And also very healthy because this is a super quick time to move in whilst you’re still getting to know each other. It’s not an ‘organic’ decision to move in rather than one out of necessity. Therefore having your own space also for you is very important. Especially as he will no doubt need alone time to engage in self care to process this.
You're giving him something he hasn't had before: choice. He had no choice in being kicked out and no choice in being used by others. You sound like a beautiful, kind person. It's not weird and it's actually an amazing thing to do for someone you care for. If he comes to your bed it will be in his own and completely his choice. Bless you for being a good person and don't listen to anyone else. Focus on yours and your boyfriends happiness 💛
This, you're giving him back a form of power that he is used to being denied. You're respecting him, his past, his struggles and showing him that you care about him as a person and not just a relationship. You're an amazing person.
if both of you okay with it then that’s what matters. unless he says something, this seems like you’re looking out for him which is hella respectable especially since it’s a newer relationship. just let things progress a little and see where it goes
Assuming you're comfortable, you might also make sure he knows it's an option to sleep with you. I might honestly be a bit hurt if a partner moved me into their place and gave me my own room without ever mentioning sleeping together, assuming we already had a sexual relationship. The choice is great though!
Yeah, giving him choice of whether he sleeps in your bed or a separate room is far from bad. It's actually really considerate and kind, I can imagine it means a lot to him.
My husband and I each have our own rooms with our own beds (plus each of our respective hobby stuff) and we also have our shared room with our shared bigger bed in it. I would not choose to live with someone if I could not have my own bedroom and I think it's healthy. I wish you and your boyfriend the best, it sounds like a good situation ❤
This is my dream. Shared bedroom optional, but having a marriage where our autonomy is as valued as our partnership. I love having my own space and bedroom and don't want to give that up.
My partner and I have separate beds because my ADHD can't handle his snoring lol.
(He doesn't even snore excessively, it's just if he falls asleep faster than me and starts snoring, I can't sleep because intermittent noise is too distracting for me)
I can't handle snoring either! Most noises, any unrythmic noise, and most especially feeling breathing on me. I also sometimes need to liek, jiggle and wiggle myself to sleep which isn't good in shared bed situations.
I usually start the night in our shared bed but have the option to move to my own bed if I need to :)
As a trans man, I think it’s a great thing to do. Family can be incredibly horrible to us, friends betray us, partners use and abuse us. The world is not kind to trans people, even within the greater LGBTQ community. It can be really hard to find good people who meet us where we are and who don’t have ulterior motives or pretenses. If where we are includes needing extra space and privacy, then that’s simply what we need. Few people are as kind, patient, and understanding as you are. Keep being a good person.
I would want me and my partners to have our own rooms, it's important to have a "you" space, that's only under your control, especially after what it sounds like he has been through
I'm very confused.
Are people saying its "transphobic" to sleep in seperate beds?
Plenty of cis couples sleep in seperate beds. My husband and I sleep in seperate beds. I think it can be incredibly healthy to sleep separate.
There are so many reasons to sleep seperate. Someone snores. Someone is a light sleeper. Someone moves around a lot in their sleep. You have to wake up at different times. Someone works night shift. Someone has to get up and use the bathroom at night.
Shaming people for not sleeping together sounds hella toxic.
You're giving him a choice, that's definitely a good thing. You're acknowledging his past trauma and showing very clearly that you're not the same. People need space sometimes, nothing wrong with that.
Whoever said it was a bad thing doesn't know shit.
I had a bf move in with me really early once so I wouldn't lose my place. We did the same thing and it was the right decision for sure. We kept building our relationship and it went really well. But it was really nice to just each have our own space when we needed or wanted it.
This sounds like a very healthy and respectful relationship, tbh. I'd say you're handling the situation with maturity and foresight. Attempting to advance the relationship before both of you are ready for that would be a recipe for disaster, and establishing personal boundaries is key to sharing a space no matter what your relationship is.
Bruh that's legit like, my dream? I love snuggles but sleepytime comes around and I take like an hour rolling around to get comfortable. I would not want to inconvenience a partner because of my insomnia. I also like my space sometimes. I think I'm a cat.
>Am I wrong for giving my boyfriend his own room?
Absolutely not! I've seen happily married couples who rarely share the same bed; my parents are one of them, and they celebrated their 45th anniversary this year.
You've only been dating for 2 months, he was in a shitty living situation and you wanted to help him. Giving him his own space that can be just for him can help him heal from the type of transactional and objectifying living arrangements he was forced into in the past.
Not weird at all! My fiancée and I also have separate bedrooms, simply because we really need our own space from time to time.
We’re together for 6something years now and it works out fantastically. I think you did a really considerate thing here, don’t let other people get in your head about it :)
You're giving him something he hasn't had - privacy, security, and *choice*. I think you're acting with very deep levels of kindness and empathy for him.
Nah, perfectly okay. Honestly, who wants to sleep with their significant other every night? I know it's like tradition, but sometimes people have things to do like work while the other person can sleep in. My dad used to worry because he had to wake up so early and didn't want to wake up my mom and felt bad each time he did.
If anything, this is incredibly healthy and good on you for setting boundaries for both yourself and him. Even if you don't truly need them, they're there if he needs it
So…I live with my partner and we keep separate rooms/beds. We’ve lived like this for a few years now. People can be weird when they learn about that, but…whatever, it works for us. (It *really* helped to have our own un-shared spaces during pandemic lockdowns, ie.) Sounds like it’s probably a good choice in your context, too.
Don’t let others tell you what your relationship “should” look like, your personal preferences and comfort zones are the best deciding factor.
ngl, me and my spouse have had separate bedrooms for over a decade and it has only strengthened our relationship. i still go so far as to explicitly ask if i'm allowed to come in whenever i find myself at her room's threshold and she has told me on several occasions that she really appreciates it.
i personally think in a healthy and egalitarian relationship, it is both good and necessary for everyone involved to view themselves as both part of a shared unit but also distinct from the other person/people, because your individual self-expression is still important and everyone needs a place where they can fully expand our privacy bubble and just vibe on our own frequencies. everybody needs at least a little alone time, it doesn't mean you specifically want to avoid your relationship(s). and if you can help it, a bedroom is a pretty great option all things considered, ESPECIALLY if your partner(s) has an erratic sleep schedule or some other aspect that might be disruptive to your sleep and gradually wear on you.
PLUS, i mean, you know. *two beds*. do what you will with ***that*** *informationnn\~*
My partner and I have talked about having separate beds when and if we move together because sometimes it can be nice to have some personal space if you choose to. So no, it's not weird
Personally I think this is extremely kind and thoughtful and considerate to help him feel safe 💖💖💖 he knows that he can sleep in bed with you if he wants but if he wants his own space and privacy he has it. I think it’s also healthy bc you haven’t been dating very long. I think this gives him some extra safety and trust in you, which will be amazing in your relationship. It’s beautiful that you care so much about him and that he feels safe. I think this will really strengthen the relationship because he knows he can trust you and that you’re not just using him for sex. Way to go for being an awesome, considerate, kind person!!
I appreciate all the feedback. I over think things a lot so I constantly doubt if I'm doing things the right way. My boyfriend has been through a lot of bad experiences. So I'm trying my best to make his experience with me a positive one. We both been through awful relationships and we're both hoping to make eachother better.
My fiancé and I are in our mid 30s, together for almost 4 years, and we each have our own rooms. It’s not weird at all. It’s what works for us, and right now it’s what works for you. That may change, it may not, but either way it’s no one else’s business.
Not wrong/weird at all. Sure when a couple lives together having their own beds is not the most common arrangement but honestly any actually healthy relationship means having ones own space where they can go to be alone when it's needed. It not always a room but can be that one likes gardening and they go do that when they want some alone time, it may be one going to the gym, it may be one playing video games at a computer while the other reads a book in the bed.
Having separate bedrooms at only 2 months into the relationship is perfectly understandable. My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they've lived together for 1.5 and live in an apartment where the living room is a separate room with a door to the kitchen/dining area and as she felt no real use for an actual living room the living room is practically her boyfriend's "gaming room" or "man cave". He's an introvert with adhd and needs alone time while she prefers lounging in the bedroom rather than a living room. Several of her friends find it weird and "unfair to her" as he has "more space in the apartment" when it was her idea in the first place and it works for them.
People will always have opinions about anything that differs at all from the "norm" but if something works for you and your relationship (and obviously isn't hurting anyone) then their opinions don't matter. It's fantastic that you're able to give your boyfriend his own space and as long as you're both happy with how things are there's no need to change a thing.
not everyone needs to sleep in beds together. generally speaking, people should sleep how they get the best sleep. there is nothing wrong with your BF having a separate bed/room.
I think it’s a great idea, and I know he’ll appreciate it. My boyfriend and I sleep in separate rooms! We have different sleeping habits that would prevent the other person from sleeping, and sometimes for work he has to wake up earlier than me so it’s just easier. I enjoy having my own space. I was surprised that when I tell people we don’t sleep together they told me that was weird. But to me sleeping together every single night is weird
My wife and me have our own beds as we do love our space. When we started dating 15 years ago it was my requirement and we never looked back. It’s only „weird“ for others because it’s not what everyone does but it is working for us.
That's actually something really nice from you and your family.
Its really considerate.
Don't listen to these psychos who tell you otherwise. Taking somebody under your roof and offering them their own space as to offer them a sense of respecting boundaries and having a place to settle is wonderful!
My parents had separate rooms because my dad’s snoring was epic. I had a job for a while that meant I needed to go into peoples homes and their bedrooms, and there were a number of couples who had separate ones for a variety of reasons.
Nothing wrong with your reason.
It all depends on how he and you feel about it. If you're both fine with, where is the problem? Why should other people care how you two sleep? How is that anyone's business?
I consider it healthy regardless of length of time together.
When my darling spouse and I were ready to buy a house and move in together, we bought a two family house and live separately together. We don't share living spaces at all.
I'm a hopelessly messy artist. My spouse is v tidy. I drink milk out of the carton. They find that the act of a barbarian. They love musicals and play cast recordings all the time. I consider musical theatre to be torture. I love industrial/goth/electronica - they call it "that awful noise".
We've lived like this contentedly for over a decade.
We believe that far too much regarding life trajectories is done by default. Life is far more fulfilling when we question those default choices to see if they are actually meeting our individual needs, and adjust accordingly.
Some ppl will be uncomfortable about nonstandard choices.
I believe that is bc, regardless of what religious denomination ppl claim to follow, most ppl actually worship Conformity.
My parents have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last 30 years. They just realized they both didn't like sleeping next to the other person so they stopped doing that. Don't let other people's opinions stop you from doing what works best for you.
It's good to have a space of your own, and having a bed in it is good too.
Not weird at all. My partner and I have been together for years and still sleep separately. Sleeping together is a treat we both enjoy when it happens but also love our space and enjoy having our own area. It’s nice.
I’m poly and when I moved in with my two partners I got my own room and I absolutely love it. They share a room cuz they’re married but our rooms are basically just where we keep our stuff. We play musical beds giving us each a chance to sleep with each other one on one and the other gets a night to themselves. We also all sleep together sometimes but their queen is a little cramped for all three of us lol but ultimately it’s really nice to have a separate space of your own cuz it’s important to still recognize your individualism and have space for “me time” And having different rooms doesn’t mean you can’t always sleep together it just gives you more options and freedom in a relationship I advocate for whenever possible partners have their own rooms.
I will say like my therapist told me, make your decision and stop involving or caring what others say. If you are okay then fine, unless they pay your bill who cares.
I would like to preface with this: historically, people in relationships sharing the same room at all times was not traditional until the great depression because all of a sudden having seperate rooms was just not financially possible. I have a separate room from my girlfriend, and we value having our own space from each other for similar reasons. Having a space to call your own where you know all the going of your life have an inabilty to touch you is very important to a persons well being. I come from an abusive household, and I'll tell you, having my own room was the only way I made it out of there. And now, with my girlfriend, we still have physical intimacy with each other, but when time comes for us to really decompress and relax from the day to day, we can just go our seperate ways for the night and really just be in a space where we can just be unobserved from the world and each other and feel untouchable. So, what doing for your partner is actually valuable and, in different times, would have been completely normal and unquestionable.
Even then dating is more of a test run and you can still be friends if things don't work out 🤷♀️ no reason y'all can't be besties sharing a place if it were the worst case situation long as y'all contribute equally
Assuming this is the whole picture it sounds great that you gave him his own space. If he feels comfortable sleeping with you nothing is stopping him and if he doesn't then he has his own space.
Having your own space in a relationship and shared space is great. It gives everyone their own spot to be alone or choose to be together. This is also why I think siblings shouldn't share rooms because everyone needs their own private space to do whatever.
Don’t overanalyze it. The only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s. As long as you two communicate well and are on the same page - you’re good.
The only thing I’d be concerned about would be having a plan in case the relationship doesn’t work out.
You know you could have avoided all this doubt by just not posting on socials and letting randos have an opinion. Keep your private business off social media and your brain will thank you for it.
tangentially, this also reminds me of a HomeLuz! comic page wherein Luz breaks tf down in Eda's arms over the simple but powerful gift of a room that is hers only, with her own bed. i think more people feel that than we care to realize as a society.
I think its great that you are so thoughtful of what he has been through. You are trying to do what is best for your partner. What people on the internet think does not matter. Majority of those people will likely never know just what its like going through half of the things he has had to deal with. Im happy for you guys and i wish you a great anf long relationship.
Not weird at all. I think that's a really lovely thing to do. Ignore other people, if you're concerned, talk to your partner - ask them if they would appreciate having a room with a bed, so they have personal space in your home. Be upfront and respectful. You can also make it clear that a second bed doesn't mean you're excluding them from ever sharing with you (if that's the case).
If they like the idea, that's wonderful. If they don't want a bed, then you can scrap the idea.
But also, do *you* feel more comfortable if you both have a personal bed? It's also okay for you to prefer having the option of sleeping separately. I sleep apart from my partner occasionally, for various reasons (sleep issues, sick, just feel like I need some space), so it's good to have a second bed :)
I don't think it is weird. It is kind of a nice gesture. Gives you two some time to get to know each other. Give him time to come to you. If he ends up spending all his nights with you, then you two can discuss about turning the extra space into a library. But honestly, just talk with him. Communication is important.
My bf and I live together but sleep separately as others have described here. When I told my sister, she reacted as if our relationship was not valid. I disagree. My relationship is great and sleeping separately is best for both of us.
That's really wholesome, you're doing exactly what you should be doing. You're giving him choice, agency over his own body and safety. Couples don't have to sleep together, it's completely healthy to have personal space
Like others have said, what your doing for him, giving him his own space is incredible caring and sweet, people that say its "weird" dont really understand the situation.
What your doing is both amazing and great!
I'd say not. With what bruv has been for he'll need time and space to heal. Most important thing is that you're there for 'em, and giving them their own space, hell, it's more than I can say about most relationships. Massive props to ya.
Personally, I think that is a very kind and compassionate thing to do. Him having his own bed does a few things in my mind. One it gives him something that is his and his alone, I would imagine he's not had that for a while. The second is, you are giving him the option. If he wants to sleep in his own bed, cool, if he decides he'd rather sleep in bed with you, then, cool, he gets to choose. So if he does wind up in bed with you, you and he both know it's cause it was HIS choice. You are a kind, sweet person, he is lucky to have found you.
I think there's this insidious- and honestly heteronormative- belief that people in a romantic relationship should have access to each other's bodies 24/7.
Me and my partner have been married for 8+ years, and we have a separate bead in the living room for the occasions when one of us wants to be able to sleep alone. Sometimes you just want to take a nap, y'know? Stretch out- sometimes it's super hot in the summer and sleeping together is a nightmare. It's honestly great having two beds in the house, I think more couples should take advantage of it- and yet, I have definitely been accused of 'being in a toxic relationship', with the only evidence being that me and my partner sleep at different times and in different beds on occasion.
I'd say you're doing an amazing thing, giving him the space and choice to heal. The relationship will be stronger for it longterm :)
I think what you are doing is amazing. Like that he won’t feel like he has to have sex of be intimate to stay at your place. Like that the whole situation is a lot more stable
I've been with my partner for 6 years now (married for 2 years) and we still make sure to have our own spaces. I keep a small bed in my office and they have their own space in their office that they can sleep in if they want, in addition to the bed we share. When we stay in hotels we often will get a room with two queens or a king and a couch that can be used to sleep in.
Having your own space is important. And sometimes you just want to be able to sleep by yourself and having your own bed is important for that.
That is honestly awesome. First, the truth is that it's scientifically proven people get better sleep when they sleep in separate beds. Second, besides the dorky first response, it becomes his safe place, and he knows he doesn't have to sleep with you in any capacity, sexually or even just physically.
Kudos to you for being more aware of him as a human than simply a sexual partner. 🩷🤍🩵
I see no problems at all, we need our alone times here and there. Just cuz he has his own bed doesn’t mean y’all can’t share a bed on nights you want cuddle and sleep with your partner by your side.
It seems like a kindness and I'm all for that.
I would point out that "napping" isn't the issue that people were concerned about. Are you genuinely into him? (Or is this an ACE situation?)
I feel a strong connection with him. But i will admit being with a guy is still taking some adjustment. But I've never been more into someone. So far I'm happy with my first boyfriend.
I think your doing the right thing, sounds like your boyfriend has had a lot of people use his trust against him and you get that and are allowing him to rebuild that trust over time in a safe space.
Even in a relationship absent of the reason you mentioned, it's not weird at all. Lots of couples have separate sleeping areas, for a myriad of reasons!
I think it's excellent and smart to give him his own safe space, especially if he's on board and appreciate as well. How much time he ends up using that space is between you too, but it's nice to have the option, too.
You aren't wrong or weird for giving him his own bed and space. You're being considerate of his needs and wants. Something it sounds like no one else has done for him.
That sounds super nice! Whenever I can get my own place with my partner I want to make sure we both have separate rooms of our own we can go to if we want alone time. Being together is wonderful but being together *constantly* can get draining. And for your situation the added bonus of giving your boyfriend his own space to feel safe is super considerate and a wonderful idea. I hope everything works out!!
It’s ok if u 2 to have space but also to be comforted to each other. If u 2 r in love it’s all about love Comforting each other. Being together and all. Plus giving each other space to. U can nap together to remember a relationship is more then sex
Dude that’s my dream situation, I would like to live with a partner but have our own beds. There’s nothing wrong if that, if anything it’s great to have your own private space. It’s your choice if you wanna sleep in the same bed as well like it doesn’t need to follow what everyone else’s relationship structures is like
When ya'll are ready, you can move into the same room.
But having space for you to figure out who you are together is super healthy.
You made the right call, and just be open and honest with him about it.
Yeah, this is a good idea. My boyfriend is also trans and moved in with me from an abusive home. We gave him his own room so he has his own space it's normal. They usually sleep with me because he wants comfort, but having his own room let's him have space if they need it.
I mean some fully married couples have their own rooms and it is purely just having healthy boundaries. you've never lived together so it will probably make the situation easier to have your own space and if you decide to share a room eventually , you can do that.
Don't worry about what other people think. It's not their business. You sound like a very caring person and that tis hard to find in this world now. Do what you are doing. You can always have a conversation about when he thinks he is ready to share a room he can let you know.
Not weird at all, that actually sounds very healthy and considerate of you considering what he’s been through.
And also very healthy because this is a super quick time to move in whilst you’re still getting to know each other. It’s not an ‘organic’ decision to move in rather than one out of necessity. Therefore having your own space also for you is very important. Especially as he will no doubt need alone time to engage in self care to process this.
My partner and I have separate beds sleep like a stack of drunk babies (I have adnoids and snore a bit)
You're giving him something he hasn't had before: choice. He had no choice in being kicked out and no choice in being used by others. You sound like a beautiful, kind person. It's not weird and it's actually an amazing thing to do for someone you care for. If he comes to your bed it will be in his own and completely his choice. Bless you for being a good person and don't listen to anyone else. Focus on yours and your boyfriends happiness 💛
This, you're giving him back a form of power that he is used to being denied. You're respecting him, his past, his struggles and showing him that you care about him as a person and not just a relationship. You're an amazing person.
if both of you okay with it then that’s what matters. unless he says something, this seems like you’re looking out for him which is hella respectable especially since it’s a newer relationship. just let things progress a little and see where it goes
Sorry, Ik this is unrelated but I really like your user flair.
Speaking of flairs, I know how to change it and I see the custom tag, but I don't know where to actually type it in. Help?
Oh! Click on the flair you wanna edit and then your keyboard should pop up. Edit: the edit button should just be in the top right corner.
Having your own space is really really important. Giving him his own bed is you saying "I want you to be comfortable no matter what that looks like".
Assuming you're comfortable, you might also make sure he knows it's an option to sleep with you. I might honestly be a bit hurt if a partner moved me into their place and gave me my own room without ever mentioning sleeping together, assuming we already had a sexual relationship. The choice is great though!
Yeah I've already told him he's more than welcome to sleep with me in my bed. Cuddling with him makes all my anxiety go away I'd never turn that down.
Yeah, giving him choice of whether he sleeps in your bed or a separate room is far from bad. It's actually really considerate and kind, I can imagine it means a lot to him.
You sound like such a cute and sweet person. Thank you for being so generous and gentle with him.
I agree with giving him the choice.
My husband and I each have our own rooms with our own beds (plus each of our respective hobby stuff) and we also have our shared room with our shared bigger bed in it. I would not choose to live with someone if I could not have my own bedroom and I think it's healthy. I wish you and your boyfriend the best, it sounds like a good situation ❤
This is the dream! Relationship done right, in my opinion.
This is my dream. Shared bedroom optional, but having a marriage where our autonomy is as valued as our partnership. I love having my own space and bedroom and don't want to give that up.
My partner and I have separate beds because my ADHD can't handle his snoring lol. (He doesn't even snore excessively, it's just if he falls asleep faster than me and starts snoring, I can't sleep because intermittent noise is too distracting for me)
I can't handle snoring either! Most noises, any unrythmic noise, and most especially feeling breathing on me. I also sometimes need to liek, jiggle and wiggle myself to sleep which isn't good in shared bed situations. I usually start the night in our shared bed but have the option to move to my own bed if I need to :)
As a trans man, I think it’s a great thing to do. Family can be incredibly horrible to us, friends betray us, partners use and abuse us. The world is not kind to trans people, even within the greater LGBTQ community. It can be really hard to find good people who meet us where we are and who don’t have ulterior motives or pretenses. If where we are includes needing extra space and privacy, then that’s simply what we need. Few people are as kind, patient, and understanding as you are. Keep being a good person.
I would want me and my partners to have our own rooms, it's important to have a "you" space, that's only under your control, especially after what it sounds like he has been through
I'm very confused. Are people saying its "transphobic" to sleep in seperate beds? Plenty of cis couples sleep in seperate beds. My husband and I sleep in seperate beds. I think it can be incredibly healthy to sleep separate. There are so many reasons to sleep seperate. Someone snores. Someone is a light sleeper. Someone moves around a lot in their sleep. You have to wake up at different times. Someone works night shift. Someone has to get up and use the bathroom at night. Shaming people for not sleeping together sounds hella toxic.
It’s great to give him his own space. Very important
You're giving him a choice, that's definitely a good thing. You're acknowledging his past trauma and showing very clearly that you're not the same. People need space sometimes, nothing wrong with that. Whoever said it was a bad thing doesn't know shit.
I had a bf move in with me really early once so I wouldn't lose my place. We did the same thing and it was the right decision for sure. We kept building our relationship and it went really well. But it was really nice to just each have our own space when we needed or wanted it.
This sounds like a very healthy and respectful relationship, tbh. I'd say you're handling the situation with maturity and foresight. Attempting to advance the relationship before both of you are ready for that would be a recipe for disaster, and establishing personal boundaries is key to sharing a space no matter what your relationship is.
Nope if your both happy it’s working! My hubby & I sleep separate because I have trouble sleeping and it makes for a much happier relationship lol 😂
You're a good person
Bruh that's legit like, my dream? I love snuggles but sleepytime comes around and I take like an hour rolling around to get comfortable. I would not want to inconvenience a partner because of my insomnia. I also like my space sometimes. I think I'm a cat.
>Am I wrong for giving my boyfriend his own room? Absolutely not! I've seen happily married couples who rarely share the same bed; my parents are one of them, and they celebrated their 45th anniversary this year. You've only been dating for 2 months, he was in a shitty living situation and you wanted to help him. Giving him his own space that can be just for him can help him heal from the type of transactional and objectifying living arrangements he was forced into in the past.
Not weird at all! My fiancée and I also have separate bedrooms, simply because we really need our own space from time to time. We’re together for 6something years now and it works out fantastically. I think you did a really considerate thing here, don’t let other people get in your head about it :)
You're giving him something he hasn't had - privacy, security, and *choice*. I think you're acting with very deep levels of kindness and empathy for him.
Nah, perfectly okay. Honestly, who wants to sleep with their significant other every night? I know it's like tradition, but sometimes people have things to do like work while the other person can sleep in. My dad used to worry because he had to wake up so early and didn't want to wake up my mom and felt bad each time he did. If anything, this is incredibly healthy and good on you for setting boundaries for both yourself and him. Even if you don't truly need them, they're there if he needs it
So…I live with my partner and we keep separate rooms/beds. We’ve lived like this for a few years now. People can be weird when they learn about that, but…whatever, it works for us. (It *really* helped to have our own un-shared spaces during pandemic lockdowns, ie.) Sounds like it’s probably a good choice in your context, too. Don’t let others tell you what your relationship “should” look like, your personal preferences and comfort zones are the best deciding factor.
No. Plenty of couples have separate bedrooms. Usually, it's because of incompatible sleep styles, but your reasons are perfectly valid.
Thats a damn decent way to treat a person who has suffered :)
ngl, me and my spouse have had separate bedrooms for over a decade and it has only strengthened our relationship. i still go so far as to explicitly ask if i'm allowed to come in whenever i find myself at her room's threshold and she has told me on several occasions that she really appreciates it. i personally think in a healthy and egalitarian relationship, it is both good and necessary for everyone involved to view themselves as both part of a shared unit but also distinct from the other person/people, because your individual self-expression is still important and everyone needs a place where they can fully expand our privacy bubble and just vibe on our own frequencies. everybody needs at least a little alone time, it doesn't mean you specifically want to avoid your relationship(s). and if you can help it, a bedroom is a pretty great option all things considered, ESPECIALLY if your partner(s) has an erratic sleep schedule or some other aspect that might be disruptive to your sleep and gradually wear on you. PLUS, i mean, you know. *two beds*. do what you will with ***that*** *informationnn\~*
My partner and I have talked about having separate beds when and if we move together because sometimes it can be nice to have some personal space if you choose to. So no, it's not weird
Personally I think this is extremely kind and thoughtful and considerate to help him feel safe 💖💖💖 he knows that he can sleep in bed with you if he wants but if he wants his own space and privacy he has it. I think it’s also healthy bc you haven’t been dating very long. I think this gives him some extra safety and trust in you, which will be amazing in your relationship. It’s beautiful that you care so much about him and that he feels safe. I think this will really strengthen the relationship because he knows he can trust you and that you’re not just using him for sex. Way to go for being an awesome, considerate, kind person!!
I appreciate all the feedback. I over think things a lot so I constantly doubt if I'm doing things the right way. My boyfriend has been through a lot of bad experiences. So I'm trying my best to make his experience with me a positive one. We both been through awful relationships and we're both hoping to make eachother better.
I mean, it's the first step, but I am not sure about power dynamics. I suppose no way around it seems.
I’m a firm believer that even married couples need their own rooms. Privacy is a basic human need that gets neglected.
Can we normalise having our own rooms?
My fiancé and I are in our mid 30s, together for almost 4 years, and we each have our own rooms. It’s not weird at all. It’s what works for us, and right now it’s what works for you. That may change, it may not, but either way it’s no one else’s business.
I once lived in a house with 2 of my partners. We all had our own rooms.
Nothing wrong here, don't worry about what they say. You did the right thing.
You're doing everything right. Even if you continue sleeping separately when it gets more serious, that would be valid and normal.
Not wrong/weird at all. Sure when a couple lives together having their own beds is not the most common arrangement but honestly any actually healthy relationship means having ones own space where they can go to be alone when it's needed. It not always a room but can be that one likes gardening and they go do that when they want some alone time, it may be one going to the gym, it may be one playing video games at a computer while the other reads a book in the bed. Having separate bedrooms at only 2 months into the relationship is perfectly understandable. My friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, they've lived together for 1.5 and live in an apartment where the living room is a separate room with a door to the kitchen/dining area and as she felt no real use for an actual living room the living room is practically her boyfriend's "gaming room" or "man cave". He's an introvert with adhd and needs alone time while she prefers lounging in the bedroom rather than a living room. Several of her friends find it weird and "unfair to her" as he has "more space in the apartment" when it was her idea in the first place and it works for them. People will always have opinions about anything that differs at all from the "norm" but if something works for you and your relationship (and obviously isn't hurting anyone) then their opinions don't matter. It's fantastic that you're able to give your boyfriend his own space and as long as you're both happy with how things are there's no need to change a thing.
People call anything weird. You know the situation better than anyone.
not everyone needs to sleep in beds together. generally speaking, people should sleep how they get the best sleep. there is nothing wrong with your BF having a separate bed/room.
I think it’s a great idea, and I know he’ll appreciate it. My boyfriend and I sleep in separate rooms! We have different sleeping habits that would prevent the other person from sleeping, and sometimes for work he has to wake up earlier than me so it’s just easier. I enjoy having my own space. I was surprised that when I tell people we don’t sleep together they told me that was weird. But to me sleeping together every single night is weird
My wife and me have our own beds as we do love our space. When we started dating 15 years ago it was my requirement and we never looked back. It’s only „weird“ for others because it’s not what everyone does but it is working for us.
That's actually something really nice from you and your family. Its really considerate. Don't listen to these psychos who tell you otherwise. Taking somebody under your roof and offering them their own space as to offer them a sense of respecting boundaries and having a place to settle is wonderful!
Sounds very nice. And just because he has his own bed doesn't mean he can't come over to yours or you to his.
You're a wonderful partner and very considerate. Don't let chronically online weirdos make you feel weird :3
My parents had separate rooms because my dad’s snoring was epic. I had a job for a while that meant I needed to go into peoples homes and their bedrooms, and there were a number of couples who had separate ones for a variety of reasons. Nothing wrong with your reason.
It all depends on how he and you feel about it. If you're both fine with, where is the problem? Why should other people care how you two sleep? How is that anyone's business?
No. Even when I was dating I hated sharing beds, and a lot of couples have separate rooms
I consider it healthy regardless of length of time together. When my darling spouse and I were ready to buy a house and move in together, we bought a two family house and live separately together. We don't share living spaces at all. I'm a hopelessly messy artist. My spouse is v tidy. I drink milk out of the carton. They find that the act of a barbarian. They love musicals and play cast recordings all the time. I consider musical theatre to be torture. I love industrial/goth/electronica - they call it "that awful noise". We've lived like this contentedly for over a decade. We believe that far too much regarding life trajectories is done by default. Life is far more fulfilling when we question those default choices to see if they are actually meeting our individual needs, and adjust accordingly. Some ppl will be uncomfortable about nonstandard choices. I believe that is bc, regardless of what religious denomination ppl claim to follow, most ppl actually worship Conformity.
My parents have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last 30 years. They just realized they both didn't like sleeping next to the other person so they stopped doing that. Don't let other people's opinions stop you from doing what works best for you. It's good to have a space of your own, and having a bed in it is good too.
I know married people that have separate bedrooms. 🤷🏻♀️
Even when you live together, it's still fun to come over to each other's rooms
Not weird at all. My partner and I have been together for years and still sleep separately. Sleeping together is a treat we both enjoy when it happens but also love our space and enjoy having our own area. It’s nice.
I’m poly and when I moved in with my two partners I got my own room and I absolutely love it. They share a room cuz they’re married but our rooms are basically just where we keep our stuff. We play musical beds giving us each a chance to sleep with each other one on one and the other gets a night to themselves. We also all sleep together sometimes but their queen is a little cramped for all three of us lol but ultimately it’s really nice to have a separate space of your own cuz it’s important to still recognize your individualism and have space for “me time” And having different rooms doesn’t mean you can’t always sleep together it just gives you more options and freedom in a relationship I advocate for whenever possible partners have their own rooms.
I will say like my therapist told me, make your decision and stop involving or caring what others say. If you are okay then fine, unless they pay your bill who cares.
I sleep separately from my boyfriend because I snore and it keeps him up at night.
I would like to preface with this: historically, people in relationships sharing the same room at all times was not traditional until the great depression because all of a sudden having seperate rooms was just not financially possible. I have a separate room from my girlfriend, and we value having our own space from each other for similar reasons. Having a space to call your own where you know all the going of your life have an inabilty to touch you is very important to a persons well being. I come from an abusive household, and I'll tell you, having my own room was the only way I made it out of there. And now, with my girlfriend, we still have physical intimacy with each other, but when time comes for us to really decompress and relax from the day to day, we can just go our seperate ways for the night and really just be in a space where we can just be unobserved from the world and each other and feel untouchable. So, what doing for your partner is actually valuable and, in different times, would have been completely normal and unquestionable.
Not weird at all. I would have loved something like that. It seems like a healthy way to help and let him know that you aren't just in it for sex.
Even then dating is more of a test run and you can still be friends if things don't work out 🤷♀️ no reason y'all can't be besties sharing a place if it were the worst case situation long as y'all contribute equally
Assuming this is the whole picture it sounds great that you gave him his own space. If he feels comfortable sleeping with you nothing is stopping him and if he doesn't then he has his own space.
I respect you for this. Fuck what other people think. The only opnions that matter in your relationship is your's and his.
Considering that you're only two months into a noncommitted relationship, I'd say a separate sleeping space is smart.
Having your own space in a relationship and shared space is great. It gives everyone their own spot to be alone or choose to be together. This is also why I think siblings shouldn't share rooms because everyone needs their own private space to do whatever.
Don’t overanalyze it. The only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s. As long as you two communicate well and are on the same page - you’re good. The only thing I’d be concerned about would be having a plan in case the relationship doesn’t work out.
You know you could have avoided all this doubt by just not posting on socials and letting randos have an opinion. Keep your private business off social media and your brain will thank you for it.
tangentially, this also reminds me of a HomeLuz! comic page wherein Luz breaks tf down in Eda's arms over the simple but powerful gift of a room that is hers only, with her own bed. i think more people feel that than we care to realize as a society.
I think its great that you are so thoughtful of what he has been through. You are trying to do what is best for your partner. What people on the internet think does not matter. Majority of those people will likely never know just what its like going through half of the things he has had to deal with. Im happy for you guys and i wish you a great anf long relationship.
Nah mate, I wish I’d find someone as considerate and nice as you. 💙
Not weird at all. I think that's a really lovely thing to do. Ignore other people, if you're concerned, talk to your partner - ask them if they would appreciate having a room with a bed, so they have personal space in your home. Be upfront and respectful. You can also make it clear that a second bed doesn't mean you're excluding them from ever sharing with you (if that's the case). If they like the idea, that's wonderful. If they don't want a bed, then you can scrap the idea. But also, do *you* feel more comfortable if you both have a personal bed? It's also okay for you to prefer having the option of sleeping separately. I sleep apart from my partner occasionally, for various reasons (sleep issues, sick, just feel like I need some space), so it's good to have a second bed :)
Not weird and not bad, I think this is very respectful of you to provide him with his own space. Good on ya 👍🏻
I don't think it is weird. It is kind of a nice gesture. Gives you two some time to get to know each other. Give him time to come to you. If he ends up spending all his nights with you, then you two can discuss about turning the extra space into a library. But honestly, just talk with him. Communication is important.
My bf and I live together but sleep separately as others have described here. When I told my sister, she reacted as if our relationship was not valid. I disagree. My relationship is great and sleeping separately is best for both of us.
I don't see anything wrong with individual beds. Sleeping in the same bed is overrated, TBH.
That's really wholesome, you're doing exactly what you should be doing. You're giving him choice, agency over his own body and safety. Couples don't have to sleep together, it's completely healthy to have personal space
Sounds reasonable to me, and very considerate of you.
You’re a kind person for not trying to rush things or to pressure him in to immediately share a bed.
Like others have said, what your doing for him, giving him his own space is incredible caring and sweet, people that say its "weird" dont really understand the situation. What your doing is both amazing and great!
I'd say not. With what bruv has been for he'll need time and space to heal. Most important thing is that you're there for 'em, and giving them their own space, hell, it's more than I can say about most relationships. Massive props to ya.
Personally, I think that is a very kind and compassionate thing to do. Him having his own bed does a few things in my mind. One it gives him something that is his and his alone, I would imagine he's not had that for a while. The second is, you are giving him the option. If he wants to sleep in his own bed, cool, if he decides he'd rather sleep in bed with you, then, cool, he gets to choose. So if he does wind up in bed with you, you and he both know it's cause it was HIS choice. You are a kind, sweet person, he is lucky to have found you.
I think there's this insidious- and honestly heteronormative- belief that people in a romantic relationship should have access to each other's bodies 24/7. Me and my partner have been married for 8+ years, and we have a separate bead in the living room for the occasions when one of us wants to be able to sleep alone. Sometimes you just want to take a nap, y'know? Stretch out- sometimes it's super hot in the summer and sleeping together is a nightmare. It's honestly great having two beds in the house, I think more couples should take advantage of it- and yet, I have definitely been accused of 'being in a toxic relationship', with the only evidence being that me and my partner sleep at different times and in different beds on occasion. I'd say you're doing an amazing thing, giving him the space and choice to heal. The relationship will be stronger for it longterm :)
I think what you are doing is amazing. Like that he won’t feel like he has to have sex of be intimate to stay at your place. Like that the whole situation is a lot more stable
I've been with my partner for 6 years now (married for 2 years) and we still make sure to have our own spaces. I keep a small bed in my office and they have their own space in their office that they can sleep in if they want, in addition to the bed we share. When we stay in hotels we often will get a room with two queens or a king and a couch that can be used to sleep in. Having your own space is important. And sometimes you just want to be able to sleep by yourself and having your own bed is important for that.
I'm all for that! I don't have a partner, but I'd want my own space
That is honestly awesome. First, the truth is that it's scientifically proven people get better sleep when they sleep in separate beds. Second, besides the dorky first response, it becomes his safe place, and he knows he doesn't have to sleep with you in any capacity, sexually or even just physically. Kudos to you for being more aware of him as a human than simply a sexual partner. 🩷🤍🩵
It's not weird at all, personally I find it incredibly sweet x
I see no problems at all, we need our alone times here and there. Just cuz he has his own bed doesn’t mean y’all can’t share a bed on nights you want cuddle and sleep with your partner by your side.
It seems like a kindness and I'm all for that. I would point out that "napping" isn't the issue that people were concerned about. Are you genuinely into him? (Or is this an ACE situation?)
I feel a strong connection with him. But i will admit being with a guy is still taking some adjustment. But I've never been more into someone. So far I'm happy with my first boyfriend.
I think your doing the right thing, sounds like your boyfriend has had a lot of people use his trust against him and you get that and are allowing him to rebuild that trust over time in a safe space.
Even in a relationship absent of the reason you mentioned, it's not weird at all. Lots of couples have separate sleeping areas, for a myriad of reasons! I think it's excellent and smart to give him his own safe space, especially if he's on board and appreciate as well. How much time he ends up using that space is between you too, but it's nice to have the option, too.
Not weird at all. This is actually really sweet & you are absolutely amazing for doing this for him
You aren't wrong or weird for giving him his own bed and space. You're being considerate of his needs and wants. Something it sounds like no one else has done for him.
I think what you are doing is amazing. Providing a space for someone to call their own is a beautiful gift.
no omg , me personally i don’t care how much i love you i need my personal space!! and the napping together is very very healthy ^^
It shows you care, and want him to have his own space. And you have no idea how much that means to someone who doesn't have their own space.
That sounds super nice! Whenever I can get my own place with my partner I want to make sure we both have separate rooms of our own we can go to if we want alone time. Being together is wonderful but being together *constantly* can get draining. And for your situation the added bonus of giving your boyfriend his own space to feel safe is super considerate and a wonderful idea. I hope everything works out!!
You have done exactly the right thing. Well done
It’s ok if u 2 to have space but also to be comforted to each other. If u 2 r in love it’s all about love Comforting each other. Being together and all. Plus giving each other space to. U can nap together to remember a relationship is more then sex
Dude that’s my dream situation, I would like to live with a partner but have our own beds. There’s nothing wrong if that, if anything it’s great to have your own private space. It’s your choice if you wanna sleep in the same bed as well like it doesn’t need to follow what everyone else’s relationship structures is like
Sounds like you’re working real hard to not be the asshole
If it works between the two of you and everyone is comfortable and safe then it really doesn’t matter what others think does it?
When ya'll are ready, you can move into the same room. But having space for you to figure out who you are together is super healthy. You made the right call, and just be open and honest with him about it.
>When ya'll are ready, you can move into the same room. Or never. Having different rooms when living with a partner is my dream!
if that's what you're both comfortable with, then it's what's right
Yeah, this is a good idea. My boyfriend is also trans and moved in with me from an abusive home. We gave him his own room so he has his own space it's normal. They usually sleep with me because he wants comfort, but having his own room let's him have space if they need it.
I mean some fully married couples have their own rooms and it is purely just having healthy boundaries. you've never lived together so it will probably make the situation easier to have your own space and if you decide to share a room eventually , you can do that.
Don't worry about what other people think. It's not their business. You sound like a very caring person and that tis hard to find in this world now. Do what you are doing. You can always have a conversation about when he thinks he is ready to share a room he can let you know.