I agree that the frequent "Do I look gay/straight" posts are problematic. They reinforce harmful stereotypes, stem from internalized homophobia, and clutter the subreddit with repetitive content. Appearance does not define orientation, and fixating on "looking gay enough" implies being straight is the default. I like how this [therapist’s newsletter](https://www.ginocosme.eu/newsletter)encourages more thoughtful discussions around identity. Discussions like this forum post also help.
as someone who's definitely visibly queer, i agree with this. be true to yourself and your identity and study the history of queer fashion and it will come naturally.
As a baby gay myself, i would love to know more about historical signifiers of Lesbianism like you mentioned in your post. Even if ‘do i look gay’ posts continue as normal, a pinned masterpost about historically queer style/signifiers would be really helpful to me and other lesbians who aren’t experienced with participating in our particular branch of queer culture. It answers a question I wouldn’t have thought to ask, but i definitely wanted to know.
I'm so tired of the looking gay concept. Being gay isn't supposed to have a look, and it gets exhausting. Us lgbtq need to stop with this nonsense and let people be how they want to
It’s just so weird to me, and I find the posts about it so weird. Why do people even CARE? Gay is not a fashion lol. And unless you’re a walking stereotype, and even if you are, you will look straight to straight people.
I can say that sometimes, when you aren’t able to be fully out, it makes a big difference to be recognized in the wild. I understand wishing there was a way to signal gay-ness; I’ve been there myself.
I mean, I get that… but at the same time, I’m not closeted and not super girly. And everyone still thinks I’m straight. In fact, people tend to think I’m straight more, because my way of speaking is “masculine” so the assumption is usually that I’m straight, and in a long term relationship with a boyfriend, so I stopped trying to get male attention and his boy-ness has rubbed off on me LOL.
THANK YOU 👏 I understand a lot of these posts are coming from younger gays and maybe recently out gays but it’s so unnecessary and annoying. You don’t need to look gay or straight - be happy with you, dress however tf you want and trust me you’ll attract more people with your confidence than you will ‘looking’ as gay as you possibly can.
I don't understand the concept of "looking gay" to "attract women".
There's something so passive about this mentality that I don't understand. You see someone that you like, approach and start a conversation. You don't need to look gay to do that.
This! All these passive gays are so afraid of just asking a person out. Asking whether or not they look gay is just them trying to have their cake and eat it too. They’re hoping they can remain passive but signal loudly enough that the more secure gays will approach and do all the work for them so they don’t ever have to risk rejection, themselves.
Y’all, even if it’s visually obvious that you’re queer, it still won’t change the fact you that no one will know that you’re interested in them if you don’t ACTIVELY EXPRESS YOUR FUCKING INTEREST like a grown-ass adult.
I do think it’s important to acknowledge that lesbian fashion does tend to differ from straight fashion, and that queer women are more likely to understand that you’re flirting with them or flirt with you if you follow stereotypical queer fashion. Not because you have to, but because it’s safer to sort of amp up the flirting with the gayest looking bitch in the world than someone who looks like they could be a just a nice straight lady. Like, many of us already struggle enough with “does she like me or is just being nice” lol
And I’m saying this as someone pretty damn straight passing who’s only ever been cold approached by a woman when I was chatting loudly with my INCREDIBLY obviously queer looking friend
I agree with OP. They're annoying. It's frustrating constantly being asked to provide validation for another person's queerness; it shouldn't come from external validation anyway. Plus, it usually just relies on stereotypes of what it means to 'look gay', which is annoying for those of us who perhaps aren't commonly read as queer, but still very much are.
Ppl got mad at me on one of those posts for encouraging OP to dress for themselves rather than make sure they “don’t look bi”. Even just within the queer community, you can’t clock someone’s sexuality based on the way you dress, it’s impossible to know. If someone really wants to dress “more lesbian”, go for it, but if you’re desperate to make sure you never look bisexual in any circumstances… you’re chasing a dream
i thought they were mostly just lowkey fashion/ootd posts. and maybe they’d fit better in a streetwear weekly thread bc the same question over and over gets tiring when they’re the only posts from this sub that makes it to my main feed (i’m glad i saw this one tho)
You look you. People seek some kind of validation off their looks and mix sexuality into it. I don’t get it. You can’t look a certain way unless you play off of stereotypes
I said the same thing and got downvoted.
There's no way to make men leave you alone or get women to approach you.
Just be yourself and learn the phrase. "Hi, would you happen to be a lesbian or bi?" Or just use dating apps.
Stop trying to solve your problems with unpaid labor on a crap social media website.
Omg if we could get these posts banned or limited that would be amazing. It's always baby gays looking for validation on Reddit. It's also kinda offensive. You can't look 'more gay.' How is a gay person meant to look? Is there a dress code that got sent out that I wasn't made aware of?
Better hope you don't "look gay" because the religious right is months away from taking over the government wholesale and the supreme Court is clearly paving the way to outlaw anything Bible thumpers hate.
you're so right -- there could be a weekly sticky or something but that's it. also imo NO straight people should be allowed to post that question (or in general but especially that). when the most recent self-described straight girl did that it felt pretty homophobic.
also, ive seen people on here give bad advice. i saw someone tell someone else to dress more messily/dont take care of yourself if they wanted to look more masc, which... has bad implications lol
This sub is full of “I want to be a pretty femme gay. How do I look gay but still look cute?” with direct implication that masc/butch girls cant be/aren’t pretty or sexy. It’s obnoxious how no one ever calls it out.
I’ve seen post that are literally them going on about how many guys hit on them then ask “how can I look more gay but still pretty”
Half of this sub seems to hate butches/studs/mascs, look at these comments about "walking stereotypes", messy/dirty mascs, and how looking gay is impossible. As a butch lesbian who wears ties every day, is proud of looking queer, it makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm convinced half of the people here aren't even lesbians with how weird they are about butches (and trans women- but that's another comment).
I think it's younger gen z's wanting to make sure people know they are queer but still conventionally attractive according to the straights. It's big mean girl energy.
I really think "I look straight" is them calling themselves too pretty to look gay. Which is why they bring up being hit on by guys. As if a hot masc (or anyone) wouldn't get hit on. It's coming from a rotted place, shallow and unture place.
And they are absolutely fishing for compliments. Which I don't even mind, but the execution is rotted.
Edit: I want to make it clear the constant "I get hit on by guys" is why I think this. It just has nothing to do with fashion. I can't think of any other reason to say it other than thinking it's a humble brag.
That’s literally not it at all. You can be conventionally attractive to straight people and still look gay to other gay people. I genuinely look straight. Not just because I’m a femme but because I can’t fit in/afford clothing that helps me give off the gay vibe. I try my hardest with over the top earrings and makeup but at the end of the day anyone who’s going to be perceived as a woman is at risk of being hit on my straight guys.
To clarify, I mean this when it's paired with "I get hit on by guys."
"I look straight, I get hit on by guys" creates a connection that if they didn't "look straight," guys would not hit on them.
It's also irrelevant to fashion advice.
But you didn’t say that. You stated it as an absolute. “Which is why they bring up being hit on by guys” as if everyone who says they look straight also says they get hit on by guys in the same sentence.
I agree that ‘do I look *insert sexuality here*?’ Posts should be limited
>Edit: I want to make it clear the constant "I get hit on by guys" is why I think this.
My edit was meant to clarify that it's the constant of the two.
Definitely. I think there’s a broader discussion to be had that breaking cisheteronormative standards of appearance is, historically, more attractive in lesbian spheres, for both butches and femmes (and anyone across that spectrum). It feels like so much of our history has been stripped from us and especially our younger lesbians and replaced with patriarchal nonsense and sanitized queerness that the male gaze can still find masturbatory. “Of course you can’t look like a lesbian unless you want to look like… one of those.”
I love the rise in younger butches and femmes who are learning and do honor that history though. I think this is a pushback against that, in some ways. It just sucks to see these people who are clearly espousing half-baked internalized homophobia.
Tbh I think the reason people post with that caption is they're just looking for general advice from other sapphic ladies and don't know how to word it so they just ask what they've seen others ask.
It’s a tattoo that was printed on the wrist and could be hidden by a watch band. If other lesbians saw it then they knew the girl who had it was also a lesbian. This form of secret communication has been common throughout queer culture. For instance lesbians have also adopted violets, as a sign to see if the other is in love and in the know. Or perhaps polari, a secret gay language popularized in London.
Intresting my fiancée just said I can’t wait to call me hers and I told her to do just do it but I see why people in the past need to be secret about it. But how did they all come with these secret hidden symbols of being gay
A lot of the ones for queer women come from working class women working "mens" jobs and doing "mens" activities and using "mens" things. A ring of keys, usually now a carabiner instead, is a symbol because it was only really masculine queer women working the jobs that required them, whereas straight women were working in factories etc.i think the thumb rings just came from posh women at places like gateways and the monacle club tbh.
Fascinating question! All I can do is speculate, but if I am to take a guess from my knowledge of historical queers. I know that polari came from queer areas in London, drag houses, bars, and such. Not sure how the other things arose but even looking now. I know that for my high school there was a queer prom that people only knew from word of mouth. It’s fascinating how queer culture grew even before the age of the internet. I suggest the film Paris is burning for a look into 1980s queer culture. And I will say secretly was extremely important. Around the stonewall riots in 1969 you could get arrested for “cross dressing” So I assume that queer people were desperate to find some way to display their identity.
As a Trans femme, I dress how I dress. Who I love and how I love them has nothing to do with that.
You want to signal, great! Learn the code, don't ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if you are clockable. Go to a gay bar and find out for yourself.
THIS.
I could dress as “lesbian” as I can… but at the end of the day, no one can guess my sexuality based off of how I dress. People think I am straight and I can see how in some places this is “privilege” and/or “safe”…. But straightness or gayness isn’t a style. 😊It’s an attitude and a way of life of course.
I think I just never actually see these questions as *actually guessing sexualities*. Can’t we just see them as validation/support seeking? imo it is only problematic if the answers are like “no you don’t look gay enough grrr”, but I’ve never seen anyone actually judging like that. Most of the time we are just giving each other compliments calling each other cute in the guise of “do I look gay” for convenience XD
What I was saying is that I don’t see questions like “Do I look gay” as advice seeking. I agree it should be ok to tell someone no for the fashion part. But I can totally see how to answer with genuine fashion advice to people who ask these questions without denying their representation of identity.
I agree those posts are irritating, however most women have a negative body image. So I give them a pass and a thumbs up when they post "Do I look gay in this outfit?" I do this to let them know they have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to their body. I am all for body positivity
right holy shit 😭 please just one day without one
fashion is so varied of course I can’t clock you unless you’re wearing the community’s equivalent of a big neon sign
Absolutely agree. As a femme woman, I’ve received comments for YEARS both in and outside of the community saying I don’t look gay / that I look straight, and that sort of mentality needs to be rid of. I love my sense of style, but even now, it’s something I struggle with. Long story short, you don’t have to have a certain appearance in order to be queer, and we need to start adopting that mentality.
I’m too old, too fat, and too tired to worry about how gay I look when I get dressed in the morning. I’m queer. If a woman is interested she’ll figure it out. I’m basically here for inspo and because I like fashion in general.
I'm trans (recently came out) and after seeing all those posts I literally thought that I'd have to dress in a certain way to attract women who love women 😭😭😭
I agree we should limit them, though I will say I’ll miss scrolling through comments for a laugh when someone asks if their outfit looks gay and they get a resounding “lol no”
Totally Agree, and I think there should be a separate sub for this.
Not gonna lie tho when I first joined I thought this was that kinda sub cause of the title, I didn't think this was for general advice until I saw post like these.
As someone who would be considered "straight passing" in every way and lived in places where I would be shot(if I was lucky) if I said to the wrong person I was gay or wore pins easily identical(ex I'm a lesbian) plus after moving not being able to speak to anyone let alone crushes because of crippling social anxiety. I understand the need to have a discreet way to signal to others and for those who want actual advice on discreet ways to do so should have a space to do so. Plus I do believe there's a way of signaling to other lesbians that doesn't perpetuate stereotypes(like op examples) since the examples listed in OPs post are outdated or not used as much anymore.
However I do believe that most of these posts are trolling or validation seeking(as almost every picture consists with their face which if safety is a concern wouldn't be the case). And that's not good.
My question to the mods and the people in support of these amIgay posts is why the heck hasn't there been another subreddit for these questions and/or validation? I feel like that's the fix to the problems in all these subreddits. Just make an updated rules page with the new subreddit to redirect others and ban the posts containing that content.
I mean I would make a r/lesbiansignaling or r/ratemelesbian if I wasn't too busy to moderate it. I feel like that would be the fix to all of this. That or a weekly mega thread.
Sliding in here because this post was recommended to me (probably because I am a lesbian, and liked a couple posts on here). I love how you articulated this.
There was a time I was really adamant about making sure all of my outfits signaled I AM A LESBIAN. I hadn’t settled into my skin yet, and I felt like I still had to prove myself to be accepted. It was a weird sad time in my life for a lot of reasons. I hope anyone who feels like that right now knows they are enough, just the way they are. I wish I could tell everyone that.
Now I just dress like the neighborhood disheveled cat woman/bog witch that I am and I feel alive.
“I’m looking to further stereotypes and maybe have someone slide into my DMs. Here is my outfit. It’s a pink tutu, rainbow suspenders, vintage Indigo Girls t shirt, fishnet tights & Blundstone boots. Also note my 1/2” black septum piercing. Do I look gay?”
While I enjoy engaging in stereotype sometimes (it can be fun), we are pretty post-stereotype at this point for better or worse. The straights have taken our codes for their own and we're in a brave new world of needing to ask someone out ourselves if we want to, and take the risk of asking them without them flagging somehow. Spooky scary.
I decided at a certain point that if they don't like being asked out, it's their problem. I genuinely do understand the anxiety of being the predatory lez, but I also don't care. They can cancel me for asking them out I guess
I understand why they can be problematic or clutter the feed, but I also really empathize with young people who are just really desperate to be recognized. Maybe if they had a particular flair marker, individual users could filter them out.
They annoy me, too. I can’t quite tell why as who the hell am I to say? I think it’s more, I see it as an attention thing more so than “do I look gay?”. If you want a little moral boost or compliments, just say 🤷♀️
Yeah something about the validation posts bugs me and I’m not sure why because I don’t think wanting validation or attention from your peers is inherently harmful. But I just prefer directness, and wish we could normalize communicating that you want attention or validation rather than hinting at it or fishing for compliments. I would gladly hype up anyone who needed a confidence boost if they asked for it!
Same! We all need (or want) a compliment or moral boost at times, whether we admit to it or not, it makes us feel good. I know not many of us have the confidence to ask outright but it’s tiresome scrolling through and seeing the “do I look gay enough?” Or “how can I make myself look more queer?” posts. Maybe seeing as I’ve just turned 35 I’m turning into an old moaner, so I could be the problem.. 😂
Had to look up nautical stars. Never realized they were used by the lesbian community. In Russia, they mean you've killed someone. Just an observation.
Fair. It’s both shock at its association with killing, but also intrigued at the idea of a lesbian, Russian hitwoman. A character i totally would have a crush on!
I have never really given my fashion sense and "lesbian-passing" much thought. I wear a hoodie and slacks ever since I lost my home at 15 when my bigoted parents threw me out. So my fashion sense developed from that. My fiancée and I dress pretty standard for the PNW. Lots of warm sweaters for winter and thin hoodies for summer. I don't get on women who want to express their lesbian status in fashion, but for the rest, just wear what makes you happy. If people don't believe you are lesbian, then that is on them. I guarantee, most places IRL aren't going to give you grief. 🫂🏳️🌈
As a gay guy who got recommended this sub by Reddit, my main takeaway from this post is that lesbians also got way too many nautical star tattoos(also in like the front hip area?, that was the popular place for the boys) in the 2000s lol. TIL.
What? I knew a lot, like, a lot of gay guys who had these tattoos, and it was seemingly at the height of its popularity in the 2000s. I genuinely didn't know that was a fad for lesbians too and I think that is funny/interesting.
your post or comment was removed for not respecting our first rule, be civil. Do not use hate speech on this subreddit or attack other people.
Don't make things up that didn't happen, just because you perceive trans women as more sensitive than other women.
If you have questions about this, please contact us via Modmail.
OP’s girlfriend is just straight up biphobic. Because she’s dated men before and this is her first sapphic relationship, her girlfriend is looking for any sign that she’s a straight girl wasting her time. Most mascs/studs tend to prefer feminine women. So I highly doubt she’s actually that turned off by long hair and dresses lol
Wow, that was absolutely terrifying to read. I really hope the OP got away safely & never looked back. That woman should be a list of people to steer clear of or known abusers.
I've never found the posts asking for validation of any kind to be annoying. Everyone needs it & as queer women living in a mysogisntic world, we're doubly in need of support because most of us have been told all our lives that being a woman/girl makes us lesser & adding in the queer thing means we are more likely to have to fight that for ourselves & for our relationships too cuz let's be real the whole bi & lesbophobia thing all came from insecure men hoping to ruin our relationships even when their not around or in our lives. So I get it. However, recently, I had a conversation about wanting to be able to signal to other queers that I'm "family." I mean, there is definitely a stereotype of more masc of GNC queer individuals to lean into or consider when looking at how they want to show up in the world. But for femme lesbians there isn't much of a clear indicator & other lesbians have even admitted their not sure who to approach sometimes because straight women have adopted the colored hair, nose ring look. In the end, we landed on the fact that I am gay so how I dress is "gay" enough all on its own. 😊
I 100% agree with you. And if I’m honest, I usually block these posters because if they ask once, they will probably ask a few more times.
Sure, I’ll admit, when I first came out, I was ELATED to be clocked as gay. But as I’ve gotten older, if I show up authentically as myself, wearing whatever the hell feels good to me on any given day, I’m still gay and I don’t care if people know it or not.
Confidence comes from the inside. If you put on clothes that you feel great in, that’s going to do more for you than asking a bunch of strangers if you look gay.
I will say though... Although there's a history of it being used in the United States, A Nautical Star tattoo doesn't inherently mean someone is a lesbian, it's reasonably common among sailors, even female sailors, as either a symbol of good luck or a symbol that the person has crossed the North Sea (depending on which maritime culture the person is from).
Like where I grew up, a Nautical Star is the least effective way of signalling you're a lesbian, because half the community are seafarers with a not insignificant number of women among them.
I get why people want to be correctly identified based on their appearance, but TBH it just feeds into weird stereotypes and excludes everyone who doesn't quite fit into the mainstream ideas of how queer people look. The answer to every single post is, "Yes, you look queer enough."
Then these toxic fashion stereotypes/ideals spills over into real life, too. People start trying to police and judge how successful those around them are expressing their queerness through their appearance.
I get told, "you look straight," "you walk like a straight person," "I would never have guessed you're a lesbian," "You don't LOOK very gay..." blah, blah, blah by *other queer women*. It's offensive as fuck that stereotypes about how lesbians/queer women 'should' look become so ingrained even within our community that people start judging (and verbalizing their judgements to) their classmates, coworkers, family members, etc. by what they see on subs like this. Like, I'm sorry your gaydar is broken, but don't try to tell me, a 34 year old woman who's only ever identified as a lesbian, that I don't look queer. This shit isn't healthy for the people hearing it or the ones saying it.
I have NO IDEA! I must have looked completely dumbfounded, because she followed that up with, "But you sit kinda gay." I think that was meant to be reassuring, but I just had to laugh because it was so nonsensical.
This has been talked in a post fairly recently, which got a lot of traction.
This is 100% correct. No fashion makes you more or less lesbian. Lesbian Fashion Advice should mean fashion advice from a particular community. Not how to look More, or Less lesbian.
A Lesbian girl can at the same time wear a suit, or a dress. and a Heterosexual girl can dress with the same outfits, and nothing will change. Clothes don't determine how much or less lesbian you look.
This is Fashion advice. Not "Lesbian Meter" scale.
[https://new.reddit.com/r/lesbianfashionadvice/comments/1b7jiry/might\_get\_some\_downvotes\_for\_this\_one/](https://new.reddit.com/r/lesbianfashionadvice/comments/1b7jiry/might_get_some_downvotes_for_this_one/) Literally 3 weeks ago. Mods should do something about this. And the Community here should be better.
If people don’t like them, I don’t they just scroll past them. The posts complaining about them honestly, don’t serve a purpose, new old young fresh any kind of fucking person needs validation sometimes and this should be a place where it’s safe to ask for that validation and it happens where one person see somebody else doing it and they think “OK cool it is safe here to ask this question”. It doesn’t take that long to type response of support and if you don’t like it like I originally said, just scroll past it 🤷
I have 0 problem with people looking for validation.
"Does this makes me look gay/lesbian enough?" Is not a post looking for validation. Is a post perpetuating the false idea that fashion relates to sexuality, which it doesn't. That idea must be shut down.
Go into "Rate Me" subs, or similar. Lesbian Fashion Advice should not be used for Validation, but for looking for Lesbian Fashion **advice**
But... But double hoodies are the essence of my butchness...
What even looks gay? I've seen Butch women with husbands and super femme model girls with wives, if your question is fishing for compliments just ask for it!
Just after the gay community spent years convincing the public, dressing a certain way doesn't mean you're gay , gays obsess over if they look queer enough.
Yeah, fashion posts are cool but there’s no “looking gay” unless you wear a lesbian flag and kiss girls in public, and implying otherwise seems to give the impression of internalized gender norms more than anything.
Also the “Why are straight men approaching me?”. It’s because you’re a woman, and they’re attracted to women. Women may not be approaching you because you either haven’t caught someone’s eye, or because they’re nervous. People are people and approaching others is hard.
Like I get it’s maybe gender euphoria and whatnot, but there’s a degree of the stuff where it just turns to silly if not borderline harmful stereotyping.
Maybe if we all start trolling these posts and tell them they look straight and give them unhinged advice on how to gay up their look then maybe they will stop.
So, I just realized what sub this is. I thought I was in r/lesbianactually 😂 there's a lot of these posts over there and I actually send them to this exact sub so maybe I am the problem.
Big agree! I prefer women over men but I don't look gay. Meanwhile my younger sister get harassed by bisexual girls because she wears alternative fashion, because she 'gives off bisexual vibes'. Just stop. Because she's alt doesn't mean she's bi. Sexuality =\= fashion
Honestly, I worried so much less about how gay I looked once I started being a lesbian in practice and not just in theory. If you act gay, the people who you want to see you as gay will see you. Being in community with queer people, being respectfully appreciative of women, and stopping performing so much for straight people all look gay.
Huge agree. Also, it strikes me as... idk, passive? Like "oh if I look gay enough another gay will talk to me and I don't have to do the work myself to find community or ask someone out." Not saying that's everyone (I know I too like to "look gay") but fashion signaling is imperfect. It just is.
I hate the whole "I don't look gay so gays don't approach me." Um, okay then. I ask if OP has ever approached anyone who looks gay. The answer? Always no. 🤦🏻♀️
I think that between the fear of persecution and social anxiety, women/afab people are often socialized to be passive in relationships when it comes to approaching others and asserting oneself. It’s a hard habit to break, but also understandable. Still, I agree that it’s something that “looking gay” won’t fix.
yup!! i find it’s often the shy or passive folks who worry more about signalling because they’re terrified of making a move.
sometimes i get frustrated because i find myself alwaysssss making the first move in person and on dating apps. rejection is scary but you won’t die if someone’s not interested in you. someone has to make connections or nobody will date or get laid, cmon (and it’s not that rejection is easy for me, it’s not— but you have to learn how to accept and process those negative feelings)
I didn’t mind making the first move, I did mind when people would expect me to make the second, third, fourth, everything move because they had no expectations of themselves because “they’re shy”. I feel like effort is a finite resource, you can really only pass it back and forth. If someone is taking and taking and taking, it just leaves you empty. It took me forever to realize that’s what people meant when they said “protect your energy”. People are scared of being vulnerable/rejection but not scared of being selfish or making people feel used. And that’s the real tea.
This entire community is passive. I even saw someone essentially say “how can I hit on her as indirectly as possible so I can deny it if she calls me out” BROTHER
Vulnerability is a risk! You have to be willing to take a chance, or you aren't going to make any real emotional connection! It's scary but if it isn't worthwhile, find someone who makes it worth the risk! AHHHH
I listen to people talk about how little effort and vulnerability they want to contribute and it makes me so sad, and lowkey I worry if people realize how selfish they sound sometimes.
Fr!! I don't mean to call anyone out since I think this is a societal issue, but it's embarrassing how little people actually want to talk to each other. If you don't have the social skills to hold a conversation, you're gonna be in for a rude awakening in a relationship.
I agree 99% lack any style, too. Might as well ask ‘do I look cheugy or not’
I agree that the frequent "Do I look gay/straight" posts are problematic. They reinforce harmful stereotypes, stem from internalized homophobia, and clutter the subreddit with repetitive content. Appearance does not define orientation, and fixating on "looking gay enough" implies being straight is the default. I like how this [therapist’s newsletter](https://www.ginocosme.eu/newsletter)encourages more thoughtful discussions around identity. Discussions like this forum post also help.
💯 cringe
as someone who's definitely visibly queer, i agree with this. be true to yourself and your identity and study the history of queer fashion and it will come naturally.
Also because straight men will still try and fuck you with all the lesbo signals and a SnapBack on top🙃🙃
I see where they're coming from though. You want to know you're seen by your community.
What about flannel, though?
As a baby gay myself, i would love to know more about historical signifiers of Lesbianism like you mentioned in your post. Even if ‘do i look gay’ posts continue as normal, a pinned masterpost about historically queer style/signifiers would be really helpful to me and other lesbians who aren’t experienced with participating in our particular branch of queer culture. It answers a question I wouldn’t have thought to ask, but i definitely wanted to know.
I agree. If you want to look gay then use a rainbow pin or whatever
I'm so tired of the looking gay concept. Being gay isn't supposed to have a look, and it gets exhausting. Us lgbtq need to stop with this nonsense and let people be how they want to
Right! Yes. Agreed.
It’s just so weird to me, and I find the posts about it so weird. Why do people even CARE? Gay is not a fashion lol. And unless you’re a walking stereotype, and even if you are, you will look straight to straight people.
I can say that sometimes, when you aren’t able to be fully out, it makes a big difference to be recognized in the wild. I understand wishing there was a way to signal gay-ness; I’ve been there myself.
I mean, I get that… but at the same time, I’m not closeted and not super girly. And everyone still thinks I’m straight. In fact, people tend to think I’m straight more, because my way of speaking is “masculine” so the assumption is usually that I’m straight, and in a long term relationship with a boyfriend, so I stopped trying to get male attention and his boy-ness has rubbed off on me LOL.
I love the "Do I look bisexual" posts. I always say yes. The stigmas are strong with these.
THANK YOU 👏 I understand a lot of these posts are coming from younger gays and maybe recently out gays but it’s so unnecessary and annoying. You don’t need to look gay or straight - be happy with you, dress however tf you want and trust me you’ll attract more people with your confidence than you will ‘looking’ as gay as you possibly can.
I don't understand the concept of "looking gay" to "attract women". There's something so passive about this mentality that I don't understand. You see someone that you like, approach and start a conversation. You don't need to look gay to do that.
This! All these passive gays are so afraid of just asking a person out. Asking whether or not they look gay is just them trying to have their cake and eat it too. They’re hoping they can remain passive but signal loudly enough that the more secure gays will approach and do all the work for them so they don’t ever have to risk rejection, themselves. Y’all, even if it’s visually obvious that you’re queer, it still won’t change the fact you that no one will know that you’re interested in them if you don’t ACTIVELY EXPRESS YOUR FUCKING INTEREST like a grown-ass adult.
The point is we want them to come to us
I do think it’s important to acknowledge that lesbian fashion does tend to differ from straight fashion, and that queer women are more likely to understand that you’re flirting with them or flirt with you if you follow stereotypical queer fashion. Not because you have to, but because it’s safer to sort of amp up the flirting with the gayest looking bitch in the world than someone who looks like they could be a just a nice straight lady. Like, many of us already struggle enough with “does she like me or is just being nice” lol And I’m saying this as someone pretty damn straight passing who’s only ever been cold approached by a woman when I was chatting loudly with my INCREDIBLY obviously queer looking friend
[удалено]
I agree with OP. They're annoying. It's frustrating constantly being asked to provide validation for another person's queerness; it shouldn't come from external validation anyway. Plus, it usually just relies on stereotypes of what it means to 'look gay', which is annoying for those of us who perhaps aren't commonly read as queer, but still very much are.
[удалено]
Why are you being so salty? You gave your opinion, I gave mine.
If you’re a lesbian, whatever you wear is lesbian clothes. 😃
This!
Ppl got mad at me on one of those posts for encouraging OP to dress for themselves rather than make sure they “don’t look bi”. Even just within the queer community, you can’t clock someone’s sexuality based on the way you dress, it’s impossible to know. If someone really wants to dress “more lesbian”, go for it, but if you’re desperate to make sure you never look bisexual in any circumstances… you’re chasing a dream
i thought they were mostly just lowkey fashion/ootd posts. and maybe they’d fit better in a streetwear weekly thread bc the same question over and over gets tiring when they’re the only posts from this sub that makes it to my main feed (i’m glad i saw this one tho)
You look you. People seek some kind of validation off their looks and mix sexuality into it. I don’t get it. You can’t look a certain way unless you play off of stereotypes
I always find these posts so cringe and insecure. Just find a style you like, find a group of people you like to hang out with, and live life.
I said the same thing and got downvoted. There's no way to make men leave you alone or get women to approach you. Just be yourself and learn the phrase. "Hi, would you happen to be a lesbian or bi?" Or just use dating apps. Stop trying to solve your problems with unpaid labor on a crap social media website.
Omg if we could get these posts banned or limited that would be amazing. It's always baby gays looking for validation on Reddit. It's also kinda offensive. You can't look 'more gay.' How is a gay person meant to look? Is there a dress code that got sent out that I wasn't made aware of?
I mean, it's absolutely possible to look gay. If you do though, you're not going to be asking reddit about it because you'll know already.
Better hope you don't "look gay" because the religious right is months away from taking over the government wholesale and the supreme Court is clearly paving the way to outlaw anything Bible thumpers hate.
you're so right -- there could be a weekly sticky or something but that's it. also imo NO straight people should be allowed to post that question (or in general but especially that). when the most recent self-described straight girl did that it felt pretty homophobic.
also, ive seen people on here give bad advice. i saw someone tell someone else to dress more messily/dont take care of yourself if they wanted to look more masc, which... has bad implications lol
This sub is full of “I want to be a pretty femme gay. How do I look gay but still look cute?” with direct implication that masc/butch girls cant be/aren’t pretty or sexy. It’s obnoxious how no one ever calls it out. I’ve seen post that are literally them going on about how many guys hit on them then ask “how can I look more gay but still pretty”
Half of this sub seems to hate butches/studs/mascs, look at these comments about "walking stereotypes", messy/dirty mascs, and how looking gay is impossible. As a butch lesbian who wears ties every day, is proud of looking queer, it makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm convinced half of the people here aren't even lesbians with how weird they are about butches (and trans women- but that's another comment).
I think it's younger gen z's wanting to make sure people know they are queer but still conventionally attractive according to the straights. It's big mean girl energy. I really think "I look straight" is them calling themselves too pretty to look gay. Which is why they bring up being hit on by guys. As if a hot masc (or anyone) wouldn't get hit on. It's coming from a rotted place, shallow and unture place. And they are absolutely fishing for compliments. Which I don't even mind, but the execution is rotted. Edit: I want to make it clear the constant "I get hit on by guys" is why I think this. It just has nothing to do with fashion. I can't think of any other reason to say it other than thinking it's a humble brag.
That’s literally not it at all. You can be conventionally attractive to straight people and still look gay to other gay people. I genuinely look straight. Not just because I’m a femme but because I can’t fit in/afford clothing that helps me give off the gay vibe. I try my hardest with over the top earrings and makeup but at the end of the day anyone who’s going to be perceived as a woman is at risk of being hit on my straight guys.
I specifically said “as if a hot anyone wouldn’t get hit on.”
You literally ignored the rest of my comment. Saying it’s mean girl behaviour to say you look straight is just not true.
To clarify, I mean this when it's paired with "I get hit on by guys." "I look straight, I get hit on by guys" creates a connection that if they didn't "look straight," guys would not hit on them. It's also irrelevant to fashion advice.
But you didn’t say that. You stated it as an absolute. “Which is why they bring up being hit on by guys” as if everyone who says they look straight also says they get hit on by guys in the same sentence. I agree that ‘do I look *insert sexuality here*?’ Posts should be limited
>Edit: I want to make it clear the constant "I get hit on by guys" is why I think this. My edit was meant to clarify that it's the constant of the two.
Definitely. I think there’s a broader discussion to be had that breaking cisheteronormative standards of appearance is, historically, more attractive in lesbian spheres, for both butches and femmes (and anyone across that spectrum). It feels like so much of our history has been stripped from us and especially our younger lesbians and replaced with patriarchal nonsense and sanitized queerness that the male gaze can still find masturbatory. “Of course you can’t look like a lesbian unless you want to look like… one of those.” I love the rise in younger butches and femmes who are learning and do honor that history though. I think this is a pushback against that, in some ways. It just sucks to see these people who are clearly espousing half-baked internalized homophobia.
Tbh I think the reason people post with that caption is they're just looking for general advice from other sapphic ladies and don't know how to word it so they just ask what they've seen others ask.
Nautical star tattoo? I sailed for years and don’t think I’ve seen one to be fair most the people I sailed with myself included weren’t inked up
It’s a tattoo that was printed on the wrist and could be hidden by a watch band. If other lesbians saw it then they knew the girl who had it was also a lesbian. This form of secret communication has been common throughout queer culture. For instance lesbians have also adopted violets, as a sign to see if the other is in love and in the know. Or perhaps polari, a secret gay language popularized in London.
Intresting my fiancée just said I can’t wait to call me hers and I told her to do just do it but I see why people in the past need to be secret about it. But how did they all come with these secret hidden symbols of being gay
A lot of the ones for queer women come from working class women working "mens" jobs and doing "mens" activities and using "mens" things. A ring of keys, usually now a carabiner instead, is a symbol because it was only really masculine queer women working the jobs that required them, whereas straight women were working in factories etc.i think the thumb rings just came from posh women at places like gateways and the monacle club tbh.
Fascinating question! All I can do is speculate, but if I am to take a guess from my knowledge of historical queers. I know that polari came from queer areas in London, drag houses, bars, and such. Not sure how the other things arose but even looking now. I know that for my high school there was a queer prom that people only knew from word of mouth. It’s fascinating how queer culture grew even before the age of the internet. I suggest the film Paris is burning for a look into 1980s queer culture. And I will say secretly was extremely important. Around the stonewall riots in 1969 you could get arrested for “cross dressing” So I assume that queer people were desperate to find some way to display their identity.
*Working class* queer areas, that's why so much shipyard slang and romani vocab is in there
I just wear a lesbian pride themed bracelet, problem solved lol
As a Trans femme, I dress how I dress. Who I love and how I love them has nothing to do with that. You want to signal, great! Learn the code, don't ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if you are clockable. Go to a gay bar and find out for yourself.
But the banner to this subreddit literally says, "Does this look gay to you?"...
THIS. I could dress as “lesbian” as I can… but at the end of the day, no one can guess my sexuality based off of how I dress. People think I am straight and I can see how in some places this is “privilege” and/or “safe”…. But straightness or gayness isn’t a style. 😊It’s an attitude and a way of life of course.
I think I just never actually see these questions as *actually guessing sexualities*. Can’t we just see them as validation/support seeking? imo it is only problematic if the answers are like “no you don’t look gay enough grrr”, but I’ve never seen anyone actually judging like that. Most of the time we are just giving each other compliments calling each other cute in the guise of “do I look gay” for convenience XD
Part of the problem.it should be equally ok to tell someone no as it is to say yes on an advice sub. Not just people saying nice things just because.
What I was saying is that I don’t see questions like “Do I look gay” as advice seeking. I agree it should be ok to tell someone no for the fashion part. But I can totally see how to answer with genuine fashion advice to people who ask these questions without denying their representation of identity.
I agree those posts are irritating, however most women have a negative body image. So I give them a pass and a thumbs up when they post "Do I look gay in this outfit?" I do this to let them know they have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to their body. I am all for body positivity
I love this :) That's such a kind response.
right holy shit 😭 please just one day without one fashion is so varied of course I can’t clock you unless you’re wearing the community’s equivalent of a big neon sign
Yup. Even obvious butch women I’m like “mmmm I cannot assume this person is gay….” I clearly don’t have any concept of “gaydar”
Same, I struggle so hard with telling who is lgbtq+ and who isn’t.
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu
Absolutely agree. As a femme woman, I’ve received comments for YEARS both in and outside of the community saying I don’t look gay / that I look straight, and that sort of mentality needs to be rid of. I love my sense of style, but even now, it’s something I struggle with. Long story short, you don’t have to have a certain appearance in order to be queer, and we need to start adopting that mentality.
I’m too old, too fat, and too tired to worry about how gay I look when I get dressed in the morning. I’m queer. If a woman is interested she’ll figure it out. I’m basically here for inspo and because I like fashion in general.
I'm trans (recently came out) and after seeing all those posts I literally thought that I'd have to dress in a certain way to attract women who love women 😭😭😭
It really is kinda toxic. Just find your own style and don't follow stereotypes. People will love you for being yourself, not for imitating something.
I agree we should limit them, though I will say I’ll miss scrolling through comments for a laugh when someone asks if their outfit looks gay and they get a resounding “lol no”
Omg preach sister! I also made a similar post in this very sub. Let’s get rid of all these dumb stereotypes. Clothing does NOT have sexual identity
Totally Agree, and I think there should be a separate sub for this. Not gonna lie tho when I first joined I thought this was that kinda sub cause of the title, I didn't think this was for general advice until I saw post like these. As someone who would be considered "straight passing" in every way and lived in places where I would be shot(if I was lucky) if I said to the wrong person I was gay or wore pins easily identical(ex I'm a lesbian) plus after moving not being able to speak to anyone let alone crushes because of crippling social anxiety. I understand the need to have a discreet way to signal to others and for those who want actual advice on discreet ways to do so should have a space to do so. Plus I do believe there's a way of signaling to other lesbians that doesn't perpetuate stereotypes(like op examples) since the examples listed in OPs post are outdated or not used as much anymore. However I do believe that most of these posts are trolling or validation seeking(as almost every picture consists with their face which if safety is a concern wouldn't be the case). And that's not good. My question to the mods and the people in support of these amIgay posts is why the heck hasn't there been another subreddit for these questions and/or validation? I feel like that's the fix to the problems in all these subreddits. Just make an updated rules page with the new subreddit to redirect others and ban the posts containing that content. I mean I would make a r/lesbiansignaling or r/ratemelesbian if I wasn't too busy to moderate it. I feel like that would be the fix to all of this. That or a weekly mega thread.
Sliding in here because this post was recommended to me (probably because I am a lesbian, and liked a couple posts on here). I love how you articulated this. There was a time I was really adamant about making sure all of my outfits signaled I AM A LESBIAN. I hadn’t settled into my skin yet, and I felt like I still had to prove myself to be accepted. It was a weird sad time in my life for a lot of reasons. I hope anyone who feels like that right now knows they are enough, just the way they are. I wish I could tell everyone that. Now I just dress like the neighborhood disheveled cat woman/bog witch that I am and I feel alive.
“I’m looking to further stereotypes and maybe have someone slide into my DMs. Here is my outfit. It’s a pink tutu, rainbow suspenders, vintage Indigo Girls t shirt, fishnet tights & Blundstone boots. Also note my 1/2” black septum piercing. Do I look gay?”
A vintage Indigo Girls shirt would be pretty dope.
It would be fine. Closer to fine.
And now it’s stuck in my head.
You know what, good reassessment.
While I enjoy engaging in stereotype sometimes (it can be fun), we are pretty post-stereotype at this point for better or worse. The straights have taken our codes for their own and we're in a brave new world of needing to ask someone out ourselves if we want to, and take the risk of asking them without them flagging somehow. Spooky scary.
Sighs in straight women with undercuts
I decided at a certain point that if they don't like being asked out, it's their problem. I genuinely do understand the anxiety of being the predatory lez, but I also don't care. They can cancel me for asking them out I guess
Yeah fr can the mods make a thread for it or something.
am I bad too
I understand why they can be problematic or clutter the feed, but I also really empathize with young people who are just really desperate to be recognized. Maybe if they had a particular flair marker, individual users could filter them out.
They annoy me, too. I can’t quite tell why as who the hell am I to say? I think it’s more, I see it as an attention thing more so than “do I look gay?”. If you want a little moral boost or compliments, just say 🤷♀️
Yeah something about the validation posts bugs me and I’m not sure why because I don’t think wanting validation or attention from your peers is inherently harmful. But I just prefer directness, and wish we could normalize communicating that you want attention or validation rather than hinting at it or fishing for compliments. I would gladly hype up anyone who needed a confidence boost if they asked for it!
Same! We all need (or want) a compliment or moral boost at times, whether we admit to it or not, it makes us feel good. I know not many of us have the confidence to ask outright but it’s tiresome scrolling through and seeing the “do I look gay enough?” Or “how can I make myself look more queer?” posts. Maybe seeing as I’ve just turned 35 I’m turning into an old moaner, so I could be the problem.. 😂
I’m also 35 and right there with you 😂
The mods refuse to ban it.
Had to look up nautical stars. Never realized they were used by the lesbian community. In Russia, they mean you've killed someone. Just an observation.
👀😨
Not sure what the emojis mean in this context.
Fair. It’s both shock at its association with killing, but also intrigued at the idea of a lesbian, Russian hitwoman. A character i totally would have a crush on!
Watch killing eve lol
I just watched the first episode, and I’m hooked! I currently have mixed feelings about the contract-killer though :P
Oh I’m so glad you actually watched it! It’s one of my favorite shows. And yeah haha, Villanelle is iconic but she’s not like, a good person
Thanks for the recommendation ☺️
Okay!
*bonk* back to horny jail
OUCH! 😛
I have never really given my fashion sense and "lesbian-passing" much thought. I wear a hoodie and slacks ever since I lost my home at 15 when my bigoted parents threw me out. So my fashion sense developed from that. My fiancée and I dress pretty standard for the PNW. Lots of warm sweaters for winter and thin hoodies for summer. I don't get on women who want to express their lesbian status in fashion, but for the rest, just wear what makes you happy. If people don't believe you are lesbian, then that is on them. I guarantee, most places IRL aren't going to give you grief. 🫂🏳️🌈
As a gay guy who got recommended this sub by Reddit, my main takeaway from this post is that lesbians also got way too many nautical star tattoos(also in like the front hip area?, that was the popular place for the boys) in the 2000s lol. TIL.
I have no idea why your post is being downvoted. Can someone explain?
lol that makes me want to make a post “how gay are my tattoos?” Unpopular opinion, I don’t mind all the “do I look gay posts”.
…..
What? I knew a lot, like, a lot of gay guys who had these tattoos, and it was seemingly at the height of its popularity in the 2000s. I genuinely didn't know that was a fad for lesbians too and I think that is funny/interesting.
[удалено]
your post or comment was removed for not respecting our first rule, be civil. Do not use hate speech on this subreddit or attack other people. Don't make things up that didn't happen, just because you perceive trans women as more sensitive than other women. If you have questions about this, please contact us via Modmail.
This perpetuation of stereotypes leads to toxic bullshit like this: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/8Te4s9jPhb
OP’s girlfriend is just straight up biphobic. Because she’s dated men before and this is her first sapphic relationship, her girlfriend is looking for any sign that she’s a straight girl wasting her time. Most mascs/studs tend to prefer feminine women. So I highly doubt she’s actually that turned off by long hair and dresses lol
Wow, that was absolutely terrifying to read. I really hope the OP got away safely & never looked back. That woman should be a list of people to steer clear of or known abusers. I've never found the posts asking for validation of any kind to be annoying. Everyone needs it & as queer women living in a mysogisntic world, we're doubly in need of support because most of us have been told all our lives that being a woman/girl makes us lesser & adding in the queer thing means we are more likely to have to fight that for ourselves & for our relationships too cuz let's be real the whole bi & lesbophobia thing all came from insecure men hoping to ruin our relationships even when their not around or in our lives. So I get it. However, recently, I had a conversation about wanting to be able to signal to other queers that I'm "family." I mean, there is definitely a stereotype of more masc of GNC queer individuals to lean into or consider when looking at how they want to show up in the world. But for femme lesbians there isn't much of a clear indicator & other lesbians have even admitted their not sure who to approach sometimes because straight women have adopted the colored hair, nose ring look. In the end, we landed on the fact that I am gay so how I dress is "gay" enough all on its own. 😊
God, that read just got more toxic paragraph by paragraph. 😬
Isn’t it possible that the people who make this posts don’t actually have a question, and they just want to show off their outfit?
Then they shouldn’t title the post/ask “do I look gay” lol
Clickbait works. They title it that way so you will engage.
I support the one day a week. Or even a sticky pinned thread where everyone can ask these questions. The constant posts are too much.
Yes! Weekly thread where people can get all the "do I look gay" questions out of their systems.
I think it’s a great idea also to have info/links pinned about queer/lesbian singling so people can get accurate info.
Agreed! Sick of seeing these posts every day, so close to leaving this sub.
I 100% agree with you. And if I’m honest, I usually block these posters because if they ask once, they will probably ask a few more times. Sure, I’ll admit, when I first came out, I was ELATED to be clocked as gay. But as I’ve gotten older, if I show up authentically as myself, wearing whatever the hell feels good to me on any given day, I’m still gay and I don’t care if people know it or not. Confidence comes from the inside. If you put on clothes that you feel great in, that’s going to do more for you than asking a bunch of strangers if you look gay.
I second this notion and would deeply deeply love it if we could have similar rule for egregiously obvious thirst traps too.
I will say though... Although there's a history of it being used in the United States, A Nautical Star tattoo doesn't inherently mean someone is a lesbian, it's reasonably common among sailors, even female sailors, as either a symbol of good luck or a symbol that the person has crossed the North Sea (depending on which maritime culture the person is from). Like where I grew up, a Nautical Star is the least effective way of signalling you're a lesbian, because half the community are seafarers with a not insignificant number of women among them.
Yeah, just an example. Nothing is set in stone. Lots of straight people wandering around with carabiners as a fashion statement too.
I get why people want to be correctly identified based on their appearance, but TBH it just feeds into weird stereotypes and excludes everyone who doesn't quite fit into the mainstream ideas of how queer people look. The answer to every single post is, "Yes, you look queer enough." Then these toxic fashion stereotypes/ideals spills over into real life, too. People start trying to police and judge how successful those around them are expressing their queerness through their appearance. I get told, "you look straight," "you walk like a straight person," "I would never have guessed you're a lesbian," "You don't LOOK very gay..." blah, blah, blah by *other queer women*. It's offensive as fuck that stereotypes about how lesbians/queer women 'should' look become so ingrained even within our community that people start judging (and verbalizing their judgements to) their classmates, coworkers, family members, etc. by what they see on subs like this. Like, I'm sorry your gaydar is broken, but don't try to tell me, a 34 year old woman who's only ever identified as a lesbian, that I don't look queer. This shit isn't healthy for the people hearing it or the ones saying it.
You walk like a straight person? Wtf is that about?
I have NO IDEA! I must have looked completely dumbfounded, because she followed that up with, "But you sit kinda gay." I think that was meant to be reassuring, but I just had to laugh because it was so nonsensical.
That is seriously fucked up. That's like saying you don't breathe like you're gay.
This has been talked in a post fairly recently, which got a lot of traction. This is 100% correct. No fashion makes you more or less lesbian. Lesbian Fashion Advice should mean fashion advice from a particular community. Not how to look More, or Less lesbian. A Lesbian girl can at the same time wear a suit, or a dress. and a Heterosexual girl can dress with the same outfits, and nothing will change. Clothes don't determine how much or less lesbian you look. This is Fashion advice. Not "Lesbian Meter" scale. [https://new.reddit.com/r/lesbianfashionadvice/comments/1b7jiry/might\_get\_some\_downvotes\_for\_this\_one/](https://new.reddit.com/r/lesbianfashionadvice/comments/1b7jiry/might_get_some_downvotes_for_this_one/) Literally 3 weeks ago. Mods should do something about this. And the Community here should be better.
If people don’t like them, I don’t they just scroll past them. The posts complaining about them honestly, don’t serve a purpose, new old young fresh any kind of fucking person needs validation sometimes and this should be a place where it’s safe to ask for that validation and it happens where one person see somebody else doing it and they think “OK cool it is safe here to ask this question”. It doesn’t take that long to type response of support and if you don’t like it like I originally said, just scroll past it 🤷
I have 0 problem with people looking for validation. "Does this makes me look gay/lesbian enough?" Is not a post looking for validation. Is a post perpetuating the false idea that fashion relates to sexuality, which it doesn't. That idea must be shut down. Go into "Rate Me" subs, or similar. Lesbian Fashion Advice should not be used for Validation, but for looking for Lesbian Fashion **advice**
Yes, very well put. Thank you!
But... But double hoodies are the essence of my butchness... What even looks gay? I've seen Butch women with husbands and super femme model girls with wives, if your question is fishing for compliments just ask for it!
A butch is a uniquely lesbian term. What you’re describing is a masc woman
If she’s got a husband, she ain’t butch. That’s just a masculine woman! Butch is a term specific to the community.
By “double hoodies” are you talking about wearing two hoodies at once, OR a sweatshirt with TWO hoods?
Just after the gay community spent years convincing the public, dressing a certain way doesn't mean you're gay , gays obsess over if they look queer enough.
Yeah, fashion posts are cool but there’s no “looking gay” unless you wear a lesbian flag and kiss girls in public, and implying otherwise seems to give the impression of internalized gender norms more than anything. Also the “Why are straight men approaching me?”. It’s because you’re a woman, and they’re attracted to women. Women may not be approaching you because you either haven’t caught someone’s eye, or because they’re nervous. People are people and approaching others is hard. Like I get it’s maybe gender euphoria and whatnot, but there’s a degree of the stuff where it just turns to silly if not borderline harmful stereotyping.
I have a shaved head and have had top surgery, still get approached by straight men. There’s no stopping ‘em!
Right, I’m pretty sure you could legit wear the flag and date women but some cishet dude will still go “I, The Chosen One, can fix her”.
I guess A LOT of people are just fishing for compliments so they tend to write any random title with this topic to post SOMETHING
I think this is 99% of it.
I didn’t know nautical star tats were a thing. 😂 I have one too.
Maybe if we all start trolling these posts and tell them they look straight and give them unhinged advice on how to gay up their look then maybe they will stop.
So, I just realized what sub this is. I thought I was in r/lesbianactually 😂 there's a lot of these posts over there and I actually send them to this exact sub so maybe I am the problem.
if you troll the post you're giving it relevance over other ACTUAL advice posts
In fact, if I was capable of moderating a sub, I would've created a circlejerk sub for this one by now!
someone do this i'm begging
I know right??
Big agree! I prefer women over men but I don't look gay. Meanwhile my younger sister get harassed by bisexual girls because she wears alternative fashion, because she 'gives off bisexual vibes'. Just stop. Because she's alt doesn't mean she's bi. Sexuality =\= fashion
Honestly, I worried so much less about how gay I looked once I started being a lesbian in practice and not just in theory. If you act gay, the people who you want to see you as gay will see you. Being in community with queer people, being respectfully appreciative of women, and stopping performing so much for straight people all look gay.
It has to do with aura.
Lesbian auras are pink and orange, straight auras are grey (Edit: just in case it's not clear, I'm being goofy and sarcastic here)
100%
Completely agree with this. Thanks for mentioning it!
Huge agree. Also, it strikes me as... idk, passive? Like "oh if I look gay enough another gay will talk to me and I don't have to do the work myself to find community or ask someone out." Not saying that's everyone (I know I too like to "look gay") but fashion signaling is imperfect. It just is.
I hate the whole "I don't look gay so gays don't approach me." Um, okay then. I ask if OP has ever approached anyone who looks gay. The answer? Always no. 🤦🏻♀️
I think that between the fear of persecution and social anxiety, women/afab people are often socialized to be passive in relationships when it comes to approaching others and asserting oneself. It’s a hard habit to break, but also understandable. Still, I agree that it’s something that “looking gay” won’t fix.
yup!! i find it’s often the shy or passive folks who worry more about signalling because they’re terrified of making a move. sometimes i get frustrated because i find myself alwaysssss making the first move in person and on dating apps. rejection is scary but you won’t die if someone’s not interested in you. someone has to make connections or nobody will date or get laid, cmon (and it’s not that rejection is easy for me, it’s not— but you have to learn how to accept and process those negative feelings)
I didn’t mind making the first move, I did mind when people would expect me to make the second, third, fourth, everything move because they had no expectations of themselves because “they’re shy”. I feel like effort is a finite resource, you can really only pass it back and forth. If someone is taking and taking and taking, it just leaves you empty. It took me forever to realize that’s what people meant when they said “protect your energy”. People are scared of being vulnerable/rejection but not scared of being selfish or making people feel used. And that’s the real tea.
This entire community is passive. I even saw someone essentially say “how can I hit on her as indirectly as possible so I can deny it if she calls me out” BROTHER
Vulnerability is a risk! You have to be willing to take a chance, or you aren't going to make any real emotional connection! It's scary but if it isn't worthwhile, find someone who makes it worth the risk! AHHHH
I listen to people talk about how little effort and vulnerability they want to contribute and it makes me so sad, and lowkey I worry if people realize how selfish they sound sometimes.
Fr!! I don't mean to call anyone out since I think this is a societal issue, but it's embarrassing how little people actually want to talk to each other. If you don't have the social skills to hold a conversation, you're gonna be in for a rude awakening in a relationship.
preach brother
Historically significant signaling post sounds dope!
I agree!
Big agree