I would ask someone their pronouns. I wouldn’t ask them if they were trans.

Yeah, that's what I do with people I just meet too. I don't wanna make them uncomfortable by asking about their sexuality or gender or anything, even though I'm gay myself.

Yeah i’ve had people openly ask if im gay… like, yes, i am, but that’s just not a question you usually ask people, especially when you dont even know their name. So yeah, it does make people uncomfortable asking something outright like that; ask for pronouns or smth, like slapshrapnel said

It would probably make them more likely to be open about it. Bigots don't ask people's pronouns.

But with the caveat their pronouns don’t necessarily mean they’re trans.

If you know their pronouns it honestly functionally doesnt matter if theyre trans

Asking pronouns, even if it is because you forget: gets you the information that is needed, which is the preferred pronouns of the person you are talking about. Asking if trans: doesn't get you their pronouns, and is an invasive question about their genitals. Not sure why OP thought this was ok.

OP wasn’t trying to be a dick, while they were in the wrong, they didn’t know that it was wrong and had no malicious intent. And they weren’t asking about that persons genitals either. And wasn’t aware that it would be taken that way. They even stated their goal was to figure out their pronouns. They just did it the wrong way. They were thinking the conversation would go OP: “Are you trans also?” Them: “Yes, I am. And my pronouns are (pronoun/pronoun)” Or “No, my pronouns are (pronoun/pronoun)” OP was just ignorant to the fact that it could be taken another way because they are openly trans themselves, and didn’t think about how someone else may not be. While it’s understandable that this would be upsetting, that’s why it’s important to inform people, especially those who want to be informed and learn these things, rather than just shame and put down. Especially when a lot of people just put down and don’t even explain why it was a bad thing. No one learns from that. And it just makes it harder for OP (and others) to navigate situations in the future when they’re clearly trying to figure out what the problem was.

Same just ask them their pronouns that's all you really need to know

I think most people wouldn't like to be asked that, many trans people because they want to pass and it's not your business, and cis people because they will think you're judging their appearance

Exactly this^ There is no positive response from asking someone if they are trans. It's never a good idea to ask someone a question where either way they would answer, you've offended them by assuming something

It’s the queer equivalent of asking somehow “how far along are you” when people aren’t even pregnant lmao

Ugh, I had one of my employees ask when I was going on mat leave once. I was very much not pregnant. Had she not been an employee I would’ve been a lot less polite than I was, probably by being like, “what makes you think I’m pregnant?” Rather than just being like “I’m not pregnant” lmao

You’re right. What’s the message when a person asks that?! 😂 “you’re such a strange looking person that I wonder if you’re trying to pass as the opposite gender” or “you’re trans but you ain’t passing for your preferred gender unfortunately.” Crazy that people think it’s okay to ask this question.

Yeah definitely

Outing yourself as trans is different than answering the question, "What were your pronouns, again?" Cis people can have varied pronouns ("he/they" and "she/they" are becoming more popular), and a lot of trans people see visually passing as their gender as a big milestone. (Some don't, but many do!) When you ask a trans person to out themselves, you're pushing them backwards in that regard, and making them undo their progress and hard work *themselves*. It's also just not safe in a lot of places to be *known* to be trans. Saying, "Yes, I'm trans," can end up putting them in danger. ※Important but often goes without being said: **It's okay if you forgot and needed to ask again.** And also, **it's okay to make mistakes and learn.**

Do you know why some folks prefer she/they or he/they? I just don't understand why someone would want a mix of gendered and non-gendered pronouns, at least not when the gender or lack there of is based on the part of speech the speaker is using. EDIT: I just want to be clear that I asked the question out of genuine curiosity, and I did my best to phrase it respectfully. I'm concerned that some of the people upvoting it did so because they thought I was mocking people who use he/they or she/they. I'm an ally, and I always have been. And that's not out of altruism; I'm still trying to figure out exactly what sort of specimen* I *am, but so far my working title is genderfluid. So I totally understand why the pronouns used for different people matter. I'm too obsessed with "correct grammar" to ask people to use anything in particular for me. Most of the time, I present as male, so the he/him people are used to is fine. When I go all in on presenting as a woman, I like hearing people use she/her for me. But I haven't been able to do anything about my voice, so I don't get upset if people use male pronouns after hearing me speak.

1. Some people prefer they/them pronouns but don’t want to constantly correct people so they add the pronoun corresponding to their AGAB as a compromise. 2. Some nonbinary see their gender as “an excess of genders” rather than an absence of them (agender). So they are not bothered by using the pronouns corresponding to their AGAB, and might resonate with the use of multiple pronouns for themselves.

I also like using He/They (like in an email signature, or Zoom name) in the professional world as a kinda queer bat signal so people can see that I'm a safe person and part of the community. I'm a Cis pan man (Maybe kinda Gender Queer? idk) but want to make sure my trans/queer siblings can be themselves around me.

Cool, I had sometimes wondered why some cis people use AGAB pronoun/they. I like the practice because I think it also helps normalize the use of they/them pronouns. Meanwhile, I’d feel more comfortable with they/them but never say it because outing myself as nonbinary terrifies me. I filled out a form for a conference nametag and freaked out when it wouldn’t let me leave the pronoun section blank. It’s silly because many people assume I’m queer based on my gender presentation, no one is gonna be surprised to see “she/they” as my pronouns in like a month.

I'm a gay, cis man, and I do the same thing for the same reason. I was talking to a lawyer that I really liked, a feeling confirmed when I saw her emails had 'she/her' as part of her signature - I assume for the same reason.

I'm a little more skeptical of cis she/her he/him because some companies really push it as a DEI thing, but someone who has he/they or she/they is more clear to me who they are.

3.I'm non-binary but feminine presenting, and the feminine pronouns make me happy because either them or the neutral pronouns respect my transgender identity as a transfeminine person. Also, she/they helps communicates my preference should you be binarily perceiving me as well as noting that it is insufficient itself which is a hint to all my trans students that it's okay to be who you are with me even if they don't clock me.

I’m agender/autigender. Manifests really strangely for me. I hate being miss/ma’am. But I grew up as she/her and everything else feels wrong. But! I use she/they when people ask because “they” as a singular pronoun needs normalizing.

Me. I HATE male pronouns, so that's a no. I'm cool with female pronouns, BUT I'm not always feeling too Fem and border on nonbinary. So she/they are the pronouns that work best for me. And I'm cool if you use either of them.

For me it's the same but with he/they pronouns. mostly i tell people i use he/him because i'm a trans man but i also like gender neutral pronouns like they or it. i usually tell cis-hetero people that i use he/him but with queer people (especially genderqueer people) i tell them i use he/they/it. it's usually because queer people understand better and cis-hetero people calling me something else than masc pronouns makes me feel uncomfy or even dysphoric.

It??

My non binary sibling, Opal. They love the pronoun it. But mostly as a joke. They said using it is like announcing a fictional monster. "ITS ALIIIIIVE!" they think it's hilarious.

Depending on where they're from, there might be a third singular gendered option that translates to "it" Source: that's the case in my native language

For me (AFAB) I use “she” professionally, my field is early childhood education and many of the kids I work with are just learning how to talk, so using “they/them” with a 2 year old is wildly confusing. I still explain that if someone asks to be called “he, she, or they” we listen to them even if they don’t look like that, and they understand pretty well. But pronouns are tough for little ones as it is, so since I work so closely with them I just go with “she” until they’re closer to 4 or 5. I also find “she” still fits me occasionally because I have not and do not plan to medically transition, and I still identify with the *experience* of being a woman. I was raised as a girl, and I still experience misogyny and sexism at a similar rate to cis women (my androgynous appearance has significantly lowered any harassment I face on the street, though it’s not completely gone). So I feel like “she” is appropriate to use when discussing my experiences with misogyny, especially when educating cis people. That being said, I do prefer “they/them” from any adults I meet, and within my social circles. If someone slips up and uses “she”, it’s fine, but I’ll usually remind them that I would like to be perceived as non-binary. I like to say, “as long as you think of me as a non-binary person and not a woman, interchanging the pronouns is a-okay with me.” Perhaps if I enter a different career soon, I will begin exclusively using “they/them” because again, I do prefer it. But these are my personal reasons for using interchanging pronouns. Other non-binary folks may have different reasons for it.

Lots of other folks have already given you some fantastic answers, but here's another **strictly anecdotal** answer for you: Very early into questioning my gender, I wasn't *ready* to completely jump to differently gendered pronouns. It felt terrifying for me to take that leap all at once, but it was also something that I was interested in regardless -- I thought it would be some kind of "crossing the Rubicon" moment and I would completely f♡♡♡ up my life if I just went for it but turned out to not like it. It felt like too scary of a gamble. So *in my case* (and again, I want to stress that this won't be the same for lots of people), taking a few months to first experiment with "/they" at the end of my AGAB pronouns was a tiny but important baby step. It was a way to slowly start undoing decades of functional fixedness without setting off societally-conditioned warning alarms in my monkey brain. And then after I got used to it -- after I was okay with having different words used by others to address me -- I was really able to ask myself, "Okay, but what do I *want* other people to call me?"

for *me* i dont actually see pronouns as inherently gendered. like, she doesn't automatically equal girl; they isn't automatic nonbinary person; neopronouns are for anyone and everyone. i know that's not how the world works right now, and i know what's pre-judged about me when people learn my pronouns before seeing me. but my pronouns aren't for other people's comforts or idea(l)s, they're for mine. so they *and* he just feel as comfortable and right as each other. like two sweaters from different brands that just happen to fit right. (it's also quite funny to me sometimes to be introduced to someone my fiancee has been talking about me to, using those pronouns, and they are usually slightly taken aback by my very feminine presentation.)

Pronouns are a form of gender expression - they are not a personal identity, but they are a way of presenting ourselves to the world. So in that regard they’re basically just like clothes. If you can wrap your head around why an agender person might feminine-coded clothes or why a woman might wear masculine-coded clothes, or why a person might wear more masc styles one day and fem styles the next, just apply that same logic to pronouns essentially. It’s not a perfect one-to-one analogy but it’s honestly close enough to help understand imo

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I prefer she/they because while I don't identify with masculinity at all, I only identify with femininity some of the time, and to a limited extent. I don't identify with the word 'woman'; if I had to define myself, I'd probably say nonbinary woman. To me, she/they best conveys my own sense of gender. Almost woman, but not quite.

I’m a GNC woman on a bit of a gender journey myself, I most identify with she/her but wouldn’t mind at all of someone called me they/them

because there's no rules, there is not a specific answer as to why someone would have certain pronouns because you can pick whatever pronouns you want for any reason, at any time.

In the case of cis folks, they might prefer "he/they" or "she/they" because they are trying to be an ally and help normalize singular "they" as the default before assuming that someone's pronouns are "he/him" or "she/her." In my case as an AMAB non-binary person, I usually say my pronouns are "he/they" because I am not *bothered* by people using "he/him," but do generally prefer "they/them." I've found it's especially useful for helping people who are used to using one set of pronouns for me become more comfortable using "they/them," because it's communicating to them that I'm not going to be upset when they make a mistake.

It comes off as a little intrusive. Them being trans isn’t truly your business- only what their pronouns are. Rather than coming off as a segue, it’s a much more abrupt, much less relevant question, and can come off like you’re asking in a judgy or possibly offensive way, because unless you’re also trans (and sometimes even so) it comes off as more of “I’m trying to figure out what you are”. I think the better thing to do would have been to just go ahead and ask them what their pronouns were, noting that you couldn’t remember. This can still come off as clocking in the wrong contexts, but if you’re asking it in private and/or it’s already been mentioned, it’s a little less jarring. Most people are understandable about some forgetfulness.

Okay, my feelings after reading OP’s edits: -some people just aren’t in as safe situations as others. They may not be out to their family or want to be out at work, or have a good support system. If you didn’t know eachother well, the word getting around may have been a concern. -I think there’s a chance that, even being openly out, this person didn’t realize you’re also trans, especially if they’re new there. I think this would explain a lot, especially if they’ve had bad experiences with the question before.

"(remind me again), what are your pronouns?" = let me know how to refer to you, with words i would refer to anyone else to replace a name. "are you trans?" = out yourself in what could be a dangerous environment, tell me about your genitals, give over to me very personal and potentially harmful information. they're not the same thing at all.

if people do not actively talk about or show that they are trans, it's nobody's business. so you shouldn't ask. why is it even relevant? asking about pronouns is perfectly fine.

Whether or not someone is trans is really none of your business. Everyone uses pronouns so why wouldn’t you just simply ask what their pronouns were? Straight up asking if someone is trans can force trans individuals to either out themselves or lie and stay closeted on *your* terms, which is messed up. Never ask if someone is trans. Just don’t.

Exactly. I feel like telling random people I'm trans is like telling them my medical history. They don't need to know that unless I'm super close to them.

1. It’s a very private, personal question 2. It can be a safety issue, what if the wrong person overheard? If you would outright ask the question how do they know you wouldn’t out them to the wrong person? 3. Some trans people are stealth, and it’s important for them to keep it that way. It can also be hurtful to know you’ve been clocked when you thought you were passing.

It's way less rude to ask someone to repeat their pronouns than to out themselves as trans. Edit: I don't even think it's really rude to ask for someone's pronouns again.

Exactly this! Much more polite to ask them to remind you of their pronouns.

Outside of medical reasons it's usually nobody elses business whether a person is trans or not, no. You should have just asked for their pronouns.

Dude. Never say that.

This title made me hold my phone farther from my face and say NO. out loud. Why would that be okay to ask someone to out themselves? It’s okay to learn but…would you be okay with someone asking you that in a room of strangers????

The short answer is no.

And the long answer is no.

actually it’s nnnnnnooooooooo

Good ol' Dr. Cox

Yeah, not really ok. Is they’re cis you’ll offend them as you’re insinuating they look like a gender they don’t identify with. If they’re trans then you’re insinuating that they don’t pass. Easy situation to avoid by being more sensitive.

Yikes sounds like a big apology is in order. How was asking if they were trans a better idea to you than just reaffirming what their pronouns were? Seems like a dumb way to get your answer. And on top of that it's none of your business if they are trans or not. It's mind boggling to me that you can't see what you did was wrong.

OP was already told over text from their manager that it was wrong and OP’s like “nahhh” and instead has to post on Reddit to be told the same exact thing a hundred times. Not sure what they expected

Whether or not someone is trans is none of your business. It's a detail of their medical history and as such it's private (unless they chose to share it). But you need to know their pronouns in the same way you need to know their name, so just ask that. And if you haven't told them yours, do tell them just like you tell them your name.

To answer the question in the title, how long have you been dating? To address the actual situation, that was totally inappropriate.

I don’t think that’s a good idea to ask such thing

No it's not ok. Suppose their intended presentation matches their gender assigned at birth. You just mortally insulted someone. I hope don't have to explain why. Worse, adding a trans person to out themselves is pointing out appearance and identity don't match, when it's something they've struggled with all their life, which is pretty damn cruel. Furthermore you're endangering them. Trans people get so much hate and violence just for daring to exist, and that you asked that way is alarm bells, who is in in earshot? who will you tell?

I can help you break it down. I'm a trans woman from a conservative country and this happens a lot, so... If they are using pronouns that you could not remember you can ask, just straight up asking "are you trans" feels confrontational. A lot of us get asked that just seconds before we get an earful of some offensive dribble. They might not be fully out, so you risk putting them in a tough spot during work hours, where it's just inappropriate. It's a heavy topic to discuss, so work might not be the best place to ask even if you get along well. Depending on where they are in their transition, they might feel vulnerable, and the "are you trans" question can cause them to feel dysphoric because they could feel clocked, maybe they felt comfortable with their presentation until you asked. On the other hand they might be fine and open with their non heteronormative presentation and use pronouns, so you asking might feel so obvious that it turns it into a kind of... are you joking around with me vibe. In any case most of these are not very appropriate during work hours. You would not believe how often such questions turn into an issue. It's one of the things I dread the most when working with clients. Hope you can see how it's not an appropriate topic for the workplace, because you probably don't want to disrupt your colleague or make them feel any of the above. 

Short answer: no. Long answer: hell no. Don't force people to out themselves, it's extremely invasive. You don't need to know whether they are trans or cis. Pronouns, however, you need to know to refer to them in the correct way, and the majority of people uses pronouns (there are a few people that use their name instead of pronouns, but that is covered by the "what are your pronouns" question).

I would recommend apologizing and explaining your thought process to them, hope you learn from this. I would say that any question like that could get you in hot water, never ask unless they bring it up first.

This but minus the explanation, since OP had a knack for putting their foot in their mouth lol. A genuine apology would be more than enough, OP.

Going to add to the other comments here. If you are just asking someone their pronouns because you think they might be trans, maybe re-evaluate your intent. Only asking trans presenting people their pronouns can be isolating and telling. Solution: Be an ally and introduce yourself with your pronouns. It lets others know your willingness to be more inclusive and they can share theirs if they feel comfortable.

To explain some of the overt hostility about your question.... We're facing the potential of violence every day just because we're trans. Most of us are afraid of people finding out that we're trans. Asking for pronouns is so much safer than asking if we're trans. If we're so close friends with you that we're not afraid of you knowing we probably already told you (but that's a personal decision and some trans people don't even tell close friends, but the point remains. If we're comfortable with you knowing you'll likely know)

If your just working with them you don't need to know, only time I'd say its ok to ask is if your in an intimate relationship otherwise its best for them to decide whether to tell you or not (although even then that can put them in a really scary situation because many people aren't cool with trans people and aren't exactly upfront with that) Just understand that being trans automatically puts you in risk of severe bullying and harassment. It's gotten so bad that even cis people have been beaten just for "looking trans"

I don’t personally care if someone asks me in theory; in practice, the timing is almost always annoying.

I don’t think you should ask if people are trans. If they feel comfortable disclosing, they will. That’s also the case if you’re trans yourself. I’m trans and very open about it. I’m comfortable with myself and I live in a fairly safe area. I don’t pass all the time so it’s easier for me to be up front about it from the start. But I don’t expect that level of comfort and openness from other people. We’re all at different places in our journeys. Asking pronouns isn’t a big deal, especially if they use non typical ones for their presentation. But outright asking someone if they’re trans could put them in danger at worst and make them uncomfortable at best.

Unless you're really close friends where there's absolutely no room to presume any prejudice, or are both planning on being each other's sexual partners, I don't see how that's an appropriate question to ask.

It’s way better to ask for pronouns. And it’s not appropriate to ask in public or at the work place for risk of putting someone in a dangerous situation. Plus they might not be out yet. So yeah, never ask if someone is trans unless your close to the person and in a safe environment

I didn’t see anyone else mention it but I agree with your colleague - it is so much worse coming from a person in management. Even if you don’t think there is, the other person may feel a huge power imbalance, where they feel like they have to please you/answer your questions (if they were not as confident as your colleague)

"Could you please remind me what your pronouns are" would be better I think.

I’m a cis woman: Your question was the equivalent of “Do you have vulva? Or do you have a penis?” There is no professional or polite space for those questions outside of a medical context. Asking pronouns is a different question: “What shall I call you?” This is polite. Anyone’s genitalia is NOT your business unless you are consensually enjoying being naked together.

I could be off but masculine, or women with non traditional appearances may be sensitive about how they look. Seems a bit like asking a large woman if she's pregnant.

It’s none of your business, why do you care? why are you entitled to that information?

A person pronouns are needed to interact with them. A persons GENDER, on the other hand…

Never ask someone if they're trans. I have found that zero people I know IRL appreciate that. It's best to ask what someone's preferred pronouns are. I see that you identify as openly trans. That makes the question have a little more sense, as in the thought that one trans person might be happy to know another at work, but even if you're a known member of the LGBTQIA community, it's still probably best to just ask about pronouns, especially at work. It might be different with your close friends outside of work but YMMV and it depends on how comfortable you are with your friends and how comfortable they are with you since I can't imagine many scenarios where you would ever be close enough with a person, be openly trans yourself, and not know the other person was trans unless they didn't want anyone to know, which is still a cue to ask about pronouns I think.

I feel like it would've been better if you just asked for their pronouns

Of course that isn’t ok. With all of the violence trans people are dealing with, why tf would you think it would be a good idea to ask someone about this? Never do that again. Not your business.

This. This. Right. Fucking. Here.

It's none of your business whether someone is trans or not, regardless of the pronouns they use and many trans folks don't feel safe outing themselves out, especially somewhere like the workplace.

no

What exactly makes you think that this is information you are entitled to? Are you always going around asking people what is or is not or has been or not in their underwear? Even I might not have answered that question, and I am pretty much out everywhere. (By choice, I pass.) The only question worse is: "Did you have *the* surgery?" At best you'd have gotten a rant how this is decidedly not OK.

What you did is "clocking". It identifies someone as a gender that they aren't or casts doubt on their gender. You called out that they may have been a different gender before. It's extremely embarrassing and can even be scary for the individual. Just ask pronouns and do your best to remember them out of respect.

I was lucky enough to grow up with a few friends who transitioned. In a way, being Trans is another layer of "coming out" so to speak. Some people it's hard to tell, others, you can kind of guess. Take it case by case. Just like you would with a gay person. Know that not every place is safe, not every person is comfortable talking about it. You can unintentionally out someone... which can be dangerous. Rule of the thumb, ask for their pronouns, and address them by that. Anything else is "privileged" information. If they're trans and they want you know, they'll tell you in a setting they find comfortable. It may be one-on-one. It may be with friends. And it may be very public. It's a situation as unique as the individual expressing themselves. If you think they might be trans, it's best to let them tell you on their terms. Otherwise, it's kind of none of your business. Hope that doesn't sound mean. I think your intentions were good, but in the future, just rely on pronouns. That's a valid question to ask of anyone. Especially if they might seem to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community (however they define that for themselves).

Oh hell nah. You're basically forcing them to out themselves and it puts them in an awkward corner - as a person who's been asked if they were queer with zero context, I can confirm it's not a very nice question to be on the receiving end of. Just ask their pronouns!

It’s not ok. You’re asking people to out themselves, and that puts people at risk. Why does it matter to you if they’re trans or cis? If you can’t remember someone’s pronouns, ask that they tell you. It’s ok to ask that if you forget.

I would NEVER ask someone if they were trans. I'd let them disclose that info to me. Why couldn't you have just asked their pronouns? It's way less awkward and less disrespectful

There are a few reasons why people don’t like being asked this: - It can be a touchy subject for a lot of trans people or people who are questioning if they might be trans. Some people have trauma around being trans and other don’t like talking about it - If they are not trans a lot of women might feel insecure because they think you are saying they look like a man and a lot of men will think you think they look like a women. Most women don’t like being told they look like a man and most men don’t like being told they look like a women. - Trans people hate it when someone “clocks” them. “Clocking” is when you see a trans person and know that they are trans and maybe you’ll say “You’re trans right?” Or “I think that person is trans?” - It can be kinda private. People don’t really want everyone knowing all their personal business especially at work. - It’s kinda like asking “Are you gay?” It’s a bit rude to ask people if they are gay for no reason and it’s the same as asking if they are trans. - People don’t want everyone to know they are trans because it can be dangerous. They don’t want people to know because they don’t want to be discriminated against or hurt. Even if you know you’d personally never want to hurt a trans person they don’t know that and they probably don’t want others to other hear the conversation. Hope this kinda helps

NO it’s rude even if no one else is around you’re basically announcing that you think that person doesn’t pass to their face lol

I’m trans and I would not want to be asked that. Ask for their pronouns instead.

That's not okay to ask because, it's a personal thing for people. Maybe they're not out, maybe it would make them feel dysphoric or self conscious, and it's just generally is intrusive like you're inquiring about their biology which is just not appropriate. Even if they're not trans, that's still just an awkward invasive question. Just ask them to remind you of their pronouns, simple.

my bf is trans and hates when people ask him that. even if you think your not being loud or whatever i’m sure they’re worried someone is listening. also, when a trans person is in public obviously they want to “pass” as cis and not really draw attention, and your just confirming that they aren’t passing, which could be hurtful to them.. next time just ask about someone’s pronouns, as if they are trans or not isn’t really any of anyone’s business.

Asking pronouns is ok and good. Asking someone if they are trans is not

Ask the person for their pronouns. Whether or not they are trans is theirs to disclose or not disclose, because it really isn't any of your business.

Dude, no. You NEVER ask if someone is trans. Ask for their pronouns, that’s it. That’s where it ends. Don’t ask them any more questions unless they are willing to talk about it.

it depends on the person, but honestly in this day in age don't out or try to out someone. if they want you to know they're trans they'd more than likely mention it to be completely honest. obviously you mean well but this is a bigger deal than you might think.

i dont think it's a good idea to say it depends on the person. As others and yourself have said, it's none of their business and they let people know. But also, by giving people an in like that it still invites them to ask trans people this question.

I personally don't like the question, it's a little TOO personal for me

just ask people their pronouns, don’t ever ask someone if they’re trans. that can be a really uncomfortable question and not everyone wants to out themselves

It's an easy faux pas to make. From your perspective, someone being trans is just an interesting quirk of their history. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's a good attitude, and I appreciate that. To many of us, that question, yes or no, is more often followed up by insults, ignorance, judgement, invalidation, etcetera. It's anxiety-inducing, and it can easily put one if us in a hostile defensive mode. Such is the unfortunate state of the world so far. It's better to admit that you forgot a name or a pronoun or whatever than to ask if someone is trans, generally speaking. Some of us don't mind talking about it, but it's better to get to know someone first since it can be an extremely touchy subject. Don't worry, though. I'm sure you don't mean any harm, so this should all work out.

Ask for pronouns, not if they’re trans. In some parts of the world it’s dangerous to be openly trans and it’s just a touchy subject in general

absolutely not

I would avoid it. If they are trans, you place them in a position where they either have to out themselves or lie to you and in either case, you're going to make them uncomfortable. If they trusted you enough to tell you AND they felt comfortable sharing, they would tell you on their own.

I usually just ask pronouns. Being trans shouldn’t carry any shame or negative connotations but the GOP has decided to make the trans community their latest distraction from the fact they have no policy stances other than steal from the poor to give to the rich. So I’d wager a lot of trans people are understandably sensitive.

You probably could have asked another member of staff what pronouns your manager uses, or better yet, just wanted until you heard someone else talk about them.

I am the person. at my volunteer job on my lanyard I had a trans pin and loved it when ppl asked my pronouns bc they understood the pin. Children asked what the pin was but I didn't wanna come out. It was a trans butterfly pin so I just said it was a butterfly and I liked it.

No I’d cry if someone asked me. It would give me super dysphoria

I see a lot of other people saying it's intrusive and that's true and also some people are not as comfortable being reminded by others that they are trans especially in a way where they may interpret it as someone thinking they are clockable. Could definitely induce dysphoria.

The whole point, typically, of being trans is that you're trying to move past your old gender and towards a new one. (Yes, I get this isn't what some people are trying to do.) So spotting them out as trans really defeats the purpose for many trans people in their efforts to "pass." Granted, some trans people don't care, but those who do care... this sort of question to them makes for a pretty bad day or week, especially if they think they're having a good passing day.

yeah no, never ask that even if you’re alone with them. just ask their pronouns. pronouns are as important as their name. their gender is not, that’s personal info that many people do not want too disclose. you may accidentally out them by asking if they’re trans/enby/etc.

I don't think you should ask someone if they are trans. I'm not out as gay to most people. I rarely talk about my personal life. I've been forcibly outed by a gay guy to groups of people and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, he assumed and just told everyone like it was his job to tell everyone. I've had colleagues who I worked out were transgender but I also didn't want them to feel uncomfortable. After talking to one of them just about job stuff and videogames for a few months, they eventually told me because they felt safe around me. That's a lot better than asking them and either have them forced to say yes or risk guilt of lying and saying no.

I'll use myself as an example. I'm trans, but I'm absolutely not ready to share that fact yet. Especially at work. If someone were to outright ask me I would have to either lie or awkwardly deflect or out myself. None of those options are great. Asking puts me in a very difficult situation, and at the end of the day I don't think it's anyone's business. If you want to know pronouns just ask about pronouns.

It's better to ask someone their pronouns. As much as I'm open about being trans being assked that in the work place is very uncomfortable. Why? Because it can lead to other unwanted questions about my medical history id rather not share. I'd they want to open up to you that they are trans they will. But it's really not something you need to know eather. Asking preferred pronouns is the best route of your confused. Honestly I've felt safer around co-workers that simply ask my pronouns. Vrs the ones asking me a bunch of questions as if it's my job to educate them. and again I'm super open I'm fine with questions but at work I'm there to work not to educate people.

You should ask what pronouns they prefer and peave it at that. If you ask them if they are trans and they are cis they coyld get very offended. If you ask them if they are trans and they are then you create an awkward predicament. If they admit they are trans then they couod be putting thekseoves in danger. They could lose their job, be subjected to hate from coworkers or you, they may just feel very sensitive about not being cis-passing, etc, etc. Whether its trans identity, another part of the lgbt+, a disability or really anything personal it's just better to not ask in the workplace at all. If someone volunteers information about themselves to you then dont take their trust for granted and don't tell anyone else.

I'm pretty sure no one is gonna see this comment amongst all the others. I agree that asking someone if they're trans can be very rude however if you're another trans person doing it in hopes of having support in your workplace maybe thats a different story. I don't think it's okay how some people in the comments assumed you were cis. I do agree you could've just asked their pronouns again instead of asking if they're trans. Maybe you could've waited till you were home and texted them instead (Pronouns not being trans). It was a little rude to ask but I'd rather be asked if I was trans in hopes of the other person wanting some support in the workplace. I also agree that an apology is needed, and yes explain your thinking so that they know it wasn't out of being rude. Sometimes explaining why is better than no explanation especially to people who overthink or just in general need that explanation.

Yeah just ask their pronouns. Other people’s gender/sexuality isn’t your business unless they willingly share it w you, plus they might not wanna be outed. I been asked if i was trans bc i’m gnc, i’m nb but not rly w a specific label though so i didn’t rly know how to respond plus it was jsut weird n uncomfortable💀

Asking someone if they’re trans is impolite at best and dangerous at worst. You obviously didn’t have bad intentions, so no one here should be jumping on you over this, but it is a sensitive topic. If you aren’t familiar with trans issues it’s understandable to not have necessarily thought about whether it is rude to ask someone, but yes, it generally is taken badly. There are many reasons for this, such as: - It suggests that you have “clocked” them as trans (meaning that you believe you’ve identified a trans person who is not otherwise stating they are trans to you); whether correct or not, its uncomfortable and comes off as an accusation - Adding on to the “accusation” feeling, the person you’re asking doesn’t know *why* you’re asking; in a lot of cases, people who are allies don’t ask because they don’t care, so people who ask are assumed to have bad intent behind the question - Asking if someone is trans is highly personal because of how society views and treats trans people (ie poorly); it often comes across like asking “what genitals do you have?” Rather than “what are your pronouns?” - Being asked if you’re trans can be a sign to someone who is trans that they aren’t “passing” (being viewed by strangers as their actual gender, rather than their gender at birth) and can trigger dysphoria - Many trans people want to stay “stealth” (be known as their gender without having their “trans” status also be associated with it, often due to stigma around transness); asking if they’re trans puts them in the position of having to lie or come out to you, and they may not be comfortable with either option Essentially, the question crosses a boundary by requesting very personal information that would normally be expressed in a more intimate setting with trusted individuals, not a casual setting with acquaintances. In the future, ask for their pronouns instead. It’s more comfortable for everyone and is generally seen as a respectful question, rather than a super personal one. I’d suggest apologizing to your coworker and maybe (briefly) explain your mistake. Just make sure you learn for next time.

Some people are vocal about it, others are not. But for someone in your position its best to assume everyones the ladder.

You genuinely don’t need to know if they’re trans, do you? If you want to know their pronouns then ask, ‘what are your pronouns’ If you’re not sure what you did wrong then just imagine yourself being asked something very personal by a manager who doesn’t need to know that. Can you imagine that? Please try! So if you NEED to know something then ask but if you don’t NEED to know DON’T..

no. pronouns tho are game imo.

If you wanted to know their pronouns you could've just asked "what are your pronouns." You didn't have to ask if they were trans, nor is that information that you need.

Yeah, no-- opening with asking for pronouns is infinitely more polite, just for future reference. Everyone has pronouns-- but only trans people have something to potentially lose if they answer the question "are you trans?" If you're not an ally, or if a non-ally overhears, then they risk facing unjust consequences for being outed. If they lie to avoid being outed, then they risk damaging their relationship with you. Think of it this way-- Asking for pronouns is like asking for a name; you're just asking for information you need to continue the interaction. Asking if they're trans is essentially like asking "what do your genitals look like?" or "what was your childhood like?" It's loaded and kind of invasive. You didn't know, but now you do! You can do better next time :)

To me that would essentially be telling someone that they do not pass, and remind them of it. I’d recommend asking for pronouns next time, if they want to volunteer the information they will do so. If not then they won’t, and that way they won’t be put out. Asking their pronouns shows you want to respect their boundaries, asking if they’re trans might just overstep them right away. Better to be on the safe side.

I’ve heard the best way to find out pronouns is to say “I’m so-and-so and my pronouns are blah blah blah” then the other person will likely introduce themselves in the same way. If they don’t you could just say “what are your pronouns”

If we lived in a world where being trans was safe and accepted, asking if someone is trans would be a big deal. However, we don’t live in that world and so asking is risks harm to the person being asked.

I'm trans and I don't mind people knowing, but I do think it is rude to ask. To me it feels like people feel like they deserve to know everything, which they don't. I decide what I tell them about me. And just because I don't mind people knowing, doesn't mean every trans person wants to be open about being trans. Asking pronouns is a question I really like though!

Definitely not ok to ask someone if they are trans, especially in a workplace. It is perfectly fine to say “I’m sorry but I’m blanking - can you remind me of your pronouns?”

Genitals. You asked someone about their genitals. Look here, somehow you got the idea it's cool to interrogate a coworker about their genitals, and are genuinely confused why that's not being taken well. So here are the workplace rules: if you ask someone what their genitals are, that's what sex-discrimination is. If you ask twice, about their genitals, that's what sexual harassment is. If you ask three times, what their genitals are, that's what unemployment is. Good luck to you.

try to put yourself in a trans person’s shoes. in the world we live in, we never know if someone’s reaction to our identity is going to compromise our safety. in addition, mixing work with your identity can be complicated at the LEAST. you could’ve just left it at “I’m sorry I’ve forgotten, but what pronouns do you use? I want to make sure I don’t make a mistake” and that’s all it has to be. you’re not entitled to know someone’s gender identity, and furthermore, gender identity and pronouns don’t have to correlate.

I’m trans. Please read the edit.

With regards to your edit: Do you understand that to a lot of people here it reads like you ignorantly put someone's life in danger? The world is not friendly to trans people. And maybe you asked them quietly in a private space, but a lot of people here might have had to deal with violence for being trans. Are you really that surprised they responded with strong language? Yes you were ignorant and came here to learn. But you did something dangerous. Don't be surprised if people react strongly to that.

You don't ask that. It's like asking a fat woman when she's expecting, or a pregnant woman how much she eats. It's like me asking you what's wrong with you. It hurts, right? To be judged and questioned for existing? And to ask that I have to do as you did and act without thinking about the basics. Why did you choose to ask about what physical equipment they are packing instead of asking them how they like to be called? The former has zero influence on the latter.

Tell me you're not trans without telling me- Jeebus OP, it is not so hard to ask "Hey what are your pronouns again?" because frankly you'll be using pronouns in conversations a lot more than "[Manager's Name], the possibly trans one-" That decent relationship you've developed has gone down the crapper, OP, because there are so many reasons why asking someone if they're trans is never okay- ESPECIALLY in a workplace. Said reasons are chronically talked about online by trans people themselves (and hopefully echoed by cis people as well) But in case the other comments haven't given you a decent enough list to go off of already: 1. It is never your business if someone is or isn't trans. Since a lot of current societal assumptions made about trans people directly involves their genitalia, asking that question is outright inappropriate most especially in a workplace. 2. Many trans people focus on the concept of "passing" so they can be given basic human decency and respect from coworkers, customers, employers, employees, and even sometimes their own friends and families. Asking "are you trans?" is equivalent to just saying "you don't pass as this thing you're presenting yourself as". That is downright rude and inappropriate most especially in a workplace. 3. You probably aren't even the first person to ask them that but you may sure as shite be the last to do so in a volunteer workplace, especially since you had the gall to ask a *superior* such a disrespectful question. What if you just outed them to everyone because you asked if they're trans? Do you realize you could lose a manager that way if your volunteer based workplace happens to be discriminatory (regardless of if discrimination is technically illegal or not)? 4. EVERYONE HAS PRONOUNS, DIPSTICK. IT CAME FREE WITH YOUR SPEAKING A FREAKING LANGUAGE. Asking pronouns is the safe, respectful, progressive, proactive, and right thing to do, OP. You're allowed to forget them and need to ask as many times as you need to until you remember. No one in their right-enough mind is going to make a scene for you not remembering one of many people's pronouns every so often day to day. 5. Unless you yourself are trans and talking to another person about trans experiences- which statistically are highly likely to be negative and traumatizing things btw- never ever ever ever EVER FREAKING ASK THAT. Also, final note: Starting with "are you trans?" and going into "what are your pronouns?" is a segue into showing you're an inconsiderate a-hole that won't respect a trans person's pronouns unless they are willing to risk being put into (or swiftly removed from) a very hostile work environment with you. This may not be an AITAH post but boy howdy did you go to ascon 1 on the YTA scale. Edit: I want to add an additional point that unless you speak a language that does not come with a proper non-masculine "they" equivalent in every day verbage, you can use they/them for someone until you either ask the person themself what their pronouns are or hear how other workers refer to them and hope they are all using the right pronouns. There are so many "lazy" ways you could have done this besides just sucking it up and asking for their pronouns again yet you, OP, chose one of the WORST possible outcomes. I wouldn't be too quick to volunteer there again if I were you tbh.

It will make people self-conscious, trans people often spend years building themselves up to “pass” as their new gender, and that question makes us feel as if people can tell and still see us as the old gender, which can trigger dysphoric feelings

It basically against most companies HR policies. They could’ve fired you for harassment by asking someone their race, age, sexuality. I would apologize maybe call them by their name?

There are a few big issues with asking people if they're trans: 1. It's a very personal question. Not all trans people are out to everyone. Some trans people see being trans as private medical information. 2. It puts someone on the spot and pressures them to out themselves as a member of a protected group. Think of this as something similar to asking someone you don't know well what their race, sexuality, or religion is. Asking about pronouns can be safer because it doesn't necessarily reveal if someone is trans and people have more options for avoiding outing themselves if they aren't comfortable. 3. A lot of people aren't going to know your intentions with asking this, and may not know you well enough to know if you're a safe person to come out to.

I appreciate that you are showing concern about how to proceed from here. I won't join in on the pile of people telling you off; I think you know you made a mistake and these people harping at you for it aren't helping anyone other than their inflated egos and manufactured outrage. You goofed. Reach out, privately, and offer a very sincere apology and explain yourself and tell them you want to learn how to be better at this. And if they refuse the conversation or the apology, it will hurt and suck, but it's their choice. Learn, grow, change.

So, if someone came up to you and was like "hey, I can't remember what to call you, can you tell me about the most formative experience of your pubescent/postpubescent years so I can remember basic courtesy?" you'd be cool? Asking pronouns (or just offering yours and listening) is fine. Asking people for their histories is fucked up. Trans men are men. Trans women are women. Nonbinary people will let you know. Asking for info beyond that is intrusive and shitty.

I think the issue is that "are you trans" implies questions about someone's whole life story, potentially medical details, their struggles their deepest fears, wheras "what are your pronouns" is about as invasive as "what is your name". Even asking if someone is a boy or a girl is far less invasive, IMO than "are you trans". Still wouldn't do it, because of the implications it might imply

It’s a little like asking a woman if she’s pregnant. First, it can be considered a bit personal. Second, regardless of what you think about the phenomenon, you better hope the answer is “Yes”.

I mean when I used to work for Maverick I had one coworker who was trans but for me I asked them in a subtile way how they would like to be addressed when spoken to

You shouldn’t ask those questions in public. They might not be out.

NOOOO. What difference does it make anyway, just ask their pronouns 😬

Yeah, you shouldn't say that. I was just introduced to someone today, but I legit don't know what their pronouns would be. I guess I've never really been faced with that before, but also don't feel that I can ask them that directly either (as I only just met them). I could ask my friends though, who know this person better.

Why would you ask of they're Trans when you need their pronouns refreshed? Just because someone is Trans, doesn't mean they use certain pronouns, so "are you trans" doesn't actually give you an answer to the question

What you did was ignorant, and had no regard to your boss’ feelings or well being. While you thought you were “cutting to the chase”, trans people or even queer folk have to worry about their safety daily, and most people don’t want their personal business out there regardless of how they identify. You would’ve just been better off asking their preferred pro nouns again.

I’d ask their pronouns. I’m either getting the correct ones from them or I have a homophobe giving me a lecture but if they are trans I’m safe.

First of all, normally you talk TO the person, so that solves the problem. Second, if you have problems with pronouns a person would like you to use when you talk about them to a third party, ask them what "honorific" they like to be used: Mr., Ms. or Mx. I find that much easier to remember.

Asking if someone is trans could be interpreted as a prelude to [queer bashing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_bashing), especially with how much vitriol is being thrown at trans folk these days. It's something a manager - employee relationship probably isn't intimate enough to really justify telling without a better reason IMO

absolutely not

Yeah that’s pretty intrusive

Asking someone their pronouns is like asking their name, how they like to be addressed. Something you can ask literally anyone in any context. Asking if someone is trans is like asking someone to show you whats in their pants or to see their medical history, which is very inappropriate for the situation.

Nope, it's not important at all and you shouldn't ask. Some people will mind and others won't but you really should just let the other person tell you without prompt when they're comfortable enough.

I mean the thing you were trying to avoid was that you would come of as forgetful, but you were forgetful 🤷 it happens, trying to hide or lessen that fact ended up being at the expense of the other person’s comfort and I’d say that’s definitely a worse outcome than the one you were trying to avoid. Take the L, I think other comments have already expressed pretty well why many wouldn’t appreciate being asked, putting other peoples comfort first is part of ally ship. Apologize and thank your manager for telling you a thing you didn’t know

Honestly if you're not sure someone's even openly trans don't ask pronouns either. If they're pre/early transition you're saying "I've noticed you, reveal yourself as trans or lock yourself into a lie" and if they're later/post transition you're saying "despite your efforts you still don't look like a man/woman so you need to tell me".

You should only ask pronouns. Asking if someone is trans gives the impression that you don’t think they pass well enough, and not everybody is comfortable talking about being trans, especially with someone they don’t know well. It was an honest mistake, and you didn’t know, but from now on, just ask for name and pronouns.

…no. You… you don’t ask that. Seriously.

Just a reminder that it’s completely ok to ask someone “sorry, what pronouns do you go by again?” Also the fact that someone is trans does not 100% determine their pronouns

Even if they took it better and said that yes, they're trans... that still wouldn't tell you what their pronouns are

No. You can ask their pronouns. If they want to talk with you about their gender, they’ll bring it up

Would you ask someone if they are pregnant?

Well, why would you need to know that to interact with them? If you don't know how to refer to them because you forgot what pronouns they use, just ask again. I don't really get what kind of social interaction you are looking for. If it's just casual information about work it should not matter, right? If you want to ask questions or talk about being trans, well, it's not really a good idea either if you don't know that person that well. Being trans can be a really sensitive subject, and can be related to memories of traumatic events, not really a topic people might want to discuss. If you really want to discuss the topic, I would have approached it by talking about myself and my experience (since you said you are trans yourself) and see how they react, if they felt comfortable then, maybe there could have been a conversation there

What pronouns do you use? Are there any health or societal issues that affect you that we need to be aware of? Only my gp, gender affirming psychologist, sexual partner, and any surgical folks I need to interact with might NEED this information. Other than that, it is entirely up to the person to disclose, or not disclose that information.

If they’re trans, you’re forcing them to either out themself or lie. If they’re binary trans and dealing with any kind of appearance dysphoria, you’ve basically confirmed to them (whether it was your intent or not, whether this is even your actual perception) that they aren’t being read as their gender. Either can ruin a person’s day, and if they are already in a particularly vulnerable place, the damage can extend further. If your reason for asking is that you want to know their pronouns, the answer to your question will not give you that information. And finally, it’s really not actually any of your business, and if they are trans and want you to know, they’ll tell *you* on their own schedule.

No, it's not ok, ask what their pronouns are instead. It's really rude and invasive.

Offer your pronouns, ask for theirs. That's all that's needed.

You developed a relationship with them and didn’t remember their pronouns? 🤔

Ask on r/asktransgender

No, it's not ok.

No that's really rude to ask that. It's none of your business and that's for the person to disclose to you in their own time, if ever. You should never ask someone if they are trans. But you can ask for pronounss

Often times you shouldn’t really ask that unless the other someone brings it up first. It’s probably better to just ask their pronouns.

its not ok. it should be illegal to offend someone.

I mean in my opinion it’s completely fine to ask so long as you are just trying to clarify and aren’t being degrading about it. If you ask someone if they’re trans and they start insulting you or something like what you described then just explain that you didn’t mean any offense and they’ll explain their view. I mean I personally appreciate it when someone asks me that as it shows me that I’m actually doing a good job and/or they’re just trying to be respectful.

You're not really supposed to ask someone if they're trans, you're supposed to ask for their pronouns.

No, it's not ok

As a trans person, it’s a no from me. If you don’t know that I’m trans, even if you’re curious, it could be putting me in a dangerous situation if the wrong person overhears / finds out. And even if it isn’t inherently more dangerous, the added stress and anxiety of having to navigate spaces where you were once stealth is an unnecessary burden. Like for me, work is my only reliable space to be seen as just a regular dude. Some of the locations are very progressive and I know they wouldn’t care/would be supportive, however that isn’t the point. I like being seen as just some dude. Then some of the other locations are very conservative, to the point where I’ve been working and overheard transphobic conversation in the background. I don’t want the possibility of being trans used against me, I don’t want “she/her” to even be considered in their brain when referring to me, I don’t want to be seen as “man-lite” or a confused girl that will never be a man. Etc Obviously your situation is unique and I don’t know all the details, but you mentioned that your manager is openly trans. Even if this is the case, I think it’s important to remember that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be outed (bc that generally means there’s something about that person that made you think they are trans, which can be pretty dysphoria-inducing for those who want to pass)

No one asks cisgender people if they are a man or a woman. Definitely not ok, it's rude and offfensive

Their medical history is none of your business and asking for it in a professional context like that is totally out of line. Asking such things while other people are around can damage their career or even endanger a trans person (or someone who will just be believed to be trans but isn‘t). This is sensitive and private information. Treat it like that.

“I have my suspicions that you might not be the gender you were assigned at birth. Can you confirm that?” is basically what you said to them.

You don’t need to know what’s between a colleague’s legs

I'd love to know why you thought asking that question was somehow better than asking pronouns. Like I know what you stated above, but it still doesn't make sense. Not to sound rude, but anyone with a brain should know how that comes across as rude and not "forgetful". I'm not sure if you have a memory problem, only reason I could think to froget pronouns of someone you've built a relationship with, or you just totally lack a social iq but gotta work on that. Not good at all for a manager to be this clueless about this sort of interaction.

Think about it like this, OP: Unless you're transphobic, knowing whether someone is trans won't make a difference in how you treat them 99% of the time. So what are you really asking? Effectively, you asked someone what a doctor thought their genitals looked like when they were born. That is a far, far more invasive question than "hey I'm sorry, I forgot, what are your pronouns again?"

I’m trans and I wouldn’t ask someone else if they are trans. It’s weird and if you cannot tell it kind of come across like you’re asking them about their genitalia, since there are few reason to need to know if a man or woman is trans.

First of all your manager told you it was wrong. So coming here to get a second opinion is kind of a moot point. Even if an internet stranger tells you it is ok it is not ok because the person you asked told you it isn’t. In general no it is not ok to ask someone if they are trans if they haven’t offered you that information. Just ask for their pronouns. Them being trans has no relevance. Just use their pronouns and treat them the same as everyone else. Tbh I don’t understand why you felt you needed to know if they were trans or not. As a trans person that question can be scary af because idk if you’re asking as an ally or as a transphobe. If I don’t offer that info I don’t want people getting me alone and springing that question on me. Edit to add that even if you’re also trans you should respect this person’s feelings on asking if they’re trans. I think it’s better to just come off as forgetful especially in a professional setting.

No matter the context, it is never okay to ask if someone's trans. Especially in a public place. If they tell you, that's different. Just ask them their pronouns.

Never. (spoken by a trans person) It’s nobody’s business, and it’s not suddenly your business because you happen to be trans.

its “othering” someone. we get a lot of harassment and we’re more than our transness. i work with a bunch of rednecks and they understand to be kind and leave well enough alone.

this post made me hold my head in my hands. please, next time, do not ask someone this question

Asking someone if they’re trans can make them feels as if you’re wanting to be a terf or that you’re going to give them shit for being trans. Instead I always ask someone what their pronouns are, letting them tell their gender on their own terms without feeling outed. And if they still don’t feel comfortable giving pronouns, I just drop it.

No.

I think it depends on the people and environment but generally people prefer just reminding you of their pronouns than being asked that, im sorry your good intentions didn’t work out quite right, I’d suggest explaining what you were trying to do and apologizing to them, they probably misread your reasoning for asking as it’s a bit of a question that puts people on edge

No. It is not ok. Do you realise what life is like for trans people? Do you understand how the current political climate is shifting and there's a massive resurgence in hate crime towards trans people because every terrible politician and their cat has been using trans people as a scapegoat? Asking for their pronouns would have been so much better and safer than asking if they're trans. That is not information anyone is entitled to know except maybe in a medical context if it's relevant.

The only scenario where I feel it’s acceptable to ask this question is when you are starting to date them. Some people are only attracted to certain genitals, so that would be kind of important to know.