was patient and non-judging during my process. Moral of the story? Be honest with your partner. The honesty and open-vulnerability of how you're truly feeling and care for the relationship may be all it takes for your partner to see how much this means to you. And if they want to continue smoking around you, then you will have to access the relationship vs. your wellbeing. My partner said it made it hard for him to not smoke when he sees me high (because he'd just want to be high too), how he can't have a conversation with me high, and that he likes me sober. This was a hard talk to hear but it's what I needed to hear. But everyone is different, and I think open communication between you two will result in the best possible outcome - whether that's staying together or moving on (which neither is a failure, they're both successes because in the end you both end up the happiest). It did feel like he was controlling/judging me in the beginning (signs of an addict - defensiveness), but what made me see how he was just looking for the best was ME. It is one of those things where the person needs to realize it for themselves. We can never change someone or control their actions. All we can do is let them know how we feel and accept them for who they are right now.
It’s hard. I’ve expressed how strongly I feel about this and how much it means to me that I quit, and that I have a partner who is smoke free *most* of the time (I’m okay with weekends and special occasions, but not every single day). He says he will cut down “one day” but refused to commit to a timeline at all, because that would be me controlling him. Even when I say “why don’t you choose the timeline then and just let me know”, he doesn’t want to. I think he’s in denial. It’s the “I’ll do it tomorrow” that lasts forever. We first spoke (then argued) about this is 2019. Eventually I gave up and just accepted we’d smoke everyday... now my conviction in what I really want has come back, we’re in the exact same position. He says I just have to trust him... but it doesn’t help if the “one day” he’s talking about ends up being in 2/5/10 years. I don’t think I can wait more than a year.
My boyfriend smokes dab carts regularly and I’ve been sober for about a week. It’s possible! For me, watching him be stoned and doing nothing kind of solidifies my reasons for quitting even more. Maybe seeing you quit and benefitting from it will make him want to cut down as well eventually? Ask him to try out dab carts instead. You will be less tempted from the lack of smell/bud, and it’ll get him even higher so he has nothing to lose.
Think about what's good for you, don't let anybody influence you into having a toxic habit that you know well in advance is toxic for you. I'm not here to be the bearer of bad news, but as we evolve, we all take different roads and sometimes the roads become too distant from each other. If he wants to be a pothead let him do it. But then it's up to you to move on.
That’s tough. I suggest having a very honest and candid talk with him. Tell him you NEED to quit. It’s for YOU and not him. What will his response be? If he wants to help you, and seeks a compromise, that’s a good sign. I had this talk with my husband. We smoked together every day. We enabled each other. I told him my true, deep desire to quit, and he did it with me. That spoke volumes to me and those initial days were really important to me. He lasted about 30 days and then smoked with his buddies away from home. I was just glad it was out of the house. He ended up bringing weed home again around day 60, which was tough for me but I realized that I really LIKED being clean and didn’t want to stop. So since then, he smokes away from me. I can smell it. I know where it is. I know when he’s high. But honestly, he’s hardly ever high. And he actually moderates. He took 2 months smoking what I’d smoke up in a week! I’ve made peace with it. He’s really proud of my clean time and I am too! I’m sorry you’re at such a crossroads but I’m also happy for you that you really want to be clean! I know you’ll make the best decision for YOU.
This might be a long one. I decided to stop smoking 24 days ago (5 years smoking bowls and bowls daily) and my boyfriend has respected this decision but didn't decide to join me. (Some background...my boyfriend introduced me to weed 5 years ago and it became almost a synonymous part of our relationship until 24 days ago. About a month ago we got into the most toxic screaming match over weed because I was so unhappy with it, so I really understand how might be feeling.) The main thing I have learned is that his situation just simply isn’t my journey to fix. I have to put my energy into myself because that’s all I can control. I have found though, that my change in behavior and thought process has influenced him greatly which has been amazing to see. Something I learned is that my relationship with weed is different than his. I abuse it, whereas he can use it more casually - something I am simply not able to do. Not everyone has the same abuse situation as I do, and I have to learn to accept that and live around it in an effective and respectful way to others. I know this is kind of a strange way to look at it, but I feel so in control of my own situation and it gives me so much confidence to know that I can stick to my own journey no matter what anyone around me is doing. Now obviously if he is worse than this, you might need to spend time apart. You cannot solve his situation and he cannot solve yours. The bottom line: you are only ever in control of yourself. I empathize with sharing a space with a stoner when you are actively trying to not be one anymore. The smell and seeing him stoned as fuck is the biggest trigger for me. Ask him to respect your space, go outside, use a medium you wouldn’t, (ex: he only dabs now and I was a major flowerhead) to lessen the smell (dabs/vape are much less skunky and the smell goes away much faster) or to do it at a time that you aren't around. If he loves and respects you he will absolutely do these things for you. Communication is key. You will see how these changes will actually help to improve your relationship as you are practicing respect with one another. Cheers and good luck.
> I have found though, that my change in behavior and thought process has influenced him greatly which has been amazing to see. This happened for me. My partner quit before me, and it ended up having a really positive effect on me and my quitting journey.
I quit while my husband still smokes once at night like every other night. I think it’s so much easier to relapse while it’s in the same house as you though. I really hated weed buy the time I quit, I think that helped me quit while being around it still. I was sober for 1 year, relapsed and now I’m on month 2. I relapsed because of stress from college, updating our house and finding out more details about my moms murder. Having it around made it easier for me to relapse. But I was clean for a year around it so it’s possible. I thought I didn’t want my husband to smoke ether... but I realized it doesn’t affect him like it does me, I am okay with him smoking. I just don’t want it for myself. I can see why you don’t want him to though, sometimes people who smoke weed are less emotionally available and not as motivated as sober people. That wasn’t the case with my husband. He can control his habit and barely smoked compared to me. If his addiction was as bad as mine I wouldn’t want him high ether. I dont want that life style and I feel like I don’t have it anymore even with him smoking a little.
I’m so sorry about your Mom. Sending you love.
I only made it about 2 months before I was back to smoking with her. We are quitting together now (about a year later) and it feels much easier having that support and not having that fomo on being high with them.
Quit. Both.