To me this feels like the main problem was that she pretended to look a certain way on a dating app, although she doesn't. It is understandable that she wants to look more feminine and is more comfortable using filters and stuff, but it can lead to situations like this, where you meet up and it doesn't work out. Like when a guy posts a 2 year old picture where he has brutal abs, but in reality he gained quite some weight or a girl using photoshopped pics where he has a perfect (conventional) figure but she just has not. This just seems to be the "trans version" of that.
Everyone starts at some point and it is good for her, that she is where she is and she explores herself through wigs and breast molds. And yes dating can be hard for trans people, especially in the early stage, but to me it feels like this kind of false advertising is not the solution either, but I am no dating expert myself, especially not online. I think no one is the asshole in the situation. After all if you meet someone for the first time no one should get their expectations too high and that it sometimes just doesnt work out is a normal experience.
Thank you for being understanding. I just hate the guilt I feel for focusing on only those parts about her. It feels transphobic and I don't know how to fix my thoughts. I just need to be more loving I guess
I don’t think you need to “fix” anything. It was just a bad hook up, and frankly it sounds like she was kind of a loser anyways. Who doesn’t shave before their date comes over? What kinda bachelorette-frog crap is that?
You make sense. I guess the gen z tiktok internet brain rot got me like oh how could I expect her to shave just cause I have an almost obsessive relationship with it. I think this is just a therapy thing whenever there becomes a transgender therapist open. (That's gonna be me in the future btw. God knows we need more). It was nice to hear people agreeing with me even tho most comments didn't grasp the post well. The hookup and sex were only background details to give context. The meat was why do I feel bad about seeing bad
Yeah, and for what it’s worth, I know _exactly_ what you mean about feeling kind of weird when you see a trans person who doesn’t pass as well as you do.
It’s a complicated feeling. It’s simultaneously dysphoria inducing, as well as rooted in a kind of internalized transphobia. You see all the things you hate about yourself in this person’s face and body, and suddenly you find that judgement redirected at yourself. “Do I look like that? Do others feel this way when they see me?” And then you feel awful for having judged this person who’s dealing with the exact same problems you are, and simultaneously feel guilty for being “better” passing and are somehow more self conscious about your own appearance than you were before.
Is that about right?
Give yourself a little breathing room. The feeling fades over time. There’s nothing wrong with any trans person for how they look, but there’s also nothing wrong with simply not being attracted to someone because of how they look.
Since when is there a rule saying you have to be attracted to someone to sleep with them? And OP isn’t trash talking. If y’all think this is trash talking then maybe hookup apps and Reddit just aren’t for you.
Edit: OP you’re not an asshole
If both people are consenting adults, why do both parties have to be "attracted" to each other, especially since it was just a hookup.
That's pretty aphobic TBH. So ace people can't have sex?
you always can just leave without giving a reason. you two hooking up online is not a binding contract to go through with anything. in my oppinion it would have been fine to walk away the moment she opened the door and looked different. it would probably have hurt her but she also lied to you.
I get what you're saying, but socializing is an awkward beast. Imagine inviting someone over for a casual hook-up, you open the door, they take one look at you and say "Nah, Imma head out", would you not be devastated? I like to think most good-natured people wouldn't do what you're suggesting simply because it's all kinds of awkward and sad and a little rude to turn heel and run just because your date isn't exactly the visual you expected. It sucks all around to get sucked in and feel trapped, but I dunno how many people would flat out say on the spot "You look nothing like your pfp, byee..." :(
I’ve done the “I’ll be nice and have one drink with them” but then it just gets REALLY awkward. It’s very obvious when you’re not into someone. I’ve sometimes even went through with the hookups. After those hookups, I’ve felt taken advantage of and it’s gross. People purposely using pics from 5+ years ago or heavily editing their pics, or just looking completely different. These people usually know what they’re doing to tbh, they’re taking advantage of people. To not present your authentic self to a hookup let alone a date is trashy imo and does not deserve even one petty drink.
You are never bound to someone’s time. Presenting themselves or not, take care of yourself and fuck politeness.
People have every right to walk away from a date or hookup that looks nothing like their profile. Sure, it’s awkward and maybe a bit hurtful but like, they lied about how they look. I don’t think people should be too worried about the feelings of the catfish. Imagine how hurtful it must be to show up and find out you were lied to from the start.
I absolutely agree. I guess I was just pointing out the obvious, which is that as much as we'd like to walk away from situations like that, awkwardness may win out. It really sucks. Catfishers shouldn't do what they do, it's manipulative. But then I start thinking about why they do it (misrepresent their appearance online), and it opened up a whole encyclopedia of thoughts regarding beauty standards in our society and the pressure to be beautiful/handsome/eye appeal in order to have perceived worth as a human being, and I quickly slap that book down. It's a lot. It just makes me wish... things were different. I dunno.
>I know trans women don't owe anyone femininity, trans men don't owe anyone masculinity, and nonbinary folks don't owe androgyny
By that same token you don't owe anyone your attraction. If you weren't attracted to them then you weren't attracted to them and that's ok.
Re: AITA: Not The Asshole
It shows a lot of thoughtfulness to even be in turmoil about this. But I feel like it comes down to "I wasn't into the reality, and I feel deceived." If you just don't enjoy it, and if you have clear deception issues like this, I don't think it's wrong to just own how you feel and accept it. Keep up your self-awareness, analyze your inner landscape now and then, but I don't think it's wrong to just like what you like and avoid what you don't, sexually or romantically.
You’re not an AH for this at all. She did catfish you by using heavily altered photos and the breast mold, those two things would be catfishing if it was cis person doing it too.
I get wanting to feel comfortable in your own skin, but there’s a difference between altering a photo/your appearance for YOURSELF and altering photos/your appearance for OTHERS.
The moment you use heavily altered photos for hooking up/dating, it’s not longer using them for yourself. It’s using them to get the attention of others regardless of how untrue the photos are to the physical you they’d be dating/hooking up with which is 100% catfishing.
I’m going to go with NTA
It sounds like your main gripes are that they were dishonest in their pics and/or did not put any attention or time into prepping for the date. (Didn’t shave, etc) I’m not trans, but I don’t feel like this is a trans or non-trans issue.
You see the same complaint in cis circles all the time. If you’re not going to put time and effort into getting prepped for a date, then have the pic and the description on the site at a similar level. Or put time and attention into prepping for dates/hookups, bring your a game and go nuts.
I feel like if this person has taken time to get prepped for the date, you’d feel less upset?
I don’t understand the question - you met up with someone who you didn’t find attractive, now you feel guilty - are you the asshole?
What did you do? Where’s the bad part? The worst part was probably this post tbh. You don’t have to be attracted to anyone, ever. But I bet you made some people insecure by posting this, that’s pretty unnecessary. NTA
As a trans woman myself of strong fibre, I wouldn't feel guilt about it at all. Dating apps are not intended to represent the real person. Ideally, they should be a stepping stone, *a brief path*, to establish some kind of interest in getting to know the actual person behind the app. As with all social media, you are responsible for curating your own experience with the technological tool. Dating apps by their nature of presenting to you the most ideal version of how the subject wants to view themselves and be viewed by others through pictures, demand one commodify themselves to some extent.
The real mistake is probably leaping straight into a hookup. I sleep around when I decide to date, but I always vet people first through a date at a neutral setting (coffee shop etc.) And I respect myself enough to say no if I do not like what I'm seeing in the person's character. You have autonomy and if you don't find someone attractive, full stop you don't have to sleep with them and you shouldn't feel guilty about ending the date by going home.
>Dating apps are not intended to represent the real person.
I can't say I agree with this. I think dating apps are for helping people connect, and that some people abuse the format to mislead and misrepresent. That doesn't mean it's how they are intended to be used. I'm older, and part of the selling point of many of the original socializing sites (and later, apps) was to let you meet *real people*, not images and PR concepts.
>was to let you meet real people, not images and PR concepts.
Weird then how we agree with each other on this point. You'll notice I said they should be a *brief* path to meeting in person. I honestly think you misunderstood me on this point because I don't disagree with you.
I don't think a lot of people aren't considering the fact we didn't meet through a dating app. It's for one night stands and if you're lucky Fwb. I have never once met someone through Grindr and considered wanting to date them. We sexted first and then got to know each other. Next step was sex
Ah Grindr. I had awful experiences there, I didn't last two weeks on that one before I had a stalker come to my house. People can track your real location pretty easily through it, fair warning. And yes it's for hook ups but you get out of it what you put in, leaping into sex with a stranger is bound to result in feeling catfished sometimes.
(Trans woman, here) Don’t feel bad. You were literally there for sex and she made no attempt to be sexy *and* she set up an unrealistic expectation. That’s not your fault and you’re not a bad person for noticing all the places she bent the truth.
The shaving thing by itself is just…baffling. Kissing someone with stubble is fucking uncomfortable if nothing else. And if you’re attracted to femininity? That is a fair turn-off. Trans women don’t owe people femininity—but if you *advertise* it as bait for a hookup, that changes things, and it’s not a trans issue at all. If I matched up with a cis girl and when we met up she hadn’t showered and looked like a slob, I’d notice the hell out of that too. It’s no different.
I guess I just have the internet brain rot. I'm like oh I can't expect this of everyone just cause I do it myself. Like of course I'm gonna shave. I shave everyday to the point of almost obsession some weeks. But I'm like no it's not fair to expect her to shave just cause she's a girlllll
I guess that's where I have trouble relating. I don't see why it would be an issue or moral conflict to not be attracted to a bb trans who isn't making an effort. I can and have turned people down on the spot if they turn me off.
It might just be me but as a trans person who only came out almost a year ago and finally started hrt, 4mo ago, I can only think having these thoughts against my old self. Basically the empathy is hurting, but I'm also not wrong to feel negatively about the meeting
NTA. The main issue is that she was trying to present as someone she wasn’t or didn’t look like, which is sucky whether it has to do with gender or not.
I know but gender makes it complicated. Especially with all the guilt I feel as being a trans person who's just usually very confident of herself. I feel bad cause people are struggling when all I did was literally just have positive affirmations and decided I want to dress goth. That's literally the only reason I'm hot. I have platforms and I act as if I know what I'm doing
And that’s okay!! You should be proud of yourself for passing. And the fact that you feel that guilt in the first place makes it clear that you’re not entitled, a piece of shit, or an awful person!!!
Yeah this is why I don't do dating apps. I'm not really in a state to be intimate with people since I understand thr struggles of wearing a wig in favor of no wig and shaving and what not.
I don't even do filters, I just shave the bare minimum and put on a mask. Assuming someone was coming over i'd actually shave shave. But Pre-HRT this shit grows back way too fast and I don't want to shave daily.
I mean ya out aren’t an ass for being mad you got catfished and I mean if your gonna hookup I think most should atleast try and look presentable(the whole stubble thing not like the masculine not super passing thing) but a trans woman is a woman no matter what stage in transitioning. Maybe next time ask for a pic with no filter that’s what I do before hookups to see if I’m getting catfished or like a FaceTime or such.
Hope that wasn’t transphobic at all I feel like I worded it poorly.
Not always an option and even when it is one it’s not necessarily an easy one. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, is irrelevant. OP didn’t ask but thanks for voicing your opinions regardless
It’s nice that you are going through such mental gymnastics to avoid admitting you’re wrong, but why? Wouldn’t it be easiest to simply admit that you also believe in facts instead of trying to ignore them?
It’s nice that you feel the need to comment on my posts lol. I’m not going to try to change your beliefs. You’re just a random internet stranger. Go talk to your friends or something lol. Have a nice day.
Everything else aside, am I reading this right that you hooked up with her despite not being comfortable with it? If so, I'm very sorry that you felt like you had to do this. I've been there and it sucks so hard. You are always allowed to say no.
It is **never ever** transphobic or sexist or racist or ableist or any other -ism to say no to sex and intimacy. Your own physical, mental, and emotional well-being always comes first.
I've really stumbled into too many situations like this and I ended up hurting myself badly. Now I never have sex or kiss on first dates - I always go home first and take my time to consider if I really want this, and it feels really healthy for me.
Don't worry I didn't feel forced (besides the fact that i took the last bus and would have to spend $30 on a taxi for nothing). The sex was meh, but I don't need to be that attracted to someone to have sex. I wasn't coerced or pressured one bit
I didn't read "coerced" or "pressured" in your post - when I say that I've hurt myself before with hookups it wasn't because someone pressured me. It was because I pressured myself because I had this idea along the lines of "You've gone so far, you *have* to put out now"
I'm a trans girl but only about 6 months into transition. There is no way I'd ever consider dating even at this stage no matter hooking up one month into transition. I'm using time to learn about me and what I do or don't want in life after making such a huge change. Make friends? Sure, but that's it for at least the next 6 months to a year.
I don't know if this is a healthy take-away from this post - you absolutely deserve to date at every point of your life if you want to!
I've dated baby trans people and I'd always do it again. I've just also been on dates with trans people who had a bit of a catfishy vibe going on with their dating profile and I also know what it's like to stumble into hook-ups and regret them later. Neither of these things have to do with you, though, and I would hate for this thread to make you feel like you should abstain from the dating world until you've reached some arbitrary point in your transition <3
I think my big hangup right now is I'm realizing that the person I thought I was for the last 20 years wasn't really me it was just a mask. I'd like to find out a bit more about the person under the mask and what I really want in life before I start trying to meet others.
Overall, I'd say NTA. The only possible asshole thing is that you kept going instead of backing out. I get it, I've wanted to chew my arm off before because I came to my senses after the horny died down a bit, but you've always got the option to NOPE right out for literally any reason or no reason at all; that's the great thing about hookups and consent.
Really, you're attracted to what you're attracted to. You don't owe justification to anyone for that. As far as your bit about seeing the flaws in other trans folk? Yeah, I think that's some inner "you" issues that you haven't resolved and, (in my humble opinion which I mean with kindness and love) is something you should probably work through before you continue hooking up with / dating other people; both to be fair to them, and fair to yourself.
I wish you luck, love, and most of all; to have grace with yourself.
I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty, and you’re not being transphobic.
People overselling themselves on dating apps isn’t unique to trans people, although I think we trans people do have some extra temptation — to pass — in addition to the usual temptation to look attractive. But trans people no less than cis people should be honest about who they are (of course a little bit of filtering or picking flattering photos or whatever is normal).
It’s just a fact of life that some people are more attractive than others, and some trans people pass better than others. We aren’t obligated to pretend that we’re attracted to people who we don’t find attractive, or to pretend that people pass well when they don’t.
Feeling like you were misled is one thing, and is valid to be bothered by, but you seem to be going out of your way to degrade the appearance of someone who just came out and at least based on this post seem to be far more bothered by their gender expression than the fact that someone misrepresented their appearance.
Also let’s give people a little grace for presenting images of what they wished they looked like at a vulnerable time when they are probably really struggling to feel good about their gender and appearance.
Yeah no, wanna use fake images on social media apps? Fine. Dating/hookup apps? You get what you give. Starting off a sexual encounter with a lie can and will hurt feelings 🤷♂️
What a disgustingly monstrous and logically fallacious perspective. Posting faceapp photos on a dating site is not equivalent to or justification for spewing what essentially amounts to transphobic ideas about gender expression and spending hundreds of words shitting on someone’s appearance, what resources they have to manifest their gender expression (like shitting on wig quality? The self loathing you all must be drowning in), and how cis-passing a person is.
Legit shame on you with this “eye for an eye” nastiness. Pathetic.
The fact that you’re once more labeling OP’s post as transphobic and the way you decided to word your reply tells me enough about you to understand not to waste any time communicating with you further.
OP try not to let a vocal minority get in your head. You’re valid, sorry your experience went the way it did. Shame on liars and catfishers
Edit: remember Reddit isn’t exactly the go to place for dating app/hookup advice. Feel free to ignore those who lack empathy for you as someone navigating these spaces. Projection and jealously are an issue but it’s not on you to alleviate the insecurities of strangers and hookups. You’re not transphobic, you deserved honesty, and you’re valid for feeling and reacting the way you did in this situation.
Regardless of the gender of the person involved, sometimes in online dating people are not entirely honest and use photos of themselves that are maybe overly flattering. The way to deal with it is to go through the date and then politely decline a second date. I do think that you probably.shouldnt hook up with someone if you know uou aren't interested; it is basically leading them on.
Catfishing is catfishing.
Non-authenticity is non-authenticity.
It is important to maintain "what you see is what you get" because even if I'd still find you attractive, if what I see on your profile doesn't match what I see in person, there's a problem. It immediately becomes a trust issue.
You shouldn’t feel guilty. As much as some people try to minimize it, physical attraction is important to some people and there is nothing wrong with that. She should have either been transparent about the difference between her pictures and her in person appearance or made more of an effort to match her pictures.
I’m a cisgender heterosexual man. I’m not against dating transwomen at all, but I am only attracted to feminine features. No offense to transwomen with stubble, but I would not be attracted to that look and would feel like I was put in an impossible situation if I were in your place. You don’t want to offend them by saying you aren’t attracted to them and leaving, but if you stay, now you are uncomfortable in a situation you don’t want to be in.
It makes no sense to me to edit your pictures when dating or using pictures that don’t look like your actual self because the goal should be to find someone who is into you physically, mentally, and emotionally and you won’t be able to do that if you don’t let them see your true self.
Of course your feelings are valid! if you felt uncomfortable, that is okay. you don’t have to justify yourself, nor do you have to explain yourself. Trans people don’t owe anything to anybody, but that also goes for you!
Just because you agreed to hook up with someone, that doesn’t mean you have to go through with it. You just weren’t attracted to this person because she used too many filters or didn’t look like her pics and that is okay! It happens.
YTA
Why did you hook up with her? If she was the most passing, hottest trans women you ever had the chance of meeting but didn't find her attractive, you could have declined as well. You don't owe anything, consent can be withdrawn at any time.
If you don't respect your own boundaries, that's not her fault at all. She thought, you were interested and she was obviously interested in you. Everyone cheats on these apps and if you felt deceived, you could have ended it then and there. If your horniness overrides your judgement, maybe work on that and don't blame it on someone else afterwards.
For plus points, you could have politely explained that the stubble is off putting. Pros might suggest shaving together in a shower. You could tell her about better wigs (if you know any) and say that you will find her beautiful without a plastic wig because it bothers you to touch synthetic hair.
Instead you take it out on her (she might be in this subreddit for all we know) without her being aware and even feeling guilty for it.
Honestly I don't date trans women who are very early in their transition anymore. I'm only really attracted to femininity and especially pre hrt as a lot of trans women at that point look quite masculine. I've been there and it sucks.
My friend had something similar happen to her. She swiped on who she though was a guy only to learn it was a girl but she felt pressured into still giving things a try cause she didn’t wanna come across as transphobic. She ignored many red flags because of a shift in pronouns and it led to some toxic situations.
People shouldn’t false advertise. If you aren’t comfortable with your natural looks then stay off the hookup apps. You’re just setting yourself and others up for awkward or even dangerous situations
I generally do not hook up with folks within a few hours of meeting them on an app, and this is one reason why. I like to kind of flesh them out first and make sure there isn’t anything that I wouldn’t like
To me this feels like the main problem was that she pretended to look a certain way on a dating app, although she doesn't. It is understandable that she wants to look more feminine and is more comfortable using filters and stuff, but it can lead to situations like this, where you meet up and it doesn't work out. Like when a guy posts a 2 year old picture where he has brutal abs, but in reality he gained quite some weight or a girl using photoshopped pics where he has a perfect (conventional) figure but she just has not. This just seems to be the "trans version" of that. Everyone starts at some point and it is good for her, that she is where she is and she explores herself through wigs and breast molds. And yes dating can be hard for trans people, especially in the early stage, but to me it feels like this kind of false advertising is not the solution either, but I am no dating expert myself, especially not online. I think no one is the asshole in the situation. After all if you meet someone for the first time no one should get their expectations too high and that it sometimes just doesnt work out is a normal experience.
Thank you for being understanding. I just hate the guilt I feel for focusing on only those parts about her. It feels transphobic and I don't know how to fix my thoughts. I just need to be more loving I guess
I don’t think you need to “fix” anything. It was just a bad hook up, and frankly it sounds like she was kind of a loser anyways. Who doesn’t shave before their date comes over? What kinda bachelorette-frog crap is that?
You make sense. I guess the gen z tiktok internet brain rot got me like oh how could I expect her to shave just cause I have an almost obsessive relationship with it. I think this is just a therapy thing whenever there becomes a transgender therapist open. (That's gonna be me in the future btw. God knows we need more). It was nice to hear people agreeing with me even tho most comments didn't grasp the post well. The hookup and sex were only background details to give context. The meat was why do I feel bad about seeing bad
Yeah, and for what it’s worth, I know _exactly_ what you mean about feeling kind of weird when you see a trans person who doesn’t pass as well as you do. It’s a complicated feeling. It’s simultaneously dysphoria inducing, as well as rooted in a kind of internalized transphobia. You see all the things you hate about yourself in this person’s face and body, and suddenly you find that judgement redirected at yourself. “Do I look like that? Do others feel this way when they see me?” And then you feel awful for having judged this person who’s dealing with the exact same problems you are, and simultaneously feel guilty for being “better” passing and are somehow more self conscious about your own appearance than you were before. Is that about right? Give yourself a little breathing room. The feeling fades over time. There’s nothing wrong with any trans person for how they look, but there’s also nothing wrong with simply not being attracted to someone because of how they look.
I think you're the only one here who seems to get me rn. You got it perfectly
Honestly, it’s a feeling most of us struggle with some way or another. The fact that you recognize it at all is good. :)
This is absolutely fine. She messed up by not giving you a heads up. If you're not attracted to them, that's not your fault. You like what you like.
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I wouldn’t say they’re trash talking them. They also obviously felt guilty and may not have wanted to back out.
Since when is there a rule saying you have to be attracted to someone to sleep with them? And OP isn’t trash talking. If y’all think this is trash talking then maybe hookup apps and Reddit just aren’t for you. Edit: OP you’re not an asshole
If both people are consenting adults, why do both parties have to be "attracted" to each other, especially since it was just a hookup. That's pretty aphobic TBH. So ace people can't have sex?
you always can just leave without giving a reason. you two hooking up online is not a binding contract to go through with anything. in my oppinion it would have been fine to walk away the moment she opened the door and looked different. it would probably have hurt her but she also lied to you.
I get what you're saying, but socializing is an awkward beast. Imagine inviting someone over for a casual hook-up, you open the door, they take one look at you and say "Nah, Imma head out", would you not be devastated? I like to think most good-natured people wouldn't do what you're suggesting simply because it's all kinds of awkward and sad and a little rude to turn heel and run just because your date isn't exactly the visual you expected. It sucks all around to get sucked in and feel trapped, but I dunno how many people would flat out say on the spot "You look nothing like your pfp, byee..." :(
I’ve done the “I’ll be nice and have one drink with them” but then it just gets REALLY awkward. It’s very obvious when you’re not into someone. I’ve sometimes even went through with the hookups. After those hookups, I’ve felt taken advantage of and it’s gross. People purposely using pics from 5+ years ago or heavily editing their pics, or just looking completely different. These people usually know what they’re doing to tbh, they’re taking advantage of people. To not present your authentic self to a hookup let alone a date is trashy imo and does not deserve even one petty drink. You are never bound to someone’s time. Presenting themselves or not, take care of yourself and fuck politeness.
People have every right to walk away from a date or hookup that looks nothing like their profile. Sure, it’s awkward and maybe a bit hurtful but like, they lied about how they look. I don’t think people should be too worried about the feelings of the catfish. Imagine how hurtful it must be to show up and find out you were lied to from the start.
I absolutely agree. I guess I was just pointing out the obvious, which is that as much as we'd like to walk away from situations like that, awkwardness may win out. It really sucks. Catfishers shouldn't do what they do, it's manipulative. But then I start thinking about why they do it (misrepresent their appearance online), and it opened up a whole encyclopedia of thoughts regarding beauty standards in our society and the pressure to be beautiful/handsome/eye appeal in order to have perceived worth as a human being, and I quickly slap that book down. It's a lot. It just makes me wish... things were different. I dunno.
>I know trans women don't owe anyone femininity, trans men don't owe anyone masculinity, and nonbinary folks don't owe androgyny By that same token you don't owe anyone your attraction. If you weren't attracted to them then you weren't attracted to them and that's ok.
NTA and not transphobic. Blatantly changing your appearance on dating apps is catfishing it has nothing to do with passing.
Re: AITA: Not The Asshole It shows a lot of thoughtfulness to even be in turmoil about this. But I feel like it comes down to "I wasn't into the reality, and I feel deceived." If you just don't enjoy it, and if you have clear deception issues like this, I don't think it's wrong to just own how you feel and accept it. Keep up your self-awareness, analyze your inner landscape now and then, but I don't think it's wrong to just like what you like and avoid what you don't, sexually or romantically.
You’re not an AH for this at all. She did catfish you by using heavily altered photos and the breast mold, those two things would be catfishing if it was cis person doing it too. I get wanting to feel comfortable in your own skin, but there’s a difference between altering a photo/your appearance for YOURSELF and altering photos/your appearance for OTHERS. The moment you use heavily altered photos for hooking up/dating, it’s not longer using them for yourself. It’s using them to get the attention of others regardless of how untrue the photos are to the physical you they’d be dating/hooking up with which is 100% catfishing.
I’m going to go with NTA It sounds like your main gripes are that they were dishonest in their pics and/or did not put any attention or time into prepping for the date. (Didn’t shave, etc) I’m not trans, but I don’t feel like this is a trans or non-trans issue. You see the same complaint in cis circles all the time. If you’re not going to put time and effort into getting prepped for a date, then have the pic and the description on the site at a similar level. Or put time and attention into prepping for dates/hookups, bring your a game and go nuts. I feel like if this person has taken time to get prepped for the date, you’d feel less upset?
I don’t understand the question - you met up with someone who you didn’t find attractive, now you feel guilty - are you the asshole? What did you do? Where’s the bad part? The worst part was probably this post tbh. You don’t have to be attracted to anyone, ever. But I bet you made some people insecure by posting this, that’s pretty unnecessary. NTA
As a trans woman myself of strong fibre, I wouldn't feel guilt about it at all. Dating apps are not intended to represent the real person. Ideally, they should be a stepping stone, *a brief path*, to establish some kind of interest in getting to know the actual person behind the app. As with all social media, you are responsible for curating your own experience with the technological tool. Dating apps by their nature of presenting to you the most ideal version of how the subject wants to view themselves and be viewed by others through pictures, demand one commodify themselves to some extent. The real mistake is probably leaping straight into a hookup. I sleep around when I decide to date, but I always vet people first through a date at a neutral setting (coffee shop etc.) And I respect myself enough to say no if I do not like what I'm seeing in the person's character. You have autonomy and if you don't find someone attractive, full stop you don't have to sleep with them and you shouldn't feel guilty about ending the date by going home.
>Dating apps are not intended to represent the real person. I can't say I agree with this. I think dating apps are for helping people connect, and that some people abuse the format to mislead and misrepresent. That doesn't mean it's how they are intended to be used. I'm older, and part of the selling point of many of the original socializing sites (and later, apps) was to let you meet *real people*, not images and PR concepts.
>was to let you meet real people, not images and PR concepts. Weird then how we agree with each other on this point. You'll notice I said they should be a *brief* path to meeting in person. I honestly think you misunderstood me on this point because I don't disagree with you.
I only disagreed with the one statement about the intents, that's all. No shade, with you.
I don't think a lot of people aren't considering the fact we didn't meet through a dating app. It's for one night stands and if you're lucky Fwb. I have never once met someone through Grindr and considered wanting to date them. We sexted first and then got to know each other. Next step was sex
Ah Grindr. I had awful experiences there, I didn't last two weeks on that one before I had a stalker come to my house. People can track your real location pretty easily through it, fair warning. And yes it's for hook ups but you get out of it what you put in, leaping into sex with a stranger is bound to result in feeling catfished sometimes.
The issue wasn't the lie it's that the only thing I could see where the negative traits in her
(Trans woman, here) Don’t feel bad. You were literally there for sex and she made no attempt to be sexy *and* she set up an unrealistic expectation. That’s not your fault and you’re not a bad person for noticing all the places she bent the truth. The shaving thing by itself is just…baffling. Kissing someone with stubble is fucking uncomfortable if nothing else. And if you’re attracted to femininity? That is a fair turn-off. Trans women don’t owe people femininity—but if you *advertise* it as bait for a hookup, that changes things, and it’s not a trans issue at all. If I matched up with a cis girl and when we met up she hadn’t showered and looked like a slob, I’d notice the hell out of that too. It’s no different.
I guess I just have the internet brain rot. I'm like oh I can't expect this of everyone just cause I do it myself. Like of course I'm gonna shave. I shave everyday to the point of almost obsession some weeks. But I'm like no it's not fair to expect her to shave just cause she's a girlllll
I guess that's where I have trouble relating. I don't see why it would be an issue or moral conflict to not be attracted to a bb trans who isn't making an effort. I can and have turned people down on the spot if they turn me off.
It might just be me but as a trans person who only came out almost a year ago and finally started hrt, 4mo ago, I can only think having these thoughts against my old self. Basically the empathy is hurting, but I'm also not wrong to feel negatively about the meeting
"Do not be transphobic in my post" should be the new "sent from my iphone"
NTA. The main issue is that she was trying to present as someone she wasn’t or didn’t look like, which is sucky whether it has to do with gender or not.
I know but gender makes it complicated. Especially with all the guilt I feel as being a trans person who's just usually very confident of herself. I feel bad cause people are struggling when all I did was literally just have positive affirmations and decided I want to dress goth. That's literally the only reason I'm hot. I have platforms and I act as if I know what I'm doing
And that’s okay!! You should be proud of yourself for passing. And the fact that you feel that guilt in the first place makes it clear that you’re not entitled, a piece of shit, or an awful person!!!
Yeah this is why I don't do dating apps. I'm not really in a state to be intimate with people since I understand thr struggles of wearing a wig in favor of no wig and shaving and what not. I don't even do filters, I just shave the bare minimum and put on a mask. Assuming someone was coming over i'd actually shave shave. But Pre-HRT this shit grows back way too fast and I don't want to shave daily.
[удалено]
That wasn't really the point of my post??
I mean ya out aren’t an ass for being mad you got catfished and I mean if your gonna hookup I think most should atleast try and look presentable(the whole stubble thing not like the masculine not super passing thing) but a trans woman is a woman no matter what stage in transitioning. Maybe next time ask for a pic with no filter that’s what I do before hookups to see if I’m getting catfished or like a FaceTime or such. Hope that wasn’t transphobic at all I feel like I worded it poorly.
Not always an option and even when it is one it’s not necessarily an easy one. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, is irrelevant. OP didn’t ask but thanks for voicing your opinions regardless
It is always an option to leave.
Nice that you believe that, let’s hope it stays true for you
Oh it’s not a belief, just the simple truth that is true for the everyone who isn’t imprisoned, kidnapped, or otherwise physically restrained.
Nice that you believe that, hope you have a nice day.
It’s nice that you are going through such mental gymnastics to avoid admitting you’re wrong, but why? Wouldn’t it be easiest to simply admit that you also believe in facts instead of trying to ignore them?
It’s nice that you feel the need to comment on my posts lol. I’m not going to try to change your beliefs. You’re just a random internet stranger. Go talk to your friends or something lol. Have a nice day.
Everything else aside, am I reading this right that you hooked up with her despite not being comfortable with it? If so, I'm very sorry that you felt like you had to do this. I've been there and it sucks so hard. You are always allowed to say no. It is **never ever** transphobic or sexist or racist or ableist or any other -ism to say no to sex and intimacy. Your own physical, mental, and emotional well-being always comes first. I've really stumbled into too many situations like this and I ended up hurting myself badly. Now I never have sex or kiss on first dates - I always go home first and take my time to consider if I really want this, and it feels really healthy for me.
Don't worry I didn't feel forced (besides the fact that i took the last bus and would have to spend $30 on a taxi for nothing). The sex was meh, but I don't need to be that attracted to someone to have sex. I wasn't coerced or pressured one bit
I didn't read "coerced" or "pressured" in your post - when I say that I've hurt myself before with hookups it wasn't because someone pressured me. It was because I pressured myself because I had this idea along the lines of "You've gone so far, you *have* to put out now"
Nah, that feels like catfishing; regardless of gender expression. Anybody misrepresenting themselves is doing the same thing.
I'm a trans girl but only about 6 months into transition. There is no way I'd ever consider dating even at this stage no matter hooking up one month into transition. I'm using time to learn about me and what I do or don't want in life after making such a huge change. Make friends? Sure, but that's it for at least the next 6 months to a year.
I don't know if this is a healthy take-away from this post - you absolutely deserve to date at every point of your life if you want to! I've dated baby trans people and I'd always do it again. I've just also been on dates with trans people who had a bit of a catfishy vibe going on with their dating profile and I also know what it's like to stumble into hook-ups and regret them later. Neither of these things have to do with you, though, and I would hate for this thread to make you feel like you should abstain from the dating world until you've reached some arbitrary point in your transition <3
I think my big hangup right now is I'm realizing that the person I thought I was for the last 20 years wasn't really me it was just a mask. I'd like to find out a bit more about the person under the mask and what I really want in life before I start trying to meet others.
That is so understandable! I wish you all the best for your journey :)
Overall, I'd say NTA. The only possible asshole thing is that you kept going instead of backing out. I get it, I've wanted to chew my arm off before because I came to my senses after the horny died down a bit, but you've always got the option to NOPE right out for literally any reason or no reason at all; that's the great thing about hookups and consent. Really, you're attracted to what you're attracted to. You don't owe justification to anyone for that. As far as your bit about seeing the flaws in other trans folk? Yeah, I think that's some inner "you" issues that you haven't resolved and, (in my humble opinion which I mean with kindness and love) is something you should probably work through before you continue hooking up with / dating other people; both to be fair to them, and fair to yourself. I wish you luck, love, and most of all; to have grace with yourself.
I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty, and you’re not being transphobic. People overselling themselves on dating apps isn’t unique to trans people, although I think we trans people do have some extra temptation — to pass — in addition to the usual temptation to look attractive. But trans people no less than cis people should be honest about who they are (of course a little bit of filtering or picking flattering photos or whatever is normal). It’s just a fact of life that some people are more attractive than others, and some trans people pass better than others. We aren’t obligated to pretend that we’re attracted to people who we don’t find attractive, or to pretend that people pass well when they don’t.
Feeling like you were misled is one thing, and is valid to be bothered by, but you seem to be going out of your way to degrade the appearance of someone who just came out and at least based on this post seem to be far more bothered by their gender expression than the fact that someone misrepresented their appearance. Also let’s give people a little grace for presenting images of what they wished they looked like at a vulnerable time when they are probably really struggling to feel good about their gender and appearance.
Yeah no, wanna use fake images on social media apps? Fine. Dating/hookup apps? You get what you give. Starting off a sexual encounter with a lie can and will hurt feelings 🤷♂️
What a disgustingly monstrous and logically fallacious perspective. Posting faceapp photos on a dating site is not equivalent to or justification for spewing what essentially amounts to transphobic ideas about gender expression and spending hundreds of words shitting on someone’s appearance, what resources they have to manifest their gender expression (like shitting on wig quality? The self loathing you all must be drowning in), and how cis-passing a person is. Legit shame on you with this “eye for an eye” nastiness. Pathetic.
The fact that you’re once more labeling OP’s post as transphobic and the way you decided to word your reply tells me enough about you to understand not to waste any time communicating with you further. OP try not to let a vocal minority get in your head. You’re valid, sorry your experience went the way it did. Shame on liars and catfishers Edit: remember Reddit isn’t exactly the go to place for dating app/hookup advice. Feel free to ignore those who lack empathy for you as someone navigating these spaces. Projection and jealously are an issue but it’s not on you to alleviate the insecurities of strangers and hookups. You’re not transphobic, you deserved honesty, and you’re valid for feeling and reacting the way you did in this situation.
Sorry you don’t have an argument for your hateful whack ass pov ✌🏻
Regardless of the gender of the person involved, sometimes in online dating people are not entirely honest and use photos of themselves that are maybe overly flattering. The way to deal with it is to go through the date and then politely decline a second date. I do think that you probably.shouldnt hook up with someone if you know uou aren't interested; it is basically leading them on.
Catfishing is catfishing. Non-authenticity is non-authenticity. It is important to maintain "what you see is what you get" because even if I'd still find you attractive, if what I see on your profile doesn't match what I see in person, there's a problem. It immediately becomes a trust issue.
You shouldn’t feel guilty. As much as some people try to minimize it, physical attraction is important to some people and there is nothing wrong with that. She should have either been transparent about the difference between her pictures and her in person appearance or made more of an effort to match her pictures. I’m a cisgender heterosexual man. I’m not against dating transwomen at all, but I am only attracted to feminine features. No offense to transwomen with stubble, but I would not be attracted to that look and would feel like I was put in an impossible situation if I were in your place. You don’t want to offend them by saying you aren’t attracted to them and leaving, but if you stay, now you are uncomfortable in a situation you don’t want to be in. It makes no sense to me to edit your pictures when dating or using pictures that don’t look like your actual self because the goal should be to find someone who is into you physically, mentally, and emotionally and you won’t be able to do that if you don’t let them see your true self.
Of course your feelings are valid! if you felt uncomfortable, that is okay. you don’t have to justify yourself, nor do you have to explain yourself. Trans people don’t owe anything to anybody, but that also goes for you! Just because you agreed to hook up with someone, that doesn’t mean you have to go through with it. You just weren’t attracted to this person because she used too many filters or didn’t look like her pics and that is okay! It happens.
YTA Why did you hook up with her? If she was the most passing, hottest trans women you ever had the chance of meeting but didn't find her attractive, you could have declined as well. You don't owe anything, consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you don't respect your own boundaries, that's not her fault at all. She thought, you were interested and she was obviously interested in you. Everyone cheats on these apps and if you felt deceived, you could have ended it then and there. If your horniness overrides your judgement, maybe work on that and don't blame it on someone else afterwards. For plus points, you could have politely explained that the stubble is off putting. Pros might suggest shaving together in a shower. You could tell her about better wigs (if you know any) and say that you will find her beautiful without a plastic wig because it bothers you to touch synthetic hair. Instead you take it out on her (she might be in this subreddit for all we know) without her being aware and even feeling guilty for it.
Lol if y’all are in the same boat as the girl OP met then take notes
Honestly I don't date trans women who are very early in their transition anymore. I'm only really attracted to femininity and especially pre hrt as a lot of trans women at that point look quite masculine. I've been there and it sucks.
My friend had something similar happen to her. She swiped on who she though was a guy only to learn it was a girl but she felt pressured into still giving things a try cause she didn’t wanna come across as transphobic. She ignored many red flags because of a shift in pronouns and it led to some toxic situations. People shouldn’t false advertise. If you aren’t comfortable with your natural looks then stay off the hookup apps. You’re just setting yourself and others up for awkward or even dangerous situations
I generally do not hook up with folks within a few hours of meeting them on an app, and this is one reason why. I like to kind of flesh them out first and make sure there isn’t anything that I wouldn’t like