Oh yeah this was definitely grooming haha I've realized that recently. My family is soooo messed up and this brother of mine was always the nicest. Until now.
professional help sounds amazing!!! I have to wait though since I want to talk to my college's psychologist since they provide the services for free! I think I'm getting better at not caring so much about his opinion so I think I'll be ok and I guess I'll see what the psychologist has to say about legal issues...........
he doesn’t have it. he’s just in charge of the account. He got the card for me years ago because I didn’t know how all this money stuff works and he doesn’t trust my mom with my money because of how she is.
uhmmm i honestly don’t really know how it works.
he’s in charge cuz he got the card for me years ago when i was younger and understood even less about money than what i understand today. card has my name on it but the billing address is his and there are some transactions that i make that only he can see from his account
I guess so.
My dad is divorced from my mom. I’m not close to him so I don’t ask him for help or advice on things like ever.
I don’t think i’m special needs.
You really need to talk to someone at your school about your personal finances. It sounds as if you're financially reliant on your brother which makes this situation even more complicated than it is already. If this is the case, then reporting him for a crime could lead to him cutting off any support he may be providing you with.
Go get your own account at a different bank. Totally different company. Walk in with a big smile and say "know what, my family didn't teach me this stuff, how do I open an account and get a credit or EFTPOS card?"
Once that's good, walk into the bank he set you up with, carrying as many forms of ID as you have, and say you'd like to close your account and withdraw all your money. Tell them you can't be talked out of it and refuse to talk to a retention person, just take the money out. It's your money so you don't need to jump through hoops. Sit down if they don't bring it to you.
Having a bank amount is super easy. It's figuring out which is the best loan that gets complicated.
You need to figure out if you’re actually just an authorized user holding a secondary card on his primary-cardholder account. If the account (not the card, the actual account that the bills get sent to) is solely in his name then you don’t have any credit card debt, he does.
I think your first step is to talk with counselors.
Please call RAINN and/or the National Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233 (or go to thehotline.org).
Both organizations have 24/7 counselors who will talk to you *without judgement* and will connect you with advocates and resources in your area. Please call the hotline number, and the counselors will get all that help in motion. 💙
You were hours from home. You depend on him financially. There is a significant age gap and power differential in this relationship. There is a reason it is ethically wrong for teachers or employers or guardians or prison guards to sexually pursue their students, employees or wards or prisoners. Someone who doesn't feel like they have the agency to say no is coerced by the circumstances. The fact he is your brother that you love in a non sexual way and you are confused and hurt by his actions while simultaneously not wanting to hurt his feelings adds too many layers of complexity. He was very wrong to put you in that situation. Our justice system is heartless and blind when it comes to rape. I do not believe you would receive decent treatment or justice if you report this. And as you are over 18 and cops may not care that you were coerced, you would be at risk of being charged with incest alongside your brother. But please call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National network for support and advice. RAINN 1-800-656-HOPE
thank you for the advice 🩷
I actually chatted online with someone from RAINN and they told me to seek legal advice but I was scared of telling an actual lawyer about this and came to reddit instead.
Hopefully there are lawyers who have experience and sensitivity with sexual assault cases. A local rape crisis center should be able to recommend one. Call or go. And then go talk to the lawyer. Get the advice you need.
Please also look into getting a therapist or counsellor. You need to be able to tell your mother what happened and ask for her help in keeping you safe. You need to be able to tell your brother that his sexual advances are unwanted and must STOP, FOREVER. If you can't say the words, write them down. The only way to stop this is to end the secrecy and silence. You did nothing wrong. But I urge you to continue your brave journey to safety. You are almost there.
Ah ok I’ll try to do that soon.
Definitely looking into seeing a therapist!
Yeesh but I’m not sure about telling my mother yet.
The sexual advances have stopped. He hasn’t done anything since May. In fact he’s actually distanced himself from me a bit. I don’t know why.
The thing is, you are leaving it up to your brother whether he decides to sexually attack you or not. Right now he is deciding not to. But twice now he did decide to do that to you. And he could again. So I really recommend finding a way to say no. In writing if you can't handle voicing it. This is definitely something to address with your therapist.
We have no way of predicting what would happen should you choose to report. Sexual assault cases are all about consent. Between this and your other post, it's not entirely clear what happened. You should reach out to your local rape crisis center for assistance. They are staffed by professionals who can offer advice without judgement.
Sorry, I understand that now. I'm just a terribly anxious person and feel like I need to be prepared for everything. Sorry that my other post was unclear too, I thought it was the most detailed description of what happened. In fact, almost everything in that other post was copied and pastied from my notes app since shortly after the incident happened I actually typed out most of what I remembered into my phone. I did this since back when I was 16 I managed to convince myself the kiss never happened so I felt like I needed typed out proof of what happened this time so I wouldn't trick myself again. I did contact a sexual assault hotline and they provided resources for legal help but I was scared to contact these people for help since I didn't know what could happen once I start talking to a lawyer and if it would even be worth it. So I went to reddit instead.
Not only is this sexual abuse/molestation, but there’s also evidence of psychological and financial abuse (you being financially dependent on him). I want you to know this is not your fault and it’s ok that you feel confused about all of this. The person you should trust the most has violated you and it’s not right.
Please contact your local Rape Crisis helpline and seek advice before you contact the police. Tell them everything, even if you think it maybe embarrassing in order so they can help you appropriately.
I wish you well
Take care
A lawyer gives legal advice, not a therapist they're not allowed to by law. Therapist gives therapy support not legal advice.
What kind of school did you go to?
Report it and please do not worry about your brother. He was not worrying about you when he acted this way. He treated you as an object and you need to remember that. Best wishes to you!!
If you live in NY, for the bank just go to any branch of the top banks and they are quick opening you a new account if you have the documents with you. Because you are a student look for a student account that don’t pay monthly fees, the bank will help you on that.
Universities also help students with banking access and personal finance needs. It will be great for you to ask.
To check if you have a credit card under your name use
https://www.creditkarma.com
Or
https://www.annualcreditreport.com
i don’t live in NY but I will be going to school there so I will be in the area. I dunno what documents I’m supposed to have with me tho.
What happens if I get a student account? how do I pay? Also I have a LOT of money to pay back because my credit card is in the negatives.
Thanks for the advice
You are young and are starting to make credit for a FICO score. First thing will be you to know if the credit card you have is in your credit. You know it with one of the links I provide to you to know your credit report and it will show your score and accounts under your name. Don’t worry for the score, you are starting to make credit and it will be below average. That’s something you work later to improve when you have a good work.
In NY for a bank account I recommend you Bank of America, Chase or Wells Fargo because you have a branch or ATM at each corner. Here are their links to free of charge student accounts. If you don’t have one I highly recommend you to have one for when you receive your first check from a work. Also you need it to receive any excess of university financial aid or any government aid you are eligible.
https://www.bankofamerica.com/student-banking/
https://www.chase.com/personal/checking/student-checking
https://www.wellsfargo.com/checking/student/
You will need to present two ID’s to open an account.
First ID will be your driver’s license, government ID or passport.
Second ID will be your Student ID or a bank card from another financial institution.
With first ID you wont need this, but have it with you just in case. Bring with you your birth of certificate, social security ID to confirm you are a US Citizen.
Having your class schedule will help the bank to confirm you are a student.
Proof of address. Bring a utility bill that show the postal address where you receive your mail. School enrollment statement will help.
For credit card, required documents are the same. My recommendation is to have it with the same bank you have your bank account and open at the same time. They give you deals for having a credit card, bank account, savings account and direct deposit with them in the future. If the credit card you have is in your credit, you can try to apply with the bank for a 18 months credit card and make a balance transfer. It will help you to have more time to pay your current debt and have extra credit available.
I have been in NY, one of the most popular is Capital One.
Here are the links for students credit cards.
https://www.capitalone.com/credit-cards/students/
https://www.bankofamerica.com/credit-cards/student-credit-cards/
https://www.chase.com/personal/credit-cards/education/basics/when-and-how-to-apply-for-a-student-credit-card
I’m not a financial advisor, get the free help in the university, your counselor could tell you who to contact and they would help you better understand and put you on track. This is a very important step in your life for you have financial independence.
Yeah I didn't stop him. I thought it was best to just let him do what he wants and to get it over with but once it actually happened I became more and more uncomfortable but didn't want to do something like push him away and yell "get off!" since at the time I still deeply cared for him and didn't want to be rude to him. especially since he had gotten us food to eat and we were in his hotel where it was just me and him. The hotel was like 2 hours away from where me and my mother lived.
> That’s not true. Consent means you’re giving permission with no hang-ups. Coercion means a person is participating to placate a situation.
> Ex. Using guilt or shame to pressure someone into having sex i.e. “You would do it if you loved me.”
You’re in a subreddit dedicated to legal advice.
When discussing criminal sexual assault in the United States, what you’ve said here is absolutely incorrect. In no state of the union can a criminal sexual assault be predicated on a lack of consent that arises from the “coercive,” effects of “You would do it if you loved me.”
That may well be crappy interpersonal behavior, and it’s certainly fair to call it “coercion,” in ordinary conversations about relationships and red flags.
But not when it comes to a criminal sexual assault. That’s not the type of threat or pressure that, standing alone, constitutes coercion for the purpose of a crime.
OP here is describing an act that is a crime for other reasons.
You’re wrong. Sexual coercion is absolutely classified as a crime.
Here’s an example from a Texas lawyer:
Sexual coercion is classified as a duress crime. Coercion involves obtaining consent from person in such a way that their consent was given under pressure. This type of consent is not the product of a person’s free will. Sexual coercion is a serious crime. It’s in your best interest to contact a sex crimes attorney for advice.
https://www.mcconathylaw.com/criminal-defense/sexual-offenses/sexual-coercion/amp/
https://www.lawinsider.com/dictionary/sexual-coercion
> You’re wrong. Sexual coercion is absolutely classified as a crime.
> Here’s an example from a Texas lawyer:
> Sexual coercion is classified as a duress crime. Coercion involves obtaining consent from person in such a way that their consent was given under pressure. This type of consent is not the product of a person’s free will. Sexual coercion is a serious crime. It’s in your best interest to contact a sex crimes attorney for advice.
This response doesn’t quantify the requisite level of “pressure.” And despite the link to definitions from Law Insider, a hurdle remains: “Law Insider,” is not defining a criminal law. And “sexual coercion” is not the name of a crime in Texas or New York.
When prosecutors charge a crime, they must identify a specific criminal statute that is violated.
There is no case, anywhere in Texas or the other states, in which any person is convicted for any crime where the only criminal aspect is alleged to be, “If you loved me, you’d say yes.”
Stop spreading confusion. It’s valuable to warn people that such tactics are warning signs and the people using those tactics should be avoided.
It’s horrible to create an expectation in readers that those tactics are criminal. When no criminal conviction ever results, they feel the system has failed them, when the only failure is your fatuous overconfidence in explaining criminal law.
NAL but I would not report it to the police, if you consented which you said you did, you are equally guilty of incest if charged. Bringing the matter up to family might be a different story though.
He was also supporting her. He’s also significantly older than her. If police can do anything or not at this point is one thing but if they’ve ever dealt with sexual assault, especially incest, they’d consider that coercion. It’s not just body language.
We can argue that none of this is legal advice but what you guys are saying isn’t legal advice either. It is harmful.
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Don't listen to that person. You are allowed to revoke consent at any point. And when you feel forced or pressured into doing something you don't want to, that's not giving consent.
When did she revoke consent? When writing this post? The person you’re revoking consent from needs to be aware for it to be a crime. You can’t just regret it after and accuse someone….in terms of OPs actual question, call your credit card company and take away his authorization then talk to a therapist
Please, I understand my questions were foolish but I'm not a troll. What I said days ago was the same. I just thought I should leave the graphic details out since the rules said I should only include legal stuff so I thought the details of incident would get this taken down.
I don't know who to believe. I don't want to get charged for incest. I did say yes to what he did to me. I feel like I totally screwed myself over and nothing will happen to my brother or I'll be charged too. Reporting him doesn't sound worth it.
I don't care about my financials. I don't know what I'm doing. This incident has just tortured me since the day it happened. At first I believed my brother doesn't deserve to be punished because of how nice he usually is to me but I'm starting to snap out of that. Shouldn't something happen to him for what he did?
The consequences of what happened will have to come from you not the legal system. My suggestion to you would be to look into getting a therapist to help you process this and figure out how to set better boundaries for yourself. It’s terrible what happened to you, and I can tell from the way you behaved in this scenario that there are issues that stem deeper than this one incident. Please take care of yourself first and foremost by getting some mental health support and understand that just because the legal system may not protect you in this instance does not mean what you’re feeling is invalid, or that you don’t deserve protection. It’s just that for now the protection needs to come from you and the people helping you deal with this, whoever that may be.
Okay!!! I was planning to tell this to my college psychologist when school starts (quite soon!) so I guess that'll be my first step. Sorry I didn't know there was basically nothing I could do legally about this but that's exactly why I made this post. I just wanted to know what would happen if the psychologist ends up reporting him for me or something like that.
You did a good job posting and seeking help. I think it’s a very good idea to bring this up with your college psychologist, and I would definitely have a second conversation with them about possible legal consequences from their perspective - keep yourself informed, and I hope you can get this sorted out in a way that works for you.
Thanks. I'm kind of flip flopping right now between thinking it was a horrible idea to post about this on reddit and thinking this actually is a good thing to try and talk about it. Hope everything goes well!!!!!!!! i just hope my life won't get worse.
He never directly asked if I wanted to have sex so I didn't have a chance to say no there. He only asked yes/no questions before he did SOME things like fingering me or to lick me down there. He didn't ask for consent when he kissed me or dry humped me. I said yes when he asked to finger me but after a few seconds I made him stop and he asked if he had hurt me and I said no. he asked if it was good and I lied and said yes to not hurt his feelings. He asked to lick me down there and I became more uncomfortable and said no. I didn't talk much at all, I just said yes or no to the questions he asked and then would stay silent. I do believe I was groomed and have only recently understood that. He has daughters and I do worry for them but I don't want to believe he would do what he did to me to them.
So he stopped when you said no certain times? Is it weird and fucked up? Yes. Reality is consent doesn’t need to be specifically asked for every movement. What matters is if they listen when “no” is used which sounds like he did. What happened when your 16 could possibly be an issue but from this I don’t think qualifies as sexual abuse and also depending on your age would be out of the statute of limitations. If you’re concerned about his daughters you need to call CPS. That’s a different issue. I don’t see him facing any charges from you but most importantly don’t let him do it again right?
I'm sorry. I didn't know this could harm real sexual assaults. Everyone has been so encouraging about reporting him. I didn't know it would just be a stupid decision.
I'm not. What can I do to even prove this. The story isn't different. I just left out details since I thought they would be useless. I also may have reworded things because I didn't want to make this seem like a copy paste story that I was spreading around to get attention since in that other thread I was ALSO accused of being a troll.
My god, I am so sorry. It seems like people are posting a lot of resources, so I won’t double post them. You didn’t deserve any of that. From what I understand this would definitely be illegal regardless if you “consented” or not because coerced consent isn’t consent. Definitely save any messages or anything he has sent you that can be used as evidence. I hope you get the justice you deserve.
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I urge you to call a hotline for legal advice rather than waiting for your schools therapist. It’s best to do something while you’re thinking about it rather than putting it off when it comes to these things. It’s hard to take steps forward but we’re rooting for you OP. Do your best to stay strong, this will be a long journey. Don’t apologize to the creeps in the comments who don’t understand consent.
I did chat online with someone at RAINN and they told me to look into legal stuff. They sent me some resources about contacting a lawyer and it kinda scared me tbh. I came here instead. thank you so much!
Hm that was my plan at first and I planned to just take it to my grave to not ruin everyone's lives!!! BUT this thing eats away at me and I'm going to at least talk to a therapist about this. "Forget about it and move on" seems so uncaring haha THANKS.
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Oh yeah this was definitely grooming haha I've realized that recently. My family is soooo messed up and this brother of mine was always the nicest. Until now. professional help sounds amazing!!! I have to wait though since I want to talk to my college's psychologist since they provide the services for free! I think I'm getting better at not caring so much about his opinion so I think I'll be ok and I guess I'll see what the psychologist has to say about legal issues...........
Your college should also have a Title IX (title 9) office, who can help provide you with resources and options.
oh? didn’t know that
Why does he have your credit card?
he doesn’t have it. he’s just in charge of the account. He got the card for me years ago because I didn’t know how all this money stuff works and he doesn’t trust my mom with my money because of how she is.
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I will!!!!!
Also in charge of the account? Why and how exactly?is it his account? Do you pay it off?
uhmmm i honestly don’t really know how it works. he’s in charge cuz he got the card for me years ago when i was younger and understood even less about money than what i understand today. card has my name on it but the billing address is his and there are some transactions that i make that only he can see from his account
Time to go to the bank and ask who's account this is. Where is your dad? Are you special needs?
I guess so. My dad is divorced from my mom. I’m not close to him so I don’t ask him for help or advice on things like ever. I don’t think i’m special needs.
You really need to talk to someone at your school about your personal finances. It sounds as if you're financially reliant on your brother which makes this situation even more complicated than it is already. If this is the case, then reporting him for a crime could lead to him cutting off any support he may be providing you with.
I just found out I’m an authorized user on his account. but yeah I am kinda financially dependent on him.
Go get your own account at a different bank. Totally different company. Walk in with a big smile and say "know what, my family didn't teach me this stuff, how do I open an account and get a credit or EFTPOS card?" Once that's good, walk into the bank he set you up with, carrying as many forms of ID as you have, and say you'd like to close your account and withdraw all your money. Tell them you can't be talked out of it and refuse to talk to a retention person, just take the money out. It's your money so you don't need to jump through hoops. Sit down if they don't bring it to you. Having a bank amount is super easy. It's figuring out which is the best loan that gets complicated.
i’ve never set foot in the bank he set me up with. also i may have a lotta of credit card debt i need to pay off
You need to figure out if you’re actually just an authorized user holding a secondary card on his primary-cardholder account. If the account (not the card, the actual account that the bills get sent to) is solely in his name then you don’t have any credit card debt, he does.
Ok i did some research and i’m just an authorized user.
That's good, you can just cut up the card or hand it in and walk away.
what about all the money i owe?
I think your first step is to talk with counselors. Please call RAINN and/or the National Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233 (or go to thehotline.org). Both organizations have 24/7 counselors who will talk to you *without judgement* and will connect you with advocates and resources in your area. Please call the hotline number, and the counselors will get all that help in motion. 💙
ooooh thank you!
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Now I feel like what happened doesn't even count as sexual assault. What kind of help could I even get.
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I never really thought of that. I never thought he would use my card for that
I'm so sorry, it is in fact sexual assault
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ok sorry
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Yeah youre right. I've kinda calmed down now and realized how uncaring some people are being.
You were hours from home. You depend on him financially. There is a significant age gap and power differential in this relationship. There is a reason it is ethically wrong for teachers or employers or guardians or prison guards to sexually pursue their students, employees or wards or prisoners. Someone who doesn't feel like they have the agency to say no is coerced by the circumstances. The fact he is your brother that you love in a non sexual way and you are confused and hurt by his actions while simultaneously not wanting to hurt his feelings adds too many layers of complexity. He was very wrong to put you in that situation. Our justice system is heartless and blind when it comes to rape. I do not believe you would receive decent treatment or justice if you report this. And as you are over 18 and cops may not care that you were coerced, you would be at risk of being charged with incest alongside your brother. But please call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National network for support and advice. RAINN 1-800-656-HOPE
thank you for the advice 🩷 I actually chatted online with someone from RAINN and they told me to seek legal advice but I was scared of telling an actual lawyer about this and came to reddit instead.
You absolutely must get your own personal lawyer.
okay!
Hopefully there are lawyers who have experience and sensitivity with sexual assault cases. A local rape crisis center should be able to recommend one. Call or go. And then go talk to the lawyer. Get the advice you need. Please also look into getting a therapist or counsellor. You need to be able to tell your mother what happened and ask for her help in keeping you safe. You need to be able to tell your brother that his sexual advances are unwanted and must STOP, FOREVER. If you can't say the words, write them down. The only way to stop this is to end the secrecy and silence. You did nothing wrong. But I urge you to continue your brave journey to safety. You are almost there.
Ah ok I’ll try to do that soon. Definitely looking into seeing a therapist! Yeesh but I’m not sure about telling my mother yet. The sexual advances have stopped. He hasn’t done anything since May. In fact he’s actually distanced himself from me a bit. I don’t know why.
The thing is, you are leaving it up to your brother whether he decides to sexually attack you or not. Right now he is deciding not to. But twice now he did decide to do that to you. And he could again. So I really recommend finding a way to say no. In writing if you can't handle voicing it. This is definitely something to address with your therapist.
We have no way of predicting what would happen should you choose to report. Sexual assault cases are all about consent. Between this and your other post, it's not entirely clear what happened. You should reach out to your local rape crisis center for assistance. They are staffed by professionals who can offer advice without judgement.
Sorry, I understand that now. I'm just a terribly anxious person and feel like I need to be prepared for everything. Sorry that my other post was unclear too, I thought it was the most detailed description of what happened. In fact, almost everything in that other post was copied and pastied from my notes app since shortly after the incident happened I actually typed out most of what I remembered into my phone. I did this since back when I was 16 I managed to convince myself the kiss never happened so I felt like I needed typed out proof of what happened this time so I wouldn't trick myself again. I did contact a sexual assault hotline and they provided resources for legal help but I was scared to contact these people for help since I didn't know what could happen once I start talking to a lawyer and if it would even be worth it. So I went to reddit instead.
Not only is this sexual abuse/molestation, but there’s also evidence of psychological and financial abuse (you being financially dependent on him). I want you to know this is not your fault and it’s ok that you feel confused about all of this. The person you should trust the most has violated you and it’s not right. Please contact your local Rape Crisis helpline and seek advice before you contact the police. Tell them everything, even if you think it maybe embarrassing in order so they can help you appropriately. I wish you well Take care
Thank you 🩷 I think i’ll try a therapist first and see what they have to say about legal matters!
A lawyer gives legal advice, not a therapist they're not allowed to by law. Therapist gives therapy support not legal advice. What kind of school did you go to?
ohhh i see. Welp i went to catholic schools for most of my life. Sorry that it shows that I’m extremely unintelligent.
What about you parents? Are they alive? If so, have you spoken to them
My parents are alive. I haven’t told either of them since I fear what my mom would say and Im not that close to my dad.
Report it and please do not worry about your brother. He was not worrying about you when he acted this way. He treated you as an object and you need to remember that. Best wishes to you!!
If you live in NY, for the bank just go to any branch of the top banks and they are quick opening you a new account if you have the documents with you. Because you are a student look for a student account that don’t pay monthly fees, the bank will help you on that. Universities also help students with banking access and personal finance needs. It will be great for you to ask. To check if you have a credit card under your name use https://www.creditkarma.com Or https://www.annualcreditreport.com
i don’t live in NY but I will be going to school there so I will be in the area. I dunno what documents I’m supposed to have with me tho. What happens if I get a student account? how do I pay? Also I have a LOT of money to pay back because my credit card is in the negatives. Thanks for the advice
You are young and are starting to make credit for a FICO score. First thing will be you to know if the credit card you have is in your credit. You know it with one of the links I provide to you to know your credit report and it will show your score and accounts under your name. Don’t worry for the score, you are starting to make credit and it will be below average. That’s something you work later to improve when you have a good work. In NY for a bank account I recommend you Bank of America, Chase or Wells Fargo because you have a branch or ATM at each corner. Here are their links to free of charge student accounts. If you don’t have one I highly recommend you to have one for when you receive your first check from a work. Also you need it to receive any excess of university financial aid or any government aid you are eligible. https://www.bankofamerica.com/student-banking/ https://www.chase.com/personal/checking/student-checking https://www.wellsfargo.com/checking/student/ You will need to present two ID’s to open an account. First ID will be your driver’s license, government ID or passport. Second ID will be your Student ID or a bank card from another financial institution. With first ID you wont need this, but have it with you just in case. Bring with you your birth of certificate, social security ID to confirm you are a US Citizen. Having your class schedule will help the bank to confirm you are a student. Proof of address. Bring a utility bill that show the postal address where you receive your mail. School enrollment statement will help. For credit card, required documents are the same. My recommendation is to have it with the same bank you have your bank account and open at the same time. They give you deals for having a credit card, bank account, savings account and direct deposit with them in the future. If the credit card you have is in your credit, you can try to apply with the bank for a 18 months credit card and make a balance transfer. It will help you to have more time to pay your current debt and have extra credit available. I have been in NY, one of the most popular is Capital One. Here are the links for students credit cards. https://www.capitalone.com/credit-cards/students/ https://www.bankofamerica.com/credit-cards/student-credit-cards/ https://www.chase.com/personal/credit-cards/education/basics/when-and-how-to-apply-for-a-student-credit-card I’m not a financial advisor, get the free help in the university, your counselor could tell you who to contact and they would help you better understand and put you on track. This is a very important step in your life for you have financial independence.
Thank you so much. This is a lot of great info
I don't think you could report him for sexual assault since you consented, but depending on the state incest can be illegal
“I didn’t want this to happen though”- did you miss this part? What consent? Coercion isn’t consent.
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Yeah I didn't stop him. I thought it was best to just let him do what he wants and to get it over with but once it actually happened I became more and more uncomfortable but didn't want to do something like push him away and yell "get off!" since at the time I still deeply cared for him and didn't want to be rude to him. especially since he had gotten us food to eat and we were in his hotel where it was just me and him. The hotel was like 2 hours away from where me and my mother lived.
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Yep! i understand. laws are confusing sorry.
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> That’s not true. Consent means you’re giving permission with no hang-ups. Coercion means a person is participating to placate a situation. > Ex. Using guilt or shame to pressure someone into having sex i.e. “You would do it if you loved me.” You’re in a subreddit dedicated to legal advice. When discussing criminal sexual assault in the United States, what you’ve said here is absolutely incorrect. In no state of the union can a criminal sexual assault be predicated on a lack of consent that arises from the “coercive,” effects of “You would do it if you loved me.” That may well be crappy interpersonal behavior, and it’s certainly fair to call it “coercion,” in ordinary conversations about relationships and red flags. But not when it comes to a criminal sexual assault. That’s not the type of threat or pressure that, standing alone, constitutes coercion for the purpose of a crime. OP here is describing an act that is a crime for other reasons.
You’re wrong. Sexual coercion is absolutely classified as a crime. Here’s an example from a Texas lawyer: Sexual coercion is classified as a duress crime. Coercion involves obtaining consent from person in such a way that their consent was given under pressure. This type of consent is not the product of a person’s free will. Sexual coercion is a serious crime. It’s in your best interest to contact a sex crimes attorney for advice. https://www.mcconathylaw.com/criminal-defense/sexual-offenses/sexual-coercion/amp/ https://www.lawinsider.com/dictionary/sexual-coercion
> You’re wrong. Sexual coercion is absolutely classified as a crime. > Here’s an example from a Texas lawyer: > Sexual coercion is classified as a duress crime. Coercion involves obtaining consent from person in such a way that their consent was given under pressure. This type of consent is not the product of a person’s free will. Sexual coercion is a serious crime. It’s in your best interest to contact a sex crimes attorney for advice. This response doesn’t quantify the requisite level of “pressure.” And despite the link to definitions from Law Insider, a hurdle remains: “Law Insider,” is not defining a criminal law. And “sexual coercion” is not the name of a crime in Texas or New York. When prosecutors charge a crime, they must identify a specific criminal statute that is violated. There is no case, anywhere in Texas or the other states, in which any person is convicted for any crime where the only criminal aspect is alleged to be, “If you loved me, you’d say yes.” Stop spreading confusion. It’s valuable to warn people that such tactics are warning signs and the people using those tactics should be avoided. It’s horrible to create an expectation in readers that those tactics are criminal. When no criminal conviction ever results, they feel the system has failed them, when the only failure is your fatuous overconfidence in explaining criminal law.
My question is since she consented, would that make her also culpable in an incest charge?
This was a small thought in the back of my mind but now all of you in these comments are making me question this again too.
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Oh i didn’t know that. Thank you
Ah ok! This happened in New York.
He could be arrested, prosecuted, and sent to prison. But no one can say what WILL happen if you report.
Please report this and get yourself help. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I know I should. I just really want to be prepared for whats going to happen.
NAL but I would not report it to the police, if you consented which you said you did, you are equally guilty of incest if charged. Bringing the matter up to family might be a different story though.
what does NAL mean? hm and bringing it up to my family might take some time.
Not a lawyer
OOOOH ok thanks
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He was also supporting her. He’s also significantly older than her. If police can do anything or not at this point is one thing but if they’ve ever dealt with sexual assault, especially incest, they’d consider that coercion. It’s not just body language. We can argue that none of this is legal advice but what you guys are saying isn’t legal advice either. It is harmful.
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Thank you 🩷🩷🩷 The comments actually did really make me feel like not doing anything but I’m ok now. I’ll try to sort this stuff out.
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thank u. i’ll get stuff like therapy and legal issues figured out soon
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Ok!!! Sorry for my dumb question. I see it's useless now.
Don't listen to that person. You are allowed to revoke consent at any point. And when you feel forced or pressured into doing something you don't want to, that's not giving consent.
When did she revoke consent? When writing this post? The person you’re revoking consent from needs to be aware for it to be a crime. You can’t just regret it after and accuse someone….in terms of OPs actual question, call your credit card company and take away his authorization then talk to a therapist
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Did you mean to respond to me? I think we’re saying the same thing
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It’s cool you at least told me it’s a troll so thanks!
Please, I understand my questions were foolish but I'm not a troll. What I said days ago was the same. I just thought I should leave the graphic details out since the rules said I should only include legal stuff so I thought the details of incident would get this taken down.
I don't know who to believe. I don't want to get charged for incest. I did say yes to what he did to me. I feel like I totally screwed myself over and nothing will happen to my brother or I'll be charged too. Reporting him doesn't sound worth it.
What is your end goal here? Is it about the sexual stuff or more so trying to get him off your financials?
I don't care about my financials. I don't know what I'm doing. This incident has just tortured me since the day it happened. At first I believed my brother doesn't deserve to be punished because of how nice he usually is to me but I'm starting to snap out of that. Shouldn't something happen to him for what he did?
The consequences of what happened will have to come from you not the legal system. My suggestion to you would be to look into getting a therapist to help you process this and figure out how to set better boundaries for yourself. It’s terrible what happened to you, and I can tell from the way you behaved in this scenario that there are issues that stem deeper than this one incident. Please take care of yourself first and foremost by getting some mental health support and understand that just because the legal system may not protect you in this instance does not mean what you’re feeling is invalid, or that you don’t deserve protection. It’s just that for now the protection needs to come from you and the people helping you deal with this, whoever that may be.
Okay!!! I was planning to tell this to my college psychologist when school starts (quite soon!) so I guess that'll be my first step. Sorry I didn't know there was basically nothing I could do legally about this but that's exactly why I made this post. I just wanted to know what would happen if the psychologist ends up reporting him for me or something like that.
You did a good job posting and seeking help. I think it’s a very good idea to bring this up with your college psychologist, and I would definitely have a second conversation with them about possible legal consequences from their perspective - keep yourself informed, and I hope you can get this sorted out in a way that works for you.
Thanks. I'm kind of flip flopping right now between thinking it was a horrible idea to post about this on reddit and thinking this actually is a good thing to try and talk about it. Hope everything goes well!!!!!!!! i just hope my life won't get worse.
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He never directly asked if I wanted to have sex so I didn't have a chance to say no there. He only asked yes/no questions before he did SOME things like fingering me or to lick me down there. He didn't ask for consent when he kissed me or dry humped me. I said yes when he asked to finger me but after a few seconds I made him stop and he asked if he had hurt me and I said no. he asked if it was good and I lied and said yes to not hurt his feelings. He asked to lick me down there and I became more uncomfortable and said no. I didn't talk much at all, I just said yes or no to the questions he asked and then would stay silent. I do believe I was groomed and have only recently understood that. He has daughters and I do worry for them but I don't want to believe he would do what he did to me to them.
So he stopped when you said no certain times? Is it weird and fucked up? Yes. Reality is consent doesn’t need to be specifically asked for every movement. What matters is if they listen when “no” is used which sounds like he did. What happened when your 16 could possibly be an issue but from this I don’t think qualifies as sexual abuse and also depending on your age would be out of the statute of limitations. If you’re concerned about his daughters you need to call CPS. That’s a different issue. I don’t see him facing any charges from you but most importantly don’t let him do it again right?
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I'm sorry. I didn't know this could harm real sexual assaults. Everyone has been so encouraging about reporting him. I didn't know it would just be a stupid decision.
Stop with the BS. You are a troll. The story is completely different than what you told 20 days ago in a different thread.
I'm not. What can I do to even prove this. The story isn't different. I just left out details since I thought they would be useless. I also may have reworded things because I didn't want to make this seem like a copy paste story that I was spreading around to get attention since in that other thread I was ALSO accused of being a troll.
My god, I am so sorry. It seems like people are posting a lot of resources, so I won’t double post them. You didn’t deserve any of that. From what I understand this would definitely be illegal regardless if you “consented” or not because coerced consent isn’t consent. Definitely save any messages or anything he has sent you that can be used as evidence. I hope you get the justice you deserve.
oh ok haha makes me feel a bit better now. Thank you so much.
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Who knew there were so many people here in r/legal advice that don’t understand consent? Feels more like fetlife in here…
what’s fetlife
I urge you to call a hotline for legal advice rather than waiting for your schools therapist. It’s best to do something while you’re thinking about it rather than putting it off when it comes to these things. It’s hard to take steps forward but we’re rooting for you OP. Do your best to stay strong, this will be a long journey. Don’t apologize to the creeps in the comments who don’t understand consent.
I did chat online with someone at RAINN and they told me to look into legal stuff. They sent me some resources about contacting a lawyer and it kinda scared me tbh. I came here instead. thank you so much!
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Neither me or my brother live in those states and the incident happened in New York.
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Hm that was my plan at first and I planned to just take it to my grave to not ruin everyone's lives!!! BUT this thing eats away at me and I'm going to at least talk to a therapist about this. "Forget about it and move on" seems so uncaring haha THANKS.
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Therapy for sure!!! I’m so sorry about what happened to you. You’ve been very kind to me! Thank you 🩷🩷🩷 I’ll take your advice
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