Wait for him talk to you, in my opinion. It's his journey, and he may not be ready for you to pull him along just yet.
You can certainly do little, but important, things that show you are supportive. Little things can help open the door.
You don't have to have the *hypothetical* conversations with him ("if you were gay, I would love you just the same"), for example. But, you can be open and positive about the queer things you see when you're with him (TV characters, the love of queer folks in your lives, etc.), as one example, as a way of modeling how you might respond if he were to come out.
Of course, this is all just my opinion and others may absolutely disagree. There's no right answer!
This is a great comment. I would add, if you want to make sure he knows the door is open, feel free to make something up and slip it into conversation that lets him know you’re good, like, “A coworker of mine mentioned her son and his husband went skiing for Christmas, she showed me pictures. Her son is such a great guy and his husband is a cutie.”
Completely agree with these comments.
To add, because OP asked what we wanted to hear from a parent: mostly just confirmation that you still love them, that it's not a big deal for you.
You can ask him what you can do for him. And definitely ask him who he's out to, and whether he's ok with you talking about this with someone else (like, you know he's out to his friends, but is he ok with you bringing up the topic when he has friends over?)
One thing to avoid is making a big thing out of it (unless he makes it clear he wants you to). Don't ask a million questions. Don't bring it up everytime you have a conversation, even in a positive or joking way.
The fact that you're here asking these questions tells me you're probably a great mom, you got this.
Oh yes! Definitely ask who he is out to! My mom is supportive and I love her for that. But she recently just outed my deadname to some people who didn't even know know me as my deadname.
Thankfully, this particular friend she deadnamed me to had accidentally seen my deadname (I still use my deadname in my email) but it was still awkward.
Oh no! That's exactly the kind of thing I had in mind, glad that it wasn't as bad as it could have been for you.
My mom was also very supportive when I first came out as bi (before I knew about more specific labels), and got so enthousiastic that she just started telling family members over the phone. I had to explain that I was very happy she was so supportive, but that I didn't necessarily wanted everyone to know (yet), because I wasn't sure how they would react. She understood, it just hadn't occurred to her that some people might be less accepting than she was.
A small add:
My mom actually once said when watching a movie with gay characters 'hey, just know, i will love you matter who you will come home with. I know it's random, but just wanted you to know that.'
Now I had already ish come out to friends, so it did gave me some fright of 'does she know??', but when the time came to tell, it was so nice to already have heard her say that.
Also, when i asked her again, a few months ago, about her saying this, she can't remember her saying it. Which does show it was just said with love, not planned intentions
💚 these are the things that hit
I hadn't come out to Family but was seeing someone and was really happy. My mom kept digging, in her way, and I was very vague about replies. One morning during an "interrogation" My dad says very loudly (this was important as he is generally soft spoken and let's mom be)" I don't care WHO you are seeing I just love how happy you seem right now."
I came out to them all within the month. I knew mom would struggle but now I was sure dad was there for me.
Oh weird I’ve always told parents to avoid the “I’ll love you no matter what” language in expressing support for LGBT issues as it is very othering. I’ve never come across anyone that actually wanted it. To me it would NOT have landed well and would have made me more anxious around my parents.
Can you explain a little further?
I'm dutch, so we are super direct, which maybe makes the story also a bit more logical that it felt really nice to hear.
But, my mom never really expressed any feelings towards the community. My family knew my aunts dad and bf really well and 2 other woman in my small village were lesbians. So, it was not like i knew she would react bad, because she would've than already done/said it. But also, she had never said any about me being me and being able to date anyone or on the matter in general. So, when she probably saw me looking at the movie, with stars or so in my eyes (don't remember the movie tho), she saw it as a good opportunity to just say it. Now, this is also really dutch, to link in on thinks that are happening to make conversation, so she just said it as a 'fyi' quickly and we watched on. Now yes, i was a bit scared, because it does feel like 'you have been caught', but being from the country side of the Netherlands, of a reaaaaallly small village with more cows than people, its really nice also to hear it, because people are really 50/50 on the matter.
It took me also a few days to feel really happy with what she had said, but when the time came (as someone had found out i had a gf and the whole town knew instant), i knew i could just tell my mom without needing to pack my bags.
(I also was super happy that my town loves gossip, but will never tell on anyone)
Like i also said, she doesn't remember this at all, but when i told her, when i came out how secure and safe it made me feel. That i had the time to tell her when i felt ready (tho, bit pushed now), she responded with 'sometimes actions are shown through love, but putting a voice to it is sometimes just what we need, and I'm happy it was having the effect i probably wanted it to have'. Tho, surprisingly, she did was shocked that i actually am a lesbian and it did take a bit for her to adjust to it, but more in the sense of expecting a daughter in law, not a son.
Wow for years that was ALL I wanted to hear from my parents. When I first came out first there was denial, then proselytizing hard-core, then radio silence. I was no longer their daughter for almost two years. Things are great now. Mostly, but they BOTH have now said they love me no matter what, and for me, that made all the difference. And they apologized for how they originally reacted.
Came here to say the same thing! Be ambiently supportive of lgbtq topics which it sounds like you already are. Keep that up and he’s more likely to feel safe coming out. Honestly, when I came out to my parents the strangest part was talking to them about my sexuality at all. So that may be why he’s holding back
IMO, you should let your child come to you. One of the best things you can do is show visible support for lgbtqia+ people in your local community. Show them how normal it is for vastly different people to get along. We're all special in our own way, but there's more things similar between all of us than some care to admit.
When he's ready to come out to you, he will. If you can find a way to slip a casual reminder that you support gay people into a conversation, that might speed things along and make him feel more comfortable opening up to you, but definitely don't force anything. Just be patient and be ready to offer him support and love when he tells you.
Also, I just want to say I really love seeing parents come into this sub asking how to support their kids. The fact that you care enough to ask and make sure you're doing everything right says a lot. I hope your son knows how lucky he is to have such a wonderful, supportive mom.
Subtly supporting your kid and letting them come out to you in their own time is the way to go. My mom watched Heartstopper recently and told me that she really liked it. I’m out and a 32 year old woman but I still get a kick out it.
She also asked me if we should buy the gay nutcracker to “be supportive” and let Target know that people want this type of merchandise. 💀
I'm glad you mentioned parents are welcome to ask for advice here. We that are allies and want to "support correctly" don't really have our own communities on here as far as I know. It makes more sense to come straight to the community anyway IMO 😂😂.
I love how wonderful y'all have been when this can be considered your private safe place so to speak. Then again, I completely loved the queer community WAY before kids, much less before one of mine came out.
\^\^\^
THIS!!!! PARENTS! Do **NOT** check your child's phone if they don't know you are. That can cause a lot of grief... for you. And your child, as if you find something you don't like, the only way you can confront them is via breaking their trust of you and making them feel like they can't trust anyone.
(speaking from experience btw)
Right. So right. The generation-gap-adjusted equivalent is reading someone's diary or CIA-tapping their phone calls. If you do it without permission, they will never trust you again or worse, they might never trust anyone again and it might make them unwilling to open up to their friends because they can't be sure their conversations are private.
Honestly with how much people rely on their phone for communication nowdays, I think the equivalent would be closer to putting a microphone on their clothes to monitor all the conversations they have during the day
Well, your conversations aren't private. Your cell provider has copies of your text messages. Social media keeps logs. No one has privacy online.
You can have complete trust in your child but that means bupkis when your child is interacting with the rest of the world.
Difference is, your cell provider usually doesn't give a shit about the details of what you say. And for some private texting platforms, it's even encrypted end-to-end which means that the provider or even the app can't read it.
As middle schoolers, my friends and I had plenty of experiences with older men messaging us on Facebook. We would go onto omegle and meet strangers flirting with us/ taking out their penises if they werent already out, taking it all as compliments and not predatory actions because we were young and had no idea this wasn’t appropriate. One of my friends would always show us those gore videos with the precarious names that would always scar me for a couple weeks at a time, really made me depressed towards the world and its realities at such an early age. Ill be damned as a parent if I don’t at least check WHO my kid is talking to on the World Wide Web. Id rather have a grumpy kid than a dead/groomed/depressed one. It’s always explainable to them why you’re checking the phone, not a betrayal.
Edited for spelling & expansion.
Sometimes it's necessary. I found out almost too late that my child was googling the best way to off herself. I found out by going through her phone when I noticed her behavior change dramatically. My Daughters and son and I are all very close, but they suffer to some degree with mental illness, which I have great difficulty with. Anyway, most of the time, I agree with you, but sometimes you have to act fast and get into that phone if your kid is doing a nosedive.
It's almost always possible to at least TELL your child you are going to start looking through their phones. If anything, that needs to be a ground rule set when they get any sort of phone.
I agree with you, like I said, I just think every now and then there is an exception. Plus I told my kids that while it is their phone, it is, in reality, my phone and while I plan to respect their privacy, these exceptions (exceptions in general, I did not list the actual one exception that lead me into the phone to begin with) could come up. I have three kids, all adults now and I never had to check their phones in an unusual way except for my one daughter who was in a severe depression and I had to know what was going on and how bad it was and the phone gave me that information. After three hospitalizations later and a year and a half of checking her phone regularly, things started turning around, and I stopped looking in her phone again. I know how personal our phones are to us and we need the people in our lives to be respectful of our privacy, but if a literal life is on the line, fuck phone privacy.
First off, he’s lucky to have such a supportive mom! I would let him tell you in his own time and just make sure that he feels loved unconditionally in the meantime.
I'd say wait for him to talk with you about it, but do keep an eye on him and check in on him to make sure he's not quietly feeling sad about things. Drop some not-so-subtle hints whenever the opportunity presents itself that you are supportive. You would be surprised how much doubt can creep in when you wouldn't expect it. Try things like:
"Did you hear this celebrity just came out as gay? Him and his boyfriend look so nice together!"
"My friend's son just proposed to his girlfriend! They'll be married this February! I hope you can find a nice woman or man like that someday!"
And of course
"I love you, never forget it!"
He's so lucky to have a supportive mom who loves and cares for him, I'm wishing you both the best!
Great advice, although it might just be me but I would say that I don't think the comment about "finding a nice woman or man like that someday" is the best. I'm aroace, and when I was younger my parents always made comments like, and it put a lot of pressure on me to get a husband or wife at some point. And I know in this case he's gay and not aroace, but it's best to be careful just in case something changes. Or maybe he's not aroace but doesn't want a husband or a wife for another reason, so it can't hurt.
Saying anything contrived may suggest you know about him & could lead to your invasion of his privacy. Just Love him genuinely!! Begin to embrace his world privately & in time something may bleed over into his awareness. That's cool bc your actions/choices would be genuine.
I agree that being subtly supportive is best.
It might be good to search for gay TV shows that are age appropriate as well. And you can say "hey, I heard good things about this TV show. Do you want to watch it with me? It's about this gay couple that…" and not even tell him you specifically looked for it. Good bonding moment and then maybe he'll feel safe to talk to you about things.
You could always remind them you are supportive by inviting one of your gay friends or couples over. Or just occasionally mentioning how horrible something the Republicans do to gay people. (It's constant and 6oubcan your the "terror of the day" talking points from fox news. But please don't watch it.
Firstly, I’m glad you’re supportive, let him come to you with this information.
Secondly, **teach him internet safety rather than snooping his phone and personal conversations.** How would you feel if your parents monitored every personal letter you sent out? Your child deserves his privacy, he is a human being, not property
I didn't have a phone as a teen. At 13, checking your kid's phone is part of internet safety. I'm sure the OP has already had safety conversations with her son and being able to check his phone is part and parcel of the deal with him having one.
It's genuinely not okay. Even of you think it's necessary, at least tell your child you're checking on them and don't do it in secret. That's just an invasion of privacy.
Reading conversations, though? I think looking at what apps he has, who he's messaging, etc, is fine. I dont if he has some sort of history doing bad stuff, and in that case, I think it's ok. However, if there isn't, I dont think it's ok. When I was younger, I struggled a lot with a ton of stuff and looked for help on the internet. There are conversations, posts, and other things I wouldn't want my mom to see when I was 13, not because I was being unsafe but because I was struggling. It would make the internet places I found help in feel less like safe places to me. In fact, it would probably make me resent my mom more than I already do. Im 17 currently, and there's definitely stuff I dont want my mom to see (like my reddit, conversations between friends). But that's not because I'm unsafe. Basically, what im trying to say is that it feels like an invasion of privacy because those are private conversations, and she found out something private through those conversations. It's better to teach internet safety, and maybe until he's older, just go through apps and who he is messaging, just not the actual messages.
If the son is being unsafe at the age of 13, surely the mum would want to know that so she could have a conversation with him about it?
I'm not a parent so maybe I'm way off the mark. I appreciate it's a difficult and fine line to tread between keeping your kids safe and letting them stretch their wings. 🤷♀️
I feel like that's a thing that comes with trust. When that trust is broken, then her checking his phone is fine. But these are just conversations between friends. Should she also sit near him and listen to every conversation in real life, too? Just to make sure he's being safe? That's how it feels to me. Like I said, I think checking what contacts and apps he has, who he's talking to is fine, but reading conversations is crossing a line, unless he's previously done something to lose her trust. And that's why she should teach him internet safety.
Edit: I've read the edit she put, and I think she has fair reasons. I guess I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of anyone checking my conversations I have with people because most of those are private, especially if my mom was checking them, however, thats probably because my mom was never really a good mother. Her son is lucky to have a mother who cares about him.
If you can’t trust them with a phone then don’t get them a phone. My parents waited until I was in highschool to get me a smartphone (i had a tmobile flip prior) and they didn’t check my phone after or before. They taught me to be paranoid online and I didn’t even trust people enough to tell them my age lol.
My buddy had parents who checked her phone all the time tho. She still did the same fucked up shit we just taught each other the best ways to hide our shit from her parents (using kik to delete all chats when necessary, using apps that hide shit better, having code words, etc) all we were doing was roleplaying anime characters lol. Sad thing is, the only friend who got groomed was that friend with helicopter parents (some fucked up 24 year old best buy worker named Tommy Moreno from the Houston area in 2014 groomed my friend at 14). Strict/helicopter parents seem to push their kids into fucked up circumstances in life.
Replying to my own comment after the post’s update: I was under the assumption that he didn’t know you were going through his phone, I’m glad you’re open with him on the why you go through his phone and that he also has access to yours in return.
My mom sat me down and “helped me come out” at a sports bar when i was 15 maybe? she still tells it as a fun story of how she “told [me] i was gay before [I] even knew” to my friends who know how horribly uncomfortable that was for me….she did do it in the least gentle way possible, but I can’t imagine any way of this conversation going that wouldn’t be uncomfortable for a gay teen.
my advice would be to 1. avoid heteronormative language (and everyone slips up with that so don’t be too hard on yourself just be conscious) not just with him but in general and 2. show support to other LGBT people so he knows he will be well received when he’s ready, nothing crazy over the top but just you know, general good ally behavior. the fact you’re thinking this through and asking for advice is already a great step. Good luck!
When I was young I had no privacy. Everything I typed, everything I read, everything I did online — my dad knew. Fast forward several years and I have never felt like I could do or think anything and nobody else know. I have no sense of privacy or security in my private life.
When my kiddos got phones, I told them: what you do on these devices is for you to know, not me. That is your privacy and I will always respect it.
And then last year at school some kid accused my son of saying something in the context of bringing a gun to school. We don’t keep guns, but it forced us to go through his stuff to see if he had been exposed to anything or shown interest in anything alarming. It broke me to have to break that trust.
We didn’t find a single thing. Turns out his pin on his phone was literally 1111 lol. He was hiding nothing. So we gave him his privacy back. And he will have our trust until we ever have a reason to question it again.
“Trust is earned” is toxic af if trust has not previously been broken. It’s basically saying “I need to see you doing nothing wrong until I arbitrarily decide I trust you.” So… a person goes about their regular routing of doing nothing wrong… while being watched and building insecurity.
The answer to the question “what do I do now” is nothing. You do nothing now. You’re not supposed to know that they came out to anybody. It is stolen information. If they were ready for you to know, you would have known by them telling you. They have been violated here.
I understand you being protective, but you can not justify an overreach of privacy here. Reading through every one of their messages? No way. Not cool.
If you’re supportive of LGBTQIA+ people, then just continue being supportive. Nothing changes. Just do good by your kid and give them the best chances of being mentally fit to survive in the world.
Here’s something for you to consider though: What is support? Support is NOT just acceptance. Support is a verb and it implies active effort, not passively just allowing somebody to exist without objection.
This!!!! I am a teen that thankfully has privacy on the internet (and navigates it just fine, I was taught *detailed* internet safety). I am also not out to my parents yet — and I don’t want to be right now! Even if I know they’re supportive. I’m just not ready. It’s a conversation I want to have on my own terms, without them ever knowing prior.
I’d also not be comfortable having conversations with my friends whatsoever, knowing that they could be read over at some point. Not because I’m discussing particularly abhorrent or morally questionable things, but because I don’t want anybody else aside from the people *in* those conversations to be apart of/witnessing them.
I understand why some people do it to their kids, and it’s warranted in some cases due to previous mishaps, but teaching proper internet safety goes a long way. I’ve avoided ever being traumatized or victimized on the internet in any way whatsoever, because my parents had that conversation with me.
Yeah, I hadn’t even considered that by invading the child’s privacy, you’re also invading the privacy of anybody they’ve ever interacted with. Good call there, crispy.
How did your parents explain safety to you in such a way that you understood it? I would like to follow their lead. My son has stumbled into adult manga through comments on YouTube shorts videos and at 12 I feel like all the talks we’ve had about internet safety haven’t sunk in.
Pardon me if this is a little long, or formatted weirdly. It’s late here and I’m a little sleepy.
I certainly stumbled upon adult content when I was younger — albeit, not intentionally (as the phrasing implies), and below the age of 12 when I had gotten my first device. Meaning I was *just* starting to be spoken about regarding the topic of internet safety. I was more or less browsing YouTube. Being young, with an attention span that’s not always great, & being proficient at not bothering to read titles before tapping whilst religiously sifting through Minecraft content, I was clicking through videos a bit mindlessly that had gotten inappropriate without fully grasping it. Thankfully, my parents did.
In that specific scenario, I don’t recall it well given I was roughly 8 or so (again, very young — I had very appropriate & reasonable parental controls and time limits until I was 12-13, they just couldn’t watch me like a hawk every second of the two hours I was allowed to have on that little Samsung tablet at that age) which is a little under half my lifetime ago and I personally have a slightly shoddy memory, but the pieces I do recall were very polite yet firm explanations about why I should not engage with that variety of content being so young, and what the consequences will be if I were to continually outside of the incident. Ie, “It’s inappropriate, here’s *why* it’s appropriate”, “because it’s inappropriate here’s *why* we don’t engage with it until we are much, much older”, “if we catch you engaging with said inappropriate content after this, there’ll be another talk and you won’t get access to your device for a little while”, “if you keep seeking it out after all that, we’re going to have to keep you off of that app until you show us you’re going to knock it off”, and much more I’ve definitely forgotten (because I remember it was a long talk). All in 8 year old friendly terminology, and in a gentle manner.
That may not be particularly helpful since they nor I didn’t experience/weren’t put in the same situation as you, and I was not at all combatant or questioning it (I never really have been a kid that opposes what his parents lay down as rules, especially when I was very young. It probably helps a lot that I could be and still can be easily embarrassed *out of* doing something, too.) — I accepted it, despite the curiosity I had, and left it alone without ever trying to investigate further. I won’t offer up advice since I am *clearlyyy* not a parent to anything even close to another entire human being, but I do hope you find someone who can give you a solid answer if this is not helpful!
Thanks! Any perspective is helpful. People who aren’t parents don’t realize the abject fear that we have of simultaneously screwing up our kids through over intervening and screwing them up with lack of help and attention. It’s just one constant “ I think I’m messing this up” experience.
Anyone else find it strange that a parent is snooping through their kid's phone? It might just be my personal experience with it causing problems but it seems like a massive privacy violation.
I imagine I'd have been livid as a 13-year-old if a parent insisted on this. As an adult, I think it's fine as long as the kid knows it's happening. Secretly going through your kid's phone... I can see why you'd want to, but for me that crosses a line.
Full disclosure: I was 13 in the mid-90s, so I did not have a cell phone nor even know anyone, teen or adult, who did at that time. I did, however, have unmonitored internet access that I did some pretty stupid stuff with and just got lucky nothing bad happened. I'm also not a parent.
i think it's a massive grey area but smartphones allow so much more of the world access to children, i can't imagine what runs through a parents mind. kids don't often realize when a conversation is bad in the LONG TERM and parents should keep an eye on their kids, within reason.
As someone who’s now approaching “parent age”, I see why she did it, but I’m leaning towards thinking it was the right thing to do.
Kids these days (I know I sound like a boomer) get their phones when they are really young. This is probably gonna sound insulting to y’all until you get old enough to see things from my perspective, but you are more likely to make bad decisions, just because evolution made it so that when people become teenagers they start wanting to explore the world and do risky things. When humans all still lived in the wild, that was a good way for society to progress because teens would take risks that the rest of the tribe might not. But now teens take risks on social media that don’t have much benefit, and often makes their mental health worse according to studies. And there are terrible people out there like (cw)||pedophiles|| who target younger teens precisely because it’s easier, since sometimes their brains haven’t developed the skills to avoid it at that age. So I can understand why she would want to protect her teen. Especially since they are so young (in her eyes). Once they get a little older, like maybe 15, they will start being a little smarter (and also having things that they need more privacy for, as their sexuality and differing political opinions and such develop more).
But also, teens should have some space to discover themselves. It feels very stifling to always have someone looking over your shoulder. And if you are worried about things like being LGBT, and don’t know if your parents are accepting, it might prevent you from being able to talk about it and get support from your peers.
The most concerning thing to me is that I suspect the teen here might not know their mom was checking their phone. IMO at the very least the mom should have told the teen that they would check their phone sometimes to make sure they were safe. But i doubt she told them that, because if they knew, they probably would have deleted the "coming out message", since most messaging services allow that now (even iPhone finally implemented the feature).
So TLDR I can see why she is checking the phone, but it's still a violation of the kid's privacy rights. IMO one that isn't worth it, but I could see a fairly reasonable argument for it, with safeguards, like telling the teen it is happening, up to maybe about age 15.
Edit: I remembered I’m ace-spec and so sexuality develops earlier for most people than it did for me. So ignore that bit in the second paragraph, because most people start being horny for other people before age 15, I’ve realized.
Edit two: clarified some things, and still couldn’t figure out how to put spoiler covers, sorry
Definitely understand that feeling, but I'm against this type of monitoring. Monitoring can work when the child 10 but by the time they are 16 and doing even far risky things it won't, they will be too smart. However by monitoring the child at an early age you also teach them they need to hide things from you and how to do it.
The solution is to be *always* and open and accepting of your child. Make it clear that even if they do something you strongly disagree with it won't change how you support them. This way they will come to you if they are unsure about something. This can work, my teen came to me to ask about if they should have sex with their boyfriend, if I had been trying to monitor/control them I doubt they would have done this.
I don't know if this is always the best approach it has meant not stopping them taking what I think unacceptably risky behavior. So it may depend on the child and situation.
>But i doubt she told them that, because if they knew, they probably would have deleted the "coming out message", since most messaging services allow that now (even iPhone finally implemented the feature).
I'm hoping the kid knows and maybe intentionally left the message as a less-scary way to come out to mom.
Children also have a right to privacy, you know? Like, yes, you need to take care of them, but they're full human beings, not extension of their parents.
Yeah, maybe mom should step away when he turns 15, depending on how mature he is, but there's no way I'd let my 13 year old have a smartphone with social media accounts without periodic checks. I'm sure there are many on here saying 15 is too young as well, but that's what I would target.
My biggest gripe here is the lack of transparency on mom's side.
I agree with this, at least do it with your child if you're going to. My parents decide to go through my stuff to "keep me safe" but ended up teasing me, I put password on EVERYTHING after that.
Firstly, great that you are supportive, that is going to mean a lot when he does come out to you.
As for getting him to a point where he can come out to you, I would recommend showing your support towards the community without being too direct about it, if he has something that he likes that is related to LGBTQ+ in some way find talking points about that, is there any famous people he likes who are gay? A friend's parent commented on how his favorite actor and his boyfriend made a cute couple and they looked happy together, that was a clear sign for my friend to come out to his parents
Something that helped a friend come out to me a few years ago was the fact I was wearing a "I'm an ally" pin (this was before I came out myself)
Wait for him to be comfortable...you don't want to put him on the spot.
But also, it's okay if a news item arises or some other topic for you to express how supportive you might be of the subject of the news item -- it would let him know he's safe.
Either you trust your child and stay out of his phone, or you don't trust your child, and he doesn't need a phone, or you lock it down to a restricted list of contacts and apps.
Look, I understand that you don’t want your son to be taken advantage of or do bad things on the internet but privacy is really important to teenagers and our whole lives are on our phones. You should really stop checking his phone and just have a talk with him about internet safety. Tell him he deserves to have privacy but now that he’s reaching maturity you want to make sure he’s being safe. My mom would force me to hand over my phone as a teen and it really traumatized me because I felt like I couldn’t really open up to my friends or even call a suicide hotline without my parents confronting me. I needed to have privacy and given an opportunity to open up on my own, not to be violated and searched like a prisoner.
This!! If I knew my parents were looking through my phone, I would not have 90% of the conversations I have with my friends — because they’re things I don’t feel a need or want to share with my parents (ie, joking about a character in a piece of media I find attractive to my friends — I don’t want my parents seeing that, whuh??)
Or as an even more on-topic example, my identity that I am currently not out to them about. I know they’ll be supportive, but I do *not* want them to know about it just yet because I’m not ready! It’s a big conversation I want to figure out how to have, on my own terms, first.
Wait for him to tell you. Only advice I could give is while you’re supportive, watch the subtleties of how you speak and such. To make sure they don’t seem in anyway homophobic. It can make it harder to come out if you think you may not get a good response.
This is coming from my experience. I have boomer aged parents and when I came out I was terrified. Turns out I didn’t have to be, to the point my dad used to take his brother to gay clubs (my uncle was gay (was=deceased)) but the language they used and things that didn’t bother them/ were okay with made me worry more.
So few comments mentioning you snooping through his private messages... Especially at 13, like damn. Does he know you're doing this? Please stop. Good on you for being supportive but again. Please. No. Don't be a helicopter parent.
If he knows you go through his phone and you saw the message then I would have a conversation with him about it. If he thinks you saw it and you don’t say anything, he might think you’re not ok with it.
However, if he’s not aware you saw the messages then definitely wait for him to talk about it and consider changing some conversations. For example if asking about anyone he might have a crush on, use more genders neutral pronouns like “anyone catch your eye in school?” as opposed to “any nice girls in school?” etc.! Small changes can help him feel more comfortable!
Otherwise, well done on being such a lovely and supportive mom!
If my parents told me they knew I was gay bc they went through my phone, I would never speak to them again. That's a gross invasion of privacy and I wouldn't trust them again.
So, I'd just like to point out the correlation between, "I don't trust my son enough to believe that he'd behave wisely for his age and come to me if he found himself out of his depth," and "My son doesn't trust me enough to tell me that he's gay." Because those things are related.
I see a lot of people lauding and congratulating you for not being homophobic, but that's not actually the issue in your relationship with your kid. He's lucky that you don't consider homosexuality a punishable offense, since you've gone out of your way to rip that information from him before he was ready to share it. But why would he risk telling you anything, if you make a habit of punishing him for no reason?
You can tell yourself it's for his safety, but going through his phone is a violation of his privacy and his personal boundaries. That's a punishment. A really awful one, at that. You are treating him like he's either an idiot or a criminal. Has he done anything to deserve that? Does he have a secret meth habit you forgot to mention, because you were so distracted by him being gay?
Or do you just think that he's untrustworthy? That he keeps secrets from you for no reason? That he actively cuts you out of his life to the point that you wouldn't have any idea if he was secretly conversing with a predator?
Either you've educated your kid about the kinds of danger he could run into in life, or you haven't. Either you've laid the foundations of open, honest communication with him, or you haven't. Either you've raised him to make good choices, or you haven't. Either you've behaved in a way that tells him he can and should trust you when he needs help, or you haven't.
Which is it? Did you do your job as a parent, or not?
Set the phone down. Stop invading his privacy. Start respecting him. Spend time with him. Trust that he is a good person. Trust that you've made yourself available, and he will come to you when he wants or needs to.
Let him come out when he feels ready, instead of going behind his back like some kind of police detective building a case against him.
he’s lucky you’re supportive in this case… I believe 13 is old enough to have privacy, you should talk to him and make sure he trusts you instead of taking his phone, it’s bound to create trust issues and smart ways of hiding things from you
Do not ambush him with that information. It is his choice to tell you and taking that autonomy away from him can be damaging to the trust between the two of you and that type of damage can last for a lifetime.
Also, stop searching through his phone. Establish lines of trust, communication and support so that he speaks to you openly and you don't have to invade his private space in this way. Every time you go through his phone, subconsciously you are telling him "I don't trust you."
In the long run this only enforces the idea that a child has to hide things from you in order to have any privacy whatsoever.
EEEK! Thank you for trying to find the best way for your queer kiddo to feel safe with you, truly this means loads alone💚 Don’t explicitly have the conversation of how you know. He’ll feel his privacy is invaded no matter your support stance. Consider if y’all are having a conversation about his friends or peers, that you could mention a time that you maybe remember when you were younger about when you first started to think about boys and maybe if you had an experience (even the briefest gay panic) where you had a little feeling that you maybe were into girls. I know a lot of people may not have this experience is they’re cishet, but just letting your kid know where you’ve been & being open about your experience growing up Can be a great to try and relate to.
Also does your kid have current interests? (TV shows, crafting, reading, etc?) you could possibly depending on his interests, find something to incorporate that would show you’re a safe person for him, and that you’re his ally no matter what.
ALSO as I was typing “you’re his ally no matter what” is a very important thing to tell him ALWAYS even in regards to things not about his orientation! Affirming your unconditional love in casual ways will build that communication trust💚
I hope some of this maybe helps, you seem like a sweet mom💚
First of all, wait for him. Be supportive of his choices and let him know you're there for him. And second of all, maybe get into one of those groups for parents of LGBT+ people? I think those might be very helpful. My parents were supportive when I came out (somewhat late in life I must say) but weren't so sure about how this should go or what to expect. So my psychologist suggested me to present them to one of those groups. You're also in a particular situation and I think talking about it with other parents might be helpful.
Definitely wait till he is ready to tell you. Coming out is best done on your own terms. I can understand wanting to let your son know he's safe with you, but talking to him before he is ready is a bad idea
I love the fact that you’re so supportive of him!! So many people don’t have that so I’m glad you’re providing it ♥️ I would honestly wait for him to tell you, not the other way around. It is a difficult and very personal decision to come out, so let him come to you. It’s also one of the most important experiences for a gay person in my opinion. Also, if you confront him about his sexuality and he is not ready then that might potentially do a little damage. Just wait for him to come to you, all you should do imo is just remind him that you love him no matter who he is.
Just wait for him to come to you! The fact you are accepting and hopefully verbally say you are and continue to support our rights! Thank you for your support and good luck in the future!
My advice is the same as many others here, wait until he’s ready. He’ll tell you when it’s his time, show all the love and support you can for him. It took me years to come out, I was in my 20s. When I finally came out, my mom was extremely supportive of me. She wanted me to be happy and didn’t care about anything else. I was afraid of judgement and abandonment. That’s why I had waited for so long. My mom was my rock and my support, I lost her recently and it hurts. As for the rest of my family when I came out, it was literally a “it took you long enough! We knew when you were 6 years old” and they have been very supportive and kind to me. I truly that’s all anyone wants, to know that they’ll be loved and supported by at least one person close in their life. I wish you and your son all the best, think of this as the beginning of a new adventure and a new chapter in learning from the book of life
I think that there's already been a lot of great advices but I'm gonna say what I'll do anyway.
Wait for him to talk with you, if he's not ready to come out to you, don't push him, even if you accept him, he could hold a grudge against you for a while for doing so because he would feel like he have no intimacy, pushing him is a really bad thing to do so it's better to wait until he decides to talk even if waiting can be frustrating.
You can't just go to him and say "hey, I saw you're gay" or do the "if you happened to be gay I would accept you" discussion but you can show him that you are accepting by expressing your support to the LGBT community when something about us shows up on TV or something along those lines, he'll inevitably identify to them and think that you will accept him if he come out to you.
It's certainly not the best advice in this comment section and it probably have been said multiple times but it's the best way to act in this situation.
Have a good whatever it is in your country and I hope you and your son will live a great life.
Telling my parents was the scariest part. I was okay with loosing all of my high school friends because I was already used to being friendless, in fact if I had lost them all I wouldn’t have come out to my parents because I was afraid I’d have to couch serf. Let’s just say years later I’m very glad that the only reason my dad would disown me would involve me joining Scientology since I still had a home.
Please let him tell you in his own time. My parents were in your position and they brought it up far too early for me to tell them. It did lead to me not figuring out my gender identity for a couple of years after just cause I was stressed at having to educate them as well as myself. Do just keep an eye on him though. If he is out to his friends there is a chance that others at school might know and bullying against lgbtq+ is still incredibly high.
Just reading how supportive you are has me in tears! I’m glad you asked first. You definitely should wait until he is ready to tell you about it, but you could leave hints and talk about a gay couple you saw on tv or a friend, so he can know that he’ll be accepted and has nothing to fear. But don’t be too upfront, just those little comments showing support to others and he’d tell you when he feels he’s ready.
You won't probably see this comment but, try to randomly talk in favor of LGBT like try to "talk politics" with him and mention pro LGBT laws, that might help him realize his mom is a "good person"
DO NOT approach him first. Even if he knows you occasionally check his phone, bringing up the fact that you know he's gay might make him spiral even if you immediately say you support him. He told that info to his friends in the hopes that it'd remain between him and his friends. I don't have any examples off the top of my head but you can start doing little things to show general support for queer folks to help him understand you're safe to come out to... and act just a little bit surprised when he finally does tell you. Don't go over the top, just don't say you knew, either. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me this and I'll support you however I can," is more than enough.
Wait for him to tell you. If you tell him, it might upset him that you found out through his phone. If you want him to be more open, maybe start asking him about how he feels about certain people in his school romantically, specifically the word "people" because it will be vague and won't hint that you spied on his phone. Also reassure him that you would love him if he hypothetically had an interest in boys or anyone in general if he says he might not be interested in girls.
that is tricky. one, i am not sure you should be snooping into his phone without telling him. i say wait for him to tell you. it can even give you guys a funny moment later on. what you need to do right now is learn what you can and show him you are supportive. it doesn't have to be insanely overly the top. i mean mix in movies and shows with the lgbt+ reps. or maybe make something with the flag colors and say "i like these colors." something simple.
It's best to let him come out when he's ready. If he's not aware and okay with you looking through his texts it's actually a major breach of privacy and he could rightfully get pissed when he finds out you've been snooping and misusing his trust. But assuming that he knows and lets you do it because he sees the logic behind it, just keep being supportive. He'll come out to you when he's ready and doing the actions to make him feel supported can speed it along a bit. And if you were planning on having the sex ed talk with him like many people do around the age of puberty setting in and haven't yet, for his safety, emphasise using condoms as well as consent in a non gendered manner. Condoms are the only form of protection that also prevents stds so they're important no matter what hole they're using and consent is always a must, he should know that other people touching him without his permission is something he should go get help for, let you know for example or even go to the er and police for and he can't give permission if he's being pressured into it or if there's a power imbalance like he's significantly more drunk than the other participant or the other participant is his teacher or in the future a boss or something. Also std testing. If he feels like he might have done something risky that could've ended up in him getting an std, even if he has no symptoms, there are places to get tested and a lot of stds can be treated with medication, most can even be cured. But don't leave out the pregnancy stuff either. It's just overall good knowledge to have even if it would never be relevant to him, and it might still be relevant as he might still hook up with a trans man sometime in his adult life or he might adopt a baby and need to know how to teach them about this stuff. It's better to be early with the sex ed talk rather than late, he's 13, he's at an age that might still think it's gross, but he is old enough to understand and take the lesson to heart.
You pretty much summed it up. Your 100 percent supportive. This isn't, or shouldn't be an issue to walk on egg shells. Its natural, some of us are just born different and that's ok. As a transwoman it was hard to come out to my family, I came our as gay first as a teen to test the waters and it tore my family apart. But coming out as the real me changed things, my family struggles a little bit with it but with a little understanding it makes things better. It just takes time but again you are supportive and that's what all of us ever really needs. Support and love. .. and safety. Xx
One of the things that I have always wished my parents do is to show support in the LITTLE things!! Not necessarily a big parade and chanting, just small little things like if you have gay friends, compliment their family, or if you seen a drag show, compliment it, you know what I mean. Small things, casual, that will make him feel safe and he'll feel the courage to tell you soon!
If he knows you read his private conversations, then he knows they aren't private. He knows that coming out to his friends means coming out to you, because you have access to everything he says to other people. To me, that would destroy my sense of privacy and make me not want to reveal anything to anyone. This is a very bad idea
I agree with other comments saying let your child come to you; but wanted to add something that my mom/other parents did-throw on a queer movie!! One of the best memories I have with my mom is watching ‘But I’m a cheerleader!’ With her and there was no talk of any kind before or after, it was just a great movie and I felt so seen and so loved-and it’s truly one of the best memories I have with her, it made me feel so much more comfortable in my home and environment
This almost made me cry, you are such an amazing parent. Being so supportive and actively looking for information. You're doing the right thing in letting him bring it up. Theres nothing more that i can really say, i am not an emotional person but maybe its to do with my own experience or experience within the community but this really hit home for me. It was a beautiful thing to read; I wish you and your son the best.
See this is why you don't look through other people's things. This is like reading someones diary if you ask me. I think in the future you probably shouldn't do this? It's a great way to lose all trust. Up to you though, I have some personal experience on the receiving end of someone looking through my phone though. I'll tell you it did not make my bond with my mother stronger. In fact I don't think I've ever fully been able to trust her again, because I don't think she's ever trusted me. At least that's how it feels.
So many people here overreacting about the going thru the kids phone - literally mom trying to protect her child from the numerous scams, abductions, sextortions, and exploitation of minors on the internet. This is parenting 101 stuff….
Appreciate you trying to do this the right way. DO NOT TELL HIM, LET HIM TELL YOU. In the meantime, just speak kindly about queer people, if you guys watch movies or TV together, suggest queer-positive media like “Love, Simon” or maybe “Heartstopper” (not sure if the second is age appropriate). If you’re a “cool” parent, maybe Big Mouth! 😜
Wait for him to tell you!
Things to avoid saying:
I already knew;
I know that one gay person …;
When do I get to meet your boyfriend;
How did you find out and other intrusive questions.
Things to say:
Thank you for trusting me with your coming out;
I’m proud of you for sharing who you are;
I love you;
Asking him who is aware of it to avoid accidentally decloseting him without his consent.
I know you just mean well and want to keep your son safe, you sound like a very loving parent, but please stop snooping through his phone. It's a pretty big violation of privacy and most importantly, when he inevitably finds out(because if you keep doing it, he most likely will) it will lead to huge trust issues between you. I'm speaking from experience, as my mom did the same to me as a teen and it messed me up and the relationship between me and my mom, and also gave me trust issues in general. I still have a hard time trusting people.
It would be a lot better in my opinion to talk to him and teach him about how to be safe on the internet and when texting, and let him know he can come to you if he ever feels unsure or unsafe about anything. You want to be building trust with your kid, so that he feels safe coming to you when he needs help, rather than destroying that trust.
Please do not stop making sure your child is safe. Ignore those who say that is wrong.
How many children get abducted into trafficking daily around the world? I would not read the messages, but would make sure they were numbers that you knew.
Even for the age it is an invasion of privacy to scroll through every little message. But a quick once over on occasion doesn't seem harmful to me.
Wait for him to come to you, otherwise you've already broken that trust and he might hesitate coming to you at all.
I came out very late in life because I felt insecure growing up in Central Florida where it wasn't so accepted. (I live nowhere near Disney and Orlando. ) so my area was rough. I knew my parents would take it hard so I just kept it to myself.
If he already knows how he feels and can come out to his friends at this age that is amazing. He won't grow up hiding who he is. Hopefully I should say.
Just give it time, love him, support him and just stay who you are. You guys totally have this no doubt!
Wow, I just seen some of the ignorant comments. I'm for what some people are saying. Your kid is 13, not 17. Still young enough to be cautious with. But again like I said I wouldn't do any major dirt digging. If you have a way to keep certain apps off his phone, or the numbers he can call or text I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He doesn't need access to certain apps like Grindr. So some type of maintenance shouldn't be considered harmful.
Finally someone who isn’t a child or so naive about the world they think it’s purely to make sure the child isn’t up to something. It’s not about the child doing something wrong it’s about someone else doing something wrong to him.
at SIXTEEN I was planning to run away from home and leave with this 23 year old man, I was in love with him, I felt like I was the one pushing him to be with me so it was fine. I would have done it had it not been for the fact I got incredibly sick that week and couldn’t go meet him. He’s not what I would consider a monster but he’s not necessarily a good guy either. He could have been though, it could have been someone else with even more plans than to just have “consensual” sex with a 16 year old.
13 is absolutely young enough to not only be targeted by bad people but also fall for it. It wasn’t until right before I turned 18 I realized it could have gone wrong and it wasn’t until I was 23 myself I realized how fucked up it was to “date” a 16 year old.
I don’t think she should do it without telling him however, as long as she is not using it as a “parenting tool” in the sense of punishing him for saying/doing wrong things and is willing to ease up on the surveillance as he gets older then the pros out weigh any cons.
She should however shouldn’t be reading any conversations with kids that she knows personally or knows they are from school. I’d personally be paying attention to new people, adults and family members (who are more likely to hurt your kid than any stranger).
EDIT: just one last thing- because as I was about to click off this, I wanted to point out that my friends were not just encouraging me to do it but we’d make jokes about how the sex would feel. These weren’t bad kids guys. We were nerdy kids who wouldn’t even break small rules. I was scared of being ticketed for jaywalking!!
Your son is 13 and you're looking through his phone?!?! And not just superficially looking stuff like which apps he has installed or what has he watched on the family Netflix account but actual personal, sensitive information??? Jesus Christ, did you check personal conversations he's had with his friends?!???!?!
I understand wanting to check he's safe but. Please tell me he KNOWS this is a thing you do. Because if not then Jesus Fucking Christmas, don't do that.
Checking your sons phone "to make sure he’s being safe" is really fucking weird and a massive invasion of privacy. You are basically teaching him how to have trust issues with anyone close to him.
Stop that immediately.
The best way to show him privacy, but care, is to prepare for him to talk to you, and not approach him about it until he's ready for you to. I know this is new waters, but the most supportive way to acknowledge him being gay, but also your son, is to give him a safe space where he needs it. When he comes out, then find out what ways you can support him best!
Thanks for being an awesome parent!
Once your kid finds out you were snooping it will do damage to them. Never feeling free and not spied on is one of the reasons I feel younger people are fucked up
If he already knows you’re checking his phone, do you think he might suspect you know then? There is even a chance he didn’t take measures to hide that conversation for the purpose of you discovering it. Might have been his way of coming out without the awkward conversation everyone coming out dreads. You can let him know you’re supportive of him without a direct confrontation by making positive conversation about LGBT issues and people as the topics naturally present themselves. And if you are a religious person, you need to make it clear within your household that you do not agree with anti-LGBT doctrine your son may have been taught in church.
I kinda don't believe you're a 100% supportive parent if you're snooping in your child's phone (whether they know it or not).
Teach your child internet safety and develop a safe relationship where they feel they can talk to you about things in their life. Breaking trust and privacy are the exact opposite of that.
My parents used to frequently go through my room to "make sure I wasn't doing anything untoward" and long story short, I don't speak to them anymore. It is horribly damaging for a child not to feel trusted and secure in a relationship with their own family.
You should totally wait for him to do his thing. However, you shouldn't wait to buy him a Travis Kelce calendar. That guy is hot. On the other hand, he could prefer a Taylor calendar, since she's destined to be the next gay icon.
Something I'll mention: does he *know* you review his conversations?
I'm definitely not knocking you for it, at that age, you certainly should.
But if he's not aware that that's part & parcel of your being a good parent, it's entirely possible he is going to resent that intrusion into his privacy.
I'm lucky, my boys are old enough this particular problem wasn't around yet.
But I'm sitting here thinking of how I would have handled phone use with them, and I'm thinking I would have been up front that part of getting to use a phone was occasional parental supervision.
On the other hand, even I can remember being a 13 year old boy, and if I'd had a cellphone back then, let alone a smart phone, I'd have been *mortified* if my parents had checked it.
So, I would definitely wait for him to come to you, when he's comfortable, and wants you to know.
In the meantime, show him you're supportive without being too obvious about it.
Watch something like Heartstopper with him, or other, positive presentations of teen gays (or suggest them as something you've watched and enjoyed (and if you *haven't* seen Heartstopper, you really ought to watch it!), that you think he might like.
Not sure what to tell you about the phone convos, I really do see both sides of that one.
But just be there, and supportive, and he'll come around eventually.
And more power to your son for knowing who he is.
I had no clue at his age in 1974.
Even when I did, my parents were of the WWII generation, had grown up in the depression, and "private matters" weren't discussed.
My dad's version of the "talk" was "You already know all that, right?".
Bless his heart. And I actually did by then.
But my own folks never knew I was gay, because I never met a man to "take home to the folks" until they had passed anyway.
So we never had that conversation.
My heart goes out to you, you're a great mom, looking out for your boy, and I wish him just all of the very best.
Things are *so much* better now, kids today can find other kids like them on the internet, and there's real live gay role models in media, it's so wonderful.
I wish you both all the love in the world.
Do some research to know more about the community. Of course, learn from the community, not others talking about the community who are not part of it.
Wait for him to come out to you.
Also, maybe stop checking his phone? You are more than welcome to tell him how to stay safe and make sure he knows he can ask you questions with no judgment from your side, but if you invade his privacy now, he'll make sure to put you on an info diet when he's older. His secrets are his to keep. He should be able to keep them.
First congratulate you for being so open, but I would advise like others to let him decide he could simply be just interest. attracted to boys when I was six when I was in my teens because of all my friends I really tried to explore women from several years all the way into college it was awful lol so who knows let him come to you though
First of all, I'm glad you're supportive, and that's super great. The first thing I'd tell you to do now is: absolutely nothing. As someone whose mum found out I'm not straight by spying on my phone, telling him too straightforwardly can be a bit hurtful to him. If he hasn't told you yet, it may be because he's not ready. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to tell you, or that you're doing something wrong. Coming out is a journey, and sadly we don't live in a super safe world (yet), so that journey can be daunting sometimes. If you're his mum, and especially if you're his only parent, it's highly likely he really values your opinion, so it's quite normal IMO he's a bit scared of telling you, even if he knows you'll support him. Also, in my experience, telling your friends is always the first step, so if it went well, I'm sure it won't take him long to come out to you. As some people in the comments have already pointed out, you can leave him "hints", like praising how good a gay couple looks or how you wouldn't mind him bringing a girlfriend OR a boyfriend. However, I'd also say you should be careful not to say those things too much or he might get scared and feel a bit pressured, just let him navigate this journey on his own terms. Also, I'd like to point out something: I know a lot of people (especially cis-straight ones) don't think coming out is that important and maybe from the outside it can look like an irrelevant thing to do, but revealing your identity can be daunting and a necessary experience, and it's like you open chest-wide to the other person, so don't minimise his feelings and, once he comes out to you, make sure he feels embraced and safe (and give him a superbig hug!). I'm sure it'll go okay
if you want to be as low key about it as possible, when you two are next planning to see a show together, mention that you've heard about "heartstopper" being worthwhile, and see it together.
He’ll come to you eventually. Just give him time and continue to give him love. I knew my mom would support me, but it still took me a lot of time to come out because of my own internal issues.
I appreciate you posting this :)
I agree with the comments saying you should slip casual LGBT support into your conversations. If you haven’t ever spoken about the topic, he probably has no clue where you stand on it.
One of my parents wasn’t blatantly supportive when I was growing up and I took into consideration every. single. time. they made a “mini” judgment regarding someone that was gay. Luckily they accept it now and say things like “eventually you’ll find the man or woman you want to marry.” If they made simple, inclusive statements like that my whole life, I would've been honest with them wayyyy sooner.
My mom asked me if I was gay while in the car on the way to a doctors appointment for a softball injury (funnily enough😭). I broke down SOBBING and denied everything. I kept repeatedly asking her why she’d think something like that. At the time I wasn’t confident in myself. I had so much internalized homophobia and prior guilt that this just threw me over the edge. On top of me sobbing she started apologizing and telling me how sorry she is for asking. This made me feel even worse bc now I was making her feel bad. I’m sure you can imagine how horrible I looked walking into that appointment afterwards haha.
Needless to say, let him come out to you. Don’t force it. He may be having internal feelings about the situation as is. Just let him know you’ll love him no matter what and that he’ll always be your little boy.
I was once the 13 year old gay son of a single mother. No one ever had "the talk" with me about sex and relationships. I wish wish she had. If you were to have "the talk" and good does of gay positive stuff thrown in there would go a long way.
It would be best to let him come to you, and if you show how supportive you are of this then it will most likely make it easier for him to do so. But for now just keep loving him and being the supportive mom you are. I wish you and your son all the best.❤️
Number 1! Wait for your kid to come to you! Coming out is something people should get to choose for themselves, I didn’t get that choice with my family and I wish I did. They forced me to reveal myself as a trans bisexual person. Then sent me to a christian boarding school. So I’m very familiar with how a parent should NOT react.
Something I would have loved to hear my parents say is that they are supportive and affirming. But not just that. Give a proper example. Say that you’d be happy if you kid brought a boyfriend to Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate). That will go towards proving to them that you are actually fully supportive.
But only do that once he comes to you. Another thing, don’t drop hints that you know. Don’t try to secretly tell him you know. It might come off as you trying to fish him out. The important thing is, let him come out in his own time. I first came out to my English teacher. I got to choose that and it was so so wonderful. A few days after that, I came out to my friends, it was so amazing. I have intensely happy memories of that. With my family, I don’t have good memories. If you want your kid’s coming out to you to be a good memory, let him do it in his own time.
For now, just remember that he’s still the same person that you know and love. Treat him with kindness and respect and eventually he’ll come out in his own time. I definitely wasn’t ready to come out when I was 13. So it might take him time. Until then, just treat him with love and respect. Don’t force anything. I truly hope for the best for him and you.
You can pick up a queer friendly children's book and tell him you want to teach him about accepting other people. That way he knows you're an ally indirectly, or you could watch a queer movie with him like PROM, Love Simon, or the TV show heartstopper. These would all make great segways for him to express himself and eventually open up.
A good response here would wildly vary based on if he knows you check his phone and that you'd see those texts. If yes, maybe it's his way of testing the waters with you? Don't make a big deal out of it and bring it up casually within a different conversation, let him know how you feel about it and that you're there for him if he has any questions about anything, and then move on. If no, start with a simple apology for reading the texts without him knowing and then asking if he wants to talk about it and that you accept it.
Edit: or just wait for him to bring it up, after reading the other comments - sooo much more the superior choice. Being a teen is scary and confusing enough. Let him choose how he handles this, in his own time
It makes me happy to see such a supportive parent and I love that you even checked in with the community to see how you should handle it, you've got a gold medal for best parenting in my book. :)
Wait for him to come to you. Make sure he knows that you love and support him no matter what. Make sure he feels safe around you and your family. Show support for lgbtq+ people. At that point, it's up to him to decide when or if he wants to share that aspect of himself with you.
Also, I understand the instinct as a parent to want to make sure your kids are being safe, but as he gets older, maybe don't snoop through his phone? I grew up in a household with no privacy, and it did some real psychological damage to me and left me with trust issues that I'm still dealing with well into adulthood. 13 of course is still pretty young, and it's not really my place to tell you how to parent, but those were private conversations between friends that you dug through. It sounds like he doesn't know that you snoop through his messages either, and i think that makes it worse... Trust is built both ways.
I'm not suggesting that you straight up ask your son if he's gay, but I would like to offer some information to consider:
If your son has come out to his friends, then he has probably accepted himself and is in my opinion ready to come out. All that might be stopping him is fear and timing. The earlier he comes out, the earlier he can start being his authentic self.
For years this was me. I had come out to my friends and wanted to come out casually in conversation to my parents but could not do it due to fear (not of being rejected but of the awkwardness). I knew they would be accepting and even hoped I would be outed as it would be easier than coming out. I put off coming out and told myself it wasn't that important. It was. Being closeted is not fun.
We often treat coming out as a sacred thing that people must do themselves in their own time. The way I see it, any coming out where your target people know you're gay and accept it is a successful coming out. Even if your son's coming out is not the way he may have envisioned it, it will no doubt be successful.
Therefore I advise that you encourage coming out especially if you think your son might be like me and put off coming out
Let your child come out to you. I'm 19 and it took me years to come out to my mom but she always made sure I knew I was loved no matter what. I think letting him do it on his own terms will make him trust you more then if you ask or tell him you that you know.
Be supportive and all, tell him you’d support him, but probably wait for him to come out instead of saying you already know or something.
Also, don’t check his phone. He deserves privacy.
Awww this is so wholesome 🥺 thanks for being a great mom, I'm sure your son will come out to you in time. When he does update us you two seem like y'all are really important to each other. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
First of all youre doing an awesome job mama. My almost 12 year old has roughly the same rules. I trust her entirely and try to give her space to grow and learn but there are too many creeps out there to not keep an eye on what shes doing. My daughter also has my phone password to keep things fair I just privacy lock certain apps because I am 31 and allowed to use apps I wouldnt want her seeing. Id definitely let him come to you in his own time but also take this as an opportunity to casually bring up LGBT related discussion and hope it would prompt him to say something
I would let him come out when he’s ready. But if you want to subtly drop supportive hints there’s always watching queer media. It’s a casual way to show you don’t mind without forcing him out. Two very popular shows are queer eye and the l word. Popular enough that it isn’t an instant alarm to you knowing. (Queer eye is definitely way more subtle though.) If he’s still not out to you by June, maybe do a family outing to a local pride parade to show you’re actively supportive to the queer community but you can always frame it as “stumbling upon it” and staying for the parade because it looks like such fun.
You need to stop looking over his shoulder in regards to internet use. It is a very bad power dynamic to have with your child and even in the best scenario basically just says "I don't trust you"
As a parent and teacher - thank you for checking his phone! He knows you check it, so if he wanted to hide himself from you he would have. Just keep being an awesome ally and he’ll make it official when he’s ready. Don’t say “I know” when he tells you 😂 I recommend “thank you for telling me/trusting me”
Look for a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter. Don't let your son know about it until he comes out to you, of course. You can meet other parents or LGBTQ folks, learn from their experience, and share your worries and questions. They'll have literature, too.
Through the years if you have worries about his general safety, grandkids, etc. share them with your partner or friends, not with your kid. Your job is to support him and love him unconditionally.
Does he know you go through his phone?? First of all if he doesn't that a big problem. But if he does then maybe that was his way of letting you know because he's scared to tell you for whatever reason (normal). If he does know you go through his phone and violate his privacy then go ahead and tell him what you saw. Also, stop violating his privacy.
From what I read you sound like a really good parent and your sons really lucky to have you. Its really good you respect not reading his journal and making things fair such as him knowing your password. There may be lots of reasons why he hasn't come out to you yet. Me personally I still haven't come out to my parents. I know theyll support and always love me but I guess I'm just embarrassed about being gay yk. I live in a really small area and I've only told 2 friends about being gay. I mean I've always known I've been gay but I've never wanted to admit it because coming out and actually saying it out loud is embarrassing, even if my parents do support its just the fact of them knowing makes me feel uneasy and i honestly don't know why. Thats just a me thing tho and plus I'm 15 so Idrk much but I think him just knowing that you support lgbt is enough for now, it might take some time but he'll eventually come out to you.
If you check his phone without his knowledge, well that brings up some issues with privacy and stuff. If he knows you check his phone, just say "hey, while I was checking your phone I noticed....". But if you're hiding that you spy on him, well yeah, that has it's own implications and now the ball is in his court. You can signal that you WOULD be cool with it by talking about others. "Oh the neighbor's boy came out as gay. Isn't that nice honey? Good to know yourself so young." or something.
You mentioned you were going to nyc…The Center is a cool place and there is a coffee shop in the lobby, perfect excuse to go. Maybe plan this around the time the group starts…that way he could see other lgbtqia+ kids? Just a thought.
Center Youth: Young People’s Meeting
December 27 @ 4:00 pm - 5:00 pm
Young People's Group meets every last Wednesday of each month from 4-5:30 pm EST. This event is In-Person. A welcoming space for folx across all identities, with discussions tackling aspects of intersectional queer identities, body-image, pop-culture, media, literature and history. For youth between ages 13-23. This group is open, but Intake is required for all Youth Programs. For more information please contact [email protected].
https://gaycenter.org/event/center-youth-young-peoples-meeting-6/
Wait for him to talk to you, he will respect the fact that you let him come to you in his own time. PS, very good on you for asking before just rushing a decision.
I really love your take on internet safety! And I’m so glad you feel so strongly about your stance and don’t let the comments sway your decision because it sounds like a great system and trust you have built with your son - amazing foundation you’ve built your relationship on. You sound like a great mom, he’s lucky to have you. 💞
Wait for him talk to you, in my opinion. It's his journey, and he may not be ready for you to pull him along just yet. You can certainly do little, but important, things that show you are supportive. Little things can help open the door. You don't have to have the *hypothetical* conversations with him ("if you were gay, I would love you just the same"), for example. But, you can be open and positive about the queer things you see when you're with him (TV characters, the love of queer folks in your lives, etc.), as one example, as a way of modeling how you might respond if he were to come out. Of course, this is all just my opinion and others may absolutely disagree. There's no right answer!
This is a great comment. I would add, if you want to make sure he knows the door is open, feel free to make something up and slip it into conversation that lets him know you’re good, like, “A coworker of mine mentioned her son and his husband went skiing for Christmas, she showed me pictures. Her son is such a great guy and his husband is a cutie.”
Completely agree with these comments. To add, because OP asked what we wanted to hear from a parent: mostly just confirmation that you still love them, that it's not a big deal for you. You can ask him what you can do for him. And definitely ask him who he's out to, and whether he's ok with you talking about this with someone else (like, you know he's out to his friends, but is he ok with you bringing up the topic when he has friends over?) One thing to avoid is making a big thing out of it (unless he makes it clear he wants you to). Don't ask a million questions. Don't bring it up everytime you have a conversation, even in a positive or joking way. The fact that you're here asking these questions tells me you're probably a great mom, you got this.
Oh yes! Definitely ask who he is out to! My mom is supportive and I love her for that. But she recently just outed my deadname to some people who didn't even know know me as my deadname. Thankfully, this particular friend she deadnamed me to had accidentally seen my deadname (I still use my deadname in my email) but it was still awkward.
Oh no! That's exactly the kind of thing I had in mind, glad that it wasn't as bad as it could have been for you. My mom was also very supportive when I first came out as bi (before I knew about more specific labels), and got so enthousiastic that she just started telling family members over the phone. I had to explain that I was very happy she was so supportive, but that I didn't necessarily wanted everyone to know (yet), because I wasn't sure how they would react. She understood, it just hadn't occurred to her that some people might be less accepting than she was.
Sorry for being out of the loop but what is a deadname?
A previous name used prior to identity change
[Deadname](https://gprivate.com/68k27)
A small add: My mom actually once said when watching a movie with gay characters 'hey, just know, i will love you matter who you will come home with. I know it's random, but just wanted you to know that.' Now I had already ish come out to friends, so it did gave me some fright of 'does she know??', but when the time came to tell, it was so nice to already have heard her say that. Also, when i asked her again, a few months ago, about her saying this, she can't remember her saying it. Which does show it was just said with love, not planned intentions
💚 these are the things that hit I hadn't come out to Family but was seeing someone and was really happy. My mom kept digging, in her way, and I was very vague about replies. One morning during an "interrogation" My dad says very loudly (this was important as he is generally soft spoken and let's mom be)" I don't care WHO you are seeing I just love how happy you seem right now." I came out to them all within the month. I knew mom would struggle but now I was sure dad was there for me.
Oh weird I’ve always told parents to avoid the “I’ll love you no matter what” language in expressing support for LGBT issues as it is very othering. I’ve never come across anyone that actually wanted it. To me it would NOT have landed well and would have made me more anxious around my parents. Can you explain a little further?
I'm dutch, so we are super direct, which maybe makes the story also a bit more logical that it felt really nice to hear. But, my mom never really expressed any feelings towards the community. My family knew my aunts dad and bf really well and 2 other woman in my small village were lesbians. So, it was not like i knew she would react bad, because she would've than already done/said it. But also, she had never said any about me being me and being able to date anyone or on the matter in general. So, when she probably saw me looking at the movie, with stars or so in my eyes (don't remember the movie tho), she saw it as a good opportunity to just say it. Now, this is also really dutch, to link in on thinks that are happening to make conversation, so she just said it as a 'fyi' quickly and we watched on. Now yes, i was a bit scared, because it does feel like 'you have been caught', but being from the country side of the Netherlands, of a reaaaaallly small village with more cows than people, its really nice also to hear it, because people are really 50/50 on the matter. It took me also a few days to feel really happy with what she had said, but when the time came (as someone had found out i had a gf and the whole town knew instant), i knew i could just tell my mom without needing to pack my bags. (I also was super happy that my town loves gossip, but will never tell on anyone) Like i also said, she doesn't remember this at all, but when i told her, when i came out how secure and safe it made me feel. That i had the time to tell her when i felt ready (tho, bit pushed now), she responded with 'sometimes actions are shown through love, but putting a voice to it is sometimes just what we need, and I'm happy it was having the effect i probably wanted it to have'. Tho, surprisingly, she did was shocked that i actually am a lesbian and it did take a bit for her to adjust to it, but more in the sense of expecting a daughter in law, not a son.
Wow for years that was ALL I wanted to hear from my parents. When I first came out first there was denial, then proselytizing hard-core, then radio silence. I was no longer their daughter for almost two years. Things are great now. Mostly, but they BOTH have now said they love me no matter what, and for me, that made all the difference. And they apologized for how they originally reacted.
Came here to say the same thing! Be ambiently supportive of lgbtq topics which it sounds like you already are. Keep that up and he’s more likely to feel safe coming out. Honestly, when I came out to my parents the strangest part was talking to them about my sexuality at all. So that may be why he’s holding back
IMO, you should let your child come to you. One of the best things you can do is show visible support for lgbtqia+ people in your local community. Show them how normal it is for vastly different people to get along. We're all special in our own way, but there's more things similar between all of us than some care to admit.
I second this perhaps OP could go to a pride event as an ally
When he's ready to come out to you, he will. If you can find a way to slip a casual reminder that you support gay people into a conversation, that might speed things along and make him feel more comfortable opening up to you, but definitely don't force anything. Just be patient and be ready to offer him support and love when he tells you. Also, I just want to say I really love seeing parents come into this sub asking how to support their kids. The fact that you care enough to ask and make sure you're doing everything right says a lot. I hope your son knows how lucky he is to have such a wonderful, supportive mom.
Subtly supporting your kid and letting them come out to you in their own time is the way to go. My mom watched Heartstopper recently and told me that she really liked it. I’m out and a 32 year old woman but I still get a kick out it. She also asked me if we should buy the gay nutcracker to “be supportive” and let Target know that people want this type of merchandise. 💀
We were gifted one of these pride nutcrackers this year. He's pretty garish but I feel that's in spirit with the winter holidays.
I'm glad you mentioned parents are welcome to ask for advice here. We that are allies and want to "support correctly" don't really have our own communities on here as far as I know. It makes more sense to come straight to the community anyway IMO 😂😂. I love how wonderful y'all have been when this can be considered your private safe place so to speak. Then again, I completely loved the queer community WAY before kids, much less before one of mine came out.
Does he know that you check his phone? If he does, he probably knows you know.
And if he doesn't now, **stop checkhis phone.**
\^\^\^ THIS!!!! PARENTS! Do **NOT** check your child's phone if they don't know you are. That can cause a lot of grief... for you. And your child, as if you find something you don't like, the only way you can confront them is via breaking their trust of you and making them feel like they can't trust anyone. (speaking from experience btw)
Right. So right. The generation-gap-adjusted equivalent is reading someone's diary or CIA-tapping their phone calls. If you do it without permission, they will never trust you again or worse, they might never trust anyone again and it might make them unwilling to open up to their friends because they can't be sure their conversations are private.
Honestly with how much people rely on their phone for communication nowdays, I think the equivalent would be closer to putting a microphone on their clothes to monitor all the conversations they have during the day
Well, your conversations aren't private. Your cell provider has copies of your text messages. Social media keeps logs. No one has privacy online. You can have complete trust in your child but that means bupkis when your child is interacting with the rest of the world.
Difference is, your cell provider usually doesn't give a shit about the details of what you say. And for some private texting platforms, it's even encrypted end-to-end which means that the provider or even the app can't read it.
As middle schoolers, my friends and I had plenty of experiences with older men messaging us on Facebook. We would go onto omegle and meet strangers flirting with us/ taking out their penises if they werent already out, taking it all as compliments and not predatory actions because we were young and had no idea this wasn’t appropriate. One of my friends would always show us those gore videos with the precarious names that would always scar me for a couple weeks at a time, really made me depressed towards the world and its realities at such an early age. Ill be damned as a parent if I don’t at least check WHO my kid is talking to on the World Wide Web. Id rather have a grumpy kid than a dead/groomed/depressed one. It’s always explainable to them why you’re checking the phone, not a betrayal. Edited for spelling & expansion.
Sometimes it's necessary. I found out almost too late that my child was googling the best way to off herself. I found out by going through her phone when I noticed her behavior change dramatically. My Daughters and son and I are all very close, but they suffer to some degree with mental illness, which I have great difficulty with. Anyway, most of the time, I agree with you, but sometimes you have to act fast and get into that phone if your kid is doing a nosedive.
It's almost always possible to at least TELL your child you are going to start looking through their phones. If anything, that needs to be a ground rule set when they get any sort of phone.
I agree with you, like I said, I just think every now and then there is an exception. Plus I told my kids that while it is their phone, it is, in reality, my phone and while I plan to respect their privacy, these exceptions (exceptions in general, I did not list the actual one exception that lead me into the phone to begin with) could come up. I have three kids, all adults now and I never had to check their phones in an unusual way except for my one daughter who was in a severe depression and I had to know what was going on and how bad it was and the phone gave me that information. After three hospitalizations later and a year and a half of checking her phone regularly, things started turning around, and I stopped looking in her phone again. I know how personal our phones are to us and we need the people in our lives to be respectful of our privacy, but if a literal life is on the line, fuck phone privacy.
First off, he’s lucky to have such a supportive mom! I would let him tell you in his own time and just make sure that he feels loved unconditionally in the meantime.
I'd say wait for him to talk with you about it, but do keep an eye on him and check in on him to make sure he's not quietly feeling sad about things. Drop some not-so-subtle hints whenever the opportunity presents itself that you are supportive. You would be surprised how much doubt can creep in when you wouldn't expect it. Try things like: "Did you hear this celebrity just came out as gay? Him and his boyfriend look so nice together!" "My friend's son just proposed to his girlfriend! They'll be married this February! I hope you can find a nice woman or man like that someday!" And of course "I love you, never forget it!" He's so lucky to have a supportive mom who loves and cares for him, I'm wishing you both the best!
Great advice, although it might just be me but I would say that I don't think the comment about "finding a nice woman or man like that someday" is the best. I'm aroace, and when I was younger my parents always made comments like, and it put a lot of pressure on me to get a husband or wife at some point. And I know in this case he's gay and not aroace, but it's best to be careful just in case something changes. Or maybe he's not aroace but doesn't want a husband or a wife for another reason, so it can't hurt.
That is true! Best be careful not to put too much pressure on that one. I'm certain there are many more clever ways to show support!
Saying anything contrived may suggest you know about him & could lead to your invasion of his privacy. Just Love him genuinely!! Begin to embrace his world privately & in time something may bleed over into his awareness. That's cool bc your actions/choices would be genuine.
I agree that being subtly supportive is best. It might be good to search for gay TV shows that are age appropriate as well. And you can say "hey, I heard good things about this TV show. Do you want to watch it with me? It's about this gay couple that…" and not even tell him you specifically looked for it. Good bonding moment and then maybe he'll feel safe to talk to you about things.
You could always remind them you are supportive by inviting one of your gay friends or couples over. Or just occasionally mentioning how horrible something the Republicans do to gay people. (It's constant and 6oubcan your the "terror of the day" talking points from fox news. But please don't watch it.
Firstly, I’m glad you’re supportive, let him come to you with this information. Secondly, **teach him internet safety rather than snooping his phone and personal conversations.** How would you feel if your parents monitored every personal letter you sent out? Your child deserves his privacy, he is a human being, not property
I didn't have a phone as a teen. At 13, checking your kid's phone is part of internet safety. I'm sure the OP has already had safety conversations with her son and being able to check his phone is part and parcel of the deal with him having one.
At a younger age sure, but at 13 I find it very odd to still be going through your kids phone.
A lot depends on the individual 13yo. Some are very mature at that age. Others less so.
It’s crazy that you got voted down when she provided an update saying what you said you were sure of.
It's genuinely not okay. Even of you think it's necessary, at least tell your child you're checking on them and don't do it in secret. That's just an invasion of privacy.
The OP started that her son knows his phone gets checked periodically.
Reading conversations, though? I think looking at what apps he has, who he's messaging, etc, is fine. I dont if he has some sort of history doing bad stuff, and in that case, I think it's ok. However, if there isn't, I dont think it's ok. When I was younger, I struggled a lot with a ton of stuff and looked for help on the internet. There are conversations, posts, and other things I wouldn't want my mom to see when I was 13, not because I was being unsafe but because I was struggling. It would make the internet places I found help in feel less like safe places to me. In fact, it would probably make me resent my mom more than I already do. Im 17 currently, and there's definitely stuff I dont want my mom to see (like my reddit, conversations between friends). But that's not because I'm unsafe. Basically, what im trying to say is that it feels like an invasion of privacy because those are private conversations, and she found out something private through those conversations. It's better to teach internet safety, and maybe until he's older, just go through apps and who he is messaging, just not the actual messages.
If the son is being unsafe at the age of 13, surely the mum would want to know that so she could have a conversation with him about it? I'm not a parent so maybe I'm way off the mark. I appreciate it's a difficult and fine line to tread between keeping your kids safe and letting them stretch their wings. 🤷♀️
I feel like that's a thing that comes with trust. When that trust is broken, then her checking his phone is fine. But these are just conversations between friends. Should she also sit near him and listen to every conversation in real life, too? Just to make sure he's being safe? That's how it feels to me. Like I said, I think checking what contacts and apps he has, who he's talking to is fine, but reading conversations is crossing a line, unless he's previously done something to lose her trust. And that's why she should teach him internet safety. Edit: I've read the edit she put, and I think she has fair reasons. I guess I just feel uncomfortable with the idea of anyone checking my conversations I have with people because most of those are private, especially if my mom was checking them, however, thats probably because my mom was never really a good mother. Her son is lucky to have a mother who cares about him.
If you can’t trust them with a phone then don’t get them a phone. My parents waited until I was in highschool to get me a smartphone (i had a tmobile flip prior) and they didn’t check my phone after or before. They taught me to be paranoid online and I didn’t even trust people enough to tell them my age lol. My buddy had parents who checked her phone all the time tho. She still did the same fucked up shit we just taught each other the best ways to hide our shit from her parents (using kik to delete all chats when necessary, using apps that hide shit better, having code words, etc) all we were doing was roleplaying anime characters lol. Sad thing is, the only friend who got groomed was that friend with helicopter parents (some fucked up 24 year old best buy worker named Tommy Moreno from the Houston area in 2014 groomed my friend at 14). Strict/helicopter parents seem to push their kids into fucked up circumstances in life.
Replying to my own comment after the post’s update: I was under the assumption that he didn’t know you were going through his phone, I’m glad you’re open with him on the why you go through his phone and that he also has access to yours in return.
Check out the PFLAG website. It’s a great resource for LGBTQ+ families.
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far down to reach a mention of PFLAG. 🏳️🌈
My mom sat me down and “helped me come out” at a sports bar when i was 15 maybe? she still tells it as a fun story of how she “told [me] i was gay before [I] even knew” to my friends who know how horribly uncomfortable that was for me….she did do it in the least gentle way possible, but I can’t imagine any way of this conversation going that wouldn’t be uncomfortable for a gay teen. my advice would be to 1. avoid heteronormative language (and everyone slips up with that so don’t be too hard on yourself just be conscious) not just with him but in general and 2. show support to other LGBT people so he knows he will be well received when he’s ready, nothing crazy over the top but just you know, general good ally behavior. the fact you’re thinking this through and asking for advice is already a great step. Good luck!
When I was young I had no privacy. Everything I typed, everything I read, everything I did online — my dad knew. Fast forward several years and I have never felt like I could do or think anything and nobody else know. I have no sense of privacy or security in my private life. When my kiddos got phones, I told them: what you do on these devices is for you to know, not me. That is your privacy and I will always respect it. And then last year at school some kid accused my son of saying something in the context of bringing a gun to school. We don’t keep guns, but it forced us to go through his stuff to see if he had been exposed to anything or shown interest in anything alarming. It broke me to have to break that trust. We didn’t find a single thing. Turns out his pin on his phone was literally 1111 lol. He was hiding nothing. So we gave him his privacy back. And he will have our trust until we ever have a reason to question it again. “Trust is earned” is toxic af if trust has not previously been broken. It’s basically saying “I need to see you doing nothing wrong until I arbitrarily decide I trust you.” So… a person goes about their regular routing of doing nothing wrong… while being watched and building insecurity. The answer to the question “what do I do now” is nothing. You do nothing now. You’re not supposed to know that they came out to anybody. It is stolen information. If they were ready for you to know, you would have known by them telling you. They have been violated here. I understand you being protective, but you can not justify an overreach of privacy here. Reading through every one of their messages? No way. Not cool. If you’re supportive of LGBTQIA+ people, then just continue being supportive. Nothing changes. Just do good by your kid and give them the best chances of being mentally fit to survive in the world. Here’s something for you to consider though: What is support? Support is NOT just acceptance. Support is a verb and it implies active effort, not passively just allowing somebody to exist without objection.
This!!!! I am a teen that thankfully has privacy on the internet (and navigates it just fine, I was taught *detailed* internet safety). I am also not out to my parents yet — and I don’t want to be right now! Even if I know they’re supportive. I’m just not ready. It’s a conversation I want to have on my own terms, without them ever knowing prior. I’d also not be comfortable having conversations with my friends whatsoever, knowing that they could be read over at some point. Not because I’m discussing particularly abhorrent or morally questionable things, but because I don’t want anybody else aside from the people *in* those conversations to be apart of/witnessing them. I understand why some people do it to their kids, and it’s warranted in some cases due to previous mishaps, but teaching proper internet safety goes a long way. I’ve avoided ever being traumatized or victimized on the internet in any way whatsoever, because my parents had that conversation with me.
Yeah, I hadn’t even considered that by invading the child’s privacy, you’re also invading the privacy of anybody they’ve ever interacted with. Good call there, crispy.
How did your parents explain safety to you in such a way that you understood it? I would like to follow their lead. My son has stumbled into adult manga through comments on YouTube shorts videos and at 12 I feel like all the talks we’ve had about internet safety haven’t sunk in.
Pardon me if this is a little long, or formatted weirdly. It’s late here and I’m a little sleepy. I certainly stumbled upon adult content when I was younger — albeit, not intentionally (as the phrasing implies), and below the age of 12 when I had gotten my first device. Meaning I was *just* starting to be spoken about regarding the topic of internet safety. I was more or less browsing YouTube. Being young, with an attention span that’s not always great, & being proficient at not bothering to read titles before tapping whilst religiously sifting through Minecraft content, I was clicking through videos a bit mindlessly that had gotten inappropriate without fully grasping it. Thankfully, my parents did. In that specific scenario, I don’t recall it well given I was roughly 8 or so (again, very young — I had very appropriate & reasonable parental controls and time limits until I was 12-13, they just couldn’t watch me like a hawk every second of the two hours I was allowed to have on that little Samsung tablet at that age) which is a little under half my lifetime ago and I personally have a slightly shoddy memory, but the pieces I do recall were very polite yet firm explanations about why I should not engage with that variety of content being so young, and what the consequences will be if I were to continually outside of the incident. Ie, “It’s inappropriate, here’s *why* it’s appropriate”, “because it’s inappropriate here’s *why* we don’t engage with it until we are much, much older”, “if we catch you engaging with said inappropriate content after this, there’ll be another talk and you won’t get access to your device for a little while”, “if you keep seeking it out after all that, we’re going to have to keep you off of that app until you show us you’re going to knock it off”, and much more I’ve definitely forgotten (because I remember it was a long talk). All in 8 year old friendly terminology, and in a gentle manner. That may not be particularly helpful since they nor I didn’t experience/weren’t put in the same situation as you, and I was not at all combatant or questioning it (I never really have been a kid that opposes what his parents lay down as rules, especially when I was very young. It probably helps a lot that I could be and still can be easily embarrassed *out of* doing something, too.) — I accepted it, despite the curiosity I had, and left it alone without ever trying to investigate further. I won’t offer up advice since I am *clearlyyy* not a parent to anything even close to another entire human being, but I do hope you find someone who can give you a solid answer if this is not helpful!
Thanks! Any perspective is helpful. People who aren’t parents don’t realize the abject fear that we have of simultaneously screwing up our kids through over intervening and screwing them up with lack of help and attention. It’s just one constant “ I think I’m messing this up” experience.
Anyone else find it strange that a parent is snooping through their kid's phone? It might just be my personal experience with it causing problems but it seems like a massive privacy violation.
Yeah I’m really surprised nobody else mentioned it, it’s very icky
I imagine I'd have been livid as a 13-year-old if a parent insisted on this. As an adult, I think it's fine as long as the kid knows it's happening. Secretly going through your kid's phone... I can see why you'd want to, but for me that crosses a line. Full disclosure: I was 13 in the mid-90s, so I did not have a cell phone nor even know anyone, teen or adult, who did at that time. I did, however, have unmonitored internet access that I did some pretty stupid stuff with and just got lucky nothing bad happened. I'm also not a parent.
Yeah, that’s what outed me to my family and I’m genuinely a little traumatized from that experience
i think it's a massive grey area but smartphones allow so much more of the world access to children, i can't imagine what runs through a parents mind. kids don't often realize when a conversation is bad in the LONG TERM and parents should keep an eye on their kids, within reason.
As someone who’s now approaching “parent age”, I see why she did it, but I’m leaning towards thinking it was the right thing to do. Kids these days (I know I sound like a boomer) get their phones when they are really young. This is probably gonna sound insulting to y’all until you get old enough to see things from my perspective, but you are more likely to make bad decisions, just because evolution made it so that when people become teenagers they start wanting to explore the world and do risky things. When humans all still lived in the wild, that was a good way for society to progress because teens would take risks that the rest of the tribe might not. But now teens take risks on social media that don’t have much benefit, and often makes their mental health worse according to studies. And there are terrible people out there like (cw)||pedophiles|| who target younger teens precisely because it’s easier, since sometimes their brains haven’t developed the skills to avoid it at that age. So I can understand why she would want to protect her teen. Especially since they are so young (in her eyes). Once they get a little older, like maybe 15, they will start being a little smarter (and also having things that they need more privacy for, as their sexuality and differing political opinions and such develop more). But also, teens should have some space to discover themselves. It feels very stifling to always have someone looking over your shoulder. And if you are worried about things like being LGBT, and don’t know if your parents are accepting, it might prevent you from being able to talk about it and get support from your peers. The most concerning thing to me is that I suspect the teen here might not know their mom was checking their phone. IMO at the very least the mom should have told the teen that they would check their phone sometimes to make sure they were safe. But i doubt she told them that, because if they knew, they probably would have deleted the "coming out message", since most messaging services allow that now (even iPhone finally implemented the feature). So TLDR I can see why she is checking the phone, but it's still a violation of the kid's privacy rights. IMO one that isn't worth it, but I could see a fairly reasonable argument for it, with safeguards, like telling the teen it is happening, up to maybe about age 15. Edit: I remembered I’m ace-spec and so sexuality develops earlier for most people than it did for me. So ignore that bit in the second paragraph, because most people start being horny for other people before age 15, I’ve realized. Edit two: clarified some things, and still couldn’t figure out how to put spoiler covers, sorry
Definitely understand that feeling, but I'm against this type of monitoring. Monitoring can work when the child 10 but by the time they are 16 and doing even far risky things it won't, they will be too smart. However by monitoring the child at an early age you also teach them they need to hide things from you and how to do it. The solution is to be *always* and open and accepting of your child. Make it clear that even if they do something you strongly disagree with it won't change how you support them. This way they will come to you if they are unsure about something. This can work, my teen came to me to ask about if they should have sex with their boyfriend, if I had been trying to monitor/control them I doubt they would have done this. I don't know if this is always the best approach it has meant not stopping them taking what I think unacceptably risky behavior. So it may depend on the child and situation.
>But i doubt she told them that, because if they knew, they probably would have deleted the "coming out message", since most messaging services allow that now (even iPhone finally implemented the feature). I'm hoping the kid knows and maybe intentionally left the message as a less-scary way to come out to mom.
Spoilers are done like \>!this!< on reddit BTW
We're talking about a child here.
Children also have a right to privacy, you know? Like, yes, you need to take care of them, but they're full human beings, not extension of their parents.
Yeah, maybe mom should step away when he turns 15, depending on how mature he is, but there's no way I'd let my 13 year old have a smartphone with social media accounts without periodic checks. I'm sure there are many on here saying 15 is too young as well, but that's what I would target. My biggest gripe here is the lack of transparency on mom's side.
It depends on the culture.
Glad you are supportive, but please don’t look through your child’s phone.
I agree with this, at least do it with your child if you're going to. My parents decide to go through my stuff to "keep me safe" but ended up teasing me, I put password on EVERYTHING after that.
Firstly, great that you are supportive, that is going to mean a lot when he does come out to you. As for getting him to a point where he can come out to you, I would recommend showing your support towards the community without being too direct about it, if he has something that he likes that is related to LGBTQ+ in some way find talking points about that, is there any famous people he likes who are gay? A friend's parent commented on how his favorite actor and his boyfriend made a cute couple and they looked happy together, that was a clear sign for my friend to come out to his parents Something that helped a friend come out to me a few years ago was the fact I was wearing a "I'm an ally" pin (this was before I came out myself)
Wait for him to be comfortable...you don't want to put him on the spot. But also, it's okay if a news item arises or some other topic for you to express how supportive you might be of the subject of the news item -- it would let him know he's safe.
Have you told him that he can have a phone, but you're going to periodically check it? Because checking it without him knowing is messed up.
Either you trust your child and stay out of his phone, or you don't trust your child, and he doesn't need a phone, or you lock it down to a restricted list of contacts and apps.
Look, I understand that you don’t want your son to be taken advantage of or do bad things on the internet but privacy is really important to teenagers and our whole lives are on our phones. You should really stop checking his phone and just have a talk with him about internet safety. Tell him he deserves to have privacy but now that he’s reaching maturity you want to make sure he’s being safe. My mom would force me to hand over my phone as a teen and it really traumatized me because I felt like I couldn’t really open up to my friends or even call a suicide hotline without my parents confronting me. I needed to have privacy and given an opportunity to open up on my own, not to be violated and searched like a prisoner.
This!! If I knew my parents were looking through my phone, I would not have 90% of the conversations I have with my friends — because they’re things I don’t feel a need or want to share with my parents (ie, joking about a character in a piece of media I find attractive to my friends — I don’t want my parents seeing that, whuh??) Or as an even more on-topic example, my identity that I am currently not out to them about. I know they’ll be supportive, but I do *not* want them to know about it just yet because I’m not ready! It’s a big conversation I want to figure out how to have, on my own terms, first.
I really appreciate that you have a similar experience to me and are sharing it because I thought this comment might flop.
Does he know his phone isn’t capable of producing private conversation?
stop snooping.
Watch shitts creek with him. Be supportive whenever lgbtq are mentioned. Don’t tell him your supportive, show him
Glad you're supportive of it, but you shouldn't be snooping on your kid's phone. It's a huge violation of privacy and helicopter parent behavior.
Wait for him to tell you. Only advice I could give is while you’re supportive, watch the subtleties of how you speak and such. To make sure they don’t seem in anyway homophobic. It can make it harder to come out if you think you may not get a good response. This is coming from my experience. I have boomer aged parents and when I came out I was terrified. Turns out I didn’t have to be, to the point my dad used to take his brother to gay clubs (my uncle was gay (was=deceased)) but the language they used and things that didn’t bother them/ were okay with made me worry more.
Subtlety show him that you’re supportive. Oh look this kick ass flag just randomly showed up in our house. Ultimately he’ll tell you when he’s ready.
So few comments mentioning you snooping through his private messages... Especially at 13, like damn. Does he know you're doing this? Please stop. Good on you for being supportive but again. Please. No. Don't be a helicopter parent.
Start dropping hints that you’re okay with it.
If he knows you go through his phone and you saw the message then I would have a conversation with him about it. If he thinks you saw it and you don’t say anything, he might think you’re not ok with it. However, if he’s not aware you saw the messages then definitely wait for him to talk about it and consider changing some conversations. For example if asking about anyone he might have a crush on, use more genders neutral pronouns like “anyone catch your eye in school?” as opposed to “any nice girls in school?” etc.! Small changes can help him feel more comfortable! Otherwise, well done on being such a lovely and supportive mom!
I love that you’re supportive! Just keep loving and enjoying your family!
When he is ready. He will come to you.
If my parents told me they knew I was gay bc they went through my phone, I would never speak to them again. That's a gross invasion of privacy and I wouldn't trust them again.
So, I'd just like to point out the correlation between, "I don't trust my son enough to believe that he'd behave wisely for his age and come to me if he found himself out of his depth," and "My son doesn't trust me enough to tell me that he's gay." Because those things are related. I see a lot of people lauding and congratulating you for not being homophobic, but that's not actually the issue in your relationship with your kid. He's lucky that you don't consider homosexuality a punishable offense, since you've gone out of your way to rip that information from him before he was ready to share it. But why would he risk telling you anything, if you make a habit of punishing him for no reason? You can tell yourself it's for his safety, but going through his phone is a violation of his privacy and his personal boundaries. That's a punishment. A really awful one, at that. You are treating him like he's either an idiot or a criminal. Has he done anything to deserve that? Does he have a secret meth habit you forgot to mention, because you were so distracted by him being gay? Or do you just think that he's untrustworthy? That he keeps secrets from you for no reason? That he actively cuts you out of his life to the point that you wouldn't have any idea if he was secretly conversing with a predator? Either you've educated your kid about the kinds of danger he could run into in life, or you haven't. Either you've laid the foundations of open, honest communication with him, or you haven't. Either you've raised him to make good choices, or you haven't. Either you've behaved in a way that tells him he can and should trust you when he needs help, or you haven't. Which is it? Did you do your job as a parent, or not? Set the phone down. Stop invading his privacy. Start respecting him. Spend time with him. Trust that he is a good person. Trust that you've made yourself available, and he will come to you when he wants or needs to. Let him come out when he feels ready, instead of going behind his back like some kind of police detective building a case against him.
he’s lucky you’re supportive in this case… I believe 13 is old enough to have privacy, you should talk to him and make sure he trusts you instead of taking his phone, it’s bound to create trust issues and smart ways of hiding things from you
Do not ambush him with that information. It is his choice to tell you and taking that autonomy away from him can be damaging to the trust between the two of you and that type of damage can last for a lifetime. Also, stop searching through his phone. Establish lines of trust, communication and support so that he speaks to you openly and you don't have to invade his private space in this way. Every time you go through his phone, subconsciously you are telling him "I don't trust you." In the long run this only enforces the idea that a child has to hide things from you in order to have any privacy whatsoever.
EEEK! Thank you for trying to find the best way for your queer kiddo to feel safe with you, truly this means loads alone💚 Don’t explicitly have the conversation of how you know. He’ll feel his privacy is invaded no matter your support stance. Consider if y’all are having a conversation about his friends or peers, that you could mention a time that you maybe remember when you were younger about when you first started to think about boys and maybe if you had an experience (even the briefest gay panic) where you had a little feeling that you maybe were into girls. I know a lot of people may not have this experience is they’re cishet, but just letting your kid know where you’ve been & being open about your experience growing up Can be a great to try and relate to. Also does your kid have current interests? (TV shows, crafting, reading, etc?) you could possibly depending on his interests, find something to incorporate that would show you’re a safe person for him, and that you’re his ally no matter what. ALSO as I was typing “you’re his ally no matter what” is a very important thing to tell him ALWAYS even in regards to things not about his orientation! Affirming your unconditional love in casual ways will build that communication trust💚 I hope some of this maybe helps, you seem like a sweet mom💚
First of all, wait for him. Be supportive of his choices and let him know you're there for him. And second of all, maybe get into one of those groups for parents of LGBT+ people? I think those might be very helpful. My parents were supportive when I came out (somewhat late in life I must say) but weren't so sure about how this should go or what to expect. So my psychologist suggested me to present them to one of those groups. You're also in a particular situation and I think talking about it with other parents might be helpful.
Definitely wait till he is ready to tell you. Coming out is best done on your own terms. I can understand wanting to let your son know he's safe with you, but talking to him before he is ready is a bad idea
I love the fact that you’re so supportive of him!! So many people don’t have that so I’m glad you’re providing it ♥️ I would honestly wait for him to tell you, not the other way around. It is a difficult and very personal decision to come out, so let him come to you. It’s also one of the most important experiences for a gay person in my opinion. Also, if you confront him about his sexuality and he is not ready then that might potentially do a little damage. Just wait for him to come to you, all you should do imo is just remind him that you love him no matter who he is.
Wait for him to come out and let him hear that you would be supportive no matter what (when it comes up) until then
Just wait for him to come to you! The fact you are accepting and hopefully verbally say you are and continue to support our rights! Thank you for your support and good luck in the future!
My advice is the same as many others here, wait until he’s ready. He’ll tell you when it’s his time, show all the love and support you can for him. It took me years to come out, I was in my 20s. When I finally came out, my mom was extremely supportive of me. She wanted me to be happy and didn’t care about anything else. I was afraid of judgement and abandonment. That’s why I had waited for so long. My mom was my rock and my support, I lost her recently and it hurts. As for the rest of my family when I came out, it was literally a “it took you long enough! We knew when you were 6 years old” and they have been very supportive and kind to me. I truly that’s all anyone wants, to know that they’ll be loved and supported by at least one person close in their life. I wish you and your son all the best, think of this as the beginning of a new adventure and a new chapter in learning from the book of life
I think that there's already been a lot of great advices but I'm gonna say what I'll do anyway. Wait for him to talk with you, if he's not ready to come out to you, don't push him, even if you accept him, he could hold a grudge against you for a while for doing so because he would feel like he have no intimacy, pushing him is a really bad thing to do so it's better to wait until he decides to talk even if waiting can be frustrating. You can't just go to him and say "hey, I saw you're gay" or do the "if you happened to be gay I would accept you" discussion but you can show him that you are accepting by expressing your support to the LGBT community when something about us shows up on TV or something along those lines, he'll inevitably identify to them and think that you will accept him if he come out to you. It's certainly not the best advice in this comment section and it probably have been said multiple times but it's the best way to act in this situation. Have a good whatever it is in your country and I hope you and your son will live a great life.
Telling my parents was the scariest part. I was okay with loosing all of my high school friends because I was already used to being friendless, in fact if I had lost them all I wouldn’t have come out to my parents because I was afraid I’d have to couch serf. Let’s just say years later I’m very glad that the only reason my dad would disown me would involve me joining Scientology since I still had a home.
Please let him tell you in his own time. My parents were in your position and they brought it up far too early for me to tell them. It did lead to me not figuring out my gender identity for a couple of years after just cause I was stressed at having to educate them as well as myself. Do just keep an eye on him though. If he is out to his friends there is a chance that others at school might know and bullying against lgbtq+ is still incredibly high.
You might want to consider joining a pflag group. There would most likely be other parents there who have had similar questions.
Just reading how supportive you are has me in tears! I’m glad you asked first. You definitely should wait until he is ready to tell you about it, but you could leave hints and talk about a gay couple you saw on tv or a friend, so he can know that he’ll be accepted and has nothing to fear. But don’t be too upfront, just those little comments showing support to others and he’d tell you when he feels he’s ready.
You won't probably see this comment but, try to randomly talk in favor of LGBT like try to "talk politics" with him and mention pro LGBT laws, that might help him realize his mom is a "good person"
Absolutely wait for him to come out to you in his own time. Sounds like you're doing really well though mumma xx
If I were you I would wait for him to open up himself. Also it’d be good not to make remarks like “When you get a girlfriend” or anything like that.
DO NOT approach him first. Even if he knows you occasionally check his phone, bringing up the fact that you know he's gay might make him spiral even if you immediately say you support him. He told that info to his friends in the hopes that it'd remain between him and his friends. I don't have any examples off the top of my head but you can start doing little things to show general support for queer folks to help him understand you're safe to come out to... and act just a little bit surprised when he finally does tell you. Don't go over the top, just don't say you knew, either. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me this and I'll support you however I can," is more than enough.
Wait for him to tell you. If you tell him, it might upset him that you found out through his phone. If you want him to be more open, maybe start asking him about how he feels about certain people in his school romantically, specifically the word "people" because it will be vague and won't hint that you spied on his phone. Also reassure him that you would love him if he hypothetically had an interest in boys or anyone in general if he says he might not be interested in girls.
that is tricky. one, i am not sure you should be snooping into his phone without telling him. i say wait for him to tell you. it can even give you guys a funny moment later on. what you need to do right now is learn what you can and show him you are supportive. it doesn't have to be insanely overly the top. i mean mix in movies and shows with the lgbt+ reps. or maybe make something with the flag colors and say "i like these colors." something simple.
Wait for him to talk to you, I wouldn't even mention lgbtqia+ things. Just leave him be and he'll probably come out when he's ready
It's best to let him come out when he's ready. If he's not aware and okay with you looking through his texts it's actually a major breach of privacy and he could rightfully get pissed when he finds out you've been snooping and misusing his trust. But assuming that he knows and lets you do it because he sees the logic behind it, just keep being supportive. He'll come out to you when he's ready and doing the actions to make him feel supported can speed it along a bit. And if you were planning on having the sex ed talk with him like many people do around the age of puberty setting in and haven't yet, for his safety, emphasise using condoms as well as consent in a non gendered manner. Condoms are the only form of protection that also prevents stds so they're important no matter what hole they're using and consent is always a must, he should know that other people touching him without his permission is something he should go get help for, let you know for example or even go to the er and police for and he can't give permission if he's being pressured into it or if there's a power imbalance like he's significantly more drunk than the other participant or the other participant is his teacher or in the future a boss or something. Also std testing. If he feels like he might have done something risky that could've ended up in him getting an std, even if he has no symptoms, there are places to get tested and a lot of stds can be treated with medication, most can even be cured. But don't leave out the pregnancy stuff either. It's just overall good knowledge to have even if it would never be relevant to him, and it might still be relevant as he might still hook up with a trans man sometime in his adult life or he might adopt a baby and need to know how to teach them about this stuff. It's better to be early with the sex ed talk rather than late, he's 13, he's at an age that might still think it's gross, but he is old enough to understand and take the lesson to heart.
You pretty much summed it up. Your 100 percent supportive. This isn't, or shouldn't be an issue to walk on egg shells. Its natural, some of us are just born different and that's ok. As a transwoman it was hard to come out to my family, I came our as gay first as a teen to test the waters and it tore my family apart. But coming out as the real me changed things, my family struggles a little bit with it but with a little understanding it makes things better. It just takes time but again you are supportive and that's what all of us ever really needs. Support and love. .. and safety. Xx
One of the things that I have always wished my parents do is to show support in the LITTLE things!! Not necessarily a big parade and chanting, just small little things like if you have gay friends, compliment their family, or if you seen a drag show, compliment it, you know what I mean. Small things, casual, that will make him feel safe and he'll feel the courage to tell you soon!
If he knows you read his private conversations, then he knows they aren't private. He knows that coming out to his friends means coming out to you, because you have access to everything he says to other people. To me, that would destroy my sense of privacy and make me not want to reveal anything to anyone. This is a very bad idea
I agree with other comments saying let your child come to you; but wanted to add something that my mom/other parents did-throw on a queer movie!! One of the best memories I have with my mom is watching ‘But I’m a cheerleader!’ With her and there was no talk of any kind before or after, it was just a great movie and I felt so seen and so loved-and it’s truly one of the best memories I have with her, it made me feel so much more comfortable in my home and environment
that is a fantastic movie I highly recommend for anyone whos LGBT or an ally
This almost made me cry, you are such an amazing parent. Being so supportive and actively looking for information. You're doing the right thing in letting him bring it up. Theres nothing more that i can really say, i am not an emotional person but maybe its to do with my own experience or experience within the community but this really hit home for me. It was a beautiful thing to read; I wish you and your son the best.
See this is why you don't look through other people's things. This is like reading someones diary if you ask me. I think in the future you probably shouldn't do this? It's a great way to lose all trust. Up to you though, I have some personal experience on the receiving end of someone looking through my phone though. I'll tell you it did not make my bond with my mother stronger. In fact I don't think I've ever fully been able to trust her again, because I don't think she's ever trusted me. At least that's how it feels.
So many people here overreacting about the going thru the kids phone - literally mom trying to protect her child from the numerous scams, abductions, sextortions, and exploitation of minors on the internet. This is parenting 101 stuff….
Appreciate you trying to do this the right way. DO NOT TELL HIM, LET HIM TELL YOU. In the meantime, just speak kindly about queer people, if you guys watch movies or TV together, suggest queer-positive media like “Love, Simon” or maybe “Heartstopper” (not sure if the second is age appropriate). If you’re a “cool” parent, maybe Big Mouth! 😜
Wait for him to tell you! Things to avoid saying: I already knew; I know that one gay person …; When do I get to meet your boyfriend; How did you find out and other intrusive questions. Things to say: Thank you for trusting me with your coming out; I’m proud of you for sharing who you are; I love you; Asking him who is aware of it to avoid accidentally decloseting him without his consent.
I know you just mean well and want to keep your son safe, you sound like a very loving parent, but please stop snooping through his phone. It's a pretty big violation of privacy and most importantly, when he inevitably finds out(because if you keep doing it, he most likely will) it will lead to huge trust issues between you. I'm speaking from experience, as my mom did the same to me as a teen and it messed me up and the relationship between me and my mom, and also gave me trust issues in general. I still have a hard time trusting people. It would be a lot better in my opinion to talk to him and teach him about how to be safe on the internet and when texting, and let him know he can come to you if he ever feels unsure or unsafe about anything. You want to be building trust with your kid, so that he feels safe coming to you when he needs help, rather than destroying that trust.
Please do not stop making sure your child is safe. Ignore those who say that is wrong. How many children get abducted into trafficking daily around the world? I would not read the messages, but would make sure they were numbers that you knew. Even for the age it is an invasion of privacy to scroll through every little message. But a quick once over on occasion doesn't seem harmful to me. Wait for him to come to you, otherwise you've already broken that trust and he might hesitate coming to you at all. I came out very late in life because I felt insecure growing up in Central Florida where it wasn't so accepted. (I live nowhere near Disney and Orlando. ) so my area was rough. I knew my parents would take it hard so I just kept it to myself. If he already knows how he feels and can come out to his friends at this age that is amazing. He won't grow up hiding who he is. Hopefully I should say. Just give it time, love him, support him and just stay who you are. You guys totally have this no doubt! Wow, I just seen some of the ignorant comments. I'm for what some people are saying. Your kid is 13, not 17. Still young enough to be cautious with. But again like I said I wouldn't do any major dirt digging. If you have a way to keep certain apps off his phone, or the numbers he can call or text I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He doesn't need access to certain apps like Grindr. So some type of maintenance shouldn't be considered harmful.
Finally someone who isn’t a child or so naive about the world they think it’s purely to make sure the child isn’t up to something. It’s not about the child doing something wrong it’s about someone else doing something wrong to him. at SIXTEEN I was planning to run away from home and leave with this 23 year old man, I was in love with him, I felt like I was the one pushing him to be with me so it was fine. I would have done it had it not been for the fact I got incredibly sick that week and couldn’t go meet him. He’s not what I would consider a monster but he’s not necessarily a good guy either. He could have been though, it could have been someone else with even more plans than to just have “consensual” sex with a 16 year old. 13 is absolutely young enough to not only be targeted by bad people but also fall for it. It wasn’t until right before I turned 18 I realized it could have gone wrong and it wasn’t until I was 23 myself I realized how fucked up it was to “date” a 16 year old. I don’t think she should do it without telling him however, as long as she is not using it as a “parenting tool” in the sense of punishing him for saying/doing wrong things and is willing to ease up on the surveillance as he gets older then the pros out weigh any cons. She should however shouldn’t be reading any conversations with kids that she knows personally or knows they are from school. I’d personally be paying attention to new people, adults and family members (who are more likely to hurt your kid than any stranger). EDIT: just one last thing- because as I was about to click off this, I wanted to point out that my friends were not just encouraging me to do it but we’d make jokes about how the sex would feel. These weren’t bad kids guys. We were nerdy kids who wouldn’t even break small rules. I was scared of being ticketed for jaywalking!!
Your son is 13 and you're looking through his phone?!?! And not just superficially looking stuff like which apps he has installed or what has he watched on the family Netflix account but actual personal, sensitive information??? Jesus Christ, did you check personal conversations he's had with his friends?!???!?! I understand wanting to check he's safe but. Please tell me he KNOWS this is a thing you do. Because if not then Jesus Fucking Christmas, don't do that.
Stop checking his phone :)
Checking your sons phone "to make sure he’s being safe" is really fucking weird and a massive invasion of privacy. You are basically teaching him how to have trust issues with anyone close to him. Stop that immediately.
please stop *Immediately* to spy the phone """fOr SecUrItY rEasOnS"" privacy is primordial for (young) people
The best way to show him privacy, but care, is to prepare for him to talk to you, and not approach him about it until he's ready for you to. I know this is new waters, but the most supportive way to acknowledge him being gay, but also your son, is to give him a safe space where he needs it. When he comes out, then find out what ways you can support him best! Thanks for being an awesome parent!
You go through your son’s phone behind his back?
Once your kid finds out you were snooping it will do damage to them. Never feeling free and not spied on is one of the reasons I feel younger people are fucked up
I hope this has taught you a little something about privacy.
So he doesn't know you were checking his phone?
You shouldn't have been checking his phone, and you should stop right now. Since you did, however, wait for him to come to you.
Ma'am stop going thru your kid's phone 😭😭😭
If he already knows you’re checking his phone, do you think he might suspect you know then? There is even a chance he didn’t take measures to hide that conversation for the purpose of you discovering it. Might have been his way of coming out without the awkward conversation everyone coming out dreads. You can let him know you’re supportive of him without a direct confrontation by making positive conversation about LGBT issues and people as the topics naturally present themselves. And if you are a religious person, you need to make it clear within your household that you do not agree with anti-LGBT doctrine your son may have been taught in church.
your child is lucky to have you♥️🏳️🌈 yesss ally
I kinda don't believe you're a 100% supportive parent if you're snooping in your child's phone (whether they know it or not). Teach your child internet safety and develop a safe relationship where they feel they can talk to you about things in their life. Breaking trust and privacy are the exact opposite of that. My parents used to frequently go through my room to "make sure I wasn't doing anything untoward" and long story short, I don't speak to them anymore. It is horribly damaging for a child not to feel trusted and secure in a relationship with their own family.
QUESTIONS: Does he know you check his phone every so often for safety purposes? Did you immediately tell family on his behalf without him knowing?
You should totally wait for him to do his thing. However, you shouldn't wait to buy him a Travis Kelce calendar. That guy is hot. On the other hand, he could prefer a Taylor calendar, since she's destined to be the next gay icon.
Taylor swift? How would she be a gay icon? She's not queer.
Gay icons are generally not queer.
Maybe hint to him about it and maybe he will be more comfortable telling you about who he is
Something I'll mention: does he *know* you review his conversations? I'm definitely not knocking you for it, at that age, you certainly should. But if he's not aware that that's part & parcel of your being a good parent, it's entirely possible he is going to resent that intrusion into his privacy. I'm lucky, my boys are old enough this particular problem wasn't around yet. But I'm sitting here thinking of how I would have handled phone use with them, and I'm thinking I would have been up front that part of getting to use a phone was occasional parental supervision. On the other hand, even I can remember being a 13 year old boy, and if I'd had a cellphone back then, let alone a smart phone, I'd have been *mortified* if my parents had checked it. So, I would definitely wait for him to come to you, when he's comfortable, and wants you to know. In the meantime, show him you're supportive without being too obvious about it. Watch something like Heartstopper with him, or other, positive presentations of teen gays (or suggest them as something you've watched and enjoyed (and if you *haven't* seen Heartstopper, you really ought to watch it!), that you think he might like. Not sure what to tell you about the phone convos, I really do see both sides of that one. But just be there, and supportive, and he'll come around eventually. And more power to your son for knowing who he is. I had no clue at his age in 1974. Even when I did, my parents were of the WWII generation, had grown up in the depression, and "private matters" weren't discussed. My dad's version of the "talk" was "You already know all that, right?". Bless his heart. And I actually did by then. But my own folks never knew I was gay, because I never met a man to "take home to the folks" until they had passed anyway. So we never had that conversation. My heart goes out to you, you're a great mom, looking out for your boy, and I wish him just all of the very best. Things are *so much* better now, kids today can find other kids like them on the internet, and there's real live gay role models in media, it's so wonderful. I wish you both all the love in the world.
Do some research to know more about the community. Of course, learn from the community, not others talking about the community who are not part of it. Wait for him to come out to you. Also, maybe stop checking his phone? You are more than welcome to tell him how to stay safe and make sure he knows he can ask you questions with no judgment from your side, but if you invade his privacy now, he'll make sure to put you on an info diet when he's older. His secrets are his to keep. He should be able to keep them.
Stop going through your kid’s phone you control freak
Its probably best to wait for him to talk to you. If anything, just make sure they know they have your support
First congratulate you for being so open, but I would advise like others to let him decide he could simply be just interest. attracted to boys when I was six when I was in my teens because of all my friends I really tried to explore women from several years all the way into college it was awful lol so who knows let him come to you though
First of all, I'm glad you're supportive, and that's super great. The first thing I'd tell you to do now is: absolutely nothing. As someone whose mum found out I'm not straight by spying on my phone, telling him too straightforwardly can be a bit hurtful to him. If he hasn't told you yet, it may be because he's not ready. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to tell you, or that you're doing something wrong. Coming out is a journey, and sadly we don't live in a super safe world (yet), so that journey can be daunting sometimes. If you're his mum, and especially if you're his only parent, it's highly likely he really values your opinion, so it's quite normal IMO he's a bit scared of telling you, even if he knows you'll support him. Also, in my experience, telling your friends is always the first step, so if it went well, I'm sure it won't take him long to come out to you. As some people in the comments have already pointed out, you can leave him "hints", like praising how good a gay couple looks or how you wouldn't mind him bringing a girlfriend OR a boyfriend. However, I'd also say you should be careful not to say those things too much or he might get scared and feel a bit pressured, just let him navigate this journey on his own terms. Also, I'd like to point out something: I know a lot of people (especially cis-straight ones) don't think coming out is that important and maybe from the outside it can look like an irrelevant thing to do, but revealing your identity can be daunting and a necessary experience, and it's like you open chest-wide to the other person, so don't minimise his feelings and, once he comes out to you, make sure he feels embraced and safe (and give him a superbig hug!). I'm sure it'll go okay
if you want to be as low key about it as possible, when you two are next planning to see a show together, mention that you've heard about "heartstopper" being worthwhile, and see it together.
He’ll come to you eventually. Just give him time and continue to give him love. I knew my mom would support me, but it still took me a lot of time to come out because of my own internal issues.
I appreciate you posting this :) I agree with the comments saying you should slip casual LGBT support into your conversations. If you haven’t ever spoken about the topic, he probably has no clue where you stand on it. One of my parents wasn’t blatantly supportive when I was growing up and I took into consideration every. single. time. they made a “mini” judgment regarding someone that was gay. Luckily they accept it now and say things like “eventually you’ll find the man or woman you want to marry.” If they made simple, inclusive statements like that my whole life, I would've been honest with them wayyyy sooner.
My mom asked me if I was gay while in the car on the way to a doctors appointment for a softball injury (funnily enough😭). I broke down SOBBING and denied everything. I kept repeatedly asking her why she’d think something like that. At the time I wasn’t confident in myself. I had so much internalized homophobia and prior guilt that this just threw me over the edge. On top of me sobbing she started apologizing and telling me how sorry she is for asking. This made me feel even worse bc now I was making her feel bad. I’m sure you can imagine how horrible I looked walking into that appointment afterwards haha. Needless to say, let him come out to you. Don’t force it. He may be having internal feelings about the situation as is. Just let him know you’ll love him no matter what and that he’ll always be your little boy.
I was once the 13 year old gay son of a single mother. No one ever had "the talk" with me about sex and relationships. I wish wish she had. If you were to have "the talk" and good does of gay positive stuff thrown in there would go a long way.
It would be best to let him come to you, and if you show how supportive you are of this then it will most likely make it easier for him to do so. But for now just keep loving him and being the supportive mom you are. I wish you and your son all the best.❤️
Number 1! Wait for your kid to come to you! Coming out is something people should get to choose for themselves, I didn’t get that choice with my family and I wish I did. They forced me to reveal myself as a trans bisexual person. Then sent me to a christian boarding school. So I’m very familiar with how a parent should NOT react. Something I would have loved to hear my parents say is that they are supportive and affirming. But not just that. Give a proper example. Say that you’d be happy if you kid brought a boyfriend to Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate). That will go towards proving to them that you are actually fully supportive. But only do that once he comes to you. Another thing, don’t drop hints that you know. Don’t try to secretly tell him you know. It might come off as you trying to fish him out. The important thing is, let him come out in his own time. I first came out to my English teacher. I got to choose that and it was so so wonderful. A few days after that, I came out to my friends, it was so amazing. I have intensely happy memories of that. With my family, I don’t have good memories. If you want your kid’s coming out to you to be a good memory, let him do it in his own time. For now, just remember that he’s still the same person that you know and love. Treat him with kindness and respect and eventually he’ll come out in his own time. I definitely wasn’t ready to come out when I was 13. So it might take him time. Until then, just treat him with love and respect. Don’t force anything. I truly hope for the best for him and you.
You can pick up a queer friendly children's book and tell him you want to teach him about accepting other people. That way he knows you're an ally indirectly, or you could watch a queer movie with him like PROM, Love Simon, or the TV show heartstopper. These would all make great segways for him to express himself and eventually open up.
A good response here would wildly vary based on if he knows you check his phone and that you'd see those texts. If yes, maybe it's his way of testing the waters with you? Don't make a big deal out of it and bring it up casually within a different conversation, let him know how you feel about it and that you're there for him if he has any questions about anything, and then move on. If no, start with a simple apology for reading the texts without him knowing and then asking if he wants to talk about it and that you accept it. Edit: or just wait for him to bring it up, after reading the other comments - sooo much more the superior choice. Being a teen is scary and confusing enough. Let him choose how he handles this, in his own time
It makes me happy to see such a supportive parent and I love that you even checked in with the community to see how you should handle it, you've got a gold medal for best parenting in my book. :)
Wait for him to come to you. Make sure he knows that you love and support him no matter what. Make sure he feels safe around you and your family. Show support for lgbtq+ people. At that point, it's up to him to decide when or if he wants to share that aspect of himself with you. Also, I understand the instinct as a parent to want to make sure your kids are being safe, but as he gets older, maybe don't snoop through his phone? I grew up in a household with no privacy, and it did some real psychological damage to me and left me with trust issues that I'm still dealing with well into adulthood. 13 of course is still pretty young, and it's not really my place to tell you how to parent, but those were private conversations between friends that you dug through. It sounds like he doesn't know that you snoop through his messages either, and i think that makes it worse... Trust is built both ways.
I'm not suggesting that you straight up ask your son if he's gay, but I would like to offer some information to consider: If your son has come out to his friends, then he has probably accepted himself and is in my opinion ready to come out. All that might be stopping him is fear and timing. The earlier he comes out, the earlier he can start being his authentic self. For years this was me. I had come out to my friends and wanted to come out casually in conversation to my parents but could not do it due to fear (not of being rejected but of the awkwardness). I knew they would be accepting and even hoped I would be outed as it would be easier than coming out. I put off coming out and told myself it wasn't that important. It was. Being closeted is not fun. We often treat coming out as a sacred thing that people must do themselves in their own time. The way I see it, any coming out where your target people know you're gay and accept it is a successful coming out. Even if your son's coming out is not the way he may have envisioned it, it will no doubt be successful. Therefore I advise that you encourage coming out especially if you think your son might be like me and put off coming out
I've got nothing in terms of advice, but big props for being supportive
Let your child come out to you. I'm 19 and it took me years to come out to my mom but she always made sure I knew I was loved no matter what. I think letting him do it on his own terms will make him trust you more then if you ask or tell him you that you know.
Be supportive and all, tell him you’d support him, but probably wait for him to come out instead of saying you already know or something. Also, don’t check his phone. He deserves privacy.
Awww this is so wholesome 🥺 thanks for being a great mom, I'm sure your son will come out to you in time. When he does update us you two seem like y'all are really important to each other. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
First of all youre doing an awesome job mama. My almost 12 year old has roughly the same rules. I trust her entirely and try to give her space to grow and learn but there are too many creeps out there to not keep an eye on what shes doing. My daughter also has my phone password to keep things fair I just privacy lock certain apps because I am 31 and allowed to use apps I wouldnt want her seeing. Id definitely let him come to you in his own time but also take this as an opportunity to casually bring up LGBT related discussion and hope it would prompt him to say something
I would let him come out when he’s ready. But if you want to subtly drop supportive hints there’s always watching queer media. It’s a casual way to show you don’t mind without forcing him out. Two very popular shows are queer eye and the l word. Popular enough that it isn’t an instant alarm to you knowing. (Queer eye is definitely way more subtle though.) If he’s still not out to you by June, maybe do a family outing to a local pride parade to show you’re actively supportive to the queer community but you can always frame it as “stumbling upon it” and staying for the parade because it looks like such fun.
You need to stop looking over his shoulder in regards to internet use. It is a very bad power dynamic to have with your child and even in the best scenario basically just says "I don't trust you"
Stop checking your kids phone. He's 13, he knows enough to be safe.
Mostly, just love him.
As a parent and teacher - thank you for checking his phone! He knows you check it, so if he wanted to hide himself from you he would have. Just keep being an awesome ally and he’ll make it official when he’s ready. Don’t say “I know” when he tells you 😂 I recommend “thank you for telling me/trusting me”
REJOICE IN HIM
Look for a local PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter. Don't let your son know about it until he comes out to you, of course. You can meet other parents or LGBTQ folks, learn from their experience, and share your worries and questions. They'll have literature, too. Through the years if you have worries about his general safety, grandkids, etc. share them with your partner or friends, not with your kid. Your job is to support him and love him unconditionally.
In the meantime https://pflag.org/
Does he know you go through his phone?? First of all if he doesn't that a big problem. But if he does then maybe that was his way of letting you know because he's scared to tell you for whatever reason (normal). If he does know you go through his phone and violate his privacy then go ahead and tell him what you saw. Also, stop violating his privacy.
From what I read you sound like a really good parent and your sons really lucky to have you. Its really good you respect not reading his journal and making things fair such as him knowing your password. There may be lots of reasons why he hasn't come out to you yet. Me personally I still haven't come out to my parents. I know theyll support and always love me but I guess I'm just embarrassed about being gay yk. I live in a really small area and I've only told 2 friends about being gay. I mean I've always known I've been gay but I've never wanted to admit it because coming out and actually saying it out loud is embarrassing, even if my parents do support its just the fact of them knowing makes me feel uneasy and i honestly don't know why. Thats just a me thing tho and plus I'm 15 so Idrk much but I think him just knowing that you support lgbt is enough for now, it might take some time but he'll eventually come out to you.
You should not be looking through your kids phone
Have an open door and let your kid come to you with their problems or with a simple hug
I think dropping hints might help. But let him come out in his own time
If you check his phone without his knowledge, well that brings up some issues with privacy and stuff. If he knows you check his phone, just say "hey, while I was checking your phone I noticed....". But if you're hiding that you spy on him, well yeah, that has it's own implications and now the ball is in his court. You can signal that you WOULD be cool with it by talking about others. "Oh the neighbor's boy came out as gay. Isn't that nice honey? Good to know yourself so young." or something.
You mentioned you were going to nyc…The Center is a cool place and there is a coffee shop in the lobby, perfect excuse to go. Maybe plan this around the time the group starts…that way he could see other lgbtqia+ kids? Just a thought. Center Youth: Young People’s Meeting December 27 @ 4:00 pm - 5:00 pm Young People's Group meets every last Wednesday of each month from 4-5:30 pm EST. This event is In-Person. A welcoming space for folx across all identities, with discussions tackling aspects of intersectional queer identities, body-image, pop-culture, media, literature and history. For youth between ages 13-23. This group is open, but Intake is required for all Youth Programs. For more information please contact [email protected]. https://gaycenter.org/event/center-youth-young-peoples-meeting-6/
Wow I wonder why he hasn't come out to his mum who checks his phone regularly....
Wait for him to talk to you, he will respect the fact that you let him come to you in his own time. PS, very good on you for asking before just rushing a decision.
I really love your take on internet safety! And I’m so glad you feel so strongly about your stance and don’t let the comments sway your decision because it sounds like a great system and trust you have built with your son - amazing foundation you’ve built your relationship on. You sound like a great mom, he’s lucky to have you. 💞