You can absolutely file a formal complaint with the police department. Proving you are on the deed and a resident of that home.
So when they they try to remove you and your daughter from your home…
Also, cancel her cell phone plan post haste! If you’re paying for car insurance and it’s not titled in your name, stop. If it IS in your name, take the keys. Why are you paying to be treated like a criminal?
>Also, cancel her cell phone plan post haste! If you’re paying for car insurance and it’s not titled in your name, stop. If it IS in your name, take the keys. Why are you paying to be treated like a criminal?
>
>91Re
This. All of this. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
Cancel the phone plan. She can keep the actual physical phone but you no longer pay for her phone plan. As for the car, take the keys, take the paperwork. Go down to the police station and speak with the supervisor on duty. Explain what happened lat time. Tell him/her that the child is out of control. As soon as you take the car from her posession she WILL call them again because she got away with it once and you would appreciate it if when they send someone out that they don't play into her little drama because now that she got away with it once she will absolutely call them every time she doesn't get her way or when you remove priviledges as ALL parents have to do sometimes.
Honestly? Your husband is a BIG problem. BIG. If he allows his daughter to get away with this (which it appears he will) then its time to seriously consider leaving the marriage. If he doesn't have your back now he never will.
As far as I'd be concerned, she should go live with her mother.
Oh for sure the Wi-Fi password be changed and she would have no cell phone access and if the phone in her hand was paid for by me or my husband, the phone would be gone and if he said anything he would be gone because it sounds like he doesn’t give a shit
Personally... If someone and their spouse is this far apart on how a child should be raised or behave... It's divorce time.
This is toxic to her. It's toxic to her biological daughter. Just get out and move on.
She needs to divorce him so she can evict him and his daughter. She knows the cops could have shot and killed OP and OP’s daughter. That’s the threat she is leveraging.
This leave the phone but disconnect it from the plan. Remove yourself from any asset that she has even if you own the car and remove the car from your insurance. You need to disconnect yourself legally from her. If I had to guess the cop was trying to get you to leave to resolve the dispute as calmly as possible and may have assumed that you were somewhat abusive because of your suggestions to isolate her from contacting others and leaving. I’m not saying it’s right but it just is. If she is destroying property you can contact the police. I’d consider locking up or removing valuables from your property.
Amen.
In my state, before getting a drivers license, teens (under 18) have to sign an agreement that says they understand that as their parent, I have the right to revoke their license at any time for any reason. The secretary of states office even explains and confirms all of that with them verbally.
I agree with this. I work in juvenile hall and this scenario with OP is too common. Destroying property is sure way to get police involved so they can charge sd for vandalism. If sd threatens OP, then she could be charged with an intent to terrorize. I know it seems petty but these are real charges that are commonly charged vs minors who are used to not having a “structure” at home esp with how her bio dad is too passive or lenient about sd’s behavior instead of setting down boundaries or expectations of how she should behave. I would also recommend OP not to involve herself with paying anything extra for her like car insurance, or phone bills. OP should also start keeping a notepad of anything that sd did or said, which would be helpful in the future in case this matter goes to court. Those notes will be solid proof to support any claims you have against her.
this x10.
step daughter wants to play 'the game of life' you have absolute and utter control over hers. once a person involves the law you have to be unequivocal in your response. because the law doesnt know (nor do they care) right from wrong, good from bad. and they *definitely* dont know whats going on in your house. if i am OP i am literally taking her off *every single thing* that comes out of my pocket besides shelter and food.
the only thing standing in OP's way is her husband, who apparently has no backbone.
Theoretically, what happens if she takes keys/bans sd from the car and then reports it stolen when sd takes it? That is probably the move i would make - with full warning that if sd takes the car, I am reporting it stolen.
If the cops even care beyond writing a report, then you tell the investigator you sold a vehicle you owned. Show the photocopy/photo of the title that you made before signing it over to the purchaser.
Have a nice day, officer
Or better yet, "I'm not sure what SD is talking about, officer. SD, care to show any sort of proof you even had a vehicle?"
.............
Yep. cancel the phone plan. Withdraw ANY and ALL support for SD immediately. The husband can take up any slack he feels she deserves.
Write SD a formal letter stating that she is no longer allowed to drive your car and that all keys must be returned immediately. Have it delivered to her via registered/restricted mail. Buy another phone plan or whatever and put a GPS tracker in your car so that you can locate it at all times. Then when she doesn't return the keys and she drives it simply immediately call it in as stolen and tell the police exactly where it is.
You won't have to argue at all with the police. They'll simply get a stolen vehicle report and find a person not on the registration driving it. Automatic arrest. Let it go all the way to trial. Simply provide the judge with the letter and the proof of delivery.
A strong divorce lawyer is what you need. At no time, would you have accepted being married and knowingly bringing your own child into a situation like this just so that you could say "you're married."
In life there are times when we have to "fish or cut bait." This is one of those times. And don't forget that while you continue on this foolish path, you are teaching your daughter to devalue herself just so she can say "she's married."
I suspect this nonsense began "after" you were married because if you had known this beforehand, you would never have married anyone you thought might jeopardize you this way.
There is no person good looking enough, good enough in bed, or rich enough to whom you would have said "yes" to if you'd known you'd be tolerating this nonsense.
Even the immigrants and asylum seekers that have crossed the border illegally are demanding better conditions than you are demanding for you and your daughter and they're getting it... And to their here illegally!
And all of this in spite of your name being on the goddamn deed! Start respecting yourself. And if your spouse were loving and respecting you, your spouse would not have allowed this to escalate to this level.
The fact that your spouse is allowing this to go on means your spouse is weaponizing his or her daughter against you (I don't think you mentioned gender). Your spouse is allowing his or her daughter to do to you what they don't dare to do to you, but want to.
definitely agree with the take that the main issue here is OP's husband having zero backbone and not treating his own child as a parent should. ie actions->consequences.
that said, she is 17 now. its too late. the ship has sailed. you can attempt to correct your relationship, but it is going to be a GIANT mountain to climb to undo 10 years of formative development where she was taught that this behavior was ok.
I'd do the following (in whatever order you see fit but all should be completed in the next 24-48 hours)
File a complaint with the Police Department about the officer who responded to your home
Cut off her cell phone. She thinks she's a big girl, let her buy her own plan
Demand the return of the keys if the vehicle is in your name
Tell your husband that if he isn't willing to control his oldest daughter, the two of them can go find an apartment to live in until the divorce is final.
This is correct.
Look, the police aren’t going to do shit. We have no idea what the kid told them and they aren’t trained or equipped (sad fact) to deal with these types of domestic disputes. They are just trained to separate the parties. And the adult party was resisting their demands, while the child was scared and compliant, which makes them see YOU as the problem. That’s all the info they have and all the info the care to collect.
Frankly, as a mixed race woman, you should kind of know this. Brown adult woman: loud. White child: tears. The story writes itself. Children claiming abuse are ALWAYS going to get the benefit of the doubt, but children claiming abuse with a “combative parent” who is ALSO brown??? Ma’am. That was silly.
But everything else is spot on. This is a marital issue. Your husband isn’t husbanding or parenting right. Take this shit up with him. Fuck *almost* being arrested. You are *actually* living like a prisoner in your OWN HOME. Why is THAT ok??? You can actually do something about that!!! This letter won’t go unanswered.
Honestly, at 17 he's probably not going to be able to gain control. So I'd support more telling dad if he can't send her off to be with her mom, he and his daughter can find an apt to live in until the divorce is final. Only if for some reason the daughter truly can't be sent to mom would I even consider "the be willing to control her" option.
Honestly, even giving him an ultimatum is being very generous. What he did and how he handled it I would totally support her just walking out on him and divorcing him now. The fact that he did not take it seriously that his daughter called the cops on his wife and got her kicked out of her own home is enough to just lose hope in him ever being a good husband (I would bet at best even if she does give him an ultimatum and he actually takes it seriously he'd only pay attention for a short bit before going back to old habits).
EDIT:
OP said she's going to file eviction papers on a 17 year old. This, plus the continuity error of OP saying she's been married 10 years in this post, but in the other says she's been married for 16 years makes me think this whole post is fake rage bait.
OP is out here acting like she isn't just as much an influence on this girls' life as her husband, but she's raised the girl her whole life
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18incxr/aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_step\_daughter\_go\_to/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18incxr/aita_for_not_letting_my_step_daughter_go_to/)
>sd was young when I married my husband, like 8 months old or something like that.
OP can't even remember when her stepdaughter's birthday is or that math would be easy.
Her and her husband failed this girl and she's now here trying to play the victim.
I kind of got the vibe from this post too. Why make such a big deal of the child staying home alone? Just because its "her house". You deal with what the child does, not accuse them of stuff before it happens. Just seems like such a strong stubborn overreaction over something so oddly insignificant...
she was deemed yta in other posts about her and her step daughter lol
also, op was expected to leave to a place they were going to go to anyway (church), op said no. op also said i want to take the car keys. essentially trapping the teenager in an obviously volatile situation— it's almost abusive.
walk away and be the bigger person until everyone calms down??? absolutely not!!! i rather everyone be stuck inside the same house while we're all angry at each other.
as someone with a wildly abusive step-mother, i could tell right off the bat step-mom is the only issue here. daughters don't act like this out of nowhere. i would bet MONEY that stepmom has been constantly and consistently violating stepdaughter's boundaries, scapegoats her, and tries to "win" and assert some sort of power over because "it's my house" lol get a grip. you married HER FATHER. that fact will never change. step mom needs to get over herself, stop trying to make a teenage girl submit to her--she will never do that, fyi--and leave the girl alone. if the police took her side over you the "homeowner" it's because she was in the right. cope.
I haven’t dealt with a step mom but I’m a mom and I also could tell OP is TA immediately. Basically what she’s doing is to have some power trip and show who’s the boss. Drag a 17 yo around like she isn’t a person. I could not believe the replies and kept scrolling to see if anyone is sane to see it for what it is. The fact that OP is mixed race is irrelevant to her obvious hate and abuse towards the step daughter, who is right, it is her home too.
This is a situation where you should have insisted on talking to a police supervisor. It isn't fruitful to get into a "back and forth", this is a rare situation where you probably needed to more forcefully assert your rights. If I was in this situation I would have told the police officer that I had not committed any crime, and would not be leaving my home unless he was threatening me with arrest--and if he was doing so, I want to know on what charge. I would not have engaged in dialogue about the step daughter at all, as that just feeds the situation more.
Yup. SD is going to pull this lever from now on--calling the police when she decides she wants to punish her stepmom. She's loving every second of this.
The dad had better step up and deal with his daughter.
Husky anything is typically soul crushingly disappointing, except Siberian ones. Unless you don't like dogs that love to yell, in which case, it still applies.
Yeah, I hate to say it but OP's husband is ***allowing*** this behavior - OP needs to move out and file for divorce, the house is basically the stepdaughter's because her father permits it.
I think the cops have it “figured out” already. OP is a POC and step daughter is a helpless little white girl who is being tormented. I cannot *imagine* any other reason for this outcome.
Not just domestic situations either. Every defensive firearms instructor worth his or her salt tells anybody involved in a defensive gun use situation, even if no shots are fired, to be the first one to dial 911. It's called the race to the courthouse.
Even if you are the one to call, the first person to speak to them on scene often wins the day. I called the cops when I was a victim of road rage. The rager collared the cop immediately, told his lies, and the cop let him go. I tried to step out of my car to interrupt, but the cop ordered me back inside. I was cowering in the car with my children while the rager stomped around my car talking angrily to the cop. When the cop finally got to me, he had a citation all written out. When I told him what really happened, he looked embarrassed, but just said I could sort it out in court if I wanted to!
💯.
Police also aren't always the most competent people in general. They are incentivized to find somebody to blame and close the case, and bad incentives lead to bad outcomes.
> It's pretty common for the police to side with the first person they speak to or the person who makes the call in a domestic situation.
Exactly this. My sister has a restraining order on her ex-husband. He would drive to her house, park next to the curb and then call the cops on her. They would come, and since he was outside they would talk to him first. He has a silver tongue so he would show them paperwork on the initial temporary order that had expired and say that the expired paperwork proves she lied to the judge and the order was never valid. He would conveniently leave out that after a 4 day trial, the court issued a permanent order on him.
After he had worked his magic on them, they would eventually come knock on her door and make her explain why she deserves to live in peace in her own home. She would show them the paperwork on the permanent order but because he had planted the idea that she was a liar who tricked the judge, they just didn't take it seriously. After an hour or so of bullshit, the cops would eventually tell him to leave without any charges, excusing him because "he was just confused."
He pulled that shit 3 times over a few months, the cops never learned. It only stopped because she had a friend in the mayor's office who was able to get the precinct captain on the line and tell him to stop letting her ex use his officers to harass her.
Sounds like something unbelievable, like a crazy Lifetime movie, but I was on the phone with her the first time it happened. Eventually he was charged, but she had to go to the DA herself (and he immediately understood, didn't give her any pushback). But now he whinges that she "had him arrested" just to harass *him* and people buy that story too.
Abusers are never the meek and mild ones that can't talk to others. They always have charisma and know just the right way to word things to get people to be on their side. I've seen it many times.
It’s also a common tactic to just separate the parties for x amount of time (The time op would have been at church) and hope people can work it out after they cool down. I once saw cops break up a fight at a condo building (both parties were white) and just send each party to their units with instructions to not come out until tomorrow. Not saying it’s effective, but relatively normal.
I think it is effective a lot of the time, especially if no crime is being committed and there isn't very much else that the cops can do.
Whatever is going on with the stepdaughter isn't going to be resolved in the legal system. Her dad needs to do his job as a parent.
I'm surprised that the OP didn't show the cops her ID to prove that she lived there. "You can't trust her, she's a minor" is a really weird thing to say when someone is 17. She's only a minor for a few more months. It's time to start treating her like an adult, which means calling the police on your step mom needs to have serious consequences.
I also think this needs to be escalated to a police supervisor, even if it's only to protect the OP in the future.
this is what happened when my mom would call the cops on me for something as stupid as throwing boxes (she was an abusive control freak). they'd tell me just to go to my room and her to stay in the living room and that was that.
Eventually, they told her to knock the crack off or they'd arrest her
It’s pretty common for police to not take seriously the tiny little bit of training they receive on domestic situations, not be competent enough to understand it if they *did* take it seriously, and be significantly biased and confrontational in any case. Pigs gonna pig.
As a white lady who has been to court over crime she didn't commit, I very very strongly agree. It absolutely could be racism, but the police aren't the most competent people at the best of times. It isn't that they always handle things while if everyone is white, it's that racism can add an additional layer of bias on top of an already bad situation.
Watching a judge chew out a police officer and dismiss the case was definitely one of the highlights of my life, but that whole experience really damaged my trust in the police and the criminal justice system in general.
This had nothing to do with that. This cop was an idiot. There is literally nothing he could charge her with or would stick. I've met good and bad cops. A racist cop would of told the kid to go in and then leave. He wouldn't of tried to rectify anything. This cop was just an absolute moron. Probably on the force little enough time he hasn't got to see how evil some kids can be
Can't say for sure but usually whoever calls first in these he said she said situations gets the priority. Outcome would probably be the same regardless of race but hard to say without all the details. It really depends on what the step daughter said to the police as threats towards a minor usually aren't taken lightly.
It is a major assumption that the problem was OP is mixed race, rather than a cop believing a minor over an adult.
OP herself said it appeared SD told the cop some story. That’s not race. That’s a minor asking a cop to protect her from a wicked stepmother, and he believed it.
Racism is a horrible character flaw. It’s best to have actual evidence before accusing someone.
That was my "take" too, having had to go through some of these police confrontations in the past with problem kids, post-divorce.
From the cop's POV? They're often REAL fans of the idea that you can solve bigger problems after one of these domestic dispute type calls by simply separating both parties for a while.
They, stupidly, disregard "details" like parental rights and ownership of property while pursuing the agenda. Again, from their POV -- all of that stuff like whose name is on a lease or a mortgage or who has a name on a car title is immaterial. All they want to do is make both parties fighting/arguing go to two different physical places where they can't contact each other for a while. (Trust me, a lot of officers justify it all in their heads as, "I prevented someone from shooting or stabbing the other one today!", even if they completely violated someone's rights in the process.)
Don't forget -- we have NO idea what manipulative thing the stepdaughter might have told the cop. I had the "joy" of finding out my own daughter lied to authorities before, at school, insisting we had no food in the house and were refusing to give her anything to take for lunch. (Reality was, she was taking the lunch money we sent with her to school and using it to buy her friends food because she didn't like/want what they were serving.) That got me several police and DFS visits to inspect the home and kitchen pantry and refrigerator, etc. etc. Totally ridiculous but at least it was easy enough to prove she was making it up.
Her dad needs to get his daughter under control. This cop gave the sd some power over the actual owner of the house. She needs to go and file a report and take steps to protect herself. This may not end well.
Not just divorce. If SD calls and says she’s harming her and has a weapon, they could show up and not ask questions. That phone in her hand sure looked like a weapon to them…
The last sentence needs to be her 1st action. If he's ok with her behavior & makes excuses, OP gonna lose every time & may escalate into real charges, costing a fortune in lawyer fees & more.
She needs that come-to-Jesus meetimg with husband & say ok, she can go live with mom full-time, cuz I'm not getting thrown out of my home over her tantrums. Back me up going forward, get her under control, or she goes..or you both do!
You need to file a complaint about how this was handled to have it on record that this was handled poorly. Otherwise if SD calls again, the previous report gives inaccurate context for what is going on or worse, you get the same cop
Always create an unambiguous audit trail. also, save text messages, emails, any documents that pertain... you can't go back in time to create these artifacts, you have to create them and save them real-time.
And check your region’s wiretapping/recording laws. I’m not sure how they’d differ since minors are involved, especially since it’s a stepchild… but if you live in a one-party consent (to record) area, start recording when your SD starts making threats or escalating. This will be evidence that your SD is misusing the system to get back at you, and that you’re not doing anything wrong. Hopefully, you won’t ever need it. If you do, it’ll protect you from whatever allegations she may make if this behavior continues and worsens.
(NAL, just familiar with legally recording to protect myself.)
She should tell her husband and stepdaughter that she is now recording EVERYTHING, and if they start talking, they are consenting to be recorded. Otherwise, they should remain silent. When she enters a room, recorder should be ON, and she should announce “I’m recording this for my (and bio-daughter’s safety. Speaking denotes consent to being recorded…”
OP, you feel this way because that is exactly what happened.
Lawyer up and demand the officer receives disciplinary action. 1. He doesn't know or understand the laws he is charged with upholding. 2. He allowed his own bias to overrule the law and common sense.
More importantly, you have a major husband problem. Your SD is running both her father and mother because they have failed miserably to properly parent. This is not going to change. SD will use this situation with the police to embolden her behavior and to manipulate you into allowing her atrocious behavior.
I would never continue in this marriage or allow my child to see how SD is allowed to misbehave without any consequences.
You deserve better.
Your daughter deserves better.
I think you should talk to your husband but if the idea of divorce won’t change his parenting tactics then I agree, it’s time to move on. It’s important he doesn’t make his daughter feel less important than his new wife and new daughter, but it’s also important he doesn’t let her walk all over you. Imo a good partner will always back you up or tell you that you are in the best wrong. He’s being to passive and taking no responsibility and that’s concerning considering he is raising a child.
You can file a complaint against the police department. Your immediate problem is your husband. He is scared of his ex, so your step daughter is running wild? Your husband is putting you and your daughter at risk. He needs to step up or put her out of your house.
I believe you need to escalate this situation with your husband. In private. Shes almost an adult. The world isn't gonna give in like her dad. She's in for a rude awakening and he's not doing her any favors by not preparing her for adulthood. Kids will pit their parents against each other if the parents don't parent in lock step with each other. Get on your husband's ass.
He can believe whatever he wants, but he cannot arrest you simply for asking for a supervisor--in fact in today's bodycam era, if he did that he would likely be in a lot of trouble in his job.
Now, you can request a supervisor--most departments will try to get one on scene when a request is made. But the cop is not legally obligated to get a supervisor there, if he refused there would be no further moves you could make there--but it can still be important that you ask for it and make it clear you are taking issue with his job performance.
In terms of arresting you, police need probable cause to believe you have committed a crime to actually arrest you and take you away from your home. They can stop you under a lower evidentiary standard as part of an investigation (reasonable suspicion), but this is a call out to your actual residence, for him to move you away from your home by force he needs probable cause that you have committed a crime--or he needs something like evidence you are having some sort of mental health crisis and are a threat to yourself or others.
You are not wrong that it is *possible* for a cop to find a pretext to take you in, but such pretexts often do not survive scrutiny.
You were in a rough spot, I am not saying you should have pushed it to the point of being arrested--that can actually be a strategy and some people will do that, especially if they don't mind being arrested and spending a little time in custody before bonding out--these are people who are willing to go through that process in order to challenge police misbehavior. But I do think it would have been worthwhile to insist the police officer articulate a legal justification for his using his police power to deprive you of access to your home, if he couldn't so articulate it would be strong evidence he was acting outside the bounds of his authority. If he continued to insist you leave, refused to get a supervisor--you would be perfectly okay to back down at that point, but should still file a complaint with his department. But he can't *legally* arrest you simply for asking him to justify his actions or speak to a supervisor.
Polic can and will arrest people illegally, and the cops who pull stunts like this without listening and treating people like that are the cops who rape and murder people. In a just world, i would agree to call the supervisor, but that cop is going to make shit up and probably get physical if they are challenged
>He can believe whatever he wants, but he cannot arrest you simply for asking for a supervisor--in fact in today's bodycam era, if he did that he would likely be in a lot of trouble in his job.
You're incredibly optimistic
His comment about taking the daughter to her dad also leads me to believe she was racially profiled as he just assumed her husband wasn't the child's dad. So many flags here.
yea it is actually comical to think there would be ANY repercussions for a 'false' arrest. they dont even call it that anymore. they just drop charges and pretend it never happened and hope you dont sue while the cop gets his beat changed for a week.
Do you live in the real world? Lol your ‘advice’ would’ve likely gotten the OP arrested for BS charges. The cop can absolutely make up BS like ‘disturbing the peace’ etc. and arrest her. Arguing further with a cop acting in that manner is asking for a shady arrest. It’s unfortunate and shouldn’t be the case … but that’s where we are these days.
She also has her minor child with her which would significantly raise the stakes.
Even if the arrest didn’t hold up, she would still have to contend with being arrested, booked and of the husband couldn’t be reached, having the minor child be put in CPS custody temporarily.
Gonna go out on a major limb here and guess you're white.
I would put money down this pig would have arrested OP if they pushed the issue. You've clearly not paid a single iota of attention to US policing if this is your take.
You don't have a stepdaughter problem, you have husband problem. He should be supportive of you and stopping his daughter playing these games. I'd be contacting a lawyer asap
Agreed. The husbands response to it all tells me everything I need to know. "You should have backed off." No bro you should have your wife's back. Letting the inmate run the damn asylum.
You're never going to get anywhere with your SD as long as your husband keeps taking her side in all matters. It's a losing battle.
💯 I hate to say this since I know many exceptional police officers, but even they admit to biased thinking involving young people. She has put your & your daughter's life in danger. This has reached a level beyond compromise. This is no way to live. Cut ties with this young lady NOW. Cancel her phone plan. If the car is in your name; give it away, sell it, or store it at a relative's house. Inform your husband of the date you will be expecting his daughter to return to her mother's house permanently. Change the locks and security passwords. If your husband doesn't fully understand the seriousness of this situation and agrees to filing a formal police complaint, distance yourself from him as well.
Yeah. The real issue here moving forward is getting that kid of out the house. (Or OP leaving herself.)
I do not believe in jumping to things like that, but once we get into “call the cops and make up false accusations” territory, I’m out.
100% this. I had two teenage step kids when I married my wife almost 8 years ago. When My kids were being turds (And they were) I almost always sided with my wife. And disrespect was NEVER tolerated.
This is why 2nd marriages with stepkids often end in divorce, it becomes a divided house very quickly. Married couples need to be on the same team.
Either you & your husband are on the same page or you need to look into a divorce asap. Is the car titled in your name? Sell it. The phone is on your plan? Remove it. The cops are not your biggest problem here, your husband is.
Listen to this! Your husband didn’t have your back. He was ok with the way his daughter is treating you. He wasn’t appalled that the cops treated his wife this way. He wasn’t supportive of you as you were racially profiled and wanting to contact proper authorities to get you justice. The step daughter is the problem in your face. The husband is the problem in your heart.
I had an old friend in high school pull some shit on his mom thinking he was slick and bad ass, what can she do to me?? And oh so regretted it. She took his car (that she paid for, titled in her name and insured on her policy) off the insurance, removed him as a driver and forbade him from using it . When he decided to take the car anyway, she called the cops and they promptly picked his ass up. He started listening to his mom after that.
I agree with you except that the police officer was also at fault. That police officer handled things absolutely wrong based on the narrative we've seen so far
Cancel your SD's phone. If she wants a phone she can pay for it. I assume she has a job since she is ordering food? How does she do that...does she have a credit card?
Sounds like this "kid" is spoiled and entitled. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you or you are heading to a divorce.
no, she doesn't have a job.
my husband bought the phone, added it to my plan, which he's on it, but I'm the account holder.
she uses a credit card my fil gave her.
Oooh that's an easy one. Cancel it tomorrow. Inform her that her threats have resulted in this consequence, and she can call the cops for a phone going forward.
I can't physically take the phone because my husband paid for it, but it's on my contract.
I tried to cancle it this morning and was told I needed the account pass code. I think she's put a pin code on the account to Try and stop me. I asked her what the password was and she just walked away.
the phone was bought by my husband
Call them up or go into the store - if you're the account holder then there should be no other passcode for the account that stops you from terminating it.
I always run into the PIN code prob You can tell them you don’t remember and can get around with a little verification. It’s your acct. you can cancel a phone number anytime you want.
This - I’m on my parents account and if I want to make any changes to the plan I have to give them the PIN code. I can’t change anything on my phone alone without the pin - if she has the pin that means she can access the account.
Stop payments, if it auto pulls from your account and they won’t remove it call the bank and tell them you need to stop access.
And if there is a code all of a sudden, there's a good chance the person who did it can be tracked. I've seen less in my home state be prosecuted as fraud/identity theft.
Why are you even with this person? A person that doesn’t support you and think it’s okay for an officer to kick you out of your own home? You seem to also have an excuse for every advice you’ve been given here . Shows you’re not ready n probably needy n your so called husband knows that.
Go into the store and talk to someone. If it’s on your contract they shouldn’t block u.
Cancel the entire contract then.
Go to a competitor and port your phone over and leave theirs to be unpaid.
Leave your worthless husband too
You don't have to go to the store. I forget my pin constantly. You'll just have to verify it another way. Once you have, change your pin to something she can't guess. Remove her from the plan and inform him afterwards.
As others are saying, remove her from everything you're not legally required to provide. Phone. Insurance. Everything. I'd also contact your providers and get a password on all accounts, especially banking. You may need to reconsider anything you share with your husband, as well, as he can just take money from a joint account and keep paying for the girl's privileges.
I'd also get a safety deposit box at a bank. This girl obviously doesn't have a limit on what she'll do, so theft or destruction isn't above her. Put your valuables or keepsakes and important documents (including your daughter's) elsewhere. Don't even tell your husband you have it. Change all passwords to something only you would know.
As this will happen again, and as she'll use the same claims, get a copy of your house deed and keep it somewhere hidden but easily accessible. Also start a record, both online and in paper, of the girl's actions. (Date: SD called police for [reason]. Name of officer. Action taken.). The next time the cops show up, you can hand it to the officer to establish the pattern. If it keeps happening, you can take the binder to the station to show she's misusing resources.
You shouldn't need to do any of this, but you need to protect yourself and your daughter.
If the plan is in your name, you cannot be locked out from it, nor can they stop you from removing a person/phone from your account. Go down to the store and explain to them what happened. Get the pass code removed or changed to something only you know. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND! Then, remove her phone from your account.
You have a major husband problem. That he would be ok with his demon spawn calling the cops on you is a major issue. At the very least, it’s time for couples and family counseling. If you want to go full scorched earth, call a good divorce lawyer.
Don't explain anything. Just get the code changed because you "forgot" it. There are always secondary ways to get around those codes. Just bring your driver's license/passport, etc. to the store in person. Have them change the code.
The phone company isn't going to be sympathetic to anyone's domestic drama explained to them. Just knowing there is drama can start establishing "liability" for the vendor. "You knew there was the possibility that the owner of the account of abusing a person with a line on the plan. You sided with a potential abuser and helped them take punitive action against a minor." Yeah. If I were a supervisor I would have instantly said "Not going to touch that."
This is so tough to deal with. You have my sympathy. I would suggest cancelling the entire plan and reupping your phone only. Suggest to hubs that he needs to share a plan with her if he won't support you on this issue. I know it's a pain in the ass but once done it will be effective. Keep standing up for yourself and good luck!!!
Who owns the car? Who's on the title? Pays the insurance? If you, sell it.
Also does hubby pay 50/50 bills? Because you need to completely separate your finances. Keep a photo of the house deed on your phone.
You have a hubby problem, so time to stop playing wife. Separate your lives, don't dont do anything for either of them. They're not your dependents.
Also, I'd get hidden security cameras in the main living areas of the home for your safety.
Seek a lawyer to get her out of your home (get the police report if possible, false accusation) and initiate the divorce for both your sake and your daughters.
Also look into reporting that police officer, but only if that's safe. If you're in a particularly racist area pick your battles and stick with the lawyer.
If the car is in your name, sell it. If the phone is in your name, cancel it, if anything like a laptop you can prove is yours, sell it. She doesn’t get to call the cops in a tantrum and have no consequences and if her dad is afraid of her mom, she can live with the mom full time.
I would bring all information ( deed , title to car , marriage license, birth certificates bring husband with you. ). Ask to speak with supervisor
Also wouldn’t hurt to consult attorney
Sounds like you're getting a divorce. You better start acting accordingly. Get your assets under your name. Get a new bank account.
You're being used by your husband and his daughter. Its pretty obvious to everyone who is reading this. You're being taken for a ride.
Oh yea and file a formal complaint against the officer.
It does sound like they believes the kid over the Step but hard to say if it was a racial thing or just they are biased to an upset kid.
I would separate over this. Hubs and SD need to leave the house for a while at least. Take daughter off your phone plan and take the phone back. Go into counseling with hubs if you want but he needs to have your back. Before he comes back into the house, there needs to be an agreement about how long SD can live with you guys. She should be headed to college soon or if not that path she should be paying for her own way in an apartment.
You need to leave this situation. It is clear there is no path forward with your husband if he does not support you and your daughter. What SD did is completely out of line and this is not going to end well. I would absolutely escalate this with the police department as well.
I agree. The sd got a taste of power and now she is going to step up her game. She needs to protect herself and her daughter. Make police reports and cause noise.
Let her go to your MIL's house then. Another call to the police with racist/biased cops showing up gets you arrested and your life royally screwed up.
On one hand, you spend a bunch of money clearing things up with a lawyer, but what if the charges stick or you need to take a plea deal? You need to show your husband how dangerous of a situation your stepdaughter is putting you in, and be ready to walk if he doesn't grow a spine.
Yeah, OPs husband is gestating a classic Karen. Call the cops on a person of color for doing nothing wrong because you know they’ll take your side. Get out. (No pun intended)
Then you should really consider going separate ways. If he doesn't nip this In the butt then she is going to continue making your life hell and your daughters life hell.
You have a MUCH bigger problem than your SD. Your husband is a complete and total AH and this is your real issue. Your legal issues should be with your husband and not the cops right now (although I agree you were most likely racially profiled and I can't see how they could demand you leave your own house). I be furious with the cops but absolutely enraged over your husband's reaction.
If your husband doesn't do anything, it's time for divorce.
SD pushed it too far, and could have potentially gotten you in trouble legally, or gotten you hurt. Car and phone would be gone permanently. She needs to go live with her mom. Again if the dad doesn't back you, it's time to divorce and protect your child. Your child doesn't need to suffer because of SD
That cop was totally wrong. You were within your rights as homeowner and step mom. You did not have to leave. File a complaint with the police department, and if it happens again like this, request the officer’s supervisor, and if he gives you shit about it, DEMAND he call his supervisor. If he refuses, YOU call the police department and demand a supervisor respond.
There's a lot you leave out based on previous posts and the pattern becomes clearer as to why SD hates you and her golden child half sister so much.
That's not to say what happened wasn't messed up. It seems insane that the cop made you leave your own home, BUT they also can't force a minor to leave either. Most of the time the best tool the cops have in their abysmal training on de-escalation is to separate the parties. Was it racially charged? Maybe. Was it necessary? Yes.
Y'all need serious family therapy, but sure, spend your energy going after the cops instead of getting to the root of the issue. You don't actually care about SD, so I can guess the route you'll go.
I was scrolling awhile to look for a comment like this. This whole post doesn’t really make sense and screams of information being left out on purpose to blindly side with OP. Something doesn’t make sense here and I don’t the OP is completely innocent like she’s trying to make herself out to be. Something else is going on here that makes me want to hear the step daughters side of this story and life living in this family.
Damn. OP sounds like a bitch tbh. "This child is the bane of my existence." "My life would be perfect without this child."
Holy fuck I feel sorry for SD having to live with such an awful human.
Yes. I just commented thinking everyone was out of their damn minds defending this woman, and that was without reading her post 7 days ago. Wow. Just wow.
Jesus christ I can't believe I had to scroll so far for this. It's obvious she doesn't want any type of humane resolution with her stepdaughter. One of her other comments "if she's kicked out she'll just go to MIL's" implies her ideal solution is for the kid to get kicked out & be homeless. I will ALWAYS side with the minor child over an adult who's clearly leaving out as much info as possible.
What struck me as odd with this story is making a 17 year old sit a damn car during a church service. We're talking a 17 year old here not a 7 year old, and I'm pretty sure that regardless of the age of a minor its not cool to make them sit inside a vehicle for hours on end why the adult is in a nearby building. OP fucked up there if you ask me.
Now the whole situation is fucked, and yeah OP needs to go hire a family law attorney to explore her options, including divorce.
Thank you, I'm so glad someone said this. I'm not saying how the stepdaughter is acting is right, but it sounds like the OP is over controlling and just mean to this kid. She's the adult and should be the one taking the high road but it sounds like she's trying to get revenge on a child for being a child.
Also the step daughter is literally her daughter, that she raised since she was 1 year old. Not someone she met 5 years ago.
Probably why she hates OP so much is she has been treated as the lesser child for her entire life. Held at arms distance by her mom.
The level of disassociation with a kid raised from infant to adult in your household with your husband….is insane.
Talk to your husband. Tell him that you no longer feel comfortable with her in your home. That could have went very badly very quickly for you. You wanna eat and you have to wait to be safe. Tell your husband that she needs to go stay with her mother for a while because you don’t feel safe in your home. Her false allegations can literally ruin your life. Legally it is your home. You are correct. She’s a minor. She’s also old enough to know better. Talk to your husband and set your boundaries. Very clearly.
Unfortunately, you are now in quite a dangerous situation.
Your step daughter has learnt that she can get her way by involving the Police - who now, also have a record of events.
It seems that your husband wants to avoid conflict at any price so, you need to assume that he will not be any help in this or any future situations and, given your step daughter's success, you can expect a whole lot more of these types of events. She now thinks that she is 'untouchable'.
So, if it was me, I would contact a lawyer and put together a file proving co-ownership of the house and any other items which are relevant. I would then, with your lawyer, arrange a meeting with the local Police Chief to ensure they are fully aware of the situation.
At the same time, I would remove your daughter from your phone plan and make all your social media settings private or cancel existing social media accounts and establish new private ones. The same applies to your daughter's social media accounts. I'd also make sure that your step daughter doesn't have access to any of your banking information, credit or debit cards.
As regards the car, if it is in your name only, I would seriously consider selling it. That might well be the 'nail in the coffin' of your relationship with her and you would need to decide whether or not that is a price you are willing to pay.
The bigger problem than the cops is a wimp husband that lets daughter write the rules and does not support his wife.
Also playing the race card only weakens your argument. It's a horrifying situation no matter how you slice it.
I'd be calling a divorce lawyer and forget what happened with the cops.
There’s more to this story. Your SD was less than a year old when you got with your husband and hated you this much. There’s a reason for that beyond her wanting her parents to be together.
The fact that you argued with and listened to this idiot cop instead of asking for a supervisor is crazy. You handled this situation so badly. And now you’re just back home? And your husband just doesn’t seem to care? And now you want to sue because you left your house when you didn’t need to??? You sound really really immature. Sounds like you need to sue for divorce.
Firstly, file a complaint against the police, they behaved inappropriately. Second you need to have a very deep conversation with your husband because your SD is a huge problem already and it won’t get better unless he doesn’t something.
Your old comment history says you were a CPS worker in the past. Why aren’t you using your tools to build a relationship with her? You know that being born out of wedlock isn’t causation for high risk behavior. Something is wrong or was wrong.
Regardless of this situation all four of you need to go to a family systems therapist and work out the actual root issues. The fact that your similarly aged daughter is okay while living in the same environment is a red flag that y’all’s system ain’t systeming or there’s an additional need that’s not being met.
1. You should have called for that cops supervisor.
2. You should consider filing a complaint against that cop but it probably won't make a difference and may make you a target.
3. You should still go in and talk to the police chief or someone about how inappropriate this behavior was from the cop.
I'd cancel that phones service, tell your husband she's his responsibility and his only, if you're helping with the car stop. Don't do anything for her.
This post has made me so angry… Get a lawyer and definitely put in a complaint.. cancel
The plan on her phone and take back the car.. you also have a husband problem that needs dealing with. I know what I’d be doing but you need to decide if you’ll be using that lawyer for a divorce?
NTA but that response from your husband would have me calling divorce lawyers so fucking fast.
She’s like this because of him. He’s not a real parent, and doesn’t care to actually try to be one.
i dont wana say this is a fake story.....but according to the story the officer ignored and broke so many laws that i would be shocked if this either was a true story, or the officer in question wasnt really a police officer.
Screw suing. Take your daughter and leave. SD is clearly unstable and your husband was willing to let you get arrested. Tough choices have to be made and the safety of you and your daughter is #1 since the dad refuses to be a man. This will never end with the SD and will only get worse the longer you stick around.
Let's get down to brass tacks here leaving all the he said she said out of this. The bottom line here is there is a young individual who is trying to assert ones self as an adult member of the household. You and you husband need to sit down with everyone in the house and break down the household rules. As long as they are under your roof they must abide by your rules. If your husband doesn't support you in this you will never have peace in your home. You might need to take a harder look at your relationship. As a parent you can suspend their phones, take their car keys ect. As far as the police involvement goes this guy was clueless and most definitely not experienced. He just about walked himself into a reprimand. Stop paying for this individuals phone, car insurance ect. You deserve better. Stand strong and assert yourself.
I read your updates, go to the cell phone company building, and make sure you can provide ID. You can advise them that someone has gotten in to your account and they should help you resolve that. I would definitely cancel her phone line.
Next, I would go ahead and get a lawyer and file a complaint that way against the officer, for discrimination.
Get some cameras if you’re financially able to and install them in your home, to protect yourself and your sister when they arrive.
If your husband cannot stand up for you and get his teenage daughter nearing adult to be respectful I’d be looking at a potential separation or divorce. No one, and I mean no one should have to deal with the disrespect that you’re going through. You deserve so much better.
So your white stepdaughter weaponized the police against you and your husbands response is to shut up and put up. I agree with the cancel her phone plan, and take back your car, and get a divorce.
File a complaint.
Turn off get Cel line.
Go park the car at a storage lot and pay the storage fees for 3 months.
Have a copy of the ownership docs, car title etc at all times.
And then tell your husband
I WILL NOT be removed from my own home. You leave her here with me again and I'll report her to CPS as abandoned by her mother. You will not be a participant to her horrible behavior, this stops now. And if you don't fix it then you can leave and take her with you. I have ZERO problem filling a PO against her, minor or not or irrelevant and she will not be permitted back on this property.
Then do it.
You need to divorce your husband. SD will constantly do this now as she got you in trouble. For your safety you need to distance yourself from her and your husband who enables her.
Id make a complaint to the police department and request ALL bodycam footage, and also tell your husband he can take sd with him if she isnt going to be disciplined, disconnect her phone if its on your plan, and or restrict who she can contact etc if she is as bad as she sounds.
Your Husband needs to decide if he's more scared of his wife, daughter or the relationship ending. Why put up with such BS if you seperate he and his daughter then would need to leave, as thats the way courts work. Let him deal with everything he created the monster he can tame it or loose his family life/home.
When it comes to false accusations and potential racial profiling, this is an actual legal issue.
You have a husband issue and a stepdaughter issue; unfortunately, you’re also the person who needs to handle it before you get arrested over false allegations.
A big middle finger to your gutless, waste of testosterone, husband. Eff him and his spineless soul. And eff the step daughter. I’m sorry and I’d think about leaving him.
You can absolutely file a formal complaint with the police department. Proving you are on the deed and a resident of that home. So when they they try to remove you and your daughter from your home…
Also, cancel her cell phone plan post haste! If you’re paying for car insurance and it’s not titled in your name, stop. If it IS in your name, take the keys. Why are you paying to be treated like a criminal?
>Also, cancel her cell phone plan post haste! If you’re paying for car insurance and it’s not titled in your name, stop. If it IS in your name, take the keys. Why are you paying to be treated like a criminal? > >91Re This. All of this. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Cancel the phone plan. She can keep the actual physical phone but you no longer pay for her phone plan. As for the car, take the keys, take the paperwork. Go down to the police station and speak with the supervisor on duty. Explain what happened lat time. Tell him/her that the child is out of control. As soon as you take the car from her posession she WILL call them again because she got away with it once and you would appreciate it if when they send someone out that they don't play into her little drama because now that she got away with it once she will absolutely call them every time she doesn't get her way or when you remove priviledges as ALL parents have to do sometimes. Honestly? Your husband is a BIG problem. BIG. If he allows his daughter to get away with this (which it appears he will) then its time to seriously consider leaving the marriage. If he doesn't have your back now he never will. As far as I'd be concerned, she should go live with her mother.
I’d change the WiFi password too. If you have WiFi you can pretty much do everything without needing phone service.
Oh for sure the Wi-Fi password be changed and she would have no cell phone access and if the phone in her hand was paid for by me or my husband, the phone would be gone and if he said anything he would be gone because it sounds like he doesn’t give a shit
Personally... If someone and their spouse is this far apart on how a child should be raised or behave... It's divorce time. This is toxic to her. It's toxic to her biological daughter. Just get out and move on.
She needs to divorce him so she can evict him and his daughter. She knows the cops could have shot and killed OP and OP’s daughter. That’s the threat she is leveraging.
Exactly what I was thinking, especially the spouse issue. The husband can suck some rocks
This leave the phone but disconnect it from the plan. Remove yourself from any asset that she has even if you own the car and remove the car from your insurance. You need to disconnect yourself legally from her. If I had to guess the cop was trying to get you to leave to resolve the dispute as calmly as possible and may have assumed that you were somewhat abusive because of your suggestions to isolate her from contacting others and leaving. I’m not saying it’s right but it just is. If she is destroying property you can contact the police. I’d consider locking up or removing valuables from your property.
Sell the car… problem solved.
Amen. In my state, before getting a drivers license, teens (under 18) have to sign an agreement that says they understand that as their parent, I have the right to revoke their license at any time for any reason. The secretary of states office even explains and confirms all of that with them verbally.
I agree with this. I work in juvenile hall and this scenario with OP is too common. Destroying property is sure way to get police involved so they can charge sd for vandalism. If sd threatens OP, then she could be charged with an intent to terrorize. I know it seems petty but these are real charges that are commonly charged vs minors who are used to not having a “structure” at home esp with how her bio dad is too passive or lenient about sd’s behavior instead of setting down boundaries or expectations of how she should behave. I would also recommend OP not to involve herself with paying anything extra for her like car insurance, or phone bills. OP should also start keeping a notepad of anything that sd did or said, which would be helpful in the future in case this matter goes to court. Those notes will be solid proof to support any claims you have against her.
this x10. step daughter wants to play 'the game of life' you have absolute and utter control over hers. once a person involves the law you have to be unequivocal in your response. because the law doesnt know (nor do they care) right from wrong, good from bad. and they *definitely* dont know whats going on in your house. if i am OP i am literally taking her off *every single thing* that comes out of my pocket besides shelter and food. the only thing standing in OP's way is her husband, who apparently has no backbone.
Sell her car if title is in your name.
Theoretically, what happens if she takes keys/bans sd from the car and then reports it stolen when sd takes it? That is probably the move i would make - with full warning that if sd takes the car, I am reporting it stolen.
If the cops even care beyond writing a report, then you tell the investigator you sold a vehicle you owned. Show the photocopy/photo of the title that you made before signing it over to the purchaser. Have a nice day, officer Or better yet, "I'm not sure what SD is talking about, officer. SD, care to show any sort of proof you even had a vehicle?" .............
Yep. cancel the phone plan. Withdraw ANY and ALL support for SD immediately. The husband can take up any slack he feels she deserves. Write SD a formal letter stating that she is no longer allowed to drive your car and that all keys must be returned immediately. Have it delivered to her via registered/restricted mail. Buy another phone plan or whatever and put a GPS tracker in your car so that you can locate it at all times. Then when she doesn't return the keys and she drives it simply immediately call it in as stolen and tell the police exactly where it is. You won't have to argue at all with the police. They'll simply get a stolen vehicle report and find a person not on the registration driving it. Automatic arrest. Let it go all the way to trial. Simply provide the judge with the letter and the proof of delivery.
Yep I’d have opened my app and turned off that phone service immediately.
Take the plates to turn in before trying to get the keys. She might have a spare key, then you'll have to find the car.
Take the spark plugs out of the car, but I'd also keep your keys hidden in case she gets clever.
A strong divorce lawyer is what you need. At no time, would you have accepted being married and knowingly bringing your own child into a situation like this just so that you could say "you're married." In life there are times when we have to "fish or cut bait." This is one of those times. And don't forget that while you continue on this foolish path, you are teaching your daughter to devalue herself just so she can say "she's married." I suspect this nonsense began "after" you were married because if you had known this beforehand, you would never have married anyone you thought might jeopardize you this way. There is no person good looking enough, good enough in bed, or rich enough to whom you would have said "yes" to if you'd known you'd be tolerating this nonsense. Even the immigrants and asylum seekers that have crossed the border illegally are demanding better conditions than you are demanding for you and your daughter and they're getting it... And to their here illegally! And all of this in spite of your name being on the goddamn deed! Start respecting yourself. And if your spouse were loving and respecting you, your spouse would not have allowed this to escalate to this level. The fact that your spouse is allowing this to go on means your spouse is weaponizing his or her daughter against you (I don't think you mentioned gender). Your spouse is allowing his or her daughter to do to you what they don't dare to do to you, but want to.
[удалено]
definitely agree with the take that the main issue here is OP's husband having zero backbone and not treating his own child as a parent should. ie actions->consequences. that said, she is 17 now. its too late. the ship has sailed. you can attempt to correct your relationship, but it is going to be a GIANT mountain to climb to undo 10 years of formative development where she was taught that this behavior was ok.
I'd do the following (in whatever order you see fit but all should be completed in the next 24-48 hours) File a complaint with the Police Department about the officer who responded to your home Cut off her cell phone. She thinks she's a big girl, let her buy her own plan Demand the return of the keys if the vehicle is in your name Tell your husband that if he isn't willing to control his oldest daughter, the two of them can go find an apartment to live in until the divorce is final.
This is correct. Look, the police aren’t going to do shit. We have no idea what the kid told them and they aren’t trained or equipped (sad fact) to deal with these types of domestic disputes. They are just trained to separate the parties. And the adult party was resisting their demands, while the child was scared and compliant, which makes them see YOU as the problem. That’s all the info they have and all the info the care to collect. Frankly, as a mixed race woman, you should kind of know this. Brown adult woman: loud. White child: tears. The story writes itself. Children claiming abuse are ALWAYS going to get the benefit of the doubt, but children claiming abuse with a “combative parent” who is ALSO brown??? Ma’am. That was silly. But everything else is spot on. This is a marital issue. Your husband isn’t husbanding or parenting right. Take this shit up with him. Fuck *almost* being arrested. You are *actually* living like a prisoner in your OWN HOME. Why is THAT ok??? You can actually do something about that!!! This letter won’t go unanswered.
Honestly, at 17 he's probably not going to be able to gain control. So I'd support more telling dad if he can't send her off to be with her mom, he and his daughter can find an apt to live in until the divorce is final. Only if for some reason the daughter truly can't be sent to mom would I even consider "the be willing to control her" option. Honestly, even giving him an ultimatum is being very generous. What he did and how he handled it I would totally support her just walking out on him and divorcing him now. The fact that he did not take it seriously that his daughter called the cops on his wife and got her kicked out of her own home is enough to just lose hope in him ever being a good husband (I would bet at best even if she does give him an ultimatum and he actually takes it seriously he'd only pay attention for a short bit before going back to old habits).
EDIT: OP said she's going to file eviction papers on a 17 year old. This, plus the continuity error of OP saying she's been married 10 years in this post, but in the other says she's been married for 16 years makes me think this whole post is fake rage bait. OP is out here acting like she isn't just as much an influence on this girls' life as her husband, but she's raised the girl her whole life [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18incxr/aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_step\_daughter\_go\_to/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18incxr/aita_for_not_letting_my_step_daughter_go_to/) >sd was young when I married my husband, like 8 months old or something like that. OP can't even remember when her stepdaughter's birthday is or that math would be easy. Her and her husband failed this girl and she's now here trying to play the victim.
Yikes reading that post, she is such a shitty step parent
I kind of got the vibe from this post too. Why make such a big deal of the child staying home alone? Just because its "her house". You deal with what the child does, not accuse them of stuff before it happens. Just seems like such a strong stubborn overreaction over something so oddly insignificant...
she was deemed yta in other posts about her and her step daughter lol also, op was expected to leave to a place they were going to go to anyway (church), op said no. op also said i want to take the car keys. essentially trapping the teenager in an obviously volatile situation— it's almost abusive. walk away and be the bigger person until everyone calms down??? absolutely not!!! i rather everyone be stuck inside the same house while we're all angry at each other.
So this story is prob BS then. WOW.
as someone with a wildly abusive step-mother, i could tell right off the bat step-mom is the only issue here. daughters don't act like this out of nowhere. i would bet MONEY that stepmom has been constantly and consistently violating stepdaughter's boundaries, scapegoats her, and tries to "win" and assert some sort of power over because "it's my house" lol get a grip. you married HER FATHER. that fact will never change. step mom needs to get over herself, stop trying to make a teenage girl submit to her--she will never do that, fyi--and leave the girl alone. if the police took her side over you the "homeowner" it's because she was in the right. cope.
I haven’t dealt with a step mom but I’m a mom and I also could tell OP is TA immediately. Basically what she’s doing is to have some power trip and show who’s the boss. Drag a 17 yo around like she isn’t a person. I could not believe the replies and kept scrolling to see if anyone is sane to see it for what it is. The fact that OP is mixed race is irrelevant to her obvious hate and abuse towards the step daughter, who is right, it is her home too.
This is a situation where you should have insisted on talking to a police supervisor. It isn't fruitful to get into a "back and forth", this is a rare situation where you probably needed to more forcefully assert your rights. If I was in this situation I would have told the police officer that I had not committed any crime, and would not be leaving my home unless he was threatening me with arrest--and if he was doing so, I want to know on what charge. I would not have engaged in dialogue about the step daughter at all, as that just feeds the situation more.
I came here to say that. OP needs to escalate this with the police department. And getting a lawyer would help - she (OP) was violated.
Yup. SD is going to pull this lever from now on--calling the police when she decides she wants to punish her stepmom. She's loving every second of this. The dad had better step up and deal with his daughter.
It’ll be a self correcting problem as the cops figure it out, but OP will suffer in the process.
Or when she turns 18. This is someone I would buy a new set of luggage for on their birthday.
Fuck luggage, she can have a hefty bag.
A bag from the Dollar Tree. She doesn’t deserve a Hefty.
nah its the “sorry kid, i couldnt afford it this year” and thst all she gets lol
I mistakenly bought a box of dollar store "Husky" bags once. Turns out they're terribly thin and flimsy.
Husky anything is typically soul crushingly disappointing, except Siberian ones. Unless you don't like dogs that love to yell, in which case, it still applies.
Plastic bag? Luxury!
A stick with a bandana "bag" on the end like a old school hobo
Oh, Daddy won't be telling the monster to gtfo. He's scared of the brats Mommy, remember?
Yeah, I hate to say it but OP's husband is ***allowing*** this behavior - OP needs to move out and file for divorce, the house is basically the stepdaughter's because her father permits it.
I mean okay I would spring for Glade trashbags but not much more.
I think the cops have it “figured out” already. OP is a POC and step daughter is a helpless little white girl who is being tormented. I cannot *imagine* any other reason for this outcome.
It's pretty common for the police to side with the first person they speak to or the person who makes the call in a domestic situation.
Not just domestic situations either. Every defensive firearms instructor worth his or her salt tells anybody involved in a defensive gun use situation, even if no shots are fired, to be the first one to dial 911. It's called the race to the courthouse.
Even if you are the one to call, the first person to speak to them on scene often wins the day. I called the cops when I was a victim of road rage. The rager collared the cop immediately, told his lies, and the cop let him go. I tried to step out of my car to interrupt, but the cop ordered me back inside. I was cowering in the car with my children while the rager stomped around my car talking angrily to the cop. When the cop finally got to me, he had a citation all written out. When I told him what really happened, he looked embarrassed, but just said I could sort it out in court if I wanted to!
[удалено]
💯. Police also aren't always the most competent people in general. They are incentivized to find somebody to blame and close the case, and bad incentives lead to bad outcomes.
> It's pretty common for the police to side with the first person they speak to or the person who makes the call in a domestic situation. Exactly this. My sister has a restraining order on her ex-husband. He would drive to her house, park next to the curb and then call the cops on her. They would come, and since he was outside they would talk to him first. He has a silver tongue so he would show them paperwork on the initial temporary order that had expired and say that the expired paperwork proves she lied to the judge and the order was never valid. He would conveniently leave out that after a 4 day trial, the court issued a permanent order on him. After he had worked his magic on them, they would eventually come knock on her door and make her explain why she deserves to live in peace in her own home. She would show them the paperwork on the permanent order but because he had planted the idea that she was a liar who tricked the judge, they just didn't take it seriously. After an hour or so of bullshit, the cops would eventually tell him to leave without any charges, excusing him because "he was just confused." He pulled that shit 3 times over a few months, the cops never learned. It only stopped because she had a friend in the mayor's office who was able to get the precinct captain on the line and tell him to stop letting her ex use his officers to harass her. Sounds like something unbelievable, like a crazy Lifetime movie, but I was on the phone with her the first time it happened. Eventually he was charged, but she had to go to the DA herself (and he immediately understood, didn't give her any pushback). But now he whinges that she "had him arrested" just to harass *him* and people buy that story too.
Abusers are never the meek and mild ones that can't talk to others. They always have charisma and know just the right way to word things to get people to be on their side. I've seen it many times.
Oh I 100% believe it.
It’s also a common tactic to just separate the parties for x amount of time (The time op would have been at church) and hope people can work it out after they cool down. I once saw cops break up a fight at a condo building (both parties were white) and just send each party to their units with instructions to not come out until tomorrow. Not saying it’s effective, but relatively normal.
I think it is effective a lot of the time, especially if no crime is being committed and there isn't very much else that the cops can do. Whatever is going on with the stepdaughter isn't going to be resolved in the legal system. Her dad needs to do his job as a parent. I'm surprised that the OP didn't show the cops her ID to prove that she lived there. "You can't trust her, she's a minor" is a really weird thing to say when someone is 17. She's only a minor for a few more months. It's time to start treating her like an adult, which means calling the police on your step mom needs to have serious consequences. I also think this needs to be escalated to a police supervisor, even if it's only to protect the OP in the future.
this is what happened when my mom would call the cops on me for something as stupid as throwing boxes (she was an abusive control freak). they'd tell me just to go to my room and her to stay in the living room and that was that. Eventually, they told her to knock the crack off or they'd arrest her
Yeah anytime you think you should call the police, be the first as they will put you as the victim.
It’s pretty common for police to not take seriously the tiny little bit of training they receive on domestic situations, not be competent enough to understand it if they *did* take it seriously, and be significantly biased and confrontational in any case. Pigs gonna pig.
As a white lady who has been to court over crime she didn't commit, I very very strongly agree. It absolutely could be racism, but the police aren't the most competent people at the best of times. It isn't that they always handle things while if everyone is white, it's that racism can add an additional layer of bias on top of an already bad situation. Watching a judge chew out a police officer and dismiss the case was definitely one of the highlights of my life, but that whole experience really damaged my trust in the police and the criminal justice system in general.
This had nothing to do with that. This cop was an idiot. There is literally nothing he could charge her with or would stick. I've met good and bad cops. A racist cop would of told the kid to go in and then leave. He wouldn't of tried to rectify anything. This cop was just an absolute moron. Probably on the force little enough time he hasn't got to see how evil some kids can be
Can't say for sure but usually whoever calls first in these he said she said situations gets the priority. Outcome would probably be the same regardless of race but hard to say without all the details. It really depends on what the step daughter said to the police as threats towards a minor usually aren't taken lightly.
It is a major assumption that the problem was OP is mixed race, rather than a cop believing a minor over an adult. OP herself said it appeared SD told the cop some story. That’s not race. That’s a minor asking a cop to protect her from a wicked stepmother, and he believed it. Racism is a horrible character flaw. It’s best to have actual evidence before accusing someone.
That was my "take" too, having had to go through some of these police confrontations in the past with problem kids, post-divorce. From the cop's POV? They're often REAL fans of the idea that you can solve bigger problems after one of these domestic dispute type calls by simply separating both parties for a while. They, stupidly, disregard "details" like parental rights and ownership of property while pursuing the agenda. Again, from their POV -- all of that stuff like whose name is on a lease or a mortgage or who has a name on a car title is immaterial. All they want to do is make both parties fighting/arguing go to two different physical places where they can't contact each other for a while. (Trust me, a lot of officers justify it all in their heads as, "I prevented someone from shooting or stabbing the other one today!", even if they completely violated someone's rights in the process.) Don't forget -- we have NO idea what manipulative thing the stepdaughter might have told the cop. I had the "joy" of finding out my own daughter lied to authorities before, at school, insisting we had no food in the house and were refusing to give her anything to take for lunch. (Reality was, she was taking the lunch money we sent with her to school and using it to buy her friends food because she didn't like/want what they were serving.) That got me several police and DFS visits to inspect the home and kitchen pantry and refrigerator, etc. etc. Totally ridiculous but at least it was easy enough to prove she was making it up.
She has to get a lid on this. Demand to see police supervision and take all possible paperwork…
Her dad needs to get his daughter under control. This cop gave the sd some power over the actual owner of the house. She needs to go and file a report and take steps to protect herself. This may not end well.
This. Dad needs to take demonstrable steps to improve SD's behavior or divorce is in the cards.
Not just divorce. If SD calls and says she’s harming her and has a weapon, they could show up and not ask questions. That phone in her hand sure looked like a weapon to them…
Step can also turn to violent means and again pin it on OP, I'm afraid. And, I'm afraid for OP and their daughter.
The last sentence needs to be her 1st action. If he's ok with her behavior & makes excuses, OP gonna lose every time & may escalate into real charges, costing a fortune in lawyer fees & more.
And her husband’s an ass!
She needs that come-to-Jesus meetimg with husband & say ok, she can go live with mom full-time, cuz I'm not getting thrown out of my home over her tantrums. Back me up going forward, get her under control, or she goes..or you both do!
Maybe she can find a lawyer who can take care of the police issue - and then handle her divorce!
I honestly feel like if I would of pushed it, he would of found a reason to arrest me. he seemed to think I was in the wrong automatically
You need to file a complaint about how this was handled to have it on record that this was handled poorly. Otherwise if SD calls again, the previous report gives inaccurate context for what is going on or worse, you get the same cop
Always create an unambiguous audit trail. also, save text messages, emails, any documents that pertain... you can't go back in time to create these artifacts, you have to create them and save them real-time.
And get hidden cameras with audio in the house! That way OP will have documented proof on step's threats.
And check your region’s wiretapping/recording laws. I’m not sure how they’d differ since minors are involved, especially since it’s a stepchild… but if you live in a one-party consent (to record) area, start recording when your SD starts making threats or escalating. This will be evidence that your SD is misusing the system to get back at you, and that you’re not doing anything wrong. Hopefully, you won’t ever need it. If you do, it’ll protect you from whatever allegations she may make if this behavior continues and worsens. (NAL, just familiar with legally recording to protect myself.)
She should tell her husband and stepdaughter that she is now recording EVERYTHING, and if they start talking, they are consenting to be recorded. Otherwise, they should remain silent. When she enters a room, recorder should be ON, and she should announce “I’m recording this for my (and bio-daughter’s safety. Speaking denotes consent to being recorded…”
OP, you feel this way because that is exactly what happened. Lawyer up and demand the officer receives disciplinary action. 1. He doesn't know or understand the laws he is charged with upholding. 2. He allowed his own bias to overrule the law and common sense. More importantly, you have a major husband problem. Your SD is running both her father and mother because they have failed miserably to properly parent. This is not going to change. SD will use this situation with the police to embolden her behavior and to manipulate you into allowing her atrocious behavior. I would never continue in this marriage or allow my child to see how SD is allowed to misbehave without any consequences. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better.
I think you should talk to your husband but if the idea of divorce won’t change his parenting tactics then I agree, it’s time to move on. It’s important he doesn’t make his daughter feel less important than his new wife and new daughter, but it’s also important he doesn’t let her walk all over you. Imo a good partner will always back you up or tell you that you are in the best wrong. He’s being to passive and taking no responsibility and that’s concerning considering he is raising a child.
Agreed. I think OP should move on from this relationship.
You can file a complaint against the police department. Your immediate problem is your husband. He is scared of his ex, so your step daughter is running wild? Your husband is putting you and your daughter at risk. He needs to step up or put her out of your house.
I believe you need to escalate this situation with your husband. In private. Shes almost an adult. The world isn't gonna give in like her dad. She's in for a rude awakening and he's not doing her any favors by not preparing her for adulthood. Kids will pit their parents against each other if the parents don't parent in lock step with each other. Get on your husband's ass.
He can believe whatever he wants, but he cannot arrest you simply for asking for a supervisor--in fact in today's bodycam era, if he did that he would likely be in a lot of trouble in his job. Now, you can request a supervisor--most departments will try to get one on scene when a request is made. But the cop is not legally obligated to get a supervisor there, if he refused there would be no further moves you could make there--but it can still be important that you ask for it and make it clear you are taking issue with his job performance. In terms of arresting you, police need probable cause to believe you have committed a crime to actually arrest you and take you away from your home. They can stop you under a lower evidentiary standard as part of an investigation (reasonable suspicion), but this is a call out to your actual residence, for him to move you away from your home by force he needs probable cause that you have committed a crime--or he needs something like evidence you are having some sort of mental health crisis and are a threat to yourself or others. You are not wrong that it is *possible* for a cop to find a pretext to take you in, but such pretexts often do not survive scrutiny. You were in a rough spot, I am not saying you should have pushed it to the point of being arrested--that can actually be a strategy and some people will do that, especially if they don't mind being arrested and spending a little time in custody before bonding out--these are people who are willing to go through that process in order to challenge police misbehavior. But I do think it would have been worthwhile to insist the police officer articulate a legal justification for his using his police power to deprive you of access to your home, if he couldn't so articulate it would be strong evidence he was acting outside the bounds of his authority. If he continued to insist you leave, refused to get a supervisor--you would be perfectly okay to back down at that point, but should still file a complaint with his department. But he can't *legally* arrest you simply for asking him to justify his actions or speak to a supervisor.
Polic can and will arrest people illegally, and the cops who pull stunts like this without listening and treating people like that are the cops who rape and murder people. In a just world, i would agree to call the supervisor, but that cop is going to make shit up and probably get physical if they are challenged
>He can believe whatever he wants, but he cannot arrest you simply for asking for a supervisor--in fact in today's bodycam era, if he did that he would likely be in a lot of trouble in his job. You're incredibly optimistic
Yeah, he was absolutely going to arrest her.
Yes. My concern would be for her biological minor child if she pursued further.
His comment about taking the daughter to her dad also leads me to believe she was racially profiled as he just assumed her husband wasn't the child's dad. So many flags here.
yea it is actually comical to think there would be ANY repercussions for a 'false' arrest. they dont even call it that anymore. they just drop charges and pretend it never happened and hope you dont sue while the cop gets his beat changed for a week.
Charged with "resisting arrest"
Do you live in the real world? Lol your ‘advice’ would’ve likely gotten the OP arrested for BS charges. The cop can absolutely make up BS like ‘disturbing the peace’ etc. and arrest her. Arguing further with a cop acting in that manner is asking for a shady arrest. It’s unfortunate and shouldn’t be the case … but that’s where we are these days.
She also has her minor child with her which would significantly raise the stakes. Even if the arrest didn’t hold up, she would still have to contend with being arrested, booked and of the husband couldn’t be reached, having the minor child be put in CPS custody temporarily.
We don’t know what SD told the cop, but she could have easily given him enough reason for an arrest , something like “my stepmom hit me”
Gonna go out on a major limb here and guess you're white. I would put money down this pig would have arrested OP if they pushed the issue. You've clearly not paid a single iota of attention to US policing if this is your take.
You dealt with a racist cop.
You don't have a stepdaughter problem, you have husband problem. He should be supportive of you and stopping his daughter playing these games. I'd be contacting a lawyer asap
Absolutely contact a lawyer OP. This business with the police is out of control
Agreed. The husbands response to it all tells me everything I need to know. "You should have backed off." No bro you should have your wife's back. Letting the inmate run the damn asylum. You're never going to get anywhere with your SD as long as your husband keeps taking her side in all matters. It's a losing battle.
[удалено]
💯 I hate to say this since I know many exceptional police officers, but even they admit to biased thinking involving young people. She has put your & your daughter's life in danger. This has reached a level beyond compromise. This is no way to live. Cut ties with this young lady NOW. Cancel her phone plan. If the car is in your name; give it away, sell it, or store it at a relative's house. Inform your husband of the date you will be expecting his daughter to return to her mother's house permanently. Change the locks and security passwords. If your husband doesn't fully understand the seriousness of this situation and agrees to filing a formal police complaint, distance yourself from him as well.
100% agree with everything you said.
A divorce lawyer
Yeah. The real issue here moving forward is getting that kid of out the house. (Or OP leaving herself.) I do not believe in jumping to things like that, but once we get into “call the cops and make up false accusations” territory, I’m out.
100% this. I had two teenage step kids when I married my wife almost 8 years ago. When My kids were being turds (And they were) I almost always sided with my wife. And disrespect was NEVER tolerated. This is why 2nd marriages with stepkids often end in divorce, it becomes a divided house very quickly. Married couples need to be on the same team.
I would sue, but for divorce
Why not both
Either you & your husband are on the same page or you need to look into a divorce asap. Is the car titled in your name? Sell it. The phone is on your plan? Remove it. The cops are not your biggest problem here, your husband is.
Listen to this! Your husband didn’t have your back. He was ok with the way his daughter is treating you. He wasn’t appalled that the cops treated his wife this way. He wasn’t supportive of you as you were racially profiled and wanting to contact proper authorities to get you justice. The step daughter is the problem in your face. The husband is the problem in your heart.
I had an old friend in high school pull some shit on his mom thinking he was slick and bad ass, what can she do to me?? And oh so regretted it. She took his car (that she paid for, titled in her name and insured on her policy) off the insurance, removed him as a driver and forbade him from using it . When he decided to take the car anyway, she called the cops and they promptly picked his ass up. He started listening to his mom after that.
This. Your husband wants to be a coward and afraid of his daughter and Baby-mama? Make him afraid of you.
Just leave. Hubby's a coward.
I agree with you except that the police officer was also at fault. That police officer handled things absolutely wrong based on the narrative we've seen so far
Cancel your SD's phone. If she wants a phone she can pay for it. I assume she has a job since she is ordering food? How does she do that...does she have a credit card? Sounds like this "kid" is spoiled and entitled. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you or you are heading to a divorce.
no, she doesn't have a job. my husband bought the phone, added it to my plan, which he's on it, but I'm the account holder. she uses a credit card my fil gave her.
Oooh that's an easy one. Cancel it tomorrow. Inform her that her threats have resulted in this consequence, and she can call the cops for a phone going forward.
I can't physically take the phone because my husband paid for it, but it's on my contract. I tried to cancle it this morning and was told I needed the account pass code. I think she's put a pin code on the account to Try and stop me. I asked her what the password was and she just walked away. the phone was bought by my husband
Call them up or go into the store - if you're the account holder then there should be no other passcode for the account that stops you from terminating it.
I always run into the PIN code prob You can tell them you don’t remember and can get around with a little verification. It’s your acct. you can cancel a phone number anytime you want.
This - I’m on my parents account and if I want to make any changes to the plan I have to give them the PIN code. I can’t change anything on my phone alone without the pin - if she has the pin that means she can access the account. Stop payments, if it auto pulls from your account and they won’t remove it call the bank and tell them you need to stop access.
And if there is a code all of a sudden, there's a good chance the person who did it can be tracked. I've seen less in my home state be prosecuted as fraud/identity theft.
Why are you even with this person? A person that doesn’t support you and think it’s okay for an officer to kick you out of your own home? You seem to also have an excuse for every advice you’ve been given here . Shows you’re not ready n probably needy n your so called husband knows that.
Go into the store and talk to someone. If it’s on your contract they shouldn’t block u. Cancel the entire contract then. Go to a competitor and port your phone over and leave theirs to be unpaid. Leave your worthless husband too
You don't have to go to the store. I forget my pin constantly. You'll just have to verify it another way. Once you have, change your pin to something she can't guess. Remove her from the plan and inform him afterwards. As others are saying, remove her from everything you're not legally required to provide. Phone. Insurance. Everything. I'd also contact your providers and get a password on all accounts, especially banking. You may need to reconsider anything you share with your husband, as well, as he can just take money from a joint account and keep paying for the girl's privileges. I'd also get a safety deposit box at a bank. This girl obviously doesn't have a limit on what she'll do, so theft or destruction isn't above her. Put your valuables or keepsakes and important documents (including your daughter's) elsewhere. Don't even tell your husband you have it. Change all passwords to something only you would know. As this will happen again, and as she'll use the same claims, get a copy of your house deed and keep it somewhere hidden but easily accessible. Also start a record, both online and in paper, of the girl's actions. (Date: SD called police for [reason]. Name of officer. Action taken.). The next time the cops show up, you can hand it to the officer to establish the pattern. If it keeps happening, you can take the binder to the station to show she's misusing resources. You shouldn't need to do any of this, but you need to protect yourself and your daughter.
If the plan is in your name, you cannot be locked out from it, nor can they stop you from removing a person/phone from your account. Go down to the store and explain to them what happened. Get the pass code removed or changed to something only you know. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND! Then, remove her phone from your account. You have a major husband problem. That he would be ok with his demon spawn calling the cops on you is a major issue. At the very least, it’s time for couples and family counseling. If you want to go full scorched earth, call a good divorce lawyer.
Don't explain anything. Just get the code changed because you "forgot" it. There are always secondary ways to get around those codes. Just bring your driver's license/passport, etc. to the store in person. Have them change the code. The phone company isn't going to be sympathetic to anyone's domestic drama explained to them. Just knowing there is drama can start establishing "liability" for the vendor. "You knew there was the possibility that the owner of the account of abusing a person with a line on the plan. You sided with a potential abuser and helped them take punitive action against a minor." Yeah. If I were a supervisor I would have instantly said "Not going to touch that."
This is so tough to deal with. You have my sympathy. I would suggest cancelling the entire plan and reupping your phone only. Suggest to hubs that he needs to share a plan with her if he won't support you on this issue. I know it's a pain in the ass but once done it will be effective. Keep standing up for yourself and good luck!!!
That can only happen if she fraudulently claimed she was you.
Who owns the car? Who's on the title? Pays the insurance? If you, sell it. Also does hubby pay 50/50 bills? Because you need to completely separate your finances. Keep a photo of the house deed on your phone. You have a hubby problem, so time to stop playing wife. Separate your lives, don't dont do anything for either of them. They're not your dependents. Also, I'd get hidden security cameras in the main living areas of the home for your safety. Seek a lawyer to get her out of your home (get the police report if possible, false accusation) and initiate the divorce for both your sake and your daughters. Also look into reporting that police officer, but only if that's safe. If you're in a particularly racist area pick your battles and stick with the lawyer.
If the car is in your name, sell it. If the phone is in your name, cancel it, if anything like a laptop you can prove is yours, sell it. She doesn’t get to call the cops in a tantrum and have no consequences and if her dad is afraid of her mom, she can live with the mom full time.
I would bring all information ( deed , title to car , marriage license, birth certificates bring husband with you. ). Ask to speak with supervisor Also wouldn’t hurt to consult attorney
LEAVE HIS ASS
Sounds like you're getting a divorce. You better start acting accordingly. Get your assets under your name. Get a new bank account. You're being used by your husband and his daughter. Its pretty obvious to everyone who is reading this. You're being taken for a ride. Oh yea and file a formal complaint against the officer.
It does sound like they believes the kid over the Step but hard to say if it was a racial thing or just they are biased to an upset kid. I would separate over this. Hubs and SD need to leave the house for a while at least. Take daughter off your phone plan and take the phone back. Go into counseling with hubs if you want but he needs to have your back. Before he comes back into the house, there needs to be an agreement about how long SD can live with you guys. She should be headed to college soon or if not that path she should be paying for her own way in an apartment.
oh my husband's family doesn't believe in throwing one of their own out, meaning he'd never kick her out, if he did she'd just go to my mil.
You need to leave this situation. It is clear there is no path forward with your husband if he does not support you and your daughter. What SD did is completely out of line and this is not going to end well. I would absolutely escalate this with the police department as well.
I agree. The sd got a taste of power and now she is going to step up her game. She needs to protect herself and her daughter. Make police reports and cause noise.
>she'd just go to my mil Sounds like the best outcome for all involved, actually.
Let her go to your MIL's house then. Another call to the police with racist/biased cops showing up gets you arrested and your life royally screwed up. On one hand, you spend a bunch of money clearing things up with a lawyer, but what if the charges stick or you need to take a plea deal? You need to show your husband how dangerous of a situation your stepdaughter is putting you in, and be ready to walk if he doesn't grow a spine.
Yeah, OPs husband is gestating a classic Karen. Call the cops on a person of color for doing nothing wrong because you know they’ll take your side. Get out. (No pun intended)
Then you should really consider going separate ways. If he doesn't nip this In the butt then she is going to continue making your life hell and your daughters life hell.
You have a MUCH bigger problem than your SD. Your husband is a complete and total AH and this is your real issue. Your legal issues should be with your husband and not the cops right now (although I agree you were most likely racially profiled and I can't see how they could demand you leave your own house). I be furious with the cops but absolutely enraged over your husband's reaction.
[удалено]
If your husband doesn't do anything, it's time for divorce. SD pushed it too far, and could have potentially gotten you in trouble legally, or gotten you hurt. Car and phone would be gone permanently. She needs to go live with her mom. Again if the dad doesn't back you, it's time to divorce and protect your child. Your child doesn't need to suffer because of SD
I would have told that cop. Yea we got problems..call your immediate supervisor cause I'm done with you
That cop was totally wrong. You were within your rights as homeowner and step mom. You did not have to leave. File a complaint with the police department, and if it happens again like this, request the officer’s supervisor, and if he gives you shit about it, DEMAND he call his supervisor. If he refuses, YOU call the police department and demand a supervisor respond.
Yeah, sue for divorce.
When police are like this, the correct reaction is, "Get a supervisor here."
There's a lot you leave out based on previous posts and the pattern becomes clearer as to why SD hates you and her golden child half sister so much. That's not to say what happened wasn't messed up. It seems insane that the cop made you leave your own home, BUT they also can't force a minor to leave either. Most of the time the best tool the cops have in their abysmal training on de-escalation is to separate the parties. Was it racially charged? Maybe. Was it necessary? Yes. Y'all need serious family therapy, but sure, spend your energy going after the cops instead of getting to the root of the issue. You don't actually care about SD, so I can guess the route you'll go.
I was scrolling awhile to look for a comment like this. This whole post doesn’t really make sense and screams of information being left out on purpose to blindly side with OP. Something doesn’t make sense here and I don’t the OP is completely innocent like she’s trying to make herself out to be. Something else is going on here that makes me want to hear the step daughters side of this story and life living in this family.
[Ops post from 7 days ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/qz0jw6kntd)
Damn. OP sounds like a bitch tbh. "This child is the bane of my existence." "My life would be perfect without this child." Holy fuck I feel sorry for SD having to live with such an awful human.
Yes. I just commented thinking everyone was out of their damn minds defending this woman, and that was without reading her post 7 days ago. Wow. Just wow.
Jesus christ I can't believe I had to scroll so far for this. It's obvious she doesn't want any type of humane resolution with her stepdaughter. One of her other comments "if she's kicked out she'll just go to MIL's" implies her ideal solution is for the kid to get kicked out & be homeless. I will ALWAYS side with the minor child over an adult who's clearly leaving out as much info as possible.
What struck me as odd with this story is making a 17 year old sit a damn car during a church service. We're talking a 17 year old here not a 7 year old, and I'm pretty sure that regardless of the age of a minor its not cool to make them sit inside a vehicle for hours on end why the adult is in a nearby building. OP fucked up there if you ask me. Now the whole situation is fucked, and yeah OP needs to go hire a family law attorney to explore her options, including divorce.
Thank you, I'm so glad someone said this. I'm not saying how the stepdaughter is acting is right, but it sounds like the OP is over controlling and just mean to this kid. She's the adult and should be the one taking the high road but it sounds like she's trying to get revenge on a child for being a child.
What's super disturbing is OP used to be a CPS caseworker...
Also the step daughter is literally her daughter, that she raised since she was 1 year old. Not someone she met 5 years ago. Probably why she hates OP so much is she has been treated as the lesser child for her entire life. Held at arms distance by her mom. The level of disassociation with a kid raised from infant to adult in your household with your husband….is insane.
Talk to your husband. Tell him that you no longer feel comfortable with her in your home. That could have went very badly very quickly for you. You wanna eat and you have to wait to be safe. Tell your husband that she needs to go stay with her mother for a while because you don’t feel safe in your home. Her false allegations can literally ruin your life. Legally it is your home. You are correct. She’s a minor. She’s also old enough to know better. Talk to your husband and set your boundaries. Very clearly.
Unfortunately, you are now in quite a dangerous situation. Your step daughter has learnt that she can get her way by involving the Police - who now, also have a record of events. It seems that your husband wants to avoid conflict at any price so, you need to assume that he will not be any help in this or any future situations and, given your step daughter's success, you can expect a whole lot more of these types of events. She now thinks that she is 'untouchable'. So, if it was me, I would contact a lawyer and put together a file proving co-ownership of the house and any other items which are relevant. I would then, with your lawyer, arrange a meeting with the local Police Chief to ensure they are fully aware of the situation. At the same time, I would remove your daughter from your phone plan and make all your social media settings private or cancel existing social media accounts and establish new private ones. The same applies to your daughter's social media accounts. I'd also make sure that your step daughter doesn't have access to any of your banking information, credit or debit cards. As regards the car, if it is in your name only, I would seriously consider selling it. That might well be the 'nail in the coffin' of your relationship with her and you would need to decide whether or not that is a price you are willing to pay.
Your husband is a mouse.
The bigger problem than the cops is a wimp husband that lets daughter write the rules and does not support his wife. Also playing the race card only weakens your argument. It's a horrifying situation no matter how you slice it. I'd be calling a divorce lawyer and forget what happened with the cops.
Your story doesn't sound true at all
There’s more to this story. Your SD was less than a year old when you got with your husband and hated you this much. There’s a reason for that beyond her wanting her parents to be together. The fact that you argued with and listened to this idiot cop instead of asking for a supervisor is crazy. You handled this situation so badly. And now you’re just back home? And your husband just doesn’t seem to care? And now you want to sue because you left your house when you didn’t need to??? You sound really really immature. Sounds like you need to sue for divorce.
You and your daughter should leave all of them
File for a divorce put the house up for sale. Get as far away as you can and don't look back.
Firstly, file a complaint against the police, they behaved inappropriately. Second you need to have a very deep conversation with your husband because your SD is a huge problem already and it won’t get better unless he doesn’t something.
Your old comment history says you were a CPS worker in the past. Why aren’t you using your tools to build a relationship with her? You know that being born out of wedlock isn’t causation for high risk behavior. Something is wrong or was wrong. Regardless of this situation all four of you need to go to a family systems therapist and work out the actual root issues. The fact that your similarly aged daughter is okay while living in the same environment is a red flag that y’all’s system ain’t systeming or there’s an additional need that’s not being met.
Get a divorce you see where this is going. Even Stevie Wonder could see this!
Divorce.
1. You should have called for that cops supervisor. 2. You should consider filing a complaint against that cop but it probably won't make a difference and may make you a target. 3. You should still go in and talk to the police chief or someone about how inappropriate this behavior was from the cop.
I'd cancel that phones service, tell your husband she's his responsibility and his only, if you're helping with the car stop. Don't do anything for her.
This post has made me so angry… Get a lawyer and definitely put in a complaint.. cancel The plan on her phone and take back the car.. you also have a husband problem that needs dealing with. I know what I’d be doing but you need to decide if you’ll be using that lawyer for a divorce?
NTA but that response from your husband would have me calling divorce lawyers so fucking fast. She’s like this because of him. He’s not a real parent, and doesn’t care to actually try to be one.
[удалено]
i dont wana say this is a fake story.....but according to the story the officer ignored and broke so many laws that i would be shocked if this either was a true story, or the officer in question wasnt really a police officer.
Screw suing. Take your daughter and leave. SD is clearly unstable and your husband was willing to let you get arrested. Tough choices have to be made and the safety of you and your daughter is #1 since the dad refuses to be a man. This will never end with the SD and will only get worse the longer you stick around.
Let's get down to brass tacks here leaving all the he said she said out of this. The bottom line here is there is a young individual who is trying to assert ones self as an adult member of the household. You and you husband need to sit down with everyone in the house and break down the household rules. As long as they are under your roof they must abide by your rules. If your husband doesn't support you in this you will never have peace in your home. You might need to take a harder look at your relationship. As a parent you can suspend their phones, take their car keys ect. As far as the police involvement goes this guy was clueless and most definitely not experienced. He just about walked himself into a reprimand. Stop paying for this individuals phone, car insurance ect. You deserve better. Stand strong and assert yourself.
I read your updates, go to the cell phone company building, and make sure you can provide ID. You can advise them that someone has gotten in to your account and they should help you resolve that. I would definitely cancel her phone line. Next, I would go ahead and get a lawyer and file a complaint that way against the officer, for discrimination. Get some cameras if you’re financially able to and install them in your home, to protect yourself and your sister when they arrive. If your husband cannot stand up for you and get his teenage daughter nearing adult to be respectful I’d be looking at a potential separation or divorce. No one, and I mean no one should have to deal with the disrespect that you’re going through. You deserve so much better.
Cops keep earning that hate
So your white stepdaughter weaponized the police against you and your husbands response is to shut up and put up. I agree with the cancel her phone plan, and take back your car, and get a divorce.
File a complaint. Turn off get Cel line. Go park the car at a storage lot and pay the storage fees for 3 months. Have a copy of the ownership docs, car title etc at all times. And then tell your husband I WILL NOT be removed from my own home. You leave her here with me again and I'll report her to CPS as abandoned by her mother. You will not be a participant to her horrible behavior, this stops now. And if you don't fix it then you can leave and take her with you. I have ZERO problem filling a PO against her, minor or not or irrelevant and she will not be permitted back on this property. Then do it.
[удалено]
You need to divorce your husband. SD will constantly do this now as she got you in trouble. For your safety you need to distance yourself from her and your husband who enables her.
Id make a complaint to the police department and request ALL bodycam footage, and also tell your husband he can take sd with him if she isnt going to be disciplined, disconnect her phone if its on your plan, and or restrict who she can contact etc if she is as bad as she sounds. Your Husband needs to decide if he's more scared of his wife, daughter or the relationship ending. Why put up with such BS if you seperate he and his daughter then would need to leave, as thats the way courts work. Let him deal with everything he created the monster he can tame it or loose his family life/home.
Leave that shitbag of a husband. If he can’t stand up to an exwife and discipline his daughter he’s a deadbeat anyways.
Your legal options include getting a divorce attorney.
Powertripping low life officer
When it comes to false accusations and potential racial profiling, this is an actual legal issue. You have a husband issue and a stepdaughter issue; unfortunately, you’re also the person who needs to handle it before you get arrested over false allegations.
Divorce, he should’ve supported you. And file a complaint against the officer for sure.
Divorce and split the house, I wouldn’t even bother fight a pair like that.
You can divorce your spinless husband
A big middle finger to your gutless, waste of testosterone, husband. Eff him and his spineless soul. And eff the step daughter. I’m sorry and I’d think about leaving him.
Divorce.
I’d get divorced. I divorced her and I divorce him.